Balance – Episode 62: The Stolen Century: Chapter Three/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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[Griffin starts with the commercial because it’s a shorter episode. He said they didn’t know it was going to be a whole episode when they finished recording and that they were doing this to get back on the right schedule after a couple of weeks of posting on wrong Thursdays.]



[Jumbotron Messages]


Announcer: Who the heck was that nerd? The intro is my job! Just watch how it’s done. It’s the Adventure Zone!

[Theme song plays]


Griffin: Um, so in the last episode of Stolen Century, I think it’s safe to say maybe things got a little bleak, maybe a little bit dark. There was maybe, um— I may have ended Travis’s world that he made and worked really hard on.

Travis: No, it’s non-canonical, Griffin. You ended a version of that in your universe, you know what I mean?

Griffin: Oh, ‘kay. And things got—

Clint: TravWorld— TravWorld 2.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Well it’s not called that, but okay.

Griffin: Things got maybe a little fungal, a little gross, and maybe folks weren’t so into that. Um, and so I thought maybe for this episode we could lighten things up a little bit and I think the best way to do that is to have a good, ol’ fashioned beach episode.

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Travis: [crosstalk] Beach party!

Clint: [imitates “Wipe Out” by the Surfaris]

Justin: No more wasting time composing music for the show, you’ve got fucking Michael Winslow over here.

Griffin: Yeah, um—

Travis: The guy from Family Matters?

Griffin: Oh, no. [crosstalk] Yeah…

Justin: [crosstalk] Tsk, no.

Travis: [crosstalk] What? Well…

Griffin: Um—

Justin: Is it? Eddie. You’re thinking of Eddie Winslow.

Griffin: Sorry, Justin, were you just trying to figure out if Michael Winslow was the name of one of the characters on Family Matters real quick?

Justin: Yeah. Their last name was Winslow so [crosstalk] it’s not like it’s gonna be a wild stretch.

Griffin: [crosstalk] No that’s fair.

Travis: How— How could— How was that never…

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah.

Travis: Well, we’ve talked enough about it, but how was that never a cameo appearance?

Justin: How was that not like a [Michael Winslow voice] “Hey it’s me, you’re cousin, Michael! Hmmm RREE-bop-bop beedlee-bop-bop-reep!”

Clint: [joining in] Sklee-bloo-woo-woo-woo!

Justin: Fucking topical Micheal Winslow references for everybody to enjoy here. {7:49}

Griffin: So— Yeah, that we just spent like a minute and a half on. So, in this cycle, the seven of you come down on the Star Blaster and that name, hm… It’s like a rich—

Travis: [crosstalk] It gets better with age.

Griffin: It’s like a rich honey. Everytime I say it, it just— Also, I apologize. I’m very croaky because I started Couch to 5k today and I almost died. And I—

Travis: [crosstalk] ugh...

Griffin: I think I’ve pooped some of my lung matter out and so I’m a little grumbly. Um, so in this cycle the seven of you come down into what is essentially a completely uninhabited world. Um, most of it is under a huge ocean, only like five percent of this world is landmass. And you’re not really sure what the deal is after your sort of fly-over reconnaissance, uh whether civilizations used to exist here and collapsed and drowned or if they never never existed or what. But, in a rare stroke of luck, when the hunger first scopes you out and the Light of Creation falls, it falls just like, a day’s ride away from where you all are and so you find it and recover it, like, within the day with little issue.

And so the seven of you, like, have a year in this, like, pretty nice, tropical world and at sort of Davenport’s behest, you all decide to sort of take a break and have sort of a Mental Health Year. And so you all work together and you build this large, sort of comfortable shelter on a pleasant beach right next to where the Star Blaster’s parked and you spend a relatively peaceful year together just sort of, you know, fishing and cooking for one another and just sort of genuinely enjoying the break from this otherwise like really, really difficult journey. So with that in mind, how do you all spend your year?

Clint: Hmmm.

Griffin: I’m giving you all sort of more like freedom to, like, do whatever this time. There’s no, like, immediate— You’ve got the Light of Creation and this— I want to make it clear, this is not me trying to pull some sort of twist on you like I wanted to give you like an opportunity to sort of you know, have a cycle to yourselves to do whatever without the apocalypse looming over you.

