Balance – Episode 11: Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter Two/Transcript

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Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:

Director: One of our reclaimers, a brave soldier named Leeman Kessler, was murdered in the city of Rockport. He had just managed to locate and retrieve one of the grand relics. Uh, he managed to secure passage on this train, loaded his cargo onto the train, so all three of you can board. But one of you will need to be Leeman Kessler. Retrieve the relic and get it back to us, any way that you can.

Magnus: [whispering] Avi! Shh shh shhh. Be cool for two seconds.


Avi: Okay.

Griffin: You pull the handle, and your descent starts to slow down. You realize, just as you land, uh, that you are in a swamp. These dark green leeches begin to come out of the tree.

Travis: I’m going to run over to the tree, and I’m going to use Railsplitter to fell it so it falls over on top of all three of them.

Griffin: Okay, awesome. Uh, but the tree falls to the side and just completely obliterates the leech that was closest to the base, the one that was actually right next to you, Magnus.

[crunching noise]

Justin: Listen to Rosa Crunch over here!


Announcer: Are you a Max Fun Drive donor, or a Max Fun Drive boner? Time to make up your mind as you enter The Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]


Travis: [imitating the theme music] Do do doo do do doo… Is that the music?

Griffin: Yeah, you- good work, Travis.

Clint: What is that music by the way? That’s beautiful.

Travis: I wrote it with my mouth.

Griffin: It’s Travis--

Travis: Do do doo do do doo…

Griffin: The opening theme to the Adventure Zone is just Travis doing acapella.

Clint: Wow.

Griffin: One leech down. Next in the order is actually the leeches. Uh, they, the two of them are, uh--

Travis: [laughs] The two of them mourn their fallen friend; they lose a turn.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: They’re about 5 feet apart, um--

Travis: [slightly high-pitched voice] “No, Steven!”

Griffin: --uh, in front of the felled tree. Um, one of them, uh, scooches over towards Magnus. And one of them scooches over toward Merle. Magnus the, uh, the leech that has moved over towards you, uh, doesn’t actually lunge forward and attack; it actually rears back and opens up that hideous Sarlacc-like mouth. Uh, you see its haunting glottis, uh, part--

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: --in the back of its throat, and it tries to spray you with a stinky, yellow fluid. Um, and you are going to need to make a dexterity saving throw to, uh, prevent--

Travis: How do I--how do I do that? Just roll a d20?

Griffin: Roll a d20 and add your dex.

Travis: [die roll] That is 17.

Griffin: 17, okay. Yeah, you dodge out of the way of this stinky, yellow, uh, fluid. Uh, it lands with a splash in the swamp.

Magnus: [crosstalk] Guys, look out for their glottis!

Griffin: Merle, the, uh, injured one, uh, that you hit with the thorn whip, uh, has moved over to you. You are waist-deep in the muck. Uh, you sank down during your last turn. Uh, it does rear back and attacks you, [die roll] and it gets a 19 versus your AC.

Travis: I’m gonna use my uh, defender thing.

Griffin: You are not next to Dad, so you cannot. You have to be within five feet.

Travis: Do I?

Griffin: Yeeesss.

Travis: You are correct.

Clint: I am going to--

Griffin: You basically-- In order to use that, Travis, you have to be, like--

Travis: Right next to them.

Griffin: --fight-- fighting in melee with the same person.

Travis: Sorry, I thought it was someone I could see. It’s been awhile since we fought anything.

Griffin: Yeah, ‘cause you’re not Captain America; you can’t, like, chuck your shield in front of them.

Travis: I look forward to getting that ability later on whenever the D-- DM deems it appropriate.

Griffin: Well, I gave you an instant chop down tree axe in the last episode, so.

Justin: A chance at getting that axe.

Travis: Griffin, when we started that last episode, I was in my head, going, “I hope Griffin puts me near a tree.” Even if it’s just, like, walking down a road, there’s a tree, Magnus chops it.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, Merle, what’re you- gonna--do you have something to prevent this attack?

Clint: Mm…

Griffin: ‘Cause you said you were gonna do something.

Clint: Yeah, I thought it was my turn.

Griffin: No, it’s the leech’s turn, and he has, uh, bitten you for [die roll] ooh, damn--9 damage.

Clint: Hmm.

Travis: Wait, did the leech roll to attack?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: I don’t get a chance to evade?

Griffin: He rolled a 19 against your AC-- God, it has been a while since we done a battle, huh?

Travis: What am DnD?!

Griffin: Uh, yeah, he rolled a 19 against your AC. What’s your AC?

Clint: 18.

Griffin: Yep, so he hits. He rolled a 9 for the damage, um, and he doesn’t just bite you, he bites you and-

Travis: He bites you and empties out your bank account.

Justin: [laughs] He bites you and steals your identity.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He empties out your blood account, a little bit. He, uh, he latches on there, and he gets, uh, he gets a good, uh, pint and a half of your blood out of you. And uh--

Justin: [crosstalk] That’s ridiculous. You don’t know how much a pint is. That doesn’t make any sense.

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s a lot-- Griffin, that’s a lot of blood.

Justin: You just--that’s three cups of blood.

Merle: Hey, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me!

Justin: He drank three cups of blood?

Merle: I can spare it; I’m all right. Now I’m pissed now.

Travis: [laughing] Wait, you can spare it?? Did Merle have a lot of extra blood we don’t know about??

Justin: And there’s the time expended! Did he just say, “Well, he’s gonna be at that for a while. I’m gonna go have a lie down. Try to find some Little Debbie’s.”

Griffin: No, he basically just shotgunned Dad. He basically just shotgunned Merle. Um, yeah he got, I’m gonna stick with it, pint and a half. Suck that right out of you--


Griffin: --and when he uh, when he uh, detaches, he actually looks a little bit heartier, uh, than he did, uh, just- just before--

Travis: He’s grown a beard!

Griffin: Now, it is Taako’s turn. Taako Tuesday.

Justin: Uh yeah, how close are those two homies to each other? The two leeches?

Griffin: Uh, they are, they’re about fifteen feet away from each other. One is sort of engaged with, uh, Magnus, and one just had--

Justin: [crosstalk] Excellent. That was the exact right number!

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Uh, I’m gonna cast Thunder Wave.

Griffin: Thunder Wave. What is that now?

Justin: Well, let me tell you about Thunder Wave, Griffin.

Travis: Let me tell you about this new heat.

Clint: [to the tune of Tom Jones’ “Thunderball”] And he strikes, like Thunder Wave…!

Justin: The spell that sounds the most like a afternoon drive, uh, shock jock radio show, [Clint chuckles] Thunder Wave--

Travis: [like a radio DJ] You got Thunder Wave and the Leech, coming at ya live! [laughter] Every day, drive at five!

Clint: [also like a radio DJ] Here at the afternoon zoo…! Arooo…!

Griffin: Dad, you’re a little too good at that. [Clint laughs]

Justin: A wave of thunderous force sweeps out from me.

Griffin: [quietly] Shit. [Travis laughs]

Justin: Each creature-- I know. “Each creature in a fifteen foot cube, originating from you, must make a constitution saving throw. On a failed save, a creature takes two d8 thunder damage and is pushed ten feet away. On a successful save, it takes half as much damage and isn’t pushed.”

Griffin: M’kay, so because they are fifteen feet--

Travis: Oh, it hits them no matter what?

Justin: Yeah, I mean, they’re gonna get hit. It’s just about [Travis whistles] how much, whether or not they can cut that damage in half.

