Amnesty – Episode 10/Transcript

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...

Calvin Owens: I saw the pool that I've swum in every day, last night it came alive. Was that real? Do monsters really exist here?

Barclay: It knows where you live now. I gotta close down the hot springs until we slay this thing, and the folks here, they need the springs to live.

Ned: And I want you to enchant this Nerf gun that I acquired. It's a very historical piece, very, very sought after.

Heathcliff: You are full of Sylvain's power.

Aubrey: I had a big meal when I got here.

Heathcliff: No that's— heh. I don't know how you are so infused if you were born on Earth, but that is what I see. I can see it as plain as the stars in the sky.

Barclay: It is of the utmost importance that nobody else gets clued in, okay?

Ned: My friend, Discretion is my middle name.

[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]

Griffin: It is finally the following morning. The longest day in literary history has been concluded. We almost lived that one out in fuckin’ real time. [Clint chuckles] But it’s the following morning and the three of you have regrouped at Amnesty Lodge. It is a nice day outside but the scene in here seems kind of, uh, a little bit bleaker than you’re used to seeing here at Amnesty Lodge. Usually this is a warm place of gathering and kindness, but right now there's just a few people in the lobby. You see Jake Coolice and Dani sitting at a table in the dining area, and they're both just kinda sittin’ there, head in hands, looking just kind of— just wiped out. You hear Barclay rustlin’ around in the kitchen but nobody seems to be here. It seems almost like there's a pall cast over the lobby as you enter in. Barclay comes out and hands some tea to Dani and to Jake Coolice, who kinda half heartedly accept it and just sorta set it down on the table without drinking it. So Barclay walks over to the three of you and says:

Barclay: So, uh, how'd it go last night?

Aubrey: Well, um, we went to Sylvain. Did you know that?

Barclay: Yeah, yeah I knew that.

Ned: And all we got were these crummy t-shirts!

Duck: Yeah, we did buy a lot of t-shirts.

Ned: Yeah.

Barclay: Maybe don't let Agent Stern see you wearing t-shirts that say, “Hey, I just visited another world full of monsters and magic.” Maybe take those off before he wakes up. [crosstalk] That's maybe—

Duck: It's not written in— it's not written in Arabic characters, that wouldn't make any sense. [Aubrey: Yeah] [crosstalk] So, I doubt he could read the—

Barclay: That is totally fair. Cool, maybe it's just a neat, y’know, skateboard brand.

Duck: [chuckling] It's just a cool design. They told me it says “courage”.

Clint: [crosstalk] It— do— [chuckles]

Barclay: [crosstalk] Very nice.

Duck: So I just went with it.

Clint: Do we see Agent Double O Downer anywhere? Is he [crosstalk] out here?

Griffin: No, it's fairly early in the morning. You do not see him and assume he is in his quarters right now asleep.

Ned: Why is everybody bummed out, Barclay?

Griffin: He sighs and looks back at Dani and Jake and he turns back to you and he says:

Barclay: I had to shut the pump off that feeds the hot springs yesterday after the attack. We can't have that monster showin’ up here again and so nobody’s been in the hot springs for, y’know, about twelve hours now and folks are starting to get a little bit agitated. It's kind of what happens when you cut off a Sylvan from a life source like that. So I don't where you all are in your investigation, but we need to get this thing down and we need to get it down real fast, cus’ things could get very ugly around here real quick.

Duck: Barclay, in your estimation, how long we got?

Barclay: Another day or so and we're gonna start losing the stuff that we know and love about our friends Dani and Jake and Moira and the whole team here. So, as quick as possible would be better.

Ned: What do you mean “losing stuff”? Are they gonna start dyin’!?

Barclay: [sigh] Eventually, but before that happens they're gonna start going a little bit… well, I guess, feral [pronounced feeral] is the word.

Aubrey: And then, after that, they'll go feral.

Ned: And then they're gonna go ferrel.

Barclay: [sarcastic] Yeah, they're gonna turn into Pharrell and then they're gonna get the big hats. No, this is not a joke, this is really serious stuff.

Travis: I just wanna apologize to everybody listening, because I accidentally just did Magnus’ character voice there.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Oh yeah, I didn't even notice.

Travis: That probably was very confusing for everyone.

Justin: And for pedantry. Y’know, that’s what really hurts. [Clint chuckles] That’s [Travis: Yeah.] intervening for pedantry.

[Clint continues chuckling]

Griffin: Barclay says,

Barclay: So do you all think you have enough on this elemental?

Aubrey: Well, it kind of sounds like it’s past the point of worrying if we have enough, right Barclay? Like, we do or we don't but it's time to fight.

Barclay: We need to get the springs running again, but I don't want you all to run into a battle unprepared. I don't want you all to get hurt or worse.

Ned: You're right, no hurting.

Duck: It sounds like our only option then is to not go into it unprepared, eh? What do we— uh, what do we know?

Barclay: Let’s take this into Mama’s office, I don't want Stern walking in here and, uh—

Ned: Is she not back yet!?

Barclay: There was a part of me that was hoping that she would show up at that last minute. She'd walk through the door right when the hunt was about to begin and help save the day. I can't imagine doin’ this without her, I've never had to try before, but I don't think that's gonna happen. So I think it's just us on this one.

Aubrey: Have we, like, called around to— not that I think this is the case, but, like, local hospitals or police stations or have we checked around on Mama?

Griffin: He sighs again and he says:

Barclay: I can't bring myself to do it, Aubrey. I know that's cowardly of me but I'd rather hold out hope than go lookin’ for bad news.

