Balance – Episode 10: Murder on the Rockport Limited: Chapter One/Transcript

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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone…

Director: Congratulations are in order, the three of you are now fully fledged members of our order. Uh, we are happy to have you on as reclaimers, we’ll send you out on missions and you will do what you did in Phandalin. Ideally without involving the destruction of an entire city and also thousands of souls-
Magnus: Well… I mean, ideally, yeah, but like…

Justin: Griffin put the capsule game from Shenmue into our game.

Griffin: Well, and also the capsule game from Kroger… And you pop open that capsule and, uh, and inside is an ax!

Leon: And it is said that the Railsplitter can, in a single swipe, chop down any tree.

Griffin: Why don’t we go to Fantasy Costco and you can level up while you’re walking around. You get the Extreme Teen Bible and the Scuttle Buddy.

Merle: And I want a warranty!
Cashier: Uh, the bible doesn’t need a warranty, sir, it’s the good book.

Griffin: Alright, let’s level you guys up.

Travis: Um, so I chose Battle Master.

Clint: I was kinda thinking of maybe nature.

Griffin: Interesting. I never pictured you as the Captain Planet type.

Justin: Yeah, I’m gonna be joining the school of transmutation.

Justin: Keep your fucking feedback to yourself.

Griffin: -romance. Well, no, don’t-

Justin: Stuff it in your magical ass.

Announcer: Are you not entertained? And if you are, why don’t you make it rain on our ass? It’s a MaxFunDrive Adventure Zone!

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson ]

{1:48}

Griffin: The three of you are sound asleep. Like sweet... little lambs.

[Someone makes cartoon ‘snoring’ sounds underneath]

Griffin: Uh, in your, um, we'll call it humble. It is a humble dormitory, provided to you by the Bureau of Balance. Uh...

Travis: Have we put up like girly posters and, like, there's maybe like a lava lamp?

Griffin: No, no posters. The RA comes by every night.

Justin: [Groans] That guy!

Griffin: And he is a real stickler for posters.

Clint: He is a dick.

Justin: What about the Dean? What's our relationship with the Dean like?

Travis: Good question.

Griffin: Uhm, you’ve pranked him a lot, so you're kind of on his shit list.

Clint: We're like the Delta House. We're on double secret probation.

Travis: I don't get it. What- Is that a reference to something?

Griffin [talking over Travis]: You're not... you can't make Animal House references every--

Clint: You're children; you don't know.

Griffin: Every episode. Um.

Justin (laughing): Welcome to Leonard Maltin's House of Old Movies. Leonard Maltin.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, so, so, uh, your dormitory, your room, uh it, it, no windows. Kinda like, kinda like you're living in a submarine.

Travis: Are we in a prison?

Justin: [overlapping Griffin] Yeah, is this a prison?

Griffin: No, but sometimes it feels like it. It's not a prison as much as it is the ground... the entry level living compartment. Is the-- That’s the actual, uh, classification that the Bureau of Balance uses. The entry level--

Clint: Co-ed Dorm, maybe...?

Griffin: No, just, well, if they're not for you specifically. Uh. You do have a roommate. You've got a double bunk bed situation. Um, uh… and you have a roommate. He is- he is a halfling named Robbie. And...

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: He's kind of... shitty. He's not a great roommate. Um. He, uh, he eats all of your snack chips before you even have a chance to get to them.

[Justin laughing]

Griffin: Uhhm. He loses your DVDs.

Justin: [laughing] I kinda li- I kinda like his style.

Griffin: There's just loose, there's loose DVDs from your West Wing, like, full collection boxset just laying all over the place.

Justin: [talking over Griffin] Oh, I hate that.

Travis: But he's always got the choicest potions.

Griffin: He does have some dank potions and that's kind of like the only thing that he has going for him. Um... So, it is, uh, it’s about 3:00 in the morning. Uh, you--

Travis: Griffin, I have a serious question for you real quick.

Griffin: Ooookay.

Travis: Since we've brought the gauntlet in, are we kind of like...are we like.... big shits, like here, like do people know who we are? Is it like, 'Oh, they're like the first people to actually collect one of these artifacts.'

Justin: He's saying are we a b- Are we a big deal?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh...I, I would say, yeah, you guys are somewhat big shits. You've kind of got a Harry Potter vibe going for you, right? Like, it's, it's -

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: You're not, you know. Nobody's like--

Clint: [sarcastically] Who's Harry Potter?

Travis: Okay. All right.

Griffin: Mmkay. He's like, a, um.... He's a wizard.

[Travis laughing]

Griffin: Um.. You're not... nobody's like lifting you up in the hallways and carrying you to your destination, but you, you, you got some respect. [pronounced ‘respeck’] And that's important.

[All agreeing]

Griffin: Uh, when you're on the inside. Again, you're not in prison, I don't know why I said that.

[Travis laughing]

Griffin: So it's about three in the morning, you're all sound asleep, uh, or at least you were, uh, until you were awoken by--

Travis: Robbie masturbating.

Griffin: Robbie just fucking blastin’ it. Uh, where are you guys- I should-

Clint: God, hope I’m in the lower bunk.

Griffin: Yeah, to set the scene, where- what is- what is your guys’ bunk situation?

Clint: Well, I guess I’m the shortest, so I’m probably under Robbie’s bunk.

Griffin: Why would you think just the, the smaller races have to sleep in one set of beds and the taller-

Clint: [interrupting] Well, no, no just because the big guys would overpower me and they wouldn’t want-

Travis: [overlapping] Woah, hey.

Clint: -to sleep with a halfling.

Griffin: That doesn’t, no, dwarves are not necessarily less physically capable.

Clint: I’m talking emotionally. Emotionally.

Griffin: Oh, well then yes, you are not equipped for confrontation.

Clint: No.

Griffin: Unless it involves, um, y’know, spiritual magics.

Travis: I would say that Magnus-

Clint: Or touching my Kenny Chesney CDs!

Griffin: You’re right.

Travis: Magnus wanted to be on a bottom bunk, but he’s too passive-aggressive so he’s on the top bunk, Taako’s on the bottom bunk. But he wants to be on the bottom bunk.

Griffin: And he just picked the top bunk, and he just hates it?

Travis: Well, it depends, Taako, where do you want to be? Uh, I’ll defer to you.

Justin: Uh, am I in character?

Griffin: Yep. We’re recording the podcast now.

Justin: Is it- no, I mean are you asking Justin or are you asking Taako, in character?

Griffin: Ohh.

Clint: Ask Taako.

Travis: Oh, it’s tough.

Justin: -in a conversation you’re having with Taako.

Clint: What do you want, Taako?

Justin: Who do you want to speak to, Travis?

Travis: Um, I’m terrified to state, I’d rather speak to Justin, I like him better.

Justin: Yeah, I get that, like, uh, I’ll take whatever, I think Taako would be pretty chill about it. I feel like he’d probably fall asleep [Travis laughs] just like on whatever, the first bed he touched.

Travis: I think this is actually how it worked out in character in the scene. Just the three of them, just like “No, it’s fine, do you want-” and Robbie going “Fuuuuuuuuuck.”

Justin: I’ll say top. Top, top bunk.

