Balance – Episode 49: The Eleventh Hour: Chapter Nine/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone…

Griffin: Quickly emerging from the ground, you see three very large, very purple worms. The-These three little piggies just cry the whole way home. Just like cryin’. Doin’ a sad--a sad little purple worm cry-

Clint: So I’m the bad guy?

Griffin: -as they run away. The thing that most catches your eye on this main drag is the statue. This figure standing behind them is uh, tall, and muscular, is wearing a robe. A bright crimson red.

Travis: Oh, like the bad guys.


Justin: Okay, I turn right.

Griffin: She gets like really, she's nose to nose.

Paloma: (in a whisper) Turn riiiight.

Griffin: And the uh, the metal sliding hatch that uh, you saw over the top of Shaft A, uh, that hadn't been shut, uh, is actually shut over this hole. So it's covering the entirety of- of Shaft B. And you see June in front of you and she's young again. And she falls to her hands and knees and the cup rolls away from her and lands perfectly at your feet.

Announcer: That's enough dilly-dallying and pussy-footing around. These heroes are out of time! It's The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[Justin/Griffin snorts with laughter, Clint giggles]

Justin: Ugh.

Griffin: Okay, so, last when we left off you just sort of beat the offer given to you by the Temporal Chalice and June. You’re back at the top of Shaft B. And June has sort of collapsed after giving up the cup and it fell and landed at your feet. Before we get to what you guys do next, there’s like a quick off camera cutscene. And it shows a few folks around the town of Refuge.

You see Cassidy [clattering] sneaking out of the crack in the wall in her cell and she makes her way outside, she kinda shakes her head and closes her eyes and looks kind of confused. And then you see everybody in The Davy Lamp and The Davy Lamp just falls silent and Ren stops polishing glasses for a second and kinda looks confused.

And you see Brogden, in the bank, kind of sit up with a start and then she flips a switch under her desk in the bank and it drops these heavy metal gates over the entrances into the bank. And you see the Liberation Brigade and Redmond, their leader, stop their march into Refuge and kinda shake their head like they’re remembering something and they head home. And there’s this air of confusion as everybody in the town of Refuge starts to remember the things that have happened in these past loops.

Travis: [sheepishly] Oops!

Griffin: But there’s also a lot of [laughs], yeah -

Clint: [also sheepishly] Oooh.

Travis: We did a lot of things, assuming they were erased from time! Oooh!

Justin: Oh no.

Griffin: But they also look, they also look kind of afraid ‘cause each of them knows what’s about to happen to their city, and down in Shaft B, you know the truth and that is that the Temporal Chalice is laying at your feet, it is no longer active, and this is the final loop.

Travis: I wanna do something cause I've been meaning to do it since I think episode maybe 46? Or maybe 47, it's hard to remember. I pick up the chalice and I look at stupid what's-his-face in his face--

Griffin: Isaak.

Travis: And I say-

Magnus: I told you we’ve dealt with this before, asshole.

Griffin: Uhhhh–

Travis: Ok. Yeah I just really want to make that clear, ‘cause he didn't believe us at first.

Griffin: Isaak is kind of in shock. Isaak is laying on the floor, after being thoroughly sacked by Roswell, and he doesn't respond to that– but Roswell, uh, picks Isaak up by the shirt collar, and just kinda holds Isaak right up to their face, and reaches down and plucks off Isaak’s sheriff badge, [sounds of being impressed] and attaches it to themself.

Travis: Fuck yeah!

Justin: Yeah!

Griffin: Uh, and just drops him back down on the floor with a thud. And Roswell looks at the three of you and says

Roswell: What's the plan, boys?

Griffin: Just to describe the room again, it's- it's almost identical to Shaft A, only the hatch on Shaft A was open, and there was a lever there that hadn’t been deployed. In Shaft B the hatch is closed, there's a little platform that June is on. June is now again, I think we said she was like 8 years old when all of this started? She's a little girl again. She's not the old, old shriveled up person that you saw in the white space.

Travis: And what time is it?

Griffin: Uh, you would estimate that it is about, uh, it's like right before 11:30.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You do hear some rumbling in the other room, over in Shaft A. And June says,

June: Oh god, I’m- I- I’m not using the cup anymore, I don’t-- I’m not gonna be able to sustain the barrier, he's gonna bust through. We gotta do something.

Travis: Alright boys. Let's think this through.

Clint: That's gonna be a switch.

Travis: I know but we’re in the same room now so. I think we’ve been in the same room the whole game, don't worry about it.

Magnus: Um, evacuate or fight?
Taako: It seems to me that if we evacuate, they’re just gonna wreck shop anyway. I mean, they're gonna destroy the whole thing.

Griffin: Isaak says,

Isaak: You can't– you can’t fight it. You can't fight it. I’ve- boys, listen to me. I've done this loop… a couple thousand times. I’ve tried everything. You can’t- you can’t fight it. It’s all over. There's nothing you can do to kill that purple worm, trust me. I’ve tried everything.
Taako: I mean you can’t fight us, either. Like so if we’re doing greater than/less than kind of equation…
Magnus: [crosstalk] That’s fair! I mean, that’s a really good point.
Taako: Yeah. I mean -
Merle: [crosstalk] It is kind of a three brains against one thing.
Taako: Yeah, well… two and a half?
Merle: Well, maybe.
Magnus: June? June.

Griffin: Uh, she stands up and dusts her little yellow dress off at the knees and-

Clint: [interrupting] Does she look like a Fanning? Can we say she looks like one of the little Fannings.

Griffin: [crosstalk] She looks like a minor Fanning.

Travis: One of the minor Fannings?

Griffin: Yes. One of the lesser Fannings.

Magnus: June, and Isaak too I guess and maybe Roswell, when did the worm attacks start? Was it before or after the big bubble?
June: Oh, it was after the big bubble, it was hibernating and it-

Griffin: [interrupting] This is June talking.

June: It was hibernating in its nest and when the bubble popped up it cut its nest in half and she got separated from her babies. I don’t think we should kill it, I don’t - it doesn’t feel right.
Magnus: It sounds to me the bubble needs to come down.
June: I don’t think that’s a bad idea, but if she breaks into the surface you’re not gonna have time to convince it, we gotta keep it underground.
Isaak: If we can, if we can keep the worm underground but somehow get it out of town, we might have a chance, but there’s no way to bring the bubble down. I’ve tried everything with that too.
Magnus: SHINK! What about this?

Travis: That’s the Chance Lance.

Griffin: [laughs] Oh, okay.

Travis: I don’t have a good sound for it yet! [falsetto singing] Chance!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, we’ll keep working on it.

Justin: [similar falsetto] A-h-h-h! Lance!

Isaak: I mean, that will bring the- that will pop a bubble?
Magnus: It’ll pop a bubble real good!
Isaak: I have an idea.

Griffin: He says, and he walks over to the lever of Shaft B and he says:

Isaak: In all the loops I have done I haven’t pulled this lever. This mine works with a ventilation system where the hatch has to be closed over either Shaft A or Shaft B, and I’ve been afraid to open up this shaft because if the worm comes up here and killed June that would be the whole ballgame for all of us. So, if we flip this switch we can close Shaft A and open up Shaft B, and that’ll at least keep the worm from destroying the town the same way it has this some twenty five hundred times already.
Magnus: You know, at least change something.
Taako: [crosstalk] So kind of a fun, kicking new way of destroying the town that’ll feel very fresh and vibrant!

Travis: Destroy New.

Isaak: Maybe, but we’ve tried everything else. It’s worth a shot, don’t’cha think?
Magnus: Sure, yeah!
Taako: Yeah!
Merle: [laughs] Yeah!
Magnus: You know what, fuck it!
Taako: I don’t have much of a plan outside of that, so let’s go for it.
Magnus: Flip that, flip that beautiful lever.
Taako: And hey, worse case scenario we die and we come back to life, no big deal.
Merle: [crosstalk] Yeah.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Oh hold on! No, well-?
Taako: Let’s do it!

Justin: And I hit the lever.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you hit the switch and the hatch over Shaft A closes over the bubble that was placed there and the hatch into Shaft B opens up. Uh, and while Shaft A was kinda like a straight shot down, it’s like that was where they found the original motherload of diamonds and they just bored right down into it, Shaft B you can see is kind of more of an exploratory shaft. Like they were using Shaft B to look for where more diamonds might be?

And so the cart track that you’re standing on goes into that shaft and kind of spirals all the way around it, branching off into little tunnels here and there as these tunnels were sort of them just looking, just trying to find more as they go. It kind of looks like a roller coaster down there of minecart tracks. Um, and as you open up that shaft, there’s a small hole sort of at the start of the track and four minecarts roll out into them. Um, and Roswell doesn’t hesitate for a second. Roswell runs and jumps in one of the cars and says:

Roswell: I’m gonna lead the worm away from the city, you three are more than welcome to join me if you want.
Magnus: You got it. Um, Isaak? Isaak?
Taako: [crosstalk] This seems like fun.
Isaak: Yeah?
Magnus: For once in your miserable life, do something cool, get June out of here, and get her to safety.
Isaak: Where is safe? What’s gonna be safe?
Magnus: Safer than here, man.
Taako: Fuckin’ everything is gonna be safe when we’re done, bubbeleh. Don’t you worry.

