Balance – Episode 15: Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Six/Transcript

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone!

Angus: If the object of value that the three of you are trying to claim is somewhere on this train, then I have reason to believe that the Rockport Slayer is somewhere on the train too.

Griffin: You see a shadow through the frosted glass of the sleeper car breeze past. You see a large pool of blood, on the outside of the closed door. This body is wearing robes. It has been beheaded. Both of its hands are missing. It has a shimmering...rainbow...bowtie.

Everyone: No! No!

Magnus: Noooo, we didn’t appreciate him while he was alive!
Merle: Jenkins!

Griffin: The cut through the neck is very clean. You hear a deafening roar come from that room.

Graham: The last time I saw Jenkins was just a few minutes before I found him. He came up and did a drink service up here.

Griffin: You hear the engineers voice come from a small cone above the door.

Hudson: Jenkins was a dedicated employee of the Ro-

Travis: Well now he’s just a dead employee.

Justin: A dead employee!

Clint: I pick up the nodule. It’s a little sticky. I put it in my ear.

Scuttle Buddy: [buzzes] Z zzzz zzz [Sounds like “I love you”].
Merle: I love you too, scuttle buddy.
Announcer: Put on your thinking caps, gumshoes! It’s time to solve a murder in: THE ADVENTURE ZONE.

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]


Griffin: The three of you are stacked up, SWAT Team style on the door to the cargo car. With--

Travis: Like on each other's shoulders?

Griffin: No, I mean there’s no, like-you’re not sneaking into an R-Rated movie. You’re about to-you’re about to slice-

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: We’re like Little Rascalling it?

Griffin: No, you’re about to slice the pie with Angus who has his uh- his hand crossbow out. Uh, he’s got his uh, back up uh, to the wall against the door with the hand on the door, ready to go in. Uhhm. Before you all can breach, Angus turns to the three of you and says uh,

Angus: Now listen, if we find the culprit in this room, you have to promise me that you’ll help me apprehend him. Don’t kill him. Or her. Whoever it is.
Magnus: Ooh, that’s a big ask.

Justin: Uhhh.

Merle: We really wanna kill him.

Justin: Yeah we--

Magnus: We only know like, two things.
Merle: Jumping away from fire and killing are the only two things we’re really good at.

Griffin: Not--

Taako: We don’t have our weapons, though, so w-- it would come down to fisticuffs.
Magnus: That’s true.
Merle: Aw.
Taako: Beat a man to death with your bare hand.
Angus: I’ve found that not killing is pretty easy. I go long stretche- long periods of time without killing anybody.

Travis [in Angus’s voice]: Keeping the demons at bay!

Taako: Hey, listen, we all have droughts, kid. Don’t feel bad.


Griffin: Uhh, he says,

Angus: Okay.

Justin: --cold streaks.

Angus: Breaching in three, two, one--
Magnus [crosstalk]: Wait! Wait!
Angus: What- what- Yeah?
Magnus: Angus.
Angus: Yeah?
Magnus: Check your book.
Angus: Okay.

Griffin: He pulls out the book of interception that he used to discover your true identities and cracks it open, and says uh:

Angus: What am I looking for here?
Magnus: Is there anything since just before we heard the scream that alerted us to the Jenkins murder or anything after.. Any information we should have before we move forward?

Griffin: He flips through the book really quickly,

Angus: This is not a great time for it, we’re about to do some action-packed SWAT shit, but.. No I don’t- I don’t see any messages in here.
Magnus: Okay.

Griffin: He says. Uhh,

Angus: Can I breach?
Merle: Yeah. Yeah.
Magnus, mockingly: Can I breach?
Angus [crosstalk]: Can I breach please?
Magnus [crosstalk]: Excuse me.
Angus: Are you all trained for SWAT hand signals?
Magnus [crosstalk]: No.
Angus [crosstalk]: And know about slicing the pie?
Magnus: Yes.
Angus: Okay.
Merle: Yeah.
Magnus: I’ve had pie.
Angus [fast talking]: Three- Two- One- Breach!

Griffin: And he uh, slides the door open.

Clint [unintelligible, whispering]: slice of pie. [?]


Travis: Can you paint a word picture of how awesome it looks as we breach through?

Griffin: Yeah. You all-- the four of you, uh, slice the pie in, uh, opposing diagonals into the room. Uh, Angus with his weapon drawn, Taako’s got his umbrella which is a little bit less imposing. Uh, Merle and Magnus you are unarmed, uh, but you move into the room, uh, a flock of Dougs-- doves fly in--

Justin: A flock of--

Travis: A flock of Dougs!

Justin: Not Dougs!

[Clint laughing]

Travis: Doug Doug! Doug Doug Doug!

Griffin: A flock of Dougs fly in behind you and then vanish. Uhhm, and it’s totally sick, uh, the only problem is that there is nobody in the cargo car. It’s com-- it’s completely em--

Justin [crosstalk]: Aw man.

Travis: Except a bunch of Dougs now.

Griffin: There’s a few Dougs. No, there are no Dougs. Uh, the only thing in the cargo car is the crypt-safe. Which is, uh, firmly built into the floor of the room. Now, uh, the three of you, uh, as you move into the room, actually feel, uh, nauseous. For, uh, a- a brief moment. Uh, but that quickly subsides. Uh, and one other curious thing happens as you move into the room. Uh, Merle, you, uh, up to this point have been able to sort of overhear the awkward forced conversation happening between, uh, Jess and Graham in the passenger--

Clint [crosstalk]: Right.

Griffin: --car in the front of the train thanks to your--

Clint: [interrupting] Over my scuttle buddy.

Griffin: --your scuttle buddy earpiece. As soon as you move into this room, that earpiece just shorts out. You--you-- you are not hearing anything anymore. As s- as you move into the room. Uhhm. And..

Justin [crosstalk]: Griffin.

Griffin: Angus starts, uh, overturning the room, looking for clues. Yes, Justin?

Justin: Can I roll a perception check to see if I notice anything awry about the safe?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. You’re- you’re doing an investigation check. Uh..

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: On the safe to see if anything is wrong with it.

Justin: Yeah. [die rolling] Uhh, I got a 19. Plus.. 0. So j-- yeah, just a- a 19.


Griffin: Just a 19? Uh, nope. The- the crypt safe seems totally... intact. There’s uh, it doesn’t seem like it has been, uh, breached or assaulted in any way. It--

Justin: Locked still?

Griffin: It’s still locked up, yeah.

Travis: Did we try the handle? ‘Cause sometimes you like, assume it’s locked and then you like, try the handle and it opens and you’re like, ugh.

Griffin: Yeah and s-sometimes the crypt safe does the thing where it unlocks the crypt safe right when you try to pop that handle open--

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: --And it’s like god just wait for a second. I’ll go and then you go.

Clint: Like jigglin’ the toilet handle.

Justin: Right.

Travis: Just like jiggling the toilet handle. And sometimes you poop on the crypt safe. Griffin can I roll to see if I figure out what’s going on?

Griffin [crosstalk]: Yeah, what roll would that be?

Travis: [crosstalk] Just in general. Um. I- I have a +8 to figuring shit out.

Griffin: ‘Mkay.

[Justin laughing]

Travis: Uh, it was only a 7. So that’s only a 15 to figuring shit out.

Griffin: No, you have no i--

Travis: Agh.

Griffin: You have no idea. Use your brain, not your dice.

Travis: But...

