Balance – Episode 12: Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Three/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone:

Director: Secure passage on this train. One of you will need to be Leeman Kessler. Uh, you will need to retrieve the relic, and get it back to us any way that you can.

Clint: Is Tom Bodett anywhere in this town?

Justin: [crosstalk] Is Tom Bodett literally--

Travis: [crosstalk] Has anyone left a light on for us?

Griffin: You manage to make it to the ticket counter.

Merle: I’m Leeman Kessler.
Magnus: I’m, I’m Diddly Kessler.
Tom Bodett: You’re Diddly, that’s what I thought. And you, wizardly-looking fellow?
Taako: Justin.


Taako: I cast Charm Person on Tom Bodett.

Griffin: M’kay.

Merle: We want you to step in front of the next train that is coming by, okay?

Travis: No!

Merle: Is that okay?

Justin: [laughing] Oh my god!

Merle: If you don’t mind doing that for us.
Tom Bodett: You need me to step--

[Justin continues laughing]

Griffin: Uh, you hear from outside the train, “All aboard!” and Tom Bodett goes,

Tom Bodett: Well, [laughter] time to-- Time to go, I guess.
Announcer: Come on, ride the train. It’s the Choo Choo and ride it! … [chuckling] It’s the Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]


Griffin: So the three of you have just checked in with Tom Bodett--one of the Tom Bodetts, one of the many, many animatronic Tom Bodetts that occupy Rockport--uh, and, uh, have boarded the train. Um, you walk in through a door to the main passenger car compartment--

Travis: Griffy, is this, uh, is this train luxurious, or is it, like, utilitarian?

Griffin: It is fully luxuried out. It is the Lexus of fantasy trains. I’m talking--

Justin: [quietly] Thank goodness.

Griffin: I’m talking gilded. It’s gilded with gold; it’s, uh--

Travis: Gilded with gold, you say?

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: It’s uh--

Justin: Fine thing to gild with.

Griffin: It’s gilded with uh, silver and platinum--

Justin: [crosstalk] Just gold. No--

Griffin: No.

Clint: No.

Justin: Gold’s the only thing you can gild with.

Travis: Can’t gild with anything else!

Griffin: Watch me! [laughter] Watch me. It’s- it’s bedazzled with electrum-- It’s a- it’s a-- yeah, it’s a really nice train. Um--

Justin: Smell good?

Griffin: Smells great. Posh interior, soft seats, uh, um, shag carpeting, which is weird, but it’s like nice shag carpeting.

Justin: Right.

Griffin: Uh, so you walk in through the main passenger entrance, into the passenger car, and there waiting for you is a, uh, very tall, very finely-dressed, elven man, uh, who is wearing a Rockport Limited uniform. Uh, he has a mustache which is rare for elves, not typically known for their, uh, bodacious facial hair, but there you are. Uh, and uh, this man looks down at you as you are boarding the train, and says,

Elven Man: [slightly deep, flat voice] Tickets and weapons, please.
Merle: Ah.
Taako: No problem. Um, is it okay if I keep my umbrella in case of a storm?
Elven Man: Well, yeah, it’s not--yeah, I wouldn’t typically consider that to be a weapon. Can I see your tickets please, though?
Magnus: Yes.
Taako: Here you go.
Merle: Yes! Here’s mine.

Griffin: He snatches them all up.

Justin: Griffin, do we have tickets? Oh, we did get tickets.

Griffin: Yeah.

[lots of crosstalk in agreement]

Travis: Whoo, that was close! I almost had to kill him!


Griffin: [chuckles] He snatches them up.

Elven Man: Oh, Leeman Kessler! Oh yes, I understand we are carrying a, uh, a very precious piece of cargo for you in the caboose.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Yes, take good care of his package. [giggling]
Merle: Ha ha!
Elven Man: Terrific. This is kind of a fancy train, so if we could--
Merle: Yeah!
Elven Man: --maybe watch that stuff. Uh, my name is-- [out of character] wait for it--

Travis: [laughs] Tom Bodett.


Elven Man: My name is--

Travis: [crosstalk] My name is Lazy DM.

Justin: Did you know that there’s only one real Tom Bodett, and the rest are Tom Faux-detts? [laughter] It’s true.

Hudson: Uh. My name is Hudson. I am the engineer of this train. Uh, welcome aboard; we’re- we’re happy to have you. We know that you have lots of choices to pick from for subterranean inter-city travel here, but uh-- and we sure do appreciate the fact that you picked us!
Magnus: Well, we tried to get on the Rockport Unlimited, but it was full.
Hudson: [amused] That train is a little too extreme for most people. [Travis laughs] It doesn’t even go on rails; it just sort of-- they j- they just sort of off-road it.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Well, where doesn’t it go?
Hudson: Uh, well, it doesn’t get to its destination usually. It usually crashes and it’s pretty terrible. Uh, but thank you for- for uh, joining us. Uh, who are your compatriots here?
Merle: [attempting a Scottish accent] Uh, my compatriots?
Hudson: Oh, my god.

Justin: Oh no.

Merle: Aye, Leeman has a Scottish accent!

Travis: No, he doesn’t!

Hudson: Okay…

Clint: Yes, he does!

Travis: Wait, let me check my notes here: he does not!

Clint: [still talking in the bad accent] No, it’s right here in my character sheet!

Hudson: That’s interesting, because the Leeman I spoke to--

Justin: I keep turning down his volume, and it keep-- I swear to god, it keeps getting louder.

Griffin: I think Dad has hacked into your mainframe. [Clint chuckles]

Travis: He’s become self-aware!

Hudson: You all are in luck; this is uh, this is actually not a very full train. You’ll have your pick of, uh, seating in the passenger car. You have, uh, your own room, uh--
Taako: I didn’t introduce myself!
Hudson: Oh, sorry, yes, go right ahead.
Taako: I have a name as well!
Hudson: Terrific!

Clint: And feelings.

Taako: [very awkwardly] Good day to you… Thank you for having me on your choo choo.

[Clint wheezes with laughter]

Hudson: Are you disembarking? We haven’t even left the station yet.
Taako: I need to find a seat that has a comfort… equitable… to my... situation!

Clint (?): [Crosstalk, quietly] -Big rump.

Hudson: I appreciate your fancy speech. Um, that is- that is how we, uh--
Taako: Gratuities to you…
Hudson: Uh--
Taako: …for the compliment.

[Clint laughs]

Hudson: Uh, now I will be in here--

Griffin: And he points to the uh, the engine car to, uh, to his right at the head of the train. Uh. The- the engine car--uh, the entrance to the car is a very high-security, uh, heavy metal door, uh, with a, like, window slot in it for him to look out. Uhhm. But it is-- it’s a very secure door, and he says,

Hudson: I will- I will be in here for the duration of the trip. Uh, I-I- I won’t be coming out as just a security measure. Uh, if somebody were to take the helm of this train, they could-- I mean, they could drive it--

Travis: Is this, possibly, foreshadowing?

[Clint and Justin start laughing]

Clint: Or rampant paranoia?

[Travis laughs]

Travis: [gruffly] I’m tellin’ you guys. Trust me. Oh, it could happen!

