Balance – Episode 6: Here There Be Gerblins: Chapter Six/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone -

Griffin: As you step foot into the chamber, uh, that is completely made out of black glass, and as you move towards him, you see a single figure that is, uh, dwarven in shape, but it’s so badly burned, with, on its hand, a silvery glove, a silvery gauntlet. Gundren reaches over very quickly, snatches it up and puts it on his right hand, and he is engulfed in flame.

Travis: I regret this immediately!

Griffin: He goes flying out of the room, and Killian says,

Killian: We need to get him before he destroys the whole world.

Griffin: The four of you in this wagon crest a hill. As you look down you actually see a convoy of wagons, um, that have been completely destroyed, completely burned out. And you see laid out next to them a few charred, uh, bodies that you make out to actually be orcish. You see four, uh, human figures who are sort of picking over the remains. And they have their own cage with a adolescent orc, uh, boy in it.

Clint: I am going to cast thaumaturgy, and I’m going to yell, “Platoon one attack from the east! Platoon two attack from the west!”

Griffin: The two ruffians split off and [laughing] start running in either direction.

Griffin: You find some keys on one of those two dead bandits and you pop open the cage, and the orcish boy doesn’t seem especially grateful. He just sort of starts to walk away.

Clint: So he’s an emorc.

Magnus: Okay, bye!

Griffin: That was pretty good, uh -

Justin: [laughs]

The Announcer: Someone flies. Someone dies. Seriously, this week someone flies and someone dies. It’s the Adventure Zone!


[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]


Travis: Is there anything fun in the cart?

Griffin: Uh... you actually find the stash of these, uh, of these ruffians, you find, uh, a deck of playing cards, um, that are probably not legit? Probably, uh, probably some, some -

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: Ch-cheatin’ cards, is what we’ll call ‘em.

Travis: Yeeeah!

Griffin: Um, uh, I’m guessing that Magnus is gonna take that, since you’ve got sort of a uh, what was that Mel Gibson river boat gambling movie?

Clint: Maverick.

Travis: Maverick.

Justin: Man Without - Man Without A Face.

Griffin: You’ve got kind of a Man Without A-

[All four laughing]

Griffin: Uh, you-

Clint: Mad Max.

Griffin: You pick that up, uh, and you find, uh, uh, four different sacks of coins that are sort of unevenly filled, you think that maybe it sort of refers to the pay grade that each of these ruffians had on them. But all told there is about two hundred and twenty gold pieces--

Clint: [satisfied] Hah-hoh.

Justin: Great.

Griffin: - in between them, so you pick all that up too.

Travis: Uh, to Phandalin!

Griffin: The rest of the stuff - the rest of the stuff is just kinda either junk or, you know, burned up supplies.


Taako: Shouldn’t we leave two? Shouldn’t we leave two bags? Those other guys will be back-
Magnus: Taako, what’s that over there?! Okay, let’s get in the cart. C’mon.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Um, you -

Justin: Are we taking their cart? Or are we getting back in our cart?

Griffin: Uh, your - your cart is - is much better off. Their, their cart -

Justin: Oh, thank god.

Griffin: I, I mean, they weren’t dumpster divers, but they were living like dumpster divers.

Justin: I’m with you.

Travis: Livin’ like they were diving.

Griffin: Pretty good.

Travis: Thank you.

Justin: [snorts]

Griffin: Uh. Okay, so the four of you, uh, finish up your trek to Phandalin. It is dusk. Um. You’ve made very very good time getting here, but you can tell by the fiery, burnt path, uh, that has been carved in the ground that you are, you have not beaten Gundren to the scene. Um. You follow this path into town. Fortunately, no buildings have been, you know, destroyed, it doesn’t look like Godzilla just rushed through here. The - the streets in Phandalin, while crude, are fairly wide, so the damage has been minimal, but, uh, nobody’s outside. Nobody’s outside. Everybody has locked themselves away in their building, they, they, in their, in their homes. They can tell, um, that things are pretty bad right now. Um, you roll into Phandalin and you follow the path, and where the path terminates is the local bar.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Uh, which goes, uh, the - the path basically burns straight into the front door, uh, which is pretty badly scorched but intact.

Justin: Oh, I guess we’ll - I’ll - let’s head into the bar, see what’s going on.

Griffin: You walk towards the door of the bar, and, um, a familiar -

Justin: Wait, wait, wait, what do I see in there? Perception check.

Griffin: Oh, make a perception check into the bar?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Um, you - go ahead and roll it.

[dice roll]

Justin: Twenty-one.

Griffin: Twenty-one? Um... you can’t really see a whole lot, except that for the fact that it’s very bright in there. It’s exceptionally bright. Um. And you hear the voice of Barry Bluejeans, actually, shouting. Um. But - but to - there is no response to Barry Bluejeans shouting, to his - his cries for - for relief.

Magnus: [concerned] Oh. Let’s run in.

Griffin: As you move towards the door Barry Bluejeans actually comes bar- barrelling out at you. Let me re - how did hi - what was his voice? Was it kind of New York-y?

Clint: Yeah. It was.

Justin: Sure.

Clint: But of course his voice would be slightly altered if he’s on fire.

Griffin: Uh. He is not on fire as he is, uh, running out of the building, but he uh, he actually ducks - oh, no, I just broke my pen. Oh, bummer.

Travis: Alright, let’s stop the podcast.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Stop the podcast, everybody, I broke my pen! Hold on, I can fix it.

Travis: [laughs]

Griffin: [whining] This is my - this is my stylus, I spent a lot of money on it. I breaked it. [stops whining] There it is, um. Uh. He is not on fire, but, uh, as he runs through the door he sort of ducks just in time to dodge a fireball that has been thrown at him. And he sees you four and says uh,


Barry Bluejeans: Oh, my god, ya back! You guys, you gotta help me, I’ve never seen ehz- him like this - well, obviously, I’ve never seen him engulfed in flames and all magical and shit, but, um, if things are really bad, you guys, you gotta calm him down.

Griffin: And Killian says,

Killian: You would be wise to listen to him, we can’t fight him right now. If we try to fight him, we’re gonna lose. He’s - he’s more powerful than anybody you guys have ever met. That’s - that’s not an empty promise, he will incinerate anybody who defies him. We - we gotta calm him down and try and get that glove off of him.
Magnus: Okay.

Clint: Which means Magnus will attack, right?

Travis: No - okay -

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: - in a surprise moment! [pause] Magnus calmly walks into the bar.

Griffin: Gundren actually, uh, stops you before you can do that. He - he blows open the door of the bar and walks out, so now he is standing out in the streets with everyone. Um. Kind of a high noon stand off with, uh, Gundren standing sort of, uh, in - in the middle of the circle composed of you three and Barry and Killian. Um. And he says, uh,

Gundren: [growling] Why would you wanna stop me?

