Balance – Episode 53: The Suffering Game: Chapter Three/Transcript

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Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone:

[Déjà Vu by Mort Garson begins to play in the background]

Griffin: They are beautiful elves, one female, one male. Uh, and they are dressed in these tight fitting high fashion garments of gold, and green and violet.

Male Elf: You made it! Welcome to Wonderland!
Taako: Fine, I’ll go. Yeah, I got skull.
Female Elf: All skull means is that some point in the future you will face… some pretty bad luck.

Griffin: You put your hand on the trust button and you push it down, and then you see their decision in bright red letters the word forsake appears.

Male Elf: Welcome to the Monster Factory.

Griffin: Falling down through that hatch is a cube of slime that is about fifteen feet tall and then right behind it, with a pair of beautiful, beautiful angelic wings is a humongous dire bear with bolts of crackling electricity sort of wrapping around its body. Let’s roll initiative.

Announcer: Sounds like our boys are having the slime of their lives! I can bear-ly contain my excitement. It’s The Adventure Zone!

[Déjà Vu by Mort Garson plays]


Griffin: Roll those bones, I want to hear those dice hit the table! And I, uh, want you to add your fucking initiative modifier to it and we’re gonna come up with an orderly order for this fight.

[Dice rolling]

Justin: Oh, we’re fighting that’s right.

Travis: Uh, yeah.

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: Who we fighting again?

[More dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, you’re fighting a Multiplying Electrified Flying Dire Bear [Travis “oooohs” in the background] and a Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime.

Travis: Bad news, bad news kiddies! Uh, Magnus got himself a critical fail.

Clint: Alright.

Justin: That’s initiative though, that’s fine.

Travis: Yeah, well, it’s still a let’s see a 1 plus 2: a 3!

Justin: Uh, 18 for the kid.

Griffin: Damn.

Clint: Uh, I got 10 plus 1, that’s 11.

Justin: That’s my good roll.

Travis: I’ll tell you guys what, something - this is just a fun, this is, as you know everyone here on The, uh, Adventure Zone, we routinely like to take a step out of the moment to give out helpful tips and tricks! To people playing roleplaying games at home—

Griffin: No, we’ve never, never, never, never, never done this.

Travis: --And so here’s a helpful tip and trick: look back over past, uh, character sheets to find out all the magical items and weapons you had that you promptly forgot about as soon as you got them.

[Clint chuckles]

Travis: Super great.

Griffin: Hmm. Yeah, you guys are essentially fucking demigods right now. You guys are basically like Benicio Del Toro’s character in the fuckin’ Marvel movies, and um, you don’t even realize it.

[Clint says something unintelligible as Travis speaks over him]

Travis: Like Dad do you remember you have that special item that let’s you change spells like by one letter or some shit?

Clint: Ohh yeah. I remembered.

Travis: I forgot about that, I forgot about my magnetic charge. I forgot about the tarantula's bracelet—

Griffin: No, I mean you guys are dummies, that’s, yes. Um, Justin, Taako, you are top of the order. You have, uh, you’re in this room where there’s a bunch of, sort of factory equipment hanging from the ceiling that just produced these, these two monsters.

A Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime that kinda splorched down onto the ground it’s about, um, this thing is huge, it’s about fifteen feet, I wanna say, in diameter and it’s just this bubbling green sentient slime. And flying around in the air about twenty feet up is a Dire Bear with long beautiful wings uh, that is sort of pulsating with electricity. And, uh, you’re up.

Justin: Well, you know what? I’m not gonna fuck around.

Griffin: Yeah, I was hoping. It’s been a month, I was hoping you maybe had a course of action.

Justin: Yeah, I, uh, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna cast some magical spell-

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: - on the Poisonous Slime.

Griffin: Excellent.

Justin: This spell is called “Flesh to Stone”.

Griffin: Mm. I mean, it’s slime. I wouldn’t, it definitely doesn’t have flesh.

Justin: Uh, in what reality is that not made of flesh? [Clint laughs] Its flesh is, is.. Is flesh.

Travis: Griffin, if the spell were called “Surface to Stone”, would that, would that be better for you? Is that where you want to draw the line in the sand?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah of course it would, but this is, uh, if this thing had flesh it would be a bag of skin full of fucking goo. It would, it would -

Justin: What’s holding it together then, Griffin? Surface tension?

[Someone snorts]

Griffin: Yeah?

Travis: What do you call it Griffin, what do you call it when like a pudding gets that film at the top? Is that not called a “skin”?

Griffin: Well that’s a crème, a crème brûlée. Justin -

Travis: No you’re talking, you’re talking- hold on, hold on.

Griffin: Justin read the description of the spell because if it says flesh in the spell description, I gotta cut ya off.

Justin: It has flesh! Its flesh is made of goo!

Griffin: [In a high pitched, doubting tone] Mmmm, definitely I don’t think so! [Clint chuckles] ‘Cause if we’re doing that then you could be like “Hm, the ocean, I’m gonna turn all of it to stone with this spell because the surface of this ocean is like flesh”.

Travis: If the ocean were a sentient being, Griffin, moving around attacking people, then yes, I would say he would have a leg to stand on in that argument!

Justin: Okay.

Clint: I think we have to go with what the DM says, boys–

Griffin: I can’t believe it’s been a month and we’re having an argument about whether or not slime is flesh.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: It’s like, the body, y’know? The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Griffin: [bursting into laughter] The spirit is willing, but the slime is weak. [Travis laughs] But the slime is flesh.

Justin: I’m just not gonna ca-, I’m just not gonna cast anything then.

Griffin: Oh.

Clint: [disappointed] Oohh.

Travis: Justin.

Clint: C’mon.

Griffin: C’mon, take a turn.

Travis: Don’t let Griffin wear you down.

Justin: Okay, fine. FINE!

Clint: By the way, I’d just like to point out it is no fun when somebody won’t let you do the spell you want to do.

Justin: Well mine made sense though.

Travis: Your spells are dumb, dad.

Justin: Your spells are just so bad-

Griffin: I would actually-

Clint: Wait ‘till later this episode, my friend.

Griffin: I would actually say this clip is currently being played in a top five, uh, least appropriate spell usage compilation video on YouTube. [Clint laughs in the background] It’s probably ranking number two, maybe one.

Justin: Alright, I’m gonna cast a different spell on this stupid ass slime, it’s called “Disintegrate”.

Griffin: Oh shit.

Justin: [laughing] Fuck you. It, uh, there’s this thin green ray that springs from my pointing finger, um, but I’m gonna have it come out of my butt, ‘cause that’s how I do.

Clint: Nice.

Griffin: Oh, interesting.

Justin: Yeah, it’s a different thing so it looks like a laser fart. And the target, uh– well, listen; it’s gotta make a dexterity saving throw.

Griffin: Oh, that’s not this thing’s jam. I do wanna ask, um, you’re using your butt and not the Umbra Staff right? ‘Cause if you use the Umbra Staff you get the spell bonus.

Justin: I’m holding the Umbra Staff with my butt.

Griffin: Channeling it!

[Griffin and Travis laugh]

Clint: It’s like a fraternity hazing!

Travis: I loved when they recast Taako as Adam Sandler. I really appreciated that, it was good.

[Clint and Justin laugh]

Justin: And everybody’s bustin’ up, that’s the other thing about it. Everybody’s lolling.

Travis: Even the Bear loves it!

Justin: [laughing] They’re loving it!

Griffin: That’s a big 7.

Justin: Okay, that’s not gonna pass.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: So now you’re gonna take 10d6 damage.

Griffin: Oh my god.

[Clint and Travis simultaneously go “whoa”, Clint laughs]

Justin: Uhh...

Clint: That’s the one with six.

Justin: Thanks, papa, I don’t have a six in there.

Griffin: How do you not have a six, it comes with every board game.

Justin: My daughter-

Griffin: Eats them for power?

Justin:--plays with them. I got it, got it. [Dice rolling] Uhh, let’s see 5… Dad, count this for me.

Travis: You say it, I got it.

[Dice rolling]

Justin: 1.

Travis: 6.

Justin: 5.

Travis: 11.

Justin: 4.

Travis: 15.

Justin: 5- no, sorry, 1- sorry, 1, Trav.

Travis: Oh, 16.

Justin: Another 1, damn.

Travis: 17.

Justin: 2.

Travis: 19.

Justin: How many is that, Dad?

Clint: Six, I think.

Travis: It’s seven. You’ve done seven and it was 19.

