Balance – Episode 16: Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Seven/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:

Griffin: He, he takes this rod, he points it at the door frame and it opens up to...a...greenhouse. It’s, it’s the most gorgeous collection of plants that any of you have ever seen.

Jenkins: Remember, don’t leave anything behind, and you cannot take anything with you.
Magnus: Except memories.
Taako: Jenkins killed the engineer...switched clothes with him…
Merle: And then burned up the body to prevent further investigation.
Taako: [crosstalk] Burned the body to prevent further investigation.

Griffin: Jenkins is holding a shitty metallic compass in his hand and sort of poring over all of the items on the ground.

Jenkins: This meat monster, if he is destroyed, like the other one you just killed, then the hand will be lost and we will have no way of getting back into the engine car to slow down the train before it arrives in Neverwinter.

Travis: Magnus turns to Taako and says:

Magnus: Hey, do you think you could figure out that port wand thing?
Taako: Absolutely (not). Probably.
Magnus: Okay cool.
Taako: Probably.

Griffin: The meat monster trudges over to Jenkins and throws him off the, out of the open caboose door.

Jenkins: Smell ya laterrrrrrrrr...!
Announcer: If our heroes can’t stop this runaway train then I’m gonna have to find a new podcast to introduce. Is Serial hiring? It’s the Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[1:54]

Griffin: Jess and Angus and Graham all barge into the cargo car where you have just destroyed these meat monsters and one of the meat monsters just destroyed Jenkins and Jess yells:

Jess: Let’s get busy!

Griffin: And her axe appears in her hand.

Justin: So she just appeared in the car?

Griffin: Yeah, they all came into the car.

Taako: And that’s the-- my entire plan for how we stop the train.

[Clint laughter]

Taako: They missed it. I guess they missed it, but it’s really good.
Angus: Can you uh, can you start over from the beginning?

Griffin: Angus says.

[Taako groan of reluctance]

Taako: Hatchi-matchi.

Clint: Well why don’t you tell us your plan and how it competes with his.

Taako: [cross talk] We’ll compare. Contrast and compare. They’re bored, they don’t wanna hear my plan again.

Griffin: Uh, Angus leans over to you Taako and says,

Angus: [whispering] I think we should probably find that item you guys were looking for first. Before anybody else can get their hands on it.
Magnus: Okay.
Angus: That was just, not for you. That was Taako, that was in Taako’s ear.
Taako: [cross talk] Ok.
Angus: But I guess I’ll whi-- I’ll whisper to you too. We should find the item…

Justin: I bend down and pick up the compass that he was using.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Um, and I will cast an Arcane Knowledge check to see how much I know about the.. the thing.

Griffin: Okay.

[dice rolls]

Justin: Five. Fourteen.

Griffin: Okay. Using your uh, uh, Arcane Knowledge you uh, pick up that this is not telling you sort of which direction you’re facing. It’s not a, uh, it is not a traditional compass. Uh, as you sort of move around with it around the room though, the needle is moving. And it, it almost appears to be like a sort of uh, a dowsing rod. If you will.

Justin: Right. Is there any arc-- do I get anything from the Arcane Knowledge check that I couldn’t have put together with context clues?

[Travis Laughter]

Justin: By my own damn self?

Griffin: Uh, no, you- you- you- you don’t. And Angus says uh:

Angus: What is that? What have you got there?
Taako: I think it’s a c-compass but not pointing motion. I thought I’d know more about it, but I don’t. And I.. it’s trying.. [crosstalk]
Angus: What is it pointing...

Travis: And on the back it’s carved in “Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Angus: What is it pointing towards?
Taako: It’s a dowsing thing.
Angus: A dowsing rod. Interesting. What if, what if the killer was...the- the killer’s victims were all extremely wealthy. What if that dowsing rod was able to point at like the most valuable thing? It- it would explain how we could find your object that nobody knew about. Because if it’s as powerful as you say I imagine it’s incredibly valuable.
Taako: Well that’s a good point.

Clint: [higher pitched voice] Why don’t we examine the stuff in the…[normal voice] I almost did Taako! Why don’t we examine the stuff in the crypt safe?

Travis and Justin: Yeah like, what do we see?

Griffin: Uh, you see everybody’s weapons that have been pulled out and placed on the floor. Uh, Merle you can collect your warhammer if you want.

Clint: Thanks.

Griffin: Uh, and your shield if you want it.

Travis: Yaaay!

Justin: Say that you’re doing it.

Griffin: Uh, I can just assume that you have re-equipped yourself with all of the objects, uh, in the room. [Travis: Okay.] Uh, and then there’s some, uh, other sort of uh, valuables laying around. There’s a set of silverware, uh uh, a fine silverware that has been splayed open and, some of the uh, forks and- and knives are sort of laying all around the room. Uh, there is a briefcase that is, uh, locked up, uh, laying on the floor. There’s just sort of a bunch of valuable debris laying all around. There’s a...it’s a pretty big pile. It is all the valuable cargo that everybody in the car was bringing, uh, bringing with them. And you have this compass that seems to be sort of reacting to something in the room.

Clint: Could we not walk around the room? And be able to use that to triangulate ‘cause if it keeps pointing to that most valuable item, and we walk around the room eventually won’t it lead us right to the item?

Taako: Yeah, that sounds like good thinking!

Justin: And I toss him the compass.

Griffin: Okay. You toss Merle the compass and uh-

Travis: Meanwhile I’m keeping an eye on Jess and Ang..and uh, Graham and just kinda doing like a “nothing to see here folks, nothing to see. Uh, move it on back, move it on back”.

Clint: Keep movin’.

Travis: Nothing to see here.

Griffin: Okay, uh, yeah, Merle, the uh, the compass seems to be pointing you at something, uh, on the left side of the uh, of the cargo car. Uh, there’s a few items scattered around there. And as you move around it seems to be pointing to a certain location, uh, and as you look down at basically where the compass zeroes out, uh, it’s sort of spinning, uh, you are standing directly over a small monocle with a uh, a silvery trim around it and a uh, uh, uh, long, silver chain.

Clint: ‘Cause we do not know exactly what it is we were sent to recover.

Travis: Correct.

Taako: Also be cautious…

Justin: I no- I notice him doing it.

Taako: Be careful because you remember the thrall that the... the previous item cast. I, I-
Merle: And the big ass fire!
Taako: Yeah.
Merle: Yeah.
Taako: This conversation probably sounds crazy to the people in the train...
Merle: Probably.
Taako: And don’t forget about the [static].
Jess: [yelling] What is going on over there?

Clint: We are rewarding faithful listeners!

Magnus: Nothing to see here folks, nothing to see. Move it along now, move it along.

Griffin: So yeah you- you- you firmly believe that this monocle is the, uh, at the very least the most valuable item in the room.

Travis: Is it powerful?

Taako: I guess I should be the one to try to pick it up, right? ‘Cause I resisted the thrall before.

Travis: Yeah, sure. Sounds... solid.

Clint: Are our bracers of no use? In this instant?

Taako: Yeah, can’t we like scan it or shoot a laser out of them, or somethin’?

Griffin: Ther-- I don’t know how to tell you guys this.

Travis: Did we bring any kind of like, centrifuge?

Griffin: These- these- these bracers are not fucking tricorders. You’re not gonna set these motherfuckers to stun. They have one thing that they do.

[laughter]

Travis: Remind me what that one thing is. Just-

Griffin: It summons the transport.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: If you do that now, you’re just gonna waste a glass ball. It’s gonna crash into a mountain. Because you’re in a mountain.

Travis: Okay. So when I- when I poked it earlier, I wasted a glass ball.

Griffin: No, you- you didn’t get any signal.

Travis: Okay. Well, you know you gotta check. You gotta check your carrier at that point.

