Balance – Episode 7: Moonlighting: Chapter One/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:

Griffin: Gundren is suddenly completely engulfed in flame, and Killian says:

Killian [frantically]: Time to go!

Griffin: —and she’s pointing, in the center of town, at a well. The three of you dive into the well. As you look up through a small circle of light, all you see is flame. Above you just as—

Travis: Well, tits.

Griffin: —a giant burst of flame. Phandalin’s gone. The entire town, where it used to be, you look around, and all that you can see is black glass. A circle of black glass on the ground.

Travis: Well, this all sucks.

Griffin: Uh, she suddenly looks over and sees the gauntlet again. She says, um:

Killian: If you’ve already escaped the thrall of that thing, you can collect it, and we can take it somewhere where it will never do anything like this ever again.

Griffin: You see a glass sphere, and a giant balloon pops out, a, basically, a hot-air balloon. One of those two moons in the night sky is getting much larger.

Taako [surprised]: Guys, the moon’s expanding!

Griffin: And suddenly, you have gone into the moon. And Killian says, uh:

Killian: Well guys, hold onto your butts.

Clint: Okay, I roll a, uh, butt-holding. [a die clatters] Okay, 14 on holding my butt.

[theme music starts playing]

Announcer: What will our heroes find on the moon? I hope it’s not aliens, because I’m afraid of those. It’s The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]

Griffin: The four of you, in your magic hot- hot air balloon pod, uh, emerge, uh, into light. [Justin gasps dramatically] The light temporarily blinds the- the four of you, because, you know, you were just in a dark- dark tunnel, for- for quite some time. Uh, but you emerge, and it’s bright, and as your eyes sort of adjust, uh, you get a good look at the room around you through the sort of glass, uh, exterior of this, uh, magic floating sphere. Uh-

Travis: Paint us a word picture, Griffin.

Griffin: Here goes. [He clears his throat.]

Justin: He’s trying to.

Griffin: Nope! [Clint laughs] Let me reach into my uh, my... chest, of ink, and here comes… the adjectives. [Travis snorts] I’m gonna unpack— [amused] I’m gonna unpack my adjectives. [Travis laughs]

Justin: Remember, show, don’t tell. [giggling continues]

Griffin: You are in a dome-shaped room. Um... almost has sort of a, uh, a— an Epcot ball feel to it, if you can imagine what the interior of the Epcot ball— [stutters] Do they ever let people inside that thing?

Travis: Yes.

[Griffin, Justin, and Travis start talking at the same time]

Travis: It’s called the Spaceship Earth.

Justin: Inside of it is the World of Energy, right?

Griffin: Okay, well, imagine that. Um…

Clint: Is that where Figment lives?

Justin: Nah, he lives in the world of imagination with Dreamcatcher.

Clint: Oh.

Travis: [jokingly aggressive] Get your shit together, Clint.

Griffin: Hey guys, guess what? This is the world of imagination. You’re in—

Clint: A-HA!!

[everyone starts talking at the same time]

Clint: —HA! SO, SUCK IT!

Griffin: One of the gerblins you killed—

Justin: That’s a weird reaction to being in the world of imagination. [laughing] But, all right.

Travis: World of imagination, suck it!

Griffin: One of the gerblins that you actually killed in the last chapter was, uh, was Figment. You didn’t even-

Travis: [laughing] Oh, no!

Griffin: Maybe you should ask people’s names before you just slaughter them. Um, uh, so yeah, you’re in the interior of this, uh, dome-like structure. Uh. The exterior of the dome is sort of made out of these, uh… uh, glowing triangles of- of glass. Uhh. It’s a very ornate, uh, structure. And you get the impression that this is some sort of hangar, uh, for these- these balls that you just traveled in. Um. And you see some people. You see people, all sort of - dressed in uh, uh, blue and white soldiers’ garb.

You see, on, uh, one end of the room, uh, there are some sort of, uh, holes in the floor, uh, that you think, you know, could be other- other tunnels. Mounted on top of those are these giant cannons. Uh. And you don’t see any, like, y’know, shells or cannonballs or anything like that but- but you see these big, big cannons on one end of the room. Uh...And… the, the— You realize that you have emerged on to, sort of a- a landing platform. Uh.

Travis: Does there appear to be like, a gift shop? Or like, some kind of like... restaurants?

Griffin: No, you think maybe it’s— maybe there’s, you know, another dome with a gift shop in it. Um -

Travis: Oh, so like, dome B is where like Delta-

Griffin: Maybe there’s a dome— Dome Beta, and that’s where the Chili’s To Go is.


Justin: [loudly, shocked] Chili’s To Go is the words I was about to say with my mouth, and then you said ‘em, and I hate you.

[laughing continues]

Griffin: [amused] It’s the only other restaurant, other than Cinnabon, that exists in every airport. Um.

Travis: No, sometimes there’s Max and Erma’s.

Griffin: That’s true.

Justin: In an airport?

[everyone starts talking]

Justin: I’ve never seen that.

Griffin: [loudly] Fantasy time! Fantasy time!

[the talking continues]

Travis: Fantasy time! Fantasy Max and Erma’s. Magical Max— Miracle Max and Erma’s.

Justin: Maxeth and Erma-eth!


Justin: Ye Olde Max’s and Erma’s Tavern!

Griffin: [amused] Apothecary. [more serious] Uh, okay. Uh, Killian taps on the- the uh, wall of the glass sphere, and the uh, hole that you guys boarded in opens up, uh, and she climbs out. And uh, tr - entreats the three of you to follow her. Uh, She- she walks down a flight of stairs off the landing platform that you guys have emerged onto. And, as soon as you, uh, sort of cross the threshold of the sphere and, uh, place feet on solid earth— Well, kind of solid earth. Solid… moon? I dunno. Uh… the three of you get kinda dizzy. You get- you get kinda nauseous and disoriented, uh, a little bit. Almost like the— as you look around and sort of take in your surroundings, the more you look around, the more you get a little, uh, lightheaded and- and foggy.

Travis: We did survive the explosion in Phandalin, right? Like, this isn’t heaven, right?


[Justin vocalizes an angelic chord]

Griffin: Ca— I— Yeah. Roma Downey, uh, reaches over and says “Surprise!” Um. No. Uh—

Travis: Griffin’s like “Surprise! I’m fake!”

Justin: Griffin’s like the creators of Lost, and we immediately guess that this is purgatory and now he’s trying to cover it up by creating some other BS scenario about why it’s not purgatory.

Griffin: But, spoiler alert, it’s purgatory.

Justin: It is. Wait til the end. It is.

Griffin: Um. Uh, yeah, so, so Killian, y’know, turns back and sees you sort of reeling, uh, as you, uh, descend the stairs, and says:

Killian: Oh, by the way, things are going to be a little… weird, for, a bit, but I- I promise that’s gonna pass. Um.

Travis: Just stick with your buddy, drink some orange juice.

Killian: Yeah, take, take- take these, lie down, ‘cause you don’t want to faint on these stairs. Um, that’ll be bad news bears. Uh, but I promise I’m gonna get you guys taken care of very quickly, I just need to, uh, run out and - and get you all authorised, really quick. Uh. It’ll take just a few minutes but please, just like, hang out here, uh, sit down, uh, take it easy, don’t over-exert yourselves and you— you’re gonna be just fine.

Griffin: And she turns around and walks out of uh a-a door, from this uh, dome-shaped hangar.