Travis: Okay. Magnus on the bottom bunk.

Griffin: Okay, you are eye-level-

Justin: I can levitate, so it’s less of a risk for me to be up there. [laughter]

Griffin: You’re also eye-level with Robbie, which you may or may not want. Cause he gets into some wack shit. Up on the second story. Of the sleeping.

Travis: He’s got boundary issues.

Griffin: He does. Uh, I mean his boundaries are fine. But he gets into your boundaries. And just makes a mess of things.

Travis: He’s all up in your boundaries.

Griffin: It’s three in the god-damn morning. And the three of you are woken up by the sound of chimes coming from the intercom. [imitates said chimes as three rising tones] Bing-bing-bing! And you hear, uh -

Travis: [grunts as though he has been startled awake]

Griffin: You hear the voice of Davenport say um-

Davenport: Would the Reclaimers Highchurch, Burnsides, and Taaco report to the briefing room? Mm Davenport!

Travis: I forgot that Taako’s last name was also Taaco. [laughs]

Griffin: Yeah, it’s like Mario Mario. Or Luigi Mario. Um... You are all awoken with a start, and Robbie’s like -

Robbie: [flat, toneless ‘surfer dude’ voice] Oh, man, what a bummer. I was just gettin’ some of those good Z’s.

Griffin: And he takes a potion out from under his pillow,

Robbie: I don’t know why I keep these under here, they’re real uncomfortable.

Griffin: He slams it.

Justin: [laughs] What soda does it most resemble?

Griffin: Uh, I mean it’s not in an [British pronunciation] aluminium can.

Justin: Right, it’s a liquid, right.

Travis: He pops the top. [makes a sss noise] Slams it.

Justin: What liquid does it most- what liquid soda does it most-

Griffin: It’s actually kind of got like a- it’s kinda like Orbitz, remember Orbitz-

Clint: I was gonna say it looks like that nasty stuff with the gel balls.

Travis: That would be Orbitz.

[unintelligible]

Griffin: He looks and he’s like,

Robbie: Caught you- caught you eyein’- ayy, caught you eyein’ my gel balls. That’s what makes it extra crunchy.

Griffin: And he winks. And he swigs, again.

Clint: Hey, can we get the hell away from him, as soon as possible?

Justin: Griffin, I wanna- sidebar, I’m a little worried about this, this episode, I’m worried that you like exhausted yourself so much coming up with the fantasy name Robbie [Travis laughs] that you may not have the creative juice to get us through the rest of the ep.

Clint: We need to be reassured.

Griffin: Well, uh, to actually make up for that, all of the characters in this entire campaign chapter will be named Robbie and that’s gonna be very confusing for both you guys and the listeners.

[laughter]

Justin: Excellent.

Clint: Good job, Juice.

Travis: Well, I think it’s all gonna be based on inflection, though, at that point, cause it’s like, Robbie, Robbie, Robubieee. [saying Robbie with various tones]

Griffin: Um,

Justin: Me? I’m [in a strained old voice] Rooooobbiiieee.

Griffin: And I’m a skeleton.

Magnus: Yo, Robbie! Can I get one of them potions before we leave?
Robbie: Um, do you got like, what do you need? What’s your flavour, what’s your poison?
Magnus: Give me your crunchiest- your crunchiest potion.
Merle: He’s gonna want something that attracts dogs.
Robbie: I’ll give ya a sampler. Of, uh, it’s called my hair of the dog potion. It won’t attract dogs, as much as it will just get you real fucked up.

Griffin: He says, he hands you a very small sampler vial, of uh, of hair of the dog potion.

Travis: Okay, I slip it in my bag.

Griffin: Mkay. Robbie’s like,

Robbie: Uh, hey, can you, do you think, while you’re out, some Pringles, maybe?
Magnus: You got it, dude!
Robbie: C’mon, can you take, also- I got a DVD, that’s like, four months overdue at the Redbox.
Merle: Nah. Nah. Uh-uh. No, no.
Taako: It’s too much.
Merle: Too much.
Magnus: Nah. Pringles, yes, DVD, no.
Merle: And it’s gonna be the dill pickle Pringles, too, smartass!
Robbie: Aw, man!
Magnus: Extreme Dill?

Griffin: Uh, okay, I am imagining you guys are going to the briefing room.

Travis: I also imagine we don’t exactly know where it is.

[Clint making vaguely musical noises in the background]

Justin: Yeah, how are we getting there?

Clint: Just go to a dome.

Justin: Are there helpful signs?

Griffin: Yeah. There’s a dome, and then there’s a sign that says, “This dome is the briefing room.”

Travis: And we’re all still in our PJs.

[Laughter]

Taako: Footie pajamas here!

[More laughter]

Griffin: Uh, the three of you walk into the briefing room in your footies, in your onesies, in your Snuggies. Uhhm.

Clint: Mine has a flap in the back.

Griffin: Of course it does. Um, is it half open, so we can see a little bit of butt?

Clint: [giddily] Yes! The left corner’s unbuttoned!

Travis: You see- you can see the little tattoo on his bottom.

Justin [in the background]: You scamp.

Griffin: And what is that tattoo of?

Clint: That-- that’s actually Kenny Chesney, too. But that’s the face; I’ve got the face on my left butt cheek.

Justin: And what’s on your right, the body?

Griffin: Yeah, I was gonna ask, do you have other body parts of Chesney sort of… scattered around-- about your body, like-

Travis: It’s a mystery to be unfolded for the rest of the podcast.

Justin: On his other cheek is Tim McGraw, and it’s like this terrible hydra, with Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney’s face heads emanating from his butthole. [Laughing] It’s a real horror show back there.

Clint: Actually, it just says, “she thinks my-” and then there’s a-- a tattoo of a tractor and apostrophe s, “sexy”.

Griffin: So kind of a pictogram on your ass. Kind of a country music rebus.

Clint: Actually it’s Rebus McEntire.

Travis: [at the same time] A Rebus McEntire.

[laughter]

Travis: Woaahhhhh!

Clint: Thank you, I’ll be here all week!

Griffin: You are, uh -

Justin: I hope not.

Griffin: [laughing] - in the, uh, briefing chamber with the Director, and she is reading a large roll of parchment, um- that actually kinda looks like the parchment that you saw the monk carrying when you first encountered the, uh, Voidfish, that had all of Magic Brian’s information on it. Ah- and, uh, she is sitting over a large map showing the lands of the Earth-world below. Um, and she’s reading this, um, uh, parchment, she’s very frustrated, um, and she places it down on the chamber and says uh,

Director: What… are you wearing? What is--? What are you wearing?
Magnus: What are you wearing?
Director: I-I’m wearing my full business regalia.
Magnus: Cool.
Merle: You got ink underneath that thing?
Director: And the three of you look like Little Nemos. Merle, I can see… three quarters to four fifths of your entire butt.

[laughter]

Merle: Sorry I’m cheating you of one fraction.
Director: You look like Jeffy from Family Circus.
Taako: This is my, uh, sleepy sack. I get night terrors.
Merle: I guess Mr. Wrong told me not to.
Director: The three of you will need-
Taako: Somebody unzip me!
Director: The three of you are going to need to suit up into your business regalia, because I have a job for you that I need you on right. Now.
Magnus: Well give me like, forty five minutes.
Director: We-- You don’t have forty five minutes. At most, I can give you four.
Magnus: Okay.

