Balance – Live Episode: Live in Nashville!/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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{2:34}

Announcer: Before presenting you with our tale of high adventure, I have a deadly important question for you, Nashville. Are you tres horny for this one? It’s The Adventure Zone!


[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[Audience cheers wildly]

Travis: And now it’s time to switch to my prescription glasses.

Justin: Always the most exciting, hard-core moment [indecipherable].

Travis: Rock star!

Griffin: [sheepish] Hey everybody.

[audience cheers]

Justin: Whew!

Griffin: Before we get going, is there any way we can get full house lights and- so we can see all the cosplay? Because we’ve only been following it through Twitter, and— [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, lights up. If you are doing cosplay, stand up!

[audience cheers]

Clint: God!

Griffin: It’s everybody. It’s everyone.

Travis: Holy shit!

Griffin: Holy shit.

Justin: So good. [Travis laughs wildly] Y’all are… off the chain.

[audience cheering]

Travis: Keep going!

Justin: So good.

Clint: Aww!

Justin: So good.

[audience cheers]

Clint: Ohhh!

Justin: There’s one person here dressed like Naruto [pronounced Nuh-roo-doh, all say it the same way], and like I get it, but could you not? It’s kind of our…[crosstalk] thing…

Griffin: [crosstalk] Please dress like Naruto! Don’t Naruto-shame them!

Justin: Also, is Naruto a character, or is… [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh no!

Griffin: [crosstalk] No one’s quite sure. Uh...

Travis: I also don’t know!

Justin: [crosstalk] I don’t know the answer.

Clint: [crosstalk] It’s a state of mind.

Griffin: You can turn the lights down now, I’m having a panic attack. And there they go, there they go, there they go… [crosstalk] and they don’t exist, it’s just the four of us!

Justin: [crosstalk] They’re gone, they’re gone. It’s just us four.

[audience laughs]

Justin: Who’s laughing? I don’t know.

Travis: Whew!

Justin: Uh, how do we…

Travis: Could you turn ‘em off on stage, too? [Justin & Griffin laugh] Just make it a super chill night?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh, y’all wanna-

Travis: [movie trailer voice] In the beginning…

Griffin: Y’all wanna just get, get, get going, get into it? It’s been about two months since we’ve played Dungeons and Dragons, so this should be interesting.

{5:16}

[audience cheers]

Clint: What’s my password on this? [his phone; audience laughs]

Griffin: Holy shiiiiiiiiiitt.

Travis: No! No! Don’t laugh for that! [crosstalk]

Clint: [crosstalk] Laugh at it!

Travis: He knows his password!

Clint: Listen, this is America, you can laugh at any shit [crosstalk] you wanna laugh at!

Travis: [crosstalk] No!

Griffin: Gettin’-

Travis: Also! Also no.

Griffin: Still no. Did you— did you s— solve the password puzzle over there? Are we good?

Clint: I solv— I’m good.

Griffin: Alright. Uh, let’s get going. Y’all ready?

Justin: I don’t have… the one with 20…

Griffin: Are you fucking kidding me?

Travis: You have two giant ones— [crosstalk]

Justin: The big ones! Ok, the big ones, yeah, thes- deez nuts right here. These- [crosstalk] are twenties.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Travis do you have a joke you wanna do [crosstalk] about being unprepared?

Travis: [crosstalk] No! I am prepared and a good good D&D boy!

Griffin: Good.

Justin: There are some though—

[audience cheers]

Justin: Legit, and this should add some fun tension, there are some I don’t have, and I don’t know exactly [crosstalk] off the top of my head.

Travis: [crosstalk] I got extries.

Justin: Ok.

Griffin: Trav’s got a bunch. Alright! Let’s do it.

Justin: Ok… [pause] D4, for example…

Griffin: Yeah. It’s a—

Travis: I got— Oh! Shit! I don’t have that.

Griffin: Holy shit!

Clint: I got a four! I got up a four! I got a four!

Justin: [crosstalk] I just found a D4!

Travis: [crosstalk] Ok, you’ve got a D4...

Clint: [crosstalk] The one with 20 sides...

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s mine! Wait that’s my D4!

Justin: Ok this is Travis’s D4, but we’re kinda sharing it.

Griffin: This is gonna be the whole episode.

Justin: Joint custody D4.

Travis: Before we walked out, Griffin said “no jokes about not knowing how to play the game, we have a lotta story to get to,” so I wanna clarify: none of this has been jokes.

Griffin: Good.

Travis: Not a joke in the b— in the—

Clint: Should we introduce ourselves?

Griffin: Sure, yeah. I— yeah, sure. Who has not listened to The Adventure Zone before?

[audience is almost silent, a few cheers]

Griffin: Alright, yeah...

Travis: I heard one lonely, [crosstalk] single—

Clint: [crosstalk] What the hell are you doing here?

Griffin: No, don’t— don’t Naruto-shame them. Justin, who are you playing today?

Justin: Uh, my name is Justin McElroy and I play the elven wizard Taako.

[audience cheers]

Travis: Uh, I am Travis McElroy and I play the human fighter Magnus Burnsides.

[audience cheers]

Clint: And I am Clint McElroy, and I play dwarven cleric Merle Highchurch.

[audience cheers]

Clint: And I have never gotten that right in a live [crosstalk] show.

Griffin: [crosstalk] You— I thought for sure you were gonna fuck it up. I’m Griffin McElroy, I play everybody else. That’s Paul—

[audience cheers]

Clint: Aww!

Travis: Dice!

Clint: Aww!

Griffin: Paul came out here with two dice bags—

Travis: Yeah, yeah!

Griffin: Oh, and a ‘great job’ pump. My hero, and yours, Paul. Let’s do the adventure!

Travis: Be careful! Because in there is an actual ring of mine from my baby’s birth. Please don’t lose that.

Justin: I don’t—

Travis: It’s not a joke!

Justin: Y’know, I’ll just make up a number then. Like, what are you doing? You can’t just put that kind of pressure on me. All right—

{7:51}

Griffin: THE THREE OF YOU! [audience laughs] Are we ready?

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah.

Griffin: [crosstalk] I see a lot of fiddlin’ and fartin’ around!

Justin: ‘Kay.

Griffin: I’m just gonna start talkin’. The three of you are sitting in stylish, high-backed chairs in front of… a blackjack table. Sitting—

[audience ‘oooh’s]

Griffin: ‘Oooooh’! Sitting across from you is a dealer, a half-ogre gentleman dressed to the nines with a bright red vest and a nametag on it that says “Crush.” [audience laughs] This scene is in the middle of an enormous casino pit, and all around you other folks are playing table games - craps, poker, roulette - while others sit at seemingly-endless rows of slot machines, dumping buckets of gold coins into them all night.

Clint: Baccarat? Is there Baccarat?

Griffin: There’s definitely...not Baccarat.

Travis: Is there Burt Bacharach?

Griffin: There is, yes. Fantasy Burt Bacharach. Uh, the three of you are also dressed to the nines. What are you wearing for this stylish casino atmosphere?

[audience cheers]

Travis: Sleeveless tuxedo.

[audience laughs]

Clint: Tuxedo sleeves.

[audience laughs]

Travis: We only had the money for the one!

[audience laughs]

Justin: Uh, I had to choose between formal, business-casual, and Taako, and I went ahead and went with Taako.

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: Also but I did get the Cloak of the Manta Ray, cuz I figured eventually—

Griffin: Show that off, by the way? Somebody just sent you the Cloak of the Manta Ray and it’s so fucking tight—

[audience cheers]

Griffin: It’s super good. Alright, so—

Travis: Now Dad, show off your swim trunks!

Griffin: Dad’s just wearing swim trunks with his costume.

[Griffin & audience laugh]

Justin: Swim trunks— swim trunks that he forgot, and made someone go back to the hotel to get for him, and we’re all like ‘oh these pants that we’re hearing about, these are gonna be [crosstalk] outta sight, like so fresh”...

Griffin: [crosstalk] So dope.

Justin: They are.

Clint: Beach. Dwarf.

Griffin: [overlapping] Yeah.

Travis: [overlapping] No, it tracks!

Justin: [overlapping] No no no, we get it, yeah yeah yeah—

Travis: It tracks! But I wasn’t expecting swim trunks. When they brought them in, I thought you would say ‘oh this is embarrassing, but you’re gonna have to go back’—

Clint: They’re actually board… trunks… Am I right?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: B-O-R-E-D, ‘cuz we’re talking about it too much!

Griffin: Yeah, instead of doin’ the podcast! So the three of you have been sittin’ at this blackjack table for a while, uh, how— how has your game been going? Any of you particularly—

Travis: Magnus bets wildly and poorly.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: He doubles-down on like, thirteen. Not a good call.

{10:16}

Griffin: Crush— Crush, sitting opposite you, the dealer, says

Crush: You boys havin’ a good time? Old Blue Eyes makes sure that everyone has a good time in his place.


Magnus: Are you— are you [high-pitched] Old Blue Eyes?


Griffin: He points to his nametag.

Crush: I’m Crush. I—


Taako: You can forgive us for assuming that you were trying to get some sort of name, nickname going, I mean—


Magnus: Yeah!


Crush: Old— Old Blue Eyes runs the joint. You’re coming here and you don’t know who Old Blue Eyes is?


Clint: Sinatra!

Crush: Who?


Travis: Oh-kay!

Justin: Cool. You did— you [Griffin] created that trap and you [Clint] did walk into it [crosstalk] so that was kind of a duo—

Clint: [crosstalk] Aww!

Griffin: While you’ve been playing, you’ve also been on edge, because you’re waiting for something to happen. The table you’re at [crosstalk] is-

Travis: [crosstalk] In our lives!

Griffin: The table you’re at is 20 feet from a guarded door into the casino back room where two half-ogre pit bosses are watching the room and your table in particular. And you hear them also exchange words about Old Blue Eyes. One of them says they heard he’s actually in the building tonight, which is apparently—

Travis: At what age do you think he becomes Old Blue Eyes? Cuz that’s gotta be hurtful, right, where it’s like “I’m Blue Eyes!”, and it’s like “Hey it’s Old Blue Eyes!”, “Ahh…”

Griffin: Uh, and the three of you have been exchanging these sort of furtive glances all evening, waiting for a signal for the next part of your plan to begin. And, it’s during one of those glances that you’re interrupted, Taako, as you feel a hand on your shoulder as someone moves to your side, and you hear a voice say,

Woman’s Voice: Is this seat taken?


