Balance – Episode 40: Lunar Interlude III: Rest & Relaxation

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What kind of nasty things do our boys get into betwixt adventures? I'm almost afraid to find out in... The Adventure Zone!

—The Announcer

"Lunar Interlude III: Rest & Relaxation," as it appears on the MaximumFun website, is the 40th episode of The Adventure Zone: Balance.

Synopsisedit | hide all | hide | edit source

Full transcript available here.

That last adventure was a tough one. Our heroes have earned some time off -- both from mortal danger, and from each other. But how do adventurers spend their downtime between jobs? Also, what's hot and fresh at the bakery counter of the Fantasy Costco? Magnus considers a change in careers. Merle dishes out some beard-centric philosophy. Taako takes on a pupil.

It's been a few weeks since the Tres Horny Boys' Crystal Kingdom mission, and the boys have decided to have themselves some well-deserved R&R. Off-screen, Griffin has had each player decide which NPC they'd like their PCs to hang out with during the episode:

Let's see how it goes.

Interlude Activitiesedit | hide | edit source

Magnusedit | hide | edit source

Magnus walks into the private training moonbase dojo of Killian, Carey, and the new regulator team recruit, NO-3113, where the three of them are doing some pretty impressive acrobatic maneuvers, as well as teaching NO-3113 these maneuvers.

GRIFFIN : Every once in awhile Killian will shout, uhh, “Orange Eleven”! Or, that's not her voice,
KILLIAN : Orange Eleven!
GRIFFIN : And then, uh-
TRAVIS : Did you accidentally do a character voice when the character voice is your voice?
GRIFFIN : [interrupting] Is my own, yeah.

They see Magnus walk in, and Killian calls for a stop to their practice sesh. She throws the other girls some towels, with NO-3113 commenting that she doesn't need one because she's a robot, and Carey asks Magnus what's up. Magnus apologizes for interrupting, and asks Carey if she can talk to him in private. A now nervous Carey tells the others to take-ten, and Killian and NO-3113 waltz out of the room.

MAGNUS : I don't, okay, I don't know how to say this. Um, so, in the lab, um...
CAREY : Yeah?
MAGNUS : I, I really liked your moves! I thought, I- you, uh-
CAREY : Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, Mag, because... you're a good dude, and I had a lot of fun in that crystal kingdom, killing a bunch of robots with you, but I, uh, you're not really my... cup a’ tea, um, so to speak.
MAGNUS : OH! No, no.
MAGNUS : No, no no no no no no, no! No. I want you to train me.
CAREY: What do you mean? Like, in the ways of love?

He explains that seeing her dance and move through the battles in Lucas' Lab made him want to be more precise and smart in his fighting, and that's why he wants her to train him in the art of thieving. Carey tells Magnus that she's ready to train him, but asks if he's ready to be trained.

CAREY : That was the first test, you passed it.
MAGNUS : Yeah!

Griffin has Travis roll a Persuasion check to see if Carey will want something from Magnus in return, and Travis rolls a 4. Due to this, Carey asks that Magnus teach her a little something else on the side. In a platonic sense. She wants Magnus to teach her some carpentry, and also wants him to craft a present for a certain person.

MAGNUS : Tell me about this person. I like to craft the thing specifically for the person.
CAREY : [embarrased] She- She’s super big,
MAGNUS : Ah-huh.
CAREY : I-it’s Killian.
MAGNUS : Okay. Yep! Great great great.

Carey tells Magnus that Killian is a fan of ducks, so Magnus comes up with the idea of gifting her a puzzlebox shaped like a duck. Carey is over the moon for this idea, and says that she might just teach him some extra thieving moves just for coming up with it. On a roll, Magnus suggests that, if they butter him up a bit, they can get Taako to enchant it so that it quacks when it's solved.

MAGNUS: I know, it’s pretty good!
CAREY: Bazinga!
MAGNUS: Everyone's gonna want one.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks, Carey takes some time out of her regulator training schedule to teach Magnus some of the thieving arts. Begin concurrent montage of Magnus learning the ways of the thief, and Carey learning the ways of the carpenter!

