Balance – Live Episode: The Live Boston Stunt Spectacular/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Hey everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your Dungeon Master, your best friend, and... a third thing that I will think of, later, at the commercial break.

Griffin: Uh, thank you all for listening to The Adventure Zone, this is gonna be a special episode because uh Travis and Teresa had a baby and we are so happy for them! Teresa and the baby are both doing very well, um, and so what you’re about to hear is one of three episodes that we have ready for our sort of... group paternal leave, because my wife Rachel and I, we’re expecting a baby also in early December.

Griffin: So we are going to put out this episode now, I’m so excited for you to hear it, it is our Boston live show, uh, that we did at the Wilbur Theater. It was a sold out crowd, and it was one of the best nights of my whole life. Everybody there was so, so so spectacular and I was really happy with how the story turned out. My hope is that the next episode you hear, which is gonna go up on November 17th, will be the second episode in The Suffering Game arc that we just started. Man, that title is so…. It’s so brutal to say. But that is my hope.

Griffin: And then, uh, once I am also a papa, we will have two more episodes ready for you that I am also so excited to get to. But this just had to be the first one that we put out for this parental leave block, because I can’t not— you can’t not have heard it anymore. It’s too important. I think you’re really gonna enjoy it and like I said,  [theme music begins to fade in] the next episode should be a regular one if things calm down a bit and we have some time to put some play time on the books. But for now, enjoy the Boston Live Stunt Spectacular.

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson rises to full volume; a cheering crowd can be heard and overtakes the music almost entirely.]

Griffin: You guys know we’re just gonna play Dungeons & Dragons, right?

[The boys laugh and the crowd laughs/screams.]

Clint: Alright. You’ve heard the show, right?

Griffin: You guys, um,

Justin: That was the loudest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. [crosstalk, the crowd laughs]

Griffin: Uh, these costumes are wonderful, and thank you boys for the hard work that went into them. I did— this is a fun story— just have to help Dad change into his costume backstage [the crowd laughs] which was a horrifying look into the future. [the crowd cheers and claps] There’s actually a small, a smaller person in there that’s controlling the arm for Dad, it’s like a—

Travis: Please be careful of Justin’s drink with your giant wooden hand, Dad.

Clint: Oh my god.

Justin: If it touches me I’m burning this fucker down.

Travis: Is there anyone here who has not ever listened to the show?

Justin: Son of a bitch, stop it. (probably directed at Clint)

[a few isolated cheers from the crowd in response to Travis’s question]

Travis: You’re gonna be so confused! [crowd laughter]

Justin: Okay, time out. We need to take a vote. This is gonna be untenable. [crowd laughter]

Travis: Yeah, you’re gonna need to remo— oh can you even remove it, is it strapped underneath your cloak?

Griffin: It’s strapped on underneath the clothes. [crowd laughter]

Justin: Okay, listen, while Dad deals with that—

Griffin: So, um, there are a few people here who haven’t listened, we play Dungeons & Dragons, and well they play it, I run the game, do you guys wanna talk a little bit about your characters?

[crowd cheers]

Justin: I thought that’s why we had the thing with the... [presumably this video or one like it was played at the venue.]

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a good point.

Justin: The thing— My name is Justin McElroy, I play Taako, he— [interrupted by crowd cheering enthusiastically] Thank you. Thank you. It’s a collaborative creation. And uh, he’s a wizard, and, I dunno, he’s down for whatever. [crowd laughter] Well, unless it’s dangerous, in which case ‘Taako’s good out here.’ [crowd laughter]

Clint: And my name is Clint McElroy, and [crowd cheering] Are you just gonna keep interrupting with these outbursts?? [Griffin laughs, small cheer from the crowd] ‘Cause it’s cool! [crowd cheers] Yeah, do that!

Travis: We’ve got all night.

Clint: We’ve got all night! I play, uh, Merle Highchurch [crowd cheers] who is a… Uh…

Griffin: Cleric— [crowd laughs]

Clint: An elf…

Travis: Nope!

Griffin: It’s funny, because it’s so true.

Clint: Dwarf.

Travis: Yup.

Clint: He’s a dwarf…

Travis: Don’t help him! [crowd laughs] He can— he has to do this on his own.

Clint: A pr— uh, uh, cleric— [small crowd cheers]

Travis: Yup. He does clerical work.

Clint: He likes long walks on the beach,

Griffin: Okay, Travis, what do you do?

Travis: And I am Travis McElroy, [crowd cheers] and I play Magnus Burnsides the fighter. [crowd cheer] He is—

Clint: The Hammer!

Travis: The Hammer, he is known as The Hammer in some small circles. [crowd laugh] Um, he is a human,

Griffin: Yeah, humanity! Yes, that’s us!

Travis: Anyone else here human?! [crowd cheer] Uh, he has a pet goldfish named Steven who is alive and well, [crowd cheer] uh, and he pulls robots’ arms off.

Griffin: Hey, let’s uh—

Clint: That’s a hobby.

Justin: Uh, would it be possible for us to get a little bit more monitor on the stage?

Griffin: Yeah, I’m having a bit of a hard time hearing my— my family.

Justin: They real horny for this one and uh, it’s hard— [crowd cheers]

Travis: They were way hornier than we anticipated.

Justin: So if we could hear ourselves a little bit louder that would be amazing, thank you.

Clint: And that’s Griffin McElroy!

Griffin: Hi! [crowd cheers] [in a dudebro voice] And I— I play the part of Douglas and he’s a gnome thief. Let’s get started.

Justin: Hell yeah.

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: Wait, can, Travis, can you hand me my assistant Courvoisier.

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: And, uh, ginger ale?

Griffin: Travis just brought a big box of beverages out here. [crowd cheers]

Clint: IT’S A PROP! It’s not real!

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a magic podcast potion.

Justin: That’s how the magic happens. [crowd laughs]

Clint: God.

Justin: I’m gonna keep this down here so I don’t block line of sight cause we’re gonna do— if this is an indication of the level of, this Courvoisier is any indication, we’re about to do some connection, you and I.

Griffin: So uh, this is gonna be a little—

Clint: Lord!

Justin: Oh yeah!

Griffin: Oh yeah, Travis, tell them what that is. [crowd cheering]

Clint: Isaac, your Love Boat bartender, ladies and gentlemen!

Justin: I don’t know if you can see,

Clint: Holy shit!

Griffin: Yeah, just make sure you build a wall so nobody can see you—

Justin: And Dad’s got a Diet Coke. Can you show ‘em the one bottle, that Andy made—

Travis: Oh yeah, this is uh, from Columbia Brewing,

Justin: Andy, are you here, Andy?

Travis: From Andy, this is the Burnsides Brew Smithery Magnus BurnCider. That was made for us for this show. [crowd cheering]

Clint: [laughs] Patent pending.

Griffin: It says it’s, uh, it says it’s an 18% alcohol content but really it’s just five.

[Travis laughs uproariously, along with the crowd.]

Travis: Ha ha ha ha HA! That was really good!

Clint: That was funny!

Justin: Oh yeah.

Griffin: ‘Cause you fuckin’ cheat all the time. [crowd laughs] All right. So this is gonna be a sidequest, this is not in the current arc that we are currently exploring, and uh, let’s get going.

So Merle, Magnus and Taako, you all find yourselves in the bustling metropolis of Neverwinter. It’s early spring, I think this would probably come right after Crystal Kingdom, right before The Eleventh Hour which we’re in right now, so it’s early spring and I guess that means it was just late fall? ‘Cause they just skip winter entirely? Hi, Travis. Oh, thank you for the beverage. [crowd laughs] Um, and you’ve been summoned to Neverwinter by a letter you received a couple of weeks after the whole Crystal Kingdom debacle. And the letter was sent to you by a name that you recognized, but it was one that you hadn’t heard or really thought of in months.

Clint: And it starts off, ‘Dear Casey,’...

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: Something we can— a reference we can all enjoy.

Travis: So topical!

Clint: Six or seven got it.

Justin: Where my sectagenarians at?!? [crowd cheering, laughing]

Griffin: No, the uh, the letter was actually sent to you by one Jess the Beheader.

Justin: Ohhh. [crowd cheers]

Griffin: Who you befriended on the— let’s see if Dad can even, do you remember?

Travis: Oh yeah!

Clint: Yeah, I remember him. He uh, [crowd laughs]

Griffin: No, wrong. Uh, Jess the Beheader wrote you a letter. Oh, that’s fun. And says,

Clint: Couldn’t work out better.

Griffin: Great. Oh boy, this is gonna be a long night, folks.

Travis: This is top-notch humor. You’re not gonna get this rhyming jokes anywhere else. [Clint chuckles, the crowd laughs]

Griffin: The letter reads:

Jess: Dear Magnus, Tahcko*,

Griffin: And they put the little spelling symbol, like, maybe they spelled it wrong— they did.

Clint: “SP?”

Jess: Dear Magnus, Tahcko*, and... the other one. [audience laughter] How are you? I am fine. Wow, it’s nice to catch up like this. So, I need a favor. I need a big favor. You all really kicked ass on that Rockport Limited mystery and I could use your help solving another murder and if you’re feeling generous I could use some help preventing a second murder.

Travis: Ehh..

Jess: The first murder was Brock Thickstone.

Travis: [laughs] It was on a porn set! [all laugh]

Jess: The first was Brock Thickstone, my BattleFest partner, who was killed in cold blood after our Supreme Champion qualifiers last week. The second is me. It would be very cool to not get murdered. [audience laughs] Brock was killed in cold blood in the locker room here at Chaos Stadium, which is actually a really nice stadium, despite the name, and despite the fact that somebody was recently murdered here.

[Justin and audience laugh]

Jess: His body was found holding a bouquet of flowers— he really liked flowers— that he had received just after our match the night of his death. Neverwinter’s justicars discovered the bouquet had been cursed by powerful magics, although, y’know, that stuff is kind of over my head. If you could come figure out who killed my dude, and keep me safe through the Supreme Champion finals, I’d be happy to split the big ol’ prize pool that comes along with the title. Oh, I guess I need a third favor too. I need a new partner in the ring. Magnus—

Travis: Yeaaahh!

Jess: —you ever tried your hand at prizefighting?

[the crowd cheers]

Travis: Yeaaaahhh!!!!

Jess: Best wishes, Jess.

Griffin: And then in parentheses, “the Beheader.”

Travis: I’ll text her back.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Oh, her!

Travis: U GOT IT smiley face… [crowd laughs]

Griffin: So…

Travis: Thumbs up…

Griffin: I guess you would correspond with—

Travis: Monorail. [audience laughs]

Griffin: Uh, so the three of you took the first cannonball out of the Bureau of Balance headquarters and made a beeline for the Chaos Stadium, which is nestled in the northern outskirts of Neverwinter’s—

Justin: So they’re okay with us just like using…

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: —Company resources like higgledy-piggledy? [audience laugh] Like, if we’re, like, late for a movie,

Taako: Cannonball me, baby!

Griffin: Maybe it’s like that scene in Independence Day where Will Smith steals the helicopter and the guy’s like, “You can’t take the helicopter” and he’s like, “You really wanna shoot ME?” [beat] From Independence Day, you remember that scene? [audience laugh] Uh, I should mention that you shared that cannonball with a special guest, one specifically requested in Jess's letter. “P.S.”, it reads,

Jess: If you’re still in touch with him— just a thought, but could you bring the boy detective too?

Clint: No, no!

Travis: YAAAAAAY! [audience screams and claps]

Clint: No, no, come on!

Travis: Ango!

Clint: I hate the boy detective!

Travis: No you don’t.

Clint: I hate him!

Travis: Noo you don’t.

Justin: What is, uh, how is he reacting to the cannonball? [small audience laugh]

Griffin: Uh, he—

Travis: No, do it in character.

Griffin: He was a champion.

Justin: Of course he was.

Travis: Do the voice.

Griffin: Uh, well, right, that— we’re in medias res right now, but uh—

Travis: No, I thought we were in Neverwinter.

Griffin: Hey, hey. [audience laugh/groan/clap/boo]

Clint: Vocabulary joke!

Travis: I’m drinking it in!

Griffin: Uh, but, uh, uh, you do get a hearty,

Angus: Hello, sirs!

[audience screams]

Griffin: And standing in front of you in front of Chaos Stadium is Angus McDonald, who is a bit winded. The three of you managed to shake him in the busy crowds of the Protector’s Enclave, but he is the world’s greatest detective, so he managed to find you. [audience and Justin laugh]

Angus: Sorry I lost track of you! I looked away for just a second and you were gone! [audience laugh]

Clint: If we kill anybody in this story does it hold for the rest of the—

Griffin: It would be a paradox.

Justin: We’re unkillable, though, right?

Griffin: Essentially, yeah.

Justin: Okay, awesome.

Travis: YEAH!!!

Justin: Should be good. NO REPERCUSSIONS!! [audience laugh]

Angus: I’m glad that I managed to find you, I was worried that I was not gonna be included on this adventure.

Clint: (under his breath) Oh, shit.

Justin: Despite our best fuckin’ efforts.

Travis: I wanna point out that Justin did that in Justin voice, not Taako voice, so that’s not canon.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah, you guys are being really sweet to Angus. Um.

Justin: For a change.

Griffin: I should also mention that today is Angus’s birthday. [audience cheers]

Travis: Awwww.

Griffin: Which is probably how you were convinced to bring him along in the first place. You probably, like, tore off that part of the letter and were like ‘I dunno man, [Justin and audience laugh] she didn’t mention you, I’m sorry.’

Travis: I feel like Magnus got him something. Like maybe a carved wooden duck?

Griffin: Okay. [audience laugh] So maybe that’s, like, all you can actually make?

Travis: It might just be what he’s really good at. It’s not like, limited, but he knows his strengths.

Justin: Get him a carved wooden stag. That would be—

Travis: I give him a carved wooden stag, sure.