[audience cheers]

Taako: Uh, no, no, Ma’am-Who-Is-A-Stranger-To-Me! By all means!


Griffin: And there, wearing a sharp, flashy, black ensemble and wide-brimmed hat… is your twin sister Lup.

[audience cheers]

Travis: I also wanna say, bold choice with the stranger thing, you do look—

Clint: Exactly alike.

Griffin: You are twins.

Clint: You’re twins.

Griffin: You see Lup, who nods at all three of you with a devious smile, and then we see all four of you as the camera pans out, showing the scope of this enormous gaming hall, and then it zooms out even further to show us the exterior of this opulent casino, and a steady crowd is pouring in as flood lights shine into the sky over [{12:37} “Doing Some Crime” starts] a bright neon sign showcasing the name of this establishment:

“The Grand Grimaldis Casino”

[audience erupts, music continues]

Clint: Played by Al Pacino!

Griffin: No.

Justin: No.

Griffin: We’re in a flashback to several nights ago. The three of you are sitting at a round table where crudely-drawn blueprints of the casino are rolled out. And as you’re surveying the designs, four belts equipped with some sort of mechanical device thunk down on the table and Lup joins you. Can you turn down the pump-up music a little bit? It’s a little assertive.

Lup says,

Lup: I’ve brought you here today because I’ve got some unfinished business back in our home world that needs taken care of.


[audience cheers]

Lup: When I was younger, before I discovered how rad explosion magic can be, I used to dabble in Transmutation magic, and during that period, I created something powerful. An artifact that could self-replicate, giving its owner an endless hoard of cash over time. A magically-imbued fifteen-dollar bill.


[audience cheers]

Lup: It was taken from me by Greg-fuckin’-Grimaldis just— just before our exit from that world. I aim to get it back. Now, he’s used that seed money to become an infinitely wealthy warlord in our homeworld, and the base of his operation is this: The Grand Grimaldis Casino. I need the three of you to help me infiltrate that casino and retrieve and destroy the fifteen-dollar bills. So, anyone up for a proper casino heist?


Magnus: Yay!


Merle: Yeah!


[audience cheers]

Travis: Uh, I’m going to have to look to my moral guide, Merle Highchurch—

Magnus: If we commit a crime, in a different plane, does it count?


Merle: M-maybe? It depends, does—


Justin: Stop.

Merle: Does Greg—


Justin: No, stop. Are you saying this to him as Clinton McElroy, my father, or are you saying this to him as Merle Highchurch, popular fantasy cleric?

Clint: Oh, God.

Justin: These people paid a lot of fuckin’ money, and they didn’t come here to hear you, be you, when you’re you— not you.

Clint: Please, forgive me, paying public.

Merle: I say Grimaldis is a prick.


[audience laughs]

Griffin: Lup goes on and says,

Lup: Since we took down The Hunger, the barrier between realities has become impermeable, but with these belts, we’ll be able to enter that reality for as long as they remain charged, which should give us a narrow eighty-minute window to get in, and get the artifact.


Travis: [laughs] About live-show length!

Lup: It is imperative that we don’t get caught, or we’ll lose precious time in the process. Now, the first challenge is gonna be—


Magnus: Oh shit, a stealth mission! [unsure sounds]


Taako: You’ve come to the right people!


Lup: Most— most heists are…


Travis: Oh wait! This is post-rogue training!

Griffin: Yeah you’re good. Uh,

Lup: Now the first challenge is gonna be breaking into the back rooms of the casino from the gaming pit. The three of you will sit here, at this blackjack table closest to the door to these back rooms. I’ll do a couple laps around the pit to make sure there’s no surprises waiting for us there, then join you for our assault. Now, that door is likely to be heavily guarded, so, before we’ll be able to make our way into the employee-only area, we’ll probably have to create a distraction.


Magnus: Done!


Lup: Following that, the four of us will slip inside unnoticed. Any questions?


[beat of total silence]

Lup: Cool!


[audience laughs]

Griffin: Uh, and I guess we’ve flashed forward back to the present. Lup winks and it’s time for the heist to begin, but like she said, before you can move into the back rooms, you need to create a distraction. What do you dooo, herooooooeeeessssssss?

Travis: I stand up— or [mumbling] Magnus stands up, I’m not Magnus— and points at Crush and goes,

Magnus: He’s bottom dealing!


Justin: Ooh, good.

Griffin: Ooh, that is good. Roll a Deception check, cause you’re—

Travis: [crosstalk] Well that ain’t good.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: That’s a seven plus one, an eight.

Griffin: No.

[audience laughs]

Travis: Just kidding!

Griffin: One of the two pit bosses comes over from the door that you’re supposed to get through, and walks over and says

Pit Boss: Crush, what seems to be the problem here?


Griffin: And Crush says

Crush: Well… Slam, I—


[audience laughs]

Crush: This guy’s causing a big stink, I don’t know why, [begins to sob] I’m doin’ my best. I’m doin’ my best.


Travis: I’m— I’m gonna try a second tactic here.

Magnus: [super drunkenly] I-I charge this— he’s now— he’s bottom dealing! Hiccup! Hiccup!


Crush: He suddenly got super fake-drunk all of a—


Magnus: [sounds of protestation] I’m totally drunk!


Griffin: I guess make another Deception check.

Travis: That’s an eighteen plus one, nineteen.

[audience cheers]

Travis: I throw up on myself to make it a little more convincing.

Griffin: Yeah, I think with a nineteen, you fake-drunk so good you just barf. What’s the game plan here, Travis McElroy?

Travis: Well, my hope is that my two friends will try to drag me away cause I’m clearly drunk, and I can create a ruckus.

Griffin: Alright we’re gonna flashback again, and you are relaying that to those two.

Magnus: Yeah, I’m gonna fake-drunk—


Griffin: Lup says,

Lup: I don’t think this is gonna work.


Magnus: No, I’ll create a big hubbub by being like fake-drunk and then you guys come and get me all—


Merle: Yeah but if we help you off, there’s nobody left to take advantage of—


Magnus: I’ll flip the table so that they have to like, clean it up. And there’s gonna be chips everywhere and money everywhere.


Taako: I— I do want to say I’m so glad you decided to, uh, throw yourself a UCB Harold show when I can set things on fire with my mind. This is literally the path of least resistance, this fuckin’ Second City skit you’ve-


Griffin: [crosstalk] I think— I think we’ve, uh—

Taako: [crosstalk] -you’ve written.


Griffin: I think we are flashed forward back to the— back to the heist, and uh, Taako, seeing sort of the clumsy attempt that Magnus has—

Travis: [indignant] Clumsy? I rolled it and I got a nineteen!

Griffin: You did alright. Uh, Taako. What are you— what do you do to create a distraction?

Justin: Uh, I, uh— [laughs] I literally have a spell called Programmed Illusion that I set just for this, when this—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay.

Justin: When this failed, uh, it is—

Travis: [insistent] Nineteen!

Justin: Sorry?

Travis: [indignant] Nineteen, I rolled a nineteen and it failed!

[audience laughs]

Clint: That was to puke on yourself, and you—

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, and I puked real good!

Clint: You did it—

Travis: I puked super good!

Clint: You did it, didn’t he, guys? Didn’t he puke like a big boy?

[audience cheers]

Travis: I puked sooo good, like, it did, like, spirals!

Griffin: What is your programmed illusion?

Justin: It’s uh, their boss…

Griffin: Old Blue Eyes?

Justin: Old Blue Eyes, and he says,

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: I’m very convinced by this puking!


Justin: And they— that’s what he says.

Griffin: [laughing, incredulous] Does he just appear?

Justin: [crosstalk] No!

Clint: [mimicking Illusory Old Blue Eyes] I just had new felt put on these tables!

Justin: He comes out of a co— he comes out of the crowd, and he’s like— cause they were watching the puking—

Griffin: Okay, okay, okay, yeah that works.

Justin: And he like comes out of the crowd, he’s like

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: I’m very convinced by this puking!


Griffin: Alright, this uh, this illusory… dude… with bright blue eyes and jet-black hair, uh, walks through the crowd and says:

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: Yeah let’s uh, let’s—


Griffin: Wait, what does he sound like? I don’t know, cause I wasn’t expecting him this early.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: He says, uh,

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: Oh man, we can’t have a guy like this in the— in the crowd with yartz all over him, what uh… let’s take care of this, huh?


Griffin: Actually, you should talk for your illusory dude you made, probably not me.

Justin: Yeah, but I don’t know what he sounds like.

Griffin: I think I like that! I think then— you don’t know what he sounds like!

[audience laughs]

Justin: Okay, that’s going to be confusing for you folks out there, but let’s give it a shot.

Clint: Character voice!

[audience cheers]

Justin: What are you talk— [to the audience] no, don’t, no, no, no, no, no, no. When he goes astray, it’s not your job to reinforce that. Your job is to be there when he falls and help pick him back up and—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Alright.

Justin: —sometimes that’s accomplished through silence. Um, no I wasn’t doing a character voice, I was just trying to be Justin McElroy, and I think that, uh… I, I mean it’s like… [snorts]

[audience laughs]

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: [stereotypical Italian mobster from Brooklyn accent] Ay, I’m r-really convinced by ah, this guy’s pukin’, ah… over here…


[audience cheers]

Griffin: Roll a, roll a Deception check.

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: Booshk!


Griffin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, roll a Deception check with one of the big ones.

Justin: That’s a natural twenty.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s flat—

Clint: [crosstalk] God! Did it light up?

Travis: Every— everyone in the building goes—

Clint: Did it light up?

Travis: It did.

Justin: Yeah, it’s flashing, it’s flashing, as you can attest.

Clint: [cackles]

Griffin: Uh, alright, I— I think Crush says,

Crush: Boss, you sound sick, but it’s definitely you.


Justin: Haha!

Griffin: I think with a twenty, you actually—

Travis: Does it just keep flashing?

Griffin: I think with a twenty, you just changed what Greg Grimaldis’s actual voice sounds like.

Justin: Okay, good. S’about right.