He says,

Gundren: I finally have enough power to get rid of those god damn orcs.
Magnus: Gundren...

Griffin: His voice has - his voice has changed, it’s almost like he’s been -

Justin: [overlapping] Uh...

Griffin: - he’s been, uh, I don’t know, he’s been infused with something that he can’t control.

Justin: I cast charm person. [pause] On, uh, on Gundren.

Griffin: [hesitantly] Okay.

Clint: Do we need to roll initiative?

Justin: No.

Travis: No -

Justin: [overlapping] No. Not yet. We’re not fighting him.

Clint: Okay.


Justin: Um, he uh -

Travis: [laughing] We cannot stress enough how much we are not fighting him.

Justin: We are not fighting him. He has to make a Wisdom saving throw.

Griffin: Okay.

[dice roll]

Griffin: I rolled an eighteen. [pause] That’s gonna do it, I think. Um, he is not charmed. Um, and -

Justin: And I cast it again.

Travis: [laughs]

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: I have three spell slots, I’mma cast it again.

Griffin: Uh, he actually, after you cast it the first time, he looks at you. His eyes are just fire now. His, uh, and that’s not like, uh, a - a description of his attractiveness, he’s not looking at you, uh, s - smokingly, he is - his eyes are literally fireballs.

Magnus: Gundren, you have to listen, the glove is consuming you from the inside out. Remember your father in the cave! If you don’t remove the glove, you’re going to die!

Griffin: Um, he says, “I -

Clint: [overlapping] How close am - how close am I to him?

Griffin: Uh, you -

Travis: [overlapping] We’re not going to attack him.

Clint: [quietly] No.

Griffin: He - You’re about, uh, eight feet away from him? He says,

Gundren: I can control it...


Magnus: You can’t, look at yourself, this isn’t you.
Gundren: You don’t know what I’m like. [laughing ruefully]
Magnus: Listen - the rage -

Clint: [overlapping] I slowly walk up towards him…

Griffin: He turns his, he turns his flaming eyes towards you now.

Clint: [soothingly] That’s fine. I just remind him,

Merle: We’re cousins, we have the same bloodline -
Gundren: What’s my middle name? What, no, fuck it, what’s my first name?
Merle: Your first name... is Gundren.

Travis: [giggles]

Merle: Your middle name is Lou. Gundren Lou.

Griffin: [as he laughs]

Gundren: That’s - that’s right.

Justin: Gundren Lou Albano.

[Clint and Griffin laugh loudly]

Gundren: I guess y -


Clint: I put my hands on the glove -

Griffin: It burns you very very badly. You -

Justin: [overlapping] [laughs]

Clint: [overlapping] I don’t care.

Griffin: You take, you take, uh -

[dice roll]

Clint: [insistent] I don’t care.

Justin: [overlapping] Wait, no, you’re taking damage.

Griffin: You take five points of damage.

Clint: I’m gonna help him control it.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Wait, take that damage.

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: Uh, you put your hands on the glove, and he actually steps away and seems to get more angry.

Gundren: What are you doing?! [yelling] This is mine!
Merle: We’re the same bloodline, I can help you control it!
Gundren: I don’t need your help controlling it!
Merle: [passive-aggressive] Fine! Go! Do what you want, I don’t care!

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: He is -

Justin: [overlapping, faint] I need to get -

Griffin: - all this while, the longer that - that you guys talk, it seemed like the fire was dying down a little bit, but as you started to touch the glove and he got very, uh, defensive and it picked up a little bit and he’s back -

Justin: [overlapping] I need -

Griffin: - to inferno status.


Justin: Okay. Listen, guys. I need to do a check to see if him being on fire gives me the idea for spicy food.

[Griffin, Clint and Travis laugh]

Justin: That’s really important. And then we can figure out th - a solution.

Clint: That is our overall taco quest.

Griffin: [indignant] It’s not your taco quest.

Travis: [overlapping] Well maybe -

Griffin: [overlapping] It’s not your -

Travis: - it’s Taako’s curse, is he’s a dullard until he figures out the taco thing, because so much of his mental processes is - is taking up, like, by figuring out tacos.

Justin: I’m not gonna be able to - can we just talk - can we... we can’t really, like, discuss this... can we talk, do we have time to talk about it? Griffin, can we sort of talk out of character-

Griffin: [overlapping] Yeah, sure!

Justin: - about the plan a little bit? Okay. Listen. I can’t - I can’t - uh, I, I, the only other thing I have, like, in terms of things I might be able to do to help, I tried charming him, that didn’t work, um... mage... I mean I could try mage hand but I don’t think I could use mage hand to pull the glove off. Um...

Clint: I have create water, which makes it rain in a thirty-foot cube.

Justin: Hmm.

Travis: It seems to me like the key to this is not spells or attacks or anything, it’s just talking, that what we need to do is calm him down, and - because I think that the glove has taken over, and it’s a little bit of like a split personality thing?

Justin: [overlapping] [sucks in breath through teeth] Yeah, right right right.

Travis: And we need to be able to appeal to Gundren, and get him to take the glove off. I don’t think that we’re going to be able to wrest it from him, or beat him.

Justin: [overlapping] Okay. Who’s got the highest charisma?

Travis: I’ve got plus one.

Justin: Mine’s neg - mine’s negative one.

Clint: Uh, mine’s plus three.

Justin: Okay. Why don’t we just have - just let’s just be simple. Why don’t we just have Merle talk to him.

Travis: Yes.

Justin: He’s a cleric, he has a very soothing presence, how ‘bout Merle just talks him through it. They’re related - just, don’t - listen, Merle, don’t... touch him.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Don’t touch him, don’t advance on him, think like a -

Clint: [overlapping] Okay.

Travis: - think like a hostage negotiator.

Clint: Alright.

Justin: Just talk.

Griffin: Are we back - ?

Justin: No.

Griffin: We’re back in the game now.

Travis: Yes.

Clint: We’re back in the game.

Griffin: Okay. [imitating a TV unpausing] Badoop badoop! That’s the unpause sound.

Merle: [soothingly] Now Gundren... you know me. Remember Christmases at Aunt Blarg’s house?

Justin: [laughs]

Merle: Remember, and we’d sit around and drink mulled wine...
Gundren: I miss her so much!
Merle: Oh, Aunt Blarg! She was a good woman!
Gundren: She was until she was killed by those GOD DAMN ORCS!

Justin: [laughs]

Merle: Well... well that was never proven. And - and you know what? She loved you, and she - y’know, she gave every year to the - to the Orc Benevolent Fund.


Gundren: I know, and that’s what made her death at their hands so ironic! SO PAINFULLY IRONIC!

