Balance – Episode 17: Lunar Interlude I: Carnival Chaos/Transcript

From The Adventure Zone Wiki
Jump to navigation

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

edit | hide all | hide | edit source

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone

Justin: Um Griffin, can you say something about how we solved your train mystery?

Griffin: Oh, yeah I mean, you actually did solve my- my murder puzzle.

Angus: You got my grandpa’s silverware? You got the whole set?
Taako: Ah well, sadly I was only able to preserve a few pieces of it, but something’s better than nothing, I guess.

Justin: I take out the monocle and I put it in the ball.

Griffin: Lead ball floats up, columns of light shoot through it and it is empty

The Director: You have just destroyed another incredibly powerful relic, it’s called the Oculus… Rift- no!


The Director: It’s just called the Oculus.
Magnus: But how much is the stuff in Taako’s bag worth? The stuff clanking around as we walked around town?
Taako: That’s my CPAP machine!

[Laughter, banging on desk in mirth]

Taako: And uh, thanks for bringing it up though, that’s really nice.

[Travis laughing]

Taako: Wow, what scumbags you are, huh?
Announcer: I’m gonna get jacked up on corn dogs and Dippin’ Dots. We’re going to the carnival this week in… The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]


Griffin: The three of you are on the moon base and you are taking part in a festival that, uh, the Director has thrown, it’s a-

Travis: Yay! Yay! [singing Entry of the Gladiators]

Griffin: [sound of dice being rolled sporadically throughout] That has thrown in honour of the Midsummer Solstice, which uh, is an annual holiday, held once a year during the height of summer, as you might imagine, based on the name of the event, uh, and-and the highlight of the Midsummer Solstice, and the- [sound of dice being rolled again] Who’s just rolling dice? Who’s just?- [dice being rolled, Clint giggling] Who’s doing secret checks that I don’t know about?

Travis: Surprisingly not me!

Justin: I’m checking- I’m checking to see, I’m ch- I’m introducing a new feature on the podcast where I check to see if I interrupt you or not.

Griffin: Okay, well, you have-

Justin: I had to keep doing it!

Clint: Hit!

Justin: Hit!

Griffin: Congratulations, critical interrupt.

Justin: Critical interruption!

Griffin: Uh, e- So- so the Midsummer Solstice is an event that is held every year, um, and- and the highlight of the Midsummer Solstice is this, uh, eclipse that occurs, every year at high noon. It is a bizarre astrological event, um, and the- the- the world’s different religions append a, uh, a spiritual importance to The Eclipse, and- and to the Midsummer Solstice, uh,  which has made it sort of a, uh, pan-religious holiday, uh-

Travis: Griffin, can I interrupt you real quick?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: What are beer prices like at the festival? Is it reasonable? Or is it the kind of thing- we’re only gonna have one and then everything seems overpriced?

Griffin: Well, that’s- that’s- that’s how they get you, it’s 25 gold and you get like a roll of tickets-

Travis: Uh huh.

Griffin: And you trade those tickets in for beers and so like by the time you’ve realised how much you’ve spent, you’re drunk.

Travis: Yeah, okay! And is it like a- like a truck scenario? Or like a food truck? Or is it like stands? Are there games?

Griffin: Uh, there’s a big- there’s a big food tent- [someone pops open a can of drink] there’s a big tent that is full of food and food vendors. Um, uh, there’s- there’s a row, uh, an alley of carnival games, uh, there’s fried foods. Uh, in- in the middle of the sort of yard, uh, in the-the middle of the Bureau of Balance campus is a sort of uh, uh, roped off dance floor, Johann is- is playing some tunes on his fiddle.

Travis: He’s playing The Devil Went Down To Georgia.

Griffin: Yeah, and- and- and songs of that ilk, just sort of getting things going. So, one- one thing that is important about the Midsummer Solstice, uh, is in order to celebrate sort of the upcoming harvest and chase off the- the bad spirits that can- uh, that- that might taint the crops, uh, people typically wear costumes during this holiday. And so, everyone, uh, all- all of the Bureau of Balance employees - it’s basically like an office party - uh, are all decked out in- in their favourite costumes.

Travis: I’m dressed like Taako.

Griffin: Okay, so I was going to ask what you guys are wearing. You’re dressed like Taako, that’s kind of-

Travis: I’m wearing a Taako costume.

Griffin: That’s kind of a deep cut.

Travis: Yeah, no one’s getting it. I’m doing a lot of this like

Magnus (in Travis’ own voice): I’m Taako, get- [imitating Taako] Urghhhhh.

Travis: I guess I should do it in my voice.

Justin: [crosstalk]...In this reality, there’s no way that could happen.

Clint: I think he means you.

Travis: I dress as you.

Justin: But he just said- he said- Oh, as me!

Travis: I’m dressed as T-A-A-K-O.

Griffin: Okay, did you just steal his clothes while he was sleeping?

Travis: Yeah, mostly, they don’t fit very well. He’s a very slight man.

Griffin: Yeah and you’re big and beefy, sinewy, muscly. Uh, Taako and Merle, what are you guys wearing?

Clint: I wanna be Ursula from Little Mermaid.

[Griffin laughing]

Clint: I’m gonna make that dream come true.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I got tentacles on my feet. And I got--

Justin: Paper maché!


Clint: And I got paper maché breasts and um, the wild and crazy hair. And uh--

Travis: And you’ve got coat hangers sticking off your shoulders with like paper maché Flotsam and Jetsam, like you got your little eels with you.

Justin: This has- this has gone beyond a costume, this is cosplay at this point!

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Hey, I got nothing against cosplayers, I’m proud to be a cosplayer.

Travis: And youre get- oh, and you’re getting the hairy eyeball from the octopus in the tank that fed us his dark poopy or whatever it was.

Clint: I thought it was a jellyfish!

Travis: Whatever.

Griffin: It is a jellyfish, it wasn’t an octopus. Know your cephalopods! Are they cephalopods? No, they’re probably not, I just, I said a big word! Uh, Taako, what are you- what are you uh, decked out in?

Justin: Just, Judge Lance Ito.


Travis: You’ve worn that same costume for the last 25 years!

Justin: It’s the only costume I own, um...

Griffin: Perhaps ‘High Paladin Lance Ito’

Justin: Yeah, High- That’s- That’s- that’s better.

Travis: Hero of the realm!

Justin: Hero of the realm, breakout 90s personality: Judge Lance Ito. Um, true story I actually did, at a Halloween party 3 years ago, see someone dressed as Judge Lance Ito-

Griffin: [Crosstalk] Oh my god!

Justin: And I’m still laughing about it to this day, as evidenced by uh, uh, my dressing as Judge Lance Ito for this very special occasion.

Clint: That’s your tribute to that person.

Justin: It’s my tribute to the person, and not Judge Lance Ito who I have beef with.

Clint: Well that makes it cool.

Griffin: Um so- so this- this atmosphere’s got kind of a- sort of a state fair feel to it. Uhhm.

Travis: People entering their prize livestock into things?

Clint: Some pig.

Griffin: No, no, there’s no animals- no animals on the moon. Quit trying to trick me.

Travis: Urgh.

Clint: Ahhh!

Travis: My next- my next question was about puppies.

Griffin: Right, sure, no, not- not there. Um, uh, yeah! People are getting a little bit tipsy, uh, uh, Robbie is mixing up some drinks, he’s got- there’s an open bar which is very exciting.

Travis: Open bar? Later!

Griffin: M’kay. Um, yeah, I was- I was gonna ask you: what do you guys want to do? We have a little bit of, uh, time to kill before uh, uh, events of importance start happening.

Travis: I- I’d like to eat some fried centaur on a stick.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And have a couple brews! Let me roll- Oh, only a 3! Not very drunk.

Justin: [Imitating Travis] Roll to see if I get drunk!


Griffin: Uh, so you- you have wandered into the food tent, and uh, your- your eye is drawn into this one booth in particular, uh, where there is this giant vat of bubbling golden oil, uh, over a large powerful flame, uh, and a dwarven woman wearing, uh, wizard’s garb over it. And she says:

Dwarven woman: Hello, hello, step forward, step forward! What would you- what would you like? I’m Petrilda. And I am the fried conjurer. [someone snorts] What w-- Name any food stuff you can imagine and I will conjure it and I will fry it up for you so right.

Clint: Mmm!

Magnus: Anything?

[Justin laughing]

Petrilda: Anything your heart desires I can put it in your mouth. I’ll fry it first though.
Magnus: [gasps] I’d like some fried unicorn please.
Petrilda: Fried unicorn?

Griffin: She looks around.

Magnus: Just the horn, just the horn! That’s the best part, the horn and the dick.

[someone bursts out laughing and claps his hand on his leg]

Griffin: Okay-- she looks around.

Magnus: I want some fried unicorn dick.

[Clint and Justin laughing]

Petrilda: Oh, the- the unicorn double barrel special, I see!

[more laughing]

Griffin: She looks around and uh, surveys and she leans forward and whispers in your ear:

Petrilda: Now you’re not going to tell anyone about this, right? ‘Cause this is-
Magnus: Nah, we’ll keep this dick just between us.
Petrilda: -super duper duper illegal. Okay.