Griffin: M’kay. So what am I rolling to prevent this?

Justin: Uh, constitution.

Griffin: M’kay, let me come up with a fake number, ‘cause I didn’t come up with leech constitution, because frankly, Justin, I just didn’t think it was gonna come up.


Travis: Well, we see behind the curtain, and it’s messy back there.

Griffin: No, you know what, I’ll roll- I’ll roll a d6; that’s the only fair thing to do. Okay. All right, uh, and I’m just trying to beat your spellcasting? Your- your--

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: So, it was 13 before, now it’s 14. ‘Cause you got the +1--

Justin: Correct.

Griffin: Umbra Staff. Okay. [die roll] Uh, the first one gets, uh, an 11, so he’s gonna take it. [die roll] The other one crits, 20.

Travis: He’s super constituted.

Griffin: Uh, the first one, the- the- the first that you hit, the one closest to you, would be the one that just, uh, drained, that just shotgunned Merle.

Justin: [die roll] So I’m gonna--

Griffin: So he’s the one I guess who’s gonna take the damage.

Justin: [die roll] So he takes, uh, 11 damage.

Griffin: Holy shit. Okay, he’s bloodied, and [amused] some of that blood is Merle’s so you know what’s up.

Justin: And-- You always round down?

Griffin: Yeah. The other one is gonna take half damage?

Justin: Yeah, 5.

Griffin: That’s a- that’s a good spell.

Travis: Yep.

Justin: Thanks, I’m pretty, pretty partial to it.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, the one that, uh, just tried to spray Magnus is not bloodied, um, but he uh, takes the damage. Uh, I was considering making it so that the electricity would actually shock, uh, Merle a little bit, but I think we’ve established this is not water per se, and I don’t think that it would uh, conduct.

Travis: Plus, Griffin, thunder is not electricity. Lightning is electricity.

Griffin: Well, scientists still have yet to-- [Clint laughs] Kinda like global warming how like nobody’s, like, figured out if that’s really a thing yet.

Travis: Mhm.

Justin: Right.

Griffin: People are still kinda confused about which one is thunder and which one is lightning. [Travis laughs] Um. And which-- Are they both pushed?

Justin: The full damage one gets pushed ten feet, the other one is not pushed.

Clint: Do you get to choose which direction?

Justin: I would think--and this just like me pulling this out of my ass, but--I would think it would be in a line from me to them.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Away from--

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay. Um, okay. The leech that you hit for full damage, uh, the one that was, uh, having a Dad snack, goes flying back ten feet, um, lands relatively close to the other leech. You basically just blasted it right next to, uh, Magnus on the stump. So you got the two leeches by the stump with, uh, Magnus on top of it.

Travis: Is the tree close enough to them, Ditto, that they can, like--that Merle and Taako could like grab it and stop sinking?

Griffin: Uhh, no, it’s-- I mean it’s a good fifteen feet away.

Travis: Oh, okay.

Griffin: Um, next in the order is Merle. Merle, you are waist-deep in muck, uh, which obviously you are not going to be able to move until you remedy that.

Travis: And your arm feels really cold.

Griffin: Why is that?

Travis: That’s what happens when you donate blood.

Griffin: [amused] Oh, okay. Yeah, you haven’t had your orange juice and graham crackers yet.

Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah, do I get cookies?

Griffin: No.

Travis: Yeah, the leech bites you and then goes, [slightly deeper voice] “Here you go!”

Griffin: [imitating the leech] “Here you go, buddy.”

Travis: “Enjoy these peanut butter cookies I made! I’m a leech! Leech leech leech.”

Clint: I’m going to cast something that I think will be good for all three of us.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [crosstalk] [laughing] It’s a Godspell!

Clint: [crosstalk] ‘Cause that’s my nature. I’m gonna cast Tenser’s Floating Disk. *

Griffin: Are you sure that-- This- this sounds like a wizard’s spell.

Clint: I have changed my mind about what I’m going to do.

Travis: [laughing] Okay.

Griffin: Yeah, I was about to say, that sounds like some Harry Potter-ass shit.

Clint: [whining] It’s first level!

Griffin: Yeah, but it’s wizards.

Clint: I shall cast Flame Blade, which is on my list. Um, which one of them is the most damaged? Which one of the leeches?

Griffin: Uh, they are-- There’s a bloodied one. They’re- they’re both relatively in the same location. Is this a second level spell?

Clint: Yes it is.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Clint: Second level evocation. “You evoke a fiery blade in your free hand.” Travis is gonna be so jealous. “The blade is similar in size and shape to a scimitar.”

Travis: Aw, man!

Griffin: How’re you--so just another rule clarification. I’m assuming that you make a melee attack with this flaming scimitar?

Clint: Yes, a melee spell attack with the fiery blade.

Griffin: Yeah, you- you are not in melee range of these guys. You are, you are sunk half, waist-deep in the muck, and they are, like, about fifteen feet away from you.

Clint: M’kay.

Griffin: I hate to keep saltin’ your game, Daddy, but you gotta do--

Clint: “C’mon, Dad, let’s do a DnD podcast! [Travis laughs] It’ll be a blast!” … I cast Sacred Flame!

Griffin: Hell yeah. Now, this is a spell that you are legally allowed to cast--

Clint: [victoriously] “Flame-like radiance descends on a creature that you can see within range.” I assume I can see.

Griffin: M’kay.-

Travis: Oh no, you had your eyes closed when you cast it!

Griffin: Aw, no, you got swamp jizz in your eyes!

[Travis laughs]

Clint: I’m the only one you keep giving muck updates to, and it’s ‘cause I’m short! It’s all right!

Travis: No, you sank into it!

Griffin: You sank into the goo.

Clint: Yeah, but you said waist-deep.

Griffin: Oh, shit, wait.

Clint: And my waist is only--

Griffin: Retcon! Retcon Alert! Retcon Alert! Griffin forgot something! Retcon Alert!

Clint: Uh huh?

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Um, Taako, you didn’t move last turn, did you?

Taako: [amused] No.

Griffin: You sank waist-deep into the mud as well.

Taako: Yeah, them’s the breaks.

Clint: Mhm.

Griffin: M’kay.

Clint: Yep, all right.

Griffin: Okay, so both Taako and Merle. You are- you are right, Dad; I was being unfair. Both of you have sunk into the goo.

Clint: Ha ha! Wait.

Griffin: [crosstalk with Taako] Yeah you really helped out.

Taako: Guys! Guys, bad news. I lost my legs!


Clint: Uh, they take one d8 radiant damage.

Griffin: Just one of them, though, right? It’s not in a range.

Clint: Yeah, I wanna hit the bloodied one that gave me the hickey.

Griffin: The bloody one, and he’s making a saving throw?

Clint: He makes a dexterity saving throw.

Griffin: ‘Kay. I actually already gave them a dexterity modifier. [die roll] Uh, 6. Not gon’ do it. +1 for your, uh, Extreme Teen Bible.

Clint: Wait a minute, give me an 8 [die roll]

Travis: Well, that’s an automatic zero.

Griffin: If you don’t show up prepared, then you take the zero.

Travis: No number 2 pencil, eh?

Clint: It’s a 1 and then a 1, ‘cause I have my Extreme Teen Bible.

Griffin: Right. Most scientists and mathematicians agree that that is 2.


Travis: But it can’t be proven!

Griffin: M’kay. Uh, okay, that’s not--

Clint: And I don’t add any modifier to it?

Griffin: Nope.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: If only you cast that burning sword spell, that sounded dope.

