Balance – Episode 20: Petals to the Metal: Chapter Three/Transcript

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Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone.

[theme music begins playing]

The Director: There’s a Grand Relic one of our Seekers have found, and it is in the possession... of a master criminal, known as The Raven. The Gaia Sash gives the wearer control over nature.

Griffin: Taako and Magnus- the door shuts to the elevator, and your, uh, elevator adventure… begins.

Griffin: You see vines have broken in through the first floor, and are almost like filling up the elevator shaft like water.

Taako: Rrrrrope trick!

Travis: [laughter]

Griffin: Sure enough, there is a… Just sort of black hole, uh, 60 feet above you. It [the rope] has lowered itself into your elevator car!

Griffin: The vines grab onto the elevator, and it collapses, and falls, and all of a sudden you are supporting Taako’s full weight! And, so, the three of you are now hanging- So this scene was really great, um-

Clint: This looks like the Goonies!

The Announcer: Goonies never say die. But Dungeon Masters do! Ooooooohh…! ...It’s The Adventure Zone!

[theme music (Déjà Vu by Mort Garson) plays]

Griffin: I cannot wait… To hear- you got- wait- it’s been… Let’s, let’s take the- the listeners backstage. It’s been about three weeks? Since we were recording. You guys-

Travis: Don’t take them backstage, it’s all messy.

Griffin: Now I-- Well- That’s… Whose fault is that?

Clint: [disapprovingly] Travis.

Travis: I mean- it’s- it’s mine. Like, I left my water bottle lying around, there’s like a half eaten candy bar at my station…

Griffin: And your leg- and- and all your LEGOs!

Travis: All my LEGOs.

Justin: [giggling]

Griffin: Um-

Travis: How am I supposed to be in character without my LEGOs, Griffin!? It’s in my rider.

Griffin: It’s been over- it’s been like 21 days. Since our last episode. And I can’t wait to hear… how you plan to get out of this… predicament.

Justin: I reach up to the giant’s face. And then I pluck the golden dagger from within my sheath.

Griffin: [laughing]

Justin: And I bury it, and I say in the words of my people- ala-kachung!

Griffin: ...What’s that?

Justin: Which is an ancient, phrase… that means ‘This is for… the- w- uhh...’

Travis: For K’chong!

Justin: ‘This is for K’chong, the… knight?’

Clint: And K’cheech.

Justin: ‘And K’cheech. K’cheech and K’chong. The two knights errant that you slayed.’

Griffin: So… I think you, have become… Untethered, from our timestream. Because that’s-

Travis: He’s- he’s got that Mazes and Monsters vibe goin’.

Griffin: That is- that is in the future-

Justin: Okay I’m- I’m sorry.

Clint: And that is some good stuff though.

Justin: Okay I remem--I remember. At that moment, I remember that I have a solitary silver bullet, w- resting in the chamber. And I spin, to the… steambeast, and I say...

Griffin: [interjecting] Yeah.

Clint: Mmm.

Justin: ‘This one’s for… Pa-pawww.’

Griffin: You’re literally- [laughs]

Travis: [overlapping] ‘K’chong.’

Justin: ‘This is for my papa, K’chong.’

Clint: You’ve gone all DC Convergence on us.

Griffin: You are… Steambeast is next week.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: This week, you are… In an elevator shaft, without an elevator in it.

Justin: [interrupting] Can I say something? I wish I’d- said somethin’ funnier than ‘steambeast.’

Griffin: [overlapping] No Steambeast-

Justin: It didn’t seem lazy in the moment-

Griffin: Steambeast was- Steambeast was really good!

Justin: I was trying to get an- I was tryin’a summon up, some like, Cthulhu-type shit.

Clint: No, no no, Steambeast is good for the fanart. Uh, circle.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s evocative. I can’t wait-

Travis: Steambeast is the new Cthulhu.

Griffin: Is it made of steam? Is it a steam… Steampunk?

Clint: Steam powered! Beast. I think?

Justin: List-! I’m-! I’m still in the fuckin’ pre-alpha stage on this guy. Don’t ask me a bunch of questions about it.

Griffin: Okay. Um,

Travis: Before- before we get started-

Justin: [overlapping] Before any of my creations--, I have to write- Before any of my creations, I- I have to write, uh, the full description and then mail it to myself. To pr- You know, to-

Clint: [overlapping] Mm-hm.

Justin: -prevent copyright infringement.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: [to self] Steamm beast.

Travis: Uh, before we get started, I went back and listened to the last two episodes, ‘cause I really like listening to myself do stuff?

Griffin: Great.

Justin: Yeah, sure! Yeah.

Travis: And I thi- And Justin and Dad… I think maybe there’s a connection between all those eyes on the moon? And the spiritual being things that Justin saw in the extradimensional plane.

Griffin: Interesting.

Clint: Yeah, I thought that at the time.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: Yeah, that doesn’t- So if this is-

Griffin: Is it because I used a lot of the same words to describe them?

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: So this has been our Adventure Zone recap wrap-up fancast, [Clint laughs] where we talk about our own podcasting theories, about the show that we make ourselves.

Griffin: You three are in an elevator shaft, the elevator has fallen. Uh, Magnus, you are hanging onto a rope, that was fantastically created by- er, it wasn’t created, it was fantastically suspended in the air through an extradimensional portal, by Taako, who I’m… worried. About his relationship with extradimensional portals? I think it’s gonna be a… I think maybe we’re gonna have to have an intervention episode. Here- here in a couple months or so. Ah, you are hanging on to-

Taako: I’m so excited! I’m so excited, to-live-in-extradimensional-portals! [sobbing] I’m so scared.

All: [laughter]

Griffin: Uh, you are hanging on to the very edge of- of this rope, uh, and hanging onto your ankle, is Taako. And hanging on to Taako’s ankle, after an unsuccessful rescue attempt, is Merle. Uh, below you, uh, not too far below you, constantly growing constantly filling this shaft, is a… Bed of living vines. Uh, that are, wriggling furiously underneath you, they’re about two floors below you. You are trapped between the 11th and 12th floor, uh, and uh… You were originally heading to the vault on the 20th floor, uh, before, uh, you… Were assailed. By- by this arbor.

Magnus: Guys, I got this. For the last 21 days, since we first got stuck in this elevator shaft, I’ve been writing on my vision board, I’ve been putting the energy out into the world to save us? Uhm, and I’ve been using everything I learned from The Secret, so now, I think we are just… saved!

[silence]

Travis: ...Lemme roll? [dice rolling]

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: Okay, I rolled a 14, plus The Secret, 36.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: [laughter]

Griffin: What you don’t know, is in the interim, these living vines have also been creating a vision board.

All: [groan]

Griffin: And their vision board is to, consume you, and destroy you.

Travis: Well, what’d they roll?

Griffin: Lemme roll for them- oh, they rolled a 22, which is weird, because the dice only has 20 numbers on it. And then, plus the vision- it’s, it’s… It’s a lot.

Travis: [defeated] M’kay.

Clint: Well, I have an idea.

Griffin: Can’t wait to hear it!

Clint: Okay. I ca- y’know- I-I I cast, speak to plants, and it was successful, and this is basically… The same plant. Right?

Griffin: I think you might be out of speak to plants juice. Cause you can do that, I think you can do that twice a day?

Clint: Ohhhh. Well, it’s the same day!

Griffin: I think you have talked-

Clint: It’s the same day.

Griffin: Rrright, and you have talked to two plants today.

Clint: Lemme look at that. ...Ah, no I’m lookin’ right here, doesn’t say anything about two plants!

Griffin: No, listen, you- You, sex-talked the vines outside, you laid down some- some, negs, and you- you were- you displayed some true pickup artist prowess. And then you talked to that tree! And you sort of taunted him. Uh, about how you were about to kill him.