Clint: Yeah, I think I’d like to be a… a beachcomber, and take all the shells and shark's’ teeth and drift wood and what have you, and make things… for my crewmates.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay.

Clint: Make things like you would find at, uh, Wings or one of those, you know, trinket stores. I wanna make some cheap crap for my friends.

Travis: Well it’s not cheap if you picked— I guess it’s the cheapest because you picked— literally picked it up off the ground. [crosstalk] … try this.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh, I didn’t spend a damn dime on it!

Griffin: Um, okay. Well, give me an example of some of the stuff that you make and let’s— let’s play this out a little bit.

Clint: Well, I’ll start with the— the primo stuff, the sharks’ teeth necklaces, you know, where you take the shark’s tooth and drill a little, tiny hole in it and, you know, spend a lot of time looking for the sharks’ teeth which enables you to get really bad sunburn so that’s kind of the downside. That what I’m sacrificing.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Roll um— Do me a favor, roll plus mind and let’s, like, figure out, like, how successful you are at sort of digging stuff up.

Clint: Sure, yeah. [rolls his dice] Um…  Wow, uh, 6 and a 1, that’s 7, and then an 8 is mind.

Griffin: Okay. Um, mixed success so I think you find, like, sharks’ teeth and wood. I think if you had rolled like a 10+ or something, you’d be like pulling out, like, fucking pearls and all kinds of, like, fancy stuff. But, yeah, you have the basics that you need to make stuff. So you make some sharks’ tooth— You make a shark’s tooth necklace. Who’s that for?

Clint: Yeah, and then I’m— I’m gonna take the little, like, the shells I find and, like, glue googly-eyes on them because that’s always funny, and then make little bodies out of, like, pipe cleaner or whatever pipe cleaner is in this world.

Travis: [crosstalk] You’re— I’m sorry, Dad. You’re gonna have to roll for googly-eyes. You can’t just…

Clint: Oh, yeah, that’s true.

Griffin: Yeah. I think there’s, like, a special googly-eye roll. I think that’s plus body because you gotta really maneuver those little bad boys.

Clint: Yeah, plus body. [rolls his dice] Now, I didn’t find any googly-eyes, apparently! [laughs]

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: [laughing] Okay. [crosstalk] I was gonna say...

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay.

Clint: [crosstalk] That’s a 2 and a -1. That’s a crit 1.

Griffin: And actually, based on the rules of the game, Dad… you die. [Travis starts laughing] You tried to put some googly-eyes on a shell and the shell broke and it cut— It cut you to ribbons. And you died.

Clint: Ah, God.

Griffin: I’m sorry. I— I thought this was just gonna be a fun—

Clint: It’s just— No, no, no. It’s alright. I went doing what I loved and that was making—

Justin: [crosstalk] Making trash.

Clint: Making trash. [Travis and Clint laughing]

Griffin: Um, so help me— Help me match some, like, gifts up to some people. Like, what did you give for Magnus?

Clint: Oh, uh, for Magnus I made a fake arm, like a for your— For your upper arm. [struggling] You know, instead of gettin’ like a tribal tattoo, I got a bunch of driftwood and I strung it together to make, like, a, uh— like a… a forearm! An upper arm…

Griffin: [laughing] I’m sorry! You made a— You made a— [laughing] You made a tattoo, you just— Just you drew it on a big piece of wood

Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Griffin: -that you then tied on to him-

Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Griffin: This is— This is you invented the temporary tattoo.

Travis: It’s almost like Dad doesn’t know the word jewelry.

Griffin: You know, this is good.

Clint: Well, no! This is more than jewelry. This is from the heart.

Griffin: This is a piece of wood that you tie onto your arm.

Travis: Um, I’m sorry. Jane Seymore’s Heart Collection, Dad?

Clint: [crosstalk] Oooo

Travis: That’s from the heart.

Griffin: Yeah, that is true. What’d you get Taako?

Clint: Um, for Taako, I made him a pair of slippers out of that uh— Out of, uh, kelp. I found a bunch of kelp and I wove them together and I—

Griffin: [laughing] These gifts suck! You got him slimy shoes!

Clint: No, but—!

Justin: Can we just do these as scenes for better presentation?

Griffin: Yeah, do this scene of you giving these slime shoes to Taako.