Travis: Yeah, it sounded really cool, you guys.

Clint: W-W-W-W-Wait! Merle says,

Merle: Eat me!

Griffin: Okay. To the heavens?

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: To the- to the unreliable narrator?

Clint: [crosstalk] To you, DM.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Fantastic.

Justin: [crosstalk] [amused] He becomes momentarily aware of your existence.

Griffin: Okay. Uh. Is that it for your turn?

Clint: Yeah, I guess!

Griffin: Okay, you have sank completely--

Justin: Back on that popcorn grind, though.

Griffin: Don’t! No popcorn!

Clint: Oh! I’m sorry!

Justin: [laughing] He got that-- he got that 2 damage off-- He got that one sunburn on that leech, it was like, “Ah, time to popcorn out--”

Griffin: [crosstalk] Time for a little victory popcorn.

Travis: [crosstalk] Well!

Clint: [crosstalk] Did I break another rule??

[Justin laughs/cackles]

Griffin: So it’s important for you to know that this is not in punishment for your impunity, but you have sank completely into the slime.

Clint: Uh huh. Yeah.

Griffin: And uh, you are going to take some poison damage, because you can’t breathe slime.

Clint: Sure. You know, I forgot one birthday, Griffin. I’m so sorry!

[Griffin laughs]

Griffin: Uhh. [die roll] Go ahead and take 7 poison damage.

Clint: Sure, yeah. Okay.

Griffin: Uh. And you are completely submerged in- in, uh, in swamp now.

Justin: Can I ask a question? Is the poison damage because he can’t breathe liquid, or is it because the swamp itself is dangerous?

Griffin: Uh, it’s, it is because he can’t breathe poison swamp goo.

Justin: It’s poison swamp goo, so--

Griffin: It is if you breathe it. If you drink it, and you get it in your mouth and you drink it, it’s gonna hurt.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Uhh--

Justin: Are there fish? Is there wildlife? I mean, is there aquatic life that’s fine?

Griffin: These leeches don’t seem--

Travis: [crosstalk] What do we have to do to save the wetlands?

Griffin: Uh, I would be more worried about saving the cleric, at this point. Uhh. [Justin laughs] Next in the order is, uh, Magnus Burnsides.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You are safe on your stump. You got a--

Travis: I run down the felled tree to where--

Merle: [gurgling as if he’s submerged in water] I’m fine, fellas! Don’t worry about me!
Magnus: I’m coming to get you, Magnus! No, you’re Merle.
Merle: [still gurgling] No! It’s okay! Don’t worry.

Travis: Okay, um, whatever I can do to get me closest to where Merle went down.

Griffin: The tree is not going to be difficult terrain, so you can move down that. Uh, it’ll take you about five feet to get to a point where you can get sort of a straight line to try and run to Merle, uh, but once you get into the swamp it will be difficult terrain, and you won’t have enough movement to get there. Um, so you could try a leap, you could do a Leapin’ Loafers, you could try and, uh, do some Tarzan shit, um, if you want.

Travis: Oh yeah, wait no, I can leap up to my speed, right?

Justin: We should really be writing this stuff down.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: The- the Boots of Striding and Springing, or the Leapin’ Loafers, as we have called them, allow you to jump three times your normal distance. So, we’ll say fifteen feet.

Travis: Cool. Can I jump from the tree, then? Like, what, can I make it to him that way?

Griffin: Uh, yeah! Yeah, that’ll-- You’ll have enough movement to do that. You- you straight up Air Bud that shit.

Travis: Well, before I go--

Griffin: Oh okay.

Travis: I’m gonna tie the rope off to like a branch or something.

Griffin: What rope?

Travis: I got rope. Everybody’s got rope. It’s in my adventurer’s kit.

Griffin: Uh, okay, but that- that’s gonna be your action, homie. If you do that.

Travis: Tying a rope is an action?? That’s like, that’s level 1. This is first day of school shit.

Griffin: No that’s-- I mean--[Travis laughs, causing Griffin to laugh a little] Yes, but you are- you are taking the time to do something. That would be considered an action.

Travis: Okay, then I don’t--

Griffin: It’s not like you’re pressing a button or flipping a switch; you’re like--

Travis: Then I don’t tie the rope. Okay?

Griffin: [laughs] All right.

Travis: I just jump over, because I love Merle so damn much.

Griffin: M’kay.

Travis: And I reach in and pull him out of the goddamn swamp.

[thudding noises, coughing]

Griffin: Uh, well, okay. Again, we’re gonna make some checks ‘cause we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Justin: It’s like Thrilling Adventure Hour in here.

[squelching noises]

Griffin: Uh, you’re gonna have to make some checks, because that’s how we play Dungeons and Dragons; you don’t just say things and do it, ‘cause it’s a video game. Well, it’s a board game. Scientists have yet to agree. Uh, so you’re gonna plunge your hand into the goo where you think you just saw Merle. Uh, you reach in, you- you get some, you get a little bit of beard. Do you have a beard?

Merle: [still in the swamp, gurgling] I’m--Ow! Ow ow ow! Yeah, I got a beard!

Griffin: Wow, Dad, you should really be in charge of the- the foley work.

Clint: [still gurgling] Thank you.

Griffin: You do a much better job than I do. Uh, and Merle, why don’t you make a, or Magnus why don’t you make a--

Justin: You just make everything sound gooshy.

Griffin: That’s true.

Justin: I don’t like it.

Griffin: Well, that’s sort of like my, what tickles my fancy. Magnus, why don’t you pull, uh, pull your cleric out.

Travis: M’kay. [die roll] I roll a--what’s that, a strength?

Griffin: Strength check. Yeah, we’ll do a strength check.

Travis: M’kay, great. So that was a 15.

Griffin: 15! Yeah, you, in one sm- smooth motion, uh, [Merle lets out a relieved breath] remove the cleric [squelching swamp noise] from the swampy, uh, goo. Uh, you pull him out, and uh, uh, plop him back down on--well, not terra firma, it’s still swamp, but, uh, that- he is- he’s okay.

Clint: Terra slima. (pronounced slime-uh)

Griffin: Terra slima, yeah, sure.

Travis: And do I have any move-- That was all my move, right?

Griffin: That was it, yeah. But you don’t sink in!

Travis: I don’t?

Griffin: Nope.

Clint: Aha!

Travis: As long as you move, you don’t sink, kids.

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is… is the leeches. Um, they, uh, both scurry towards the party. You guys are relatively close together. Um, one of them actually goes for Taako, who is half-submerged, uh, and one of them goes for Magnus. Uh, Magnus, again, one of them rears back and spews its yellow spume at you from its haunting glottis. Uh, and you’re gonna make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: [die roll] …Saving throw, dex 2… I got 10.

Griffin: 10, that is insufficient. You are sprayed with, uh, fluid.

Travis: [crosstalk] Damn it.

Griffin: Uh, you take [die roll] 5 damage, uh and the fluid, as it hits you, almost like magic shell upon a scoop of ice cream, uh, firms up and becomes almost web-like, and you are, uh, restrained, meaning you, uh, you have zero movement, um, until you can successfully make a dexterity saving throw at the end of your turn.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: The other leech just goes for Taako, uh, and tries to chow down. [die roll] Uh, 16.

Travis: I- I will use my defender thing here though, right?

Griffin: Yeah, you are close enough for that.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Okay. [die roll] Uh, 8. Probably not gonna hit AC on Taako?

Justin: 12, no. Yeah, 12.

Griffin: 12. Okay. Uh. Yeah, you, uh--

Justin: Does that increase over--with like, with leveling up, or?