Aubrey: [dejected] Yeah… I get that.

Barclay: Come on, uh, head into Mama’s office, I’ll bring you all some tea.

Griffin: And he motions towards Mama’s office.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: In we go!

Justin: In we go.

Griffin: And he comes in with tea and he knows your tea preference at this point. He knows you all enough to know how you like it. I can't— I'm not going to make pretend what that is, but just [crosstalk] imagine.

Clint: Arnold Palmer— Arnold Palmer iced tea, that's for me.

Griffin: Okay, he brings you a virgin Arnold?

Clint: Probably.

Justin: It's the only kind there is.

Clint: No, wait, no!

Travis: But an Arnold—

Griffin: It's like fuckin’ seven in the morning.

Travis: An Arnold Palmer is just tea and lemonade, you guys.

Griffin: Oh, I thought—

Clint: Aw, okay. I guess it is a virgin.

Travis: There's no booze in a Arnold Palmer.

Justin: I mean, sometimes there is. Arnold Palmer loves to party.

[Clint and Travis laugh]

Griffin: That's true, yeah.

Justin: [chuckles] Sometimes there is booze in an Arnold.


Griffin: He walks over to the desk and you all now seated at this large table in the center of the room. He rolls out a big map of Kepler, which I still need to generate. Hey, listeners! If you know of any good software to make a nice lookin’ map of, like—

Travis: It's called a pad of paper, Griffin.

Griffin: Yeah, that's gonna end up lookin’ like reaaaal shit. Um, but he rolls out a map of Kepler and walks over to the desk. And he pops it open and he pulls out Thacker’s very, very old laptop, which he sets up on the desk. And he says:

Barclay: Okay, so… what do we know? Obviously, this thing can control water and kinda take different forms as long as it's in the water. What else?

Aubrey: It seems aggressive, um, at least as far as once it tangles with somebody, it kinda continues to seek them out, right?

Griffin: He types all that in and kinda gets frustrated, but then you hear a MacBook error noise and then he clicks it away and keeps typing. And he says:

Barclay: Yeah, it seems aggressive. I mean, honestly, it sucks for us because we can't run the springs but it's gonna help us get into the final battle with this thing. We're not gonna have to hunt it down, it's hunting us. We can maybe use that as an advantage.

Ned: So we’re the bait?

Aubrey: Seems like.

Duck: Perhaps. It seems like we— it might be to our advantage at this point. I mean, we can pick a spot and at least determine where we wanna fight it, which might be somethin’.

Aubrey: Well, and, going off what we know, if we can get it there and then isolate it from any other source of water, at the very least we might be able to contain it.

Barclay: Yeah, you mentioned that before and I think that's gonna be our best chance. It seems to move through connected water channels and, if we can disconnect it from that after gettin’ it where we want it, we're gonna be able to keep this thing from takin’ off as soon as it feels threatened.

Duck: I've been working on trying to come up with some ideas for where we might be able to make our stand. Uh, but I'm not real happy with the list, so I'd rather just kinda keep it to myself, if that's...

Barclay: Oh, there's no such thing as a bad idea, just bad people.

Aubrey: I don't think that— [Duck: What?] Barclay, I don't think that's the saying.

Ned: He's Sylvan, he doesn't [crosstalk] know.

Barclay: [crosstalk] I'm still figuring out the idioms.

Duck: I've written on this list here, but I'd rather not read them. I'm just gonna keep them to myself, if that's okay.

Aubrey: No, c’mon.

Ned: Kinda slows down the ol’ planning process there, buddy.

Duck: I know, I know, but I've got them here on this list in my hand, and I just don't wanna read— read them. Read the list.

Ned: Well, I’ll read them for you if you want!

[Clint laughs]

Duck: Ah crap!

Ned: Let me have the paper, Duck, and I'll read them so you're not ashamed. [pause] Ah, lets see, first:

[Griffin laughs]

Ned: Is that the fir— this is the first one— this is— are these in priority?

Duck: I don’t— I don't— I just…

Ned: A big desert. That's—

Duck: Yeah, ok, I thought—

Ned: Or is— ah, wait, wait, wait, unless it’s supposed to be dessert? [crosstalk] Is it a big dessert?

Duck: [crosstalk] No, dessert has two— dessert’s super sweet, so it’s got two S’s.

Ned: Ok, so your first idea is a big desert.

Duck: A big desert.

Ned: You have a back up to the big desert plan: a dehumidifier store!

Duck: Ok, listen, I don’t even know if that exists. I was— it was pretty late, when I was cooking these up, ok? And I— I honestly lost the plot pretty quickly after that, I don’t even remember what the third one I wrote was. So please don’t give me any crap about it, all right, guys?

Ned: Uhh, sure! Big lake! Hmm!

Duck: Ok, listen, I was— I wasn’t really thinking at that point, ok? [crosstalk] I was tired, and it came to me—

Ned: [crosstalk] No, no! You went to a lot of trouble, I’m very proud of you.

Duck: All right. That’s the best I’ve got, so— desert, I can rule that one out pretty quickly. We— there’s not one of those for many miles. That would be challenging, I would say, at best. Dehumidifier store is promising—

Barclay: Yeah, it’s got something. You’ve got something.

Duck: Do you guys feel good about— ‘cause you can kinda see how we switch those motherfuckers on, [Barclay: Yeah…] and now it’s time to party.

Ned: That’s really niche-market in there.

Duck: It’s so niche. In this market, especially, I feel like— I don’t think I’ve seen a dehumidifier store.