Travis: Magnus starts changing.

Merle: Three of that’s going to be hair product!

Griffin: Uh, she says,

Director: Mere hours ago, one of our Reclaimers, uhh, a brave soldier named Leeman Kessler, was... murdered in the city of Rockport.
Magnus: [softly] Aw, bummer!
Director: And his- his murder came at a most inopportune time, because he managed to locate-

Justin: Griff, is Leeman Kessler a listener?

Griffin: Uh-huh.

Justin: So somebody listening at home was just like “Hey- aw.”

[laughter]

Travis: “Aw, damn it.”

Magnus: Also, I would ask, when would a murder come at an opportune time?

[Justin laughing.]

Director: His murder came at a most inopportune time because he had just managed to locate and retrieve one of the Grand Relics.

Travis: [jokingly] His murder came at an opportune time. He’d done everything he wanted to with his life -

Griffin: He was surrounded by family -

[All laughing.]

Justin: They watched solemnly as an assassin came in and buried a knife in his heart - [crosstalk] it was what he would have wanted -

Travis: And everyone agreed, it was the right time for that to happen.

[All laughing.]

Director: Last night, we received a missive, uh, telling of his success, but before we could extract him, a-- a thick fog set in over Rockport, uh, which prevented us from, uh, sending, uh, uh- a sphere to collect him and the Relic. Um, however there is a commuter train that operates out of Rockport, uh, that runs from Rockport, uh, through the… uh, the Teeth: the mountain range that separates, uh, the continent below, uh, and ends in Neverwinter, where, uh, we could more safely and discreetly extract him. Uh, he managed to secure passage on this train, uh... loaded his cargo onto the train, but before it could depart, uh, he was… murdered. Ah, which is, leaving us in quite a sticky situation.
Merle: Hmmm.
Magnus: Do we know anything about the murderer or how it actually, like, went down?
Director: We know nothing, we haven’t been able to get into contact with the authorities-- and even if we could, there’s not much information we could…. tell them. It could-- it could lead to, uh, I don’t know. It could lead to a very difficult situation for us. We can’t explain what he was doing there, why he was murdered-- we don’t even know why he was murdered because, ostensibly, nobody would know about the Grand Relic unless they were in the, the, Bureau of Balance. There’s- there’s-- We- we have a lot of unknowns.
Taako: Do we know the status of the relic right now?
Director: It’s on the train as far as we know. Um... and that is where the three of you come in. We will need one of you, uh, it’s up to you to decide whom, uh -
Taako: DIBS!
Director: O… kay, that was… We will need one of you to impersonate Leeman -
Taako: Double dibs.
Director: Leeman Kessler. Uh, I have secured two other tickets, uh, on- on the train so all three of you can board, but one of you will need to be Leeman Kessler. Uh, you will need to retrieve the Relic and get it back to us, uh, any way that you can.
Magnus: What can you tell us about -
Merle: [overlapping Magnus] What did Leeman look like?
Taako: Yeah, what, what race was he?
Director: Uh, Leeman was a half-elf, uh, man.
Taako: [overlapping the Director] Ohh-kay!
Director: And, uh, but, but, he… There was no guarantee that the, uh, operators of the Rockport Limited, uh, even know what he looked like. He could have secured his, his- his ticket in advance, uh, so, so it’s up to you! Any one of you can be Leeman, whoever has the, I guess the… most panache, the most flair for the dramati-
Magnus: The highest performance skill?
Director: Whatever it takes, um, we’ll need you to… [sighs in exasperation] We’ll need to you to make-believe, make-pretend. Like a couple of actors. Or just one actor.
Taako: I’m actually negative one there, so I’m gonna diparooski.

[All laughing.]

Merle: What will the other two be doing?
Director: Uh, the other two will be ensuring that the new Leeman Kessler, the fresh-off-the-block Leeman Kessler, uh, isn’t murdered. Uh, because obviously someone’s going around murdering Leeman Kesslers. Uh, this-this will be also a security job.
Magnus: I got a- I got a plus one.
Director: You don’t have to figure it out right now -
Taako: [jokingly] Who are you- who are you bringing with you?

[Laughter.]

Merle: If I need a body-- if someone needs a bodyguard, I’d say I’ll be Leeman and that way our best fighter is able to protect me and our best magician is able to protect me.
Taako: [softly, overlapping Merle and Magnus] Oh, I’m flattered-
Magnus: As opposed to all our other magicians.
Director: Okay.
Taako: Well, it’s, listen, that’s semantics!
Magnus: Uh, what can you tell us about the artifact?
Director: Uh, we don’t know. We can’t, we sort of, we -
Magnus: What the shit?
Director: Well we know he collected an artifact, but if that missive had been intercepted in the air, we- that information, that incredibly valuable and dangerous information could have fallen into enemy hands, so we purposefully keep it vague.
Magnus: Well, great.
Merle: Let’s do it.
Taako: Are you gonna fire us out of the cannon?
Director: We absolutely are going to fire you out of a cannon.

Merle and Magnus: [shouting] Yaaaay!

Magnus: One more question before we go. How do the gauntlets work?
Director: The what now?
Magnus: The gauntlets, the bracers.
Merle: Our bracers.
Director: Oh, you just -
Taako: The bracers!
Director: Point and click, baby. Windows 98.
Magnus: Okay, cool. Where’s Killian? Is she gonna come with? I’d feel better if she were there.
Director: Killian? Killian is a Regulator, she- she cannot go with you on a reclaiming mission.
Magnus: Well, can we signal for her if we get in trouble?
Director: The only way you will signal for her is if you find the artifact and use it.
Taako: And keep it, right?
Director: And then she will Bat-signal, yes, will sound off, and then she will come, but not for hang-time; she will kill all of you.
Merle: You’re getting a little obvious there, Maggie.
Magnus: What? Listen, she’s a fan-favorite, I’m trying to re-introduce her to the story.

[Clint laughing.]

Director: Yeah, I guess let’s get Johann and Klaarg in the mix too, huh? As long as we’re pandering.
Magnus: Yeah, I wanna keep the people.
Merle: [sounds on the verge of tears] Can we bring Billy Bluejeans back?
Director: Barry Bluejeans -
Magnus: It was Barry Bluejeans, his brother Billy Bluejeans is in Neverwinter.
Merle: We met Billy too.
Taako: Uh, how quickly we forget, huh? Boy, Barry must have made a real impact on you.

[Clint laughing.]

Clint: Alright, let’s go change clothes.

Travis: Magnus has already changed.

Griffin: Uh, how did you already change?

Travis: I started changing when you started telling your story about murdering somebody or something.

Griffin: You got your dick out and your whole naked body out while she was talking to you?

Travis: Yeah. But nobody noticed!

Griffin: You need to tell me these thing- You need to tell me these things while they are happening in real time--

Travis: I literally said “Magnus starts changing”!

Griffin: Oh, okay, well… that was a successful-

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: We thought you meant change of life.