Hudson: The, uh, Mountain Train Security Agency, uh, protocols demand that I stay in the engine for the duration of the trip, uh, with no visitors. I’m sure some of you would like to learn how a choo choo works--
Magnus: I’d like to sit on your lap.
Hudson: Well, and I--
Magnus: [crosstalk] Maybe steer a little bit.
Hudson: You are not alone in that desire, but unfortunately, it’s, uh, engineers only in the engine. Uh, and after the trip, I will escort you to the cryptsafe in the caboose, and I will, uh, help you retrieve your, uh, your package. Uh, but from that point on, it’s- it’s in your hands.
Taako: [giggles] Sorry, uh, just to clarify, where was the package again?
Hudson: The package is in the caboose, I don’t--

[laughter and giggles]

Merle: [laughing] “The package is in the caboose!” Ahahaha oh… Oh…
Magnus: Thank you very much; we’ll be retiring to our rooms now.
Hudson: [amused] Okay, well. This was a great talk, and [Travis and Clint laugh] I feel like if other people were listening to this conversation--say, thousands and thousands of people--they would put their, uh, listening apparatus down, and they would go, “Wow, that was a good recorded conversation I just listened to.”


Clint: And then puncture their own ear drums.

Hudson: And if, say, those listeners had, uh, somehow paid money to support our conversation, [Clint laughs] they would say, “Yes, I have chosen to spend my money wisely, and I feel great about my life and my decisions.” Um, but see you later! Smell you later,

Griffin: he says.

Hudson: Yeah, before you go, I just need to, uh, grab your, grab your weapons from you. Uh, these will also be locked up in the, uh, vault, and uh, we’ll be returning them to you as soon as we reach our final destination.
Magnus: But my whole body is a weapon. You see, [Justin laughs] I’ve trained myself--
Hudson: Listen--

Clint: [crosstalk] Thank you, Barney Fife.

Hudson: You’re-- Are you one of those magic flesh swords? [Travis laughs]
Magnus: I am.
Hudson: I’ve heard about those, where a- a, uh, a young witch kisses a sword, and it turns into a human man.
Magnus: It was something like that.
Hudson: [amused] I read about that in my Penthouse magazine.

Travis: “I never believed it would happen to me.”

Hudson: Uh, no I just-- just give me those weapons, and I’ll lock ‘em right up. Put ‘em right in the car. You’ll never know that they were missing. Unless you need them. But you won’t, super safe train.

Clint: Hmm.

Magnus: I do hold on to my glove, though.
Hudson: Which one?
Magnus: My gauntlet.
Hudson: Yeah, that’s fine. What could you possibly do with a gauntlet?
Magnus: [sheepishly] Well it keeps in-- I have Smelly Hand Syndrome.
Hudson: Oh my god, me too. I didn’t think I’d ever meet another.

Griffin: He pulls off uh, the uh, leather glove that he has over his left hand, and--

Taako: [crosstalk] Oh god! Ooh!

Griffin: --it stinks. [Clint makes a disgusted sound] There’s a stink to it that, uh, it almo- almost seems supernatural, almost as if he’s been cursed, uh, on his hand.

Magnus: I mean, that’s pretty bad, I guess.
Hudson: Can I, let me try-- Can I have a whiff of your brand?
Magnus: Unfortunately, no. Um, there was a law passed that I was not allowed to remove my gauntlet.
Hudson: [crosstalk] I just made-- I made myself very vulnerable just then. [Justin laughs]
Taako: [amused] Let the man smell your hand!
Merle: [crosstalk] Smell his hand. Give him your hand.
Magnus: I, um, I can’t do that. I’m not at that point in my therapy yet.
Hudson: Well, god, fine!

Griffin: He says, and, uh, uh, takes up your weapons. Are you handing your weapons to him or not?

Travis: Yes!

Griffin: Okay. Uh.

Clint: Yeah, I’ll give him Smasher and Little Choppy.

Justin: And I cast, just as he’s leaving, I cast, uh, Prestidigitation on Travis’ hands to give them a terrible odor.

Griffin: Okay.

Hudson: [startled] Oh my god!

Griffin: He says.

Hudson: Wh-- How did that-- Can you control your hand stink? It’s almost as if you’ve just emitted a cloud--
Magnus: [crosstalk] There’s a valve on the glove.
Hudson: Oh, terrific! Is that like a--ooh, is that like a crime-fighting tool?
Magnus: No.
Hudson: Like- like stinky hand knock-out gas, and you shoot it out of your finger.
Magnus: It’s more just, like, a relationship-ender.
Hudson: Oh. Well, not for me, man.


Magnus: Wait, wait, did you find women who were into this? Is there a chatroom I can join?
Hudson: No, I’m just saying I’m feeling-- I’m feeling you. As a buddy. As a friend. Anyway, your weapons will be waiting for you when you, uh, when we reach Neverwinter. Until then, maybe keep the valve closed ‘cause not everyone’s gonna--not everyone likes getting high on your own supply.
Magnus: Got it.

Griffin: Uh, and he walks into the engine compartment, and the door slams closed, and you hear uh, a heavy clunk! And, uh, yeah. That’s it for the engineer character. What did you guys think of him? [laughter] Scale of- scale of one to ten.

Clint: I liked-- I thought he had good motivation, I thought, uh, his character development was good.

Griffin: So, walking through the passenger car, you only see three other passengers, uh, on this ride. And they’re not sitting together, they don’t seem to know each other, they’re not conversing, they’re all just sort of doing their own little things. Uh, one of them is a, uh, a stout, dwarven woman, uh, with the largest muscles you’ve ever seen on a living person. Um, she looks kind of--

Travis: [crosstalk] Wait, hold on! Magnus is in the room.

Griffin: Well, yeah. Deal with it.

Travis: Oh. Oh no.

Griffin: Uh, she looks-- She’s kind of fidgeting, looking out the window. She just kind of looks a little bit uncomfortable. Um, sitting about two rows behind her and on the other side of the car is a young boy, who is wearing a fancy-boy suit--

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: --and a fa- a blue fancy boy cap. Uh, dressed up very fanci-fancily.

Travis: Can I roll, um, insight to see how fancy?

Griffin: Yeah, sure, if you want.

Travis: [die roll] Uh, that’s a 17. Oh, sorry, yes. Uhh--

Griffin: Oh my god, yeah. Make sure to really add this up--

Travis: Oh it’s a 16, it’s a -1.

Griffin: Oh, a -1. Then you die. [laughter] God, Travis, if only you-- in trying to discern his fanciness, your nose just starts bleeding, and you fall over and--

Clint: You’re fancied to death.

Griffin: Uh, yeah no, he’s fresh to death. He- he looks- he looks very fancy. Um, like a schoolboy, but fancy. And he’s reading a book like a schoolboy would do, and he’s a fancy young man. And then, sitting a couple rows behind him is a, uh, round young human man with a great big bushy beard.

Justin: [crosstalk] [gravelly] A great big bushy beard!