[Clint giggles]

Magnus: I theor- let me hypothesize: things are gonna go bad in this moment at least!
Taako: Oh, it’s gonna get wack, definitely!
Magnus: It’ll get wack before it gets better.
Isaak: Uh, I don’t even know-

Griffin: He goes to the three of you and says discreetly like:

Isaak: I don’t even know if she’s gonna want to come with me, man. I-
Taako: [interrupting] She’s eight, my dude!
Magnus: You’re way big, she’s way little!
Merle: Offer her cake! Tell her there’s cake!
Isaak: [quietly] … She saw me kill her daddy. I don’t think, that doesn’t-
Merle: [interrupting] Nahh, cake– cake trumps that.
Isaak: I killed her daddy. That doesn’t seem like the type of thing you just easily forgive.
Magnus: She’s had a lot of time to think about it.
Taako: Like a lot.
Isaak: Yeah, I guess we all have.

Griffin: And all of a sudden, June is behind him with her hand outstretched like:

June: Alright, c’mon, let’s go. Dummy.
Magnus: That’s a good one, June. Sick burn.

Griffin: She points to the three of you and Roswell and says:

June: I’m begging y’all, please don’t kill it. Please don’t kill it. It’s just a mama that’s looking for her babies, promise me. Promise me you’re not gonna hurt her.

[Clint hums sheepishly.]

Magnus: I promise.

Griffin: [chuckles]... No such promise from the other two?

Taako: Yeah…
Merle: I’ve lied to kids before - yeah, I promise!
Taako: Yeah, like he said.

Griffin: Uh, okay, they head out through the airlock and it’s just you three and Roswell and you get into the carts.

Travis: I would like to try something before I get into the cart.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Travis: I want to close my eyes.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Hold out the Chance Lance.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And whisper a small prayer to Istus, to point me at the best track.

Griffin: Uh, so there’s only one starting out track, but it can point you towards one of the cars, and it points you towards the first car.

Travis: Okay. I get in the first car.

Griffin: Okay, there’s three other cars: two, three and four. What positions do you guys want to be in? Roswell will fill in wherever you don’t want to go.

Justin: I feel like-

Taako: I feel like I could be the most use in the back, because I can cover us back there with magical spells.

Griffin: Okay, Merle?

Merle: I’ll take, uh, three!

Griffin: So the order is: Magnus, Roswell, Merle, Taako. Alright, y’all ready?

Clint: By the way folks, keep an eye out on your newsfeeds for the announcement of the new theme park, “The Adventure Zone: The Theme Park”.

Griffin: There probably is one of those called “The Adventure Zone” already that is not affiliated with our brand.

Travis: At ALL.

Griffin: There’s lots of go-kart tracks called “The Adventure Zone” I found out after we called the podcast that and I’ve been working with our lawyers to shut down every last one of those fucking places.

Travis: If Griffin has any power at all, he will kill go-karts forever.

Griffin: I will ruin everybody's go-kart memories. Uh, okay, there’s a small, very small motor on the back of each of the carts and as you all get in, they kick into gear and you start down the track. And the track for this first leg, it just kinda spirals all the way around, it does a long loop spiralling down the length of Shaft B.

Travis: Do we have to do a constitution check to see if we puke?

Griffin: Mmmm. I mean.

Travis: We haven’t eaten in like seventy days.

Griffin: That’s not a bad idea, yeah let’s just roll it so I have an idea of like how you guys handle the wet and wild nature of these stunts.

[dice rolling]

Travis: I got a 2!

Justin: 4.

Griffin: Okay, you’re all- [dice roll] - 5. So, nobody is loving it.


Justin: Seasick boys!

Clint: Bluhhhgh!

Travis: But mine is plus 7, so it’s a 9!

Griffin: Still- Okay, then you are kind of loving it. Um, okay yeah, so you are spiralling down the length of track B, moving downwards. This event, by the way is going to be separated into several legs, this is leg one. This is how we’re gonna handle this. Uh, you’re moving down the track as you spiral downward and just barely after you get started you hear that roar that you’ve heard so many times before.

But it’s interrupted almost immediately by a loud crash and then you hear the roar again but it’s even angrier this time and you feel the ground around you start to rumble as you are spiralling down the track. And once you get about one hundred feet down from the top of shaft B you see from a wall on the opposite end of the spiral, you just watch it explode open, and there is the purple worm and it’s got a mouth full of fire that it’s, like, charging up.

[The track “The Purple Worm” begins to play in the background]

Travis: I want to say something cool like “I think we got its attention!” Or something like that as we go, but I’m screaming because of the wind.

Griffin: You actually don’t have its attention, ‘cause it smashes through the wall and it arcs its head up and starts to head up towards Refuge, what do you do?

[music starts]

Travis: Are we safe to assume like if we conned Roswell and he was like, a skull to us, this is like, quadruple skulls to us?

Griffin: Just using your sort of like logic, this thing is a fucking nightmare beast, the likes of which you’ve never ever seen before.

Travis: Cool. I’m gonna level my shortbow at it and see if I can just like, hit it with an arrow.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: ‘Cause listen, we promised we wouldn’t hurt it, I get the impression a single arrow ain’t gonna do much.

Griffin: Yeah, make an attack roll.

Justin: How far is it from us?

[dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, it’s about forty feet from you.

Travis: That’s a 3, that’s not great.

Griffin: Yeah, you get the- this is like shooting an arrow at like, a supertrain. It’s like shooting an arrow at an airplane, like it just like “bink!” bounces right off.

Clint: But would it not get its attention, aren’t we trying to lure it away?

Griffin: Maybe if it had been a sick ass arrow roll. Uh, so that was Travis’ action.

Clint: We’re trying to get its attention so we can lure it away right?

Griffin: Yes.

[The track “The Purple Worm” fades out]

Clint: Okay, um, I’ve got a spell called “Geas”. [pronounced “gay-us”]

Griffin: Geas!

Clint: Geas!

Travis: Got a bad case of Geas.

Clint: It has to succeed on a wisdom saving throw or it becomes charmed by me for the duration, but while it’s charmed by me, if it doesn’t do what I tell it to do it takes 5d10 psychic damage every time it acts in a manner directly counter to my instructions.

Griffin: Okay, how long does that last?

Clint: [mumbling] Know how long it lasts-? It says the duration. Thirty days!

Travis: Thirty days?

Griffin: Thirty fuckin’ days? Wow, okay.

Clint: Thirty days.

Griffin: Um, okay, I rolled a nat 20. So, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna save against… “Geas”.

Clint: [sighing] Yep, yep that saves against it.

Justin: Alright, I cast “Shatter”.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Uh, a sudden loud ringing noise, painfully intense, erupts from a point of your choice within range. I’m gonna do it eleven feet away from us.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: ‘Kay, how far off away is it from us?

Griffin: It’s about forty feet away from you.

Justin: Perfect. I’m casting “Shatter” ‘cause it makes a huge noise.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: But nothing is within range so there’s no damage, I’m just casting it.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, alright, yeah, so you cast shatter and it makes an ear splitting noise. And it also - it has a special effect on like crystal and rock and shit like that, right?

Justin: Uh, it does like- if the creature’s made of inorganic material it has disadvantage.

Griffin: Sure. It echoes all through Shaft B and just like shoots up past the worm’s upward trajectory, and hits the ceiling, like the echoes of it hit the ceiling and a few big rocks come down from the ceiling and smash into the purple worm’s head, and it turns to find the source of the noise and sees the three of you boys- er, the four of you in your minecart. And sure enough, it pivots downward and starts to head in your direction.

Justin: I flip it off with both hands and stick my tongue out.

Travis: Nice.

Justin: It looks like this.


Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: [laughs] Nice.

Travis: You can’t see it at home: it’s really Rock ‘n’ Roll.

Justin: Yeah, it’s really Rock ‘n’ Roll.

Travis: Think Denis Leary at his coolest.

Griffin: Uh, okay, yeah, you have the worm’s attention; it is now flying downward at you and at this point it has cleared its body from the hole that it first smashed in through. This thing is long as hell. And right when it’s actually about to catch up to you guys, the track branches off into a tunnel so, now you’re not spiralling downward anymore, you’re kind of just on this straightaway going through a tunnel.

Travis: While I’ve got a second I just kinda calmly switch my Hero’s Belt to “fire”.

Griffin: [chuckles] Okay. Do you do it discreetly so nobody else sees?

