Balance – Episode 14: Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Five/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…

Angus: My name is Angus McDonald, but I am the world’s greatest detective!

Griffin: He says.

Travis: I roll my eyes.

Angus: ...Okay!


Angus: I have reason to believe that the serial killer, the Rockport Slayer, is somewhere aboard this train.

Griffin: You hear a high-pitched shriek. [shrieking] Aieee! Lying on the floor you see a body wearing robes… it has been beheaded.

[Travis gasps.]

Griffin: Both of his hands are missing and it has a shimmering rainbow bowtie.

[Others freaking out in the background.]

Travis: We should have appreciated him while he was alive!

Griffin: Suddenly, a figure starts to take shape on the ceiling.  The three of you follow Angus into the passenger car. You feel a uh, burst of hot air.  The door behind you just blasts open, that fiery crab monster lurches through.

Justin: I cast levitate on the crab.

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: Uh, okay?

Travis: I’m gonna step up and Phantom Fist it out a window.

Griffin: He gets pushed out the window.  He gets, uh, scraped up against the side of the tunnel and train. He’s not outside of the car for very long when you see another burst of flame and he sort of rocket-propels himself back into the train about two cars down.

Travis [interrupting]: Now hold on! Now—

Announcer: Can our heroes solve the greatest mystery of all? Love? Also murder? Let’s find out in The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]


Griffin: Uh, so you just, uh, knocked this crab out the window and grinded it down a little bit, and it uh, rocketed itself back into the car a couple cars down and you are running towards it?

Travis: Yes.

Taako: I did my part, I’m gonna chill here.

Griffin: Okay, so Taako taps out, uh—

Magnus: What, wait, hold on!
Taako: Sitting down and chilling!

Griffin: Uh, the three of you start your pursuit of—

Taako: Two!
Merle: Two!

Griffin: —of the two… [laughing] are you really chilling?

Taako: I’m chilling, I’m almost dead! I’m gonna chill here, I did the whole—I did the whole thing with the floating crab!
Merle [crosstalk]: Don’t worry, don’t worry! Everything’s going to be okay. Trust your party.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Taako: Great.

Griffin: Uh, so Taako’s just gonna kick it? I guess? Uh, so the rest of this fight is just gonna be the Merle and Magnus show—

Merle: No, no, he’s just sitting out for right now.
Taako: Fine I’ll come. I limp behind them, blood gushing from my robes—

Griffin: Uh…

Travis: Ew…

Taako: It’s very pitiful.

Griffin: Okay, uh, the three of you—one of who is gooshing, uh, begin your pursuit. As you open up the, uh, passenger car door, uh, into the space where you found the corpse, uh, you don’t find the corpse because this entire room has been basically incinerated. The, uh, the walls, the floor, the ceiling, everything is sort of smoky and black, uh, and the only thing on the floor is a pile of black ash, uh, where the body of Jenkins used to lay. The drink cart—

Travis [mournfully]: First Barry Bluejeans and now Jenkins?

Griffin: The drink cart in the corner is sort of melted down uh, a little bit—

Taako: Noooooooooo!


Merle: Not the drink cart!
Taako: This time they’ve gone too far!

Clint: The crab dies.

Taako: The crab is done for.

Griffin: Uh…

Clint: Is this from the fire shooting out of the crab ass?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, the initial burst of flame that you shut the door to uh, to avoid. Uh, as you push on through this, uh, darkened chamber you, uh, you begin to make your way through the, uh, sleeper car. You open up the door, uh, in this chamber to the sleeper car. Uh, the cars, the- the sleeping chambers are all lined up to your right, you’re in a very narrow hallway, uh, and as you make it about halfway through this car, the door on the other end, uh, also gets sort of shattered by this crab that, uh, is now floating through the air but still sort of flailing its four powerful claws around.

Travis: Is it kind of cute?

Griffin: Uh, it’s kind of adorable, yeah, sure.

Travis [screeching]: “Reeeeee, I’m a angry crab!” He seems to say.

Clint: Hey, just for effect, have it crawling along the sidewall, that would look cool.

Griffin: Uh, no it's, it’s just sort of floating, uh, impotently through the air, just sort of waving its claws around.

Clint: [crosstalk] [grumbling] Aw alright.

Griffin: Uh, and we are back up to the top of the order, which is Merle.

Clint: Ah!

Griffin: Uh, the three of you are about halfway between the doors, in this car, uh and, about, uh, fifteen feet in front of you is the crab monster who is floating through the air.

Clint: Alright. I-I take out my war—

Griffin: [interrupts] He is bloodied by the way. He is beyond past half health.

Clint: Alright. I take out my warhammer—

Griffin: You don't have it.

Travis: [crosstalk] You don't—

Clint: —Just to see a reaction.

Griffin: Well, there it is: you don't have it.

Clint: I'm just kidding, I'm kidding, no I'll cast Healing Word.

Griffin: Pretty good, pretty good punk, Nick Cannon.

Clint: [laugh] I'm casting Healing Word on uh—

Griffin: [interrupts] —The crab!

Clint: On Taako.

Griffin: Oh, I see.

Clint: On Taako. And that’s two d4 plus five.

Griffin: Are you doing Healing Word or Healing Touch?

Clint: Healing Word.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I have Cure Wounds, that's one d8 plus five.

Griffin: It's up to you homie.

Clint: Yeah, I'm gonna-I'm gonna go with what I said.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I'm gonna go with uh, Healing Word, it's two d4 plus five, and so the first one was a three ...

Griffin: Pretty good!

Clint: And the second one’s a three.

Griffin: Really good.

Clint: So that's six, plus five, that cures him for eleven, heals him for eleven.

Taako: Wooo!

Griffin: Yeah. Does he—

Travis: He springs to his feet, and starts like punching the air.

Clint: And then I reach out, and I drop my Extreme Teen Bible and I say:

Merle: Peace out.

Griffin: Okay. It falls through the floor-

Clint: [mournfully] Nooo!

Griffin: —and it's destroyed by the train's wheels. It's a very heavy Bible.

Travis: [laugh]

Griffin: Both in terms of weight and subject matter.

Clint: I can’t lose that, so.

Griffin: Next in order is the crab, who, uh, stabs two of its claws into the ceiling, uh, stabs one claw into uh, either wall, uh, piercing into one of the uh, sleeping chambers, uh, points its mouth at you, and you see its rows of teeth begin to spin and glow, uh, and then from his, uh, pulsating orange mouth a column of flame bursts down the car, at all three of you. Uh, so go ahead and make dexterity saving throws, to see if you get out of the way of this column.

Clint: So he casts fire out of his ass and his mouth?

Griffin: This is his mouth.

Travis: I rolled a nineteen.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Twenty.

Griffin: Wow.

Clint: Sixteen.

Griffin: Sixteen. Okay, all three of you, uh, simultaneously, uh, I- I guess leap to the right through the door of one of the, uh, sleeping chambers, uh, very narrowly avoiding this hallway sized column of flame, uh, that- that shoots down and, uh, uh, uh, incinerates basically the carpet below your feet, uh, and, uh, that is-

Clint: That was nice carpet too, remember? Remember how nice-

[Everyone choruses agreement about the nice shag carpet]

Griffin: Uh, so yeah.

Taako: Guys? Guys? That was our first moment of competence. I hope you all remember.
Magnus: Nice!
Merle: Holy crap!
Magnus: High fives all around.