Griffin: Uh, and uh, she holds two hands in the air and in one a uh, uh, beautiful spiral ivory white unicorn horn appears and in the other a unicorn penis appears and she dunks ‘em both in the- the vat of golden oil-

Travis: With her bare hands?

Griffin: Yeah, and - well, no, she doesn’t like hold her hands in there, she just sort of throws em in there. Uh, and- and some oil splashes up. She doesn’t seem to mind. She doesn’t give a fuck. Uh, and she pulls out two cylindrical, uh, fried things with a little wire basket-

Clint: I hope you kept- I hope you kept track of which was which.

Travis: I’m gonna eat them both, it doesn’t matter!

Griffin: And hands them to you on a Styrofoam plate and says uh:

Petrilda: Eat up, mind the shards!
Magnus: Uh, can I get a little pack of sugar?
Petrilda: Oh, of course.
Taako: Do you- I’m not in the mood for meat, do you ever fry anything that’s like breadier, something non-meaty?
Petrilda: Like what, dear? You have to be more specific.
Taako: Well, what bread do you have available?
Petrilda: I have sourdough and-
Taako: No.
Petrilda: -pumpernickel-
Taako: Ew! No.

[Clint laughing]

Petrilda: I have-
Taako: Anything ethnic?


Petrilda: Yes I can, I-I have some naan, some naan bread I can- I can toss in there.
Taako: Alright, no, never mind.

Griffin: Is that what- Are you trying to trick me into a tortilla trap?

Taako: It’s not a trick, it’s narrative development.


Taako: Trying to organically push the only story in this show that matters forward.

Justin: Does Travis- Does- does Magnus look like he has like bonuses or anything now? Does he look like bonus-y?

Griffin: Uhh...

Justin: Perception check to see if Magnus looks like he has bonuses.

Griffin: From eating a unicorn-? [cross talk] From eating a double barrel unicorn blast?

Justin: From eating a unicorn dick.


Justin: That’s the by-lane to flavour country right there.

Griffin: They’re both difficult to eat, but in different ways.

Justin: Equally upsetting ways!

Clint: One’s mental!

Griffin: One-- one is mental and one is more physically difficult, um, but no-

Clint: Is the dick spiral too?

Griffin: [crosstalk] Uh, Dad. Can you--

Justin: [crosstalk] Wait, wait, wait--

Clint: [shouting] How come everybody else can say it but me?

Griffin: [shouting] ‘Cause you’re my dad! You birthed me!

Justin: I always assumed that the horn was its dick. Was that just me?

Griffin: No, you gain no bonuses, you’re just- you are filled. It tastes great.


Justin: Are there any games?

Travis: Om nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Griffin: Yeah, you walk over to uh, the mini game alley, and they all look like rip-offs, there’s- there’s the old Toss-The-Little-Ring-Around-The-Bottle, nobody’s ever won that. There’s that one where you have to, like push a bowling ball along the rails and like you have to stop along the like--

Travis: Oh I just do it, I rolled- I rolled a 14, I have a plus 6 against bottles.

Griffin: Mmkay, uh, but no actually you thought you won it but actually the- the ring, uh, skips off the top of one of the bottles; no such luck. No dice. Uhhm. There is uh, uh, one particularly enticing vendor whose- who uh, yells out:

Vendor: Come knock over these cans! Come knock over my cans, I bet you can’t knock over these cans!
Merle: I’ll do it, I’ll knock over your cans.
Vendor: I bet you can’t knock over these cans. I’ve got em stacked up in a special way. My master trained for years to stack the cans in these ways and he taught me how to stack these cans – you’ll never knock them over! It’s 5000 gold pieces to try and knock over these cans.

[cackling laughing]

Vendor: But the prize is well worth it, I guarantee it! 5000 gold pieces, sir. Try your hand, try your hand!
Merle: Do I have 5000 gold pieces?
Magnus: No, I d- I don’t think we have 5000 gold pieces.
Vendor: I’ll tell you what, sir, I’ll let you take this t--stab for free and you’ll just owe me if you fail, what do you say? What do you say?


Taako: What are the rules?
Vendor: Knock over the cans!
Merle: How many cans are there?
Vendor: There’s a handful of cans. 6- 6 or 7, I’d say.
Merle: How about if I take one practice throw for free?
Vendor: I’ll give you a practice throw for free.
Merle: Okay, I’ll try it!

Griffin: Okay, he hands you a uh, a small, uh, uh, solidly constructed ball, uh, about- it’d be about like a softball, if softball existed in this beautiful fantasy world I have developed for you three.

Clint: Does it?

Griffin: No, no, no.

Justin: So about - about the size of a roc’s egg.

Griffin: Yeah, about the size of a- [crosstalk]

Clint: Yeah, a good story thing.

Travis: Of an ogre’s eyeball!

Griffin: He hands it to you.

Clint: All right, I’ll wind up...and I’m going to throw it underhanded… to get more of an arc.

Griffin: [Crosstalk] Oh, I see.

Travis: Don’t you have magic spells and shit? You don’t have to do trick pitches.

Griffin: chuck it. Make a uh, ranged attack throw on these cans. Just roll a D20, and we’ll say, uh, I’ll give you a plus--well, just add your dexterity modifier to it, I guess.

Clint: Zero! I’m even on dexterity, so it’s a 12.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you- you knock off uh, the top three cans from the stack.

Vendor: Awh! So close! Damn! That’ll be five thousand gold pieces, please.
Magnus: No, that was a practice throw.
Merle: That was a practice throw!
Vendor: I don’t remember anything about a practice throw.
Merle: I have two burly witnesses here that remember that.
Vendor: Alright! Easy, tiger! Easy, tiger!

Justin: Listen, you dipshits, you’re gonna start talking in your character voices if I have to drag you into it.

Merle: Okay. All right, how about double or nothing? Let me throw another one.

Justin: I know it’s hard to get used to, but once you’re there, two people will live inside you. Trust me.

[Griffin laughing]

Justin: It’s like having- it’s like Herman’s Head up in here.

Clint: Come into me, Merle.

Justin: Exactly! Let his spirit in.

Clint: Come into me, Merle.

Justin: Oh boy.

Travis: I don’t like any of this!

Vendor: Double or nothing sounds good!
Merle: Double or nothing!
Vendor: I’d love to make ten- then thousand gold pieces today.
Merle: Alright, I’m ready. This time I’m throwing overhand.
Vendor: Sounds good. That’s a very- very popular throwing direction!

Clint: 20! I rolled a 20!

Vendor: I’ll need confirmation from the other person in the room on that roll.

Justin: He did, in fact, roll a 20.

Vendor: Okay!

Griffin: Uh, you knock over all but one of the cans.

Clint: Wait a minute!

Travis: Ooohhh!

Justin: Son of a bitch.

Vendor: Dang.

Justin: Okay, after I notice that, uh, all but one are knocked off, I uh, cast Mage Hand and send the other one flying.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you- you- you- What are you doing? You just punching it? Is he doing a little Mage Hand punch?

Justin: Yeah, just like ‘clink-‘ Yeah, punching it.

Clint: Bink!

Griffin: Okay, he does that, uh, and, uh, an alarm goes off inside his booth

Vendor: Uh oh, magic alert, magic alert! We got a coupla cheaters here. Let me see your hands. Hold out your hands.

Griffin: And he brings out a-

Taako: No, I mean, it was me. I asked for rules and you said that ‘knock over the cans’ so I was following the rules.
Vendor: Oh, I think it was implied that you had to use the ball.
Merle: Implied, schlmied!

Griffin: He pulls out a big rubber stamp that says ‘Cheater’ on it.

Vendor: Let me see your hands. No more carnival games for you.
Taako: Listen, it’s not the worst thing that’s been stamped on my hand this week. Let me tell you.

Griffin: Uh, you three have been banned from the rest of the carnival games.

Travis: No. I won’t allow this. I wanna roll back time, can I do that?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: Oh, that’s a 10, that’s probably not gonna do it, is it?

[booming laughter]

Griffin: Okay.

Vendor: Twenty- Now you owe me twenty thousand! Your whole adventuring party – twenty thousand gold pieces!

Travis: I’m gonna knock him unconscious. Is that like just an unarmed attack?

Clint: Is that against the rules?

Justin: Nah, don’t. There’ll be a whole bureau investigation and they’ll have to get internal affairs.

Vendor: Let’s set up an installment plan!
Merle: All right. I’ll pay you one gold piece a year for twenty thousand years.
Vendor: Sounds good to me!
Merle: All right.

[Travis laughing]

Griffin: Umm.

Travis: Well, that was resolved easily.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Uh, the three of you wander back into sort of the main uh, uh, part of the festival.

Merle: Let’s dance! Let’s dance! [crosstalk]

Griffin: Uh, people are starting to get like drunk, so like-

Justin: Nice!

Griffin: It’s- it’s one of those office parties where like, maybe things are getting a little bit uncomfortable. Johann is also playing, uh, music, a little bit- just a little bit too sad. Just a little bit too slow for people to really groove to. Uhhm. So it’s uh- it maybe isn’t the most comfortable, uh, dance floor environment.

Clint: No.

Travis: I wanted to get my face painted.

