Balance – Episode 39: The Crystal Kingdom: Chapter Eleven/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...

Director: Lucas, our scientific advisor, he’s found a Grand Relic. It’s the Philosopher’s Stone. We’re sending you in to detain and extract Lucas for his abuse of confidential information.
Lucas: I found it for my mother, Maureen.
Magnus: Is your mother the robot?
Lucas: Something went wrong.
Magnus: Yeah, okay.
Kravitz: Merle Highchurch. You have died fifty-seven times. Fifty-seven times. [background laughter]
Legion: Living ones! Permit us entry into this world.
Magnus: N-noooo?
Philosopher’s Stone: You don’t want the candies and sweets? Line your pockets, kid, you can buy all the candies and sweets you want–

Travis: I tap it with the Glutton's Fork and I swallow it.

[assorted giggling]

Griffin: What the fuck.

[everyone bursts into laughter]

Clint: I look at Legion and I cast Banishment.

Legion: NOOOOOO!
Announcer: But wait! They already killed the big skeleton thing. What else could be left in this arc? Two skeletons? It’s The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]

Griffin: The three of you, with your NPC associates, have solved my ghost robot riddle.

Travis: It’s time for orange slices and Hi-C.

Griffin: Everyone gets orange slices and Hi-C. Um, and those-- it’s not the battles that you’ve won and the puzzles that you’ve solved that are gonna allow you to level up later, it’s actually the orange slices and Hi-C.

[sound of someone opening a soda in the background]

Justin: Can I get Little Debbies and Hi-C?

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: I’d prefer Little Debbies, to--

Clint: You know that’s such, that’s such a misnomer because, Little Debbies- there’s hundreds of Little Debbies! Are you speaking specifically about the oatmeal cakes?

Justin: No, just like, any kind of--

Griffin: See you say that, but then you get a fuckin’ pecan roll, and you’re like [groans] aww!

Justin: --Little Debbie-ish--

Travis: I love that Dad just embodied Twitter in talking about Little Debbies.


Travis: “Uhh, excuse me. Hold on. Which Little Debbies?”

Justin: Quick round robin: Worst Little Debbie. Mine is Star Crunch.

Griffin: Umm, yeah. Star Crunch, you blink and you miss a Star Crunch.

Travis: That’s gonna be Cosmic Brownie!

Griffin: Oh.

Justin: Is the best?

Griffin: Is the best one.

Travis: No.

Griffin: So, the dust has settled from this big climactic battle, after Merle, with a little extra juice from Pan, banished Legion back to the astral plane. Um, by the way, the mirror that was in the middle of this room is still on top of you Magnus, which we need to resolve at some, but we’re hopping back in, literally just after this battle is finished, and there’s--

Magnus: [huffing] We did it!

[Clint wheezing]

Griffin: Uh–– Magnus has sex really quick I guess, um… [background laughter]

Travis: No, it’s on my lungs, the mirror’s on my lungs… [crosstalk]

Justin: Yucky.

Travis: It’s on my RPG lungs.

Griffin: That makes sense. Um, Noelle and Carey actually high five, um…

Travis: I’ve got Phantasthma!

Griffin: You’ve got what?

Travis: It’s like asthma, but it’s RPG asthma. Phantasthma.

Griffin: [laughing] Alri-i-ght. Uh. No, I really like that one, Trav.

Travis: [quietly] Thank you.

Clint: [crosstalk] ...I do too.

Griffin: And uh, you, uh, you all, almost simultaneously you hear, static, coming through your, uh, stones of farspeech! The static clears up, and you hear a voice through it say, like,

Director: Come in! Taako! Merle! Magnus! What’s- what’s going on? Carey, tell me, situation report! Have you secured the Philosopher’s-
Magnus: Go for Magnus!
Director: Have you secured the Philosopher’s Stone?
Magnus: Yes! Very secure.
Director: What are you--what’s going on? We lost contact with you for so long, what’s, what’s the situation?
Magnus: We went through a tunnel!
Taako: A crystal tunnel.
Director: I feel like you’re goofing on me. All that matters, did you, did, do, are you in possession of the Philosopher’s Stone?
Magnus: [triumphantly] Yes!
Taako: Oh, we– I– that’s putting it mildly.

[heavy laughter from Clint]

Magnus: It’s very… we’ve got it on lockdown.
Taako: We’re not in possession of the Philosopher’s Stone, we’re in digestion of the Philosopher’s Stone.

Travis: Uh-kaboom.

Director: ...I guess we’ll have to unpack what that means, but is everyone okay?
Magnus: It’s in my tummy!
Taako: Magnus ate it, yeah.
Merle: And he is gonna have to unpack…
Magnus: I-I ate it, I immediately regretted it, [small laugh] I consumed it.
Director: I imagine you had a good reason for doing so…
Magnus: [interrupting] Nope, I-I absolutely did not, it’s a, you know, heat of the moment, sometimes you eat a thing, and you’re like, “well I shouldn’t have eaten that,” like a dog, you know?
Taako: You get a bit in your mind, you think it’s gonna be a grand slam… you just gotta commit.
Magnus: Yeah! Exactly!
Director: I’m glad to hear that everyone’s safe, and that you’ve accomplished your mission. And Lucas, is he, uh, have you detained him?
Magnus: ...mmm… yeah, yeah, he’s not going anywhere fast.
Director: Okay, well bring him home, and, uh, uh, secure the Philosopher’s Stone, and return it to me as quick as you possibly can, I’m so-, I’m so happy to hear that everything went so well!
Magnus: Well…
Director: I was worried we were going to have another Phandalin situation on our hands.
Magnus: Uh, [stammering] Unfortunately, Director… Lucas is dead.
Director: … What?
Magnus: Yeah, we won’t be able to bring him home.

Travis: I-I wink at the robot mom.

Griffin: Umm… she can’t wink back, because she doesn’t have a traditional face, but the light, uh, in her tummy kind of, flickers very quickly. And she says,

Director: How did he die? That’s...
Magnus: He was killed by some kind of big scary skeletal thing, that we’ll tell you all about. But apparently he’d been messing not only with the Philosopher’s Stone, uh, but with the forces of nature that bind the universes together--
Director: Geez.
Magnus: And there’s some people, yeah! It was real messed up!
Taako: [Faintly] Scary!
Director: I mean, jeezy creezy.
Magnus: Yeah, juicy crust, y’all. It was, it was some heavy stuff. But he is super dead, so we won’t be able to bring– he was blasted to nothingness. He is ash.
Taako: We do have a robot we’d like to bring back though. Can we do that?
Magnus: She is super cool.
Taako: She’s the beeest!
Director: I guess, that would be... fine, um, why don’t you extract who you need to extract and we’ll, we’ll debrief once you return home. Be careful, getting back here, it’s, it’s uh, pretty snowy outside.
Magnus: Sounds good.

Griffin: You see, you actually see Maureen-bot, trying to tend to Lucas’s wounds. If you remember she did a critical first aid roll which actually, um, stabilized him, but he’s still, I mean he got lit up by these robo, by these robo lasers. Um, and her hands are kind of, kind of fucked up? Because she, smashed them to turn them into sort of makeshift, umm… shock-y paddles? Those have a name. Defibrillators. And she, she turns to all of you and says:

Maureen: I’m terribly sorry, but do any of you have any medical training? I’ve stabilized my son, but he’s in terribly poor health.
Merle: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! I do, I do!

Justin: Don’t you dare, don’t you dare say another word until you have a character voice.

Merle: [exaggerated old voice, Christopher Lloyd impression maybe?] I, I’m quite an accomplished healer!

Justin: There we go.

Travis: Well, accomplished?

Justin: Hold on. I just gotta say, I just got fuckin’ swept up in a world of imagination and fantasy, [Griffin laughing] and I just wanna say how transformative that was, thank you. Just, thank you, fa-. Thank you, everyone. It’s been so good.