Clint: And we miss.

Justin: And we miss. We miss the high five. [sound of hands clapping]

Merle: Ow! Right in the face.
Taako: Ah!


Griffin: Uh, okay. Uh, that is it for the crab's turn. He is still sort of wedged in between uh, the, he's still sort of positioned himself between uh, the wall and the ceiling to uh, prevent the recoil from sending him rocketing backward down the train. I really love that this fucking crab is floating now. It co- it completely changes this fight in my mind.

Clint: [laughs] I'm glad you've embraced it.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, next in order is Taako. [pause] Uh, the three of you are now sort of, uh, squirreled away, in, uh, we'll say it's your, your sleeper chamber. Uh, next to your triple bunk beds, where you just dove in to avoid the spout of flame.

Travis: Is there any other furniture in the room? Is there anything else in the room, beside the bunk beds?

Griffin: Uh, there is a small sort of tea table? And, uh, two, uh, wooden chairs next to it.

Clint: Any cutlery from, uh, you know, a snack we might have had earlier?

Travis: There’s a spoon on the table.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, there’s a- there’s a teaspoon, and a, a, a teacup and a teapot. And a sugar bowl, with some sugar.

Clint: Are- are any of those things shaped like a knife or an axe, or a club?

Griffin: The spoon could be shaped like a club if you were very small person with a big imagination.

[Clint laughs]

Clint: [singing] There is no life I know...

Griffin: Taako-

Travis: Uhuh! Still fighting!

Griffin: Taako, take the wheel.

Clint: [singing] Taako take the wheel.

Justin: I’m casting Melf’s, uh, uh, Acid Arrow.

Clint: Milf?

Griffin: Mell’s? Hi I’m Mell, and this is my favorite Acid Arrow.


Travis: I hope you enjoyed my Acid Arrow kids!

Clint: And don’t tell me to kiss your grits!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Is that a reference to something?

Justin: What on the, on the earth?

Clint: Alice.

Justin: You’re appealing to a demographic that we do not- does not exist—

Griffin: —That does not— [louder] that doesn’t exist in the world!

Clint: That’s why I’m here!

Griffin: To talk to ghosts?


Justin: Melf’s ice-uh-Melf’s Acid Arrow.

Griffin: Mell—First, first of all move toward the mic, second of all is that this is a spell that was created by a man named Mell—

Justin: Mell-Melf.

Griffin: Or a woman named Mell.

Justin: Melf. It’s Mel B’s scary Acid Arrow. Mel B’s scary spice Acid Arrow. [Griffin laughs] Uh, a shimmering green arrow streaks toward a target and bursts with a spray of acid, make a ranged attack against the target. On a hit the target takes four d4 acid damage immediately and two d4 acid damage at the end of its next turn.

Griffin: Wow! Shit!

Clint: [crosstalk] Scary Spice was the most dangerous of all the Spice Girls.

Griffin: [crosstalk] I mean, that’s obviously not debatable.

Clint: Right.

Griffin: Sporty—Sporty I don’t know. Actually—

Travis: [crosstalk] I was always most terrified by Baby, but I think that’s just ‘cuz of like, weird issues, I don’t know.

Justin: Okay, I’m making a ranged attack.

Travis: Oh yeah, sorry.

Griffin: Okay. Ar-are you poking your head out the, you’re moving back to the hallway—

Justin: Yes, sort of just like sticking out my um-umbrella out the door, and blasting—

Griffin: I fucking love it.

Clint: [presumably have looked the spell up] Holy crap! He didn’t make that up! That’s a real spell!

Justin: Thank you.

Griffin: Uh, okay. So you’re just poking your arm out the window—

Justin: And my head. I mean I’m poking my head out.

Griffin: Okay. You’re leaning out of the car to blast—

Travis: He’s holding a mirror up out the- out the door.

Griffin: Uh, go ahead and make a ranged attack.

Justin: What do I do? What is that-how do I do that?

Griffin: Uh, you just roll a d20, and add your spell casting modifier to it.

Justin: [dice rolling] Eleven.

Griffin: Eleven total?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: That doesn’t do it.

Justin: Okay. So on a miss... [pause]

Clint: So their armour does not decrease when they take damage right?

Griffin: Nooo. Are-are you talking about the crab monster or what?  

Clint: The crab monster. I guess its shell, I would think it was cracked, and wouldn’t take as much damage.

Justin: Okay so I’m gonna do two d4… Two—

Travis: On a miss?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: That’s awesome.

Justin: Just splashes ‘em with acid.

Griffin: Does it says half damage? ‘Cuz if that’s the case you actually roll four d4 and divide in a half.

Justin: Okay. [dice rolling sounds] Two, three, one, two. Two, [whispering] two, three, one, two.. Eight.

Travis: [at the same time] Eight.

Griffin: Eight.

Justin: Four.

Griffin: So it takes four damage. Okay, you shoot it, it just sort of, uh, falls to the ground right below it, and some of the acid splashes up, onto the crab monster, uh, and it takes four acid damage. You hear it sizzle away, and it actually smells weirdly delicious.

Travis: Mhhh!

Clint: That’s what I was gonna say; see if you have a melted butter spell.

Griffin: Ye-yeah it will need to be clarified tho.

Clint: Okay. [emphasizes each syllable] A melted butter spell where it melts butter, how’s that for clarification?

Travis: [giggles] Nice.

Griffin: Wow that was good!

Clint: Thank you.

[Both laugh]

Griffin: What a rib tickler, it’s a thinker, and it tickled my ribs.

Clint: It works on a lot of different levels!

Griffin: Magnus!

Travis: We’ll send that into Dad Jokes Weekly. Uhm, I grab one of the chairs, [pause] from the room.

Clint: Good.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay.

Travis: And I run up to the crab, and two-handed clobber it.

Griffin: Alright, we’re gonna have to come up with some numbers. [laughs] For chair!

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: It’s gonna be blunt damage, obviously.

Travis: Yup!

Griffin: Uh…

Clint: It’s a metal chair? I remember you saying that earlier.

Griffin: No I specifically said it was a wooden chair. Wowzers!

Clint: [whispering] Crap!

Griffin: Uhhm, okay so this is a, uh, a heavy wooden chair— wha— lemme— hold on. [sound of dice rolling]

Clint: Hey can it be one of those La-Z-Boys that’s such a—

Travis: Yeah, I heft the La-Z-Boy over my head.

Griffin: We’ll say this has the, uh, same characteristics of a club, I think that’s fair?  I’ll say one d6, but because you’re so skilled in carpentry I imagine [Clint begins to laugh] that you’ve had to attack somebody with a chair before? So you definitely have expertise on this, that’s not debatable. And you also, like, are just really good at hitting shit with chairs, made out of wood, so I’ma say one d8, you have, uh, expertise with it, uh, and I’m gonna give you a point of inspiration: A) for making a makeshift weapon, and B) for picking a makeshift weapon that is so completely within your wheelhouse.

Travis: Thank you. Um, well, if I have expertise with it, then I rolled a seventeen plus six, so that’s twenty-three…

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And then I roll a d8…

Griffin: d8, yeah…

Travis: And I rolled a four, um, if I have expertise it’s plus six: so I hit it for ten.

Griffin: Okay. You hit it for ten damage, uh, loosing it from the wall and ceiling where it had perched itself, uh, so it’s now sort of just floating aimlessly, uh, backward down the uh—

Clint: Argh! It’s still alive?!