Travis: So, do you guys wanna like, pop a squat? Just like, have a seat?

Justin: Yeah, I’ll just— let’s just— let’s just chill.

Travis: Yeah, so we just sit down on the stairs. You know?

Griffin: Cool.

Travis: Take a minute to like, think about what has led us to this point in our lives.

Clint: Wow.

Griffin: Yeah. That would be good. Like, any backstory at all, um, would be—

Travis: [offended] I wrote out a four-page long backstory, you said it was too serious.

Griffin: Yeah, dude, ‘cause it was, like, wicked, mad, serious. Um—

Clint: And listen, I want to tell you— somebody leaked it, because I’ve been getting all these tweets, “Wow, did ya see Magnus’ backstory?” How did that happen?

Travis: I didn’t leak it.

Justin: How did that get to the press, Travis?

Travis: I did not leak it.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Clint: [mutters] I’m just sayin’...

Griffin: [skeptically] Someone hacked your internet.

Travis: Might be somebody in my— in my entourage.

Griffin: Your posse. Okay. Uh, there are two guards sort of watching the door that Killian just uh, just walked through. Um, and one of them turns and looks at you kind of sympathetically. The other one is, uh, unmoved. Imagine the, uh, what are they called? The, the Downton Abbey guards— No, wait. [laughs] Downton Abbey’s not what it’s called. Those guards at the—

Justin: That’s not a real place.

Griffin: That’s not a real place, nor did they have guards!

Travis: You know, where the Queen lives! At Downton Abbey!

Griffin: Um. One of these, one of these two, uh, very stoic guards turns and looks at you sort of sympathetically, and kind of waffles for a bit and then ultimately—

Travis: He makes waffles?

Griffin: He uh, he- breaks his- his post and walks over to you guys and reaches into his jacket and pulls out a flask and, and hands it— just sort of holds it in your guys’ directions just like, “Here.” Hold on, let me come up with a voice for this guy. [lower voice] “Here, uh” – [normal voice] see, that’s just my voice, but lower. [someone laughs]

Guard: Here, uh, you guys should uh, you guys should drink this. It’s— trust me, it’ll help.

Justin [quickly]: I’ll take it.

Guard: Oh, uh, okay. Eager beaver.
Taako: I hope this is Go-Gurt.
Guard: Uh, it’s- it’s not, it’s brandy, but it’s uh, it’ll help.

Justin: I tried it, and it is Go-Gurt.

Griffin: No, it’s—

Travis: Roll for Go-Gurt.

Griffin: No, I—

Justin: It’s a character choice I’m making, it’s definitely Go-Gurt.

Griffin: Okay, but see, the flask is not a character—

Travis: Taako tastes Go-Gurt whenever he drinks libations.


Griffin: Everything Taako drinks magically transmogrifies— that was the first spell Taako ever cast, and now it’s a terrible curse.

Justin: And I can’t get it off.

Clint: Go-Gurtation.

Taako: Everything tastes like Go-Gurt, darling.

Griffin: It’s a Sisyphean curse, Griffin uh, he thought it was going to be 24/7 Go-Gurt party, but no, he’s got like mad scurvy. Um. Ok, so you –

Taako: No, wait, I don’t, because it’s key lime Go-Gurt. So that’s fine. On the scurvy front I’m cool.

Travis: Read a book,

Taako: Read a book.

Griffin: Are you passing the- the uh, flask around? Are you hoarding it all to yourself?

Clint: Don’t bogart that flask.

Taako: Uh. Let me roll to see if I’m full. (dice rolling). Yes, I’m full, I pass it over to, um, Magnus.

Travis: I take a swig. It’s delicious.

Griffin: It is delicious –

Guard: That is delicious brandy, that’s uh, that’s from my hometown of Brand- Brandybu- Brandybuck.
Magnus: I’m really glad you’re not from Phandalin.
Guard: Why is that?
Magnus: No reason.
Guard: I’ve got an uncle in Phandalin, uh, were you just there?
Taako: Correction, darling, you had an uncle in Phandalin!


Guard: Oh, uhh--
Magnus: He was probably away on business, he’s probably fine.
Guard: Well I didn’t – I mean, he wasn’t like my favorite uncle or anything, but uh –
Magnus: Good news!
Merle: Just check with the executor of his will, I mean, just sayin’.

Travis: Nope, the executor’s dead too.

Griffin: As you uh, as you uh, as you guys swig this brandy, you find that the dizziness is sort of passing a little bit. You don’t know if, uh, you know, there is some sort of – if it’s neutralizing whatever is sort of happening or if you’re just getting a little drunk, um, but- but it is helping out.

Merle: None for me, none for me.
Guard: Are you sure?
Merle: Yeah, I’m a cleric, I- I need to set an example for my coworkers.
Guard: You’re Merle, right? I heard a rumor that you had 1,999 party points.


Merle: Okay, alright, one little drink.
Guard: No, listen, I don’t want to peer pressure you. If you don’t want it, that’s fine.

Travis: Drink it.

Merle: Most of those party points deal with piñatas.

Griffin: Okay. Uh. You drink it, and it just makes you, like, better than- than Magnus and Taako? You just, you are more sociable and more personable because of this.

Clint: Oh, okay!

Griffin: Uh. Because of all the party points. Um. He uh, he takes the flask back, and he says,

Guard: I know things are gonna be pretty confusing for a little while, I know that you’ve got the- the static-y stuff going on, I know that you’re kinda dizzy. And uh, listen, every single person that you’re gonna meet up here, you know, went through the same thing, so don’t worry. Trust me, it’s gonna get a lot, a lot better really soon, and we’re all really, really excited to have you.
Magnus: [aside] Do you guys know this guy?
Merle: Taako, use your- your ways, get some information.
Guard: Sorry, my name is uh, Avi.
Taako: There you have it! [two people laugh] He wasn’t going to say that, and I made him say that.
Merle: Ah-fee?
Guard (Avi): Avi. A-V-I, it’s uh, it’s uh, yeah. It’s actually a very common name in Brandy...buck. I think Brandybuck might be a Lord of the Rings thing, but here we are.


Magnus: No going back now!
Taako: Certainly not to Phandalin!

Griffin: He says, uh, he says uh:

Avi: After everything’s over, why don’t you guys come find me if you, ya know, want to hang out, or whatever. I like to-
Magnus: We’ll bro out.
Avi: Yeah, we’ll just, you know, lift some weights or something. Whatev- whatever you guys like to do. It’s all up to you. I like to lift some weights, so that’s why I suggested that.
Magnus: That sounds totally great. We need a minute just to process everything that’s going on though, so like… I think we’re good.

Griffin: Just then, as soon as you say, “We need a minute just to process everything,” uh, Killian comes back into the room and says,

Killian: Okay, you guys are clear! Uh, just uh, follow me, and we can get this show on the road.

Travis: Hold on.

Taako: Bye, Aa-vee!

Travis: Okay, I follow her.

Avi: Nice to meet you guys, you seem like real sweet dudes.
Taako: Right on!

Griffin: Um. You walk out of the hangar, um, and see that in- indeed you are, uh, surrounded by more of these sort of dome-shaped buildings, these uh, Epcot ball-esque buildings. Uh. And they are of varying sizes. Um. You’re standing on almost like a grassy field, it’s actually very lush, very well kept, um, better than you, uh, assumed some sort of secret moon base was capable of producing. Uh. And- and, as you look--

Travis: [laughs] This goes against everything I’ve ever thought about secret moon bases!