Barclay: Well, there’s Dave’s Dehumidifier Depot down on Apricot Street.

[Clint laughing]

Duck: Okay, that is—

Aubrey: Yeah, but they don’t open until 11 on weekdays.

Duck: [laughing] Yeah, and those— and Dave’s prices are real jacked up, guys, if we break one of those things, we’re gonna be owing him out the wazoo, and I don’t think we want that.


Ned: There is the big lake, it says big lake.

Duck: [crosstalk] Yeah, lake’s a bad one—

Aubrey: [crosstalk] Wait, wait, wait, wait— Duck? Is there anywhere in your forest knowledge, I guess, anywhere where there’s, like, a dammed off section of anything, or anything where, like, a lock or somewhere we could lure and then close, you know— out in the open, away from people?

Duck: There’s the Morgantown Lock and Dam, it’s on the Monongahela up in Morgantown, obviously.

Griffin: Barclay says,

Barclay: A lock might not be a bad idea, but Morgantown’s way outside of the one mile perimeter. Is there anything on the Green Briar that is within the perimeter?

Griffin: I am saying, as the Keeper of this game, one thing that I want to do more of is have you guys flesh out the world of Kepler. I think that that was sort of one of my original goals when we started playing this game that I have not been an especially great steward of. If this is where y’all want this fight to take place, I think it could be fucking killer, and I think it’s something we should do.

Ned: You know, there’s the Kepler [Pay?] Lake. The Kepler [Pay] Lake, right on the outside outskirts of town, where they have a controlled water source where, you know, when they need to increase the water supply, they open it up, and then they close it off when they don’t need it anymore.

Duck: So maybe I’m just dense, guys, but how does this help us?

Aubrey: If we can, one, pinpoint it, and two, close it off from another source, so if we have something where we can have it open to get it there, and then close it off once it’s in, at the very least it won’t be able to spread. We could at least open back up the spring here, even if we’re not able to stop it, we’ll at least trap it.

Barclay: The biggest problem we’ve run into is that this thing turns tail and runs every time y’all get a shot off on it. And we’re not going to be able to take it down that way, and that’s why we’ve got to contain it. I think the [Pay] Lake sounds good, I think the lock and dam sounds good, if there’s one on the Green Briar close enough.

Aubrey: Ooh! Is there a water treatment plant in Kepler?

Barclay: Yeah, of course.

Aubrey: That might be...good.

Duck: Or very bad. That is connected [Aubrey: Yeah.] to all of the water in Kepler.

Aubrey: [crosstalk] Admittedly, yeah, yeah, yeah, but—

Duck: I mean, I would love it if we were fighting it and it was all purified, I would love that, if it was drinkable— wait a minute. You think I could drink the whole thing?

Barclay: Aaaahhhh, no.

Aubrey: No.

Barclay: No.

Aubrey: No. But with the— you know the water treatment, it’s got the arms sweeping through it? That might mess its shit up, I don’t know.

Griffin: Barclay says,

Barclay: I think one of these three ideas could work. The Pay Lake, the water treatment plant, they probably have a way to shut down the city water supply, in case, you know, some pizzn gets out. Or—

Duck: [laughing] What did you say?

Barclay: Pizzn? Or— it’s a new sort of dialect that I’ve picked up while living here in Kepler. Or we could do the lock and dam, it’s just— which one of them do you think is going to give us the best shot here?

Aubrey: Well, so here’s my concern: I know we talked about the lake, but that’s so much material [crosstalk] for it to use.

Barclay: It’s a lot of water.

Aubrey: And I feel like a water treatment, if we can get it into one of the big round reservoirs, it’s not as large as a lake, or a lock and a dam, you know what I mean? It feels like the more we are in control of it, the more material there is for us vs. it, so being able to walk on walkways over the water and stuff like that is going to benefit us.

Ned: Did you happen to see— Aubrey, you probably didn’t, because you weren’t here. Duck, maybe you remember this—

Aubrey: I live here now!

Ned: The short promotional video that the Kepler Junior Chamber of Commerce came up with on, you know, all the wonderful things about Kepler, trying to bring tourism in, and how Kepler has the most water slide parks per capita of any town in West Virginia?

Duck: Yeah, I remember they tried to get that motto going, “The Slippery City.” They [crosstalk] tried to get a nickname going—

Ned: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Aubrey: [crosstalk] I actually have heard that!

Ned: Yeah.

Duck: The Slippery City. I still have a magnet somewhere, I think.

Aubrey: Slide On In to Kepler, they said!

Duck: The Slippery City.

Ned: But— most of them have closed, but the one, aahh— and I don’t remember the name— Duck, what was it’s— the, the name of the one that’s still open—

Duck: The Chute and Scoot?

Ned: Chute and Scoot?

Aubrey: Wet Willy’s?

Duck: No, no, no, that’s closed—

Ned: Slurp and Squirt?

Duck: Wet Willy’s closed, the Slurp and Squirt—

Griffin: [pained] The Slurp and Squirt? This is Griffin.

[Justin laughing]

Ned: The Slurp and Squirt was—

Duck: The Slurp and Squirt, they actually boarded that up for some health code violations—

Aubrey: Yeah, I think they blew it up, if I remember, [Griffin laughing] they set charges around it and exploded it.

Ned: And it was a good— and a good choice. A good choice, yeah. [Duck: Yeah.] But I know there’s one that’s still open—

Aubrey: Slides ‘N Stuff?

Ned: Slides and Stuff, there was an ampersand in there somewhere…

Aubrey: No, no, sorry, I didn’t want to confuse you. Not Slides and Stuff, that’s a different park. Slides ‘N Stuff is the one on the west side.