Clint: So see I feel there’s a connection there, I think the smarmy talk was a connection-

Travis: [overlapping] Okay, here’s what we need.

Clint: -and all I wanna do is tell ‘em, that we’re plants... too.

[pause]

Clint: And all we want is some photosynthesis action, if they’ll just- And it’s right up there! C’mon, guys! And maybe they’ll lift us up to the 20th floor.

Griffin: Uh…

Clint: That’s all I’m sayin’.

Griffin: You words fall on deaf… buds.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: They’re not into it.

Travis: Merle, you climb Taako, and climb me.

[giggling]

Travis: And then Taako, you climb me. And then we’ll all climb the rope.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I uh… I would overrule Dad’s talking to plants regardless ‘cause I can’t be that close to that.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah.

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: It’s-... I’ve been in, I’ve been in some severe therapy-

Clint: You obviously haven’t been-

Justin: -intensive therapy.

Clint: -reading Facetwitter, because the… the Facetwitter people- really dug-

Justin: Oh yeah, yeah, they’ve… they’ve hashtagged it out. For sure.

Clint: On Twitterbook.

Justin: Yeah all- all over the place.

Griffin: [interrupting loudly] Are you gonna try-

Travis: Okay. Climb my body.

Merle: Alright, I’ll climb! I’ll climb.

Griffin: Okay, so this is gonna require an Athletics check, from… the climb-er, and then.. Probably a, probably a Strength check from the climb-ee?

Travis: I’m very strong.

Griffin: We’ll s- we’ll say a low.. A low Strength check from the climb-ee.

Justin: Can you remind me the order one more time Ditto?

Griffin: Uhm, Magnus at the top! Taako in the middle. Merle… at the bottom.

Justin: Good, good good. This- this is a bad plan.

Clint: So- do I roll? What do I roll.

Travis: Taako, could you- could you cast like, Levitate or make- somebody lighter? Then I could climb, like onto a j-

Justin: [interrupting] Are you asking- are you asking Justin? Or are you asking Taako. And if you’re asking-

Magnus: Taako!

Justin: Oh, okay.

Magnus: Can you make somebody lighter so I can Andre Giant this shit?

Justin: I like this Errol Flynn, return of the Errol Flynn Magnus voice. A lot of people will want that.

Travis: Yeah, this- This is uh, this is golden age… Magnus.

Griffin: [laughing] Yeah.

Justin: You’ve retconned… Magnus.

Griffin: He was sick! He had laryn- he had fantasy laryngitis. For the past few episodes.

Justin: Alright. So Travis- let’s, let’s- return to the, the- uh… If you could just, one more time in-character, so I can respond in-character, just kinda get the role-playing…

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: -going. Just one more time. Sorry. This is the last time.

Magnus: Taako! Can you, levitate, or, lighten something, so that I can Andre the Giant this shit.
Taako: [enthusiastically] Nooooo!
Magnus: Okay! Um, asked and answered, I suppose.

Justin: [laughing]

Taako: I-I’m out of spell slots! [sobering up] Sorry about that.

Travis: I’m out of time reversal cubes!

Taako: [laughing] I’m out of time reversal cubes! No I, but I, this- that’s a very funny bit we just did, but I am uh… I am actually out of them. So uhh-
Magnus: You guys wanna take like an extended rest on this rope? [laughs] Or what’s the deal.
Merle: [sultry] I wanna climb your body.

All: [laugh]

Magnus: Merle… Merle.

Griffin: Good lord.

Merle: Hey, it was your suggestion!

Griffin: [deep inhale] Uh, the vines are now about 15 feet below you.

Merle: Alright, what do I roll?

Griffin: Uh, you’re rolling an Athletics check? Which is a d20 and you add your Athletics modifier. Uh, and then the other two boys are gonna roll a Strength check.

Clint: [dice rolling] Alright. Here-

Justin: Alright- Can-

Travis: I rolled a 20.

Justin: Can I- I- wanna call… I wanna call… BS on the Strength check. Cuz I’ve been supporting his weight to this point, I don’t see why… that should be altered by the climbing of me.

Griffin: How ‘bout- How ‘bout this.

Travis: Only have to roll a 10.

Griffin: How ‘bout this. It’s a tickle check.

Clint: Yeeaah.

Griffin: Cause he’s got- he’s got those little dwarf fingers, he’s gonna be- rubbin’ ‘em all over your body, and you’re gonna be-

Justin: Yeah… that- That I will concede.

Griffin: You’re gonna be gettin’ tickled really bad.

Justin: I will concede to a tickle check.

Griffin: So that’s actually gonna be a Constitution check.

Clint: And it doesn’t help that the fact that while I climb I’m goin’ giddy-giddy-giddy! Giddy-giddy-giddy!

{10:35}

Griffin: Yeahyeahyeah, he’s get- Well that’s a- That’s a dwarven climbing technique! You get your fingers deep in.

Justin: Well my Constitution’s a bit better, so that’s okay.

Clint: Well, I rolled a 15. Plus 4-

Justin: Okay-

Clint: Nineteen.

Justin: Nineteen for me too.

Griffin: Wow! Jeez guys.

Travis: Yeah, I rolled a 13 plus 7 for Strength. Or plus 5, for Constitution.

Griffin: Well, no it- Yeahyeahyeah. Well- either one. Okay! All successful. Uhhhh, Merle you do a little tickle- a tickle climbing, maneuver, like a-

Merle: Giddygiddygiddy!

Griffin: -like some sort of prankster goat, scaling the sheer face of a mountain. Uh, and you make it up, Taako, and you make it up Magnus, and now you are above Magnus. You got your hands on your- on the rope. Uh, just as a reminder, this- this- I’m into this plan, the, portal that you created, if memory serves, Taako, is 60 feet up.

Justin: Uhhh… Yes.

Griffin: Which wouldn’t bring you all the way to the top, it’d bring you to about floor 18.

Justin: Okay, well we don’t need to get to the top.

Travis: Yeah, we just need to get to- something else.

Justin: Floor- floor 12, is where we’re headed. Right?

Travis: Yeah. To get to a door.

Griffin: Uhhh… No! 12, 12 has been… 12 has been taken over by vines.

Travis: Oh that’s right, that’s why Merle’s on here.

Justin: Oh so that’s why we need to get higher. Okay.

Travis: Lucky floor 13, I always say!

Clint: How far do I climb?

Griffin: Uhhh. You- you… Uh, let’s just say you’ve climbed up above… Uh, you’ve gotten about- you’ve gotten about ten feet over Magnus, to give some room for- for Taako. So I guess you can establish your own… Rope order. Uh, Taako are you gonna try the same sort of maneuver? To get up Magnus?

Justin: Yeah!

Griffin: Get on- get on this rope? Mkay.

Taako: Yeah, that sounds good.
Magnus: Climb my frame!

Griffin: One more check from you two.

Taako: Oopsie-doopsie! [nervous laughter]

Travis: Uhm… [dice rolling] Still Constitution?

Justin: What’s the modifier on this?

Griffin: Uh, for you it’s Athletics.

Justin: Ohhhkay.

Clint: For me it’s Constitution?

Travis: No, you don’t have to do shit, Merle.

Clint: Oh that’s right! Okay.

Taako: Wwwell, five!

Travis: Hoooh. Huh.

Justin: Actually, that wasn’t in my character voice. Five.

Travis: Wait, 5 was your total?

Justin: 5 was my total!

Travis: 12 was my total, like Constitution.

Justin: Well good, you hung in there real good.

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: Um, should I like, try to grab him?

Justin: Wait- wait, why did I have- Okay, so that was just me climbing a rope. Right?

