Balance – Episode 38: The Crystal Kingdom: Chapter Ten/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone:

The Director: Lucas— he's found a grand relic. It's the Philosopher's Stone.
Magnus: The Harry Potter book?!
Lucas: The astral plane, which is where our unconscious forms— or our souls— retire, when we die.
Magnus: Did your mom die, or did she like, disappear one day?
Lucas: She... passed away. I accidently broke the astral mirror, so I gotta grow a new one of those, although—
Magnus: [sarcastically] Smooooth move, Ex-Lax!

Griffin: These purple volts of electricity surround you—

Travis: Aw, dammit!

Lucas: I am so, so sorry.
Magnus: Like, I was fighting for you! You ass!
Magnus: [hushed] Guys! Noelle's a spirit in a robot body! She's got the fuse!
Taako: You can save the world, Noelle.
Noelle: Alright then. Let's fuck 'em up!
Taako: Heellll yeeaaah.

[intro music begins]

Announcer: Aw, damn, ghosts? I didn't sign up for ghosts! I guess that's the cost of doing business in— The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]


Griffin: Ah, okay, so, you've just kicked some robot asses, um, and got a new, more badass robot companion as a result. It was a pretty good trade off. Uh, and just took a short rest... which we did before the recording, to disguise the fact that we don't know how to do that! [Clint laughs.]

You, uh... so you've made your way down this conveyor belt out of the robot manufacturing facility, and have turned off of a branch off this conveyor belt and Noelle and her new big badass robot suit kicks open a hatch into the main experiment chamber. And it certainly looks like the type of room that a climactic standoff might happen in.

Clint: That's convenient…

Travis: Just your standard final fight room?

Griffin: Yeah! If Dracula was a thing here...

Travis: Uh huh?

Griffin: He'd be... this would be his place.

Travis: Is it crystallized, Griffy?

Griffin: So, this is weird— it’s the first room you've been in this whole time that is only partially crystallized. There is-

Travis: Percentage-wise, how much?

Justin: 'Cause it spread so quickly elsewhere, right?

Griffin: Um... no... I mean, the behavior of the crystal, of everything you've seen, is it just spreads throughout everything it's touching— um, in fact, it almost looks like it's been perfectly shaped to encompass the ceiling, where it has sort of creeped in some vents in the ceiling and through some very narrow exterior windows, some exterior vents, leading outside. You can tell it's leads outside because there's a stiff Candlenights breeze blowing in. [Clint giggles.]

And hanging from this crystalline amethyst ceiling you see a stalactite. The ceiling is about fifteen feet up, the stalactite reaches down about nine feet, um, and this stalactite is huge, it's made of pure amethyst and, uh...

Clint: Cheese.

Griffin: Amethyst and cheese... no, it's just amethyst. On the floor, immediately below you, underneath this hatch, there's a big ol' pile of deactivated robots, like the ones that you saw in the assembly room. They all have fuses in their torsos, but they're all deactivated. And opposite you on the complete opposite end of the room is the gigantic locked door that you were unable to get through when you first reached this level of the lab.

So, inside the stalactite, you see a robot, frozen, that looks far more humanoid than any you've seen before. In fact, it's kinda difficult to discern whether it's a robot or not. It has the shape of a human woman, without any kind of, like, extraneous armor plating or insane peripherals like, um, like Noelle has on her. Uh, she has a fuse in her torso, and that fuse is lit up like a christmas tree. And she's frozen in place in the stalactite, and uh, the fuselight is the only thing you can see in there that's moving.

However, you can see she's holding an object in each hand. In her right hand, which she has extended out in front of her, she's holding a large, silver disk, that's comprised of a series of interlocking rings, etched with a really intricate pattern that kind of resembles circuitry, all leading to a bright, small light in the center of the disk, and that light is pulsing. And in her left hand, which she is holding at her side, you see a very plain looking stone. Um... directly— sorry, it's going to take me awhile to describe this room, directly in front—

Travis: No, you're doing great, Griffin! I'm drunk on your words!

Griffin: [chuckling] Directly in front of her—

Travis: You're a poet! A poet laureate, I would say.

Griffin: About ten feet away, in the direction that this disk she's holding is pointing, um, you see a large, circular pedestal, uhhh, about three feet high, and floating above it is a mirror. Much like the ones you saw floating in orbit in the Cosmoscope chamber that you were in.

Travis: Okay…

Griffin: This one is made of brilliant sapphire with an intricate platinum trim, uh, and like the Cosmoscope—

Travis: And it retails for nine ninety nine!

Griffin: And it can be yours for ten easy payments of ninety-nine cents!

[soft giggling]

Travis: What a deal!

Griffin: Like the Cosmoscope mirrors, you see, in this sapphire mirror, another world.

Travis: [dramatic gasp]

Griffin: And in that world, you see tens of thousands of these floating white lights, um, sailing over a giant lake comprised of swirling rainbow-hued waters. And the lights float, they occasionally interact with each other, and dive under the water, causing a ripple of light to move across the surface of the lake. It's kind of a wondrous sight, but it's made slightly less wondrous by kind of an eyesore, slightly in the background. You see an island in this lake, and on that island you see a massive fortress, uh, comprised of stone and steel. It looks like a pretty intimidating building.

Travis: Like Castle Greyskull?

Griffin: It actually looks more like a prison.

Travis: Like Prison Greyskull?

Griffin: Like Prison Greyskull. [Travis snorts.] So, between this mirror and this stalactite with the robot frozen in it you see Lucas. He's standing under the stalactite and he's holding a big stick in his hand and there's a— he's taken off one of his gloves of his Null suit and tied it around what appears to be a hammerhead at the end of this stick and is just banging this against the stalactite and not doing, like, anything to it.

He's got his sleeve tied around his exposed hand that he took his glove off from, um, and he takes a few hits on this stalactite, doesn't really do anything, and kinda just falls over and slumps over his hammer. He looks completely exhausted. His head is bandaged up, which you noticed earlier, and that bandage is, you can see some blood coming through that now-

Justin: [confused] So, he's inside the mirror?

Griffin: No, he's between the mirror and the stalactite.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: He's banging on the stalactite trying to bust it open to get at the robot inside. He sort of slumps over, he's leaning on his hammer, uh, and when Noelle kicks that hatch open, he looks up at the three of you and he's panting and he says:

Lucas: [exhausted] Oh shit.

Travis: Now, Griffin, real quick, from where we are, do we see any immediate, like, threat?

Griffin: No. Uh, nobody— I mean, you got all those robots immediately below you, but none of 'em are activated.

Travis: And there's no, like, area of ground that we would be afraid to touch, and turn to crystal, or whatever?

Griffin: No, the ground is not crystallized— eh, regardless, you are in your Null suits. Noelle would be at risk. Carey is fine, she's in a Null suit. Noelle might be at risk, but there's no crystal on the ground.

Travis: Gotcha.

Justin: And the robot in the stalag-

Griffin: Stalac-

Justin: Stalagmite.

Griffin: Stalactite. 'Cause they hang tight to the ceiling.

Justin: And stalagmite—

Travis: [simultaneously] Because it might be on the ground!

[Justin snorts.]

Griffin: A stalagmite might be a stalactite.

[Justin and Travis laugh.]