Justin: Yeah, please.

Clint: Yeah, um…

Merle: Well, I, uh… I wasn’t sure your size, so, uh— There’s a lot of give in kelp and if they’re too small, get ‘em wet and they’ll get bigger and these— These are for you.
Taako: Oh, well, thank you, my man. These are just beautiful!
Merle: And the thing is, if you— If you don’t like wearing them, you could roll up raw seafood in ‘em and make sushi!
Taako: Perfect! I’ll be sure to put these to good use.

Justin: Let me know when his back is turned.

Merle: Um, so anyway, Magnus—

Clint: I turn.

Justin: I cast Levitate on them.

Taako: Oh no! Look at ‘em! Look at ‘em! Oh no! Oh no, my beautiful shoes!

Travis: So, wait, you waited until his back was turned so you could draw his attention back to them?

Justin: Well, he wouldn’t see me cast Levitate on them.

Travis: Ah, I see [crosstalk]...

Griffin: What are you doing by levi—? You just, like, throwing them up into the sky?

Justin: Right. They’re just levitating away.

Taako: Oh no, my beautiful shoes! [laughs]
Merle: And, um—

Travis: And when he turns back to look at the shoes, I cough and throw the arm bracelet into the ocean. [coughing]

Merle: And then— And for you, Lup, I found a gigantic Portuguese man o’ war and I ripped its guts out and I made a shower cap for you—
Lup: Oh, I don’t—
Merle: And, you know, the tentacles kind of hang down and it looks like pink hair! So I thought— You know, you would like that, with your fashion sense—
Lup: Cool! I don’t— I don’t want that.
Merle: No! You will! You’ll love it ‘cause next time you shower~
Lup: Mm, it’s a dead fish. I don’t want that on my head. Merle, you get that I don’t want that on my head, right?
Merle: [laughs] I think you’re playing coy with me! I think this is probably something you’ve thought about for a long time.

Griffin: Okay. She takes it and, uh, throws it to the ground and it just kinda splatters as it hits the ground and she’s like,

Lup: Oh no! A… A demon wh- while you were looking— An invisible demon that only I can see threw it to the ground! Aw, dern.
Merle: And, uh, Lucretia, I, uh— I made this. It’s, uh, I took three sand dollars and made a Mickey Mouse head out of it.

Clint: That’s M-I-K-K-E-E M-A-U-S, Mikkee Maus. Not a trademarked creature...

Lucretia: Just sort of another dead fish hat.
Merle: But! The thing is, if you’re ever drinking three glasses of beverage at the same time, it’s a triple coaster.
Lucretia: Excellent. Great.
Merle: Yeah! Consume that!

Griffin: Barry is slowly backing out of the room that you’re standing in as you do this award presentation.

Merle: It’s okay, Barry! Because, um… I’ll have to wait and make yours later, I’m not feeling real good from that— that cut I got from the shell. I’m gonna go lay down for a couple minutes.

Griffin: You’re not actually gonna die from the shell. I want to make that clear.

Clint: No! I like it! I like it! I wanna die from the shell!

Griffin: You’re not gonna die from the shell during Beach Episode.

Justin: [laughs] That would make us all feel really bad about throwing your gifts away!

Griffin: Nobody— Nobody dies during the beach episode! I forbid it.

Merle: Well I— I still don’t feel good, I’m gonna go lay down.

Travis: He ate some bad man o’ war.

Griffin: Uh, while you go lay down, I think Lucretia, whose like the only person that, like, kept your gift, maybe, comes to, like, check on you to make sure you’re good and, um— She’s talking to you and she says, um…

Lucretia: Um, Merle it seems like your gift-giving didn’t go maybe as well as maybe you wanted and, um, I just wanted to apologize for the rest of the crew. They told me to— They definitely told me to come in here and apologize for how rude they were, um… But, I gotta say, I’m impressed at sort of how well you’ve taken to this… This #BeachLife. It seems like you’ve really kind of, you know— It seems like you’re really comfortable here. It seems like you’re really, I don’t know, happy here.
Merle: I like it here. I could see myself settling down here. Um, except, you know, for the toxic, exploding shells, it’s— It’s not bad! Um… Thank you, but did— Did you say they… They didn’t like my gifts?
Lucretia: I… No. Ye— What did you… What did you say? I got confused by…
Merle: Oh, I thought you were saying that they didn’t like my- [crosstalk]
Lucretia: No, I thought you said that— I thought that you said that. I thought you said that? I—
Merle: No! Oh, no, they loved them! Did you not see their faces?
Lucretia: They were… Filled with childlike glee. Anyway, you lay down—
Merle: [crosstalk] It was— Yeah…
Lucretia: You lay down and rest up.