[Dice rolling continues]

Justin: 3.

Travis: That’s 22.

Justin: 4.

Travis: 26.

Justin: 1.

Travis: 27.

Griffin: Alright, um, wow, that was a huge, huge hit on this thing.

Justin: And then I, and then I, sorry, I add 40 to that.

Griffin: What?

Justin: Yeah!

Griffin: No, is it 10d6 plus 4?

Justin: No, sir. Uh, no sir, that’s 10d6 plus 40, um, damage.

Griffin: Wait. Really?

Justin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Travis: It’s called “Disintegrate”, Griffin!

Justin: It’s called “Disintegrate”, it’s not called like “Loving Caress from a New Lover”! [Clint chuckles]

Travis: Though it is now!

Griffin: Jesus.

Justin: Oh, if it kills it, it disintegrates and I’m gonna need to hear that.

Griffin: Uh, so you didn’t quite--Jesus, you really swept the legs out from - that’s a sixth level spell, right? Like, you’re burning the big guns.

Justin: Yeah, I burned a sixth level spell, I wasn’t gonna fuck around.

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you uh, you. Okay. Here’s what this did: because this is a Multiplying Regenerating Poisonous Slime, uh, you - I swear you almost took it completely down with this one attack. But you, blasted it with the ray, and some of it did get disintegrated off, some of its slime evaporated into the air. And right when that happened, it split in two and became two smaller slimes.

But the beam I guess also hit one of those smaller slimes and disintegrated it as well and it kept refracting like that around the room hitting different smaller parts of the slime as it splits off. And so the only things that’s left now are three like pretty small, like up to your knee sized, poisonous regenerating slimes.

Justin: Great. Fantastic.

Griffin: Yeah. And next up in the order is the Multiplying Flying Electrified Dire Bear. Uh, and what they are going to do is. Hm. The Bear’s gonna fly down at Magnus, um, but before it does, uh, a sort of wave of electricity comes off of it and then it sort of flies to the side of this Flying Bear and then immediately right to next, uh, is another Flying Electrified Dire Bear, but this one’s body isn’t made of, like, Bear stuff - like the Dire Bear’s is - this one is just a projection made out of electricity. So now there’s two of these things, one made of bear and one just completely made out of electricity, uh, and both of them are going to fly down and do attacks on Magnus -

Travis: Super cool.

Griffin: - both just kind of swiping down paws first from the sky. [Dice roll] The first one, the Bear one, rolls a 21.

Travis: Against what?

Griffin: Against AC.

Travis: Uh, yeah, I think that’s fine. Uh, yeah, yeah no that’s good. Wait, how big is it?

Griffin: Uh, it’s pretty, I mean it’s a Dire Bear so it’s probably like ten feet.

Travis: Is it big enough that I can use my ring?

Griffin: Yeah, you definitely get your ring bonus.

Travis: And does the tie go to the runner in that circumstance?

Griffin: Nah, I think tie goes to the hitter.

Travis: [groans] Then it ties, it ties me.

Griffin: Okay. And the electric one… [Dice roll] … only rolls a 14.

Travis: That’s not good enough. That’s NOT good enough, Griffin! You failed!

Griffin: The Electricity Bear comes down and swipes, and you dodge down and out of the way but while you’re dodging you’re sort of oblivious to the Bear-Meat Bear, uh, who hits you for… [Dice rolling] 21 damage, [Travis “woos”] and I also need you to make a constitution saving throw.

Travis: Cool, cool. I’m not bad at that.

Griffin: Well, we’ll see won’t we?

[Dice roll]

Travis: Uh, that’s a 17.

Griffin: Okay. As it swipes its claw into you you feel like a charge of electricity course through you, but you shake it off.

Travis: So, what you said, sorry, just to confirm, 21 points of damage that’s Empirical, 21 Empirical points of damage? Not metric?

Griffin: What the fuck are you talking about?

[Clint laughs]

Travis: 21 is just a lot, in one hit? It’s one fifth of my life?

Griffin: Yeah, I mean, we’re at-- we’re in the endgame I don’t know what to tell you.

Travis: [quietly] … Okay.

Griffin: And with that both Bears, uh, sort of pull back and start flying back up a bit closer to the ceiling. Um...

Travis: So one bear, just so I’m picturing this correctly, is entirely like -

Griffin: Made of electricity.

Travis: Like Superman in the late 90s?

Griffin: How fuckin’– how fuckin’ rock ‘n’ roll is that?

Justin: [quietly in the background] It’s pretty rock ‘n’ roll.  

Travis: And the other bear just has a mild electrical charge like someone rubbed a balloon on his head?

Griffin: Correct.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: The three Slimes, which are about knee high, before they do anything, they regenerate. And the three slimes which were about knee level boost themselves back up and... boy this is gonna get complicated quick... Now they’re all about waist high. Uh, and two of them are gonna go for Taako who disintegrated their bigger form, and one of them is gonna go for Merle.

Um, uh, Taako make two dexterity saving- actually no, I’m just gonna roll attacks ‘cause they’re small now. I came up with all these great mechanics for the Slime, like different attacks that it did when it was in its big form and different attacks when it was in its small form. But you kinda… [chuckles, rolls dice] disintegrated its big form.

Justin: I made it more annoying apparently, only.

Griffin: Yeah. 15 versus AC?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: That’s a hit?

Justin: That’s a hit, yeah.

Griffin: Okay. [Dice roll] And 19 versus AC?

Justin: [laughs] That one doesn’t actually, weirdly.

Griffin: [laughs] Weird, that’s crazy how that works!

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: They hit you for... [Dice rolling]

Clint: Wait, I thought one was hitting me.

Griffin: Oh, no, I’m gonna do you in a second. Uh, those two hit you for 17 points of poison damage.

Travis: Is that just a melee attack, Ditto?

Griffin: Yeah, I have the attack listed as “pound”, um...yeah.

Travis: Yeah, um, I am a protection fighter.

Griffin: Okay, yeah what are you doing.

Travis: Disadvantage on the attack.

Griffin: Uh, you use your reaction for that, right?

Travis: Yeah, so, because -

Griffin: So you can only do, you can only do it once. You only get one reaction per round. Um.

Travis: Yeah, I can’t do it, I can’t do it for both attacks, but…

Griffin: Sure, we’ll do it for the second- the higher one, the 19. [Dice roll] Oh, yeah, that’s a 10, so. That gets blocked right?

Justin: Oh yeah. 10? Yeah.

Griffin: Then you actually only get hit for... 11 points of damage.

Justin: Groovy. Thanks Trav.

Griffin: Uh, the other one’s gonna come for you, Merle. [Dice roll]

Clint: Bring it, hoss!

Griffin: Uh, that is a 19 versus AC.

Clint: Oh.

Justin: It’s been broughten.

[Travis laughs]

Clint: It done– it done got brought.

Travis: It sounds broughten right there.

Griffin: It’s gonna hit you, oh, just for 9 points of damage. Poison damage.

Clint: Ah.

Griffin: Which, you may be resistant to actually?

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: I do have a resistance to poison, so what does that mean?

Griffin: I don’t know. Uh, yeah you have resistance against poison damage so you only take 5 points of damage.

Justin: Nice!

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: Wow, this fight was supposed to be really hard. I wish you hadn’t disintegrated this big slime, Taako.

Justin: [chuckling] Well if you had let me fuckin’ turn it to stone, I wouldn’t have!

Griffin: Um, Merle, you are up next.

Clint: Alright, where are the three slimes?

Griffin: Uh, two of them are kind of on Taako and one of them’s on you. Not on you, they’re not like consuming you or anything like that.  

Clint: How far away from each other?

Griffin: Um, the three of you didn’t specify that you moved around when you came into this room so I’m assuming the three of you are within like five feet of each other. So, they are within five feet of each other.

Clint: Okay, then at a point ten feet away from us, uh and yet encompassing-

Griffin: Yeah, I gotcha.

Clint: -Encompassing them. I’m casting “Flame Strike”.

Griffin: Holy shit.

Justin: Nice.

Clint: It is a ten foot radius, forty foot high cylinder-

Griffin: Hey bud I got news for you, that’s gonna hit those fuckin’ bears too.

Clint: Uh, and each creature takes 4d6 fire damage and 4d6 radiant damage.

Griffin: ‘kay.

Clint: They have to make a dexterity saving throw.

Griffin: Hoo boy. You guys really playing to these slimes’ weaknesses, huh?

[Justin laughs, dice rolls in the background]

Clint: Hey, this ain’t our first day on the beach.