Carey carves a wooden duck, but it’s more of just sort of a ball, with a face but no neck.

CAREY: I know this isn’t my best.
TRAVIS: And it’s just a shot of - as music plays - of Magnus putting his head down and shaking his head back and forth.

Magnus and Carey are sitting cross-legged in the private Regulator dojo, with Carey holding a bean in her right hand. Carey instructs him to try to take the bean out of her hand, and before she can even finish her sentence, Magnus, who rolled a 21 on his Sleight of Hand check, snatches it away from her. Carey congratulates Magnus on passing the test and holds up her left hand to show that she took his wallet while he wasn't looking.

CAREY: Haha! That was lesson number two. Being speedy is really important, but so is whipping up a good distraction from time to time.
MAGNUS: You got me.
CAREY: I need that bean back.
MAGNUS: I need my wallet back. [beat] Same time?
CAREY: One, two...

A few days later, in the same montage, Carey is walking in circles around the dojo as Magnus prowls through the shadows, having been challenged to pick her pockets. Magnus rolls 21 on his Stealth check and is able to sneak up behind her and walk in step with her without her noticing. Magnus rolls 15 on his Sleight of Hand check, and reaches into Carey's pockets, only to pull out a smoke bomb that explodes in his face.

CAREY : That’s lesson three, homie. Gotta always carry a smoke bomb, smoke bombs are great.
MAGNUS : B-but hold on now Carey, I did do the thing, I did pick your pocket, that’s just mean. That’s just -
CAREY : That’s that basic! Those are the basics!
MAGNUS : So rule number three is “always be aware that when you’re picking someone's pocket they might be a dick”.
CAREY: It’s a good thing to remember, there could be pudd- [Travis laughs] they could have just loose pudding in there! And then you put your hand back and -
MAGNUS : Who walks around with loose pudding, Carey?
CAREY : Taako definitely, I’ve - I’ve had some of his pocket pudding before.
MAGNUS : Okay. Yep, okay. Y’know, Asked and answered.

A couple days later, Magnus and Carey having a straight-up bare-knuckled, no weapons, fisticuffs fight. Magnus tries to punch Carey, but she dodges out of way, grabs his arm, and jujitsu flips him directly onto his face and wiener. Carey apologizes, saying she was only supposed to dodge but her reflexes got the better of her. She asks about Magnus' scar, and Magnus tells her he got it while he was drunk and in a fight.

CAREY: That’s the biggest thing for you, like, not getting hit is like, the whole job. I think that’s gonna be the hardest thing for you, Magnus, you’ve always struck me as the big brash guy always willing to take the big hits so somebody else doesn’t have to. T-there may be a time where you aren’t able to do that, if you really wanna pursue this lifestyle.
MAGNUS : When I can’t protect someone --
CAREY: [interrupting] When you don’t take the big hit, and let somebody else do it. You’re surrounded by pretty strong people, you don’t gotta be the damage sponge all the time, you know?
MAGNUS : Yeah, but like. I-I don’t wanna lose Merle and Taako.
CAREY: Yeah. Yeah, they’re pretty good. I guess I understand what you’re saying. Hey, you know what? I think I learned a little bit of something else from you, too.
MAGNUS : Making a duck?
CAREY: No, I think duck-making is probably beyond my capabilities.
MAGNUS : No, you’re doing great, it’s really coming along!
CAREY : Don’t you bullshit me.
GRIFFIN : She holds up a duck, but it’s got two asses. No head this time.
CAREY : I flipped the thing upside down accidentally while I was mid carve.
MAGNUS : A lot of people would prefer that version!

Magnus spends the next few weeks learning more from Carey, and, before he knows it, is ready to "graduate". Carey holds a little impromptu graduation ceremony for him, where Magnus has to actually steal his diploma, and, at the end of it all, Carey also makes her enchanted wooden duck box, with a little bit of help from Magnus on the head part. Carey tells Magnus that she's had a pretty great time hanging out with these last couple weeks, and rewards him a leather pouch containing some lockpicks and various other thieves tools. Carey explains that this is the first thieves kit she bought when she first became a thief. Magnus tells Carey that he also has a present for her, and pulls out a wooden ring with a rose on top that he carved out of rosewood.