Griffin: Uh, and as you--

Clint: It’s got astroturf!

Griffin: No, it’s real grass. It’s real— it’s nice stuff. It’s the best grass— it’s the best grass, that’s it. That’s all there is to it. [laughter] This is, this is—

Clint: Well that explains - that explains Avi’s demeanor in there.

Griffin: I reach— [bursts out laughing] It’s not—! You’re not walking on ganj!

Travis: We walk into a field of weed!

Griffin: No, it’s- it’s just really good grass. And I’m gonna put my word paintbrush away, now that I’ve uh, reached the pinnacle.

Justin: I think it’s starting to dry out a bit.

Griffin: Uh, a- and as you look above you, you actually see the night sky. This is not some sort of covered installation; you can see the night sky. There’s only one moon above you, uh, presumably because you are on top of the other one? Which doesn’t exactly make sense quite yet. Uhh. It’s not like a curved—

Justin: Can I ask a question?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah.

Justin: As near as we can tell, is this moon— is the place we’re in, like, a façade? Or is it where we would have thought the other moon would have been? Like--

Griffin: Why don’t you make a— you guys can make investigation checks if you wanna try and figure it out.

Travis: I got a 9?

(dice rolling)

Travis: Is investigation a skill? Yeah, I got a 9.

Clint: 14.

Griffin: Taak-o? [with the emphasis on the wrong syllable]

Justin: 19.

Griffin: 19. Um, yeah, just sort of, uh, judging by the area of this sort of base, uh, which i- which is not, like, huge, right? It’s almost like about a football field? In- in diameter. It’s- it’s, you know, it’s not the area of a moon. So, yeah, you- you get the impression that whatever you just went through was some sort of, uh, façade, almost like this is some sort of like uh, I don’t know, whatever you’re standing on is- is behind a very elaborate prop, a very elaborate sort of set piece.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Um. You don’t see the second moon in the sky anywhere though, so that’s about all that you can suss out with your investigation. Uh. Killian is leading you across this uh, this [laughing] quad, if you will, to um, to a dome, uh, that is a little bit smaller, a little bit shallower than the other ones that you’re surrounded by. Uh. But it does have this sort of, uh, large, uh, spear sticking out of the top of it, almost like the— imagine, like, the Washington Monument uh, coming- coming out of the top of it. Only, this spear seems to be made of a completely translucent crystal, or perhaps also glass. A lot of glass up here. You get- you get the impression that these people are into glass, and they’re into—

Clint: And grass.

Griffin: Glass, grass, and ass. Nobody- nobody rides on this—


Justin: Everybody has a great, amazing ass.

Clint: Nobody rides for free.

Griffin: Everybody’s ass is amazing.

Travis: Top notch.

Griffin: Top- top notch.

Justin: Are our ass— do I feel like my ass is better since I’ve been here?

Griffin: No, you actually feel worse about, sort of, your ass. Like, you don’t feel great about it, just standard. Your standard state, like your baseline, is not like super proud of your own butt.

Justin: Listen, if I don’t tell you there’s Go-Gurt in your flask, you don’t tell me how I feel about my hind end, okay?


Griffin: Alright.

Justin: Let’s just have some boundaries.

Griffin: That’s a fine agreement. Killian is leading you into, uh, this- this dome with the spear sticking out of the top of it. Uh. She- she takes you inside, and there’s just sort of one thing in this room, and it’s a, uh, very, uh, large sort of column in the center of the room with doors on it, and she—

Travis: Is it Zordon?

Griffin: It is not Zordon, no. She, uh, rolls up her sleeve and takes out that bracer with the rune on it that I uh, uh, described to you guys in the last installment that she used to summon the - the glass sphere. And, uh, the door seems to react to it and opens up into what looks like uh, an elevator car, and Killian says,

Killian: I can’t actually, uh,  go- go with you guys down there. Um, It’s- it’s sort of high- high-security, but, uh, yeah, this is- this is where you need to go next.

Travis: We do that.

Clint: [in a smooth announcer voice] Attention fan artists, Killian’s bracer might be a wonderful suggestion.

Griffin: There’s actually been a lot of Killian fanart. She has become a beloved character. Much more so, I would actually say, than the three of you. And I get it.

Travis: We’re gonna have to do a spin-off.

Griffin: Yeah, The Killian Mysteries.

Justin: Killin’ It.

Griffin: Killin’ It, with Killian. Uh. You three step onto the elevator, and you actually hear the- the doors to this dome open up once more, and you hear a guy go,

Guy: [with a mopey voice] Uh, can you hold the elevator please? Can you hold the elevator?

Clint: [in a similar voice] Not your doorman.

Guy: Can you hold the elevator please?

Travis: I start jamming on the button for the door close real quick, like “c’mon, c’mon.”

Griffin: Okay, the door’s—

Travis: Wait, we hold the door.

Griffin: Okay.

Guy: Thanks, guys.

Griffin: This half-elf man, uh, who is dressed in, uh, sort of silly colorful clothing. He’s- he’s wearing, uh, he’s not really wearing the standard-issue uniform that you’ve seen from the, the people walking around this campus. Uh. He is wearing some, uh, a bard’s garb, uh, if you will. Uh. Feathered cap and everything, pantaloons, billowing pantaloons. [Justin giggles] Uh. He has a uh, uh, violin sort of strapped to his back— a fiddle, actually, strapped to his back. He’s carrying a few rolls of parchment, uh, onto the elevator with you, and he says uh,

Guy: Okay, can you press the button now?
Magnus: Yeah?
Guy: Guess we’re goin' to the ground floor.
Taako: No problem. Do you, uh - do you work here?
Guy: Yeah. What gave it away? Was it the fact that I’m, like, here? No, no, man, I’m uh, no I just- I got lost and I ended up on a moon base. [short pause] I’m just kidding.
Magnus: That’s a good kid.
Taako: No, no, it’s funny.
Merle: Yeah.
Magnus: That was solid.

[loud, obviously fake laughter]

Taako: Um, no, ‘cause we’re here, and we don’t work here, so we just… thought… or, I dunno.
Guy: Oh, are you guys- Are you guys initiates or whatever? [unenthusiastic] That’s cool.
Taako: [uncertain] Yeaaaaaahhh, yeah…..initiates…

Travis: Sure. I hit the button.

Griffin: Okay.

[Travis makes a “bing bong” sound]

Griffin: The uh- the elevator doors close and you start to descend. Um, this— this bard looks very sullen. He looks very uh, he looks really bummed out. If his voice didn’t give it away, this is not what you’d typically call a happy person.

Travis: I tickle him.

Guy: [glumly] Okay. [with no change in tone] Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee— Stop.


Guy: Stop. Stop. Hee hee hee -

Clint: Can we have him sound like Michael Bolton?

Griffin: [in a monotone voice] This what he sound— That’s what Michael Bolton sounds like when he talks.

Clint: That’s what I- that’s what I thought.

Griffin: [monotone] You just— you don’t hear it ‘cause he’s always singing. If Michael—

Travis: I tickle him again.

Guy: Hee hee hee hee. Stop it for— Stop it, seriously.

Travis: He pees a little bit.

Guy: No, I don’t.
Merle: May I ask your name? Garb bard— barded garber?

Travis: Nailed it.

Justin: [imitating the guy] It’s Victor Garber.