Travis: Yeah, just like [fake coughs] - click!

Griffin: Okay, so you are now on a straightaway and you see the worm behind you crash through a bunch of the different tracks and kinda shredding them and then stop itself and arc its head up. And then all of a sudden, it is following you through the tunnel and it is way too thick for this tunnel so its rows of teeth are grinding in opposing directions clockwise and counterclockwise, just like drilling into the tunnel behind you. So, you’re on this straightaway, all of your carts are good and going but the purple worm is gaining ground, what do you do to slow it down? And this is leg two.

Clint: Are we in any particular order?

Griffin: Uh, I mean you’re in cart order which can affect things later on, but I’m just kinda -

Justin: I don’t have anything to slow it down dad, so let me do a - what are you going to do?

Clint: I’m going to cast “Shield of Faith” on Taako, which adds to his AC. He’s now in the front because you’re [Magnus] is in the back. You’re [Taako] closest to the worm.

Griffin: [crosstalk] He’s worm-wise.

Clint: And I figure you’re gonna do more damage than Magnus does.

Justin: ‘Mkay.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: So I cast “Shield of Faith”, shimmering field appears and surrounds Taako granting a plus 2 bonus to AC.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: That, is what a cleric does, boys.

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s really good.

Justin: Uh, good. I’m going to - unsatisfied or perhaps untrusting Merle’s acumen, I cast “Fire Shield” on myself to add additional - this is actually a ten foot radius, so I think it would get me-

Griffin: It would probably get all of you, yeah.

Justin: Yeah, it would get us all so this is a - what it is specifically is a chill shield. [Griffin chuckles] So this chill shield grants us resistance to fire.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh, wow.

Griffin: Yo, what up.

Justin: Very chill shield.

Griffin: Yeah, I’mma protect you, I got you.

Travis: Right now are we all still in line too?

Griffin: Yep, yep.

Justin: So, I have, I have done that.

Griffin: Okay, those are your actions. Magnus, what are you going to do? All you’re trying to do is slow the purple worm down.

Travis: Super great question. Well, with all of my magic and cool stuff [laughs] I’m gonna do nothing!

Clint: [mockingly] Why don’t you make a chair and throw it at him?

Travis: I do that.

Griffin: You don’t have anything to make a chair out of.

Travis: Damn it [sighs], okay, I’ll tell you the one thing that I’ve always got.

Griffin: What?

Travis: An idea, um…

[Justin snorts, Griffin laughs]

Clint: Oh, wow.

Travis: Thank you, I like that line. Um, looking at the ceiling, do I see any cracks or anything?

Griffin: Um, yes, just in front of you, you see some cracks in the ceiling.

Travis: Okay great, I’m gonna aim the Chance Lance at the cracks.

Griffin: Okay.

[dice roll]

Travis: So it’s 16, plus 9, 25.

Griffin: Okay, what was your goal with that? You’re just trying to wedge it in there?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you throw the Chance Lance and wedge it in there-

Travis: [interrupting] And then I call it back to me.

Griffin: Okay. Alright, yeah, so you throw it up and leave it and it sort of passes over all of your heads and the purple worm is basically between you and it, and you recall it?

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: Okay, then I think how we can make that work is we’ll just use that roll as the attack on the purple worm, the purple worm was going to go next and you actually saw from like its neck it has these frills of tentacles and one of them was starting to whip forward, but the Chance Lance actually cuts right through that tentacle, and cuts it off in a spray of purple goo-

Magnus: Sorry, June!

Griffin: - And you hear the purple worm kind of wail. Um, so, I think with that you prevent the penalty that was going to happen on leg two, but I don’t think you guys are out of leg two, I think you still need to slow this thing down so we can start another round of actions.

Clint: And to be clear, you didn’t promise June not to hurt it, you promised not to kill it.

Travis: One of those two, I promised something.

Griffin: Uh, who’s gonna slow this worm down?

Clint: I’m gonna use my scrying bones.

Griffin: Ooh boy.

Clint: When using my scrying bones I get to ask the DM a yes or no question, once a day.

Griffin: [chuckles] Okay, you kneel down in your cart and you get these bones out like “oh god, oh god, here we go!”

Clint: Here we go, please baby! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. And my question to you.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Is the worm more vulnerable on the inside, than trying to go through the outside? In other words: if we attack it, will it have more effect if we aim for the mouth and the inside.

Griffin: Yes, its outside is covered in like really, really thick leathery skin and that allows it to move through- chew its way through solid rock without like getting all cut up and torn up.

Clint: So the mouth and the inside are more vulnerable?

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: There. That was for you guys.

Travis: Yes, but I mean you still get an action right? Is that his action-action?

Griffin: But that answer should’ve been given to you like [quick jumbled mumbling forming a drawn-out “yuh-yuh-yuh-yes”] ‘cause these bones are just a rattlin’ and rumblin’ around the floor of your minecart.

[Justin chuckles]

Clint: Oh, I didn’t know the bones could talk, that would be really cool.

Griffin: Uh. Justin, I see you going through a bunch of spell cards, finding -

Justin: Just trying to find something useful, man.

Travis: Okay, I’m trying to picture it. We have four carts and he’s coming through a tunnel and he’s kind of chewing it up, right?

Griffin: It’s a “she”, it’s a mama worm.

Travis: It’s a “she”. Describe for me her teeth?

Griffin: She has a bunch of like, a dozen rows of teeth that sort of spin in opposing directions.

Travis: Okay, great. I’m gonna throw a whole bunch of robot arms into them.

Griffin: [laughs] Okay, so you just have a hefty bag full of roboid arms?

Travis: And I’m just like waiting, holding them off the side and I just kinda dump them in the way. So it’s a whole bunch of metal arms in there.

Clint: Oh, but you worked so hard to collect those.

Travis: Yeah, but I don’t want to die.

[assorted snorts and chuckles]

Griffin: I mean, I’m going to take every robot arm from you, you will have no robot arms.

Travis: Every one?

Griffin: All of them.

Travis: I’ll rebuild.

[Clint and Griffin laugh]

Griffin: Okay. You send some roboid arms, they bounce backward down the track and a few of them get wedged in her teeth, are you-? I guess make an attack roll. This’ll be good.

[Dice rolling]

Travis: That’s a 10, plus my standard plus is plus 8, 18?

Griffin: Uh, okay, yeah it doesn’t stop her-

Travis: [interrupting] [chuckles] What’s the opposite of unarmed?

Clint: Disarmed?

Travis: Super armed?

Griffin: I will say several of the arms just don’t go into her mouth at all, a few do and she just handily eats them no big deal, but a couple get wedged in a couple of rows of her teeth and it slows her down a little bit, but she’s still pursuing. Taako, it sounded like you had some hot shit.

Justin: Not hot shit, I dunno, I’m just gonna try something.

Griffin: Alright.

Taako: Alright, um, I have tentacles of my own!

Justin: And I cast “Evard’s Black Tentacles”.

Griffin: I remember this one.

Justin: Uh, squirming, ebony tentacles fill a twenty foot square on the ground that you can see within range. For the duration, these tentacles turn the ground in the area into difficult terrain, so basically casting it on the tracks as it’s following us. So like behind myself, basically when it enters the affected area for the first time on a turn, or starts its turn there the creature must succeed a dexterity saving throw or take d6 bludgeoning damage.

Griffin: I’ll do this right now.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: ‘Cause this thing’s like right behind you, so it happened.  Ooh. So, that’s a 6. Okay, so we’ll say this is that money. As it moves its way through, these tentacles reach up and grab the worm and it pulls these tentacles to the point where they’re about to snap and break, but the purple worm for just a moment gets held up and has to fight its way out of the grasp of these long tentacles. And it gives you all time enough to move out of this straightaway safely from the purple worm’s approach. So you made it through-

Magnus: [interrupting] Good job, Taako!
Taako: Magic is easy!

Griffin: You made it through the straightaway and exit out over a large black chasm, it’s just like the tunnel you were in just stopped and all of a sudden there’s nothing but track ahead of you, um, from the rear cart a lever springs up from the floor. And Taako, for a split second ahead of you, you realize the track branches off to the left and to the right and you can change the direction of all four carts by choosing the direction to go. Which way do you pull it?

Justin: … So there’s just two ways I can pull it?

Griffin: Left or right, yeah.

[Clint clears his throat]

Justin: … Just the two different ways.


Travis: Oh, I just so badly wanna-!

Clint: [clearing his throat and mumbling] …’member the prophecy….

Justin: ...So I can either pull it left or right?

Griffin: Yeah. [bursts into laughter]

Travis: Oh god, this is killing us!

Griffin: If you all could see Travis’ face!

Justin: ...If I was just gonna turn it left or right...

Clint: [mumbling desperately]...’member the prophecy!

Justin: Uhhh, I, can I-

Griffin: Travis is on the floor.