Griffin: And she leaves.

Merle: Yeah, I’m gonna dig a little hole in the sand to puke in.

Griffin: Justin and Travis, what do you think I should give Dad for this scene? I don’t know if—

Travis: [crosstalk] Asset.

Griffin: Merle, did you make anything for yourself that we could count as an asset or is this a bond... I think an asset, because you made some shit. What did you make— I want you to have made something for yourself to, sort of, remind you of this beach world. What was it?

Clint: Yes, of course! I took a piece of driftwood and I embedded sharks’ teeth in it and now it’s a wicked… club!

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, sure! Fuck it! Yeah, that’s cool. Like it’s a little… little, uh, warrior’s style, improvised, beach weapon.

Clint: [crosstalk] Like something that The Rock would use!

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, okay. Take one asset for your…

Clint: [crosstalk] And I’m gonna call it The Rock!

Griffin: I think this also isn’t the only— Since it’s a year, this is probably not the only gifts you made for folks but, um, with that roll, I think they were of equivalent value. But go ahead and take an asset for this thing that you made for yourself. {19:08}

Griffin: Um… Taako and Magnus…?

Travis: So I— Here’s what I’m picturing: Magnus sees a piece of driftwood. Picks it up. Stares deeply into it. Sees the grain. Is looking at the different shape of the wood, like, you know, getting it real close to his eye. And then he yells,

Magnus: Lup! Pull!

Travis: And throws it up as high as he can!

Griffin: Okay. And, sure enough, Lup just, like, Magic Missile’s it the fuck out of the sky. She actually, like… Devil May Cry style, like, combos, air-juggles, it up in the air. And she’s just, like, standing on the ship— She was very far away from you when this happened. So from, like, a hundred meters away, you just hear her shout,

Lup: Rad!

And she gives you a thumbs up. [Justin giggles] So what is this sort of, like… What are you envisioning here?

Travis: I’m envisioning it being kind of like a… a training year for Magnus but also, like, keeping everyone on their toes kind of thing.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, okay!

Travis: So, you know, just throughout the course of the year, kind of like, Magnus jumps out from behind a rock at Cap’n Port or like—

Griffin: Let’s do that! Okay, Cap’n Port just sort of walking out on the beach. He’s having some Cap’n Port time, some alone time. Um, He’s got, like, a bottle of wine that he brought from a previous world and he’s just, like, this is the place that he wants to drink it at. So he, like, sits down, rolls out a blanket, sits down on the beach. It’s sunset as the tide is rolling out and just is, like, really enjoying this glass of wine. And you— I guess this is when you pull your— [chuckles] Just makes sure he’s on his toes! You… What do you do? To, like…

Travis: Just jump out from behind a rock and yell,

Magnus: MAGNUS!


Griffin: [Laughing] Okay. I mean, he spills pretty much the entire— He throws the glass of— You know when you get, like, really scared and you’re holding something, you will just, like, launch it? I think he just, like, throws the entire glass of wine he was holding and the glass into the ocean. And was like,

Davenport: M—! What the f— Why?! That was… That was—
Magnus: You gotta be ready!

Travis: And then I run away. [Laughs]

Griffin: Um… Okay. So, you wanna do— Gimme one more. Give me one more of your surprise training regimen.

Travis: Okay. I’m gonna go with, uh… You know, Merle!

Griffin: [Laughs] Okay! What do you do to Merle?

Merle: Wh— [barfs] What?

Travis: Merle— [laughs]

Merle: [crosstalks] I’m still shell-shocked.

Travis: While Merle’s still lying sick in bed, I’m hiding underneath his bed. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: [laughing] And how does this resolve?

Travis: As he’s puking, I stand up silently beside the bed so that when he comes back from puking into a bucket, there I am.