Griffin: —hallway; uh, yes but it is very, very, very bad off.

Clint: It is almost impossible to get rid of crabs, have you noticed that?

Griffin: Oh, man!

Travis: [crosstalk] I have.

Griffin: [laughs]

Travis: Bringin’ the heat!

Griffin: [Clint laughs] You are really on some next level shit right now daddy! Uh, you hear the door—

Travis: [interrupts] What— wait, what happens to the chair in my hand, is it remain whole or does it—

Griffin: Oh no, sorry, it explodes, it shatters in your hand. You just broke— you broke this shit off, in its ass [pronounced “ay-ah sss”].

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Uh, the door to the passenger car, behind you, uh slides open, and you see an imposing, almost square figure, uh, filling- filling the doorway. Uh, and this figure runs at full speed, uh, towards uh, Magnus’s position, towards the crab, uh, and as this figure moves forward you make it out as Jess the Beheader, who sprints towards the crab, uh, at lightning speed; does this sort of like Ong Bak jump off one wall, and then another, and then sort of cannon ball flies at this crab, and then in mid-air, you see the shape of her axe, uh, just appear in her hands. And she brings it down, on this floating fire crab. [dice rolling] And she—

Travis: And she misses! [laugh]

Griffin: —she literally crit, that’s not a fakey fake bullshit thing, I’ll Facetime you the dice, but she crit, she crit on this crab; there was a 5% chance she was gonna crit, and it happened.

Clint: [grumbles] A crab crit.

Justin: [simultaneously] A crab crit. I waited a whole show for this.

Griffin: Pan, Pan, Pan is good, thank you for the crit.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, she, uh... [sound of dice rolling 4x]

Clint: … Rolls dice until she gets what she wants.

Griffin: She does 29 damage, uh, cutting the crab into two pieces, uh, and—

Travis: [interrupting] And Magnus raises his hand and says

Magnus: I did 29 damage punching it out a window, [Clint laughs] it’s not that big a deal guys, alright? We all do 29 points of damage!

Griffin: And as its two composite halves, uh, float through the air, uh, both pieces of its corpse turn to ash—

Clint: Noo! I was gonna eat it!

Griffin: —and fall to the ground.

Justin: [snorts] Them’s good eatin’. I say:

Taako: Hey, great timing!

Travis: And Magnus says:

Magnus: I-I had it.

Griffin: She says, uh:

Jess the Beheader: Sorry I, uh, I had a pretty bad, uh, initiative roll.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: “Sorry I was pooping, it took me awhile to get to where you were.”

Justin: [unintelligible] Okay let’s have dad—

Jess: To be fair it looked like you guys had it handled, but I thought I could help out any way I could.

Justin: Look, let’s just let Dad get it out of his system. I guess we’re the kings now. Is your—

Clint: King crab. Ah!

Justin: [simultaneously] King crab. Okay.

Magnus: We were in a bit of a pinch.
Taako: Right.
Merle: It was kind of a krusty krab.

Justin: Okay. [unintelligible]

Travis: Well that’s just—

Griffin: You just said the name of a thing.

Travis: Yeah, that was not very good.

Clint: Now it was- it was a lowercase c.

Taako: We did a claw-some job.

[all laugh]

Jess: These are all great!

Griffin: She says.

Merle: Okay. We’re done. I’m done. I’m done.

Justin: “I’m done.”

Magnus: Yeah, we don’t wanna be shellfish.


Clint: Ooooohh!

Taako: Come on guys, we’re crustacean time.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Sorry, did you just say “we’re crustacean time”?

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Yeah it’s like wastin’ time.

Clint: So does this mean—

Travis: You get it!

Clint: —we don’t get experience from this kill?

Griffin: No she stole your—she KS’d you bruh. She rolled up on that mob you were campin’, KS’d it right from under you.

Clint: [growls] Gah, just like Azeroth, ahh.

Griffin: Uh, I mean I was making some Everquest references but--

Justin: Did you ever play Everquest, Dad? Let’s talk about that.

Griffin: Let’s take a moment, let’s just take the next ten minutes, cuz I didn’t have anything else to talk about before we do the break; and let’s talk about Dad’s Everquest experience.

Justin: Did you ever play Everquest, Dad? I don’t remember.

Clint: I did play Everquest, yeah. And it’s alright.

Griffin: Uh no, you guys actually did get some experience points, I was just goofing. But no loot, um, there is no loot that came out of the, unless you like crab ash, in which case...

Travis: Would you say- would you say the experience, and- and like the- the victory, was its own reward?

Griffin: Uh yeah, I would say that you feel fulfilled on a deep spiritual level.

Travis: I got to use the chair!

Griffin: Yeah, you used a chair, you punched a thing out a window, it was pretty—

Clint: [interrupts] Yeah, and we all acknowledge, that was really great when you used the chair! Geez, god [grumbles]…

Travis: Thank you.

Clint: I think we wanna—I wanna find out a little bit more about, uh, Jess the Beheader.

Travis: I turn to Jess and say:

Magnus: Hey that-that glow, that like, spiritual axe thing was pretty damn sweet!
Jess: Oh, it’s not spiritual, it’s just soulbound to me. Um, I can- I can just sort of bring it- bring it to me whenever I need it.
Magnus: Can I have it?
Jess: Oh no, absolutely not, cuz it’s not soulbound to you!
Magnus: Well could we soulbound, like is it like a, like we, blood brother kind of thing, where like we cut our palms, shake hands, and then I can use it too?

Griffin: She says, uh,

Jess: Listen, as the, the world heavyweight champion, of the WWE, uh, I know my way around some good chair usage; and that was-
Taako: What’s that—what’s that stand for again?
Jess: The Midworld...Wrestling...Federation.


Merle: Spelled without the F.
Magnus: Yeah, and, uh- and without the M.
Jess: Well, there was a lawsuit; the-- it’s very very complicated. Um, anyway I- I know good chair usage when I see it, so I do actually want you to have this axe.

Griffin: —And she hands the handle—

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh my god!

Griffin: —Hands the handle towards you and she says,

Jess: I-I just want you to know that uh, I-- I’m just very impressed.

Griffin: —She says, and puts the handle in your direction.

Magnus: Thank you.

Travis: I take it.

Griffin: Uh, as you take it, it disappears from your hand and reappears in hers. She goes,

Jess: [laughs] Ahah! Ahah! Gahahahah!

Travis: We both have a good laugh.

Jess: That’s-- That’s one of my favorites!

Griffin: —She says.

Magnus: That was pretty good! I’m Magnus, “The Hammer.”

Clint: But good job reinforcing your- your image as a panhandler, so.

Travis: Thank you. [pause] Listen, you only get what you ask for in this life, Dad.

Griffin: Uh, she says,

Jess: Ah! What was it? Magnus the hammer? Or—
Magnus: Magnus, “The Hammer.”
Jess: Okay. Is the-- is “The Hammer” your last name?
Magnus: No! Is “The Beheader” your last name?
Jess: Uh, legally yes, I got it changed to, for my brand—
Magnus: [interrupts] Then me too!
Merle: Actually Magnus is his stage name—
Taako: —His stage name, his uh [intelligible]
Merle: His real name is Diddley.
Magnus: Listen guys, we just blasted a giant crab, I think we’re past the point of fake names.

[Griffin laughs]

Merle: I don’t think so.
Magnus: I do.