Griffin: Okay, Travis- Merle gets his- Magnus gets his face painted! In what- What d’you want? A spiderman?

Magnus: I wanna look like a kitty.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Is there a petting zoo?

Griffin: Uh, no, there’s no animals on the moon, again. Cannot stress this enough. Uhh, Magnus--

Justin: I got a question that Taako asks no one in particular:

Taako: Is there some adventure here or like are we just hanging?

Griffin: Listen, I don’t understand why it always has to be like killing goblins- or gerblins, or like stopping, y’know, evil wizards. That’s not life. Like, if that was your everyday, it would get super boring. Sometimes you just have to celebrate uh, uh, uh, Mid- sometimes you just have to take part in a festival! Sometimes you have to eat fried foods, and hang out with friends.

Justin: Sounds like somebody’s saying [imitating Griffin] ‘I dunno. You guys come up with something. You’re at a carnival.’ [Own voice] It’s-- it’s not-- you’re not giving us a D&D Adventure you’re giving us improv comedy prompts. ‘Ok! You’re at a dentist’s office and the dentist- he comes in, he’s a bear! What you gonna do now? Say yes.’

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Uh, The Director, uh, you- you hear her voice amplified over the yard, uh, and she says:

The Director: Uh, attention, everyone. The Eclipse is about to take place, if you would like to join us in the yard, and join us for the viewing of The Eclipse. Uh, it should be here in just a minute or so.

Griffin: Uhm. And you see the artificer, Leon, walking around handing out, uh, these glasses to everyone and he hands, uh, each of you a pair, they’re just sort of very simple black, uh, glasses, uh,– sunglasses, one might call them, uh, uh, – so you can view the, uh, view The- The Eclipse without injuring your precious eyeball cones.

Travis: I wear them but only to look cool.

Griffin: M’kay.

Justin: Taako puts them on.

Griffin: Yeah. They’re- they’re gonna look cool, I guarantee it. Just as the sky begins to darken and the sun and the moon- the real moon, not the moon that you are on, the- the actual main, real moon for this planet.

Travis: The real ass moon.

Griffin: The real ass moon. Um. Just as these two heavenly bodies align in the sky, you are blasted by this deafening shriek that, uh, immediately incapacitates, uh, everyone around you. Everyone around you just sort of falls to the ground limp. Uh, and the sk- the sky has turned pitch black, all you see where the sun-

Travis: Did the sun and the moon run into each other?

Griffin: Uh, no. Uh, you- you see just the faintest outline of the sun now, and uh, a great black circle in the sky, uh, where The Eclipse has taken place. But you- but you’re blasted by this supersonic noise. Uh, and I’m going to need all of you to make a constitution saving throw to see if you can sort of withstand this- this sonic blast.

Travis: I rolled an 18. Well, I rolled a 13 and my constitution modifier is 5.

Justin: 17 for me.

Griffin: What?!

Travis: Yeah, as a fighter you have plus 2 to strength saving throws and constitution saving throws.

Griffin: Oh, okay, okay! Uh, and s- and sorry, what was it, Juice, yours?

Justin: 17.

Griffin: 17. And Merle?

Clint: I rolled a 20 plus 2- ow! Plus 2 for constitution.

Griffin: Damn! Y’all saved the shit out of that roll! Uh, the- the three of you-

Travis: Well, we don’t listen very well.

Griffin: That is a good point. Uh, the three of you stay standing, uh, and- and uh, remain- uh, you- you- you retain your consciousness. Uh, and- and j- pretty much everybody around you has fallen face down on the ground. Uhhm.

Travis: Looting!


Griffin: Uh, well, you’re a li-- you’re a little bit too shaken to go around pillaging every person around you. Be- because you have stayed conscious, you can distinguish some sounds in this calamity, and it sounds almost like... twenty orchestras are all playing all at the same time around you, like it- it just sounds like this cacophonous- Uh, uh, y- yeah, it sounds almost- you’re- you’re standing, uh, in the middle of a circle and all around you are just these- these orchestras that are just blasting you with music and you hear these thousands, if not millions, of whispers. Um. But they’re all happening at the same time and they’re all so loud that you can’t really make out, uh, any particular word that they’re saying. You just understand that there are these whispers around you. Um.

Travis: Now this is our first Eclipse Festival.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Maybe this is normal? Maybe every year-

Griffin: [laughing] Pretty cool holiday!

Travis: Yeah! Every year it’s like: ‘and then we take, y’know, a twenty minute nap while the whispers happen…and we go home and make love’.

Griffin: So this is- Yeah, what is- That’s- Yeah, that all made super good sense. This is- this is not your guys’ first Midsummer Solstice, this is just your first Midsummer Solstice moon party- moon festival.

Travis: You ever been to Midsummer Solstice on the moon?

Griffin: Uh, no, this is- this is unorthodox, to say the least. And as- as the equinox reaches its apex, uh, the- this- this event only lasts about- the eclipse only lasts about 30 seconds or so. Uh, and as it reaches its apex and the light of the sun is completely blotted out, uh, the three of you can see in the sky, for- for just 2 seconds, uh, just a brief moment, the sky is filled with thousands of bright, white eyes. And they’re all just burning intensely, uh, and then as the sun and moon part from one another, they fade out just as quickly as they appeared. Uh, and then, uh, as the equinox passes, the music also fades, and then it’s just back to normal, it’s bright outside {22:39} and the three of you are left standing, uh, the- the Director is the first one to sit up and survey the scene, - You have survived this uh, this terrible, cacophonous event.

Clint: Magnus immediately assumes that he got a hold of some bad unicorn dick.


Magnus: What was in that dick you sold me?!

Griffin: ‘This-- Guys, this is important. The unicorn dick is tainted!’

Clint: Don’t eat the unicorn dick!

Magnus: Everybody stay calm, if someone tries to hand you some bad dick, just - just say no. Say no to bad dick!

Travis: I head over to the Director, and say -

Magnus: What was that? What in the world was that? Has that happened before, or...?
The Director: No, I -
Magnus: Like a thing?

Griffin: She’s a little bit, uh, disoriented. She just woke up, and-

Travis: I slap her.

Griffin: She slaps you back.

The Director: Booyah.

Griffin: She says.


Travis: But now she’s crystal clear.

Griffin: Uh, okay yeah - she’s not disoriented. She says uh,

The Director: [out of breath] No that’s uh- that was the first- I, I need you all to debrief with me, in my office, but first let’s wake everyone up and make sure that everyone’s alright. Uh--

Travis: We walk around slapping everyone.

Griffin: [laughs] Okay, you hand out Healing Slaps to every unconscious person uh, in the festival grounds.

Justin: I make the, um, I use Prestidigitation to make the, uh, guy in the sun costume from the Jimmy Dean commercials appear because he always makes me feel pretty good.


Justin: And I’m like,

Taako: Rise and shine!

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you- you prestidigitate--

Taako: Check out my dude!

Griffin:-- this beloved commercial mascot, the sun from the Jimmy Dean commercials. Uh, Merle, you just stand in the middle of a pile of people and just start spinning, and your Ursula tentacles do the slapping for you.

[slapping sound effects made with somebody’s mouth]

Clint: Got it.

Griffin: You are- you are- you are a hurricane of slaps. Um, so yeah, the-- you guys spend the rest of the afternoon, uh, sort of recuperating from- from this, uh, this calamity and you, uh, meet up with the Director in her office, and uh, she says, uh -

The Director: I- I was incapacitated by whatever happened out there. I need you all to describe to me - what- what happened? Where-- Are we under attack?
Magnus: It was wacky.
Taako: Oh, talk about your unreliable narrators. Um, we, there was a loud… then, bri- bright. Br-- no, bright first, and then loud.
Magnus: Mhm. Yes.
Merle: No, no, loud and then bright.
Magnus: I thought it was at the same time.
Taako: There was sort of a confluence, right?
Magnus: Yeah, and it sounded like a bunch of like, uh, instruments? Like a bunch of like, string... instruments...
Taako: Cacophony...
Magnus: There was coffins...
Taako: You know The Polyphonic Spree?
Magnus: Yeah [crosstalk]
The Director: I like - I love - I mean I prefer Tripping Daisy, but you know how-
Magnus: Imagine if you played like eight Polyphonic Spree albums at the same time, but like just a little bit too fast.
The Director: Okay. Did you see anything? In addition to the-
Magnus: A bunch of - it was a bunch of like ovals.
The Director: A bunch of- like-
Merle: Eyes.
Magnus: There were--Oh yeah. Eyes - it was eyes. They were eyes- it was eyeballs.
The Director: Okay.
Magnus: [clearing throat] And they uh, and they looked, um, kind of glorious, but a little bit evil.
Merle: Bloodshot, they were bloodshot- kinda bloodshot.
Magnus: Little bloodsh- were they bloodshot?
Merle: Little bit.

Griffin: [laugh] You guys sound so alike, I love it. Um.

The Director: Our- our Seekers on the ground have reported back to us and have told us that nobody on the surface, uh, of- of the world saw or heard anything peculiar. So whatever- whatever you saw, uh, you were the only ones who-who-who saw it. This- this was not a worldwide phenomenon, it just happened to us, uh, up- up here, up on the moon.
Merle: It was moonwide.
Magnus: Could this be the work of- of some kind of evil organization spying on us?
The Director: I don’t know what it was, but I need you to not tell anybody what you’ve told me today. Even inside of the Bureau, until we understand what we’re up against.
Magnus: Oh. [inhales] I already Tweeted it.