MAGNUS : I made you this, I had to guess at the size, but I think this would fit Killian. If you would like to put it in the box, for her, it’s completely up to you, I won’t say a word.
CAREY: That’s a real sweet thought.
GRIFFIN : She says,
CAREY : Hey. High five me. Right now.
MAGNUS : High five! [high five sound]

Merleedit | hide | edit source

Merle has been off duty due to being on injured leave after all the trauma he went through in the last arc, which Griffin sincerely apologizes for. Because of this, he has been granted an all-expense paid weekend long spa resort visit!

CLINT : Sssshut up!
GRIFFIN : Yeah, congratulations.

Merle has also decided to bring Lucretia along for the trip, shocking everyone at the Bureau. Cut to the middle of the spa trip, where things are getting a bit uncomfortable between the two, seeing as she's his boss and all. Both are sitting in separate mud baths, with Merle's tree arm sitting in its own potted mud bath, and, after some awkward silence, The Director decides to break the silence. Lucretia thanks Merle for thinking of her, but is curious as to why he specifically chose to take her. Merle explains that he feels the two of them haven't hit it off very well, even though the two of them have a lot in common, being the oldest two people working for the Bureau.

MERLE : I mean, you’re still much younger then me, but, you know.
DIRECTOR : Well, thank you for that.

Merle tells her that he's a man who can read women pretty well, and, just from seeing, he knew the Director was a lady who needed a break and a friend, so he figured he could be her friend and give her a break at the same time. Lucretia tells him that she appreciates the thought, and that tries not to be cold and distant, just professional.

DIRECTOR : I wish I could, you know, go on adventures and - eat macaroons all night long and gab about--
MERLE : Macaroons [mak-ə-roon] or macarons [mah-kə-rohn]? Cause I really love the macarons. You know, there’s a difference!
DIRECTOR : Is that what you call macaroni?
MERLE : [laughs] No no no. Macarons are like the cookies, but they’ve got a little icing in the middle. Mhm!
DIRECTOR : T-this has been pretty confusing so far.

Lucretia changes the subject and tells Merle she is interested in learning more about him. She asks him about his irreverent attitude towards everything life throws at him, and Merle tells her it mostly comes from a place of insecurity, mainly about his appearance, height, and the fact that he has only one damn arm now. He also figures, hey, we're not getting out of this life alive anyway, so why not enjoy the process. Lucretia takes a big gulp from the giant glass of wine she's been holding and asks how Merle can be so lighthearted about these sort of things and still be a man of the cloth.

Merle explains that he's never been a traditional man of the cloth, seeing himself as more like Gene Hackman's role in The Poseidon Adventure, "a priest who curses a lot and really doesn’t get himself tied down." Lucretia wonders how Merle can still keep his faith after seeing so many existentially horrifying things in his life, and he answers that it's important to keep an open mind and embody the ideals of his religion.

DIRECTOR : So how did you settle on Pan as your patron deity? Is there a story there?
MERLE : Cool beard. Pans got a cool beard, like a goatee kind of beard-
DIRECTOR : That’s, sorry. You’ve based your sort of theology and life direction on a--
MERLE : On a beard. Yeah. Yeah! And you know, the cloven hooves are kinda cool. I’m a very shallow person, Director. I’m as shallow as a mud puddle. But you know, cool beard, hairy legs. I have hairy legs, I want my beard to be cool.
DIRECTOR : I see. There’s some synergy there.
MERLE : There is. There’s a connection there. I grok Pan.

Merle tells her that, in his childhood, the Pannites would come around with their literature and their contemporary Pan songs. He would go Pan camps, where kids went to learn about Pan and socialize with each other, where there were pipe playing and cavorting, and before he even knew it, he was learning more about him, and, boom bing boom, he's wearing the collar, except he doesn't really wear a collar.


I guess… I’m jealous, in a way. I wish I could have this sort of, comfort, that your deity brings you, that your faith in Pan brings to you. But I don’t think, I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to make that leap.