Clint: Who’s running this heist?

Travis: Magnus is making a unilateral decision.

Griffin: I am just—I just want to say, when I was writing this- this mystery chapter, how certain I was that the three of you were not going to be capable of introducing yourselves to the characters I was creating. And you have fulfilled that prophecy, just with flying colors.

Griffin: Uh, she says,

Jess: Do you guys have any idea where that thing came from?
Merle: The beach...?

[Justin and Travis laugh]

Magnus: It was on the ceiling. I think it came from the ceiling.
Taako: Yeah, well, uhhhh…[long pause] Let me ask you a question: can we shoot straight?
Jess: Yeah.
Taako: Why are you on the train? Do you have like a weird crazy reason for being on the train?
Merle: [crosstalk] Everybody else has!
Taako: Are you just like, on the train? Nobody’s like, just on this train. Are you on the train? Just on the train?
Jess: I’m on the train, yeah, I’m doing a hype tour for my upcoming match, my upcoming fight. And uh, I’m going to Neverwinter to do a junket.

Griffin: She says.

Merle: Who you- who you fighting?
Jess: Oh I’m fighting… Greg the Leg… Leg-cutter.

[Justin laughs]

Magnus: Oh, I’ve heard about him.
Jess: It’s supposed to be a pretty good matchup because like, I swing high, he swings low.
Merle: Greg the Leg-leg-better?
Taako: Just—his name is Greg the Leg-leg-cutter?
Merle: His name was Greg the Bed-wetter-lead-wetter but he realized that wasn’t as good.
Jess: And his favorite song was Yellow Ledbetter. But now he’s just Greg “The Leg” Leg-cutter.
Taako: And his [unintelligible] wrestling uniform is red leather, yellow leather.


Jess: But no, I have a great reason for being on this train. Why, do you suspect me of something, huh?
Taako: No, it’s just like everyone has a crazy reason—like, we said we were here for-I don’t even remember!

[Griffin laughs]

Magnus: It just, it’s all gone to hell.
Taako: It’s all gone to hell, there was a crab, and then Encyclopedia Brown showed up and he left, and then Jenkins died, that was ok, and then— [Griffin laughs] you have this axe, it’s magical—it’s been a really exhausting day, I’m Justin? I think.
Magnus: Holy shit. Okay wait. Uh, excuse me for just one second, Jess, I need to talk to my compatriots for just a moment.
Jess: Yeah that’s fine, I’m gonna go uh, check out the uh, the uh, scene of the crime, see if there’s anything I can do to help.

Griffin: She says, and walks back towards the passenger car.

Magnus: [crosstalk] Cool cool, yeah, do that, do that.
Magnus: You guys... Jenkins was beheaded, it’s there in the name, she’s the only one we’ve seen with an axe so far, and it was a clean beheading.
Merle: That’s true. But... how do we know for sure it was Jenkins?
Magnus: I don’t know that we do, why else you remove the head and hands? And the hands were done separately, ‘cause the cuts were not as clean.
Merle: Hmm. So maybe whoever took the hands, didn’t take the head? But if you took the hands then there’d be no fingerprints, and if you took the head there’d be no dental work, and you couldn’t identify who it really was.
Taako: Unless there was some sort of… magic, but who’s ever heard of such a thing. Oh wait a minute, it’s D&D! This isn’t CSI, papá, [laughter] we don’t need fingerprints—we’re not gonna send it to the lab! What are you talking about?!
Merle: Let me tell you something. If we send it to the lab, we’ll be... lab rats.


Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s not good.

Griffin: [crosstalk] But that’s not—that doesn’t even work, ‘cause it—

Justin: [crosstalk] He just removed—he literally removed his glasses, for an audience of me.

Griffin: Oh for—that’s fine, but this isn’t like a fucking Redwall RPG! You’re not rats!

Travis: [laughs] If we were rats. Okay wait, is it too late to retcon that we’re all rats? Or ratcon?

Griffin: Yeah, this a Redwall RPG, and…

Travis: Ok, whew! Now do the joke, dad, do the joke now.

Clint: ...I’m not in the mood anymore now.

Travis: Ah… see Griffin, you ruined it.

Griffin: Yeah, nor I. Yeah, I’m the one who ruined that.

Justin: He’s not a dancing rat.

Travis: I don’t get that one.

Clint: Alright. It—we’re in NIMH.

Magnus: Okay. so, the only people we’ve ever encountered on this train, are Jess, Jenkins-

Griffin: God I hope you’ve been taking notes.

Magnus: Yeah. Jess, Jenkins, Angus…
Merle: Graham?
Taako: Graham the juicy wizard.
Magnus: And the conductor. Or the engineer.
Merle: Who we haven’t seen hide nor hair of…
Magnus: And so if someone killed Jenkins, or someone killed someone, it’s one of those five, or someone we haven’t seen before.
Merle: [laughs] Yeah I’d say that’s right.

Griffin: So it’s either one of those five people, or someone on the planet.

Merle: [crosstalk] Or anybody else.
Magnus: Well it’s not Angus.
Taako: Is it me?
Magnus: It might be Taako. Has anyone kept an eye on Taako the whole time?
Taako: I’m literally asking. I have spells.
Magnus: I think the thing that we need to do, is interrogate the only other person that was at the scene of the crime. [pause] We need to talk to juicy wizard.
Merle: We do. We need to squeeze the juicy wizard.

Travis: There it is.

Griffin: There’s a joke! There’s a joke that works!

Justin: That was a joke.

Clint: I’m done, I haven’t got anything else. I’m just gonna sit back here.

Griffin: You’re throwing- you’re throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall, but like, our listeners can’t choose what spaghetti to eat. They’re eating all the spaghetti that is thrown. And some of it, some of it has floor dirt.

[Clint chuckles]

Travis: Griffin, you’re getting pretty saucy.

Clint: Hahahaha, it’s linguine.

Griffin: I’m in hell.

[Justin laughs]

{26:15-30:17 ad break}

Griffin: Let the investigation begin! I want- I want y’all to get NCIS on this shit.

Taako: I think we should talk to Graham.

Travis: Uh, I smack Graham in the face, and say

Magnus: Wake up!

Griffin: Okay, you’re suddenly in the passenger car, uhm, you slap Graham in the face, uh, he is laid out on one of the benches, uh, uh, on the right side of the passenger car. Uh, in the passenger car is uh, uh, Angus, who is looking uh all around that chamber in between the cars where the murder took place, or I should say where the corpse was found, uh, you don’t know whether or not the murder actually took place there. Uh, and uh, Jess the Beheader, who is uh, just sorta chillin’. I don’t know what she’s doing. Listen, I’m controlling like six human minds at once in this thing.

Clint: You’re remarkable, Griffin.

Griffin: I’m pretty amazing, I basically have six normal brains. Or maybe one brain that’s six times the size of a normal person’s brain.

Clint: I need to ask a question.

Griffin: Yup.

Clint: Is this- is this the big parlor scene, where the detective figures it out and unveils the secret? Because—

Travis: Well, only time will tell, Dad.

Clint: Okay, then let me ask another question: are we agreed that we’re doing away with the whole ruse that we’re these other people—

Justin: We can’t make that decision out of character. If we’re gonna make that decision we have to talk about it.

Clint: Okay.

Merle: [exaggerated scottish accent] Alright lads.

Justin: Oh fuck.