Justin: So... I [unintelligible]

Travis [crosstalk]: That’s not how D&D works.

Justin: I was actually thinking about that this past week. Like, if I was-- cause I’m- I’m cosplaying Taako as a-- currently, as a--

[Griffin laughing]

Griffin: Are you-- are you w- are you wearing a robe?

Justin: --currently cosplaying Taako as a stupid man, that may change, I--he’s kinda been going back and forth. But, does it c-- Like, D&D, like, meta D&D, like, should I be able to figure-- Like, is that fair if I figure something out? Because that doesn’t necessarily make sense in the world. Y’know what I’m saying? Like--

Griffin: I- I’ve always pictured Taako as more aloof than ignorant? He’s, so--

Travis: He knows more than he lets on.

Griffin [crosstalk]: Yeah.

Justin [crosstalk]: But you’re not answering the essential question here.

Griffin: If any- if any of you crack this open don’t fucking sit on the answer. I’ve g- I’ve got--

Justin: What?

Griffin: --just if you- If you know the answer--

Justin: No, I don’t-- I-- I don’t think I can crack it open--

Clint: He’s trying to ask if Justin can figure it out--

Justin: If Justin figures-- I’m not saying like--

Griffin: Yeah, if y-- if Justin figures it out, let it rip, baby.

Justin: Oh.. Uh, one.. a single intelligence point orc. Like. Should he be able to figure-- Like, does it make sense? If I were to figure something out, like, for that orc to be able to-- to guess it in D&D? Like, does that make sense?

Griffin: Well, you’d have to make like, 19 wrong guesses first.

Justin: Shouldn’t I be rolling to sa-- see if I figure it out is what I’m saying.

Griffin: No.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: We’re just talking-- we’re just talking-- this is just friends talking right now.

Taako: So here’s-- this is interesting. You know this, this um... counters, sort of, what I was thinking because, y’know, Jenkins’s hands were missing, right, and I-- what I was thinking was this-- the rule of the safe is that you uh, have the employee of uh, the Rockport Express-- have to have their hands on the safe for an hour. And his hands were missing. So I- I thought- what I had thought was, maybe someone had taken his hands so they could put them on the safe.

Griffin: Uhh--

Taako: But there i-- are no hands on the safe.

Griffin: Angus uh, looks up from his dusting for prints on the safe, and he looks up at you, and he says:

Angus: Yes, I had the same suspicion a while ago--

Travis: [in a mocking, joke voice, pretending to be Angus] Stupid!


Angus: --of--in fact a really long--

Travis: [still pretending to be Angus] Way to catch up!

Angus:--like basically from the start, I had that suspicion.
Merle: Yeah, yeah right.
Angus: The only issue is that it’s not just any employee, it has to be the engineer of the train. Who- who’s locked away in the engine car.
Magnus: How do you open the engine car?
Angus: You don’t. The engineer is the only one that can get in there.
Magnus: Unless you have the wand.
Taako: Unless you have the wand-- Jenkins’s wand, right? Jenkins’s wand would let you go into any area. So, that would be the only way-- if it was the pleasure chamber--
Angus: You’re throw- you’re throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall--

[Clint laughing]

Angus: --I think there’s-- I think there’s--
Taako: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to just like, piece this out, right?

Griffin: He said, uh:

Angus: I- I noticed something very suspicious about this room. Uh, and I’m wondering if you can help me uh, uh, confirm my suspicion. Uh, can one of you--

Travis [interrupting]: Is this the point when the lightning flashes and when the lights come back on he’s got, like, an arrow in his heart?


Travis: I know who the killer is! [lighting noises]

Angus: Can one of you try and open the rear door? The caboose door? For the train, please.

Justin [crosstalk]: I can do it.

Travis [crosstalk]: I will go in the caboose.

Justin: I already do it. I’m doing it right now.


Griffin: Okay. Uh, you- you are trying to open up the very rear door of the train-- which just leads out of the train.

Justin: I- I do it, it pops right open.

Griffin: It does not.

[Clint laughing]

Justin: I’m pretty sure I imagined it popping open.

Griffin: It does not, in fact it seems like it has been fused shut. Somehow.

Travis: I wanna roll to punch open the door.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Man, my whole day’s about the door now.

Travis: Okay, 19.. So that’s a 23--

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: --versus the door.

Griffin: You punch this very, very, very sturdy iron door. And it does-- nothing. It doesn’t even make a sound.

Travis: I do 1d4 plus push.

Griffin [crosstalk]: You don’t do any damage!

[Clint laughing]

Travis: I d-- I do-- but it says I push it, and I wanna push it back and open.

Griffin: It pushes you back!

Travis [Russian accent]: In my country--

[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Clint: If it’s fused, then we can’t unlock it.

Travis: Well, thank you, Dad. Yes, but I wanted to punch a door. I got angry.

Clint: I know, I know, I know.

Justin: Uh, can I, uh, I wanna cast Detect Magic.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you cast Detect Magic, and--

[Clint makes lightsaber noises]

Griffin: --your--

[Clint makes “dingle dingle, wooh-ooh” noises]

Griffin: --normally-- normally when you cast this spell you can get sort of uh, uh, an idea of the magical items in the room. You can see sort of faint glowing traces around the magical items in the room. You cast this spell and your vision just goes white. Just goes blinding white, as if, like, everything is glowing. Every- everything around you is glowing.

Taako: Bad news compadres, this place is magic as hell.


Griffin: Uhh, you’re also picking up faint hints of-- the only spell that can sort of detect is the spell ghost sound? Uh, which sort of can produce a- a sound. If uh, to- to anybody who is nearby, uh, the sound is of the caster’s choosing.

Justin: [stammering] Can we-- can we see anything out the windows of the train?

Griffin: There’s no windows.

Clint: I’d like to cast Locate Object.

Griffin: Okay. On what?

Clint: Uhh, the magic wand of the uh, transporting closet.

Griffin: Okay, interesting.

Clint: And then, if it’s within a thousand feet of me-- if it’s in motion, I’ll know the direction of the motion--

Griffin: Okay. This- the-- [stammering] the rod, uh, that opens up the ports, or the pleasure chambers, uh, that you are trying to detect-- you can’t pick it up. Meaning, it is not within one thousand feet of you.

Travis: Okay, I have a theory. This is Travis, not Magnus. I think the ghost sound that we’re hearing is the sound- like- to make it seem like the train is moving. And where we are-- we’ve been transported to a fake location. That is not the actual crypt safe on the train.

Griffin: Angus says uh:

Angus: If that’s correct then this is a very unsafe room for us to be in. And I- I recommend that we move back to the dining car.
Magnus: I agree. Let’s do that.
Merle: So, Taako, usually, when we retreat, you lead the force.
Taako: I’m out!


Merle: [imitating Taako] Peace.
Taako: Peace and carrots, you guys, I’m out.

Griffin: Uhh, the--

Taako: I’m already out. Look at me I’ve got-- look at the back of me in the back of the car.

Travis: [singing] I’m aaalready theere!

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: The fun-- The f--

Taako: --back at the-- back at the other car. I’m gone.

Griffin: Uh, the f--

Taako: I’m Gonzo.

Griffin: The four of you are in the dining car now, uh, Angus has summoned Jess and Graham to the dining car, to uh, to fucking crack this thing. Wide open. That’s what he says.

Angus: It’s time to fucking crack this thing wide open!