Griffin: Uh, okay, they have bought into it, and now you have this illusory Greg Grimaldis that everybody’s kind of paying deference to. What’s the next step in this wild plan you’ve concocted?

Justin: Where are we trying to get to?

Griffin: Uh, this door that these two, uh, half-ogres are— were guarding, one of them peeled off to investigate the loud—

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: Hey, listen! I don’t pay you guys to not get mops when people throw up! Go get the mops!


Griffin: Uh, alright, Crush, Slam, and the third half-ogre [crosstalk], who are all—

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: Hey and listen, Bump, get the real nice mops that we keep farther away.


[Griffin and the audience laugh]

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: The real choice mops—


Travis: [crosstalk] The special occasion mops!

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: The real nice, choice mops!


Travis: [crosstalk] The holiday mops!

Illusory Old Blue Eyes: The company mops, y’know?


Griffin: Lup says—

Travis: [crosstalk] For when whales puke!

Griffin: Lup says,

Lup: I can’t wait to see these excellent mops!


Griffin: Oh that’s right.

Merle: Listen. I’ve gotta get him to a place where he can lay down, so that if he pukes, he chokes.


Crush???: You’re a st—


Justin: [crosstalk] They’re gone.

Crush???: You’re a stranger here [Griffin laughing], all right, this isn’t your house, it’s a—


Merle: I’m a trained professional.


Crush???: [relenting] Okaay.


Griffin: Uh, alright, I think the half-ogres are pulled away and you are— the four of you are here with this illusory dude—

Travis: We do— we do that, we go through the— we go through the door.

Griffin: Okay! The— the four of you walk through this back door. What happens with your— I think your illusory Greg Grimaldis— I’m going to— it just evaporates because otherwise this heist is gonna be very, very easy.

Justin: Yeah, he died, it was a short-term kinda thing.

Griffin: Alright, the four of you make it through the door into the back rooms and, uh, the door shuts behind you. And I think as— as, uh, as you do, you hear this, like, sparking sound? And you turn around to see Lup, and she has her finger out, and it’s almost like she’s trying to light a uh, uh, what are those things that people—

Travis: Acetylene torch?

Griffin: Uh yeah, torch, but with her finger? And she, like, fuses the lock shut so nobody else can follow you in.

Travis: Magnus rips his, uh, vomit-y tuxedo off. Now he’s just shirtlesssss.

[audience cheers]

Travis: And there’s lots of beautiful scars.

Griffin: Sssuuurrreee?

Travis: And a Loch Ness Monster tattoo, very similar to the one I have.

Griffin: Uh, we’re back in the flashback to a few nights ago, and Lup, uh, directs your attention to the blueprints, which show the back rooms behind the gaming pit, your second destination for the heist, and she says,

Lup: Once we make it past the pit, we’ll need to work our way past the security station in the back hallways, and toward the vault in the center of the casino. Now, hopefully, at this point we won’t have the whole place on top of us, which should make it easy to slip past the security station’s, uh, large glass window looking into that hallway, and towards the vault entrance around the corner. So long as we stay out of their sightlines, we should be in the clear.


Griffin: And we are back in the present, and sure enough the four of you are standing in a, uh, a long hallway extending 40 feet in front of you before it reaches a corner that veers off to the right. And on the left side of this hallway, there’s an entrance into the casino’s main security office, and just past that door is a 15-foot-long, floor-to-ceiling glass divider leading into that office. And inside you can hear several deep voices trying to communicate with security forces at various points in the casino, you hear several, uh, heated discussions with the crew in the pit who are dealing with the, the mess you left behind. By the way, I put that in the notes, knowing that there would some sort of literal mess.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: In order to proceed down this hallway, you need to get past that window without being detected. What do you do?

Clint: I cast Insect Plague.

Griffin: Fuck.

Justin: Fuck, that’s so s—

Travis: No, that’s the opposite!

Griffin: No no no no no!

Justin: No. I cast Silence.

Griffin: No no no no no. [crosstalk] You do not.

Travis: [crosstalk] I cast ‘Punch Dad’.

Griffin: Order of operations. Dad’s pulling a Fargo and I wanna see how it goes. You cast an Insect Plague—

Clint: Insect Plague.

Griffin: [singsong] Wherrrrrrrrrrrree?

Clint: Over the windowwwww…

Griffin: What the fuck?

[audience laughs]

Travis: ‘Eyy, it’s another one of those Insect Plagues’ [crosstalk]

Justin: ‘Ah, god dammit!’

Travis: ‘So normal at this point, I don’t even have to go check it!’

Clint: They’re not gonna come in! They’ll stay in the—

Griffin: They’ll come outside! It’s a—

Clint: Why!? It’s insects, it’s a plague, who would wanna walk into that willingly? [Justin laughs] ‘Ooooooh, insects! Let’s stay in here until they go away!’

Travis: Once again, I do wanna point out, I was like ‘oh, I’ll create a distraction’ and Dad’s like ‘I’ll create a thing!’ when we have an illusion wizard.

Griffin: No, we gotta spread the fun arouuuund.

Justin: Yeah. I wa—

Clint: What do I roll? A twenty?

Justin: I, actually, while this was happening, like, turned invisible— let me mark down my spell sheet— and walked to the other end of the hall. And I’m just kinda, like, enjoying—

Griffin: And Lup’s— Lup’s already over there, she, like—

Travis: I’m also gonna roll a Stealth check ‘cuz I have, lemme check, plus 11.

Justin: We’re seeing if there’s any rare Pokémon here— [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] So, I mean, it’s a 15. It’s a 4 but I have a plus 11.

Griffin: Yeah, Magnus makes himself small and just rolls along along the length of the window, and leaving Merle, uh, and you [crosstalk] and bugs—

Clint: [crosstalk] Okay!

Justin: [overlapping] Just start channelling bugs at the window!

Travis: [overlapping] Like the fucking, like, Mummy!

Clint: [overlapping] Bugs! Are all f— covering the window...

Justin: Can they come out of his mouth? I’m sure they did.

[Justin & Travis mimic spewing bugs, a la the Hom-Dai in ‘The Mummy’]

Clint: So do I roll? [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] Sneaky!

Travis: Brendan Fraser looks on from the glass window, terrified.

Clint: So I roll a 20, right?

[a small tap sound as Clint attempts to drop a D20 in his dice tower]

Clint: Doesn’t fit!

Griffin: [laughing] [overlapping] It got stuck in the dice tower!

Justin: [overlapping] It’s stuck in his dice tower.

Griffin: Your big dice got stuck in the tower!

Travis: Also, thanks to whoever made these, didn’t look the name up, we’ll know it after intermission.

Griffin: Sorry about that! It got stuck in the tower, though, that’s fantastic.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Okay, so, how ‘bout if enough— [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] If— what is it? What’s the dice?

Clint: Seven.

Griffin: Je-sus!

Clint: Okay. And I add that to my modifier.

Justin: Okay. And what’s that, off the top of your head?

Clint: [whispered] Shit… eight! My modifier is eight! So it’s fifteen.

Justin: People who know more about D&D, does that sound like a thing? Eight?

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: S’that sound tasty to you? Five? [crosstalk]

Clint: [crosstalk] So—

Justin: Five feels, like, righter to me?

Clint: And the insects only cover the bottom third of the window, and since I’m short, I just walk riight oon paast…

Travis: Wait, hold on.

Clint: Yeah!

Travis: You don’t get to dictate how it goes.

Clint: I cast it!

Griffin: Alright, I’m gonna roll a Constitution saving throw for all the guards in this room real quick. I’m trying to make this happen. [dice rolls] That’s a four, plus…[exhales] fuck off! There’s no— I had no number prepared for this. Uh, that is— I’m gonna say that’s insufficient. What I think happens is, uh, bugs are covering this window, and while they cover the window, you sprint past. But you hear voices inside go,

Guards: What the fuuuuuck?


And start to come outside. Uh, and as they do, they are swarmed by bugs, and say,

Guards: Oh noooo!


And shut the door, and start talking into their, uh, their radios to the other guards throughout the casino, and pretty soon you hear pounding at the door that Lup just fused shut.

Travis: We out! We out the door! We’re down! Elevator, whatever’s there, [crosstalk] we’re doing it.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Uh, it wor— it worked?

[audience cheers]

Griffin: There’s a certain level of awareness now, uh, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we… get to it - right now. As you reach the end of the hallway and turn the corner, uh, Magnus, you bump into someone. A small man in his early 20s with bushy red hair, dressed in the security uniform you’ve seen several other members of the casino staff wearing to this point, and he looks aghast as you run into him—

Travis: I begin to punch him!

Griffin: He leans— [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] but I don’t...complete it?

Griffin: He leans back— oh, before you punch him, he says— come on, uh—

Travis: [rising in pitch] I know that’s why I said ‘begin to punch him’ because I knew you were up to something?

Griffin: He says,

Red-Haired Man: [kinda dweeby voice] Hey, wait a minute, you’re not supposed to be back here!


[audience cheers]

Griffin: This isn’t anybody.

[audience laughs]

Red-Haired Man: I don’t think Old Blue Eyes wants you to be back here, right? Wait a minute! [pause] Are the three of you in the middle of a heist? That is so cool!


Travis: Awesome.

Justin: Hey, yeah, good.

Red-Haired Man: My name’s Terry, I, uh, I work here. What’s y’all’s names?


[pause]

Magnus: [unsure] ...Magnus Burnsides.


[audience laughs]

Magnus: I’m rollin’ some bones on ya, Terry!


Terry: Are you the one that made all the bugs come out? I heard about the bugs!


Magnus: No! [crosstalk] No, no no no.


Merle: [crosstalk] That was me! George Cl- Cloovey.


Magnus: I— listen guys, I think Terry’s cool.


Taako: Terry, my name is Angus McDonald. You can write that down… in your notes.


Griffin: And if the police show up later—

Taako: Later, tell ‘em it was me, the… Thievery Kid.


[Griffin & Clint laugh]

{30:31}

Griffin: He says,

Terry: Well my name’s Terry, uh, Angus and Magnus—


Taako: With a P? Silent P at the beginning or no? Just regular—


Magnus: Like pterodactyl!


Griffin: Puh-Terry!

Justin: Puh-Terry.

Magnus: Like the character from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.


Terry: I see. No, it’s just—


Magnus: Fantasy Pee-Wee’s Playhouse!