Justin: [laughs]

Merle: It is painfully ironic, but is this what she would have wanted? Would she have wanted you to, to do this, to not only kill all these indiscriminate orcs but burn your own ass up at the same time? I don’t think so. Come on, why don’t you just take the gauntlet off and we can all talk about it?
Gundren: I don’t think I can.
Merle: Well sure you can! You’re the strongest - strongest dwarf I -

Griffin: He’s looking -

-know! I mean, down through the years, I’ve always turned to you -
Gundren: Bronze Strongarm is - Bronze Strongarm is the strongest dwarf. And we both know that.

[Justin and Travis laugh]

Gundren: So don’t bullshit me.
Merle: He’s good at arm wrestling, but you - you are strong at heart.
Gundren: [sighs] I’m s - I’m sc -
Merle: I’ve always looked up to you.
Gundren: I’m scared.
Merle: You’ve always been my hero. Don’t be scared. Look, we’re all here together.
Gundren: I was a fireball earlier and it hurt.
Merle: I know. Oh, that must have hurt so bad -
Gundren: It burn - it burned a lot.
Merle: Aren’t you tired of hurting? Aren’t you tired of fire and burning?
Gundren: I’m pretty sleepy.


Merle: Just, just, just, just why don’t you just take a deep breath -

[Gundren sighs heavily.]

Merle: And take off the gauntlet. And everything’s gonna be okay.

Griffin: Uh, the, the fire in his eyes is gone, he’s back to normal dwarf eyes. His hair is gone. Uh y - that - that shit just burned right up. Um, and his clothes are a little tattered, got some burn holes in ‘em, but otherwise he seems to be calming down, pretty significantly, and he says:

Gundren: I’m so sorry tha - I killed a bunch of orcs earlier. You didn’t see that, did ya?
Merle: Uh, we’re gonna blame it on the dumpster divers. Just - just for, you know, the public.
Gundren: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, but… I’m just so tired.
Merle: I know. I know! Why don’t you, why don’t you close your eyes for a little bit, take a little nippy nap -
Gundren: You’re right, it’s, I would love a nippy nap.

[muffled background chuckles (Travis?)]

Merle: Oh, just think about that, and when you get up, we’ll [flounders] we’ll go spelunking. You know, and, uh… and share stories about Au - Aunt Blarg.
Gundren: [softly] I miss her.
Merle: I know you do.
Gundren: [sighs] Okay. You guys are right. I can’t control this thing. And I think it’s time we -

Griffin: Um. [laughing slightly] Suddenly - uh - you all hear the sound, um. You hear this sound, actually - [imitating the sound of an arrow flying to its target and hitting] sssssssshheew-THUNK.

Taako: Oh no.

Clint: I know what that is.

Griffin: Um, and, Gundren takes a sudden step forward, like, [imitating surprised gasp] “Uh!” And turns to the side, and puts his hands, like, over his shoulders, reaching towards his back, and you can see an arrow. Um. Lodged, in his back. [clears throat] Um. And, uh, you can make a, uh, a Perception check if you wanna try and, uh, discover the source.

Taako: Aw gee.
Merle: I have a guess.
Taako: Yeah, right! Who saw this coming? Well, not Gundren I guess.


Clint: Alright, uhh, eleven.

Travis: Eleven.

Justin: Twenty.

Griffin: Uh, Taako, you see from the outskirts of the town the figure of the orcish boy who has fired an arrow from a bow about the size of himself.


Taako: [overlapping] Hmmm.

Griffin: Um, and -

Justin: [overlapping] Wh -

Griffin: As soon as you, uh, put eye - as soon as your eyes meet he turns and hoofs it. And -

Justin: What’s the orcish boy - d - what’s the orcish boy’s name?

Clint: It’s Emo(rc).

Travis: [stage-whispering] Dad, when Justin asked about that, it means we’re about to use the name of a listener who tweeted about the show!

Clint: [stage-whispering] Yes. We now return you to our podcast.

Travis: [stage-whispering] Okay.

Justin: Already, I’m -

Travis: [overly upbeat] You know, we’re having a lot of fun here today, but we need your donations to keep - [breaks off laughing]

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Uh -

Travis: We don’t like doing these, you don’t like doing these -

Griffin: His -

Travis: The faster we hit our goal -

Griffin and Clint: [laugh loudly]

Griffin: Uh, his name is Kurtze.



Griffin: His name is-

Clint: [overlapping] Kurt?

Griffin: [emphasizing the z] Kurtze.

Travis: [overlapping] Kurtze.

Griffin: With a “z.” And a “e.”

Clint: [overlapping] Kurtze.

Griffin: I think a silent “e.” [slightly differently than before] Kurt-ze.

Clint: Like Colonel Kurtz. [from Apocalypse Now.]

Griffin: Uh, as soon as you match eyes with Kurtze, Taako, he uh, he turns and hoofs it. And Gundren, uh, is just sort of stunned, uh, and is suddenly completely engulfed in flames. It’s - you - the - his arms are just two columns of flame, um, and he’s, he’s growing and, uh, bouts of flame are sort of ripping off of his body -

Justin: [overlapping] [quietly laughing] Oh man...

Griffin: and cutting entire buildings in half. He, uh, starts screaming,

Gundren: Who did this?!

Griffin: Uh… And...

Merle: Not an orc! Wasn’t an orc! No-o-o way! [nervously laughs]


Griffin: Uh… and Barry goes, uh:

Barry: Wasn’t me!

Griffin: And then Gundren looks at Barry, and with a giant flaming hand just sort of crushes him into the ground.

Travis: Cool.

Clint: Oh.

Griffin: Uh. And Killian says:

Killian: Time to go!

Griffin: And starts, uh, running towards the center of town, uh, as, uh,  Gundren just sort of keeps growing, and you hear her shout:

Killian: C’mon c’mon c’mon! [louder, more frantic] C’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon!
Magnus: No.
Taako: What about Barry?

Griffin: Barry’s dead.

Travis: (overlapping)

Magnus: I’m not leaving with all these people here.

Griffin: Barry’s super dead.

Taako: Well I’m not leaving without Barry.

Griffin: Uh, she, uh, you - you look at her and she’s pointing at the center of town, at a well. She says:

Killian: [panicked, quickly] Get to the well, get to the well, get to the well, get to the well! Get to the well!

Justin: I run to the well.

Travis: Not without all the - there’s still tons of people here!

Griffin: Gundren’s growing, and just more fire is pouring off of him, he’s expanding, he’s actually about to envelop, uh, both you, Merle, and - and uh, Magnus.

Travis: Okay. I start running for the well, but yelling:

Magnus: Get out of your homes! Get out of town, now!

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [aside] Nice job, Kurtze.

Griffin: You see a couple people step out of their homes and look to survey the scene, uh, as - as - Merle, are you also following them to the well?

Justin: I think we just all get to the well.

Griffin: Uh. Killian pulls out from her bag that feather duster, she taps herself with it then fires it at the three of you. Three silvery bolts fly in your direction, and suddenly the three of you are also sort of surrounded by the soft grey light that you saw, uh, Killian surrounded by earlier, in the mine. Um. And she jumps into the well. And you hear her go:

Killian: C’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon!