Travis: [sounding distant] Oh god I’m gonna lose it! Go right!

Justin: So wait, I can just: left or right?

Griffin: Yeah, those are the two options.


Travis: Go right! Gotta go right! Please, there’s the prophecy! Remember the prophecy! Go RIGHT!

Clint: [still mumbling] ...the prophecy! Remember the prophecy!

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: Trav, please, my daughter’s sleeping, please try to keep it down.

Travis, Clint: The prophecy!!

Justin: No, I understand. So just left or right?

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: [raspberry noise]

Travis: Oh please! [sobbing]

Justin: Do I see anything to the left? [Clint cackles]

Griffin: Uh, no, it’s kinda dark in here-

Justin: [interrupting] Can I see anything to the right?

Griffin: Again, it’s kinda hard to tell, you can just kinda see the branch.

Justin: Alright. [laughs] I wish I had anything to go on.

Clint: I’ve got some control spells, I could control him.

Justin: Okay, umm. [whispers very quietly] Oh gosh.

[rumbling sound in the background]

Clint: [whispers] It was the worm!

Justin: Maybe right, I guess right.

Clint: [laughs] Oh, god.

Griffin: You jerk the lever to the right and all four of the cars go off into the right path. And you go down a ways on the track, and then into another tunnel and right before you go into that tunnel, you see the left track and it just ends and below that you see ten carts just all piled up on the ground a hundred feet below with some skeletons.

Travis: Let me just say the mine company did a really bad job if after the first cart they weren’t like “you know what? We’re gonna close this one.”

Justin: This one doesn’t work real well.

Travis: We should just get rid of that lever now that I think about it!

Clint: We owe a big one to Penumbra, I believe.

Travis: Paloma.

Clint: Paloma.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you’ve moved into another tunnel, the purple worm has caught up almost, it is again just about behind you. And all of a sudden levers pop out of all of your carts– Taako, actually, the lever you just used sort of recedes back into the cart and a different one pops up. These move up or down and all of you have to flip them into one of those positions, including Roswell.

Travis: Up or down?

Griffin: Up, up, or down. And you all don’t have to pick the same thing.

Clint: I’ll go down.

Travis: Yell it out in character, ‘cause I think we should at least be two and two.

Merle: I am going down!

Griffin: Okay, you flip yours into the down position.

Magnus: I’m going up!

Griffin: Magnus flips his into the up position, Taako?

Taako: Uh, which way’s Roswell’s going?

Griffin: Roswell will go whichever way I guess you don’t go, if we wanna do an even two-two split.

Taako: Down.

Griffin: Okay, you flip yours into down position, and Roswell flips it into up. So Roswell and Magnus are going up, Taako and Merle are going down and sure enough the track kind of does a branch going upwards and carts number one and two branch off and go up the track, and Merle and Taako you stay on the lower track which actually dips down a little bit. And the purple worm just gets a burst of speed out of somewhere and is basically in between the two of you on these tracks, and let’s say Magnus and- who’s in the front of the lower section now? Merle? Magnus and Merle make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: Here, you can use one of mine, daddy.

Clint: Thank you.

[Dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, that’s good enough.

[Dice rolling]

Clint: 12.

Travis: 15.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re good. You sort of beat away these tentacles as they whip up from out of the purple worm’s mouth.

Travis: [crosstalk] We beat them off. [Clint snickers]

Griffin: Gross. Um.

Travis: What?

Clint: We already said we were going down.

Griffin: Um- gross again, two grosseroonies. This one’s getting the explicit tag on iTunes for sure. So, Merle and Taako, you are above the purple worm and Magnus, er, sorry reverse that, Magnus and Roswell are above the purple worm, Merle and Taako you’re below the purple worm. What do you do to slow down or handicap the worm from these positions?

Clint: I cast “Spiritual Weapon”.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I’m gonna cast spiritual weapon which creates a floating, spectral weapon. I shape it to look like a giant fish hook.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: ‘Cause if that doesn’t scare the shit out of a worm, I don’t know what will.

Justin: Nice, nice.

Griffin: Okay, so you just rolling attack?

Clint: Yep! [dice roll] 18!

Griffin: Yeah, yeah that’ll definitely do it.

Clint: Alright, and then I roll a d8, correct?

Travis: I’m so glad I’m here so I can give you my dice.

Clint: I’m sorry! I’m sorry, alright, so I roll a d8. [dice roll]

Travis: Not supposed to touch another man’s dice, you’re using up all my luck.

Clint: It’s a 5 plus my spellcasting modifier, which is plus 8 so that’s uh, 13.

Griffin: Okay, yeah you hit it for 13 damage which isn’t a ton of damage for the purple worm but the hook does get caught in its giant mouthful of teeth and drags it backwards, just a little bit which kinda moves it from in between all four of your carts to now just kind of behind it.

Clint: Nice job, Merle!


Travis: Good work, Merle.

Griffin: Nice job, Merle. Taako and Magnus, you’re still kind of in danger from the worm it is still sort of close enough to get some damage on you.

Travis: So it’s me and-

Griffin: [interrupting] It’s you and Roswell on top, Merle and Taako down below.

Taako: I’ve been doing a lot of bacon saving, you got anything you want to try?

[Clint laughs]

Magnus: With what?
Taako: Bow? You got a spear or whatever?
Magnus: With my spear, okay- with my spear and my bow.

Griffin: Oh, I’ve seen that fuckin’ look before.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: Have you?

Clint: Actually, you haven’t, have you?

Griffin: That’s a good point. I’ve heard of this look.

Travis: Okay, describe the skin of the worm to me?

Clint: Oh my god, I know what you’re thinking.

Griffin: Thick and purple and leathery.

Travis: Okay… Any openings?

Griffin: Um, there’s a small opening that was made by the hook just now on the side of its cheek.

Travis: Okay [snickers] Okay, I wanna, I wanna tie a rope- Okay this is what I want to do.

Clint: [crosstalk] [quietly] Yes, yes, c’mon do it!

Travis: Tie a rope to the Chance Lance.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And tie the rope off to my cart, and aim that at- hm, no, no, no. Okay, I hold one end, tie it to a crowbar.

Griffin: ‘Kay?

Travis: And I’m gonna aim the Chance Lance for that hole.

Griffin: Okay. This gonna be a tough shot.

[dice roll]

[Clint laughs in approval]

Travis: 19! Plus 9 is 28.

Griffin: Uh, yeah that’ll do it. You throw it and it manages to wedge its way into the hole and-

Travis: [interrupting] And I’m gonna hook the crowbar, um, the- the rails.

Griffin: Okay, you now have a taut rope leading between you and the purple worm-

Travis: No, not on my car, I’m gonna hook it between the rails!

[The track “The Purple Worm” plays as Griffin speaks]

Griffin: Oh shit, okay, yeah, this how this is gonna work out. You do that, you put it down, you just drop the crowbar into the rails and I think we get a close up on the purple worm’s eyes, its seventeen eyes [Clint makes a monster screech] as it realizes as the rope whips back behind it, it goes “uh oh.”

And it just almost comes to a complete stop and you have definitely handicapped the worm, and kept it from catching up to you. Side effect: you have almost destroyed the track that you and Roswell are on, and you’ve pulled it completely off the wall that it was sort of like these iron bars had secured it on to and now the track is sort of free and wobbling and about to go down.

Travis: I recall the Chance Lance.

Griffin: Uh, okay you recall the Chance Lance and you have it back but the track is still about to fall over with you and Roswell on it. What do you- uh, what do you do?

Travis: Are the two boys below us?

Griffin: Uh, yeah more or less.

Magnus: Alright, Junebug!
Roswell: Yeah, what do you need? It’s not a great time.
Magnus: We gotta jump!
Roswell: This is a shitty shit shit shit plan, you know that, right?
Magnus: So I figure you can like, do like a stretchy thing? I saw you do it in the bank.
Roswell: You want me to do what now?
Magnus: I want you to do your big stretchy arms, like Stretch Armstrong, you know what I mean? [Clint cackles] We’re gonna get down there.
Roswell: You want me to stretch my body and connect our carts to their carts?
Magnus: Very much so.
Roswell: This is a stupid idea but-
Magnus: Junebug! Do it!
Roswell: Okay!

Griffin: Uh, Roswell flings- like, whips its arms to the side in a ‘T’, and the armour on its arms just goes flying off and backwards into the abyss and now it just has these two long clay arms, and it whips them down, uh, from your carts on the top track and grabs onto the back of Merle’s cart and forms basically, like, a clay bridge with its body.

Travis: Okay. I grab onto Roswell and I say- [laughing while he speaks Magnus’ line]

Magnus: Let’s get over there. Tighten her up, Stretch!
Roswell: Uh, you go first! Just go! Cross my arms.

Travis: I slide down their arms, using like, my shield as like, the zipline like - wheee!