MERLE : It’s kind of, well, lemme tell you something. It’s pretty much a one way street. [Griffin laughs] Old Pan, I don’t think he really cares. Doesn’t really give a shit whether or not I’m his buddy or not. It’s all about how it makes me feel.
GRIFFIN : You hear [sound of fingers being tapped on a table] and she says,
DIRECTOR : Oh I don’t- I don’t know about that.
GRIFFIN : And you look over, and your wooden arm is sort of impatiently tapping its fingers on the side of the tub.
MERLE : Oh. Well, maybe Pan does give a shit.

Merle decides to give Lucretia some life advice, and tells her that his feelings on his faith are this: "If my faith and believing in Pan helps me get through the tough times, hey! What’s the harm? If it helps me get through stressful things and helps me get past all the goo and the blegh and all the blood and stuff, hey! Works to my advantage." Lucretia downs the rest of her wine and tells Merle that she appreciates him telling her more about himself. She explains that most of her life has been dedicated to the study, and service of other people's discoveries and adventures, but, one day, she made the decision to stop championing other people's heroism and to take the direction of her life into her own hands. 

DIRECTOR : And, I lost dear, dear friends because of that decision, but it was the only one to make. So, I-I admire your faith Merle, I-I do, but I think I’m done waiting on anyone to fix my problems for me.
MERLE : Oh no, Pan doesn’t fix problems! Let’s take a look at the stub where my arm used to be, I think it’s more problem causing. But hey! [sound of fingers tapping] Yeah, yeah! But you gotta stand for something, or you’re gonna fall for anything. So listen! You have got faith: it’s faith, in you.
DIRECTOR : I guess that’s a good way of putting it. Let's get some more booze up in here.
GRIFFIN : YEAH, let’s do that! Here, lemme pour that for ya. Glug glug glug glug glug glug! What is this by the way? What's this purple shit you’re drinking?
DIRECTOR : Grape juice.
MERLE : Oh. How old is it?
DIRECTOR : 125 years old.
MERLE : You know, there's a name for grape juice that that’s 120-something years old!
DIRECTOR : That was what my jokes sound like.
MERLE : Yeah, we’re gonna- We’re gonna work on that.

Taakoedit | hide | edit source

Taako has decided that he'll be spending his downtime mentoring Angus in the ways of magic, a character choice that surprises Griffin, after he showed some interest in it in the last episode.

JUSTIN : Yes. I feel guilty about the whole silverware--
GRIFFIN : [interrupting] About all of just this, oh just the silverware, not like the constant ceaseless bullying of this ten year old.
JUSTIN : That’s kind of like, fun ribbing. Just like, two equals ribbing each other. I don’t feel particularly guilty about that, no, I feel a little guilty about stealing his family's silverware and lying about it.
GRIFFIN : And pawning it off, for like, I think you bought like a soda pop with it. [Justin laughs]
JUSTIN : Nothing! I did nothing with it. In the grand scheme of our adventures, it was not a lot of money.
GRIFFIN : Yeah, okay, that’s fair.

Cut to mid-afternoon in the Bureau's cafeteria. In prances the boy detective himself, looking his Sunday best and holding a little dinky wand he got from solving mysteries for Leon.

ANGUS : Hello sir! It’s magic day! It’s magic day!
TAAKO : I suppose, I’m already regretting this.

Taako tells Angus to tone it down, and Angus asks what spells they'll be learning today. Taako replies that today isn't about learning spells, it's about the spells he won't learn. He asks Angus how many spells he doesn't know, and Angus tells him that, even though he's studied all about the principles of arcane interaction and the different schools of magic and how they behave, he "just can't seem to get the dang magic to come out" of his wand. Taako tells him that this his first problem, as many budding wizards think they can just do magic the instant they get their wand, just like starting a car, but a wand is really just a conduit for the magic that has been inside you all along. Taako instructs Angus to put his wand down, which he nervously complies too, and tells him that he will be teaching him the spell Mage_Hand|Mage Hand, a cantrip that he feels should be easy for an up and coming beginner like him to learn. After about ten minutes of Angus standing with his open palms an inch apart, a small, twitching spectral hand with one finger appears and instantly falls to the ground.