Clint: Decision made.

Justin: Yeah, I follow her.

Travis: I follow her.

Clint: Me too.

Griffin: The three of you dive into the well. Um. It is fairly deep. You - you fall very slowly about, uh, forty feet into the well. And as you look up through a small circle of light, you see the night sky grow red. And then suddenly you hear one final scream from Gundren Rockseeker, uh, and then all of a sudden all you see is flame above you. Just a -

Travis: [overlapping] Well, tits.

Griffin: A giant burst of flame, uh, that blots out the sky and roars. It’s the loudest sound in the universe. It’s the loudest thing any of you have ever heard. Um. And… it lasts for about a minute and a half. And -

Travis: Could you demonstrate for us how that sounds, Griffin?

Clint: [chuckles]

Griffin: [growling, gravelly whoooo noise] But like, times a billion.

Travis: You’re probably gonna need a deep breath, for a minute and a half.

Griffin: I can’t - I’m not - I can’t.

Clint: He doesn’t have enough phlegm.

Griffin: I just can’t do it. Um. So that, uh, that just happened. Uh. You look over at Killian, uh. She actually is unconscious at the bottom of the well. You see that she hit her head, um, as she was falling, even though she was falling fairly slowly. Maybe it was the -

Clint: Was there water in the well?

Griffin: No, it’s an empty well. Suddenly, the - you think maybe the three of you landing on top of her probably, uh, aided to her unconscious state.

Justin: Well, it was her dumb idea.

Griffin: That is true. That was on her.

Justin: And so are we.

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: Thank you, dad.

Griffin: That was pretty good. Um.

Travis: So now we’re just like, at the bottom of uh, a well, right?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Cool. Good look.

Taako: Well this is going good!
Merle: We really suck at this, so far.
Magnus: You know, in retrospect, I regret helping that Kurtze kid?
Taako: I wish we’d killed Kurtze, I was just thinking!
Magnus: I wish we’d killed Kurtze too!
Taako: I wish we’d killed Kurtze.
Magnus: But you know what? A lot of woulda-coulda-shoulda. You know what I mean?

[Clint & Justin laughing]

Taako: That’s true. Wish in one hand, spit in the other.
Magnus: Yeah, hindsight. 20/20 and all that.

Justin: (overlapping)

Taako: Wish in a hand and spit on it, right? Classic.

[Clint laughs]

Magnus: I say you just, you keep moving forward.
Taako: So....Can anybody levitate or anything?

[Griffin laughs loudly]

Magnus: I think we just live at the bottom of this well now.

Griffin: Uh, the - the well is actually - the interior of the well is, um, made of sort of, these large cobblestones, you think maybe, um, with enough -

Clint: AKA, climbable.


Griffin: Yeah, it’s climbable, you think maybe you could uh, with a good enough climbing check you could - maybe one of you could sort of shimmy your way up and maybe drop a rope for the others.

Merle: I say Magnus.

Travis: Wait, hold on - I take her crossbow.

Griffin: Okay! Yeah, you take her crossbow from her unconscious body.

Taako: Nice!

Travis: And I wake her up with the crossbow pointed at her.

Griffin: Okay. You - you slap her face, she doesn’t wake up.

Travis: Okay, she’s dead, let’s go!

Griffin: She is - she is thoroughly concussed.

Travis: I don’t want to just leave her…

Clint: [overlapping]

Merle: We - no, we gotta take her.
Taako: She’s got a magic feather duster! And if I know anything about magic, that’s gonna be good for dusting.

[Clint wheezes]

Travis: I also take the magic feather duster and the, uh, remote control.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you take all that stuff.

Taako: I want the magic - I want the feather duster!
Magnus: You can have it in a little bit.
Taako: It’s magical!
Magnus: Okay, you can have the feather duster.

Justin: [overlapping]

Taako: It’s for me!

Griffin: Justin, with your magic feather duster, and your magic umbrella, so far you’re looking kinda Poppins-esque.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: All you need is a bag of holding. Because she actually had one of those in the movie.

Clint: I take the bag of holding!

Griffin: Well you don’t - She didn’t -

Justin: He means Mary Poppins!

Griffin: You got very confused there.

Travis: Okay. I climb the well, I drop a rope -

Griffin: Well you’re gonna make a check, dawg. You can’t just say shit, and then have it happen. This isn’t -

Travis: Okay, I climb the well.

Clint: I fly out of the well!

Griffin: This isn’t “The Secret”.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: I got, uh - what is it - acrobatics, or athletics?

Griffin: Is there not a climbing skill?

Travis: No. I think it’s athletics. Yeah. Um, I rolled a nineteen.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, yeah, that is sufficient. It’s a looong hike, um, up to the top, but you manage to crest the top of the well. The uh, the structure at the top of the well, right? The, um, I don’t know what it would be called, the top of the well with the - the bucket and the rope and pulley and all that shit, is gone. It’s just gone. It’s gone. Uh. And as you look around you realize everything’s gone. Phandalin’s gone. Um. As you put the arm up over the edge of the well to pull yourself up, uh, you hear that same [plink] sound. Um.

Justin: [quietly] Ohhhh.

Griffin: Because the uh, the entire town, where it used to be, you look around and for about a half-mile in, in diameter, all that you can see is black glass. A circle of black glass on the ground.

Travis: Well, this all sucks.

Justin: It does suck.

Travis: Okay. I drop the rope, and yell down,

Magnus: Tie it around her before you climb up!

Griffin: Okay. Well, we’ll say, we could do a bunch of strength checks here, but that would be boring. Y - you manage to get everybody up out of the well. Including Killian, that’s a group effort, pulling her up, she’s a - she’s a -  I mean she’s a big orc woman. Um.

Justin: Griffin, can I do an arcana check on the feather duster to figure out what it is?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

[dice roll]

Justin: Fifteen.

Griffin: Fifteen? It- it is just what it looks like. It is an enchanted feather duster that -

Travis: [laughs] Just what it looks like. A feather duster.

Griffin: Well, no. It’s an enchanted feather duster that, uh, is imbued with charges of the spell Slow Fall.

Justin: Okay, great.

Griffin: It’s a very specific--

Clint: Can I do a perception check to - to look at the field of glass?

Griffin: Yep!

[dice roll]


Justin: Eighteen here.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Mine is…

Clint: Yeah, mine’s a six.

Travis: Sixteen.

Griffin: Okay. You guys don’t actually need a, a particularly high check because there’s nothing um, in, this field of black - this circle of black glass, except, again, in the very epicenter, a burned out, uhhh, blackened, dwarven figure, uh, with its right arm in the air, and on the end of the right arm is a silvery gauntlet.

Clint: Mhm.

Justin: [groans]

Travis: Cool.