Griffin: Yeah, I thought you were pupating.

Travis: Magnus starts changing his opinions about politics.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Okay, you, uh, run back to your, uh, dormitory. Robbie’s there, he’s like,

Robbie: What’s up? You all goin’ on a secret mission? Ha ha haaaa.
Merle: Hey, do you have any disguise potions?
Taako: [overlapping Robbie] Oh, that’s a good question.
Robbie: No, but I’ve got a Rusted Root CD.
Magnus: Ha ha! I’ll take it.
Taako: Kay!
Robbie: Huh, let me see, disguise potion.
Taako: IIIIIII’m... gonna be sent on my way... on this adventure.
Robbie: No, my potions aren’t necessarily, um…
Merle: Useful.
Robbie: No- yeah, they, yeah, uh-- they’re not utilitarian in nature, uh, I mean, unless the utility you want is to get… real fucked up.

Griffin: He says.

Merle: I’ll take one.
Robbie: Well, okay, I can’t just keep giving you guys these -
Merle: I’ll bring you back a Rusted Root CD.
Robbie: Hey. If you guys actually bring me back a rusted root, I can throw it in a mortar and pestle and whip up a kind of potion that has never been invented yet.
Merle: Alright. We’ll do it.

Griffin: Um. Okay, the three of you report to the hangar. Um... it’s uh, there’s not a lot of people out walking around the campus, obviously, most people are sleeping. Uh... not everybody’s been assigned a secret 3 AM mission. Uh, the- at the hangar there’s-

Travis: So you’re saying that the line at security is pretty light.

Griffin: Yeah, you- yeah, you make it through TSA, like, preeetty quickly.

Justin: Uh, Ditto-

Travis: Did we stop at the Hudson News?

Griffin: Magnus, actually, the TSA wants to know about the super fuck-up potion, the Hair of the Dog potion that you have, because it’s over two ounces.

Clint: Oh. Drink it.

Griffin: You’re going to have to slam that right now, they say.

Travis: No!

Griffin: Yep, sorry.

Justin: Yep, yep.

Griffin: You’re gonna have to slam it right now or throw it away.

Travis: But I don’t wanna be fucked up in the cannon!

Justin: Slam it! Fuck up-

Clint: It may be better that way.

Travis: Okay, Magnus slams it.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay, you immediately -

Justin: Oh, gross, we just had to talk Magnus into something.

[Laughter.]

Griffin: Um. You immediately, uh, f-forget, like, how to speak well. Uh, you’re- you are, uh-- you will, uh, suffer a penalty to any wisdom checks until, uh, we’ll say disadvantage to any wisdom checks until this thing wears off, um, but you’re real chill. You’re super duper chill, um, and you’re real happy about it.

Justin: Uh, Ditto, is this the first night that we are there? Like--

Griffin: No, sorry, I should have mentioned-- yeah, I should have set up the timeline. Yeah, it’s been about, uh- three weeks since you’ve been there.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Yeah, things have been pretty quiet, there just hasn’t been a lot of new intel coming in, uh, and this is the first mission that you guys have really been assigned.

Justin: Have we done any sort of, like, learning, like, in the three weeks we’ve been here? We--Have we learned anything about the Relics or the nature of this organization, or anything that we’ve picked up of use?

Griffin: That’s actually a good question. Um, so, yeah, what you’ve learned, you’ve learned a little bit about the Relics. The- the-- there’s not a whole lot that is, like, concrete information about the Relics, because, uh... it- it just, by nature of the fact that they were never in the possession of one entity for long enough for that information to be, you know, especially trustworthy?

Um, maybe there were a lot of misinformation campaigns spread during the- the conflict when people were trying to hunt these down, uh... to get people off of the scent? So there’s not a lot that you know for sure. Uhm, well, one thing that you do know is that each of the seven Relics, uh, belongs to a different school of magic. So the uh, the gauntlet that you found, which can summon huge bouts of flame and uh, you know, was- was mainly based around destruction was, uh, from the Evocation school of magic. So that one was dealt with, uh, you don’t have to deal with that one. But, uh, yeah, each- each, uh, of the Relics belongs to a different school of magic, so there’s -

Justin: Alteration.

Griffin: Alteration-

Justin: Illusion.

Griffin: Illusion, Necromancy, uh -

Travis: Accounting.

Griffin: Accounting. Um, Hufflepuff. So like, there’s a lot -

Justin: Air--uh, heat, heat and air repair.

Griffin: Uh huh.

[Laughter.]

Griffin: Um, so yeah! There’s, um -

Justin: Medical database entry.

Travis: [in agreement] Mm hmm, mm hmm.

Justin: I can think of a couple others- give me some time.

Clint: That’s actually a Bureau of Balance Tech.

Griffin: Yeah, at the Technical -

Justin: [laughing] It’s a two year Bureau of Balance -

[All laughing.]

Griffin: The Bureau of Balance Community College Technical Institute, yep. Uhh. Yeah, that’s about all the, the information you’ve gained. It’s been kind of boring! You just haven’t had, like, a lot to do. You’ve done some training, keeping your bodies right, um, but -

Justin: Getting levels or anything?

Griffin: No, I gave you two levels in the last episode now don’t get greedy -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] We gained six levels, we’re now level ten.

Griffin: We can’t spend more of an entire episode just leveling you guys up, so- Um...

Justin: It was a- it was a smash hit though!

Travis: People loved the leveling up.

Griffin: [sarcastically] Yeah, people love, uh, mechanics. Um, there’s only one guard standing watch, uh, at the hangar, the night shift, the graveyard shift, uh, and it’s your old pal Avi! Who uh, gave you the brandy when you first arrived here.

Justin: Avi!

Griffin: Avi. He’s like,

Avi: Hey guys, what’s up?
Magnus: [interrupting, slurring] Avi, I’m real fucked up.
Avi: Oh, dang. What… what happened to this guy?
Merle: Oh, hair of the dog that bit him.
Avi: You’re not really supposed to, like, get on one of these if you’re… I mean, I won’t tell -
Magnus: [audibly intoxicated] I’ll be fiiiiiine!

[laughter]

Avi: [doubtful] Okay… You kinda sound like, uh, some kind of wolf-man.
Magnus: It’s totally coooool, duuuuude.
Avi: Hey, why are you, why is it whisper time now?
Magnus: Shhhhh… Shhh… Shh.
Avi: Okay, uh, do you guys -
Magnus: [whispering] Avi… Avi… Avi… Avi...
Avi: [laughing a little] Uh, yeah?

[pause.]

Magnus: [whispering] You’re great.
Avi: [laughing] Ha ha, thank you! Yes, thank you.
Merle: You’re his best friend!
Avi: I think you guys are pretty -
Magnus: [still whispering] I really, I think you’re... a cool duuuude.
Avi: Yeahhh.

[laughter]

Magnus: [intensely whispering] Avi!
Avi: Yeah?
Magnus: Do you wanna go on a mission?
Avi: I can’t. I’m not… I can’t. It’s my job to -
Magnus: Okay, we’ll meet you down there.
Avi: Well, I won’t be able to -
Magnus: Avi! Be cool for two seconds.
Avi: I think I’m being pretty cool.
Magnus: Just... Avi!
Avi: Yep?
Magnus: Shh shh shh shh… be cool for two seconds.