Justin: [holding back laughter at his own goof] The little girl that got one on Game of Thrones, that worked out good for them. [Audience cries out/laughs/claps] That’s a different fantasy thing..

Griffin: Yeah… uh, so uh, the four of you are standing in front of Chaos Stadium, and the crowd is rambunctious. The, the BattleFest [some yelling from audience] Yeah, okay, a little bit of Foley work from the audience? [slightly more yelling] That was maybe the least rambunctious crowd I’ve ever heard? [audience laugh]

Travis: Yeah. Oh, we didn’t pick a, we didn’t pick a scrivener.

Griffin: Oh, that’s right. We’ll be fine.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Last time we did this, we’ve only done one live Adventure Zone by the way so there might be some rough edges—

Clint: That’ll show you how good it was.

Justin: Yeah, that was in front of 125 people who, frankly, didn’t seem to wanna be there very much. [audience laugh]

Audience member: [distant, very quiet] You always remember your first time!

Griffin: Yeah, that is true.

Travis: It’s not a back and forth kind of thing.

Justin: Yeah, it’s kind of a one— [audience cheers and claps]

Clint: It’s D&D but it’s not that interactive.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: So, uh, the, the BattleFest Supreme Champion Finals are about to take place, and the scene I’m trying to set is Wrestlemania.

Travis: Got it. [audience cheer]

Griffin: That’s the picture I want you to lock in your mind. The crowd here is rambunctious, it seems like there’s far too many people here to fit into any one building, and every single person in the crowd seems as rowdy as any ten non-BattleFest-attendees combined. Everywhere you look are cosplayers—

Audience member: [audible] Yeah!

Griffin: —dressed up in the spandex regalia of famous fighters. Some of those fighters are featured on those large banners which are draped across the walls of the building. The building looks like a very old building that has been sort of repurposed for this? Like there are these tall stone columns, it looks very ancient, for lack of a better term. Uh, yeah, and people are cosplaying, there are some signs, so many signs.

Jess’s name is all over the place, a third of the signs here say ‘Off with their heads!’ in big block letters, there’s, a few have an image of a crescent moon with the words ‘Unleash the Beast’ on them, some are for a fighter named Queen Sabine, and a few, mostly in the hands of some smaller kids, who are wearing angel wings, are championing a fighter named Jeff Angel [audience and Clint laugh], and then there are signs for like the die-hard BattleFest fans who you’ve probably never heard of before. Although I should ask you— the BattleFest franchise, which is the WWE, essentially, has been around in this world for about a decade or so.

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin: Do you guys think your characters have any— are you guys weirdly secret, like, die-hard wrestling fans?

Travis: I think Magnus probably is aware of it, maybe not die-hard, but definitely, like, knows of it.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That’s the least committal answer ever.

Griffin: Yeah, Jesus.

Travis: Yeah, ‘I am aware.’

Clint: Merle knows all the wrestlers from thirty years ago.

Griffin: Okay. [audience laughter]

Travis: Before they went pro.

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: It was still back-alley wrestling.

Clint: Like Dusty Rhodes, the American… well, it wouldn’t be— Rusty Dodes, the American Dream. [audience laugh]

Justin: Which is a shame, because Dusty Rhodes is a much better fantasy wrestler name.

Clint: It is, true, yeah.

Griffin: What about Taako?

Justin: Taako is only familiar with the television show, because ‘Sizzle it Up with Taako,’ his cooking show, was on up against them on basic cable. Basic fantasy, fantasy cable,

Griffin: Which literally means that these two live events were taking place at the same time in different places in the world.

Justin: Right.

Griffin: Wonderful. [small audience laugh]

Justin: ‘Cause television does not exist, you’ve made very clear to me.

Griffin: But you make your way through the crowd and into this, this uh, ancient-looking building, you’re whisked inside the stage door by a producer who finds your name on a guest list, and inside you see a familiar face, you see Jess the Beheader.

Magnus: Jess!!
Merle: The Beheader!

[Griffin and audience laugh]

Clint: Middle and last names.

Griffin: She says,

Jess: Ey, long time no see! What, whaddya guys been up to since all the train murder stuff?
Magnus: More murder! [he and audience laugh]
Merle: Yeah, death, destruction, the usual.

Travis: Character voices.

Justin: Character fuckin’ VOICES! [audience laugh]

Merle: [in his character voice] Death and destruction, the usual!

[audience laugh, cheer]

Griffin: You—

Clint: That’s the one I picked.

Jess: You sounded more Scottish last time I saw you. [audience laugh]
Merle: [bad Scottish accent] Death an’ destrrrruction, the usual!

Travis: He’s a different actor this time.

Jess: You sounded less Scottish. [audience laugh]

Griffin: Uh, Jess is accompanied by a human man, uh, named Derek Humanman [Clint laughs] No, uh, she is accompanied by a human man who doesn’t really have the build of a professional fighter. He is wearing a button-up shirt tucked into some nerdy slacks. He’s got a big pair of round glasses on, he’s got a big bushy beard, and an almost perfectly round belly, and I’m reading that now and I realize that made it sound like he’s Santa Claus, but he’s not. [audience laugh]

Clint: Does it shake when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly?

Griffin: [laughs] Uh, no, it doesn’t.

Justin: [laughing] Well, that’s how you tell them apart! [audience and boys laugh]

Travis: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Justin: You ever see ‘em fighting and you need to tranq one, [laughter] have ‘em laugh!

Travis: ‘Now YOU laugh.’

Justin: ‘Now you laugh! Okay, now you!’ [laughter] ‘He’s the clone!’ [laughter]

Travis: ‘No, watch! It jiggles! Aaaah!’

Justin: ‘No, watch it jiggle!’ s’DOOF [tranquilizer dart sound effect] [all laugh] I’m sorry, first row! [laugh] You will get wet— you may get drenched. Sorry.

Audience member: [audible among laughter] Woo!

Griffin: Uh, so while you all are catching up with Jess, this guy kinda [throat-clearing noise]

Travis: What was his name? You didn’t say his name.

Justin: Just wait, just to be clear, Je— the person accompanying Jess is named Jeff?

Griffin: No.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: It’s cool.

Justin: Derek.

Griffin: You haven’t asked his name yet, which is sort of a fun running theme.

Justin: Yeah, lemme try. [audience laugh]

Griffin: He clears his throat to kinda like make his presence known and, looks at his watch.

Justin: Oh.

Taako: Hey, what’s your handle, kemosabe?

[audience laugh]

Nervous-sounding Man: Uhh, oh, hey there, sorry, I’m— I’m Merrick, uh, I’m the CEO here, I uh, Jess told me that you guys were coming, and uh, it’s really nice to meet you, but uh, um, I need you to sign this before you go backstage.

Griffin: And he hands all three of you clipboards with some stuff on it.

Taako: Sure, sure. Uh, how have the ratings been this year?
Merrick: Oh, real good, we’ve got some really um uh really savage events, it’s been really cool—
Taako: Better recently, probably?
Merrick: Yeah, uh, I would say.
Merle: You got rid of that damn cooking show for competition.
Taako: Yeah, less competition.
Merrick: Yeah, about five years ago we had a, a big upswing and it’s been a nice—
Taako: Yeahh, you’re welcome for that.
Merrick: Yeah, sign this for me? [audience laugh] Your standard talent release, NDA, merchandising, licensing deal, [unintelligible]
Magnus: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t comfortably give up merchandising.

Travis: [beat] That’s a weird thing that you’ll all learn about Magnus in the NEXT story arc.

Justin: By the way, after the show there’ll be posters out in the lobby. Make sure you...

Clint: Posters.

Griffin: No that’s true though, there are wonderful, wonderful posters made by Carey Pietsch.

Justin: Wonderful posters.

Travis: There will be posters, the best.

Justin: Carey, are you here? [cheering from audience]

Travis: Carey’s here! [cheering]

Justin: Where are you, Carey?

Clint: You’re not gonna see her no matter where she’s sitting!

Griffin: Yeah, you can’t see anybody past the first two rows. Uh, he looks at you, waiting for you to sign the...

Travis: Oh, yeah, uh, I sign it.

Merrick: Okay, thank you.

Griffin: [beat] 15 years in the future, he opens up a Magnus Park.

Travis: Damn it! [Clint laughs]

Griffin: He makes 60 million gold pieces.

Travis: My IP!!!

Griffin: He takes it back,

Merrick: Thank you, thank you. Hey, uh, you, little boy. Little boy. Are you a Jeff Angel fan??

Griffin: And he fishes out a little, uh,

Magnus: Please don’t talk to our little boy.
Merle: He’s OUR little boy.
Taako: Bought him fair and square.

Griffin: He fishes out a little angel wing button from his nerdy khakis and he hands it out to Angus, and Angus says,

Angus: Oh, heck no, sir! I’m no chump mark!

[audience laughter]

Griffin: And he takes it back.

Travis: And I high-five Angus.

Griffin: He says,

Merrick: Oh, sorry, sorry kiddo. Welp, [beat] off to business! Business, business time for me!

And he turns and leaves. And Jess says,

Jess: Okay, here are the rules. BattleFest Supreme Champion Title—
Magnus: How many holds are barred?
Jess: None of the bars.
Magnus: WHOOOOA.
Jess: And none of the holds. None of the bars. [beat] Uh, you got one challenger, or two partners— me and you, Magnus— we’re gonna take on four other fighters which were chosen by a fan vote. If the challengers— me and you— get knocked out or submit during the fight, we lose. If we can knock out or force all four of our opponents to submit, we get to be Supreme Champion. You got it?
Magnus: Yes.
Jess: Uhh,
Magnus: Where do I need to like, sign up for my wrestling name?
Jess: We’ll figure that out backstage—
Magnus: I’ve already got it.
Jess: Okay. [audience laugh] Sit on that plot point for a—
Magnus: THEY CALL ME… i'Morko!
Jess: ...What is that?
Magnus: It’s Elvish for ‘The Bear’. And I pull out my bear mask from the, uh, the Petals to the Metal—

Griffin: Oh yeah. [audience cheer]

Magnus: And I put it back on.

Griffin: I like that. [audience claps]

Clint: And he pulls out his dork mask and puts it on over the bear mask.

Griffin: [laughs] Fucking—

Travis: Listen, ELVISH IS NOT DORKY, DAD! [Clint laughs]

Griffin: That was totally, that had to be in-fiction you saying ‘Elvish is not dorky, Dad’ to Merle. [Justin giggling, audience cheers]

Clint: [doing a voice] ‘And get out of my room!’

Travis: [doing a voice] ‘Leave me alone, DAD! I’m practicing my Elvish!’ [laughter]

Griffin: Jess says, uh,

Jess: Magnus, I picked you ‘cause I liked your moves on the Rockport Limited. [boys laugh] And your body type is pretty similar to my last partner, whose name was Brock Thickstone.
Magnus: No, yeah. I remember.
Jess: But Merle and Taako, I have jobs for you too. Merle, if you’re willing, we could use a manager in our corner.
Merle: [not in chara voice] Oh! Yeah.
Jess: We could use, you know, a hype man, somebody there to work the crowd, get ‘em on our side, but you could also support us from outside the ring if you’re able. Taako—

Clint: I have experience. I was in the JCs.

Justin: Uh, she didn’t hear any of that because you didn’t say it in a character voice. [audience laughter] [raises voice] These people paid MONEY to watch us sit here and play D&D, the least we could fuckin’ do is some CHARACTER VOICES!

Clint: [yells] FINE!!! [crowd cheers]

Justin: I’m sorry. By the way.

Clint: It’s all right.

Audience member: We still love you, Merle!

Clint: Aw, no.

Justin: Again, kind of a one-way… just… [audience laugh]

Clint: It’s, yeah.

Justin: Unidirectional…

Clint: Maybe just a physical thing…

Justin: Especially if you’re encouraging my DAD, I’m gonna need you to sit on it. Okay? Thank you. [audience laugh]

Griffin: She says,

Jess: Taako, your job is the most important job of all.
Taako: Go on.
Magnus: You need to make sure no one sits in this chair…

Clint: Was that a— that was a character voice?

Justin: Two words, that’s how we do. Go ahead.

Taako: Go on.
Jess: I need you on the catwalks up above keeping an eye on the fight, keeping an eye out for suspicious individuals.
Taako: On the catwalk?
Jess: Yeah.
Taako: Yeah, on the catwalk? Okay.
Jess: Uh,
Taako: Should I… [audience and boys laugh, Justin snickers] Should I shake my little tush ON the catwalk? [audience cheers] You know what, I know we’re having fun here, Right Said Fred did have some other really good singles you should look into. If you have a few minutes later, I’ll hook you up, I’ve got some tapes.
Jess: [beat] I am regretting how I have assigned the most important job. [all laugh]
Taako: Naw, I’m ready.
Jess: There is no doubt in my mind that Brock’s death was the result of foul play. I don’t know who’s responsible but I figure whoever they are probably wants me dead too. I need you up there watching my back.
Taako: Sure, yeah, okay. No problem.
Jess: Cool. Let’s get you all backstage.

Griffin: Um, and you’re backstage.

Travis: [woo-woo-woo noises]

Clint: The magic of podcasting.

Griffin: Um, and it’s really quiet backstage. There are four private dressing rooms that are all shut and there are security personnel in front of all of them, keeping them secret from you.

Travis: Do the security personnel look trustworthy?

Griffin: Yes..? [audience laugh]

Travis: Would that be some kind of check I would do? Trustworthiness check?

Griffin: Sure, uh, it’s, wow, we’re actually rolling dice and it’s been 21 minutes. [audience cheers] Uh,

Clint: Do you have a proficiency in trustworthiness?

Griffin: No, it’s not called trustworthiness, it’s callllled….

Travis: Insight?

Griffin: Insight, yes.

Travis: That’s a 14.

Clint: Oh my god, it really is! [audience laugh]

Griffin: No, they seem cool.

Travis: They seem cool, okay.

Justin: I’m impressed.