Terry: Just big-T Terry!


Magnus: Alright Big-T Terry, you seem cool. Are you cool?


Terry: I’m super cool! I— I work here but it sucks, it’s a shit job! Old Blue Eyes doesn’t pay us very well, my benefits are just straight garbo.


Magnus: Yeah…


Terry: If y’all are doing a heist, lemme get up in this heist! I can help get ya into the vault, and then maybe can split the—


Magnus: Could you— could you pretend to have a different voice if you’re gonna stay with us for an extended period of time?


Griffin: He says,

Terry: Why don’t I help get y’all into the vault and then we can split the loot [crosstalk] five ways.


Magnus: [crosstalk] Yeah but maybe just drop it an octave or two.


Justin: Um—

Terry: [still dweeby, pitched lower] I can help!


Clint: Nah, that’s worse.

Justin: Can I do— can I do, and I don’t know, D&D doesn’t have, like, good things for this, but um, can I do, like, an intelligence check to get a vibe [crosstalk] on Terry?

Travis: [crosstalk] Insight.

Griffin: It’s Insight, it has a literal one for this. Don’t shit on D&D, it has a literal—

Travis: IT’S A ONE.

Justin: That’s a one. I don’t get shit off of that, I dunno.

Griffin: Terry’s— Terry’s— Ter— Well, well a one...Terry is…

Travis: Terry’s Terry!

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s just Terry.

Travis: [crosstalk] He’s an inscrutable—

Justin: [crosstalk] And even that is, like somewhat unclear.

Travis: [crosstalk] He’s an inscrutable cloud, man!

Griffin: He says,

Terry: [original dweeby voice] I can get ya into the, into the, the vault. We’ll just split the loot five ways. What do ya say?


Travis: I rolled a 19 Insight on Terry.

Griffin: Yeah, Terry wants to get you up in that vault.

Travis: Alright.

Merle: You know what? We can definitely [suspiciously] split the loot five waaayyys…


Magnus: You know what, Merle? We don’t have to say it [imitates Merle’s tone] liiike thaaaaat.


Merle: [imitating Magnus] Well we- I- diiiiiid…


Magnus: Ignore him, he’s-


Merle: I diiiiid!


Justin: Thank you.

Magnus: But yes. Yes, Terry, you’re in. You’re our— [crosstalk]


Taako: [crosstalk] Welcome to the squad!


Magnus: Fifth.


Taako: Taako’s Five!


[Griffin and audience laugh]

Griffin: Terry leads, uh, the four of you around, uh, the corner at the end of the hallway, and you see a large, round door leading into the vault. Uh, at the end of that hallway, uh, and flanking that large door, are two panels, one with a loudspeaker and another one with a card slot. Uh, and on the right side of this hallway is a row of, like, twenty lockers, or so? Each one emblazoned with the names of members of, uh, various security personnel. You see “Crush”— [crosstalk], and “Slam”, and “Cram”—

Travis: [crosstalk] We did this, I’m pretty sure, in the mining thing…

Griffin: Oh shit, we did do this in the mining one. This is— different twenty lockers.

[audience laughs at Griffin realizing he goofed his own puzzle]

Griffin: Upon further inspection, the two panels flanking the door seem to be some sort of lock, uh, on the door to the vault access corridor, or just the vault. Them the panel on the left has a button next to the speaker, which you assume to be some sort of voice lock, uh, and the other is a slot for some sort of key card. Uh, and sure enough, because you’re working with Terry, he walks over to the key card slot, takes a key card out of his vest, or whatever?, and slides it through and it turns green-

Travis: Griffin?

Griffin: Yeeeeeeeeesssss?

Travis: Did you invent Terry because we weren’t moving fast enough through this mission?

Justin: [laughing] ‘Hi, my name is Real Terry-’

Travis: ‘I was definitely planned into this!’

Griffin: Part of me assumed you would just kill Terry instantly, which, in my defense, you almost did.

Travis: [rising pitch] I almost did?

Griffin: Uh, Terry walks, after, uh, getting the green light on the card slot, he walks over to the, uh, the speaker panel, and he says,

Terry: Uh, could you all give me a little space, please? Just back up a few feet? This part’s kind of...embarrassing.


Clint: Are we sure we trust Puh-Terry?

Travis: [crosstalk] Sure. I rolled- I got a 19. I trust Terry.

Justin: [crosstalk] He’s good.

Travis: I’m with Terry! Hashtag I’m With Terry.

Terry: I didn’t pick my password, and it’s embarrassing. I don’t want you guys to hear it, can you please gimme some space?


Magnus: No can do, Terry.


Taako: No, it’s fine, give him some space.


Magnus: Okay, okay.


Merle: Yeah, we won’t listen.


Griffin: He walks over to the— you— he walks over to the, uh, the keypad and he kinda [muffled] cups his mouth around it—

Justin: Wait, hold on. Uh, I wanna cast, uh, a spell that puts a eye over there so I can hear him.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Then I would put an ear over there [crosstalk], to hear it.

Travis: [crosstalk] Wait, what?

{34:40}

Justin: [crosstalk] I want— yeah. Put a—

Travis: [crosstalk] You have a ear?

Griffin: He sees you— he sees you start to channel a spell and he says,

Terry: My password is Turkey Boy, ok?


Justin: There we go. Arcane Eye—

Griffin: He goes,

Terry: Greg— Greg saw me eating a turkey sandwich on my first day, and he just wouldn’t shut up about it. It doesn’t even make any sense, it’s not even a good slam!


Taako: God, I hate Greg Grimaldis.


Griffin: Lup is cracking up, she’s like crying laughing, and she’s like,

Lup: Turkey Boy! Oh, man, Greg Grimaldis is a total dick, but that’s good stuff right there.


Griffin: And Terry—

Clint: [crosstalk] Good stuff? Turkey?

Griffin: [reluctantly] ...I guess?

[audience cheers]

Travis: Don’t! Please! You only have to deal with him for this hour and twenty minutes, we have to live with him!

Justin: I’m so glad you all got your tickets for free in a sweepstakes.

Clint: These are my people!

[audience cheers and Clint laughs]

Griffin: Terry unlocks the voice speaker and a bell chimes and the vault door starts sliding open, and he says,

Terry: Now I’ve never actually been in the vault, cause I’m not allowed in the vault, uh, all casino employees are fitted with a security chip that prevents them from entering certain areas. Again, this job fuckin’ sucks. But you should be able to find what you’re looking for in there. Don’t worry, I’ll stand guard here and keep everyone else out.


Magnus: Thanks, Terry. This is for you.


Travis: And I punch him.

Griffin: Oh my god!

Travis: I— I need to knock him out so he doesn’t get in trouble! I don’t want people to know that he was an accomplice!

Clint: So you’re going to physically assault him?

Travis: Yeah!

Justin: I cannot—

Travis: But it was only 13.

Griffin: He dodges out of the way of your blow—

Travis: [crosstalk] So maybe just a black eye? He doesn’t go unconscious.

Griffin: He— you try to punch him, and you definitely do try to punch him—

Travis: I try to punch him again.

Griffin: No, hold on—

Travis: Oh, [?]

Griffin: He says,

Terry: I see what you’re doing.


Griffin: And he punches himself in the face.

Justin: Perfect, perfect.

Travis: [crosstalk] Okay but I did get him on the third time, so he’s got two black eyes.

Terry: Okay, great! This is good! I love all of this!


Clint: I could kill him?

Griffin: Uh, Jesus.

Travis: No!

Justin: You probably couldn’t.

Clint: Loose lips sink ships!

Justin: All right.

Travis: We are already robbing the place!

Griffin: The four of you start to walk into the vault and he says,

Terry: Oh my god, I almost forgot! Um, everything in Greg’s vault is cursed, so that if anyone tries to leave the premises with it, it’ll explode in a pretty terrible fashion.


Magnus: How terrible?


Terry: Pretty bad.


Griffin: He starts rooting around in his bag and he pulls out this, uh, small device, it almost looks like one of those metal detector wands that security personnel at like airports and big events might use? And he hands it to you, uuhh, Merle.

Clint: God!

Justin: God dammit.

Travis: Why did you pick Merle??

Griffin: It’s… the best. And he says,

Terry: If you touch this to anything you want to take out of here, it’ll dispel the curse. It is— Merle,


Griffin: He grabs your face,

Terry: It is super important that you remember to do this, ok? I can’t take— I can’t take twenty percent of some sort of exploded treasure, okay?


Magnus: Whoa, did we say twenty?


Justin: That is a fifth.

Travis: ...but did we say that?

Griffin: As you start to negotiate the details, the, uh, the vault door swings shut behind you as you hear Terry shout,

Terry: Good luck! Don’t forget about that wand! I love you!


[audience laughs]

Justin: Little fast, but all right.

Griffin: And now we are flashed back, uh, to a few nights ago, uh, and she— Lup points to the blueprints again, just past the security hallway, and toward the large vault chamber on the map, and she says—

Travis: [crosstalk] I also— I just want to jump in— picture Barry bringing, like, a tray of hot chocolate, like, “you guys need anything?”

Barry: You guys good in— what are you guys doing in here?


Justin: Don’t worry about it, Barry!

Travis: All right!

Lup: We’re good, babe. Uh, once we make it through the security corridor, we should have access to the vault right here. Not sure why Greg made it so easily accessible, maybe dude just likes having quick access to all this ill-gotten gains, but we’ll breach the room, locate the fifteen-dollar bill, and with any luck, teleport home before we get caught! Now, listen, this is a matter of honour. We are just there for the fifteen dollar bill, nothing else.


Griffin: She says,

Lup: I’m—


[audience laughter]

Justin: I kind of, like— Taako kind of like puts his fists up, like,

Taako: Except…


Griffin: She shakes her— she shakes her head, she says,

Lup: I’m serious. We’re not going to steal anything else while we’re in there.


Griffin: And then we flashback forward to the present, and Lup says,

Lup: I’m going to steal absolutely everything in here.


[audience laughing and cheering]

[Justin laughing]

Taako: Yeeaahh! That’s my sister!