Griffin: That’s fucking great. Okay, because of that, that - you just do it. You work your way down. How is Roswell - you’re commanding Roswell right now, how does Roswell get down, because they can’t use their own arms as a bridge.

Travis: But they’re holding on, right?

Griffin: They are holding on, yeah.

Magnus: Okay, just jump!
Roswell: This is a shit idea, are you sure?
Magnus: It’s gonna be great!

Griffin: Okay, uh, they’re gonna make an acrobatics roll. Uh, we’ll say they have plus - I mean, they’re not acrobatic, they’re a huge ball of clay. So we’ll do just straight up or down, we’ll see how they do. Uh, okay, here’s what’s gonna happen. Roswell manages to sort of, like you said, like, retract itself, so Roswell manages to get in, but it’s not like, a clean entry? Roswell loses some clay, like, their legs and their leg armor and the clay that was on their legs just gets like - knocked off as it get caught in the tracks.

But Roswell pulls themself off, and you see some of their torso siphon down and form new legs, but there’s no armor on them, there’s no armor on them at all. And the bird on Roswell's shoulder, like, it looks completely frazzled right now. Like, because of what just happened, but Roswell stands up and puts up a naked fist with nothing coming out, and then like looks at their fist, and then forms some clay to make a thumb to give you guys a thumbs up.

Travis: Yay, we did it!

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: But now all of you are sharing two cars. And you see the track above you just like fall-- it’s actually wobbling and kind of in danger of falling over onto your lower track, but it goes the other way and collapses into the wall.

Clint: Phew! That was close.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, fourth leg. You, uh, are nearing the end of this tunnel. The worm is, way way behind you at this point. Um, but, you realize that in all the commotion that just happened, the power unit for the back cart-- the engine-- must be going out or something, ‘cause it’s got a big gash on it and it’s shooting out sparks. And your carts are starting to lose speed very quickly as you hear the worm making its way in your direction from deeper behind the tunnel. What do you do to get these carts moving again?

Magnus: Don’t you have a wrench, Merle?
Merle: I have the Adamant Spanner!

Griffin: ‘K.

Magnus: Yeah, and isn’t it like a magic wrench? That fixes things when you hit ‘em?
Merle: Yep!
Magnus: Super cool!

[Clint goes “WHANG!”]

Justin: [Quietly, crosstalk] I do have a sleeping baby…

Griffin: [Crosstalk] Uh, Merle, you are in the rear car, so

Travis: Are all three of us in--

Griffin: All four of you, are in two carts.

Merle: I say we make Roswell jump out.
Magnus: No!
Merle: Th-then it’s less weight! We’ll go faster!
Magnus: Listen, I don’t argue with your logic-

Griffin: Roswell-- Roswell says like,

Roswell: If that’s what you ne-- If that’s what you guys--
Magnus: No! Ro-- Ros. Not gonna do that to you.
Taako: Roswell. It’s a good idea. Hang on.

Justin: And I cast ‘Levitate’ on Roswell.

Griffin: [Chuckle] Okay. Roswell is now-- Okay, you’ve lifted the weight out of the cart, uh, that was Roswell, and Roswell still has their two clay hands on the back of the cart, floating behind you. Um, and, the removal of that weight was exactly what you needed to-- to get the speed back and going again. The purple worm has more or less caught up to you and, Roswell, their arms are stretching out, cause they’re made of clay, and Roswell is now starting to actually fall backwards. What do you do to save Roswell?

Travis: We-- We pull them back??

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you grab onto Roswell’s arms and like, pull them forward as the purple worm snaps its mouth shut, uh, just narrowly missing Roswell. One of you will have to keep a hand on Roswell’s armour to keep its clay from stretching out. Who does that? If you do that?

Travis: Cool, I’ll do that. They need both their hands for magic and stuff.

Griffin: Alright, so Magnus you are now kind of holding onto Roswell, keeping them from floating away. Uh, and, you’ve cleared this leg. And you come out of this tunnel and you are in a massive underground cavern, with tons of small tunnels bored in nearly every direction, all searching for new veins of diamonds. But there aren’t tracks leading into these tunnels, and you actually realize with horror, that the track that you’re currently on, comes to a full stop in this room.

There’s a steep, about 120 foot ramp leading downward, followed by a brief incline, and then just nothing. And about 70 feet in front of the end of that ramp, upward, is the only source of light in this room. It’s the shimmering light coming off of the exterior bubble of town. It is a full sphere and so it reaches underground too and that is where you are. So you’re basically heading down a ski jump essentially, leading into the bubble. You have reached the end of the line.

Travis: How much time do we have?

Griffin: You have just kind of moments, um...

Travis: Okay.

Magnus: Okay, I have a plan! It’s a little nutty but, [laugh] go with me on this. Merle, grab Roswell.
Merle: Check!
Magnus: [Hastily] Okay, Taako, get into this cart!

Griffin: Okay, Merle is now holding onto Roswell’s arms, keeping them from floating away.

Travis: Yes.

Taako: Okay.
Merle: Wheeeeee!
Magnus: Get in the cart.
Taako: Yeah, I’m in!
Magnus: Okay, great.

Griffin: And Taako hops into the front cart.

Magnus: Now you’ve got a thing that like, makes things bigger, right? A spell?
Taako: Yeah.
Magnus: Like you did with the motorcycle, right?
Taako: Yuuup.
Magnus: Okay! Soup up the engine on the back of the cart.
Taako: That’s… dumb–
Magnus: It’ll be great.

[Someone snorts]

Taako: That seems dumb–
Magnus: It’ll be great! It seems we gotta break through, right? And remember the cannon? The only way to get through the bubble was the high speed right? And I’ve got this lance.
Taako: [crosstalk] Seems like-- Um— Okay.
Magnus: Let’s do this.
Taako: Brace your asses. [snorts]

Griffin: As you are clearing the tunnel, you also realize there is another source of light, and it is the purple worm and it has a big old fire ball that it is about to barf out on all of you. Merle, what’re you doing?

Clint: Quick question!

Griffin: You’re holding up-- You’re holding up a card like you’re in Yu-Gi-Oh.

Clint: I’m gonna.

Travis: Do it, play it.

Clint: I play--

Griffin: Blue eyes white dragon!

Clint: Okay--


Clint: We’re sending the empty cart towards the worm, or towards the bubble?

Travis: We’re in the cart-- Towards the bubble. There’s a cart behind us that’s empty now.

Merle: I cast ‘Guardian of Faith’ on the one we’re cutting loose, and sending it back to the worm.

Griffin: Okay.

Merle: To do damage.

Griffin: Alright.

Merle: And slow it down.

Griffin: An angel appears in the rear cart, Della Reese appears in the rear cart and says:

Della Reese: This feels right.

[Travis, Griffin chuckle]

Travis: Della Re-e-e-e-se!

Clint: Put baby in.

Griffin: And that rear cart skips- she jams a beautiful golden heavenly spear into the hitch connecting the two carts and goes flying backward and does an attack on the purple worm, I guess. We’re kind of playing Calvinball with the purple worm at this point. [Clint laughs] Uh, okay– so you have this very, very fast cart and you are- oh wait. You cast that spell, but in doing so you definitely, definitely let Roswell go and Roswell is just floating off backwards, um-

Taako: [interrupting] Oh no you don’t!

Justin: I cast “Bigby’s Hand” and a large hand appears and grabs Roswell and holds them.

Griffin: Okay, here’s the scene: All, the three of you are now flying down this ramp, and you’re about halfway down it, this ski-jump ramp out to the end of the bubble. Roswell is free floating behind you basically perfectly in between you and the worm. Um, and Roswell has drawn their halberd - has drawn their halberd and in like striking position, the worm is immediately behind Roswell with a big mouthful of fire and you cast “Bigby’s Hand” and a big hand reaches out and grabs Roswell. Um, and Roswell says: {43:59}

Roswell: Okay, you all have done some great work here, I need you to trust me, right now! Trust me! Taako, tell me that I made Refuge safe. Just do it! Tell me that I made Refuge safe!
Taako: Roswell, you made Refuge safe.

Griffin: As you say that, Roswell starts to kind of expand like they did in the bank, and Roswell says:

Roswell: Thanks a lot, fellas.

Griffin: And a fireball shoots out of the purple worm’s mouth and right as it leaves its mouth, you watch Roswell just kind of spasm and send its clay outward in a giant red sheet. And as it does, the glow - the yellow glow that was sustaining it - just disappears from the clay as this giant red sheet catches the fireball and keeps it from destroying all of your carts.

And as it does, as Roswell does this, you see that yellow light just kind of leave that clay and just enter into the vermilion flycatcher that was on Roswell’s shoulder the whole time as this red bird flies upward and away from the fiery explosion. And the purple worm kind of gets caught up in the clay net as well, and gets slowed down.