Griffin: Angus, Angus goes over to check out Brock’s locker, start digging through his belongings—

Travis: His Brocker?

Griffin: —his Brocker, looking for clues. Off to one side of this room is another dressing area, there’s a row of mirrors surrounded by lights, and over by a big tall wardrobe is an even taller Goliath man who has pitch-black hair and a sharp little goatee, and he’s wearing a spectacular tuxedo and uh, he looks at all of you as you walk in the room, and Jess says,

Jess: Dante, these are them.

Griffin: And he looks at you and just kinda considers you for a second. And he says, uh. [clears throat] [beat] [all the boys burst into laughter]

Clint: Let me give you a little insight, let me pull aside the curtain. Right now Griffin is running through the database of voices in his head trying to figure out, ‘Which one have I not used yet?’

Griffin: Uh, no, I got it. He looks at you and he says:

Dante: [in a very deep voice] No.

Griffin: And Jess says,

Jess: Dante, come on!

Griffin: And he says,

Dante: Let me see.

Griffin: He looks at you, Magnus, and he says

Dante: I’m sorry. [audience laugh] You have a wonderful body.

[audience laugh]}}

Magnus: Thank you!
Dante: But you do not have the soul of a champion.

Travis: I punch him in the face. [audience and Justin laugh]

Griffin: Roll that.

Travis: That’s an 18!

Griffin: Oh my god!

Travis: 18 plus 8, a 26.

Griffin: You— okay, here it is. This is the scene. He says,

Dante: You have a beautiful body, but you do not have the soul of a champion.

[Justin and Travis laughing throughout]

Griffin: And you just, before he finishes you just Pop! And it’s literally just like, his face doesn’t move at all and he goes,

Dante: Interesting.

[audience and brothers laugh]

Griffin: He picks up some glasses from the table and puts them on his gigantic face and he just says,

Dante: What does it mean to you to be Supreme Champion?
Magnus: It means being strong enough to make the weak feel safe.
Merle: Oh, god. [Griffin and audience laugh, audience cheers]

Griffin: He says,

Dante: What about your friends? Can they vouch for you?
Magnus: One of them probably will. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: He turns to you, Taako and Merle, and says

Dante: Is this good-bodied individual Supreme Champion material? What has he done in the past that has been Champion-like?

Clint: Um…

Griffin: By the way, this voice was starting out supposed to be kind of Andre the Giant-esque and then it took a pivot towards fuckin’ Droopy. [audience laughter]

Clint: Kinda got a little Alfred Hitchcock…

Travis: Yeah, it’s like if Hitchcock and Andre the Giant had a sad baby. [audience laughter]

Griffin: He asked you to vouch for Magnus for his Champion qualities.

[unintelligible from audience]

Justin: Yeahh, it’s kind of a one-way thing.

Merle: [unenthusiastically] Yeah, he’s the best. He’s the best.
Taako: He’s really… he’s strong.
Merle: He has proficiencies.
Taako: Very good at rolling, if that—
Merle: Carves a mean duck.
Taako: Yeah, carves, he’s good at carving stuff. I don’t understand what you’ll need him for, but… yeah.
Dante: I know Champion jealousy when I hear it.
Taako: [unconvincingly] Yeah, that’s what it is, too.

Griffin: He says,

Dante: Okay, I believe you. I will make you—

Griffin: And now he’s Russian.

Justin: He should slow down, we got all night!

Dante: I will make you, uh, what is your character? What will your, What’s your—
Magnus: My name is... i'Morko! The bear—
Dante: Oh, the bear in Elvish. Yes.

Justin: [imitates guitar riff] That’s a sting I have for— Try it again.

Magnus: My name is... i'Morko!

Justin: [imitates guitar riff]

Griffin: Uh, I think he just like has this big table full of fabric and he just throws it up in the air, and just like, like a cartoon, instead of cutting and sewing it—

Travis: I also want to point out I’ve been wearing the bear mask [laughing] this whole time, just like, talking to another grown adult like, “I’m a champion.”

[audience laughs]

Griffin: I think he makes you, sort of, it’s almost maybe, half furry costume, just like the arms and legs. And the audience reaction to that was maybe the best thing I’ve ever heard. [audience cheers] Because it wasn’t like, it was like half “Yeh!” and then the other half “Ahw.” [audience laugh] Just fine, don’t hate. Uh, and, uh, but there’s like a breastplate on it, uh, and, but, furry arms and legs but also like a breastplate on it.

Clint: Are there nipples?

Travis: Good question.

Griffin: There’s eleven nipples.

Clint: Eleven nipples.

Travis: Yeeaahhh!!!

Clint: Feedin’ time.

Griffin: You suit up, and he looks at you two. And he says,

Dante: Hmm. You know, you two have wonderful bodies as well, would you like me to make you all costumes just for funsies?
Magnus: I had to punch you— [irritated noise]
Dante: No, this one’s for funsies. [audience laughs]
Magnus: You guys should do it.
Merle: I’d love a costume because this arm is killin’ me!
Dante: [laughing] Okay, what do you want me to do about— do you want a massage? What’s the....

Justin: Wait a minute, timeout. Does he have it?

Griffin: What? The wooden arm? Yeah, yeah. This is after Crystal Kingdom, you lost that bad boy.

Clint: Aww..

Justin and Griffin: Sorry, Dad.

Travis: It’s not real!

Griffin: Hold on, what would you do? Would you write, like, a letter like ‘Don’t grab that thing that makes you lose your arm!’ And then like seal it and put it in your pocket like Bill and Ted style? [audience laughter]

Clint: It’s up to Trav.

Griffin: Why would it be up to—

Travis: I would do it even if I knew what was going to happen.

[audience wooing]

Griffin: He asked you if guys want—

Travis: I rolled a 16, if that matters.

Griffin: Do you all want wrestling costumes as well, or do you want to go—

Taako: [quietly] Go for it!
Merle: Yeah!
Dante: What are you thinking?
Merle: Um...

Griffin: You’ll actually be, like, you’ll actually be out there, you’ll be ringside, the manager. So it may make sense for Merle to also have a persona.

Merle: Something with, uh, stripes?
Dante: Stripes-man.
Merle: They’re very slimming.
Dante: You just want to be stripes-man?
Merle: [long beat] Yeah!

Travis: For those of you at home, he is nodding.

Clint: Emphatically.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: I think he does the same thing and he just makes you the sleaziest-looking suit you’ve ever seen.

Clint: I like.

Griffin: And like, maybe 12 pounds worth of fake, like, chains, and the suit is pinstriped? And he’s like,

Dante: Uh, I will call you Pinstripe. [audience laugh]

Justin: That’s good.

Clint: How come he gets to pick his name?

Justin: Well you didn’t pick yours!

Dante: Because you didn’t say anything!

Clint: I would— [sputters] Pause!

Griffin: Paws?

Clint: Gimme a pause so I can jump [unintelligible]

Griffin: [sighs] Okay.

Clint: Pinstripe. I like Pinstripe.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s— Fuck. [audience laugh]

Clint: I think it’s very appropriate. And it’s very slimming.

Dante: Magic boy. [audience laughter]
Taako: Magic man. [bigger laugh, Travis cackles] Listen—

Clint: Magic Mike!

Taako: Here’s my character. And this is kind of a meta one, so hang in there. His name is Tuff Greg. Now here’s Tuff Greg’s thing. He’s kinda—
Merle: Is it T-U-F-F?
Taako: Yeah. That’s good. He’s kind of an everyman? And I want his uniform— this is when you’re making it— I want it to look exactly like the crew you have working the show. So the theme of it would be—

[Griffin cackles, audience cheers]

Taako:The theme of it would be like, he just got up there like ‘What’s Tuff Greg doing?’ but otherwise indiscernible from everybody else in the show. Like, you wouldn’t raise an eye no matter where you saw this guy. Tuff Greg. The character of wrestling.

[Griffin cackles again, the audience cheers]

Griffin: I think he says, uh,

Dante: I have the perfect idea of how to accomplish this.
Taako: Impress me.

Griffin: And he just walks over to one of those security guys, who is perfectly Taako-shaped, and just grabs his shirt and pants and pulls, but it doesn’t rip them, just the clothes come off? [Justin and audience laugh]

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: And the security guy’s a pro, so he doesn’t move.

Justin: [laughing] Doesn’t blink an eye.

Griffin: And he just hands them to you, and they are your perfect size.

Taako: Perfect.
Merle: You oughta at least cut the sleeves off, ‘cause that’s, that’s very in.
Taako: No, I want it to be INDISCERNIBLE.
Merle: But then they’re always gonna confuse you with the— aaaaaaah, alright, yeah, okay. Aaaahhh. I see.

Griffin: You guys are all costumed up, and, uh, before the fight begins,

Travis: How do we look?

Griffin: You look fucking ridiculouusssss.

Travis: But in a good way?

Griffin: Yes, sure. Uh, Jess says, uh, before you go out there,

Jess: Oh, one last thing.

Griffin: And she opens up a locker and she says,

Jess: Magnus and Merle, you’re gonna need to put all your weapons in here.
Magnus: Wha...? I’m. Not so good without them. [laughs weakly, the crowd also laughs]
Jess: I know, it’s BattleFest rules though.
Magnus: Mmmm, but not the gloves, right? That’s part of my costuuuuume.

Griffin: The clothes?

Travis: My gloves!

Jess: No, all of it’s….
Merle: I got a tree arm.
Jess: That’s super great. Hey, what happened there, by the way? You had two—
Magnus: We’ll tell you later.
Merle: Son of a bitch cut my arm off. That’s what the hell happened—
Merle: No, you cut it off!
Magnus: By Pan’s name!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I give Railsplitter a gentle kiss.

Griffin: Okay. [audience laugh]

Travis: And I place it in the—

Clint: That’s the name of your axe, I hope to god.

Travis: And I place it gently in the locker and I say, ‘I’ll be back. Don’t be scared.’ [audience laugh]

Griffin: You hear it go [whimpering noise]

Travis: WHAT???

Griffin: No, I’m just kidding.

Travis: And I hang up, let’s see. Phantom Fist,

Griffin: Yeah, shit.

Clint: This is gonna take all night.

Travis: My rapier, my shortbow— and I’m doing this from memory. And, can I keep the Fletcher’s Mitt? It’s not a weapon.

Jess: No gloves, it’s a no gloves policy too.
Magnus: The Fletcher’s Mitt… do I get to keep my shield?
Jess: Uh, probably not, no.

Audience member: [distant, very quiet] What about Steven?!

Travis: STEVEN’S NOT A WEAPON! [crowd laugh] He is an agent of love. [crowd laugh]

Griffin: I’m gonna move things along. Let’s just say you upload-- you put all your weapons in there.

Travis: Okay, I put everything in there.

Griffin: Taako, you’re allowed to keep your umbrella. And Merle, you’re allowed to keep your bible, your Extreme Teen Bible. It’s not a weapon, it’s a book. And, oh yeah, show everybody your—

Clint: You mean THIS Extreme Teen Bible? [crowd cheers] Also on sale in the lobby after the show.

Griffin: Not true.

Justin: Not true.

Travis: That’s a lie.

Clint: Thank you, pal. You can order ‘em…

Griffin: All right, let’s move forward to BattleFest. I’m gonna split the party up. Yeah, I know. It’s a few minutes ‘til showtime,

Clint: [laughs] Ooooooh.

Griffin: It’s a few minutes ‘til showtime, and Merle and Magnus, you guys are at the top of the entrance ramp behind a curtain. You can hear the crowd, they sound just as rambunctious as they did outside. Taako, Jess has taken you to a service elevator, fulfilling our contractual obligation to have an elevator in this live episode of the show Adventure Zone?

[crowd laughs and cheers]

Griffin: You take the elevator up to the catwalk of Chaos Stadium, and below you can see this sold-out crowd that you’ve been hearing chant backstage for the past hour. There’s easily 20,000 people here all just screaming their brains out.

Merle: What are they chanting?

Justin: So we’re looking at kind of an arena, [crowd cheering] we’re looking at kind of an arena? Calm down, okay, please.

Griffin: Yes, it is an arena, like an indoor....

Justin: So the catwalk would be sorta like a network of.... (unintelligible)

Griffin: Yeah so, the catwalk is actually two long beams that intersect with two other beams going in the other direction—

Clint: How high up is it? Like real, real high?

Griffin: It’s about… no, it’s not that high, it’s about 25 feet up? There’s some lights hanging off of it over the ring. The ring, by the way is a hexagon-shaped? There’s six sides. Six points.

Clint: Can the boy detective go up there too?

Travis: Yeah, what’s Ango doing during all this?

Griffin: No, the boy detective—

Angus: (dejected) I’m sorry sirs, I couldn’t find any good clues. I guess this one’s just out of my hands. (brightly) Anyway, I’m gonna go get a—
Magnus: You looked in the— There was nothing in the locker?
Angus: I’m gonna go get a big pretzel and watch the shooowwwwww ‘cause. [crowd laughs]

Clint: So this is a cameo. Okay.

Angus: It is, uh, my birthday… so…
Magnus: Ango, I am dedicating this fight to you. If I win, you won’t die of some terrible disease. [crowd laughs]

Clint: I give no such reassurance.

Griffin: He says,}

Angus: (dismayed) Am I sick?! [crowd laugh]
Magnus: Not yet. [beat] Give it time.

Griffin: So Taako, you’re up on this catwalk, and you’ve just gone up the elevator.

Justin: Did it, uh, uh….

Griffin: Did it what.

Justin: Are we like- Does the match start?

Griffin: No, not yet.

Justin: Okay. So can I go up to the catwalk, do I have to be up on the catwalk already or can I still be like backstage hanging out?

Griffin: Do you have a fun scene you wanna do? Okay, yeah, no you haven’t [audience laugh] you haven’t gone up yet.

Clint: We don’t rehearse this show ahead of time, so.

Griffin: Yeah, quick retcon.