Griffin: It's a terrible mnemonic device.

Justin: Worst rules! Yeah, as a mnemonic, it's basically useless.

[Griffin and Justin laughing.]

Justin: So do we recognize the robot inside the stalactite?

Griffin: No. You've never seen this robot before.

Clint: So we can make it out that much, to know we don't know ‘em?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: I've seen a lot of robots, are you sure I haven’t seen this one?

[Travis bursts into laughter.]

Travis: He’s a bit of a connoisseur!

Clint: Does he talk like Paul Bettany? Oh, it's a girl, I’m sorry, a woman.

Justin: It's stuck in a stalactite, it's probably not talking at all.

Clint: Okay, I have one quick question for you, Griffin.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: It’s on the ceiling, they’re on the ceiling.

Clint: On the pedestal that is facing where this robot is holding out that– circular, [mumbles] uh, doomafladgey – is there anything on that pedestal that looks roughly the same shape as the thing that the form is holding?

Griffin: No... I mean, the mirror is a circle, and this disc is a circle, but they don’t seem to, [Travis: Correspond.] it's not like they're holding a miniature mirror or anything.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Alright, I hop down! Fuck it!

Griffin: Okay. You hop down, you kind of do a maneuver to avoid falling down because there's like a big ol' pile of robots underneath you.

Travis: Can I say? It's super sweet. Like everyone kind of gasps a little bit and they're like, damn!

Griffin: Carey and Noelle move in after you. Taako and Merle, are you hopping into this room too?

Clint: Oh, we're hopping! And I would also suggest that maybe Noelle is now— since she's a big badass now— we call her NO-L, like N-O dash L.

Travis: Now we'll call her Yes-L!

Justin: No-Hell. No-Hell.

Travis: There it is! Yeah.

Griffin: Lucas is kind of like, he's scrambling backwards away from you guys.

Travis: Oh, I'm walking right at him, I did not stop moving when I landed. I'm gonna fucking squeeze the life out of that little weasel.

Griffin: Okay, he’s like-

Lucas: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry—
Magnus: I'm going to fucking kick your ass, little man!

Justin: I fire Magic Missile at that little turd monster.

Griffin: Okay...?

Justin: I don't give a shit, I'm so done with this dude.

Travis: Yeah, I'm— fuck him. In fact, Griffin, what do I have to roll to do like a Batman like—

Griffin: Well, hold on, Justin, are you really casting Magic Missile? Don't say shi- Are you really Magic Missile-ing him?

Justin: [regretful] No, that's probably not Taako's style.

Travis: All right. A lesser man would've Magic Missiled the shit out of him.

Justin: Yeah, or a lesser elf. And there are few lesser elves than Taako, so that should tell you how badly he wanted to do it.


Justin: I've just been in this Crystal Kingdom since December 19th, and I would really like to kill him, if killing him-

Clint: Shit! We've been in here that long?!

Travis: We've been here SO LONG. Luckily we brought all this gorp.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Yeah, you guys have been staying hydrated, right?

Travis: Griffin, I would like to do like—

Justin: When we get back it's gonna be Garfield Junior! [Clint laughs] “This is my son!” "I'm Garfield the Deals Warlock Junior! My Daddy— you knew my Peepaw?"

Travis: "I wanted to be a musician, but Dad insisted I do this!"

Justin: The fantasy gachapon is gonna take credit cards. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: It's gonna take Apple Pay.

Travis: Griffin, what do I have to roll to do like a Batman like Arkham like, I pick him up and I'm going, tell me about the Riddler!

Griffin: You can do an intimidation check.

Travis: I wanna do that please.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I almost never get to do those and I'm trained in that! Yeah boy! Sixteen plus four, twenty.

Griffin: Yes. He is intimidated. Are you getting physical at all?

Travis: Oh yeah. I’m picking him up by the scruff of his neck.

Griffin: Okay. You pick him up. He's smaller than you, so that's a pretty easy thing. He goes–

Lucas: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay, stop! Please don't hurt me, okay?
Magnus: [a la Batman] TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!
Lucas: Jesus!
Magnus: I am done fucking around. You left us up there in a room paralyzed, attacked by some kind of crystal golem— fucking TALK, NOW.
Lucas: Okay-


Clint: Okay, and, I give a very subtle wink to Taako, who doesn't see it cause he's not paying attention. And I walk over and I say,

Merle: Listen, Lucas, y’know, I'm your pal, but look, Magnus is really pissed. I'd tell him what he wants to hear if I were you, buddy.
Taako: Oh hell yeah, good cop/bad cop! I love this stuff!
Merle: Shhhhh! Not out loud!
Taako: Oh. Right, right, right.

Griffin: It's good cop, bad cop, aloof cop. [Clint and Travis laugh]

Justin: Good cop, good cop, guy who's there to pay a parking ticket. [Travis laughs]

Lucas: Okay, stop, okay! I'll explain everything. I-- [sigh] When I contacted the Director earlier today I told her that I found the Philosopher's Stone a couple weeks ago. That was a lie.
Magnus: Yeah!
Lucas: I actually found it— I've had it for four months now. I found it for my mother, Maureen. She... she spent her whole life studying the planes and the realities that lie beyond our own. The cosmoscope which I showed you earlier, that was her life's work.
Lucas: It's not just some room with some mirrors that let you look at the different planes; when you arrange those mirrors in a certain way, you're able to see into alternate realities, into parallel worlds. But she wasn't able to complete it because we didn't have the Philosopher's Stone. With the Stone, I was able to create the mirrors that she needed, and my mother was able to complete her life's work, but it was...
Magnus: Lucas?
Lucas: Yeah?
Magnus: Is your mother the robot?
Lucas: ...Something went wrong.
Magnus: Yeah, okay.
Lucas: She insisted that she test out the cosmoscope, she wouldn't let me go in with her. And when she used it the way it was intended, her mind was destroyed. Literally. I lost her and I became obsessed with saving her. With my background in robotics and my studies in planar energies that I learned under my mother, I devised a plan. I invented the conduit, a device capable of storing a living spirit and giving it agency over a robotic body.
Lucas: I created that to give her a new body that she could live in, and I created the siphon which I could use to find her in the astral plane and fish her out of there and put her in her new body. When I invented those, I— I tested them out on you, Noelle, you were the first one I found. I found you in the astral plane mirror and I pulled you out and I put you in that body and I'm so sorry for dragging you into this, it was so selfish of me. But I looked for weeks and then this morning I found my mother in there.

Griffin: He points at the mirror, at that prison that you can see inside of it. He says,

Lucas: I extracted her into this custom conduit. It was my masterpiece. And I'd hoped she would be this- the brilliant, caring woman that she was in life, but her mind is just gone. She– she attacked me, and I escaped, and I went to the medbay to regroup and patch myself up, and here we are. She's got the Philosopher's Stone, she crystallized herself in that stalactite-
Magnus: [sighing]
Lucas: —she took the siphon in with her. She nearly killed me and I-I just, I have no idea why.
Merle: And what have we learned from this?
Magnus: I defended you up there.
Lucas: Yeah…
Magnus: And you've hidden all of this from us. We could have helped. You could've worked with the Director to figure all of this out. Like… as a scientist you have disappointed, you have let down the concept of experimentation and science. You're a coward and I hate you.