Griffin: The four— the four of you are standing in the casino’s vault, a fifteen foot wide and long room lit brightly overhead by fluorescents. In the middle of this chamber, a tall cauldron sits on the floor nearly overflowing with thousands of shiny gold coins. The walls to the east and west are lined with armaments hanging from decorative plaques, and in the back of the room is a statue of Greg Grimaldis carved out of stone. The statue is [trips over word] intricately— intricately crafted, showing Greg wearing a lavish tuxedo, and his facial features are clearly defined, and his two big wide eyes are looking down at the rest of the vault—

Travis: [crosstalk] So the statue’s gonna come to life, right? We can all agree the statue’s gonna…

Clint: And I’d also like to point out, Griffin, that when I did something similar in the recent arc, I had a picture—

Griffin: [crosstalk] What the f—

Clint: —that I gave everybody of the map and, you know—

Griffin: My words are my pictures!

[audience cheering]

Griffin: Uh, his facial features are clearly defined, save for his two hollow eyes, which look down on the rest of the room with amusement. Sitting at the statue of Greg’s feet is a small chest. What do you do?

Travis: Tell me more about the armaments?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, they just look— they look mostly decorative, but it’s axes and swords, some of them are made of silver, uh, some of them are made of gold…

Travis: Mmmmmm….

Justin: I’ll do— you know what, I’ll do, uh, an Arcana check—

Griffin: [crosstalk] All right.

Justin: —to see if I sense any magical higgledy piggledy. That’s a natural 20. What’s the scoop on magic.

Griffin: Yeah!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Uh, with a 20—

Travis: Those dice, by the way, from ThinkGeek, and apparently, they’re weighted.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: [simultaneously] Yeah. Go fig.

Griffin: Uh… Everything is magical, and—

Justin: Schools of magic are probably what I would define with a 20 [crosstalk], I think I’d be getting, like, some transmutation, evocation…

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, okay okay okay...

{40:50}

Griffin: Uh, trap magic is [crosstalk] good—

Justin: Trap magic, yeah. I love that fuckin’ sound, dude. [crosstalk] When I get down to Ibiza, all I want is fuckin’ trap magic, baby.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of nice snares… Yeah, sure.

[Travis cackling]

Justin: Fuckin’ blaze it, dude. Can’t get loud enough!

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: All right. I have—

Griffin: Start touching things!

Clint: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Travis: [crosstalk] No, wait! Hold on. He said trap magic. I assume you say it?

Taako: Guys, it’s trap magic.


Travis: Thank you. I want you to picture, like, a Pooh and a lotta, like, [high pitched sliding sound] whooop!

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Clint: So, is this the curse he mentioned...?

Griffin: You have no way of knowing what any of that is, but [crosstalk] maybe?

Travis: [crosstalk] Well you’re here, we could just ask you.

Clint: I have— I like— I’m, like, a magic guy.

Griffin: [crosstalk] This is true.

Travis: [crosstalk] Are you?

Justin: All evidence to the contrary… um, I’m going to… at the chest—

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: I want to do, um, an Investigation on the chest.

Travis: Do you know what’s amazing?

Griffin: What? [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] What’s amazing—

Griffin: How slow we’re moving right now? How the momentum of the show—

Justin: It’s a— it’s a 18. Plus… 8.

Griffin: Uh, the chest is trapped, not magically, but with a wire on the inside. It’s a more physical—

Taako: Hey, this chest is trapped. Could you use your rogue—


Magnus: [high pitched] Yeeah!


Taako: —perversions to—


Travis: I have thief’s tools proficiency, times 2.

Griffin: Yeah, so you’ll just roll, uh, a d20 and you’ll add your proficiency bonus twice to it.

Travis: 13 plus 8. 21.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s good. You get in there and you sort of slip your tools around the wire and you sort of unspool it really expertly.

Travis: I’m doing it!

Griffin: Yeah, ok. And the chest— and the chest pops open, and no trap is sprung. What the— what— you’re doing the—

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m doing the [double] six? [something] double six. <<42:50>>

Griffin: You’re doing the Goofy Movie ultimate cast.

[audience cheers]

Travis: [sings] If we listen to each other’s hearts, find we’re never too far apart, and maybe that is the reason why for the first time ever we’re seeing it eye to eye! God, I love that movie!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Within—

Travis: [singing] For the first time—

Griffin: Within the chest— please stop— within the chest, you see a red cushion housing a circle of gemstones. Arranged in that pattern are a pair of the following: emeralds—

Justin: I dropped one of my die.

Griffin: —emeralds, opaz— opaz? [crosstalk] Opaz is nothing.

Justin: [crosstalk] Opazes?

Travis: Opaz! A cross between opal and topaz!

Taako: Guys this one’s really rare, I’ve never even heard of this one, we gotta steal it first!


Griffin: Emeralds, o— emeralds, opals, topazes, sapphires, diamonds, and rubies.

Justin: Dapphires. Tubies.

Travis: [laughing] Tubies! Oh my god, there’s beautiful tubies in here!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Do you see how the clock says three minutes on it? And you’re—

Justin: I actually don’t have visibility on the clock.

Griffin: Okay, it’s—

Justin: What is it now?

Griffin: Holy shit. Emeralds, opals, topazes, sapphires, diamonds, and rubies.

Justin: It’s the order—

Travis: [crosstalk] Okay there’s a puzzle here, we have to get the—

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, what’s the order— is the order of those important? Is it alphabe— okay, let’s talk about the—

Griffin: There is an order.

Travis: Diamonds, rubies—

Griffin: Okay, yes, go.

Travis: Dr. Pepper. Diamonds, rubies. Topaz.

Clint: [crosstalk] Okay, what about the chemical composition of diamonds and rubies?

Travis: [crosstalk] Emerald.

Justin: [crosstalk] Diamonds, rubies, topaz. D, R—

Travis: [crosstalk] Donut.

Justin: [crosstalk] D, R—

Clint: [crosstalk] What if it’s Ruby Tuesday— Ruby Tuesdays...

Travis: [crosstalk] My— my rambunctious mother—

Griffin: I don’t— I think you missed this part too, there’s two of each of them.

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay.

Travis: [crosstalk] Okay. Diamond, diamond, topaz, topaz, opal, opaz, topaz, diamond, diamond, tymond, [starts speaking gibberish].

Justin: So that’s diamond, topaz, emerald, ruby, [crosstalk] hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and balloons…

Clint: [crosstalk] Diamond, topaz, emerald, ruby...

Travis: Just give me the stones one more time, Griff. [crosstalk] Give me the stones!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Emeralds. Emeralds—

Clint: Wait! E…

Griffin: [exasperated] Oh, it’s not the letters!

Clint: Wait a minute! It’s colours!

Griffin: Opals, topaz—

Clint: [crosstalk] Green, orange, purple—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Sapphires, diamonds, and rubies.

Clint: Striped.

Justin: Diamonds don’t really fit into, like, a—

Clint: Plaid.

Justin: Diamonds don’t fit into, like, a rainbow kind of thing. A prismatic situation.

Travis: It’s the Mohs Hardness Scale!

Griffin: [talking loudly over Travis] Because you take so long in the rooooom—

Travis: It’s the Mohs Hardness Scale!

Griffin: Just, an alarm sounds, because you’ve been in here for so long without solving the trap, and—

Justin: I grab all of the stones and put them in my bag.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I disarmed the trap!

Griffin: Uh, it doesn’t matter, this is a time alarm, because the three of you aaaaare dipshiiiiits!

Taako: Quick! Merle, Merle, use the wand on my bag, quick!


Clint: Quick! I use the wand in his bag and immediately—

Justin: Wooop! Moving on.

Griffin: Uh, the alarm does shut off, but you assume that to actually be Terry’s doing?

Justin: Nice.

Magnus: Sick, Terry!


Griffin: —but the, uh— The magical trap has been sprung and gold has begun pouring out of the cauldron in the center of the room, clattering to the ground below, almost as if it’s multiplying rapidly, threatening to flood the room that you’re standing in. It’s up to your ankles. Uh, what do you do? Also the chest, uh— I’ll give you this because we gotta move on, uh, the chest has an arrow pointing upwards to the statue of Greg Grimaldis.

Travis: Does Greg have these gems somewhere on him?

Griffin: He does not. Greg Grimaldis, a statue carved of stone, the statue is intricately crafted showing Greg wearing a lavish tuxedo and his facial features are clearly defined, save for his two hollow eyes, which look down at the rest of the vault—

Justin: [crosstalk] Ooohkay.

Clint: [crosstalk] Blue! Sapphires! Put sapphires in his eyes!

Travis: [crosstalk] Put the sapphires in his eyes!

Justin: [crosstalk] Put the— we put the sapphires in there!

Clint: [crosstalk] Put sapphires in his eyes! Yeah!

Travis: [crosstalk] Sapphires in his eyes, alright.

[audience cheers]

Clint: That’s mine! That’s mine! Yeah, I got it first.

Justin: Yeah, Clint solved it everybody.

Clint: [crosstalk] Sapphires in his eyes.

Griffin: Gold reaches up to your knees as you place the sapphires into the statue’s eyes, and it raises up out of the floor, displacing a pile of gold as it lifts up. And underneath it you see what looks like an elevator car attached to the bottom of a statue.

[various whoops from audience members]

Griffin: The doors— yeah, elevators, fuck yeah— the doors of the car—

[audience cheers]

Travis: I use the pocket workshop to get a bunch of gold in there.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you scoop some gold into the pocket workshop—

Travis: Like a lot. I put it over the, the cauldron as it just...

{46:55}

Griffin: Uh, the doors of the car open up, allowing a few hundred gold coins to spill inside, allowing you access to the car. Uh, and as it—

Travis: How much gold do you think is in the pocket workshop?

Griffin: Three thousand gold pieces.

Travis: That’s a lot of gold!

Griffin: Lup—

Justin: That’s nice.

Griffin: Lup says,

Lup: I’m guessing this is some sort of decoy vault. Grimaldis, you slippery shit! Well, we’re already in it, you know, I say we keep pushing on!


Griffin: And she walks over to the elevator car.

Taako: Yeah, let’s do it, are you kidding me?


Travis: Yeah! We’ve only got— oh, negative 46 seconds!

Griffin: Uh-oh! The four of you step into the elevator car and the glass door back into the vault closes in front of you. And just as you see the gold, uh, just as you see the door back into the hallway, you hear people starting to pound at it. The -elevator moves. Uh, also, inside the gold that’s on the floor, you see a golden shark fin pop up and start to swim towards you. That was just a cool part of this trap that I thought was gonna get sprung earlier, but I didn’t get to use it. But right as the shark is about to reach you, this cool gold shark— it was gonna, like, pull you in under the gold, and it was gonna be a fun thing, but [crosstalk] it didn’t happen.