[Justin losing it in the background.]

Avi: Okay.
Magnus: [still whispering] We’ll see you down there.
Avi: I wo -
Magnus: Don’t, shhh… Avi? It’s a secret mission. Shh shh shh shh shh shhhhh. We’ll see you down there. [high-pitched] Wink! [pause] Wink! You’re a cool dude.

[Justin and Clint dying of laughter]

Justin: Can I get clarification? Did he just wink or, say “wink” out loud?

Magnus: [still whispering] Both.

[More laughter and coughing]

Merle: He’ll be okay, we got him, we got him.
Avi: It seems like you’re having a great time. I would wink back but I can’t, um… never learned how! Uhhm. No, I -
Taako: Do you have any of that brandy we could take with us though?
Avi: No, it’s like, it’s like three in the morning, I’m actually gonna cut you guys off, um.
Magnus: YOU’RE CUT OFF!
Avi: I don’t-- You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here because I’m about to fire you out of a cannon. Um, uh, have you guys used one of these before, is this your first time, getting, uh... gettin’ shot? Getting blasted?
Merle: Well obviously we’ve been blasted before.
Avi: Yeah, clearly.
Taako: No cannons though.
Merle: No cannons!
Avi: Okay! Well it’s, uh, it’s pretty easy, guys! Uh, just, uh - pop - pop in -

Travis: Magnus gets in.

Griffin: Avi taps on the sphere to open the door, somehow Magnus got in before the door was open.

[Clint laughs.]

Griffin: Uh, it’s the same type of sphere that you guys, uh, came into the Bureau of Balance on. Uhhm. Uh. It is a Volkswagen-sized glass ball with, uh, heavy brass fittings all around. Um.

Travis: Are we talking like Jetta, Beetle, like a van? What kind of Volkswagen?

Griffin: Like a Golf. Volkswagen Golf. Um.

Travis: Okay, thank you.

Griffin: And, uh, yeah, taps on it, same sort of situation, four chairs, uh, with straps, uh, for- for you to lock in on, um, and uhhh- yep!

Travis: Magnus sits down and immediately falls asleep.

Clint: [overlapping] I get the extra chair!

Griffin: You get the extra chair, like, you’re gonna recline one and lean back?

Clint: [sadly] Nah, let’s let him lay down in two chairs.

Griffin: He actually, Avi says,

Avi: Ooh, careful man, if you do that, you’ll definitely die.
Magnus: Shhhhh, sh sh shh [continues shushing for a while]
Merle: It’s okay, let him...
Avi: Okay, it’ll be kind of a weird way for his character to be, uh, written out of the story but-
Merle: I’ll buckle him in on both seats.
Taako: Why is this a thing? Can we just get in the fucking cannon or what? [Clint laughs] Put him in a seat and-
Magnus: Avi, be cool!
Merle: Taako wants action!
Taako: I want out! Of this place!

Griffin: Okay. So there is one seat that, uh, is something of the... uh-- captain’s seat, uh, which, uh, somebody will need to be in charge of. There’s no -

Magnus: I got it!
Merle: No! No, man. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t drink potions and drive.

Griffin: Who wants to be in charge of, uh, the landing of this -

Merle: Taako!
Taako: [unconvinced] Mmmmmm...
Merle: Get up there, big boy!
Taako: Well, I mean okay, my intelligence and dexterity are both pretty good, I guess-- I guess it makes sense. I’ll, uh, I’ll take- I’ll take the reins!

Griffin: Okay, um, Avi says,

Avi: Well, there’s not really reins to speak of, uh, you’re gonna wanna sit in this um, this front left chair, and uh, there’s a handle that you’re gonna feel. You feel it, on the left side?
Taako: Yeah, right there.
Merle: He’s feeling his handle.

Griffin: [exasperated] Dad!

Clint: What?

Taako: Yuck-o, moving on.

Travis: I get it!

Taako: I’ve got the- I’ve got the totally non-sexual handle. What’s next?

Griffin: He says, uh,

Avi: Before-- this is super important -
Taako: Mm hm?
Avi: Before... this thing hits the ground-

Clint: And then the door shuts.

[Laughter.]

Griffin: Okay, the door shuts.

Avi [very fast, muffled through the door]: Before it hits the ground you gotta pull the handle! Pull the totally non-sexual handle right before it hits the ground! Or else you’ll go bang. Okay bye!
Taako: Got it!
Merle: Who was that?
Taako [laughing]: Probably Avi!
Merle: Okay, kick it! Floor it!

Griffin: As soon as the door shuts, uh, a, uh, large, uh, tube pops out, uh, slowly ascends from the ground.

[Travis/Magnus laughing like a child.]

Clint: Hey! How come Griff - T- Travis can get away with it?!

Griffin: Uh, the sphere -

Travis: That was in character, Dad!

Griffin: The three of you are loaded on, on top of the, uh... the departure gate, uh, rolls forward into the tube, and a hatch behind you, uh, slams shut--

Travis: And then we sit in the tube for thirty minutes while they check something on the- on the sphere.

Griffin: Yeah, they de-ice the tube, uh, for a long time. It’s completely pitch black, there’s- there’s no light whatsoever, um... until you- you feel this- this tube that you’re in start to descend-

[Travis snickering, Clint singing that boat song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory softly in the background.]

Griffin: What, what is it about the word tube, Travis?

Travis: It’s a funny word-

Griffin: Because it doesn’t even seem remotely - like, Fallopian tubes? Is that what you’re having a ROFL [pronounced roffle] about?

Travis: No, it’s just a funny word, Griffin.

Griffin: Uh, it descends, you feel it descend, and then you see a small, uh, like, uh, pinpoint of light in front of you. Uh…

Travis: Like an aperture?

Griffin: And you hear a voice say, uh,

Announcer: [muffled, slightly echoed] Please put your head flush with the back of the chair so you don’t break--any of your neck bones! [awkwardly] I’m the--flight safety person, and good luck.

[laughter]

Travis: “This is a pre-recorded message and the best take we could get!”

[laughter]

Clint: I heard him say “flush.”

Announcer: Departure in 3, 2, 1…

Justin: What?

Announcer: Oh, sorry, did you--sorry, [Justin laughing] the audio quality’s not great ‘cause it’s like fantasy, but, um, I said--

Clint: I want a large fries--

Announcer: No, It’s not- 3 2 1 bye!

Griffin: Uh, and the three of you are flung forward at, uh- at a velocity that you previously may have considered unsurvivable.

Travis: Magnus’ neck breaks and he dies.

[laughter]

Griffin: Uhhm. Magnus, are you actually laying between two chairs, or are you--?

Magnus: No, I’m sitting up like a big boy.

Griffin: M’kay. Uh, that’s, yes- uh, and this experience is especially exhilarating for you. It’s basically the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey, uh- because you guys are basically flying, but you’re actually just falling very, very quickly, in a very specific direction.

Travis: Would you say it is a sobering experience?