Griffin: No that was you climbing Magnus.

Justin: Okay. So, we’re like… Okay.

Clint: If you threw a 5, like, your face is right in his butt.

Justin: Okay, so I- yeah. Five. Is the roll.

Griffin: ...Mkay. You… Attempt to scale Magnus. Uh, but you place one errant hand, on his belt, in a- it was not a-

Clint: [ snorting laughter]

Griffin: -weight sustaining, belt, and you pull his pants… to his ankles. And uh, as his pants fall, so do you, into the bed of living vines.

Travis: Now hold on-

Justin: Now how far away is that?

Travis: -it’s not gonna slip right over my shoes! Now, I think he’s just hanging around my ankles off of my pants.

Griffin: Uh, no, sort of the shock of the pants hitting the feet- it, it is jarring, and you lose your grip and you begin to fall into the pit of living vines.

Justin: Okay, how far- how far, of a fall… do I get here.

Griffin: Uh, about 15. Feet. ...Into this bed of living vines.

Justin: Okay. Do I-

Clint: Soft, living vines.

Justin: Do I have time to get a spell off?

Griffin: Uh, you do, yeah! Sure. As you- as you are falling toward this bed of- of living vines. This is, um- I’m trying to describe sort of the action of what these vines are doing, it’s kind of like wa- like imagine water, spilling into this chamber. These vines are just filling… Filling the chamber up. So there is- so there is a little bit of, uh, as- As you land, it is a soft landing. It’s a soft landing on some… Some, there’s some give, to the vegetation. And you’re sort of suspended above it, but- but these vines are, uh, these vines will overtake you.

Clint: Are they undulating?

Griffin: No, God. Taako, what are you- what are you- what are you hoping to do here?

Justin: Uh, well sir! I’m tryna f- um… Yeah. I’m just trying to… Just- think- I’m just thinkin’ it through here… And uh, if you’ll just give me one second, to come up with… What I’m doin’, I’ll just tell ya… what I’m doin’!

Griffin: [laughs]

Travis: Do you still have the feather duster?

Clint: [gasps]

Justin: What?

Griffin: You never had it.

Travis: The feather du-?

Justin: I have a magical feather duster, but it’s not hugely helpful to me because that would have Slow Fall? So like I think if I like, gently caressed into their- their bodies like I think that would still… uh, upset them in a pretty major way.

Travis: Could you use your umbrella… and like, Poppins it.

Justin: Uhh… Yeah. I’m just gonna cast Blink.

Griffin: Okay! So… Oh man. I don’t even know the ramifications of that. So you are… blinking-

Justin: Hang on there, Junior I’ll tell you.

Griffin: You’re blinking out of this plane of existence…

Taako: Peace!

Griffin: But you’re still gonna be in vine- vinetown. Right?

Justin: Well- no! Because, the thing with Blink is… Um, when I cast Blink, I, uh… Uh, I vanish from this plane, and I can um. I return to an unoccupied space of my choice that I can see within ten feet of the space I vanished from. So, uh… I can- I can disappear and then reappear… Y’know. Up at that old rope.

Griffin: ...Mmkay.

Justin: And just grab it.

Travis: ...Why didn’t you just do that before you pulled my pants off!?

Justin: That wouldn’ta helped anybody.

Griffin: So you- [laughs] You failed-

Travis: [quietly] It woulda helped my dick.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: You failed- you failed your, roll, and you-

Justin: In a pretty- yeah, in a pretty heinous fashion.

Griffin: In a pretty major way, and you fell into this vegetation-

Justin: Didn’t fall into it! Fell towards it.

Griffin: Okay, you fell towards it. And you blinked- are you just sort of floating? In midair, in the… In the etherspace, then?

Justin: Yeah. I’m in the- I’m in the ethereal plane.

Griffin: Mkay.

Clint: Is that not- the same place where the hole is?

Justin: What?

Griffin: No, it’s a- it’s a different plane. I think he has access to multiple- multiple planes.

Justin: Yeah, I’m in a lot of planes right now. Okay so I rolled a 14.

Clint: [scared] Oh, god.

Justin: Uh, so that gets me into the… ethereal plane.

Griffin: Okay. Poof!

Justin: Poof.

Griffin: He disappears. Before he- before he is consumed by the vines he, he vanishes. Uh, the vines grow about another 5 feet, so they are now about 10 feet below you, Magnus. Uh, and- and Merle, you’re about 10 feet up, above- above Magnus. You’re close, actually, to the door to, to uh, floor 13.

Travis: Is that like a little ledge, in front of the door? Is there any kind of…

Griffin: Nope! It’s a, it’s a… A sheer, sort of… face. It’s- it’s not… There’s nothin’ to really get a, a good grab onto.

Travis: And tell me about the door?

Justin: [overlapping] Closed as hell, too, right? ...Is it closed as hell?

Griffin: Oh yeah, it’s super duper closed.

Travis: What’s it made out of?

Griffin: Metal?

Travis: ...Mkay. ...Now is it something… That we could swing into, and maybe smash through?

Justin: Oh, the ol’ wrecking ball trick.

Griffin: Well it is like-

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: -like a metal door, and it’s like the- the door doesn’t… swing open, cause it’s a elevator? And you know how like elevator doors-

Travis: Listen, Listen DM, you gotta work with us here. We gotta get out of this shaft-

Clint: [laughter]

Travis: It doesn’t go up to the top… Gimme somethin’.

Griffin: Um… I mean it-

Justin: Nobody’s gonna listen to this show, Griffin, and say ‘Man I wish they’d spent longer in that elevator shaft!’

Clint: [laughter]

Justin: ‘I really was enjoying it! On a lotta levels!’

Griffin: Uh-

Justin: Literally.

Clint: Is Emmanuel comin’ up, on the top of the plants?

Griffin: Uhh, no, you cannot see him. He’s been- he has been consumed.

Clint: Dammit.

Griffin: You need to be more careful with your belongings! I’ve told you this, I’ve- I’ve t- I ju- I literally told you that seconds before you lost it.

Clint: I wrote my name on it! I- I- I mean I oughta be able to get it back.

Griffin: If lost, please return this crowbar. To-

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Some guy. Okay. Uhhh-

Travis: I’m gonna roll a perception check.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Nice.

Travis: I rolled… A 13, plus 0.

Griffin: Mkay. Everything is shitty. This whole situation sucks for you.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Uhh- no. With that actually- with that perception check, you can actually hear a, sort of a… Uh, you hear the sound of something sort of rubbing up against this door, on floor 13.

Travis: Steven?

Griffin: Who?

Travis: My fish.

Griffin: No, your goldfish wouldn’t be on the other end of the door.

Justin: [stifled laughter]

Travis: ...Oh yeah, he’s in my pocket.

Griffin: [laugh] Yeah, that’s right.

Clint: Trav, why don’t you swing back and forth, and maybe we can- I can make the jump, to the door.

Griffin & Travis: [start talking simultaneously]

Griffin: There’s nothing really for you to- there’s nothing really for you to grab onto there.

Justin: Yeah, the problem is it’s closed from our side, and not- and so we have to figure out a way to get-

Clint: Well, I think- ...Yeah, but I mean, I prob’ly can’t reach the door, but maybe if Travis swings back and forth from the bottom, a la The Pendulum-

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: I can get close enough to whack it.

Travis: Okay, I- I- I do that.

Griffin: Sure. Mkay. So you start to sort of swing back and forth giving uh- giving, uh, Merle a little bit of momentum, he’s a bit higher up on the rope so he’s not- y’know, going as far as you are at the bottom of it. Uh, but you’re swinging back and forth, back and forth back and forth, your pants are down, and uh… Are you free-ballin’?

Travis: Yeah. My dick and balls are out, and everything.