Griffin: He starts a-sniffling. He's got tears welling up.

Travis: Good. I drop him in a heap on the ground.

Griffin: He says,

Lucas: I'm sorry I just, I thought I could still save her, I thought I could still defuse the situation myself, I thought— I’m worried that you guys would do some- would hurt her, you'd make me— you'd put her back in the astral plane and that I'd lose her again!
Magnus: She's gone, Lucas. Would your mother have struck you?
Lucas: No...
Magnus: Your mother is gone. Help us fix this.
Lucas: ...Okay.
Merle: And you peed a little. You peed your pants a little.
Magnus: You did pee a little, he's right.
Lucas: I did. I don't know how you could tell that.

Travis: He rolled a really high perception check.

Taako: Okay, listen, let's start from page one, okay? Who is in the stalactite?

[Travis laughing]

Griffin: You hear a voice come out of the mirror, and this voice says,

Kravitz: You guys really aren't that sharp, are you? Still having some trouble figuring this— still cracking this nut, huh?
Magnus: Well, hold on, don't— like— there’s three of us, we work individually, we're not a hive mind. Maybe one of us, but like, I would say at least one of us has a solid grasp, one of us is halfway there, and probably one of us just started paying attention.
Merle: And I’ve gotta ask a question, mirror. Who's the fairest of them all?

Travis: Oh, God.

Kravitz: It's certainly not you, my man. [crosstalk]

Travis: Oh, mean!

Justin: Savage.

Griffin: You actually, you're not just addressing the mirror, you can actually see a figure inside of the mirror.

Travis: To Dad's credit, though, Griffin, in the Snow White story there's a figure in the mirror then too.

Griffin: That is fair, that is fair. You see a strikingly handsome dark-haired man. He's wearing a fancy suit that is covered by a long black flowing cowled robe.

Travis: Oh, it's Death!

Griffin: And he says,

Kravitz: Let me break this down for you. That nerd is a necromancer.
Magnus: Uh huh.
Kravitz: And necromancy is real bad stuff.
Magnus: Yes...?
Kravitz: We're not fans of that over here, where I come from.
Magnus: And where is that?
Kravitz: You really are– you really don't—?
Magnus: No, that was a... rhetorical question.
Merle: Guys! It's the Phantom Zone!
Magnus: So you're Death or Hades or something...
Kravitz: Listen. You're- you’re not too far off. My— I'm Kravitz. Charmed.
Magnus: Lenny?
Kravitz: Still not good, still not a good goof, but— [crosstalk]

[Travis does a passable "American Woman" imitation]

Justin: It's like he's in the room with me.

Kravitz: We'll have time to workshop it later. I, some people call me Death, sure.
Magnus: Some people call you a space cowboy.
Kravitz: Boy, you're not intimidated by me at all, are you.
Magnus: [guilty tone] Noooo.
Kravitz: Okay. Some people call me Death, sure, some people call me— oh, in some societies I’m called the Grim Reaper. I like that one.
Magnus: Oh, I saw you in a movie with Bill and Ted!
Kravitz: I prefer to go by Kravitz. And I am a bounty hunter for the Raven Queen. The goddess of the natural order of life and death. I hunt down wayward souls that escape from the astral plane, or those who escape from the eternal stockade—

Griffin: He motions to the prison behind him.

Kravitz: —where souls who've passed on to the astral plane who conspired to escape the astral plane, that's where we lock them up. I dole out punishment for anybody who breaks the natural laws of life and death, and I've gotta tell you, this laboratory is a veritable piñata of punishment—
Magnus: A real abomination, very much– it sounds like we're on the same side, here, Kravitz.
Kravitz: Ohhh, that’s... let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Griffin: He motions, and that book appears that he consulted with earlier. And he says,

Kravitz: Lucas Miller, you've been found guilty of aiding in the escape of your deceased mother Maureen from the eternal stockade, where she was in prison for conspiring to escape back to the mortal world. Your mother was in prison, Lucas, and you can't break people out of prison.
Magnus: [pious] It's bad.
Kravitz: I was assigned your family's bounty, Lucas, but when I got here and I met you three, that's when I found an even bigger trophy.
Magnus: Wait now, hold on,
Taako: Wait a minute...
Merle: Yeah!
Magnus: What did I— what did Magnus do?
Kravitz: Magnus—

Clint: Good teamwork, Trav.

Travis: Hey, I mean, I want to make it clear here!

Griffin: He flips through a few pages of this book that's floating in front of him, he goes,

Kravitz: Let's see, let's see. Taako. We'll start with you.
Taako: Hell-o.
Kravitz: Taako…
Taako: Hell-o.
Kravitz: You've died 8 times.
Taako: *mumbles as if counting to himself* —That tracks.

Clint: Well, one was a coma… right?

Travis: I mean it was debatable, we got a second opinion, one guy said coma, one guy said death...

Kravitz: Cut— cut the goofs. You've died 8 times and checked into the astral plane exactly zero times.
Taako: Is that actually true? I feel like I ducked my head in the astral plane, right?
Merle: You dipped your toes in...
Magnus: Well, you did the spa, and you did the hole thing and you climbed up a rope...

Griffin: So those are like little discreet like, extra planes that you can sort of create [Travis: Okay, okay…] um, and— with your magic you pop into the— shit, what's it called? Not the astral plane. [crosstalk]

Justin: The ethereal—?

Griffin: Not the astral plane— yeah, the ethereal plane. The astral plane is like the afterlife.

Travis: And has Taako actually— [laugh] I'm sorry I haven't paid any attention to any of the episodes we've done [Clint: (in background) None of us have!]— has he actually died? in game? And we've brought him back? Eight times? That seems like a lot!

Griffin: I mean, you've gotten... been knocked unconscious but nobody's died. If you did, then I would have different hosts on this podcast right now.

Travis: Oh. We wouldn't just get new characters?

Griffin: Those are the rules. Well, maybe. No, of course you would. He flips through the book again and he goes,

Kravitz: Magnus, let's do you next. Magnus, what's your family name?
Magnus: Burnsides.
Kravitz: Oh yeah, that's right. Magnus Burnsides. You've died...19 times!
Magnus: That doesn't sound right!
Kravitz: And you've made zero trips to the astral plane.
Magnus: Now hold on, hold on, hold on. I think I'd remember!
Kravitz: Merle-
Merle: Let him finish, let him...
Kravitz: Merle Highchurch. Merle...
Merle: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Kravitz: [drawing it out] Merrrrrllllllle fuckin' Highchurch. You, my dear friend, care to take a guess? Care to wager a guess?
Magnus: Closest without going over. Taako, go.
Merle: I'm just surprised my middle name is "fuckin’"! I had no idea.
Kravitz: Are you?
Merle: No….
Taako: I'm gonna go with 1 in case we're doing Price is Right rules.
Magnus: You know what, I'm gonna go the other way and say 1999.
Kravitz: Somewhere in between there. Merle Highchurch, the richest bounty I've ever hunted. You, my dear man, have died 57 times. [Clint background laughter] 57 times! Fifty se-veh-eh-en times!
Taako: That’s despicable.

Travis: Oh wait, shit, is this alternate dimension stuff?