Barclay: [crosstalk] It’s really weird how they—

Ned: [crosstalk] Oh, on the west side. All right.

Duck: What about Kevin Costner Presents: Water World, the Wet Park? I re— that one, is that still open? Is Kevin Costner Presents: Water World, the Wet Park still open?

Aubrey: There’s also WTR [pronounced “Water”], that’s just spelled W-T-R, the really, like, bougie one?

Duck: That was the bougie one, yeah.

Barclay: What are we talking about here, gang?

Duck: I’m trying to remember, we had so many water parks in Kepler—

Ned: Well I’m saying, if we lure one— and we don’t have to do much luring, because they’re— it’s after our ass, [Aubrey: Yeah.] get it there, shut off the water, it can’t get away, and maybe grab a corn dog while we’re there!

Duck: You mean H2-Woah, That Was Fun!

Clint: [clapping] That was it! H2-Woah! That’s the name of it!

Travis: That’s the one.

Aubrey: That’s— oh, that’s the one with the water slide, the downward spiral.

Ned: Yeah!

Duck: Yeah, H2-Woah, That Was Fun! is still open, and it’s mainly targeted at kids, but they do have some slides and stuff there, maybe?

Ned: It’s not very large, [Duck: No.] I mean, it’s got a couple of things, it might be— might be manageable, might be workable.

Griffin: Barclay says,

Barclay: Ok, hold on, let me see if I can even get Google to work on this thing.

Griffin: And he types into the computer and says—

Justin: He has to type http, colon, forward slash, forward slash.

Griffin: He says,

Barclay: Ok, it looks like H2-Woah closes tonight—

Duck: H2-Woah, That Was Fun!

Barclay: H2-Woah, That Was Fun!, the water park, yeah, that’s the full name of it. Are y’all sure about this?

Aubrey: No, but—

Duck: Here’s what I’m thinking. Lots of opportunities for quick egress. ‘Cause you get on some of those slides and you’re just gone, the thing will never catch you. So we got some opportunities there. It’s also isolated. H2-Woah is out there where they were trying to get that whole business park started, do you remember? What was it called—

Griffin: Jesus, is this whole episode going to be naming—

Duck: No, it was like Hyper Ridge, that’s what it was, shit. Hyper Ridge, they were trying to get going, they were going to have, like, a Taco Bell, and a Bob Evans and a bunch of stuff out there—

Ned: Ziplines, there were ziplines—

Duck: Yeah. That’s how a business park works—

Ned: [crosstalk] Skating rinks—

Duck: [crosstalk] Good improvis— yeah. And the only thing they got moving there was H2-Woah, That Was Fun! So I think we’re going to be isolated out there, which is great. I don’t know— here’s my question. Is there maybe a way to shut off access, once it’s in the park itself, that we could shut down the lines to the public? I mean, do any of you guys have connections in Public Works, or anything? Or— I guess—

Aubrey: I mean, you would be the one I would look to—

Duck: I just remembered my many connections in Public Works.

[Clint and Griffin laughing]

Aubrey: Yeah.

Duck: I didn’t know if you guys had any closer ones—

Ned: Was that many connections, or mini connections?

Duck: No, I me— several, several different— I had one guy down there, what was his name? [laughing] Used to always help me out with the—

Aubrey: Wet Willy?

Duck: Wet Willy, or Mr. Slooper— Mr. Slooper, that was the one. He was my third grade teacher. Mr. Slooper, in— and now he works for the Water Department and Sanitation. So I could maybe ask him if there’s some way to shut down access.

Ned: You know, I believe he’s the super. I believe he’s the super down there.

Duck: Mr. Slooper the Super. That is him, yeah, he’s the one.

Aubrey: But don’t let him ask too many questions, ‘cause he’s a real snooper.

Ned: Yeah.

Duck: Yeah. Mr. Slooper, the Snooper Sloo— [laughs]

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: This show has gone wildly off the rails.

Aubrey: And you know his favourite movie, Looper!

Barclay: Yeah, sure.

Duck: His favourite movie is Without a Paddle.

Aubrey: Without a Paddle is his favourite movie.

Duck: Without a Paddle is his favourite movie.

Barclay: All right. It seems like we’ve got a plan coming together. Let me suggest—

Aubrey: [high pitched] Do we?

Ned: Does it really?

Duck: Does it? Does it? Huh.

Aubrey: [crosstalk] Barclay is so forgiving.

Duck: You’ve got a real optimistic streak there, Barclay, [crosstalk] I like that about you.

Ned: [crosstalk] Pull it together, Barclay! Pull it together!

Griffin: He says,

Barclay: I think the park looks good. I think we can maybe find a way to shut it down. Duck, why don’t you go talk to your connection down at Public Works, like, now, and see what you can find out about shutting off water to the park—

Aubrey: Maybe butter him up with a blu-ray copy of Without a Paddle.

Barclay: Yeah, whatever it takes. We need somebody to actually go to the park, maybe scout it out, get an idea of where the best place to actually fight this thing inside the park is going to be. One problem I see us running into, though, is, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go around this water park before it’s time for the trap to be sprung. This thing’s following us, it’s smart. And so if we go there, and it sees us getting ready to fight it, then it’s not going to show up tonight. So we need a third person to go somewhere else and distract it while we’re doing the other two things.

Aubrey: You know, we could sweeten the pot even more and see if Calvin’s free, and maybe Ned and Calvin can go around town and stay on the move, and— I mean, I hate to make you moving bait twice in a row here, Ned, but you are the one with the car.

