Balance – Episode 46: The Eleventh Hour: Chapter Six/Transcript
Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
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Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone:
[theme music begins playing in the background]
- The Director: The fifth grand relic. The Temporal Chalice [pronounced with a soft “ch” sound]. Or Chalice [pronounced with a hard “ch” sound], depending on just sort of what region you’re from.
Griffin: And as you make your way out into the street, you see smoke coming through the windows of the bank. There’s a dark elf woman who is lying on the ground. She is dead. There is a young man with jet black hair lying on the ground, he is also dead. And there’s a small hole with another bubble around it, and there’s light coming down through this hole. Actually, from far above you, you can faintly hear the sounds of commotion and of distant screams.
- Paloma: [echoing] You will need divine intervention. You will find it at the Temple of Istus.
- Taako: All right!
Griffin: There is a skeleton.
- Luca: I would be willing to help you out, to help you seek divine intervention from Istus herself, but I will need my brother’s help in order to do so. Tell him that Luca misses him and needs his help.
- Magnus: Yeah, probably not in this loop, but.
[Clint laughs]
- Announcer: You’re about to see these boys on their baddest behavior. Lend them some sugar, they are your neighbor. It’s The Adventure Zone!
[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]
{1:36}
Griffin: Let’s just pick it up where we usually pick it up. Where we’ve picked it up so, so many times before. I imagine sort of how when you sit on a couch for long enough your butt impress leaves a little fossil in there, I think there are three forms of just your unconscious bodies in the dust, like you’ve worn it out in that one space in front of the gate leading into Refuge. What do you want to do?
Clint: I think it’s pretty obvious we need to go find his brother. Right? Go find Luca’s brother?
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: Right. In the last episode Luca told you that he works the Stonefruit Farms, and that’s where he is. And he’s up to some trouble.
Clint: And that was that orchard-y looking place we saw.
Griffin: Yeah, you can see it on the map, it’s like the northernmost.
Travis: The farm-ish place.
Griffin: Yeah, the place that’s explicitly labeled Stonefruit Farms in the key.
Travis: So can we assume we’re just moving past Roswell with our-
Griffin: Yeah, you can use that same loop.
Travis: I also just, as we’re walking past it, would like to take a peek down the well at the start of town.
Griffin: As you approach the well, I would like all of you to make perception checks.
Justin: Aw, dunk.
Griffin: I had you do this last time too and everybody failed.
Justin: Not this fucking time.
Travis: [rolls dice] I got a 12.
Clint: I… yeah, no, I got an 8.
Justin: That’s not very good, Daddy.
Clint: I know. I guess I fucking failed.
Justin: Do better. [crosstalk]
Griffin: Whoa. A lot of swearing. Taako, how’d you do?
Justin: Yeah, your kid has got you covered right now with this. He’s got a 23.
Griffin: Oh, yeah, Jesus. Ok no, the kid with those keen, keen magic eyes. Taako, you see from behind the well, kind of spying on you, it looks like, you see the shadow of a man. Scaramouche, scaramouche. No, you do see - I mean, it does, it kind of looks like a guy’s shadow looking at you over the well.
And to be frank that 23 was just good enough to see this thing because it was really tough to see. And it vanishes almost as soon as you lay eyes on it, but you know that was somebody looking at you. I’ll actually say, with a roll that good, you kind of piece together that you’ve walked by this well every time you’ve come in town. And you’ve never seen that thing there before. Not in any of the other loops.
Travis: Now, this shadow, Griffin. Does he know what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
[Clint does a spooky laugh.]
Griffin: No, there’s no fedora on this being.
Travis: Is there some kind of spiritual, emotional fedora?
Griffin: Everybody’s wearing a spiritual fedora, Ju- Travis. That’s the secret.
Travis: Have you heard the good news? I’ve got some pamphlets here about your spiritual fedora.
Griffin: That’s what the book “The Secret” is about.
Justin: Is there any sort of top hat? I mean, what’s the chapeau situation up there? [Travis laughs]
Griffin: No, there’s no-
Travis: Don’t leave us hanging, Griffin, give the people what they want.
Griffin: There’s a Stetson hat.
Travis: Ooh.
Griffin: Yeah, how about that? But, the shadow’s gone just as quick as you saw it. It is not there anymore.
Justin: Do I have a - I mean, is it gone or did I stop seeing it? Do I have a sense of that?
Griffin: I mean, you didn’t, like, start - no, it’s just gone. It just disappeared right in front of you.
Travis: Well, I didn’t see it, so I’m still headed to check down the well. I [mumbling] just wanna kind of look down and I drop a penny.
Griffin: Oh, okay, do you actually do that?
Travis: Do I have pennies? I don’t want to drop any-
Clint: They gotta drop a diamond.
Griffin: Yeah, you’ve got gold pieces, probably. Unless you spent literally all of them.
Travis: How about I just drop a rock down and listen?
Griffin: You probably have a few gold pieces just as per diem that the Bureau gives you.
Travis: But I don’t want to drop some fucking gold pieces, that’s like dropping a dollar coin.
Griffin: Yeah, okay, you drop a rock.
Justin: Fuck, this is captivating! What will he drop?
Griffin: You drop a rock. Well, this is actually going to be interesting. You drop a rock and it’s like, you can kind of see down the well a ways. You hear the rock hit something. What sound would it make? It sounds ab- [sighs] The sound sounds vaguely like- oomph. It doesn’t sound like it’s hitting rock, it doesn’t sound like it’s landing on anything. Unfortunately it’s too dark down that well for you to see where it stopped.
- Magnus: Fellas, I’ve got a theory. I know that that’s not my norm, but remember how we could hear the explosion and stuff when we were down in the mine at the shield with the worm and stuff?
- Taako: Mmhm.
- Magnus: I think this is how we could hear it. I think we’re right above it right now.
- Taako: We could definitely investigate that, but I feel like the farm should still be our priority, right?
- Magnus: Definitely, but this might be a shortcut to get down there a lot faster next time.
- Merle: Let’s remember the well.
Griffin: You’re heading up to the Stonefruit Farms?
Travis: Yeah!
Griffin: Okay. How are you getting up there? ‘Cause it’s on the opposite end of the bubble than you’re at, so it’ll take you a fair while to get there just walking.
Clint: If only we had something we could ride.
Justin: Listen, I see where you’re going with this. It’s not a three-man-
Clint: Why not?
Travis: Are there any horses around we could hijack?
Griffin: There is one horse posted up in front of the sheriff’s office, but that’s it. They don’t really have need for horses in this.
Travis: Okay. I yell over my shoulder,
- Magnus: Roswell, we need your horse.
- Roswell: That’s fine. I’m too big to ride that thing anyway. I hate that fucking horse.
Travis: All right, I grab Merle and drag him up behind me.
Justin: I cast Phantom Steed.
Clint: Yeah!
- Garyl: Yo.
Griffin: Garyl appears. Beautiful, shimmering mane. Maybe a look of jealousy or perhaps competition in their eyes? As they eye this other horse?
- Garyl: Yo, thanks for putting the little dwarf on him.
- Merle: Wait a minute, what’s that supposed to mean?
- Garyl: ‘Cause you’re a fat man. I don’t like it.
- Merle: Man, you know Garyl always talks the truth, man.
- Magnus: All right, Garyl, I’ll follow your lead.
- Garyl: You’re like dark matter. You’re so small, but it’s like, youuuuch.
- Merle: We get tha- Yeah, I’m fat, let’s go.
Griffin: You’re not fat, you’re dense, I think is what Garyl’s saying. [crosstalk]
- Merle: Dense is not much more complimentary.
- Garyl: You’re dense. Like a good steak. Made out of metal. I’m not good at metaphors, I’m only about thirty seconds old. What’s up? Let’s ride.
Griffin: Wait, thirty seconds old, is it a different Garyl? Every time Garyl is summoned and unsummoned-
Clint: Surely there’s some kind of race memory thing.
Justin: He’s not stringing together his memories.
Griffin: Yeah, I guess that’s - wow, shit, that’s dark.
Clint: And yet he remembered I was dense!
Justin: What? He can just tell by fucking looking at you.
Clint: Oh, okay. [laughter]
Griffin: Okay, you work your way through the-
Justin: I think if you’re a horse and you don’t get a sense of how heavy it would feel for someone to ride, that’s going to be like your first thing that you develop.
Travis: That’s 101.
Justin: That’s 101, is that person looks dense.
Griffin: That person’s dense, that person’s got oats.
Justin: That’s 101 and 102.
Clint: Okay.
Justin: All right, so let’s ride to the farm.
Griffin: Okay, you ride through those woods. [Travis makes horse noises] It’s a fairly easy ride. You go past Paloma’s hut and get some of that good smell.
Travis: I wave at it just in case she’s looking out the window.
Griffin: She’s not.
Travis: Well, you don’t know. [pause] Actually, you probably do-
Clint: Yes, he does.
Griffin: I do know, I’m making it all up as I go. And as you reach the end of the woods-
Travis: Then I yell,
- Magnus: Paloma! Paloma, I’m waving at you!
Griffin: She just yells,
- Paloma: Holler!
Griffin: -out the door.