Travis: We gotta get you some new armor.

Justin: Yeah, okay.

Griffin: Uh, I think it is armor and also your dexterity modifier. As you increase that, your AC also goes up.

Justin: Okay, right. So it’s still 12.

Griffin: M’kay. Uh, yeah, so he does not manage to chow down. Uh. Taako, it is your turn, you are half-submerged, you got a leech right up on you. Um, uh, it is the hardier of the two leeches, the leech that just, uh, sprayed Magnus is on death’s door. You guys are pretty clumped together at this point.

Justin: Can I walk?

Griffin: You can’t. Um. You can try and pull yourself out, but you can’t- you can’t move.

Clint: [crosstalk] That’d be your move.

Magnus: Grab onto my waist belt! Pull yourself up from my groin!
Taako: Well, no, it’s okay; [chuckling] I’ll just levitate. I’m cool, thanks.

Justin: I levitate.

Griffin: [laughs] Okay, is that a thing you can do?

Justin: Yes.

[Travis laughs]

Justin: It’s a second level, uh, transmutation magic. I just- I just float.

Griffin: M’kay. Uh, you float. You start--

Justin: [laughs] I mean, that’s the whole thing.

Clint: [singing] Float, float on…

Griffin: The swamp- the swamp, uh, almost opens up around you like an open mouth, uh, and allows you to sqwoosh out over the uh, swamp, and you are now, straight up, uh, levitating over--

Travis: And for half a second, leech and adventurer alike all turn, mouth  agape, to stare at the glory of floating Taako.

Griffin: How long does that, uh, last, floating Taako?

Justin: Ten minutes.

Griffin: Okay, so yeah, you no longer have to worry about the effects of the swamp around you. Um, you gonna do anything else, or is that your turn?

Justin: Uh, I can’t really do anything else. That’s my- that’s my action, and I can’t, uh, the--I can’t really move once I’m floating. The only way I can sort of alter my location at all is, uh, by pushing or pulling against a fixed object or surface.

Griffin: Merle, you’re up. You are above ground and stink. You smell like swamp, but otherwise you’re good to go there, Shrek.

Clint: All right. How close are the two leeches?

Griffin: They’re both very close. One is right next to you, one is five feet away. The one that is right next to you is super bloodied.

Clint: I’m gonna cast Thunder Wave, and yes, I do have it.

Griffin: Is that a--

Travis: So suck it, Griffin.

Griffin: [amused] Is that a nature whatever-it-is? One of your boons of being a nature guy?

Clint: It’s a-- Yeah!

Griffin: Okay. So you’re having basically a dueling banjos, which is appropriate considering the setting, uh, [Clint laughs] Thunder Wave-off with, uh, Taako at this point.

Clint: Yeah, I don’t know if I wanna do that or not.

Griffin: Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your game. I mean, if you wanna be basically uh, a copycat of Taako, [Clint huffs] then absolutely go for it.

Clint: No--

Griffin: But I thought-- I thought you were listening when Fleetwood Mac told you to “Go Your Own Way.”

Clint: All right, I’m gonna try Flame Blade again on the one right in front of me.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [mostly to himself] Wait a minute, what’s the difference between Flame Blade and--aww shit.

[Griffin wheezes with laughter]

Travis: Do you have, like, a sword? Something you can poke him with really hard? Just like attack it? He’s super bloodied.

Clint: I’m rollin’ my own way, bud.

Travis: Okay. I mean, I did just use my whole action to save your butt.

Clint: Oh, all right! All right, I’ll hit Mr. Bloodied with my warhammer.

Travis: Thank you.

Clint: Happy?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Also, I don’t know that you can actually cast Flame Blade.

Clint: Yeah, I knew you were looking it up, you little--

Griffin: [loudly] Yeah, well it’s a good thing I did, because you can’t do it.

[Someone snorts, Travis laughs]

Griffin: Dad's a wi-- Dad's a cle-wizard-bard! A cl-wizar-bar-druid. Alright, so what are you-- what are you doing, Dad.

Clint: Alright, I roll what, I'm, I'm hittin' him--

Griffin: [crosstalk] what are you doing?

Clint: I'm just hittin' him with my uh, my warhammer.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [die roll] 16, um...

Justin: Does he add a modifier to that?

Griffin: Yes, he adds uh, I think plus 4? It-- it should say next to your warhammer in your character sheet.

Clint: It is plus 4, that's right.

Griffin: 'kay, so 20, that's a hit.

Clint: 20, and then roll the d8?

Griffin: Plus 2.

Clint: [die roll] Uh it's 6, plus 2, that's 8.

Griffin: You uh, bring your hammer down on the bloodied leech, uh, in front of you, uh, and when you pull the hammer back, the leech has a hammer shaped, uh, indent in it, and has stopped moving. Um, he is dead... as hell.

Clint: Yeah, thanks, I got some of my own blood on me, great.

Taako: I thought I’d feel more excited, that was just kinda sad.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Okay, uh--

Griffin: Oh wait oh wait-w-wait, are you gonna move?

Clint: Am I gonna move?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: You should!

Clint: Uh, yes.

Griffin: Ok where are you-- what are you doing?

Clint: I move one foot back.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay you step backwards one foot, uh and you are fine. Uh, next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: I’m gonna chop ‘im with the wai--railsplitter two-handed.

Griffin: Mmkay. Chopping the other one?

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: Well there’s one left.

Griffin: [crosstalk] The only living one. Okay.

Travis: Yeah. [die roll] Um, 24.

Griffin: Yeah, that’ll do it.

Travis: Ok, and that’s a d10.

Griffin: Are you--

Clint: Can we call that one Robin Leech?

Griffin: --Yeah yeah I guess you were within 5 feet, ‘cause you were restrained so you can’t move.

Travis: Yeah. [die roll] And that is 6 plus 6, 12.

Griffin: 12. Okay, he is bloodied and he looks like uh-- he looks like he’s ready to embrace the-- the end.

Travis: Sweet death.

Griffin: Uh, uh--

Travis: Ah, dexterity saving throw?

Griffin: Yes, make a dexterity saving throw, you’re just trying to beat a 10.

Travis: [die roll] Um, I got… nope! That’s not gonna do it, that’s a 5.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, you do not save and you sink halfway into the slime. Uh, it is now the leech’s turn, uh he is actually gonna move right back over to you, um, Magnus and uh, try and recover a little bit of health! [die roll] He rolls a 15.

Travis: Against my armor class?

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: Uh, that is--

Clint: [crosstalk] How is the leech rolling?

Travis: --that is th-ah-- is not going to hit, and I am going to use riposte: when creature misses you with melee attack, use reaction and, uh, dice to make a melee attack against them, if hit, uh, plus uh, dice to the damage.

Griffin: Oh, so you roll a d20 and one of your superiority dice.

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: Which is a d6?

Travis: Correct.

Justin: [muttering] What does that mean, superiority dice, what’s that.

Travis: [die roll] [crosstalk] So 17--

Griffin: So that is-- that’s Travis’s new thing, he has a pool of resources called superiority dice; he gets 4 of them per day, and he can spend them to do these maneuvers. So right now he’s spending one of them to riposte, which means he makes a counterattack, adds the result of the superiority dice to it. Um, and [trails off]

Travis: [crosstalk] I got a-- I got a 24?

Griffin: Yeah, fu-- yeah fuck yeah.

Travis: Okay, and then the damage is-- we’ll just-- d8… [die roll] 4! Plus 6 is 10! Plus 5, so 15.