Justin: [sighs] Well?

Travis: Here’s the thing. There must be a way to contain it that she must’ve known about ‘cause she was specifically going to get that gauntlet.

Justin: Yeah, but -

Travis: So the person we need right now is unconscious.

Justin: So the person we - okay. On the one hand - first off, let’s take a moment to mourn Phandalin. A lot of good people lost -

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: A lot of -

[knocks on wood]

Justin: Sorry, everybody that we misadventured, sorry about Kurtze.

Griffin: We gotta, we gotta fuckin’ retire our Barry Bluejeans merch.

Justin: Yeah. All the -

Clint: [groans]

Travis: Well, now his son Barry Bluejeans Junior is sure to make an appearance.

Griffin: Barry Jorts. “Hi, everybody, I’m Barry Jorts.”

[ Laughter ]

Justin: Um -

Clint: You know how kids love the, the dark characters. They’re, they’re gonna - they’re gonna flock towards Kurtze shirts.

Griffin: Yep.

[ Laughter ]

Justin: “Kurtze shirts.” Uh, listen -

Travis: “So Kurtze it hurts!” is what it’ll say on it.

Griffin: “I got the Kurtze Squirts!” is what it’ll say.

Travis: [laughing] Wait, what??

Griffin: You know, the Kurtze Squirts, when you get excited whenever Kurtze shows up, so you squirt a little.

{26:34 - 31:17} [Commercial Break]

Justin: So, okay, listen. We, we know that touching the glove from the outside is really bad. It’s not good. We know that putting on the glove is like, probably really stupid. Um…


Clint: Can we cut off his arm?

Justin: I mean, it’s, it’s he - I mean, it would probably- it would probably just break off. I just don’t know if it’s safe to take it. It’s obviously really powerful.

Clint: All right, we had two people interested in the gauntlet. One of ‘em is now...dead.

Justin: Right.

Clint: Let’s wake up the other one, let her have it!

Griffin: You tried to wake her up, she is, she - she’s not asleep. She’s, she’s concussed, she’s unconscious.

Travis: She’s totes unconscious.

Clint: Well, could she not be healed?

Griffin: Yeah, I guess.

Clint: It’s kinda what I do.

Griffin: That is true.

Clint: I’ve got -

Travis: Wait, hold on, what if it’s like the umbrella, where you just need to put the gauntlet on and then beat a check and then you control it?

Justin: Well, okay, you twisted my arm.

[ Griffin laughs ]

Justin: I, uh, I think that’s magical, I’m magic, this is the sort of thing that I’ve trained for, and I put the glove on.

Griffin: Your whole life.

Travis: Wait, can we save? Can we hit a save-point before we do that?

Clint: You know you’re, you know you’re not really good at this stuff.

Griffin: Um -

Justin: Yes, that is exactly why I decided it would be a good idea.

Griffin: As you approach the glove, Taako, I actually want you to make a, a Will check.

Justin: “Will”?

Griffin: A Wisdom, a Wisdom, check. Um, you’re - you’re making a Wisdom check. Um, there was a thing in the last game called a “Will,” uh, in the last edition, but you’re just sort of making a Wisdom check. Um -

Justin: Sixteen.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, [die roll] okay. The glove was contesting that, but it failed. You almost felt like the glove was trying to take you, take you over. It almost felt like the glove wanted you to come take it and, and put it on. Almost like it was speaking to you, like, you know, “Come put this dope glove on.”

Justin: Mm, okay, listen -

Griffin: But you beat that. You beat that check, and you sort of push those, you push that temptation aside.

Justin: Well, but yeah, but I just realized it was happening, right? I mean I knew, I felt that impulse as I was walking towards it.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah.

Justin: Hmm. That’s giving me second thoughts.

Taako: So, listen, the glove really wants me to put it on.

[Clint wheezing]

Taako: Can I get some group input on this thing?
Magnus: I, I say you back up. I think that, we’ve just seen it not only like, destroy a town, but two people that were using it.
Taako: I don’t disagree. Here’s my argument, though. We - it is obviously very dangerous; we can’t leave it here. We also can’t touch it.

Travis: Oh, I wanna search Killian to see what else she had on her.

Griffin: That was it, you got - you’ve robbed this poor, unconscious woman blind.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: So she didn’t have any - any means of - of containment for this thing?

Griffin: You, uh, pull up her sleeve -

Travis: Uh huh.

Griffin: - and she has on her a, uh, a metal bracer, that has a sort of strange symbol on it - um, but it doesn’t have any sort of clasp or fastener. It just seems to be, like, on her. And it doesn’t seem to be like you would be able to get it off.

Travis: I cast Sense Mechanism.

Griffin: You don’t have that.

Travis: No I don’t.

[Clint and Justin laugh]

Griffin: You don’t have -

Travis: I use my cheating playing cards to cheat the game and cast Sense Mechanism.

Justin: Uh - I - I’ll cast, uh, I’ll do an Arcana check on the bracer.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Um… fifteen.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, uh, and - and what is an Arcana - you’re just sort of trying to detect whether it’s magic?

Justin: Seventeen.

Griffin: Okay. Seventeen.

Justin: Seventeen.

Griffin: Uh. It - it is, uh, some sort of magic item but you - you get the sense that, uh, that whatever sort of magic is in it isn’t especially powerful? Um, whatever sort of enchantment is - is on it is not, I don’t know, this thing’s not gonna shoot death rays or anything. You - you get the sense that it’s a very light, very minor enchantment.

Travis: I think that’s where she’s getting her knowledge about this thing from. So one of us needs to get it off her and on ourselves.

Justin: Why do you think that she’s learning stuff from that?

Travis: Well because she’s able - she knows about the gauntlet, but can’t tell us about it.

Justin: Just so you know, Griffin, the Arcana check measures my ability to recall lore about spells, magic items, eldritch symbols, magical traditions, the planes of existence, and the inhabitants of those planes.

Griffin: Okay, um, so you detect on - on this um, uh, bracer, just because it is a very simple, almost crude, um, piece of equipment with a single symbol on it, um, you - you recall, uh, hearing about, uh, like, messaging equipment- almost like a, uh - a relay or a communicator, um, where - you know, uh, a very simple message can be passed or perhaps just even sort of a signal can be displayed...or transmitted.

Justin: If- if I press that one symbol on the bracer does anything happen?

Griffin: Uh, [someone laughs] it does nothing to - to your touch, no.

Clint: Okay, let me use healing word on her -

Travis: [overlapping] Yeah, go for it.

Clint: - it would be my last spell slot.

Travis: First- first I’m gonna - I’m gonna tie - I’m gonna tie her hands together in front.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And tie her feet together before we heal her and wake her up. ‘Cause it feels like everything’s kinda shook out as far as it’s gonna shake out for right now.

Griffin: Okay. That’s fine. Yeah, you use that rope that you used to climb up earlier-

Clint: And when she finds out you stole all her shit...