Travis: Aah, so she is a hollaback girl!
Griffin: She absolutely is. You make your way to the end of the woods and you start to come near a clearing through which you can see Stonefruit Farms. And what you see are - and it’s fenced in, with a small picket wooden fence. You see two wide plots of orchards, and they are lined with these tall well-kept trees, and each of those trees has dozens of these plump stone fruits, which are plum-like super-sweet produce that can grow in harsh environments like this one. And these stone fruits, you’ve definitely eaten them before. I think they’re as common as apples in this world. But these look incredible. They are unblemished with a flawless marbled purple rind. Each one’s about the size of a regulation bocce ball.
Griffin: You see two people standing in this field, you see a male elf who is gingerly harvesting some of these fruits from a tree near the center of the orchard, and you see a tall human woman who isn’t doing any field work. She is practicing aiming a crossbow at some bottles that are lined up on that fence. So that woman is facing in your direction but has not seen you yet because you haven’t emerged from the woods.
Griffin: To the left of the two plots, you see a large fairly inviting-looking homestead, but as you look at it you notice something weird, and that is that both the fields and even a portion of this house have been cut off by the bubble. And these fields are really wide but they’re not especially deep because they end at the bubble, and based on the width of these plots you kind of surmise that they were once vast, vast orchards that have been reduced to a fraction of their size when the bubble went up.
Travis: And remind me, Griffin, the bubble is opaque or translucent?
Griffin: From- it’s kind of halfway. It’s kind of shimmery. If you looked really hard you could see what’s going on outside, but… yeah.
Travis: Gotcha.
Clint: Have we really ever investigated the bubble? I mean, have we ever-
Justin: We looked through it that one time but I don’t think we’ve been back to it, if memory serves.
Griffin: Yeah, you’ve been - it’s certainly been around you. I mean, it’s everywhere. You see it. You look up and you can see it. So that is the scene. Oh, and these two farmworkers, I should mention - they’re wearing purple kerchiefs around their necks.
Travis: Oh!
Griffin: And they’re using them occasionally to dab the sweat out of their eyes. They’re not wearing them as bandit masks or anything like that, but they’ve got purple kerchiefs on. So you’re at the end of the woods. You’ve come to this clearing. You can see them, they have not seen you yet, what would you like to do?
Travis: I have rustic hospitality, so I’m just gonna go up and talk to them.
Clint: You know, you’ve mentioned that every episode, and I don’t know if we’ve ever taken advantage of it.
Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you come up out of the woods. Do you say something to sort of announce yourself? Do you - what do you do?
Clint: Be rustic. Be rustic!
Griffin: Do be rustic about it.
Travis: In Elven, to the elf, I say,
- Magnus: Heigh-ho there, elf! It’s a pleasure to meet you on this fine day!
Griffin: You appear from the woods and yell “heigh-ho,” and as you do that you actually startle the woman that was shooting the crossbow at the bottles. She lets an arrow fly in your direction. [rolls dice]
Clint: Let me guess who it hits.
Travis: It’s aimed at me.
Griffin: 17 versus AC?
Travis: That misses. And I’ve got my Fletcher’s Mitt, so I’d like to imagine I catch it out of the air.
Griffin: Okay, yeah, you catch it inches in front of your face. She panics and yells,
- Woman: Oh my god!
Griffin: -and starts to nock another arrow in her crossbow.
- Magnus: Sorry to startle you! Did not mean to at all. We’re just here looking for Redmond. We spoke with his brother Luca, who said that this is where we would find him. We were hoping that you might be able to point us in his direction.
Griffin: The elf has come down from the tree that they were picking stuff from and grabs a staff from the ground and holds it up. I think both of them kind of instinctively actually pull the kerchiefs over their faces. And the elf says,
- Elf: Did Roswell send you? Are you here to stop us?
- Magnus: No, we stole this horse from him. We’re not with him at all.
Griffin: Taako and Merle, what are you guys doing?
Clint: I’m watching this delightful exchange!
Justin: Yeah, I feel no need to hop in here. I’m good.
Griffin: Okay. [crosstalk] And then they say-
Travis: [crosstalk] Have they seen Taako yet?
Griffin: No, they have not seen the other two. And Magnus, they say,
- Elf: Are you alone?
- Magnus: Yep! Just me. Just here looking for Redmond. No big thing at all, just wanted to talk to him about fruit.
Griffin: The elf starts-
- Magnus: Big fan of fruit!
Griffin: You see the elf start to swirl his staff around menacingly, and there’s some sort of spark, some sort of accumulation starting at the top. He’s not casting anything, he’s just flexing, a little bit. And he says,
- Elf: Okay, drop your weapons. Right now.
- Magnus: Uh… well, how about the old same-time maneuver? Where we both put our weapons down. You’ve got that swirly staff, which is quite impressive, that’s wonderful staff work.
- Elf: No, no.
- Magnus: What?
- Elf: No, no, no. If you want to talk to Redmond you’re going to do it unarmed.
- Magnus: Okay, you’ve got it. Just don’t touch them. They are cursed and might kill you.
- Elf: Oh, cursed weapons, I’ve heard of those.
- Magnus: It happens.
Travis: I put my Railsplitter and rapier on the ground.
Griffin: Yeah, you set those down, and you start to walk toward them. Taako, Merle, are you guys just watching all this happen from the clearing?
Clint: Just waiting for our moment.
Justin: Yeah. Just waiting - does it seem like everybody’s gonna head inside?
Griffin: Yeah, they all start to move. One of them actually comes over and frisks Magnus, looking for other weapons. I think you have a shortbow too, Magnus. [crosstalk] Yeah, you’re following orders, right? You don’t have some secret plan?
Travis: Nope! I’m being rustically hospitable.
Griffin: Okay. Cool. And they seem more at ease, actually, around you, Magnus. It seems like you’ve gained their trust.
Travis: They like my musk.
Griffin: Yeah. This is your rustic hospitality, I think, paying off. They start to walk with you back in. Taako and Merle, from behind you, you hear rustling. You hear people running, actually, and when you look behind you, you see two other guys wearing purple kerchiefs who you recognize as the drunk dudes who probably just got blasted out of the bar and are running back to home base. And they see you and yell,
- Kerchief guy: Hey, these - we got some spies in the midst!
Griffin: And this makes the other two people turn around uhh and draw weapons. Let’s roll initiative.
Travis: Oh, I don’t get a surprise round or anything?
Griffin: I think they would get a surprise round on you if anything. You are the surprised party by the backup that has come [several dice roll] to join them.
Travis: I got a 13. Sorry, plus 2. 15.
Clint: That was a 15… [rolls dice] and another 15.
Justin: Wow.
Griffin: Weird. You add to that, right, Dad?
Clint: No, I got zero initiative.
Justin: I rolled a 15.
Griffin: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Clint: Did you really?
Justin: Yeah, this is weird. Cursed table.
Griffin: What’s everybody’s dex modifiers?
Travis: Mine’s plus two.
Clint: My dex?
Griffin: Taako?
Justin: Plus three.
Clint: Plus zero.
Griffin: All right, it’s gonna be Taako, Magnus, then Merle. And in fact, Taako, you go first. You got the two that are- basically have weapons drawn on a disarmed Magnus, and you have the two ruffians that are behind you and they are drunk and embarrassed because they just got DJ Jazzy Jeff-ed out of the bar, but otherwise they’re ready for a fight.
Clint: Are we still sitting on Garyl?
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: Yeah, I think you would - that’s up to you. I think you would dismount not knowing what’s going to happen in the situation as you emerged out of the clearing but it’s up to you. Are you on the spectral horse?
Justin: I think we’d probably dismount.
Clint: Aw.
Justin: I just don’t want to integrate him into a fight. I don’t know how to do it.
Clint: I was trying to work in some really dope rodeo stunts.
Griffin: If you did want to integrate- if you want to integrate him into a fight, I think go for it, that sounds like it’d be hysterical. But… yeah.
Justin: Yeah, Dad, if you want to ride him you can. You’re still on him. I hopped off.
Clint: Okay.
Justin: Cause I need to do my biz.
Travis: No, no. Dad was on my horse, which I’m calling Horsey.
Justin: That’s right. What’s Horsey’s deal?
Griffin: If Dad’s still on him, Dad’s still on him.
Clint: I’m still on Horsey.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: It’s time for dope rodeo shit!
Justin: Yeah, I’m gonna cast on the magical one Otiluke's Resilient Sphere.
Griffin: You’re just making shit- you’re just Scat Man-ing over there making shit up.
Clint: Let me see the card, let me see the card.
Justin: Otiluke's Resilient Sphere.
Clint: Oh, no he’s not.
Justin: A sphere of shimmering force encloses a creature or object of large size or smaller within range. An unwilling creature must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save the creature is enclosed for the duration, which is a minute.
Griffin: [rolls dice] That’s a 6. So he’s just floating around in a bubble now?
Justin: Nothing, not physical objects or energy or other spell effects, can pass through the barrier, in or out.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: But he can breathe. I’ll let him breathe.