Justin: [drowned out by Clint] Crack like a nut--

Clint: When we went back-- when we went back through that door, did we get a sense of nausea again?

Griffin: You did, yeah. Uh, as you- as you crossed through the threshold of the door, uh, you- you very briefly feel, uh, dizzy, and nauseous, uhh, but then uh, as you spend more time on that side of the door, you, it subsides. And you’re fine.

Clint: And when we look back through the open door we see.. the-- the crypt? And everything else?

Griffin: Yep. It’s uh-- it-- it-- you see the room you were just in.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, so you move into the dining car. Uhh, and.. Angus begins his, uh, speech. Uh, he actually turns to you guys and says, uh:

Angus: Do you guys, uh, do you guys want to take a stab at this first? I’ve done this a lot and it’s really exhilarating and I’d love, uh, I’d love for one of you to share this, y’know, parlor scene experience. If uh, if we have any takers.
Magnus: Okay. So, let me.. Think.

[Clint laughs]

Angus: I mean I’ve already gotten everybody sorta like-- horny for the solution.
Magnus: Well, yes, thank you.
Angus: I’ve got--
Taako: Hey- peak and back off, that’s a secret, peak and back off.
Merle: So, obviously, somebody has used the transportation closet.. to take the magic wand somewhere. Because if it’s not what th--
Magnus [crosstalk]: No, Somebody.. No, somebody has used the wand.
Taako [crosstalk]: No, no no no no. We were somewhere.
Magnus: Somebody has used the wand on the door to that.. Crypt.
Merle [crosstalk]: Ah..
Taako [crosstalk]: We were somewhere else.
Magnus: So that we can’t actually access the actual room where the crypt is because they are using Jenkins’s hands on the crypt. But now we can’t access.. the actual crypt. Instead, when we walk through the door, we’re in a, like, kind of Ocean’s Eleven fake vault location.

Griffin: Angus says, uh:

Angus: That’s exactly right! It would confirm my suspicion. Uh, watch this!

Griffin: He walks into the uh, walks right back into the cargo car with the crypt safe. Uh, and, there’s a small scrap of paper--a ticket stub-- lying on the floor. And he crinkles it up into a ball and throws it at the door, and, it seems to just sort of hit an invisible barrier at the door frame and fall to the ground. And he walks back through and says uh,

Angus: You can’t take an item from one of those pleasure rooms out of the pleasure room. So that room is almost certainly a fake. Good detective work, uh.. Whatever your name is.

[Justin laughing]

Magnus: It’s-it’s Magnus, but that’s not important right now.
Angus: Let’s--
Magnus, interrupting: So, whoever--
Merle [crosstalk]: It usually is.

Griffin: Angus says, uh:

Angus: Let’s.. Let’s talk about the murder itself. I wanna hear what you guys found about the method of the murder. How th- how this murder was executed. What- what was, uh, the cause of death for Jenkins?
Magnus: Uhm.. Beheading?
Taako: Behanding?
Angus: Yeah that-
Merle: Beburning?
Angus: No, the behead- I mean, that’s a- that one’s pretty obvious but if you guys are havin’ trouble, a thing can’t live without a head. You guys are like, keyed into that.
Magnus: Listen, we can’t get CSI out on it! We weren’t able to check lividity in time of death and shit. We saw that he didn’t have a head and there was blood everywhere. That’s the best we can do.
Angus: Uh, what-- did you notice anything else strange about the scene of the crime?
Magnus: His hands were cut off and it was two different cuts.
Angus: Yes, exactly! What could’ve possibly-- let’s- let’s identify, first of all, what could’ve possibly caused the killing blow, what could’ve possibly beheaded--
Magnus: It was Jess’s beheading axe.
Angus: Well...
Magnus: No! The crab thing.
Merle: You said it was completely clean?
Angus: It was a totally clean cut, which would, uh--
Merle: Is it possible that.. that using that transportation magic, the body was transported differently from the head?
Angus: I think you’re close! It couldn’t have been the axe because the axe is soulbound to Jess, and Jess has an alibi because she was in the room with Graham.
Magnus: If the head-
Angus: S-- But also [stammering] a, uh, a weapon of that size would’ve made a, uh, tremendous noise. And it would’ve alerted everybody on the train that the murder was taking place.
Magnus: If the head was in the pleasure room or in an alternate room, and then the magic was shut off, would that have done it?
Angus: I think that’s exactly it! And we have a clue that can confirm that. Remember when we first came to the scene of the crime there was blood on the outside of the door as well. Which makes me think that they turned up a port in that door, stuck poor Jenkins’s head through, and then shut off the port. And because the door would’ve still been open; that would explain the blood on the other side of the door.
Magnus [crosstalk]: That’s why we can’t find the head.
Angus: That’s why you can’t find the head. There was no sign of a struggle, or sound of a struggle, in that room. Which makes it simple to deduce that the victim was asleep when they were killed. But why- why the hands? That’s the problem I keep coming back to.
Magnus [crosstalk]: The hands are for the safe.
Angus: I think that’s entirely possible, although, again, Jenkins’s hands wouldn’t open the safe.
Merle: It w- it wasn’t Jenkins’s hands.
Angus: What are you saying?

[Travis gasps]

Merle: I’m s--
Magnus: J’accuse!
Taako: Oh my god.
Merle: It was the engineer.
Taako: What about- okay, but wait, I- I’m
Magnus: Jenkins is the assassin!
Taako: Jenkins.. Killed the.. Okay, listen. Okay, [Justin switches to his Taako voice mid-sentence] listen. I have a moment of lucidity and I don’t want to waste it. Jenkins..

[Travis laughs]

Taako: Jenkins killed the engineer. Took the head, so the body couldn’t be identified. Switched clothes with him, took the hands off the body, swapped the body with his clothes, and then opened the pleasure chamber into the engineer’s room so he’d kill in there. Right? So that’s how he got in the engineer’s room with the- with his wand. With his magical closet.
Merle: And then burned up the body to prevent further investigation.
Taako [crosstalk]: Burned the body to prevent further investigation.
Angus: I think you’re close! I think that-- that definitely he destroyed the body with the- with the fiery crab to keep us from figuring out that it wasn’t Jenkins. I think it-- a much simpler solution--
Taako: By the way, classic Jenkins to use a crab instead of just using a spell slot.
Magnus [crosstalk]: Oh, classic. Classic Jenkins.

[Clint laughs]

Taako: Just burn one spell slot Jenkins!

[Magnus groans]

Magnus: C’mon!
Angus [crosstalk]: If we’re- If we’re 100% accurate on this, I think we need to be a lot more, uh, respectful of Jenkins’s magical potence.

[Clint laughs]

Magnus [crosstalk]: Naah, Jenkins is a real weiner.
Taako [crosstalk]: I would sooner die!
Angus: I think - it - a much easier method for him to access the engine car is when he took a drink service in there!
Merle: Ohhh! Drink service...
Taako: Ohh, well I liked mine better, but that’s fine.
Merle: I’m glad you’re contributing, Angus.
Taako: I’m also glad the engineer is drinking.

Travis: He’s still in there! Cause when we talked to the engineer, the engineer answered.

Angus: The engineer answered through the audio device above the door which could have easily just been ghost trick, it coulda been a ghost sound… it coulda been any number of spells.
Magnus: --Cool, so where is Jenkins now?
Angus: This is a very curious, curious question: Remember when we were talking in my sleeper car?
Magnus: Yeah?
Angus: About how- and I revealed my true identity and you guys revealed your true identities?
Magnus: Yeah, we all grew closer as friends.