Merle: Are we givin’ up— [Griffin laughs] Are we givin’ up the fake identities?
Taako: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Yes. A thousand times yes.
Merle: Good. Then I cast Zone of Truth.

Griffin: [yelling] How many zones of truth did you fuckin’ prepare?! Were you like “good morning everybody, give me like 30 minutes to stock up on all my truth zones!”?!

Clint: It failed! And you said we rested and got everything back!

Griffin: Uh, okay so you’re busting out your- y- you’re- y- you’re just like a zone of truth cleric.

Clint: I don’t bring a lot to the table!

Griffin: With no healing, no fiery beams of purifying, sanctified light required, I just make people tell the truth.

Clint: Well, yeah. Simplifies things.

Travis: Before I wake up Graham—is he still passed out? Is he still out?

Griffin: Uh, no, he has a cool compress on his forehead, uh, and he’s- he’s lying there, he’s white as a sheet, and he is trembling, uh he looks- he looks, uh, a little green around the gills.

Travis: I still smack him.

Griffin: Mmkay, you smack him as hard as you can, and he says—

Travis: No, I didn’t say as hard as I can, I smack him… 20%.

Griffin: Okay, uh… just 20%? That’s still h—

Travis: 20%.

Griffin: That’s hard enough to kill some things.

Travis: Okay, 5%.

Griffin: Okay, 5%, you shatter all of his teeth and—

Travis: With my left hand. With my left hand.

Griffin: Oh, with your left hand. Okay. Well then, uh, uh, he, uh uh, takes the slap at 5% force, and sits up and goes,

Graham: What are you doing man, I was awake!
Magnus: No, you need to wake up!
Graham: I was awake! I was conscious!
Magnus: No I mean, I mean like metaphor- like metaphorically, wake up!
Graham: Du—what?! That hurt a lot!
Magnus: Well, you’ll hurt a lot worse—
Merle: [crosstalk] ‘Cause this shit is getting real.
Magnus: It’ll hurt a lot worse if you lie to me.
Graham: I know this shi—okay, am I—are you interrogating me? What’s going on?
Magnus: It seems like it.
Taako: Listen, I’m sorry about my partner, he can come on a little strong.

Travis: I walk to the back and cross my arms and start fuming.

Merle: We’re doing bad adventurer, good adventurer.
Taako: Listen. Help me out here.
Graham: But there’s three of you, so is one of you just a neutral adventurer?
Magnus: It’s good adventurer, bad adventurer, adventurer reading a book.
Graham: Okay.
Taako: I—listen, my partn—help me out, this guy’s a loose cannon. -- Give me something to work with here, what did you see in the car, we found with you a uh, a corpse that looks kind of like Jenkins, uh, did you—what did you- what did you see, what happened?
Graham: It was Jenkins, it was Jenk—I was sitting here, in the passenger car, I decided that I wanted to go and see if I could take a round on the pleasure chamber, and so I walked back and when I opened the door to the- to the sleeper car, I saw a th- I saw a corpse on— [trailing off] I saw a body on the ground, without a… ugh...

Griffin: He faints.

Travis: I step back up and I smack him. This time 6.5%

Graham: Whoooaaa!! That smack hurt 1.5% more than the last one, how—what are you doing to me?
Magnus: You don’t get out of this by passing out, Juicy.

Justin: Well statistically speak—I- I mean, not to quibble, but if- if it was 6.5%, it would hurt a little over 20% more than the one before it, because the one that preceded it had been five…

Graham: Well I took an estimate—I took an educated guess at what 100% of his smack would feel like, and so…

[Travis laughs]

Taako: Okay. That made sense to me. Okay.
Magnus: Graham—
Merle: Want a cup of coffee? Can I get you a little something?
Graham: That would be great, except the dri- the drink cart just got obliterated, so I don’t know how you’re gonna do that. I keep slipping into Angus!

[Clint laughs]

Travis: I look at Graham and say,

Magnus: When you saw the body, did it have hands?
Graham: No! There were no hands, it had been b-beheaded and behanded.
Magnus: And you had- and you had been in the passenger car.
Graham: I was in the passenger car, yeah, I was in here with—
Magnus: For how long?
Graham: Uh, for about 20 minutes or so. Uh, uh, uh, I was in here with Jess, um, she- she was in here too when I walked back to- to  check out the—to- to go to the pleasure chamber, and uh…
Magnus: We heard a shriek, was that you, Graham?
Graham: I don’t remember shrie—I have a pretty gravelly, mature…
Magnus: Graham…
Graham: ...masculine voice, so I don’t think, uh…
Magnus: Grahaaamm…
Merle: Why don’t you use it?
Graham: This is it.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Oh snap.
Merle: Hey listen, I couldn’t find any coffee, but they had these little Andes mints, you know those little chocolate mints, here, have a couple of those, and just answer the nice—the nice men.
Magnus: Wait are we doing good cop, bad cop, mom cop?
Graham: Okay. Thanks mom.

Griffin: He says, and takes them, and unwraps them.

Taako: That’s really good, ‘cause now he’s safe from dementors, too.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He says, uhm [makes eating noises].

Travis: Let him finish.

Merle: Or did that come from the ex-lax box?
Graham: Oh god. Uhm. Let me—let me think. Uhm.
Merle: Yeah, it was the ex-lax box. You better hurry.
Graham: So, now that I’m on a pretty tight schedule,

Justin: So wait: good cop, bad cop, diarrhea cop?



Justin: Is that what we’re doing?

Graham: Uh, the last time I saw Jenkins was, uh, it was just a few minutes before I found him. He- he came up and he did a drink service up here. Uhm, he- he went to the, the front of the train and then brought us back drinks and then went back towards the back of the train. And then I- I went back there a few minutes later to see if he could take me to pleasure town.
Taako: This next part’s extremely important.
Graham: Go.
Taako: When he was doing the drink service, did you notice him setting aside any drinks or anybody taking extra drinks they might have been putting aside for later? Are there somewhere on the train we can find some drinks?

[Clint wheezing]

Graham: I don’t think so. I—
Taako: [loudly] Think about it carefully! You didn’t even think.
Merle: This is really important. Just help him out.
Taako: The drink cart is gone.
Merle: He’s got the shakes pretty bad.
Taako: I’ve already got the shakes.
Magnus: Taako needs his medicine.
Taako: Daddy needs his special magic juice.

[Clint laughing]

Taako: No, but what were we saying? Jenkins...ah. Try again.
Magnus: Jess! Can you corroborate this story? Like, you were here the whole time, right?

Griffin: Uh, Jess looks back at you, uhh, she says:

Jess: Yeah I was, yeah I was here the whole time. Uh, and he was here too. I saw him shriek and then fall down like uh, some sort of small child.
Magnus: Uh-huh.
Jess: And the door shut behind him. Uhh, I- I gotta be honest, I didn’t think anything of it. I just, I thought maybe he was having a conniption or something. Um.
Taako: Jess, you didn’t kill Jenkins, did you? I only ask because of the beheader y’know.
Jess: The what?
Taako: To be thorough. The Beheader, y’know Jess the Beheader?
Jess: No, that’s like a stage—that’s a thing I do for work! I don’t—do you go—sorry, what’s your job?
Taako: Wait, you didn’t answer—
Jess: No, before I insult you, i need to know what your job is.
Taako: Me?
Jess: Yeah.
Merle: Bodyguard! Oh, no we’re not doing that anymore.
Taako: I’m… I’m Justin! [others laugh] ...Taako?
Magnus: Mhm.
Jess: You are—you are impossible to talk to, and this is the worst conversation I’ve ever done.
Taako: I’m a shitty wizard! I just wanna know if you killed Jenkins or not.
Jess: Of course I didn’t.
Taako: Okay.
Jess: Do you—do you— do you adventure on your free time? No! I only behead people when I need to, or when I’m being paid to do it, for entertainment.
Magnus: To be fair, living is the greatest adventure.
Jess: ...I guess!
Magnus: Jess and Graham are each other’s alibis. We were with Angus, so that only leaves the condu-
Merle: Well, how long was the body back there?