Griffin: I like the mental image of the bubble maybe floating around a little bit, like a literal soap bubble. And this elf is now just kind of helplessly flying around. Some of those sparks that were coming off the staff are now bouncing off the interior of the bubble, and he shuts the spell down. He looks kind of scared.
- Taako: Yeah, be careful, you don’t want to burn off all your oxygen there, bubble boy.
Griffin: Magnus, you are up next. You are disarmed, you are right next to these two - or I guess next to this one now, who had a crossbow trained on you. And the other one is floating around in a bubble now. You’re about ten feet from your weapons.
Travis: Okay, I’m going to use my cunning action.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: To use Dash and you gain extra movement for the current turn. The increase equals your speed, blah blah blah-
Griffin: Sure. You just get extra movement. I got you.
Travis: Yeah. To head for, you know, my weapons.
Griffin: Okay. The three of you were walking into the house when you- you weren’t inside of it yet but that was the direction you were heading. I just wanted…
Travis: And I was in front of them?
Griffin: They probably - you were probably side by side.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: But with the cunning action they don’t get an opportunity attack, right?
Travis: Yes. Or maybe that’s disengage.
Griffin: That’s disengage, so they are going to get an opportunity attack if you run away from them.
Travis: Actually, hold on. We’re side by side?
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Travis: Okay. Before I go I wanna just punch one of them.
Griffin: Well, there’s only one left that’s not in a bubble.
Travis: Okay. Yeah, I wanna punch her.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Oh, you bubbled one of the two that were near Travis?
Justin: I bubbled the wizard, yeah.
Clint: Oh, okay.
Justin: I was worried that he would be the one who could cause the biggest damage.
Clint: Wow. That’s a good choice.
Griffin: You’re Phantom Fisting, I imagine?
Travis: Phantom Fisting her.
Griffin: Go ahead and roll.
Travis: I rolled a 14 plus 8, 22.
Griffin: Yeah, that works. So that’s not very much damage.
Travis: No, but I get to push her away from me.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Yeah, I only did 1 plus 4, so I did 5 and I can push her back so that I can run and get my weapons.
Griffin: Okay, you Phantom Fist punch the woman with the crossbow and she goes flying backwards and actually hits the front door to the house, which causes quite a ruckus. She sort of slumps down under the- right on the doormat. The “welcome” doormat into the house.
Travis: Okay. I run and grab my weapons.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: And then I use my second move action to charge right back at the door ‘cause I have a feeling there’s going to be a bunch of people coming out.
Griffin: Okay. Merle, you’re up next.
Clint: Okay, how far am I from the two guys that - the two drunks?
Griffin: They got right up on you. I think they’re probably like five feet away.
Clint: Okay. I am going to charge one of them with Horsey.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: I’m going to do that really cool… that, like, Little Bighorn move and hang off the side of the saddle, you know? [Justin laughs] And I’m gonna take the Arclight Spanner [previously referred to as the Adamant Spanner] and clobber one of the two purple guys.
Justin: So are you charging one and clobbering the other?
Clint: No, I think I’ll charge the one and clobber the one. The one on the right.
Griffin: Go ahead and make the attack roll.
Clint: Okay.
Griffin: It’s a d20.
Clint: [rolls dice, sighs] 4.
Griffin: Okay. I think you- I mean, you definitely miss.
Clint: Wait, don’t I add to it?
Griffin: Yeah, but there’s- you’re not gonna-
Clint: There’s no way.
Griffin: You ain’t clearing this AC, bud. You hang off the side of the horse with this wrench and bring it down and try to clobber them and try to polo them as you go, I guess?
Clint: Yeah.
Griffin: But I don’t think - I think you fail spectacularly, and I think- make a dexterity saving throw for me.
Clint: All right. [rolls dice] Se-[laughs] 7!
Griffin: You definitely-
Clint: I’m falling off the horse, right?
Griffin: Yeah, you definitely fell off the horse.
Clint: That’s what I thought.
Griffin: And the horse goes running off into town.
Justin: Did he fall off the horse or did he do that thing where he turned all the way around so he’s hanging upside-down off the horse?
Clint: Oh, and my head’s bouncing against the ground?
Griffin: That happens, and you hit your head on a tree trunk, and then you fall off the horse and the horse runs away. The ruffians are up next. The crossbow one is gonna just stand up and start banging on the door, saying,
- Woman: We got trouble! We got trouble! Roswell found out! We got trouble, get out here!
Griffin: And the two ruffians are going to- I think they’re both gonna wail on Merle, who is sort of laying at their feet right now. And I think because you’re prone they have advantage on the attack.
Clint: Sure.
Griffin: So this is gonna be not great.
Justin: Nobody’s trying to get their friend out of the bubble? Seems like that’s what I would do, I’d try to get my buddy out of the bubble.
Clint: Nah, let them whale on me.
Griffin: Yeah, they’re not really near the bubble buddy.
Justin: Yeah, but I’d try to get over there. They’re not gonna get closer, you know? Seems like somebody…
Griffin: The first one, the best roll they got was a 14, which I don’t think is gonna beat your AC.
Clint: No.
Griffin: [rolls dice] The second one crits.
Clint: Oof!
Justin: Ouch.
Griffin: [rolls dice] Wait, that’s the wrong dice. [rolls dice] Oh, man. Uh, 29 damage.
Clint: Jiminy Christmas!
Justin: [crosstalk] Holy shit.
Griffin: They have a big ol’ hammer, and they just bring it right down on your tummy and you cough up some stuff and it’s gross. Back to the top of the order- actually, before anything else happens, the door, Magnus, that you have positioned yourselves in front of, the door opens up. You have your weapons, right?
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: Yeah. The door opens up, and the only thing you see is a guy, and he’s dressed in fairly humble farmer’s clothing. He’s got a big bushy brown beard. He looks kind of soft, for lack of a better term, although he’s a bigger dude. Kind of an imposing frame. And he yells, with a booming voice,
- Bearded man: Everybody, calm down. Put your weapons down. There’s no need for us to fight over this.
- Magnus: Redmond?
Griffin: And the people - these farmers and the drunk people from behind you, they all drop their weapon. Bubble boy also drops his staff, and it’s just kind of floating around in the bubble with him. And as you say his name, Redmond, he says,
- Redmond: Oh. I see my reputation precedes me.
Griffin: And he kind of laughs.
- Magnus: Your brother Luca sent us.
- Redmond: You… you met Luca?
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Merle: Sorta.
- Taako: Sort of. It’s…
- Merle: He’s lost a lot of weight.
- Magnus: We met most of him, yeah.
- Redmond: The skeleton, yes.
- Magnus: Yeah. Oh, okay.
- Redmond: Yeah, I know all about it.
- Magnus: Wasn’t sure if you guys had kept in touch re: skeletoning.
- Redmond: You might as well come inside, my little wood nymphs,
Griffin: -he yells to the woods, towards everybody in the woods. Woods party. The two drunk guys kind of sulk in.
- Drunk guys: Such a-[mumbles] this is a- big mistake. These guys are gonna ruin everything.
Griffin: And they sort of slump inside.
Justin: I kick the bubble as I’m going in.
Griffin: Yeah, the bubble guy is trying to hamster-wheel his way inside. [laughter] And everybody retreats inside and Redmond motions you in and he’s like,
- Redmond: May as well come inside. I’ve got a stew going.
- Magnus: Ooh!
Justin: The bubble moved half of his movement range, by the way, when I kicked it, so. In case you’re curious how far it went. It looked awesome. Kicked it like fifteen feet.
Griffin: Okay. He says,
- Redmond: Would you mind unbubbling my friend there? He’s actually-
- Taako: Just wait. It’s not a good spell.
- Redmond: He’s kind of claustrophobic and I can’t imagine-
- Taako: Oh, wait. Five, four, three, two… one.
Griffin: [Clint makes a bubble-popping sound effect] Oh, yeah, the bubble pops, and he falls to the ground. He hits his butt. [second pop]
Justin: [Clint laughs] Dad did a great bubble sound effect, can we just get isolate that?
Griffin: Yeah, just isola- give it to me one more time? [crosstalk]
Clint: One more time, all right. [makes bubble noise]
Travis: That was good, that was great. We’ll plug that in there and a couple other places.
Griffin: Okay, let’s move on. You’ve made your way inside and this is a fairly humble little home, but it’s very cozy. You see pictures of Redmond with his arm around a slightly smaller, almost identical person who is actually clean-shaven, but you can tell this is Redmond’s brother. This is what Luca looked like in life. They’re both wearing robes with the sigil of Istus. There’s some of the - there’s a banner of Istus hanging up on the wall but there’s not a lot of it. There’s not a lot of stuff. There’s an office with a bunch of plots laid out, designs for how the orchard would be laid out.
Griffin: But you are all in the kitchen now, which has one interesting feature, and that is that a corner of it is just gone. It’s just bubble. You can reach over to the side of the kitchen and touch the bubble, which Redmond actually recommends that you don’t. And Redmond has served you all up, and the four ruffians in his party, some stew. And Redmond says,
- Redmond: Okay. Now it’s time to tell the truth, boys. What are you doing here?
- Taako: I forgot.
[Clint snickering]
- Magnus: Yeah. So let me see. I think we need Istus’s help according to Paloma, you know, that witch lady?