Maureen: Yes, if you could please, d-do whatever you can to help my son. Please.
Merle: [continuing the voice] Okey-doke!
Magnus: Can I talk to you over here while he tends to Lucas?
Maureen: [sigh] Y-y-yes, yes. I just want to stay in, in eyesight, you know?
Magnus: Understand.
Maureen: Okay… what’s crackin’?
Magnus: We’re not going to take Lucas in, as you heard. I… lied, I protected your son. ‘Cause that was the promise I made you when you gave me the stone.
Maureen: I really appreciate that, that was very kind of you.
Magnus: If I ever see either one of you again after this--
Maureen: It seems unnecess-- I understand why you would be… I understand why you would be upset, I, p-- listen, I swear. If I knew what was going to happen when I, when I began to plot my escape, f-from the astral plane, I would not have gone through with it. I promise. I did not know, when I- when I came through, I didn’t know that all of my fellow prisoners in the Eternal Stockade were going to come through me. I wasn’t in my– I wasn’t in my right mind! My mind was destroyed. I had no control--
Magnus: I don’t give two shits.

Justin: Can I sidebar with uh, uh, Merle while they’re doing their sidebar?

Griffin: Yeah. Merle is currently probably over, uh– uh, Lucas, helping him out.

Justin: So while he’s doing that, uh,

Taako: So I’m confused, why do you think Magnus decided to help? He made it pretty clear that he was pissed.
Merle: I uh, I think he’s… just that kinda guy. He blows in the wind! He goes back ‘n’ forth!
Taako: That’s true. That’s true.
Merle: And he’s also, you know, trapped under a big mirror, so he’s probably feeling a little vulnerable.

[laughter and crosstalk]

Justin: Oh wait, is this sidebar happening, I forgot about that!

Griffin: This sidebar’s like, “listen, listen here, if I ever see you again, I’ll kill you. Once I get out from this mirror.”

Clint: It kind of, you know, diminishes the threat, a little bit.

Travis: Yeah. I-I forgot about that.

Clint: Not quite as badass as you thought it would be.

Justin: [crosstalk] God, if Dad has to remember our story things--

[interrupted by Clint laughing heartily]

Justin: --for us we’re in a bad way, huh?

Travis: [crosstalk] When Dad is our RPG compass, it’s a real problem!

[Clint laughing again]

Griffin: Um, uh, Lucas actually comes to, under your healing hands, um and uh, turns towards you and Maureen, Magnus, and says uh,

Lucas: I’m not sorry at all. Magnus, if you lost somebody important, to you, what– what wouldn’t you do, to get them back?
Merle: [in Clint’s voice] Oh-h-h! I slipped, with the stitches! I’m sorry!
Lucas: Oh, god! Ow!

Justin: Character voices. I swear to god, c’mon…

Clint: [in his Christopher Lloyd Merle voice] I did! That was a character voice!

Travis: That was not a character voice! Not!

Justin: Debra, repeat the tape, Debra.

Merle: [in heavy character voice] Oh, I slipped, with the stitches! Sorry!

Justin: Fucking swept away right now.

Clint: That was the repeat.


Griffin: A… rift opens up. In the room. Um… no crystal kingdom crinkle-tinkles, but a rift opens up in the room, and a white light comes through, as you’ve seen it come through many times before. Um, and it lowers itself, into a… dormant robot that Carey and Noelle kinda trashed earlier. It’s missing an arm, already, it’s already been Magnus-ded--


Travis: Magnied.

Griffin: It’s been Magnied -

Clint: [crosstalk] Semi.

Griffin: It’s been Magnied, and this robot stands up, and it’s all beat to hell, and this robot says uh,

Robot: Okay. Okay… okay. Listen, gang. We don’t--

Griffin: What is this voice?

Justin: It was C- It used to be Cockney.

Travis: Oh yeah, it was Cockney.

Robot: [Cockney voice] Okay. Okay. So, we dealt with things. Over on our end. It’s me, by the way. Kravitz. Hi.
Magnus: Yeah. We got that.
Taako: Oh-h-h!
Kravitz: You didn’t recognize me, probably, because I’m not inhabiting some sort of crystal... beast, but it’s me. It’s Kravitz.
Merle: ‘Sup?
Kravitz: Yeah. That was quick thinking, Merle. You’re-you’re a powerful dwarf, I didn’t think that you would have the ability to, to banish a being as dangerous as the Legion! Back into the, uh. Back into the Astral Plane. I’ve gotta say, I am genuinely impressed.
Merle: [heavy character voice] Still waters, my man. Still waters.
Taako: And to be fair, let’s give credit where credit’s due, he had some help from his god, Dan.

[Travis/Magnus laughing]

Taako: What’s so funny?
Merle: God, Dan!
Magnus: God dan it!
Taako: What’s the joke?

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: He uh, he--

Travis: Dan Godinson.

Griffin: He pulls up, he waves his one, uh, remaining robotic hand in the air, and that floating, book appears once again. Um, and it’s floating out in front of him, and a quill appears in his hand. And he starts doing some, scratching around, in this book, and he says uh,

Travis: Dear diary! You’ll never believe what happened to--

Griffin: [in Kravitz’s voice] Dear Man in the Moon, uh--

Clint: Dear Penthouse Forum!

Griffin: He says,

Kravitz: Okay. Here’s the deal. You all… saved my bacon. Okay? You saved my bacon. If that thing had come through, and opened up a, a more permanent portal, into the Astral Plane, that would have been the ball game, basically. Um, and it would have looked really bad for me. I mean it would have been the apocalypse and the end of both of our worlds, but it would have been bad for me, and my, career.
Magnus: It would have hurt your quarterly review.
Kravitz: Absolutely, it would have shown up.
Magnus: Yeah, yeah. We’ve all been there.
Kravitz: So here’s the deal. Merle, Magnus, and Taako… despite the fact you’ve died nearly one hundred times, between the three of you, you’ve technically never--
Magnus: Still don’t remember that.
Kravitz: [speaking in a London accent] Yeah, it’s-it can be tricky dying. Um, technically you’ve never checked into the Astral Plane. And therefore you’ve never escaped. So… I’ve, on that technicality, I’ve called off your bounty. But, I swear, if you die again, that is it. No more Mister Nice Death. That’s it. Kravitz is gonna come a-callin’.
Taako: So are you… when we listen for your voice echoing after us, should we listen for a Cockney voice, or kind of a distinguished gentleman voice?
Kravitz: [forcing a Cockney accent] All right! Yeah, I jump between the two at will, don’t I?
Taako: Oh no! The other head on your shoulder Zaphod Beeblebrox-style has begun addressing us!


Kravitz: Listen, I can jump between them at will! Check this out. [lowers voice, forces a bad Cornwall accent] Oi, now I got another accent! What’s this one even called? I'onno--
Merle: [mimicking him] Wot’s all this then?
Magnus: I think that’s still Cockney, but with a mouthful of marbles.
Kravitz: [forces a very bad Transylvanian accent] I’ve got to switch between different accents to trick my prey! [returns to a London accent] That’s not true. It’s just a fun little character trait I’ve got.
Merle: You sound like Harry “Snapper” Organs from Monty Python. Dinsdaaaale…
Kravitz: I can also do a bunch of fun Michael Winslow-style sound effects! [makes machine gun noises with his mouth] Um, now Lucas--

Travis: What’s that?

Clint: That was a machine gun.

Kravitz: Yeah. Lucas, you’ve technically never died, at all. And I can assume your necromancy days are behind you. So I can call off the dogs on you, too. But, Noelle, Maureen, I’m sorry, you’re ghosts. You’ve got to come with me. Back to the Astral Plane. We-we’ve gotta take you back.
Magnus: We-l-l hold on.
Merle: This is not gonna go over well.