Griffin: Graham says, uh, Graham says,

Graham: I saw Jenkins just a few minutes before I found him. So whenever it happened, must have been in that period of time.
Taako: Hey, did you get into the pleasure chamber? Or were you going to go get access.
Graham: Uh, [he says,] no, uh, when I was on my way there, uh, I saw a dead body that was decapitated, and had its hand—
Magnus: And that was not your pleasure request.
Graham: Hands cut— [trails off] no it was…

Griffin: He falls down again, he’s fainted.

Travis: I smack him 7.2%.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you hear something pop, [Travis laughs] uh, and he goes,

Graham: [prolonged screaming]

Travis: [laughing] I meant 6.8!

Graham: [continues screaming]

Travis: I meant six point—I smack him with the other hand and pop it back into place.

Graham: [tone of screaming changes]

Clint: I cast Cure Wounds and fix his broken jaw!

Griffin: Okay, do you have to roll to do that?

Clint: God, yes, Jeminy God... [grumbles]

Magnus: Hey listen, I- I only have the one setting. And it’s, 7.2.

Clint: Alright, I roll a, it’s a d8, dadadadada…

Travis: Aw man, why didn’t we cast Cure Wounds on Jenkins?

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: ‘Cause his head was cut off!

Travis: Well you would have had to roll really well, don’t get me wrong.

Clint: Uh, d8 plus 5… ooh! Uh, I rolled an 8! And plus 5, 13.

Griffin: Oh, your best- your best healing yet, and it’s on the jaw that Travis just broke. Okay, you see uh, Graham’s jaw, uh, magically set back into place, and both of his cheekbones are starting to turn a deep purple. Uh—

Clint: Okay, and I grab the front of Magnus’s shirt, and I say,

Merle: Come on, man! Come on, we’re not getting anywhere with this approach!

Clint: Was that good? Was that good?

Griffin: That was really good. And Graham says, uh,

Graham: [like his mouth is full of cotton] Oh, man, that feels way better, thank you. Ughhh.
Magnus: Wait, did it heal him into a mouthful of marshmallows?
Graham: What are you talking about I sound—I sound totally normal!
Taako: Oh god! This is his normal voice? Break his jaw again!


Justin: Can somebody… okay. Travis.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Recap.

Graham: [still cotton-mouthed] I can tell you everything again. One more time.
Magnus: Okay. No, you—
Merle: No. Shush. Shush.
Taako: No more from you.
Merle: Quiet, mushmouth.
Magnus: Here’s what we’re looking at.
Taako: Okay.
Magnus: In the passenger car, we had Jess and Graham together. In the sleeper car, we three and Angus were together. Jenkins entered the passenger car, offered drinks…
Graham: [practically unintelligibly] He went in the—he went in the conductor car too, to go bring hu—him drinks.
Magnus: He went where?
Graham: He went in the conductor car, to bring him—
Magnus: He went in the conductor car.
Graham: To bring him drinks.
Magnus: And when he came out of the conductor car, did he seem different in any way?
Graham: Yeah, his head was gone. Nah, just kidding, he was fine!

Justin: ...Okay, let’s go to the conductor car. [pause] Walk walk walk walk.


Clint: Wait a minute! [foley for very heavy footsteps]

Griffin: Oh god! Do- do yo- do all of you have a lead foot?

Travis: We’re jumping. We’re jumping down the car.

Clint: [crosstalk] Here we are! At the conductor car!

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you hop like little bunnies to the uh, to the conductor car, or the- the uh, front of the passenger car in the space between that and the engine car. Uh, it’s not a conductor by the way, it’s an engineer. I don’t know why I keep saying conductor. Keep gettin’ my train jobs confused. The high security door, uh, into the engine car is sealed shut, uh, there—

Travis: I knock shave-and-a-haircut.

Griffin: Mmkay. I’m sur—

[foley for knocking]

Griffin: There it is. Uh, and you hear the voice of—God, what did I say his name was? Hudson!

Clint: Wow.

Justin: Hudson?

Griffin: Hudson. Yeah.

Clint: Hudson.

Griffin: Hudson Hon—

Travis: ‘Cause I was tryna make a Hudson Hawk joke and I couldn’t get to it.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: And I was trying to make an Ernie Hudson joke, and I couldn’t get to it.

Justin: And I was just trying to play D&D. [others laugh] With my family.

Griffin: Uh, you hear the engineer’s voice come from a, uh, small cone above the door, uh, sort of a megaphone system. You hear him go, uh,

Hudson: [through a speaker] Hello, uh, is everything o-- going okay back there? It’s—everything’s going—
Magnus: Um…
Hudson: Yep, we’re having a pretty smooth trip, we should be there in about an hour or so, so uh…
Magnus: Great, Jenkins is dead.
Hudson: Jen-Jenkins is… dead?
Magnus: Yeah.
Taako: He-he was the one with the bowtie, don’t feel bad, I forgot too.
Magnus: Bowtie?
Hudson: Jenk-Jenkins was a dedicated employee of the Roc—!
Magnus: Now he’s just a dead employee.
Taako: He’s a dead employee!
Magnus: We all got there.
Hudson: Cuttin’ goofs about this, huh? It doesn’t seem like the right time or place for that.
Magnus: Listen, we just need to know, is there anyone else on the train?
Hudson: No, I can—I—I can show you the manifest, but I don’t think I should come out of here, especially now. I can’t open up the engine car to- to whoever did this heinous crime.
Magnus: So, it was just you, Angus, Jess, Graham, the three of us, and Jenkins.
Hudson: Yeah, that’s it, that’s everybody on the manifest.
Merle: John-boy, Elizabeth, Jim-bob…
Hudson: I don’t know what you’re talk—none of those, no, it’s just us, just the people that you named.
Magnus: Listen, we need access to the caboose. We have to get to our secure item.
Hudson: You can go in the caboose whenever you want! You just can’t -you can’t get in the- the- the safe.
Merle: We—I think we need our weapons, is what we need.
Taako: We need our weapons.
Hudson: I can’t do that, I have no guarantee that it’s not the three of you that didn’t kill our poor Jenkins!
Magnus: We promise it wasn’t.