Griffin: And uh, he’s wearing some sort of trashy wizard’s robes. They’re not as, uh--

Justin: [crosstalk] You mean like bad, or you mean like trashy sexy? [laughs] Some mesh in the sleeves--

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s both, actually. It’s--

Travis: [crosstalk] You can see the electric tape over his nipples.

Griffin: [crosstalk] No, it’s-- I mean it’s-- [Clint laughs] it covers all his essential, uh, oils, but he-- It does say “juicy” on the back of the robe, [laughter] where his butt would be. Um--

Travis: Are we on a train to Jersey?

Griffin: Yes. Neverwinter is in New Jersey; not a lot of people, um, know that. This is, like, an alt-America sort of like Dark Tower, um, I should’ve pointed out, so, um. No, that’s not true. Please don’t buy into that at all. Uh, yeah, that is the passenger car as you, uh, continue walking back to, uh, you know, set down your personal effects in your sleeper car.

Griffin: As you- as you pass through the chamber connecting the two, uh, cars, uh, you open up the door to the sleeper car, and another elf is there. Another fairly tall elven man is there, wearing the garb, wearing the uniform for the Rockport Limited. Um, he is also wearing a sort of technicolor bowtie that’s prismatic and- and shifting in hues. Um, and he looks down at you, and he comes up with a voice for himself very quickly.

[Clint laughs]

Elven Man: [in a low, thick voice] Hello. Oh, new passengers. I... haven’t met you. Welcome--

Griffin: What is this?

Travis: [mimicking the voice] “I instantly regret this voice.”

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: [working on the voice] “Mm hello, welcome.” There it is.


Travis: [crosstalk] He sounds like Mike Myers.

Clint: [crosstalk] Sounds like Vincent Price.

Griffin: I found it.

Elven Man: Hello, welcome to the train.

Justin: “I’m Mike Myers as Lorne Michaels having a stroke.”

[Clint laughs]

Elven Man: [slow and deadpan] I’m doing my best. Welcome to-- [Justin mocks his voice] Are you making fun of my voice?

Justin: [crosstalk] He’s melting!

Magnus: [crosstalk] He’s getting sadder before our eyes!

Justin: Who dumped a bucket of water on this guy?


Elven Man: How could I be sad? I’ve got new passengers-- [someone mocks his voice again] Goddammit, can I talk? [laughter] Welcome to the train. My name’s Jenkins. Can I help you find your seats, or your, where to put your luggage, man, I don’t know. [laughter]
Taako: I like your tie, Jenkins. Tell me about it.
Jenkins: This is my- my flair. We all get to wear one piece of flair on Tuesdays.
Magnus: What does it do?
Taako: What’s it do? What’s its thing?
Magnus: Tell me all about it, stud!
Jenkins: [amused] It looks amazing.
Magnus: Well, yes!
Jenkins: It doesn’t possess any curative properties, or, what-- Who are you?
Magnus: Does it spin?
Jenkins: Stop, stop.
Magnus: I wanna unfold this bowtie thing.
Jenkins: Wait, stop. Let’s start over. Hello, I’m Jenkins. [laughter] I’m the wizard attendant on the Rockport Limited. I will, uh, help you with your bags--

Travis: I reach out slowly to touch his bowtie.

Jenkins: [awkwardly] Oh-kay, you can...touch it, I guess. [laughter] Light surface--
Magnus: [crosstalk] You can-- You can keep going.
Jenkins: Um, a light surface level touch would be preferred. [laughter]

Travis: I really g- I really get in there.

Merle: Are you an attendant who’s a wizard, or are you an attendant for a wizard?
Jenkins: I am a wizard who attends to your needs on the train. You let me know if you have any questions. I can take your bags, and I have a few other luxury services I can provide.

Griffin: My thr-- voice is, like, shot from this weekend, and it’s really--I, like--we have to record all of--

Travis: [crosstalk] No one made you do this voice, Griffin.

Griffin: This needs to--I’m just saying, we need to do a series wrap on Jenkins in this episode, [laughter] ‘cause I don’t think I’m gonna be able to do him next week. Um--

Travis: [laughing] I kill Jenkins! [laughter]

Jenkins: Thank you; you’ve set-- [Travis laughs] Uh, I have a few luxury services I can provide to you. I can take you into one of our pleasure rooms.
Taako: [awkwardly] I’m cool.
Magnus: [laughs] No thank you!
Jenkins: It’s not--
Merle: [crosstalk] Nope! Pass.
Jenkins: Oh, gentlemen, it’s not nearly as salacious as I made it sound. It’s just when I say things with my voice, it always sounds like I’m talking about slow sex. [laughter]
Magnus: Jenkins, I’ve just noticed, I think your bowtie is too tight!

Travis: I loosen it slightly.

Magnus: Does that help?
Jenkins: [in Griffin’s normal voice] Oh my god, thank you, guys! [laughter and clapping] A witch kissed me, and it cursed my [more laughter] [back to Jenkins’ voice] No, that’s a joke, this is--

Clint: Can we level up for that? That was great.

Jenkins: I feel very comfortable with this voice now, yes.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: Now it’s like an old pair of shoes.


Griffin: Um, he helps you all unload your luggage into your sleeper car. Uh, there’s uh, there’s a triple bunk bed. [laughs] It’s basically like a big ol’ neapolitan ice cream sandwich of dudes, [laughter] and you feel like the smell in there is gonna get pretty ripe pretty fast. It’s not a very big car, um, but he helps you load up, and uh, starts to show you around the train. Uh, so he says,

Jenkins: This is the sleeper car. Well, hold on. Sorry, I hit my ‘R’ very hard there. [Travis laughs] So, uh, this of course is the sleeper car. You will, uh, you can rest in here. The trip will take about three hours once the train departs, which it should any minute, so you won’t need a full night’s sleep. But if you’re feeling nappy, this is a place where, historically, people sleep.
Magnus: Jenkins, can I ask you a question?
Jenkins: I’m not finished.

[Clint laughs]

Magnus: Okay.
Jenkins: What you’re going to want to do is place the pillow underneath your head.
Taako: We know how to go to sleep, darling!


Jenkins: Just checking. I- I’m here to serve, to attend to your every need. So, you’re all set on blankets.
Merle: Yeah--
Magnus: [crosstalk] We actually need extra pillows. I sleep with a pillow between my knees and between my elbows and behind my head and under my feet, if I could get--

Griffin: So we’re- we’re gonna do this now, huh? [Travis laughs] We’re gonna air this right now?

Travis: [crosstalk] I prescribe to the Griffin McElroy sleeping method.

Griffin: I need to build myself a fucking exosuit of pillows, [laughter] and I’m not, like, I’m not, like, proud of it. Like, yeah, I am embarrassed about it, and it makes trips with my family a living hell.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: [laughs] A pillowy hell!

Justin: You go into a room you’re sharing with Griffin, then you look for a pillow, there’s just none there. He’s absorbed them all.