[Travis and Justin begin to talk at the same time]

Taako: Welllll. You-you first. You first.
Magnus: Without them, we wouldn’t’ve been able to stop Legion, and save your ass.
Kravitz: I get, I totally get that, but Legion was a bunch of escaped ghosts. And that is also what Noelle and Maureen--if I allow them to go, it could, it-it, if we allow a little bit of exception, to the rules, of life and death, then anybody could take advantage of it.

[Travis, Justin, and Clint all begin to talk at once]

Magnus: Mhmm.
Taako: Slippery slope.
Merle: *assorted noises of agreement*
Taako: So, would you, I have a, uh, lemme ask you a question. Would you kill somebody whose soul was still in their body?
Kravitz: Well, no, of course - *heavy sigh* - I -
Taako: Okay, well -
Kravitz: If under the right circumstances - if it means collecting a soul that belongs to the astral plane then yes - it’s -
Taako: But their souls have found new bodies. Just because they happen to be mechanical doesn’t mean that that life is any less valid, Battlestar Galactica!

[Griffin laughs and Clint wheezes]

Magnus: And what if we just changed a couple words, rather than if it was when you collected the soul?
Kravitz: What do you-
Taako: When~
Kravitz: Are you talking about like a - like a time limit, or something?
Magnus: Yeah, maybe we just negotiate a time, say, we phrase it as they need some time to finish affairs in the earthly realm - they couldn’t before they were - you know - killed before their time. So you need to give them blank -
Noelle: Yeah, I would - I’d appreciate that. I’ve got some stuff I’d like to - I’ve got some stuff I’d like to pop off, um.
Taako: Hey, let us sweeten the pot. If you let them stay - uh- on board with us, you can come collect their souls at a later date, and in return if you let us keep doing our sinister work, I can guarantee you a, an influx of -
Kravitz: Okay that’s not really how this... This really isn’t how it works.
Merle: We deal in lead, friend.
Taako: We deal in lead, as my friend has said, and we - I know you want d’ese souls, right - good?
Magnus: And these are going to be top notch - Mhmm [lip smacking noises] delicious souls.
Kravitz: This isn’t -
Merle: SWEET!
Kravitz: Right, right - This isn’t -
Taako: Oh before their time!
Kravitz: Sure.
Taako: Delectable!
Kravitz: This is not really a - It’s not like we’re playing - This isn’t a Dark Souls game. It’s not like a weird -
Taako: Kravitz want dese souls!

[Travis, Justin, and Clint make assorted lip-smacking noises]

Taako: He love ‘em! Mmm!
Magnus: So sound good? You give them, say, what? Twenty years?
Kravitz: Oh my. That’s probably longer than you three have got left in you, um.
Magnus: Fair.
Merle: What? Wait, what?
Kravitz: I’m just saying, just based on your sorta habits, and, uh.
Taako: Sure, yeah.
Kravitz: I’d be willing to... Here’s my thing, here’s my thing.
Merle: Uh-huh?
Kravitz: I love games and gambling, and, uh, you know, risks and wits and wagers. I-I-I – I love all that.
Taako: I know, I saw in Bill and Ted. You went crazy on that stuff.
Kravitz: Uh… oh, you’re familiar. Wonderful. Um… so… if you can sweeten the pot, make something in it-get something in there for me- I’m not so much interested in you, uh, just murdering a bunch of fools. Um… because that does, y’know, nothing for me, but, uh, y’know, put somethin’-put somethin’ in ol’ Kravitz’s pocket.
Merle: Anybody in particular you want snuffed?
Kravitz: No, you-
Magnus: Yeah, I’ve got an idea.
Kravitz: Okay, hit me.
Magnus: How ‘bout a card game?
Kravitz: [in Cockney Card Game Playin’ Voice™] All right, uh...let me switch to my cockney card game playin’ voice. What, uh… what we talkin’ ‘bout? We talkin’ ‘bout Uno, we talkin’ ‘bout… Scrapple?
Merle: Euchre!
Magnus: How ‘bout we just make it simple high card draw?
Merle: [snoring noises]
Kravitz: O...kay? This seems like we could be-
Taako: Oh, unless you’re afraid…
Kravitz: No, I would...I...
Merle: [makes chicken ‘bock’ noises]
Taako: [makes chicken ‘cheep’ noises]
Kravitz: Uh...I prefer a nice game of Baccarat over a cigar, but uh… yeah alright let’s play hi- uh, high card draw, let’s do it!

Travis: See, I’m very excited ‘cause I have a set of cheating cards.

Kravitz: Oh, well, uh, well let’s not use those!

Travis: No, no, that was Travis saying that! I didn’t do it in character voice, Griffin.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [laughing] Heh- a line we’ve-we’ve uh, worked so hard to keep clear.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Uh, what do the cheating cards do?

Travis: No idea.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Travis: [chuckles] Prolly should’ve looked that up before I engaged in the card game.

Griffin: [quietly laughs]

Justin: Were they in Fantasy Costco, Scraps?

Travis:  No, I think I picked them up off a body in like, the first-

Griffin:  Yeah, in like episode two you did, you picked them up off of the, like, slave trader…

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: ...hillbillies. Okay, we can use those… How would we resolve… cheating--a cheating deck of cards? I’ve got this-

Travis: I would say that the best way to go is like-

Justin: Bluff? I would think bluff check, right?

Griffin: Um… I also have a deck of cards here. And I’d love to do some prop-some prop work. Um… so maybe we just, like, I’ll draw one and that’ll be Kravitz’s cards-

Clint: Find the lady, where’s the lady? Yes, everyone, keep your eye on the lady!

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Here’s what we’ll do; I’ll draw one for Kravitz, okay?

Clint: Right.

Griffin: And then, we’ll draw one for you, Magnus. And then, if it doesn’t-if it beats it, you win, if it doesn’t beat it, you make a deception check-

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: -Or a sleight of hand check, either one. Um… and you-if you’re successful you can go again ad-ad infinitum.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: [draws card] Uh, that’s a nine of clubs. [draws again] And that’s a five of clubs for you, so why don’t you make a-whichever one you want, and we’ll say you beat a DC...13.

Travis: [dice] Okay, that was a 14. Sleight of hand 12+2.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Thank you, Jesus.

Griffin: [draws card] There it is, jack of diamonds. Uh, okay, yeah.

Kravitz: Aw right, that felt like maybe a little anticlimactic, maybe we should go best two outta three, what do you say?
Magnus: We could also arm-wrestle?
Kravitz: I mean - I, we didn’t sort of establish a wager for me, what I would get out of that, but, uh I was just sorta gonna collect all of your souls if you’d lost, but, uh…
Magnus: Oh, tits!
Kravitz: But you know, you did good. You did great. Uh - you know I wanted to let you have this, anyway. You - you three have - You three have done a lot of great work tonight. Let’s just, uh, those rules of nature are there for a reason, so let’s just stop running afoul of them, uh, uh, as if this was all just sort of fun - funsy-fun make believe, whaddaya say?
Magnus: You got it!

Griffin: He starts to walk back towards the rift that he has opened up. And he says,

Kravitz: Well it's been real and it's been fun, and it's been real fun, but I'm gonna head back to the other side.

Griffin: Maureen-bot stands up from - y'know what, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Maureen-bot helped you get out from under the mirror 'cause this is getting fuckin' ridiculous.

Clint: No! No don't, I was havin' too much fun envisioning Travis doin' all this stuff while under the mirror.

[Travis laughs.]

Griffin: You did that whole card trick thing using the mirror on top of you as a makeshift card table. Shuffle-up and deal!

Justin: Where's the lady? Find the lady!

Travis: She's on my tummy!