[Clint laughter]

Clint: No bars.

Griffin: Yeah, no- no bars.

Justin: Okay, I uh, I ge-- start reaching my hand towards it, but not touching. But start reaching my hand towards it to see if I’m getting any vibes.

Griffin: Okay, uh, as you begin to reach your hand towards it you, you get a vibe. The uh, the monocle starts to sort of shake and rattle, uh, on the floor and you hear a voice in your mind saying uh, “Heyyy...Heyyy buddy. Heyyyyy buddy.”

Travis: [sleazy voice] You wanna see some DVD movies?

Voice: Buddy. Hey buddy. Put me on.

Travis: I got all the latest releases.

Voice: I’ve got all the...I’ve got- I’ve got Jack and Jill 2 starring Adam Sandler.

Justin: Okay.

Voice: It’s too hot for TV. Hey buddy, put me on I can make...anything, anything you can imagine turn real. Hey buddy, c’mon.

Justin: Okay, I pick up the monocle...

Voice: Oh yeah buddy, put me on. Put me on.

Justin: With- with the handle of my umbrella.

[Clint laughter]

Griffin: Okay. You scoop it up with the handle of your umbrella. Uh, you’re still gonna make a will saving throw but that’s such a good idea I’ll give you advantage on it. Um, so make a wisdom saving throw.

[dice rolls]

Griffin: And you’re gonna contest this thing’s, uh, wisdom.

Justin: Natural 2- natural 20.

Clint: Natural 20.

[dice rolls]

Griffin: That’s a 3… Yeah you..

[Laughter]

Griffin: You beat the shit out of the thrall. Okay. You have resisted the thrall of this monocle and you hear him go:

Voice: Aw, come on. Aw, come on, buddy. Aw.

Justin: Come on.

Voice: Buddy come on, come on buddy. Buddy, I can- anything in the world. Anything. Anything, what do you want? Wh-- Just imagine it and I can make it real, buddy.
Taako: Joke’s on you. I can’t think very good.

[laughter]

Clint: He has no imagination.

Taako: No imagination to tempt, my friend.

Griffin: Uh, okay. You- you have beaten the thrall of this thing. What are you gonna do with it?

Justin: Um, I’m gonna throw it into my backpack. My satchel.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [laughter] Maybe wrap it up in something first.

Griffin: No, toss it in loose into your...Toss this incredibly valuable, powerful item into your fucking Jansport.

[laughter]

Griffin: Put it in- put it in the headphones chamber!

Justin: No I can’t, I can’t, um...I don’t wanna touch it so like...

Griffin: Yeah that makes sense. Uh, okay so you lower the uh, the uh, thing into, the- the monocle into your bag and sort of un-scoop it from your uh, umbrella handle and close it up. And you have contained, uh, another Relic.

Travis: Kudos all around.

Griffin: Um, something weird-- something weird happens. You’re-- As you were holding your umbrella. Uh, it also seems to, like, almost like a dowsing rod, point towards the back of the chamber, uh, right near the caboose door. And there you see uh, the uh, Jenkins’ wand. Not the uh, the port rod, but the-- his-- his wand he used for his magics. Uh, and the umbrella starts to almost like pull you--

Justin: Oh yeah.

Griffin: --pull you towards it…

Justin: I-I-I-I-I eat the wand with my uh, the Umbra Staff.

Griffin: Yeah, the Umbra Staff, uh, deploys, it opens up like uh, an umbrella and then it sort of turns inside out like uh, an umbrella in the rain, in the- in the wind. Uh, and uh, the wand, uh, flies into the mouth, basically- of your umbrella, which uh, rattles and and uh, then sort of opens and closes like it’s chewing it up and then uh, when it closes again, uh, the- the wand is gone uh, and uh, you look down and your umbrella actually has a uh, a marking on the handle- like a sigil, uh, that is actually in the shape of an umbrella, uh, on it. So your Umbra Staff just ate the wand of this wizard that you have bested.

Justin: Great.

Travis: And what happens to my Railsplitter, Griffin? Something magical like that?

Griffin: Your Railsplitter [pause] disintegrates.

Travis: [laughter] Oh no!

Taako: No, it turned to ash.

Griffin: Uh, Angus says:

Angus: I’m- I’m really glad that, uh, everything’s working out for you. A- a wand got eaten by another staff, it was really cool and you- you did a thing with a, uh, monocle and all that’s great.

Travis: We solved this one guys.

Clint: But we’re still hurtling towards our death.

Angus: But- but Graham, what are we uh, what are we lookin’ at now?

Griffin: And Graham says, uh… Graham looks at his pocketwatch and he says:

Graham: We’ve got about uh… we’ve got about uh… --nope, that’s--we’ve got about uh, seven minutes before we arrive at Neverwinter and if we don’t start slowing down now it’s gonna be real bad.

Justin: No, he had more of, like, a hippie--

Griffin: Yeah, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right, hold on.

Graham: Uh... We’ve got about seven minutes before we arrive in Neverwinter. If we don’t slow down now, it’s gonna be really bad.

Clint: That’s better. And I think you have better motivation there too, that was good.

Justin: Yeah, I felt the energy from that.

Travis: Yeah, that was good. Let’s do one more, just in case, just to cover--

Griffin: I can’t, I have no voice, please, let’s just keep playing the game.

Clint: [laughter]

Justin: Um,

Taako: Okay so--

Clint: We gotta find the-- yeah.

Taako: Give--

Justin: I pick up the port wand.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I, let’s do, let’s do an arcane check on-- well. I feel like I’ve already done an arcane check on the wand. Like I know everything I’m gonna know about the wand, I’m not gonna learn anything else from an arcane check, right?

Griffin: Yeah! Certainly, certainly not in the next seven minutes.

Justin: Okay. I--

Travis: Is there a button on it?

Justin: I focus on...the, the engineer’s uh, room.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And point it--well hold on.

Taako: Everybody out!

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I, as- as people are leaving I kinda hang back and I’m like,

Taako: Okay, now everybody face the forward of the train and really focus on the engineer, what the engine-- like what the engineer’s room looks like.

Griffin: Are you using everybody else’s...imagination?

Taako: Yeah I need everybody to go into the, the adjacent car, and just, turn towards the engineer’s car and really focus on it. Okay?

Clint: And then clap if you believe in fairies.

Justin: Alright, has everybody, has everybody, has everybody done that?

Griffin: Yep! Everybody-- everybody moves in there. Are, so, you’ve moved everybody into the dining car. You’re still in the cargo car?

Taako: Right, and then everybody face towards the front of the train and really focus on it, okay?

Travis: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

[focusing sounds, humming]

Justin: Now, while they’re doing that I scoop the remaining valuables into my bag.

[Griffin whooping laughter and Clint cackling]

Griffin: Okay, you pick up a, uh, golden tiara, you pick up the silverware set, you pick up the briefcase.

Justin: [crosstalk] Nice! Nice! Nice!

Griffin: Okay, and--

Taako: Okay, keep focusing! You’re doin’ great.

[Laughter]

Justin: I-I-I leave and I go into the adjacent car with them. I, uh, focus on the engineer’s room and I… cast the- the transportational magic on the- on the door to the uh the-the cargo caboose.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Back to the cargo car? Yeah. Okay. Uh, you [stammers] you’re gonna have to make a- some sort of check.

Justin: Yeah, right.

Clint: I didn’t think you’d be able to pull that one off.

Justin: Didn’t think so. Considering I don’t even know the word for what I’m doing-

Clint: [crosstalk] Expelliarmus!

Travis: “And I do it.”

Justin: Do a magic. I just did a magic there.