ANGUS : Oh! Oh god!
TAAKO : Kill it! Kill it!
ANGUS : What did I make?
TAAKO : Angus, kill it! Dude, stab it with something!
GRIFFIN : He picks up a fork from the table and,
TAAKO : Stab it! Stab the hand with the fork, quick!
GRIFFIN : He stabs the hand with the fork and it dissipates back into smoke.

Angus is disappointed that the first spell he's ever conjured went so poorly, but Taako reassures him that he shouldn't be as he still managed to create something out of nothing, which is no small feat. This cheers Angus up a bit, and he asks Taako who taught him to do magic.

TAAKO: Uh, that. That’s a long story, I-I didn’t so much learn, I used to be a chef, um, a long time ago.
ANGUS : That’s right you made me those macaroons. Those tasted so good I ate it as a Candlenights treat for myself by myself in my room. [Taako lets out a pitiful aww] Yeah, I just cuddled up against the Candlenights bush, and there weren’t so many presents under mine but that’s okay. A-and I ate the macaroon and it was the highlight of my holiday.

Taako explains that he tried to learn transmutation magic so he could spice up his dishes a bit, feeling that it would impress people more. This went on for a couple more years until he eventually transmogrified one of his dishes into something you should never eat unless you wish to keep being alive. Unfortunately, a lot of people did eat this dish, and Taako has now sworn to never cook again, or at least not for people he actually cares about.

ANGUS : You did let me eat the macaroon.
TAAKO : [High pitched] I did! I did. Hmm… that must have been a lapse, you know what, in hindsight? That was a lapse of judgement. I was actually just really excited about making macaroons, and I’m fairly certain that I didn’t ummmmmm poison-
ANGUS : Didn’t goof that one!
TAAKO : Didn’t goof - didn’t goof that one up, as near as I can tell.

Taako and Angus spend the rest of the day conjuring up Mage Hands, all with a different number of fingers. Jump to the cafeteria a week and a half from now, where Angus is showing Taako the new spell he learned, Produce_Flame. Taako praises Angus and claims that if he keeps this up, he may just be able to surpass him in raw magical power one day.

ANGUS : T-that’s very kind of you to say, I hope--
JUSTIN : And I grab him by his lapels.
TAAKO : [low voice] And when that day comes, little man, oh when that day comes. I will summon whatever powers I still have at my disposal, that you have not siphoned away from me, and I will take all of my canning and all of my cunning and all arcana still within my reach, and I will use it to strike you down. Little man, don’t ever, EVER, again challenge my power. [beat] It’s a monologue I’m working on, Angus, sorry, that wasn’t actually directed at you. That’s from a one-man show I’m doing.
ANGUS : [nervous] O-oh okay, so that was just from your play acting then, sir.
TAAKO : You’re peeing your loincloth there Angus! I know you got a little suit. Peed Your Loincloth is the name of the show. You Peed Your Loincloth, it’s the name of the show I’m working on.
ANGUS : C-can I get tickets?
TAAKO : [laughs] Oh, can’t you just conjure them, Mr. Wizard? [Griffin laughs] Mr. Big Tough Magic Boy?
ANGUS : This is uh, kind of uncomfortable now.

Angus hands Taako a small cardboard box with a small ribbon around, which Angus undoes and opens to reveal some macaroons inside. Taako takes a bite out of one of the macaroons, only to find that, while the texture is fine, they are completely flavorless. Taako gives Angus some advice on how to make them better the next time he bakes macaroons, and Angus suggests that he cast Prestidigitation on them to make them taste better. Although reluctant to the idea at first, Taako eventually gives in and points his Umbra Staff at the macaroon box. Prestidigitation does not come out of the Staff, however, but, instead, Scorching Ray does, blasting the box into dust.

ANGUS : Well uh, okay, I can understand if you didn’t like them sir, but that’s all you had to say. You didn’t have to burn ‘em all up.
TAAKO : No, it’s - that’s not what I cast.

Scorching Ray continues to shoot out of the Staff and into a nearby wall, carving the words "L U P" into it in the process, before finally shutting down.