The Director: What- you mean you… told it to… a bird... ?

[tweeting noise, maybe Clint?]

Magnus: I told it to the birds. And the bees.
The Director: You made love? I don’t under-- I-
Magnus: I made love to birds.

Clint: And bees.

Justin: Blame it on the unicor--

Magnus: I was a little bit stoned on unicorn dick.

Justin: Blame it on the unicorn dick.

The Director: Whatever you-- whatever you do in your spare time is your business but it’s- it is of the utmost importance that you don’t tell anybody what you saw until we understand what it is that you saw. And uh--
Magnus: Okay. We’ll just tell Killian and we’ll tell our roommate Pringles.
The Director: Nope. Don’t tell. Nope. Pringles?
Magnus: Whatever his name was.
The Director: Robert.
Magnus: Robrit?

Justin: [laughing] He just- he just wanted Pringles. That can’t define him for the rest of his life.

Travis: Well sometimes that’s just how you get a nickname.

Clint: Ol’ Pringles Robert!

The Director: I believe that this is an ill omen, and we must hasten our efforts to gather the Relics because if a- if a storm is brewing, we cannot hope to weather it if we are busy putting out the fires that threaten to consume our world.
Taako: Mm. That sounded really cool.
Magnus: Yeah, that was good, did you write that?
The Director: No, that was off the dome.
Merle: Well first I think you oughta investigate that can game bastard.
Taako: Yeah. That guy’s gotta whole-
The Director: No, I’m sorry, you’re right, you’re right.


The Director: Before we hasten our efforts to collect the Grand Relics that threatened- threaten to destroy our world I’ll look into a seedy carnival game owner and operator.
Merle: Alright, foreshadowing! That’s all I’m saying.
Taako: Good, good.
The Director: You’re dismissed. Please.
Magnus: Th- are we fired?
The Director: No, just, go. I’m tired. I’m very very sleepy.
Taako: Gonna get on the case early tomorrow, huh? The case of the mysterious carnival barker.


Taako: It was the administrator’s greatest case!

[The Money Zone: 28:23 -33:05]

Griffin: Hey everyone this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, your lover? No. Not that. Just your dungeon master and your best friend.

Thank you for listening to The Adventure Zone, episode 17, in which we take a little interlude - a Lunar Interlude if you will, and that’s probably what I’m going to call the episode for the main campaign - to do some character management, which is coming right up after this.

Thank you all so much for listening to the show, thank you for tweeting about the show, we’re going to kick off a new story arc in the next episode in two weeks, so make sure that you tweet about the show using the #TheZoneCast hashtag, and you might end up as a character in that story arc? Who knows? I don’t know, because I haven’t picked the names yet!

We have a couple sponsors this week, on the Adventure Zone, first up is Audible. Audible, you know em, you love em, you’ve been educated through books because of them! And the magic of books. The Adventure Zone is sponsored in part by, the Internet’s leading provider of spoken audio information and entertainment with over 180,000 titles. Audible is offering Adventure Zone listeners a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial membership. You can get a free audiobook of your choice right now at audible bodcast dot com slash adventure. I’mma say it one more time, because I think I said “bodcast”, and that’s not a thing, though it should be. That’s

This hot, tight, sweaty bodcast is also sponsored this week by Naturebox. Naturebox’s snacks are all made with zero artificial flavors, colors or sweeteners, zero grams trans fats, and no high fructose corn syrup. And it’s so much better for you than the other snack options out there. Next time you’re hungry, you could grab something in the “eato milieu” (???), if you’re a dummy, but instead I suggest you grab some jalapeno white cheddar popcorn, some pistachio power clusters, or some big island pineapple! Those are all snacks that are all really tasty and good for you, and they’re all available at Naturebox. I can get you, on the freeskies, some free Naturebox snacks. If you go to, you can get a free trial box of Naturebox’s favorite snacks. You’re gonna love every second of this eating experience.

I have a personal message for this week’s episode. If you wanna get a personal message for yourself or your small business you can get one at Just pick The Adventure Zone and let us know what you want me to say.

This message is for ‘Kat’ (sp?), and it’s from ‘This field intentionally left blank’. This is a - essentially a Craigslist missed connection for Kat. This anonymous person says:

Thanks for turning me on… to this podcast. They put an ellipses there, and I interpret ellipses as like, three second pauses. Peace and pleasure, Kat. Smiley face.

I don’t know what to make of this message, but hopefully Kat will, and hopefully, every person who listens to this show whose name is Kat, or Katie, or Katrina, uh, wasn’t just totally scared shitless. We have another personal message this week, and it’s for… ‘emmyQTgirl’, or ‘Emmy cutie girl’, and/or ‘meklindorf anne’. [laughs] I have no idea, I just spit it from the dome, as I read it, and that’s how it came out. It’s from ‘Momo’, and ‘Dammit, Katie!’, and they say, to ‘emmyQTgirl and/or meklindorf anne’:

For this b-day we promise to play with your hair, buy you incorrectly monogrammed stationery, burn wangus, put a real poop on the bathroom floor, and butt-punch the cum right out you. Turn westward and you will find a mug with the pic of you at the wedding, where your mouth is full of food, and you have tiny mouth. Love you shmemzi! Uh, Hashtag #bringbackbarrybluejeans

We’ll see what we can do about that. [whispers] We’re not going to do anything about that. Thanks again for everybody for listening to the show. If you haven’t given the other shows on the MaximumFun network a chance, you should, because they’re all fun, and they’re all free, and we’re going to be hanging out with a lot of them, this week, or sorry I guess last weekend by the time you hear this, at MaxFunCon. Go listen to Jordan Jesse Go, go listen to One Bad Mother, go listen to Throwing Shade. Go listen to… My Brother, My Brother, And Me, which is a show that we also do. We do a couple shows on the network. You can find them all along with all the other amazing shows at

That’s it for the commercial this week, I’ll let you get back to the episode. Next episode will be up on July 2nd, so I will talk to you then. See you, cool cats!

[The Money Zone ends - back to The Adventure Zone!]

Griffin: Alright let’s do a little bit of character management. ‘Cause we need to manage y’all.

Travis: This is everyone’s favorite part.

Griffin: Some people - some people are into it. Some people like the trips to the Fantasy Costco, we got- we got a lot of submissions. Lot of, uh, I don’t- I don’t wanna be critical of our fans and our, uh, loved ones, let’s call ‘em, but, uh, if you send in an item that’s like, “it’s a sword and it does a billion damage,” I can’t do that - I can’t include that.

Travis: I would like that one please.

Griffin: “It’s a potion and if you drink it you’re invincible.” You can’t have a potion that makes you invincible.

Travis: Why are you making them sound like that, Griffin, like the ghost of Emo Philips?

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Because Emo Philips listens to the show! He sends in a lot of shitty Fantasy Costco suggestions. Um, do you guys wanna--

Taako: [laughs] What about a shield?

Griffin: Y’all wanna go to the- the Costco first? You wanna go to the Fantasy Gachapon? Or do you wanna meditate and-

Justin: Let’s-

Griffin: ...and level up?

Justin: Let’s go to the Fantasy Gachapon first because that’s random.

Travis: Yeah, and that will determine what we buy

Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah, and we might get some cool stuff.

Griffin: Good idea. Um, alright, so you s- you roll up to the uh, artificer, who, I forget what I made him sound like. I wanna say Tim Curry, but I don’t wanna like, I- I don’t know. I don’t wanna be mean to Tim Curry.

Travis: No, it’s a touching tribute.

Griffin: I guess it’s like a tribute, it’s all in honor. Okay, uh-

Leon: Hello, welcome back. Do you have, uh, any tokens to throw in the Fantasy Gachapon?

Travis: Do we?

Leon: [crosstalk] Test your luck, see what Lady Luck -

Griffin: You do. You got three.

Travis: Okay, we do. We do!

Magnus: We do. We’ve got these tokens, son.
Leon: Okay, let me see those?

Griffin: He takes them and bites them.

Travis: I throw em at him.

Leon: Do-- Be careful! They’re quite heavy.

Griffin: He bites them just to make sure they’re- they’re legit, hands- hands them back to you.

Travis: His teeth break.

Leon: Ow! Gah. Oh no. I need to go.

Travis: No one bites brass tokens, Griffin, you bite gold.

Leon: Ah, who wants to go first, who’s feeling lucky?
Merle: I’ll do it.

Griffin: Uh, alright, Merle, step up to the plate.

Merle: Alright. Here’s my token, and I’m w-- spinnin’ the wheel!

Griffin: Uh, it’s more like a lever. More li-- or a d- or a dial, or a knob. Um. Okay! You- you throw the uh, the token into the Fantasy Gachapon, spin it, and roll a- roll a d20!

Clint: D20, okay.

Travis: [laughs] Alright. Let me see what I got here.

Clint: Aaand, I rolled a 10!

Griffin: 10, middle of the road. Totally average.

Justin: You said it didn’t go like that.