Griffin: Um, Slime One fails. [Dice roll] Slime Two passes, what was it? What was the dexterity saving throw? It’s 8 plus your spell casting modifier.

Clint: Uhh, 8 plus, [sighs] why do I never remember my spellcasting modifier.

Griffin: I dunno dude, write it, buy a red marker and write it down.

Clint: But I got it on this screen you gave me!

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: This magic screen!

Clint: Plus 8!

Griffin: So 16.

Clint: So then plus-- okay?

Griffin: So, uh, the first one failed, the second one passed, [Dice roll] - the third slime failed, Jesus. Uh, the meat bear [Dice roll] - crits, the electricity bear [Dice roll] - does not crit. Uh, okay so you’re gonna hit two of the slimes and the electricity bear with this.

Clint: Right, so I’m rolling 4 fire damage-

Griffin: 4d6.

Clint: [rolling dice] Oh, I thought you said 46. Are you counting for me?

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: 4, 4, 5, 3.

Justin: So that’s–

Clint: 4,4,5,3.

Travis: 16.


Clint: 16-

Justin: Fire damage.

Clint: [rolling dice] and here’s the radiant damage. 2, 4-

Justin: Dropped it on the floor.

Clint: 6! I swear to God!

Justin: It’s a 6, he swears to God. He’s not Travis, so you can probably believe it.

Travis: Fair, fair. Cuts deep, but it’s fair.

Clint: [sighs] And 1.

Justin: And 1, that’s how you know it’s legit. [laughs quietly]

Travis: 13.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Okay, uh -

Justin: 16 fire, 13 radiant, right?

Griffin: You disintegrate the two other slimes, uh-

Clint: Wooo!

Griffin: - Uh, also this does half damage to everything that passes the-

Clint: Exactly.

Griffin: So, what was the total damage?

Travis: 29.

Griffin: The electric bear is gone, that projection disappeared basically as soon as it was hit. Um, so it’s just gone. And 29, so, 16 damage for the dire bear and the other slime. Okay this other slime-

Justin: Wait, half of 29 would not be 16.

Griffin: You’re right, it would be 15 rounding up, right? 15 right. Okay, then you just save this slime a little bit of trouble. This slime, the remaining slime that passed the save is now like, it’s like somebody opened a canister of Gak and upended it onto the ground, um and is ankle-high. The dire bear still looking pretty fuckin’ good though. Really fucking good.

Clint: Did I just kill three creatures?

Justin: That’s great Dad, congratulations!

Everyone: Yay!

Clint: Christmas came early this year!

Justin: 2016, not all bad.

Griffin: Please, Taako and Merle, keep track of the spells that you have used.

Clint: Oh, yeah.

Justin: Yeah, I got it.

Griffin: ‘Cause I mean you’re burning the big guns and that’s cool and you’re trivialising this fight and that’s great and all, but you gotta mark it down.

Travis: I’ve had a long time to think about what Magnus is gonna do.

Griffin: Good, because it is your turn.

Travis: And it’s all gonna hinge on one question, Griffin.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: We’re in a room with a bunch of machinery right?

Griffin: Mmhm.

Travis: Are there any like pipes or gears or anything near me?

Griffin: Um, there are, I mean there is some like - there’s no loose metal-

Travis: Attached to the ground, I get that.

Griffin: I mean yeah, there’s probably some machinery lining this circular room and then hanging from the ceiling is a bunch of some big ass industrial machinery.

Travis: Perfect.

Griffin: So if you wanted to like, you could probably find yourself a pipe or something.

Travis: I have a complicated plan that I’m gonna do.

Griffin: Oh, Jesus.

Travis: It’s been awhile since I did a ridiculous maneuver, [Griffin: Alright] so here’s what I’m gonna do. First, step one: use waterskin on rope, soak rope. Step two-

Griffin: What are you- what is this quest for glory fuckin’ puzzle? What is this Kings’s Quest puzzle?

Travis: This is-

Justin: Put the rubber chicken on the pulley and then- [laughs]

Travis: Uh-huh. Step two: Tie rope to Chance Lance and grappling hook.

Griffin: Okay, okay I- oh man, you gotta, I need you to sympathise with me, Trav, this is so much stuff to take place in six seconds!

Travis: I’ve just been standing- no, I’ve been doing this while Merle and Taako and the dire bear and everybody have been doing everything. I’ve just been slowly, like, wetting the rope and tying the rope to the- I would say these are all simple actions, Griffin. And plus at this point, I get like four attacks, so like you could take like three of my attacks away.

Griffin: That’s fair. I’ll make you a deal, if you burn your one daily bonus action, actually I think you have two and you used one in the woods so if you use your other one for this then it’s- I’ll say you can do all of this.

Travis: Alright, I’ll do that, ‘cause Taako used a level six spell and I wanna do something cool too.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: So I’m gonna hook my grappling hook – since I’ve already used it in the woods I can’t fire it again – I’m just gonna hook it on a piece of metal and I’m gonna throw the chance lance at the electrified dire bear.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: But first, first I’m gonna say “you’ve been a bad boy, and you’re grounded”.

Griffin: Ooh, I see. Uh, okay, make an attack roll.

[Dice roll]

Travis: That is 18 plus 9, 27!

Griffin: So you basically attached this thing to some machinery, while it was wet, and okay, and then, right?

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: You are tethering this thing with a wet rope to some machinery on the ground.

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: ‘Mmkay. Uh.

Justin: Do you imagine, sorry -

Griffin: Yeah, no, it’s wet and wild.

Justin: Sorry, but do you imagine wet ropes are conductive?

Travis: More so than dry ropes.

[Justin & Clint burst into hysterical laughter]

Justin: Well, I’ll grant you that!

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Um, roll, um, roll damage.

Travis: Oh yeah, um let’s see -

Justin: I hope he just kills it. [starts laughing again] Nothing would make me happier!

Travis: Let’s see, that’s 1d8 [Dice roll] 3 plus 5, so that’s 8 damage.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, I like that it’s not very much because what this does is you see like straight up Benjamin Franklin flying a fuckin’ kite, you see this bear’s charge of electricity, uh, shoot down the rope and you actually narrowly avoid it as it travels down the rope and it hits this ring of machinery on the ground of this circular room.

And simultaneously these interconnected machines shoot a shower of sparks up into the sky and it looks fuckin’ badass. And this bear, its wings, uh, they – they kinda burn off? – and there’s a horrible smell in the air and it comes crashing down into the ground but it lands on all fours and it roars at you menacingly. But you have grounded the electrified multiplying dire bear.

Travis: Okay, now I’m gonna use my second attack.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: To attack it, you know, with, uhh, with the Railsplitter.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Ohh, nope, nope that’s a crit 1!

Griffin: Yeah, that does not-

Travis: Goodbye this d20! [laughs]

Griffin: Okay, you, you -

Travis: That’s two crit 1s with you!

Griffin: You do some badass shit and send this dire bear crashing to the ground, and as you approach it to attack it with your ax it looks at you with a sense of respect, but then you like whiff. So bad.

Travis: So hard!

Griffin: And then that bear is like: [confused, disappointed grunting].

[Travis laughs, imitates confused grunts]

Griffin: Uh, okay so back to the top of the order, we still have a very small slime and we have the grounded dire bear. Taako, before you do anything… You, um, I want you to make a dexterity saving throw and you’re gonna have some disadvantage on it.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: So you’re gonna roll twice and take the lower two of the rolls.

[Dice rolling]

Justin: ‘Kay. [Rolls dice again]

Griffin: What was that first one?

Justin: 4. Second one’s a 10.

Griffin: ‘Mkay. Um I wasn’t sure if you should have disadvantage on that, but regardless both of those fail… Somethin’.. Something unlucky happens.

Justin: Hachi ma- oh no. Oh no, aw beans.

Travis: [laughs] Oh, dang.

Griffin: You feel something, um, tap your shoulder. And you hear “clinkclinkclinkclink” and you look down and there is a bolt, like a nuts and bolts bolt laying on the ground. And, not a second after you see that bolt on the ground, one of these giant pieces of a washing machine sized piece of industrial machinery, uh, falls from the ring on the ceiling, and lands on you.

Justin: You’re gonna kill America’s favourite wizard.

[Clint chuckles]

Travis: As played by Adam Sandler.

Clint: Use your butt power!

Griffin: [rolling dice] Oh my god. Hey, how much, how much health does Taako have?