Guy: Uh. My name is Johann.
Merle: Ah.
Magnus: Okay.
Johann: Uh— What’s— what do you guys—?
Magnus: What’s— what’s wrong, dude?
Taako: What seems to be bothering you?
Johann: [sighs] Everything, I guess. If you think about it, just sort of like, where I ended up. Like, my life choices and—
Magnus: You’re on a moon! That’s pretty great.
Taako: [excited] Yeah! You’re a bard!
Johann: [sighs] I guess that’s true, I mean I don’t get a lot of customers. The problem is, fellas, if I’m going to be frank with you—

[Travis and Justin both try to say “I thought your name was Johann!”]

Johann: [tired] Yeah. Good one, assholes.


Taako: Well, mine wasn’t a joke. I’m an idiot.
Merle [encouraging]: Go ahead, bud, tell us what’s on your mind. What’s bothering you?
Taako: What’s eatin’ ya, Johann?
Johann: I’m, uh… I’m like the greatest violinist basically ever.
Magnus: Oh, okay.
Johann: I mean, I— don’t see any point in being like, humble about it. I don’t wanna lie to you guys, I’m basically like the best violinist ever. Um... but nobody’s ever gonna know who I am and that— I dunno, it just gets to me sometimes, you know?

Travis: I put my hand on his shoulder and say

Magnus: We know who you are, Frank.
Johann [annoyed]: Don’t fucking tickle me again, man. [Travis starts laughing] I’m not.. I’m like… an adult man, and you’re an adult man.
Merle: Magnus. Easy.

Travis: I tickle him.



Johann [monotone]: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. [annoyed] Stop it.

Griffin: Um, he, uh, he pulls out his violin and he’s like:

Johann: Would you guys actually mind if I— if I played for you?
Taako: Threw it away?
Johann: No.
Merle: No, no no.

Travis: Griffin, would I have to roll to see if I smash his violin?

Johann: Oh— don’t— I— Please don’t.

[Justin laughs]

Merle: Will you do Devil Went Down to Georgia?
Johann: No. But I—
Merle: [in a stage whisper] I think he’s really Charlie Daniels.
Johann: I’ll do As— Asmodeus Went Down to Phandalin.


Merle: No don’t do that. No. No.

Griffin: Uh. He starts to play a song on his violin, that is in fact, the most god damn gorgeous piece of music the three of you have either- ever, ever heard. Taako, even you, an imbecile, uh, can— can recognize the, the beauty of the tune that this- this sad, sad bard is playing for you. His claims are a hundred percent accurate. He is the most incredible musician any of you have ever heard. [stutters] You guys are moved to tears. You can make a check to see if you’re moved to tears, but it’s gonna be a really—

Travis: No, Magnus is, because it’s one of my personality traits.

[dice clattering]

Griffin: Is that he’s, he cries—

Justin: Uh, eight.

Griffin: Eight? Yeah, you’re crying.

Clint: Six.

Griffin: Merle— Six. Crying even harder than Taako. And Magnus—

Clint: Snot bubbles. I got snot bubbles.

Griffin: You’re crying harder— har— Travis, you’re just- Magnus, you’re just [wailing sounds] just wailing, and gnashing, just—

Travis: Keening. That’s the word you’re looking for. I’m keening.

Griffin: You’re just slamming yourself against the side of this elevator, just— [wailing sounds], uh, and he stops—

Justin: Can I roll to see if the irony of us hearing the most beautiful music ever in an elevator dawns on me?


Griffin: Uh, no, it just— it does. Uh. Man, I didn’t— I really didn’t think about that when I wrote this. Uh.

Clint: Is it Girl from Ipanema?

Travis: He plays the song and it goes like this: [Travis and Clint start humming Girl From Ipanema]

Griffin: Great. Um. He says, uh, he stops, uh, he stops bowing, he puts his violin back—

Justin: Sorry, is it called bowing?

Griffin: Yeah, I think so.

Justin: Okay, I didn’t know.

Griffin: Uh, and he says, uh,

Johann: See, I told you guys. [sighs] Oh, gosh.
Merle: That was absolutely beautiful.

Travis: Magnus picks himself up off the floor.

Griffin: Yeah. You— you guys are, like, intimidated by this person now, maybe. It’s, this- this is-- it was amazing, you guys. I can’t even try and like, fake it out.

Travis: Sing it, Griffin.

Griffin: I can’t even do it! ‘Cause it was- it was too beautiful, it was- it was amazing. You think to yourselves, like, “I will never forget this moment when I heard this dope-ass tune.”

Travis: Is it better or worse than Call Me Maybe?

Griffin: Uhh. It- equal.

Justin: Wow.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Wow.

Justin: Schwow.

Clint: All right, when you put in those terms…

Griffin: Uhhh. Suddenly you hear—

Magnus: Johann, why aren’t- why aren’t you using this gift out in the world? You should be like, singing before, or, playing before kings!
Johann: It’s, it’s in the contract, you guys, it’s uh, you know, it’s— I wish there was something I could do about it. I’m not complaining, like, it’s hard out there, to find a job as a bard.
Magnus: [laughing]: In this economy?
Johann: In this economy, not a lot— you don’t get a lotta tips, you get a lot of, uh, y’know, staying in unclean lodging, there’s a lot of— there’s a lot of syphilis, just like, a lot of syphilis. Like, a lot, you guys—
Magnus: In the contract?
Johann: Guys, there’s like, a lot of syphilis.


Johann: [with Merle] An unconscionable amount of syphilis.
Merle: [with Johann] So who, who do you work for? Who signs that check?
Magnus: This is a really slow elevator.
Johann: Yeah, well, yeah. It’s a fantasy elevator, so…


Griffin: Suddenly you hear- you hear from the fantasy elevator: [high pitched] bing! [lower pitch] bong! And the uh, the doors slide open and he says:

Johann: Well—

Clint: Thank god.

Griffin: He says, uh,

Johann: First floor, menswear. Just kidding.

Griffin: And he walks out.


Travis: I wanna roll to see if I get it.

Griffin: Uh. He- he walks out, uh,--

Travis: I do.

Griffin: The door has opened up into, uh, a sort of short, uh, hallway with a very large, very secure door at the other end of it. And in this hallway standing rank-in-file on either side is, uh, like fourteen guards. Uh, this is a very, very secure area, uh he the the bard Johann walks forward and, you know, sort of makes it past them without any issue. Uh and he turns and he says:

Johann: Oh these, these guys are new recruits - they’re going to get inoculated so don’t worry about them.

Griffin: And all the guards sort of right their spears and allow you to pass.

Taako: Wait! Before we take another step… I don’t see any menswear...


Johann: You’re um… You’re like, really dumb, yeah?
Taako: I’ve-
Merle: OR…
Taako: Or…
Merle: Crazy like a fox!
Taako: Crazy like— maybe I’m dumb like a fox.
Johann: Okay.

Griffin: Um. He puts his— he rolls up his sleeve. He also has one of these bracers, and he taps it on the secure door and uh, one of the guards walks over and, uh, does the same with his own bracer. You notice all of them have this same bracer, um—

Justin: This is definitely going to be our first toy, right? Like, when Mattel comes a-calling, like—

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: Uh-huh.

Justin: Like, weird fantasy bracer that Killian wears is gonna be our first—

Travis: You know how Mattel’s always on the lookout for toys to make, off of podcasts—

Griffin: I mean—

Justin: Yeah, Mattel’s on the look- lookout for podcast toys.