Magnus: [whispers] Magnus.
Merle: [interrupted puking noise]—WAAAGH! Why would you do that?
Magnus: Merle! Attacks could come at any time, Merle. [whispers] You gotta be ready!

Griffin: Uh—

Magnus: [crosstalks] Magnus!

Griffin: Magnus, go ahead and roll plus heart, I guess, to see if you just fuckin’ annoy everybody, maybe—

Travis: I thought this would be experience but okay… [rolls dice]

Griffin: [crosstalks] I don’t— I don’t think it’s… Eh, well everybody else is getting experience. How about this, based on your heart roll, let’s see how you do.

Travis: I rolled a 7 plus 1, it’s an 8.

Griffin: Okay. Here’s— I’m gonna offer you a choice with that. Either you can take one bond as represented like, I don’t know, there’s probably a couple of folks on the crew who, like, enjoy this, or you can let Merle and Taako take +1 experience for your training them.

Travis: I will let them take +1 experience.

Griffin: Alright. Merle and Taako, take +1 experience.

Clint: [crosstalks] Thank you!

Justin: [crosstalks] Oh yeah!

Travis: That was my goal! [crosstalks] … my team.

Griffin: [crosstalks] Yeah, I like the way— I like the way that resolved. Taako.

Taako: What’s up?


Griffin: Do you have an idea for what you want to do?

Justin: Guess what I’m gonna do this year.

Griffin: What’s that?

Justin: I’m going to… learn to surf. [Clint laughs a bit]

Griffin: [laughs a lot] Alright, um…

Justin: I’m gonna have— First, I’m gonna work with Magnus to find a nice, light wood that he could carve into a basic shape—

Griffin: Oooh… Okay, one thing here. I don’t know if Magnus is a carpenter yet. Like, Magnus, are you a carpenter? I thought that might be something that happens eventually but, like— and obviously Magnus becomes a carpenter after we arrive on the… on Podcast Planet. But I don’t… [crosstalk] This is— I mean, we can talk—

Justin: Hey, hey—

Griffin: We can talk about this. Magnus, do you have an upbringing that would make you, like, a good carpenter? I think— It kind of felt like something that you pick up along the way.

Clint: Maybe this is where he picks it up! He’s got a whole year!

Justin: Well, I mean... I don’t— [crosstalks] I need to start surfing…

Griffin: [crosstalks] I’m not pooping this idea just… yeah.

Travis: No, I will say that like—

Justin: Hey, beloved— Also, I should mention that, like, I am a magic boy so, like, I can make another surfboard. Like,

Griffin: [crosstalks] No, this is— This is not—

Justin: I was trying to be nice for your fantasy game but, like, I can get— [Clint and Griffin laugh] I can, like, get a surfboard.

Griffin: No, this is not me trying to shoot down your idea. This is me trying to come up with, like— Trying to figure out the cool story is here. Like, is Mag-

Travis: [crosstalks] Yeah, I would say that at this point, at this point Magnus is not yet a carpenter but if you need me to hack apart a piece of wood—

Griffin: [crosstalks] But! But but but—

Travis: -to start with, I can do that.

Griffin: We have a character that just spent a whole year sort of salvaging beach materials into, like, cool shit. I think Merle, maybe, could make you surfboard pretty good at this point.

Justin: Okay…

Clint: [crosstalks] So it was cool shit! I told ya!

Travis: Um… Well…

Griffin: This surfboard’s pretty cool. Alright, you got a surfboard. What’s it look like, because I imagine you’ve got some magic to make it look righteous?

Justin: It’s a magic carpet design. It’s a Mellow Cruiser, good for lazy days and lazy waves.

Griffin: Did you just Google that or…

Justin: Nah, just kind of off the the top of my head stuff that I know about surfboards. [Clint laughing] And, uh, of course I’ll use transmutation magic to glass the outside of it because I don’t have access to fiberglass, uh, sheeting. So I’m going to use the outside to glass it. Just like a cool… surfboard.

Travis: Now, Justin, on that board will you be able to hang, like, 8 or 9…

Justin: Yeah, I’m probably going to hang 10 on this bad boy!

Travis: [crosstalks] Woah!

Justin: That’s kind of my— I know! That’s kind of my plan.

Clint: Oh, you know what? I’m gonna remember that to use as, like, a magic spell to make something fly

Justin: Perfect. I’m laying the groundwork, laying the scenes.