Justin: I’m not gonna tell you.

[Dice rolling]

Griffin: Oh, tell me.

Justin: No, I’m not gonna tell you.

Griffin: [very guilty, high pitched tone] How’s uhhh, how’s, what’s uhh, what’s 39 points of damage do for you?

Justin: Nah, I’m good.

Griffin: [sighs, relieved] Okay, you are also pinned under this heavy piece of machinery.

Justin: I’m not good, hold on! [laughs]

Clint: He’s not happy!

Justin: I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression, shit is whack.

Griffin: Um, you’re pinned. You’re prone, and you’re pinned underneath this huge piece of heavy machinery, let’s say it like, uh, hit you at the waist and so you are pinned under this thing and you’re like, you’re fuckin’ like - and we don’t really get into this like we always talk about sort of in the abstract damage, but you’re like hurt. A fuckin’ washing machine fuckin’ fell like ten feet and landed on you. Um, so that’s where you’re at and it is now your turn.

Justin: That was, it was pretty unlucky. It’s my turn to do something, huh?

Griffin: Mmhm.

Justin: Hmm. What does prone mean exactly?

Griffin: You can’t move and um, if you make a melee attack on something that isn’t prone, you have disadvantage. There’s a few sort of effects.

Justin: ‘Mkay. Umm.

Griffin: Usually getting up from prone takes your entire move action, but you have a washing machine on you so, um, you would need to deal with that before you can stand up obviously.

Justin: Uhh, okay.

Clint: So is it an actual washing machine? I mean are we at Ollie's?

Griffin: No, that’s just what it looks like. It’s a, it’s a piece of like assembly line machinery that you can’t really identify. It’s just that’s the size of it.

Justin: I’m gonna cast “Blink”.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: It’s verbal, oooh! [Dice roll] Alright, and I vanish into the ethereal plane.

Griffin: Okay. Uhh, oh man. So you vanish into the ethereal plane, other boys you hear a “ku-chunk!” as the machinery falls the rest of the way now that it’s not being held up by Taako’s legs. Um, what do you see? Fuck. I want you to see something cool in the ethereal plane.

Travis: He sees Rogue One, two days before it comes out.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Yeah it’s great, you see it and it’s surprisingly– it’s pretty good!

Justin: Loving it.

Griffin: Loving it.

Justin: Wasn’t psyched about a side story, but mm, really well made.

Griffin: Um, in the ethereal plane… Oh, okay, I think I know what you see. It’s- hey it’s been awhile since you’ve Blinked, hadn’t it?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: It’s been a few story arcs, the last time you blinked I believe you were in the lobby of the Goldcliff trust, the bank, and you saw some creatures– small creatures with these bright, white eyes, um, that were kind of lookin’ at’cha. Kinda watching you, and there were a few in that ethereal version of the lobby. Um.

You see them again in the ethereal version of this room, but Taako, they are lining the walls. There are hundreds of them, all looking at you, and as soon as you appear and as soon as you see them, they just sort of scurry back through the walls and blink out of existence. But for a second you -

Justin: What did they look like?

Griffin: They look like, um…

Travis: Compare them to a muppet.

Griffin: Hm, that’s a tough one. They look vaguely humanoid, they have sort of long featureless arms and legs and then sort of, um, uh, almost kinda cute, I guess-

Travis: So like Salacious Crumb?

Griffin: I don’t know, yes, sure. Uh, but their defining feature are their big old white eyes. And their bodies are white too and made of an ethereal- um I mean everything in the ethereal plane is made up of this wispy white material, um, and so yeah these little like one foot tall humanoid, vaguely humanoid beings were kind of spying on you, and they disappear as soon as you Blink.

Justin: Great, great.

Griffin: But you are now freed from the, uh, the machinery and you can stand up, but I believe that’s your move and your actions. So, I think you’re done.

Justin: Sounds good.

Griffin: ‘Kay, so next in the order is the dire bear who’s, I mean, uhhh, the first thing that the dire bear does is roar and another wave of electricity comes off of him and now there is another electrified dire bear, um, well just one because Merle destroyed the other one. Uh, and the two dire bears are gonna come at Magnus again because he keeps steppin’.

Travis: I keep poking the bear.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: You keep poking the bear.

Travis: With my Chance Lance.

Griffin: Actually, only the electric bear is gonna come in for that swipe attack, uh the electric bear [dice roll] - rolls an 18.

Travis: That is a miss!

Griffin: That’s a miss, okay, you nimbly dodge out of the way of the electric bear’s swipe. The bear-bear is going to charge up a beam of electricity uh, that he shoots at the ground in your direction and it kinda makes a small explosion. And actually, Imma need - oh Taako, you’re in a different plane, but Merle and Magnus make a dexterity saving throw to get out of the way of this explosion.

Clint: ‘Kay.

Travis: [mumbling] Let’s see… dex.

Justin: I’m laughing my ass off.

[Dice rolling]

Travis: 18 plus 2, that’s a 20.

Clint: 17 plus 1, that’s 18.

Griffin: Fuck me, danger squad!

Travis: Well I switched to my good d8, or my good d20.

Griffin: I guess.

Justin: [cracking up with laughter] Well, I, I like that - don’t go crazy. I got - [wheeze-laughs] somebody dropped a washing machine on me and I got squished into a ghost, so it’s like, not-

[Clint and Griffin chuckling]

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: It’s not foolproof!

Travis: [laughs] We’re not firing on all cylinders.

Griffin: Everybody, everybody dodges out of the way of both bears’ electric attacks. Uh, next in the order is the little slime [Travis giggles] that regenerates and now it’s not so little anymore. Uh, in fact it’s about back up to knee height. Uh, and it is gonna take a swing at, uh, I think it saw that its brethren didn’t really make much headway hitting Merle so it’s gonna hit Magnus. [Dice roll] Uh, 22 versus AC.

Travis: Yeah, that hits.

Griffin: And you definitely don’t get your ring, this thing is adorable.

Travis: No, yeah, I get it. I just got bit by Ditto, I know what’s up.

Griffin: Uhh, that is 15 points of poison damage.

Travis: Yeeeep. Mmhmm.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Yep, that sounds about [sounds like “aboot”] right.

Griffin: Merle, you’re up next.

Clint: Update me, Magnus.

Travis: Oh I’m fine, that takes me -you said 15, Ditto?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Travis: I’m at 75, I’m fine.

Clint: [sighs]

Griffin: You got this slime that keeps regenerating and you have a bear that is still looking pretty healthy and an electric clone of that bear.

Clint: If, if, uh, I cast healing I can’t heal Taako, correct?

Griffin: No, he is not in the same plane as you.

Clint: I cast “Wind Wall”.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Oooh!

Clint: “Wind Wall”, a wall of strong wind rises from the ground at a point you choose within range, you can make the wall up to fifty feet long, fifteen feet high and one foot thick. You shape the wall in any way you choose as long as it makes one continuous path across the ground. When the wall appears each creature within its area must make a strength saving throw, a creature takes 3d8 bludgeoning damage on a failed save.

Griffin: Or half as much on a successful save.

Clint: Or half as much on a successful one.

Griffin: Uhh, interesting. Also it keeps fog, smoke and other gasses at bay. Small or smaller flying creatures or objects can’t pass through the wall. Uh, wow this is a cool little spell! Okay, so -

Clint: Thank you, Jeremy!

Griffin: Thanks, Jeremy, so I’m gonna say you could probably get these three remaining enemies in a line and get the wall under them, which I’m assuming you’re doing.

Clint: Yes. It’s exactly what I’m doing.

Griffin: Okay. The dire bear, meat-bear is gonna go first for a strength saving throw which is actually what this thing is pretty good at [dice roll] - uh yeah that’s a 21. The electric bear [dice roll] - did not save, uh, and the slime [dice roll] - also did not save. Okay, so the small slime and the electric bear didn’t save, the meat bear did.

Clint: Alright, so 3d8. [dice rolling] 8.

Justin: Noice.

Clint: [Dice roll] 2.

Travis: 10.

Justin: Thanks Trav.

Clint: [Dice roll] 6.

Travis: 16.

Griffin: Okay, uh, the windwall as soon as it touches the electric bear, it just disappears, um the slime gets blown upward into one of those pieces of machinery in the ceiling and just splats and is gone. The slime has been vanquished. Uh, the dire bear gets blown backwards a little bit, and takes 8 damage and is only just now starting to show some signs of wear and tear.

Clint: Oh, crap.

