Balance – Episode 40: Lunar Interlude III: Rest & Relaxation/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…

Griffin: Killian gives you guys some gifts, too. Hand-carved, personalized whetstones. But they’re nice, they’re carved in the shape of… ducks.

Travis: Awww.

Killian: They’re my favorite!

Griffin: She says.

[Travis laughs]

Merle: You’re chopping off my damn arm! Seriously.
Merle: God... lied... to me…

[Griffin Laughs]

Magnus: God lied to you?

Griffin: Angus is off in a corner, he gives you guys a big thumbs up.

Justin: I give Angus a thumbs down.


Angus: Oh my god, sir! Have you become... have you been learning... wizardly magics?

Travis: I take his nose.

Angus: Oh my god!
Announcer: What kind of nasty things do our boys get into betwixt adventures? I’m almost afraid to find out in... The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson] {1:17}

[A Lunar Interlude plays for a few seconds]

Griffin: Um, so it’s- so it’s been a few weeks, since you successfully completed the Crystal Kingdom mission.

Travis: What- what have I done with my downtime, Griffin? Paint me a word picture.

Griffin: That's up to you, dawg! Maybe you're into puzzles?

Travis: Uh-

Griffin: Maybe you're into- maybe you did a bit of long-overdue self-grooming? Those sideburns, those sideburns, man, they need some-

Travis: Okay, I definitely brushed out the sideburns.

Griffin: Okay-

Travis: Maybe got a little sideburns perm.

Griffin: Two hundred thousand nits fall out.

Travis: I- I don't see Magnus doing puzzles, but I see Magnus wanting to do puzzles, but like-

Griffin: Magnus kind of is a puzzle.

Travis: That's so deep, Griffin.

Griffin: Thank you. Um... uh, I can tell you what you're doing right now.

Travis: Pooping.

Griffin: This was the scene that you wanted to do for your first solo sort of character development scene, for Magnus's-

Travis: Oh, I thought you meant what I was doing in real life.

Griffin: I have so many questions, like how would you even get the mic stabilized...

Travis: Wha- that's my whole recording setup!

Griffin: Okay, wonderful. Um, uh, the scene that you have decided to do with Magnus, uh, is, uh, let's just hop right into it!

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You, uh, so you walk into the private training moonbase dojo of Carey, Killian, and new regulator team member Noelle, um, and, uh, you see the three of them performing some, some pretty impressive acrobatic violent manoeuvres, and, uh, it looks like Killian and Carey are kind of, like, breaking in Noelle, like teaching her the- the new manoeuvres. Uh, every once in awhile Killian will shout, uhh, “Orange Eleven”! Or, that's not her voice,

Killian: Orange Eleven!

Griffin: And then, uh-

Travis: Did you accidentally do a character voice when the character voice is your voice?

Griffin: Is my own, yeah,

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: And then Noelle will like, grab Carey and do like a fastball special with her.

Travis: Mmm-hmm.

Griffin: So, so they're running through some, some routines, uh, and they see you, uh, walk in, and uh, stop--stop their practice sesh. Uh, Killian throws the two girls some towels, Noelle says,

Noelle: Well, I don't need that, ‘cause I'm a robot.

Griffin: Uh, and Carey walks up to you, and says, uh,

Carey: Well, hey, Magnus, what's going on?
Magnus: Oh, I-, I-, I didn't, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Carey: Oh, that's fine, we've been at it for a few hours. She's really coming along fast.
Magnus: I-, I can- I can come back, I didn't--I, uh, if there's a better time, don't-
Carey: No, spill it, what's going on?
Magnus: Carey, can I talk--can I talk to you in, in private, please?
Carey: I just became instantly pretty nervous, but, uh, yeah, I guess so--uh, ladies, take ten!

Griffin: And, uh, Killian and Noelle waltz out of the room. Literally, they waltz, which is weird.

Travis: It's beautiful.

Magnus: I don't, okay, I don't know how to say this. Um, so, in the lab, um...
Carey: Yeah?
Magnus: I, I really liked your moves! I thought, I--you, uh-
Carey: Okay, I'm gonna stop- I'm gonna stop you right there, Mag, because... you're a good dude, and I had a lot of fun in that crystal kingdom, killing a bunch of robots with you, but I, uh, you're not really my... cup a’ tea, um, so to speak.
Magnus: OH! No, no.
Carey: No.
Magnus: No, no, no--
Carey: No?
Magnus: No, no.
Carey: No.
Magnus: No, no no no no no no, no! No. I--I want you to train me.
Carey: What do you mean? Like, in the ways of love? ‘Cause--
Magnus: No-ho-ho, no. Carey, I have just always punched? And kind of rushed? And, done -you know, kind of thrown myself into everything.
Carey: Right, right.
Magnus: But I saw you move and finesse and almost dance your way through battle, and--I want to be more precise. I want to, I want--I've done some things in the last couple of missions that, looking back on, some might say were suicidal. And I think that--
Carey: Yeah, you've done some, you've done some goof-ass stuff.
Magnus: I think that I--
Carey: You want me to take you to thief school, is what you're saying.
Magnus: Yes! Yes, I want to learn to fight smarter.
Carey: Okay, um- I think you're a great guy, Mag, but you are also the--just the loudest single person I think I've probably ever met. So, I'm, I--I can totally train you, but the question is: are you willing to be trained?
Magnus: Yes?
Carey: That was the first test, you passed it.
Magnus: Yeah!

Griffin: Okay so, over the uh--why don’t you roll a persuasion check, just to see if like. She’s gonna require anything from you. I don’t know, is there a persuasion skill?

Travis: Umm… that’s such a good question, Griffin, [sound of papers shuffling] let me see here. Yes, there is!

Griffin: Mmkay. Go ahead and roll that just to determine if she’s gonna require anything from you.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] Probably, because that was a three.

Griffin: Mmkay…

Travis: Plus one! Four.

Carey: Um, listen. I’m into it, I’m into this idea. Um, the question is, I think it would be only fair if you could teach me a little something-something,
Magnus: [crosstalk] Okay.
Carey: On the side, too. And again, I know I said something-something, I mean it in a strictly platonic sense. Um,
Magnus: [crosstalk] Great! Great great great. Good. Cause I’m not - you’re not my-yeah.
Carey: [crosstalk] What kind of--sure. What kind of skills do you bring to the table, you think ol’ Carey Fangbattle might benefit from?
Magnus: Well, I know a lot about animals, I know a lot about vehicles, I can build stuff. I’m a carpenter, do you wanna learn carpentry?
Carey: Bing bang boom! Bingbangboom. I need a, uh, I’m actually in need of a birthday present. I could use, I don’t know, some sort of special box, or a neat chair, or a- a really nice bookshelf or somethin’?
Magnus: Tell me about this person. I like to craft the thing specifically for the person.
Carey: She--She’s super big,
Magnus: Ah-huh,
Carey: I-it’s Killian.
Magnus: Okay. Yep! Great great great.
Carey: She likes ducks, she - she’s a duck fan.
Magnus: Yeah! Would she like a puzzle box shaped like a duck.
Carey: That sounds--yes.
Magnus: Alright, we could do that.
Carey: That’s such a good gift I might teach you the secret thieves’ skills that I wasn’t supposed to--that my sensei told me not to divulge to anybody.
Magnus: And you know what, if we butter him up a little bit, Taako might enchant it so that it quacks when you solve it.
Carey: OH YES.
Magnus: I know, it’s pretty good!
Carey: Bazinga!
Magnus: Everyone's gonna want one.

Griffin: Uh, okay, so, she is convinced. And over the course of the next couple of weeks, Carey takes some time out of her regulator training schedule to teach you some of the thieving arts!

Travis: Now, Griffin, would you say it is a simultaneous montages of her teaching me thieves’ arts and us carving a duck.

Griffin: Uh, yes. It’s side by side,

Travis: [crosstalk] Concurrent montage!

Griffin: She starts off and carves a duck, but it’s more of just sort of a ball? With like, a face but no neck. So it’s just like, on the front of the ball. And she says.

Carey: I know this isn’t my best.

Travis: And it’s just a shot of -  as music plays - of Magnus putting his head down and shaking his head back and forth.

Griffin: Yeah. I do wanna run through some thievery training with you, s-so you’re sitting in the Regulators dojo dome, and just sort of sitting cross legged on the floor, and she’s holding a bean in her hand. And,

Travis: [crosstalk] Lik-like a bean? Like a food bean?

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, a little pinto bean. And she says,

Carey: If you’re able, snatch this here be-

Travis: [crosstalk] I take it.

Griffin: Okay. Roll a uh,

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, sorry.

Griffin: You can roll whatever you want, maybe a sleight of hand check would be appropriate? [sound of dice rolling].

Travis: That’s a 19 plus 2. 21.

Griffin: Mmkay, yeah, you snatch that bean right out of her hand, and she says,

Carey: Uh, okay, you didn’t let me finish but fair’s fair. That was a good bean grab, m’boy.
Magnus: Thanks!

Griffin: She holds up her left hand, and in it is your wallet.

Magnus: Ohhhh...

Griffin: She says,

Carey: Ha ha! That was lesson number two. Being speedy is really important, b-but so is whipping up a good distraction from time to time.
Magnus: You got me.
Carey: I need that bean back.
Magnus: I need my wallet back. [pause] Same- same time?
Carey: [Griffin laughing] One, two...

Griffin: Later on, a few days later, in the same montage, she’s just walking in circles around the room as you prowl on the shadowy outskirts of the room. And she has challenged you to pick her pocket.

Travis: Okay… I do that.

Griffin: Mmkay, that would be - what check would that be, stealth, do you think? And then probably-

Travis: [crosstalk] Is this pre-training? Pre-leveling up?

Griffin: Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Travis: So my stealth is still bad.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Okay.. my stealth is plus 2, so let’s see.

Griffin: That’s actually not bad! [sound of dice rolling]

Travis: It’s another 19! So 19 plus 2, 21!