Griffin: And- and Jess says,

Jess: What are you talking about?

Griffin: Uh, and Angus says,

Angus: [hurriedly] Oh, I’m the world’s greatest detective. Anyway--um, you remember, before the murder? Before any of this even happened, we were interrupted by the sound of somebody moving past the sleeper car towards the back of the car. If Jess and Graham were in the front of the car, the engineer was already dead, who--

Travis: We’ll call him Gingineer--

Angus: If the --he, he had a name…! And it was… Hu-Hudson.

Clint: Hudson!

Justin: Hudson Hawk!

Angus: [overlapping] Remember all those great Hudson - remember all those great Hudson Hawk goofs?

[Justin snorting]

Justin: [half laughing] I’ll never forget them.

Angus: If Hudson was already killed, and Jess and Graham were in the front of the car, and the four of us were in my sleeper car, who was that moving towards the back of the car, and where are they?
Magnus: J-Jenk, is it Jenkins?
Angus: Yeah, I mean, yes.

[Clint laughs]

Magnus: So Jenkins is in the actual final car…
Taako: Jenkins is in the real... with the real crypt… in the real room.
Magnus: All right.

Travis: I point at Jess and I say,

Magnus: Summon that soulbound axe, we’re gonna hack our way through a wall.

Griffin: Uh, she says uh,

Jess: I uh, I’m not gonna break my axe tryin’ to chop through a train…
Magnus: It’s a soulbound magical axe, you coward!
Jess: Yeah, but soulbound shit can like, break! And then I’ll have this shitty--
Magnus: [overlapping, mocking] Ohh but soulbound shit can breaaak. I’m scaaared.
Jess: I’ll have this shitty broken axe soulbound to me. And I - the de-soulbinding procedure is really painful, so I’m not gonna go through that--

Justin: --so wait, so, he went in the engineer’s car for drink service, killed the engineer, used the wand to open up a port… from... The engineer’s car to… the safe room, right? To the crypt?

Travis: No, he used it to open up to the dining car thing so he could decapitate the body and do all that stuff.

Angus: What I’m finding curious--

Griffin: Angus says,

Angus: --is why he didn’t just kill the engineer in the engine car, cut off his hands in the engine car, and take his hands to the crypt? To the cargo car! Before--
Magnus: Because he had to alleviate suspicion from Jenkins.
Angus: I think that’s right, he had to -- whenever this job is done, he doesn’t want anybody looking for him. And it’s a lot easier to escape and- and start a new life as a corpse than as a criminal.

Travis: Well it’s hard to start a new life as a corpse…

Angus: I think-- I have a theory--

Travis: [overlapping] Cause you’re dead… you can’t get ar- you can’t get around, you can’t get out a lot--

Clint: It hadn’t stopped iZombie!

Justin: It’s true…

Angus: I have a theory, I have a theory for how the corpse found its way into the space between the passenger and the sleeper cars--
Magnus: Well somebody probably helped it. Cause it’s… it’s just a corpse. [Clint snorts] I was just sayin’, like when you’re a corpse, you can’t--
Merle: Let’s hear your theory, little man!
Angus: Does anybody else want to take a stab at it?
Taako: Oh, well we’ve--well, we’ve had such a good hit-rate so far!

[Clint chuckles]

Taako: Well, maybe the… [holding back laughter as he talks] the weird crab carried it…? On its back…? [snorting restrained laughter]
Magnus: It was on the drink cart.
Angus: In the drink cart!

Griffin: Angus says,

Angus: Eureka! Bazi- Bazinga!
Magnus: Shut up! [laughing as he talks] [overlapping with Angus] You already knew the answer Ang-Angus, I don’t need-I don’t need your pity!
Angus: No! I’m just - I’m very proud of the three of you. You’ve been much more competent than anybody on earth would have ever thought.
Taako: Oh th-thank you!
Merle: Well, wait til you get to know us.
Taako: Yeah, we, we blew up a whole city once.
Merle: Sh-sh-shhh!!

Griffin: Uh, he uh, he walks over to the three of you and starts whispering,

Angus: What I don’t understand is, if Jenkins was also the killer of Leeman Kessler, how does he know about this item that I can’t hear and apparently nobody seems to know about except the three of you?
Magnus: Is he a member of the Bureau of Balance?
Angus: Is he a…? You just static-ed out right there.
Magnus: Oh, the [static noise] That’s not for you.
Angus: Okay.
Magnus: I’m- I’m asking like, my compatriots.
Taako: Well, um, could we, uh, could we use the [static noise]?
Magnus: Oh, oh! You know who we need?

Travis: Push a button.

Griffin: You’re on a train underground. There’s no response.

Travis: She can find us!

Griffin: [laughing] She’s uh, what’s she gonna-- how she gonna do that?

Travis: Magic, Griffin! How do dragons exist? Just make it happen, DM!

Griffin: Uh, no, it does not happen. You guys are on your own. No- no deus ex machina.

Taako: He’s gotta be a member of the Bureau, it’s the only thing that makes sense.

Griffin: Uh, Angus says, uh,

Angus: The really tricky part is how we’re gonna be able to get to Jenkins before we arrive in Neverwinter.

Griffin: He points at Graham.

Angus: Graham, how long do we have? Until we arrive?

Griffin: Graham pulls out a stopwatch from his uh, pocket, or a pocket watch, not a stopwatch--

Clint: His Juicy robe.

Griffin: He reaches into his Juicy robe and pulls out a pocket watch. Uh, and uh, pops it open and looks at it and says,

Graham: Uh, about uh, 25 minutes!

Griffin: And uh, Angus says,

Angus: We don’t have very long!
Magnus: About 25 minutes, yeah, we- we just heard him.
Angus: Okay…

Clint: I’d like to-- may I cast Locate Object again?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: I cast Locate Object again.

Griffin: On the same rod?

Clint: Yep.

Griffin: Uh, this time you get a ping towards the back of the train, in the cargo car.

Travis: So it confirms!

Magnus: I have a question for boy detective.
Angus: Yeah, shoot!
Magnus: So the rule of ‘you can’t bring items back from the pleasure chamber’--
Angus: Yeah?
Magnus: What happens if we could successfully bring an item back?
Angus: You can’t!
Magnus: Would it dis- would it disrupt the magic?
Angus: It wouldn’t do anything to the magic. It just wouldn’t go through.
Magnus: How do we disrupt the magic?
Angus: Either by stopping the caster from- from channelling the spell or destroying the item that’s channelling the spell.

[Clint laughing evilly]

Clint: Killin’! Ha ha ha ha!

Travis: Well, but we gotta get to him first.

Clint: [disappointed] Oh, yeah…

Angus: We do--
Taako: Wait wait w-w-w-wait! Are there windows on the- the- the crypt car?
Angus: There are no windows in the crypt car. There’s only the caboose door.
Taako: [hisses softly, then pauses.] Son of a bitch.
Magnus: Is the wall punchable?
Taako: Are there windows on the cars next to it?
Angus: Uh, there’s a door, uh, before the dining car--
Magnus: Yes, but you were saying there’s a door at the back of the cargo car, and in the fake train, it’s fused shut.
Angus: Right, I suspect that’s because pleasure chambers can only have one entrance.
Magnus: So if we were able to get around to that door, from the outside of the car…
Taako: How sturdy are the walls of the train?
Angus: It’s a train… so… pretty sturdy!
Taako: Fairly sturdy, right?
Angus: I would say- I would say they’re about, uh, in terms of sturdiness, they’re about, uh, train-level, which is to say- [starts laughing]

Justin: [laughing] ‘Train-level of sturdiness’--

Angus: Pretty sturdy.