Clint: [crosstalks] By the way! The name of the surfboard is Woody.

Justin: No, it isn’t.

Clint: It’s Woody, yeah…

Justin: It isn’t. No. It’s called the Wavecarver. [Clint laughs] And keeping— Keeping in line with our perfect naming collections, the Wavecarver is awesome and it’s got, obviously, bitchin’ flame decals on every inch.

Griffin: [crosstalks] Okay.

Justin: Like anywhere you look at it, it looks like awesome flame decals. And I’m just going to, like—

Travis: How do you keep them from bleeding into each other?

Justin: Well, I glassed it after I put the design on there, so…

Travis: But wouldn’t all the flames— Wouldn’t it just look like one big flame?

Justin: Woah. Trav, you just described a pretty cool surfboard! [All laugh]

Griffin: Alright, what is this— I don’t think there’s anybody on the team who knows how to surf, so is this just self-taught, um— Just, like, you getting out on the waves? How does Taako know what surfing is?

Justin: I’m inventing surfing, Griffin.

Griffin: [laughs] Alright…

Justin: I’m inventing surfing. Let me tell you this, my original plan for this year was to just piss it off.

Griffin: Alright.

Justin: Like my original plan for this year was just to, like, not fucking do anything. That was my first instinct. And I feel like Taako, at some point, just got bored with that. Like, that was his first plan for, like, the first two weeks was not to do shit. Saving his energy for the challenges in classic survivor tradition. And, instead, he’s gonna try to learn how to surf.

Griffin: So you just— You just get out there and just start humping those waves or, um, just working your way up to the big pipes?

Justin: I think it started with, like, floating—

Griffin: [crosstalks] Okay.

Justin: —on the board just to, like, get away from everybody and then, eventually, got too far out and had to try to learn how to surf back in.

Clint: Didn’t, uh, Magnus throw his wood arm bracelet I gave him into the ocean?

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: Maybe that was an inspiration. You saw it floating on the water—

Griffin: Oh, that’s good! You saw it just, like, getting pushed around by the waves and you’re like, “I’d love to be on that.”

Justin: Yeah or one of the chunks that Lup blew out of the sky was floating, like, “Well that seems chill.”

Griffin: So, uh, roll plus body.

Justin: [strained] Damn, didn’t really think through that one. [Travis laughs] It’s really more about— It’s really more about heart, if you think about it.

Travis: Yeah, think about it, Griffin. You’ve seen Johnny Tsunami.

Justin: [rolls dice] Uh… Hey! That’s a 9 -1, so 8.

Griffin: Okay. Um… I don’t think— Take +1 experience. I don’t think you ever get— I don’t think you ever crush, like— I don’t think you ever crush that big— Those big pipes. I don’t think—

Justin: Incorrect.

Griffin: [crosstalks] Oh, you do—

Justin: I think I do once, right? [Clint laughs]

Griffin: Okay, here’s what—

Justin: [crosstalks] I probably, like—

Griffin: — Here’s what you do: You are a competent surfer, and you pick it up pretty quickly and you’re surfin’ pretty good. Um, and in doing so, I think you just, like— Maybe this is when you become a little bit more dexterous, right? Like, maybe this is where Sweet Flips starts going because you need some of that stuff to be, like, good at surfing.

Justin: [crosstalks] Okay.


Griffin: Um, and you… I think Lup, like, watches you surf sometimes when you, like, go out for your lessons but then she gets bored because she’s not the one surfing so she goes back to doing what she does.

Justin: [crosstalk] Sounds about right.

Griffin: But, Barry Bluejeans is, like, a big fan. Barry Bluejeans loves watching you do it. He’s kind of, like, hypnotized. So you spend a lot of the year, like, practising surfing in addition to, like, all the other hanging out that you do with everybody. Um, and after, like, one session of coming in, Barry Bluejeans is, like,

Barry Bluejeans: Wow, good day today, Taako… you, uh...

Griffin: This is what Barry sounds like, right?

Travis: Sure.

Clint: Who remembers?

Justin: Yeah, I don’t… I don’t.