Griffin: Alright, you sneak up behind her, and sort of walk in step with her very silently, and go ahead and roll sleight of hand? Is that the best? There’s not a pick pocket check, is there?

Travis: No, I think it’s gotta be sleight of hand too. [sound of dice rolling] That’s not as good, but 13 plus 2. So 15.

Griffin: Mmkay- Yeah, she’s wearing a loose fitting robe, which is not really her style but sort of giving you an easier time. And you reach in and you pull out a smoke bomb, which explodes in your face! And she says,

Carey: That’s lesson three, homie. Gotta always carry a smoke bomb, smoke bombs are great.
Magnus: B-but hold on now Carey, I did do the thing, I did pick your pocket, that’s just mean. That’s just mean-
Carey: [crosstalk] That’s that basic! Those are the basics!
Magnus: [crosstalk] So rule number three is “always be aware that when you’re picking someone's pocket they might be a dick”.
Carey: It’s a good thing to remember, there could be pudd- [Travis laughs] they could have just loose pudding in there! And then you put your hand back and -
Magnus: [crosstalk] Who walks - who walks around with loose pudding, Carey?
Carey: Taako definitely, I’ve - I’ve had some of his pocket pudding before.
Magnus: Okay. Yep, okay. Y’know, asked and answered.

Griffin: And then I think, later on in this montage, a couple days later, I think you guys are just like - just like fighting? But she doesn’t, like - no weapons, no Phantom Fist, just straight fisticuffs fighting. So go ahead and make an attack roll, on her.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] Uh, that’s probably not good. 8. I mean, plus 7, 15.

Griffin: Uh, no, she easily like, dodges out of the way of that and grabs your arm and jiujitsu flips you and carries your momentum --

Travis: [crosstalk] Wait, I’m gonna do an acrobatics saving throw! Hold on.

Griffin: Okay, cool.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] Or is that athletics saving throw?

Griffin: It’d be acrobatics.

Travis: Okay, well that’s not gonna do it. That’s a 2 plus 2, 4.

Griffin: Okay, you try to land on your feet but you overcorrect, and land directly on your face and your wiener!

Travis, laughing: [crosstalk] At the same time?

Griffin: At the same time. And she says —

Travis: [crosstalk] What kind of pill bug roll am I in?

Griffin: She sits down, and she says,

Carey: Oh, sorry, that was - I was just supposed to dodge it, that was just kind of reflexive.

Travis, impersonating Carey: Sorry about your weiner.

Carey: Sorry about your wein, um. Yeah, it’s - how’d you get that scar over your eye?
Magnus: Um…
Carey: Th-this is an important part of the lesson.
Magnus: [avoiding the question] I-I got it in a fight.
Carey: No, that, I figured that. I figured it wasn’t like, a big paper cut, you filing some documents. You got hit though, right?
Magnus: Yeah.
Carey: That’s the biggest thing for you, like, not getting hit is like, the whole job. A good thief doesn’t ---
Magnus: [crosstalk] To be fair, when I got the scar, I was pretty drunk.
Carey: Okay. I-I think that’s gonna be the hardest thing for you, Magnus, you’ve always struck me as the big brash guy always willing to take the big hits so somebody else doesn’t have to. T-there may be a time where you aren’t able to do that, if you really wanna pursue this lifestyle.
Magnus: When I can’t protect someone --
Carey: [crosstalk] When you don’t take the big hit, and let somebody else do it. You’re surrounded by pretty strong people, you don’t gotta be the damage sponge all the time, you know?
Magnus: Yeah, but like. I-I don’t wanna lose Merle and Taako.
Carey: Yeah. Yeah, they’re pretty good. I guess I understand what you’re saying. Hey, you know what? I think I learned a little bit of something else from you, too.
Magnus: Making a duck?
Carey: No - you, - I think duck-making is probably beyond my capabilities.
Magnus: No, you’re doing great, it’s really coming along!
Carey: Don’t you bullshit me,
Magnus: No, it’s good--

Griffin: She holds up a duck, but it’s got two asses. No head this time.

Carey: I got the - I flipped the thing upside down accidentally while I was mid carve.
Magnus: A lot of people would prefer that version!

Griffin: Yeah, so uh, you spend the next couple weeks learning from Carey. Master - not mastering the art of thievery, but getting on enough that you feel a little bit more comfortable, a little bit more confident. And Carey holds a little impromptu graduation ceremony for you.

Travis: [hums Pomp and Circumstance]

Griffin: Right, except you’re not really wearing a graduate’s cap and robe. You actually have to sneak up to her, to steal your diploma. It’s a very on-brand ceremony. And at the end of it, Carey is also holding her enchanted hand carved duck box. You did a lot of the work on it, you - she did the butt half, like, really good, but enlisted your help on the head half, she seems really happy with it. And she says,

Carey: Magnus, I’ve actually had a pretty great time hanging out these past couple weeks. And, I wanted to give you something.

Griffin: And she hands you a small leather pouch with some belt loops on the back of it, that you might string a belt through? And when you open it up, you find a set of fairly old looking, but pretty sturdy thieves tools.

Travis: Ooh!

Griffin: There’s like a, like a lock pick, a bunch of tools you don’t really understand what they are? Like metal loops and rings and some sort of small hooks? And she says,

Carey: I can show you how to use those but, um, I bought those. When I decided to become a thief. I’ve gotten a way better set now, but um, I want you to have ‘em.
Magnus: Well I have something for you too, Carey. Um--
Carey: [crosstalk] Another - a second duck?
Magnus: Well- well, hold on.

Travis: And Magnus reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a wooden ring that he’s carved, with a rose on top, and it’s carved out of rosewood.

[A Lunar Interlude fades in.]

Magnus: I made you this, I had to guess at the size, but I think this would fit Killian. If you would like to put it in the box, for her, it’s completely up to you, I won’t say a word.
Carey: That’s a real sweet thought.

Griffin: She says,

Carey: Hey. High five me. Right now.
Magnus: High five! [high five sound]


Griffin: So you have been off duty for a couple weeks now, Merle. You’ve basically been put on injured reserve, essentially, because of the trauma that you went through in the Crystal Kingdom saga, and again, I apologize for that.

Clint: No, I think it all worked out. I think it’s made me more of a mythic figure.

Griffin: But yeah! You have been granted sort of special leave… oh, that was a tree pun!

Clint: [laughs] I feel like a sap for not getting that!

Griffin: [makes some awful noise, like laughing except instead of ‘ha’ it’s ‘oh’] That’s the only - that’s my genuine laugh, if I do it any other way I’m being sarcastic.

Clint: I don’t wanna hear the genuine one anymore, then.

Griffin: Okay fantastic, just don’t say any more funny stuff. So you’ve been given special leave due to the trauma of the last mission, and were granted an all-expense paid weekend long spa resort visit.

Clint: Sssshut up!

Griffin: Yeah, congratulations. This is a special bonus on top of your regular payment for the mission. You were given a plus one, for this spa stay - I should mention this was a scenario you came up with - and the person you chose to go with you as your plus one surprised basically everyone, you chose the Director of the Bureau of Balance to go with you for a spa visit with you.

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: And let's say you’re about a day into this spa visit, you’ve gotten a thorough scraping. You’re kind of a crunchy individual, so I imagine there was a lot of,

Clint, softly: Yeah.

Griffin: Cruft to be removed in nice long aromatic hot baths. I wanna hop in-

Clint: [crosstalk] You mean I got exfoliated?

Griffin: Well you got exfoliated, you got scrubbed down with a fantasy loofah. You’ve been getting the works. Cleaned up, inside and out. There’s a colonic element.

Clint: Wha? Oh, well,

Griffin: So, for this scene, you and The Director are - by the way, it’s maybe been a little bit uncomfortable between you two? Just because like, she’s your boss, and wasn’t quite sure why you picked her to go with you? And she’s not really one for rest and relaxation, it’s been a little bit uncomfortable, but you guys - I think you guys are both getting the same spa treatment right now. What kind of spa treatment would you be getting?

Clint: Well I think… I’ve been exfoliated, we’ve done all that. So something that gets rid of the toxins, you know, now that I have tree sap flowing in my veins, along with the blood, I figure I gotta get some stuff out of there?

Griffin: Okay. How about a macro-biotic mud sort of situation? So it’s like a hot macro-biotic - biotic mud bath?

Clint: Yeah! Yeah, yeah yeah!

Griffin: You and The Director are in side by side sort of baths, and you get the impression this is maybe set up as a couples activity? Which is just really driving home the discomfort of this situation. And let’s say your arm is off, and in its own small potted plant mudbath.

Clint: Oh yeah. Because if it was going to be anywhere - if anything was gonna be in the mud, it’d be old tree arm.

Griffin: Old tree arm. And somebody is actually spraying it, with a sweet-smelling fluid out of a spray bottle and like pruning it and just seeing to it. And it seems to be really enjoying that. Do you have any refreshments? They have a lot of refreshments here.

Clint: [crosstalk] I would love some refreshments, yeah.

Griffin: L-like a tea sandwich?

Clint: Tea sandwiches, yeah, and maybe some cucumber water?

Griffin: Okay. You get the whole cucumber suite, and The Director, The Director’s drinking a huge like, Tami Taylor sized [Clint laughing] glass of dark purple wine. And so it’s been a little uncomfortable, but she breaks the silence after sort of the attendants, the spa attendants, leave the room and it’s just the two of you. And she says,

The Director: Merle, I uh, I suppose I should thank you, it’s been a bit stressful for the past, ohh… like, 7, 8 years? So I guess I could use a break away from it all. I appreciate you choosing me, I guess my question is, why did you decide to take me on this spa trip with you?
Merle: Ah, well, you know. You are my boss, and we haven’t really hit it off very well, and you know, you and I, we’ve got a lot in common. Got a little bit more in age, than the other two young whippersnappers.

Griffin: She laughs.