[The track “The Purple Worm” begins to play in the background as Griffin speaks]

[Travis sniffles]

Griffin: And the three of you are safe and free as you fly down the ramp and launch upward off the end of the ramp all in one cart.

Travis: [determinedly] Magnus braces the Chance Lance like a lance, like in his shoulder forward.

Griffin: Okay, you are- the three of you are a dart that has been thrown off the end of this ramp and jab into the side of the bubble, and the extremely loud room that you were just in kind of just falls silent. [music stops] And you are in a white space, and in a cart, in a minecart going a hundred miles an hour but just sort of sailing through the white space and all of a sudden: you see a hole in front of you in the white space as you see daylight and red clay.

And you emerge out of the bubble where you entered into the town of Refuge, and you flip over- the cart you’re in flips end over end and dumps you on the ground as the cart keeps going just past you. And you are back in the Woven Gulch and you are lying just in front of Avi and his big, big Yeager cannon. And Avi turns and looks at you and he’s really startled and he says:

Avi: [exhales quickly] You guys just scared the shit out of-

Griffin: And before he can finish, the hole you just came through in the barrier expands and the purple worm sails through it. The purple worm sails through the side of the bubble-

Travis: [interrupting] I pull Avi down.

Griffin: You grab Avi and pull him down and this- it’s like a train going over you, like it casts a shadow over all of you and sails over you for probably a good 15 seconds before it skids to a halt just past you. And without missing a beat, it whips its head around and readies another fireball in your direction. But just as it’s about to incinerate you, you feel a rumble beneath your feet and from all around it- from all around the purple worm, three smaller purple worms burrow up from the ground; and it’s the ones that you fought at the beginning-

Travis: [interrupting] And spared, might I add! Fought and spared.

Griffin: And spared at the beginning. And these three purple worms are all whining this sound that is- they sound overjoyed, but it’s a horrible noise and the mama worm looks at these three little worms and then back at you, and then back at the baby worms and then it roars - but not the like anguished scream that you’ve heard, y’know a dozen times or so now, right before Refuge was destroyed, it’s a roar of joy. And it wraps itself around its three children and pulls its head high up into the sky, and then slams down into the ground, burrowing away with its family.

Clint: [singing] It’s a mother and child re-u-u-u-nion~! You guys have heard that song before right?

Travis: Nope! But I get the point of it, it was pretty straight forward.

Griffin: You literally said the thing that happened.

Travis: [crosstalk] You did it to music.

Clint: Well, Paul Simon did originally, I was just quoting.

[The track “The Purple Worm” plays as Griffin goes into commercial break. {48:19}]

[Commercial break ends at {54:44}]

Griffin: Avi is just white as a sheet, he’s paralysed in fear.

Magnus: How’s it going? [laughs]

Griffin: He doesn’t respond to you, he is just, he is just like-

Travis: [interrupting] I slap him.

Taako: Hey, I’ve got a fun question: How long we’ve been gone you think, Avi?
Magnus: Yeah, that’s a real good one.

Griffin: He doesn’t respond to you, he’s just. Paralysed.

Travis: I slap him again.

Griffin: … He doesn’t move or respond to that ‘cause he’s- he’s paralysed.

Merle: I slap him.

Griffin: Okay, you take turns slapping Avi-

Magnus: [interrupting] Anybody want a free shot on Avi?

Griffin: He doesn’t move because he is literally paralysed, and you realise he’s outlined in red light. And from behind him you actually see sort of, apparate behind him the red-robed figure that you've encountered a few times now. [creepy music begins] And it really quickly holds a finger to its lips, and then waves its hand in a circle, and your stones of Far Speech, they go dim, they go dark. And the red-robed figure says:

Red Robe: Did you retrieve the cup?
Magnus: Yes.
Red Robe: What did you change?
Magnus, Taako: Nothing.
Magnus: We didn't do anything with it.
Red Robe: You didn't use the cup?
Magnus: Nope, we all three said no, right?
Taako: Yeah, we didn't use it.
Red Robe: I'm really proud of you. I thought there was a chance that maybe this would be the one to end your adventure.
Magnus: Wait- you're proud of- hold on, you're the Red Robe, right? You're one of the bad guys.
Red Robe: Who told you that?
Merle, Taako: Everybody.
Magnus: Yeah, everybody. The Bureau. The, whats-her-face, the Director.
Merle: TMZ…
Red Robe: I need to know - do you trust me?
Magnus: Wait.

[All three say “No!” and “Hell no!” a bunch of times]

Merle: Not just no, but HELL NO!
Taako: You're fucking popping up in a red robe like Satan, you're speaking Parseltongue, you’re like, do we tr- NO we don't trust you. What kind of question is that?

Griffin: As you say that, that you don't trust him, it, it - this apparition, this basically red-robed ghost - or, it's a lich - floating in front of you - it starts to lose its composure. It starts to lose… And I mean that literally, like, the spectral form starts to jerk violently, and a bolt of energy kind of like, whips off of it. And actually, Merle, make a Dex save.

[Dice rolling]

Clint: [crosstalk] Nat 20!

Griffin: That’s a.. That’s a nat 20. You dodge out of the way, actually, as a bolt of red energy whips off of this Red Robe and sort of moves past you. And this red robed figure falls to its knees, and he's muttering to himself, like he's trying to calm himself down, and it doesn't sound like it sounds every other time he's spoken to you. It sounds like a guy's voice. And he says to himself:

Red Robe: [without warped voice] Lup, they don't trust me. I can't do it anymore, Lup. I'm sorry.

Griffin: And he calms down, and the sort of distortion that was happening to him kind of fades, and he stands back up and says:

Red Robe: [with warped voice again] The next time we meet, I will need you to trust me completely and absolutely. Otherwise, all of this will have been for nothing. The Hunger is almost here. And when it arrives, this world will be lost.

Griffin: And he disappears. And, immediately, Avi says:

Avi: Was that a purple worm?

Griffin: And is unparalyzed.

Taako: Oh! Uh, yeah! It totally was. Hey, Avi, quick question. How long have we been gone from your perspective?
Avi: Uh, like 45 minutes?
Taako: Hell yeah.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s about right.
Merle: [long, impressed chuckle]
Taako: That is so good. D’you wanna know what football teams are gonna win?

[Everyone laughs]

Griffin: Um, you all notice that actually, the bubble is still up in front of you. Like, the bubble did not come down. In fact, the hole that the three of you and the worm came through has closed back up. Refuge is still surrounded by this enormous, magical, opaque barrier. Um, but you see Istus’s reflection inside of the barrier, and she talks to you. And she says, uh:

Istus: I’m really proud of you all for not taking the chalice’s offer. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been to resist.
Taako: Thank you.
Magnus: Yeah, that means a lot. It was not easy.

Griffin: She says, um:

Istus: You’re probably wondering why the bubble didn’t come down after you came through it.
Magnus: Yeah, I stabbed it.
Istus: You made an exit for yourself, but I- Refuge is out of step with the rest of time. And I’m gonna get them back on schedule now, but… [exhales]. Time passed a bit differently in there than it did with the rest of the world. June, using the cup on the day that the worm attacked, it looped-she looped a single day 2,517 times. Well, they’re about to catch up. Um, you should really watch,

Griffin: She says. And Istus disappears, and the bubble goes transparent. And you see Refuge and its citizens on the other side. And they’re moving extremely quickly because time is moving really fast in the bubble. You see like almost a white strobe light effect and it’s because the sun is rising and setting a few times per second. And the whole town is gathered near the edge of the bubble, near where you’re standing. And you watch in timelapse as they quickly erect a big wooden sign, which they decorate and ornately paint with a single word. And the sign just reads: “Thanks!”

And under the sign there are three clay figures that some kids are crafting up and they do it in timelapse really quickly and it’s modeled after you. There’s these three little clay statues that kids are making. And as you move, as you watch this fast forward scene in front of you, every time you move, the kids like instantly reshape these clay statues to kind of like, mimic you, like they’re playing a game with you, even though time is passing at wildly different  speeds.

And nearly 7 years pass in ten minutes. And you see it all. You see midsummer harvest festivals and Candlenights celebrations. You see a few weddings, you see a couple of funeral processions. You see good days and you see bad days. But the whole town and its inhabitants seem happy, like the events of all those loops brought them together in a strange way. And after ten minutes or so, time inside the bubble slows down until it’s nearly at real time. And the town gathers around the sign they erected in your honor, and without a sound, the bubble pops.

And Refuge, and everybody living in Refuge is there, and they’re cheering. And they quickly sort of envelop all four of you. There’s a lot of folks who want to know more about Avi, who they haven’t met. He’s just this mystery man who they’ve watched through the bubble for seven years. They pull him in and just start asking Avi all these questions, like “Oh, we had bets. We had a theory that you were their boss and you were the one that really helped ‘em bring the bubble down.”