Kravitz: And you've never come to visit! You've never come to visit me, Merle!
Merle: I never call!
Kravitz: After 57 deaths! That's just rude!
Magnus: When you say 'died'—
Kravitz: Died!
Taako: What do you-
Kravitz: Deceased! Lost your hit points and more!


Merle: Are you spelling it d-y-e-d?
Taako: In what reality have we died? Because we're still here!
Kravitz: Yeah, that's— yeah, great question! I've been wrestling with that one myself!

Griffin: He's getting angrier as he is, like, counting up your tally. And as he gets angrier, his form is starting to change. His black robe is growing longer and it's fraying and billowing out behind him. His face is turning gaunt until it simply becomes a red-eyed skull. He's got his hand outstretched and a scythe forms in it from nowhere.

Travis: Cooooool.

Magnus: Hey Lucas… psst… [Griffin: He looks, he looks-] can he get here without that sapphire mirror thing?
Lucas: I...

Griffin: Lucas is just like trembling on the floor. He's just a puddle.

Travis: I kick him.

Griffin: Okay. Kravitz is starting to look like really terrifying. But you see something else in the mirror. Something kind of unsettling in the background. [creepy ambient noise begins playing] That stone prison, the eternal stockade behind him, you see a swarm of those shimmering grey lights start to pour out of its few narrow barred windows and doors. And they are sort of gelling and morphing together to form a massive spectral hand which is slowly sneaking up on Kravitz, who continues his spiel. He says,

Kravitz: I can't allow you to stay out there, you have to know that, but there's no reason for you to die violently. Just come— just come with me, go— come in easy, please.
Magnus: Um, Kravitz? No, you know what, nothing. Never mind. [Clint laughs]
Taako: You know, I will say, if you wanted to lure me in there, you should've stayed handsome, my fella.
Magnus: Yeah, that is an excellent point. You're getting it spooky scary!
Taako: Yeah, and people were all ready to write slash fiction between you and me, and then you turned all skeletal.

Travis: A whole bunch of artists just had to erase half of the portrait they had done!

Taako: Piggyback rides...


Clint: Taakitz! We'd call it Taakitz, that would be the shipper name.

Justin: Taakitz! That's good.

Travis: Taakitz, that is good!

Kravitz: That’s enough! I want to know your answer. Are you coming with me or not?!

Griffin: This hand is like, right behind him now.

Magnus: [slowly, stalling] The answer... to whether we're going to come with you or not... is...

Griffin: Okay, this hand, this massive silvery hand grabs him suddenly, and you hear the wind just sort of get knocked out of him. And it grabs him and just slams him into the ground over and over and over and over and over again. And you hear him wailing as this hand just like… [Clint: As the hand’s whaling on him.] just completely demolishes him. And lightning-quick, pulls him back into the stockade behind him. And after it—

Travis: We did it!

Clint: We solved the Kravitz puzzle!

Griffin: After it dispatches Kravitz, the stalactite begins to hum.

Travis: Oh, poopie.

Griffin: You can feel a vibration in the air around you. It's like someone just hit a gigantic tuning fork. [“Crystal Kingdom - Verse 4” begins to play] And these vibrations, they're not dying down, they're actually intensifying, until the amethyst around the ceiling begins to emit those crinkle-tinkles.

Magnus: Lucas? Lucas. What the fuck is this?
Lucas: I don’t know! I don’t know!
Magnus: You don’t know?
Lucas: No, I don’t know! I don’t know anything! I’m sorry!
Magnus: Can you turn off the sapphire portal?
Lucas: I can’t! I don’t know how!

Griffin: You hear those crinkle-tinkles coming from the ceiling, and another verse of the song plays out, but it's different this time. You are right next to this stalactite with the robot inside of it, and you actually hear multiple voices coming from the robot, and you hear a chorus, also sort of singing in unison from the mirror. And together they sing the following:

Kept from our children, lovers, friends
Subject to laws we did not make
This is where separation ends
And souls of the lost will come awake
Enter this crystal kingdom

Griffin: The voices just sang, in case you couldn’t understand it or in case you’re the three people in this call who didn’t hear the song: [repeats the lyrics plainly]

Magnus: Oh, fuck.
Taako: Son of a bitch!
Merle: [Faintly] Damn it!

Griffin: A lot of things happen at once. The disc that Maureen's robot form inside the stalactite is holding: a brilliant white beam of light shoots out and pierces into the mirror. And you see a swarm of these souls fly at light speed, well, not at light speed, you wouldn't be able to see it. But-

Travis: I don't know, I've got pretty good Perception.

Griffin: That's fair. And they bash against their side of the mirror and start to burrow through. And as they breach into your side of the mirror, they seem to, again, sort of organically meld together into a kind of like silvery goo that encases this floating mirror entirely.

And from that goo, a humongous skeletal form appears. It has two massive bony arms, a ribcage, torso, that's sort of sticking out of the mirror, it's just like everything from the waist up is coming out of this mirror, and a large shrouded skull. And this silvery substance seems to make up its form; inside of it you can make out these faint faces, most of which seem to be locked in a grimace. And from this skeletal being that's about-- it’s about 10 feet tall, you hear a cacophony of voices that all say simultaneously:

Legion: [many voices overlapping] Thank you Maureen, your job is done.

Travis: Dammit.

Griffin: This big skeleton turns toward the three of you, or I should say five of you, well six of you, I’m not counting Lucas, and it says:

Legion: Living ones! Permit us entry into this world so that we may tear down the barriers between life and death. Join us in our cause.
Magnus: No-

Travis: I'm looking at Taako and Merle here.

Magnus: N-noooo? No?
Merle: Huddle! Huddle! Huddle!
Magnus: One second!
Legion: No, take your time.
Merle: Listen, listen. You know, we've probably put a whole bunch of those people in there.
Magnus: Like, Phandalin at least, yeah, yeah. Tom Bodett...
Merle: Phandalin… We're not gonna get good treatment at the hands of a bunch of dead people that we offed.

Justin: Griffin, do I recognize any of the faces in the… in the mass?

Griffin: Roll an investigation check.

Justin: That would be fifteen.

Travis: I rolled a fourteen.

Griffin: You actually see the faces of Magic Brian, Jenkins, and Marvy in there, who you apparently did not obliterate, as much as you just banished them back to the astral plane, but they don’t seem to have any kind of, like, they don’t seem to have any kind of character or agency about them right now, you just sort of see their floating, miserable faces, inside of this giant form—

Travis: And all of these spirits came out of the Prison Greyskull, right?

Griffin: Yeah yeah yeah.

Travis: So they’re probably the bad ones.

Griffin: They say:

Legion: Will you join us in our cause to merge our worlds? We can find a way to be alive again!
Magnus: ...I’m gonna have to go with no, right?

[Merle and Taako utter out agreements simultaneously.]

Magnus: Yeah, we’re gonna have to say no, but if you have any pamphlets you wanna leave, or…
Merle: And we really appreciate you asking first!
Magnus: Yes, that was very nice of you!
Merle: Yes, that shows really good manners on your part! You were very sweet to ask, but we’re gonna say no, and so—

Justin: Character voices, character voices, character voices…

Clint: Oh, yeah!