Justin: [giggling]

Travis: But that’s helping the momentum, if you know what I mean.

Justin: Should be some goooood fanart.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Okay. So your whole business is out-

Travis: Here, I’ll just knock out the door with my wiener.

Clint: [still laughing]

Griffin: Mkay. So your whole zone is out, and- Your whole adventure zone is out, and, um, you are swinging back and forth to give Merle some momentum? Uh, and Merle you’re just gonna try and clobber your way through the door with your- with your trusty warhammer?

Clint: Yes I am.

Griffin: Mkay. Uh, I guess make an attack roll against it.

Clint: Okay. Lemme see. [through teeth] Attack roll… Alright. Um… That would be 2 d8 plus 2?

Justin: That’s your damage.

Clint: Oh okay.

Justin: Right?

Clint: Alright.

Justin: You just gotta make a regular-

Clint: So roll a 20?

Griffin: Ahhh… Yes.

Clint: And add Strength?

Griffin: Add, uh… [stutters] There should be a- on your sheet it should say what- what else you add to it. ...so it’s plus five.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: But- but you’re still rollin’ a d20 to see if it hits, right?

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: Okay. See if it hits first, then...

Clint: Okay. Alright. [dice rolling] Uh, sheehueheh. [sheepish laugh] That’s… gonna not be good. That’s a 3.

Griffin: Three. Yeah okay, so you, uhh… You are, uh, coming in at this door hot, you rear back your warhammer, you yell something aggressive and threatening in Dwarven, uh, and you bring it in full speed down on the door, and-

Justin: Wait! Wait! Wait, wait! [pause] Dad rolled a d10.

[silence]

Justin: Saved by the bell. [laughter]

Griffin: [laughter]

Clint: Nope, nope…

Justin: Nope-

Clint: [dice sounds]

Justin: No, that- that one. ...Nope. Nope! Nope. I’ll tell ya. Yep!

Clint: Yep, yepyepyep!

Griffin: Ohhh, man.

Clint: I rolled the wrong one!

Justin: Rolled the wrong one.

Travis: Your plan worked perfectly.

Justin: Saved by the bell.

Griffin: Oh, my god.

Clint: Okay. I’m sorry. [dice roll] ...Nine.

Justin: Fuck me running.

Griffin: [hard laughter]

Travis: Though! We must all admit. Significantly better than three.

Clint: Plus two!

Griffin: Nine plus two. Okay. With an 11, you bring your hammer down on the door and it dents in slightly? Uh, it doesn’t, it doesn’t create a… hole big enough for anybody to get through, although you can kind of see through the cracks? And what you see through the crack in the door that you have just made, is, a lot of vines.

Justin: [snorts] Excellent. Excellent!

Travis: Alright-

Clint: And I can’t-

Travis: Climb up old man.

Griffin: That’s a- that’s a pretty good canary in the mineshaft though.

Justin: ...So we know we need to climb higher. Basically.

Griffin: Yep.

Travis: Climb up.

Justin: Ugh.

Griffin: Taako, are you… Gonna get out of the- are you gonna, bamf back up onto-?

Taako: You gotta come get me, man. I am chill here. I left a daiquiri over on this side, so I’m just like- yes.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: The vines- the vines have like, the vines have, uhh… almost caught up with the bottom of the rope. They’re about 5 feet below. And in fact, uh, Magnus, uh, with-

Clint: If that’s the case they got his pants!

Griffin: Magnus with your pants around your ankles, uh, uhh, one vine has actually sort of lifted up, like uh, like a snake charmer from this bed?

Clint: [overlapping] Uh oh. I know where this is goin’.

Griffin: And uh, is going to rear back and strike at you. Um. [dice roll] Uhh, but it only rolls a 10, which is not gonna do it. Uh-

Travis: No it does not. I lift my legs up and do a very impressive crunch.

Justin: [laughter]

Griffin: What are you doing?

Travis: I’m like a cr- like I’m tightening my core! To raise my legs up out of the way.

Clint: It’s an exercise, Griffin.

Griffin: Okay. You raise your legs up out of the way, uh, your keys fall out of your upside-down downed pants,

Travis: No! Because I’ve got snap-button pockets. That’s canon.

Griffin: Oh shit, sorry. Your wallet- your wallet falls out of your pants, but the wallet chain- catches it.

All: [laughter]

Travis: Alright-

Clint: Your fanny pack dangles-

Justin: Your- your comical Cat in the Hat hat falls to the ground, your devil sticks come from somewhere-

Clint: [laughing]

Justin: Just- careen towards the bottom.

Travis: Alright, listen. It’s time to climb- wait. Ahehem. [clears throat]

Magnus: Listen, it’s time to climb this rope. Get up it, motherfuckers.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Uh, okay! Uhh-

Travis: Cause I think- what I wanna do, just so you boys know, is I wanna- Phantom Fist punch a door.

Griffin: Mkay. And that’s-

Taako: Ohh. Hm!
Merle: Why don’t you climb, then? Cause you got like, 10 feet-
Magnus: Well cuz I’m on the bottom. And that door, is- got vines behind it. We don’t wanna go in there. So we need to move to the next level, and see if there’s- if it’s empty.

Justin: Alright. I’m- I’m gonna move this forward. Dad. Climb.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: We gotta climb.

Griffin: Yeah, just make an Athletics check? Tell me where- where you’re goin’. And it’ll be a pretty easy one. Um, ‘cause you’re not- climbing up a person, you’re climbing a rope.

Clint: [dice rolling] Okay. [dice roll] Uhhh, 9 plus 4, 13!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Fine. That’s fine.

Travis: I got 15.

Griffin: Alright. Where y’all goin’?

Travis: Up!

Griffin: And- and Taako, I gotta warn ya, the- the vines have caught up with the rope. If you’re gonna bamf up to it, you’re not-

Justin: I’ve reappeared 10 feet up the rope.

Griffin: Mkay. So-

Travis: I wanna go to floor 14.

Griffin: Okay-

Clint: That’s where I’m goin’. Floor 14.

Griffin: Taako you’re gonna need to make an Athletics roll too.

Justin: [dice rolling] That’s a natural 20.

Griffin: Hell yeah. Fwoooom! ...That’s the sound you make.

Travis: You’re holding onto it with your toes.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, okay. So you’ve moved up to floor 14!

Travis: Okay. I wanna punch it.

Griffin: ...Mkay. Uh, are you guys gonna try and give him some momentum? A little bit of… swingin’ action?

Travis: Yep!

Justin: Yeah. And we’ve got two of us now.

Griffin: Okay-

Clint: Ready? Baaaack,

Griffin: -you’ve got two, you guys are swinging back and forth at floor 14-

Clint: -fooooorth.

Clint, Justin, Travis: Baaaack… Fooooooorth. Baaaaaaack, foooorth!

Clint: C’mon, hurry!

Travis: Okay, I got a 15 plus 7, 22.

Griffin: Mkay. That, plus the natural effects of the Phantom Fist, uh, you blow the doors backwards, which is weird because again they do not swing. These are sliding doors. So powerful! So effective, is the Phantom Fist. Uh, and as you do, the three of you sort of tumble out of the elevator shaft, uh-

Clint: Yaaay!

Griffin: Onto terra firma- well, it’s not exactly terra firma. The building is still sort of being--

Clint: Terra flora.

Griffin: Terra flora. It’s getting um… It’s still being assaulted. Uh, and uh. the uh-

Travis: And thus the elevator battle… ends. We’ve done it! Level up!

Griffin: And thus it ends.

Justin: [sighs]

Griffin: Y-you have uh, arrived on a floor that is… Uh, a lot of cubicles? Basically? Maybe it’s uh, I don’t know. This is- this is where the boring business gets done. This is just sort of your standard office base-

Travis: Oh, the boring bank business. Not the sexy bank business.