Griffin: Yeppp. Uh, next in the order is-

Justin: I never thought I would say this out loud but, thank God for Merle.

Clint: Yes!

Travis: Yeah!

Clint: [in a singsong tone] Thank God for Merle~!

Travis: Only one person’s doing any damage, well aside from Taako disintegrating the slime which still: nice.

Clint: That helped me. That helped me in my campaign.

Griffin: Magnus -

Clint: Thank Pan, I’m sorry, thank Pan.

Griffin: Magnus, you are up.

Travis: Okay. I’m gonna reach into my pocket and pull out a handful of jerky and I’m gonna kind of wave it in front of the bear. Try some like, horse whisperer shit.

Griffin: Oh, oh my sweet boy, my sweet boy.

Travis: Try to mesmerize it with jerky. Is it having any effect?

Griffin: [exasperated] No.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: This thing only eats one thing and it’s batteries.

Travis: Then I’m gonna take a bite of the jerky and flip him off real hard-

Griffin: [angry] And that’s your turn??

Travis: - and say- no, no, no! That’s all free action!

Griffin: That’s flavour.

Travis: Flipping him off is free action!

Griffin: Oh, okay, that’s just how D&D works-

Clint: Let me tell my guide.

Griffin: - you just tell me what free actions are.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Flipping off is free action.

Travis: Uh, I’m going to switch to - I put my shield away to switch to two handed Railsplitter and attack.

Griffin: Oh, okay. This old chestnut.

Travis: Mhm. [Dice roll] That’s 17 plus 9, 26.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a hit.

Travis: And it’s a d10, can I - oh yeah, and 8 points of damage again.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Um. I’m also going to, y’know what, I’m also going to go ahead and use “Goading Attack”.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: When attack lands, uhh-

Griffin: Yeah, it has to attack you or else, well, it has to roll a save right?

Travis: Yeah.

[Dice roll]

Travis: So you gotta beat a 16.

[A dog begins to bark in the background.]

Griffin: [Dice roll] I did not, I rolled an 11.

Travis: Yeah, okay, so it either needs to attack me or have disadvantage.

[Dog continues to bark in the background]

Griffin: Is that the sound of, is that the dire bear like making-

Travis: Yeah, that’s the dire bear getting so pissed. Yeah, so the dire bear either needs to attack me or have disadvantage.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And then I’m gonna attack again with a two handed ax for my second attack. [Dice roll, loud bark] Well, that’s probably not gonna hit, 7 plus 9, 16 versus AC?

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a hit.

Travis: Oh, really?

Griffin: Yeah, do you want to help your dog?

[Dog barks]

Travis: [far from the mic] Teresa’s got her.

Clint: Sounds like she’s doing pretty good.

Travis: Yeah-

Griffin: It’s a healthy, a healthy dog. That’s a healthy sounding pup.

Travis: We’ve had a lot of packages delivered to the house because it’s the holiday season and Buttercup fuckin’ hates it!

Griffin: Hmmm. Yeah, sure. [Clint laughs] Uh, okay, roll damage.

[Dog barks]

Travis: Um, that’s d10 [dice roll] 6 plus 9, 15.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Oh, uh, sorry no plus 5, 11. So, 19 points of damage total.

Griffin: Cool. Alright, this thing’s starting to look pretty bad.

Travis: Uh, and then I’m gonna use cunning action, uh…

Griffin: To get away?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: To disengage, but like back 10 feet.

Griffin: Sure, um, okay next in the order is Taako. Taako, you are in the ethereal plane, um– you can move around, pop out and take an action at will.

Justin: Uh yeah, I actually, I automatically pop out at the beginning of my turn, I realize.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Justin: Yeah, um-

Griffin: Where did you move to while you were in the- well you just stood up that’s right, okay.

Justin: Yeah, I basically just stood up.

Griffin: So you’re basically back into the material plane standing in front of that piece of machinery.

Justin: I’m near my body, but, er, uh, I’m near where the thing fell.

Griffin: Yeah, I gotcha.

Justin: But I’m, uh, far as I could get away from the bear. How’s the bear looking?

Griffin: Uh, it’s bloodied. It’s, uh, yeah. Actually while you don’t see blood coming out of it, you see sparks.

Clint: [groans in awe]

Justin: Cool.

Travis: Wait-

Clint: Oh, this is that big ass bear from the Dark Tower series!

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Oh shit.

Travis: Also, Mor’du from Brave. There’s a lotta big bears in pop culture.

Clint: Yeah, the big polar bear from The Golden Compass.

Travis: The dad from the Berenstain Bears.

Griffin: How do you know any, how do you remember any of- yeah, the dad from The Berenstain Bears: the famous mechanical bear.

[Travis chuckles]

Griffin: [In a low, deep voice unlike Papa Berenstain bear] “I don’t even know how I had you kids. I’m all cyber parts.”

Clint: Paddington at the very end when the magic spell hits him and he turns into a fifty foot high bear, goes crazy.

Griffin: Mmhm. Hey Taako, you gonna– what’s-

Travis: Corduroy.

Griffin: Hey, what’s the magical plan, Taako?

Justin: Uhh, [sighs]

Clint: We talk about cinematic bears?

Travis: We can talk about bears some more, do you guys remember Corduroy when he-

Griffin: Oh, I just really don’t want this episode to be this whole fight. I would like to do other stuff as well.

[Clint chuckles]

Justin: Uh, so, what, is he still tethered? To the thing?

Griffin: Yeah, you know what? He is, but the machinery it’s deactivated. But he is still, he is still- I mean, Magnus, you didn’t retrieve the Chance Lance, right?

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: Which you can do magically and at will, so yeah it’s still in him and the rope has still got him, it’s like through one of his legs and there’s a lot of sparks coming out of that leg.

Clint: Aww.

Travis: Dad, no pity for the bear.

Clint: Sorry.

Justin: Uh. Yeah, I don’t feel bad for the bear. Um, I just don’t, I just was trying to think of something fun to do, but I feel like maybe I should just attack it.

Travis: Mhm.

Clint: Well, that could be fun!

Justin: That could be fun, it’s fun in its own way.

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: Um, okay, I, y’know what I’m just gonna cast um… I’m just gonna cast “Ice Storm”.

Griffin: Oh, fuck.

Justin: Been using a lot of elements. Fuck this guy, I’m done. Um, he has got to make a dexterity saving throw.

Griffin: Okay. [Dice roll] … 7.

Justin: Soo, not great. Uh [laughs] just a forty foot high cylinder of rock hard ice is just pounding into the ground.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Just super aroused ice.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: Yeah, uh, he’s near the edge of the cylinder so we’re not taking any damage. No going there.

Griffin: Yeah the room’s bigger than a twenty foot radius, so you can position this further away.

Justin: Yeah, so we’re gonna get a 2d8 bludgeoning damage-

Travis: Does this include the slimes? Are there still slimes?

Justin: 5, no, they’re gone.

Griffin: Slimes are dead.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: 11 bludgeoning damage and [dice roll] - 1, 4, 7, 8. 8 cold damage.

Griffin: So how much total?

Clint: 19?

Justin: 19.

Griffin: Okay, uh, you create this column of frost that is so thick you kinda can’t see through it, and the bear starts to charge you to try to escape from this column of frost, but he doesn’t clear the frost and as the column dissipates, you see this bear is frozen solid and defeated.

Travis: Are we out of combat?

Griffin: Yeah.

[Clint says something but is outspoken by Travis]

Travis: I whack him with my ice! Or, with my ax! I wanna shatter him!

Griffin: It sounded like Merle also wanted to do that.

Travis: Oh, okay.

Griffin: I think it’s a race to the finish.

Justin: I kick it over.

Clint: No, I was gonna use my spell Speak With Animals to say “SCREW YOU BEAR!”

Travis: Then I hit him!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Then I hit him with the axe!

Justin: Good spell slot usage.

Griffin: So everybody kinda teabags this bear, um and uh-

[Justin, Clint and Travis giggle and chuckle]

Justin: Oh, and then Taako falls over and starts vomiting blood.

[Travis laughs]

Clint: Eww.

Justin: Yeah, it’s really bad. He’s hurt very badly. [Laughs] He’s injured really badly.

Travis: Meanwhile, Merle is just screaming at a bear while Magnus just kicks it on the ground.

Clint: Can I cast “Mass Cure Wounds”?

Griffin: Sure.

Travis: Yes!