Merle: [in an exaggerated old voice] Listen, we really appreciate you asking nicely— and you know, asking permission-

Justin: Wait— not-- [crosstalk]

Travis: How long have we been in here? Dad aged fifty years!

Merle: [slightly better in-character voice] Oh, listen— we really appreciate it! Appreciate you asking first! It was really considerate! Guys, am I right?

[Magnus and Taako utter out agreements simultaneously.]

Merle: It’s good etiquette, and you know, so many people these days don’t— they don’t do the etiquette!

Travis: (talking over Merle) While Merle is talking, I wanna start kinda creeping around towards the sapphire thing.

Griffin: The mirror?

Travis: Yeah.

Merle: So, u-uh- kudos to you! [stalling] I think it was great! It’s wonderful! It’s beautiful! But, listen, we’re gonna take a no… but thank you so much! And listen—

Travis: (talking over Merle) I’ve got a fifteen stealth check.

[Justin giggles.]

Merle: Now, on your way out! Look, if you’ll just make sure, because they, the trashcan guys, they left them in the street… if you’ll just move them back... Thanks! God bless! [blows a kiss] See ya!

Travis: And I wanna smash the mirror.

Griffin: [amused] Okay, you contested, uh, their perception check, uh, and they got a nineteen...

Travis: Dammit! [assorted laughter] Poopie! Poopie, poopie, poopie!

Griffin: And it slams its two fists into the ground very, very close to you, Magnus, and this giant, uh, being, shouts:

Legion: You will join us one way or another!

Justin: So this isn’t the robot in the stalactite, right?

Griffin: This is, from what you can tell, a legion of ghosts.

Justin: Perfect! Cool…

Griffin: As it says that and slams its fists into the ground, from behind it, let’s say you see sixteen of these gray balls of light come out of that prison and bust through the mirror into the room that you all are in, and super quickly zip into that giant pile of deactivated robots. And sixteen robots shuffle their way out of the pile and encircle you. Let’s roll some initiative.

[the interlude music plays; Legion]

[interlude: {33:34-39:49} ]  

[the interlude music plays again, fades off into Griffin’s voice]

Griffin: So… you’ve got sixteen robots, you’ve got this big, giant… let’s just call it ‘Legion’, because that’s what I have it listed as in my notes. This giant being made out of many, many ghosts, that is coming out of the mirror, into the astral plane, it has encased the entire mirror in its silvery goo, and, uh… first in the order is Carey, who turns to Noelle, and says:

Carey: [pumped, frantic] Let’s take care of the robots! Let’s take care of the robots! You get the robots— you’re a robot, you should know how to fuck up robots— you boys, you take care of that big… what is— the big… I don’t even know what that thing is- [crosstalk] Okay cool!
Magnus: Yeah, no I got it— I had you at big!

Griffin: Carey does like a—

Magnus: Let’s not fight! Carey! Carey? Carey. I’m sorry I yelled.

Griffin: Carey does a… badass roll over Noelle’s giant hulking robotic shoulders, and… [rolls a die] stabs a dagger into two robots, right in the core, deactivating them, and then… [another roll] throws her dagger into a third, taking it out of commission, too. So she singlehandedly...

Travis: Man, I wish I was a rogue!

Griffin: I’ve got some weird mechanics for this fight… but, uh, those two are going to act differently than you guys are? And, uh… Actually, next in the order actually is Noelle, who cocks her gun arm and points it at a row of robots and she takes three of them out of commission. So, the two of them go back to back, and take out six robots leaving ten robots in the circle around you.

Magnus: Hey, guys, here in a second, we’re totally gonna fight this big skeleton thing, but let’s just, like, comment on the fact that they are way more capable than we are!
Taako: Yeah, that’s not new information.
Merle: And that it looks really kinda cool. Yeah, it’s awesome.
Magnus: Oh it’s so cool! I’m so glad we’re all here to see this!

Griffin: Yeah, no, they’re flipping the fuck around the room, and like, doing all kinds of-

Magnus: I don’t pity anyone who’s not actually here seeing this! Wait, or I do pity? W-whatever.

Griffin: Next in the order is… Legion, who is going to rear back its massive skeletal right arm, and it’s going to take a swipe at you, Magnus, since you tried to rush it…

Travis: Uh huh?

Griffin: ...and it’s going to try and grab ya.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Oh… that is a… twenty-six.

Travis: [jokingly] Versus…?

Griffin: Any number but your health, I think that’s gonna hit.

Travis: Yep! It super does! I dunno, versus my speed, I probably would’ve beat it, too…

Griffin: Legion grabs you— with its right arm— brings you right up to its face, and roars right in your face—

Travis: Uh-huh. I roar back.

Griffin: Okay? It does not seem to care—

Travis: Neither do I.

Griffin: —because it gives you the ol’ four seam right at the wall. You hit the wall and you take only eleven points of damage, but make a dexterity saving throw to see if you can avoid landing prone.

Travis: That would be seventeen.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you slam up against the wall, and in an unlikely feat, you land on your feet. You got thrown basically right backwards, past the stalactite, and basically near the hatch, near this big ol’ robot pile, but you have landed on your feet! Next in the order is… oh, I’m sorry! Legion gets two moves.

Travis: What?!

Griffin: For its second move, it is going to point its other hand at you, Taako-

Taako: Aww, man!

Griffin: —and over your head, a small silver flame appears. And just kinda floats there, over your head.

Travis: Wait, I’ve seen this! He’s the ghost of Christmas past!

[Clint laughs.]

Griffin: Uh… that’s it for Legion’s turn! Next in the order is… Merle.

Merle: Okay, uh…

Griffin: You’ve got ten robots, you got... Carey and Noelle sort of addressing them, and you’ve got Legion.

Merle: I want to cast Guardian of Faith.

Griffin: Okay!

Merle: I want Della Reese, my giant Della Reese—

Griffin: Wait, can you determine the size of Della Reese?

Travis: Can any of us?

Griffin: [laughing] That is fair.

Travis: Now Griffin, do you think my Rustic Hospitality trait helps at all here?

Griffin: If it wasn’t for that Rustic Hospitality, you would have not landed on your feet just then. In fact, you probably would have exploded as soon as you hit the wall. I always factor that—

Travis: I’m so glad I’m so hospitable!

Griffin: I always factor that in.

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Hey, Dad, can you remind me how Guardian of Faith works?

Clint: A large spectral guardian appears, hovers for the duration, the duration, in a spot where I put it. It’s got a gleaming sword and shield and any creature hostile to you that moves to a space within ten feet of that guardian for the first time on a turn has to succeed on a dexterity saving throw. The creature takes twenty radiant damage on a failed save, or half as much on a successful one.

Griffin: Okay. And you’re just going to plop this thing down...?

Clint: I’m gonna put it right amidst, hovering majestically, like, y’know, six feet above our clustered group.

Griffin: Okay.

Merle: Should I do my battle cry now? Taako?

Griffin: Yeah man.

Travis: You’ve teased it so much at this point, Dad. Just do it!

Merle: Light ‘em up, Egon!

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Okay…

Travis: That’s pretty good!

Griffin: That’s intellectual property theft. Um, next in the order are the robots. Taako, make a dexterity saving throw for me.

Justin: Twelve… plus… three.