The Director: I-I suppose that is true.
Merle: I mean, you’re still much younger than me, but, you know.
The Director: Well, thank you for that.
Merle: You’re very mature. You’re a mature woman, and I’m a mature-ish man. And you know, I read women pretty well. Women and trees. [Griffin scoffs] And I was able to see: you know, this lady needs a break and a friend. I can be the friend, and I can help her get the break.
The Director: I appreciate you being considerate like that. Y-you understand - I try not to be cold, it’s just. I have to keep a professional distance from my staff members.
Merle: [crosstalk] You got a tough gig! Tough gig!
The Director: It is a tough gig. I wish I could, you know, go on adventures and - eat macaroons all night long and gab about--
Merle: [crosstalk] Macaroons [mak-ə-roon] or macarons [mah-kə-rohn]? Cause I really love the macarons. You know, there’s a difference!
The Director: Is that what you call macaroni?
Merle: [laughs] No no no. Macarons are like the cookies, but they’ve got a little icing in the middle. Mhm!
The Director: T-this has been pretty confusing so far - Merle, I wanna know a little bit more about, sort of… you always seem to keep kind of an irreverent attitude, I think it’s safe to say? Where does that come from?
Merle: Ah, basic insecurities. About my appearance, my height, my only having one damn arm now. Just always been that kind of guy! Hey, you know, why worry about things, have a light attitude. We’re not getting out of this life alive anyway! Why not enjoy the process?

Griffin: She takes a big sort of gulp out of her giant glass of wine. And says,

The Director: I’m surprised to hear you can keep things sort of.. that light hearted and still be a man… a man of the cloth.
Merle: Well, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ve never been a traditional man of the cloth, I’m more like uh - I don’t know if you ever saw the movie Poseidon Adventure but uh, Gene Hackman. That’s more of my role model. Gene Hackman, you know, a priest who curses a lot and really doesn’t get himself tied down. And, hey, I’m gonna be honest with you Director, because - I’ve been having some doubts.  Some conflict, some tests of faith here over the last, what -
The Director: To be frank with you Merle, we’ve, we’ve both seen some pretty existentially horrifying things. How do you go about keeping the faith when you see such horrible things?
Merle: Well, like I said, try to keep an open mind. And you know, while I think having that faith is important, because you need to have that relationship, and you need to have some idea about, you know, some idea about a higher power or a higher purpose. I’ve never been much of a church guy. [Griffin laughs] I know as a priest that sounds a little weird, but yeah. I think it’s more important to just kind of embody the ideals and the things you wanna do and not make a bunch of rules for people. Y’know.
The Director: So how did you settle on Pan as your patron deity? Is there a story there?
Merle: Cool beard. Pan’s got a cool beard, like a goatee kind of beard-
The Director: That’s, sorry. You’ve based your sort of theology and life direction on a--
Merle: [crosstalk] On a beard. Yeah. Yeah! And you know, the cloven hooves are kinda cool. I’m a very shallow person, Director. I’m just really- I’m as shallow as a mud puddle. But you know, cool beard, hairy legs. I have hairy legs, I want my beard to be cool.
The Director: I see. There’s some synergy there.
Merle: There is. There’s a connection there. I grok Pan. So, you know at first it was “Yeah! That guy's cool! I’d like to be like him!” And I was like a lot of other young dwarves, when I was a kid and the Pannites would come around with their literature and you know, their- their songs, their contemporary Pan songs, and you know it was all really cool. And we had Pan camps. You’d go to Pan camp and learn about Pan. And it was fun, it was a great way to socialize with people.
The Director: Yeah no, a lot of I guess, important values being imparted.
Merle: Yeah, sure! Playing the pipes, cavorting, there’s a lot of cavorting at Pan camp. So, y’know, that’s how I kinda got dragged in, and next thing you know, I’m learning more about him, and boom bing boom I’m wearing the collar, and well I don’t really wear a collar, but you know what I’m saying.
The Director: I guess… I’m jealous, in a way. I wish I could have this sort of, comfort, that your deity brings you, that your faith in Pan brings to you. But I don’t think, I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to make that leap.
Merle: Well it’s kind of, well, lemme tell you something. It’s pretty much a one way street. [Griffin laughs] Old Pan, I don’t think Pan really cares. Doesn’t really give a shit whether or not I’m his buddy or not. It’s all about how it makes me feel.

Griffin: You hear [sound of fingers being tapped on a table] and she says,

The Director: Oh I don’t- I don’t know about that.

Griffin: And you look over, and your wooden arm is sort of impatiently tapping its fingers-

Clint: [crosstalk] Ooh.

Griffin: - on the side of the tub.

Merle: Oh. Well, maybe Pan does give a shit. [Laughs] But you know what, here’s the thing. Here’s my feeling on faith, and maybe this’ll help ya. I’m not trying to convert ya - although I do have a couple of those Pan tracts if you wanna take a look at them. But my thing is: if my faith and believing in Pan helps me get through the tough times, hey! What’s the harm? If it helps me- if it helps me get through stressful things and helps me get past all the goo and the blegh and all the blood and stuff, hey! Works to my advantage.

Griffin: She drains the rest of her fishbowl of wine.

Merle: Whoa, easy! Easy goin’ Sister Sue!

Griffin: She says,

The Director: I appreciate you telling me more about this. I-I want you to understand, my whole life I dedicated myself to the study and the service of other people's discoveries, of other people's adventures. I was a supporter. But one day I made the decision to… stop championing other people's heroism and to take the direction of my life into my own hands. And, I lost dear, dear friends because of that decision, but it was the only one to make. So, I-I admire your faith Merle, I-I do, but I think I’m done waiting on anyone to fix my problems for me.
Merle: Oh no, Pan doesn’t fix problems! Let’s take a look at the stub where my arm used to be, I think it’s more problem causing. But hey!

Griffin: You hear that, [sound of fingers tapping]

Merle: Yeah, yeah, yeah! But you gotta stand for something, or you’re gonna fall for anything. So listen! You have got faith: it’s faith in - in you.
The Director: I guess that’s a good way of putting it. Let's get some more booze up in here.
Merle: YEAH, let’s do that! Here, lemme pour that for ya.

Clint: Glug glug glug glug glug glug!

Merle: What is this by the way? What's this purple shit you’re drinking?
The Director: Grape juice.

[A Lunar Interlude begins playing]

Merle: Oh. How old is it?
The Director: 125 years old.
Merle: Ahh, you know, there's a name for grape juice that’s  120-something years old!
The Director: That was what my jokes sound like.
Merle: Yeah, we’re gonna- We’re gonna work on that.

{30:39 A Lunar Interlude fades out.}

Griffin: So you, Taako, are also- you got some downtime after finishing The Crystal Kingdom campaign. And you’ve decided for your time off, and maybe you can talk a little bit more about the motivations that have led you to do so, because I thought this was a surprising character choice. You decided to give young Angus McDonald, boy detective, some tutelage in the ways of magic after he expressed some interest in it in the last episode.

Justin: Yes. I feel guilty about the whole silverware--

Griffin: [crosstalk] About all of just this, oh just the silverware, not like the constant ceaseless bullying of this ten year old.

Justin: [crosstalk] That’s kind of like, fun ribbing. Just like, two equals ribbing each other. I don’t feel particularly guilty about that, no, I feel a little guilty about stealing his family's silverware and lying about it.

Griffin: [crosstalk] And pawning it off, for like, I think you bought like a soda pop with it. [Justin laughs]

Justin: Nothing! I did nothing with it. In the grand scheme of our adventures, it was not a lot of money.

Griffin: Yeah, okay, that’s fair. And so you’ve decided to give him some magic lessons. So it’s mid afternoon, and you are in the Bureau of Balance cafeteria - the mess hall. And it’s between meals, there’s a kitchen staff cleaning up in the backroom, you can hear them clinkin’ and clankin’ around back there as they wash dishes and prepare for the dinner service.  But basically, you got a big open room right now, you’ve moved some of the tables out of the way. And in walks little five foot nothin’ Angus McDonald, wearing his sunday best, and he’s holding a little dinky wand. And he just prances into the room, he’s very excited. And he goes,

Angus: Hello sir! It’s magic day! It’s magic day!
Taako: I suppose, I’m already regretting this.
Angus: [very quickly] Oh, I’m sorry, I can tone it down if you’d like, I’m just excited to begin my magic. My magic adventure into the - into the arcane arts!
Taako: Okay, alright. Let’s calm down a little bit.
Angus: Let’s - what kind of spells am I gonna learn today?
Taako: No spells today, the first day isn’t about spells. It’s about the spells you don’t learn. Really on the first day-
Angus: [crosstalk] Okay!
Taako: How many spells don’t you know?
Angus: All of them?
Taako: Good start, all--
Angus: I mean, I know all about the principles of arcane interaction and sort of the different schools of magic and how they behave, I’ve done a lot of studying up. But for some reason I just can’t seem to get the dang magic to come out!
Taako: Sure, here’s your first problem: what is this you’re holding here?
Angus: My magical wand?
Taako: Yes, what is this you have here, where did this come from?
Angus: Leon gave it to me because I helped him solve a couple mysteries on the side. Those didn’t make the episode cut, but there was a whole campaign we went on together!
Taako: Okay. See, the problem is, a lot of people get wands and they think “Well, magic time baby”, like starting a car, but really a wand is just a conduit for the magic that has been inside you all along.
Angus: That’s wonderful!
Taako: Yeah, it’s pretty inspirational ‘n shit. So-
Angus: [interrupting] So how do I get that magic to come out of me, sir?
Taako: Put the wand down first.
Angus: Okay.

Griffin: He very gently, very gently sets it down. Like, very very very gently. This thing is more precious to him than his family’s silverware. He sets it down gently on the ground.

Justin: [crosstalk] Ironically, ironically.