Travis: And let me check my sheet here. Yeah, it says I have a plus five “just doing it”.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, let’s- let’s just do a spellcasting, uh, modifier check, uh, you’re- you’re not- you’re not casting a spell, you are sort of channeling the spell that is imbued in this rod, which explains how you’re like capable of doing it, uhm, but- but yeah, why don’t you go ahead and uh, uh, roll just a basic intellect check.

Justin: Oh an intellect, okay. Two. Okay, my first try fizzles.

Griffin: Yeah. No, it- it doesn’t fizzle, actually. You see a uh, a figure start to take shape, uh, through the cargo car door. And you can see into the engineer’s car, but it kind of looks like a cartoon. Like, everything is like really squiggly, and uh--

Clint: Oh, like the Ah-Ha video!

Justin: Yeah like the Ah-Ha video.

Griffin: Yeah, you have basically created the Ah-Ha video but it’s in the engineer’s car.

Clint: [Singing] Take….on….me!

[15:54]

Justin: Okay, I try- I try again.

Griffin: Okay.

Taako: Let me take another pass at this, this time for sure.

Griffin: Okay, uh, but af-- before you cast your second spell, through the windows of the dining car light starts to pour in, uh, as you have moved out of another mountain and uh, Graham says, uh:

Graham: We’re in the final- we’re in the final stretch, we’ve got about four minutes before we hit Neverwinter, you gotta do something quick.

Justin: Okay, I got a 19.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, this time you do it and the rod, uh, uh, uh, uh-- a silvery, uh, web of light shoots out and fills the door and you can see with perfect clarity the engineers’ car. Uh, it’s- it’s kind of disorienting because you’re facing backwards but through the front windshield of the train you see the train moving forwards, uh, and yeah, you can see into the engineer's car.

Travis: Okay, let’s go in there. We go in there.

Justin: We all go in there.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: We’re in there.

Taako: Does anybody- listen, does anybody know how to stop a train?
Magnus: I have vehicle proficiency.

Griffin: Graham says uh--

Taako: Of course you do.

Griffin: Graham-- Graham says, uh:

Graham: I’ve been training my entire life for this, so I could... give it a shot.
Magnus: Wait, you’ve been training your entire life for this?
Graham: To be a train engineer, yeah absolutely.
Taako: Yeah, remember, in his backstory.
Magnus: Oh yeah.
Merle: Yeah.
Taako: Yeaaah. So you’ve done this in like video games before?
Graham: Yeah, basically. Well, dream vision fantasies.

[Laughter]

Clint: Still don’t want to acknowledge video games exist, okay.

Taako: Okay, go ahead.
Graham: No, tell me about these Video James. [Laughter] We’re gonna collide with Neverwinter in about three minutes, but tell me about Video James.

Clint: Should we-

Travis: Ha, Video James.

Clint: You know Video James!

Justin: Cool dude. Ladies love cool Video James.

Griffin: Uh, he says, uh, he says, uh

Graham: Everybody hold on tight.

Griffin: And he grabs uh, uh, the brake lever of the train.

Travis: I pop the pill - I pop the bean in my mouth.

Griffin: You pop the bean in your mouth. Uh, i-- that thing’s gonna run out of magic pretty soon. You don’t have an infinite heavy bean.

Travis: Infinite bean!

Griffin: Infinite heavy bean!

Clint: Griffin, he ain’t heavy, he’s your brother.

Travis: Boom.

Griffin: And he rears back full strength on the brake lever, and it doesn’t move. And Graham says:

Graham: Oh shit. Hold on.

Griffin: And he tries it again.

Travis: Now Griffin, just - just to clarify before we move forward: Graham’s been training his whole life to pull a lever? There’s not like an intricate button pushing process, he doesn’t need to know how to work the computer?

Griffin: Uh, well--

Travis: He’s been training his whole life to pull a lever?

Griffin: As the brake refuses to move, Graham actually starts furiously punching buttons in the console and, uh, twisting knobs and- and moving other levers. And uh, he looks over at a panel on the left side of the console and says, uh:

Graham: Oh god no. Guys this one is also locked to the- the engineer’s handprint. Did- did anybody save one of those meat monsters’ hands?

Travis: ...No.

Clint: We burned ‘em up, pretty much.

Justin: Yeah I thought they were disintegrated, is what you said.

Clint: Is it possible we can disconnect the locomotive from the rest of the train?

Graham: Yeah but the locomotive is still going to hit Neverwinter and it’s gonna cause a lot of damage.

[Crosstalk]

Clint: Have you met us?

Justin: That’s some other D&D tr-- game’s problem.

Clint: Yeah, let-let ‘em fix-

Griffin: Wait a minute, wait a minute:

Some Other D&D Adventurer: “You have safely brought the princess back to her chambers in Neverwinter after besting the Nineteen Dragons of the Horadrim and - OH FUCK A TRAIN! OH MY GOD NO A TRAIN JUST RAN IN-! OH GOD NO! Oh Jesus.”

[Laughter]

Clint: But we’d be safe.

Justin: I just, I- I’m just living out my lifelong dream of reenacting the end of Silver Streak. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Griffin: Uh, Graham is- is punching in other buttons and Angus is li-:

Angus: I-I’m too young to die. Oh, god, no this is gonna be terrible. What can we do?

Justin: I dunno.

Griffin: Graham say- Graham says:

Graham: W- we- we’re not gonna be able to stop this train. We - we have to destroy it somehow.

Travis: Uhhhh.

Justin: Just give me a second- just give me a second to think.

Clint: I say we disconnect the - we blow up the locomotive and disconnect it. And we stay in the back part.

Justin: We have no, we have no like, I don’t- I don’t know that we have anything with that much power.

Travis: We need to access an area that has that much power-

Justin: Nothing can come through the door though.

Travis: -to port the locomotive to somewhere else?

Justin: Do- do- Ok.

Graham: There’s a- there’s- there’s an entry gate into Neverwinter that you have to go through before you arrive at the platform.
Taako: Wait a minute! I got it, I got it, I got it. I got it. Okay. Listen: This is stupid. [Laughter] Are you ready to do something really stupid?

Travis: Magnus rushes in.

Graham: I’m willing to do anything, we have about two and a half minutes!
Merle: Again, have you just met us?

Justin: I- I take the port wand and I go into the engineer’s car, okay?

Griffin: Uh, okay.

Justin: Okay, and I- is there access to the roof or to the front of it, somewhere I can go stand?

Griffin: Well you wouldn’t be able to because you are in the illusory, you are in the- the port version of the engine car. So you can’t leave it except through any way that you went out. Yeah. There are other ways out the train though. There’s a door, uh, that you came through when you first boarded the train, right in front of the passenger car which is right behind the engine car.

Justin: Okay, I’ll go do that.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I just need to get outside.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You are - okay, so you have popped open the door, uh, that you boarded the train through, in front, uh,- between sort of the engine car and the passenger car, uh, befor-- between the first and second cars on the train, and you have opened it and, uh, are hanging out.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Where is everybody else? I- I’m assuming they’ve left the engine car? Because they’ll be destroyed, if not.

Justin: It’s kind- It’s kind of up to them.

Clint: Well, uh, we’re not sure what he’s thinking about. Are you thinking about creating a port and having the train go through it but in the opposite direction?

Justin: What I’m thinking about, is I’m going to use this wand to change the gate into Neverwinter into a gate to Phandalin, because it’s the only place I know of that’s completely empty and made of glass.

Travis: Perfect.

Griffin: Well it would have to be - it would have to be in to a room with one entrance, but I like where your head’s at a lot.

Travis: Open it to Jenkins’ garden! Fuck that dude!

Justin: How big is Jenkins’s garden?

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, big enough for a train to crash into probably.

Justin: Excellent!

Clint: How about Tom Bodett’s house?

Justin: Tom Bodett we’re coming for you!

Travis: Can we get both of them?