Clint: I cast “Mass Cure Wounds”.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: 3d8 plus my spell modifier [dice rolling] so it’s great, 1, 8, 2 that’s 11-

Justin: Jesus, so you basically just went and got me a Coca-Cola.

Clint: [laughs] Plus 8, so 19.

Justin: Merle sheepishly hands me three ibuprofen and takes one back to save for later.

Griffin: Actually, um, you cast that spell, the Mass Cure Wounds and uh, the three of you feel like some of your wounds closing up, but Merle something feels off while you’re casting this spell. Like, you’re channeling Pan’s divinity every time you cast one of these divine spells, and it’s not - it’s not as strong as it usually was and so you actually only heal everybody for 11 points of damage.

[Collective sighs]

[“Wonderland Round One” begins to play as Griffin speaks]

Griffin: And as soon as your wounds kind of get stitched up a little bit and healed, you hear those two voices again and, you see, the two people that you saw, the two elves that you saw when you first came into Wonderland and the male Elf says:

Male Elf: Now-

Griffin: God, now I gotta remember Jessie/James, right, Jessie and James from Pokemon.

Male Elf: Now, hold on just a second, what do you think you’re doing?

Griffin: And the female Elf says:

Female Elf: That’s cheating! You know the rules: once you sacrifice something here, you don’t get it back!

Griffin: Uh, and the three of you are each hit for 11 points of necrotic damage and the wounds that you just had stitched up, they open back up and you are just as bad off as you were before the heal.

Travis: [crosstalk] Wait, hold on, wait-

Griffin: --Because in Wonderland, there is no healing.

Clint: WHAT!

Travis: Aw, snapple!

[Wonderland Round One plays into commercial break {45:46}]

[Commercial break ends, Wonderland Round One plays and fades out {53:19}]

Justin: If I die, I don’t have to still be on the podcast right? [Clint laughs] Like I can go play Final Fantasy or something and just get a chill going. Like, Dad can be in here - I’d rather he wasn’t–

Clint: But you have to keep listening, you have to keep listening.

Justin: [groans] I don’t feel like I do. I’ll do the, I’ll download it.

Travis: I think if you die you have to move over to the losers couch to be interviewed by Penn Jillette.

[Justin laughs]

Clint: So you were kidding about the not healing?

Griffin: No, so after uh-

Travis: What’s Merle gonna do if he’s not able to heal everyone all the time?

[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Justin: [snorts] It’s the whole character.

Griffin: After these two sort of, uh, fantastic looking sort of pseudo-spectral elves reveal to you one of the core rules of Wonderland, um they kind of grin and the male elf says:

Male Elf: Great job! Now, smile and show your opponents how well you did!

Griffin: And then the two of them disappear, and one of the segments of the exterior circular wall of this room turns into like almost like a huge LCD screen.

And on that screen, standing in a room that kinda looks like your own except it’s basically empty, and uh, kinda all lit up, you see two just nasty lookin’ halflings. And they’re dressed up in adventuring gear, um, and they look up at your screen almost like they can see you just as just as well as you can see them, and the two voices say:

Male Elf: These two travellers are making great progress through Wonderland, they chose forsake when you chose trust so you have them to thank for that extra difficult challenge you just faced!

Travis: Ahh. I take an action surge to flip them off real hard, is that what you want Griffin?

Griffin: As you do, you realize both of them are flipping you four birds combined.

Travis: I like look at Taako and Merle while I’m still holding up both middle fingers like:

Magnus: [mumbling] C’mon guys, like c’mon. Guys, help me out.
Merle: You’re gonna make that mist come out of your mouth.

Travis: Ooh.

Griffin: Oh actually, thank you, Merle. As you flip them the bird a little bit of that black mist comes out of your mouth, Magnus.

Clint: Sorry, sorry.

Travis: Okay, I remember as soon as the smoke comes, I turn it into a wave and a thumbs up.

Griffin: They just flip you even harder. They like “urgh!” They like, flex, “urgh!” they like flex to get those fingers going.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: I give them like, I point to my eye, I make a heart over my heart and I point at them.

Clint: This is like Johnny Cash on stage double flip.

Griffin: Yeah, so -

Justin: [deadpan] I still puke some blood.

Griffin: These two are just- [chuckles] You just see these nasty two lookin’ shitheads and the screen flips off. Well as they- as everybody’s flipping off.

Clint: As they flip off.

Griffin: The screen flips off. And from somewhere in the room you hear another voice and it’s not the voice of these two elves. Um, it is another voice. And I’m gonna come up with it right now, just sort of using my patented technique.

[Justin chuckles]

Griffin: Um, by which I mean I’m gonna take a drink of water. You hear this voice from somewhere in the room say, um… Guys, who should I do? Give me an idea for a voice, please, it can be anything.

Clint: Do something husky! You haven’t done something husky in a while.

Travis: Andy Rooney! Andy Rooney!

Clint: [imitating] Have you ever wondered WHY you roll dice?

Griffin: Okay, that can be good.

???: Wow, you guys got boned that round, huh? Why didn’t you pick “forsake”, y’all need to study some game theory!

Justin: So, it’s Guy Fieri?

[Clint laughs]

Travis: Is it Twitter?

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Uh, you hear this voice coming from the room and it’s not like the elves’ voice, which is just coming from like an omnipresent everywhere, like, it is coming from, what sounds like, to your right and below you. And, uh, it almost sounds like it’s coming from one of the pieces of machinery on the exterior wall.

Magnus: H...Hello?

Clint: So is it coming from one of the pieces of machinery on the exterior wall?

Griffin: I mean, it’s coming from that direction.

Magnus: Who, who goes there? Hello? Hail, and well met!
???: Come hither, and I will reveal to you my dark secret!
Magnus: Ehhhhh, I dunno. Uhhhhh, okay!

Travis: I move over to see his dark secret!

???: Get a little hotter, getting hotter!

Griffin: He says as you approach the machine-

Magnus: [more and more freaked out] UGHH??

Griffin: - you realize the voice is coming from below this machine.

Travis: Okay, I look under the machine?

Griffin: You see: a severed human head.

Taako: [monotone] Ahhhh!

Griffin: And the head is just laying there, ‘cause it’s a head, and then its eyes open and it goes:

Head: Blaaahhh!!

Travis: Magnus does not react.

Griffin: He says:

Head: I’m just kiddin’.
Magnus: No, that’s fine. I’ve seen worse. I just fought a flying bear, why would someone’s head bother me?
Head: Would you actually mind fishing me out of here for a bit? I been, I been-
Magnus: Oh yeah, of course!
Head: I been chilling under here for awhile, but I think we’re good for now.
Magnus: Okay, cool.

Travis: Yeah, I grab the head in the most comfortable way possible. I figure grabbing by the hair is probably gonna hurt? Uh.

Griffin: Yeah, okay.

Clint: And this is so consistent because once again Magnus moves ahead.

[someone snorts]

Griffin: That’s kinda how the saying goes.

Travis: I guess that’s the catchphrase I’ve been using for two years.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Okay so Magnus is now holding this head, and severed head makes it sound like this grisly, bloody thing. It’s just sort of like a human dude’s head, and it’s not leaking and he seems surprisingly vital for just a head.

Travis: How much neck we talking Griffin?

Griffin: Uh, very little neck. But he’s wearing a little red skull cap. And he, uh, he introduces himself as you’re holding him and he says:

Cam: Hey guys, my name’s Cam! Sorry I can’t greet you with a formal handshake-
Magnus: [laughs] That’s good!
Cam: - but it seems that I’ve misplaced my everything.
Magnus: I love it!
Cam: What are you guys doing here?
Magnus: Oh, fighting bears.

Travis: Oh, by the way I recall my Chance Lance. I’m not forgetting that shit.

Griffin: You pull it out and he says:

Cam: That’s kinda rude to do that in the middle of a conversation don’t you think?

[Clint, Justin and Travis chuckle]

Magnus: Uh, I mean, maybe but would you rather I forget it? You seem like a stickler for rules, Cam.
Cam: How’s your trip through Wonderland going?
Magnus: Oh, y’know. It’s fine. I lost a pinky.
Cam: Oh that’s it?
Magnus: Again, comparatively, I realize-
Cam: You, oh, sorry, sorry, you lost a PINKY?
Magnus: Listen, I get it, like I’m not gonna sit here and say it’s the worst - I’m talking to a head, like I get that there’s worse. That there’s worse.
Merle: And you’re standing next to a guy who got his arm chopped off.
Taako: Yeah, he’s able to check his privilege.
Merle: Yeah.
Magnus: Yeah, I know what’s up, this sucks but like all things considered, y’know, I - I get it. Like I know where I’m at.