Griffin: Yeah you straight up like, Babe Ruth call the shot, and send half of this leech flying, uh, way deep into the swamp.

Clint: And then eat 12 hotdogs and drink 14 beers.

Griffin: [crosstalk] And what’s really impressive, is that you did this without leg movement.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: [laughing] You are halfway down in the swamp, and you, basically like some sort of chopping robot, uh reared back and, uh, sent-- sent half of this thing flying.

Merle: Good upper body, dude!

Griffin: Uh, yeah--

Magnus: Thanks bro.

Griffin: You have [nasally voice] solved my Shrek puzzle.


{28:20-37:25} [Max Fun Drive break]

Griffin: The three of you, uh roll into Rockport, uh, after escaping the, uh, the swamp, uh, it takes you a little while, um your-- your tickets, uh, say they’d be--

Justin: They had to drag me part of the way you know that right, I had to drop down like my--

Griffin: They just pushed you it was like-- it was like air hockey, they just sort of pushed Taako, just sort of slid him across the top of it, uh--

Magnus: I got a Taako balloon!

Griffin: You got a good lay of the land, um, when you crash landed so you-- you knew which direction to head, you made it out of the swamp, uh it took you a little a while, uh- your tickets for the Rockport Limited say it departs at 10:15, uh, and by the time that you manage to get to Rockport it is, uh, it is 9:45, so you are cutting it... relatively close. You’re also--

Magnus: [crosstalk] Oh, we got plenty of time!

Griffin: You’re also rolling up into Rockport, uh- uh, Magnus, you are covered in a stinky yellow, uh, goo, uh that uh, dried up so uh it isn’t really restricting you anymore but it is unsightly, and un-stink-ly. Uh... Taako, you are just sort of crusty from the waist down, with uh, with swampy, uh, goo  that you’ve been unable to rinse off your body. Dad, you look like some sort of weird... shit-monster, uh, who is just caked in-- in swamp--

Justin: And your character in this game…

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: [laughs] Yeah you said Dad! Uh, great…

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: [crosstalk] Merle is absolutely clean.

Clint: [crosstalk] Everybody else was their character.

Griffin: Um, Merle you look like a little, uh, a, uh a just a, a little shit monster, you have goo caked, uh, in your clothes and your beard and your h-- do you have hair??

Clint: Uh, I have a little fringe of hair, yes.

Griffin: A little fringe? What does that even--

Clint: [crosstalk] And it’s caked with shit.

Griffin: [crosstalk] What is--

Travis: Where you least expect it!

Griffin: What does that mean??

Clint: A little fringe of hair like a--

Griffin: You’ve got a-- you’ve got-- it’s sort of like--

Clint: Like a tonsure, it’s like a tonsure.

Griffin: It’s kind of like, uh, how some people get their basketball number carved in their hair--

[someone giggles]

Clint: Yeah, yeah

Griffin: --but for you it’s just your hair is your basketball number.

Clint: Yeah, and--

Griffin: And what num-- what number is that?

Clint: Uh, that would be 26.

Griffin: 26, okay. Thank you for not saying 69.

Clint: Yeah and- and listen I don’t-- I mean not that it’s important but I [loudly] lost a lot of blood! Don’t be worried about me, I’m fine!

Griffin: Yeah, you guys have not had time to have a, uh short rest, you have had to book it in order to get to this train on time. So you roll into, uh, Rockport, it is a, umm... it is a city of-- of iron and industry, um--

Travis: [singing over Griffin, the tune similar to the beginning of the song “Mr. Sandman”] Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boooo!

Griffin: That is built into-- what is that?

Travis: Boop boop boop boop boo-- That’s a city on the move!


Griffin: [half-laughing] Okay, so thank you. Um, it is sort of built--

Travis: [in an announcer voice] Rockport, a city on the grow!

[Clint loses his shit laughing]

Travis: Dun dun dun doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doooo! Welcome to lovely downtown Rockport! City of industry!

Clint: [laughs] [joins in with his own announcer voice] And of dreams!

Travis: Home to manufacturers! Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boooo.

Justin: [crosstalk] Hey, hey it’s me, Bing Crosby.

Travis: Creators!

Justin: Y’know it’s me Bing Crosby, I love every visit to Rockport.

Clint: [crosstalk] Scholastic Films presents!

Justin: The people here are-- a-are so alert, god. And uh, they always make it feel like a second home to me. Rockport.

Clint: Hey! You look like a little pile of shit, dwarf!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Um--

Justin: [crosstalk] People always say, hey--

Travis: While visiting Rockport, don’t fail to visit the museum of industry! Boop boop boop boop b-- [bursts out laughing]

[Clint loses his shit laughing again]

Griffin: Uh, the three of you are making-- the-- th-the town--

Justin: We don’t need this train, we can entertain ourselves here.

Griffin: And we don’t need the rest-- you don’t need me!

Travis: [ends announcer voice] [laughs] You’ve grown irrelevant!

Clint: [crosstalk] I’ll share the spotlight…

Griffin: I am completely irrelevant.

Clint: Rrrar.

Griffin: Um, uh the town of Rockport is built into the base of, uh, one of the mountains, uh, that make up the Teeth, um, it’s uh, it is, it’s huge, this entire range of mountains -- imagine like a bunch of Kilimanjaros just sort of layered, uh, stacked up-- uh, on top of each other.

Clint: Oooooh.

Griffin: Um, and- and that’s kind of-- [louder] Yeah I mean it’s, it’s pretty majestic! It’s--

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: --it is a majestic mountain range, um, and the town is built into the base of it, and sort of in the back of the town, um... uh, r-- really going into the mountains, uh, ther--there’s sort of a main avenue leading straight towards it, uh, is the train station. Um... so, you guys know basically where you’re goin’, you walk by the Museum of Industry, um--

Travis: [singing] Boop boop boop boop boop!

Clint: [yelling from a distance] Come on in!

Griffin: You walk by um, uh some- some factories, some buildings that are just all smokestacks, uh, and--

Clint: Any truck stops where we can grab a quick shower and some jerky or anything like that?

Griffin: Ah you can try and make find a-- uh, uh… a Sheetz if you want, but you- you may not have time.

Justin: [crosstalk] Fantasy Sheetz.

Griffin: Uh, yeah.

Travis: Character Sheetz.

Griffin: It’s up to you if you guys- if you guys wanna try and find a place to- to clean your bodies before you uh, before you g--

Justin: I just think it would be smart if we’re gonna try to run a scam, that maybe we look halfway presentable. Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Travis: [crosstalk] Well, listen--

Griffin: Yeah, so you got-- you got a half hour you could- you could, uh, yeah you can try and look around.

Travis: Where’s the nearest brothel?

Griffin: ...Uh--

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay. I don’t see how that’s gonna help with--

Clint: [sarcastic crosstalk] Good thinking. Gooood thinking.

Travis: No, because you can get baths at a brothel, or an inn, or something like that.

Griffin: Um...

[someone starts to talk and is drowned out]

Travis: And I figure the place where they’re gonna ask the least amount of questions is the brothel.

Justin: Is there somebody around us we can ask?

Clint: With a lot of eye makeup and like a beauty mark.

Griffin: Uh, there are a lot of people on this street, it’s-- it is a, it is a busy town, um--

Justin: Is there somebody around us who just looks like, helpful or maybe is wearing armor?

Clint: Maybe Tom Bodett, is Tom Bodett anywhere in this town?