Clint: You said it didn’t work that way!

Griffin: No, it doesn’t. I’m- I’m just saying numerically. It’s bet-- it’s between- It’s between ‘em. Um, okay, so you - hold on, let me open up my spreadsheet.

Travis: If only Griffin had known this was coming.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: I have several spreadsheets, that I work off of at any given time. So I have a lotta--

Travis: You’re gonna have to 3-monitor this shit, Griffin.

Griffin: I might-- Yeah, I’m already 2-monitoring this shit, this is getting out of control, I guess I can loop my television - anyway, okay, uh, a 10, okay. So a uh, a capsule comes down into the prize chamber, you lift up the- the door to the prize chamber and retrieve the capsule, it’s about the size of a shoe box? Uh, and you crack it open, and, appropriately enough, there are some shoes inside! Uh, or to be more specific, they’re more like slippers? Uh, like house- house slippers, like fuzzy bunny slippers,

Clint: Aww!

Griffin: These are, uh, uh, some slippers that have small, uh, aesthetic wings on the back of them.

Clint: [low, satisfied laugh] Cool.

Griffin: And uh, the uh, the artificer - what’s his name? I literally just said it.

Travis: Leon.

Griffin: Leon. Oh of course, for Leon Ressler. Uh, Leon the artificer takes these slippers and eyes them over and opens up his giant tome, his own spreadsheet, his own triple-monitor spreadsheet on his desk, uh, and uh, flips to uh-

Leon: Let’s see, let’s see. Uh, S…

Travis: For slippies.

Leon: These are your Slippies of Haste. And these are a very, uh, wondrous magic item. While you’re wearing these, uh, if you ever find yourself in danger, or uh, uh, about to enter into combat, uh, you will be able to move a little bit faster than those who are trying to get the drop on you.

Griffin: … He says. Uh, which in D&D game speak means uh, you will have advantage on all of your initiative rolls from now on.

Clint: Whoa!

Travis: That’s good for you.

Griffin: So whenever you-- Yeah, whenever you roll for initiative, uh, you roll twice and take the higher result. So these are really good shoes.

Clint: Cool.

Travis: Those are some badass shoes. Those’re some cool-ass slippies.

Griffin: Yeah. You toss on those cool-ass slippies, I’m guessin’?

Clint: I’m tossin’ ‘em on; they’re a perfect fit.

Griffin: [chuckling] It’s weird how that worked out!

Clint: [chuckling] It is weird.

Travis: Ah, they’re too small. Aw, what’re you gonna do?

Griffin: Aw, nope, damn. Well, okay. Maybe you can sell ‘em at the Fantasy Costco. Uh--

Travis: Maybe they’re just like--maybe they’re just a little too small, so like, they fit, you can wear ‘em, but like, you don’t like it. You know, you’re gonna get a little chafing on the back of your heel.

Clint: Hmm.

Griffin: Uh, you--you love ‘em. They feel great.

Clint: I think I’ll keep ‘em.

Griffin: They got some Dr. Scholl’s inserts. Um, only, I guess it’d be like, Magister Scholl, and he’s a warlock. A foot warlock. Who wants to go next?

Travis: I’ll go!

Griffin: M’kay. Magnus, you step up to the machine--

Travis: I rolled an 11.

Griffin: Give me some flavor! Don’t just--

Travis: Oh.

Magnus: I- uh, I wi- I will now spin the wheel.

Griffin: Okay, you spin it, whatever.

Magnus: Of justice.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Uh, you got an 11?

Travis: I g- I got an 11, if that’s good.

Griffin: Oh god no, it’s not.

Travis: No!

Griffin: Uh, no, it’s uh, it’s okay. Uh you, a, uh, a- uh capsule drops down--

Magnus: Shield, shield, shield, shield, shield--

Griffin: It is not shield-sized.

Magnus: Ugh.

Griffin: It is much smaller than the, uh, capsule you got the Railsplitter out of. Uh, it’s, uh, maybe the size of like a volleyball. Uh--

Magnus: Is it a volleyball?

Griffin: Uh, it is actually a, a green cloth glove, uh, that, uh, is- is made for your right hand, uh, and uh, you hand it to Leon the Artificer, and he flips through the book.

Leon: Let’s see, uh. Don’t see anything for this in G…

Griffin: And he keeps flipping. It takes him a while to find this one. And he goes,

Leon: Ah! Ah. This, uh, is a magic item called a fletcher’s mitt. And, uh, what this does is if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of, uh, an arrow or a crossbow bolt, uh, this glove will uh, uh, give you a little bit of help in avoiding or even catching the uh, projectile being fired at you.

Griffin: He says. Uh, which means you have a +1 AC against ranged, non-magical attacks.

Travis: Ooh!

Griffin: Um, and if you, uh, avoid any ranged, non-magical attacks you, uh, grab the projectile and have it.

Travis: Well all right then! I can deal with that.

Clint: Nice!

Griffin: Uh, and that was the fletcher’s mitt.

Travis: [crosstalk] Now does that, does that in any way conflict with my, uh, phantom fist, or do they-- uh, can I wear both?

Griffin: Uh, I mean, you can wear both.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: We’ll say the phantom fist is for your lefty.

Travis: Okay, great.

Griffin: Taako? You wanna hit this- you wanna hit this shit?

Justin: Yeah, I uh, walk up to Leon, and I hand him the token.

Leon: Oh god. How do you-- How can this be? I can’t believe you’ve done this.
Taako: I’m ready!
Leon: Okay.

Griffin: He hands it back to you.

Leon: Just, sweetheart, I want you to pop it into the machine and turn it yourself. I can’t do it for you. Remember the monologue I did last time about like, how I can’t give you magical items, it has to be fate--

Justin: I hand him the coin.

Leon: --Okay.

Clint: [laughs]

Leon: Do you want-- I’m going to, if you hand this to me again, I’m going to take it away from you, and you won’t get a magic item, and you’ll be very sad.
Taako: No, I want a magic item.
Magnus: [whispering] Just- just do it. Leon, just do it.
Leon: I can’t-- What-- I, it’s against our--
Magnus: Leon! Be cool! Be cool.
Leon: Think about our--
Magnus: Leon!
Leon: This- this machine has been sanctified by the gods. If you- if you get a magic item out of it, it is- it is un-- like the gods are giving it to you. If I turn the wheel, and I-- and something dope drops out, it’s my thing. Do you- do you understand?
Taako: You didn’t-- But you didn’t hurt the- the guy with the stinky hand!
Leon: No, you hurt--
Taako: I hurt him!
Leon: Yes, you hurted him great. Here’s a coin, put it in the machine, turn that there knob, and Bob’s your uncle.
Taako: All right!

Justin: I put the token into the machine.

Leon: M’kay.
Taako: Hit me!
Leon: Halfway- halfway there! Oh boy!
Taako: Now, which way do I turn it?
Leon: The-- to the right. And I want you to take both your hands and make L’s with them. The one that looks like an L is the left hand.
Taako: Okay, got it.
Leon: And so turn it the opposite direction to that.
Taako: Is that clockwise or counterclockwise?
Leon: It is clockwise.
Taako: I don’t understand clock--I’m a digital man, myself.
Leon: [laughing] Why did you ask the question between the two if you didn’t--
Taako: I’m still trying to figure it out! So I use learning opportunities like this! Okay.

Clint: [laughs]

Taako: I’ll put my hands on the crank, and you just turn my hands. How does that sound?

Griffin: He leans in under the table-- He leans in under his desk.

Travis: While all of this is going on, I’ve handed my bow and arrow to Merle, and I’m telling him to shoot me while I try to catch the arrow.

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: Just in the background.

Justin: [laughs]

Travis: Just quietly in the background.

Griffin: Okay, that’s fun. Merle, you wanna roll--make a ranged attack roll against, uh, Magnus?

Justin: [laughs] This’ll be his critical. This’ll be his critical roll.

Clint: This is good, yes. Okay, ranged attack roll. …2.

Griffin: 2, okay. [laughs] The arrow just falls out of the bow.


Travis: And I run over and pick it up, and I’m like, “I did it!”

Griffin: “I did it!” This is like the scene in J-James Bond movies, where he gets the tools and is immediately like, “Oh, I wanna shoot this at the thing!”

Justin: In the interim, I have figured it out, and I have just turned the crank.

Griffin: Okay, you’ve turned the crank. Roll a d20 for me.

Justin: … 16.

Griffin: 16, okay, uh, uh, a small, ovular - more- more like a cylinder pops out of the uh, prize chamber, uh, and you take it and pop it open, and inside is -

Taako: Uh-oh, tampon! [Laughing] Why is it every time I put a quarter in a machine a tampon comes out?

Griffin: It’s not a tampon, I promise. It is-

Taako: I told you I didn’t want to turn it.

Griffin: It is a small -

Taako: This is punishment. I’m being punished.

Clint: It’s a time-pon.

Taako: Time-pon?

Griffin: Time-pon, the time traveling tampon!