JUSTIN : Why? What does that - what is L U P?
GRIFFIN : Angus takes out a notebook and he says,
ANGUS : Sir, I appreciate the magic lessons, but it sounds like you’ve just given me a better gift. A new mystery to solve!
TAAKO : Awh fuck.

[Money Zone]

Fantasy Gashaponedit | hide | edit source

Having each collectively finished their respective hangout sessions, the boys head out to go cash in their tokens at the Fantasy Gachapon.

GRIFFIN : And as soon as you walk into the room, Leon just goes,
LEON : Aw, fuck. Aw, no.
MAGNUS : No, we’ve got it this time.
LEON : You’ve said that every time that you’ve come in here.
MAGNUS : Leon, look me in the eyeballs. I’ve got it.
TRAVIS : And I hand my token to Taako.
MAGNUS : He's gonna do it for me.
LEON: No, that’s not how it works.

Leon reaches into his robes and he pulls out three, shining, sparkling, wrapped, delicious-looking pieces of candy. Leon makes a deal with the boys that if they can put their tokens in right on the first try, they will each be rewarded their own piece of candy. Leon asks each of the players what their favorite candy is,

TRAVIS : Turkish delight.
CLINT : Marzipan! Marzipan!
LEON : And you, Taako?
TAAKO : Uh, I like Ferrero Rochers.
LEON : Oh, wouldn’t you just know it?

and he waves his hand over all three candies, magically transforming them into each of those candies. Now having the incentive to not mess up, Magnus puts his token into the Gashapon, and Travis rolls a 2. A fairly big capsule comes out, and inside is a very light piece of chest armor with a light grey feathered design. Magnus takes the armor over to Leon, who looks through his book to find that this is the:

  • Featherweight Curaiss: An interesting piece of armor that increases the wearer’s flexibility and mobility. Gives the wearer +3 on every acrobatics check.

Leon calls for the next person on the "candy train".

CLINT : I'll go ahead and go.
TAAKO : Who are you? I don’t recognize your voice.
MERLE : I'm diabetic Merle.
TAAKO : There we go, alright.
MERLE : Candy means nothing to me.
GRIFFIN : I don’t know if that’s a real character choice, it’s a real Clint choice. I'm not saying—hold on, I should backpedal, diabetes isn’t a choice.
TRAVIS : It’s a lifestyle.
JUSTIN : In dad’s case, it was more of a lifestyle.
CLINT : Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Krispy Kreme.

Merle puts his token into the Gashapon, and Clint rolls a 17. A small, ovular, and long capsule comes out, and inside it is some nerd-ass looking glasses. Leon flips through his book, and finds that these are:

  • Awareness Frames: Enhance the wearer’s ability to perceive the truth and see things previously unseen. The wearer gets +2 to both their perception and their investigation checks, as long as they're wearing them.

So close to being free from his torment, Leon pleads for Taako to put his token in correctly. Taako suddenly casts Blink and disappears into the ethereal plane. He reappears to where Leon is currently standing and switches the candy Leon is holding with his token.

GRIFFIN : He just looks at you in stunned silence. And just falls to the ground and curls up in a ball and releases your coin, which rolls across the floor and he just starts weeping on the floor. And he says,
LEON : [crying] We were so—we were so close to candy station!
TAAKO : [laughing] I'm already pullin’ in, bubbeleh.

Taako pops the Ferrero Rocher in his mouth, and puts the token into the Gashapon, with Justin rolling an 8. An average-sized capsule comes, and inside is a relatively plain-looking, wooden slingshot. Still lying on the ground, Leon flips through the book and points at one of the pages.

TRAVIS : And it says “fuck you.”
GRIFFIN : It says “fuck you, Taako.”

Not quite. It's actually the entry describing the:

  • Hole Thrower: Once per day, it can put a perfectly circular hole into any non-living, non-magical object or barrier. The user points the Hole Thrower at whatever they wanna put a hole in, then roll a d10 and the hole’s diameter and depth is that many feet, whatever they roll.

Leon tells the boys he's not gonna give up on them, and they head out to everyone's favorite retail shopping franchise.