[Clint laughs]

Hudson: How was Jenk- How was Jenkins killed? Tell me! I- I need to know.
Magnus: He was beheaded.
Taako: And then behanded.
Merle: And then burned up.
Magnus: Yeah.
Hudson: It seems like the person on the train that goes by the name “The Beheader” might know something about that!
Magnus: No, we asked. We asked.
Taako: We did. We asked, she’s—
Hudson: And what, she just said “no, it wasn’t me,” and y’all were like, “cool”?!
Magnus: I mean, she, like, why, yeah!
Taako: [crosstalk] She had a zone of—
Merle: She has a corroborating witness for her alibi.
Taako: Well and there was a magic spell cast on her, so.
Hudson: [sighs]
Merle: Why don’t you open the door, and we pinky-swear, I will pinky-swear!
Hudson: [crosstalk] I’m not opening this door, there’s no way. We can talk about this when we get to Neverwinter, when the authorities can be involved.
Magnus: Here’s what we’re gonna do. You keep this door secure.
Hudson: Deal. I like that part of it so far, it’s going very great.
Magnus: ‘Kay. The six of us are going to move from here, to the caboose.
Hudson: Okay.
Magnus: We’re going to search every car until we get to the caboose.
Hudson: Okay.
Magnus: And if we get to the back, and there’s anything wrong…
Merle: We’re jumpin’ off.
Magnus: We’re gonna need access to our secure item.
Hudson: Well don’t do that, ‘cause we’re—you’ll be killed. Sorry, what? What was the last thing you said?
Magnus: If we get to the back, and anything’s amiss, anything’s wrong, we’re going to need access to our secure item, it can’t fall into the wrong hands.
Hudson: It’s gonna take me an—the cryptsafe takes one hour of sustained contact from me, the engineer of this train, to open. So by the time I get it open for you, we’ll be in Neverwinter, and the authorities can- can handle this themselves.
Magnus: Sounds great.
Taako: Okay, but we need our weapons.
Hudson: I can’t do that, I’m sorry.
Magnus: Can’t you? Is it can’t, or won’t?
Merle: Can’t you?
Hudson: In order to give you your weapons, I’ll have to leave this car, and that’s not happening. ‘Cause I-- you know why?
Magnus: Don’t you want to be a can-ductor?

[Clint laughs]

Hudson: I wanna be a… well first of all, I’m an engineer.
Magnus: But don’t you wanna be a can-ductor? Isn’t that your dream? Look in your heart.
Hudson: No, an engineer is on like a way higher pay grade than a conductor.
Magnus: Yeah, but I mean, it’s a lot more responsibility, too. Remember you saying to me earlier you were stressed out?
Merle: [crosstalk] Why don’t you be—
Hudson: You know what I—you know what I wanna be more than anything?
Magnus: What’s that?
Hudson: Just a guy… with a head.


Magnus: Well we all wanna be that.
Merle: Wouldn’t you like to be a friend-gineer?
Hudson: Okay. Uh, I’m gonna go ahead and shut off this channel, uh—
Magnus: That sounds about right.
Hudson: You guys let me know if you figure out who did this murder, and uh, hopefully—
Taako: Hey, let me, let—can I have—can I say something?
Hudson: Yep!
Taako: Yeah, you uh, you didn’t take my weapon. See this?
Hudson: I can’t, see that. What is, can you—
Taako: Open the-- open the window that may or may not exist.
Hudson: Nope.
Merle: Yeah, we need to give you some other weapons.
Hudson: Okay.
Taako: I have a weapon, here.
Hudson: I’m starting to feel a little bit threatened, so I’m gonna go ahead and go. Uh, if you—
Magnus: Okay.
Taako: You can’t— uh, if you go, I’ll fuck your train up real bad!


Hudson: Okay.
Taako: It’s gonna be brutal in here.
Hudson: So now I’m starting to feel like—

Justin: I cast prestidigitation, and he smells something that smells like dookie. And I—and I say—

Hudson: Oh sir, I guarantee you it doesn’t smell any worse than my own hand.


Taako: And this, that’s just a sneak preview, baby. There’s lots more where that came from.
Hudson: So you’re telling me you’re gonna stink up this whole train. All of it.
Taako: And then burn it down!
Hudson: Okay.
Magnus: We need to search.
Hudson: Okay. Have fun!

Griffin: He says, and you hear “click! Zzzt.”

Taako: He called my bluff.
Merle: Good one though, good try.
Magnus: Alright.

Clint: So we have no access to the, the- the little pleasure closet without—

Travis: Without the rod.

Clint: —without Jenkins, there’s no way that can be used, right?

Griffin: Uh, you can go check it out.

Travis: Oh, wait. This is, this, wait—

Clint: That has to be the—we—

Travis: —classic, classic detective shit. If his rod is missing, right? Whoever killed him took it. So everybody in the room, turn out your pockets.

Griffin: Mmkay. Uh, are you—where are you?

Travis: We’re, still in the passenger car.

Clint: Well, we need to go back into the, the car where everybody is.

Griffin: Yeah. Everybody’s in the passenger car right now. Angus, uh, is in the space where the- the scene of the crime, uh just sort of going over everything. Uh, Graham is still, uh, lying down. Still supine. And Jess is just sort of looking out the window.

Magnus: Alright. Turn out your pockets.

Griffin: Uh, Jess goes,

Jess: Uhhh, no!

Griffin: And Graham goes,

Graham: Uoh...okay.

Griffin: And uh, Angus does as well. So, Angus and Graham outturn their pockets. Uh, Graham has some Andes mints in his folds.

Merle: You’re welcome.

Griffin: Uh, he doesn’t seem to have diarrhea, so. That’s probably good. Uh, he has his own, uh, magic wand, and a spellbook, and that’s it. And Angus has his hand-crossbow, and uh, his Book of Interception, uh and a toolkit. A detective’s toolkit with a, like a, uh, mirror on a stick on it and a notebook and a magnifying glass and a dusting kit and a grappling hook and… all kinds of stuff.

Clint: So basically the whole “turn over all your weapons” only applied to us.

Griffin: What do you mean?

Clint: Kid’s got a crossbow! And, what’s-her-name can summon an axe!

Angus: A very, a very well-concealed crossbow!

Griffin: He says.

Taako: Hey, hey listen, I dunno why I didn’t think of this before. Is that everybody’s pockets? It is, right?

Griffin: Uh, Jess, Jess didn’t.

Travis: No, Jess did not want to.

Taako: Well, well Jess refused. Let’s talk to Angus for a second. Hey, Angus.
Angus: Hey! What’s up!
Taako: You’re su—you’re like a great detective, I dunno why you’re lettin’ the babysitter’s club here—

Clint: [laughing]

Taako: —the three of us, like, trying to piece it together—
Angus: I’ve actually been watching you. You’ve been doing a surprisingly good job!

Griffin: He says.

Taako: Thanks for the vote of confidence—
Angus: I’ve already figured it out, of course.
Taako: Yeah, well, why don’t you give us a hint? A little hinteroo.
Angus: I-Isn’t it more fun if you try and figure it out for yourself?

Griffin: He says.

Merle: NO.
Taako: No.
Angus: I’m pr—I was just kidding, I haven’t really figured it out yet, I was just like putting—
Taako: Oh, that’s what I thought, okay.
Merle: [grumbling]
Angus: —listen, I’m a ten year old—I’m a ten year old boy!
Taako: You’re the, can you give a—
Merle: You’re a ten year old douche!
Magnus: Are you the world’s greatest detective…in comparison to your age? Is it a sliding scale thing?
Angus: I’m the best detective in the world, I’m very young, and I’m very, um… I’m, I’m very self-conscious about my age, so I…
Magnus: Great.
Angus: I guess I put on a front. I-I’m glad that I have somebody to talk to about this!

Travis: I turn to Jess!

Angus: I’m going through a lot of changes right—! Oh, okay, bye.

Travis: I turn to Jess.