Griffin: You-


Travis: Toy microphone from WTF, with Marc Maron!

Griffin: The uh, the rune on the bracer— I’m gonna try and describe it, I have the shape, it’s just going to be difficult to describe with words. Um, im- imagine sort of two- two triangles, uh, isosceles triangles— that’s when they all have the same angle, yeah?

Clint: Yah.

Justin: That’s equilateral.

Griffin: Is it?

Clint: Yes.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Mhmm.

Justin: Oh, I dunno.

Travis: I just want to point out, Dad agreed with both of those sentences. In like, an equal like— “That’s isosceles, right?” “Yes.” “I think that’s equilateral.” “Yes.”

Griffin: So, two— there are two- two triangles, sort of, uh, stacked on top of each other, uh, end- point to point. Imagine like a play button, but two of those, almost forming like a, uh, uh, angular ‘B’ shape. Do you have that in mind? Can you comprehend those shapes?

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: And then, uh, another set of those, but backwards, and- and pointing inward. To— so four triangles, all sort of pointing- pointing inward to each other, creating a diamond-esque shape. That i- that is the, uh, shape of this rune on everybody’s bracer.

Griffin: But as you look around you actually notice that there are some, uh, banners, uh, hanging on the walls of this hallway, you’ve actually seen it out on the- the campus, uh, uh, that has the same shape on it, so maybe this is some sort of company logo or insignia.

Travis: Now, Griffin, just to clarify, at this point we met a dude who wanted to lift weights with us. We walked across a quad, and we’ve been travelling through a campus.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah.

Travis: Are we at a college?

Griffin: No. Well, maybe.

Travis: Okay.


Griffin: Um, the secure door opens after the second security guard walks over and taps his- his bracer to it. Um. And the room that opens up is very large and very dark, um, save for a tank in the middle. Uhh, the- the tank is sort of lit from underneath, uh, showing sort of a dark, opaque liquid, uh, floating inside of it, um, and something is in there. You- you can- you can sort of make out the shadow of something, uh, from this under-lighting. But you can’t really get your eyes to focus on whatever this thing is. Um, you, you hear some sort of whale sounds, if you will, which puts the three of you in the mood, for reasons that you don’t really understand. [someone snorts] Uhhm. Yeah you- you can make out sort of a [wimpy whale noise]— Wait, hold on, god.

Travis: You can do it.

Griffin: [better whale noises]

Justin: Like somebody’s watching Star Trek 4 in the next room.

Griffin: Imagine that chamber from Star Trek 4, yeah. A whale chamber. But the- the— I-- it’s not a whale in there, you can’t— Again when you try to, like, focus your eyes on this thing to see it, to like really, uh, ascertain its- its silhouette or shape, you can’t, your eyes just don’t seem capable of doing it. Um. a-an--

Justin: Is the sensation similar to the audio sensation that we get when we hear, like, Killian talk about, um, her organization? Just like a-an inability to hear?

[someone makes a static noise]

Griffin: Um, you get that sensation a little bit. And also this- this dizziness and, um, disorientation that you felt since you stepped foot, uh, onto the- the base is overwhelming here. The- the three of you are almost reeling. Um.

Clint: I think we need the flask again.

Griffin: Uh. You don’t- you don’t have it. Avi- Avi kept that for himself. The bard walks over, and— walks over to the base of this tank. There’s a very large, uh, heavy base, uh, to this tank which stretches up all the way to the ceiling. Um. And in this- and in this, uh, base he opens up a flap, uh, he opens up a uh, panel in the base and puts his uh, puts his rolls of parchment inside, and closes the flap and pulls a lever right next to it, and he says:

Johann: There goes another great composition.

Griffin: And you see the parchment float up, into the tank. You see some sort of tendril reach out, wrap itself around it, and pull it towards the mass, and then all of a sudden this beautiful music that the three of you just heard, you can’t seem to make it out. You can’t seem to— y- you knew that this was the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard and you would never forget it, but you can’t seem to remember the melody. You can’t seem to remember that moment at all. You remember that this guy played music for you, but when you try to remember the music itself, the- that memory just isn’t there anymore. Which is very sad.

Justin: I treasured that memory, and now it’s gone.

Griffin: And the bard says:

Johann: Okay, feeding time’s over. Uh. You guys ready for stuff to get weird?


Clint: Start?

Griffin: Um, he walks the three of you over to a spigot on the side of this tank and takes out three vials. And, um--

Clint: Oh… no...

Griffin: Opens up the spigot and this black, inky liquid, uh, pours into each one, [various noises of disgust and discontent] and he hands you, uh, these three vials and says, uh:

Johann: Uh, this isn’t gonna taste great, it sort of—
Magnus: I bet it tastes like Go-Gurt.
Johann: It sort of has the consistency of Go-Gurt, um, so not a lot of people get down on that. Um. But I’ll- I’ll warn you guys, once you drink that, um, there really isn’t any going back.
Magnus: Going back from what?
Merle: Going to what?
Johann: From not- from not drinking it.
Magnus: Okay so once we drink it, we can’t un-drink it, is what you’re saying, Johann, very helpful.
Johann: That’s basically—
Merle: Johann’s very pragmatic!
Johann: Well, I don’t- I don’t- I don’t- I just cut through the bullshit, you know?

Justin: That’s Johann. [laughs]

Travis: That’s Johann, straight shooter.

Justin: Can I do a… [makes clicking noises with his mouth while he thinks]

Griffin: Flavor check?

Clint: Why don’t we ask him some questions? If we’ve gotta make this big decision, we don’t even know what’s going on!

Justin: We’re not gonna be able to know what’s going on because we can’t—

Travis: I drink the vial.

Justin: —I mean we could try to ask, but—

Clint: Oh, dear god.

Justin: You know what I’m saying? It’s that same— it-- I bet if he tried to— Okay, first off, let me say two things out of character, uh, to you guys.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: First off: Johann wa— Johann didn’t lead us here, right? We told him we were initiates, right?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Justin: Like, are we running a scam, here? Like, if we start asking a bunch of questions is he gonna think that we aren’t initiates? Like--

Clint: Well, Killian brought us here.

Justin: Ye— Killian brought us here, but she didn’t get us past the guards. I don’t know if we’re— I don’t know if we’re, like—

Griffin: She did take you to the elevator, and this elevator’s only got one stop.

Justin: Okay, so this—

Griffin: I should mention that, there was only one button.

Clint: So this is legit.

Travis: I think this is a case of our DM has set up a situation where we’re supposed to drink this thing, and join this club.

Griffin: No, no, no, you do whatever you want.

Clint: I want to know— I want to know more about him.

Travis: Magnus drinks the vial.

Clint: Of course he does.

Justin: Okay, why don’t you, uhh, ask him a few questions, then.

Griffin: Did— Well, if Magnus just drank the vial then we need to resolve some stuff real quick.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: Oh, great.

Travis: I’m all about action! Thought is for dorks.

Griffin: Okay. I almost feel like I should kick dad and Justin off the call while I reveal this— this information to you.

Justin: Uh, Yes, do that, and then that’ll, this’ll be fun.

Griffin: Mkay. Do you guys want to just take your headphones off for a second?

Justin: Yeah, we’ll take our headphones off.

Griffin: Okay, can you hear us Justin? [pause] No. Okay, that was a test. Uh, Travis. Your mind… reels. You immediately remember the music, and you are moved, and you are grateful. But with each passing second, you remember more and more.