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: She won’t b - she won’t be so psyched about that.

Travis: I would say I’m more holding it in escrow until we figure out what’s going on.

Justin: I - I gingerly slide the feather duster back into her hand.

[ Clint laughs ]

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Okay, so, I, uh, they - she regains hit points equal to 1d4 plus my spellcasting ability modifier. So what should I roll?

Griffin: A d4.

[ Dice roll ]

Clint: Uh, two… plus wisdom... which is five.

Justin: Hm.

Griffin: Okay. Seven. Okay, that was enough to wake her up from - she was unconscious, she was basically at zero. Um, and you hog - you tied her up?

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: Okay, her - her hands and feet are bound. Um, she wakes up and sits up, sees her hands and feet are bound, looks around, and goes, um:

Killian: Well. I guess uh... I guess we didn’t save Phandalin, huh?

[ Clint laughing ]

Magnus: Yeah, I would say so.
Killian: Guess we did a bad job.

Griffin: Uh, she sees you with her crossbow - uhh... Magnus - and says:

Killian: I’d like that back, please? And my hands. Would like those back too, if I could just use ‘em.
Magnus: Okay. And I feel like we could’ve done more for Phandalin-
Killian: [Overlapping] And I’d like for you to untie me….
Magnus: - had we known what the fuck was going on before we came here?
Killian: I - how many fucking times do I have to tell you that I literally can’t tell you anything?! I can’t tell you any helpful information! I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you.
Taako: I feel like you could’ve done a little more -
Magnus: Yeah.
Merle: Maybe a little.
Taako: Like a little more! Like some context clues or perhaps some charades


Merle: Maybe- maybe drop the hint that he was gonna turn into a giant of fire.
Taako: Draw a picture!
Killian: Let me - Alright! Okay. Fine. Let’s try this, you tell me when it gets… static-y. Cool?
Taako: Okay.
Killian: I - I have to pick my words very carefully - am an employee… of… a… group of… um, concerned people - how is it so far?
Magnus: So far so good.
Taako: [Overlapping] Good! Yeah, no interference.
Merle: [Also overlapping] No crackling.
Killian: Who… are working… to... [STATIC].
Magnus: Yep, there we go. We got crackles. We got crackles on our end.
Killian: You got crack - [exasperated] oh, god.
Merle: We got crackle.
Killian: Who are working to make the… whole land… safer. How was that?
Magnus: Okay, that all was clear, except that’s hard to buy because the first time we met you, you sicced a giant grinder thing on us.
Killian: I thought you were - I thought you were trying to stop my group of people from doing a good thing.
Magnus: Well, you’re a little bit ‘grind and ask questions later’.
Merle: Yeah…
Taako: Is the um - is the... Is your inability to talk to us related to your bracer?
Killian: Oh, this old thing? No.

[ Travis laughs ]

Merle: What - what is that old thing, then?
Taako: What’s the - what’s the bracer for?
Killian: [sighing] Aw, Jesus.
Merle: Just askin’.
Killian: [impatiently] Oh well see - whenever you touch the thing on my bracer it [STATIC] from the [STATIC].
Taako: I think you were faking that one.

[ Griffin laughs ]

Taako: I think you were just doing that.
Merle: You kind of spit a little on that one.

Griffin: Uh. She suddenly looks over and sees the gauntlet again and says:

Killian: Wait a minute. How have none of you grabbed the gauntlet and put it on?
Magnus: Oh, we’re super cool.
Taako: We’re really chill, and I was - honestly I was afraid, if we’re just putting it out there.

[ Laughter ]

Killian: You mean its - its thrall didn’t- didn’t take you over?
Taako: No, I’m dumb, but I’m super willful. I mean it wasn’t even a thing. For me. I was fine.

Griffin: She looks at, uh - you see that same look in her face, um, that - that she had when she saw you’d defeated Magic Brian, uh, where she is just thoroughly impressed with you guys. Um, and she says -

Justin and Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: And she says, uh:

Killian: I… you guys… where did you guys come from?
Magnus: Your mama.

[ Laughter ]

Killian: Pretty - that’s a pretty good burn.

[ More laughter ]

Killian: I would think you would all be orcs, or at least, like, all of the same sort of, like, race, but.
Magnus: Well I was born in Raven’s Roost.
Killian: Oh - we don’t - we -

Clint: Oh, no, no, not the backstory!

Killian: That’s - that’s for the blog.

Griffin: She says.

[ Laughter ]

Griffin: Um. Um. She says, uh:

Killian: Okay. I’m gonna let you guys in. I swear to - I swear to the gods.
Merle: Don’t make me cast my truth spell again.
Killian: No truth spell required. Nothing but open honesty because I think - I think we could use people like you. If you’ve already escaped the thrall of that thing that I can’t say the name of.

Travis: Mhm.

Clint: The [makes a static noise].

Magnus: [over Clint] Let’s just say ‘Glovey’.
Killian: Glovey, fine. If you’ve already escaped the thrall of Glovey, you can collect it. And we can take it somewhere where it will never do anything like this ever again. But you have - you have to let me out of here.

Justin: She got as far as “collect it” and I started sprinting back towards the glove.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay.

Justin: I’m like really - really excited.

Magnus: Merle, should we let her go?

Griffin: You uh - you grab the glove and it doesn’t, uh - it doesn’t burn you. It’s almost as if it has sort of, uh, accepted you. You pick the glove up.

Clint: Wear it on a chain around your neck. Wear it on a chain around your neck!

Griffin: She yells:

Killian: Don’t put it on, don’t put it on. Don’t put -

Justin: I put it on.

Killian: Don’t put it on. Because then Griffin would have to completely rewrite the rest of the campaign. Don’t put that thing on.

Clint: Can I -

Justin: Did she say that?

Clint: Can I look at the gauntlet? Can I look at the gauntlet and go, [imitating Gollum from Lord of the Rings] “my preciousss”?

Travis: No you may not.

Justin: I throw it - I throw it in my bag so they don’t have to do a thrall check.

Griffin: Okay! Yeah, from - from... okay. Yeah, you toss it into your bag.

Clint: Listen, if we’re - if we’re buying in that much, might as well let her go.

Travis: Alright.

Clint: Might as well free ‘er.

Travis: I undo my overly-complicated knots.

Griffin: Mkay.

Clint: Don’t give her the - don’t give her the crossbow.

Killian: I want my crossbow though, kind of.
Merle: Tough.
Killian: I like it a LOT!


Merle: Tough.
Killian: Look at the - look at the, the handle of it! See my engraving?
Merle: We don’t trust you!
Magnus: Have you named - have you named your crossbow?
Killian: Yeah, it’s called... Billips.


Travis: That was supposed to be a check on a Twitter name, Griffin.

Killian: There’ll be time for that later,

Griffin:She says.