Justin: We’re gonna come for you-- No, that’s good. I’ve seen Jenkins’ garden, I’ve watched him open the door, I know how to do it. I can - I can change the gate at the last second into a door into Jenkins’ garden.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Cast levitate on all of us.

Justin: No no listen, I - we’ve got this. You just have to trust me.

Clint: [Laughing] No wait a minute!

Travis: Well…

Clint: He’s got a backpack full of stolen shit!

Griffin: You don’t know that.

Justin: Okay, listen-

Travis: Okay. Done, fuck it. You know what? I trust you Taako. I lay my hand on his shoulder.

Magnus: I trust you.
Taako: Okay. Excellent.
Graham: We’ll be at the -

Clint: I lay my- I lay my hand on his hip and say:

Merle: That’s as high as I can reach.

Griffin: And then you dip. He dip. We dip, we dip.

Angus: These are all really great goofs, but we’re gonna hit the gate in one minute.
Magnus: Be cool Angus, for one second! This is a teambuilding moment.

Clint: What’s the range of the port wand.

Griffin: You - you have no way of knowing that.

Travis: Make us all lighter, anchor so we’re floating out the back.

Clint: Yeah!

Justin: Wait, what?

Travis: So tie it off to the crypt safe, we go out the back door so we’re, like, separate from the train.

Justin: But we don’t - I don’t - I don’t have enough levitates to do that. I can’t levitate all of us.

Travis: Then levitate an object.

Taako: Aw shit, you know what? You know what? We’re just. Let’s just jump. How bout that?
Merle: Yeah!
Taako: Let’s just jump off a moving train.

Griffin: Yep. Yeah I mean, this is not a suspended bridge -

Justin: Yeah it’s a stupid garden, I’ll fall in some daffodils or something.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Y-- so wait, you’re gonna wait until you’re inside the garden to jump out?

Travis: No.

Justin: No. No.

Clint: Cast the portal, jump out.

Justin: Cast the portal, jump off.

Griffin: This, uh, as you - as you lean out you are, uh, overlooking just sort of a plain, uh, type area, uh, with some other tracks running through it, sort of like a railyard.

Justin: Uhh.

Clint: I’m not saying it wouldn’t hurt.

Griffin: I’m not - Yeah, I’m saying if you jumped out you wouldn’t fall 150 feet to your death.

Justin: Okay, great. Let - how close are we to the gate though?

Griffin: Uh, I mean you’re - you’re 50 yards.

Justin: Perfect. Okay. Can- I mean - am I close enough that I could cast the spell or do I need to wait longer?

Griffin: Uh, I mean you can give it the old college try.

Justin: Oh great, okay. I’ll wait until…

Taako: Everybody off! Everybody jump, I’ll wait til I’m 25 yards.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: ‘Cause I don’t wanna risk it.

Griffin: Uh, Angus says:

Angus: Are you sure about this? It seems like it’s gonna hurt a lot, Sir.

Clint: God, hit him.

Justin: I push Angus off the train.

Taako: You’re fine!
Angus: Oh go- oh gosh!

Clint: He falls under the wheels!

Justin: No!

Clint: Tom Bodett style! You got Bodett’ed!

Griffin: No he - you- you throw this canary in the mineshaft off the train. Uh, you see him roll….a good distance. Uh, and, uh, he’s - he sits up and gives you a thumbs up, but he’s missing two teeth.

Justin: Great, okay. Is everybody else - uh, can everybody else hop off?

Travis: I jump, but I tuck and roll so as to incur no damage.

Griffin: Acrobatics check!

Travis: I rolled a 45!

Griffin: Nope, that’s not a number.

Travis: Uh, uh oh, what - no, that’s not good, I’m gonna die.

Griffin: You won’t di- you won’t die die.

Travis: Won’t I? I only have one hit point Griffin.

Griffin: I mean that’s not death.

Travis: Uh, I rolled a 12.

Griffin: Okay, yeah that’s gonna hurt. [Rolls] It’s two hit points, which in- in any other circumstances I think would be a really good number to get.

Travis: Ugh.

Griffin: Uh, you see Magnus go off the train. He does not sit up and give a thumbs up.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, next. Who’s jumping off?

Clint: I’m not jumping off yet. Let Josh--J-- let Jess and, uh, Juicy jump off.

Griffin: Okay, Jess and uh, Jess, uh, leaps off effortlessly. She actually, like, jumps off and then manages to, like, land on her feet running and just sort of stops moving. Perfect, like a cat.

Travis: Why didn’t I do that?

Griffin: ‘Cause you-- she’s way cooler than you are. Like way way way cooler. And just sort of way better at... everything?

Travis: Fine.

Taako: Graham, once you’re off, do you have any magics that could tend to his wounds?
Graham: Uh, I can give it a try. I’ve got a-- I’ve got a s-
Taako: Great, that’s good enough for me. Bye.
Graham: Okay. Well, I just wanna say I’m really proud of you.
Taako: Okay good.

Travis: [Laughing] Okay, get - get!

Graham: And I just wanted - I just want you to know that -

Justin: I p- I push him off the train too.

Graham: - [Fading as he falls off the train] I just want y- I just want you to know, that I wanna be like you somedaaaay!

Griffin: And, uh, he is - he is now off the train. Uh, I think that’s everyone.

Justin: Well, uh, Merle and I are still on.

Griffin: Okay, you and Merle are still on the train.

Taako: Alright, let’s jump. Cause this looks - we’re close, we’re real close.
Merle: Alright, you gonna cast the thing?
Taako: Uh, I probably need to jump and cast it afterwards so I can keep my concentration.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: ‘Kay.

Clint: It’ll be real easy to concentrate when you’re rolling across those railroad ties.

Justin: No I mean I’ll hop up at the last second, it’s gonna be sweet.

Clint: That will be really cool.

Justin: Well let me get an acrobatic - what is it? What kind - do I need to do an acrobatics check? Or am I -

[Crosstalk]

Griffin: Yes, both of - both of- both of you are making acrobatics checks.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Okay. Uh, sixteen plus two. Eighteen.

Clint: Uh, fourteen minus one. Thirteen. Oh no, no I leveled that up. It’s zero. It’s just fourteen.

Griffin: Fourteen and what did you get, Taako?

Justin: Eighteen.

Griffin: Eighteen. Uh, ok Merle takes a little bit of damage.

Clint: Ow.

Griffin: Uh, five damage. Uh, but Taako you do not! Uh, you are - you l- you land almost as gracefully as uh, as Jess did. Which is pretty impressive. Uh.

Justin: Great. And then I cast the - I focus on Jenkins’ garden and I cast - uh, uh, I use the transport wand on the gate into Neverwinter.

Griffin: Okay. Seconds before the train goes through the gate you point the port wand at the gate and make a spellcasting check.

Clint: [Laughing]

Justin: Nineteen plus five. Twenty-four.

Griffin: Twenty-four? Okay, you see in a flash, uh, the train platform of Neverwinter disappear, uh, and in its place, uh, you see a lush garden. Uh, the train goes into it. Uh, you hear a cacophonous smash as the, uh, the glass, uh, container of the greenhouse comes smashing down. Uh, you see, uh, greenery just sort of go flying, uh, colliding with the back of the gate and just sort of stopping in midair and falling to the ground. Uh, and the train goes through, and as the, uh, container of the greenhouse is destroyed, uh, the spell shuts off, and with a loud pop, uh, the spell is interrupted and the train has vanished.

Magnus: Can I just say you guys, way more successful than our last one. We didn’t destroy a city or anything.
Merle: Except for the damn garden!
Taako: Yeah the garden--
Magnus: FUCK--Fuck Wankins’ garden. I don’t care about that dude.