Fantasy Costcoedit | hide | edit source

Fantasy Costco, where all your dreams come true!

Got a deal for you!

The boys appraise the bag of jewels they stole from Lucas' quarters, and throw some of the gold they get into the pool to buy the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword Of Doom, totaling the pool up to 1200 gold. New in stock are:

Item Description Price
Mathias, the Living Grimoire A clockwork owl that has been owned by dozens of different wizards throughout its lifespan and can now recite arcane knowledge on command. All arcana checks made by the player who owns this item gain advantage, in addition, the player can use this to prepare a spell they do not know once per day. This spell still takes up a spell slot of the spell’s level, so you can have a spell that you wouldn’t normally be able to learn and sort of have it live in this owl, but whenever you cast it, it does still burn one of your spell slots. 1300 gold
A mastiff
GRIFFIN: Nice try, but you know there’s no dogs on the moon.
TRAVIS: But I want it so bad.
A rapier Just a regular rapier. 25 gold
Mockingbird Gum A pack of gum that, when you chew it, allows you to emulate another person’s voice for an hour. 200 gold
Magnetic Charge A fist-sized glass ball with a blue button on top. Once the button is pressed, the ball will begin to glow and produce a magnetic field that lasts two rounds of combat. The field repels any metal objects within ten feet from the ball. Takes one day for enough charge to be built up to use. 900 gold
All-or-Nothing Coin Once per day when the user is supposed to roll a d20, instead of rolling a d20 they flip a coin. If it’s heads, it’s a critical hit and if it’s a tails, it’s a critical miss. 700 gold
Astral Shell A conch shell that allows the user to interrogate souls of recently dead. 1200 gold
Arcane Trickster's Glove Turns the spell Mage Hand invisible and allows it to perform stealthy actions including pickpocketing, sleight of hand, or other acts of remote legerdemain. For these checks, use your arcana score, not your stealth score. 1500 gold
Tarantula Bracelet Bestows Spider Climb on the wearer for ten minutes and renders their movements while moving completely silent, granting them advantage on stealth rolls. 800 gold
Mystery Powder A bag of powder that has one charge that refills once per day with this powder and when used on a target, whether friend or foe, the user rolls one d100 and have the effect chosen from the wild surge table from the wild sorcerer part of the player’s handbook. 800 gold
Strongmouse Laughing Amulet Traditionally worn by high priests of the boisterous and jovial smiling god, the amulet carries the image of a stylized human face, mouth open in laughter. And whenever a foe is defeated, the wearer may activate the amulet by tapping it twice and then delivering the best taunting joke or victorious one-liner applicable to the current situation. if the jest pleases Strongmouse, which is to say, if the DM thinks it’s funny enough, he rewards the adventurer by recharging up to 1 d10 + CON HP. But Strongmouse is a fickle god. Jokes that fail are punished with a small bolt of lightning, dealing 1d6 lightning damage per failure. 1200 gold

Taako grabs the Mockingbird Gum and the Arcane Trickster's Glove, and the puts the leftover gold into the money pool, totaling it up to 2000. Merle, who is feeling up for a challenge, buys the Strongmouse Laughing Amulet.

JUSTIN: I didn’t hear the name of it? Is it called the Clint McElroy suicide?

Magnus decides to splurge and he buys the Magnetic Charge, the Tarantula Bracelet, two health potions, the Haunted Doll, and the Champion's Belt. He throws in the regular old rapier for good measure, but this brings him over budget, which means--

GARFIELD: Which means it sounds like it’s time to deal with me! Garfield the Deals Warlock!
JUSTIN: [groaning] Oh, no.
TRAVIS: Oh, no!
GARFIELD : Sorry, I was back in the stockroom while you boys were perusing my aisles! I'm glad I caught you before you go! I have something important to ask you.
TAAKO : [unhappy] What is it?
GARFIELD : [quietly] You like deals?

Garfield tells Magnus that he's willing to part with the rapier if Magnus is willing to give him more of his blood on one of the objects he has. Magnus offers to put a little bit of his blood on his old plate mail, which Garfield accepts, despite the sweat and weird nipples crafted onto it. Garfield pulls out a black dagger with a bone serving as the blade and pricks Magnus' finger with it. He smears the blood onto the armor and gives Magnus the rapier in return.