- Redmond: Oh, I love Paloma. Have you tried her scones yet?
- Magnus: I’ve heard they’re great. I have not had them, Taako’s had them.
- Taako: They were off the chain.
- Magnus: Yeah. And so we went to the temple only to find it demolished.
- Redmond: Yeah, that happened.
- Magnus: Yeah, you probably know. And then we found your skeleton bro in a cave, [Taako: Cool dude.] and he said he could probably get us Istus’s help, but he needed your help to do that.
- Redmond: I mean [sighs] the two of us could maybe raise the temple, if Istus wants that. It’s kind of a long shot, it would only be raised if she deems it so. She’s not really one to interfere in our machinations, but I could certainly help out.
- Magnus: I’m pretty sure she’d be on board because I think time and fate has kind of been fucked with.
- Redmond: Oh, it’s all goofed up, yeah.
- Magnus: Yeah, it’s real messed up.
- Redmond: The problem is-
- Taako: If it helps we have a member of our party who’s very strong in faith, and he may be able to help with this endeavor. He’s a very faithful man, very powerful with gods and what have you.
- Magnus: Literally has a hand of god.
- Merle: [not in character voice] I’m willing to convert to Is-
Justin: Nope. No wait, up-bp-bp. You don’t sound like that.
Clint: Oh.
- Merle: [in character voice] And I am willing to convert to Ismusism.
Justin: I got fucking swept away for a second there. Just from that, I did.
Griffin: I felt it too. Wow, you’re so quick to abandon - I think actually when you say that, Merle-
Justin: [crosstalk] You’re deeply religious, but he’ll flip on a dime-
Griffin: He’ll drop his god. When you say that, Merle, your pinky falls off of the wood hand, and it lands in your stew. Ploop! It just withered up and died.
- Merle: Or I could stay with Pan.
Griffin: [Justin laughs] It grows back. It grows back, but it’s a little bit smaller than it just was.
Clint: I bet it makes the stew taste like shit.
Griffin: He says, Redmond says,
- Redmond: I’m willing to help, but you all have come here at arguably the most inopportune time. There is something in motion that I’m going to need help with.
- Magnus: Yep, that sounds about right.
- Taako: Yeah.
- Redmond: Me and my party here have one interest, and that is to burst the bubble and escape from town. They started calling us the Liberation Brigade, which I think is kind of goofy.
Griffin: And everybody else at the table is like, “Aww.” And he’s like,
- Redmond: I mean, I get it, you want to have some intrigue and stuff.
- Magnus: Branding.
- Redmond: Yeah, some branding. I just want to get out of here. And I have this- this is going to sound silly. I follow the whims of fate, that is sort of my creed. It always has been. And I know, my gut is telling me that the way out of town is in the vault. In the bank of Refuge.
- Magnus: Got it.
- Redmond: And I’m going to retrieve it with or without you, but the fact that Lady Istus brought you here to me today tells me I’m on the right path and you all can help me get in that vault. So you help me get in that vault, and me and Luca will try to raise the temple up for you. I swear it.
- Magnus: Let’s reverse that, and I think we’ve got a plan.
- Redmond: I have- listen. Unfortunately, things are, hm. The plan’s already kind of underway. We actually need to get going basically right now.
- Magnus: I’m gonna shoot straight with you here, Redmond. We’re in a bit of a loop, about an hour, and midway through- we’ve done this a couple times- you robbing that there old bank, everything is gonna go to shit.
- Redmond: What are you talking about?
- Magnus: Well, there’s a thing under the town and it’s gonna rip everything a new one, if you know what I mean.
Griffin: Yeah. Make a- I want you to make a roll for this. Make a… what’s it called where you try to convince somebody?
Travis and Clint: Persuasion.
Griffin: Yeah, make a persuasion roll, I think that’s the only way to do this.
Travis: [rolls dice] That is a… Well, that’s a 12 plus a 1. That’s not gonna do it, that’s a 13.
Griffin: No, I don’t think that line of reasoning is gonna get in there. He says,
- Redmond: I don’t… I appreciate what you’re saying but we- what you’re telling me goes against what my faith is telling me, so I hope you understand that we gotta go ahead with this.
[“What’s The Plan (Roswell Reprise)” begins playing in the background]
- Merle: I hear that.
- Magnus: We’re one of the ones who were sent here by your god or whatever.
- Redmond: I appreciate all the help. So you help me rob this bank, it’ll take five minutes. I know you’re in a hurry. It’s a foolproof plan, it’s gonna go great. What do you say?
- Taako: Hell yeah!
- Merle: It’s a caper!
- Magnus: Yeah, fuck it. What’s the plan?
[background music continues]
{34:16}
[commercial break]
[background music returns]
{41:40}
Griffin: He tells you, he’s like,
- Redmond: I’ll explain on the way, but we do need to get going.
Griffin: -and leads you out of the house, and you start to go back through the woods towards the town. He says,
- Redmond: The plan is really simple. We’re going to blow the vault. First we’re going to get everybody out of the bank, shouldn’t be that many folks there.
- Magnus: No, we’re good.
- Taako: I’m not sure you do that.[laughter]
- Redmond: We’re going to get everybody out of the vault, we’re going to get everybody out of the bank. We’re going to place-
Griffin: He has a small lockbox on him, and he pops these two latches in it and opens it up, and encased inside in a little styrofoam divot, is - it looks like a single cluster of the cluster bombs that you saw earlier, only it’s pitch black and it’s buzzing. And half of it is actually transparent glass, and you can see inside, and some kind of combustion has already started inside of this bomb. It’s about the size of a tennis ball. He says,
- Redmond: We’re going to use this, and it’s going to blow the shit out of the vault door. We’re gonna get inside, and hopefully find whatever we need to pop the bubble. What do you guys say?
Travis: Ditto, remind me. The couple times that we’ve been in the bank after they’ve tried this, the vault door was not open, correct?
Griffin: The vault door was closed, it was unscathed.
Travis: Okay.
- Magnus: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work. I think you’re underestimating that there vault.
- Redmond: Mm, well– I mean, it’s a pretty good bomb, and I feel very good. Listen, there’s a lot of things about this plan that are a bit hinky. The bomb ain’t one of them. Look at that thing.
- Magnus: Well, I mean, you say that, but…
- Taako: Okay, listen, can I tell you something right now?
- Redmond: Yeah.
- Taako: You saw the bubble I made earlier?
- Redmond: Uh-huh.
- Taako: I’m pretty cool. You understand that, right?
- Redmond: Yeah.
- Taako: What if I told you you could get into the vault without the use of any explosives whatsoever? Walk in, walk out.
- Redmond: Um… okay. I- that does sound enticing.
Griffin: Make a persuasion roll.
Justin: [rolls dice] 14 plus… okay, 14.
Griffin: That’s- no, that’s still not good enough.
Travis: Is there any way to assist?
- Magnus: Yeah, what he’s saying is true, I’ve seen him do it.
Griffin: I don’t think you could, because you’ve already failed almost this exact same persuasion roll, but Merle, if you wanted to try to hype him up, I would give-
Clint: A try?
Griffin: Yeah. If you want to attest for his magical prowess.
Clint: Yeah. [rolls dice] 14 plus 5 persuasion.
- Merle: Hey, listen. He knows what he’s talking about, he’s pre-med. I’d listen to him if I were you.
- Redmond: I’m intrigued by you, and Lady Istus obviously wants you to be involved with this caper for some reason.
Griffin: And he closes the lockbox and snaps the latches.
Justin: What’s he drinking? What’s my boy drinking.
Griffin: He’s not drinking anything, what are you talking about?
Justin: I thought we had all sat down to…
Griffin: No, you’re on your way to… you left the house, you’re on your way to the bank now.
Justin: Okay. I’ll pour him a glass of water from my waterskin.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: He says-
- Taako: Well, see, you want proof that I know what I’m doing? Check this out!
Griffin: He says,
- Redmond: Yes, this is not the most opportune- I’m like, walking and you just handed me a glass of water, but sure.
- Merle: But it’s so hot and thirsty.
- Taako: It’s hot, huh? You want a chill one?
Justin: And I point my ring of frost at it, and it has the ability to make beverages frosty. And say
- Taako: [laughter] give that a whirl!
Griffin: He sips it and he goes,
- Redmond: That’s a very cool beverage!
Travis: You are the kwisatz haderach. The chosen one.
- Redmond: Listen, I’ll make this plan B.
- Taako: My alar is like so strong, you have no idea. I can make anything cold. It’s not even a thing.
- Magnus: Ramston steel, baby.
Griffin: He taps the box and he says,
- Redmond: I’ll make this plan B– for Bomb. It’s - that’s how I file things away. But you get in there. Time is gonna be sort of of the essence in this heist.
- Taako: Sure. My way’s quicker.
- Redmond: So-
- Taako: And safer.
- Redmond: You- I’ll give you guys two minutes, and we’ll hang out towards the outskirts. We’ll hide and you go in. We’ll give you 120 seconds to get in there, do your thing, do your magic thing, and then if you guys get in trouble and it doesn’t work out we’ll come in and you help us crowd control and we’ll do it our way. Does that sound fair?