[Someone, probably Justin, snickers]

Griffin: And Avi’s just sort of graciously hanging out with them. Um, and they whisk all of you away to a big feast they’ve prepared in your honor. And I guess before heading out of Refuge, who in town do you want to say goodbye to? Who do you want to check in on seven years later in their time?

Travis: I wanna check on Paloma?

Griffin: Okay, yeah, Paloma is right there. Like, Paloma’s ready, she’s much, much- she looks much older, she’s an older woman now. And she hands all of you just like a giant basket of baked goods, like a ridiculously large basket of baked goods.

Justin: [crosstalk] Hell yeah.

Griffin: Which you, Taako, you appreciate the craftsmanship that went into these. And she says,

Paloma: You all did very good. I saw many different results that could’ve been in the crystals, many of them were quite shitty. But it seems like you’ve found the best one of all, so well done!

Clint: I want to check on Cassidy.

Magnus: I have a question for Paloma.
Paloma: Yes, what is it?
Magnus: Did– did I make the right choice?
Paloma: Hm. That’s hard to say. Um, we’re all here and I think it was the right choice, because things could’ve gone very, very badly for all of us if you had made a different choice. So– it was maybe not the best choice for you, but it was the best choice for us. Does that make sense?
Magnus: Thank you.

Griffin: Um, she starts to walk back into the crowd but before she does, she grabs you, Taako, she says,

Paloma: Taako, can I talk to you for a moment?
Taako: Sure.

Griffin: She pulls you away from the group. She reaches out her hand and she hands you a crystal. And, uh, she- it has a prophecy in it, and you see it and her eyes kind of roll back and she says:

Paloma: I have one last prophecy for you, Taako. Something you will need to know. In your hour of greatest need, you will find the power that you seek from the man wreathed in flames.
Taako: Jesus, like, can you-?

Clint: [laughs] Just-?

Taako: I have like now three prophecies I have to keep in my head simultaneously, thank you for this. Like a fucking walking story bible over here. And Paloma, is that all?
Paloma: Yes, that is it.
Taako: Well my lady, I have one request for you.
Paloma: Yes, what is it?
Taako: Will you find the kids, in town, who spent all their time to make those beautiful statues of us… and tell them to make my dick bigger.


Justin: And I reach my hand up for a high five. And she’s like-

Griffin: She instantly goes up and highfives you, [Justin bursts out laughing] she is rolling laughing.

Justin: [laugh] I knew she was down!

Paloma: You got me good that time, son.
Magnus: Oh! Where’s Junebug?

Griffin: Uh, you run after Junebug?

Magnus: Yeah!

Griffin: Okay, we’ll do- let’s do Dad and Cassidy first and then we’ll do you and Junebug. Yeah, you find Cassidy, she has been exonerated of all guilt for the crime of blowing up the temple.

Travis: [crosstalk] Hopefully, after 7 years, yeah?

Griffin: Yeah, no, she’s been a good member of town and in fact, when you find Cassidy, [Travis: yes] she’s wearing like a nice suit. She’s wearing like a nice suit and she has a top hat on and you find her in the elder’s manor because she has been made the elder of Refuge. And she says,

Cassidy: It’s my little gerblin friend, I remember you!
Merle: Well, I knew you were made of sterner stuff. And you know people love that folksy shit, and if you’re a candidate I can see why you’ve done so well in politics.
Cassidy: It’s like I told you, Cassidy is just chock-full of good ideas from ma toes to ma’ tips! My frosted tips, it’s a new fashion style I’m trying out in the last 7 years, it’s all the rage here in this bubble!
Merle: Well, I’m very proud of you, Cassidy.
Cassidy: You think you’ll ever come back to visit?
Merle: No. No, no.
Cassidy: …Well. Ok- alright then.

[Justin laughs]

Merle: Don’t you want to give me something? Taako got something.
Cassidy: I think I’ve got just the thing for you.
Merle: Okay.

Griffin: She reaches into her pocket and she says,

Cassidy: In your hour of greatest need. [Travis laughs] These will supply you with just the saving grace that you require, young man.
Merle: And what are they?

Griffin: You stretch out your hand, and she drops a couple of root beer barrels into your hand. But they’re all sticky and they’re covered in lint and stuff ‘cause they were in her loose pocket just kind of floating around.

Merle: ...Thanks?
Cassidy: They’res my favourites, you know this.
Merle: Yeah. Mmhm.
Cassidy: We’ve been trapped in a bubble, a closed environment for 7 years and I’ve held onto these root beer barrels- I fought off the temptation to eat these things- where you going?
Merle: [crosstalk, increasingly sounding more distant] Typical, typical, typical, fun, thanks a lot!

Griffin: Uh, okay.

Magnus: Where’s Junebug?

Griffin: You find Junebug in The Davy Lamp. And she says um- she’s like, what, she’d be about fifteen now so she’s a young woman now and she’s working at The Davy Lamp. And she’s working with Ren who also greets you happily as you all make your way into town. And June thanks you effusively, she seems wise beyond her years now because she went through something magical and sort of inexplicable. And she thanks you, and Magnus, she says:

June: Hold- Hold on one second.

Griffin: And runs up to her room in The Davy Lamp, and when she comes back down she hands you a tube, and it’s the type of like tube that scholars might store scrolls inside. And she says,

June: I think, um, I think you should have this.

Griffin: And the tube has your name scrawled on the outside of it, like a gift tag or something like that and she says,

June: I gotta get back to work, but, um, it’s really good to see you.
Magnus: It was good to see you too, Junebug. Should I open it?

Griffin: [crosstalk] She says,

June: Good luck!

Griffin: And she runs back up the stairs and into her room. And Magnus, you actually hear in your head, you hear the voice of the red robe that you’ve seen a few times now.  And he says:

Red Robe: Magnus– if you open that tube, Magnus, it’s going to be harder for me to protect you.
Magnus: Yeah, bite my ass!

Travis: I open the tube.

Griffin: Okay, you open the tube and see what’s inside of it and we’re gonna resolve that a bit later, is that okay?

Travis: Yeah?

Griffin: Okay! Uh -

Justin: I need to find somebody before we go.

Griffin: Okay, who do you look up?

Justin: I want to find Ren.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you hop into The Davy Lamp and you see Ren. And she is polishing some glasses behind the bar. And she says,

Ren: Oh my god, Taako! [Travis laughs] I’m just kidding, I remember you coming up and seeing me a couple times, how about that magic lesson, boss?
Taako: Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

Justin: And before I had stepped inside, I’d cast “Fabricate” on some blank paper that I brought with me.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I unfurl for her a diploma [Griffin panting with laughter] and it said: “Top of her class, this scroll bestows upon you, Ren, the high honour of being the first and only graduate of Taako’s Amazing School of Magic.”

Griffin: Her hands clasp over her mouth and her eyes go wide when she sees this diploma, and she says,

Ren: Aren’t I supposed to like, take lessons and stuff? Aren’t I supposed to like, learn from you first, before… ?
Taako: Ren?
Ren: Yeah?
Taako: [softly] I’ve been watching the whole time.

Clint: [gasps softly]

Travis: [quietly] That’s really good.

Griffin: She takes the diploma and she says,

Ren: I’ll never forget this.

Griffin: And jumps up and gives you a big hug.

Taako: And here’s one other thing.

Justin: And I give her the Gust Master and I say:

Taako: I don’t need this, because I know how to cast this spell.

[snickers, Griffin laughs]

Taako: And it’s heavy.

Griffin: Uh, she takes the fan from you, the Gust Master-5000 and says,

Ren: Aw, thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ll use it everyday!
Taako: In my head I thought this is an incredibly special treasure to me- I should’ve flipped those, so I’m sorry. Let me try again: this is an incredible treasure, and I want you to have it.
Ren: Thank you, thank you Taako. I’ll never forget this, will I ever see you again?
Taako: Ren… It’s hard to say, I’m not the DM on this one, buddy. [Griffin bursts out laughing] So, here’s hoping, I dunno.

Griffin: Alright you-

Travis: [interrupting] I actually have one more thing I want to find out.

Griffin: Yeah, please.

Travis: Um, I want to go to the temple, the temple’s there, right?

Griffin: Yeah, the temple of Istus is there, but it is rebuilt- it is not the temple you magically rebuilt, the two brothers have sort of rebuilt it. In fact -ooh!- this is good, you see Redmond and you’ve seen Redmond before, he’s seven years older. And you see- and you see Luca, and Luca is not a skeleton anymore. Luca, whatever magical effect that was done to Luca while inside the bubble has been reversed, and now he just looks kinda like a shorter, kind of pudgier Redmond. Um, they have their robes on and you find them at the temple of Istus, which was not magically restructured, it’s just been rebuilt by hand.