Griffin: Right, all the sexy stuff happens in the lobby. This is just mostly like, water coolers, uh, there’s- there’s a few water coolers, there’s some motivational posters. Uhm-

Travis: Does anyone hate Mondays?

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: It seems like everybody does. There’s nobody on this- this floor though. They-

Clint: Dilll-beeerrrt!

Justin: So- just-

Griffin: [bewildered] Dad has- Dad has just yelled ‘Dilbert’.

Justin: So- Just so I can understand the, the sort of business we’ve infiltrated here. This is the kind of bank where it does all the money stuff down there where people come in the building. And does like, the more pedestrian things higher up. Is that right?

Griffin: Yeah, that’s right.

Justin: Okay, got it.

Griffin: Sort of, just like a… Just sort of your standard bank.

Justin: Just a bank.

Travis: Just a real banksy bank.

Clint: Can we do, a ‘Travis pull his damn pants up’ check?

Griffin: Nope.

Justin: Yeah. Can Travis- Can I check to see if-

Travis: Oh! I rolled a 0. [laughs] I don’t know what to tell you.

Griffin: Whoa, that’s weird.

Justin: Uh, I rolled a perception check and notice that, uh, Merle is- or Magnus- is uh, smooth down there like E.T., and that’s canon, and lore.

Clint & Griffin: [laughter]

Travis: No I already said my business was out! Wait hold on. Oh! I rolled ‘I have a very impressive penis’.

Justin: No, there’s no-

Clint: No, no no- huh-uh. That was before the vine reached up, snake-like.

Justin: It has lopped off his genitalia and he is smooth down there like ET.

Clint: Canon! Locked!

Justin: Locked.

Travis: But before I- Before I pull up my pants, I want everyone to notice that I’m wearing MeUndies. They are incredibly comfortable. Oh-! No, excuse me, I am wearing ‘YeUndies’.

Justin: YeUndies! [laughs]

Clint: This portion of our podcast brought to you by YeUndies.

Justin: Uh, I roll a perception check, just to see what- what we can see now that we’re- standin’ up. It’s a 17.

Griffin: Um-

Justin: Plus- some stuff. Probably like 2 or some shit.

All: [laugh]

Justin: No I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you. Don’t be like that. Don’t be like that.

Travis: Nah, be cool be cool be cool.

Justin: Nah becoolbecoolbecoolbecool. One. So, uh, 18.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, w- with an 18, uhh, you see a few things. Uh, first of all- uh, like on the other floors, uh, floor 14 has, uh, the… Access to the stairs? Uh, directly next to the elevator shaft. Uh, floor 14 also has some windows, looking outward on the exterior walls. Uh, of the room. Not the wall that you are closest to, that you just swung through, um… But the other walls are- are mostly windows, and through those windows you cannot see much daylight. You see vines sort of, uhh, uh. Constricting around the building, although they have not broken through to take over this floor quite yet.

Travis: So- DM. Um...

Griffin: Yaa?

Travis: Remind me, our goal is to get up to the top floor. That’s- as far as we know, that’s where it feels like this is all gonna kind of go down. Right?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: 20th floor.

Travis: There has not been anything to indicate to this point that there would be any civilians throughout these floors, or anything of interest between floor 14 and floor 20.

Griffin: You haven’t- I mean, you haven’t seen any… Any civilians. No.

Travis: So, should we just like- head up the stairs? To the top floor? And like, bypass all the other floors?

Griffin: Boy, that sure would make my job easier. I mean that would keep me from needing to describe 5 more offices.

Clint: That feels kind of on the nose-y.

Justin: Yeah, let’s just go for the chance.

Travis: Alright, let’s just do that.

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: Mkay.

Justin: Or is that… Too easy?

Travis: Ohhh!

Justin: Is that maybe what he wants us to do?

Clint: Ohh, maybe he’d want us to think-

Travis: His puzzle of laziness!

Clint: -it’s not too easy.

Griffin: One of- one of the floors-

Justin: He’s thinking that we think- that it’s too easy. But it is in fact, just the right amount of easy.

Travis: [interjecting] What if this whole thing is just a game?

Griffin: As the three of you are debating whether or not you should stop at every floor, uhh… A giant plant bursts through the open elevator, uh, shaft door-

Travis: Feed me, Seymour!

Clint: Run! Run away!

Griffin: And it is, in fact-

Justin: Stairs! We’re going up the stairs.

Griffin: -a venus- Oh, okay.

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: I- I was gonna make you fight a venus fly trap.

Justin: No, fuck- [suddenly reconsidering] Ahh? I mean, I’ll fi-

Clint: Yeah! Hell yeah.

Justin: Yeah, I’ll fight a venus fly trap.

Taako: Maybe it’ll have some gold.

Griffin: ...No. It-

Travis: We’re on the stairs.

Griffin: You guys are on the stairs.

Justin: We’re on the stairs. [laughing]

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Did you guys see that? That is that- That’s the power that I wield. I can will a venus fly trap into existence, and then I can just-

Justin: Can we see-

Griffin: -and then I can just, evaporate it!

Travis: Snuff it.

Justin: What did- did we see, did we see like, right before you did that, like a dawning awareness in its eyes, like this was- that it was gonna wink into nothingness?

Griffin: [laughs] Uh, yeah. It knew. It had a- it had a very very quick, existential crisis.

Travis: [imitating Audrey II] Please don’t let me die!

Justin: Okay, got it, got it.

Clint: [imitating Audrey II] Feed me, Seymouuur!

Travis: I don’t wanna go back to the void!

Justin: Okay.

Travis: So cold!

{30:14-35:02}

Griffin: Hey everybody this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, and your very good friend. Thank you so much, for listening to episode 20! Of the Adventure Zone. Um, my apologies if you hear some sort of grinding sound? That just started from outside. I think somebody’s building… a smaller, house… in front of my house.

This week's episode is sponsored in part by One Month! One Month is a service you can use to learn real life technical skills, that you will be able to put to use in the workplace, the homeplace… any places you feel like puttin’ these skills to work at. One Month students learn to code by putting together real websites and apps, growth hacking their business and websites, and building payment systems and security solutions. One Month's’ courses are the easiest way to learn new tech skills. Here’s how it works: You do 15 minutes a day of- of learning, for 30 days! Hence the name One Month. You can enroll now at onemonth.com/adventurezone, if you use that link it uh, enrollment is usually 99 bucks. But if you join now, you’ll receive your first month for 25 percent off. Go check it out, it’s- it’s a great way to pick up some new coding and tech skills. Again: uh, onemonth.com/adventurezone.

I have a personal message here. If you want to get a personal message, uh, to somebody else, or for your small business on the show, go to MaximumFun.org/jumbotron. It’s really easy to, uh, sign up, for- for a slot on the show, and we will… read your message! Uh, like this one here, this message is for Tristen, Lara, and Ainsley, and it’s from Big! And Big says:

“Thanks so much for your hospitality this summer! I loved seeing you and look forward to doing it again soon. And, perhaps, actually meet an awake Ainsley this time. You’re missed in Boston and on the ‘munt’ and ‘foot’ teams, but it’s great to see you’re doing so well. Also, thanks for introducing me to The Adventure Zone! It’s pretty great. Excelsior!”

He actually- that was in the message? I didn’t just like get- excited about something? And yell out Stan Lee’s catchphrase. Umm, thank you so much Tristen, Lara, and Ainsley for spreadin’ the good word! Uh, and Ainsley I’m so sorry for… your sleeping sickness.