Clint: [Laughing]

Taako: And-- oh, everybody, I just remembered something terrible!
Magnus: What’s that?
Taako: We forgot to get the valuables off! Before we did that. Out of the safe.

Travis: And--and-and Merle and Magnus just kind of glare at Taako…

Angus: Oh no!--Angus says--Oh no! I was transporting my grandpa’s favorite silverware! I was gonna give it to him as a death-day present!

Justin: [Laughter]

Merle: Oh, well!
Magnus: He’ll be happy you’re alive, Angus. That’s present enough.
Angus: No, he said specifically, “Bring me my--bring me my silverware. I’d like to see it one more time on my deathbed.”
Magnus: Well, maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll be dead before you get there!
Angus: … We can only hope.

Travis: [Laughter]

Justin: Um, Griffin, can you say something about how we solved your train mystery?

Griffin: Oh, yeah-- I mean, you actually did solve my--my murder puzzle. You-you-you have literally, uh, for once, solved my Puzzle of . . .

Clint: --Murder! . . .

Griffin: Of- of-- You’ve solved my train puzzle.

Clint: Yeah!

Justin: Yaay.

[Commercial 30:25-36:01]

Griffin: Is somebody going to keep Magnus from dying?

Travis: That would be great!

Justin: I asked Graham to check on him.

Clint: Don’t we have healing potions?

Justin: ---that works.

Griffin: Graham-- Graham runs over to him and says:

Graham: Yeah, this guy’s, like, dying and I don’t have any healing spell-- I’m, like, a wizard.

Justin: Do--will--do potions work on him if he’s, like, past that--that point?

Griffin: Yeah, sure, okay.

Travis: Well, What's--What’s your stabilize patient thing do, Dad?

Justin: Oh, Yeah! Can’t you use that?

Griffin: Yeah, you’ve been tryin’ to use it all day.

Clint: Yeah, I can use it.

Justin: [Laughing]

Griffin: [Laughing]

Clint: Well, uh, I mean, what kept me from doing it before?

Travis: I wasn’t actually at zero.

Griffin: Nobody was dead.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: He hadn’t jumped out of a train bad yet.

Clint: [Laughing]

Griffin: Okay--

Travis: Two points of damage isn’t that bad! I would challenge anyone to jump out of a train, and that was like stubbing a toe, but that had just happened to be enough that I died of toe-stubbage.

Clint: Okay, Spare the Dying; You touch a living creature that has zero hit-points, the creature becomes stable.

Griffin: Okay, you- you run back towards, uh, towards Magnus and touch him, lovingly, upon the hip and uh--

Clint: Can I do the- the ‘brushing the lock of hair off his forehead’ thing? ‘Cause I--

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Yes you may.

Clint: That's so sweet.

Griffin: Yeah, you do that and uh, he is, uh, stable. Uh, which means he's basically at zero hit-points and he's not gonna die. Um, but he does need to be- he does need to get some- some HP’s back, um. So, he-- a healing potion would probably go down real smooth right now.

Justin: Well... isn't there probably an inn, or something in--, that we could just walk to?

[Snickering]

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: Let's just walk.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Wouldn't that be better?

Clint: We’ll c- we could carry him.

Justin: Yeah, let’s carry him.

Griffin: Okay. I like that, so--

Travis: I- I’m very light, I’ve got levitating boots.

Justin: Yeah, so, he's got levitating boots let's just carry him.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, so you, uh, put an arm around, uh, each of your guys’ shoulders, and you carry him back in, uh, to the train platform, uh, you’ve got, uh, Angus, and Jess, and Graham in tow, uh, little battered, little bruised-- not Jess, ‘cause she did- did a great job, uh--

Travis: Because she’s the best.

Griffin: She’s just, super, super good at fighting, and acrobatics and stuff. Uh, but yeah--you walk into the station, and standing on the platform are a bunch of very well-dressed, uh, people with luggage who are just looking at you, mouth agape, because they just watched a fucking train disappear. Uh, and uh, the authorities run up, the Neverwinter Militia run up, uh, and Angus produces a, uh, a small badge from inside his jacket, and goes,

Angus: It’s okay, they’re with me.

Griffin: Uh, and goes and starts to talk to them, uh, and the uh, the chaos, uh, of this scene eventually subsides, uh, a little bit, and you are inside the platform. Jess turns to you and goes,

Jess: Well, that was weird, there was a lot of static-talk, train disappeared, uh, lot of really weird stuff just happened, but, uh, I gotta say, that was pretty exciting. Uh, I thought this was gonna be a pretty boring hype tour, but uh, you guys sure livened it up, so if you’re ever, uh-- If you ever wanna come to one of my matches, I can get you in for free. Uh, on the house, just say the word.
Magnus: Quick question, Jess.
Jess: Yeah?
Magnus: Is that- is that soul-bound axe thing something you can teach me?
Jess: Uh, no, it’s just-- it’s g-- you gotta find it, you gotta love it, you gotta nurture it, it’s a relationship.
Merle: Will you give it to him?
Jess: I can’t--
Magnus: We already tried that.

Clint: I thought that-- I thought that was gonna be the next question, yeah, okay.

Magnus: No, we tried that, like, two episodes ago.
Jess: It’s also, the problem is that it’s probably gonna be way too heavy for him to even hold, so...
Magnus: Well, you know what, Jess? Thanks so much, we’ll see ya later.
Jess: It was super nice to meet you guys, though.
Magnus: You can piss right off.
Taako: Jess, can I ask you one favor?
Jess: Yeah, hit me.
Taako: When you tell people the story of what happened, and they ask if I said anything cool when Jenkins got knocked off the train, can you just tell them I smiled and said, “Huh-- No ticket?”

Clint: Ohhh, that’s good!

Taako: That’s good, right? Tell them I said that.
Jess: Yeah.
Taako: If--When you tell the story, okay?
Jess: And this- this technically came out before Indiana Jones--

Clint: [Laughing]

Jess: --in like, the timeline of this fantasy history--
Taako: So I guess I made it--that up.
Jess: ...Yeah.
Taako: I invented that. Tell them I invented that.

Travis: Wait…

Taako: If you go like, past a trademark . . . place . . .
Jess: Just have them trademark your dope catchphrase.
Taako: [Cross-talk] Trademark it. That catchphrase, yeah.

Travis: Are we in, is Neverwinter in a world that exists, like, thousands of years before Indiana Jones? Like, are we-- are we in the past? Are there dinosaurs?

Griffin: It’s up to you.

Clint: [Cross-talk] Or are we in the future?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, Jess-- Jess takes off, uh, and Graham uh, uh, walks up to you guys and says, uh,

Graham: I - I’ve gotta go write a report! Uh, this is- this is gonna be how I get my job, for the- for the Rockport Express. I’m gonna tell them everything that happened, and, uh . . . yeah, I-I-I think uh, this might be a way to get my foot in the door!
Merle: One- one suggestion, Graham: Don’t bring up the whole “destroying an entire train” part.
Taako: Right, you may wanna edit the story.
Merle: Yeah, you don’t wanna include that in your dissertation.
Graham: I’ll leave that part out, I’ll say ... that you guys, using your wits-- You guys are just so great --managed to slow the train down … and there--well, no. They’re probably gonna see past that, because there’s no train.
Taako: Tell them--
Graham: Like, there’s just-- there’s just no train anymore.
Taako: Yeah…
Graham: There used--there used to be a--where there once was a train, there is now no train. Is what I’m saying.
Taako: Right, exactly.
Graham: Anyways, super cool meeting you guys. Can I get like, your, uh, your-- your contact information? ‘Cause I’d love just to--

Travis: I hug-- I hug Graham, and whisper in his ear,

Magnus: Let us be as two ships passing.