Taako: So, the first thing is: what if you don’t have your wand? Well that’s a good question, it’s on the table right? So you don’t have it. So here’s the first spell I’m going to teach you, are you ready?
Angus: Yes sir!
Taako: Mage Hand!
Angus: Oo-oh! I’ve heard of Mage Hand.
Taako: That’s good! Mage Hand, it is a cantrip, which is one of the easiest things to cast. And it’s conjuration, which just means making something out of nothing.
Angus: I, I know what the words mean, sir. [pause] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to step on your thing,
Taako: [crosstalk] You got a problem here?
Angus: [crosstalk] No, please teach me.
Taako: Is this a problem? Trying to salt my game?

Griffin: You run him through sort of the incantation, that conjures Mage Hand up out of nothing, and after a good ten minutes of him just standing with his hands, his open palms an inch apart, a very very small spectral hand, with just a single finger, just the ring finger appears, and instantly just falls on the ground and starts twitching. And Angus sees this like, this monstrous, just pained hand and he starts, um:

Angus: Oh! Oh god!
Taako: Kill it! Kill it!
Angus: [crosstalk] What did I make?
Taako: Angus, kill it! Dude, stab it with something!

Griffin: He picks up a fork from the table and stabs the hand-

Taako: [crosstalk] Stab it! Stab the hand with the fork, quick!

Griffin: He stabs the hand with the fork and it dissipates back into smoke. And he goes,

Angus: That was terrible!
Taako: That was great! That’s a-- You did a nothi- something out of nothing! That’s magic, baby.
Angus: I guess that’s true. I’d like to make a full big hand last time. Hey Taako, can I ask you a question?
Taako: Yeah, sure!
Angus: Who taught you how to do magic?
Taako: Uh, that. That’s a long story, I-I didn’t so much learn, I used to be a chef, um, a long time ago.
Angus: That’s right, you made me those macaroons. Those tasted so good I ate it as a Candlenights treat for myself by myself in my room. [Taako lets out a pitiful aww] Yeah, I just cuddled up against the Candlenights bush, and there weren’t so many presents under mine but that’s okay. And I ate the macaroon and it was the highlight of my holiday.
Taako: I- I tried to learn, um, I was a chef and I thought transmutation magic would help, you know, spice things up a bit, right? Nobody's impressed if you put mustard on a hotdog, because you had the mustard, but what if you- if you went into a box with just mustard and a hotdog and came out with like, chicken cordon bleu? People would be really impressed by that, right?
Angus: That would be amazing, sir!
Taako: Chef du Jour. So yeah, I tried to do that, I wasn’t really that um… competent at first. And then I sort of lost control. And I was transmogrifying things left and right without really thinking about it. Which was a bad scene. And then-
Angus: Well, absolute power corrupts absolutely! As my grandpa said.
Taako: That’s not relevant here, but uh, a fine point and well observed.
Angus: So why don’t you cook very much anymore, sir? The macaroons you made were so delicious, and I wonder why you don’t cook for your friends more often sir?
Taako: [sighs] Well Angus, uh, one time I transmogrified something... I transmogrified it into something you really shouldn’t eat, ever? For life, to live, I mean? And, uh, a lot of people ate that. And that went, so sideways. Um... I-I just decided I would never again cook for people I cared about, because I couldn’t risk, um, y’know, something happening to them. Until I get this under control, I guess.
Angus: That’s very sad sir, I’m sorry for making you bring that up. I can tell that it upset you.
Taako: Yeah, that’s okay. I just don’t cook for anybody who’s close to me. That I care if they live or die, I guess, more specifically.
Angus: You did let me eat the macaroon.
Taako: [High pitched] I did! I did. Hmm… that must have been a lapse, you know what, in hindsight? That was a lapse of judgement. I was actually just really excited about making macarons, and I’m fairly certain that I didn’t ummmmmm poison-
Angus: [crosstalk] Didn’t goof that one!
Taako: Didn’t goof - didn’t goof that one up, as near as I can tell. I mean, you’re here, right? You’re fine! Have you always been this height?
Angus: Um, I have shrunk like, four inches in the past couple months!
Taako: Not related. I’m sure that’s not related.
Angus: I thought it might just be weird moon gravity stuff.
Taako: Weird moon gravity stuff? That’s exactly - I was about to say that when you said it. It’s amazing.

Griffin: You spend the rest of that day conjuring up Mage Hands, with different numbers of fingers on it. We did a montage in Travis’s bit, so we’ll do a very fast one here. Just kind of jump to the end of it, it’s been about a week and a half, and you’ve given him several lessons. And you’re back in that cafeteria between meals again, and Angus says,

Angus: Sir, sir! Check it out! Check it out!

Griffin: And he holds out his hand, and a small but pretty steady flame appears in it. And he has cast a very competent version of the cantrip Produce Flame. He’s holding it up to you looking for approval.

Taako: That is awesome. Congratulations, Ang-Agnes.
Angus: T-thank you sir! I-- Did you say Agnes?
Taako: [laughs] You have done an amazing job. You know, if you keep it up, then someday you might be a better wizard than I am!
Angus: T-that’s very kind of you to say, I hope--

Justin: And I grab him by his lapels.

Taako: [low voice] And when that day comes, little man, oh when that day comes. I will summon whatever powers I still have at my disposal, that you have not siphoned away from me, and I will take all of my canny and all of my cunning and all arcana still within my reach, and I will use it to strike you down. Little man, don’t ever, EVER, again challenge my power. [long pause] It’s a monologue I’m working on, Agnes, sorry, that wasn’t actually directed at you. That’s from a one-man show I’m doing.
Angus: [nervously] O-oh okay, so that was just from your play acting then, sir.
Taako: You peed your loincloth there Agnes! I know you got a little suit. Peed Your Loincloth is the name of the show. You Peed Your Loincloth, it’s the name of the show I’m working on.
Angus: C-can I get tickets?
Taako: [laughs] Oh, can’t you just conjure them, Mr. Wizard? [Griffin laughs] Mr. Big Tough Magic Boy?

Griffin: And he says,

Angus: This is kind of, uh, uncomfortable now.

Griffin: But he holds out a small, a small cardboard box. With a small ribbon around it. Which he undoes and opens up, and there’s some macaroons inside! He says,

Angus: I made th-these for you, sir. To thank you for the magic lessons.
Taako: Oh hell yeah! Thank you so much, Agnes. I am going to enjoy these, in uh, my bunk!
Angus: Y-you don’t wanna eat one right now, sir?
Taako: Yeah sure, I’ll eat one right now, what the hell. Only going around once, right?

Griffin: You take a bite into it, and the texture’s fine, and the texture’s hard to nail on a macaroon. It is completely flavorless. There’s no flavor in it, whatsoever.

Taako: [unenthusiastic] It’s fine. It’s just fine.
Angus: I-I know I probably goofed up on the flavor profile, a bit.
Taako: I’ll tell you what, you got the texture exactly right, and really with a macaroon that’s the hard part. You gotta make sure to rise, one thing that might help is if you give the pan a little shake after you actually dollop out the meringue you can remove some of these peaks. And also sugar, any sugar at all. Would be great.
Angus: Dang, that was it. Yep.
Taako: That’s the one, yeah. That helps with structure.
Angus: I-I was wondering if you could use Prestidigitation to get some better flavors on these bad boys.
Taako: [sighs] Y-you could, but you really shouldn’t cross those streams little man. That got me into some bad trouble, I wouldn’t recommend it.
Angus: I was just hoping maybe you could show me how Prestidigitation works. [Taako sighs] But I understand if- no, I understand.
Taako: [tired] No, it’s fine. Yeah, Prestidigitation. So this has two components, V and S. [Griffin laughs.] There you go. I’ll just make these sort of… taste better.

Griffin: You point your Umbra Staff at the box of macaroons, and begin to cast Prestidigitation - wow that’s a hard spell name to say - but Prestidigitation does not come out of your Umbra Staff. It feels like, actually, your Umbra Staff is exerting a will of its own? And Prestidigitation doesn’t come out of it, the spell Scorching Ray does.

Justin: Aw dag.

Griffin: And you blast this little box full of macaroons into dust with a powerful version of the spell Scorching Ray. And you actually have to hold your elbow to prevent the recoil, this is a powerful ass version of this. And once you do this Angus goes,

Angus: Well uh, okay, I can understand if you didn’t like them sir, but that’s all you had to say. You didn’t have to burn ‘em all up.
Taako: No, it- I - that’s not what I cast.

Griffin: Scorching Ray comes out of your Umbra Staff again, and this time your Umbra Staff pulls your elbow so that it’s pointing in a straight line. And it’s firing the spell Scorching Ray into the wall? And you can just feel the Umbra Staff making you trace a shape. And it carves out the letter “L”, in fire, in the wall. And then it does a “U”. And then it does a “P”. And then the staff shuts down. And you feel it like, just kind of, lose any power that it was exerting over you in that moment. So your staff, you lost control of it and you blasted the letters L U P into the wall.

Taako: Why? What does that - what is L U P?

[A Lunar Interlude fades in.]

Griffin: Angus takes out a notebook and he says,

Angus: Sir, I appreciate the magic lessons, but it sounds like you’ve just given me an even better gift. A new mystery to solve!
Taako: Aw fuck.

{45:28-51:20 ad break.}

Griffin: I—we’re back all together again. And I hope all that went okay. We’re recording this part—we’re recording the second half of this episode before the first half of the episode that you just listened to, so. If it was a fail—if it was a colossal failure, should we apologize in this part of the show?

Travis: We—no, you know what? I’m gonna say you’re welcome.

Griffin: It—whatever it was, I’m sure it went really well. So the three of you have sort of regrouped back at the Bureau of Balance and I don’t know why you didn’t do this stuff immediately after the Crystal Kingdom arc, but you’re doing it now. ‘Cause we gotta do some…

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Travis: Well, ‘cause everyone was on Christmas break, Griffin.

Griffin: That’s—

Travis: We had to wait for Leon to get back from his Candlenights break.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Fuckin’ fantastic, yeah, Leon was out. His family celebrates… elven Candlenights. Which, as we all know, lasts twice as long. And, that’s, the end of the goof.