Magnus: Uh, h-hello? Brothers, um-
Luca: Magnus!
Magnus: Yeah, uh- hey! [laughs] Hey, nice voice!
Luca: Thank you, it’s the one I’ve always had!
Magnus: Um, I’m so glad to see you’ve got skin and stuff again and that the temple’s rebuilt. Can I- can I have a moment inside for a second? Just me?
Luca: Sure, give him the room, Redmond!

Griffin: And Redmond nods ‘cause I don’t remember what his voice sounds like and they walk outside of the temple.

Travis: ‘Mkay.

Griffin: Are you doing a Two Cathedrals thing?

Travis: No, no, no.

Griffin: Alright.

Magnus: Istus. Is- can you hear me? Is this a thing? You’re probably not on call, but if I can get you for like a second I just have one question.
Merle: Let me help you, let me help you: testing, one, two, three, Istus?

Griffin: Uh, two candles that are sitting on the pulpit light themselves.

Magnus: Um, I didn’t get a chance to ask because it happened after we met, but… When we were with June/the cup, it was running back through our history, there were these long periods of static. Do you have any idea what that is?

Griffin: Nothing happens.

Magnus: Is it anything we need to be concerned about?

Griffin: Um. One of the candles falls over and the flame on it goes out, and the candle rolls off the pulpit and falls down the stairs.

Clint: I walk up to the pulpit.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Clint: To make an offering, to the mighty Istus.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I reach into my pocket and I go and I put there and I say,

Merle: Mighty Istus, an offering to you to show our love and gratitude.

Clint: And I put those two nasty root beer barrels on it.


Griffin: [laughs] Okay, you hear a voice on the wind go,

Istus: [soft whisper]...Yuck…

[Justin wheeze-laughs]

Merle: Aw, I’ll take them back then.
Istus: No, leave ‘em. [assorted snickering in the background] Maybe I can clean them off.

[more wheeze-laughter]

Griffin: One last thing you do in Refuge, before you take off, as you make your way back from the temple, you walk by the elder’s manor and by the statue of Jack, June and the Red Robe - the bigger, burlier Red Robe than the one that you just saw - standing between them. And the kids have also made a little statue of Roswell there, and you sort of stop for a moment and look at this statue, and admire the kids’ handiwork I guess. And you hear a voice go:

Roswell: Boo!

Griffin: And you look, and it’s the vermillion flycatcher, the red bird that is now sitting on the statue of Roswell and says,

Roswell: I don’t remember being nearly this– rotund, when I was more full-bodied, but I guess they did a good enough job.
Magnus: You lost a lot of weight when your legs fell off there at the end, that one’s on us.
Merle: And clay adds ten pounds to ya, really.

Griffin: Roswell says - who’s now just completely inside of the bird body says,

Roswell: It’s really good to see you guys, I’m glad you stuck around.
Magnus: It’s really good to see you not dead!
Roswell: Um, I don’t know what magic animated me and made me, y’know, command-able? But, whatever it was, I feel like I’m kinda, not bound to service here anymore, so, I’m gonna fly around and see the world. Y’know, find out what I’m doing here.
Magnus: Well, if you get bored, there’s this like half-moon thing up in the sky. You can come check in on us and hang out.
Taako: Yeah, most birds can fly to the moon, right!       
Magnus: It’s not really the moon though, Taako, like we can get to it in a bubble!
Roswell: Well, that’s exactly the kind of stuff I want to give a shot, so maybe one day I’ll try to fly to the moon and, well, I’ll see you there.
Merle: And I’d like to point out: that even though we controlled you, when you were left to your own devices, you sacrificed your life for us.
Roswell: No, I’m still alive, it’s all good, man.
Magnus: And all of us were- like we were all there for that too, Merle. [laughs] It’s not like some big reveal!
Merle: Yeah, true.
Magnus: Like they were also there.
Merle: Well, I’m just happy you did!
Magnus: Oh, okay.
Merle: So we didn’t die! I’m glad we didn’t die.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Just to kind of recap this whole experience!
Roswell: Yeah, I’m glad you didn’t die either, okay, well, I’ll see you guys around!

Griffin: And Roswell flitters and flies off. Um, I have a quick epilogue I want to get to, so, Avi summons a bubble for you guys- an extraction bubble and your return to the moonbase is fairly without consequence, I’m assuming you hand over the cup to be destroyed?

Justin: Yup.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, it’s sort the same-

Travis: [interrupting] I-I would like to know what’s on the paper before I do! Can I know that?

Griffin: Oh we’ll- that’s the epilogue, we’ll get to it.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You hand over the cup to Davenport in the Director’s chambers - I know we’re kind of moving past this but we gotta wrap it, and there’s one other thing we need to get to. Uh, you put it inside one of those big heavy lead balls with the little circular window in it, he shuts it inside, wheels it to the big white chamber, it gets put up on a pedestal, big spears of light pierce through it and when it opens up again, it is empty. And the Director says,

The Director: Avi reported everything in already, I guess I’m sorry for making such a big deal out of everything; apparently this relic wasn’t as difficult to reclaim as I thought it was going to be, so, well done, boys.
Merle: Hah!
Magnus: No, it was super tough!
Taako: Get bent.

Justin: And I tell her the whole story.

Griffin: Okay.

The Director: Okay. Well, I take it back, that sounds fucking awful.
Magnus: Oh, it was real rough and we died a bunch.
Taako: A bunch.

[Merle makes a whoosh noise]

Magnus: So I think we probably get our life insurance a couple times over, right? Some kind of payout from the Bureau?
The Director: Ah, I don’t know about the life insurance stuff, but how about this?

Griffin: And she forks over a bag with 5400 gold pieces inside.

Taako: [crosstalk] Kaboom.

Griffin: Which you split three ways, I think that’s- is that 18, 18, 18? Did I do the math right?

Travis: Yes.

Clint: Mhm.

Griffin: Each of you get 1800 gold pieces and a token for the fantasy gachapon. Alright, let’s get to this epilogue real quick.

It’s later that night. Merle, you are laying out on the lawn of the Bureau of Balance quad. And it’s pretty late, most folks retired to their bunks for the evening and there’s a nice cool breeze that’s made cooler by the elevation of the Bureau HQ. And you’re laying on the grass and there’s a small bed of flowers actually growing up where your soulwood arm is laying on the grass.

Um, and you’re looking up at the stars - which you’re known to do sometimes - and the elevation of the headquarters gives you sort of an unparalleled view of. So you often look up at the stars, but tonight as you are laying out and looking upward, you feel like there are fewer stars in the sky- than there usually are when you do your stargazing- and as you just sort of intently watch the sky to confirm that, to try to count them, you see it undeniably- a star winks out, right in front of your eyes.

Clint: Am I drunk?

Griffin: Not tonight.

Merle: That’s weird.

Griffin: Taako, you take the central elevator of the residential dome downward that same night. Down to the bottom floor which houses your guys’ private dormitory, and as you open the door and drop your keys at the small table by the front door and hang up your Cloak of the Manta Ray on the cloak rack - I imagine you’re pretty exhausted, this has been a pretty exhausting sort of loop. I don’t want to speak for you, maybe you’re good to go?

Justin: I pat the Cloak of the Manta Ray and say,

Taako: Someday you’ll be useful, old friend.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Um, you hang up your cloak and you turn and you realize: you have a visitor in this room. He’s sitting on the couch in the living quarters that you all share. He’s wearing a fancy black suit, and he’s got a super handsome face-

Travis: And it’s Travis McElroy!


Griffin: It’s Kravitz. Who stands up and says,

Kravitz: Well, we need to talk, don’t we? ‘Cause you boys… You’ve added quite a bit to your death count, haven’t you?

Taako: …That one’s on me.

[Clint laughs quietly]

Griffin: Magnus, you are in a little corner of the dining hall, which is a big massive communal space for the Bureau. As late as it is, there’s nobody else here, that gives you the privacy that you need to look at what’s inside of this tube one more time. And you pop it open and unfurl it.

[The track “Disrobed” begins to play as Griffin speaks]

Griffin: And there’s something strange about the parchment inside of this tube, which is that you can see it. You can see what’s on it. But when you try to draw conclusions based on what you see, when you try to understand what it is you’re seeing, your mind turns to static. And it’s an incredibly uncomfortable sensation. So, what you see inside the tube are two sheets of paper: and the first one is a design for the statue that stands in the middle of Refuge depicting Jack, June and the broad-shouldered Red Robe standing between them.

Griffin: And it has a date etched in the corner of it. The other piece of parchment, when you look at the date you can tell this was an older draft of this statute- an older design of the same statue. And in this sketch, in this earlier sketch, Jack and June look exactly the same, but the Red Robe’s hood is pulled down. And you can see his face. And it’s an incredibly familiar face, Magnus. Because it’s your face. This figure in this red robe, is you.

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson, plays into the Maximum Fun outro]

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