[Laughter]

Graham: I guess you’re right, I guess the best friendships that you make in this world are the ones … that just … come to an end. [Laughs] Just come to an abrupt--
Magnus: We’ll always remember you ‘til three episodes from now, when we can’t remember anything but “Juicy Wizard.”
Graham: That’s fine. That’s my name.
Merle: And we’ll always have Letterman’s Gap.
Graham: Do you guys know, by the way, the story of why my robes say “Juicy” on the butt?
Magnus: [Interrupting] Okay, time to go.
Merle: No. [Laughs]
Magnus: Bye.
Graham: It was a great story, but I guess you’ll never know.
Magnus: Tell it to the bees.

Griffin: [Laughing] Wha--“Tell it to the bees?”

Magnus: Tell it to the bees.

Griffin: Okay.

Graham: I’m gonna go find some bees. Later, guys!
Taako: Hey, check me on LinkedIn! I’ll en-- I’ll endorse you for s-- for train stuff, you endorse me for magic stuff … all right, bye!
Graham: That sounds very equitable. Bye!

Griffin: And he walks off, into the crowd. Uh, and Angus walks away from the, uh, the militia who have started to disperse, uh, uh, off the platform and he walks up to you and says, uh,

Angus: I gotta say you guys, I’m really proud of you. I--I--I--This was one of the toughest mysteries that I’ve ever solved on my--by myself, and, I--
Magnus: Well... Wait, hold on, I’d say we solved this one together.
Angus: Of course, yeah, no, it was a j--it was a joint effort--
Merle: WHOAAA, I’d say we solved it alone, without you.
Angus: Well, that seems...mean, I’m trying to like, do a heartfelt goodbye speech.
Taako: [laughing]
Merle: But this is the moment--this is the moment when they carry Jenkins’ body by on a gurney and he pops up from under a sheet--

Griffin: Uh huh, uh--and then, f--fucking Reginald VelJohnson shoots him.

[Laughter]

Justin: And then Reginald VelJohnson’s like, "No ticket.” or like, “Let us--”

Clint: [laughing, crosstalk] That’s his!

Justin: [crosstalk] First off, first off, that’s a trademark...violation. Second, it doesn’t even make any sense.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: But it is nice to know that Reginald Veljohnson has learned to kill again.

Griffin: Right.

Justin: And it’s nice that he’s a fan of the show, apparently!

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh... Tr--Angus looks at you and goes, “I shot a kid.”

[Laughter]

Griffin: That’s...That’s the best, that’s the best line reading of anything in the world, but--I know we’re going completely off the rails right now, but, “I shot a kid.” is the best… any line has ever been delivered in the world. Uh, Angus says--

Travis: [laughing] His name was Urkel.

Griffin: Uh--

Travis: That dude.

Griffin: Angus says, uh, uh,

Angus: I want you guys to have something, ‘cause I was gonna take it back to the station, because it shouldn’t fall into unsafe hands but, you guys seem like uh, you’ll be able to take care of it, and maybe you’ll get a lot of use out of it.

Griffin: And he, uh, pulls out, uh, the rusted compass, out of his pocket, and uh--

Clint: I take it!

Griffin: Okay, and he hands it to Merle, and Merle, you pop it open and it seems to be pointing...toward Taako’s bag, which is weird, but you don’t--

Clint: [crosstalk] Ooh, okay.

Justin: [crosstalk] I have--I have the monocle in there.

Griffin: Oh.

Travis: Oh, um, quick OOC moment...um, how good was the OC? Um, we’re walkin’ away from this with the monocle, the compass, AND the port wine, right? “Port wine”--the port wand.

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: Aha...

Travis: Oh, shit! We forgot to get Pringles for our roommate.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, no--well, well I mean, you did--

Clint: [crosstalk] Well, we haven’t left yet.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, there’s still--

Travis: Is there like a news stand on the train station or something where I could pick up, like they have something like Sour Patch Kids, or--

Griffin: J--Angus says, Angus says,

Angus: And I have one other gift for you.

Griffin: And he retrieves... it’s a miniature, it’s like one of those snack size canisters, and it’s Sour Cream & Onion which is not the best kind of Pringle--

Clint: No.

Griffin: But he says,

Angus: They’re yours if-- they’re yours if you want ‘em. I was gonna have ‘em as a traintime snack, but I forgot to eat ‘em in the train times.

Travis: [laughing]

Taako: And I have, I have something for you. I managed to r--to get one piece of the treasure out of the, out of the crypt. And it’s--
Angus: You got my grandpa’s silverware?
Taako: Ah, well--
Angus: You got the whole set?
Taako: Sadly, I was only able to preserve a few pieces of it, but something’s better than nothing, I guess.

Justin: And I hand him three forks.

Clint: [laughing]

Angus: ...Thanks. I was really, I was really--you got me really excited that you rescued the whole set, ‘cause I think--honestly I think if I just show these three forks to my grandpa, he’s just gonna get angry.
Taako: Listen, kid, I’m not a magic worker, okay?
Magnus: ...Wait--
Taako: Well, I am, but--technically speaking, I am in fact a magic worker, but, uh... I’m busy.

Griffin: Uh, he s--he says--

Travis: Hey, I’m still dying!

Griffin: Uhuhuh, yeah, that’s true. Uh, he says,

Angus: If you, if you guys ever run into any mysteries that you can’t solve, uh, just drop me a line, and uh, I-I’ll be there in a flash!

Griffin: And... He hands you a card that just says “Angus McDonald” on it, uh, but there’s no phone number or anything ‘cause phones don’t exist, so it’s not the best business card, but he gives it to you anyway.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: We’ll use the port wand to find him.

Justin: [crosstalk] Does it have his LinkedIn address? Then I can find him on LinkedIn, just do that.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Yeah. ...Uh, okay.

Travis: Chainli--ChainlinkedIn.

Griffin: Oh, I get it.

Clint: That was good!

Griffin: Yeah!

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Uh, so yeah, you stop by the Neverwinter Clinic, I’m guessing, to uh keep your--

Travis: [laughing] To get the bumps on our genitals checked out!

[laughter]

Griffin: This guy’s almost dead and you guys all have syphilis; what happened?

[laughter]

Griffin: How can this be? And uh, yeah, you’ve, you’ve, you’ve--that’s all of the content I’ve created. So what do you wanna do now? Let’s just fuckin’ freestyle it.

Taako: Well, we’ve got fifteen minutes. I actually had a suggestion that I wanted to suggest to you guys before we go too much further.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I think it would be worth--we have fifteen minutes--I think it would be really a good use of our time to develop some character voices. Because I think that this nonsense of saying, “I’m saying this in character, I’m not saying in character,” and I think it’s getting confusing. For me, it’s very easy to tell ‘cause I have this distinguishing factor.

Travis: Do you think--Okay, what about this for Magnus--

Griffin: But a few, a few requests. Don’t be--Don’t make them so terrible.

Travis: Uh huh.

Griffin: And unlistenable. No Scottish acc-- no Spanish accents, no Scottish accents.

Justin: Right.

Travis: This is, this is my suggestion for Magnus.

Griffin: Just tweak it.

Travis: [crosstalk] If Magnus talked like this.

Justin: [crosstalk] All right, Dad and I’ll listen and just kinda like see what grabs us.

Clint: Okay.

Magnus: [slightly deep, gruff voice] Let’s rush into adventure.

Griffin: See, I like that.

Travis: Yeah?

Griffin: It’s simple, it’s gruff, it’s- it’s just a slightly modified--

Magnus: I think that what we should do--

Griffin: Well, you’re getting--

Clint: [crosstalk] Now you’re getting all Sean Connery.

Justin: [crosstalk] A little Sean Connery.

Magnus: [crosstalk] Here’s what we should do. This is-- Okay, this--I’m just gonna stick with this. This is Magnus’ voice.