Griffin: Yeah. I need them for strength and energy. Uh, uh, Jenkins says, uh,

Jenkins: Now, of course, the car that you passed through coming in was the passenger car, and that is a car that is great for sitting.
Magnus: Now, Jenkins, I saw a--
Merle: [crosstalk] Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Magnus: I saw a dwarven woman in there, and I swear I recognized her, and I can’t remember her name, and I don’t want that awkward moment, you know what I mean? Do you have any information on her?
Jenkins: I’m not supposed to share privileged information--
Magnus: [crosstalk] Come on, Jenkins…
Jenkins: --regarding the identity of--
Merle: [whispering] Give him some- Give him a bribe! Give him some money!
Jenkins: [crosstalk] We run a very discreet travel service, um…
Magnus: Jenkins…
Jenkins: …for…
Merle: Jenkins!
Magnus & Merle: Come on!
Merle: Jenkins…
Taako: Remember the thing with the tie?
Magnus: Remember…?
Jenkins: When you touched my tie despite my request that you did not, and--
Taako: [crosstalk] No, we freed you--
Merle: [crosstalk] And it helped you out and felt good.
Jenkins: [crosstalk] That is a--
Taako: [crosstalk] We freed that beautiful instrument of yours.
Merle: Jenky…
Jenkins: [amused] Okay, okay, but you didn’t hear this from me.

[Clint chuckles]

Magnus: Okay.
Jenkins: Uh, have you ever heard of uh, Jess the Beheader?
Magnus: Oh!
Merle: Hmm.
Magnus: Uh huh.
Merle: WWE, right?
Jenkins: She is a famous Midworld Wrestling Federation star. Of course, I don’t know why they call it wrestling because it is a blood sport. Uh, th- there’s not much grappling as there is uh, you know, deadly melee. [pronounced “muh-lay”] But, um.
Merle: You wrestle with your conscience after you kill somebody.
Jenkins: Yes, and she has a very particular way of dispatching her foes.
Taako: [crosstalk] Let me guess!
Magnus: [crosstalk] Is it possibly--
Jenkins: What’s that?
Magnus: She un-heads them.
Taako: She cuts their butt off.
Jenkins: Yes. Well.

[Clint laughs]

Taako: Did I get it, Jenkins?
Jenkins: Yes, you got it. Ten--
Taako: [crosstalk] Just between us wizards.
Jenkins: You just - A hundred trivia points to you, my good sir.


Travis: “You get a free round of shots in the bar car.”

Jenkins: Uh, I don’t know what brings her on the train. I do know that I did have to carry her axe into the back car, and boy howdy, did that thing weigh a metric ton. Uh, but I don’t mean to complain. I’m happy to do the work.

Travis: “It’s not where I thought I’d end up in life, but you know, life’s a continuing, evolving adventure.”

Jenkins: I-I love life on the rails. It’s-- you meet a lot of interesting people.
Taako: Did you carry the axe back there?
Jenkins: Yes.
Taako: [to himself] Kind of a shitty wizard.


Jenkins: I’m...sorry, sir?
Taako: [laughs] Nothing.
Jenkins: No, tell-- No--
Taako: That’s second level stuff, dude!


Jenkins: No, come on, let’s-- let’s have a wizard chat. And I’d like to hear--
Taako: [crosstalk] [amused] You should get out there-- You should get out there and level up, I’m saying!
Jenkins: [crosstalk] What am I going to do-- What am I going to do, burn one of my daily slots [Travis laughs] on making an axe levitate?
Taako: Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize life on the trails was so demanding  you had to have pyrotechnics at your fingertips twenty-four sev’.
Merle: [laughs] Or you could just do what I do, which is have unlimited spell slots and use every spell in the book!

Travis: [crosstalk] It’s called cheating!

Jenkins: [crosstalk] I’ve heard of you.
Taako: From every discipline!
Jenkins: You are of the god kind.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He says, uh,

Jenkins: Now, behind the sleeping car--sleepy car-- [amused] Sometimes I call it the sleepy car. Behind the sleepy car is our dining car. You can go there for, uh--
Magnus: Peace!
Jenkins: Okay.

Travis: Magnus leaves.

Jenkins: Well, we can walk with you. We can do like a walk and-- Nope, you’re just going by--
Merle: Nope, he’s gone.
Jenkins: Well, to you two--

Travis: Now, Griffin, I need you to describe both scenes simultaneously.


Griffin: Um. I won’t do that. I’m very, very tired.

Travis: I pop back into the sleeping car.

Magnus: You guys! The craziest thing just happened in there! [laughter] Let me tell you about it.

Griffin: Travis is taking control.


Clint: Magnus has turned into Kramer.

Magnus: It was ridiculous! They just handed me 2,000 gold when I walked in!

[Clint laughs]

Jenkins: Uh, behind the sleeping car is the dining car. You can go there for one free complimentary meal of your choice. [amused] I’m also the chef on this train, so I’ll make sure to-- [Clint giggles] Now that I can put a name to a face, I’ll make sure to bake a lot of love into whatever you order.

[Travis laughs]

Taako: You saving your spells for that? [crunching noises]
Jenkins: What’re you eating?

Travis: And then- and then he eats a carrot in his face.


Taako: Hardtack.

Travis: That’s Taako’s-- that’s Taako’ mic drop.

[Justin laughs]

Taako: I’m eating hardtack. Life’s hard on the road.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: The only time that you’re allowed to eat food while recording this podcast is if it’s foley work for actual in-game eating. So I’m just assuming that Taako’s, like, having a party right now on some baby carrots.

Justin: [laughs] He’s eating some hardtack.

Griffin: What is hardtack?

Justin: You know, like Johnny cakes?

Travis: You know.

Clint: [laughing] No, that’s not hardtack!

Travis: It is! They’re seabiscuits.

Justin: [crosstalk] You know, hardtack. Like, really hard-- really hard bread that they had during the Civil War. I’m surprised you didn’t read up on this before we recorded.

Travis: [crosstalk] And then they used it to put stuff up on the wall.

Justin: [crosstalk] I told you I was gonna do a whole hard--

Griffin: [crosstalk] You were gonna have a-- Justin’s gonna go on another hardtack run.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: You gotta edit this one out too, Griffin.

Jenkins: Uh, and then behind that is of course the cargo car. You should’ve been walked through our security protocols at the station.

Griffin: Wait, what am I doing? What’s this fucking voice?

Clint: You’ve gone into Mr. Belvedere.

Jenkins: And then of course behind--

Griffin: What- what was it?


Travis: It’s a moving target!

Clint: [crosstalk] It was Vincent Price!

Jenkins: And of course behind--

Clint: [imitating the character Droopy] And a little Droopy Dog, too.

Travis: [also imitating Droopy] “I’m sad.”

[Justin laughs]

Travis: [still imitating Droopy] “I’m Jenkins.” That’s how you sound!

Jenkins: And of course--


Travis: [Droopy voice] “Back there’s the cargo car.”

Justin: [crosstalk] [impersonating Jenkins] “I’m sort-- I’m sort of the Mel Blanc of the train. [laughter] Keep everybody in stitches. All these different characters. Which one’s the real me? You’ll never know.”

Jenkins: The three of you are being very cruel to me.


Travis: [Droopy voice] “I’m sad now.”

Clint: [Droopy voice] “You’re making me very, very unhappy.”


Jenkins: [choking up] I-- I live to serve the people on this train, [laughter] and I’ve never been treated like this in my life.