Barry Bluejeans: Boy, that was a good day out there today, Taako. You were really— You were really eatin’ that foam up, just really carving that spray. Um… Hey, can I ask you, um… Can I ask you a favor?
Taako: Sure. Yeah, of course.
Barry Bluejeans: I made myself, like, pretty vulnerable here and I hope that you can appreciate that and I know that we haven’t— We’ve been traveling together for, um, two decades but we haven’t really had much time to get to know each other, um… Will you— Ah, fuck… Will you teach me how to swim?
Taako: Yeah— Wait… Oh, you’re kind of a barney, huh?
Barry Bluejeans: A what?
Taako: Barney. It’s surfer slang. It’s like an inexperienced surfer. [Clint laughing] We call it a— We call ‘em a barney.
Barry Bluejeans: I’m— I mean, I’ll never get up on that graceful board and carve that spray the way you do but just like, everybody else goes swimming all the time and I just don’t know how to do it and it’s like… It’s getting to the point where it’s like, I’m a grown-ass man and it’s just kind of—
Taako: [crosstalk] Sure.
Barry Bluejeans: —embarrassing and, I don’t know… It’s stupid. I can ask Magnus if you want I just thought, maybe. You’re just so good out there on the water that maybe—
Magnus: [from down the beach] What did you say? What did you need?
Barry Bluejeans: Boy, this beach really— Sound really carries across it, huh? [Clint laughs]
Magnus: Did you say somethin’? [Griffin laughs]
Merle: [makes barfing noise]
Magnus: I heard my name.
Barry Bluejeans: It’s just, everytime— every—
Merle: [barfing in the background]
Barry Bluejeans: Everytime Merle barfs, I hear it no matter where I am. It’s just sort of in my head constantly. Taako, will you teach me how to fucking swim, please? I’m just gettin’— I’m— Now I’m gettin’ antsy.
Taako: Yeah, my man. Dawn patrol. We’ll get out there first thing in the morning.

Griffin: Um, okay. You teach… You teach him how to swim and he’s really bad at it. And he… I think you have to sort of make him some sort of magic ear plugs in order for him to even do it but, um…

Justin: Mm-hm.

Griffin: It actually becomes like a… Like a thing. Like, every morning you go out and you get that— You get that good morning surf in and then Barry comes out to, like, root you on and then you… And then you give him some swimming lessons. Um, and now people will stop tweeting about me that I said that one of Barry’s favorite things is swimming in a cold lake on a hot day and then two episodes later say he didn’t know how to swim. [Clint laughs] Um…

Travis: Yeah, so take that!

Griffin: No, you all got me. You razzed me good. Um, and in doing so, I think you and Barry become, um, a bit closer together. Um, and roll— Roll plus Heart for me real quick.

Justin: [rolls dice] Uhh, that is… Oh, uh… 11.

Griffin: Alright, um… Hm… He says,

Barry Bluejeans: Boy, Taako I—

Griffin: It’s close to the end of the year now and you’re both very good at what you do in that big, beautiful, blue ocean. He says, uh,

Barry Bluejeans: Boy, Taako, I appreciate it. I feel like I’ve… There have been times where I haven’t been able to hang out with everybody ‘cause y’all go swimmin’ and there are times where there’s people I, like, you know, want to hang out with and I just haven’t been able to do it and that’s not a good look and it makes me look like a big nerd and I um…
Taako: Mm-hm.
Barry Bluejeans: It’s just that— I just, like— I don’t know. It’s… Nevermind, it’s stupid. Thanks for teaching me how to swim!
Taako: Wh— Well, what? I’m mean, you… You coulda just come out this. I mean what are you… Who are you afraid of looking silly in front of?
Barry Bluejeans: It’s— Don’t worry about it. It’s nothin’. I, uh… I—
Taako: Barrrry!
Barry Bluejeans: [crosstalks] We should get back to the ship.
Taako: Barry, I rolled an 11~! [all laugh] You gotta tell me Barry!

Griffin: He says, um…

Barry Bluejeans: I just think, you know, it’s like all of you… I don’t wanna be— I don’t wanna embarrass myself in front of and, like… For example, just like… For example, like… Like… Lup. I look… I look—
Taako: [crosstalk] Okay…
Barry Bluejeans: Yeah, I look up to Lup a lot. You know, I don’t wanna be out there flounderin’ around, splashin’ around like some sort of goobus so, um… Just thank— Just—
Taako: Uh, I see where you’re going with this, Barry. You— Listen, this is not a surprise to me. You’ve ever heard the term ‘locked in’? It’s when a wave crashes and the surfer is inside it.