Griffin: Gruff, gruff. See, it’s fucking hard, isn’t it? Doing one voice. Try doing eight, and they’re all on the same train.

Clint: Yeah, done it for forty years. So go ahead.

Justin: Burn.

Griffin: Well this is, I-- Next time, you can DM, and all the NPC’s will be Ducky Crabtree or something.

[laughter]

Travis: Dad, I think-- yeah, Dad, I think Merle should sound like Ducky Crabtree. Could you do a little Ducky for us now.

Griffin: Ducky Crabtree is our dad’s famous radio personality that he created.

Justin: One of many! Don’t forget, like, Spud Rimshot.

Griffin: Spud Rimshot, yeah. But for me, it’s a-- I’m a Ducky Crabtree man at heart.

Justin: Well okay, everyone’s got their own--

Clint: Gosh really, Ducky as the uh, huh, okay.

Travis: Do it. Do it, coward.

Clint: Um, all right. I will.

Griffin: How long’s it been since you’ve, uh, d- dusted off ol’ Ducky? Pulled him off the shelf?

Clint: [laughing] It’s been a long time! Been about two and a half years, I guess! [laughing]

Travis: All right, let’s hear him.

Clint: Okay, um.

Merle: [sort of higher-pitched, hillbilly character voice] What d’ya mean I can’t cast Sanctuary? What d’ya mean I’m outta spell slots?

Clint: I think that might be a little distracting.

Travis: [crosstalk] Pretty good.

Griffin: [crosstalk] That’s pretty good, because that’s also things that you would do, which is try to cast spells when you can’t.

Clint: Well, that was the-- that was my ironic joke there.

Griffin: It was good! Uh, I-- Let’s keep workshopping Merle.

Clint: All right.

Griffin: Because that’s gonna be, that’s gonna be rough to listen to a lot of.

Clint: Yeah. Um--

Griffin: Ducky Crabtree is good in short bursts.

Clint: Now, are we set on-- Are we set on, uh, Magnus? On that kind of deep and gruff?

[Crosstalk]

Travis: Is it ‘cause that’s what you wanted for Merle?

Clint: Well I was thinkin’ if Merle were short...

Justin: Well why don’t you lean in to sort of like your Pan roots, you know, like some of your more nature…

Griffin: Yeah, I gotta say you just destroyed a beautiful garden, and that seems like n-- a non-crunchy thing to do.

Justin: Non-crunchy, yeah.

Clint: Oh it hurt. It hurt. Uh…

Justin: Maybe something in that crunchy range. Is there something in that sort of like, granola hippy place that you could go?

Clint: Hmm, let’s see.

Travis: You know what I’m picturing? I’m picturing if Danny DeVito were, like, a devout, crunchy dude.

Justin: [quietly] What does that sound like?

Griffin: And he- and he might be.

Justin: He may be, I don’t know him that well, personally.

Clint: Devout crunchy, so...

Justin: Mmhmm.

Clint: [In a higher, raspy voice] So maybe if it was a little more natural? Maybe along the lines….

[Crosstalk]

Griffin: Well less-- less Gary - I want you to take the Gary Sinise knob, and I want you to turn it to fucking zero.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: Yeah, but that’s close. I like that direction.

Justin: Yeah I like the direction too.

Clint: Alright, so a little raspy. Maybe raspy?

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: [In Merle’s voice] That would hurt, I don’t know if I could - Okay, uh, yeah maybe that would work. That goes away from Magnus.

Griffin: There we go, there we go, there we go.-

Justin: Yeah!

Travis: I - I really think that’s it.

Clint: It’s almost a Clint Eastwood feel.

Justin: Yeah, like an effete Sam Elliott.

Clint: Yeah.

[Laughing]

Clint: Oh, okay, maybe even a little lower. Where you goin’ with that? Or do you want it up a little higher?

Travis: Well don’t get too gruff, or you’re getting in to Magnus territory.

Griffin: Yeah and you’re getting, you’re getting into a weirdly sexual character.

Clint: So let’s go with raspy, and high.

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: And kind of an earthy, uh, yeah alright.

Justin: Kind of a Bob Ross vibe.

Travis: I want you to say “Have you heard the good news about Pan today?”

Clint: Have you heard the good news about Pan today?

Justin: Yeah I like that.

Travis: Yeah, I think you got it.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re in it.

Clint: Let me open up this, uh, Teen Extreme Bible and read a few passages.

Travis: What I like is that you’ve got a good combination of like crunchy granola and also kinda creepy youth minister.

Justin: [In a Creepy Youth Minister Voice] You guys wanna see some really - u-- really realistic unicorn paintings?

Clint: Hey there you go. Hey that almost sounds like a late FM disc jockey too.

Justin: Check out the side of my van.

Clint: Alright we got Peter Cetera now, coming up.

Griffin: Definitely, definitely a core competency.

Justin: Do kids like Bit o’ Honey?

Griffin: Nobody likes Bit o’ Honey. Uh, are you - so anybody wanna go back to the moon?

Travis: Oh yeah! Let’s activate our bracers!

Clint: How-- What’s the response time on calling the crystal balls?

Griffin: Uh, it depends -

Travis: About 10 minutes.

Griffin: Depends on how far away you are from the - from the headquarters.

Clint: Alright, and it really doesn’t make any sense for us to go shopping in town, cause there’s nothing we’re not gonna be able to find-

Griffin: Oh baby, Fantasy Costco’s got everything!

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: And in bulk!

Clint: Mmmmm.

Taako: [distant] Let's - listen. Uh, I think the most important thing we can do, is get these Pringles back to our roommate… Pr-Pringles? Was that his name? I don’t remember.

[Crosstalk]

Merle: Actually don’t you think we oughta heal up poor Magnus first?
Magnus: No we went to the clinic.
Taako: We went to the clinic, remember? For our sexually transmitted diseases?
Merle: Oh yeah. Oh I thought that was that kind of clinic.
Taako: No, no.
Magnus: It was - it was both!
Taako: It was all kinds.

Griffin: Unfortunately you owe the clinic 15,000 gold pieces.

Magnus: Time to go!

[Laughter]

Merle: Good luck collecting that, suckers!

Griffin: Uh, okay. Uh, you’re gonna have to find a safe spot, I’m guessing maybe you want to head out of town, so that nobody sees your, uh-

Clint: Balls?

Griffin: Your balls.

Travis: Yeah, we do that.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That thing you just said.

Griffin: Uh, alright, yeah, you are able to summon a ball from the southeast. Uh, over the mountains you see uh, uh, one of these crystal spheres shoot down, and uh is rocketing towards you in the uh, the plains, uh, just outside of the Neverwinter city limits. Uh, it slows down very slightly before it hits the ground, it’s still -

Travis: Oh I forgot to ask, what band is on this episode of Neverwinter City Limits?

[laughter]

Griffin: That’s pretty good.

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: It’s, uh…it’s the….it’s uh….what’s a funny band?

[laughter]

Clint: Bananarama?

Griffin: It’s Morris Day and The Time. So you may not - you may not wanna leave. You may wanna catch The Time. Uh, yeah this - this sphere collides with the ground, leaves a little skid mark on entry. And, uh, the door, uh, pops open.

Travis: We get in.

Merle: Let’s get in.

Griffin: Okay, you are floating back toward the moon, back over the mountains, uh, you can see the- the Teeth below you, you see the Letterman’s Basin, uh, below you, uh, it’s another beautiful scene. Uh,you’re floating up, it’s midday as you’re moving up. Uh, up, up, up, over the clouds and as you penetrate the cloud layer, uh -

Clint: The credits start to roll.

Griffin: The credits start to roll, soft accordion music is playing, uh, and uh, you -

Clint: [Singing] Que sera, sera….