So- Uh, we have some very exciting news. I’m gonna eat, a little bit of croak, because I said we’d never ever do a live Adventure Zone. Aaand… we’re doin’ a live Adventure Zone! Uh, we- we got contacted by the LA Podcast festival, to, to join their roster and do a show there, uh… and do a, My Brother My Brother and Me performance, so, yeah! If you’re- if you’re going to, the uh, LA Podcast festival, from uh September 18th to September 20th, we’re gonna be there, MBMBaM’s gonna be there, there’s a lotta really great shows on the roster, actually. Doug Loves Movies, The Giant Bombcast, is-is doing a show there, Never Not Funny, um… So if you- if you can make it to that, that’s awesome. If you can’t make it to that, if you don’t live in Los Angeles or you can’t make it there, um, there is an option for you toooo, livestream the show. Live. Obviously. Uhh, you uh, go to LApodfest.com, and you can purchase a ticket to livestream not just our show, but the entire event. Um. It- it’s gonna be a lot of fun! So- if you do wanna do that, if you do wanna livestream the show, go to LApodfest.com, uh- you’re gonna be able to enter in the coupon code ZONE, and you’ll be able to save 5 bucks! Off your ticket. Uh, and again that’s not just for our show, you can livestream the whole event. You can watch My Brother My Brother and Me, uh, you can watch… You can watch all the podcasts that’re gonna be doing live performances. There’s- again, there’s some really really really great stuff. So don’t miss out on that.

Speaking of, it’s been a while since I’ve mentioned it- the other show that we do, My Brother My Brother and Me, that Justin and Travis and I do, uh, we’re doing some live shows up in the Pacific Northwest… Uh, in late August. We’re gonna be in Portland, unfortunately tickets for the Portland show have sold out, uh but we’re also gonna be in Seattle and Vancouver! You can find tickets for those at bit.ly/mbmbamseattle and bit.ly/vanmbmbam.

Thank you all so, so so so much for sharing the show, uh- for, for leaving reviews for the shows on iTunes- If you haven’t done that already it really does help us out a lot, and people have been so kind already, uh, with their reviews- Uh, if you wanna end up as a character on the show, tweet about the show using the TheZoneCast hashtag! Uh, and you might luck out! We still have a couple more characters to meet in- in this adventure arc, so get those… get those tweets in now! And uh, you could end up... mingling, with our heroes!

That’s it for this commercial break, I’m gonna let you all get back to the episode. The next episode of The Adventure Zone will be up on Thursday, August 13th. So, I will talk to you all then! Bye!

{theme snippet plays-35:02}

Griffin: So you guys are sh- schleppin’ up to the 20th floor?

Justin: Yeeup.

Travis: Yep.

Justin: Seems that way.

Griffin: Uh, it is- it is an uneventful, albeit somewhat… exhausting, climb. Up- well I guess there’s only six flights of stairs. And you guys are like…

Travis: Yeah, we just- like- hung off a rope and fought bad guys and shit.

Griffin: Yeah. Mkay.

Travis: We can walk some stairs.

Griffin: Yeah, you climb the stairs, and, uh, it is, uh… It is an uneventful climb to the 20th floor. And a-

Travis: Floor 20!

Griffin: As- What?

Justin: [giggling]

Travis: [giggling] Floor-twenty!

[beat of silence]

Griffin: [angrily] We’re not gonna say anything better than that, like-

Travis: Griffin we gotta fight some weeds at floor 20.

Griffin: [stunned] We, have... 30 more minutes to go,

Justin: [giggles]

Griffin: And, we’re not gonna say anything better than that.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Did you even think about that?

Travis: I did.

Griffin: ...Okay. Um-

Travis: I did! But I wanted to pull the ripcord before Justin got to it.

Griffin: Well- Well-done. Uh, you- you’re-

Clint: What’re you guys talking about?

Travis: Don’t worry about it Dad!

Justin: [quiet sigh]

Griffin: [almost laughing] You guys emerge into, the uh, the 20th floor. Uh, this is a… Uh… Somewhat smaller dome-shaped room? Uh, than the main foyer (foi-yer), and the uh- or sorry, “foi-yay”, and the other floors that you have uh, uhh… Found yourself, on. Uh, on the far wall from the stairs that you have just, uh, exited from, uh, is a large circular window. Uh, overlooking the city. This one does have some vegetation that’s grown all over the outside of it, but it’s not- uh, it hasn’t completely blotted out the sun.

Uh, and uh, on the left side of the room, you see, uh, a few things. You see, uh, a large hole. In the wall. A large circular hole in the wall. Uh, and next to that you see the giant heavy iron door, that has more or less been ripped off of that hole, by, uh, hundreds of really thick, uh, vines. It’s almost like they reached up, grabbed it, and just sorta- popped, popped the top off of it. Uh, and uh, you see, all over the floor, you see uh- papers, uh, you see sacks of gold, you see… tons of these iron lockboxes, just sort of scattered all over the floor. Uhh, and uh, like a carpet of vines has spread out from this… from this vault.

Um, and uh, standing over this sort of, mess, uhh, overlooking the financial destruction that has been, ah, wrought, you see a… A slender woman, uh- maybe a, probably a half-elf, based on her… stature, uh, wearing black leather armor? And on her face, she is wearing a black feathered mask, uh, resembling a raven. It’s not like a um… Not like a masquerade mask? It almost looks like a… Like a weirdly realistic, raven... face, mask. Uhh, and, around her waist… is, a belt, that is woven from these brown reeds. Uh, that kind of clashes with the rest of her black ensemble. You feel like maybe somebody never had the talk with her, about- accessorizing,

Travis: Is she self-conscious about that?

Griffin: Uhh, I am. I- I’ve, I’ve created her and I’m self-conscious about the- how she’s clashing. Uh, but, uh, you- the three of you feel sort of a, um… sort of a draw. From the belt, that she is- is wearing around her waist.

Taako: Guys. We’re looking for someone named the Raven. An’ she’s got a raven mask. So what I’m saying is… Maybe she’s a fan?

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: [laughing] Without taking his eyes off of her, Magnus just kind of whispers to them,

Magnus: Hey remember what happened, to Gundren?

Travis: Wait, let me try it in the voice.

Magnus: [more confidently] Remember what happened to Gundren, when he put on the glove?

Justin: [overlapping] [laughs] There’s no way to whisper in that voice.

Travis: Yeah, there is not-

Magnus: When he put on the glove, and went a little like, batshit cuckoo? ...That’s- that’s probably like, going on here. So… You know. We can try talking to her and everything-
The Raven: [interrupting, urgently] The three of you shouldn’t be here.

Griffin: -she says.

Magnus: Heyyyy! Heyyy.

Griffin: As you- as you talk at like-

Magnus: Hail and well met.
Taako: Hail!

Griffin: -regular, regular-ass volume, in the same room as her.

The Raven: The three of you shouldn’t be here.

Griffin: -she says.

Magnus: It- O- Oh. ...Um, we didn’t see any signs, or anything… Um-

Justin: [laughs]

Magnus: The door was open…
Merle: So we just came in!
The Raven: It wasn’t
Magnus: [feigning surprise] Huh!?
The Raven: The- the- the door was covered by vines, it’s not- safe for the three of you to be here!
Magnus: We didn’t- did you guys see vines!? I- I didn’t see any vines, there were no vines.
Taako: No vines!
Merle: Hmm, no. Didn’t see any. Didn’t see any.
Magnus: We walked up, the door was just open!
The Raven: I’ll try- I can, I can make the vines pull back, and- and give you an exit from the building, but you need to go right now. It’s not safe.
Taako: Well.. We were gonna refinance, so, we… Really need to get that done! Gonna-
Magnus: [lying badly] Or else the bank’s gonna take our farm!
Taako: Yeah, they’re gonna fuck us on our farm that we own together.
The Raven: When I’m done with this bank there won’t be anything left for them to give out. It- it’s- your… Your finances are lost, but your lives can be saved! Just go! Go!