Justin: This isn’t a fun scene. If, in my outfit,

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: I wanna go to where their weapons are being stored.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I am going to… What’s the situation with the place where, are they locked up, or what’s up?

Griffin: Yeah, they’re locked up in Jess's locker. You guys are, let’s say you guys have already gone out the entrance ramp so you’re not really in the locker room anymore. You still are. You guys are….

Clint: Did we only check our weapons or did we keep all our other stuff?

Griffin: You kept your Bible and your pants or whatever.

Clint: Did I keep Nitpicker?

Griffin: You did, but you’re not with Taako. We’re getting hung up, quick! Quick, do something, do something!

Justin: Yeah, I wanna, so I’m gonna open her locker—

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: With Knock.

Griffin: Okay. Bing!

Justin: Uhh, and then…

Griffin: Is that what you do?

Justin: Mmh?

Clint: Is that the sound it makes?

Justin: At home? Uh, no, I’m gonna cast Leomund’s Secret Chest? Which lets, creates ‘an exquisite chest’ that I can hide on the Ethereal Plane.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [slightly hysterical] Does it say the word exquisite on your card??

Justin: Yes. [Travis and crowd laugh]

Griffin: All of Taako’s spells are exquisite.

Justin: On MY cards it says exquisite.

Clint: Yes. And you always roll 20s.

Travis: I love that.

Justin: Yeah. Yeah, so I throw everything into the exquisite chest and stuff it into the Ethereal Plane.

Griffin: Okay. And what do you do with the chest?

Justin: You’ll find out.

Griffin: Okay, cool. [audience laugh]

Clint: Foreshadowing.

Griffin: All right, let’s fast-forward back to where we were. You’re up on the catwalk, you can see this crowd below, you’re about 25 feet up from the ring, and over this series of… it’s like a hashtag shape, like two and two intersecting?

Justin: Gotcha.

Griffin: Don’t laugh at me making a hashtag shape with my hands. [audience laughs louder] I was very vulnerable…

Clint: By the way, that’s “hashtag HashtagShape”. [audience laugh]

Griffin: I was very vulnerable in that moment. Um, and as you come up the elevator, you see a young human man, who is operating a spotlight, but he hasn’t heard you over the roar of the crowd. He is shining his light onto an MC [ Master Of Ceremonies , Announcer ] who slides through the ropes of the ring and walks to the middle of the stage and grabs a hanging microphone that’s being slowly lowered down by this spotlight boy.

Griffin: Merle and Magnus, you are on the entrance ramp with Jess behind a thick curtain that’s kind of muffling the emcee as he gives the three of you your grand introduction, and Jess says,

Jess: Anything else you two need to know before we get out there?
Merle: What’s our entrance music?
Magnus: Yeah, like, what are we doing?
Jess: Well, you guys can just come out to mine, we’ve got the—
Magnus: Okay.
Merle: Ohh...
Magnus: Who are we facing? Are there any weaknesses, or?
Jess: No, that’s the whole thing, we don’t know. That’s the whole thing, it’s a secret fan vote.
Magnus: Cool, cool.
Jess: Oh, I thought of something.
Magnus: Yeah?

Griffin: She says,

Jess: We’re heels. [beat] Do you know what that means?

[audience begins to laugh]

Magnus: No, what?
Merle: We make people feel better?

Griffin: She says,

Jess: Something like that.

Griffin: —and then pushes the two of you through the curtain onto the top of the ramp.

Griffin: And for a second,

Magnus: Wait, hold on, does that mean we’re jerks?

Griffin: And for a second, when you walk out to the ramp and the spotlight is on you and this music is playing, the spotlight is shining on the three of you, there’s silence, and then there is a deafening wave of boos.

Travis: Yeah!

[audience boos loudly]

Justin: There we go.

Griffin: And Jess is just -

Clint: I don’t think they like that idea, Griffin. [audience laugh]

Griffin: [laughs] Jess is just fucking eating it up. She’s actually- you see now that she has a bunch of paper-mache severed heads that she’s throwing into the audience like, “Yeaaahhh!” [audience laughs and claps]

Clint: We’ll be selling those after the show too.

Travis: I want you to know I, Travis McElroy, love this.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah.

Travis: Magnus Burnsides HATES this. [audience laugh]

Griffin: Yeah, sure. And she holds up her hand in the air and her soulbound axe that she had on the train arc appears in her hand, and she just like buries it in the top of the ramp and, like, runs down to the ring.

Travis: I kind of jog after her like, “Uhhhh,” [audience laugh]

Griffin: Yeah, what are you all doing going down the ramp?

Travis: And I’m kind of doing claw motions with my hands.

Griffin: This is a hostile - [cheers and claps from crowd, presumably Travis was doing the gestures] [big audience laugh]

Clint: I’ll do Fosse hands. I’m doing Fosse hands, jazz hands. Jazz Hands.

Griffin: You’re just gonna Fosse-step the whole way down? (sings) “Hey, I’m Pinstripe -”

Travis: That’s [unintelligible] from Pinstripe!

Clint: Do a little grapevine. Yeah. For you dancers out there.

Griffin: You make your way down to the ring. Taako -

Justin: As they’re entering, I’ve cast Arcane Eye, and am having it hover around the crowd. I can move it up to 30 feet with an action, but since we’re not technically in combat -

Griffin: Sure.

Justin: I just want to have it hovering around, just to give me another set of eyeballs to rely on.

Griffin: Okay, yeah no that’s good. You don’t necessarily see- I mean, everybody’s cosplaying and it’s a crazy wild scene, but you don’t see anybody, like, holding a dark orb and, like, chanting into it. But you do catch the attention of the boy running the spotlight. This is just after they’ve made it to the stage, and they take up a couple minutes just soaking up the boos - well, that sounds bad. [crowd laugh]

Justin: That’s what we did backstage!

Griffin: Yeah. Yeah. And this boy says, uh,

Squeaky-voiced teen: Hey, you’re not supposed to be up here!
Taako: (doing a deep ‘manly’ voice) Hey, it’s me, Greg! [audience laughter and claps]
Squeaky-voiced teen: Well, you’re wearing my clothes, that’s kind of ironclad.

Justin: There’s no way it’s the same guy, I’m not wearing HIS clothes!

Clint: ‘Cause he’d be naked, right?

Justin: ‘Cause he’d be naked!

Squeaky-voiced teen: I meant my uniform! It’s the only clothes I have, so I just call this uniform ‘my clothes’. [audience laugh] It’s not funny, why are you laughing, it’s the only clothes I have! [audience and Justin laugh] Do you have - I’m the only one that’s supposed to be up on the catwalk, they call me Catwalk Boy. [audience and Travis laugh] They call me Gerald, the Catwalk Boy.

[audience and Travis laugh]

Taako (as Tuff Greg): Well, uh, as I always say to the wife before I hop into bed, ‘Make room for Greg! ‘Cause, uh, Greg’s here.’
Gerald: Greg, do you have your ID -
Taako (as Tuff Greg): That’s my handle!
Gerald: Greg, do you have your ID badge on you?
Taako (as Tuff Greg): Sure.

Clint: Push him off the catwalk.

Justin: I cast Charm Person. [audience laugh/cheer] There’s my ID badge, you uppity so-and-so!

Griffin: I get to roll on that, don’t I?

Travis: No...

Justin: Yeah, with the Charisma check of CATWALK BOY.

Griffin: Yeah, I roll a Wisdom saving -

Justin: [giggling throughout] Maybe he is charismatic, he is just in the wrong line of work. [audience laugh] Uh, I attempt to charm… no, it’s even better, it’s a Wisdom saving throw. All the wisdom of Catwalk Boy. [beat] That’s a natural 20. [audience cheers, Justin giggles]

Griffin: Catwalk Greg just says,

Gerald: [beat] No. Not anymore.

Clint: Not on his watch.

Travis: ‘Not again!’

Griffin: And he reaches into his pocket and calmly says,

Gerald: Sir, I’m gonna need to ask you to calmly stay put.

Griffin: And he starts to pull out -

Justin: I’m sorry, did they arm him?.

Griffin: He’s actually pulling out a Stone of Farspeech. And is starting to bring it up to his face. What do you do.

Justin: (softly) Hold on a second.

Clint: Kill him.

Justin: I’m not gonna kill -

Clint: WHY?

Justin: I’m not gonna kill Catwalk Boy.

Clint: It’s a GAME. [audience laugh] He’s not a real person!

Travis: [laughs] Life and death is just a game to Clint McElroy.

Clint: [beat] Eh.

Griffin: [singing] You shoulda had these prepared, before you came on -

Justin: Well I didn’t know what kind of fuckin’ magical scenarios I was gonna get into! I am going to cast…

Griffin: Just draw a random one.

Clint: Kill. Him.

Justin: What? Just draw a random one, see how that goes? I could do that...

Clint: [growling into the microphone in a terrifying whisper] KILL. HIM.

Justin: Um, okay. I cast… Gust of Wind?

Griffin: Holy shit. [audience cheer/laugh]

Clint: Want me to do a little Foley work for ya?

Justin: No, that’s okay.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Yeah, I cast Gust of Wind on him.

Clint: [makes a wooshing sfx anyways]

Justin: It’s only 25 feet, it’ll be fine?

Griffin: What is that, I don’t have that one in my doc.

Justin: It’s “a line of strong wind 60 feet long and 10 feet wide blasts from you in a direction you choose for the spell’s duration. Each creature that starts its turn in the line must succeed on a Strength saving throw or be pushed 15 feet away from you in a direction --”

Griffin: Oh, that ain’t, that ain’t him. [audience laugh]

Clint: And you know there are people underneath you.

Justin: What?

Griffin: That’s a 10. No. So sweet- sweet Catwalk Boy, [audience laugh] Are you blowing him towards the ring or just kind of into the crowd?

Justin: I’m blowing him into the crowd where they can catch him safely. [Travis and Griffin laugh]

Griffin: I’m gonna make a collective dexterity throw for ‘CROWD’. [audience laugh] That’s a 14, okay, they kinda catch him? You hear a,

Gerald: (gradually getting distant) Auuuaghghgaaaah! [audience laugh]

Griffin: And he actually comically drops his Stone of Farspeech as he goes. And the stage goes dark. And it’s dark for a bit and then you hear from the stone,

Gruff voice: Gerald? [beat] Gerald. Where’s the spotlight? Gerald.
Taako (as Tuff Greg): Go for Greg! [audience and Clint laugh] Hey, this is Greg, I heard you got a spotlight issue, my man.
Gruff voice: Greg? Where’s Gerald?
Taako (as Tuff Greg): Went out for a dookie break, brother. You want me to take the spotlight or what? [audience cheers and claps]
Gruff voice: Yeah, just get a light on my fighters.
Taako (as Tuff Greg): He went out to smoke a Fantasy Cigarette, and now you got Greg on the horn.
Gruff voice: Just turn the light on and shine it on my fighters!
Taako (as Tuff Greg): You got it, bubbeleh, any direction you want it aimed, or what?
Gruff voice: [beat] The -- FIGHTER-wards!
Taako (as Tuff Greg): Hey, no need to yell, my man, we’re all friends here. You got Greg on the job now.  All right. I’ll fire up the spotlight, which I know how to use. [audience laugh]

Clint: ‘Cause you’re Greg!

Justin: Hold on. Let me do a... is it a magical spotlight?

Griffin: [snorts] NO??

Travis: (incredulous) Is it an electrical spotlight?

Clint: Careful.

Griffin: (carefully) No.

Clint: Everything you say becomes canon.

Justin: That’s right. Is it a cannon?

Justin: Okay, I’ll do a... Investigation check to see if I can --

Griffin: To see if you can figure out how to work spotlight. [Clint laughs]

Justin: That’s a 15 plus…

Griffin: Yeah, that’s good enough. Yeah, you know how to use Spotlight, it’s a fuckin’ light that you point at things.

Clint: At a certain spot.

Justin: Hey. (to the audience) If you’ve ever run spotlight before, raise your hand. [unintelligible] It’s an art, right? [crosstalk]

Travis: Wow, a lot of theater tech people at a D&D show. Who’d’ve guessed?

Justin: It’s an art.

Clint: Did you do it for a living?

Justin: No.

Griffin: No.

Clint: No. It is a hobby.

Griffin: We gotta move. We’ve been going for like 45 minutes, we gotta really get some --

Clint: And all of a sudden, all the lights go out.

Griffin: Okay, I’m going to describe now the four entrances of the fighters you’ll be facing off against, I’m just going to try to get through it as fast as possible so we can get into this thing.

Griffin: The lights go dark, a shaky spotlight comes up, and a burst of flowers, of roses, comes from the ramp, from behind the curtain. And out comes a woman wearing a red tricorn hat that reaches out to a sharp point forward, she’s got a yellow feather sticking out. Her costume almost looks like fencing gear. She doesn’t have like a fencing foil or anything like that but that is kind of her style. And the audience is like losing their mind for this fighter, [audience cheer] There is a sign that unfurls, that heralds her as Queen Sabine. And she is moving down this ramp with attitude. She’s got a pair of sunglasses on that she just kind of flings into the crowd.

Clint: Ah. Like David Caruso?

Griffin: When the FUCK has David Caruso ever been like, ‘Here comes a pun… The delivery of said pun.’

Clint: You know, I didn’t have to be here tonight, Griffin.

Griffin: Jess leans over to you and kinda hunkers down - ‘cause you’re standing like by the corner of the ring - and she says,

Jess: Okay, shit, that’s Sabine. We used to be tag-team partners but then she got injured so I got a new partner and then she got salty about it, and now we’re kind of bitter rivals.
Magnus: What’s her deal?
Jess: She’s very fast. Why don’t you leave her to me. Magnus, you focus on the other folks that come out that curtain, and Merle you just keep us in the fight. Once all six of us are in the ring, the fight’s gonna kick off.
Magnus: So it’s us two versus three people.
Jess: You got it.
Magnus: Yeahhh. Cool.