Griffin: And you see the moon above you getting closer, much closer and then uh, a small hole opens up in it and you fly up into the moon. And uh, are received in the, uh, the launch room by - oh fuck, what’s his name - Avi!

Merle: Avi!

Griffin: You are received by Avi, who says, uh:

Avi: Uh, hey guys, how’d it go?

Travis: Well, hold on. Avi’s great and all, but we did just collect another article. I thought maybe we’d get some kind of hero’s welcome. Like end of, like, uh, what is it. End of New Hope.

Griffin: Uh, nope. Nothing like that!

Travis: [Laughing] Okay!

Griffin: I-- This is, uh--

Clint: Griffin, I wanna know something? Do you have a wall, like the homicide detectives, you know that’s just covered with pictures of all these people like Avi and -

Justin: You know Avi -

Griffin: And Johann…

Clint: How do you keep it straight?

Griffin: Uh, all in my domepiece, brother.

Justin: That’s amazing.

Griffin: I got a w-- I got a-- I got a murder wall in my brain.

Travis: [Laughing]

Justin: That’s - that’s weird.

Taako: Avi listen, we need to get to the administrator’s as soon as possible.
Avi: Did you recover - did you recover a relic?
Magnus: Yeah.
Taako: Yeah, for sure.
Avi: You guys are unstoppable!
Taako: Well…
Avi: You guys - you guys are fucking legends.
Merle: Yeah.
Taako: We’re like a runaway train, never coming back.

Clint: Whoaaaaa!

Griffin: I get it!

Justin: And I jump - and then we all three jump into the air and fuckin’ freezeframe. And it says -

Travis: For six minutes.

Justin: It says “Miller Boyett Productions” at the end of the episode.

Clint: Sit Ubu, sit.

Travis: [Sort of sings Deja Vu]

Justin: Good dog.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, the entire Quantum Leap theme plays, and you unfreeze and uh, Avi leads you back to the Director’s chamber. Uh, and she says, uh:

The Director: I can’t believe you’ve done it again. I can’t believe you’ve done this.

Griffin: Uh, and, uh, wheels out another one of those heavy lead balls, uh, led by a, uh, heavily armed guard who wheels it up to you on a tray and pops the, uh, pops a hole open in the, uh, the lead ball. Points towards it and says uh:

Guard: Put it right in there brother!

Clint: Where’s Davenport?!

Justin: I-I have a question. If I, um - if I’ve already resisted the thrall of it, am I cool to -

Griffin: Yeah you’re cool.

Justin: Okay. I take out the monocle and I put it in the ball.

Griffin: Okay. As he shuts the, uh, the window pane door of the, uh, of this lead ball you hear uh, a voice from inside go:

The Monocle: Aw, come on maaaaan. Oh, come oooonnnn. [Muffled] Aw come, come on maan. Aw man. Maaaan.

Clint: [Laughter]

Griffin: And, uh, the guard wheels the lead ball out of the room-

Travis: Man, we didn’t even get to play with the monocle.

[Crosstalk]

Clint: We don’t even know what it does!

Griffin: Uh, and, uh, wheels it into the cerebro chamber, uh, and the Director pulls the curtain so you can see into the chamber. Same thing happens - the lead ball floats up, uh, columns of light, uh, shoot through it, uh, and then the ball descends. Uh, the, uh, guard comes into the chamber, wheels the ball out, back into the room and opens it up, and it is empty.

Merle: It’s beautif - what?

Griffin: Uh, and the Director says, uh:

The Director: You have just destroyed another incredibly powerful relic. That relic was imbued with impossible illusion magic. It’s called the Oculus. Rift. No. [Laughter] It’s just called the Oculus. And it-- it is able to turn anything you create with illusion magic into something real. Into something tangible.
Magnus: But that sounds great!
Taako: It really - it sounds awesome.
The Director: It’s really great - unless you use it to conjure an illusory army or some sort of illusory dragon -
Taako: Still sounds great. Very great.
The Director: Or an illusory black hole that then destroys the world.
Merle: Not seein’ a downside.
Magnus: But- But we- But- but we could’ve used that for so much good!
The Director: You cannot use the Grand Relics for good. They-- their power overwhelms and inevitably leads only to evil.

[Crosstalk]

Travis: Uh Griffin, in case you’re wondering, this is the scene at which, uh, we start to plant the seed of like oh, twenty episodes from now when Magnus like splinters off and is like “We can use these for good”. This is the beginning of it.

Griffin: Oh, I see I see I see.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: Yeah, this is the endgame, we’re setting the scene for the endgame.

Justin: Right.

Travis: Yeah, this all begins now.

Griffin: Okay.

Magnus: We could have used it for good! The power, as long as it was wielded responsibly.

Griffin: The Director says, uh:

The Director: You better keep that shit in check.[Clint laughs] Cause that- that sort of thinking will consume you, and tear you apart from your friends, and lead you to create a rival Bureau F- Faction.
Magnus: You’re probably right, this will probably never come up again.

Clint: Led by Dark Magnus.

Taako: Sorry, but once Magnus gets started thinking about something it’s hard to stop. He’s like a runaway train never coming back.

Clint: [Laughing] Oh ho! Jump in the air and high five again!

[Crosstalk about high fives and freeze frames]

The Director: I take it - I take it your adventure involved the train?
Magnus: Well yeah. You knew that. You sent us down there to get on the train. C’mon.
Taako: Yeah. Yeah...yeah. You know the story.
The Director: I just would have thought that you would have used your powers of persuasion to get the relic off the train before it even departed, but the- the way you did it was certainly interesting.
Magnus: Well that’s what we’re here for.
Taako: Ours had murther.
The Director: Had what?
Magnus: Yeah.
Taako: Mur-ther? Most foul.

[Giggling]

Taako: The modern bee sting!

Travis: We made some - we made some good friends and we grew closer as a group along the way. I would say it was very satisfying as far as storytelling goes.

The Director: Well friendship, I would say, is the greatest reward that you can receive in this life or any other life.
Magnus: That said it is important that when we erase this from everyone’s memories uh, we also erase it from like Angus and Graham - I don’t want those people calling us.
The Director: Uh, that won’t be necessary. We won’t need to erase anyone’s memory on this job because you didn’t destroy a city this time.
Merle: We destroyed a garden.
Magnus: Yay! Is this our - is this our quarterly review?
The Director: This is your quarterly review. Compared to last time, 100% year-over-year improvement.
Magnus: Yay!
The Director: Do y’all wanna get paid or nah?
Magnus: Yeah.
Merle: Yeah.
Taako: Yeah.
The Director: DAVENPORT!

Griffin: D-- And Davenport comes out.

Davenport: Davenport!

Griffin: And, uh, walks up to you with a silver tray with three more Fantasy Gashapon tokens on it and a sack containing 2100 gold pieces.

Taako: Woooo!
Magnus: And how much is the stuff in Taako’s bag worth?
The Director: What, uh, what - sorry, what?
Magnus: The stuff clanking around as we walked around town?
Taako: That’s my CPAP machine.

[Travis and Clint absolutely lose it]

Taako: And I’ll - thanks for bringing it up though. It’s really nice. Wow, what scumbags you are, huh? Guy’s got one fallibility, gotta rub it in his face.

Clint: And here’s the bad thing, only one of us actually uses a CPAP machine! Why am I laughing?

Taako: It’s not funny.

Griffin: It’s pretty funny.

Clint: Alright, then in that case no perception check, let him keep it.

Justin: I don’t mean to pick on you Dad. Once I get started it’s hard to stop. It’s like a runaway train!

Clint: Ha! High five!

Justin: High five! Freeze frame! How much longer? Are we done?

Clint: [Laughing] We’re done.

[CREDITS MUSIC]

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