Clint: In a locomotive sense--

Taako: Here’s what I’m-- here’s what I’m-- here’s what-- lemme put forth a theory I’m thinking about: What if, we were to go back into the dining car, put Mag-- I- I cast Levitate on Magnus, put him out a window, and he goes and knocks out the side of the cargo car?
Magnus: Or the door.
Merle: Or all the way to the back and come through--
Magnus: That’s what I’m sayin’.
Taako: Or go through the back of the caboose. Either way, if I levitate him and put him out the back of the train, then he could get around to the back or the side and look for another way in.
Angus: And then he’d have to...take down Jenkins on his own?
Magnus: Yes.
Angus: That seems pretty dangerous.
Taako: Well, no! All he has to do really is distract Jenkins long enough to bring down the port. We have the Far Stone, right? So we can use the stone to keep in contact. And as soon as he brings the port down, we can go in, and take Jenkins to Brown Town!

[Clint wheezes]

Magnus: Here’s what we’re gonna do--
Taako: And! And here’s the good new-- The best news is: there’s no way he’s gonna use any spells on us! We know how finicky he is about conserving his slots.
Angus: Again, I have to stress this, I think his- his uh, incompetence may have been a ruse, and if you try to step to him, you may get got.
Taako: Hey, Angus, you’re the world’s smartest kid, have you ever heard of a man named Magic Brian? [Clint giggles]
Angus: I can’t-- you just static-ed out for me.
Magnus: Exactly!
Taako: Exactly!
Magnus: Let me make- let me make one addendum to your plan, here, uh, uh, Taako.
Taako: Okay!
Magnus: Cast Levitate specifically on my magic jumping boots.
Taako: Okay, great.
Magnus: So that way I’m not, like, at the mercy of being levitated and moving around.
Taako: Ohhh, I love it. It’s delectable, let’s do it!
Magnus: Magnus is so on board with this plan.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And that was Magnus speaking, that was not Travis speaking, that was Magnus speaking in third person.

Justin: You gotta get character voices.

Travis: [in a painfully poor Queen’s English bravado] Magnus is on board with this plan! Ha ha ha!

Justin: Just that, that aren’t, that don’t sound like death and sadness, mixed together in a pudding.

Travis: I think maybe Magnus has a... Spanish accent.

Griffin: Oh God, no he doesn’t!

Taako: Oh good! Good! Excellent!

[Clint cackling]

Travis: And I, I think I’ve been doing it up to this point.

Griffin: Yeah and it’s been flawless.

Travis: Thank you!

Clint: I, before we do this plan--

Justin: Wait, okay, how many spell slots do you have, old bean?

Clint: What?!

Justin: Of your, of your, you’ve already burnt two on your Locate Object. Have you not - what about your Zones of Truth?

Clint: That was last adventure!

Justin: [overlapping with Griffin] No way! You’re not rested!

Griffin: No, I think you might be - you are fresh out of magic, my dude.

Justin: You’re magicked out! I’m sorry to have to be the DM for you but--

Travis: Plus, we’ve talked about this plan eight ways to Sunday. Let’s just do it!

Griffin: Let’s just get, get busy! Get busy livin’, or get busy -- you will die. You’re gonna die.

[Musical interlude and commercial break]


Griffin: You are all gathered around a table, in the dining car, uh, where Graham has unfurled a map of the train route. And he’s poin--

Travis: [overlapping with Griffin] I thought you were going to say of the train- it’s just a straight line.

Griffin: Uh, and he has pointed out one part of the route. And he says, uh--

Clint: Shouldn’t there be some really cool music playing in the background? Like, like- like the Ocean’s Eleven ‘wa-wa-wa-wa’? [Continues to imitate the Ocean’s Eleven theme]

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: I’m sure. Griffin will add it in post, I’m sure.

Angus: There’s a brief gap between the Teeth, where we will have a--
Magnus: They call it the Letterman Gap.

Griffin: [laughing] He says, uh, yes.

Graham: It goes over, it’s a suspended rail line over a, uh, a lush basin. Over - called Letterman’s Basin. And, uh, at the speed that the train’s moving now, you’ll have about 90 seconds exposed--
Magnus: Okay!
Graham: --uh, where we-- where we won’t be inside the mountain and that’s gonna be your best opportunity to get around. You’ll have to move around two cars: you’ll have to move around the dining car and get to the back of the- the cargo car if you want to pull this off.

Griffin: He says,

Graham: Are you sure you wanna go solo on this- on this journey?
Magnus: Yeah.

Clint: By any chance, is Magnus a Chinese acrobat?

Travis: Well, lemme look, lemme look at my character sheet. Oh! Look! Says it right there! ‘Chinese Acrobat!’ Sure enough!

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: A Chinese acrobat with a perfect Spanish accent.

Travis: Sure enough!

Griffin: He’s the great--

Travis: Alright, I’m ready to go! Vaya con Dios, my friends.

Griffin: He’s the great American, uh, melting pot. Uh, uh, Graham hands you a… small bean.

[beat, everyone busts up laughing]

Clint: Is it a magic bean?

Griffin: Are you surprised? Uh, Graham says, uh,

Graham: When I heard you talking about your plan, I thought that maybe I could help out by alchemising this delicious bean for you. Uh, if you pop--

Clint: Guuuulp!

Graham: If you pop this into your mouth, you’ll become extremely heavy. So uh, don’t use it if you’re on the side of the train, but if it looks like you’re uh, if something- something bad is about to happen, you’re about to go flying off the train, if you take this, you might be able to sorta drop yourself back onto it. Uh, but- but, just hold onto it.
Magnus: Okay.

Clint: Graham, master of foreshadowing.

Griffin: Uh, and uh, he pops open the uh, the dining car door. And uh, it’s pitch black, you’re still inside the mountain. Uh, Graham says, uh,

[Clint starts making steam train noises]

Graham: We’ll be outside in 10 seconds. Uh, do you have anything you wanna say to your teammates? Any last words?

[Clint continues making train noises]

Magnus: Don’t touch my stuff.
Taako: I need to cast levitate! Your shit isn’t levitated yet.
Merle: Yeah. And I need to cast jack-shit!
Taako: Yeah, that’s right, magic boy! Stop- stop zone-truthing everybody.
Magnus: Have a-- have a little bit of faith in humanity!
Taako: Are you braced there, Mario? You ready to go?

[Griffin starts laughing]

Magnus: Is-- Yes.
Taako: All right boy who can fly. AND you’re levitating!

[Griffin laughing]

Griffin: Okay I was waiting for a sound effect.

Taako: Yeah, there is no sound effect for levitate--

[Clint makes whistling foley work that sounds like something levitating]

Justin: [still slightly in Taako’s voice] Dad’s just whistling. I don’t know.

Taako: There is no sound effect for levitation, everybody knows that, that’s the first thing you learn in Wizard School.

[Clint continues making different whistling noises for levitation]

Taako: He’s just doing weird 1940s foley work for like a tornado or something.