Justin: Smokin’!

[laughter, slow clapping, someone sounds almost in tears. they all lose it for a good ten seconds]

Griffin: This is not-- this is not out-of-- of-character laughing. [laughter] This whole time, everything you’ve done in the past two minutes has been to this man’s face. You’re just standing-- oh--


Jenkins: Do you want-- do you even want the rest of the tour?
Merle: Yeah, I--
Magnus: Jenkins.

Travis: I hug him.

Justin: [crosstalk] Wait wait wait. If this has all been in character, are you telling me that this person Jenkins, [squeaking with laughter] who is having this, like, incredible mental breakdown, where, where he couldn’t remember what his own voice sounded like?


Justin: We’re just--

Travis: [crosstalk] It was a very metaphysical moment for-- “Who am I??”

Clint: [crosstalk] It’s a psychotic incident!

Justin: This is kayfabe, I need to know that Jenkins was having this breakdown right in front of us! “What is-- No, that’s not it. It’s up here!”

Travis: “Who am I?? What am Jenkins??”


Travis: I-I hold Jenkins.


Jenkins: No, it’s-- No. I’m quite--I’m a big brave boy.


Magnus: [crosstalk] You’re my big brave boy, Jenkins.
Jenkins: [crosstalk] I can stand up to the slings and arrows that you fling at me. I just--I would just like to finish the tour and get back to work please.
Taako: [laughing] No, by all means!
Magnus: Jenkins, we’re just trying to make you strong, brother.
Jenkins: [quickly] Behind the dining car is the cargo car. I’m done. Have a good day. Let me know if you need anything, but...but don’t expect a quick response. [laughter] Of course, of course, of course it will be a quick response. I’m sorry, I can’t let my--
Merle: [crosstalk] How do we-- How do we summon you, Jenkins?
Jenkins: Well, the train has four goddamn cars, so just open all the doors and yell.
Magnus: So, is it like a magic word, or like a whistle? Is there a bell somewhere?
Jenkins: Yes. I-- a witch kissed me and cursed me [Travis laughs] so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins.

[Justin laughs]

Magnus: Got it!
Merle: J- Jenkins, would you open the window, please?
Taako: Careful, don’t burn a spell on it. [snickering]
Jenkins: I, yes, here.

Griffin: He opens the window.

Jenkins: Is that good?
Merle: Perfect. Perfect.

Griffin: Uh, you feel the train--

Travis: [crosstalk] [whispering] Griffin, Griffin, out-of-character, this is a great time to come up with uh, a Jenkins catchphrase. I feel like he’s gonna be a fan-favorite. Maybe like as he leaves, have him say something like sassy.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Sure.

Justin: How about this? What do you think about this one? …“Dy-no-mite!”

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: I like that one.

Griffin: Okay, so that’s the one that I’m gonna use, definitely. Uh, the- the train lurches and starts to move forward, and Jenkins, uh, l-looks out the window he just opened, and says, um,

Jenkins: There’s a man standing in front of the train, which is peculiar. Um, if you’ll excuse me, I will need to go and handle that situation. Excuse me.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Oh no!
Merle & Magnus: Call him Tom.
Merle: Call him Tom.
Jenkins: Sorry? How do you know it’s Tom Bodett out there?
Merle: Guess.
Magnus: It’s always Tom Bodett.
Taako: You think this is spell slot worthy, or?

[Clint laughs]

Jenkins: Okay, I’m out. Jinx...Jenk-- What was it?
Merle: “Dy-no-mite.”
Jenkins: Sayonara! No, that sucks.

[Travis laughs]

Magnus: You’ll get it. You’ll find it.

Griffin: He says-- He turns to you and closes the door. Uh, but then he cracks it back open and pokes his face in, and he says,

Jenkins: Smell you later.


Clint: And a T-shirt is born!

{30:16-36:16 commercial and jumbotron break}

Clint: Anybody tired?

Travis: I could take a short rest.

Justin: Let’s take a short rest.

Griffin: Okay, you take a 15 minute power nap-

Travis: Like, a Pzizz.

Griffin: You take a Pzizz right there, as the- the train uh, departs, from uh, Rockport Station. Uh… and- and as it departs, it has started to, uh, begin its journey through the Teeth, the, uh, mountain range that connects the two major landmasses.

Travis: Next it’ll be the tongue, and then the throat.


Griffin: Uh,

Clint: Here it comes!

Travis: And these are the enunciators!

Griffin: [crosstalk] And then through-- and then through the gully works.

Clint: Let’s head into the car, so we can talk to those guys.

Griffin: Okay, um, you go into the, uh, you go into the passenger car. Uh, nobody is actually there right now. Uh, you hear the sound of-- You hear somebody from the, uh, car behind you, from the dining car. Uh, you hear a voice going like,

Voice: Oh, wow! Oh man!

Travis: Oh, we run in there! I wanna know what it is!

Clint: Let’s go into the dining car.

Griffin: [amused] You go into the dining car, where you hear, uh, these, uh, exclamations. The dining car is the fanciest car on the train. There are a couple of, uh, uh, crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, over, uh, eight or nine, uh, you know, five-seat tables, uh, that are all very, uh, intricately set with crimson tablecloths and gold cutlery, uh, on them. Uh, there are large windows overlooking the uh, the--well, the nothing. You’re going through a mountain. Uh, but there are actually some, uh, either magical or just sort of bioluminescent, uh, lights that you will pass by every few seconds or so. Just to let you know that you are making progress, so somehow they’ve- they’ve set up a, uh, some interior lighting inside of this train route.

Griffin: Uh, in this car, you don’t see Jess the Beheader. But you do see the fancy boy, he’s sitting at a table in the corner, uh, still reading his book, just sort of surveying the scene. Uhhm, and uh, you see on one of the walls, on the far side of the room is almost like a- a little booth, like a, almost like a confessional chamber that has its door open. Uhh. And, uh, you see Jenkins standing outside of it, seems to be channeling some sort of spell onto the- the- the chamber, and then emerging from the chamber is the Juicy Wizard, uh, who says, uh,

Juicy Wizard: Man, that was amazing! I’ve never felt so relaxed in my whole life!

Griffin: And, uh, Jenkins says,

Jenkins: Mm, I’m glad that you enjoyed that. I- I live to serve, and--

Justin: [crosstalk] It’s Seaman, Griffin. I just realized.

Griffin: That’s what it was. It was Seaman. He’s uh-- his eyes are still kind of red, and the guy, the Hedge Wizard asks,

Juicy Wizard: Hey man, are you all right? You- you seem like you’re upset.

Griffin: And Jenkins says,

Jenkins: No, I don’t want to talk about it.