Griffin: That is not gonna do it. This circle of robots— there are ten robots right now— all turn towards you, and you see that each of them has much smaller but still dangerous-looking blasters, on their arms, kinda like the ones Magic Brian had, and that, I should say, that Noelle currently has, and fiery beams emerge from them, and like a firing line, all come towards you, and you are gonna take… nineteen points of damage.

Justin: Alright.

Clint: Now is that something that just moved close to him?

Griffin: No, these guys are all sorta outside of the... they’re all sort of standing in a circle, all around the room. None of them moved, they just, turned and fired. I can’t factor in the movements of a bunch of different robots, I’d lose my mind. As they do that, Taako, that white light that was over your head disappears.

Justin: Oh, that- okay! That’s good.

Griffin: Next in the order is Magnus.

Justin: [gasp] It’s targeting…

Taako: It’s targeting us!

Justin: There. Now everybody knows.

[Clint chuckles.]

Travis: Okay, so… I’m gonna charge right back up there!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I’m still on my feet?

Griffin: Yeah. You have a move.

Justin: How close together are the ten robots? and

Travis: Wait— before I run—

Magnus: Lucas!
Lucas: (exasperated) W-what?
Magnus: [firmly] If I smash the mirror thing, will it go away?
Lucas: (sigh) It— it should— I mean, the mirror has to be perfect in order for it to maintain a connection with our—
Magnus: Got it!

[Travis giggling.]

Lucas: O-okay.

Travis: I run up, Griffin, I charge at the mirror, double-handed axe.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: (mumbling, fiddling with the dice) I guess I attack the mirror…

Travis: That’s eighteen plus seven… twenty-five?

Griffin: That is a hit, but as you bring your axe down on the mirror, you don’t seem to penetrate this layer of silver goo that the Legion has encased this mirror in, so the damage goes to Legion. You don’t even seem to like, part it or move the goo at all, but you hear Legion recoil in pain.

Travis: I’m gonna do a Goading Attack on Legion, then.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Cool. So the damage is fifteen, and you need to roll better than a fourteen to avoid it.

Griffin: I did not. I got a nine. I am goaded.

Travis: I’m gonna use my second attack—

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: —to swing again!

Griffin: Okay. Go for it.

Travis: That’s probably not gonna do it… sixteen plus seven… twenty-three?

Griffin: [incredulous] Yeah, that’s gonna do it!

Travis: Oh… Well, I didn’t know. And this time, I hit for only eight points of damage.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And you know what? I’m gonna use my Action Surge, and hit again! It’s all, I can do. ...Fourteen plus seven, twenty-one!

Griffin: That’s a hit.

Travis: Yaaay!, plus... so, thirteen points of damage.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, that’s a lot of damage.

Travis: And then I pull out my squeeze bottle, maybe towel off some sweat, sit down on a stool nearby, and think about how good I did, hitting three times in a row.

Griffin: [giggling] Okay! Taako, you’re up.

Justin: Okay, how closely grouped are the ten robots?

Griffin: Um, they are standing in a circle around this room. We’ll say they are each about, three feet apart?

Justin: [quietly] Can I delay my turn?

Griffin: Yeah? Do you just… you havin’ trouble thinking of something to do?

Justin: No! No no no! I know what I want to do, but, yeah. I wanna delay my turn.

Griffin: Okay! Next in the order— just let me know when you want to pop in— [Justin: You got it.] Next up is Carey and Noelle. Let’s just make them do like a joint attack. Maybe Noelle throws Carey, who spins with her knives, through—

Travis: And it’s super cool, you guys!

Clint: Like a speedball special!

Griffin: Holy shit. This joint attack takes out seven bots, leaving just a paltry three robots.

Justin: That is why ‘cha boy delayed his turn.

[Assorted giggles.]

Griffin: Next in the order is… Legion.

Travis: Well hold on, Justin, did you want to go?

Justin: No no no, I want Legion to go now.

Griffin: Next in the order is Legion, who is going to use its first action to conjure up some spirits from the prison behind him, and these spirits, you see it fly into the room with you, and they just sort of meld in with Legion’s skeletal form, healing him…

Travis: Well, poop! That’s not fair.

Griffin: [a dice rolls] ...for nineteen points of damage. And with the second action, Legion is going to summon more spirits from the prison. [another dice rolls] Oh man, he summons fourteen spirits from the prison, which fly out of the mirror, and into the big pile of bots, and fourteen new fresh, hot bots pop out of the pile; you got seventeen robots in the room with you now. That is all Legion going to do with for their turn, though, Merle is next in the order.

Magnus: Merle! Do you have anything that would, like, banish shit?

Clint: That’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna cast, I’m gonna Channel Divinity, I am going to Turn Undead, I hold up my symbol, my holy, holy symbol—

Griffin: Your Extreme Teen Bible.

Clint: My Extreme Teen Bible, they gotta make a wisdom saving throw.

Travis: And it affects anyone that can see you.

Clint: I say they because isn’t—I mean, there’s a whole mess of—

Griffin: Yeah, no, it’s a plural. It’s a plural form.

Clint: Okay…

Griffin: Oh shit. Uh, no.

Travis: But it affects all the robots, too.

Griffin: Yes, it would affect every robot in the room. I’m gonna roll a joint saving throw for the robots so I don’t have to do it, whatever, fifteen times. [dice rolls] Uh, the robots save, Legion does not.

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: Legion kind of, ah... scatters. You don’t destroy Legion— it’s a bit too powerful for that— but you do turn Legion, and basically what that’s going to amount to is... Legion kind of… splats? A little bit, for lack of a better term? And you send some goo of Legion sort of scattering throughout the room. And it immediately starts to self-form again, but you have scattered it all around the place, exposing the mirror to the astral plane.

Travis: Yes yes yes yes yes!

Clint: Okay…?

Griffin: Oh, by the way, when you splat it, you do send it flying into the Danger Zone. So it’s gonna have to roll a dexterity saving throw, to avoid being pierced by Della Reese. [die roll] It does not save on a dexterity saving throw.

Clint: Way to go, Della.

Griffin: Della, as this thing kinda pops off towards it, you see your angelic Della Reese form, just kinda fuckin’ Fruit Ninja this guy as he goes flying all around the room, cutting him up with a golden radiant sword. How much damage does it do?

Clint: It does twenty radiant damage.

Griffin: It actually does forty to Legion, who you hear scream out in pain, as pieces of it go flying all around the room.

Merle: I’m sorry! (calling out) I’m sorry! (quietly) Oh, I hate that...

Griffin: But immediately that silver goo starts to creep back together, starting to approach the middle of the room again. Next in the order is the robots, who are going to attack... let's see, let's roll a random dice for them... actually, the robots are going to attack Lucas.

Travis: Good.

Griffin: The robots line up a salvo of shots— ooh, no way. And you see them, all fifteen of them, or seventeen of them, shit--

Travis: Uh, Griffin? I almost hate to do it, but can I use Protection to make it Disadvantaged against the attack on Lucas?

Griffin: Is it— does that work on melee attacks or ranged attacks or both?

Travis: It says… when attacked with a weapon.

Griffin: No, no, I'm sorry, Trav, it wasn't an attack, it was a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: Oh, okay, great. Whew.