Griffin: And then the lights go out again and there’s an explosive pyrotechnic display and the sound of electric lutes that are just getting shredded. [audience laugh] And they are producing some truly gnarly butt-rock. A tapestry rolls down from the entrance ramp, it’s got a bunch of  gothic symbols and a large flaming skull, and the name of the fighter who is emerging from the curtain, and that name is simply ‘Death Man’.

He is wearing a significant amount of greasepaint, but you can still tell that he’s a bit past his fighting prime, also evidenced by the fact that it’s taking him quite a while to get to the ring. Once inside he removes his black trench coat to reveal some big baggy black pants and a black tank top, and he’s got some big ol’ guns!

Travis: Is he bigger than me?

Griffin: Um, yes. And I think his promo is he just points at you, Magnus, and he points at his open mouth, and then he rubs his belly. [audience laugh]

Travis: I flip him off.

Justin: Is Death Man one that Merle recognizes?

Griffin: Yeah, I think… uh, no, this is a different franchise probably than the one that Merle was a fan of.

Justin: He liked that weird Canadian shit.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: And then the arena goes dark again, and this time a floating image of two moons appears over the ramp. [Travis giggles] Yeah, okay. [audience laugh]

Justin: Woof.

Griffin: And in front of that projection you see the silhouette of a man, who changes shape in the moonlight, transforming basically into a werewolf before dashing out of the projection. And a fighter appears at the top of the ramp. Their name appears in the image, and their name is Moonbeam.

Moonbeam is another sort of massive, hulking figure wearing a black spandex onesie with silver trim, and has a, actually a luchador mask on? From the edges of both the mask and the onesie you can see these big thick tufts of brown fur that are poking out, and there’s a big silver crescent moon on their onesie. And I think once they make it into the ring they point at you, Magnus, and they point at their open mouth and then rub their tummy? And then Death Man walks up and kinda tugs on their shoulder, like (vague whispering) ‘no you can’t..’ (whispering) ‘yeah, I just did that’

Travis: I point back at both of them and point at my mouth and rub my tummy with both hands.

Griffin: And then he just kinda sulkingly walks to the corner. And then the lights go out one more time, a spotlight shines down on the top of the ramp, and two large prop angel wings spread out from the sides of the entrance curtain. A sign swings down from the ceiling announcing the entrance of a fighter named Jeff Angel. And before I describe Jeff Angel’s entrance I would very much like to play his entrance music, which is the only piece of original music that I have prepared for the evening. (to the sound guy) If you could play ‘Jeff Angel’s Theme’ from… there it is. And really crank it up?

[MUSIC: ‘Jeff Angel’s Theme’ by Griffin McElroy begins playing]

Clint: Shh, let ‘em listen. [beat] Wow, I can feel that in my nards.

Griffin: Please do not talk over the drop.

Clint: Oh, right.

Griffin: (over the music) Wearing a pair of blue denim pants that appear to be cut off at the knee. [beat] Which is a type of wizardry your mind can barely conceive of. [beat] Wearing two bright green wristbands, and absolutely no shirt, enters Jeff Angel. [beat] Half bird, half man. [beat] With long bright white feathers and two long beautiful wings. You can turn down Jeff Angel’s theme song.

Travis: Without even thinking, Magnus bursts into applause.

[audience claps and cheers]

Griffin: The audience reaction to Jeff Angel is mixed, at best. [laughter] Uh, and, uh, he jumps into the ring and he flies up a little bit– he’s Aarakocra, by the way, which is a fun new D&D race. Um, and he grabs the microphone that’s starting to be raised up. He, like, grabs it and pulls it back down, and he says,

Jeff Angel: (with large, projected voice) My name is Jeff Angel.

[Travis clapping, audience giving a ‘mixed’ reception to Jeff]

Griffin: That’s great. Says, uh,

Jeff: And I value three things above all: integrity, hard work, and being nice to kids! Now, uh, I don’t know much about Jess’s new partner and manager here, but I do know one thing: these seem like the type of guys that forget to call their dads on their birthdays!

[audience boos/cheers]

Magnus: August 10th? I would never forget!

Griffin: He says,

Jeff: Well, Jeff Angel calls his dad every day!

[audience cheers]

Justin: From the rafters, you hear,

Taako (as Tuff Greg): (distantly) You tell ‘em, Jeff!

Justin: Gary’s a Jeff-head.

Griffin: And then, uh–

Justin: Greg. (in sarcastic voice) Sorry.

[audience laughter]

Griffin: And then, uh, [starts laughing] that’s the end of his speech. [continues laughing]

Travis: I call my dad every day!

Clint: [snorts]

Griffin: Back to Taako, real quick. A door at one of the ends of the catwalk opens up and two security guards come barging in. And just as they point in your direction [anticipatory music begins to play] and yell something, the starting bell below rings. Let’s roll some initiative.

[audience cheers loudly]

[MUSIC: “Jeff Angel Theme” by Griffin McElroy fades in]

{Commercial Break: 56:45-1:03:45}

[MUSIC: “Jeff Angel Theme” by Griffin McElroy fades out]

Travis: I got a 13.

Clint: I got a 14, but I roll again cus of some thingamajig that I have.

Griffin: It’s been so long. What’d you get?

Clint: 18!

Justin: Nice.

Travis: Plus what?

Clint: Plus...

Travis: Yep.

Clint: Plus...

Travis: Yep.

Clint: Somebody out there knows.

Griffin: Jesus.

Travis: No, that’s not what we’re doing!

Griffin: What’d you get Taako?

Clint: What, what am I doing? Where? What am I looking at? [audience laughter]

Griffin: Oh no, the app is broken.

Clint: It’s not so easy is it, smart ass.

Griffin: There you go. There’s a box called initiative―

Clint: See? Zero initiative so I was right, 18! [audience cheering]

Griffin: Okay, Regis Philbin. Taako, what’d you got?

Justin: Do you feel like I should have advantage on that cus I had the Arcane Eye that probably saw the door opening.

Griffin: Yeah, I like that!

Justin: Okay good. I had a―

Clint: We know you were really gonna try tonight.

Justin: I had a bad one but, 6. It’s initiative, that’s good! That’s what you want, you want low.

Travis: You want to go last.

Justin: You want low because it starts 1 and goes…

Griffin: Uhhhh….

Justin: Shit. I actually don’t know if that was a joke or not.

Clint: And that makes you adorable.

Justin: I just wait for people to say, ‘Go Taako!’ and ‘s like, ‘Okay! I’ll go!’

Griffin: First in the order is Merle! Off to the corner of the ring-- so again just to sort of lay out the objectives here: Magnus, you’re trying to beat the four fighters. Jess says she can handle Sabine, so really you’ve got Jeff Angel, Death Man, and Moonbeam. Merle, you’re off to the side, you’ve got to keep everybody sort of healthy and vital but if you want to get in there and mix it up that would be fun and inexplicable but go for it. And Taako you are beset upon by two security guards but you’re also trying to keep them safe from an assassin.

Justin: How far away are the security guards?

Griffin: I mean, it’s not gonna be your turn for such a long time―

Justin: Perfect.

Griffin: ―that I feel like I have a while to figure that out.

Justin: Perfect, that’s perfect.

Griffin: But they’re about 30 feet away from you. Let’s say 29 feet in case you’ve got a good 30-foot spell. Merle! What are you doing?

Clint: I’m going to do something really out of character.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I’m going to cast, like, a cleric thing. [audience laughter then cheering]

Clint: Yeah. I thought about casting Zone of Truth but I’m gonna save that.

Travis: (emotionally) I never call my dad!

Clint: For an even more inappropriate moment. I cast Aid, which is a spell that bolsters my allies with toughness and resolve.

Griffin: I bet you’re regretting wearing those prop glasses―

Clint: I can’t see shit. [audience laughter]

Griffin: Travis, just read his cards for him, I had to dress him backstage.

Clint: I did the resolve part.

Travis: Yeah, each target’s hit point maximum, current hit points, increase by five for the duration.

Clint: Some nice shit there, right?

Griffin: So now Magnus has five extra hit points?

Travis: Yeah, and it permanently- or it increases for the duration of the thing so you can heal back up to that level,

Griffin: Sure.

Clint: So I’m gonna cast that on… [beat]

Travis: Magnus?

Clint: Magnus! Played by Travis McElroy.

Travis: Well, you remembered that one, huh.

Clint: I have to.

Travis: Legally.

Clint: You’re a dependent.

Griffin: You cast a spell- You cast―

Travis: Wait, I am not! I am thirty-two-goddamn-years old―

Clint: Yeah but I’m still claiming ya.

Travis: Let’s never release this episode!

Griffin: Yeah. I think you cast that spell on Magnus and then from the crowd you hear like,

NPC: Yeahh, great buff.
Merle: Is that what it’s called?
NPC: It’s all about the f―

Griffin: You hear one cleric in the audience just go like,

NPC: Yeah man, it’s all about the fundamentals.

Clint: And it was on that night, July 15th, 2016: I cast a buff.

Griffin: Magnus, you are-- oh actually, next in the order is Jess and Sabine, who I think just do that wrestler thing where they just like, run up to each other and just like, start hitting each other very fast and they’re sort of tied up. Magnus it is your turn, next in the order.

Travis: I’m going to.. How are they all standing? Where is everybody.

Griffin: Each one is in like a corner right now. Or they moved in a little bit from the corner but they’re..

Travis: Do they have-- this is an important question.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Turnstile ropes, the whole ti―

Griffin: Turnstile ropes, three ropes, the whole thing

Travis: Great, I’m going to make like I’m running at Moonbeam.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Like, y’know, maybe like a stiff-arm.

Griffin: Sure.

Travis: But at the last minute I’m gonna pull stiff-arm, bounce off the rope and come at his back.

Griffin: Okay. I want you to, no joke, I want you to describe every maneuver that you do with that level of detail.

Travis: You’ve got it!

Griffin: Go ahead and roll your attack roll and then, depending on― [metallic clinking]

Travis: Oh, that’s my keychain! [laughs]

Clint: Don’t roll your keychain.

Travis: Oh, that’s a 3. [laughter]

Clint and Travis: [making a ‘WHOA-OH-OH’ sounds]

Travis: Plus 8, 11.

Griffin: God, that’s so many, but still no. So you do like a- you bounce off the ropes and you come at him with your stiff-arm and then you hit him and you just kinda like, push forward, like,

Clint: UuuUUhhHHHH [making a pathetic moaning sound] Can he make that noise? uuUUUhhHHHH.

Griffin: And I think Moonbeam just kinda pushes you away.

Travis: I get multiple attacks per round.

Griffin: Okay, go ahead.

Travis: And now I’m gonna try to, I don’t know.. Uhhmmm. [high-pitched, uncertain voice] Scissor kick, is that thing? I’m just gonna jump on Moonbeam’s back and cover his eyes.

Clint: Make him guess who it is!

Travis: Yeah, but like, in a really angry way. I’m a bad guy. Rawr.

Griffin: Uhh, okay. What do you think that would be, like a―

Travis: I think I would just do it.

Griffin: I think it would be a―

Travis: Acrobatics?

Griffin: No, I think it would be a strength check, probably.

Travis: Oh no, there’s one of my d20s gone. Okay. Strength check? I’m good at those!

Griffin: Yeah, cus he’s gonna try to wrestle you off.

Travis: That’s a seventeen plus eight, 25.

Griffin: I got an 18 so that’s good enough. Okay you’re now covering his eyes and kind of―

Travis: Oh, and also, I’m saying really mean things in his ear.

Griffin: Like what?

Travis: Like, you’re a poop and nobody likes you! I’m a jerk, rawr.

Griffin: Okay. I think next up is-- not I think, I have a list of people, it’s Death Man, is up next. Death Man is just gonna run and he was gonna attack you, Magnus, but I think he’s just gonna spear tackle the two of you.

Clint: Two of who??

Griffin: Moonbeam and Magnus.

Clint: Okay [sigh of relief]

Travis: Can I use my cunning action now?

Griffin: Uhh, no? [drowned out: It's not your turn-]

Clint: How many turns do you get?!

Travis: I get a lot man, how many spells do you get?

Clint: One a time.

Travis: Alright. Asked and answered.

Griffin: He tackles the two of you, which does damage to both of you, but it unfortunately knocks you off his back and both of you are now prone on the ground.

Travis: Poop.

Griffin: And take.. oh my god, take 11 points of damage.

Travis: I’m gonna do parry.

Griffin: Okay, what’s that do?

Travis: When hit, use the dice to reduce damage by d8.

Griffin: Okay, just do it.

Travis: Mmkay.

Clint: D&D, invented by Gary Gygax.

Travis: (to himself) Uhh, this one..

Clint: Welcome to the Exposition Zone!

Travis: That’s a four, plus my dexterity, which is two so, [unintelligible] 6.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Y’know what I didn’t bring?

Griffin: What?

Travis: Anything to write anything down with!

Griffin: Ohh no! Do we have a pen? Can somebody in the-- throw a, just throw a-- don’t throw it, that would be bad, but--

Travis: Please don’t throw it.

Clint: Because obviously we are not very dexterous.

[sound of a pen being thrown/caught]

[audience laughter and commotion]

Clint: Geez!

Griffin: Alright, please stop.

Travis: O-KAY. We are good now! Thank you.

Justin: Kelsey, everybody, thank you Kelsey!

Clint: Got a pen!

Griffin: Alright, uhh.

Travis: Thank you.

Clint: Some pruning shears?

Griffin: Next in the order is Jeff Angel. And Jeff Angel waves his hand in front of his face, and then disappears.

[audience cheering]

Clint: Would you guys buy action figures of these wrestlers?

Justin: I feel like a―

Griffin: That would be- we would get busted for intellectual property theft so fast.

Clint: Really, is that somebody?

Griffin: Have you heard of the wrestler named Jonathan Cena?