Griffin: It is a small folding fan, like a, uh, a handheld folding fan. Uh, and on it is a- a - it is blue, and there’s a lovely tableau of some clouds on it. And you hand it to Leon who flips through his book, uh, opens it up to an entry and says:

Leon: This...oh, this is a fun item. This is the Gustmaster 5000. [Clint laughs] Uh, and this fan is capable of once per day producing, uh, an incredibly powerful gust of wind that you can use to, say, knock back a foe, or, uh, put out a flame, or, uh, send some dishes flying, or, uh, anything you could do with a stiff breeze. Uh, this- this fan will allow you to produce that breeze, once per day.

Griffin: Which uh, in layman’s terms mean you uh, cast the spell Gust of Wind using this fan once per day.

Taako: Oh.
Merle: It’ll come in handy when your soup’s too hot.
Taako: Yeah, thrilling. You know, uh, between the - between this fan and this fancy sunbrella, I’m one seventeen inch waist away from Scarlett O’Hara.

[Clint and Travis lose it]

Taako: A real - a real plantation lady over here.

Griffin: Uh, Leon says, uh:

Leon: Actually let me see your sunbrella there, um, it looks like there’s something different, uh, than- than the last time. This is a- this- this item is very interesting.
Taako: Yeah it ate somebody else.
Leon: Your staff ate somebody?
Taako: Well it eats their magic, I think?
Magnus: Yeah it eats their - eats their wand?
Leon: Oh that’s right. So - so the Umbra Staffs are capable - staves, I should say, is the plural- plural, uh, it is, uh - they’re capable of devouring the power of the magical objects used by any wizard that you defeat in combat. Let me see it.

Griffin: Uh, and he takes the umbrella and looks at the handle and says:

Leon: Did you notice this sigil of an umbrella appear on, uh, on your umbrella’s handle after, uh, after you consumed -
Taako: I did, yeah!
Leon: This is interesting. Uh, this- this, uh, Umbra Staff is now capable of, uh, at any time, uh, casting Slow Fall on yourself and your adventuring party, um, whenever you need it. Uh.
Taako: Ooooh.

Griffin: So the spell’s actually called Featherfall. Uh. It is essentially the spell that Killian had in her-her-her magic feather duster thing, uh, and you can choose up to five falling creatures within range, uh, and their rate of descent slows to, uh, 60 feet per round until the spell ends. That doesn’t mean anything. The people just slow down while they’re falling.

Justin: Got it.

Griffin: And you, uh, can channel that through your, uh, umbrella once a day, and it doesn’t consume a spell slot or- or anything like that, so.

Leon: Well thanks for stopping by. It’s always, uh, good to see you three.
Magnus: Can...can we - can we have some some more stuff?
Leon: No. No no no no.
Magnus: But I really like this stuff!
Leon: Yeah, go get some, uh, go get some tokens. Go, uh - if you get an A+ on your report card maybe you’ll, uh, get some for free.
Magnus: Okay.

Griffin: That’s a Chuck E. Cheese joke. Y’all want to hit up the Fantasy Costco?

Magnus: It’s also Pizza Hut.

Griffin: Did they do that too?

Magnus: Well, it was Accelerated Reader -

Travis: Wait, why am I doing in Magnus voice? It was Accelerated Reader that I’m thinking of.

Griffin: [Singing] Fantasy Costco, where all your dreams come true!

Justin: [Singing] Got a deal for you!

Griffin: [Singing] Got a deal for you!

Griffin: Uh, you - that’s the jingle that plays as you - there’s like a motion sensor. In the Fantasy Costco and it just blasts that every time anybody walks in store. You imagine this is a terrible place to work.

Clint: Oh yeah.

Griffin: Cause that - that tune is just gonna get stuck right in your dome. Uh, yeah. You guys should have the email with the Fantasy Costco inventory.

Travis: Yes. How many monies do we have?

Griffin: Uh, so you got 2100 gold pieces for completing your last mission. Yeah, so each of you would have, if you split it up evenly which I’m assuming you did -

Travis: 900 dollars.

Griffin: Oh, no no. Uh, 700, but then also Taako, you’ve got some stuff to hawk, right?

Justin: Yeah, I’ve got a lot of valuables. I don’t know exactly what, you’re gonna have to tell me.

Griffin: Uh, you had - let’s see - you had a tiara. Um, and, the, uh, you - you take this to the customer service desk and maybe you say like “I’m returning this stuff, I don’t have -”

Taako: I bought these!

Griffin: Uh so for- for the tiara, you get, uh, not much. About 20 - 20 gold.

Taako: What?!

Griffin: Yeah. It was fake. It was fake gold. Um. Also the -

Taako: Why was it in the safe?

Griffin: Uh, they didn’t - maybe they didn’t know it was fake.

Taako: Oh.

Griffin: They’re not especially interested in the other items. They are interested in the uh, uh, the silverware set. And the appraiser is going over uh, the silverware set and looking over it saying like:

Appraiser: This could be worth thousands. The could be worth - this could be worth tens of thousands! This is very rare - oh, wait, one second. It seems like a fork is missing from this set. Oh dear.


Taako: Yeah, I gave it to some idiot.
Appraiser: Oh dear.
Taako: Some idiot baby.
Appraiser: Oh dear, that is so unfortunate. A full set of this extremely rare silverware - true silverware, is what it is, that - we could have exchanged that for twenty, maybe thirty thousand gold pieces. Unfortunately, because a piece is missing, I can give you...uh, 280?
Taako: Alright.

Travis: Griffin does he say anything about the patina?

Appraiser: The patina’s quite nice. Quite-- A lovely pa-tina.

Griffin: He doesn’t - he doesn’t know the word, and he’s just trying to sound impressive.

Appraiser: Uh, so 300 all together?
Taako: Yeah, fine.

Clint: That’s 100 each!

Appraiser: And you want that in store credit or cash?
Taako: Uh, just give it to me in cash and please hurry, my friends are nearby.
Appraiser: In cash it’ll only be 15.
Taako: Okay, store credit. Store -
Merle: [From afar] Taakoooo!
Taako: Yeah I’ll be there in a second.

Griffin: You get a - you get a voucher for 300 Costco bucks.

Taako: Good.
Merle: [From afar] Taako c’mon, they got free cheese!
Taako: Okay, I’ll get some cheese, just hold on.

Justin: Alright, I stuff it in my pocket and I go cheese.

Griffin: Okay, so [crosstalk] 24-- 2400 all together, although if you wanted to split it up in the canon of the story, everyone has 700 gold pieces, and Taako has a secret extra 300 in Fantasy Costco bucks.

Taako: Excellenté!

Justin: Now, I thought I bought the Unlimited Pasta Pass.

Griffin: Did you? I couldn’t remember.

Justin: It has - this is the pasta pass that has no - from Danisthe23rd that has no practical value for the game unless -

Griffin: Can you read the description again?

Justin: Can be used at any participating Olive Garden for free unlimited pasta for the owner of the pass, and free soft drinks for their guests. It is just -

Griffin: I don’t remember if I - I don’t remember if I said this last time you guys went shopping, but the original description said that it was only good for 6 weeks. That seemed like it was hemming you in to like, haul ass, to an OG.

Justin: To whatever - Fantasy OG.

Griffin: So we got some old stuff, some new stuff, some stuff I came up with, some stuff that uh, other people sent in. Uh, if you wanna submit an item for Fantasy Costco the next time our boys go shopping, uh, it’s and you can send in an item. Uh, but yeah.

Justin: Do you want to read the ones that people sent in? You don’t have to read yours.

Griffin: Yeah, sure. There’s uh, a Haunted Doll. Um. Some people have sent in variations of the- the haunted doll, but this one will basically take the third death save that you roll - you have to roll death saves when you go down, and if you roll three you die, this one will take that third death- death save instead, and die in place of you.

Uh, there’s the Ring of Pointing, that Daniel Keefer sent in, this is basically a laser pointer. Uh, there’s the Tankard of Potent Drink from Troy Hoffmockle. This makes beverages more alcoholic, uh, or if you drink water from it it immediately sobers you up. Uh. There’s, uh, some healing potions, there’s the - this is a new item from Bodhe Brookwhite - Bodhe? From Bodhe Brookwhite - uh, they are the Glasses of Lightning Comprehension, which allow you to read and comprehend text of any language that you know 10 times as fast. So speed reading glasses.

Uh, and then there’s the Lens of Straight Creepin’, from Dylan Duarte, that, uh, allow you to find footprints, tracks or markings of any person or thing that traveled through the area recently once per day. Uh, and then there’s some other items in here that I came up with like the Alchemist’s Ring that gives you extra healing when you drink a healing potion. Uh, there’s the Ring of Recall which allows you to regain a spell slot for a failed uh, uh, spellcasting. There’s the uh, mystery bag, that one’s exciting - 300 gold pieces, you don’t know what’s gonna be in it.

Travis: I’m really eyeballing that mystery bag.

Griffin: There’s the Pocket Spa, for 900 gold pieces, which pops out and whenever you take a short rest you can chill out in this little spa tent and regain extra hit points when you recover. Uh, yeah there’s a lot of good stuff on offer.

Travis: Griffy will you be straight with me?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Is that 300 dollar mystery bag worth it?

Griffin: Do you - what’s the point of it being a mystery bag if I’m gonna ruin - if it wasn’t a -

Travis: [through gritted teeth] I just need to know if it’s worth it!