[Someone snorts]

Clint: “I met these three jerks--”

Magnus: [crosstalk] Jenkins!
Jenkins: [crosstalk] Oh god…
Magnus: [crosstalk] What up, dog?
Jenkins: That’s them. Hello, how was your nap? Is everything good-- Do you need any--
Magnus: [crosstalk] I had a good nappy.
Jenkins: That’s great to hear. Maybe you were being very fussy before because you hadn’t had your--
Magnus: [crosstalk] I was a fussy baby, am I right, Jenkins?
Jenkins: So just a real quick-- I-- first of all, do you need anything, but before that, do you have maybe anything you wanna tell me?
Magnus: Still dig the bow tie.
Taako: Jenkins... I'm really sorry... about threatening Tom Bodett earlier. When we were back in the village, I just wanted to see if--
Merle: [crosstalk] Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Is he okay?
Taako: Is he doing alright, do you think?
Jenkins: Uh, are you speaking about the Tom Bodett who tried to kill himself in front of our train? Uh-
Taako: Hey Jenkins!
Jenkins: Yes.
Taako: Great choo-choo by the way. Uh, quick question, ah, you mentioned the pleasure room, and we got a little weird about it, but now that I'm more relaxed, and sort of comfortable in my own sexual truth right now, [everyone laugh-wheezes] can you talk to me about--?
Magnus: [Taako Voice] I just wanna chase my bliss?
Taako: I'm just trying to chase my bliss, can you tell me about the- the pleasure room--? [trailing off]

Griffin: Uh, he says, uh,

Jenkins: Well, you're looking at it! Uh, it's not this train car, we don't--
Taako: You just opened your shirt! I don't understand--
Jenkins: Oh, I'm sorry, I had an itch on my tummy, lemme get that. And... got it. Okay, uh, buttoning back up now, slowly, [someone snorts] uh, and we are fully dressed. This is uh, the- the pleasure chamber, it is not a sex thing-- eh, maybe it can be. Uh. It is actually a type of magic I specialize in, uh, called a port, and I can make it so that when you enter this chamber, you can be in any room, anywhere in the world that you want to be, uh, just a quick getaway while we're travelling through this uh, rather bleak mountain, uh, environment.
Taako: How does that work? Tell--

Travis: I lay my hand-- I lay my hand on Jenkins' shoulder and say,

Magnus: There's nowhere I'd rather be than here, my man.

Travis: And I squeeze gently.

Jenkins: So you don't want uh, a trip in the pleasure chamber.
Magnus: No, I do. I do.
Taako: I uh, didn't te--
Jenkins: You literally-- you literally just said that you'd rather not be--
Magnus: Listen Jenkins, we all said some stuff.
Taako: Listen, how does it work? Do we tell you where we wanna go, or--
Jenkins: You tell me where you want to go, there are some restrictions, it's a- it’s a kind of teleportation. Uh, but, uh, you can only open up a pleasure room to a room that only has one entrance and exit, uh, and that is what you step through, through this port, you- you can't leave--
Magnus: Is it an illusion?
Jenkins: Uh, it is- no, it is-it is a type of teleportation, but it is a very limited type. You can't take anything, uh, from the room, if you leave something behind, it will be destroyed, so don't do that. Uh. Make sure you have your belongings with you--
Taako: [crosstalk] Where did, um, where did Juicy go?
Jenkins: He went to one of our, uh, special luxury pleasure rooms we have pre-fabricated. Uh, it-it recreates the beaches off the Sword Coast-- uh, you- you know the ones.
Magnus: Oh yeah.
Taako: Right.
Jenkins: Where the palm trees sway, and--
Magnus: Oh, yea yea yeah.
Jenkins: The beach babies are... they are extant.
Merle: Ben Pressler's there...
Jenkins: Uh, he- he wanted a tropical getaway, and so we hooked him up with our tropical getaway room, but you don't have to use one of our prefabricated rooms, if you can think of any room in the world that you wanna be in, uh,
Magnus: What, can we-- take your pick, and-- sorry, what?
Magnus: Can we say like we want to go visit somebody, but we don't know what room they're in? It's gotta be a specific room?-
Jenkins: You gotta tell me the room unfortunately, you can't just say "I wanna be in a... a bank vault," not that would it matter, 'cause you couldn't take the money anyway, but.
Magnus: Could you recreate our- our sleeping car?
Jenkins: I... guess so? that would be kind of crazy... I'm- I’m not- I’m not creating anything, you're actually going to these rooms.
Magnus: Mhmm.
Merle: Alright, I'd like to try it out!
Jenkins: Yeah, please!
Merle: I have a room I'd like to go to!
Jenkins: Oh-- what are you--
Merle: Can I go-- can I--

Clint: I'm still trying to do the Scottish thing!

Griffin: Kind of!

Merle: [exaggerated Scottish accent] Alright! I'll go--

Griffin: Nope. And I'm not complaining! I'm just like, pick one!

Justin: If he- if he does-- If you do that voice, I'm gonna have him port you to the pleasure room in the inky blackness of space.

Merle: [normal voice] Alright. I’d like to go to the, uh--
Taako: What happened to your accent?

[Griffin laughs]

Merle: Do I have to-- [milder Scottish accent] You told me to stop doing it, dammit!!
Taako: No, Justin told you to stop doing it.
Merle: Oh.
Taako: Taako’s a fan.
Merle: Alright, here’s what I want to do. I want to go to--
Jenkins: I thought your name was Justin.
Merle: I’d like to go to the room where uh, where our uh, my package is. I want to see my package.
Jenkins: Are you talking about the cargo car, which is literally--
Merle: Yes.

Griffin: And he points to the left--

Jenkins: Through this door, right here, you want to use my incredible teleportation magic to go into the room that is adjacent to the room we’re currently in?
Merle: No.

Justin: And also you can’t do that-

Merle: Well when you put it that way, no.
Jenkins: Yeah when I put it any way, then no.
Merle: Here, alright alright, I want to go to the engineer’s room. I want to go where he is
Jenkins: That’s not [louder] behind a locked door that I can’t go through!
Jenkins: I preferred the other voice. Um--
Merle: It’s just a lil’ it Scrooge McDucky isn’t it?

[crosstalk agreement and giggling]

Travis: Where’s Flintlock Gongold or whatever the fuck his name is?

Griffin: It was Flintlock Glompgold, Trav, you got it. Uhhm.

Jenkins: Unfortunately, no, I won’t do that. Like it’s, like, a security protocol for the train, like, why?
Merle: You said anywhere!
Jenkins: Any room in the world, any luxurious- a-a day- a day spa, a-a a botanical garden, a-
Magnus: [crosstalk] You know what, Jenko?
Jenkins: Yes?
Magnus: I’m gonna take you up on that later, dog. For right now, I’m gonna get my grub on.
Jenkins: Ok, if you say so. But if you change your mind... Can I entice either of the two of you?
Merle: I don’t think- I don’t want to waste it.

Justin: Yeah, I don’t feel like we’re grounded enough yet to kind of know what we’re doing here.

Merle: [crosstalk] Let us have a little nosh, and we’ll get back to ye.
Jenkins: Okay...

Travis: I go sit next to the fancy lad.

Griffin: Ok, uhh, are- are the other two following suit?

Clint: Yes, I want to walk up to the fancy lad and I want to say to him,

Merle: You’re a fancy lad.