Angus: Alright, bye… [trailing off]


Magnus: Jess?
Jess: Yeah?
Magnus: Turn out your pockets.
Jess: Uh, no I’m good. I’m alright. Thank you.
Magnus: …Okay.

Travis: I collect—

Jess: Turn out your p—Hey! Turn out your pockets!

Travis: Okay I do! I’ve got my grandmother’s knife, um, I’ve got a bedroll… Or it’s my grandfather’s—

Jess: Uh-oh! A knife? It looks like you could probably—you could probably use a knife to cut off a person’s head, huh, don’t you think?!
Magnus: It’s like a two-inch blade!
Jess: Yeah, I mean it would take a while!

Clint: [laughing]

Magnus: [unintelligible]
Jess: How can you prove that—how can you—no, stop—how can you prove that you didn’t cut this guy’s head off with your grandmother’s knife?

Justin: I do—

Magnus: It’s my grandfather’s!

Justin: Stop! I’m doing a perception check on Jess.

Griffin: ‘Kay. What are you—what are you trying to perceive?

Justin: Uh, I’m just looking at her whole thing to see if there’s any like, anything that seems out of place, stains, uh damage… Uh, anything like that that seems out of order.

Clint: Hey, do you want me to cast Zone of Truth?

Griffin: [laughing] That would be—

Travis: Now hold on.

[bantering about Zone of Truth]

Griffin: Uh, that would be, that would be an investigation check. If you, if you- if you’re poring over like a specific thing.

Justin: Okay. Investigation check on Jess.

Griffin: Yeah. Perception is if you’re trying to find something, investigation is if you’re trying to learn something about something you know is already there.

Justin: Okay, uh, I got a 12, so. It’s not great.

Griffin: No—

Justin: I’m not a great—I’m not very sleuthy.

Griffin: Well with a 12 you see that she doesn’t have any blood on her. Uhh, she has a little bit of crab ash on her from when she, uh, halved the beast you were fighting before. Uhhh, but yeah, no blood, no signs of uh. You know. Struggle. Her clothes aren’t, uh, torn or anything. Her armor, I should say.

Merle: Alright, I guess we’re gonna have to frisk her.
Jess: ...Okay, that sounds like it’s gonna be a lotta fun!

Griffin: She says.

[nervous laughter]

Merle: Magnus, you—
Jess: That would be—that’s gonna be a lot, that’s gonna be a ton of fun for all four of us! Do you guys like gambling?

Griffin: She says.

Magnus: Yes.
Taako: Sure, yeah!
Jess: Let’s place bets on how far I can throw each of you!

Griffin: [laughing] She says.

Merle: That’s—! Are you ‘roided up?! That’s a little aggressive!
Taako: Wait a minute, wait minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!

Justin: I cast Detect Magic.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: If there’s anything, any magical items in this room, I will see an aura around them.

Griffin: Okay! That’s fine.

Justin: [raspberry noise]

Travis: [laughing]

Clint: [dramatic music?] [quietly] The soundtrack...

Griffin: Uhhh, so you pick up on uh, a few things. You pick up on the Book of Interception. You pick up uh, uh, Graham’s uh, magic, uh, wand. You pick up the, the faintest hint of a trace of magic on Jess’s axe. Uh, you pick up your own magical items, of course, yours and Merle’s, uh… Er, yours and… Yeah, yours and Merle’s. You pick up Magnus’s jumping boots, the Railsplitter has some traces of magic on it. You guys have accrued a few magic items at this point. Jess, uh, other than her axe, doesn’t have anything.

Taako: Okay guys, she doesn’t have anything. We’re, she’s—
Merle: So apparently nobody does, in this room.
Taako: She’s clean. So yeah, the room is clean.
Magnus: Let’s move to the—
Taako: The wand is, the rod isn’t in here.
Magnus: Then let’s move to the sleeper car.

Griffin: Okay.

Magnus: And we’ll take a buddy system! My buddy will be Jess.
Jess: I’m not coming.
Magnus: ...You are!
Jess: No, I’m good, I’m gonna stay here, and then if I see anybody even remotely threatening, I’m gonna cut ‘em in half! That, here let’s—
Magnus: If you stay here, I stay here.
Jess: Let’s split up our jobs. You guys can, can do your Encyclopedia Brown shit, and I’m gonna stay up here, and I’m gonna cut anybody in half who steps!
Magnus: Ooh, hey! Merle! Leave, uh, Scuttlebug here.
Merle: Oh, good idea.

Griffin: Okay. You wind up the Scuttlebug. What did you—what is it called…?

Clint: Scuttle Buddy. I named it Scuttle Buddy.

Griffin: Scuttle Buddy. So you—there’s a—mosquito in this room and it’s killing me. Um. Is that the, wait did you just send the Scuttle Buddy into my room in real life? You wind up the Scuttle Buddy, a, uh, small—it turns towards you and, uh, makes a—

Scuttle Buddy: [endearing buzzing noises]

Griffin: —noise. It’s recognizing you as its mother.

Travis: [snorting] It’s imprinting.

Griffin: It’s imprinting, it’s very, very adorable. Uh, it uh, turns away from you and out of its butt, you see a tiny, little, round nodule pop out, of its butt, uh, in front of you.

Merle: [scolding] Scuttle Buddy!

Griffin: And uh, it- it turns back and goes,

Scuttle Buddy: [buzzing]

Griffin: —and starts sort of nudging this, this little nodule towards you, uh, proud of it.

Magnus: Pick up its poop!

Clint: Oh my god this is the cutest thing ever, why has nobody done a fanart on Scuttle Buddy?!

Travis: There was some Scuttle Buddy art!

Scuttle Buddy: [more buzzing]

Clint: Alright. I pick up the nodule. It’s a little sticky!

Griffin: Uh, Scuttle Buddy takes one of its, uh, one of its pincer...legs, and points at the side of its own head, and goes,

Scuttle Buddy: [buzzes twice]

Clint: Well, I take the nodule and its head…?

Scuttle Buddy: [laughter-like buzzing]

Griffin: —it says, and uh, it pops it out of its own head. And then it points at you, and then to the side of its own head.

Scuttle Buddy: [buzzing]
Magnus: Oh, put it in your ear.

Clint: Alright. I put it in my ear.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, as you do that, you… you can hear the things in the room around you, almost like they’re being uh, uh amplified, like there’s a little bit of uh, uh, feedback. Like there’s a little bit of an echo. And the Scuttle Buddy, uh, very discretely climbs up to the ceiling and uh, wedges itself between the ceiling and a light fixture on the ceiling and, uh, sets up shop there.

Merle: Probably would’ve been better if Jess hadn’t seen that…

Griffin: Uh, she didn’t.

Magnus: Doesn’t matter. Jess, if anything happens…
Jess: Yeah. You guys got it.

Griffin: And then, uh, in your ear, Merle, you hear,

Scuttle Buddy: [buzzing that sounds like “I love you!”]
Merle: I love you too, Scuttle Buddy.
Scuttle Buddy: [giggle-buzzing]

Clint: [to the tune of “My Little Pony”] My Scuttle Buddy, my Scuttle Buddy...

Travis: [giggling] Um, Scuttle Buddy will be available in all Toys Я Us stores by November 1…

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Collect them all! There’s 800 Scuttle Buddies. Each one costs $16.

Travis: See if you can tell the difference!

Griffin: You can’t, they’re very, very similar.

[ending theme plays]

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