Griffin: Magnus you are, uh, suddenly, you- you have this weird sorta sensation, it takes you awhile to get used to staying upright with just your boots levitating and- and nothing else going. Uh, but you’re kinda, uh, Marty McFly in Back to the Future: Part II.

Travis: YES! Yes I am, Griffin!

Griffin: Just, just sort of, uh, hovering off the ground, just sort of waving your arms in the air to try and stay upright, and as you are figuring out this balancing act, uh, the- the-- all of you are blinded as the train exits the, uh, the mountain and you see, uh, a, uh, rickety sort of suspended rail bridge, uh, underneath you and then about 150 feet below, uh, you see a lush forested area. And Graham says,

Graham: Go!

Travis: [overlapping] I get rea- I get real caught up by the view and spend about 2 minutes looking at it.

Griffin: Okay, you’re back inside the mountain--

Travis: --Oh no!--

Justin: --Dun, dun, dunnnnn--

Travis: No, I go out the window!

Griffin: Okay, you go, uh--Well, it’s a door.

Travis: I go out the door.

Griffin: Uh, okay, Graham clicks down a button on his, uh, pocket watch and uh, yells:

Graham: Go!

Griffin: So what are you, what are you… what are you doing? Explain to me what’s-- what you’re doing.

Travis: Uh, that’s such a good question! Can you describe to me what I’m looking at, first? This is in zero time. This is like bullet-time.

Griffin: Okay you’re in bullet-time. There’s-- there’s two train cars that you have to get past: the dining car and the cargo car.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: That’s-- that’s what you are looking at. The uh, dining car has uh, a few small windows on it that maybe you could use as hand grips? But if you are looking for me to tell you how you are about to pull off this incredible acrobatic feat, uh, I-- that’s not my job, I just created the situation.

Travis: Well, I have one risky idea.

Justin: That sounds good!

Travis: And that is: I don’t have to do anything but let go and then grab on again.

Clint: Oooooh!

Travis: Cause the train’s moving!

Clint: Ohhhhh!

Travis: It’s just a matter of timing. That if I can grab, y’know, the back of the train, then I don’t have to do shit. But that would require probably an immense dexterity roll.

Griffin: Yeah, and if you fail this... I’ll kill you.

[all laugh]

Griffin: [overlapping] You’ll suffer--

Clint: [overlapping] He will not hesitate.

Griffin: Listen, baby, risk-- risk and reward! If you do it, it’ll be fuckin’ rad! If you don’t do it, I-- you’ll die, and you’ll have to start a new character!

Travis: I’m gonna -- Can I retcon that I’ve tied my rope off to something in the car?

Griffin: What have you tied it off to?

Travis: I dunno, one of the tables in the dining car?

Griffin: M’kay.

Clint: Well, we could hold the other end of the rope--

Taako: [overlapping] Eh, well, that seems like a lotta work--

Travis: [overlapping]: I don’t trust you fuckers!

Taako: What if- what if I get bored?

[Clint laughs]

Travis: See!

Griffin: All right, so you’ve tied a rope to, what?

Travis: A-- One of the tables in the dining car.

Griffin: Okay, and you’ve secured it around your waist?

Travis: No, I’m just holding onto it. Like I’m rappelling down the side of the train. I’m gonna slacken my grip a little bit to slide down the rope.

Griffin: Okay I see so the rope is like, uh, uh--

Justin: --He’s just like sideways rappelling.

Griffin: Like a streamer coming off the train, uh, going- going behind it, and you are just slowly scootching your way down it.

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: Okay so you are sideways rappelling down the length of the train. Uhh. Moving down past the dining car, uh, the cargo car that you are now next to is… uh, kind of almost perfectly smooth like a bullet. Uh--

Travis: Perfectly smooth like a butt.

Griffin: You are successfully navigating the length of, uh, of the train. Uh, and you make it, uh, past the cargo car to the caboose door - there’s like a small platform, uh, at the back of the door uh, with a, y’know- a- a small step going up to it, off the back of the car. Um. And standing on that platform is a giant brute of a monster.

Travis: Excellent.

Griffin: Uh, skinless, made of meat. Uh, he is- he is gargantuan, sorta the Hulk size, but he has a very very small hand, very small left hand, uh, that smells very bad.

[Travis gasps]

Griffin: Very very stinky, small, left hand. Uh, and you stop to admire him as you are sideways, uh, rappelling down the side of the train--

Travis: Is it the-- is that the conductor?

Griffin: Uhh, and as you say that, ‘Is that the conductor?’ This, uh, brutish monster rears back, and punches you in the sternum.

Travis: Okay. Ow.

[rolling dice]

Griffin: He rolls a 21.

Travis: Well, yeah, then!

Clint: [laughing nervously] This is not gonna be good…

Travis: No it’s all right, yo.

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: And he hits you for 16 points of damage.

Travis: Wow!

Griffin: And as he clocks you, uh, you, uh, uh, need to roll a dexterity saving throw to make sure you, uh, don’t let go of the rope.

Travis: Well I don’t.

Clint: Would that--

Travis: Just trust me, I don’t.

Clint: Wouldn’t that be a strength roll?

[sound of dice rolling]

Travis: That is… I rolled a 19.

Griffin: A 19, okay. So you do manage to uh, get, uh, to stay holding onto the rope, uh, but this punch sort of just like, like you’re on a tire swing--

Travis: That’s great! Have we--

Griffin: Pushes you backwards uh, and--

Travis: Let me ask you this, Griffy.

Griffin: Yes?

Travis: How far are we away from re-entering the tunnel?

Griffin: Uh, you can yell to Graham to try to get an estimate--

Travis: I mean, I can’t see it?

Griffin: Uh, you, you, you’re about -- actually, as you get, uh, swung away from the train, you see that you are about one third, uh, of the way there.

Travis: Okay so like second-wise could you estimate?

Griffin: Uh, 60 seconds.

Travis: Cool. Okay, well, I-- so now I’m just kinda like flying off the train, right?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you are, you are no longer-- before, the rope was sorta flush with the train’s wall and you had sorta perfect control, uh, on it as you were repelling down. Now you are just sort of holding on for dear life as this rope sort of swings around. Uh, you are no longer like level with the train, you’re like a bit above it now?

Travis: Perfect.

Griffin: Ummm, but yeah.

Travis: I’m going to wait 59 seconds.

Griffin: Okay...

Travis: Listen, cause this is gonna be physics and it’s awesome: as we go into the tunnel and the rope starts to compress back against the train, just before it gets to me, I take the bean and basically become a wrecking ball and smash into the brute at the back of the train.

[Justin cackling, Clint snorting]

Travis: Listen! Don’t give me the bean if you don’t want me to use the bean!

Griffin: Okay. So you are holding onto the rope with one hand?

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: So you are flying above the train. You are waiting. Uh, you have waited 59 seconds, the train has started to move back into the tunnel [rolls dice]. As the uh, uh, uh, dining car moves into the train, it, uh, begins to pull the rope back in towards the train, and you pop this heaviness bean in your mouth?

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Okay, and from your position above the train, you get super duper heavy and begin to fall directly behind the train, the rope catches on the roof and... you are going to make a really cool acrobatics check...

Travis: Yes I am!

Griffin: If you’re going to do this thing.

Travis: Yes!

Griffin: Because I shoulda just killed you on the side of a tunnel.

[Clint cackling]

[sound of rolling dice]

Travis: Sweet. 17… that’s a 19.