Ned: [strained] Dammit. I knew buying that car was a mistake. All right, yeah, that sounds like a fine plan.

Griffin: Barclay says,

Barclay: Do you think it’s such a good idea to put that kid in danger again? [crosstalk] He’s already been through a lot—

Aubrey: He’s in danger already, Barclay. Wherever he is, he’s in danger.

Duck: At least this way he’ll be with us, some battle-tested monster hunters. [snorts] Sorry, I tried to say that without laughing, I couldn’t quite get through it. It’s better than nothing, right? We’ve got magic weapons and shit.

Barclay: Yeah, I guess it’s better to keep him close, just— he might start asking questions. Ned, are you going to be able to sort of, I guess, lie, when he sees this thing?

Ned: I actually have an idea.

Aubrey: Don’t kill him.

Ned: All right, then I have another idea. I have a different idea. Yes, I think I have an idea that will work, that’ll convince Calvin to come along on this joy ride with me. Trust me.

Griffin: Barclay shuts the laptop and he says,

Barclay: All right. Aubrey, I’ll go with you to scout out the park. Ned, you’re going to pick up Calvin, and good luck sort of talking his parents into that one, and go somewhere with, I guess, lots of water, and get this thing’s attention. And Duck, you go talk to your contacts down in Public Works. How does— I think we— hey, it’s a plan! We did it without Mama! We can do this, we got this! We got this?

Ned: [uncertainty] We got this!

Aubrey: [uncertainty] Sure?

Duck: I guess.

Aubrey: But, ok, we’ve got that, we know where we’re going to lead it— how in the hell are we going to kill this thing?

Barclay: Well, Aubrey, we’re gonna figure that out when we get to the park and scout it out.

Ned: Yeah, Aubrey, we’re like Whose Line Is It Anyway. We’re the king and queen and another king of improv.

{Amnesty Theme begins to play}

Griffin: I think we’ve definitively proven that’s not true in this episode.


{Amnesty Theme fades out}

Griffin: Ned, you pull up in front of the house of Calvin Owens. Uh, he left his contact information with you all when he came to visit Amnesty Lodge to report the attack at the pool a couple of nights ago. You arrive at his house, it's a nice looking place— it's one of the nicer looking houses down on Riverside. It's not quite as fancy as the austentatious ski chalets up on cliff side, but it's a nice little two story house painted blue. And you pull up in your— what's your car again?

Clint: It's a 1958 Lincoln Continental.

Griffin: Lincoln Continental, yes.

Clint: The Mark III. The— the ragtop.

Griffin: I assume you've gotten the headlight repaired from where you smashed it into the gate in the previous adventure at this point. I don't know if it would be street legal, otherwise.

Clint: Ned has to take care of his baby. So…

Griffin: Yeah, sure. You arrive in front of the house and, uh, what's your approach here?

Clint: Is it near the river?

Griffin: Uh, it is— I don't know, it's about a couple blocks away. You got riverview, but you don't got, like, an attached. There's no pier [Clint: Okay.] or anything.

Clint: Alright, what's my approach gonna be?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Dishonesty.

Travis: Well, yeah.

Clint: Yeah, the—

Travis: Yeah, Ned. I'm not surprised by that at all. You did say you had a plan, right? [crosstalk] Do you still have that plan?

Clint: I do have a plan. My plan is— I have one phase of the plan to convince his parents and one phase of the plan to convince Calvin to participate.

Griffin: Okay. Then you’re walkin’ up and just knocking?

Clint: That's it.

Griffin: Okay, you knock and a few seconds pass and the front door opens and Sheriff Zeke Owens opens the door. [Clint nervously chuckles] And he says:

Sheriff Owens: Now, what are you doin’ at my house, Ned?

Ned: Hello Sheriff, good to see you! Yes, uh, well, I have a very promising opportunity for your family and your son, Calvin, that I'd like to discuss with you.

Sheriff Owens: You have an opportunity— don't tell me it has something to do with that museum of supernatural [Ned: No.] bullcrap that you’re peddling down—

Ned: That's only one side of Ned Butterfly Chicane, my friend.

Sheriff Owens: I heard you ran into some spot of financial trouble down there at that little tourist trap. [sarcastic] I was real sorry to hear about that, Ned. Would hate for your shop to get crushed under the weight of the free market.

Ned: Well, sure, if it is the shop that has brought quite a nice population back into town. The tourism is back up, a lot of the people coming to see the Cryptonomica, and that's good for business. People coming into the Cryptonomica, staying in the Motel 6, eating at the Taco Bell.

Sheriff Owens: [sarcastic] I mean, we gotta take care of the Taco Bell. I wouldn't exactly call the clientele you bring in the savoriest characters. [Ned: Oh, no.] What do you want, Ned?

Ned: May I come in, Zeke? May I call you Zeke?

Sheriff Owens: I don't think we're there, Sheriff Owens [crosstalk] is fine.

Ned: Sheriff Owens! That's what I meant, Sheriff Owens.

Sheriff Owens: Ned, this isn't a “come inside my house” situation, this is a “tell me what you want so I can shut the door on you if I don't like it” situation. So, go ahead, let ‘er rip.

Ned: Sheriff, I am more than just the operator of a fabulously wonderful curio shop. I don't know if you know this or not, but I am an alumni of the Ohio State University and I have a lot of connections still at the University. Perhaps you did not know this, but Ohio State is one of the top swimming programs in collegiate sports and I have pulled a few strings and I have a couple of friends there at the University who might be interested in offering young Calvin a scholarship to become a Buckeye!