You remember Killian telling you, in the mine, asking if you’re there for the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. You remember the Black Spider asking you if you were members of the Bureau of Balance. You remember beyond that, you remember months and months and years beyond that. You remember a war that destroyed entire towns, you remember bloodshed, you remember, uh, vaguely you remember just this uh… carnage and conflict that seems too enormous for you to have possibly forgotten. You lost loved ones in this war, you lost a lot of people you know. It was a time of great turmoil, and you remember it. You don’t remember, the particulars, but you remember it, um. And you look up, and you see in the tank, clear as day…

Travis: Zordon.

Griffin: Almost like Zordon, but not at all, uh, this giant, almost like, jellyfish, with just--enormous, like, it is the size of a whale, but, but, jellyfish-shaped, with thousands of tendrils reaching off its body. And inside of its body, you can almost make out, like, a galaxy, like a swirling nebula of stars and… constellations--

Travis: Am I right to assume that this is beautiful?

Griffin: It’s- it is beautiful, yeah. It’s, I mean it’s, f- f- fucking super weird. Um, you have never seen anything like this and you get the distinct impression that very few people in existence have ever seen anything like this, but the dizziness, the nausea, the disorientation is all gone, and- and your head is, uh, your head is right.

Travis: [pause] Is it erotic in any way?

Griffin: Uh, are you into tentacle stuff? I guess we haven’t addressed that particular character trait.

Travis: [laughing] Nah, nah, that ain’t Magnus’s bag.

Griffin: Nah, you into more—

Travis: Nah, dog.

Griffin: You into a more vanilla sexual experience. Um, so that’s what you, uh, have received, and let’s get the boys back on.

Justin: Hey.

Griffin: Hey. Okay, we’re back. Uh.

Magnus: Oh my god, you guys.

Griffin: Trav— Magnus- Magnus stands before you. His vial is empty. Uh. As he drank it you saw him sort of just sort of stand almost paralyzed, for like a half-minute, um, with his eyes wide open. Uhh.. but now he is standing before you and he is standing upright. He’s not sort of, uh, struggling to get his footing like the two of you are. He’s- he doesn’t seem to be dizzy. He seems… fine.

Magnus: Guys. It’s all clear. I remember everything.

Clint: Perception check. I want to see if he wet his pants.

Griffin: Okay.


Travis: Listen, maybe I did.

Clint: A little.

Travis: That’s between me and my god.

Justin: It may or may not be fla-- vial-related.

Clint: Well let me see— I have an idea. I want to cast the spell of Augury.  

Griffin: Do you have that— you just keep saying you have spells and I never fact-check you.

Travis: Do you want me guys— do you want me to just tell you what happened?

Clint: No! No.

Justin: No.

Clint: It’s really simple. If I cast Augury, all you have to do is tell me— Uh, uh, you look at the next thirty minutes, and you tell us whether it’s going to be good results or bad results.

Travis: Really?

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: That’s it.

Travis: Seems like a super-powerful spell.

Griffin: Okay, go for it.

Clint: So I cast Augury, so you tell us if, within the next— you actually have four choices: weal, which means good results; woe, which is bad results—

Griffin: This is gonna be— You are in a weal and woe situation.

Clint: All right.

Griffin: It’s gonna get— It’s gonna get super fucking weal up in here.

Clint: In the next thirty minutes, it’s gonna be good and bad.

Griffin: Yep.

Magnus: Here’s the thing, you guys. So basically what’s going on is [static] —and in the cave, when we were looking for the— [static] —she was explaining that— [static] —so basically what’s going on is— [static]
Taako: Well this is just annoying now.

Justin: I drink the vial.

Clint: All right. Does he stand there stupefied for a minute?

Magnus: Merle, you should drink.

Clint: All right. Um, I look around. I don’t see the lady carrying the log, or BOB.


Clint: I drink the damn vial.

Griffin: You pound it. The two of you pound it. Um, and then you get the exact same description that I just gave Travis, which I will—

Clint: Oh, I peed my pants!

Griffin: Which I will explain during this commercial break, so I don’t have to do it again.

[Theme music plays]

{40:25 - 46:11} [Commercial Break]

[Theme music plays]

Griffin: Whew! That was note-for-note the same shit. I just crushed it. Great memory, Griffin!

Clint: Okay, I’m sorry, I’m back. What, now?

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: I am going to lose my mind.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: Yeah, Dad had to step out to take a call.

Clint: I’m sorry. What— What’d you say? [laughter] I’m kidding!

Griffin: Oh my god, I was about to cancel, thank you all for listening.


Griffin: Ugh, god.

Justin: Would you put that in the show twice?

Griffin: I don’t know. It was- it was literally the same thing. Um, I think people might just get bored and turn it off. Lot of exposition in there, I don’t want to make them double-expo— exposé. Um.  

Clint: No, that was— sometimes we have to have something inside baseball, just for us.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay. Um, listening audience, they literally just received the exact same shit I just told Travis. They didn’t say anything funny, so before you email asking for the- the stuff on the cutting room floor, there was—

Justin: There is a pretty good lost bit where Dad pretended he hadn’t been here for the whole thing, and then Griffin got angry at him. So if Griffin left that out, it’s because he’s em- embarrassed of losing his composure.

Clint: That’ll be on the Blu-ray. We’ll put that on the Blu-ray.

Griffin: No, I’ll leave that in, that was pretty good. Okay, so back to— we are all on equal knowledge footing. Um.

Taako: Guys, I don’t think that was Go-Gurt.


Griffin: It was a new- it was a new relevation flavor— Revelation flavored Go-Gurt.

Clint: Relevation is good.

Taako: Every time I eat Go-Gurt it’s a reve- relevation.

Justin: [sort of still in the Taako voice] That’s not a word! I said your dumb word!


Griffin: Um, yeah.

Clint: With all those memories that came back--

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: All the— Is there any chance that the memory of shredded lettuce came back?

Justin: [laughing] Do I remember shredded lettuce or chopped tomatoes?

Clint: Come on, give us a little something.

Justin: Pico.

Clint: A little— we remember shredded lettuce.

Griffin: Let me think. [pause] Taako, you harken back to, uh, a time when you were, uh, working on your grandpa’s farm, and you were, uhh— You’re an elf, right?

Justin: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: You, okay, you were the tender age of 65 years old, and [random dice rolls] uh—

Justin: And I was on Tinder.

Griffin: You were on Tinder, and you weren’t paying attention to your farm-ly chores. And, uh, you were- you were beating some milk that you got out of a fantasy cow. You were whipping it, trying to form some sort of cream, and your grandpa… Tostada, walks out and says,

Tostada: [old man voice] Taako, what’re you doing? You’ve been whipping that cream so long in the hot sun, it done turned sour.

Justin: Oh! Count it!

Griffin: So that is— that is uh, that memory sticks out in your mind. It’s very poignant. Um, and you feel like perhaps the Grand Eldritch Mystery has revealed a bit of itself to you once- once again.

Clint: Cream that is sour, what shall we call it?

Justin: I just say, out loud, after I drink the vial, the first words out of my mouth after I drink the vial are: [someone randomly claps]

Taako: Sour cream!


Griffin: You remember a war! A great and terrib—

Justin: I rush to grab my book.