Griffin: -she says, uh-

Magnus: Raven? Uh, may I take a shot in the dark here.

Justin: [laughing quietly]

Magnus: Is-- Do you have some beef with this bank? Outside of like, just like stealing the money? Cause it seems like there’s money all over the ground here that you could be taking. But you seem to be ignoring it in favor of… some other article.
The Raven: I don’t- I don’t have any need for money anymore. I- I have become… [laughs] I have become unto a God.

Griffin: -she says, sort of, ah, amused, at her own… [laughs] uh, godlike power.

Magnus: Cool, cool.

Justin: I cast sleep.

[silence, some laughter]

Griffin: [laughs] …Okay.

[silence]

Griffin: ...What does that mean?

Justin: I’m puttin’ her to sleep.

Griffin: ...Mmkay.

Travis: [laughing] Well, yeah!

Griffin: [laughing] Wh- Yeah, how do I- how do I resolve this.

Justin: Uh, well. Lemme see. Lemme tell you real quick. Hold on.

Clint: Sleeeping. Sleeping.

Justin: Sleeeeping.

Travis: It says here she begins to snore.

Justin: Okay. So I roll 5 d8, and the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect.

Griffin: Mkay.

Justin: So. [dice rolling] 7. 4.

Travis: Eleven.

Justin: 1.

Travis: Twelve.

Justin: 7.

Travis: Eight- nineteen.

Justin: 5.

Travis: Twenty-four.

Griffin: Okay. She has way more than 24 hit points.

Justin: Excellent. Okay. Well!

Taako: Ignore me!
Magnus: Let’s pretend like nothing happened.
Merle: Kidding!
Taako: I was practicing!

Griffin: Ahhh, she, uh…. Pulls from behind her a thorny whip. And she says,

The Raven: Okay, I gave you the opportunity to leave. I didn’t want to hurt-
Magnus: [interrupting] Raven, we’ve seen like this-- something like this happen before. And the last time one of these articles,

Travis: -I say, pointing to the belt,

Magnus: -w- was in the hands of someone-
The Raven: [interrupting] There’s nothing like this belt- There’s nothing like this belt in the world. Trust me, I’ve-
Magnus: Well, there was. There was this gauntlet, it leveled a whole city. And thousands of people died because the person didn’t listen to us.
The Raven: I can control what this is. I’m not worried- I’m not worried-
Magnus: [desperate] No, it’s controlling you! Look at yourself! There’s thousands of vines, everywhere.
The Raven: Yeah, it’s pretty cool! I don’t- yeah! Yes, I agree! It’s totally rad. I’m- listen.
Magnus: Nah, this is shit!
The Raven: I’m not going to give up the belt. I- A part of me wishes I could, but I’m tell- I am telling you, there is literally no way I can give up this belt. This- this- I, ah… I need this belt in a way that the three of you I don’t think can understand.
Magnus: [overlapping] Or your pants will fall down, I get it. My pants fell down a little bit earlier.

Clint: [laughs]

Magnus: We’ve all been there! You lose a little weight, or you bought some pants that you thought would look really good, but you knew they were two sizes too big when you bought ‘em, and you said-
The Raven: When I’m done- When I-
Magnus: -I’ll cinch this, maybe get ‘em tailored…
The Raven: [calmly] When I’m done here, I’m going to level this building to the ground. And the three of you don’t want to be here when that happens. Leave, now. She says.
Taako: We don’t have a way to leave, okay? We don’t-

Travis: Our DM won’t let us! [laughs]

Taako: He won’t let us!

Griffin: Um. Well that’s-

Travis: If we leave, they’ll revoke our sponsorship contracts!

Griffin: She says, uh-

The Raven: That’s… not my problem.
Taako: Well…

Travis: Let’s smote this turd.

All: [laughter]

Griffin: Are you- did you say that in character? Or,

Travis: No, Magnus says-

Magnus: Look over there!

Travis: -and charges her.

Griffin: Ohkay.

Justin: [laughing]

Griffin: Let’s, let’s roll initiative!

Taako: [tiredly] Wooh, good. This is exactly how I was hoping this would play out.

Travis: [dice rolling] 19.

Justin: [dice rolling] 7.

Clint: Uh, my first is a 16- I get two initiative rolls.

Griffin: Right.

Clint: [dice rolling] I guess I’ll take the 16.

Griffin: Kay. Uhh, first-

Travis: Um- I also just wanna state, right off the bat, that- all of Magnus’s attacks will be non-lethal. Against her.

Griffin: Umm-

Travis: Because so far she hasn’t- made any moves against us, she hasn’t hurt anyone, no one’s in danger… Magnus is all about justice, I’m not just tryna kill her.

Griffin: ...Kay.

Travis: So- I’m trying to basically knock her unconscious.

Clint: Boy, gettin’ your nards knocked off has really wimped you out.

Taako: You- you’ve changed.
Magnus: Listen. Respect above all else- I protect those who can’t protect themselves… I respect justice.
Taako: [considering noise]

Travis: That’s Magnus’s deal.

Clint: Sure, yeah. Okay, Ken doll. That- that’s okay. That’s fine.

Travis: Magnus has a penis!

Justin: Okay, so, does the fight start or- are we fighting? Is this a fight?

Travis: We won. That was it, we did it.

Griffin: We’re gonna start. Uhhh, okay. Uh, first in the order is The Raven. Uhh, she… Holds up-

Travis: I r- I, I’m sorry. I rolled a nineteen.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: ...Ppth.

Griffin: She’s using a… like a super powerful artifact? Um… That has made her-

Travis: I’ve got like three of those!

Griffin: -has made her unto a god? Uh, she is going to, uh, hold up her hand that’s not holding the uh, whip in it, and aim it at, uhh… Merle? And, she is going to cast… Actually, uh, she is gonna point it at all three of you, and she is gonna cast Thunderwave.

Travis: So what are you rolling again?

Griffin: I’m not rolling, you guys are making a Constitution saving throw.

Travis: Ah, I gotcha.

Griffin: Against her spellcasting saving modifier.

Travis: Mkay. [dice rolling] Uhhh, well, blurg. Um. That, for me, is um… Five, plus 6… 11.

Clint: I have a 10.

Justin: I have- I have a-

Travis: Wait, no sorry, that’s a 9.

Justin: I have a four.

Travis: Five plus 9, 14.

Griffin: Wow, you guys all beefed it. Um...

Travis: Sweet!

Griffin: She, uh, casts out a thunderous wave of force. Um, that sends the three of you flying backwards. Uh, to the back wall of this room, where you came out of. Uh, and you are gonna take, uh, a significant amount of damage… [dice rolling] Uh, all of you take 28 points of damage.

Taako: Coooooool.

Travis: Cool cool. Totally sweet.

Griffin: Uhh, next, she-

Travis: [mumbling] You said 20- 28?

Griffin: 28 points of damage.

Clint: [whistles]

Travis: I am bloodied! Just like that.

Griffin: Uh, she is going to take another action. And, uhh, looks at Merle. And holds up her whip, and casts thorn whip!

Travis: I’m- I’m actually not… bloodied. Sorry I just wanted to make that clear to everybody.

Clint: Woohoo-hoo!

Griffin: Close call!

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Uhh, she, uhh… makes an attack roll against you. [dice rolling]

Travis: Okay, now I am going to use Protection.

Griffin: Mkay. Uh, what does that mean?

Travis: So you have di- you have disadvantage against him.

Griffin: Okay well the first roll is a 26. [dice rolling] And the second roll is a 22. That hits you, I’m assuming, Merle? What’s your AC?