Sheriff Owens: I mean, Calvin’s gonna be a Mountaineer like his daddy and his granddaddy before him.

Ned: [nervous chuckle] I love the blue and the gold [the team’s colors]! But in this case, we may be talking about a full ride from a University— a swimming program that graduates over a 3.15 average. They have finished in the top twenty-five for the last twenty-two years. Uh—

Travis: This episode sponsored by [chuckles] Ohio University.

[Justin chuckles]

Griffin: Alright, so, go ahead and roll Manipulate Someone. M’kay.

Clint: So it’s seven plus one for charm. That's eight.

Griffin: That is an eight. They'll do it, but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it. If you ask too much, they'll tell you what, if anything, it would take for them to do it.

Clint: Okay.

Sheriff Owens: Uh, do you have any kind of documentation to back this up, Ned? Do you have some sorta proof of your excellent attendance at—

Ned: Well, as a matter of fact, I do have a picture on my phone of myself and Ohio State swim coach, Bill Watley. [going through his phone] Here you gooo and… there! Now, I'm a little thinner then [chuckle] but here. You can see this picture of me and Bill— Big Bill. I call him Big Bill. And, uh, there you can see us there standing there next to each other. That's Bill Watley, the coach of Ohio State. You notice how he has a camaraderielly arm around my shoulders?

Griffin: Yeah, that was a heck of a word. Two things— one, is this a phone that Ned just kind of keeps on him for music and pics, because there’s definitely no service out here; second question, is this just a picture of you and some random dude?

Clint: Yeah. Oh, yeah! [laughing] Yeah. I don’t know Bill Watley, are you out of your mind?

Griffin: Sure. He says,

Sheriff Owens: All right. I mean—

Ned: Just hear me out! Here’s all I want to do, this is all I want to do— if Calvin would be interested, I would like to shoot a video of Calvin, just like a promotional video to send to Watley and the folks at Ohio State. And I have this really amazing idea, I just want to borrow Calvin for a short period of time, a couple of hours, to shoot a promotional video. I have this idea that I think, if we can do that, like an interview, get to know Calvin, and— and I have a really, I think, a clever way to get into it, of him— I happen to have, in my possession, an item that I think Calvin could display and I think it would really get their attention. Are you familiar with the name Michael Phelps, at all? You know Michael Phelps?

Sheriff Owens: Yeah, of course, everybody knows Michael Phelps.

Ned: I have his first gold medal, from Athens—

Sheriff Owens: Why do you have that? Ned Chicane, what?

Ned: It was loaned to me, to put on display at the Cryptonomica! It was the one he won for the 400 metre medley, uh, in two-thousand—

Sheriff Owens: Yeah, sure.

Ned: And I just thought Calvin would get a kick out of wearing that gold medal, and doing an interview, and— it just would, it would just go worlds towards getting him a scholarship to be an Ohio State Buckeye. [sings] Drive, drive on down the field! Or pool! Or whatever would be!

Justin: I need to— this scene is going great. I need to take a moment just to talk amongst all of ourselves and the listeners, as a family. If Calvin Owens’ dad agrees to send his precious boy [Travis: Mmhmm] with this elderly man [Travis: Uh huh.] with a huge car—

Clint: [crosstalk] Not elderly!

Travis: [crosstalk] Uh huh.

Justin: —who says he’s gonna film a promotional swimming video of him, Calvin Owens’ dad will be taken to parent court and tried [crosstalk] for the highest crimes {{32:00, indecipherable}}

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, I got a solution, I got a fix for this. Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You see him stand there and kind of think for a minute, like he’s actually trying to think of what the best thing for his kid would be. But he sighs, and he says,

Sheriff Owens: No, Ned, I don’t think that’s gonna happen. He’s grounded anyway, he skipped out on swimming practice this morning. Ned, he— get this, he said he was scared of the water all of a sudden? He said he was afraid there was monsters in the water. Now, hmm. Why would a kid living in Kepler believe such a thing existed, Ned? Maybe because there’s a proprietor of a certain museum going around town peddling those kinds of stories?

Ned: don’t think he really believes in all that hooey, do you, Zeke?

Sheriff Owens: He believes it enough to skip out of practice, something he’s never done before. I’ll tell you what, Ned, it’s gonna be a pass for me, so why don’t you leave now, and stay away from my son, how does that sound?

Griffin: And he slams the door in your face. And as you sort of take a step back from the force of the door slamming, there is a tree to the side of the yard, and you hear some rustling in that tree, and you see Calvin Owens scurry off the roof of the house, out of his bedroom window, and down the tree, and he kind of crouch-runs over to your car, where he kind of hides behind it.

Clint: Ok. Ned walks over to him.

Griffin: You both get into the car. He’s kind of trying to duck down, and he’s like,

Calvin: All right, man, go, go, go, go.

Clint: So we go, man, go! We pull out and I turn to him, and I say,

Ned: Calvin, I only have so much bullshit that I can fling in a certain time period. Would you like to help my friends and I get rid of that thing that scared the living crap out of you?

Calvin: Yeah, man, that would be great. I don’t know if you can smell it on me, I haven’t had a shower in a couple days, and ain’t had no water to drink, I’ve been living on milk and Coke, so I guess my bones are getting something out of this situation. I’m happy to help out, but technically you’re kidnapping right now, so let’s be quick.

Ned: Gotcha. Do you have your driver’s license?

Calvin: No.

Ned: Permit? You’re a high school student, every kid wants to drive.