Griffin: He is going to get attacked. That was going to be a really sweet moment, but instead, Lucas gets—

Travis: Wait, wait, I want him to know that I tried.

Justin: Wait, wait, before— uh, how big's the biggest chunk of, uh— so Lucas has like the targeting reticule right? Like, I know Lucas is being targeted?

Griffin: He doesn't have that little fire thing above him. It just, you see all the robots point their weapons at him. Seems like without direction they just target whoever they want.

Justin: Okay. Would I have time to slip in my turn here, or are they gonna hit him no matter what?

Griffin: You would have had to have told me that you wanted to take your turn before they did.

Justin: Okay, got it.

Griffin: Lucas gets blasted by seventeen different lasers and he slumps to the ground. And you see some vapor coming off of him. And he ain't movin'.

Travis: Cotton.

Griffin: Cotton. Thick, thick, thick! He’s vaping, right now, inside of his— no, he’s just been blasted to shit.

Travis: I mean, okay– listeners, we did try, both Justin and I. Just, he was meant to die now.

Griffin: You can take your turn now, Taako, if you want.

Justin: Well, yeah, uhm...

Griffin: We’re almost back to where you were in the order to begin with.

Justin: Yeah, I guess I should go ahead and um... I'm-a tell you what I’m gonna try... I'm gonna cast Shatter on the stalactite.

Griffin: Okay?

Justin: Yeah... I'm gonna do that. Uh, it's gonna do— the stalactite's not magical, right? We've established that just ‘cause it’s weird-

Griffin: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

Justin:— doesn’t mean it’s magical. It is going to do 3d8 thunder damage. Sixteen.

Griffin: You cause this stalactite— you send a big crack up it.

Travis: Tee hee hee!

Griffin: And that crack very slowly creeps towards the ceiling, and you send the stalactite plummeting down to the ground, and as it hits it, this stalactite just kind of continues to shatter, freeing up the robot inside of it. There’s an unintended, or perhaps intended consequence of this, is that as the crystal hits the ground, it begins to spread throughout the room, and it is moving out relatively slowly but it's creeping, it's corrupting this room.

Justin: Hell yeah.

Griffin: You see Noelle actually start to back up away from this spreading crystallization. She looks kind of worried about it, or she would if she had a face. But this robot that was inside of the stalactite stands up, is still holding both the disc and the Philosopher's Stone... you see it stand up, and it's moving kind of erratically, it's moving, it’s acting kind of strange... it starts to walk in one direction but then it kinda jerks itself backwards towards another direction, and then one of its arms is like pointing towards the mirror and the other one is like grabbing that arm and pulling it down. It almost looks like this thing is having a fight with itself, and you see it sort of bend over into the fetal position, and from its conduit in the middle of its body, you see like a dozen of these spirits just come flying out of it, as if they've been thrown out of it, DJ Jazzy Jeff style.

[Clint giggling.]

Griffin: The robot stands back up, it only has a- it- it has a much fainter light in its fuse in the middle right now, and you hear this robot point at Legion and say:

Robot: Get the hell away from my son!

Clint: Niiiice!

Taako: Yeah, that's about what I thought would happen.

Griffin: Let me roll a quick initiative for… Okay. After she points at Legion and shouts that, she looks around the room and sees the growing crystallization and then holds the stone she was holding to her chest, and you see the crystallization just sort of get sucked back up into the stones that fell to the ground, and the spreading has stopped.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Magnus, it's your turn.

Magnus: Maureen, give me the stone.
Robot (Maureen): What? Who are you?
Magnus: I'm the guy who's trying to stop all of this. Trust me. Give me the stone.
Merle: Self-centered much?
Taako: Yeah, we’re a team…
Merle: I mean we're helping too!

Griffin: Roll a persuasion check.

Travis: That’s a nineteen, plus one, twenty.

Justin: She's like, mmkay.

[General noises of laughter, “cool cool. Mmh cool”]

Griffin: She says:

Maureen: I saw you attack my son, why should I give it to you?

Griffin: Roll Disadvantage because you accosted Lucas earlier.

Travis: Fair enough! That’s a sixteen, plus one, seventeen.

Clint: So because he was a douche.

Griffin: She says:

Maureen: Are you gonna help undo this?
Magnus: Yes.
Maureen: ...Catch.

Griffin: She chucks it your way. As you grab it, Magnus, you hear a voice in your head go:

Philosopher's Stone: Yeah, that's right, use me, use me, you can turn the world to gold! Don't you want that big old golden world? Think about how it'd line your pockets. Line your pockets, kid, you can buy all the candies and sweets you want.
Taako: You're not a big enough boy to handle these kinds of objects, Magnus.

[Clint giggling.]

Travis: As that's happening, I wanna rip the glove so it folds around it, so I've got it in like a little sack, think of it that way— like my Null suit glove?

Griffin: Okay, you've got a little sack.

Clint: You’ve got a tiny little sack, we wanna make sure we’ve got this straight.

Travis: Yep.

Philosopher's Stone: [muffled] You don't want the candies and sweets, come on, think about it—

Travis: I tap it with the Glutton's Fork and I swallow it.

[assorted giggling]

Griffin: [intensely] What the fuck.

[everyone bursts into laughter]

Clint: You have been holding on to that one!

Travis: Yes I have.

Griffin: I'm gonna have to— This is like the most magical object that there is.

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: No, I'm saying Glutton's Fork works on non-magic— this is like the MOST magical...

Travis: I thought it was just, it's gotta be small enough to eat it.

Griffin: No, small non-magical objects.

Travis: But I'm doing it with the glove.

[Clint wheezing]

Griffin: You can eat this thing but it's gonna stay a stone.

Travis: That's fine, I'm not gonna digest it—

Griffin: [increasingly agitated] You can wrap this thing in a fucking Hot Pocket but it's still gonna be a magical-ass-- [crosstalk]

Travis: Yeah, it's in my tummy.

Griffin: Okay. Make a fucking constitution saving throw to see if you can swallow this fucking rock that you're trying to eat with your mouth and put in your body...

Travis: That’s a fifteen plus three— eighteen!

Griffin: I guess you turned your glove into a delicious pastry crust that you have wrapped around the Philosopher's Stone, and then through some doing—

Justin: He turned it into the Falafeler's Stone!


Griffin: —you have swallowed this thing, and it sucks, ‘cause you can hear this fucking Joe Pesci-ass voice from inside your gullet, now, shouting up into your body.

Travis: Yep. And then I’m gonna smash the mirror.

Justin: Wait Trav, don’t— [crosstalk]

Griffin: What was the point of eating the rock?

Justin: Yeah, I don’t know what you got out of that, but dude—

Travis: Well, I wanted to digest it, but then you said it was magical, but at that point I’d already committed to the idea of eating a rock, and now I figure it’s just safe in my tum-tum.

Clint: [quietly, in the background while Travis is talking] Poop it out! Poop it out!

Justin: Don’t forget to get your 2d6 points worth of health, Trav. [giggling]

Travis: Oh yeah, thank you! Uh huh. One… one! That’s two points!

Justin: ...for eating whatever detritus hoves into your field of vision!

Griffin: You actually also take two points of damage for swallowing a motherfucking rock.

Travis: Balances out! So now it's safe in my tummy.

Griffin: And spoiler alert, you're gonna take a lot mo' damage than that when it comes time to get it out.