Griffin: 19. Okay, uh, you come down on this thing hard. Uh, you- you manage to get him with, like, your curled up knees, sorta Tony Jaa style. Uh, which, uh, hits him for, we’ll say… [makes a wet fart noise] You came in pretty hard and you’re really heavy so we’ll say, uh, 2d8 damage.

Travis: That’s this one… [sound of dice rolling twice] That’s 14.

Griffin: Uh, you knock this- this meat monster uh, with uh, the hand of the engineer, through the door, you see him, uh, collide with Jenkins, uh, who is bent over on the floor digging through items that he has apparently pulled off of the crypt safe, which is uh--pulled out of the crypt safe, I should say. Uh, which has been popped open and there you see another meat monster uh, with another very small hand, uh, with his hand firmly planted on the crypt safe.

Travis: Can I see Treesplitter?

Griffin: Uh, Railsplitter.

Travis: Railsplitter.

Griffin: Uh--

Travis: I call him Treesplitter. It’s my- it’s my pet name for him.

Griffin: You do. You see it on the ground behind, uh, Jenkins. On the- the- the ground close to the front door. Uh, and through that front door you can actually see your party, uh, in the dining car. Yeah, you knock this meat monster back into Jenkins, uh, who is on the ground. He’s holding a shitty metallic compass in his hand and sorta poring over all of the items on the ground. When this meat monster collides with him, he uh, falls over, the silver uh, the- the silver rod he was using to channel the ports, uh, flies out of his grip, and uh, and Merle and Taako you can see this scene now through the door of the cargo car. He looks up at you with a start, and he goes,

Jenkins: What the fuck?

Griffin: Uh, and uh, we’re gonna get into combat, but I’m going give you a surprise round on him since this was all very, very surprising.

Travis: I wanna spit out the bean and jump across the room.

Griffin: [half laughing] Okay. Uh, you--

Travis: That way I can be on the same side as my party and Railsplitter.

Griffin: Okay. You spit out the bean, uh, making you float again, uh, with your magic jumping boots, uh, position yourself against a wall and just, like, sort of--

Travis: Just to be clear, like I spit it back in my hand, I didn’t just like, spit it out--

Griffin: Yeah ‘cause maybe you wanna- maybe you wanna be heavy again. At some point.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh, you just sort of missile launch yourself across the room, uh, and you’re going to… punch Jenkins? Or what are you doing?

Travis: [laughing as he speaks] No! I just wanna - can I jump across the room, punch him-- or just give him the finger as I fly by.

Griffin: Okay, you fly by-- as you float effortlessly through the room over the meat monster, uh, you flip him the bird, and now you’re on the other end of the room, uh, and uh, that’s gonna do it for your surprise round. We need to roll initiative.

[sound of dice rolling]

Justin: 5.

Travis: I rolled a 9.

Clint: 13.

Travis: That’s a good spread, guys. Now Griffin, my question is: Are Jess and Graham and Angus backing us up, and will you be playing 3 NPCs versus 3 NPCs?

[Justin quietly laughing]

Griffin: [slightly grimaced] Depends on how quickly you guys can all kill ‘em.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, first in the order are the two meat monsters.

Travis: Cool.

Justin: Great.

Griffin: Uh, and the first one, uh, is the one that you knee’d in the chest, who stands up, uh, and trudges his way over to, uh, where--

Travis: Now, isn’t standing up a move action, Griffin?

Griffin: No. It takes half your- it takes half your move.

Travis: Oh.

Griffin: Don’t tell- don’t tell me the rules of Dungeons and Dragons, please!

[Justin snorts]

Griffin: Uh, he stands up and uh, trudges over to you, and uses his big fist - not his little stinky fist.

Travis: Mm.

Griffin: Uh, to, uh, just sort of overhead hammerstrike you.

[rolls dice]

Griffin: That’s a 24.

Travis: Jesus! Yeah, no, that’s a hit. That’s a solid hit.

[sound of rolling dice]

Griffin: Uh, and that is 13 points of damage.

Travis: Phew. All right, I’m in a bad way.

Griffin: Uh, and the other one takes his, uh, tiny, uh, hand off of the crypt-safe, uh, and trudges towards you, and uh, comes at you sort of uh, a, uh, chop from the side.

[clattering of dice]

Griffin: Rolls a 19.

Travis: I mean, yeah, that hits.

[Griffin rolls dice again]

Griffin: Uh, that’s 11 damage.

[Justin stifles bewildered laughter]

Travis: Okay. I’m down to 1.

Griffin: Okay! That’s it for the meat monsters. Uh, next in the order is… Merle?

Clint: Okay, so if he has one I cannot cast - Spare the Dying - that’s a cantrip, well, then, uh, I’m gonna use my warhammer on the uh--

Griffin: You, okay, so many things. You don’t have the warhammer. You’re not in the room!

Clint: Yup. You’re right!

[Griffin laughs, after a second, Justin does too]

Clint: I will move forward into the car.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: And cast Sacred Flame on the wounded meat monster.

Griffin: Okay, uh… yeah. Go for it. Oh, I have to roll.

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, he rolled an 11 s-- against your spell casting modifier which is… higher than that.

Clint: One d8 radiant damage.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: Aw, man, y’know I really wish that… when I was getting punched a bunch, I remembered that I had a bunch of skills I could use to avoid taking damage! Ohh, maybe next time!

Clint: Punched a bunch! I like ‘punched a bunch’!

[sound of clattering dice and glass]

Clint: Uh, okay so that’s 5.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Plus one for the holy symbol right? For the Extreme Teen Bible?

Griffin: Uh, yes. Uh, and you’re gonna do bonus damage ‘cause these things are undead! [reading from the D&D manual] ‘Vulnerability, uh, to a damage type means damage of that type is doubled against it.’ Uh, so you blast this thing with radiant light.

Justin: What, what does that even mean?

Griffin: Uh, you’ve destroyed it.

Justin: Okay good yeah, that’s, good, excellent.

Clint: Yay me! Win!

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is… Magnus.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: You are standing in this room, uh, ya got one meat monster left, uh, Jenkins has, uh, stood up, uh, and rolled poorly on his initiative so he hasn’t taken any actions. Uh, he says,

Jenkins: [Griffin struggling through different voices; they are all low, slow, vaguely British drawls] Uh, how, how, How did you-- how [clears throat]

Griffin: It’s gonna take me awhile to get back into Jenkins! I was so excited when he died, that I wouldn’t have to do it anymore.

[Travis laughs]

Clint: And then he proved to be so popular!

Griffin: I know.

Jenkins: How could you-- how could you have possibly seen through my-- my perfect crime?
Magnus: Because you’re not a very good wizard.
Jenkins: I’m the best wizard any--
Magnus: You’re a weiner.
Jenkins: You-- you-- I hate you all so much.

[Taako snorting]

Magnus: [overlapping] You’re a weiner, Jenkins!
Jenkins: I hate you all--
Magnus: [overlapping] More like ‘Wankins’
Jenkins: I hate you all so much.
Magnus: I’m gonna call you Wankins from now on.
Jenkins: My name is not Wankins.

[Travis busts up laughing]

Merle: Dinkins! How about Dinkins?
Magnus: Dinkins is pretty good! What about Jerkins?
Merle: [tauntingly] Dinkins!
Magnus: I like Jerkins!
Jenkins: I’m going to kill everyone on this train, and then I’m going bring you all back to life again, and then I’m going to kill you again.
Magnus: More like Junkins.
Jenkins: This is--
Merle: That would take another spell slot!