Travis: [crosstalk] So so far in McElroy canon, glass shark, gold shark.

Griffin: Yeah, we’re doing all the sharks. [audience cheers] This elevator cart doesn’t move down, the floor simply disappears beneath your feet, and you’re all falling with a shower of golden coins close behind— don’t. I know I said…

[audience laughs]

Clint: So it’s golden...

Griffin: Nooope ba ba bap!

Travis: What??

Clint: And it’s a shower…

Travis: [crosstalk] Look at the timer! This is not something my Dad should know about!

Justin: [crosstalk] Griffin got there first!

Griffin: [crosstalk] What— what you fear to be a deadly trap quickly reveals itself to be something more innocuous. You’re on a long, golden slide, spiraling downwards through rings of silvery light, it’s actually pretty fun. And your trip ends as you—

Travis: Is there, like, Sonic music playing?

Griffin: Yes. [sings a tune] Dat da da da da, and you’re sliding through the, the last ring of light, and now the four of you are falling into this enormous room, five times the size of the decoy vault you were just in. And after falling 20 feet or so off the end of the slide, your landing is cushioned by a huge pile of paper. But not just any paper— beneath you, and piled up against the walls of this room in these tall slopes, are mountains of fifteen dollar bills.

Justin: Oh, fuck.

Griffin: These piles lead downward to the center of the room, where the bills have been swept away into a circular clearing, and in the center of that clearing is a large, ten foot tall slot machine. It looks much older than the others you saw in the gaming pit. It’s made of ornate wood and heavy iron plating. And Lup, when you crash down into the money, she says,

Lup: We’re close, but I don’t think any of these are the original. We have to find the first fifteen dollar bill if we want to shut down this whole operation.


Griffin: And she slides— she sleds down the, uh the cash pile towards the slot machine [crosstalk] in the center of the room.

Clint: [crosstalk] Ooh, paper cuts! [sucks breath in]

Griffin: I’m just gonna go turbo speed now— as the four of you approach the giant ancient slot machine, Lup turns towards the rest of you, and she says,

Lup: Anyone else want to handle this? I’m not feeling particularly lucky today.


Taako: Yeah, I don’t know who the—


Merle: I’ll do it!


Taako: All right.


Magnus: [crosstalk] I don’t think we’re, uh—


Griffin: [crosstalk] All right, Merle.

Clint: Yeah, Merle does it!

Griffin: Merle, you walk up and pull the lever of the slot machine [Clint: Yeah!] and the three wheels inside start spinning, showing colourful flashes of cherries, sevens, gold coins, and fifteen-dollar bills, and it starts chiming out this high— high pitched sound, like this tinkling noise, and then the wheels come to a sudden stop, and three symbols align on the display: skulls.

And a window slides open above the slots, and a light flickers on inside that window, and you see a face with jet black hair and sideburns, and a wide grin punctuated with one gold tooth and two bright blue eyes. And seeing this face inside the slot machine, Lup gasps and you hear the voice of Greg Grimaldis boom throughout the vault— what did he fuckin’ sound— he sound—

Justin: He’s like a heavy New York— [crosstalk] Yeah, kind of—

Travis: [imitating Greg’s voice] [crosstalk] Heeyy, I see—

Clint: [imitating Greg’s voice] [crosstalk] Heeyy!

Greg Grimaldis: [crosstalk] You didn’t think it was gonna be that easy, didja?


Merle: Yeah?


Griffin: And the slot machine starts lifting up slowly from the ground as two thick wooden legs sprout from its base, and two long arms and a mechanical head sprout from its top. And while this slot machine transforms into this imposing figure, Greg speaks and says,

Greg Grimaldis: You didn’t think I knew you’d be back someday, Lup? You didn’t think I’d know the second you crossed the threshold of this casino? You and your brother, you’ve always been too proud, and you know what they say about pride. Like… what it comes before.


Griffin: And Lup—

Merle: In the dictionary?


Griffin: And Lup— [chuckles] and Lup smirks and her hands catch fire, and she says,

Lup: You know what? I take it back.


Griffin: And she turns towards Greg and she says,

Lup: I am feeling lucky.


{51:31}

[audience cheers]

Griffin: We’re gonna take an intermission now so we can all go use the bathroooom, and we’ll be back!

Travis: There are posters out the in the lobby!

Griffin: There’s posters out in the lobby, and also bathrooms everywhere, not everywhere, they’re where the bathrooms are.

Justin: Don’t— don’t use the bathroom everywhere. Bye.

Griffin: We’ll be right back.


[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

{51:55-57:14, Commercial Break}


Justin: —weave this tapestry...

Griffin: Let’s roooooollllllllll initiative!

Justin: There we go. [audience cheers, dice hits table] That’s a nine for Hoops.

Travis: That issss…. seventeen.

[dice hits table, Clint laughs maniacally]

Justin: Well that’s not— that’s not actually that helpful because that just means you have to take the initiative first. You didn’t actually do—

Clint: I rolled a twenty! Give me a little freakin’ credit!

Justin: Okay. Okay.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Uh, Merle goes first. Merle, you are standing in front of this, uh, ten-foot-tall slot machine, sort of, mech, with Greg Grimaldis inside of it. What do you do?

Clint: I cast Guardian of Faith!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Oldie but a goodie. What’s that one do?

Clint: That creates a giant Della Reese!

Griffin: Sure.

Clint: And Giant Della Reese— any creature that’s hostile, is hostile to you, that moves to a space within 10 feet of us for the first time on a turn must succeed on a Dexterity saving throw.

Griffin: Gotcha.

Clint: So she just stands there.

Griffin: [laughing] She just stands there.

Clint: Yeah. Just stands there lookin’, and she’s got this look on her face. [makes a face at the audience]

Griffin: Okaayyyy.

Justin: It’s an audio podcast.

Griffin: Uh, Greg Grimaldis is up next. Uh, and, I guess he’s gonna roll a Dexterity saving throw. [dice hits table] Uh, that is an 11, which is not gonna beat your spellcasting modifier. [Clint: Nope!] So roll that beautiful Bean footage.

Clint: The creature takes twenty radiant damage!

Griffin: Oh! Okay.

Clint: On a failed save!

Griffin: That’s what that was, so, good!

[Justin & audience laugh]

Griffin: The slot machine robot rears up one of its arms and pulls the lever, and, uh, the slots start spinning… and it lands on three fifteen-dollar bills. Uh, and, when that happens, this big pile that’s just all around the room, pressed up against the walls of this room, you see a shape start to take form inside of this cache. And this big face with two hands emerges, this twenty-foot-tall face of money with these two big money hands, uh, takes shape. And the money monster— another classic— it’s just George Clooney fest up in here!— uh, will act next, and is going to slam one of those big fists down on Taakooo.

Justin: Come on…

Griffin: Taakoooo… that is a nineteen versus AC.

Justin: [crosstalk] Mmmthat’s gonna do it.

Travis: [crosstalk] Um, as a protection fighter, disadvantage, re-roll that shiiit!

Griffin: Okay.

{59:44}

[audience cheers]

Griffin: That is a fifteen versus AC.

Justin: That’s still gonna do it.

Griffin: Okayyy…

Justin: [crosstalk] I’m dressed in rags, my skin is-

Travis: [crosstalk] Remind me to get you a better hat!

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, that is 21 points of money damaaaaage… [Justin: Ooh…] As it slams a big money-fist down on you… That is-

Justin: It’s, uh…

[audience member: “Cash money!”]

Griffin: That is— it is money. Next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Um… So. First, tell me more about these wooden legs. Are they tree-like?

[audience cheers]

Griffin: ...they were formerly trees, yes.

Travis: Yeahhhhhh! Okay, that is a… twenty-four.

Griffin: [resigned] Shit.

[pause]

Travis: I rolled a fourteen, I get plus TEN!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I only do one thing! Um, and then that is… uh, nine plus five, fourteen points of damage, and I cleave a leg in half.

Griffin: Yeah, I think one of the legs is just gone, and, uh-

Travis: Okay!

Justin: Nice!

Travis: And then with my second attack…

Griffin: I can bet, I can guess...

Travis: I’m gonna attack the money monster with my Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Griffin: Oh shit.

[audience cheers]

Clint: And?

Justin: Okay, one— one small, uh, note… [dramatic pause] MY Flaming [crosstalk] Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah. I’m going to attack—

Justin: [crosstalk] That I do let you use.

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m going to attack the money monster with Taako’s—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Flaming—

Justin: From the Taako Library. It’s got the stamp on it, it says ‘Please Return to, if you die again’—

Clint: ‘Stolen From’—

[dice roll]

Griffin: It did not go through the dice tower, it does not count!

[dice rolls again]

Travis: Okay great, because that was aaaaaaa… twenty-nine—

Griffin: Yes!

Travis: Um, so that’s [mumbled] one d8… [dice rolls] that was 2, plus 24, so 26 points of damage! And I assume, because it’s money, and it’s fire—

Griffin: Yeah it’s actually 52 points of damage, um—

Travis: Ayyyy...

Justin: Yeahhh…

[audience cheers]

Griffin: As you swipe— [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] A very good sword, Connor, a very good sword.

Griffin: Connor? Not— Colin!

Travis: Aww, Colin!

Clint: Colin is here tonight! The kid that created—

Justin: Colin, are you here?

Griffin: Thank you, Colin, you crushed it with this very good sword.

Justin: Colin—

Clint: If you see a kid dressed like Angus going [crosstalk] ‘yeah, I made that’—

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s not gonna narrow it down. Colin? Where are you, Colin? Colin? We’re pointing up, can we get some house lights for a second?

Clint: House lights?

Justin: House lights pleeeaaassseeee??

Griffin: Are we putting Colin on blast right now?

Travis: Where i—

[Colin’s father holds him up]

{62:14}

Justin: There he is! No, don’t drop him! There he is! Hey everybody look!

Clint: Don’t hold him up over the balcony!

Justin: Oh, god!

Griffin: Jesus!

Justin: The end. Jesus.