Calvin: I’m working on it. The test is hard, get off my case.

Ned: All right, look. We’re about three blocks away from your house. I hope you did the old pillows-under-the-sheets routine.

Calvin: Yeah, I Bueller-ed it up in there.

Ned: Listen, the Mark III practically drives itself.

Travis: [sarcastic] You know how easy to drive those 1950s cars made out of steel are.

Ned: Practically— it’s like the Jetson’s car. It’ll drive itself.

Travis: It’s so intuitive! This 8-ton vehicle.

Ned: Let’s get behind— you get behind the wheel, I’ll pop the top, and we’ll get a’ distractin’, how do you feel about that plan?

Calvin: I feel...kind of just okay about it.

Ned: I will take that.


Griffin: Aubrey—

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: You are driving in Mama’s old pickup truck with Barclay at the wheel, as you head out to H2-Whoa. You all have left town—

Travis: I’m sorry, H2-Whoa, That Was Fun.

Griffin: H2-Whoa, That Was Fun. You’re on this pine tree-lined road out of the East side of town, winding around Mount Kepler, heading towards the park. You’ve been living at Amnesty Lodge for a couple months now, what’s your relationship like with Barclay, would you say?

Travis: I would say we get along very well! I— not quite to, like, BFFs or anything, but, you know, like a co-worker that you have a lot of fun with, and often would grab a drink after work? That’s it. So if I’m gonna define it, after-work, grab-a-drink friends, not necessarily “call up on your free day to see what they’re doing” friends.

Griffin: Sure. Got it. That makes a lot of sense. Then, I think you’re fairly comfortable in this ride with him. He— you’re getting close, and he kind of breaks the silence of the car, and he says,

Barclay: So...Agent Stern. Have you had much of a chance to talk with our new federal friend?

Aubrey: No, honestly, I’ve been a little bit distracted, Barclay. Lot going on, not just the monster thing, but I’m trying to figure a lot of shit out, and if I’m being honest, and I think maybe you’ll agree with this— I was kinda hoping Mama would just come back and take care of it.

Barclay: Yeah, uh. I think that we can’t count on that anymore. Just— listen, if he comes around asking you questions about Bigfoot, you know not to say anything, right?

Aubrey: Yeah.

Barclay: Yeah, maybe come to me and let me know what he asks you about? Obviously this is gonna complicate my life a little bit.

Aubrey: Barclay, if he comes talk to me, I’ll play up the “I’m a kid, I don’t know!” blah, blah, blah, blah, blah thing. I’ve done that act a thousand times, don’t worry about it.

Griffin: He says,

Barclay: I appreciate that. It may not surprise you to learn, I’ve left a little bit of a— no pun intended, a footprint during my travels, before I met up with Mama, so he probably has a decent amount to go on, unfortunately.

Aubrey: Hey Barclay, can I change the subject a little bit?

Barclay: [crosstalk] Yeah.

Aubrey: [crosstalk] By which I mean, a whole lot. What do you— and it’s fine if the answer is nothing— what do you know about, like, Sylvan magic?

Barclay: Uuhh...Aubrey, I’m real sorry, but I know next to nothing, that’s really not my area of expertise.

Aubrey: But, like, where does it come from? How about— can we start with, is it from the big ol’ crystal thing? Or is it, like, something people are born with? Like, where does it come— just that. Cause you talk about everybody— you have the spring, and you talk about everybody needing magic, right? Like, Sylvan energy. Where does that come from?

Barclay: Well, from what I understand, Aubrey, the— Sylvain is not just a place, it’s a— it’s a being. It’s not just the crystal coming out of the ground out there, it’s the planet itself. It’s the life force of the planet, I guess you could call it. So I guess the springs, you know, the water kind of comes up deep from the Earth, it’s got a little bit of that Earth-force in it, too. There’s— the Sylvans, they need to be sustained by the planet itself. And so whether that’s their planet or ours, it seems like it gets the job done. So you want to know where that magic comes from, it’s from, you know, the planet. Which, I don’t even know if you realise that, every time you go over there, you’re not heading to some, you know, through a magical portal into another dimension and another time, it’s— that’s another place, somewhere out in the sky somewhere.

Aubrey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Barclay: You’re actually, I guess y’all are astronauts, so, congratulations.

Aubrey: Okay. I’ll process that later. Barclay, if this is weird, if— hmm. [slowly] Is the magic alive?

Barclay: I mean, you’re alive, and you’re using the magic, so I gue— Aubrey, you’ve got to understand, I don’t know the first thing about magic. My whole thing is, you know, big and strong Bigfoot monster, so.

Aubrey: Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were in Sylvain, could you hear the mag— the crystal ta-lk?

Griffin: He doesn’t really say anything when you ask him that, he kind of like— is just kind of staring straight ahead, he doesn’t even seem to acknowledge you, and he says,

Barclay: Oh, look, looks like we’re here.

Griffin: And you pull up in front of H2-Woah.

Justin: That Was Fun.

Griffin: Uh, this park is actually a lot nicer than I think you may have assumed it was. Uh, a lot of the other water parks fell prey to the natural forces of decay a lot worse than H2-Woah does. It's actually a fairly nice looking place. This entrance into the park leads through what looks like a big beached pirate ship which stands in front of a six-foot tall blue chain link fence that surrounds the perimeter of the park, keeping the surrounding pines at bay. Through that fence, you can tell that the park is mostly deserted as you would expect from a water park on a weekday in October. Hanging in front of the ship at the entrance is a large red sign announcing that their last weekend in operation is coming up before park closes down for the Winter. It's been a unseasonably warm Fall and the park’s been open much later than normal, but it seems like they're done pushing their luck. You can see a man in a ticket taking booth just inside this ship reading a magazine and you also, through that chain link fence, you notice a handful of other employees wearing blue shirts walking around the park just kind of halfheartedly cleaning up, getting the park ready for its final weekend. And Barclay, still sitting in the truck with you, says:

Barclay: Okay, so, what's our approach here?