Travis: [laughing]

Griffin: But Leon the ar—

Justin: I wish more goofs had that. [crosstalk] That’s so nice.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, that—

Clint: Just—when they’re done, they’re done.

Griffin: Uh, but Leon the arti—

Travis: [crosstalk] Just a Friday night bookend, and then the joke-teller says, “and that’s the end of the joke.”

Griffin: And that’s—and now you know the rest of the goof.

Clint: [old-timey radio announcer voice] The rest! Of the story.

Griffin: Um, so Leon is back in his—in the gachapon artificer chambers where the three of you find yourselves now with a shiny gachapon token. And as soon as you walk into the room, Leon just goes,

Leon: Aw, fuck. Aw, no.
Magnus: No, we’ve got it this time.
Leon: You’ve said that every time that you’ve come in here.
Magnus: Leon, look me in the eyeballs. I’ve got it.

Travis: And I hand my token to Taako.

Clint: [wheezing]

Leon: You’re gonna give Taako two—two goes at it, then?
Magnus: Well, he’s gonna do it for me.
Leon: You’re—no, that’s not how it works. Double—here’s the, okay—
Magnus: [crosstalk] No, I know!
Leon: [crosstalk] No, no, no!
Magnus: [crosstalk] I give it to you!
Leon: No you—no you shut up. Here’s the thing.

Justin: [snickering]

Griffin: He reaches into his robe and he pulls out three, shining, sparkling, wrapped, delicious-looking pieces of candy. And he says,

Leon: You guys get it right on your first try,
Magnus: Uh-huh. Ooh?
Leon: And you’ll be rewarded with the most delicious leftover Candlenights sweets…
Magnus: [gasps]
Leon: That your sweet little mouths have ever tasted.
Magnus: Point of order, do we all three have to get it right to get a candy, or does each person get a candy for getting it right?
Leon: No—you know what, let’s raise the stakes. Yes, it’s an all or nothing game, Magnus.
Magnus: Oh, you got me, Leon.
Leon: Put the coin in the gachapon machine by yourself. Turn the wheel. Get your prize. Do it good. Ooh tasty candies in there.
Magnus: Okay.
Leon: Hey, let me ask you a question. Let me axe you a question, that’s a fun Magnus joke.
Magnus: Uh-huh?
Leon: What’s your favorite candy?

Travis: Turkish delight.

Clint: Marzipan! Marzipan!

Leon: And you, Taako?
Taako: Uh, I like Ferrero Rochers.
Leon: Oh, wouldn’t you just know it?

Griffin: He waves his hands over these sweets, three sweets, and they transform magically into the three things you said.

Justin: Dunk.

Travis: Alright, let’s do this. I put my token into the machine myself!

Leon: Hell yes, one for three.

Travis: And I got… a 2. Is that good, should I roll again?

Griffin: The number does not… matter.

Travis: Is it good, Griffin?

Griffin: Uh, this is actually very good for you, Magnus.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You hear a loud ka-chunk come out of this machine as a pretty sizable package falls out of it.

Travis: Tell me more about my sizable package!

Clint: [wheezing]

Griffin: We’re just gonna say, like every—there’s—

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Every one of those is just—you’re not gonna let any of ‘em sail by.

Justin: Ha!

Clint: Nope.

Griffin: It is a very—you know what, I just changed my mind. It’s an empty package, you get nothing.

Travis: No, no, no!

Griffin: No, it’s a pretty big package. It is, uh, you pull out a capsule from this machine and as you pop it open, you see what appear to be dark grey feathers.

Travis: Ooh!

Griffin: And, they’re not actual feathers, they seem to be made of some sort of, like, studded leather?

Travis: Oooh-hoo!

Griffin: Like, super-light leather. And as you sort of unfurl it, it looks like some sort of, uh, a very light piece of torso armor, chest armor, with this light grey feathered design.

Travis: Yeah! I am on board!

Griffin: And you take it back to Leon, who flips through his book and very quickly locates this item, he says,

Leon: Okay, that is the Featherweight Cuirass. And it’s… an interesting piece of—of armor that increases the wearer’s flexibility and mobility.

Griffin: The Featherweight Cuirass, it has the same AC as the armor that you are currently wearing which is actually kind of impressive because it’s definitely lighter. But, it gives you +3 on every acrobatics check from now on.

Travis: Oh! Alright.

Griffin: So any feats of flipping or things like that you wanna do, you can now, uh, go—go have an easier time doin’ ‘em. So I expect more stunts in the future from Magnus.

Justin: Sweet.

Travis: Yes! Especially since, as people who listened to this after the fact will know, I'm gonna train in that with, uh, with Carey.

Griffin: Yeah, unless, unless you trained bad. I don’t know.

Travis: Oh, okay, maybe I trained real bad.

Griffin: He says,

Leon: Okay. Please, who’s next? Who’s gonna keep this streak alive?

Travis: What is—Griffin, just so I know, is it like a cape or is it like a chest piece with little feathers?

Griffin: It’s like a chest piece.

Travis: Okay, I just want to give our fanart people…

Griffin: Well, and also, you didn’t know what it was.

Justin: I think fanart sounds diminutive. I think, like, co-creators.

Travis: Yeah, [crosstalk] let’s just say collab artists…

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh, collaborators!

Justin: [crosstalk] Collaborators! That’s good, dad.

Clint: [they just constantly crosstalk good god] Oh, yeah. I want artistic collaborators.

Travis: [crosstalk] I want collab-o artists.

Justin: ‘Cause they put more work into it.

Griffin: Than we do? Absolutely.

Clint: And we make all the money.

Justin: We don’t make any money.

Clint: Oh, we don’t make any money. No.

Justin: Not if there are…

Clint: Mm-mm.

Justin: We don’t—you’re saying it, like, the way you say things.

Griffin: [laughing]

Clint: No! No! I—we don’t make any money.

Travis: Dad, did I inherit my inability to sound sincere from you?

Clint: [chuckling] That’s it, you have that insincere sincerity.

Griffin: But see, but you do—you do it for things that make you sound good. Dad does it for things that make him sound actively worse.

Travis: When he’s telling the truth, you sound like the devil, Dad.

Clint: No.

Griffin: Who took—

Travis: [laughing]

Leon: Who’s up—who’s up next on the candy train?

Griffin: He says and shakes the candy.

Travis: Alright, you can do this, guys. All or nothing.

Leon: [singing] Here comes the candy train… pulling into candy town…

Clint: I'll go ahead and go.

Taako: Who are you? I don’t recognize your voice.
Merle: I'm diabetic Merle.
Taako: There we go, alright.
Merle: Candy means nothing to me.

Griffin: That’s a real—I don’t know if that’s a real character choice, it’s a real Clint choice. I'm not saying—hold on, I should backpedal, diabetes isn’t a choice.

Travis: [laughing]

Clint: No it’s not.

Travis: It’s a lifestyle.

Justin: In dad’s case, it was more of a lifestyle.

Clint: Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Krispy Kreme.

Griffin: Um,

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Still shaking this candy in his hand.

Leon: Woo-chikichikichiki. Here it comes.

Clint: I extend the coin.

Griffin: He’s biting his nails.

Leon: [gasps nervously]

Clint: I'm getting closer and closer to Leon with it.

Travis: No—I shake a no-no can at him.

Griffin: [laughing]

Justin: [wheezing]

Clint: [making a noise, like a car screeching to a halt, then going in a different direction] I… putitintheslot.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Leon: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Clint: I spin the prize wheel! [dice falling on the ground] Oh, snikey.

Griffin: If it rolls on the floor you don’t get anything.

Travis: [cackling] You got a negative, you got a nothing. Imaginary number.

Clint: Seventeen!

Griffin: Seventeen. Have you rolled a 17? Hold on. Okay, um, you put the coin in the slot and turn the crank. A much smaller capsule comes out of the machine than the one that Magnus got. This one’s actually more ovular, it’s a bit longer. And as you open up the capsule, inside of it are some nerd-ass looking glasses. Like, some…

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: Yes!

Griffin: … some real thick, boxy, like, Elvis Costello brown tortoiseshell shit.

Clint: Okay. Kinda Six-String Samurai kinda thing?

Griffin: Yeah, kinda, you—yeah, a bit Buddy Holly-y and you take it back to Leon, who flips through, there’s actually apparently a lot of glasses in that machine, ‘cause there’s like, several pages of glasses. And he locates the ones that you, uh, that you have pulled out and he says,

Clint: Be x-ray specs, be x-ray specs, be x-ray specs…

Leon: No, not quite. These are, uh, these are called Awareness Frames. And they are some nerd-ass looking glasses,

Griffin: He says,

Leon: that enhance the wearer’s ability to perceive the truth and see things previously unseen.

Griffin: Which means that while you’re wearing these glasses, you get +2 to both your perception and your investigation checks. So as long as you’re wearing these, you’ll be able to find things a little bit better and sort of discern the truth of things.

Clint: ‘Kay, so +2 to perception?

Griffin: And +2 to investigation. Uh, Leon falls to his knees and, like, crawls towards you, Taako, and says,

Leon: T-Taako, please. Set me free.

Travis: [chanting] Taako, Taako, Taako…

Leon: Caaaaaaaandy.

Justin: Uh.

Leon: [faintly] Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandy.

Justin: I cast Blink.

Travis & Griffin: [wheezing]

Leon: What the?

Griffin: Okay, you disappear from this plane of existence and reappear in the ethereal plane.

Justin: Alright, and I walk in the ethereal plane over so I'm sitting next to him.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I reappear and snatch the candy from his hand and put my coin into it.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: [wheezing]

Griffin: [trying not to laugh] Make a sleight of hand check. With advantage.

Justin: What?

Griffin: Make a sleight of hand check with advantage.

Justin: That’s an 18, baby.

Travis & Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Like Indiana Jones, you—

Justin: Wait, wait, wait, hold on, I wanna make sure that I can’t add anything to it.