Travis: There’ll be time for me to open up Twitter later.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: I hand her the crossbow, but I keep the bolts.

[someone moans]

Griffin: Okay! She says:

Killian: That’s fair. I’m not gonna need it. Uh, we’re gonna - we’re regrouping right now. So. If you could just untie me, then we can get this show on the road.

Travis: We - we untie her.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Huh -

Griffin: She kills you instantly. [laughter from others] No. Um, she uh, stands up, dusts herself off, she turns to Merle and says:

Killian: Thanks for the healing. Um, I guess it’s kind of the least you could do since the three of you... landed on me. And did not heal me.
Magnus: It’s a tiny well!
Merle: It was your fault!
Killian: Well, that’s... debatable. There’ll be time for blame later,

Griffin: Um, she says, uh,

Killian: We need to get somewhere where the ground’s not as hard. Um.

Clint: Or glassy.

Griffin: Or glassy, yeah.

Travis: Or full of dead people that we failed to save.

Griffin: There’s no, like, corpses. They -

Travis: Well, I imagine it’s kind of like Pompeii, where the ash is probably pretty m-mixed in.

Griffin: There’s no ash.  It’s just black glass, almost - it - it burned the ground. It was so hot that everything just sort of evaporated. You might be breathing in some folks -

Travis: Were the people of this town at least, like, really, like, not so nice people? Something that just, like softens the blow?

Griffin: Yeah, they were all orc-racist. Does that make you feel better?

Travis: It does! It does a little bit.

Griffin: Um, she starts walking towards the edge of the glass. She points her finger at the ground about, uh… about a hundred feet away, and presses the rune on her bracer, and it starts to, um, flash -

Travis: Griffin, quick question: Are her feet kind of sliding around the black glass? Like, it’s a little bit humorous if it wasn’t such a serious situation.

Griffin: Um, yeah, the - I mean, all of your - your locomotion on this glass is wacky.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: It’s difficult - It’s difficult and also wacky terrain. So you have half - half movement, and also all your movements are super wacky.

[Travis muttering Yakety Sax]

Clint: So as we’re walking… yeah, yeah. We’re Annie Lennox, walking on broken glass.

Griffin: Oh, shit, dad.

Clint: Yeah, you can have that one.

Griffin: Slam dunk. That’s the first -

Clint: That one’s yours.

Griffin: That’s your first reference you’ve done so far that I’ve, like, really approved of. Other than Kenny Chesney, that one was pretty good too.

Clint: Thanks? [laughs]

Griffin: Um. She points her - her finger at the ground about a hundred feet away, touches the rune on her bracer, and it starts to flash yellow intermittently. About every three seconds, it, uh, flashes yellow. Um. She says, uh,

Killian: Just sort of waiting for approval, here.

Um. And then it turns a solid blue. [laughing] Her - her router has connected to the internet. Uh. And, uh, she says,

Killian: And now we, uh, just wait. Shouldn’t take too long. Um, what are your names, again?
Magnus: M-Magnus.

Clint: [strange nasally, high-pitched voice]

Merle: I’m Merle Highchurch.

Clint: How about that one? No?

Taako: I’m Taako, and he doesn’t normally sound like that. He’s just trying to impress you.
Killian: Yeah, well, mission - mission accomplished. Hoo boy.
Magnus: I’m - I’m Magnus Burnsides…
Killian: Seriously, how did you guys -
Magnus: [overlapping] The Hammer.
Killian: Where did you guys come from? You have - you have done some pretty impossible feats.
Magnus: I’m from Raven’s Roost.

Clint: Oh, god.

Magnus: Well, look, we’ve got some time while we wait, so let me tell you: I was born the son of a carpenter -
Killian: We’ve got - we’ve got about thirty seconds, so…

Travis: [talking faster]

Magnus: Okay, I was born the son of a carpenter -
Merle: We were in prison together!

Griffin: Wow, really?


Merle: Yeah. Yeah.

Travis: Well how ‘bout you just don’t make those character choices for people?

Merle: Yeah, fightin’ the man! We were fightin’ the man! [laughs]

Griffin & Justin: What man?

Clint: You know, the man! [with emphasis] The Man. You know!

Griffin: Charles.

Clint: The Man!

Griffin: Charles!


Taako: I told you, it was a very powerful god, it’s pronounced “Them-an!” We’ve been over this so many times!


Killian: About five more seconds.
Taako: Well -
Magnus: What’s - what’s your deal?
Killian: Uh, my deal is -

[WOOSH noise] You hear a sound from up above, um, and -

Travis: [deep commanding voice] “Don’t tell them!”

Griffin: - the cloud, ah -

Travis: [even deeper voice] “Keep it to yourself!”

Clint: [adopting same voice] “Killiaaaan!”

Griffin: From a cloud hanging above the city, it, it - the- the cloud just sort of bursts apart, and, uh, you see a shape flying down, uh, and -

Travis: It’s the angel of Barry Bluejeans!


Griffin: --suddenly a seraphim reveals himself to you:

Barry Bluejeans: Y’all did great.

Griffin: Um, a uh, a figure is - is flying down, it has burst through the cloud, and it lands about in the spot that Killian pointed to, um, and she starts walking towards it. She’s like:

Killian: C’mon!

Travis: And it’s Al.

Killian: Get the lead out!


Magnus: I don’t know why you haven’t leaped yet, Killian.

Griffin: God, Travis, you’re giving me ideas now.


Griffin: I’ve got, like, four pages of campaign notes. I’ll throw them shits in the garbage.


Clint: Saaaam!

Griffin: Oh, boy. Um…

[more laughter]

Clint: Oh, boy.

Griffin: Um. You move towards the shape, uh, and as you get closer to it, you see a... glass sphere with uh, some, uh, solid metal trimming around it.  Uhh. It’s about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.

Travis: Oh.

Griffin: Uh, this episode is sponsored also by Volkswagen. Um, and inside is four chairs, um, and Killian taps on the glass, and an aperture opens that she climbs through and sits in and straps herself into one of the chairs.

Magnus: It’s really lucky that there’s not just, like, three chairs, or like sixteen chairs.
Merle: Yeah.
Magnus: That’s very fitting. There’s four of us, right?

Griffin: She says,

Killian: It’s best if you don’t think about it.
Magnus: Okay. Done.
Merle: Are there Luna bars?
Killian: Uh, yeah, there’s lots of Luma, b- Luna bars in here.
Merle: Yeah!
Killian: There’s a - We got a med kit, if you want to stitch yourself up. I can prep some tea. It’s not great tea.

Travis: With the delicious vitamins in Luna bars, we don’t even need a med kit.

Griffin: That’s ri -

Clint: That’s right, Travis. Because Luna bars are graded A, for deliciousness and nutritiousness.

Griffin: None of those start with “A”, though.