[“See You Later” starts playing during Maureen’s dialogue]

Griffin: Maureen walks towards them and says,

Maureen-bot: Lucas, I'm so sorry- I know you did so much to help me out but I c- I can't stay. [music starts to play] I can’t stay. I have to go back. I- I- When I entered the cosmoscope, I saw something I should not have seen and it killed me and it destroyed my mind and I lost myself and my– my willpower was taken from me, and the only way I was able to recover and fight off the spirits that inhabited me in that crystal stalactite was to partition what I saw in the cosmoscope to this conduit's internal memory, but as long as I'm here, I'm in danger of remembering, and I- I can't lose control like that again, I won't.

Griffin: And she walks over to you, Taako, and Merle, and says,

Maureen-bot: Please, whatever - whatever punishments you require for Lucas, I understand, but please promise me, do whatever you can. Just keep him safe. Please.
Merle: Team meeting - can I have a quick team meeting? Quick team meeting.
Maureen-bot: I'm making a dramatic exit but as long as it's quick, yeah, sure.
Merle: I stitched the word "dickhead" in his body, just so you guys know–
Magnus: Nice.
Merle: Just so you guys know. Shh. So we get our revenge - in secret.
Magnus: Yeah that pretty much makes up for it, good job.
Merle: Yeah. Tryna kill us an' everything. Okay! [clears throat]
Maureen-bot: Can you promise me that you'll keep my son safe and not stitch the word "dickhead" into his body?
Magnus: You got it!
Merle: No! No. Can't promise.

Griffin: She walks over to Lucas and sorta kneels down over him, and Lucas looks really upset but he's not really saying anything, he kinda seems like he's in shock a little bit. And she says, uh,

Maureen-bot: I-I know this seems unfair, but it's really not that bad over there - as dour as this sounds, we'll see each other again, someday.

Griffin: And then she leans in close and whispers something to him, and then the light pops out of her conduit and floats over to the robot that Kravitz is in and the light pops out of his conduit, and-

Magnus: Kravitz!
Kravitz: Y-yeah? [in more assured Cockney accent] Yeah? Yeah?
Magnus: Tell Julia I said I love her.
Kravitz: Alright-- there's a lot of Julias over there but-- never mind, I'm kidding, I know who you're talking about.
Magnus: [quietly] Thank you.
Kravitz: Alright. Maureen, y'ready to go?

Griffin: She says,

Maureen: Yes, I- I'll see you later.

Griffin: -and disappears through the rift. And he goes through the portal as well and it closes up--

Merle: Wait! Wait! Aw.
Taako: You were gonna ask about Elvis, weren't you?


Griffin: A rift opens back up and he pops out and goes;

Kravitz: Wh, sorry, what?
Merle: Ah- how's Elvis?
Kravitz: Mmmmmm--still alive. The mystery continues, bye!


Justin: Dad had a fish named Elvis.

Griffin: Did he? Didn't we have a fish that like got froze over in real life?

Travis: No, that was Bob Shubey.

Clint: Bob Shubey.

Justin: Bob Shubey got frozen in real life, and came back to life and grew so large we had to let him go in Fourpole Creek.

Griffin: Is that true?

Justin: Yes! It's true! --Oh, wait a minute, you flushed him didn't you, you son of a bitch.

Clint: You were too tender and gentle!

Justin: Son of a bitch, I thought until just now-

Clint: You were only a sophomore in college, you couldn't have handled that heartbreak-

Justin: Dad said he had to let him go to the creek 'cause he was so big.


Griffin: Well that’s also -

Travis: That was true!

Griffin: Well guys, let me just -

Justin: How could you!

Griffin: Let's just dial this in real quick 'cause that would also definitely still kill him.

Justin: That's fair.

Travis: It was not a very clean creek.

Justin: It was-- it's a bad- I mean it's still not a very good creek.

Clint: Elvis was a plecostomus, one of those scum-suckers, wasn’t he?

Griffin: Lucas stands up, still not really saying anything, and walks over to a console, punches in some buttons, and you feel the lab around you start to come back to life. And Noelle actually walks over to, uh- Magnus, are you out from under the mirror? Let's say this is the time where Noelle comes over and with her four robot arms-

Justin: We're cool on crystals, right? The crystalline menace, is like-

Griffin: Oh yeah, it's done, it's stopped - Maureen was the one in control of that, and she stopped using it.

Travis: Justin, is the crystalline menace like, a propaganda poster about some far-off country?

[Clint laughs]

Travis: We must stop the crystalline menace!

Griffin: The-- uh, so Noelle helps you out, Magnus, and says,

Noelle: Magnus, I really appreciate you goin' to bat for me there, that was real brave of you, real sweet.
Magnus: Anytime.

Clint: The ladies love you. [Taako attempts to interject]

Noelle: --And Taako, and Merle, and Carey, all of you! You all did great today!

Griffin: She lifts the mirror up off you and pulls you out.

Magnus: Aw, thanks! That was crushing my weiner.


Noelle: [amused] You really broke the tension, I appreciate that, Magnus.

Griffin: Lucas says,

Lucas: Alright, I stabilised the lab, the exterior hull has reverted back from its crystallization so the weight differential is able to be supported by the core, but, most of the interior systems have been compromised so, um, I don't really have an escape route, but I think I can, I think I have another way out.

Griffin: And he presses a few more buttons on the console, and through the wall of this lab chamber, like the Kool-Aid man, a familiar face appears-

Clint [imitating the Kool-Aid Man]: Ohh yeah!

Griffin: One with a glowing red clown nose, and terrifying facial features, perched on some elevator doors-

Travis: Mr. Upsy!

Upsy: Looks like everyone came out of this scrape safe and sound! It's a Candlenights miracle!

Travis: Oh yeah, this was still happening at Candlenights, wasn't it?

Upsy: Yup! By the way, I rescued your orc friend and that big family of dogs!


Griffin: And Carey goes,

Carey: Oh, you got Killian out! Oh, thank God, I was so worried.
Merle: Yeah, me too.
Taako: Me three.
Upsy: Well, you know the drill - climb in my belly!

Griffin: And his doors open up.

[Assorted groans of disgust/exasperation]

Travis: I reluctantly do so.

[someone makes a squelchy fart noise]

Griffin: As his elevator door-face opens up, there's actually like, some strings of goo that separate? As he opens up, it’s some sort of elevator slime that sorta falls to the ground.

Travis: Oh, god.

Upsy [muffled]: Come on! I don't got - I don't got all day! [fake gagging from Justin]

Travis: Magnus gets in.

Justin: Yeah, I get on.

[various grossed-out noises]

Griffin: All of you pop in. You three, Carey, and Noelle. Lucas starts to walk towards the elevator, turns and walks over to Maureen's disabled conduit, and takes a small screwdriver out of his coat, and pops out the central fuse that she had in her conduit. It kinda looks like a small lantern? Now that he's sorta just holding it free from the robot. Lucas takes this lantern and walks over, and holds it up in you guys' direction and says,

Lucas: I know I - I know I fucked you guys over tonight, and I'm probably never gonna be able to make that up to you, um, but, whatever my mom saw in the cosmoscope, I don't wanna know what it was. And if what she said is true, it's somewhere in here. I want you guys to take this and keep it safe - and I'm gonna- I guess I'm gonna make myself scarce.
Merle: Before you go-
Lucas: Yeah?
Merle: Listen. Take care of those stitches [giggles] y'know, so they'll heal right.
Lucas: Yeah, I have medical training so I'll be able to, y'know, take care of 'em.
Merle: Oh, good, yeah.
Magnus: Lucas, go out and do good.
Lucas: Okay. I’ll– I'm gonna do my best. I promise. You'll never see me again, but if you do, I'll be doing good, and don't kill me instantly. I'll try to stay away from you, but I don't know- we should- we should- [Magnus:No promises.] let's match up our schedules just to make sure that we don't, y'know-
Magnus: I'll put you on a Google calendar and we'll try to figure it out, but no promises, okay?
Lucas: That sounds good. I'll Skype you. I-I’ll Skype you.
Magnus: No, don't– do that, we don't have very good reception on the moon.