GARFIELD: Pleasure doing business with you!
MAGNUS: That seems an awful lot for a 25 gold piece rapier, I'm just saying.
GARFIELD: It’s just blood, homie.
MAGNUS: Doesn’t grow back.

Character Managementedit | hide | edit source


  • Magnus is now a Level 8 Fighter and a Level 2 Rogue meaning he's Level 10!
    • New Abilities:
      • Thieves' Cant - The secret language of rogues, consisting of slang and innuendos. Used to communicate rogue activities, such as banditry, burglary, finding marks, and discussing loot.
      • Sneak Attack - When attacking with advantage while using a finesse weapon or a ranged weapon, add 1d6 damage on the attack.
      • Cunning Action - Once per turn, the player can take a bonus action and either dash, disengage or hide.
      • Expertise - The player chooses two of their skill proficiencies or one of their skill proficiencies and their proficiency with thieves’ tools. The player's proficiency bonus is doubled for any ability check they make that uses either of the chosen proficiencies.
    • HP: 90
    • Bonus:
      • Proficiency +4
  • Merle is now Level 10!
    • New Abilities:
      • Divine Intervention - The player can call on their deity to intervene on their behalf when the need is great. If the player rolls a number equal to or lower than their cleric level, their deity intervenes. The GM chooses the nature of the intervention; the effect of any cleric spell or cleric domain spell would be appropriate.
    • New Spells:
      • Can now cast 5th level spells.
      • Insect Plague
      • Tree Stride
    • Bonus:
      • Proficiency +4
  • Taako is now Level 10!
    • HP: 57
    • Spells
      • Polymorph
    • Bonus
      • Proficiency +4


Epilogueedit | hide | edit source

GRIFFIN : Wow, that was a big level up sesh! A lot of people got some cool shit. Alright, well thanks for -
JUSTIN : And I’m ready for whatever’s next.
GRIFFIN : You’re not ready, you guys wanna little preview of what it is?
TRAVIS : Yeah!
GRIFFIN : What’s new in the next campaign arc?
CLINT : Yeah, what do you got big boy?
GRIFFIN : [beat] I’m still figuring it out!
CLINT : [laughs]
JUSTIN : [imitating theme music] Boo du loo, boo do loo!

[Theme Music Plays]

The Money Zoneedit | hide | edit source

For Mike, Our Benevolent God of DM, from Mina, Jameson, Thoridin, Lamey, Rupert, and Also Named Ruperty, and Dan Halen: Hi fellow DM!  I'm also a DM! Happy birthday! We know it's hard DM-ing us, but you do it so well.  Remember when Lamey killed a girl; Thoridin took a nap instead of saving us from the dick cream shop; and Jameson tried to kill a dragon by putting on a Spyro costume? Thanks for being a benevolent DM. Please don't kill us. Love, the worst D&D players ever.

For Erica, 'round Seattle, from Zack, 'round 'Francisco: Saying goodbye to a longtime friend. The McElroys seemed like the best vehicle to deliver how sad I am to be leaving. Will miss our bad movie days more than I can possibly express. You're an awesome friend, and I hope by the power of the Interwebs that doesn't change. If you ever need to see a cat talk again, you're always welcome in Cali. 

For Cosmos Craig, from Mom and Dad: Hey Cosmos!  That's right, buddy, you just heard your name on the Adventure Zone podcast.  Why? Because your parents rock, of course! We couldn't get your name as a character because we have exactly zero interest in tweeting, but here it is on the podcast anyway. Cosmos Cosmos Cosmos. We hope when you are older you realize how cool we were for letting you-- [sic]

For Stephanie, from Dana: Thank you for the last few years of love, fun, and creativity. I'm so honored and lucky to be marrying you this October. I love you with all my heart. P.S. Let's get those wedding invitations for Travis, Griffin and Justin in the mail ASAP. 

Featured NPCsedit | hide | edit source

Featured Musicedit | hide | edit source

Featured Locationsedit | hide | edit source

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