Griffin: If I ruin the m- if I-- if I ruin the mystery, Travis, then it’s just a bag.

Justin: Let me ask you this, Griffin. When you - when he finds the mystery bag on the shelves, what does he see?

Griffin: Uh, it is a -

Travis: Yes. Paint us a word picture.

Griffin: It is a patchwork, uh, leather bag. Small. Uh, and uh it’s-it’s about the size of uh, a fantasy softball. And there is some sort of spherical object inside.

Travis: Does it literally or figuratively call to me? Am I looking at it and thinking “Finally, I am complete?”

Griffin: No, you know what? You know what Trav, it- it does. It calls out to you, Magnus, it call- you feel it calling. You don’t know -

Clint: Well if he doesn’t buy it, if he doesn’t buy it I will.

Griffin: Maybe it’s just your curiosity. Maybe it’s something deeper and more spiritual.

Justin: Are you both looking at it?

Clint: I’m thinking about it, seriously.

Travis: Is this some kind of like cursed bag that drives people insane?

Justin: And Travis you’re looking at it? Magnus, you’re looking at it?

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: Okay while they’re looking at it I buy the Pocket Spa and dip.

Griffin: Alright so you’re buying the Pocket Spa.

Taako: I’m buying the Pocket SPAAA!

Clint: Do we not have any gold from last time?

Justin: I dunno that’s your - you gotta monitor that yourself.

Griffin: Yeah, I cannot keep track of that shit for you.

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: So that’s- that’s 900. So I guess you’re spending 200 of your voucher and uh, uh, your other 700 gold.

Merle: Wait a minute, how did he spend another 200?

Justin: No - I - what do you mean? No I specifically waited until you guys were looking at the bag, that’s when I checked out. You have no idea.

Clint: Ooooh. “Guys, wait ‘til you see this spa I bought for 700.”

Taako: The guy gave me a great deal.

Griffin: Yeah you got a great deal.

Garfield: From me, Garfield the Deals Warlock!

Travis: [Gasps] You made it!

Garfield: I made it into your game!

Travis: It’s our first cross-universe character!

Garfield: I’m a new hire here at the Fantasy Costco. The benefits are terrible!

Justin: Dad, we have--I should mention to Dad - we do a comedy advice show called My Brother, My Brother, and Me and on that show, uh, ther-- we have a new character that Griffin invented named Garfield the Deals Warlock that appears whenever deals are made.

Clint: Oh, that’s cool.

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: Is it doing well for you? The- the- the show?

Travis: We’ve seen some solid response.

Justin: Not really. There’s been some up and down.

Clint: Good. Okay.

Magnus: Alright, I’m eyeballing the mystery bag and the Lens of Straight Creepin’, but I also want that um -uh, the Tankard of Potent Drink.
Garfield: Oh sure, why don’t you just take everything in the store without paying for any of it?
Magnus: I’ll give you 700 for those three items in total.

Justin: I think you should have to roll to haggle, right?

Garfield: Yes - yes prepare to contest me, Garfield the Deals Warlock, in a test of mercantile wits!

Travis: What is that?

Garfield: Have at thee!

Travis: What does it fall under?

Griffin: Uh, charisma I guess?

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Garfield the Deals Warlock has plus 50 charisma.

Justin: I can attest that he does not.

Travis: Oh, I rolled a 14 plus 1. I rolled fifteen.

Justin: As someone who has personally interacted with Garfield the Deals Warlock twice, I can personally attest that he does not have plus 50 charisma.

Griffin: Uh, no he only has plus 2 Charisma, and uh, he rolled a 6, so 8.

Travis: I rolled a 14 plus 1.

Garfield: Okay, f-- fine.
Magnus: What’s in the mystery bag!?
Garfield: Don’t tell my boss though. Don’t tell - I know I’m called the Deals Warlock, but -
Taako: “I’m kind of an entry-level sales associate”
Merle: Everybody answers to somebody.
Garfield: But we have a very strict bottom line.

Justin: It really disappointed me that the Deals Warlock has to consider petty Earth concerns like margin. That’s very disappointing for me.

Travis: [As Garfield] “Gotta keep the lights on”

Griffin: Um, uh, okay. Merle, what do you wanna pick up?

Travis: What’s in the mystery bag!

Griffin: Oh right. Uh, you crack open the mystery bag, and inside is a glass sphere, almost like a, you would find in a, uh, like a snow globe? And it is filled with water. And floating in that water is a goldfish.

Travis: [Gasps]

Clint: Aw, finally.

Griffin: Uh, and that’s it.

[long pause]

Travis: It - what does

Griffin: It’s a - it’s a goldfish! You have a pet! Get off my - get off my back! [Travis laughs] This could not have worked out any better for you.

Travis: [Quietly] Okay. It’s a-

Griffin: Maybe it’s - maybe it’s a -

Travis: I’m going to name the goldfish Steven.

Griffin: Steven? Okay. Steven the goldfish. Travis, I thought you would be psyched about this.

Travis: I’m pretty psyched Griffin, but it is very much like the feeling when a kid is begging for a dog, and the parents like bring home a goldfish.

Griffin: Well if you show that you’re -

Clint: I will give you 400 gold pieces for the fish.

Griffin: Oh my god.

Travis: No! It’s my fish.

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: Okay so you’ve got - you got Steven, you got a Tankard of - of Potent Drink -

Travis: Steven Q. Fletcher, Esquire, the Goldfish. Is the full title. Lord Steven Q. Fletcher, Esquire, the Goldfish, the Third.

Griffin: And you got your Lens of Straight Creepin’. Ok. And make sure you write this shit down, please.

Travis: I’m writing it down right now.

Griffin: Okay, uh, and Merle?

Clint: Only one mystery bag?

Griffin: Yeah that was the only mystery bag.

Clint: Wow.

Griffin: Sorry man, this is like Survivor auction rules, baby.

Clint: Well, I tell you what, I’m-- I w - if you’re still in a haggling mood, I’ll give you all 700 for the Ring of Recall, ‘cause anytime I can ret- retrieve a used spell slot…

Griffin: Uh yeah, so the, it’s not - it’s not any spell, it’s if you cast a spell and it fails you -

Clint: Right, I don’t lose the spell slot. I understand.

Griffin: Okay, um.

Taako: It’s a good ring, I wish I’d seen that one. Well, I got my spa.
Magnus: At such a deal on that spa.
Taako: What a bargain, right? Can’t get over it. I’m out here in the spa, by the way. And you guys are going shopping.
Magnus: Oh I can go out to the spa. May I join you in the spa?
Taako: Join me in the spa!
Magnus: Alright.

Griffin: Uh, you’re in the spa. It’s beautiful, there’s a fountain -

Justin: Can I call it the Chillout Tent?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s your Chillout Tent. There’s a fountain, there’s uh -

Travis: I have a little orange juice.

Griffin: There’s a mud bath. It’s - it’s actually bigger on the inside than on the outside, there’s some sort of intradimensional stuff going on. Um, but yeah it’s uh, it’s lovely in there.

Justin: What’s uh - like the thing from uh -

Griffin: There’s Sade playing nonstop. There’s nonstop Sade.

Justin: It’s bigger on the inside like the, the Targis? That um -

Travis: Mm-hm.

Clint: I think it’s “Tarmis”.

Justin: Doctor guy...Tarmis. Tarmis, the Tarmis.

Garfield: Uh, I shall meet you in a test of wits, as well. Wits and wagers! If you so choose, but if you lose, your first child is mine!

Travis: [Laughing] Goodbye Justin.

Merle: Alright.
Garfield: I will have your child!

Griffin: He says. Uh, he rolled a 16, plus 2 is 18.

Merle: Wow.
Garfield: Are you tough enough?

Griffin: He says.

Merle: We’ll see.
Garfield: Wits and wagers!

Griffin: He yells, apropos of nothing.

Clint: So a 20? I rolled a 10.

Garfield: No.

Clint: Plus 1 is 11.

Garfield: I will name him…Craigory. Or her. If only you could somehow come up with an extra 100 gold pieces.
Taako: Here, I have an extra 100 gold you can use.
Magnus: You got the - you got the spa for 600 gold?
Merle: Taako, that’s amazing!
Magnus: That’s incredible, what did you roll?

Griffin: He uh- he looks at Taako and says uh:

Garfield: Yeah he really, uh, he really beat me in a test of wits and wagers.
Taako: Yeah.

Griffin: And winks. Winks at Taako. Over and over. Just winking. Wink wink wink wink wink.

Clint: Like he’s got something in his eye.

Taako: Yeah.
Merle: Okay, what do I with the hundred- the hundred gold?
Garfield: You trade it in for goods and services.

Justin: What are you talking about?

Clint: There’s nothing left!

Justin: You lost your thing.

Griffin: The- the Ring of Recall.

Justin: The Ring of Recall. I’m giving you the hundred you need to buy it.

Clint: Ohhhh.

Justin: Yeah.

Merle: [deep and hoarse] Thanks.
Taako: Yeah no problem.

Travis: You’re welcome, Christian Bale.

Taako: But remember, you owe me. This is a loan.

Travis: This whole time I’m sitting in the spa, singing to Steven.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: We’re starting to bond! There’s definitely a connection being made.

Clint: And Steven’s starting to parboil.