Griffin: Upsy's face closes-

Travis: And digestion begins.

Griffin: The digestive process begins--hold on, I'm really gonna take my time with this part--and you can actually see through Mr. Upsy's eyes. He's not, like, on a wire? He's basically straight-up Wonka-ing on some shit as he flies backwards out of the hole that he made in the wall and out of the lab, which you see sort of getting smaller and smaller, as your party, inside of Mr Upsy, sails through a snowy sky, led by Upsy's bright red nose, and back up into the hole in the moon.

[“A Candlenights Miracle” plays]


[Personal messages/Jumbotron]


Griffin: So you've returned to the Bureau of Balance Headquarters, and as the doors of Upsy open, you see it's actually not as thoroughly staffed as the Bureau HQ usually is, because it's very late at night at this point - we'll say it's probably around, like, 4 in the morning? Still Candlenights. You began this adventure like early evening on Candlenights, and just made it through - though I'm pretty sure the timing on that doesn't work out based on the arbitrary time limits I kept setting - well, whatever.

And you are met with applause - it's not as fervent as it usually is because, again, people are pretty drowsy, but people are- you are welcomed warmly by adoring fans as you step out of this weird living elevator and start to walk towards the main hall. And as you approach the main hall and you walk across the quad, which is protected by some sort of barrier from the blizzard around you, you see a large shape wearing a null suit, charging at all of you, from the main hall. And as this shape gets closer you realise it's actually Killian! Who, uh - who rushes in and swoops up Carey in a big ol' spinning hug. And she says, uh,

Killian: You good?
Carey: Pssh, yeah!

Griffin: Killian looks at the rest of you guys and says,

Killian: Aight, are y'all good?
Magnus: Yep.
Taako: Yeah...
Magnus: I mean, pretty good, all things considered.
Merle: Comme ci, comme ça.
Magnus: (crosstalk) I’ve been better.
Killian: How’s the arm, Merle?
Merle: Mmm. Thorny.
Killian: That doesn’t sound good at all.
Magnus: But like, in a good way.

Griffin: Um. All of you: Noelle, Carey, Killian, and the three of you are, uh, you’ve made it to the main hall, and you are standing in front of the Director. This is the room where one of the walls sort of opens up into a massive window into the chamber where the Relics have been destroyed.

It is really late, some groggy looking staff have assembled to help, sort of, conduct in the destruction of the Philosopher’s Stone. Uh, Davenport is in the room, by the Director’s chair. Angus is off in a corner, somewhere, basically half asleep, but gives you guys a big thumbs up and a big cheesy grin.

Justin: Angus - I give Angus a thumbs down.

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: And I go, “Pbbttt.” (raspberry sound)

Travis: I do the thing where you put your hands together and then you put two fingers through and twist it around and then you wiggle the two fingers.

Griffin: He looks amazed.

Angus: Wow, oh my -

Griffin: He runs up to you, Mag-

Angus: Oh my God, sir! Have you become - have you been learning wizardly magics?

Travis: I take his nose.

Angus: Oh my God! …Why doesn’t it hurt?

Justin: I cast Prestidigitation to make it look like his nose isn’t there.

Clint: Oh, good.

Travis: Even Magnus is surprised!

Griffin: His childlike wonderment turns to absolute terror, as he goes:

Angus: No, please! Give it back! Give it back! I need that to smell.

Travis: [crosstalk] I eat it. Mmm! Mmm! (like he’s eating it)

Clint: God, you and your eating!

Taako: Hey Angus, do you know how you’re going to smell now?
Angus: No.
Taako/Merle: Terrible!

Justin: How could you.

Clint: I was chiming! I was just chiming!

Griffin: He reaches up and touches that -he feels that his nose is still there and he goes:

Angus: Wow, okay, that was kind of a dark one.


Travis: (imitating Angus) Kinda messed up.

Griffin: And he says:

Angus: Good job, by the way. I’m really proud of you guys.

Griffin: --and walks back to the corner he was standing in.

Magnus: Couldn’t have done it without you, Dangus.

Griffin: The Director, who also looks pretty tired, um, uh, let’s just assume you kinda debrief her on what happened there, because I don’t think anyone wants to hear a thorough rehashing of the last 11 episodes of the Adventure Zone -

Travis: [crosstalk] We passed all of our appropriate bluff checks and deception checks.

Clint: Yeah, are we telling her the truth?

Griffin: Okay, I guess we can play this out, um, if you do want to bluff about - let’s just skip ahead to that part, uh, to the final encounter. She says, uh:

Director: So tell me exactly, how - how did Lucas die? Are you certain that gone?
Magnus: He was trying to stop the terror he created, but it turned on him and he was blasted by some sort of spectral energy blast, we’re not sure, and it blew him away. He was -
Merle: [exaggerated] He is no longer with us.
Taako: And uh, also, his mother was in a robot, and she took - she took - she took him.
Director: What is that - what do you mean ‘she took him?’
Merle: It was very sweet.
Taako: Listen– I’m trying to use appropriate language, okay? She took him.
Merle: Took him.
Director: Took him -
Taako: She took his body.
Merle: His remains.
Taako: Yeah.
Director: That’s very unfortunate. Lucas was--
Merle: Yeah.
Director: Lucas was instrumental in the creation of the Bureau of Balance, and to think he could be turned by a Grand Relic is very disheartening.
Magnus: There were a lot of other factors.
Director: Hopefully he can find some rest in the Astral plane.

Travis: I rolled a 16, by the way. Plus 1.

Griffin: On your bluff check?

Travis: Yeah, deception check.

Griffin: On what?

Travis: On deception check. There’s no bluff in 5th edition.

Griffin: Oh, weird. Okay, yeah, that’ll be sufficient.  I was going to make one of you guys roll it, so that’s fine.

Justin: And I didn’t lie, so.

Griffin: And you did not lie. Yes, you were very careful. Um, okay, and she - now she walks over to Noelle, and addresses her,

Director: I’ve heard a lot about you through their Stones of Farspeech, or rather, I should say, I heard you, um, more specifically, I heard you kill a bunch of ghost-filled robots.

Griffin: and Noelle says:

Noelle: Uh, yeah, that was me.

Justin: Uh, Ditto, point of order. Does, uh, is it - like when she was just talking to us about the Bureau of Balance and like, Lucas’ importance to it, uh, was Noelle hearing that? Is she just getting a lot of static, or like, is there a way to get her, like, will the Voidfish’s ichor still like work on her?

Griffin: Um, I mean, you could ask her.

Justin: Ask, I guess I could-

Taako: Hey, Noelle, have you been hearing any, like, weird static?
Noelle: No, what do you mean?
Taako: Cooool.

Griffin: And the Director says:

Director: I had the same suspicion, Taako. Noelle, I’m the Director of the Bureau of Balance. We’re an organization dedicated to the collection and destruction of the Grand Relics, like the one that destroyed the Millers’ laboratory earlier tonight, and killed you in Phandalin some months back. Now, please, this will sound weird, but please repeat the name of our organization.

Griffin: And Noelle says:

Noelle: Uh, the Bureau of Balance?

Griffin: And the Director looks at the three of you.