Griffin: —a great and terrible war, where all of your friends— where a lot of your friends died and the first words out of your mouth—

Clint: [simultaneous with Griffin] first words out of his mouth—

Travis: And everyone in the room goes silent for, like, a solid five minutes, just kind of shuffling their feet, and like “Wha— um.”

Justin: I rush to grab my book, which as you all remember is a copy of Uncle John’s Elven Bathroom Reader that I’ve been writing in the margins of, and I scribble down sour cream.

Griffin: That’s your spell— your spellbook is an Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.

Justin: Uncle John’s Elven Bathroom Reader.

Griffin: Well I-- how is it different from the human variation?

Justin: There’s pictures of leaves around the edges.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Okay, it smells of sandalwood.

Clint: Thank you, mighty DM, for sharing that information.

Travis: So, Ditto—

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Griffin, in any of that did we, like, learn anything about the umbrella that we picked up in the dungeon, or anything like that?

Griffin: Nope.

Travis: Huh. ‘Kay.

Griffin: You remember that the, uh— they- they referred to the gauntlet that was at the, uh, you know, that caused all that bad, bad shit to happen— That was what they were referring to as the- the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Um. The umbrella? No. And you don’t, like— I might- I might have you guys do, like an investigation check if you want to like, try and deduce what the hell just happened to you.


Travis: Okay.

Justin: Uh, actually, can I do an arcana check?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, sure! If you want.

Justin: Assuming that was magical?

Griffin: Yeah. I- I mean, actually it would be more of a, uh— is there like a—

Justin: Well, I wouldn’t know.

Griffin: A nature- a nature check? To try and discern what kind of animal this is?

Justin: I mean, I wouldn’t know whether or not I should use arcana or not. I do want a nature check, but—

Travis: Ditto, I rolled seventeen. So just decide what it needs to be, and that’s what I rolled for.

Griffin: [laughing] No sir, that’s not how we play Dungeons and Dragons.

Travis: But I rolled the dice!

Griffin: That’s not how we play Dungeons and Dragons!

Justin: —that’s an eight.

Griffin: No.

Justin: Okay, so I have an eighteen in arcana, which is like magical... type things I would- I would kno - you - like, sort of how much I know about magical crap.

Griffin: Whatever this...effect was… Um. Alc- alchemy is a school of magic, right, that- that involves sort of potions and unguents, and formulas and stuff like that. So it wasn’t that, and it wasn’t... whatever this was, you get the impression that it wasn’t... magical. No magic here.

Justin: Hmm.

Travis: Alright, well I got a seventeen investigation check, is what I was rolling.

Griffin: Mmkay! With that investigation check, you sort of discern that... everything that has sort of come to your guys’ minds, uh, are memories. And not new information, if that makes sense. You didn’t— uh, if- if you will, you didn’t learn anything. You just, just sort of remembered.

Travis: So— so we, so the world that we live in lived through a terrible war, in which many people died, and then it was just erased from the consciousness of the people.

Clint: Well, from us.

Justin: Uh, well from us, at least, certainly. Griffin, I got a twenty-one in nature.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, I mean this thing looks like a jellyfish, but I mean, jellyfish—

Travis: But it kisses like a man!

Griffin: It’s, I mean it’s the size of a whale and it’s got like a, uh, like stars and shit floating inside of it. So that’s not typical for jellyfish behavior. Um.

Justin: Okay. You heard when I said twenty-one, right?


Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Okay. Just wanted to make sure.

Griffin: Uh. Johann, Johann- uh, uh, sort of looks— eyes the three of you, um, sees that you’ve finished sort of digesting this ichor, and says uh:

Johann: You guys... you guys good?
Magnus: Yeah, yeah, super great.
Johann: Uh.. Bureau of Balance— did you guys hear that? No, no static—
Magnus: Yeah, we got that goin’.
Merle: Yeah.
Magnus: Bureau of Balance.
Merle: Bureau of Balance.
Johann: Sweet, sweet, sweet. Cool. Well—

Clint: Do we remember him?

Merle: Do we remember you, Johann?

Griffin: No. You don’t— I mean, you didn’t forget him—

Justin: From thirty seconds ago, but uh, other than that...

Griffin: Right.

Travis: We’ve not met him before.

Griffin: You never forgot him. Yeah, you’ve just met him today. Um. He says uh:

Johann: Cool. Well, uh, welcome to the... welcome to the club, I guess. Uhm, uh… thanks for taking the uh, the red pill, right? Uh.

Travis: [laughs]

Magnus: What?
Johann: Uh, never mind. Um. So, yeah—

Justin: And we instantly remember The Matrix.


Griffin: You remember the first one, you- you don’t want to remember the second and third ones. Um—

Travis: Griffin, does the jellyfish creature seem to be like responsive, or acknowledging us in any way? Or is it just there, livin’ its own life, like, separate from the world?

Griffin: Yeah it’s floating, it’s moving— it’s not like stationary or dead but it’s not like, it doesn’t have eyeballs to look at you; it’s not holding up a sign saying like “Ha ha you guys just drank my shit,” like—

Clint: [laughter] Well, we did.

Justin: Trav, I wouldn’t grill Griffin too much on it, ’cause I got a 21 in nature, and what I learned from that is that it’s a giant jellyfish and jellyfish aren’t usually giant and don’t normally have stars in them.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: That’s what my— So what this— This is more of a- a rough sketch right now.

Travis: Okay well I clearly recognize this is a special thing; Magnus bows before it, just out of deference and respect.

Griffin: Okay, a—

Clint: And ass-kissing.

Griffin: And uh, and Johann says,

Johann: Wait, what are you doing? What are you—
Magnus: Bowing to your weird jellyfish god.
Johann: Are you bowing?


Johann: It’s not a god. At least, I don’t think so. None of us really know.
Magnus: You don’t know shit, Johann.
Johann: We don’t, that’s, I mean, you’re not a hundred percent wrong. Um. So this thing is the, uh, we call it the voidfish. Um. That’s not, like, I mean, that’s probably not its real name.
Magnus: Did you guys, like, take a long time to come up with that one?
Johann: Uh, I actually spun that one just sort of straight off the dome, um, and it just kind of stuck.
Merle: Is it because it’s been— it’s been voiding into that water we just drank?


Johann: Um, no. I mean, yeah. But that’s not why it’s called that. Um. Yeah, we- I mean, it’s the only one, like, ever. So. Those kinds of things typically don’t get named, so we just sort of stuck with voidfish, and, um, it’s pretty cool. Um, if you, like, if you feed it— It feeds on- on um, information, and then whatever information you give it, it just sort of… removes from, from, well, from existence. It just sort of stops- stops existing, unless you’ve been- been inoculated and- and drank— “drank from the tank” is what we say down - [Travis giggles] - down here in the game-keeping department so-.
Magnus: So that’s why Johann’s so bummed out. ‘Cause he has to write these songs, and then let the voidfish consume them.
Johann: Yeah, that’s— that’s sort of my job here, to keep this thing, y’know, fat- fat and happy, ‘cause man, if it dies, we’re all fucked. Um. So, yeah, I write- I write these compositions and feed him—
Magnus: Why?
Johann: Why?
Magnus: Yes, why? What serv— Aside from letting people drink its poop, what service is it providing?


Johann: It might be— hold on— It might be its pee.


Magnus: Aside from letting people drink its waste—
Johann: It’s not all pee. There’s, like, water and stuff in there too. It’s not just floating around in its own waste. Look at this beautiful goddamn jellyfish. You think this thing is just like a— some sort of poop weirdo?