Justin: [crosstalk] Is Tom Bodett literally--

Griffin: [crosstalk] There is a--

Travis: [crosstalk] Has anyone left a light on for us?

Griffin: There’s a Ron Bodett [everyone laugh-wheezes] who is uh, dressed in a suit of armor, um, in a, uh... uh standing in a, uh, police watchbox. A what?! That’s not a thing that exists!

Clint: Ohhhh!

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: [quieter] Ohhhh.

Justin: He’s gonna point us towards Brothel 6.

Clint: I like your creativity. Magnus talk to him, you got the charisma, baby.

Griffin: Yes, th-you- there is a-- there is a constable-looking fellow over uh- uh- what did you say? What was the person’s name you were asking about?

Justin: Tom Bodett.

Clint: Tom Bodett.

Griffin: Who is that?

Justin: He’s the guy-- Motel 6, you leave the light on.

Clint: [simultaneously] Motel 6, you leave the light on. Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, Tom Bodett is there for some reason.

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Um, he uh, th-- God, I’m getting into, uh--

Justin: You gotta be sure to do a good Tom Bodett impression.

Griffin: Okay.

Tom Bodett: [voice completely unchanged] Hi, I’m Tom Bodett, what did you guys need?

Clint: Yeah, well that’s really pretty close, yeah.

Justin: Welcome to Rockport.

Tom Bodett: You guys new here? I’m actually part of the- the tourism industry, part of the welcome committee so tell me what you need to know.
Magnus: [singing over Tom Bodett] Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boooo!
Tom Bodett: I was-- oh so you know our theme song.
Merle: Oh, we were lookin’ for a brothel, officer.
Tom Bodett: A what now?
Magnus: Uh, ignore the shit monster. We’re looking for a place where we can bathe in like a real quick hurry.
Tom Bodett: Uh, that’s kind of a weird request but it does seem like you need it, you guys stink and one of you looks like it--
Magnus: I heard Rockport was a city that welcomes all kinds.
Tom Bodett: Yeah, we do, I guess--
Merle: Including shit monsters.
Tom Bodett: Kind of begrudgingly. We have a bathetorium, and, um--
Magnus: Okay great! Where’s that?
Tom Bodett: Uh it’s about, uh it’s on the outskirts of town, it’s about 25 miles out.
Merle: [crosstalk] Aww.
Taako: [crosstalk] Ah shit.
Magnus: [crosstalk] Well that’s shitty, Tom Bodett.
Tom Bodett: That’s probably not gonna cut it-- I mean you guys can come back to my house if you want, I got like a hose, um--

[all three chorusing agreement]

Tom Bodett: --sitting around in front of it, okay you--
Merle: How far away is your house?
Tom Bodett: It’s right here, you’re right in front of it.


Merle: Oh. Alright!
Taako: I was wondering about the hose, right here, next to your boots, that explains it.

Griffin: And he uh, he takes you back to his backyard [Clint laughing] and turns the faucet on the side of the house on, uh, the hose has sprung a leak and he’s like aw.

Tom Bodett: Oh no the hose doesn’t work, that’s a shame you guys are just-- here just come close to the faucet.

Griffin: And he just starts splashing you.

Travis: He just holds his thumb over it?

Clint: I cast a-- I wanna make a duct tape roll.

Griffin: Okay, you uh, put your finger over the holes in the hose, uh, and start just sorta blasting each other.

[Clint sighs happily(?)]

Justin: Alright, I cast a cantrip of mending on the hose, and fix it.

Griffin: Okay! That’s a thing you can do now.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oooh! Somebody got serious.

Justin: Just-- that’s just to thank him.

Griffin: Okay.

Tom Bodett: Oh, thanks man.
Taako: Listen, I wanna do something for you, Tom Bodett, from Motel 6 ads. Here, check this out. Fleddilydiddilydoo!
Tom Bodett: Oh wow, my hose! Thanks dude! My dad gave me this hose before he died.

Clint: And, and he just turned the lights on.

Taako: NP, NP.
Tom Bodett: N what?
Taako: No problem.
Tom Bodett: Oh sorry, I don’t-- internet doesn’t exist yet.
Taako: Wizard speech.
Tom Bodett: Sure, sure, I’ve heard of this. Uh, okay do you guys--
Taako: Wizards talk like Internet.
Tom Bodett: Should I hose you guys down, or you wanna take turns doing each other? I understand we just met and so you may not trust me to…
Magnus: Let’s all hose each other!
Tom Bodett: Mmkay. I got a sprinkler too, we could have some fun back here. You guys aren’t going anywhere, are you?
Taako: Do you have a, uh--
Magnus: Okay we spray each other real quick, time’s a wastin’.
Taako: Do you have like a, one of those wild…
Merle: Oh those wiggles?
Taako: Wiggle things that spray the water everywhere?
Merle: Ohh…
Magnus: You guys.
Merle: [in the background] Water wiggles, water wiggles!

Griffin: Okay, yeah you guys have a brief, uh ten-minute sprinkler party with Tom Bodett, uh, in his backyard. Uh--

[water running]

Justin: Does he have a slip-n-slide?

Griffin: He doesn’t have a slip-n-slide--

Travis: [crosstalk] Okay. Time to go!

Griffin: He did just make a uh, he- he’s got the fixin’s for mimosas--

Tom Bodett: You guys want some mimosas?
Taako: No--
Merle: [crosstalk] I want mimosas.
Magnus: Sorry Tom Bodett, we’ve gotta get out of here.
Tom Bodett: [crosstalk] It’s not a sprinkler party without mimosas.
Magnus: But we’ll see you when we come through Rockport again.
Tom Bodett: Does anybody want a… kiss?
Magnus: Yes.


Merle: Uhhhh--

Travis: I-- I hug him.

Taako: We gotta go.
Tom Bodett: Okay, that’s good enough. It was really great to meet you guys--

Travis: [crosstalk] And I whisper in his ear--

Magnus: I’ll always love you, Tom Bodett.
Tom Bodett: I don’t know that that-- okay. Well--
Taako: You’re welcome that we willed you into existence, Tom.
Tom Bodett: Ye-- thank you. I am going to die as soon as you guys leave.
Merle: Do you think maybe we can s--

[all burst into laughter]

Clint: No! C’mon! Maybe Tom Bodett’s a big fan of the podcast.

Griffin: You are-- you are--

Travis: Oh and as we walk away, he whispers, “I’ll see you again, Bureau of-- [laughter] Bureau of Balance.”

Clint: [octaves lower] Bureau of Balance.

Travis: [crosstalk] As he twists his hands together and twirls his mustache.

Griffin: He pulls a red robe-- He pulls a red robe over his head and vanishes. Um, okay so you are de-stunk, you manage to make it to the ticket counter of the uh- of the Rockport train station, uh, with minutes to spare. Uh, and the ticket-taker, who looks mysteriously a lot like Tom Bodett, uh, is like--

Clint: Ah, Don Bodett.

Justin: Is it like that scene in Wizard of Oz that’s just the same guy--

Clint: [imitating that scene] Come on in!

Griffin: Uh, it is actually Tom Bodett, and he says,

Tom Bodett: Oh weird, you guys are taking a train? You should’ve said something! I didn’t know-- By the way, I didn’t catch your guys’ names. Uh, what do you guys go by, what are your handles?
Merle: I’m Leeman Kessler.
Tom Bodett: Okay! it’s nice to--
Merle: I believe there’s already a ticket for me.
Tom Bodett: There is, yeah! Uh, and we are- we are holding some of your cargo, as well. Let me get that.