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: [laughing] It’s more surfer terminology!

Taako: It’s like kind of one of our surfer lingos and that’s when you real—

Griffin: Real quick! Real quick! It’s been a year, is your— Is your hair longer now? Is your hair, like, sort of cru— A little bit surf crunchy?

Justin: Yeah. Better than— Better than ever, and… I have a puka-shell necklace that I made and the special thing about the enchantment that I made when I transmuted— transmutated it, is that the moment we leave this reality, it disintegrates. Like, it can’t exist outside of this. This is not my perma-look. This is just—

Griffin: Sorry, I did not mean— I did not mean to interrupt your speech to Barry. I just needed to know if you were, like, full-blown boaty or not.

Clint: Hey, do you— Do you want a, uh, seaweed leisure suit to go with your puka-necklace?

Taako: Absolutely not. I’m worried that would mess up my lines. Um, so… Barry, you’re locked in and this wave’s crashin’ all around you, my man and I— I don’t begrudge you anything. You know, we’ve lost a lot, uh, and there’s a lot more we might lose but the one thing we do have is the thing that people in love rarely ever have enough of and it’s time.
Barry Bluejeans: Oh, I— I don’t know about… You know, I don’t know about in love. It’s only been twe— Um… Twenty-one years…
Taako: Sure. Sure.
Barry Bluejeans: Sh— Shit.
Taako: Barry—
Barry Bluejeans: Um…
Taako: Barry, I— You got all the time in the world, my man.


Griffin: Alright, let’s call it there, that’s good. That’s a good cycle. Um… I don’t think— I don’t think we need to, like—

Travis: Do we escape?

Griffin: Yeah, you escape and it’s just fine—

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, whew!

Griffin: —I don’t think we need to, like, I don’t think we need to get into… Into that. I would actually like to, like, not maybe put as much an emphasis on, like, the… the end of it. But you have the Light and you fly away. This— This world is… saved, not that there was much here for them to attack, um… and maybe the last thing they see is, like, as you… Hm, you know what would be good here actually? Hmmm, is this the place to do it? I think this is the place to do it. Okay!

Uh, about a week before… the end of this cycle, um, Lucretia has been working on something this entire, uh— This entire year as, like, a gift for everybody that is, um, that she— That she’s really excited about but she’s been very reclusive about and hasn’t let you all know. Um, and when the year’s almost up, you all are having just one more beach rager, um… Is there a word for dawn patrol but at, like, night, Taako? Surfer, boaty Taako?

Justin: Regular surfing, I guess. [Travis laughs]

Griffin: I— I think you—

Travis: [crosstalks] Evening patrol.

Griffin: I think you guys just have like a nice little cook out and you see, just, Taako, just effortlessly sailing the waves. Um, and Merle, at this point, you’re all— You’re all—

Travis: [crosstalks] I sneak up on— I sneak up on Barry. [Guitar music starts playing]

Griffin: Okay. And do what?

Travis: Uh, I jump out from behind a rock but maybe, Griffin I’m gonna need you to roll to see if Barry anticipates it!

Griffin: No, I’m never gonna roll any dice while playing this game. You sneak up on him and he, like, throws his head, like, kind of forward as you sort of grab him from behind as his glasses go flying off his face. Um, and right as they’re about to be, like, dashed on the rocks, like… Lup, like reaches down and catches them really quick and hands them back to Barry who kinda blushes.

Travis: And I just whisper in his ear,

Magnus: [whispers] Magnus!

Griffin: Um, and… Taako, you come back in and you all have, like, one last, sort of, great night here and… Lucretia—

Justin: You know I’m getting a low country boil going, by the way. [Travis laughs]

Griffin: Yeah, for sure.

Justin: Noo questione.

Griffin: And Lucretia, as you all are about to go in to sleep, to leave the next morning, um, Lucretia unveils what she’s been working on and it’s just a portrait of the seven of you here in this world and you’re all wearing your uniforms and, um, for once, you all look just so happy.

[Guitar music picks up and then fades out to the sound of waves]


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