Clint: You went all Michael Jackson on him there, dangling him over the edge!

Travis: Put— put Blanket down…

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Alright.

Justin: Alright.

Griffin: Alright, fifty-two points of damage, thank you Colin— [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] Thank you, Colin, thank you.

Griffin: Colin, these are your 52 points of damage, that—

Justin: That you gave to me, and I loaned to him.

Griffin: Uh, and you see this big, flaming streak go up the money monster’s chest, and it roars as it takes this huge hit, and then the fire starts to spread throughout the money surrounding the room.

Justin: Uh ohhhhh…

[audience laughs]

Travis: That’s Taako’s fire!

[Clint & audience laugh]

{63:12}

Griffin: Next in the order is Taako! Taako, you have a one-legged, slightly damaged, uh, slot machine in front of you and a, uh, uh, money monster who is on fire and sort of flailing around, and also the room’s catching on fire. Pretty good heist.

Justin: Where am I? [nervous laugh] Where am I in relation to the money monster?

Griffin: Uh, you’re— the, the slot machine monster’s, like, between you and them. You’re about 30 feet away from them, I’d say.

Justin: Okayyy… well, I’ll run around him…

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Justin: And over to the money monster.

Griffin: I’m gonna do an attack of opportunity on you. [pause] It’s fine, it’s just some damage.

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Uh, that’s a seventeen versus AC?

Justin: Yeah, how much damage would you like to give me?

[dice rolls]

Griffin: Seventeen points of damage!

Justin: That’s a very good amount of damage, thank you.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Don’t worry, canonically, I can’t die.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: Actually, we’re after the events of the recorded Adventure Zone, so—

Travis: [high pitched] But he was at Magnus’s bedside [crosstalk] when Magnus died.

Griffin: Oh, shit. [crosstalk] Spoilers, shut up!

[audience cheers]

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Jesus!

Travis: [crosstalk] Magnus is mortal—

Clint: [crosstalk] You do have a rather accomplished healer in your party…

Justin: Of course.

Travis: [blows raspberry] Who, Lup?

Justin: Well, ok, now— now I’m nervous. Um, alright, but I’m gonna get over there and I am gonna cast Wall of Ice to create a hemispheric dome, um, with a radius of 10 feet, um, made of ice, um, around— near myself, the money monster, and the fire to try to put that situation out.

Griffin: Are you trying to capture yourself in this ice… sphere?

Justin: Noooo…

Griffin: Nooo, I didnt think... Okay.

Justin: No, Griffin, that would be… ill-advised, I think. [Griffin: Okay.] Uh, I think what I’m going to do as a sentient being that wants to preserve its own life— [Griffin laughs] And wants to preserve canon, frankly, will cast that in a 10-foot sphere centered on the money monster.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: Uh, so, this…

Griffin: Do you just do it?

{65:03}

Justin: ‘Scuse me? Gonna make a Dexterity saving throw, and on a failed save you will take some amount of damage.

Griffin: Okay.

[dice rolls]

Griffin: I’m… very sorry [laughs], uh, I did roll a nineteen, plus four, a twenty-three.

Justin: Okay, that’s higher than my modifier.

Griffin: Sure.

Justin: So…

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’ll take some damage though!

Travis: [crosstalk] We’ll edit this point out, roll again.

Griffin: No, it’ll take some damage!

Justin: No wait, yeah, you’re gonna take… 5d6 damage.

Griffin: [whispered] Oh fuck.

Justin: Six… ten… eleven… fourteen… seventeen.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Some?

Griffin: Yeah, that’s very good. Uh, the money monster looks very bad. You create this Wall of Ice, but it leaps over it, and, and takes some damage from, like, the jagged icicle shards on top of it, uh, that, that scrape into it. Uh, and it lands in front of you, separated now from the big money pile, so it is sort of… separated from its… life force, I guess? Uh, but the, uh, the fire is still starting to spread around the money in the room, uh, creating a— some, some smoke that is now pouring up to the ceiling.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, next up is Lup, who says—

[audience cheers]

Griffin: She— she says—

Travis: Oh, does… does everyone like Lup?

[Griffin laughs, audience cheers]

Clint: More than us?

[audience member: “Yeah…”]

Griffin: Yeah.

[Travis laughs, audience cheers]

Griffin: She says—

Clint: Security!

Griffin: She says

Lup: Well, uh, if it’s already on fire...


Griffin: And she casts Flame Blade. Uh, you evoke a fiery blade in your free hand, the blade is similar in size and shape to a scimitar and lasts for the duration, uh—

Travis: I want you to picture Magnus going

Magnus: Ey! Ey! You! Ah! [sounds of protestation]


Lup: Same hat! Same hat!


[audience cheers]

Griffin: Uh, she stabs the Flame Blade into the money monster and pulls it up, uh, and hits it forrrr… uh, eighteen, which is thirty-six points of fire damage. The—

{67:00}

Clint: [mocking] Ooooh!

Griffin: And the money monster is cut in half, and half of it just burns away in the smoke and now it’s just half— it’s, uh, kind of a—

Travis: Now it’s seven fifty.

Griffin: It’s a much smaller— it’s a much smaller money monster.

Clint: Now it’s made of euros.

Travis: Euros are actually doing better than the dollar.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh really, is it?

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, I don’t know.

Griffin: Next in the order is— next in the order is Merle Highchurch. This has been our… finance shooooowww? ‘What is Money?’

Clint: Mass Healing Word.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I’m gonna— wait a minute—

Griffin: Has anybody [crosstalk] taken damage?

Travis: [crosstalk] Only Taako’s been hurt!

Clint: Well then I think it’s appropriate that I would waste this spell on just that. [audience laughs] Maybe I shouldn’t.

Griffin: No, go for it! Do what you want!

Clint: I’ll cast Mass Healing Word.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: As I call out words of restoration - ‘Go, team, go!’ - um—

Justin: Very good.

Clint: Up to six creatures of your choice that you can see within range regain hit points equal to 1d4—

Griffin: The money monster looks at you pleadingly, like [makes puppy eyes, audience laughs]

Clint: Awww… [crosstalk] Aww, wow…

Griffin: [crosstalk] It can’t talk, but it’s like [mimics threatening to cry]

Clint: Aww…

Justin: Don’t.

Clint: No. No. I guess I d— do I have to specify? I guess I—

Griffin: ‘Just the good guys! The good— the good part of the team! The— the—’ your friends.

Clint: Yeah, just the good pe— part of my team.

[rolls dice]

Griffin: That’s the tiniest dice.

Clint: How do you— oh, two, plus my spell modifier.

Griffin: Which is eight. [audience member: “Ten!”] Thank you, ten.

Clint: Hey!

Griffin: Everybody is healed for ten points of damage.

Travis: Ok, Magnus feels exactly the same.

Justin: I appreciate that, [crosstalk] thank you.

Clint: [crosstalk] And I don’t guess a ‘thank you’, would kill ya, would it?

Taako: Tha— thanks! Thanks for the fuckin’ Ludens.


[Griffin laughs]

Taako: Ten whole points, you shouldn’t have! My migraine disappeared!


[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, up next is Greg Grimaldis, and the wheels spiiiiin, and he gets… all sevens, uh, across the dial.

Taako: Hooray!


Griffin: And, Magnus, uh, the, the slot-machine-bot points a fist at you, and a rocket punch comes flying [crosstalk] at you—

Travis: I point a fist back and punch back!

[audience cheers, dice rolls]

Griffin: Uh… that is a 26 versus AC.

Travis: That’s a Nat 1.

Griffin: You can’t fuckin’ punch during my punch!

{69:39}

Travis: It was a Nat 1.

Clint: It was a Nat 1.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, 26 v AC?

Travis: [sad noises] Yeah...

Griffin: It’s a fuckin’ hit, uh—

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: With its, uh, seventh attack, it punches you for seventy-seven points of damage.

[audience recoils]

Travis: I am going to use— hold on— I am gonna use parry—

Griffin: Okay. [gruff voice] ‘Hey, it’s Perry, what did you need?’

Clint: [gruff voice] ‘Oh shit! Ow!’

Justin: [gruff voice] ‘Heard you’re gettin’ the shit kicked outta ya, what’s up?’

Griffin: [gruff voice] ‘This room’s super fuckin’ on fire, I gotta get outta here!’

Justin: [gruff voice] ‘Hey listen,—’

Travis: I’m gonna reduce it by eight. [chuckles]

Griffin: Okay. [audience laughs] [realizing the math] Oh! NICE!

[audience erupts]

Justin: [muffled] It’s the sex number.

[long pause]

Clint: [muffled] Ohhhhhhh!

[audience cheers]

Clint: It was a different number when I was in college.

{70:41}

Justin: Grooooooooossssssssssssssss!

Travis: Ahh!

Clint: Yeah!

Travis: I am—

Griffin: Next!

Travis: I am—

Clint: By the way— [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] —barely bloodied, by the way—

Clint: Colin, I apologize for saying ‘fuck’ earlier.

Griffin: Yeah, shit— yeah, a lot of bad stuff.

Justin: Again. You did just say it again.

Clint: That was wrong, do not—

Griffin: Okay—

Clint: I’m not a role model—

Griffin: Stop. Obviously.

Clint: Obviously!

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is Magnus. You just got rocket-punched for so much damage.

[audience members: “Say the number!”]

Travis: Uh-huh.

[audience members: “Say it! How much damage?”]

Griffin: Uh— sixty-nine points of damage.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: We did it! We did the joke already! We did it! Uh—

Travis: I’m going to attack, like, I dunno— this isn’t— this isn’t Price is Right! Don’t need your help! I’m gonna attack it with weapons!

Clint: Waitwaitwait! No! Bid on it!

Travis: Um, y’know what?

Griffin: What? [pause] Chicken butt.

[audience laughs]

Travis: I’m, uh, gonna Railsplit the other leg.

Griffin: Okay!

[dice rolls]

Justin: [muffled] So slow...

Travis: Uh, it’s a six, plus ten…

Griffin: Six— sixteen?

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: We appreciate—

Justin: Listen, I am so glad that many of you were over-served at dinner, if we could all pump the interactions this way, that would be great, thank you.

Griffin: Sixteen, uh, yeah, sixteen hits this, uh, this—

Travis: It does?

Griffin: This one leg. Sure, fuck it, why not?