Justin: I like him, he was very, he was...

Clint: He was a great singer, wasn’t he?

Justin: Great singer, yeahh... What?

Clint: John Cena?

Griffin: Okay so, Moonbeam is next and Moonbeam stands up from being prone, so move action, and Moonbeam is going to get on top of you, Magnus, for a pin.

Travis: No he’s not-- wait, what, is he?

Griffin: He is going to get on top of you for―

Travis: Check your notes.

Griffin: Make a strength check with me.

Travis: Can I first, like, say something to him?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Magnus: Let’s fuck up this old man first, like, if you beat me you’re just going to have to face him, so why don’t we tag team him?

Griffin: No, their only objective is only to take out you and Jess.

Travis: Oh, reeeally?

Griffin: Yeahh, it’s them four against you. What you got.

Travis: What are we doing? Strength?

Justin: Hey can I, quick time out. I feel like in the fiction he would have said that and I feel like you would need to respond, because it seems like in fiction he would have thought that―

Griffin: Okay, he says, uh,

Clint: Character voices!

Travis: I did mine.

Clint: Oh…

Griffin: He says, uh,

Moonbeam: No.

Justin: It's the character voice police.


Justin: We finally got ‘em all in one room boys! Everybody except the portly one. He crushes it every episode, he’s trying! [audience cheering]

Griffin: He says,

Moonbeam: I feel like I should listen to you but,
Magnus: Yeah.
Moonbeam: I think I’m just gonna pin you instead.
Magnus: S’fair.

Griffin: Are you gonna roll that dice?

Travis: Umm, it’s eight plus eight, 16.

Griffin: No, okay, he’s on top of you now so if it gets back to Moonbeam’s turn you have lost the wrestling match.

Travis: I’m not going to. I think the person that that definitely needs to be directed to is my buff friend.

Clint: Ohh really, arm chopper?

Griffin: First up is the- oh boy. A lot of stuff surfacing tonight. Next up, actually, is the security guards who run over to you, Taako,

Justin: Perfect.

Griffin: Recognize you as not one of their own.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Uhhm, and, I don’t know how they do it- maybe they have a special pair of glasses on that lets them see.. [gradually breaks into laughter]

Justin: It seems like you kinda cheated around my good idea.

Griffin: Okay, yeah no, okay. Alright alright, they run over to you and say, uhh. uhh... [beat] [choppy laugh] I fucking forgot his name already, Catwalk Gerald.

Clint: Jer, Jerry?

Justin: Catwalk Boy, I think it was.

Guard NPC: Catwalk Boy Gerald fell down and he came to us and said that a guy matching your description knocked him off. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?
Taako: (as Tuff Greg) Yeah, you guys got me fair and square, let’s get outta here.

[audience laughter]

Griffin: Okay. They’re going to put a plastic zip-tie around your wrist and arrest you, Are You Cool With That?

Justin: Sooounds great.

Griffin: Okay, they just do it.

Justin: Okay, good.

Griffin: It is actually, you’re next in the order, it’s your turn.

Justin: Yeah, no. I cast Mislead.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I turn invisible at the same time as an illusory double of me appears where I’m standing.

[audience cheering & clapping]

Griffin:I will let the- I will break the laws of D&D to let these two things happen at the exact same time.

Justin: What- what do you mean?

Griffin: It wasn’t your turn but it can definitely be your turn.

Justin: You said it was my turn.

Griffin: It’s your turn now, yeah. But they arrested you on their turn.

Justin: They arrested me, that’s their turn, I didn’t want to raise suspicions.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: So, Mislead. And then I get the Umbra Staff up. Open. It has feather fall in it- I jump off the catwalk, onto the guy that currently has Magnus pinned.

[audience cheering]

Griffin: Yeah. Are you, are you―

Justin: But here, okay, here’s the other thing: the other―

[audience chanting Taako’s name]

Justin: The other small note of this, is that I can make it gesture, speak, and behave in whatever way I choose.

Griffin: So now you are playing fake-Taako-who-has-been-arrested, and invisible-Taako-in-the-ring?

Justin: Right.

Griffin: How long are you invisible?

Justin: Up to an hour.

Griffin: This spell is OP. Okay.

Justin: It’s a good spell! But I can’t direct- Okay, I can also see through his eyes and use his senses.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: But I become blind and deaf in my meat-form when I’m in spirit.

Griffin: So you just launched your body into like, darkness without seeing like, where you were going if your invisible form is the one that can’t see or hear?

Justin: But I’m- no, I choose at will.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And right now I want to see the guys jumping on the guy.

Griffin: Okay, yeah you see the guys jumping on the guy. Yeah, you land on Moonbeam and knock him off, saving Magnus from the pin he just―

Justin: Perfect. And then I get the hell out of the ring.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you probably had a little bit of move action.

Justin: Arcane eye is still active, I still have an overhead view of the ring. And now I’m prob- I’m just cruis―

Griffin: Jesus, okay, so you’ve got like a fucking full blown like picture in picture―

Justin: I’ve got a fucking snake eyes style security network, like, fucking, I’ve got my eyes in the Gary, I’ve got-- or what’s his name? Greg, I’ve got my eyes in the Greg. Greg eyes up. I’ve got Arcane Eye. And then I’m cruising, I’m just patrolling around, walking around―

Griffin: Here’s what I’ll―

Clint: You’re like Jesus or something.

Griffin: With your floating eye then, I will say this: after you jump down, you see a shape up on the catwalk that was standing basically right next to you, before you jumped down, that was wearing a Chameleon Cloak that was sort of hiding them. They don’t see your floating eyeball, so they kinda poke their head out, and you see a figure up on the catwalk that you just jumped down from.

Justin: Great, okay.

Travis: Probably fine.

Justin: But my turn’s gotta be over as hell by now, right.

Griffin: Your turn is super duper over.

Justin: Okay, yeah.

Griffin: I also wanna make clear, you two do not know about this figure at all.

Travis: That’s fine.

Justin: Cool.

Griffin: Merle, you’re next.

Clint: I don’t even know what the hell we’re talking about anymore.

Griffin: Great! Merle it’s your turn. Merle, actually, before you go, Jess, who is like, still like, just her and Sabine are just like, having a Punch! Jess, mid-punch, she’s like turns to you and points down at the ring and like points like, she’s pointing under it like,

Jess: [subtle whispering] Look under the ring, under the ri―

Griffin: She’s mouthing,

Jess: [subtle whispering] Under the riiiING.

Clint: And she’s pointing at her ass like that?

Griffin: Nope.

Clint: Does she need one of those hemorrhoid cushions?

Griffin: And it’s your turn.

Clint: [beat] Oh, you said no hemorrhoid jokes. I forgot, I’m sorry. In pre-show prep. I forgot that.

Griffin: What’s your- what are you going to do on your turn, in the game, Dungeons and Dragons?

Clint: I’m gonna go look under the ring!

Travis: Yaaayyyyy!

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: Roll a d20 for me.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Yep.

Audience member: Do you know which one that is!?

Travis: He got it.

Griffin: Ohh, sick fucking burn from the crowd!

Clint: C’mon, let’s go! C’mon!

[audience cheering]

Travis: Sit down dad, it’s not worth it.

Clint: My arm fell off.

[audience laughter]

Justin: He actually has a caddy―

Clint: My arm fell off.

Justin: And this caddy has each one labeled so,

Clint: We’ll be selling these in the lobby after the show.

Justin: WE WON’T.

Travis: We won’t! You liar.

Clint: Guys this, it’s pre-marketing.

Travis: It’s not, it’s lies.

Justin: Pre-marketing for non-existent products!

Griffin: (slightly exasperated) Please roll the dice.

Justin: Clinton!

Travis: He rolled it, he got a 15.

Clint: 15! What am I adding to it?

Griffin: Okay for a fift-- Nothing, it’s just a roll to see what you pull out from underneath- this is kind of like a Fantasy Gachapon of its own. [audience woo-ing]

Griffin: I have a table―

Clint: And I get to keep it, right?

Griffin: It is a big metal ladder, is what you pull out from under. I’m also going to say that doesn’t count as your action. Now you have a big metal ladder and―

Clint: What kind of magic does it have?

Griffin: The- It can get you up higher? Levitation, but like, a super efficient form of Levitation?

Clint: Oh, alright. How high is it? How tall?

Griffin: 8 feet.

Travis: Have you watched wrestling, ever?

Clint: I watch Olympic Wrestling. I watch Greco-Roman wrestling.

Griffin: I will say―

Travis: Wait, hold on. (in a high-pitched incredulous voice) Do you?

Clint: (in the same tone of voice) Nooo.

Travis: Oohkay.

Griffin: I will say this―

Justin: Okay, super quick. Raise your hand if you’ve ever wrestled for a sport. Okay, there we go, that’s Travis.

Clint: (loudly) I was a, (in a normal tone) oh you were, weren’t you.

Travis: Yes I was.

Clint: I went to every wrestling match he did.

Travis: And watched me lose every time!

Clint: He lost every match! The one time I didn’t go―

Travis: No, we don’t have to tell this story.

Clint: The one time I didn’t go [beat]

Travis: I beat a kid with the flu.

Clint: He beat a kid with the flu.

Travis: It was the one time I ever won at wrestling.

[audience cheering & laughing]

Griffin: The things you pull out from under the ring can be used for whatever you want, they can also be used as improvised weapons. That’s what the stuff under the ring exists for.

Clint: You’re really leading me down the path here, aren’t ya.

Griffin: Nah, I’m saying do whatever you want you have an improvised weapon or you can get up high and change a lightbulb or… [audience laughter]

Clint: Alright! I take the magic ladder, with all the powers it has, and I hit [beat] somebody with it.

Griffin: Which one?!

Clint: (off mic) Shit!

Griffin: Jeff Angel, Moonbeam, or Death Man.

Clint: (uncertainly) De- The m-moon Jeff.. being deathblown-

Travis: He moons Jeff!

Griffin: Oh, you know what? Moon Jeff is an acceptable answer, because of your ingenuity, it’s long enough you could probably hit two of these boys with it. [cheering]

Clint: I knoww, Griffin. I hit [beat] Moon and Jeff.

Griffin: Okay, roll your d20.

Clint: [unintelligible]

Griffin: Plus seven, it’s a plus seven!

Clint: So that’d be 20!! I hit him with a 20.

Griffin: Okay yeah, that’ll hit both of them. Roll one d12, the twelve-sided  one.

Clint: Oh, schnickey.

Travis: Yeah, you got it. He can do it. [audience laughter]

Clint: I feel like I oughta be taking them out of a little silk purse and a fly comes outta it.

Travis: Okay, move it along.

Clint: Here comes a twelve.

Travis: It’s a 12.

Clint: It’s... a 12!

Griffin: Nice, okay.

Clint: [laughing] Damn, I’m good at this game.

Griffin: So, actually, what you did, to make it clear, you threw it at Moonbeam and it also hit the invisible Jeff Angel, knocking him out of invisibility.

Clint: Did I kill ‘im?

Griffin: No, but―

Clint: (hushed, to himself) Shit.

Griffin: ―Moonbeam looks bad off. Next in the order is Jess and Sabine, and I think Jess actually manages to get one over on Sabine and has her pinned. Next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: I’m gonna pick up that ladder.

Griffin: Nice.

Travis: Thank you. And I’m just gonna two-handed swing it at ol’ Moonbeam.

Griffin: Okay. [isolated, single audience member clap]

Travis: Thank you.

Clint: The ol’ ladder bash.

Travis: Uhh.. oh, that’s not gonna do it―

Clint: Boy, this being-honest stuff is not working for you.

Travis: Well, I’m not using my good dice, where’s my good die? There we go.

Clint: Yeah, roll―

Travis: So that was a 4,

Clint: Roll the dice that doesn’t have a four on it―

Travis: ―and that doesn’t do it. But now I’m gonna backhand swing for my second attack.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: [beat] That’s not any better, that’s a 6.

Griffin: So many whiffs! No, no, no, and no.

Travis: Perfect. I’m now going to use Cunning Action. [audience member cheers] Thank you. To get away.

Griffin: Okay. Where you going?

Travis: Uuhmmm. I’m actually going to get on the other side of Jess so that she’s flanking Sabine.

Griffin: Okay, that’s fine.

Travis: I’ve still got the ladder in my hand.

Griffin: That’s fine.

Travis: And I hold it in front of me like a shield.

Griffin: Magnus, make a dexterity saving throw for me.

Travis: That’s a thirteen plus two, 15?

Griffin: Okay, you- as you are making that action a dart flies by your neck, just missing you by an inch, and sticks into the ring, and you see it stick into the ring and then it vanishes in a puff of black smoke.

Travis: Was it Jeff Angel?

Griffin: No, it didn’t come from anybody in the crowd or in the ring.

Travis: Can I do a quick perception check to see if I can tell where it came from?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: That’s a thirteeeeeEEEN.... Yep.

Griffin: It came from above. [audience laughter]

Griffin: Next in the order is―

Travis: I look at Merle and I just point to the catwalk.

Griffin: Next in the order is Death Man? Who’s actually gonna run over and try to stop Jess from pinning Sabine. And that’s a 2, so he’s just like,

Death Man: Cut it out!
Merle: You bad lady!

Griffin: And then Jeff, I think, is going to spread his beautiful white wings and fly up in the air and then come diving down with a kick on you, Magnus.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: And he rolls a 22 versus AC, that’s probably gonna do it.

Travis: That is gonna a hit.

Clint: Now, he does have the ladder held up in front of him as a shield.

Griffin: That’s only 9 points of damage.

Travis: Yeah, it’s still gonna hit. What?

Griffin: 9 damage. Please don’t do anything else to―

Travis: Yeah it’s fine.

Griffin: Moonbeam is up next, and what Moonbeam does is really interesting.

Travis: He cries.