Taako: Whaaaat!!!!!!!
Director: Anyone else see a problem with this?
Taako: Well, I do worry if… oooh. Okay. I do see one problem, is that, um. If souls are going to keep coming back over from that side, that’s something we are going to have to be aware of, because it seems like once you’ve slipped past this plane, and, uh, returned to it, you’ve maybe freed yourself from the Voidfish’s magics.
Magnus: That -
Director: (crosstalk) I’ve had the same-
Magnus: OH SHIT.
Director: I had a similar suspicion. I could hear you all through your Stones of Farspeech, I lost contact with you once you went to the lower levels, but I heard you fighting with what sounded like Magic Brian. And Magic Brian... his two accomplices knew who he was which they should not have been able to do if they were not inoculated. Magic Brian’s been erased. It seems like the undead, or should I say, the living dead, are immune to the Voidfish’s powers.
Magnus: Director, is it possible the red cloak people are extra-planar? Are undead spirits?
Director: I don’t have enough to go on right now, but I’m fairly certain that might be the case.
Magnus: Because I tried to give one a whopping of chopping, and I couldn’t get at it, which makes me think that maybe it’s like a ghost thing.
Director: Um, let’s debrief about that, later.

Griffin: She says, kinda under her -

Travis: Cool. Cool. Cool, got it. Wink.

Merle: I got another problem. I got a bigger problem.
Director: What’s that? Yes.
Merle: Our initials are “B.O.B.” [pronounced as “bob”] Yeah! Doesn’t that… that doesn’t bother anybody? We’re the agents of “B.O.B.”?
Director: Well, we used to be the Bureau of Outstanding Balance. And that was- that’s just a non-starter.
Magnus: Boo-Ob?
Director: Um. Yes, Boo-Ob.

Griffin: Um, Carey says:

Carey: Okay so, Noelle already knows what we’re up to here, why don’t we put her to work? Like, I think Noelle would make a pretty ballin’ Regulator, and now that Boyland is gone - God rest his sweet soul - um, me and Killian could use a replacement for our trio.

Griffin: And Killian says:

Killian: Hell yes. I love this plan, me and Carey and a robot ghost with a gun arm, fuck yeah. That’s awesome.
Magnus: Sounds like a spin-off!
Killian: That sounds like–yeah that’s some Torchwood shit, I am into  that.

Griffin: And Noelle says:

Noelle: Well, if I can stop more stuff like this from happening, I’d be happy to join up.

Griffin: And Director says:

Director: Well, by my count, you killed about a dozen ghost bots tonight, so I think we can skip the formalities of the Rites of Initiation. You boys remember that right, you had no problem at all taking care of those ogres.
Magnus: Yep.
Director: Well, Noelle, congratulations. I guess we’ll figure out a way to put a bracer on… that later. Just for, sort of a more pressing, more pressing issue that we should try and get into right now is Magnus -
Taako: PAYMENT! Is that what you were going to say? Were you going to say “payment?”
Director: Payment will be delivered upon receipt-
Merle: Here we go! Sweet, sweet lucre!
Director:  - Upon the receipt of the rock that is currently working its way through Magnus’ digestion system.
Magnus: Right. I’m going to need some magical prunes.
Merle: I cast “Zone of Stool Softener!”

Griffin: She says;

Director: We don’t have that kind of time. I don’t want you to be constantly subject to the temptation and the thrall of the Philosopher’s Stone-
Magnus: I’m good.
Director: -for the next 36 hours or however– It’s going to - You can’t just poop out a rock!
Magnus: Welllll...
Director: I’ve done a lot of research -
Magnus: I’ve pooped out a lot of things.
Director: We need to figure out a way to get that rock out of you right now.
Magnus: Uh, I could… puke it?
Director: That would take some real doing.
Magnus: Oh. Um.
Merle: I think I need to do surgery.
Magnus: Oh no.
Merle: [sly] Yeah, let me help out my good friend who helped me out with my hand. Let me help out my buddy.

Travis: I just start sticking my fingers down my throat.

Magnus: Oh, I’m good. Ehhhhh. (dry heaving noises)
Merle: Come here! Lay down-
Noelle: Boy, this is a real horror show.
Magnus: Just give me a second. (Dry heaving noises.)

Griffin: Um, that rock has - you ate that rock about 45 minutes ago.

Magnus: Hueghh. (More dry-heaving noises.)

Griffin: So it’s like down there, it’s not - Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be working.

Travis: Magnus starts punching himself in the stomach.

Griffin: That works, that’s fine. I don’t have a solution in mind for how you guys are going to do this? Um, I want you to really explore the space.

Taako: Okay, um.
Magnus: Do you have any transportation magic?
Director: Do I have any transportation … I don’t. I can see what Leon has.
Magnus: Yeah, get Leon. What’s Pringles doing?
Director: Pringles has been in prison for several months. Um. The fact that you have forgotten that makes me think maybe he wasn’t so important to you.
Magnus: I meant what’s he doing as far as like magic these days?
Director: None. He’s in - he’s in the - in the - in the pokey.
Magnus: Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Taako: I think we should see what our cleric can cook up. This definitely seems like his area.
Merle: It would be kinda what I do. I have a suggestion, actually.
Taako: Let’s hear it.
Magnus: Okay.
Merle: I have a spell called, “Stone Shape.” I can influence the shape of a stone, uh, to change it and alter it and perhaps, if I change the shape of the stone inside of him, um, it might, y’know, come out a little easier. It might have an easier egress.

Griffin: Okay. Um.

Merle: I’m thinking of something with hooks.

Griffin: Jeez.

Merle: And a big, bulbous - Oops, sorry. I mean, I can change the shape of the stone inside of him so he can pass it easier.
Magnus: Now, I do want to remind you - I chopped off your hand and saved your damn life. It’s not like I did it out of malice.
Merle: I’m trying to save you! So you don’t have to- [inaudible]
Magnus: Really? Because your tone of voice doesn’t convey that at all, Merle! I’m listening to you with my ears!
Merle: Really?

Griffin: If possible, I would love to avoid a shitting-based solution. A) Because I don’t want to know what exists beyond the “explicit” tag in iTunes.


Griffin: I don’t, like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don’t want--I don’t think I want to be a part of that. But also, I would also--

Justin: Hey!

Griffin: --not like this scene to drag on as long as a human being’s digestive cycle.

Taako: Wait, no no no, wait, I got it, I got it. We can work together on this, you and me.
Merle: Okay.
Taako: See? Okay. [Loud giggles] Okay. Okay, yes, okay. I have a spell called “Stone Skin”.


Merle: Okay. Okay.
Taako: So, here’s what I’m suggesting. Instead of changing the shape of the stone, let’s change the shape of the Magnus.
Merle: Ahhh! So we’re looking alimentary canal.
Taako: Exactly!
Merle: Alimentary, my dear Watson!
Taako: What is -- okay, here we go. Okay, so I’m gonna cast Stone Skin-

Travis: Is this where we can do like a propeller cutaway and it comes back and it’s done and everything went great?

Taako: I’m casting Stone Skin on Magnus.

Griffin: Okay. Magnus, are you going to lie down for this, or?

Magnus: Knock me the fuck out! [Wheezing]
Taako: Okay. I cast Sleep on Magnus.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I got spell slots to burn here. Uh, uh, I cast Sleep on Magnus, Magnus is out, and I’ll cast Stone Skin on Magnus, to make his skin into stone.

Griffin: Okay. Magnus, your skin is stone, but you are asleep.

Travis: I’m dreaming of large women. Go on.

Justin: Alright, so you-- now you have Stone--

Clint: I have Stone Shape - I just have to decide what shape.

Travis: Like a tube. C’mon, man!

Clint: Shh. You’re sleeping.

Griffin: [Giggling] You’re gonna turn him into a mantube!


Griffin: You could just turn him into a bag, or a shelf, with the rock sitting on it!

Clint: It would pass a lot easier, if it were, like a spiral.

Justin: A fun spiral. I was thinking the same thing [Crosstalk]

Clint: Like a screw kinda coil kinda thing.

Justin: Like a fun spiral.