Clint: and I pull out my Xtreme Teen Bible,

Merle: You know, being fancy is good, [others giggle] but sometimes it’s better to be Pan-cy and not just fancy. Let me read to you about Pan from my Xtreme Teen Bible, what do you say?
Fancy Lad: [a young, high voice] Uh, hello sir. Thank you for the evangelism, but I’m affiliated already and I appreciate it. And my dad says that I sh-- Im not allowed to talk to people who worship pagan gods.

[Long Pause]

Merle: Well, uh, that’s fine, I guess. Uh, but you know if you’re gonna stay close-minded and you’re not gonna be open to new ideas, you’re not going to grow up to be a very well-rounded young man.
Fancy Lad: Ok sir, I-I apologize if I was being rude before. Please tell me the good news.
Merle: Well, I’ll tell you what. Let me leave you this Pan Chick tract, and you read it-
Fancy Lad: Oh great! R-re-reading’s my favorite.

Griffin: He says.

Merle: I noticed you were reading a book, so you read this- this tract, it’s by this man named Chick. And it’s all about Pan’s tiny shoes, and it will lead you to make the right decision.
Fancy Lad: Thank you very much-

Travis: [crosstalk] This’s been some solid Dungeons and Dragons-ing.

Fancy Lad: What is- what is your name-

Travis: Really moving the story forward!


Fancy Lad: My name-
Merle: I’m Brother- I’m Brother Leeman, just call me Brother Leeman.
Fancy Lad: Brother Leeman, hello. My name is Angus, I’m a little boy. I- Do you- I’m going to visit my grandpa in Neverwinter. Have you been to Neverwinter before?

Travis: I nudge- I nudge Taako.

Magnus: He’s the bad guy [Angus crosstalking trying to say “excuse me”] [whispering] We’ve, that’s definitely the bad guy, that’s definitely the bad guy!
Angus: Excuse me, sirs. My grandpa says it’s rude to whisper, especially on a train. My name’s Angus!
Magnus: We had to say dirty words, Angus, dirty words that you can’t hear. Adult words.
Merle: [crosstalk] Hi Angus!
Angus: My grandpa s- my grandpa says swears are not-
Taako: Hi Angus, where are you from?
Angus: Me? I’m not allowed to say.
Magnus: Are you from Phandalin?
Angus: No, where is that?
Magnus: [crosstalk] Good. Doesn’t matter.
Angus: I’ve never even heard of Phandalin.
Magnus: And you never will.
Taako: And you never will.
Angus: I like to read my books because it- it’s like I get to go on a journey in my mind!
Magnus: [whispering] Taako! It’s definitely-
Angus: What are your names?
Magnus: [whispering] What little kid likes reading? It’s him!
Angus: Sirs, what are your names?
Merle: Well, um, like I said-
Angus: I already heard your name, sir. Thank you for telling me it.
Merle: [crosstalk] Oh, right, sorry.

[Justin laughs]

Magnus: I’m-I’m Diddly.
Taako: I’m Justin.
Angus: Diddly and Justin, those are two fabulous names. My name’s Angus!
Magnus: What’s your last name, Angus?
Angus: McDonald.
Magnus: [chuckles] Angus McDonald, you say?
Merle: Angus, do you like magic tricks?
Angus: I do. I like them very much, my grandpa said he would take me to one in Neverwinter. He would take me- He told me--
Magnus: What’s your grandpa’s name?
Angus: My grandpa told me, he said, “I’m going to take you to a magic trick!” It didn’t make a lot of sense-
Magnus: Angus, are you off-put by three grown men standing over you, asking you a bunch of questions?
Angus: No, I was hoping I would meet people and make friends on the train.
Merle: Even though you’re not allowed to talk to ‘em? That’s pretty interesting!
Angus: Well, strangers aren’t strangers anymore once you’ve talked to them and learned their names.
Magnus: Do you want to go to the pleasure room with me?

[Clint laughs]

Angus: I already went to the pleasure room. I went to my dad’s library. Did I say my dad? I meant my grandpa.
Magnus: What’s your grandpa’s name?

[Clint laughs]

Angus: My grandpa forgot his name. He’s very old.
Magnus: Wait, but you also forgot it? You never knew it, Angus?

[Justin laughing]

Angus: The memory of my grandpa’s name died long before I was born.

Travis: [laughs] It’s a word not spoken since the birth of dragons.

[Justin laughing continues, barely stifled]

Angus: He prefers- He prefers grandpa. I call him grandpa, ‘cause he’s my grandpa. I love him.
Magnus: [whispering] This is definitely a set-up. He’s the bad guy!
Merle: Well let me show him my magic trick.

Justin: [still laughing] Just let it ride.

Merle: Let me show you this magic trick, alright?
Angus: Ok, sir.
Merle: It- it’s called Zone of Truth. And when I cast Zone of Truth, well, you’ll just have to see how cool it is.
Magnus: No wait!

Clint: Merle casts Zone of Truth.

Angus: My- my brain feels like it's tingling. I feel like I’m sneezing, but long. Like a long sneeze.

[Travis laughs]

Merle: That’s the magic!
Angus: Is it- uh- it’s not a- I uh- ok!
Merle: Great!
Angus: I get a chance to roll and resist this, right?
Merle: Yes you do, you get to throw a charisma saving roll.

Griffin: Ok.

Travis: And- and Clinton, remind me, does this affect all of us in the zone?

Clint: No it’s just whoever I target it.

Travis: Oh thank Jesus.

Griffin: I don’t think that’s true.

Justin: I don’t actually think that’s accurate either.

Griffin: I think the Zone of Truth is a zone. Otherwise it would just be called Truth Beam- and you would hit it-

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, he rolled a 24.

Clint and Justin: What?

Griffin: And he-

Travis: No that’s too low, we were looking for a 25.

Angus: Hey, the tingles went away! That was a weird trick.
Magnus: Well, you’re growing up!

Justin: Can I- can I have a little side chat? If this fool just rolled a 24, he is uhh a really fucking bad guy. That’s like some mysterious shit.

Travis: [crosstalk whispering] He’s the bad guy!

Griffin: That’s racist!

Travis: You can’t hear this, we’re whispering!

Griffin: Right.

Clint: [crosstalk] Nah, he-he heard us!

Justin: This is clearly out of character!

Griffin: Yeah, and this is out of character too. I’m telling you you’re being racist right now. Just because someone rolls good, that makes them evil? It’s- it’s a luck-based-

Travis: Rolling good is a race, Griffin?

Griffin: It’s a luck-based mechanism-

Travis: I’ve seen the dice!

Clint: How can y- how can you roll a 20-sided dice and get a 24?

Griffin: He had a lotta charisma. He’s a charismatic young man.

Travis: [laughing] He’s- he’s in the Boy Scouts of America, he volunteers at his local soup kitchen, he’s a great kid. [whispering] He’s definitely the bad guy!

Clint: Magnus, kill him.

Travis: Well-

Clint: Kill him.

Travis: Hold on, he’s still a kid.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Well don’t- he’s a little boy.

Justin: We’re not going to kill a little boy.

Angus: Pardon me, sirs, do you have any fruit leather? I ran- I just plum ran out.
Magnus: Alright, Angus. We’re going to go talk to Juicy Wizard.
Angus: Uh. Ok. I had a good chat with you and I liked-
Magnus: Ok, we’re done.
Angus: Ok, sirs, well thank you very much for take-
Magnus: Angus! Take the hint.