- Taako: What do you get out of the vault, is it just money?
- Redmond: I don’t know what’s in there, I just know what it is is gonna help us pop the bubble. I know it.
- Magnus: Cool.
- Taako: Okay.
- Merle: Let’s do it!
- Taako: Let’s do it.
Griffin: I want to make it clear, that’s not a shitty MacGuffin, I think him and his brother’s faith in fate is like, they’ve been following their guts their whole life so their intuition is their religion.
Travis: I’m sold on it, baby, you don’t gotta sell me.
Griffin: Okay, so you come to - all of you are by the elder’s manor and you’re creeping behind the fence that is surrounding it. They send the three of you out first, and as you start to approach the bank you see Roswell standing in front of it, because that’s where you told Roswell to fucking be.
Travis: I know.
Griffin: Roswell’s standing there, and they are patrolling the bank, and they say,
- Roswell: How’s everything going? Have you figured out how to stop the disaster?
- Magnus: Yeah, I- we need to get everyone out of the bank. I have a cunning plan. I can’t share it with you now, because I don’t know who we can trust on your team, but we need to get everybody out of the bank.
- Roswell: I don’t have a team, it’s just me, what are you talking about? I’m not gonna empty the bank out.
- Taako: There’s a mole.
[Griffin laughs]
- Roswell: A literal-
- Merle: Great, big, giant mole.
- Taako: There’s a mole. Like he said, it’s a mole.
- Roswell: I’m not gonna make the bank empty out. I don’t - I still don’t know you guys from Adam, I just trust that you have some sort of otherworldly knowledge. You might use that knowledge to rob this fucking bank, I’m not gonna– I’m not gonna empty it out!
- Taako: Hey, can I ask you a question? Are you Anderson Cooper?
- Roswell: I don’t even know who that is.
- Taako: Are you Ahmad Rashad?
- Roswell: I have no idea who that is either.
- Taako: Then you do not know the identity of the mole. What I’m telling you is there is a mole, okay? And we don’t know who we can trust.
- Magnus: But we know we can trust you. You’re on board with whatever we need, am I right?
- Roswell: No, abso- crabsolutely not.
- Magnus: What if I let you hold on to my fish as collateral?
Griffin: I don’t think Roswell’s gonna empty the bank out for you cause that would be crazy. It would also make this heist not very exciting.
Clint: Well, we’ve got 120 seconds.
Travis: We’re just gonna put our heads-
Justin: Are we on the timer right now?
Griffin: No, not yet. They probably wouldn’t start until you go inside. Are you just gonna let Roswell kick it there while you rob the bank, or-
Travis: We’re not gonna attack Roswell, Dad. Maybe you don’t remember but he was like Skull-level to us.
Griffin: Yeah, Roswell will fuck you up.
Justin: Yeah, he cons really high to us.
Travis: Okay, go get Lucas. Is that the name? No.
Griffin: Lucas, no. Wrong arc, bud.
Travis: Who’s the- what’s the name of the elder?
Justin: It’s Marc Blucas.
Griffin: Sheriff Isaak.
- Magnus: Go find Sheriff Isaak. We’ll post up here. When you guys get back we’ll tell you everything you need to know.
- Roswell: I haven’t seen him today but I’ll go wait in the office for him.
- Magnus: Great. We’ll instigate our plan, we’ll start at 12:05.
Griffin: Okay. Roswell clambers off to the sheriff’s office and now the bank is unprotected by Roswell.
- Magnus: You boys ready to do this?
Clint: Can I be George Clooney in this?
Travis: Always.
Clint: Okay. Whew. I thought you were gonna make me Casey Affleck. Whew.
Griffin: You going inside?
Travis: Yep. I kick open the door.
Griffin: Fuck.
Clint: [laughing] That’s unobtrusive.
Justin: Unnecessary.
Griffin: You kick the door open and one of the guards goes,
- Guard: Hey! That’s a nice door! Come on!
- Magnus: Fuck your door!
- Guard: Okay. It’s kinda rude.
Griffin: This is your first - are you all going inside? Like what’s your- Are you formulating any kind of plan before you do this or are you gonna just fucking improvise?
Travis: That doesn’t really go along with the whole character I’ve built.
Griffin: Yeah, that’s fair. Okay. Well, this is your first time all being inside this bank un-exploded, and you notice a few things. First of all, it’s the nicest building you’ve been to in Refuge. It’s very well-kept, very nice interior. There’s a couple of potted plants in front of a long wooden desk with a glass partition protecting Brogden, who you see behind it counting out some diamonds and putting them in a till. There is that heavy metal vault door right behind them, and that vault door looks as imposing as it ever has, ‘cause it’s never really been affected.
It’s nine feet in diameter, all unrelenting black iron. You can see that there’s a huge combination lock dial towards the center of the vault door, and that it’s flanked on three of its sides with what looks like small metal hatches. That is the makeup of the vault door. There’s a glass dome on the ceiling that doesn’t appear to be a light fixture, it’s just kind of hanging into the room. It’s about two feet in diameter.
And there are two large heavily-armored guards flanking the desks. Each of them are wearing polearms and their whole loadout is basically identical to Roswell’s. It’s the same armor, it’s the same equipment, and it’s probably what Roswell was outfitted with. And… yeah. You see Brogden behind the desk wearing- she’s wearing a pair of small glasses. She’s going over some spreadsheets and she says,
- Brogden: Can I help you? Please, don’t kick any more pieces of furniture, okay?
Travis: I point at one guard and look at the other one and I say,
- Magnus: By the order of Sheriff Isaak, guard, arrest that man!
Griffin: Oh, boy. Okay. Are you pointing at the one - are you accusing the one that complained when you kicked the door in?
Travis: Yes.
Griffin: Okay. He says,
- Guard: What did I do?
- Magnus: He’s been working with the bandits to try to tear this town apart from the inside out.
Griffin: The other guard looks at the one you’re accusing and he says,
- Guard 2: Jerry, have you been… you’ve been working with the bandits?
Griffin: And Jerry says,
- Jerry: No, man! I didn’t- I don’t even know any of the bandits, what’re you talking about?
Travis: I whisper,
- Magnus: Taako. Get moving.
Justin: What’s their visibility on me currently?
Griffin: I mean, you all said you walked in, so.
Justin: Yep. I did walk in.
Griffin: Good. It is good. It’s good visibility.
Justin: Okay, okay.
Griffin: They got four eyes full of Taako.
Justin: Okay. I put my hands on my head and I say,
- Taako: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is terrible of me, I’m sorry. I surrender.
Justin: And I lay down on the ground while they continue talking.
Griffin: [laughing] What the fuck is going on with this robbery?
- Magnus: This man is an informant with the bandits. He’s told us everything, Jerry. You’re going to have to come with me.
Justin: There’s enough shit in the bank that- I’m imagining there’s stuff between us and them that they lose visibility on me if I lay down on the ground.
Griffin: I don’t unders- like they- okay.
Justin: Isn’t there- you said there’s desks and stuff, right?
Griffin: Um, yeah. If you’re hiding behind something that’s fine, but if you’re just laying down on the ground you don’t turn invisible.
Justin: Well, I don’t turn invisible yet, my dude. They stop seeing me-
Griffin: There’s one of those desks that you can fill out a deposit form on. If you want you can hide behind that.
Justin: Yes.
- Taako: I’m behind the desk, you can just arrest me whenever you want. Sorry.
Griffin: Okay. What- Merle, are you doing anything to help in this charade?
Clint: Yes, sir, I- yes, I am. I have a spell called Command. I speak a one-word command to a creature I can see within range.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Target has to succeed on a wisdom saving throw, and I wanna cast this on the guard that’s not Jerry.
Griffin: [rolls dice] You know, I’m looking at this spell now. You know there’s only like six things you can make them do.
Clint: What are the six things?
Griffin: You can make them approach you, you can make them drop whatever they’re holding, you can make them flee, you can make them grovel, you can make them halt, and then there’s-
Clint: Got it. Got it.
Griffin: Yeah, they did not save.
Clint: Flee.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: You gotta give it to him in character voice.
Clint: Okay.
- Merle: Flee!
Griffin: This is important. Which one are you using it on?
Travis: [muffled] Use it on Jerry.
Clint: Nah, I said the one that wasn’t Jerry.
Griffin: Okay. Then the one that Magnus was trying to get to arrest the other one-
Clint: No, no, wait!
Griffin: Suddenly just fucking runs at- no, we gotta go with this because it’s too good. It’s too good that the plan has been this bad so far. The one that was going to arrest the other one or you were trying to get to arrest the other one just runs out of the room.
- Magnus: Oh, wait, you were Jerry? Sorry. I meant him.
- Jerry: Wait, you’re saying-
Justin: Okay, I- as soon as he takes off I pop a piece of Mockingbird Gum and make my voice sound like Roswell’s.
Griffin: Okay.
- Taako: [as Roswell] Jerry, he’s the real criminal, Jerry! Go after him! You gotta get him! Quick! I’ll be right in!
Griffin: I wanna paint a picture. Brogden, at this point, stands up from the seat she was sitting on at the desk, and she’s looking very, very nervous right now as Jerry says,
- Jerry: I trusted you, Greg!