Griffin: He, uh, Cam the disembodied head starts sniffing. Um, like a lot, like [sniffs], like a bloodhound and he says, um:

Cam: I’d uh, I’d love to tell you guys a little about me and sort of what I’m bringing to the table but first, you wouldn’t happen to have a certain tasty, spicy treat with you, would you?

Travis: I, well, hm. I felt like maybe that was a setup for taco that I was missing.

Clint: Or jerky?

Travis: I know it’s jerky.

Cam: [sniffs] Mm, it smells like-

Clint: Do you know what’s gonna-

Cam: It smells preserved and delicious! Mm! What is that?

[Travis chuckles]

Justin: Yeah, Taako’s standing silent because honestly fuck this head. He has zero patience for it.

Magnus: Uh, I’ve got some jerky here, my friend!
Cam: Jerky is perfect! I can’t swallow but I can just chew on it for a long time and get that spicy taste!
Magnus: Yeh.
Taako: Seems like a waste.

[Clint and Travis giggle]

Taako: Let’s not be so brazen. Hey, let me flash forwards to thirty seconds from now when we see chewed up jerky glops just sloughing off of this dude’s throat, no thank you sire! No!

[Someone claps as Griffin chuckles quietly]

Cam: Let me just get a little, let me just get a little of that tasty, spicy meat.

Travis: [simultaneously] I give him some, I give him some jerky. I give him a little jerky.

Cam: [exaggerated munching noises]

[Justin and Clint laugh]

Cam: That is good stuff.

Griffin: He actually just, he just spits it out.

Clint: That’s good.

Travis: Oh, that’s way better.

Justin: [laughing] Like a fucking cookie monster eating cookies!

[Clint laughs]

Justin: [imitating cookie monster’s exaggerated munching]  

Griffin: He says, uh:

Cam: I like you guys, you guys seem like nice guys. Uh, what brought you to Wonderland?
Merle: Lookin’ for a bell.
Taako: A bell, that’s right, yeah.
Cam: Must be a pretty fuckin’ good bell.
Merle: [laughs, mumbled] Oh, yeah.
Magnus: Honestly, we know very little about the bell!
Merle: It’s, it’s called the “Enema Bell” so we’re not really sure what it does.
Magnus: That’s not what you sound like, old man!

Griffin: That was a good joke, though.

Clint: Thanks.

Travis: It was, Dad, it was solid.

Cam: Um, I been- I been here in Wonderland for-

Justin: [laughs] I have to move Dad’s, uh, Christopher Lloyd action figure that he keeps-

Merle: [getting back into character voice] To remind me!

Justin: - back over. Okay, there we go.

Cam: Um, I assume, uh, I assume things aren’t going so great, I was watching you fight and it seems like, uh, well - I mean it still seems like you’re pretty vital, um, but -
Magnus: Yeah, I mean, hold on! You’re in the same room we are, I would say we are collectively doing a little bit better than you, Cam!
Cam: Oh, I mean I been here for a long time, but I got screwed over, but um, that’s not important, is this just your first room then? After, you did the wheel once and then you’re here?  So, there’s still-
Magnus: Um, we did the wheel, we did “forsake”-
Cam: Yeah, oh see that was a - that was such a mistake.
Magnus: No, yeah we did trust.
Merle: We did trust.
Cam: Yeah, that was a bad move. You guys know you gotta pick forsake every time no matter what, right? That’s 101- anyway, it’s not important. You guys seem like nice dudes and, um, I think I could help you out, uh gettin’- gettin’- makin’, makin’ progress through Wonderland and facing less gnarly fights like the one you guys just had to get through. Um, how does- does that sound good? Maybe you can scratch my back and I’ll- well, scratch the back of my hair and I’ll scratch your, whatever? With my teeth? Anyway this is not-
Magnus: [groans, freaked out and slightly disgusted]
Taako: Yeah, I’d rather not.
Magnus: Okay, right, listen I’m of the mind of you take help where you can get it, rustic hospitality and all that. So, uh, yeah, help us get a-head!

[quiet disappointed sighs]

Cam: Okay that’s- if we’re gonna do this, then we can’t do that. You gotta -
Merle: Mine was better!
Cam: Yeah. Let’s just not do this whole-
Magnus: Okay, can I do one? Can I do one more? Can I do one more, can I do one more?
Cam: You can do exactly one more, but you- gimme some jerky for my discomfort.

Travis: Okay, I give him a piece of jerky.

Cam: MMM! [horrible, exaggerated chewing noises]
Magnus: I think, I think you’re going to be an excellent teacher and I can’t wait to get to the head of the class!

Clint: [hums in disapproval]

Merle: I think maybe you oughta let me carry him.
Magnus: Nope! [laughs]
Cam: Yeah, that would actually be good.

Travis: I tuck him in my bag!

Cam: Oh! [muffled mumbling]

Griffin: Uh, you have a new companion with you named Cam and you spend a little bit of time getting to know Cam. Um, and uh, Cam explains that he’s been in Wonderland for a while now and alludes to the fact that he got screwed over by somebody that he brought, that he travelled into Wonderland with. Uh, but he seems like a pretty knowledgeable source of information about this place. So, do you have any questions for Cam to sort of aid in your journey through this hazardous place?

Merle: I do, I do.

Griffin: Is it going to be a joke about his head?

Merle: No. [whispers] Damn it.

[Dog barks in the background]

Travis: Now you gotta think of a real question.

Taako: How many -
Merle: Cam, how come we can’t heal?
Cam: Oh, well that would defeat the point of of this place, right? Like, you guys understand like that the point of this place is to make you suffer, right?
Magnus: Yeah.
Merle: We, we really didn’t do our prep on this one. We kinda just got thrown in.
Taako: Yeah.
Magnus: Yeah, I- I have two questions for you, Cam.
Cam: Shoot.
Magnus: One, you mentioned the first room? Is this just a cycle or is this one room and then we do something different and then the next room something different?
Cam: It’s kind of like a cycle. It’s one of those - what are they called - endless cycles.
Magnus: Well that sucks!
Cam: Y-yeah guys, like I - there’s no gettin’ out of Wonderland, you’re gonna, I don’t know you came here for a bell and that’s great and all, but you’re gonna die here? And they’re gonna make you suffer just as much as possible before you do. It’s the only reason why this place exists.
Magnus: Uh-huh.
Taako: Now, okay, okay, alright, listen. Why do people come here if that’s the truth?
Magnus: Good question.
Cam: They come here because their- whatever treasure their heart desires is supposedly waiting for them here, but that, that hasn’t been my experience.

[Clint laughs]

Magnus: Okay, so I have my second question. When we suffer or get angry, this like black fog comes out our mouths?
Cam: Yeah.
Magnus: What is that?
Cam: That’s, that’s suffering, boss.
Magnus: Got it.
Cam: Do you, how much do you guys know about liches?
Magnus: Uhhh, they get stitches, I think?
Taako: Hold on let me roll- Liches get stitches? [Justin and Clint crack up] Let me roll real quick and I’ll tell you how much I know. [Dice roll]

Griffin: Yeah, roll an arcana check.

Taako: Yeah, I know a 15 out of 20.

Griffin: What’d you get?

Justin: Uh, well actually with my modifier it would be a - ah! - 21.

Travis: I got a 16.

Griffin: Uh, um, liches are pretty like, deep magic, like– knowledge thing. Sort of a forbidden thing‚ think like horcruxes in the Harry Potter ‘verse, but Taako, with that roll you definitely, definitely know about liches. A lich is basically a, um, when a magic user - like a wizard or a sorcerer or a warlock - merges their, like, their soul? Like their life essence with their magical power, then, um, at the moment of their death they sort of get a second life in a spectral form composed of just raw, arcane energies.

And because of that, because it’s sort of like, real dark necromancy stuff, uh, it is super, super taboo and not only that, um, most wizards who sort of go for this procedure and turn themselves into liches when they die, most of those procedures end in catastrophic failure because when they sort of combine themselves with just raw magic power, they sort of lose their minds. Uh, and they lose their living identity completely and just sort of turn into this mindless being of wanton magical destruction. Um, so that, that you know what a lich is. Um.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: And so you relay all that. “I know all this stuff” I guess you say to the severed head.

Taako: Here’s some things I know. [blah blah blah noises]

Travis: [blah blah blah noises]?