Griffin: Uh... yeah, I would say so. [amused] It’s a--if only you could open up a window and get some fresh air on your face. Uh, yeah, I would say the effects of this potion, uh, while potent, are not especially long-lasting. It’s basically salvia. The salvia of, uh, of potions.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: Dad, salvia was a legal drug, um, that you were allowed to take for a long time that would make you... basically teleport but for, like, fifteen minutes. I read about it in Rolling Stone.

Clint: I was gonna say, yeah--this is you telling my character, not you telling your father.

Griffin: No, yeah, and again, I’m saying: I read about it in Rolling Stone.

Clint: Sure.

Justin: Even “drug” is a stretch. It was from the earth.

Griffin: Yeah, it was--

Travis: It was like a blueberry or a potato.

Griffin: It was a kind- kind, kind bud.

Clint: But you three all have this knowledge from your reading.

[crosstalk of the brothers all agreeing it was from Rolling Stone]

Justin: Like Travis said, it’s like a blueberry or like a heroin plant.

[laughter]

[32:51-44:18 Max Fun Drive break]

Griffin: The three of you aren’t falling so much, uh, as you are-- y- you weren’t shot out of this cannon straight down. Um, rather, you were shot at, uh, kind of a- a steep angle. You’re almost going forwards more than you’re going down. Um, and, uh- it’s kind of beautiful. The- the sun is rising, uh, over the Teeth, uh, which is a , uh, towering mountain range, uh, that runs over, uh, a long [with a lisp] isthmus-- I am incapable of saying that word. Is isth--is isthmus the one that’s like a strip of land connecting two bigger pieces of land?

Clint: Yes.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Like the [exaggerated lisp] Isthmus of Panama.

Griffin: Right.

Travis: You can say Christmas; why is this hard?

Justin: Or “land bridge.”

Griffin: [laughing] It’s the ongoing war on Isthmus. [Clint (?) laughs] Um, uh, you’re flying over the Teeth. It’s it’s- it’s beautiful, it’s uh, it is the scariest imaginable way to travel, but it is not, uh, without its benefits, um, because you get a full 360° panoramic view of the, uh, of the world around you. Um... and, so you’re flying over the-- over the Teeth, um, when you reach the end of the range, when you finally start to descend. Um, again it’s just so beautiful, you are flying over a flock of- of Pegasuses, Pegasi--

Clint: Aww.

[laughter]

Griffin: Um. And you’re actually getting really close to them as you’re descending--

Taako: I pull the handle.

Griffin: --and you’re just going so fast--

Justin: I pull the handle.

Griffin: Uh, you pull the handle--

Justin: That was intoxicating though. For a second I was just, like, staring at it like, “Let’s just let it end.”

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Okay, you pull the handle. You’re still about, um--

Justin: Got a good nine episodes.

Griffin: You’re still about uhh--

Travis: It’s been a good run. We all hold hands.

Griffin: You’re still about a mile off the ground, um, and you pull the handle right actually right before you were about to collide with this flock of, uh, of Pegasi.

Clint: Seagulls.

Griffin: Uh, no, pega- pegasuses. Um, and, uh, you you, pull the handle and your, uh, sphere is encased in a silvery light, and your descent starts to slow down, uh, right actually as you get into this flock of Pegasi. Uh, you haven’t,  uh... you didn’t obliterate any of them with your trajectory. Uh.

Travis: Aww.

Griffin: You have slowed down. However, you are now spending a lot of time being caught in this, uh, flock, uh, and they are panicked. Uh. A few of them run into the, uh, the glass, uh, chamber, uh, and by the time you get out of this swarm of beautiful winged horses, uh, your trajectory--

Travis: They’re just pooping everywhere.

Clint: We are covered in Pega-shit.

Griffin: Uh, you are covered in Pega-shit, and your trajectory has changed pretty wildly.

Travis: [sarcastically] Well, super cool, DM!

[someone snorts]

Griffin: What?

Travis: Well, we’re supposed to get on a train, and you’ve ruined it with your storytelling!

Griffin: I didn’t tell you to pull the handle! Your uh, your trajectory is changed pretty wildly; you are uh, you’ve basically turned about 90 degrees to the left, uh, in the direction that you were originally headed, uh, away from a lush, soft, green pasture, uh, outside of the town of Rockport, which you can see the, uh, the lights of below. Uh, you- you are moving away from that destination and into a thickly wooded area.

Travis: Super cool.

Griffin: Um, uh- just by triangulating you’re guessing it’s a few miles outside of uh, of Rockport.

[Someone makes a cartoony, whistling falling sound]

Griffin: Uh, and as you pierce through the top layer- the canopy of these woods, uh, and look down, you realize, just as you land, uh, that you are in a swamp.

Travis: “You’ve realized just as you land that you’ve never truly loved anyone.”

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, no, it’s uh, it’s not a crash landing. It is- it is a soft landing, but you have landed, uh, in the mucky… mire of a swamp. Um, you are strapped in. You’re actually kind of face down, you’re facing down, so you’re strapped in, sort of hanging, uh, from the chairs, uh, looking down at this swamp. And, and, uh, that is where you are.

[49:00]

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Um--

Justin: Do we see--is there anything we can see other than swamp?

Clint: [overlapping Justin] Muck. Just muck.

Justin: Landmarks or anything?

Griffin: No. It is a--there are a lot of trees around that are sort of blocking your vision. The only thing you can see is the mucky water below, which your sphere is kinda starting to sink into.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Now where’s the door? Is it in front of us, on the muck side? Do we need to roll the sphere backwards or something?

Griffin: The door is face down, in the muck. The door is, uh, submerged. It’s still closed; the muck water’s not getting in. Um--

Clint: I would like to take a “throw ourselves backwards so it rolls out the muck and the door is free” roll.

Griffin: [amused] That’s a--that was a lot of things. That was a lot of concepts, uh, that you have--

Clint: Well, then just give it to us.

Travis: How mad would they be--how mad would the Bureau be if I just smashed this thing? Do they have more of them? Is this the only sphere they’ve got?

Griffin: Uh--

Clint: Smash, smash, smash.

Griffin: --you saw several of these spheres in the hanger, so... Yes. They have more of them.

Clint: I like my “roll it backwards and free the door” idea, but…

Travis: Sure, go for that.

Griffin: M’kay.

Justin: Yeah, try it.

[Clint makes a struggling noise, Travis laughs]

Griffin: Are you going to try and do it while you’re still strapped into these chairs hanging from the ceiling? ‘Cause it might be hard to get leverage.

Clint: Well, I think that would-- [defeated] Well, all right, let’s unstrap, and then push against the sides so we can begin the sphere rolling until the door is free.

Griffin: M’kay.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: By- by the time that the three of you get unstrapped, um, without, you know, landing on each other comically, uh, the sphere is about one-third submerged in the-- in the goo.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: What’s your approach gonna be? Are you trying to just basically hamster ball this?

Clint: Yeah! Yeah, that’s what I was thinkin’.

Griffin: M’kay.

Justin: It’s like sinking though, right? There’s nothin’... solid below us. Are we sinking?

Griffin: Uh, yeah.

Justin: Okay, we’re not going to be able to roll it without sinking.

Clint: Oh, sure! Yeah.

Taako: I’m getting out. I climb out of the door and leave.