Travis: That's fair. And now I'm gonna smash the mirror.

Griffin: Okay, make a melee attack, roll against that mirror.

Travis: Sixteen plus seven, twenty-three!

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, roll damage.

Clint: [muttering] This is gonna tear his butt up, isn't it? I know that's gonna happen…

Travis: Four, so that’s… ten damage.

Griffin: Okay. That's not a lot, but with your two-handed battle-axe swing, you put the smallest, smallest crack into this thing. And the picture behind it just vanishes, and the disc falls to the ground. Make a dexterity saving throw for me.

Travis: That’s not gonna do it. Five plus two, seven.

Griffin: Oh my. Imma roll a 1d2, flip a coin, just see which way this thing falls. [dice] Yeah, it's falling Magnus-ward. This thing falls on you, Magnus, and you take… [dice] 14 points of damage [Travis: Oh, that’s not that bad.] as it lands on top of you and you are pinned underneath this deactivated mirror.

Travis: It’s not that bad. Could be worse.

Clint: Yeah. Could be worse.

Griffin: And as you deactivate it, you hear Legion just kind of scream in anger and that is... it?

Travis: We did it! [sings the Final Fantasy victory fanfare]

Griffin: No, Legion... is still definitely, definitely in this room.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Oh.

Griffin: Carey and Noelle do some dope shit and they take out five robots.

[Clint giggles.]

Griffin: No, that’s not gonna do it. Noelle with two of her four arms grabs a robot, tears it in half, and then throws the two chunks at two more robots, taking them out. And Carey slides underneath one's knees and grabs its feet and pulls it to the ground and then chucks it at another one, taking out a fifth.

Travis: I just wanna take a moment here to say that I regret eating the Philosopher's Stone.

[Clint bursts into laughter.]

Griffin: Yeah, it seemed like kind of pointless—

Travis: It seemed like a great idea when I thought I could eat the stone itself, and then you were like, “But it’s magical!” And I was like, “I'm still gonna do it!” And I was like, “Aww….”.

Griffin: You hear the Falafeler's Stone inside you go,

Falafeler's Stone: [muffled] Hey, Magnus, is it weird that I’m kinda into this?
Magnus: Oh no, it's a vore thing! Oh God!

[Clint giggling]

Falafeler's Stone: I'm learning all kinds of stuff about myself right now. I think we can still turn the world into gold or candy, sweets...

Travis: I punch myself in the stomach.

Falafeler's Stone: Gah! Okay, okay, okay!

Griffin: Legion is next. All of the silver goo has sort of brought itself back to the center of the room, and has sort of come back together on top of this pedestal, and reformed— now it's just like half a skeleton- half a gigantic skeleton, but it no longer has access to the astral plane and all of the benefits therein.

Um, so... it is going to... just attack the prone Magnus, who's pinned under the mirror. Twice. And you're gonna have Disadvantage, or I guess he’s going to have Advantage because he’s attacking a prone target.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: That is a twenty-one versus AC.

Travis: That is a hit, yes.

Griffin: And a nineteen versus AC.

Travis: I mean both of those hit, yes. Um, I'm gonna use Parry, though.

Griffin: To reduce damage?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, we know what it does, just roll to do it.

Travis: Okay, that’s ten, twelve- so it reduces it by twelve.

Griffin: It was going to be forty-three—

Travis: Oh my Jesus.

Griffin: So, thirty-one points of damage.

Travis: Hoooo, Boysie. Yeah, I’m still alive.

Clint: What are you getting down to?

Travis: I'm down to sixteen, Dad, thank you for asking.

Clint: Well, I don't have a freaking tricorder on me, I can't keep up with it.

Travis: No no no, that was not sarcastic, literally thank you for asking! I appreciate your concern! [Clint: Aww.] I have a real hard time sounding sincere, it's a real-life problem I deal with.

Clint: I love you, son.

Travis: I love you too, Dad!

Griffin: You, uh - Next in the order is Maureen. She runs over to Lucas and she smashes her hands into the ground and she just keeps doing that over and over and over again, just kind of mangling her hands, but exposing some active wires. And she holds those up against her sort of ruined hands and puts them up against Lucas's chest.

Clint: Clear!

Griffin: Yeah, literally like defibrillating him. And... let's do a first aid check. [dice roll] That's a crit.

Travis: He jumps up! He’s better than ever! He’s ten feet tall! [someone whoops]

Griffin: He doesn't jump up. After a few pumps, you see him open his eyes and…

Lucas: [shallow, gasping breaths]

Clint: Of course all that would've taken about ten minutes because that's what happens in the movies, and at some point somebody had to have yelled at him, “Don't you die on me!” Right?

Griffin: Yeah all of that happened in the span of this turn. [Clint: Good,good!] Yeah, Merle, you are up.

Merle: [distraught] I've been through a rough... a rough campaign here. I've had my arm chopped off. I'm not sure how I feel about Pan, ‘cause God lied— we've been all through that. I'm having a moment. I need guidance. I'm gonna take just a second just to do a quick prayer. I'm just gonna pray to Pan.

Travis: Meanwhile, everyone just kinda looks around awkwardly.

Merle: Hope he answers! I’ll do it quick. Pan, if you're there, and if you're not a big fat liar, tell me what to do!

Griffin: Okay, hold on, let me think about this. [mystical music starts up] Golden leaves very slowly start to bud and sprout from your soulwood arm. Sort of enshrouding it in a patchy bush of these golden leaves.

Travis: Hee hee hee hee!

Griffin: [amused] And- gross. And your hand, the branches that have formed your soulwood hand, sort of mold your fingers into a finger-gun and points directly at the— Legion.

Merle: [choked up] Thank you!

Clint: I look at Legion and I cast Banishment. This is where I send the creature to another plane of existence. They've got to make a Charisma saving throw or they're banished.

Justin: How charismatic are a pile of ghosts?

Clint: Yeah, they can’t be very charismatic, right?

Travis: Nah, especially since they're just like a weird skeleton thing.

Justin: No. The only charismatic ghost is Slimer.

Clint: Here I go. I'm gonna cast this. And I look at him and I say:

Merle: You! Shall not— oh, no, I’m sending him to somebody— You had better— You shall pass! Get out of here!

Travis: Aaaaah, you're banished!

Griffin: Normally, you can't banish something this big and bad, but you have weakened this thing to a pretty critical state—

Travis: And he’s got Pan’s help!

Griffin: And you've got the help of Pan, so I'll roll Disadvantage on this roll. Oh, the second one was an eleven. Those golden leaves that sprouted from your hand force your thumb down as if the finger-gun has just fired, [Clint laughing] and the leaves blow, as if-- with a breeze that is coming in through the windows, encircling the giant skeleton, who you hear shout:

Legion: NOOOOOO!

Griffin: As it is, it sort of implodes in on itself, creating like a small— not a black hole as much as like a very small silvery hole that seems to suck in the remaining twenty-three robots all around the room, the spirits blast out of the conduits inside of them, get pulled into this silvery hole, and in an explosion of golden leaves, they disappear.

Travis: Della Reese looks on.

Griffin: Della Reese smiles.

Travis: “You've done it.”

[Clint laughing]

[ending theme song plays us out]

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