Griffin: As you sing, as you sing to Steven, [laughter] the ball seems to pulsate with magic - no, it’s just a goldfish. [Laughter] Um, okay. So you’ve got the Ring of Recall. Uh, leveling up time, let’s make this brisk. Imma bump you all up to 6. Um, let me get my Player’s Handbook to make sure I do this right. Everybody’s gonna get extra hit points.

Travis: Grif, yeah I’ve already got mine all sorted out, do you want me to just tell you what it is?

Justin: Yeah I did my hit points too, just to streamline.

Griffin: Oh yeah sure.

Travis: Okay, cool. Um, so, I, at Level 5 uh-

Griffin: You get - oh your shit’s about to pop off.

Travis: Yeah! The fighter gets some pretty awesome shit y’all.

Griffin: So you need to get some extra hit points, have you rolled that already?

Travis: Yeah, I’ve got both of those done. I- I’ve got everything done. So at Level 5 the fighter gets the ability to roll an extra attack, so basically I get two attacks per turn, and if I use action surge I can hypothetically attack three times in one turn.

Griffin: Yeah, now it’s important to note that it- it is - you get double your attacks when you take an attack action. So you cannot take an action and then get a bonus attack. It is if you choose to attack, you attack twice.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: You can’t - you can’t like mix and match your- your actions. Um, but yeah.

Travis: Um then at Level 6 I got an ability score improvement so I brought my Wisdom to 10, um, making my modifier 0 instead of -1.

Griffin: Cool, good call.

Travis: Um, cause that was starting to hurt. Uh, I rolled my hit point dice and brought my max hit point total up to 57.

Griffin: Nice.

Travis: Um, and then I also realized that I was not putting the right attack bonuses on everything, so it’s even across the board.

Griffin: Nice. Uh, one other thing: all three of you - uh, the uh, the proficiency bonus that you have that has been plus 2 this whole time is now plus 3.

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: So that’s gonna- that’s going to change a lot of stuff for everybody. Basically if you’re proficient in a skill, and you make a check with that skill, now you get an extra thing to that. Or if you cast a spell, you’re proficient in spellcasting, you get an extra plus 1 to your spellcasting attempts. Your attacks with weapons you’re proficient in, that’s an extra 1 there also. So everybody - thi- this move up to Level 5 and then up to Level 6 is a pretty big one. Um.

Travis: But that’s - that’s for attack bonus, not damage type, right? Like you don't, I don’t get plus one?

Griffin: Exactly. Right. I think that’s it for you.

Travis: I think that’s it for me as well.

Justin: So I rolled my hit points, I’ve got 37 hit points now. Whatever. Uh.


Travis: Why are you so dismissive of that? For a wizard that’s great.

Justin: I’m not, it’s just, like, it’s not that interesting or funny. I’ve got 37 hit points. That’s me.

[Griffin laughs like some kind of anime character]

Justin: Okay.

Travis: So Griffin - Griffin laughed like some kind of anime character.

Justin: My uh...everybody remembers what my, um, what type of magic I do, right?

Griffin: Transmutation?

Justin: Thank you. Okay.

Griffin: [laughing] So you clearly did not.

Justin: At Level 6 I can spend eight hours creating a Transmuter’s Stone. It stores transmutation magic. I can benefit from the stone myself or give it to another creature. This creature gains a benefit of my choice as long as the stone is in the creature’s possession. That includes, uh, Darkvision, out to a range of 60 feet, an increase of speed up to 10 feet, proficiency in constitution saving throws, resistance to acid, cold, fire, lightning or thunder damage and each time -

Griffin: And - and you can change -

Justin: - I cast a transmutation spell of first level or higher I can change the effect of the stone if the stone is on my person.

Griffin: Okay, so cool, you can create a little thing that -

Justin: It’s like a power gem.

Griffin: Right, you can make a little power gem and then, I- I think the damage resistance one would probably be helpful if you’re like in a volcano fighting fire monsters and you can make yourself resistant to fire damage.

Justin: Right. Exactly.

Griffin: Cool. Um, nice. Uh, so by moving up to Level 6 you also - your proficiency bonus is now three also, um, and that’ll affect stuff across the board. And you also now can cast third level spells. Uh, and I assume that  you get some new spells that you need to learn and write down? I'm -

Justin: Yeah, I’ll do that in my private time.

Griffin: Okay, uh cool I think that’s it for you.

Justin: Whoop!

Clint: Okay, and it says at- at level - at- at fifth level I got Destroy Undead.

Griffin: Yeeaah, so that’s dope! I don’t think you’ve, uh, had to use this spell yet, but you have a uh- you can use an ability called Channel Divinity which you can only do a couple times or so per day, um, and you can channel your divinity to do something special, uh, particular to your domain. So I think for like the nature domain you can use it to like influence plants and animals or you can use it to cast this spell called Turn Undead which you cast into a big group of zombies that are shuffling at you, uh, and it makes them run away, it makes them get away from you. Uh, with level 5, now that spell becomes Destroy Undead, uh, where if it affects any weak undead things - so like a- a Puny Skeleton or a- a Weak Zombie or something, uh, they are instantly destroyed. They are instantly killed.

Clint: So that is, that is in my spell list, or is that -

Griffin: No, that is - that is totally separate from - from your spells. You don’t burn a spell slot or anything, uh, channeling divinity, it’s just something you can do. Um. It’s- it’s - it’s situational but if you’re ever in a situation where you guys are being surrounded by zombies, you cast this spell and whatever it hits basically it’s gonna insta-kill.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Oh, okay so - starting at Level 6 you can Channel Divinity twice per day. Uh, and you get a new feature based on your domain, which is the nature domain - you’re a big Pan fan.

Clint: Right.

Griffin: Uh, so, starting at sixth level uh, this is a - this is a feature called Dampen Elements. Starting at sixth level, whenever you or a creature within 30 feet of you takes acid, cold, fire, lightning or thunder damage, you can use your reaction to grant resistance to the creature against that instance of the damage. So, you guys are fighting some sort of lightning wizard guy, and he hits Magnus with lightning magic, uh, you can as a reaction - which is, uh, something you basically do between turns - you can halve that damage. Uh, or if somebody gets hit with fire damage you can halve that damage.

Clint: “Halve” as in cut in half. Not take it on myself.

Griffin: Right, you- you cut the damage in half that anybody takes like that.

Clint: Alright, and what’s that called?

Griffin: It’s called “Dampen Elements.” So just remember, any time anybody takes any kind of elemental damage, you can cut it in half, which is pretty helpful for a cleric.

Clint: Do the hit points change?

Griffin: Yeah, so roll a - roll a D8.

Travis: Do you get any kind of modifier to it?

Griffin: Yeah, plus your constitution modifier. Did you not do that Juice?

Justin: Uh, no.

Griffin: So add - add your constitution modifier twice to your total HP.

Clint: Okay, so I rolled a seven.

Griffin: Okay, plus your constitution modifier.

Clint: Two.

Griffin: Is-- Two. So that’s nine. And then do it again.

Clint: Okay. I rolled a five, and a seven.

Griffin: So 16 total gets added to your total.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: I might edit out those rolls. You just got 16 more total hit points.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, you also, last thing, you uh, learn two more nature spells, at level five. Uh, which is Plant Growth and Wind Wall. I don’t know what those do, but I’m sure you’ll find a use for them.

Clint: ‘kay.

Griffin: I think that’s it.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: So nothing - nothing but hit points goes up? Right?

Griffin: Uh, so, right. Travis is the only one who got, at level six, got some extra ability points. I think you guys get some at level 8.

Clint: Alright.

Travis: But your proficiency bonus went up too.

Griffin: Your proficiency bonus went up.

Travis: Right.

Clint: Right.

Griffin: I’ll - I’ll- I’ll- I’ll crunch the numbers for you guys.

Clint: Thanks.

Griffin: Um, yeah. Should be pretty easy. Man I wish there was a, uh, D&D insider app. Do you think any Wizards of the Coast people listen to our podcast that can do that shit for us, please?

Clint: Uh, all of ‘em?

Griffin: Even the Magic the Gathering people?

Travis: Yep.

Griffin: Have you guys listened to our - our Magic the Gathering podcast? It is...not very good.

Travis: McEl-Magic?

Griffin: McEl-Magic is what it is called, yes Travis.

Justin: We do not even have a rudimentary grasp of the rules.

Griffin: No.

Clint: No.

Travis: No. And Griffin keeps shuffling Pokémon cards into his deck.

Griffin: I tap two swamp energy, and then it’s Charizard.

Travis: [Laughs]

Griffin: And the Charizard’s fighting a Blue Eyes White Dragon. That was a Yu-Gi-Oh reference. Bye everybody, see you next week. In two weeks.

Clint: Here on Dork Patrol.

Griffin: Thanks for listening to Dork Patrol, see you in two weeks!


Justin: [Singing]

The end of Dork Patrol
We’re taking our Doritos and going home
We drunk up all your Mountain Dew
Now we’re headed down the road
It’s the end of
Dork Patrol

Griffin: Just hateful, just hateful. A hateful song.

[Outro theme plays; end of episode.]

Cookies help us deliver our services. By using our services, you agree to our use of cookies.