Griffin: [giggling]

Clint: [laughing]

Justin: Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I gotta—I add—I add 3 to dexterity, that’s 21.

Clint: 21!

Griffin: Uh,

Clint: [uproarious laughter]

Griffin: He, like as soon as you do that, he just looks at you in stunned silence. And just falls to the ground and curls up in a ball and releases your coin, which rolls across the floor and he just starts weeping on the floor. And he says,

Leon: [crying] We were so—we were so close to candy station!
Taako: [laughing] I'm already pullin’ in, bubbeleh.

Justin: Alright, I pick my coin up and I pop a Ferrero Rocher in my mouth and I toss the other boys their candy. And I go put my coin in the slot ‘cause I do know how it works.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: You’re sure that you did it in the right order and you put the candy in your mouth and the coin in the slot?

Justin: Yeah, pretty—I'm positive.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: ‘Cause he’s got fillings and that would hurt.

Griffin: Uh, roll that d20, my boy.

Justin: [rolling dice]

Clint: Ooh!

Justin: 8.

Griffin: Okay, a pretty average sized capsule rolls, rolls down and out of the machine. And as you lift up the flap and retrieve it, you pop it open and uh, inside you see a relatively plain-looking slingshot. Carved out of wood, with a rubber sling, I guess? On it?

Justin: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: And it’s, uh, it’s carved from a light wood, but there is an intricate etching in the handle of it. And fuckin’ Leon, just like from the floor, like, flips around the book that’s up on his desk and just, like, points to the book and tells you to look at it. and, uh,

Travis: And it says “fuck you.”

Griffin: It says “fuck you, Taako.” No, uh, it actually is open to an entry and you see the picture of the slingshot you’re holding in it. And this entry describes the Hole Thrower. And once—

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Once—once per day, the Hole Thrower can put a perfectly circular hole into any non-living, non-magical object or barrier. You roll a d10, you point the Hole Thrower at what you wanna put a hole in, you roll a d10 and the hole’s diameter is that many feet, whatever you roll. So you can use this to open up a door in a wall, or a hole in a door, or a… you know.

Travis: Door in a wall.

Justin: Is it—okay, so it’s like a barrier, not a… not a thick thing.

Griffin: Um.

Justin: For walls and doors, right? Not, like, um, I'm trying to think of a.

Travis: Mountain.

Justin: Like a—yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Griffin: You couldn’t shoot—you couldn’t shoot it at the ground and open up a hole to the other side of the earth, no.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: It would have to be within reason. In fact, let’s just say whatever you roll on the d10, it can be that many feet deep as well.

Justin: Okay, got it.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: And you can use that once per day.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: That’s it for your fantasy gachapon visit. Leon says, sits up and he wipes the tears from his eyes and he says,

Leon: I'm not gonna give up on you three.

Travis & Clint: [wheezing]

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: I'll get you next time with my gadgets.

Griffin: He is—keep this up, Leon’s gonna be the big bad at the end of the—at the end of the campaign.

Travis: [laughing] “You broke me!”

Clint: How cool would that be?

Griffin: Or maybe the second—

Travis: “You made me this!”

Griffin: —maybe the second big bad. Um, seems like we’re all done there.

Justin: Uh, where are we headed to now, Griffin?


Clint: (gleefully) I think I know!

Griffin: I think it might make sen—oh, you know what? I actually heard that they’re havin’ a sale… [whispering] That’s not true, they never have sales. They never have sales at…

[Fantasy Costco theme plays]

Griffin: That’s probably anticlimactic for you boys, ‘cause I just said “They never have sales at…”

Travis: Yeah, no, we—we got it.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you’re at the Fantasy Costco. Is this the third or fourth time we’ve made it to the Fantasy Costco?

Travis: Think this is the fourth, I’m not sure, though.

[Fantasy Costco theme stops]

Griffin: Okay. So, you all got paid 2000 gold pieces in your last adventure. The only other revenue source we had was the bag of gems that Magnus found in Lucas’s, uh, private quarters.

Travis: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: Not sure if you remember that.

Travis: I do! I wrote it down.

Griffin: I appraised that at 1200 gold pieces, it is up to you I guess if you wanna share that or not? I think Merle was in the room with you when you found it, so that may be a tricky…

Travis: I’m—I’m—I, okay, I’ll tell you this. I will, it’s—it’s like a bonus to buy things that people want to that are more than.

Griffin: Oh, like a pool?

Travis: The 2000, yeah. We’ll call it a pool of money.

Griffin: Well then, you guys have 2000 gold pieces with this floating pool of 1200. And I don’t know if you had any money left over? But if so you can add that to the total and I have emailed you a list of items. Should we go down the list and read off some of the stuff that people sent in?

Travis: Griffin, can we buy just regular stuff too if we need, just like, regular supplies?

Griffin: Yes, there is a—so there’s a table in your player’s handbook of just like, everyday common objects and within reason, I’ll allow you to pick stuff out of that. I think you can buy--

Travis: Yeah, I wanna buy a mastiff.

Griffin: A what?

Travis: A mastiff? The dog?

Griffin: Dog,

Travis: It’s a dog?

Griffin: Nice try, but you know there’s no dogs on the moon.

Travis: Ugh, but I want it so bad.

Justin: He’s…

Clint: [laughing] He badly wants it!

Justin: He has explicitly said there’s no dogs on the moon.

Griffin: I’ve explicit—

Travis: But I want it so bad.

Griffin: Well, if—

Clint: I’d like to do somethin’ really different.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Look in the eyes of my heart, Griffin.

Griffin: No.

Clint: I’d like to do somethin’ that actually makes sense for me to buy.

Griffin: Okay?

Clint: And I know that’s kind of out there.

Griffin: Oh, by the way, I should mention in addition to the, like, dozen or so new items on the menu, everything you have never—you didn’t buy in past visits is still available. I have that on this list as well.

Clint: I think with my bad habit of burning through spell slots I oughta buy Mathias. The Living… Grimoireoireoire.

Travis: Yeah, that’s a good way to go.

Griffin: Yeah, you’ve got it. Uh, so Mathias the Living Grimoire is a new item sent in by Will Barnett, thank you, Will.

Justin: Looks like Barrett here. Is it Barrett?

Clint: I thought it was Barrett too.

Griffin: Oh yeah, sorry. I’m sitting very far away from my computer. Will Barrett, thank you, Will. It’s—this clockwork owl, it’s a clockwork owl, has been owned by dozens of different wizards throughout its lifespan and can now recite arcane knowledge on command. All arcana checks made by the player who owns this item gain advantage, in addition the player can use this to prepare a spell they do not know once per day. This spell still takes up a spell slot of the spell’s level, so you don’t get extra—you can, you can have a spell that you wouldn’t normally be able to learn and sort of have it live in this owl, but whenever you cast it, it does still burn one of your spell slots.

Clint: That’s cool.

Griffin: And it also gives you advantage on arcana checks.

Clint: And then I would like to put my 500 remaining into the pool.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Travis: Oooh!

Griffin: That’s very kind of you, okay. The pool is now—

Travis: We’re well on our way to that magical flaming sword thing.

Clint: That’s what I was thinkin’.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: So the leftover from last time, we still have John Williams’ eight year old son Colin who sent in this—you can’t buy Colin.

Justin: Well, I thought for a second, yeah, it’s like. And he’s such a talent.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Colin sent in the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom, which is a sword with a gigantic blade, wreathed in flames with a crooked, oozing scorpion stinger affixed to its point and it just does a bunch of damage. But it’s 60,000 GP so you’re a little--

Clint: And may I say, the people submitting these are—they—every time, they just get better and better and better.

Griffin: They do. Do wanna say, try and keep those descriptions short. So many people send in so many cool items that are like, nine paragraphs explaining what they do and I love it and I love how much work went into it, we just can’t. We can barely keep Hole Thrower straight, so, I don’t–

Travis: Hey, Griffin?

Griffin: Yo.

Travis: If I pick up a rapier,

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: Just a regular old rapier, is there somewhere I can go on the moon to pay to have it enchanted?

Griffin: Um, no. That’s not really how magic items work?

Travis: Mmm, I see.

Griffin: You can buy a rapier, though, we can work that out. Um.

Clint: Get one that looks like a mastiff!

Griffin: Your dog sword! We also have items like the Mockingbird Gum from Jacob Mao, which is a pack of gum, and when you chew it it allows you to emulate another person’s voice for an hour.

Travis: I’m gonna pick up the Magnetic Charge from Drew Davenport.

Griffin: Okay, that was—thank you, Drew. Read what it does?

Travis: You want me to read it?

Griffin: Yeah, please.

Travis: Yeah. A fist-sized glass ball with a blue button on top. Once the button is pressed, the ball will begin to glow and produce a magnetic field that lasts two rounds of combat. The field repels any metal objects within ten feet from the ball. Take one day for enough charge to be built up to use.

Griffin: Let’s put a check on that later? Just to sort of—I think that’ll be more interesting ‘cause also we’re gonna get in an argument like, if a big fuckin’ tank rolls up and you throw this magnet at it and say, like, “oh it should blow the tank away”. We should have some sort of way of determining how powerful it is?

Travis: Fair enough.

Griffin: But we can figure that out later. Okay. Please do the math on your own gold.

Travis: Workin’ on it.

Griffin: That was another item, there’s the All-or-Nothing coin, which actually a lot of people sent in? This must be like a… like, D&D staple, but anyway, once per day when you’re supposed to roll a d20, instead of rolling a d20 you flip a coin. And if it’s heads, it’s a critical hit and if it’s a tails, it’s a critical miss.

Justin: Yikes.

Travis: What do you think, boys? Do you like that Astral Shell? Is that something you think we need?

Clint: Is that the one from Henry “Segall”?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: It’s a conch shell that allows you to interrogate the souls of the recently dead.

Travis: I feel like we accidentally kill a lot of people and that could really come in handy.