Travis: For “A Delicious Bar”.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: So, if you wondered what Dungeons and Dragons is, that’s how you play it. The end.


Griffin: We’ve got -

Justin: That’s just one example of how to play Dungeons... [dramatic pause] and Dragons.

Griffin: Buy your own kits at home and supplement your own Luna bar advertisements!

Justin: Say whatever dumb shit that comes to your mind!


Griffin: You can advertise whatever you want! Geico... Mattresses...

Travis: Geico mattresses?

Griffin: Whatever.

Travis: “We insure the greatest sleep you’ve ever had”.

Griffin: Um. She’s like,

Killian: Hop in! Come on, get the lead out.

Travis: Okay, Magnus hops in and picks the best seat, the one up front next to the driver.

Griffin: You got shotgun.

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: There’s no - There doesn’t seem to be any kind of steering apparatus.

Travis: I - I know how this works. We do it with our brains.

Griffin: Well, then, you’re gonna crash. You’re gonna crash into the sun.

Clint: Alright, I turn to Taako and I say,

Merle: It’ll be alright, come on.
Taako: I’m scared.
Merle: Let’s get in the big glass ball.
Taako: Okay.
Merle: ‘Kay. It’ll be fun!
Taako: Don’t have to tell me twice. [suddenly] Arcana check!

[Griffin and Clint burst into laughter]

Justin: 24. I know exactly what it is. I built it. [more laughter] My dad - My dad made it.

Griffin: Um, it is a vehicle. You are detecting, um... a magical signature. You - you don’t know what it is, but you are detecting it at the, uh, top of the uh -

Justin: This isn’t a detection. It’s more about, like, against my knowledge of the arcane arts.

Griffin: Okay, you don’t - you don’t - there is a - Okay, you recognize the, um, enchantment. There is a - a compression enchantment. It’s - it’s almost like there is something in there that is very big, that by magical means has been made very small.

Taako: Okay, guys, here’s - here’s -

Travis: It’s a TARDIS!

Clint: We get into the TARDIS.

Taako: Here’s what we’re dealing with: it’s a compression... magic.

Travis: We’re all already inside the ball. [laughing] You’re just standing outside.

Taako: What we’ve got here -

Justin: I go inside.

Griffin: “This is - this is your standard order magic compression thing”.

Taako: What we got here’s compression… magic….

Travis: It’ll make you look slimmer. You wear it underneath your clothes. It compresses. It’s...

Griffin: It lifts and separates.  

Merle: [persuasively] I’ll give you a Luna bar if you sit down.
Taako: Alright, I sit down.


Merle: Open up!

Griffin: Um. While you are feeding him - While you open up the hangar and fly the airplane in, uh, uh, Killian shuts the door, taps on her bracer a couple of times, and uh, from above you there - there was a very small sort of, uh, overhead trunk on the top of the - the ball that opens up, and a giant balloon pops out. A, a - basically a hot-air balloon, that doesn’t seem to have any sort of brazier filling it. It’s just sort of filling up on its own, and before you know it, uh, the four of you are off. And you’re floating through the night sky. It’s a beautiful, clear night, uh, aside from the horrible carnage beneath, uh, which almost serves as a giant, black mirror for the night sky above. Um -

Clint: It’s still kind of funny.

Griffin: It’s not funny as much as it is, like, weirdly beautiful. Um. Because other than a few clouds the sky is clear. You can see the - there are two moons shining over the world. You pass over and see the city - the big city  lights of Neverwinter. You pass over the - the Sword Mountains and over -

Travis: Is it more like Wonkavator-esque, or more like Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang-esque?

Griffin: It’s kind of Wonkavator-esque. It’s kinda got that feel to it. Um. Except glass, and spherical, and a hot-air balloon. So not really anything like that.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: And I’d like to also point out to everybody that, in case of a water landing, our seats do serve as flotation devices.

Travis: Do they also serve as toilets? ‘Cause I had a bunch of ale before we started the adventure...

Killian: And a bunch of Luna Bars,

Griffin: Killian says,

Killian: Those things’ll - those things’ll clean you right out.


Griffin: This episode’s brought to you by Luna bars. They’ll clean you completely out. Oh my god. It’s like you got a cheese-cloth in there, and you scrubbed it out real good. Um.

Taako: Guys, I just realized, I left my keys in Phandalin.


Taako: How do you turn around?
Magnus: Oh, my library books! I’m gonna have to pay for those!

Griffin: You are floating higher and higher. You pass through uh, uh, you pass through the clouds that were overhead, and soon it’s just you and the night sky, and the two moons, and Killian says uh, sort of bemusedly, uh:

Killian: You guys are gonna love what happens next!
Magnus: Is it like a movie?
Killian: Yes, we have an in-flight movie. It is, uh…

Justin: [quietly]

Taako: Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 2, Rush Hour 2…
Killian: It’s Rush Hour 3!
Taako: No! That was a real misstep for the franchise.

Griffin: You are [ laughs ] You are uh, flying through the night sky. You‘re - you’re going ever-higher. And suddenly it kind of dawns on you that one of those two moons in the night sky is getting much larger than you thought it was going to, much faster than it was going to. You’re not really - you - you haven’t broken the stratosphere. Um. You’re not in outer space, but it’s almost like you can reach out and touch the moon.

Clint: That’s no moon.

Taako: Guys, the moo-

Griffin: I fucking knew somebody was going to make that goof, and you didn’t let me down. Thank you, my nerd, nerd-ass dad.

Clint: You’re welcome.

Taako: Guys, the moon’s expanding!

Griffin: Killian says -

Clint: I just said it’s no moon.

Griffin: Killian says -

Travis: Magnus wakes up.

Magnus: What’s going on?

Griffin: You wake up just in time to see, uh, a portcullis...

Clint: “Bridesmaids.”


Griffin: Bridesmaids is starting. You just finished Rush Hour 3. Are any of you even paying any attention to the goddamn moon, or are you too busy watching the in-flight movie?

Clint: I said it was no moon!

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you - you wake up, uh, Magnus, just in time to see a hole... a uh, a portcullis? Is that a word?

Magnus: Ah! A portcullis!

Griffin: Hold on, I -

Clint: Yep!

Justin: That’s like a castle gate, right?

Griffin: There’s an aperture that sort of slides open in the moon.

Travis: Ew.

Griffin: And it’s getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Justin: A porthole, a porthole.

Griffin: A porthole. Um. And suddenly you… have gone through it. You have gone into the moon, and you are surrounded by blackness. Inky, inky blackness. And Killian says uh,

Killian: Well, guys. Hold onto your butts.

Clint: Okay, I roll, uh, butt-holding.

[dice roll]

Clint: Okay, 14. I’m holding my butt.

Justin: I grab my butt.

Travis: I also grab my butt… and I talk with it.


Travis: And it’s a hilarious topical reference that everyone in the sphere gets.

[Theme song plays]

[Episode ends]

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