[Clint laughs]

Angus: Kay, bye, just thanks for the company. Bye!

Griffin: As you turn to walk away from him, you swear that you see the color of his eyes just turn blood red, [laughter] and- No, I’m fucking with you. That’s not true. Umm, you’re going to talk to Juicy Wizard?

Travis: Mhmm.

Justin: [quietly] No-

Griffin: Ok, Juicy- Juicy Wizard is uh, sort of, uh, running his hands over the pleasure room chamber, like, just sort of eyeballing it. Like, studying it almost? And he’s like-

Juicy Wizard: [higher voice] Wow, this thing’s amazing. Don’t you guys love being on this train? This train’s the best!
Magnus: It’s pretty dope!
Juicy Wizard: Sorry, what are your names? I feel rude ‘cause I talked about how much I love this train before I introduced myself. And before you had a chance to introduce yourselves.
Magnus: Oh, uh, my name is Diddly.
Juicy Wizard: Diddly?
Magnus: Mhmm, Did-Diddly.
Juicy Wizard: Is that short for something?
Magnus: Bo-Diddly.
Juicy Wizard: Wouldn’t it- wouldn’t Bo be a much easier way to truncate that particular moniker?
Magnus: Way less fun, am I right, my man?
Juicy Wizard: You are so right! My name is-
Magnus: High five!
Juicy Wizard: Ok, let’s get that out there [sound of high-five] Now I can tell you that my name is Graham. It’s not as fun. I still sound like the boy that you were just talking to-

[loud overlapping laughing and agreeing]

Magnus: You have a youthful energy about you!
Taako: Yeah. A very Angus-like vibe.
Graham: Uh, what are your guys’ names?
Merle: I’m Leeman. Leeman Kessler.
Graham: Hi, Leeman!
Merle: Hi, Graham.
Taako: Justin.
Graham: Uh, I can’t help but notice your garb. Your robe and your hat. Are you perchance a wizard too?
Taako: Yeah, man.

Travis: [crosstalk] [laughs] Totally!

Taako: Don’t you recognize me from TV?

[Someone makes a shushing sound]

Graham: Oh my god, is it really you?
Taako: Justin… [someone laugh-wheezes] …is a stage name. No, wait. Strike that. [Clint and Travis laugh] Taako-- How old are you, Graham?
Graham: Me?
Taako: Yep.
Graham: Oh, I’m-- I’m, uh-- Me? Oh, my age?
Taako: Yep.
Graham: Me? My age?

Griffin: I’m trying to--

Graham: [voice getting deeper] Me? My age? I’m an-- I’m not a little boy; I’m--

Travis: He’s aging before our very eyes!


Taako: Okay, pipe down, Benjamin--
Graham: [crosstalk] I’m thirty-six years young!
Taako: Pipe down, Benjamin Button; let me lay it down for you. Um, I’m Taako the wizard from TV; yes, it’s great to meet you too. Ah, but on the train, uhhh, when I’m in private life, I go by my real name, Justin Leeman.
Graham: Oh, that’s not that weird to have a train name. [laughter] A name-- A name that you use, only on trains. Can I tell you something?
Taako: Yeah-- [laughs]
Graham: [voice slightly deeper] Can I tell you-- Can I tell you something?
Taako: Please.
Graham: [voice getting even deeper] Can I tell you something?

[Clint laughs]

Taako: Yeah, go-- go nuts, my man.
Graham: Graham is my train name.

[Clint chuckles]

Taako: Do you have another real name?
Graham: Yeah! Per--
Taako: What is it?
Graham: Percy.
Merle: Good choice with Graham.
Taako: Yeah, Graham is way better.
Graham: It just feels like a thing that you would say on a train!
Taako: [crosstalk] Yeah, absolutely-- it does. It feels like a train name, I was thinking that.
Merle: [crosstalk] Mhm.
Graham: [crosstalk] Check this out: “All aboard, Percy!” It just doesn’t work, does it? Anyway--
Taako: [crosstalk] Doesn’t work.
Graham: Graham’s-- Graham’s my name.
Taako: Graham, what’s your school of magic, my man?
Graham: Uh, I’m undeclared. Workin’ on it! It’s just--
Taako: [crosstalk] Oh, that’s fine. I remember that age.
Graham: [crosstalk] I move down one ladder, and it’s like--
Taako: [crosstalk] Sure.
Graham: [crosstalk] --Yeah, I-- evocation’s pretty great, but I’d sure love to turn that apple into, uh, s-something else! See, I lack creativity, and that help-- that hinders me.
Taako: That’s a hindrance, right, but you’ll find it. Don’t beat yourself up.
Graham: Will I?
Taako: Mm…

Clint: Hm.

Travis: He is thirty-six.

Graham: What I really wanna do,

Griffin: he says, is, uh,

Graham: is I, uh, I would love to work on a train. It’s been my dream my whole life, is to be, be a work on a train, be whatever role they need me on, just to live life on the rails. It’s just someth-- It’s just always appeal-- This train is amazing! They have a pleasure chamber--
Taako: [crosstalk] Grab-- Just grab a mop, my man! Grab life by the horns.
Graham: What do you-- Just, like, start mopping? And just, like, see--
Taako: Just start mopping, yeah!
Graham: And see what happens?
Taako: Sure!
Graham: Is that the Secret?
Merle: Either that, or be a hobo.
Taako: YOLO.
Graham: I could be a yobo.

[Clint laughs]

Taako: A YOLO hobo.
Graham: I would have a hard time finding a place where I could squat on- on this particular train. But, uh--
Magnus: No, just go in the bathroom!
Graham: Gross. [Clint and Travis laugh] What a very gross thing. Yeah, I’ve--I actually--it’s uncomfortable because, um, I just applied to be on this train, and I didn’t get accepted. Um, and so I just sort of came on to shadow, uh, Jenkins, just to, like, see what I could learn. See what I could pick up--

Travis: I lean over to Taako.

Magnus: [whispering] Motive! That’s motive!
Taako: You’re a-- You’re a worse wizard than Jenkins?

[Clint laughs]

Justin: I said that loud enough so that Jenkins could hear.


Jenkins: Why would you do that?
Taako: Oh, I didn’t want you to have to waste a spell slot trying to read my mind.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Um, he says--

Taako: I know how precious they are.
Graham: I feel like this conversation is starting to take a turn for the worse, so I’m gonna head out. Not leave, ‘cause the train’s going through a mountain, and I would die, [Clint and Justin laugh] but, you get the picture.
Taako: Sure, yeah.
Graham: It was great to meet you guys!

Griffin: Uh, and he, uh, walks [amused] just not very far away from you. Uh, he- he walks, uh, like eight feet away from you and sits down at a table by himself. It was very clear he didn’t have any pressing, like, engagement that he needed to get to. He just-- I think he preferred not your company at that point.

Clint: We are really making friends on this train.

Justin: Influencing people.

[the music plays, a final message from Griffin about their sponsors, and the episode ends]

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