Travis: Uh, the door-- [?? others talking]

Griffin: The door is underwater.

Travis: Okay.

Taako: What?
Merle: You’re gonna kill us!

Griffin: The door is under goo.

Travis: Wait, I saw this on Mythbusters. [Clint laughs] We have to wait until it’s completely submerged, and then the pressure equalizes, we can open the door, swim out.

Griffin: Uh, the- the- the swamp that you are sinking into is not water. It is- it is a viscous sort of, uh, almost quicksand-like goo.

Justin: How heavy would you say the orb is?

Griffin: It is the, the dimensions and weight of a Volkswagen Golf.

Clint: Hmm.

Travis: Okay, I smash through the side of it.

Griffin: Okay. Goddammit.

Travis: What?

Griffin: …Somebody’s, like, mowing their lawn, like, right outside my door.

Travis: [laughing] Oh, I thought I’d made a choice and you were like, “Well, fuck. [Clint laughs] You really backed me into a corner, Travis.”

Griffin: Okay! Uh, with uh, your axe?

Travis: With my Phantom Fist. I’m gonna punch through.

Griffin: Okay. Using your, uh... heavy plate gauntlet Phantom Fist, which you purchased in the last episode, uh, you rear back, uh, and punch forward. As you do, a larger, spectral hand sort of wraps itself around your own, uh, and helps you in this endeavor, and you, uh, smash through the glass, uh, a couple feet above the waterline, of- of the uh, goo. And you have successfully made a hole that is, uh, big enough for- for, uh, the three of you to fit through. Not all at once- that would be hilarious. Uh, but the three of you can, can get through this hole that you’ve created.

Travis: We do that.

[Clint laughs]

Taako: Fully.

Griffin: Uh, okay, the three of you fully get through, uh, the door- uh, the, well, by door I mean “makeshift hole that you have just, uh, blasted in the side of this thing”, um, and, uh, have made it out onto the swamp. It is very, very tricky terrain. Um, one might even call it “difficult terrain.” It’s, it’s hard to keep your footing, and it’s hard to sort of keep yourself moving so you don’t also, uh, get glorped down.

Travis: Don’t my magic jumping boots, like, help me in difficult terrain? Am I making that up?

Griffin: Yeah, I think you’re making it up.

Travis: [disagreeing with Griffin] Mm…

Griffin: [disagreeing with Travis] Mm?

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: I guess it’s open to debate, but I think--

Travis: If only this game were made of everyone making stuff up, huh? [Clint laughs] Anyways.

Griffin: Uh, you, uh-- yeah. So the three of you have made it out. Uh, the sphere is almost totally submerged. Um--

Travis: Oh, I left my wallet in there!

Taako: Would--what if I were to do like, um--if I were to use the ray of frost, could I freeze the swamp around it? Would that work?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s worth a shot.

Taako: We got a thing going here?

Griffin: Yeah yeah, let’s see what happens.

Merle: Maybe the blue ring would help him too.
Taako: That’s a frost resistance ring.
Merle: Well, yeah, but it ices beverages.
Taako: It helps me, uh --

Griffin: A swamp is not a beverage. I’m just going to go ahead and cut-- cut you off at the pass there, Dad. Swamps aren’t drinkable.

Taako: Swamps aren’t beverages.

Clint: Well, don’t force your- your choices on me!

[laughter]

Justin: Hey, old man! My daddy can drink any swamp he wants.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: [trying to do Taako’s voice at first] Uh, okay, I’ll cast, uh, ray of frost to try to um, to try--sorry, like, morphed back into Justin because I’m not saying out loud what I’m doing. Uh, I’m gonna cast ring of frost, ray of frost, uh, on the--sort of the, like, swamp around the ball to try to halt its- its sinkage.

Griffin: Uh, okay, yeah, you do that. You uh, you sort of do a quick circle of ray of frost around the sphere, and you have managed to, uh, freeze at least the top part of the swamp which has managed to halt the descent of your, uh, of your sphere.

Justin: Okay, okay, listen, listen. We need to get busy here. I don’t have-- I don’t have any magic that can help point us in the direction that we need to... go- We’re trying to catch a train, right?

Griffin: Yes. Um, yeah.

Justin: Okay.

Taako: I don’t have a--none of my spells sort of leap to mind that would be, uh, helpful to us. Um--

Griffin: Your uh--

Taako: Tasha’s hideous laughter, nothing. You guys have any, like, spells, or  [stuttering] abilities? Can I do a perception check to see if I can- can sense any, like, train-like activities?

Griffin: Uh, can you do--sorry? A perception check to see if you sense any “train-like” abilities…?

Justin: [laughing] I mean, like, a-a-a dist--a distant floodlamp, or perhaps, a place where tracks used to be but aren’t right now.

Travis: This is a solid, solid, puzzle.

Griffin: Yeah, that is some solid dungeoneering, is what that is.

Justin: [sound of a die clattering on a table] Good news, I got a 1.

[laughter]

Griffin: So you failed on your- you critically failed, on your, uh...

Travis: [crosstalk] So you just go, “What’s a train?”

Travis: But we - we know the direction, we could-

Justin: I fall over and start shoveling swamp into my mouth. [laughs]

Clint: Do we have a map or anything?

Travis: We could see Rockport when when we landed, like we have a general idea-

Griffin: The three of you, the three of you - I’m gonna set the - I’m gonna set the scene. The three of you are standing in swamp water, just sort of stomping around to keep yourself from sinking. Uh, you have frozen the swamp around the sphere… Um, as the three of you, uh, uh, are debating furiously about what trains could possibly be close to you, uh, you hear, uh, kind of a... goopy sound coming from above you, in the uh, the canopy of the trees above. And, uh… you hear a goopy sound.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: A goopy sound?

Griffin: Yeah, kind of like a [making wet noises with his mouth]

Travis: Oh, great.

Justin: [laughing] Okay, can I do a, uh - can I do a perception check to see if any, like -

Travis: Let’s all do a perception check.

[sound of dice rolling]

Travis: I got a 16.

Justin: I got a, uh... 13.

Travis: Oh, I got 15, ‘cause I have a -1 perception.

Clint: 14.

Griffin: Okay. Magnus, you, uh, you see, just for a flash of a second - uh, a, uhhh... green, slimey eyestalk, popping out of the canopy of the largest tree above. Um, and as soon as you sort of make eye contact with it, it zips back up into the tree.

Magnus: Hello! Wha - Do you know where the train is?

Griffin: Magnus, actually, as you yell at it to try and um, uh, negotiate or - or get some information, um, the eyestalk pops back out. Uh. And then... uh, further down the branch, another eyestalk pops out. And then, uh - from a hole in the tree another eyestalk pops out.

Magnus: What up?

Griffin: Um, and slowly from those three positions, uh, the… You, you see, uh, begin to climb out, these dark green… um… uhh - leeches begin to come out of the tree. Uh. The ones on the branches are descending towards you on strings of goo and plop down, uh, on the surface of the swamp next to you, um, the one coming out of the tree, uh, has made it down to the base of the tree. Um. And the- the one that just came down off the tree, the biggest one, uh, rears back, uh, and opens a mouth lined with three rows of razor-sharp teeth, and it begins hissing at you.