Griffin: And he fucking bolts out of the building after the person that you just commanded to run away. As that happens, they- fuck, yes, okay. As that happens, as they run out of the room, they brush past two people who have walked into the bank.
These two people - one of them is a dark-haired man, and he’s carrying the drawer from a cash register that is just heaped with diamonds. And you haven’t seen this guy before, just because you haven’t gone to the place where they are, but the last time you saw them was dead on the floor of this bank. And another person comes in, also carrying a register drawer full of diamonds. That’s Ren. And-
Clint: Oh.
Griffin: As you see Ren walk into the bank you piece together that every time you’ve been in here there’s been a dead dark elf woman on the floor. [Travis gasps] And she comes in as the two guards are running away. And I think the dark-haired guy actually gets spooked as two guards come fleeing from the bank. He goes running out of the building. Ren doesn’t. Ren just drops her till full of diamonds, which kind of scatter everywhere, and she sees you, Taako, underneath the desk and yells,
- Ren: Oh, my god, Taako! What are you doing here?
Clint: Desk inspection!
- Taako: Ren, do you trust me?
- Ren: I… I trust that you’re an excellent chef. Holy shit!
Griffin: She’s come down to kneel and be like,
- Ren: Can I--can I have an autograph or something?
- Taako: Absolutely. Meet me outside right now.
Griffin: That dark-haired guy that went bolting out of the building, you hear him yelling for Roswell.
Justin: Right. Okay, hold on.
Clint: What time is it? What time is it?
Griffin: It’s 11:45.
Clint: Shit!
Travis: Listen, consequences don’t matter, we need to move.
- Taako: Hey, listen, Ren, I’m wicked sorry about this.
Justin: I cast Banishment on her.
Griffin: Holy shit. Okay. She rolls to save?
Justin: Yeah, charisma.
Travis: Charisma check?
Griffin: [rolls dice] Uh, that’s a 19.
Justin: Shit.
Griffin: She does--she is not banished, but she knows that you cast some sort of harmful spell, and she is--
Justin: No, it’s not a harmful spell, it’s not--no, no, no. Banishment is not a harmful spell.
Griffin: But she knows you tried to--I mean, if you knew somebody just cast a spell--
- Taako: I was trying to save you, shit’s about to break bad here--
Griffin: She scurries backwards on her hands and knees and--
Justin: That’s fine.
Griffin: Tears, she’s got tears in her eyes.
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: And she stands up and bolts from the bank. She looked really upset.
Justin: That fucking works too. Whatever. I’m sorry. Sorry, Ren. Well, then I just fucking walk over to the fucking vault, I guess.
Griffin: One other thing happened when you cast-- the second you cast that spell, from your position underneath the desk, you hear the sound of breaking glass, and the dome above you had shattered. And you hear a kathunk, and sticking out of the desk looks like a dart that is dripping with something. But because you were underneath the desk it didn’t hit you, it landed--it connected with the desk and the dart didn’t hit you.
But you can see, now that the glass dome around it has broken, there is what looks like a small turret hanging from the ceiling. And at this point I’m gonna pop it off. Brogden reaches down under her desk and you hear a click, and her desk starts to change.
Travis: I grab Taako.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: We gotta move.
Griffin: What are you doing? ‘Cause we could get into some shit, or you could try to stop this action. Let me describe it. And as she hits this button, a metal gate that is the width of the room starts to drop down from the ceiling. It is going to cover up basically her half of the room and separate all of you from her. Not a metal gate like a--like bars, like jail cell bars start to drop down from the ceiling. But I’ll give you time to make a reaction to this, but you’ve gotta do it.
Clint: Is the vault on the other side of those bars?
Griffin: Yeah, it’s on the other side.
Travis: They’re lowering down, yeah?
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Yeah, I’m Indiana Jones-ing under that shit.
Griffin: Okay. Taako, Merle, what are you--
Clint: Is this a roll?
Griffin: I mean, describe what you’re gonna do.
Clint: Scoot under the bars. We gotta get to the vault.
Griffin: Okay. Taako?
Justin: Is Brogden doing something?
Griffin: She’s just hit a button under her desk and, I mean, that is what she did and that is what started this gate lowering from the ceiling. The desk- there are panels on the front of the desk that have started to rotate, but you can’t really see what the desk is transforming into because we’re, like, in bullet time right now.
Justin: Okay. Yeah, I’ll get under the fence--or under the gate as well.
Griffin: Okay, all of you are gonna need to make some dexterity-ass saving throws.
Justin: Okay.
Travis: Okay. Like athletics?
Griffin: And these are going to be--I mean, if you can think of a skill, if you want to describe how you are using the skill. I think it could be dexterity, I think it could be athletics would probably fine. Acrobatics would probably be fine.
Travis: I’m going to throw Taako. It is more important for him to get there than me.
Griffin: Okay. Then I’m gonna - I’ll just give Taako advantage on whatever he tries to do as he fastball specials you, Taako.
Justin: Okay.
Clint: Do I have time to cast a spell?
Griffin: Yeah, if you also wanna assist in Taako getting through.
Clint: I am going to cast Enhance Ability on Taako. Cat’s Grace.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Which increases his dexterity.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I got a 21 strength check.
Griffin: Okay, you throw Taako.
Justin: By how much, Dad?
Clint: I don’t know.
Justin: It should say on there how much it increases it by.
Clint: [laughing] It says “see page 237.”
Justin: All right, what’s the name - I’ve got the player’s handbook up. What’s the name of your spell?
Clint: Enhance Ability.
Griffin: Oh, this is gonna be fucking great.
Justin: I have advantage on this--I have advantage on dexterity checks.
Travis: So you get double advantage.
Justin: Okay, alright. Cool.
Griffin: You have double advantage. You have super advantage. Why don’t you just roll your--are you doing acrobatics?
Justin: I am doing an acrobatics check, yes.
Griffin: Okay, here’s what you’re gonna try to do. I’ll describe how this would be resolved with an acrobatics check, with your permission. I think you--Magnus has just thrown you and I think you’re going to try and contort your body so that you go through the hole in the teller’s window that diamonds and stuff would be passed through. Because I think that would be the only opening that would make sense, and also would be amazing.
Justin: Okay. Great. [rolls dice] That’s an 18 plus 3, 21.
Griffin: Yeah, you make your body into basically a spear [Clint laughs in background] and you just go perfectly through that window, and in doing so I think you just knock Brogden right out. You go through the window thrown with a tremendous force and enhanced in the air by Merle, and then you make your way through just as the gate ka-chunks to the ground, sort of separating you from Magnus and Merle.
Justin: I land perfectly and throw my arms up in the air and shout,
- Taako: Taako gets the gold!
[Clint laughing]
Griffin: You yell “Taako gets the gold.” Merle, we need to resolve this, make a dexterity saving throw.
Clint: [rolls dice] 17.
Griffin: Okay. You dodge, just barely, out of the way as you cast that enhancement spell on Taako, and a dart plugs into the ground at your feet, fired from that turret above.
Clint: Chunk.
Griffin: Yep.
Travis: I’m, just for future reference, I’m gonna hold my shield over my head and as much over Merle’s head as I can.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Because you care.
Travis: I don’t got what the kids call “the magics.”
Griffin: And Taako, before I think you start your assault on this vault door, you all hear ka-chunk, ka-chunk, kachunk kachunk kachunk. And barreling through the door to the bank, poleaxe--halberd in hand, Roswell appears. And says,
- Roswell: In the back of my mind I always knew it. I knew it. I knew you guys were up to no good.
- Magnus: I know how this looks.
Griffin: No, it’s initiative time.
Travis: Cool. [rolls dice] Okay, well that’s not bad. I got a 19.
Clint: I got a 5. But wait. [rolls dice] And an 18.
Justin: 17 for me.
Griffin: 19 for Magnus. What was yours, Dad?
Clint: 18.
Griffin: 17 for Taako.
Justin: Yeah.
Griffin: Merle, what’s your dex again?
Clint: My dexterity, it’s a zero dexterity modifier.
Griffin: All right, Roswell got the same thing. Magnus, you are up first. You have that turret above you. Oh, and by the way- no, I think the desk would stop its transformation. That Brogden fight could’ve gone very bad, but I think you nullified it. So you have that turret above you. She was--yeah. She--I don’t wanna tell you what was gonna happen, but you got the turret above you, you’ve got Roswell in front of you, and Roswell’s ready to just fuck you up. And Taako is through the gate and you have Merle at your side. Merle, by the way, you’re still damaged from the fight earlier.
Clint: Wait a minute, I ate magic stew!
Griffin: Yeah, that--I don’t think that was magic stew. What’re you doing, Magnus?
Travis: Magic Stu is my favorite character we’ve created so far.
Griffin: Yeah, definitely.
Travis: Love that guy.
Justin: Hey, it’s me!
Clint: It’s like Magic Brian.
Justin: [in a deep, thick voice] Anybody wanna see some prestidigitation? It’s me, Magic Stu.
Griffin: By the way, it’s been longer than two minutes now, and I think seeing Roswell run into the place, the other robbers are kind of hanging back to see if you can take care of them first.