Magnus: So, but what does it do?
Johann: It makes— It takes— It destroys information. It-- yeah, it just sort of obliviates—
Taako (in Justin voice): But what happens if it— what would happen if it died?
Johann: Then everyone would remember. And that would be—
Magnus: And that would be bad.
Johann: Guys, you’re gonna learn a lot of stuff here in the next, like, uhh, twenty minutes or so. Um, and if all of that— If everyone down there knew that— Well, I mean they used to, and that’s what caused—
Magnus: Okay, super cool, Johann. Who’s in charge, here?
Johann: Uh, that’s the Director. Um. Now- now that you guys have been inoculated, she’ll probably want to see you.
Magnus: Could you take us to her?
Johann: I’m not, I mean, I’m not, like, the valet here. I’m the gamekeeper, but—

[Clint laughs]

Travis: I slip him five bucks.

Johann: [sarcastic] Oh, oh, thank you, sir! [laughter] Oh, wow, five whole dollars!

Travis: And there’s more where that came from.

Justin: Can I just— Can I just double-check on Travis inventing paper currency? Like, that’s...

Clint: [laughs] Hey, put that in the little, uh, chute there.

Griffin: They’re actually— They’re actually Magnus-bucks.


Griffin: Um. It’s a special currency—

Travis: Good at any Magnus location! Not to be used in association with any other Magnus coupons.

Griffin: Uh, he- he points you back towards the, uh, elevator and says,

Johann: Uh, ask one of the guards and they’ll get you there.
Magnus: Okay, thanks.
Johann: Can I just say, though, it’s like nice to meet you guys.
Magnus: [laughing] Super great meeting you too, Johann.
Merle: And let me tell you, Johann. I think that, of all the people we’ve met here, you are the [static] one of all.
Johann: No. That’s not how it works.
Merle: I’m just messing with you!


Travis: Roll to see if Johann finds that funny.

Johann: It wasn’t- but it wasn’t, like, a good joke. ‘Cause, like those typically make sense—

Travis: I said, roll.

Merle: Give me a break, I’ve still got fish poop taste in my mouth.

[dice roll]

Griffin: He rolled a— Oh, my god, the d20 landed on an edge! We’ll never know.

[Travis and Clint laugh]

Griffin: Um. Uh. Yeah, he- he points towards the door and says, uh, uh,

Johann: That way. There you go.

Travis: I tickle him.

Johann: Oh, god.

Griffin: He doesn’t let you. He actually slaps your hand out of the way, with a very deft strike.

Travis: But we both have kind of a winking, like—

Johann: Don’t you fu — no.

Travis: —Like, “ah, that’s good. Remember when we did that before?” ‘Cause we remember now.

Johann: It wasn’t nice to meet you. I take that one back. You two are cool, though.

Travis: I slip him another fiver.

[Justin giggles]

Johann: Thank you. What can I spend these on, though?
Magnus: Um, Magnus merchandise—

Clint: Only at, only at Chuck E. Cheese.

Magnus: —the Magnus experience.
Johann: What’s that?

[Clint laughs]

Magnus: What’s the Magnus experience?
Johann: Yeah, walk me- walk me through it, step-by-step.
Magnus: Well, basically you go through this animatronic, uh, house that’s set up, and you get to feel what it’s like to have a day in the life of Magnus.

Justin: Like uh- Like Dolly Parton’s Dollywood!

Travis: Exactly.

Justin: Travel to the Appalachian home, in which she- she learned her craft!

Travis: It’s narrated by Hal Holbrook.

Johann: Is there— Is there a room—

Clint: [speaking with a deep, narrator-style voice] When Magnus started out, he was just a young warrior.

Johann: Is there— Are you going to have to now build a room onto the Magnus Experience that involves customers who pay to go through the Magnus Experience drinking a vial of shit?
Magnus: Correct.

Clint: Well, remember—

Magnus: The Magnus Experience is ever-evolving. Every time you go back, you’re never going to have the same trip twice.

Justin: You know, that’s true. Uh, Debra and the kids wanted to go back. I said “We just went there in June.” We went back, it was almost completely the same, but uhh, the uh, gift shop was different. There were new items.

Magnus: And coming this winter, we have a Harry Potter Experience.


Johann: Harry wha— Oh, yeah, him. Uh. Anyway, get lost, all right? I’ve got uh, I’ve got stuff to do.

Justin: I get lost.


Clint: Get Lost!

Griffin: Okay, he - he points you towards uh— He points you back towards the elevator. And as you make your way through, the- the doors open, and a very old, uh, man, a human man, um, uh, walks out. And he’s wearing very just sort of a plain brown robe. He’s got sort of a tonsure, uh, haircut. Um. And he, uh, is also carrying a roll of parchment, and you hear Johann yell out

Johann: Uh, come on in, let’s, uh, let’s get this over with. I hate— This is my least favorite part.

Griffin: And the- the sort of monk— old monk-looking man walks by you with the parchment. Um, if you guys want to try and make a perception check to see, uh, what’s going on on this parchment...

Clint: I already know who he is. I know who he is.

Griffin: You do?

Clint: He walks by and he says [imitates Obi-Wan in Star Wars] “the force will be with you, always.” Oh-

Griffin: No, that wasn’t—

[someone snorts] [dice rolling]

Travis: I got an 18. Nope, sorry, a 17. I have minus one. 17.

Clint: I got an 18.

Justin: 22.

Griffin: 22. Uh, you can actually see this- this parchment, um, uh— You see a familiar name on it. You see the name Magic Brian, and you see “Age, uh,: 121. Uh. Drow. Male. Uh. Six foot one.” You see basically a, uh, stat sheet, uh, with, uh, information on Magic Brian. Uh. Those basic stats are basically—

Travis: His likes, his dislikes—

Griffin: Well- well, the monk sort of brushes past you a little bit too quickly for you—

Travis: His bra size.

Griffin: —For you to get into what really turned him on, when he was, uh, among the living.

Clint: Magic Brian likes long walks on the beach and soft gentle kisses.

Griffin: But this monk walks-walks by with this, uhh, rap sheet on Magic Brian, uh, and walks through the heavily guarded door, which swings shut, um, leaving the three of you in the hallway to the elevator.

Travis: Are we the only ones in the hallway? Are there guards there?

Griffin: The guards, the fourteen guards are still there.

Guard: [in a weird voice] I will!

Griffin: No, there isn’t anybody who sounds like that. Uh. One of the- one of the guards walks out and beckons towards you, onto the elevator, and puts his bracer to the door and it opens up. Uhh.

Magnus: Sweet bracer, dude.
Guard: Thanks. Uh, you’re gonna get your own here in a bit. You guys inoculated?
Magnus: Yeah. Yeah, we’ve been inoculated.
Guard: Well, can I ask you a question—
Magnus: We believe in vaccinations.


Guard: What did uh, what did you guys think it tasted like? ‘Cause I don’t— I think it tastes kinda like of um, kind of like crab rangoon, a little bit.
Guard: Had sort of a creamy consistency, but it definitely sort of had that like fresh seafood taste to it.
Guard: Oh, yeah, I could get that too.
Guard: There’s any kind of- any number of fluids that you could’ve just imbibed. Anyways, see ya.

And he puts his bracer against the panel, and the elevator closes, sending you upward, back onto the campus.

[End of episode]

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