Travis: Okay, cool!

{71:53}

Clint: It’s a leg!

Griffin: It’s just a leg.

[dice rolls]

Travis: Uh, seven… plus 5, twelve?

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: And I cleave it in twain.

Griffin: Yep! That leg’s gone too! Now the— pff— robot’s just sorta sittin’ on the ground, relaxiiiinnnggg.

Travis: And I’m gonna attack money monster with the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom!

Griffin: Okay.

[dice rolls]

Travis: Mmm ‘s a two.

[pause]

Clint: What has happened to you?

Griffin: Uh, that’s a m—

Travis: I’ve become observed.

Griffin: That’s a miss?

[Clint laughs]

Travis: Oh, I mean!

Clint: The truth will out in Nashville! [for those who forgot, Travis… edits rolls]

Griffin: Uh, that’s a miss, uh—

Travis: And then I am going to use, uh, my Action Surge—

Griffin: Yeah, sure, I thought there was—

[dice rolls]

Travis: There we go. That’s a fourteen, plus ten is twenty-four.

Griffin: Yes. On the money monster?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: It had one hit point left. It just ex— it— it was one, single dollar bill just like [singing] ‘I’m just a bill, yes— oh, fuck!’

[audience cheers]

Griffin: The money monster is vanquished, but the fire, uh, on the outside walls of the room, is like— it’s taken up, like, half the room, and [crosstalk] it’s getting hot in here.

Travis: [crosstalk] And with my extra attack, my Action Surge, I get an extra attack?

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: Okay.

[audience members yell suggestions]

Clint: Don’t help him!

Travis: I’m going to throw my Chance Lance to wedge one of the wheels in place.

Griffin: There’s no wheels. Oh! Ok, ok, there are wheels.

Travis: Fifteen plus ten, twenty-five.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, sure. Uh, roll— roll damage on that.

[dice rolls]

Travis: That’s an eight! Plus, uh… plus five, thirteen.

Griffin: Uh, yeah. Thirteen points of damage. Okay! Uhhhh… cool. The, uh, I think, like, a spring, just, like, pops out of this old slot machine monster, kind of like if it was an old-timey cartoon—

Travis: My colon!

Griffin: You— [laughs] Uh, alright. Uh—

Justin: I didn’t think it would make it back to me, I thought you would all have this… sorted out. I think, I’ll, uh… [audience member: “Fireball!”] Uh, Fireball.

[Griffin and audience laugh]

Justin: I did have that pulled up.

Travis: But also, don’t help, but… thank you.

Justin: That was what I was gonna do, I mean, it’s a big wood thing, it’s almost dead, I’ll just go ahead and throw a fireball at it. Dexterity saving throw.

[dice rolls]

Griffin: No!

Travis: No.

Justin: No. It’s 8d6… nineteen.

Griffin: Nineteen points of damage.

Justin: Nineteen points of damage.

Griffin: Uh, can I paint— Can I paint a picture? With my words?

Justin: Yeah, [crosstalk] please do.

Clint: [crosstalk] You always do.

Griffin: As you start to channel this Fireball, you feel Lup up against your back, and you feel her actually conjuring a Fireball at the same time, as the two of you, fuckin’, Jessie-and-James-from-Pokémon-style… throw two Fireballs at the slot machine monster that spiral around each other and slam into it at the same time— [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] It’s like, one’s blue and one’s red, and it’s like—

Griffin: [crosstalk] —yeah yeah yeah, hitting it for thirty-eight points of damage.

Justin: Nice!

[audience cheers]

{74:51}

Griffin: It is… still up, but it looks really bad off, and also it’s a little bit on fire, so you hear Greg Grimaldis inside, going like

Greg: OH! Aww, beans!


Griffin: Also, this room is now completely on fire. The walls of this room are just surrounded by flame, and it’s actually— all of you make a Constitution saving throw, [crosstalk] as you are choking down smoke.

Justin: [crosstalk] Not my strong suit…

Clint: Is that dangerous?

Justin: Seventeen…

Griffin: Hey, everybody, this is a PSA! Fire smoke, super-duper dangerous, and—

Justin: Nineteen for me.

Griffin: Okay, you’re okay.

Travis: Twenty-two!

Griffin: You’re okay.

Clint: Nineteen!

Griffin: Okay, everybody’s fine!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Back up to the top of the order, [crosstalk] as he breathes—

Travis: [crosstalk] [heavy inhale sounds] It’s delicious!

{75:38}

Griffin: You do vape tricks with the smoke.

[audience laughs]

Travis: COTTON!

Griffin: Yes. Yes, cotton. Cotton indeed.

Travis: [laughing] Cotton, indeed!

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is Merle Highchurch.

Clint: Go with this.

Justin: Oh, God.

Griffin: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Clint: Go with this. I ask Greg,

Merle: Which one is the real fifteen-dollar bill?


Clint: And I cast ZONE OF TRUTH! [audience applauds] So it doesn’t burn up!

Travis: Y’all. No joke. This is the most proud I’ve ever been of my dad.

Griffin: Yeah, very good.

Travis: Not because he used it well! But because he found a justifiable way to use it at all.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: Uh—

Clint: [pretending to cry] Thank you very much!

Travis: I love you, Daddy.

Griffin: I rolled— I rolled a seven, and— Greg Grimaldis says,

Greg: Yeah, I got it in here. It’s in here, with me, in this locket around my neck.


Merle: Well, Greg, if you want us to save ya, you gotta give it to us!


Justin: Okay, I like that.

Griffin: He says—

Clint: I mean, I’m sorry,

Merle: Greg, if you want us to save ya—


Justin: Thank you.

Merle: Ya gotta give it to us!


Travis: And remember, Griffin, you are in his Zone of Truth.

Griffin: He says,

Greg: No, I think I’m just gonna punch you right now.


Griffin: And then he punches you right now. He’s telling the truth!

Clint: I thought— I thought we burned his arms off!

Griffin: You burned his legs— you cut his legs off…

Clint: How’s he gonna reach me?

Travis: He’s got big arms.

Clint: I dodge.

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: I weave.

Justin: I step back.

Griffin: Uh… that is only a nine versus AC.

Clint: Noooooo, I’m sorry, that doesn’t hurt me at all.

Griffin: Okay, he tries to punch you and fails very badly. He says

Greg: I feel em— I feel embarrassed in front of all of you.


[audience laughs]

Greg: I don’t like how on-fire my casino is right now. [pause] I liked the ending of Lost, I don’t—


[McEl-boys & audience laugh]

Travis: I attack Greg.

Griffin: Okay! It is your turn.

Travis: With the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: You’re gonna kill him then, okay.

Travis: That is—

Clint: Aww!

Travis: Eighteen plus ten.

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: That is… thirty-six. [all laugh] Um— that was a joke. Cuz it was bad math. Um, let’s see… [dice roll] But no one laughed so it’s not a joke.

Clint: Colin—

Griffin: Stop referencing—

Clint: Colin, bad math is not a joke.

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s not how a joke works.

Justin: [crosstalk] There’s— there’s nothing funny about bad math, Colin.

Travis: That is a nine, plus twenty-four, thirty-three points of damage.

Griffin: It explodes. Uh, the slot machine robot, you just stab into it and ten more springs shoot out of it and you see Greg’s face illuminated from underneath like

Greg: [fear noises]


Griffin: And it explodes, which sends Greg tumbling down hard to the floor, his cape still sort of on fire.

Travis: You know what’s interesting? It just occurred to me. I’ve used the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom many times, never dealt with Poison damage.

Griffin: Yeah…

Travis: Huh.

Griffin: Huh.

Travis: It’s not funny, really, so much as it’s just… bad gameplay.

{78:44}

Griffin: Yeah, sure. Uh, Greg tumbles down hard to the floor several feet away from your party as this room is just in a big blaze. Uh, and as he falls, a large locket slips off his neck and skids to a halt at your feet. And, surveying the scene around him, Greg says

Greg: Okay, fine, the fifteen-dollar bill is in that locket, just please don’t kill me! I’ll be good from now on, I promise!


[audience member: “Finish him!”]

Griffin: Holy shit!

Travis: Greg has a fake family!

Griffin: Uh, a chime rings from your belts, indicating that your time in this world is nearly through. What do you do?

Justin: Please!

[audience members: “Lup!”]

Magnus: Lup?


Justin: What?

Griffin: Uh, Lup starts to catch fire with her hands, and she says

Lup: No, we burn down his casino, as long as we take away his money power, I don’t— we don’t gotta murder him.


Travis: I cut off his ear.

Lup: HOLY SHIT!


[audience laughs]

Lup: Okay, that one’s actually good.


Justin: Uh, don’t forget to do the thing.

Clint: Oh! I use the, the, the—

Justin: Wand.

Clint: Wand of de-curse-uration—

Justin: De-curse-uration, yes.

Clint: And I remove the curse from… something.

Griffin: You— you pick up the locket. Lup says

Lup: Mission accomplished! And just in time!


Griffin: All of you are starting to—

Travis: I toss him his ear back. I don’t want it, it’s gross.

Griffin: All of you are starting to sort of get spirited away back to your home, and Merle, you take this wand and tap it to the locket, and the wand glows green for just a moment, and when that light fades, you can see, just as you’re about to be pulled away, that—

Clint: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…

Justin: Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and let Griffin— go ahead.

Griffin: You can see that your hands are empty. [audience reacts] And Lup, seeing this, says

Lup: SON OF A—


Griffin: And then all of you are teleported away. [music] And then we see the front of the Grand Grimaldis Casino, fire alarms are blaring and fancily-dressed folks are running out the doors, trying to get to safety, and the casino security personnel are evacuating, too, and we see one of those security crew members, a young man with bushy red hair make a beeline for the crowd of visitors, disappearing into the mass. And then he reappears on the other side, only now he is not wearing a security uniform anymore. You see Terry walking confidently away from the casino in a sharp black tuxedo, and in front of him, a green light begins to materialize, and he smiles and reaches into the light, and he retrieves the prize you just teleported right into his hands: a wrinkled fifteen-dollar bill. And he delicately folds it and places it into his breast pocket, and, turning away from the flaming casino, he looks directly into the camera.

And he winks.

That is the end of our adventure, thank you so much for coming! Goodbye!

[Outro Music: “Doing Some Crime”]

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