Travis: Okay, I’m gonna charge at Roswell. This is what we’re doing, this is what we’re doing.
Griffin: Okay. Go ahead and make them rolls.
Travis: Two-handed - well, one-handed because I’m holding my shield up. One-handed Railsplitter. [rolls dice] Okay. 16 plus 9, 25?
Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Travis: Cool. And I’m gonna use Disarming Strike and then that’s d8.
Griffin: I get to roll to save that right?
Travis: I think so, yeah.
Griffin: Side note, I’ve been fucking around with Roll20 lately, I don’t know if you guys know anything about it but it is an online app that you can do all of your rolls in, save all of your character data in, visualize things with maps and tokens and get descriptions on every spell in this game and every other roleplaying game basically ever. It’s very fucking cool and I think we should give it some serious thought using it. It’s super lightweight and free. I’ve been messing around with it, it’s pretty good.
Travis: So it says that you have to make a strength saving throw but doesn’t say what you have to hit. How do we figure that out?
Griffin: What’s your strength modifier?
Travis: My strength modifier is…
Griffin: It’s whatever--it’s eight plus the relevant stat.
Travis: Cool. [rolls dice] Yeah, so.
Griffin: Yeah, I save.
Travis: Shit. Is his strength, like, real good?
Griffin: [Goofy voice, elongated] Yup.
Travis: Yeah, thought that might be the case. Okay.
Griffin: You attack him again?
Travis: Well, I’m gonna do damage first. That’s 7 plus 2, 9.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I’m gonna attack again.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [rolls dice] It’s 17 plus 9.
Griffin: Yes.
Travis: 26?
Griffin: Yes.
Travis: And I’m gonna hit him with Goading Strike.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [rolls dice] Superiority dice. 5 plus damage.
Griffin: They have to attack you now, right?
Travis: Oh yeah, they have to attack me, yeah, yeah. And then plus seven, plus five… so 12, 17 damage, and 17 is what he has to beat for a wisdom saving throw to avoid it.
Griffin: [rolls dice] No, they do not save.
Travis: Cool.
Griffin: You done?
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: Okay, Roswell’s gonna take two swings at you.
Travis: Yep.
Griffin: [rolls dice] The lowest one is a 20.
Travis: I mean, yes.
Griffin: Okay. [rolls dice several times]
Travis: Oh god, that’s a lot of damage.
Griffin: 56 damage, altogether.
Travis: Okay, I’m gonna use the… I’m gonna use Parry.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: [in a comical voice] Hey, it’s me Perry. I see you’re getting killed, how can I help? [Griffin laughs]
Travis: You know what, actually?
Griffin: Huh?
Travis: I should’ve used my Cunning Action, is it too late to do that?
Griffin: Yeah.
Clint: Sounds like it.
Justin: [laughing] The definition of cunning is you forget to do it.
Clint: I have a cunning plan! Well, I had one.
Travis: So it’s reduced by 9.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: 47.
Griffin: 47 damage.
Travis: I am instantly bloodied.
Griffin: Yeah. Next in the order is Merle.
Clint: Okay. I’m gonna cast--I’m gonna Mass Cure Wounds on Magnus.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: On Magnus.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: And that’s a 3d8 plus my spellcasting ability.
Griffin: It says “mass,” is that area of effect?
Clint: It can be up to six creatures, so how about myself and Magnus? ‘Cause Taako is not hurt at all, right?
Justin: Nah, I’m good.
Clint: So it’s 3d8, and my spellcasting ability modifier, which I don’t know what that is.
Travis: 8.
Griffin: It’s 8.
Clint: Okay. So 3d8’s plus 8?
Griffin: Uh-huh.
Clint: [rolls dice] So that’s 3… 8… 3… so that’s…
Travis: 14.
Clint: 14 plus 8.
Griffin: 8.
Clint: So that’s--we’re both healed for 22, correct?
Griffin: Yes.
Travis: Yes.
Clint: That was good.
Griffin: Yeah!
Travis: Dad might keep me from dying on the next run.
Griffin: Yeah, some of Magnus’s--when Roswell just cut you, slashed an X across your chest and you had, like, you could see pools of blood starting to come out of Magnus, and Magnus’s wounds close up somewhat. Next in the order is Taako.
Clint: Is that the first time I’ve ever healed anybody?
Griffin: No, but it’s been a while. Taako, what are you doing?
Justin: I wanna use the hole-thrower on the vault.
[Clint gasps]
Griffin: Okay. Yeah, go for it.
Justin: [rolls dice] It is a 6-foot hole, so I fucking assume that’s through the door, right?
Griffin: The metal is five feet deep, so just barely, you got through that. I had the hole-thrower in mind and I kind of wanted to make it a 50-50, so yeah. You create a six-foot hole. Six foot wide, six foot deep. And you--it just sort of opens up before you, and you can see into the vault.
Justin: Here’s my question, when I look into the vault--
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Are there any gems in there?
Griffin: There’s so many fucking gems. Here’s the--this will be the temptation of Taako, because there are quite a few gems on the ground. There’s big boxes, big wooden boxes with a sign that say “to be filed,” and the boxes are full of diamonds. It’s, like, shimmering, bright, beautiful, bright in here. There’s also--the only sort of thing of interest in the room, other than these beautiful expensive-ass looking diamonds, you see a pedestal almost perfectly in the center of the room.
And I think just for dramatic effect there’s a single overhead light shining down on it. And this journal says “Isaak” on the side of it. That is what you see in the vault. You haven’t moved yet, so you can still move.
Justin: I run into the vault and grab--I think I can scoop something up as part of my move, right? Not an action.
Griffin: I think now that we’re this deep into the podcast you can.
Justin: Okay. I scoop up a handful of the most expensive-looking gems I can find.
Griffin: Fucking fantastic. Wonderful. You scoop up some wonderful, beautiful diamonds. Merle and Magnus, I think you can see what’s going on in this room at this point.
- Magnus: [Yelling, as if from a distance] Taako! What the fuck!
- Taako: Hey, listen, guys, trust me for once.
- Magnus: Okay! Anything we can do to help?
- Taako: Stay alive and stay out of my way.
- Magnus: We’ll fucking see, okay.
- Merle: We can get the second one easy.
- Magnus: Tall order.
Griffin: All right, Magnus, you’re up.
Travis: All right, um, I’m going to disarm--attack--attempt Disarming Strike again on him.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: [rolls dice] Uh, 14 plus 9, 23?
Griffin: Yeah, that’s a hit. Strength check, I have to beat a 16.
Travis: Yeah.
Griffin: [rolls dice] No, I don’t--I do not beat it.
Travis: Fuck yes. Okay.
Griffin: Roswell’s halberd goes spinning out of their hands, and I think actually back out through the door outside. And you hear it stick into the ground out there. You doing something else, you doing another attack?
Actually, you know what, because this is an attack on your enemy’s hands, that’s what the description actually literally says, when you do that, you don’t just get rid of the halberd, you knock off their gauntlet that was sort of giving form. And now you can just see the living red clay that was inside that gauntlet forming kind of a round end to Roswell’s arm.
Travis: Got it. Got it.
Griffin: You doing something else?
Travis: Yes. Is there any fire anywhere nearby?
Griffin: Yeah, sure, there’s two torches hanging by the wall.
Travis: Okay. I’m gonna dash.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: I’m gonna grab that torch and move back.
Griffin: You’re deffo gonna take an opportunity attack.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: Okay. [rolls dice]
- Taako: I said one thing, to stay alive! Literally one request! Don’t die!
Griffin: That’s gonna hit.
Travis: What is it?
Griffin: 21.
Travis: Yeah, that hits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Griffin: Okay. Roswell, just using that clay arm, just punches you in the ribs as you go past, but it’s--I mean, it’s still a very powerful strike, and it hits you for eleven damage.
Travis: Okay. I can take that.
Griffin: Okay. And you grab this torch and what’re you doing?
Travis: And I’m gonna move back, and I’m gonna attack his hand with the torch.
Griffin: Okay, yeah. You--I don’t even think you need to roll for this. You just jab this torch into the clay hand and, I mean, it’s not--this isn’t--Roswell’s not made out of gasoline, they’re made out of clay, but you do see--you do sort of see that arm kind of stop animating so much, and you hear Roswell scream. And that arm--
- Magnus: I’m really, really sorry. I’m really, really sorry.
Griffin: And that arm kind of becomes hard. Yeah, you guys are getting deep in the paint with some beloved characters right now.
Travis: And I’m gonna action surge.
Griffin: Uh-oh.
Travis: And I’m gonna chop that arm.
Griffin: Oh, Jesus, you love this shit! You’re a fucking pervert! Fetish! You’re exposing everybody to your fetishes!
Travis: [pained] So sorry. 16 plus 9, it’s a 25.
Griffin: Yeah, I don’t, yeah--it just shatters. That arm shatters.
- Magnus: I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry!
Griffin: Yeah, go and roll damage.
Travis: [rolls dice] Okay, so that’s a 7 plus--well, I didn’t hit him with a disarming strike, I didn’t do damage with that.