Travis: [high-pitched] Honk-shoo honk-shoo, please just do it, get it done. (Exaggerated snoring noise.)

[Loud Laughing]

Clint: Ok! That’s what I’ll go with. I’ll go with the spiral.

[Justin snorts]

Travis: Ooh-pu-pu-pu-pu! It falls out!

Griffin: Okay, hold on. I need to--’cause I-I imagine I’m not the only person having a hard time visualizing what literally just happened to Magnus’s human body.

Justin: I think Dad is saying that he changed the bottom half of his body from, uh, waist to toes, into a large, stone, fun, stone spiral!

Travis: Yeah! Like a waterslide.

Justin: Like a fun waterslide, the rock could just harmlessly slide down.

Clint: Y’know like those bubblegum machines? Y’know, when they go down the little paths and they [Makes whirring sounds]

Griffin: So you turned the bottom half-- just making sure I got this, ‘cause people are gonna draw fanart of this, and it’s gonna be fucked–-

Clint: I’ll turn it back.

Griffin: You turn the bottom of his body-you turn him into, like, springy, the spring sprite, and waited for the stone to just kinda tumble out of his butt tube that you’ve created.

All: Yup! [Assorted]

Travis: Sounds good!

[There’s a pause]

Griffin: Dungeons and Dragons is a great game.


Travis: You don't get this shit in Chutes and Ladders, that’s for sure.

Griffin: You do actually-- you explicitly get this in Chutes and Ladders.

Clint: Actually true.

Justin: Yeah, yeah you do get that. Now, where we’re playing, I would say generously fast and loose with, uh, some of the 5e, we may have moved, we may have given everyone a sneak preview of the 6e.

Griffin: Sixth edition that’s mostly scat magic! Okay. Um, the Philosopher’s Stone comes tumbling out of Magnus’ supine form.

Clint: And P.U.! [Crosstalk]

Justin: Stinkaroony!

Griffin: --And like a child on a Marquee waterslide at Schlitterbahn. Uh, and tumbles and rolls across the floor. Uh, and-

Clint: And to make it even worse, we videoed the entire thing.

Griffin: Absolutely you did. Um, and uh, you kinda get a better chance to look at it now that you’re not also fighting a big ghost monster, and it just looks like a plain-looking rock, it’s light brown, it’s got smooth edges, it’s uh---


Griffin: Gross, okay I just changed it, it is light grey, it’s got smooth edges--

Travis: It looks like a lil nugget of poop.

Griffin: No, it’s an-- it’s a pretty-- again, we’re teetering on the NC-17 rating. Uh, it is an innocuous-looking object, but you can’t help but feel a sense of unease. Just-- just being around the Philosopher’s Stone.

Clint: No kidding- no shit.

Travis: Am I still a sleeping slinky?

Griffin: Yeah, uh, can somebody please unslinky him, ‘cause it’s getting-- oh yeah, it’s goofy.

Clint: Oh yeah, um, Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho!

Griffin: Ok, he is back in human form, but still stoney I guess?

Justin: He still has stoneskin for the next hour, so it does limit his movement.

Griffin: Okay, um, so yeah, you get this sense of unease, being around the Philosopher's Stone. It’s giving off an energy, like y’know when you used to, like, lick a AA battery? And you’d feel like, uncomfortable? That’s what-that’s what it’s like. It’s giving off an uncomfortably energetic aura.

Taako: Uh, we’re ready for you to summon Davenport.

Griffin: Uh, Davenport’s actually just standing right there, and he says

Davenport: Davenport, Davenport!

Travis: Feel free to destroy my stone baby.

Griffin: Carey, actually, starts to walk towards the Philosopher’s Stone. And she seems like, out of it. Like, she just starts like, reaching out towards it, like with a hand outstretched, and starts walking towards it.

Justin: I use the handle of the Umbra Staff to knock it over to Davenport.

Griffin: Ok, you give it the old knuckle puck?

Justin: Yeah, the ol’ knuckle puck.

Griffin: Ok. As you knock it towards Davenport, he actually catches it, perfectly. And, Carey like, Carey, like, falls forward to her knees as she was about to jump on it, she falls forward and then shakes her head and then looks up at you guys, and is like:

Carey: What just– oh man.
Taako: Its thrall, I know, right?
Carey: That could’ve been really bad, thank-
Magnus: Try having it in your tummy.
Carey: Thanks, that would’ve been super duper bad.

Griffin: And everyone agrees that would’ve been super bad.


Travis: Does everyone agree? Let’s go around the room.

Justin: A competent person with one of the artifacts? Yeah, that would’ve been bad.

Griffin: Davenport looks down at the Philosopher’s Stone, and his eyes seem to just sort of go, into a daze.

Magnus: Davenport!
Merle: Davenport!
Magnus: Put it on the tray.

Griffin: He looks up at everyone, and goes:

Davenport: Davenport!

Justin: Ah, beloved simpleton.

Griffin: And he uh, he tosses it into the uh, one of those big lead balls and shuts the hatch on it. And a couple of guards start to wheel it out of the room, back into the back room. And then a few seconds later you see it appear - the Director draws a curtain and you can see the window into the Cerebro chamber. And the guards lift the ball up into the central pillar of the chamber. And the Director taps her white oak staff on the ground and, uh, like you’ve seen three times now, these huge columns of light stab through the ball. As you do, you can faintly hear the encased screams of Joe Pesci, um, because that’s what--

Justin: Now what does that sound like, just from a sonic--

Griffin: Oh yeah, sure. Um.

Philosopher's Stone: [Muffled] Aw nuts!

Griffin: The pillars pierce the ball, the room goes dark. The guards come and fetch the lead ball, wheel it back into-- wheel it out of the cerebro chamber. A few seconds later they appear back into the main hall and they open up the ball and it has emptied out.

Travis: Cool.

Justin: So that’s four? So that’s the glove, the belt, the stone and what else, what’s the--

Griffin: The oculus. The lens from the train.

Clint: And the wardrobe.

Justin: Is that what-- the oculus is what--

Travis: Jenkins.

Justin: Jenkins had.

Griffin: That was the, uh-- that was the one you rescued from the train.

Taako: Hey, so we’re-- we’re...that’s like halfway, right?
Director: More than half-- we’re more than halfway there, yeah that’s--
Taako: More than halfway! Good for us.
Director: I uh, this is going better than I ever could have expected. You three--
Merle: [Laughs] Us too!
Director: Yeah, well you six did excellent work tonight, I’m very proud of all of you.

Griffin: She says:

Director: Davenport!

Griffin: Davenport heads into the back room, and comes back out with six small burlap bags. Actually, they’re not pretty small. These bags are actually decent-- decent sized. They look like something that a burglar might bring out of a bank or something, ‘cause each one contains 2000 gold pieces and a token for the Fantasy Gachapon.

Merle: Woooooooo!
Magnus: Well, happy Candlenights to us, huh, everybody? HA HA HA!

Travis: Freeze frame.

Director: Not quite.
Magnus: Oh damn it.

Justin: He said freeze frame, I mean he said it.

Travis: I said freeze frame, Griffin.

Clint: Freeze frame?

Director: Unfreeze. Unpause.

Griffin: She says:

Director: You’re all free to go, but Merle, Magnus and Taako, I’d like to see you in my office before you retire for the evening.
Merle: Uh-oh.
Magnus: Okay.
Taako: Alright.
Magnus: Yeaaah.
Merle: We’re in trouble.
Magnus: Sounds good.

Griffin: You walk back into her office through a door directly behind her chair in the main hall. You’ve - you’ve been in this office before, it’s the, uh - I can’t remember the last time you were in here. I don’t know if you guys do. You came in here once during one of the Lunar Interludes.

Travis: Oh yeah it’s when we wanted to tell her about Captain Captain Bane.