Clint: Yeah, ‘cause when we wanna apologize and stuff.

Justin: Right.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: [trying not to laugh] I added this to the list thinking it would be so cool, but that’s a good point. Like I was—I had the exact same thought process, with like that time you accidentally murdered Barbara and then wanted to get some information from Barbara. The thing—how would that conversation go, like? “Oh, dawg, sorry we murdered you. What’s the password to your fort?”

Justin: Um, I—Trav, you think about it for a second ‘cause I know the two things I wanna get.

Griffin: Go.

Travis: Go for it.

Justin: I’m gonna grab the, uh, Mockingbird Gum from Jacob Mao. A pack of green and blue speckled minty sticks of chewing gum allows anyone chewing it to emulate another person’s voice for one hour.

Griffin: Cool.

Justin: It’s 200 GP.

Griffin: What’s the next?

Justin: And I’m also gonna get the Arcane Trickster’s Glove.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, this one’s neat.

Clint: [whistling]

Justin: Turns my Mage Hand invisible and allows it to perform stealthy actions including pickpocketing, sleight of hand, or other acts of remote legerdemain. For these checks, use your arcana score, not your stealth score. Travis: Ooh.

Justin: Now, and it’s not mentioned here, does this have a… I’m guessing? Was it intended to have like, a once a day refresh on it, or? Is it just whenever?

Griffin: Um, no. This just, this—this permanently augments the Mage Hand spell. So this is actually—I stole this from the book, this is an item that I came up with. There is a rogue archetype called the arcane trickster. And the—it’s so fuckin’ cool, I’ve been messin’ around with that fifth edition app and like, looking at all the different builds that you can make. And the arcane trickster rogue can’t do a lot of the stuff that rogues can do, but it can cast some spells.

And one of the, like, benefits it gets is it knows Mage Hand no matter what and it can turn its Mage Hand invisible and use it to… pickpocket from somebody, or it can use it to put something in somebody’s pocket. And it does it with mage hand, but it’s not like an instant success? You just—you still have to make a check to do those things, it just gives you some more things that you can do with Mage Hand. And I know this sounds like a powerful thing, but it’s also the most expensive thing on the menu, so.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: Uh-huh?

Griffin: And that’s it.

Travis: I think I’m gonna g…

Justin: That makes, that’s 17 so I have 300 leftover to throw into the pool.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Okay, there’s now 2000 gold in the pool, so you guys...

Travis: I’m gonna also grab the Tarantula’s Bracelet?

Griffin: Sick.

Travis: Once per day, bestows Spider Climb on the wearer for ten minutes and renders his movements while moving completely silent, granting him advantage on stealth rolls.

Griffin: I meant—um, his movements while climbing, yeah.

Travis: While climbing? Yeah, thought that might be the case.

Griffin: I wanna be explicitly clear. There’s no web-slinging.

Travis: Gotcha.

Griffin: You will sling no webs, but you will slime—you will climb, and slime, just like a spider can.

Clint: With great responsibility.

Griffin: Yes. Let me run down some of the other stuff we got. There’s Mystery Powder, which was sent in by Bryan Mellabianacus, yeah, that felt good. Sent it in, thank you. It’s a bag of powder that has one charge that refills once per day, it’s a bag that refills with this powder and when used on a target, whether friend or foe, you roll one d100 and have the effect chosen from the wild surge table from the wild sorcerer part of the player’s handbook. So there’s a sorcerer class and one of its, like, paths is wild sorcery and there’s a big table full of, like, weird effects you can do, like your skin turns blue or you grow in size by one size or something.

Travis: Yeah, but I don’t have a d100.

Griffin: That is a good point. There’s some way to fake it, like you roll a d10 and…

Travis: I could just buy it and support the flailing dice industry.

Griffin: Well, you roll two d10 and the first number’s the first digit and the second number’s the second digit, that’s how you do d100.

Travis: Oh, I guess that too.

Clint: I really wanna buy the Strongmouse laughing amulet, just so we can use it once.

Griffin: Now the comedic pressure on Strongmouse’s laughing amulet, sent in by William Hughes—

Clint: I wanna do it! I’m—I'm—I—

Travis: What’s it do?

Griffin: So, it is, uh, this is actually a great description. This is one of my favorite ones in this batch. Tradit—

Clint: May I? May I read it?

Griffin: Yeah, please, go ahead.

Clint: Traditionally worn by high priests of the boisterous and jovial smiling god, the amulet carries the image of a stylized human face, mouth open in laughter. And whenever a foe is defeated, the wearer may activate the amulet by tapping it twice and then delivering the best taunting joke or victorious one-liner applicable to the current situation. If the jest pleases Strongmouse, which is to say, if the DM thinks it’s funny enough, he rewards the adventurer by recharging up to 1 d10 + CON HP. [gasp] But Strongmouse is a fickle god. Jokes that fail are punished with a small bolt of lightning, dealing 1d6 lightning damage per failure.

Griffin: This means that if you’re wear—

Justin: I didn’t hear the name of it? Is it called the Clint McElroy suicide?

Griffin: [cackling]

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: Yeah, you know what?

Clint: I’m up to it!

Travis: That’s from William Hughes. That’s William Hughes. Dad?

Clint: I see this as a challenge. I see this as William Hughes…

Travis: Clinton McElroy?

Clint: … challenging me personally.

Travis: If you’re gonna buy this with money out of the pool, I’m gonna put a restriction on it and say that you gotta really try your best. And if you phone it in and make a joke out of getting struck by lightning…

Griffin: Oh no, homie, if—

Travis: … you have to hand it over to me and Justin.

Clint: I wouldn’t!

Griffin: Understand, if you buy this thing? My expectation for the one-liners in this game is gonna become just way more stringent. I’m going—I’m—it’s gonna take a lot more for me—for you to get a chucklebuster outta me.

Clint: I don’t care! I’m up for it! If you don’t want me to, I won’t get it, but I just…

Griffin: No, I think it’s hysterical.

Justin: Yeah, you should.

Travis: Justin, I’m looking at the Champion’s Belt? Which is another 800.

Justin: Yeah. Yeah, I think that that would be—I—I didn’t really have my eye on anything else so if you wanted to grab it.

Travis: But there’s 800 left if there’s anything else you want.

Justin: You know what? I might go ahead and get, from Bianca Rodriguez, the No-Sodium Salt Shaker. It’s a salt shaker you can put on, uh, food that turns pink if it contains poison.

Travis: I like that.

Justin: It seems like that…

Travis: Yeah, you know what? Let’s do that and then we’ll take two… healing potions.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: And you know what? And the Haunted Doll. And that’s gonna take us even.

Clint: You know with my big amulet and my glasses, I’m gonna look like the guy that sang the Humpty Dance.

Travis: Yeah, exactly like, uh.

Griffin: Mister Humpty.

Travis: Thank you. Senior Humpty.

Griffin: I’m gonna add—I’m gonna add a modifier to the No-Sodium Salt Shaker that it actually also makes food just taste really good. It’s just like a delicious spice.

Clint: Aw.

Justin: Aw, cool.

Travis: Um, Ditto, can I throw just a regular old rapier in there, too?

Griffin: Uh, sounds like you’re gonna go—

Garfield: —over your budget, which means it sounds like it’s time to deal with me! Garfield the Deals Warlock!

Justin: [groaning] Oh, no.

Travis: Oh, no!

Garfield: Sorry, I was back in the stockroom while you boys were perusing my aisles! I'm glad I caught you before you go! I have something important to ask you.
Magnus: Yeah?
Taako: [unhappy] What is it?
Garfield: [quietly] You like deals?

Clint: [laughing]

Garfield: Let’s see how we can squeeze this rapier into the mix. Magnus, perhaps you’d like to give me a little bit more blood on some object that you have?

Travis: Oh, God, was there blood on a thing?

Griffin: You signed a shield in blood that you gave to him once.

Travis: Oh, I did do that, didn’t I?

Garfield: You dirty nasty boy! I love it!
Magnus: You—you can have my old chest armor.
Garfield: What even was it?
Magnus: I don’t know! Platemail, I think?
Garfield: This smells like you sweated in this a lot!
Magnus: So much. It’s, uh, that’s a Burnside family thing.
Garfield: [quietly] Add some blood to the mix, maybe I’d think about it.
Magnus: How much blood?
Garfield: A good amount.
Magnus: Ugh. For 25 gold?

Griffin: If you—

Clint: Flip it over and look at it because on the inside is the name Thomas Kinkade, so it’s probably a collector’s item.

Garfield: This, yes, this seems—this seems very valuable! I'll have to hammer out the… weird nipples that you have.

Clint: [laughing]

Magnus: No, that’s a dealbreaker, Garfield.
Merle: Those came around naturally!
Garfield: Why do you care whether or not it’ll have nipples on it?
Magnus: Because it’s an artistic piece as much as it is functional!
Garfield: You give me a little bit of blood on this thing and I'll be good to go.

Clint: [laughing]

Magnus: Alright, done, here’s a little bit of blood.
Garfield: Uh, oh, I'll get it.

Griffin: He—he—he gets a weird black dagger with a bone on it.

Garfield: Let’s use mine!
Magnus: Oh, god!

Griffin: Okay, he pricks your finger with the knife. And rubs it on the chestplate and hands you a rapier in return.

Garfield: Pleasure doing business with you!
Magnus: That seems an awful lot for a 25 gold piece rapier, I'm just saying.
Garfield: It’s just blood, homie.
Magnus: Doesn’t grow back.

Griffin: Let’s level up real quick.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, who wants to go first? We’re gettin’ up to level 10 from that last adventure.

Travis: I—

Clint: I will, I will. I have to buy something.

Griffin: Okay, what does it say?

Clint: It says…

Griffin: Wait, does it say, like, pay 2.99 if you wanna level up?

Clint: Fifth edition character sheet premium version…

Griffin: [laughing]

Clint: … completely ad-free, automatic character leveler, 1 through 20, purchase now!