Griffin: Right.
Travis: So that’s sixteen points of damage for that. And then I rolled a 7 plus 5 so it’s 28 points of damage altogether.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Do I roll damage for the torch attack or is that just the arm?
Griffin: That’s just the arm, I think. Okay. Roswell is up next and they’re just holding where their arm was.
Travis: Is my action surge just an extra action or an extra turn? I can’t run away or anything, can I?
Griffin: No, you took--no.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: Roswell is going to--they just kind of point their remainder of their shoulder of the arm that you just removed and a fount of red clay is going to basically try to encase you and hold you down. So that would be… [rolls dice] 21. Jesus, 21 city over here.
Travis: Is that the--is that against my AC?
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Yeah, I mean, that hits.
Griffin: Yeah. So Roswell just in retaliation kind of forces some--animates some of its red clay body. You actually see after this attack they kind of slump down a little bit in their armor, their armor doesn’t fit as well anymore because they used some of their body in this attack. But a big, heavy blob of red clay hits you, and you fall to the ground, and you’re basically kind of--you are incapacitated. But it does--I don’t think it would do any damage. Merle, you’re up next.
Clint: What time is it?
Griffin: You intuit that it’s about 11:49.
Clint: Okay, I’m… [sighs] I’m gonna cast a spell on Roswell.
Griffin: Okay.
- Magnus: Don’t cast a spell, the turret!
Griffin: No, no no no, you definitely can’t say that, you’re under clay.
Travis: Oh okay. I thought maybe I could breathe, no? It’s alright.
Griffin: No, that’s gonna be something we’re going to have to deal with. [Travis laughs] Go ahead, Merle.
Clint: Obviously, he has to be powered by magic, right?
Griffin: Yeah, they are powered by a very, very, very powerful magic that you don’t quite understand yet.
Clint: So if I were to cast Dispel Magic…
Griffin: Yeah, you could give it a try.
Clint: On Roswell?
Griffin: This’ll be cool. This is a great idea.
Travis: Go for it.
Griffin: I don’t think there’s any- you don’t have to roll or do anything. You just cast Dispel Magic, dispelling the spell that causes earth elementals to move around. Because I think both you and Taako are familiar with the concept of how elementals and familiars and stuff work, like animating inanimate objects to make them do your bidding, although you’ve certainly never met one with as much personality as Roswell.
Griffin: So when you cast this at Roswell, Roswell kind of contracts in their armor and shrinks back and recoils at the spell, and they stop moving for just a couple of seconds. And then it’s almost like the spell just… reactivates. And it’s not like any magic you’ve ever seen before. And again, this sounds like DM bullshit, but it’s--there’s something keeping Roswell alive, there’s something that makes Roswell Roswell, that your Dispel Magic spell, for some reason, doesn’t dispel.
Justin: Cause Roswell’s an elemental, right?
Griffin: Yeah. Taako, we’re--and trust me, I’m not going to let that go too unresolved, depending on what Taako does on this next turn.
Justin: Yeah, I got it, don’t worry. I slowly walk out of the vault. I grab the journal on the way out.
Griffin: Okay.
- Taako: So for what I’m gonna do, I had to get these really powerful gems. They have to be worth at least a thousand gold pieces in order for me to cast this.
Griffin: Oh, fuck.
- Taako: My name is Taako, and you work for me now.
Justin: And I cast Planar Binding. [Clint laughs]
Griffin: Okay. All right. What’s that do?
Justin: With this spell, you attempt to bind a celestial, an elemental, a fey, or a fiend to your service. The creature must be within range for the entire casting of the spell. At the completion of the casting the target must make a charisma saving throw. On a failed save, it is bound to serve you for the duration.
Griffin: Okay. Oh, God, this is gonna be s--
Justin: If the creature is summoned or created by another spell, that spell’s duration is extended to match the duration of this spell.
Griffin: Okay. Fuck, this is gonna be good, okay. Do I have to make a roll, do I roll to save?
Justin: Uh, charisma.
Clint: Charisma saving.
Griffin: Okay. [rolls dice] Uh, 12 is not gonna do it. Okay. Here’s how this is going to pan out, because this scene is about to change pretty dramatically, and also we need to start tying it up. Have you ever seen Akira? The movie?
Clint: Yes.
Griffin: The movie Akira?
Clint: Uh-huh.
Griffin: You know at the end where the boy turns into the big blob monster who’s being just--
Clint: Yes.
Griffin: As you cast this spell, Taako, you feel something wrong. You feel like you’re trying to command and control that magic that I just described to Merle, that you don’t quite understand. And it’s almost like a computer error, like two things are running simultaneously that should not be running simultaneously. And this conflict causes something to happen to the very spell that gives Roswell life that is horrifying, because the armor just goes flying off of Roswell, and you just see this straight-up Clayface shape.
And the clay just expands and shoots out of where their arms are and their legs are and their head is, and it’s just flooding this room. Like, it’s pouring out of the building and it’s just flooding this room with clay, and it’s starting to like-- Magnus, I think for you, it’s just all over you now, because you were already kind of laying down on the ground.
Travis: Yeah, it’d already broken pretty bad for me.
Griffin: Merle, it pushed you up against the wall. Taako, I think you’re--you are a little bit less affected by it, because you were a little bit further away. But it’s definitely- it’s creeping through the bars, and I think you feel something knock the book out of your hands, and the pages start to move it. And you feel sort of a divine force, almost like Istus’s hand is sort of guiding you, once again with the hand of fate to look at this journal that you have recovered, despite the fact that you’re standing in the fucking danger zone.
Justin: Okay, so I look at the journal.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: I do that.
Griffin: You open up Isaak’s journal at sort of the behest of fate, and it is open to the next-to-final entry in the journal. And this’ll be the last thing that we do here. The entry is Isaak, and--who you have not met yet, although you start to sort of understand what kind of a person Isaak is as you read this journal entry. Do you want me to read it, or do you want me to send it to you so you can read it?
Justin: Uh, it seems like it would be weird for me to read it out loud, I guess I prob--what?
Griffin: I can read, I’ll read it. Isaak’s next-to-last entry in Isaak’s journal reads: [clears throat]
[“The Diary of Sheriff Isaak” begins playing in the background] {82:29}
- Isaak: My daddy was a safety inspector for mines operating all throughout the northern counties of the Sword Coast, and, as you might imagine, that made for a very cautious upbringing for myself and my kin. Every bit of wisdom my old man passed on to me dealt with how to avoid the dangers of the world outside our cottage’s doors, how to evade bandits and ward off hungry beasts in the wilds and how to prevent accidental hazards in the home, stuff like that, but nothing prepared me for today... Nothing prepared me for that fucking cup.
Griffin: And I just want to paint the picture of you reading this as clay is climbing up your legs and waist. You continue reading.
- Isaak: From the moment I saw it, I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do to get that cup, I just didn’t know why. I trusted myself to resist that temptation, to put it back toward the back of my mind, to focus on the hard work of bringing this diamond mine back to life, and today I faltered--just for a moment--and I ruined three lives in the process.
- I killed Jack.
- That’s my first time thinking that thought, not protecting myself from the awful truth of what I’ve done. We were looking for June in the mines together--she’s one to get lost in the mines--and I could just tell he had it on him. That cup had a tight grip on my guts, I could feel it through a six foot-thick lead wall, and I did it as quickly as I could, as cowardly as I could, I pushed him, over the edge of Shaft B.
- And he fell. As he fell he turned to face me, and he shouted his last word. It was a spell, that he flung in my direction, and in that moment, just after dooming him, I prayed it was some kind of killing curse.
- But he missed. It flew over my head as he sank into the black below. And when I looked behind me, I saw my prize, the cup I had killed my very best friend for, in June’s hands.
- She grabbed it right where he dropped it. Only by perfect irony, she was frozen in place, right there, by a barrier that I just cannot penetrate, shielded by a power that I craved enough to kill for.
- There’s nothing I can do to get her out of that state, I tried it all. And there’s nothing I can do for Refuge, now that she’s trapped us all in here too.
- I deserve damnation for what I’ve done. Refuge doesn’t.
Griffin: That’s the next-to-last entry. And as the clay is almost completely overtaking you, you read the final entry, which says:
- Isaak: I figured out what that spell was. Jack’s last spell. He conjured an earth elemental, a guardian to protect June, protect all of Refuge in his absence. I met it, just on the outskirts of town.
- Refuge deserves a better guardian than myself, that’s for sure. So, I equipped them with some gear, gave them a name--Roswell, for my dad--and set them on patrol, using the summoning spell’s command word.
- And that word might be the hardest thing to stomach. It was Jack’s dying wish, his hopes for a safer life for his daughter and his home, manifest into a single word, his final word, his final thought.
Griffin: So you read this final word just as the clay is about to overtake your head.
- Taako: Junebug.
Griffin: And just as quickly as this monstrosity had exploded and enveloped everything in this room, the clay contracts and is pulled back in to Roswell’s base form. And you see them standing there, and Roswell says,
- Roswell: What would you like me to do?
[background music fades out]
[MaxFun end card; ad for Can I Pet Your Dog; ad for MaxFun in London; episode ends]