Griffin: Yes, that’s right. You are - so you’re back in this office, and there are three seats pulled up to her desk. She sits down at the seat behind her desk and invites you to sit with her. And she says:

Director: I’ll - I’ll be quick. I know you’ve had a long night.  [pause] What have I done… [Magnus: Hm?] to lose your trust?
Taako: Um, how do you mean?
Director: I was listening in, and I heard you parlay with the Red Robe again, after I explicitly asked you not to.

Travis: When did we do that?

Merle: You were spying on us?!

Travis: Now this is a legitimate Travis McElroy question - when did we do that?

Griffin: In the Cosmoscope, when the Red Robe thing appeared before you and you talked to it.

Travis: Oh cool. That seems like so long ago.

Griffin: If you’ll remember at the end of Petals to the Metal you talked with it and she said “next time you see that thing, just fucking run away, and don’t talk to it.”

Magnus: Director, everything up to this point has taught us not to trust anybody. We haven’t been getting all the information, and I think you would agree that that’s true.
Director: I have told -
Magnus: If you want us to trust you, we need to know everything you know about the hooded figures.
Director: I don’t know about the hooded figures, but if you want to know whether or not you can trust me, I [sighs]- I have no reason to -

Griffin: She uh, she reaches down under her desk and, uh, opens up a drawer -

Clint: Gun! Gun!

Griffin: [intense voice] And she pulls out a gun and just opens you fools up!


Griffin: She pulls out a small glass orb and produces a small wand, and she touches the wand to the orb. And from the top of this orb these three-dimensional images, like these holograms sprout from the top of the ball. And they start to cycle through a series of shots of what look like destroyed towns of different sizes.

Clint: Uh oh…

Griffin: And she says:

[First half of “Madam Director” starts to play]

Director: This is the settlement of Armos, where a seven-year-old girl found the Philosopher’s Stone and turned the city into peppermint candy.

Griffin: And sure enough this - this - it looks vaguely Candyland-esque, this settlement. And she says:

Director: Seven hundred and fourteen people were killed.

Griffin: And then she taps on the orb again and a different village appears, and she says:

Director: This is the village of Greenhold, where a warlord used the Oculus to manifest a small black hole, which annihilated the entire town, killing eleven hundred and fifty two people.

Griffin: And she taps it again and you just see an ocean. And she says:

Director: This used to be the Archipelago of Moonshae, which drowned in three minutes under the weight of a storm summoned by the Gaia Sash. Two thousand, five hundred and twelve people.

Griffin: She taps it again, and you just see a sequence of black glass circles. And she says:

Director: Certainly this looks familiar. Certainly you recognize Phandalin, and the other seven cities that have been destroyed by the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet. Eight cities, destroyed, total. Twelve thousand dead.

Griffin: She says:

Director: I - I swear to you, I am trying to stop this from happening, and we’re over halfway done. But if you give up on me now, if you stop trusting me now, we have already lost. I need to know: are you with me, or are you against me?
Taako: Director, here’s the truth. What did you have for lunch on December 3rd, 2015? [Griffin sighs] You don’t remember, right?
Director: No.
Taako: Well, that’s when you told us not to talk to the Red Robes. So, what I’m saying is- [background laughter] what I’m saying is, we forgot, okay? It was a very long -
Magnus: Yeah! It’s not necessarily mistrust, it’s just stupidity.
Taako: Just, like, just write us a note, okay?
Merle: Have you just met us?
Taako: Yeah, like, we - just write a note.
Merle: We’re really stupid!
Magnus: Next time, if you can hear it happen on the stone, just be like “hey dummies, remember?”
Taako: Hey dummies, remember?
Magnus: And I’m like “Oh yeah yeah yeah.”

Griffin: She, uh, she puts the orb and wand away, and kinda laughs to herself and says:

Director: I’m - I’m sorry, I just - we’re getting so close, we really are, and I just - I don’t. I mean, we’re getting close to finishing our goal, and I guess we’re also getting, you know, closer as people, it’s just -
Magnus: High five.
Director: Okay.

Griffin: She high fives you.

Travis: Yeah!

Director: I just - I guess I have my own trust issues as well. If - if you say it was a mistake, I believe you. Just please, it’s - whatever the -
Magnus: But in the future, Director, don’t you want us to get as much information out of the Red Hoods as we can? You have to trust us too.
Director: You’re right. You’re right. I’m - I apologize, I got over dramatic there for a second. If -
Taako: Listen, we forgive you.
Merle: How are you listening to all this shit? You have invaded our privacy.
Magnus: We have stones!

Griffin: She takes, uh, she takes her Stone of Farspeech out of her pocket and she’s like:

Director: Look, there’s a little switch right here, you can just sort of flip it and--
Magnus: Oh shit!
Taako: Oh dunk!
Merle: Oh, shit.
Taako: Oh come on.
Magnus: Wow, get right outta town.
Merle: It’s got a mute button!
Director: I’m sorry -
Taako: Now who has trust issues?
Merle: Yeah.
Director: I’m sorry for getting so ser-
Magnus: I’ve just been putting my hand over it like a dummy!
Merle: This is - this is gonna take a couple of thousand pieces of gold for me to get over this.
Director: Oh, I’m - unfortunately my per diem is empty. I -
Merle: I don’t believe you!
Director: Listen, I - this is a - this is a work in progress, this thing we’ve - we’re working on here. I’m sorry to raise a stink on Candlenights of all nights. You’re free to go.
Taako: This is, as you say, a work in progress. And this… is a twerk in progress.

Justin: And I start twerking.

[Travis sings some twerk music]

Taako: Ooh, you like that? Do you like it?

Travis: Freeze frame!

Justin: But I’m still twerking.

Travis: Yeah. Everything’s frozen.

Justin: Like, yeah, like the end of Police Squad, I’m just twerking, except for everyone else freezes.

[Second half of "Madam Director" plays]

Griffin: I’m gonna do a little post credits epilogue. To the Crystal Kingdom.

Justin: Uh oh. Ok, should we listen? Or take our headsets-

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You’ve returned to your upgraded bedroom suite and started to unpack your adventure kits. You’re also cleaning up after the Candlenights party. Your bedroom is still kind of decorated with Candlenights regalia, there’s gift wrapping sort of strewn across the room, and some drinks and refreshments are left out.

People left this party in a hurry to kick off this mission. Through the glass window below you can see the dim lights of the Millers’ lab shine through a thick blanket of snow.

And as you’re unpacking and getting ready for bed, Taako, you hear a voice coming out of your bag. As you rustle around you find the source of it, and it’s the fuse that Lucas recovered from his mother’s conduit and handed to you all. And it’s unlit.

Travis: Are we all together, Griffin? Or is–

Griffin: Yeah, you’re all - you’re all together. And it’s -

Clint: We’re eating shawarma.

Griffin: And it’s - you’re having some Candlenights shawarma. It’s cold but it’s still good. And this lantern is unlit, there’s no spirit inside of it, it’s vacant, but you can feel some machinery inside of it faintly whirring. And you hear a voice inside of it, and the voice sounds kind of like Maureen’s voice? But like totally lifeless, and for lack of a better term, inanimate. And you hear this voice deliver what sounds like kind of a grim prophecy. And this lantern says:

I saw all of existence, all at once. I saw a dark storm, a living hunger, eating it from within. But I saw a brilliant light heralded by seven birds flying tirelessly from the storm. I saw seven birds:
The Twins
The Lover
The Protector
The Lonely Journal Keeper
The Peacemaker
And The Wordless One

Griffin: And then it repeats that list again:

The Twins
The Lover
The Protector
The Lonely Journal Keeper
The Peacemaker
And The Wordless One

Griffin: And it actually repeats it several more times before the machinery inside of it dies down, and it is silenced.

Travis: That’s the worst Candlenights carol I’ve ever heard.

[Outro Music]

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