Griffin: Because he looks like he’s about to run at you, Magnus, and then he stops. And he sniffs and he goes, [sniffing sounds], and he looks around the ring, and he looks directly at you, Taako,

Travis: Holy shit!

Griffin: And he runs over to you Taako, and grabs you? And as soon as he does, your invisibility wears off, and he picks you up, and he lifts up a claw to come swinging down at you and he goes,

Moonbeam: Taako! What the blazes are you doing here?

Travis: It’s Klaaaaaaaaaaaaarg!!!

[audience cheering & clapping]

Griffin: And he takes―

Clint: It’s Kelsey Grammer, ladies and gentleman!

Griffin: And he takes off his luchador mask, and it is Klarg, the bugbear.

Travis: YEAH!!! [audience cheering]

Griffin: And he says,

Klarg: As I live and breathe, Taako, my dearest friend! What are you doing here?
Taako: Well.

Griffin: It’s a beautiful reunion.

Taako: I was invisible. And now I’m not, so thank you for that, that’s good.
Klarg: I’m sorry, I thought I smelled your beautiful musk.
Taako: And indeed you did, very perceptive.
Klarg: I just want to say, I want to clear the air. The last time we saw each other, you made me jump off of a motorcycle, onto a tank, into a laser beam, and I just want to say, I understand why you had to do that―
Taako: Sure.
Klarg: ―and I’m not angry.
Taako: Uhhhh. It’s good to see you.
Klarg: It’s very good to see you.
Taako: I, I uhm.
Klarg: I have a new tea backstage I’m very excited about, I think you’re going to love it.
Taako: First off, let’s say the obvious: I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to try and kill ya.
Klarg: That was really sweet. I have something I also want to―

Griffin: And then he- you hear like a BZZZT, and he goes rigid.

Taako: Son of a bitch.

Griffin: And then he fucking suplexes you. [audience crying out ‘Noo’]

Justin: Nooooo.

Griffin: I actually think he grabs you and jumps off the top rope with crazy bugbear acrobatics and jumps like, ten feet in the air and suplexes you. And that’s a 24. [audience groaning]

Justin: Let me see, let me check my AC. [audience laughter]

Travis: I’m gonna force disadvantage because I said I was wielding as a shield, and I’m gonna use my protector thing to make him have to roll again.

Griffin: I don’t think you were within five feet of him.

Travis: How big is the fuckin’ hexagon!

Griffin: It’s big, it’s a, y’know, it’s big. [audience laughter then some scattered boos]

Griffin: Okay, yeah, no, I’ll roll it again. [laughs] How about a 21? Does that still get there?

Justin: That’s a hit, yes.

Griffin: He does this insane, like, diving suplex and you get hit for 28 points of damage. [audience ‘Ohhh’-ing]


[scattered laughter]

Clint: That’s bad, right?

Justin: Not great.

Griffin: And you are prone. And he says,

Klarg: (in a deeper, angrier tone) You made me jump off of a motorcycle, onto a tank, and get shot by a laser!
Taako: [beat] True. Guilty-- listen, listen, listen: Taako earned that one. That’s a- I’ll grant you that suplex for free. Don’t do it again, I will literally die.

Griffin: I think the security guards are next, do we play out what―

Travis: [laughing]

Griffin: ―fake Taako does?

Justin: Well, okay, here’s the only problem, I need- No, we can’t because I need a bonus―

Griffin: I think the- actually the spell’s broken, probably, when he shook you out of the invisibility?

Justin: He got me out of the invisibility, didn’t break the other guy, but I need to use a bonus action to be able to switch my awareness, so I wouldn’t see what that...

Griffin: Okay, we’ll then-- they’re just like―

Justin: But he is- The thing about him though, the programming I left him with, he is chattering incessantly and saying the most banal, like, state-of-the-world things. So literally, every word out of his mouth, constantly, because I didn’t teach him how to listen, is just like,

Dummy Taako: (as Tuff Greg) So! Crazy weather we’re having, huh? That’s how Greg sees it anyway! You guys going to the Padres game later?
Guard NPC: No like, stop, wait, hold on, we have to ask you questions about how you broke through our security―
Dummy Taako: (as Tuff Greg) No, no, no, listen, I love being here with you guys, this is great! You got any SOH-DA?

Justin: Every time Greg says soda, that’s how he says it.

Griffin: Taako you’re actually up next- whoa― [Assuming their reactions, the house lights or lights came on, showing the rest of the crowd]

Travis: Hello everybody.

Griffin: Hi everybody.

Clint: Ha ha, oh MY GOD! THEY’RE OUT THERE!

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Taako, you’re up next. You got, uh, uhh. Sabine’s about to pin somebody―

Travis: No, I thought Jess had Sabine.

Griffin: Yeah, Jess has Sabine, sorry, Jess is about to pin Sabine. You got three other fighters, and you have a dart that just came at Magnus from the catwalk.

Justin: Okay, I cast Cloud Kill.

Griffin: What the fuck?

Justin: That’s a cool name, right? Yeah, so check this heat. I created a 20 foot radius sphere of poison- this is at the center of the catwalk [clicks tongue]. You create a 20 foot radius sphere of poisonous, yellow-green fog centered on a point you choose within range.

The fog spreads around corners, it lasts for the duration or until strong wind disperses the fog (good luck indoors) ending the spell. Its area is heavily obscured, so cheese it with the knives. When a creature enters the spell’s area for the first time on or on a turn, it starts its turn there. The creature must make a constitution saving throw and, uhh. Well, we should start with that.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Still, again, let me remind you―

Griffin: Oh my god!

Clint: ―there’s a bunch of people underneath this!

Justin: Yeah, but it’s a 20 foot sphere. It’s a 20, folks!

Griffin: No that’s a 1!

Justin: That’s a 1, actually, on that one. So that’s a critical failure.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, no, this..

Justin: I failed as hell, so now it’s going to take five d8 poison damage.

Griffin: Holy shit. [audience ‘Ohh’-ing & cheering]

Justin: Uhhm, Okay, uhh, okay good. They’re affected even if they hold their breaths, so let’s see what we got here. Four. Six, 10. Seven,

Clint: 17.

Travis: 17.

Justin: Five,

Travis and Clint: 22.

Griffin: Wow, show-offs!

Justin: Two.

Travis: 24.

Justin: Is that all, is that five?

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: Was that five?

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: What was the total?

Justin: What?

Griffin: One more, apparently, everybody’s saying one more.

Justin: One more. That’s a seven.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: 31.

Justin: I point at the sky and say,

Taako: I got that fart touch!

Justin: And then emit a Cloud Kill―

Griffin: Alright.

Justin: ―into the air.

Griffin: I think in the interest of moving things along the, this shadowy figure goes next and you hear a,

Cloaked Figure: Augh!

Griffin: As they get this bad bad poison damage and then they cast Gust of Wind to push the poison cloud directly downward into the ring.

Justin: Hell yeah! [audience exclaiming “ouhh”s]

Griffin: I need everybody to make a constitution saving throw.

Travis: Ohh yeahh. [beat] Ohh noo... [laughter]

Travis: I rolled a 13, or I got a 13.

Griffin: Oh my god. [Clint rolls]

Clint: Ohhh no.

Griffin: Ohh my god.

Clint: I rolled a... 6…

Griffin: Holy shit, this is gonna hit everybody! Holy shit, IT HIT EVERYBODY.

[audience laughter & clapping]

Griffin: How’d you do Taako?

Justin: 13.


Merle: Smooth move Ex Lax.
Taako: I tried my best.

Griffin: One- how many is it, five d8?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: One. That’s seven. Holy shi― [indiscernible audience member]

Griffin: You can’t- I’m trying to add things. What? Oh yeah, dwarves are- have something―

Travis: Thank you, that one time tonight, but not again. You have advantage against poisoning, roll again.

Clint: Yeahh! Oh yeah, I do. Ohh, thank you Jesus. [beat] 19! [audience cheering]

Travis: But just that one time!

Clint: But never do that again.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Okay. So it’s 20 points of damage.

Travis: That’s nothing to me.

Clint: Ha!

Travis: I take 20 points of damage when I eat my breakfast.

Clint: Wait a minute, do I take 20 points of damage?

Travis: No.

Merle: Oh guys, you don’t want me to be the last one standing.

Griffin: No you’re fine.

Magnus: We actually do, you’re the cleric!
Merle: What does that mean?

[audience laughter]

Griffin: How’s Taako?

Justin: He’s alright.

Merle: Is that like, an accountant?

Griffin: Are we about to have a Taako-death, like, time paradox situation on our hands?

Justin: Nah, I’m good.

Griffin: Okay. I think with that, ‘cause we have been going for, like an hour and a half now?

Travis: Yeahh.

Griffin: That takes out a few folks. I think Sabine gets pinned. I think Jess takes quite a bit of damage but she is still up. Death Man goes down- actually, no, Death Man is fine, Jeff goes down and― [audience ‘awhh’-ing]

Griffin: Yeah...

Travis: FUCK JEFF! [audience laughter, one going “BOO JEFF”]

Clint: You wouldn’t buy his action figure and now you all love him!

Griffin: So this happens and you feel a quake happen throughout the crowd as this happens and everybody’s just like, running off because now they’re terrified of this poison cloud that has descended upon the ring and nearly killed everybody.

And that figure falls off the catwalk, into the ring, and you see a woman with short red hair wearing that Chameleon Robe, and she has like a, bandolier with those darts on and she’s got a staff. And she falls down and helps herself up and says,

Cloaked Figure: (winded) I don’t know, which one of you is working with Garrigos, but I don’t have time to wait anymore and figure it out.
Merle: It’s him.

Griffin: She looks at you, Taako, and says,

Cloaked Figure: You. Powerful wizard.
Taako: Euhh.
Cloaked Figure: Master wizard.
Taako: (giggles)
Cloaked Figure: Are you an acolyte?
Taako: (tittering laughter) What?
Cloaked Figure: Are you an acolyte of Garrigos?
Merle: Say yes. Say yes.
Taako: Yes...?
Merle: Yes.
Magnus: No, no!
Taako: No! I’m―
Magnus: Don’t ever listen to dad!
Taako: I’m but a humble cooking wizard whose ratings are bound to improve if people start dying on this show.
Merle: The Voidfish is gonna have its work cut out for it making everybody forget this shit.

Griffin: She says,

Cloaked Figure: My name is Marie. I’m a magus of the Order of Tempus, the war god? But see, like, my war god- let me explain some stuff.
Magnus: Okay.
Merle: [laughs]
Marie: Tempus is a war god of honorable battle, and Garrigos is an old, long forgotten god who is the patron of raiders and wanton violence―
Merle: Oh, that would be us.
Marie: ―and I received a missive that an ancient cell of the Cult of Garrigos survived and was operating out of Neverwinter and I tracked them to this place- to the Chaos Theatre.

Griffin: And she takes a dart and throws it at one of those banners that had been hanging from the walls and you actually see, I think, Merle, you’d recognize it-- actually, make a religion roll for me. Merle, maybe-- yours is more of an earthy religion? I don’t know if you―

Clint: Sure!

Griffin: ―how well read you are.

Travis: The d20.

Clint: Twelve plus religion, four-

Griffin: Okay, yeah that’s enough.

Clint: 16!

Griffin: You see the sigil that is hidden underneath this banner, it is five arms that are sort of folded in a circle and they’re all holding scimitars, and that is the sigil of Garrigos and you realize that this is―

Clint: Carey are you writing this down?

Griffin: For the fanart later?

Clint: Write this down, Carey―

Griffin: You can’t ask people―

Clint: ―cause that’ll be awesome. [audience member whoo-ing]

Griffin: This place, this old building is actually an old temple of Garrigos that has been―

Magnus: Who planned this shit? [beat] [gasps] Oh, it’s humanman!

Griffin: And there is- after this one act of, let’s call it what it is: wanton violence, as this poison cloud descends upon the ring, Marie explains that,

Marie: This match, the Supreme Champion Finals, this represents a ritual of revival that is supposed to bring back the avatar of Garrigos from the realm of banishment, where a wanton marauder would slay the four champions of the land. Sound familiar? Yeah, I think we’re in some real bad stuff. I don’t know why my voice got so much deeper all of the sudden.

Clint: (in a deep voice) Yeahhh.

Travis: I’m Jess now!

Marie: I took out Brock Thickstone because he was involved and I was trying to figure out who was here and it got really confusing who else was a co-conspirator, but uh, fast forwarding through a lot of plot because this fight took much longer than Griffin thought it would.

[audience laughter]

Clint: (makes really bad fast-forwarding sounds)

Travis: Oh no, he’s had a stroke!

Griffin: Let’s fast forward to the end of the fight. So there is a―

Clint: We win!

Travis: The end.

Griffin: No no, you have not won. There is a tremor after this cloud came down and it’s been kind of steady as she explained her situation and the ritual of resurrection just happens. It’s not a lengthy process, all of a sudden-- you don’t even see them appear, it’s like they’ve been there for an eternity but in a different plane. There are five humongous, blood-red arms with these massive hands- these massive, clawed hands- all reaching upward and kind of slamming the ground. They’re all popping out from different points of the ring, on the outsides of the ring. And they’re trying to pull a body out of the depths.

And the crowd has scattered, one of the pillars actually falls inward to the crowd, which is mostly evacuated at this point, but it lands. And when it lands you actually see a few chairs away from it, you see Angus, who’s like holding a big pretzel―

Clint: Oh please-

Travis: I don’t―

Clint: Oh, pleeease.

Travis: I want you to know, Magnus is not even hesitating- takes off to grabs Angus.

Clint: No. Noo.

Griffin: That’s good. So this pillar falls and he’s just holding a big pretzel―

Travis: I spring off of the ropes to grab him.

Griffin: And he’s wearing a Jeff Angel t-shirt. [audience makes scandalized groaning]

Travis: I still grab him but I rip the t-shirt as I do, and I whisper in his ear,

Magnus: Fuck your t-shirt.

Griffin: So you’ve just torn the clothes off this small boy!?!