Clint: 18.

Griffin: 18. Okay, yeah, that’s a hit. And you see-

Travis: She seems fairly strong.

Griffin: You take… [dice rolling three times] Uh, 21 points of damage.

Travis: Snapples.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Listen. We might have been a bit hasty, with the smiting.

Griffin: How’re you doing- how’re you doing on health?

Clint: Uhm… Uh, let’s see. You said 21? I’m, uh, 2 points dead.

Griffin: Mmkay. Uh, she’s gonna take another action. And, uh, she’s gonna look at, uh, Taako! And she is going to use thorn whip again.

Justin: [laughing] Isn’t she- isn’t it- Does she understand that she’s doing it to a corpse? Does it like, bother her-? Does it seem like her-

Griffin: [interrupting] Are you d- are you dead?

Justin: Oh I’m negative 5, baby. I’m dead as disco.

Travis: From twenty-eight!?

Justin: Well I already had 23, from our previous excursion.

Griffin: Oh, that’s right. Uhh… Then uh, she’s gonna-

Travis: Wait, no no no, hold on. 23 from what?

Justin: Uhh, the fight- I guess we had with the vines? Down the stairs?

Griffin: No, you fought Trent. You didn’t- yeah.

Justin: Well then- well what was the 23 from? It had to be from something.

Griffin: It was from Trent! It didn’t- you didn’t rest.

Travis: No I thought we rested before we went up!

Griffin: No homie! You- y’all rushed in!

Justin: Ah, Ma- Yeah.

Griffin: She’s gonna attack, uh, Magnus then. [dice roll] Uh, first roll is a-

Justin: That’s fine, I didn’t wanna do this stupid podcast anymore anyway.

Clint: [laughter]

Griffin: First roll was a 19.

Justin: Thanks donors, you dipshits!

Clint: [still laughing]

Travis: Uhh, I mean 19 would hit.

Griffin: And you don’t- you can’t force disadvantage. On an attack against yourself, right.

Travis: That’s correct.

Griffin: Kay. [dice rolling] Uh, 16 points of damage.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Aaaand, she’s done!

Travis: With- okay. Well, I’m stuck at a crossroads, because… My compatriots are down, but I’m not like… a healer? ...So I’m gonna charge her.

Griffin: [happily] ‘Kay.

Justin: [laughing in background]

Travis: I run at her with uh, with my axe out, and I’m gonna double hand strike, swing my axe at her.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: [dice rolling] That’s a 15, plus 7, 22.

Griffin: Okay, uh, as you start to attack her, uh, she claps her hands together and a gust of wind sort of throws you off balance? And your strike, uh, goes easily- easily misses her to the side. So she’s gonna impose- impose disadvantage on you. So uh, go ahead and try again.

Travis: [rolling] That is a 12. Plus 7, so 19.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, that hits!

Travis: Cool! ...Lemme get out some other dice here.

Clint: Well I’m glad he’s happy.

Travis: I mean I’m not… “happy”. [mumbling math] Okay. d10, plus 6. So that’s a 10, plus 6, 16.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you slash at her, uh, you catch her in the, uh, right shoulder, uhh… And, she looks- she seems very surprised! That you, have managed to hit her. Um, and you- you take a chunk out of her leather armor, and you see a, a… A little bit of like, green blood? Flow out of the wound that you’ve created.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: And then, the wound-

Travis: And I’m gonna attack again.

Griffin: Oh! Okay.

Travis: Uh, I rear back my axe, and then I grab the belt.

Griffin: Mkay.

Travis: So that’s a 17, [mumbles] ummm… So is that sleight of hand? Or deception.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s gonna be a sleight of hand check.

Travis: Maybe-

Justin: Be care- be careful with that. Cuz that’s gonna- that thing’s got thrall, probably.

Travis: Okay, 19.

Griffin: Uh, 19, okay. Uh, you reach out. And, you put your hand on the belt. It doesn’t have a clasp, it’s just made of these… Brown, sort of like rubber tree reeds? And as you reach out and touch it, uh, what feels like ten thousand volts of electricity, uh, goes shooting through, uh, your body. Uh, her eyes? In that instant you can sort of see them through the mask, uh, and they- they glow just sort of bright… blue. Uh, and you are… thrown backwards with a wave of- of electric force.

Travis: Mhm. But what you don’t know is Magnus is super into that.

Clint: [laughter]

Griffin: [amused] Okay.

Travis: I have it written down here in my sheet.

Griffin: You take 9 damage and you are thrown back- basically crumpled in a heap with your allies.

Travis: Ohhhkay. That does take me down to four hit points.

Griffin: Mmkay. Uh, next up is The Raven. Uh, who holds up her thundery hand, and once again points it at the three of you, um… Uh, but before she can get off her shot, the large circular window, in the back of the room… blasts open. And, shards of glass, uh, go- go flying. Uh, and through that window, swings- uh, as if- as if they were rappelling from the top of the building and have breached into the room- a Halfling woman. Wearing what looks like a karate gi. Um- or is it pronounced “gee”?

Justin: Gi, I think.

Griffin: Gi.

Clint: “Guy”! It’s ‘guy’.

Griffin: ...Is it?

Clint: ...It’s geero.

Griffin: It’s- Now you’re being a butt. Uh, she’s wearing a karate gi, uh, and she’s wearing a bright silver Goldcliff Militia badge. Uh, and she swings into the room. She is small in stature, but she’s incredibly fast, and as she- uh, as she rolls into the room, uh, she holds up one hand in a flat palm, facing her foe, behind her- and the other in sort of a, a steady, uh, pre-chop motion. Uh, h- sort of snake pose, maybe crane style. Uh, and she stands there, uh, and… She yells out, uh-

Karate Girl: Sloane! Sloane-

Griffin: -she says, uh-

Karate Girl: Sloane, you’re not a killer!

Griffin: Uh, and-

Taako: Beg to differ.

Travis: [laughing] I point at Taako and Merle.

Merle: Helloooo?
Magnus: Ahem.

Griffin: And uh, uh- word- without saying a word, The Raven turns and looks uh, at this, uh, this Halfling woman that has swung into the room. Uh, and she… spins, and she turns into a, uh, a grey cloud. And goes flying out the window, and is gone.

Travis: The Raven does?

Griffin: The Raven does. Yeah.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Uhh-

Magnus: Welp! Another successful battle, gentlemen. [claps]
Merle: Ow.
Taako: We win!

Griffin: Uh, she- she runs over to the three of you and she says-

Karate Girl: Can you walk?
Taako: Absolutely not, I can’t even hear you.

Clint: [laughs]

Merle: I’m in Hell right now.
Taako: I’m dead as hell.

Griffin: Uh, she-

Magnus: I can walk, but I may not.

Griffin: She uh, takes her hands and slaps them- and does a quick clap and starts rubbing them together. Uh, sort of channeling some- some energy. Some, some chi-

Travis: And my genitals grow back.

Griffin: As your genitals- your genitals grow back effortlessly-

Merle: Wait, wait, wait a minute! I just met Elvis! Hold on, waitwaitwait!

Justin: [laughing]

Clint: [imitating Elvis] Hey, how’re you doing Merle.

Justin: [laughing, snorting]

Clint: [singing] I’m glad you made it to heaven, oh glory be!

Griffin: [singing] Walking with my feet ten feet off the ground!

Justin: [laughing]

Griffin: [laughing] And she-

Travis: His name is Elfis.

All: [laughing hard]

[theme begins to play]

Merle: Don’t, I don’t wanna go back!

All: [still laughing]

Griffin: Uh, she- she- that’s it, that’s the end of the episode. [laughs]

[outtro theme plays, end of episode]

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