Griffin: He reaches, uh, down underneath the desk, and pulls out a, uh, a shimmering, uh, almost platinum-esque, uh, ticket, uh that he slides through the- there’s a window that he is behind, with a small gap in it, he slides it through the gap, uh, and hands it to you. He says, uh,

Tom Bodett: Mr. Kessler, you’re really going to uh, you’re gonna enjoy the journey. Are these two coming with you?
Merle: The, uh, these are my retainers.
Tom Bodett: Okay.
Merle: This is Bo, and that’s Diddley. And uh, we--
Tom Bodett: Which one’s which?
Merle: Uh, the- the short one that has kinda a vague look in his eyes, that’s Bo.
Tom Bodett: Mmkay, but you’ve just described, neither of th-- they’re about the same height, and both of them look relatively vague.
Merle: Okay, the- the one who is pretending to be a wizard is Bo. And the one--
Taako: I’m Leon Kessler.


Tom Bodett: Are you guys related?
Merle: Uh, he spells his with two-- uh, with an O, he said Leon, and that’s my twin brother, who works for me.
Taako: [aside] Are you Leon?
Merle: [aside] I’m Leeman.
Taako: [aside] Oh you-- you’re Lee--
Tom Bodett: [crosstalk] I thought you said--I thought you said Leeman-- okay.
Magnus: Hey dog, we gotta go, if you’ll excuse us--
Taako: [crosstalk] I, I-- my name is--
Tom Bodett: I’m really glad that the three of you are the people who you say you are, because if you were doing some sort of ruse right now--
Merle: [crosstalk] Nooooooo!
Tom Bodett: --it’d be very, very poorly constructed.
Merle: [crosstalk] Noooooo.
Magnus: Goodness no.
Tom Bodett: So Leeman, Leon, and Diddley?
Taako: My name is Flaun Bodett.


Tom Bodett: Okay. I’m gonna, let’s just go--

Travis: Magnus gives Taako a thumbs up.

Taako: [crosstalk] I-- I panicked.
Tom Bodett: We’re gonna stop, for a second, we’re gonna stop for a second-- we’re just gonna stop for a second. And we’re just gonna go down the line-- I’m gonna point at you, and you’re gonna tell me what your name is. Obviously, Leeman Kessler--

Griffin: He points at you, uh, Merle.

Merle: That’s me! I’m Leeman Kessler!
Tom Bodett: Yep! Got that one.

Griffin: He points at uh, Magnus.

Tom Bodett: You’re... you are?
Magnus: Mm hmm, yes, go on?
Merle: Leeroy, tell him, Leeroy Kessler.
Magnus: No, I’m-- I’m, I’m Diddley Kessler.
Tom Bodett: You’re Diddley, that’s-- what I thought and, uh, you, uh, wizardly-looking fellow?
Taako: Justin.


Clint: That’s deep cover.

Tom Bodett: Perfect. Perfect. Okay, Justin, Leeman, and Diddley, uh. Diddley and Justin, you guys have your own tickets? I’m, [voice starts trailing off] I’m hoping. Please. God.
Merle: Oh, no, uh, look at mine very carefully.
Magnus: Yes, yes we do.
Merle: Look at the shiny thing in my hand.
Tom Bodett: Yeah I gave that to you, it’s not--
Merle: [crosstalk] Yeah, but just watch it.
Tom Bodett: --psychic paper.

Justin: I cast “charm person” on Tom Bodett.

Griffin: Mmkay.


Griffin: That’s just sorta y-- that’s sorta like the only arrow in your quiver, when it comes to handling Bodetts-- [crosstalk] non-playable Bodetts.

Clint: [crosstalk] That phrase has never been uttered.

Justin: D’you know what’s unfortunate, you know what’s funny, is that we, we were able to charm the last Bodett with just charm. This Bodett is too wily for me, I’m gonna have to use magical charm.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, how does that work?

Travis: Griffin, can I make a, um, I guess it’s a perception check, to find out if I know if Rockport is just populated by all Tom Bodetts?


Griffin: It’s like House of Wax, they’re all animatronically--

Travis: [die roll] I rolled a 16.

Griffin: Yep, it’s all Bodetts.

Travis: [laughing] Okay, it’s Bodetts all the way down.

Griffin: Um... but th- those Bodetts know how to run a city, ‘cause this place is immaculate. Okay, so you are casting it-- what do I do?

Justin: So, I’m gonna attempt to charm a humanoid, uh, Tom’s gonna make a wisdom saving throw. I am-- I assume that you have already set a wisdom level for Tom Bodett, Motel 6 pitch man.

Clint: It’s gotta be a 6!

Justin: It’s gotta be 6.

Griffin: Uh, it actually is a 6, so uh, good luck!

Travis: I’ve heard him on Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!, he’s pretty intelligent.

Griffin: I’m trying to roll a fourt-- er, a 14, right? Is that what I’m trying to beat?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Mmkay. [die roll] Ah shit, I rolled a 6, that’s 12, not going to do it, he’s charmed.

Tom Bodett: Heyyyy~

Travis: [laughs] [imitating charmed Bodett] What is up?

Tom Bodett: Do you, uh…

Clint: [imitating charmed Bodett] What can I do for you guys?

Tom Bodett: You guys wanna kiss?
Merle: ...Uh, tickets! Uh, my- my- my retainers need tickets.
Tom Bodett: I already gave you mine, and they seem to have their own already.
Magnus: Yep.
Merle: Okay.
Magnus: Uh, we just need the cargo, and then we’re gonna get on the plane. Or train? Automobile?
Tom Bodett: Can I just say-- can I say something? And this might sound weird. But I think the three of you are exactly who you’re tellin’ me you are. And I don’t know-- again, it seems like a weird thing to say, but I am... just so charmed by you.
Merle: Nothin’ weird there.
Taako: It’s all normal.
Merle: By the way, we got a sleeper car, right?
Tom Bodett: Uh, you do, yeah, and a uh- uh-- a seat in the uh, the, the passenger train as well. So.
Taako: Comp us some snacks.
Tom Bodett: Okay?

Griffin: He uh, slides some Melba toast, just unpackaged, through the glass. And he’s like--

[laughter & incomprehensible mocking]

Tom Bodett: I was gonna have these as a lunchtime treat, but it seems like you--

Clint: I wanna use detect magic to see if it’s magic Melba?

Griffin: Isn’t all Melba toast pretty fucking magical to begin with?

Justin: [holding back laughter] Can I-- Can I roll to see if I get horrifically depressed by the idea that Tom Bodett consid-- considers Melba toast to be a fun [dissolves into laughter] snack?

Griffin: Well no, because it’s transformative, you can do anything with it. What do you got? You, you, you can, you can-- [louder] I’m afraid to say foodstuff now ‘cause dad has me fucking paranoid that every time I say a food thing he’ll be like “oh well that goes on--”!

Clint: Good, you should be, dungeon master!

Griffin: It’s just, I didn’t expect one of you to be so vigilant for-- for tex-mex.

Clint: Well, just get used to it.

Griffin: Um--

Justin: That’s actually dad in real life. You cannot drive past a tex-mex place, he’s like “Hey hey hey! Whoa- whoa slow down! Slow down!”

Griffin: Uh, he says uh, he pops open the back door of his ticket booth and says, uh--

Tom Bodett: You guys are actually the last ones to uh, board, so if you want, I can walk you to the platform.
Magnus: [laughing] And then go home and slowly die.


Tom Bodett: Go home to my Bodett wife. And my Bodett kids.
Merle: Bernadette Bodett.