Magnus: Hello!

Griffin: Uh, and it’s, uh-

Magnus: So, I was asking about a train?

Griffin: [Chuckles] Uh, and it is, uh, it’s initiative time.

[pause]

Griffin: ...do you guys remember battles?

Travis: I’ve heard of them.

[sound of dice rolling]

Justin: 5.

Travis: Uh, 10.

Clint: 20.

Griffin: Wow. Top of the order is Merle! Uh- you are on difficult terrain, which means that your movement speed is going to be halved. The leeches are… basically lined up in a row in front of you, um, they all came down off the same tree. Uh- and, uhhh, they are- they’re close; they’re about ten feet away.

Clint: Alright, I wanna cast Thorn Whip at them.

Griffin: What is that? I ha-- I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Clint: Alright. [Justin laughs in background] You create a long, vine-like whip covered in thorns that lashes out at your command towards a creature in range. You make a melee spell attack against the target, if the attack hits, the creature takes one D6 piercing damage, and if the creature is large or smaller, you pull the creature up to ten feet closer to you.

Griffin: Okay. Is this a spell, wh- wh-- is this a second level spell?

Clint: This is one of the cantrips that was granted to me when I switched over.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, oh, oh, I see, cool. Okay. Alright, sweet! Whip away.

Clint: 15.

Griffin: 15, is that just what you rolled?

Clint: That’s what I rolled.

Griffin: And then you have your spellcasting modifier and you have +1 because you have your Extreme Teen Bible now.

Clint: Ah, so… +5!

Griffin: I think it was +5 before, so it should be +6 with your Teen Bible, so 21.

Clint: So, 21.

Griffin: Uh yeah, that’s a hit.

Clint: Right, and then I roll a d6?

Griffin: Mhm.

Clint: ...It’s a 6! Perfect.

Travis: Magnus yells,

Magnus: Don’t move ‘em!

Griffin: Okay. Um… Wait, do you have to move ‘em?

Clint: Doesn’t have to, huh-uh.

Griffin: M’kay. Cool. Yeah, you, uh, you have whipped him. You whipped him good.

[Travis and Clint laugh]

Griffin: Uh, are you done--?

Justin: How many, like, little things are poking out? Like--

Griffin: There are 3 leeches.

Justin: Okay. So which one did he just, uh, whip?

Clint: The one in the middle.

Griffin: The one in the middle? The one that came down off the branch?

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin & Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Um, are you done with your turn?

Clint: Um, I think so.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you sink into the swamp, uh, to about your waist.

Travis: Good luck.

Griffin: [over Travis] Next in the order is Magnus.

Clint: [over Griffin] Do we know how much damage we did to him?

Griffin: Uh, 6 damage, you said it out loud with your mouth.

Clint: Oh, okay.

[Justin chuckles]

Travis: Um... I’m going to run over to the tree, or move to the tree they came down off of?

Griffin: M’kay.

Travis: And I’m going to use Railsplitter to fell it so it falls over on top of all three of them.

Griffin: [amused] Okay, awesome. Uh... yeah, you, uh-- distribute a devastating chop to the base of the tree that the three of them came down on, uh- angled in a manner to make it sort of slide off, uh, in their direction. You give it the old Bushido Blade. Uhh. I- it’s almost like--

Justin: I think it’s pronounced “Buscemi Blade.”

[laughter]

Griffin: You give the old Buscemi Blade. It’s like you didn’t--it’s like you felt nothing as you went through. It w- it was almost like you were, uh- chopping through a curtain or something.

[rustling noises]

Justin: Sorry, I need to mute our mic; Dad has decided to take this opportunity to enjoy a popcorn snack.

[Travis laughs]

Clint: [quietly] Sorry.

Griffin: Oh, wow! So, literally, the worst possible audible thing.

[Justin laughs]

Clint: [apologetically] I put it down.

Griffin: Please don’t eat a popcorn snack. You--

Justin: [amused] I was actually looking forward to enjoying the popcorn snack with you, so I’m a little sad about pointing it out.

Griffin: Well, maybe like, during a break. Um, you--no, it’s not like we couldn’t tell that you weren’t eating a goddamn popcorn snack. It was like you were breakdancing on--

Clint: Really? How do you know this was my first bag? [laughing like a jerk]

Griffin: Travis is doing some dope shit, if you guys would allow him.

Travis: Thank you!

Clint: Yeah, yeah…

Griffin: Um... the Railsplitter passes through the tree like a, like a baseball bat passing through a ghost.

[laughter]

Griffin: Um, and the tree, uh, slides off of the base. It begins to fall in a straight line towards the leeches. Uh, and they are going to make dexterity saving throws to try and get out of the way. …Uh, the first one, the one, uh, at the base closest to the tree, [die roll] rolled a 2, which is a 5--that’s not gonna do it. Uh, the one in the middle that just got attacked, [die roll] got a 19; that will do it. He uh, darts, uh, forward towards you. Um, uh-- I’m assuming, Travis, that you ran over to the base of the tree to make this happen?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I-I stated that.

Griffin: M’kay. Um, and the [die roll] third one rolls an 18, which is sufficient. He darts forward too. Uh, but the tree falls, uh, to the side, and just completely obliterates the, uh, the leech that was, uh, closest to the base, the one that was actually right next to you, Magnus.

[crunching noises]

Griffin: Did someone eat popcorn?

Clint: Dang, he’s good!

Griffin: Yeah, I’m really good. Uh, so you have, uh... destroyed one of these leeches. Uh, there’s two left.

Travis: Uh, and I’m going--

Justin: I just wanna say, like, this is the first D and--I appreciate that this is a podcast. This is the first DnD, in history, where someone has not been able to enjoy a salty snack.

Travis: Yeah.

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: Yeah, really.

Justin: Like, never--like, the two shouldn’t even--it should be in the fuckin’ Player’s Handbook. Like, “be sure to get your salty snack to enjoy as you play DnD.”

Clint: Re- realism is just blown all to hell right now.

Justin: Yeah!

Clint: Sorry, but I feel that way.

Justin: I feel like I’m workin’--I feel like I’m preparing my taxes. That’s what DnD is without salty snacks.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: There. I got that off of my chest.

Griffin: Well-- we’ll need to come up with some sort of a, like a, one of those booths that they have at carnivals, where the money blows around?

[crunching noise]

Justin: Listen to Rosa Crunch over here!

[wheezing laughter]

Griffin: Listen to who?

Justin: Rosa Crunch! He’s not going to the back of the snack bus! so

[laughter]

Travis: Well, you know she wasn’t called Rosa Van, right, Justin?

[clapping]

Griffin: She wasn’t called Rosa Bus. What’re you talking about?

Justin: [laughing] He’s just gonna keep crunching.

Clint: Go ahead, move me!

Travis: I’m gonna step up on- I’m gonna step up onto the stump.

Griffin: M’kay, you’re stumping.

Justin: Well, that’s a good idea.

Griffin: This podcast is an auditory nightmare hellscape.

[laughter]

Justin: Thanks for the money, though.

[theme music starts to play, one last Max Fun Drive message, and the podcast ends]

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