Griffin: [still laughing]

Travis: Whoops!

Griffin: This is, okay. This is a good application and I think that’s a good usage of some dollars, but if you want, we can—we can do that later and I can just sort of walk you through what you will be doing in the app. Justin, are you okay with spendi—’cause it’s your iPad. Are you okay with spending…

Justin: No, it’s linked to dad’s account, so.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Justin: So yeah, go ahead, Trav.

Travis: Okay, so, in practical sense, in real world terms, I'm multi-classing now.

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: Which was the training with Carey.

Griffin: Which we have talked—which we have talked about. And I've given you explicit permission to do ‘cause we figured out how to do it story-wise.

Travis: Yeah, so basically, I'm now a level 8 fighter and a level 2 rogue.

Griffin: Which I think makes sense for Magnus, ‘cause you do—you’re protecting, guarding, but you also do—you’re kind of a nasty boy out on that battlefield.

Travis: Yeah. Yeah. Um, and it… it brings with it a couple of fun new things. The one I really like is Thieves’ Cant.

Griffin: So what is that? It’s like a secret language?

Travis: It’s like a—yeah, it’s like a secret language, which is also like secret writing and symbol language, too. That if you talk to somebody or write symbols to somebody who understands Thieves’ Cant, they’d understand it. What I found interesting is the book described it as “taking twice as long as normal”, so I don’t know what that means? How that translates in mechanics of, like, if I were in the real world using Thieves’ Cant? When people are just like, “this seems like it’s taking forever!” Like—

Griffin: [slowly] Hey dawg, steal any good shit?

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, I think that’s it.

Travis: ‘Cause I think it’s supposed to be, like, snuck into your language so that people wouldn’t realize you were doing it?

Griffin: Yeah, and I also think it’s also mostly written? Like, the secret written language of… thieves as well? Alright, I'm into that.

Travis: It also comes with Sneak Attack, which basically, when I make an attack, if I have advantage or if someone is flanking them with me, and that person who is flanking is not unconscious or anything…

Griffin: Right, that would—you would get advantage under that situation anyway.

Travis: Yeah, that—I, if I'm using a finesse weapon or a ranged weapon, I add 1d6 damage on the attack.

Griffin: Right, so that’s what the rapier’s for and also that number, I assume will go up. So, I like how that actually balances out a lot? Like, it’s a different weapon for a different situation.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: ‘Cause you wouldn’t use your rapier normally, it’s not as powerful as Railsplitter is, unless you can get the sneaky sneaky drop on it. So you really will be playing both roles, I like that a lot actually.

Travis: Um, I also have Cunning Action? Which is once per turn, I can take a bonus action and either dash, disengage or hide.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: It also in—uh, multi-classing, allowed me to be proficient in another skill, one of four or one of the thieves rogue skills?

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I went with Stealth. And also gave me a set of thieves’ tools.

Griffin: That’s neat.

Travis: And one of the things you get to do as a first level rogue is pick either two of your skills or one skill and your thieves’ tools and be double proficient in them, it’s called Expertise.

Griffin: Okay, cool.

Travis: So I get a +10 on stealth checks.

Griffin: Jesus!

Travis: Yeah, and I'm doubly proficient with thieves’ tools—if I'm doing it correctly.

Griffin: If we’re doing this, if we’re not doing this right, this is actually one of those situations, most of the time, like, Circle of Healing takes ten minutes to cast, I don’t wanna hear it. I actually do wanna know if we have fundamentally fucked up Travis’s shit.

Travis: Yeah. I—I was googling the shit out of expertise to find out if it was the kinda thing that stacked, but, like, I couldn’t find it, so.

Griffin: Multi—multi-classing I think is inherently—it’s cool but it’s inherently very complicated, but if you’re… if, if just being a straight up-and-down fighter, if there’s not enough cool utility stuff there, which I totally get, um—I think you should be able to do it.

Travis: I also realized from going back and listening to other episodes and doing research into the multi-classing, that when I'm holding my shield, I should be adding +2 to my AC and it should be 20, which I haven’t been doing. Um, so, that’s another thing to keep in mind. If I'm holding the rapier and the shield, I don’t do as much damage, but I can withstand a lot more damage, so.

Griffin: Sure. Okay.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Okay, I bought the app.

Griffin: [giggling] Well done!

Clint: Thank you.

Griffin: Were you getting like, fucking Candy Crush ads while we were playing D&D?

Clint: [dice roll] No.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I don’t think there’s anything else - oh oh oh! I take that back. One more thing with multi-classing is even though I’m only a level 8 fighter and a level 2 rogue, it still counts as a level 10 character.

Griffin: Yeah, that makes sense.

Travis: So my proficiency bonus went from plus 3 to plus 4.

Griffin: Okay! Dig it. And start thinking about a new name for this hybrid class you’re playing that I can sort of offhandedly refer to. I understand that it’s two different sets of levels, but I feel like a combined class name would be very handy.

Travis: I’m gonna say Bouncer.

Griffin: [silence] We can work on it. [laughs]

Travis: Bruiser?

Justin: [crosstalk] Sellsword?

Travis: Ooh, I like that! Mercenary! I think Mercenary is a good way to go. I’m strong - and also a little bit sneaky.

Griffin: What about a Ruffboi? Ruffboi’s it--we’ve found it guys, it’s Ruffboi.

Travis: Oh, okay.

Griffin: I just wrote it down.

Travis: Is it R-U-F-F B-O-I?

Griffin: It absolutely is R-U-F-F B-O-I. Alright, who else is leveling up?

Clint: Well, I did. Do I need to tell you?

Griffin: Yeah, tell me what you did. Did you get any new big things of consequence? I trust that the app - you got some more HP, by the way Travis, get your extra HP.

Travis: Yeah, I did, I’m up to 90 now.

Griffin: Alright, make sure that you roll the hit dice on the rogue side when you level up as a rogue?

Travis: I did, you get 1d8 instead of 1d10 when you level up as a rogue.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Gotcha, gotcha. Did you get anything cool, daddy? Okay, I’m looking, it doesn’t seem like you got - it seems like you kinda just got-

Travis: [crosstalk] The proficiency bonus goes up, everybody’s does.

Justin: Yeah, you’re - he did that -

Clint: [crosstalk] I’m plus 4.

Justin: - he did that automagically. Dad doesn’t have like, classes of tutelage as I do, right?

Griffin: You did get some new spells, at level 9 you got Insect Plague and Tree Stride. Yeah, your proficiency bonus went up to 4, so that’s gonna affect more or less all of your rolls, which is good. You should have a new cantrip, and also you can now cast level 5 spells, fifth level spells. Beginning at 10th level, you can call on your deity to intervene on your behalf when your need is great. Imploring you deity’s aid requires you to use your action, describe the assistance you seek, and roll percentile dice - that’s 2d10. If you roll a number equal to or lower then your cleric level, your deity intervenes.

The DM chooses the nature of the intervention, the effect of any cleric spell or cleric domain spell would be appropriate. If your deity intervenes, you can’t use this feature again for a week, otherwise you can use it again after you finish a long rest. So, you would have to roll a - you would have to roll a 10 or below on 2d10, which would be pretty tricky - but then again, you are asking for -

Travis: [crosstalk] You got a 50/50 shot.

Griffin: No. You have a -

Justin: [crosstalk] 25%.

Griffin: You have a 10% chance. Wow guys.

Travis: Wait. You have to roll less than d10 on 2d10.

Griffin: 2d10 - the first number being the first digit, and the second number being the second digit.

Travis: Oh, gotcha, I thought you meant add ‘em together.

Griffin: No, that’s a percentile dice. We’ve never had to fuck with percentile dice before, but that’s how that works. I think? So yeah, you can roll 2d10, and if you get lower than 10, then you can make Pan do something for ya.

Travis: Like help you move!

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: That seems, uh, poor use.

Travis: I don’t know, you ever moved?

Clint: [crosstalk] Alright, cool!

Griffin: [crosstalk] So you got a bunch of new spells, you got the ability to cast stronger spells, and you can now ask Pan for direct favors. We can even retcon and say that’s what happened at the end of the last chapter, with the guy with the leaves.

Travis: [crosstalk] Do a little fast forward, that’s cool.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: That was when you - that was when you leveled up. Uh, Taako.

Justin: Yes, uh, so - on the less exciting end of things, my proficiency bonus is also up to 4, I have uh the D... I’m up to 57 hit points.

Griffin: See that - that sounds good to me.

Justin: Yeah, that’s a--I can take a couple of tasty, tasty hits. Um, my- I have a new ability to cast Polymorph, because of my school of transmutation. I can cast Polymorph for free, once per day, that’s the shape changer feature of my tutelage in transmutation.

Griffin: So you shape change into - I’m reading this now, when you do so, you can target only yourself, and transform into a beast whose challenge rating is 1 or lower. That’s some druid shit, I didn’t know you could do that.

Justin: Yeah, yeah.

Griffin: So Taako can now--

Travis: [crosstalk] You can animorph?

Griffin: He can animorph!

Travis: You’re an animorph now?

Justin: I’m an animorph.

Travis: Don’t fucking stay in the hawk too long, Tobias!

Griffin: That is important, a lot of people stay in the hawk too long.

Travis: Don’t stay in the hawk too long, Tobias!

Justin: Yeah, but that’s my stuff.

Griffin: That’s cool, and you got extra health. Okay! Wow, that was a big - that was a big level up sesh!

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah.

Griffin: A lot of people got some cool shit. Alright, well thanks for -

Justin: [crosstalk] And I’m ready for whatever’s next.

Griffin: You’re not ready, you guys wanna little preview of what it is?

["Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson, fades in.]

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: What’s new in the next campaign arc?

Clint: Yeah, what do you got big boy?

Griffin: [pause] I’m still figuring it out!

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: [imitating the ending music] Boo du loo, boo do loo, boo do loo!

{"Déjà Vu" plays into the Maximum Fun outro, 1:30:42-1:31:20 }

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