Justin: This is the weirdest episode ever.

Griffin: Yup! Uh, he--

Merle: Let’s get on the train.

Griffin: He starts to walk you through the train station, yes, uh--

Magnus: We need the cargo--
Tom Bodett: Yes, Leeman, what are you, uh what, what-- what are you, uh, what takes you to Neverwinter today?
Merle: Um, a combination of business and pleasure.
Tom Bodett: Oh! Bis-pleasure, huh? I’ve heard of that.
Merle: Yeah.
Tom Bodett: Pleas-ness. [pronounced plejzness] Pleas-ness, huh?
Merle: Yeah…
Tom Bodett: Uh--
Merle: Yeah, I gotta keep ‘em pretty close to the vest, you understand don’t you Tom?
Tom Bodett: Now Leeman, we’ve already re-- uh, received your cargo and we have it, uh, locked away in the uh, in the cargo car, um, so that’s not gonna be an issue, that’s gonna get there uh, safe and sound. Um, it was uh, rated as a high priority item, uh, and so it’s kinda protocol for me to, uh, walk, uh, walk, our- our VIP passengers through the security process.
Merle: Oh, yeah.
Tom Bodett: Yeah, if you’ll just come with me--

Griffin: He, he takes you into the station. It is a, uh, it’s a, I mean it’s a cavern, right, it’s carved into the, this, the, the foot of the Teeth, uh one of, one of the mountains of the Teeth, um, but it’s not, uh, it’s not as drab as you would expect a cave to be, it’s actually very, uh, well lit with uh, some, some fountains and uh--

Clint: A newsstand tree-osk. [like kiosk]

Griffin: Some trees grow-- a newsstand kiosk, uh, inside. Um, and in the middle of this uh, the, the entryway into this station is uh, is one of the cargo cars, uh, of this train, that is non-operational, it’s not on a track, it’s just sort of, uh, up on a pedestal, uh, and uh, Bodett, uh walks you over to the car and uh, pops open the caboose door and is like--

Tom Bodett: Come on in! I’ll show you around.
Merle: ‘Kay.
Tom Bodett: Uh. This is the uh, this is the cargo car that is uh, on all of our trains, uh, it’ll be on the Rockport Limited, uh when you take it to, uh, Neverwinter, uh, as you can see there’s, uh, no windows in the car, uh, keeps it very secure from marauders. Most of the line, uh runs through the mountains, so we’re not especially worried about, uh, train jumpers, if you will. Uh--
Taako: Have you uh-- have you had any incidents recently?
Tom Bodett: Never. We have never lost a piece of cargo, we have never uh, never lost anything that we have locked away. Uh, and that is because--

Griffin: --He says, uh--

Tom Bodett: --of this thing.

Griffin: And he points to the middle of the car, is a, a 5 by 5 foot onyx cube.

Clint: An Amish cube. That sounds so cool.

Griffin: Onyx cube that is built into the floor of this train. Um, he says, uh--

Tom Bodett: This is a cryptsafe. Uh, and it is--
Magnus: [crosstalk] Mhmm. A Crypt-keeper, if you will.
Tom Bodett: Uh, if you want to be that way. If you wanna be that guy, sure.
Magnus: If you wanna be like that.
Tom Bodett: This is indestructable. Nobody’s gonna be smashing into a cryptsafe any way, any time soon. Uh, and it is also--
Magnus: May I... test that?
Tom Bodett: Uh, if you want, but don’t use a weapon that you like, to do it.
Magnus: Nevermind.
Merle: Yes, don’t.
Tom Bodett: Uh, what- what makes this special is it’s time-locked. Meaning only a uh, Rockport Limited, uh, can open it, uh, with one hour of sustained physical contact. So it’s not like a, even if a robber somehow did manage to get onboard, or if somebody managed to pass our screening process, uh, and get onboard a train, uh, they- they are not going to be able to pop this thing open, they would need somebody who works here to do so, and they would need to stand there for, uh, an hour, which just simply would not happen! It is the safest way to get... your shit from Point A to Point B.
Magnus: Does that really slow down the luggage unloading process?
Tom Bodett: Uh, by about an hour, yes. So in that sense it’s, uh-- but, uh, the- the train makes a uh, 200 mile journey in 4 hours, and you would be, uh, hard-pressed to, uh, find a form of transportation that is going to be that expedient, um... in the world, so.
Merle: Well, Tom, I’m sure, I mean, since I’ve done this many times before--
Tom Bodett: Yeah!
Merle: --you have some kind of back door method for me to check just to make sure that my uh, my merchandise is safe so, go ahead and--
Tom Bodett: Well, it’s already loaded, uh it’s loaded onto the actual, um... train, and once we put it into the cryptsafe it actually becomes the property of the Rockport Limited until the train has made its-- uh, reached its final destination so--
Merle: Ah, I see.
Tom Bodett: That unfortunately will not be possible, but it-- believe me, it is in, not only good hands; the best hands.
Merle: Hmm.
Magnus: Okay! Sounds great.
Merle: [simultaneously] Sounds good.
Tom Bodett: Um--
Merle: Doesn’t really. It doesn’t sound good at all. It’s a setup for something. This is bad.
Taako: [crosstalk] No, it’s bad.
Tom Bodett: Um. Did-- no, I heard all of that--
Magnus: Shhh! Tom, you’re still charmed.
Merle: You’re charmed.
Magnus: Put your fingers in your ears.
Tom Bodett: And can I tel-- can I say something? I loved it!


Tom Bodett: I love your caution, um, and I love just how suspicious you’re all being.
Merle: Now, now listen Tom, when we’re all done, when we’re completely done with you--
Tom Bodett: We will kiss.
Merle: We want you to--
Tom Bodett: Sorry?
Merle: No, we want you to step in front of the next train that is coming by, okay?

[Justin laughs]

Magnus: No!
Merle: Is that okay?
Taako: Oh my god!
Merle: If- if you don’t mind doing that for us.
Tom Bodett: You need me to- to step…

[Justin continues laughing]

Magnus: No! We can’t kill Tom Bodett!
Merle: No, yeah yeah.
Tom Bodett: You need me to step--
Merle: You’ll love it. It’s a once--
Magnus: He’s got little Bodetts at home!
Tom Bodett: What happens when I do it?
Merle: Oh! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience!
Magnus: No! Merle, you’re a cleric! You’re supposed--

Justin: [laughing] Dad, why-- Why’s our dad putting a kill switch in beloved pitchman Tom Bodett?

Travis: We can’t kill Tom Bodett!

Clint: I have a feeling!

Griffin: Okay. Uh. You hear from outside the train, “All aboard!” and Tom Bodett goes,

Tom Bodett: Well, [laughter] time to-- Time to go, I guess. [more laughter] I’ll show you guys to your seats, and--
Merle: [crosstalk] All right, all right. Wait, wait. Let me clarify. Let me clarify.
Tom Bodett: Yeah?
Merle: Not a moving train. [defeated] Just step in front of a train, wave goodbye, and then step off the...tracks.
Tom Bodett: Okay, that seems weird. Weirder even, then, but [laughter] let’s uh, let’s get you guys uh, ‘sitiated’ [mispronounced on purpose].

Clint: This is gonna come back and bite us in the ass, I know it.

Justin: Not killing Tom Bodett?

Clint: You’ll see.

Griffin: “Tom Bodett,” hold on wait! Rearrange the letters! “Voldemort” what!?

[laughter as the music begins to plays, one final Max Fun Drive message, and the episode ends]

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