[Justin giggles]

Griffin: Um, next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: I wanna pick up Railsplitter. How do I do that?

Griffin: You... do it.

Travis: Okay. I pick up Railsplitter.

Clint: But bend from the knees! Bend from the knees, not from the waist!

Travis: And I wanna pop the bean back in my mouth.

Griffin: Okay, you pop the bean back in your mouth, you’re very heavy.

Travis: How close am I to the, um, to the meat monster?

Griffin: He’s right- he’s right up on you, he just punched you.

Travis: Great. I want to swing my axe at his head two-handed.

Griffin: Okay.

[sound of dice rolling]

Travis: That is… 22? 22.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And then--

Griffin: --Yes, sufficient.

Travis: One d10 plus 6. This is a d10...

[rolls dice]

Travis: That is a 10. Sixteen damage.

Griffin: Okay, woof. He is bloodied.

Travis: And now… I want to step backwards… [he starts laughing]

Griffin: Uh...

Clint: But you’re… heavy…

Griffin: If you do that, you’re gonna take an opportunity attack.

Travis: Well, I don’t want that...

Griffin: No, who would! It’s a big meat monster!

Travis: But if I don’t get away from him, I’ll die! No, I’ll still step back.

Griffin: M’kay.

Travis: It’s important to me to get away from him, I have one point of damage.

Griffin: Okay you’re gonna take an opportunity attack, are you, are you ready for the opportunity attack?

Travis: Lemme brace myself. [makes intense groaning, bracing noise]

Griffin: Okay.

[rolls dice]

Griffin: Uh, 18.

Travis: Aww, man! It just hits.

Griffin: Oookay! It’s gonna be more than one.

Travis: Well!

Griffin: That’s a- that’s a guaran-goddamn-tee.

[Travis laughs and snorts]

Taako: I think the real take-away here is thi--

[sound of rolling dice]

Taako: --Thi- this step back has betrayed a real lack of faith in my ability to kill that monster.

Griffin: Uhh, that’s 10 points of damage.

Justin: Woof.

Travis: Woa. Okay, hold on. Hold on.

[Griffin laughing]

Merle: I guess when you fly solo that happens sometimes…
Taako: Yeahh, maybe shoulda let your boy Taakooo…
Merle: Yeeaahh, maybe how about it, genius, we’re not all that bad!
Magnus: [overlapping Merle] Yeah, that’s great coming from a cleric who expended all of his spell slots to heal me doing weird shit earlier.
Merle: Ohhh, well, you’re the dead guy.

Griffin: Here’s a Zone of Truth: You’re dead.

Travis: So I’m going to use Parry - use reaction dice - to reduce damage by the dice plus my dexterity.

Griffin: Okay.

[rolling dice]

Travis: That is 8, plus my dexterity is, 10.

Griffin: Your dexterity is 10?!

Travis: No, my dexterity is 2.

Griffin: Oh!

Travis: But plus my dexterity, is 10.

Griffin: Okay, so you, do you get a counter attack?

Travis: Uh, no, not with Parry, I only get that with Riposte when it’s missed.

Griffin: Okay, uh, he brings his meaty fist down on you, uh, and you, effortlessly, like the water, move around it. Uh, and now you can move!

Travis: Okay, I’m gonna- I’m gonna get back with the rest of my party.

Griffin: Okay! You’re back there! Uh, next in the order is Taako.

Justin: I’m gonna cast Ray of Frost - I know that’s boring - on the um, on the monster that’s already taken some damage.

Griffin: Okay. You’re, you’re still outside of the train, in the space between cars.

Justin: Okay, well I came, I came within 30 feet of…

Griffin: O-- okay, he was right by the door, so you can, you can shoot ‘em through it.

Justin: Perfect. I’ll just cast through it. Uh… 22.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, that’s a hit.

Travis: Nice!

Justin: ‘Kay. And then it does… [rolling dice] 6 damage.

Griffin: Uh, okay cool, he is very very bad off. Uh, next in the order is Jenkins, who, uh, surveys the scene. Uh, he- he drops his, this compass he was using and his uh, uh, silvery port s-- rod thing. Uh, and he leverages his wand and points it at the meat monster. And he says,

Jenkins: Okayy, I see I’m outnumbered and out-axed. Uh. I am a big enough man to admit defeat, so here is the deal I will make everybody on this train:

Griffin: Uh, he says uh,

Jenkins: This meat monster is equipped with one of Hudson’s hands. I grew this monster out of Hudson’s hand. Uh, and if he is destroyed, like the other one you just killed, then the hand will be lost, and we will have no way of getting back into the engine car to slow down the train before it arrives in Neverwinter in...

Griffin: He uh, he looks at his- his pocket watch. Apparently everybody has those. He says uh,

Jenkins: In about 10 minutes. So. Everybody is going to back off, and shut the door to this car, leave me to find my treasure, and uh, we’ll- we’ll be able to stop this train in time! What do you say?

Travis: Magnus turns to Taako and says,

Magnus: Hey, do you think you could figure out that port wand thing?
Taako: Absolutely. (not.) Probably.
Magnus: Okay cool!
Taako: Prooobablyyyy.
Magnus: Good enough for me! We don’t need a hand.

Griffin: Jenk-- Jenkins says, uh,

Jenkins: No takers, huh?
Taako: No thanks, uh Papa.
Magnus: Go fuck yourself, Wankins.
Taako: Go f-- yeah, wh- what he said! But like, imagine me saying it too, but angrier!
Magnus: Like, simultaneously, like a Greek chorus!

Griffin: He says, uh,

Jenkins: Well, okay!

Griffin: Uh, and he points his wand at the meat monster and a bolt of fiery flame shoots out of it. Uhhh,

[rolls dice]

Griffin: And he rolled a 2. And uh, misses the meat monster by a country mile!

[Travis laughs]

Taako: The worst!

Griffin: Uhh, and uh, with that, it’s back to the top of the order! [laughing] Uh, which is, the meat monster [Justin laughs]. Which, uh, trudges over to Jenkins, uh, picks him up by the throat, and throws him off the back of the, uh, open caboose door. And Jenkins… [rolls dice, scoffs] rolls an 8 on his dexterity saving throw. And you don’t see Jenkins anymore, he is gone, he has been deposited out of the back of the train. You hear him go:

Jenkins: Smell ya laterrrrrrrrrrrr

Clint: I’ll uh, then I guess I’ll cast Sacred Flame again at the meat monster.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: Wh- hold on. Wait a minute! Did we just lose the wand?

Griffin: No. He set it down.

Justin: Okay. All right.

[rolling dice]

Griffin: Uh, the meat monster rolls a 8. Which is not good enough.

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: 6.

Griffin: Uh, 6 so that’s 12 damage. Uh, he is… reduced to ash as well. And he floats out the back of the open car door.

Travis: Finally free to go to heaven.

Griffin: Well, no, meat monsters don’t go to heaven.

Travis: Wow, Griffin!

Clint: All meat monsters go to heaven.

Justin: [simultaneously] All meat mon--that’s my favourite Don Bluth movie.

Clint: Mhm, yeah.

Justin: All Meat Monsters Go to Heaven.

Clint: And Burt Reynolds.

Travis: And Don Bluth is my favourite Arrested Development character

Griffin: Uh, let’s stop there.

Travis: Ahahaha! On that solid goof!

[outro music plays]

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