Justin: A great look. At any time.

Griffin: And the crowd has scattered except for one figure who is sitting in a big comfy-looking chair behind the announcer’s table. You see Merrick, the CEO of Battlefest who draws a small dagger from a hidden sheath and he drags it across his stomach. [audience groaning]

Griffin: But he’s not cutting his belly open! He’s just cutting open his robe and a giant, dark orb emerges from it. [audience laughter]

Griffin: And the orb is glowing a bright red with a swirling crimson cloud suspended within and he’s laughing with malice, but also with kind of, like, relief, because his plan just came together?

Travis: You know.

Clint: Like you do.

Travis: We’ve all been there.

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: When your plan comes together and you just sit there and go [laughs]

Griffin: Jess, who is still standing, grabs Sabine and grabs Jeff Angel and like, drags them up the ramp and is like,

Jess: You guys got this!

Griffin: Death Man just like, runs away.

Justin: NICE.

Griffin: So it’s just you, in the ring-- this will complicate things-- with a still-very-angry Klarg, and Merrick off to the side holding this orb. Magnus, actually, you’re in the stands with Angus just sort of running around, and we’ll get back into it. I guess we’ll start with top of order.

Justin: Well, I did something while that was― I want to do- take an action while that happens, I didn’t want to interrupt you.

Griffin: In fact I think actually, we’re running so late on time, let’s just drop initiative and just like, if you want to do something in this scene let’s just fucking do it.

Justin: Okay. [audience cheering]

Justin: The first thing I’m going to do is reach into my cloak and pull from my cloak a small, exquisite chest. And then I pick up that chest and I throw it to the ground-- a chest also exquisite, but larger, emerges from another dimension―

Clint: Is this like those russian dolls?

Travis: A matryoshka.

Justin: ―pops open and everyone’s weapon’s in it.

Taako: Come eat. Everybody come get some, come get a taste!

Griffin: Okay you are re-armed. Merle, I think you reach into the chest and just fling the ax at Magnus to catch it―

Travis: While he’s doing that I throw Angus into the ring. [audience laughter]

Clint: And the ax hits him!!

Travis: I’m getting him out of harm's way!

Clint: The ax cuts him in half!

Travis: ‘s fine. [audience whooping]

Griffin: It’s beautiful.

Clint: It’s like 4.99 on Amazon. That was it.

Griffin: Taako, one of the giant hands reaches down and slaps you for 8 points of damage.

Justin: Okay. I cast- is it my- I cast Bigby’s Hand.

Griffin: You did kind of just go.

Justin: Well I know, but you just said―

Travis: No, you want this to happen.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: You did say- he slaps me and I create a large hand of shimmering, translucent force in an unoccupied space. My hand is an object, that has AC 20 and hit points equal to my hit point maximum and it has its strength of 26, +8, and dexterity of 10, and I smack that fucker right back. [audience cheering]

Clint: Come onnn. Say it! Say it!

Justin: No.

Clint: Say it, pleaseee.

Justin: No!

Clint: Please, say it for daddy.

Travis: Let him say it.

Taako: Abracafuck you!

Clint: Yeaaahhhh!!!!! [loud cheers from audience]

Griffin: I think you don’t even roll. I think you just fucking, astrally high five this thing so hard, this arm just explodes and you hear from below you, you hear a really angry, deep voiced scream.

Justin: Okay, good.

Griffin: You guys want to do anything?

Travis: Yeah I do. I’m gonna start charging up these stands towards Merrick to two-handed attack him.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And I want to do it as like, a jumping attack, y’know what I mean?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: Great. I just do it?

Griffin: Yeah, roll d20.

Travis: Oh, okay. [beat] I’ll take that, that’s- because I have Railsplitter back, plus nine, is 21?

Griffin: Yeah that’s definitely good enough.

Justin: Super quick, just sidenote, I just have one hitpoint left so if anything happens to- let’s keep an eye on cha’ boy, okay?

Travis: And I do―

Clint: Was that directed at me?

Justin: Just everybody—

Travis: And I do eleven points of damage.

Justin: Generally speaking, I have one hitpoint.

Griffin: What’d you do?

Travis: Eleven points of damage.

Griffin: Okay, that does not kill Merrick but it is enough to send the orb flying up and into the air and it looks like it’s about to fall and it just kind of bounces as it lands- like it doesn’t shatter- and it bounces really really high up and a spectral hand appears and grabs it out of the air.

Travis: I hit it with my ladder for the second attack of my action. [audience whoops]

Griffin: Okay. What are you hitting?

Travis: The orb.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: What would that be a check of? Just a ladder attack? [laughs]

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: That would end up being a 15.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s fine. You see Merrick reach out and you see this red Mage Hand reach out to try to grab the orb as it flies away from him and you just kind of smack it away from him and it’s flying far away and then you see a blue Mage Hand appear and grab it out of the air and suck it back to the ring and Angus is holding it―


Griffin: And he’s holding his wand out.


[audience cheering & clapping]

Griffin: He says,


Griffin: And he’s like, running around the ring as these four―

Magnus: Angus! Keep away!
Angus: What does that mean??
Magnus: Just like we do with you with your books.

Griffin: Okay, Merle, Merle make a- he throws the ball at you, make a dexterity throw.

Clint: A dexterity, okay.

Travis: Doing great.

Justin: Roll a d20.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Don’t break the mo.

Clint: It’s uhhhhhhhh―

Travis: Eleven?

Clint: ―hhhhheleveeeeeeen

Justin: Eleven.

Clint: And- no, I have a zero modifier.

Travis: Yeah, eleven.

Justin: Zero, it’s eleven.

Griffin: Yeah that’s good- it’s kind of clumsy but you manage to catch it with one hand and all of a sudden these four hands are now slapping towards you as you hold this orb, what do you do?

Clint: Oh, well.

Justin: Give it to―

Clint: You have one- shouldn’t I, shouldn’t I heal him? [audience ‘YEAHHH’-ing]

Travis: Why start now?

Justin: Can he toss it as a free action?

Griffin: Yeah, I think so.

Taako: Toss it to the guy with the fork.


[audience cheering]

Clint: Ohhhhhhh.

Travis: Now...

Griffin: Hold on. No no no no. This orb is so big, there is absolutely no way I’m going to let this happen.

Justin: That’s what I thought when he took the Blazin’ Challenge at BW Three’s but he still did it.

Griffin: No.

Travis: That’s a true story that I’ll tell you all about later.

Griffin: Merle what are you doing?

Justin: I look at him, and I, as a free action say,

Taako: I can’t die. Literally, I can’t die! Don’t worry about me, I live longer than this!

Griffin: The magus woman says,

Marie: Throw it to me, throw it to me, trust me.

Clint: I toss it to Marie.

Griffin: She catches it and she holds it in her hand for a second―

Magnus: And then she eats it.

Griffin: And she says,

Taako: You should have eaten this stuff! This is delicious! You guys fucked up.

Griffin: She says,

Marie: Magnus, I uh.. I really like your costume it looks really cool, and I like your character and I think it’s really well-developed out.

Griffin: And as she says that the orb starts to glow a little bit less and the hands kind of recoil in pain,

Magnus: Oh, I see.

Griffin: and then she tosses it to Taako.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: She says,

Marie: You don’t understand! Wanton violence and destruction is what summons Garrigos, the only thing that can put him back in the realm of banishment is the opposite of that.
Merle: We can do violence!
Taako: No, I can do this! [beat] All the spells I cast tonight worked super good and they were really dope and it was awesome!

Griffin: Nothing happens.

Justin: Nothing happens. [audience laughter & clapping]

Magnus: Toss me the orb―
Taako: Angus! That was fucking great.

Griffin: He says,

Angus: Thank you sir. It’s nice to- it’s nice to get positive reinforcement from you for literally the first time ever in my life.
Taako: Don’t get used to it.

Griffin: And as you say that the hands ceasing the, sensing the huge―

Justin: What a sacrifice it was?? [cracking up]

Griffin: ―what a huge sacrifice that was, the hands actually recoil a lot and the ball is now glowing half as bright as it was before.

Magnus: Pass me the rock!

Griffin: Actually, Taako... Oh that’s only a 9. You’re probably good. Okay, yeah, one swings at you and you just kind of jump out the way.

Justin: I do have to pee so if I need to die, it’s fine.

Griffin: Pass that rock, actually, we’re almost―

Clint: Do I- Can I heal his ass?

Justin: It’s a waste of energy, I don’t die! Like cause we live- okay, so we’re doing a story right now, and it takes place after this story and I’m in it, so like... I can’t die.

Clint: You died like seven times in the last month.

Griffin: Marie yells,

Marie: Pass the rock! Pass the rock! Pass the rock!

Justin: Okay, I pass it to Magnus.

Travis: Alright. Do I just catch it?

Griffin: Yeah, you got it.

Travis: Okay.

Magnus: It’s been a pleasure fighting with you, Klarg. You are a worthy opponent.

Griffin: He is like furious right now when you say that to him? He's like,

Klarg: Yeah, I know. I'm huge and big you've almost killed me like six times just doing things you want me to do.
Magnus: But I also know that you have a good heart.
Klarg: I don't. I promise, I'm a big- I'm a bit-
Merle: Ohh, I see what we're doing.

Griffin: He stands up, he gets rigid again he goes,

Klarg: Thank you, Magnus. I really wanted to hear that.

Travis: I throw him the rock.

Griffin: He grabs the rock and he says―

Taako: What do you think about me?
Klarg: Since the day the three of you came into my lives
Merle: (starts humming-singing)
Klarg: I have been enriched in a way that I- AAHHHH
Taako: Fuck!

Griffin: And he stands up rigid again and he goes, (laughs) I think he just goes to attack Taako, actually, while holding this rock.

Clint: Wait a- I haven’t healed him yet!

Griffin: 11? Versus AC.

Justin: I got 13. [audience cheers]

Griffin: Alright, but he is still holding this orb. And these hands look like they’re maybe regenerating a little bit. What do you do to get the orb away from him?

Justin: Dad, cast something.

Clint: Okay. I cast.. Zone of Tr... [audience cheering]

Griffin: No, I love it!

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: I love it, I love it, I love it.

Travis: No no no. Clinton.

Griffin: No, do it! Do that shit!

Clint: I cast Zone of Truth! [cheers and applause]

Griffin: You cast Zone of Truth and Klarg still in like rage mode is just like,

Klarg: (takes a deep breath) I just love you guys so much! [applause, cheers] I’ve never had a friend before and I know that you’ve taken advantage of me a lot but I can also sense the good in you and I just want to say, I think you’re the best dudes I’ve ever met and do you want to go take a trip to Aspen with me?
Magnus: Actually that sounds great.
Klarg: My dad has a cabin in Fantasy Aspen and I think we’d have a really great weekend there together.

Clint: Your face is beet red right now.

Griffin: I know. I’ve been screaming for a while. As he's, as he's—

Clint: So what happens to the orb?

Griffin: The orb is just like dimming and dimming and the arms are just shrivelling up and receding back into the ground and I think as he just goes on and on, and actually it was sweet at first but then it gets a little bit uncomfortable? He goes on and on, and then finally: the hands just disappear in a puff of red smoke.

Justin: You saved the day!!

Clint: I saved the day!!! [audience cheering & clapping]

Audience member: We love you, Merle!!

Merle: God bless Zone of Truth! [beat] Pan bless Zone of Truth.

Griffin: Klarg is just standing there holding this orb and it turns to black smoke in his hands. And he’s just standing there and he’s like,

Klarg: I just don’t know what to do with you boys, I’ve- [applause]
Taako: (singing) Here you go again~♪ [Clint laughs]
Magnus: My man!
Klarg: Yeahhh.
Merle: Check this out―
Magnus: We met a whole family of bugbears down in Lucas what’s-his-face’s lab― they’re totally cool. We saved them. They’re fine. Do you want to go hang out with them?
Klarg: You telling me my family still wants me back after what―
Magnus: YES.
Taako: Hell yeah.
Merle: Yeahh.
Klarg: That’s amazing, thank you for tying up my storyline like this.

[audience cheering]

Travis: [laughing]

Griffin: And I think as the last of the red hands sort of disintegrate in the portals they were popping out of shut close and the black orb disappears. I think there’s like a shock wave of force that comes out from the ring that knocks up some popcorn and discarded signs in a whirlwind and a gigantic battle fest supreme champions Finals banner falls from the ceiling slowly like―

Travis: Like the last shot of Jurassic Park?

Griffin: Like Jurassic Park.

Clint: Like Jurassic Park. [roaring]

Griffin: And you hear a heavy metal clunk come from the stage- Oh. One of the hands grabs Merrick and drags him to hell as it goes back to―

Clint: Yeah. Yeah.

Travis: Merrick just excuses himself.

Griffin: You hear a heavy metal clunk in the middle of the ring and you see the title belt laying there.

Travis: I Put It On.

Griffin: Well, Jess actually comes up to the stage―

Travis: She left.

Griffin: And she says, uh,

Jess: Well, you boys never cease to amaze, that could have gone real south, real fast, thanks for the help. As for the title belt, a duo can compete in the Supreme Champion Finals but only one of them can take home the belt.

[audience “Ohh”-ing]

Travis: As she reaches for it I put my foot down.

Griffin: She actually says,

Jess: Yeah, why don’t we fight for it?

Griffin: And then I want to fucking like, Rocky II freeze frame like―

Travis: Yeah!!!!

Griffin: (sings) Bah baba bah. [audience cheering and clapping]

Griffin: That was the episode of the Adventure Zone.

Travis: Thank you!

Griffin: Thank you all so much.

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson begins to fade in]

Griffin: You’ve been like, fucking incredible! There’s posters outside, they’re so good, thank you Carey for the posters. You can get them out there and uh.. That’s it!

Travis: We love you!

Griffin: We love you! Thank you, bye!

Clint: I saved the day!!

[End of Episode]

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