Griffin: He says:

Cam: I don’t know if you’ve guys have figured this out but this place is run by two pretty powerful liches that, um, aren’t just sort of mindless beings. See, if a lich can, um.. can anchor themselves with a powerful enough sort of emotional attachment, then they can sort of maintain their identity and they can maintain their sanity and I wonder - have you guys ever witnessed like, a magic that’s kinda more powerful than you could explain? That was kind of born out of a moment of intense passion or emotion?
Merle: Yeah, yeah!
Taako: Yeah, for sure!
Magnus: Wait, we have?
Merle: Oh, yeah when I proposed to my wife that’s exactly what happened!

Griffin: You may not be wrong.

Magnus: There was some shit like that in, uh, what was it, Rapture? What the town we were in?

Griffin: Rapture? Yeah, so in Rapture you remember that Roswell was this like-

Travis: Was that the name of it?

Griffin: No, shit, it wasn’t, fuck. It was Refuge-

Clint: Rupture, it was Rupture.

Griffin: It was called Refuge-

Justin: [in background] It was called Refuge.

Travis: Refuge!

Griffin: Roswell was like an elemental that was like lived way beyond the person who made it and like had sentience and identity and was created by like, Jack the former mayor of the town, as he was falling to his death. He created this thing. You also remember like, if you remember back in Petals to the Metal, you remember that when Hurley jumped in and sort of reversed Sloane’s transformation, you never really could explain how that happened. Um, so Cam explains, he says:

Cam: This is gonna sound pretty cornball but bear with me. There’s a school of thought that powerful emotions are a form of energy, just as real as heat or light or magic. So a particularly strong fear, or joy, or fury, or love, they’re not just these cognitive effects, they have real actual power in the world around you.
So, using one of those emotional attachments, a lich can anchor themselves to their former identities. Something like a powerful love, or determination, or pure joy, they can maintain their reason without losing themselves to the magical power that they’ve bonded themselves to. But somehow the two liches that run this place are empowering themselves not with their own emotion, but with the emotions of people who came into Wonderland. Specifically, suffering. So, that’s why you’re here, and that’s what they’re gonna get out of you, whether you like it or not.
Magnus: Got it. Okay, um... everybody step into the pocket workshop real quick.
Cam: What are you talking about?

Clint: [Hums to a cheery tune]

Magnus: I have a thing, yeah. So here’s what I’m thinking fellows. If Cam’s right, and I have no reason to doubt him-
Cam: [strained] I’m right, I’m right!

Griffin: He’s in your bag, I guess.

Magnus: I know, I’m including you in this, Cam, I know you’re there. Then this is a rigged game, right?
Taako: Yeah.
Magnus: So, the only way to rig, to win a rigged game is to change the game, right?
Taako: Right.
Merle: That’s the Captain Kirk philosophy.
Magnus: Right, so I think- I don’t have anything specifically in mind right this second but we need to keep our eyes open for an opportunity to change this shit around because I ain’t getting trapped in another endless cycle. We did that in the last one, I’m not doing that again.
Taako: Yeah, I’m with you on that.
Magnus: Cool.
Merle: I have a question.
Cam: Yeah, shoot.
Merle: Is that a new, is that a new bandsaw? Did you get a new bandsaw?
Magnus: I did, thank you!
Merle: That is nice- Black & Decker?
Magnus: Well, the other one just kept throwing the blade and I got sick of it, it was something- it was a balance issue or something-
Merle: That’s nice.
Magnus: Um, so, here’s the thing.
Merle: Be careful so you don’t lose another finger!
Magnus: Yeah, agreed. Taako?
Taako: Hm?
Magnus: I would like you to pick the word, that’s gonna be the word to let us all- like, let the four of us know that it’s about to happen. That it’s time to make our move.
Taako: I’ll come- yeah, for sure.
Magnus: You don’t have to tell us now, you can keep it and say a weird word and we’ll know!
Taako: Okay!
Merle: That is not a good choice of character!
Magnus: Is that not how it works?
Merle: No, he’ll come up with all kinds of weird words!
Taako: How about “pseudonym”? [pronounced as “sway-dum”]
Merle: Sway-dum!

Griffin: No, that’s only going to be good if you listened to the last MBMBaM.

[Clint laugh, Justin and Travis quietly snicker]

Travis: That’s called a tie-in, Griffin!

Merle: How about “bananas stand Afghanistan”!
Magnus: I didn’t ask you, Merle!
Merle: Right, you didn’t!

Justin: [weird choppy croaking sounds] Why-? Okay, I talk kind of for a living and I’m being tasked now coming up with like a word.

Griffin: A single word.

Justin: Uh, okay, I got it: The.

[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Travis: Well, hold on.

Justin: Okay, that’s not great either. How about “sautée”?

Magnus: Perfect! Perfect!
Taako: That’s good.
Merle: Ahh. And it fits the character!
Taako: Sautée, yeah!
Magnus: Perfect, alright, let’s get back out there and let’s fuck some shit up!
Cam: Um, do you think I can come with you guys?
Magnus: Fine, yeah.
Cam: If I– if I join your group everything’s gonna get just a little bit harder for you guys, you’re gonna have to sacrifice a bit more if I go with you. You’re gonna have to take on my sacrifices because, well, look at me. I don’t really have anything else to give.
Um.. so if I come with you it will be a little harder, but I promise I can carry my weight, I can help you out with information and tips and tricks!
Magnus: I have, I have an idea!
Cam: Yeah?
Magnus: Right now here in the pocket workshop, right? We’re in a pocket dimension, right?
Cam: Yeah? I don’t know– you’re asking me, I don’t know.

Travis: Okay, I set his head down on the potter’s wheel and I’m like:

Magnus: You hang out in here, and we’ll check in with you when we need you.
Cam: That sounds great to me.
Magnus: Perfect.

Griffin: Um, the potter’s wheel turns on and he’s like:

Cam: Don’t, no, don’t do this, don’t do this!

Travis: Wheee! Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho!

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, okay, you guys movin’ on?

Justin, Clint, Travis: Yes.

Griffin: You make your way out of the pocket workshop and when you exit, the wall of the room that became a screen now just has a big door in front of it, uh, built into it, and this doorway is open and beyond it you see just more pitch black darkness. Um, and as you move through that door into the next chamber, it’s a familiar sight. Because you see sort of the same boot-up sequence as spot lights on the ceiling and floodlights on the floor cross to point at a roulette wheel in the middle of the room.

And the walls, and the floor, and the ceiling illuminate in these bright neon panels that change with this pulsating music. And just beyond the wheel is another big stone door that is shut until you make your sacrifices on the wheel, but this one has four dim red lights above it. And the female Elf’s voice booms through the room and she says:

Female Elf: That’s right! You’re spinning the wheel again, only she’s a bit hungrier this time. The sacrifices demanded will be a little bit... brutal. Also, you’ve added another member to your party, I’m not really sure how you did that, but-
Magnus: [crosstalk] Well, hold on, no -
Female Elf: You will need to complete FOUR sacrifices if you want to pass on to the next chamber.
Magnus: He, what-? What member? [high-pitched] Whaaaahhhhold on I believe if you count, you will find here but three.
Taako: Yeah, do a quick head count!

[Clint bursts out laughing]

Griffin: You hear from another dimension:

Cam: Fucking cut it out!

[various shushings]

Magnus: Sh! Quiet. Uh, what if we say no?
Male Elf: I don’t understand…?
Magnus: Well, what if we just don’t?
Male Elf: Then you– then you lose.
Magnus: Well, I mean yes, but I would also like to know the parameters, like I’m just wondering - like I get what the win scenario is, what’s the lose scenario here?
Male Elf: You don’t get your…? You just don’t get your prize.
Magnus: And you let us go, we leave? That’s it?
Male Elf: [laughs] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Magnus: Cool.
Male Elf: No, once you start through Wonderland, you have to finish!
Taako: We can finish though, right?
Male Elf: Yeah, of course.
Merle: Yeah, you wouldn’t just send us into something we couldn’t finish?

Griffin: You hear, you hear actually -

Taako: Listen guys, I, I trust this elf, I dunno!

Griffin: You hear some rustling, like of paper and they say:

Male Elf: Let’s see, let’s see, if you finish you’ll end up getting… Ohohoho. So that’s your prize, huh? Hmm. Okay, well yeah, you’re making good progress, let’s see what you can do!

Griffin: And then you actually hear the tinkling of a bell being rung.

[Déjà Vu by Mort Garson plays into Maximum Fun outro]

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