Aubrey: I— Why don't we just go in?

Barclay: Right through the front door, straightforward?

Aubrey: Oh shit, I've got it Barclay! Here's what we do—

Barclay: Federal pool inspectors.

Aubrey: N-no…

Barclay: Oh sorry, it was stupid.

Aubrey: [comforting] No, it— hey, hey, no idea is bad. It just wasn't good. So, we’ll pay our way in, then, once we're in, find— see if we can find, like, a supply thing. Get some of them shirts and then lay low until after they close and just stay. So park, like, y'know, not in the parking lot so it's not obvious that someone's still here and then we'll just, like, hide in the closet and do some, like, Basil E. Frankweiler stuff [Clint laughs] or whatever it was, and just stay in there.

Barclay: Alright, hold on.

Griffin: And he pulls the truck back out onto the access road leading up to the park and just kinda parks it in the grass off the road. And he gets out and the two of you walk up to the entrance to the park and up to the ticket taking booth inside that ship at the entrance. And, from here, you can get a much better look at the park.

[tinny pirate music starts playing]

Griffin: You also hear this really tinny sounding pirate music playing over the loudspeakers positioned throughout the area. And inside that booth there is a man, you'd estimate about twenty five, a bit older than rest of, basically, the teens who are working in the park that you can see through the fence just cleaning up. He's got sort of a ratty mustache goin’ and he seems to take just a lot of pride in his water park work here. And he says— he's wearing a name tag also that says “Todd” on it. And Todd says:

Todd: ‘Ey, uh, we’re closed. What’ll y'all want, we ain't gonna open until our final weekend here coming up.

Aubrey: [to herself] Well, shit. Uh, Hello, Todd was it?

Todd: Yeah, its Todd Hinderflins.

[Justin and Clint chuckle]

Justin: No it's not.

[Clint chuckles]

Todd: It's Todd Flinderhins. What do you— yeah, what I can I do you for?

Aubrey: We are federal pool inspectors—


Aubrey: —and my partner and I, Agent Barclay, have heard some rumblings that this whole pool might just be rife with staph infection.

Todd: There ain't any staph infection here, we wouldn't let this place [crosstalk] get filled up with—

Aubrey: Excuse me, Todd, am I supposed to just take your word for it? You think that's what they taught me at federal pool inspector school?

[Clint loses it]

Todd: I mean, we don't wanna get on the wrong side of the FPI, [Clint is still cracking up] but do you have like a badge or something you can show me?

Aubrey: Todd, there's no time for that! [Clint: Hu huh] Do you wanna open up for your last weekend and have people with their skin falling off and getting eaten through, Todd? Listen, you seem like a smart guy. A guy who’s in charge, someone who answers to no one but himself. Todd, you seem like a person I should be talking to about this, am I right?

Todd: Uh, yeah, I mean, this here is my kingdom and we don't normally let strangers into the kingdom during off hours, so, uh—

Aubrey: Let me tell— you seem busy, Todd, so I'll make you a deal. Ten minutes. You let me in, we’re in, we’re out. And I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding but if I get a report to my higher ups that I came in, I don't want to get in trouble, you know what I mean, and you don't want to get in trouble. So, I'll come in, I'll check real quick, and then we're out.

Griffin: Why don't you roll Manipulate Someone.

Travis: Oop, that's a seven. A six plus one.

Griffin: Uh, you have one charm?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Okay, that is a— barely a mixed success. Uh, as was the case last time, they will do it but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it. If you ask too much, they'll tell you what, if anything, it would take for them to do it, and I think that's gonna be the case here. He says:

Todd: Um, alright, I can make that work, ten minutes. I think, like, twenty bucks oughta do it.

Aubrey: As long as nobody needs to hear about this, Todd, that's sounds like a deal to me. Barclay— Agent Barclay, pay the man.

Griffin: He takes you to the side and he says:

Barclay: I don't know if I have twenty dolla— I got— hold on.

Griffin: He pulls out his wallet. Um, it's a— like a Velcro— old beaten up Velcro wallet, and he's like:

Barclay: I got eleven, do you have any cash on you?

Aubrey: Um, let me see… yeah, I happen to have nine bucks, right here.

Barclay: Well, that's conv—

Travis: And Griffin can't prove otherwise.


Griffin: You hand Todd the twenty dollars and he says:

Todd: Alright, I expect y'all to be back out here in ten minutes. Don't make me come looking for you.

Aubrey: You got it. We just need to go to your pump room.

Todd: I mean, y'all are federal pool inspectors, I assume you can find the pump room.

Aubrey: Yeah, don— thank you Todd, we'll be in and out your— uh, listen citizen, we’ll put in a good word for you at FPI. If you're ever looking for a job, you know where to find us. Or maybe you don't, we're a very secretive organization. Don't worry about it, we'll find you.

Griffin: Uh, let's jump to Duck. Duck, you arrive at the Kepler Public Works, a municipal building just adjacent to city hall. Kepler is a fairly small town, so a lot of the departments that you would expect to see in, sort of, a bigger city's public works are handled remotely by different contractors and local engineers around here. There's really three main offices inside the public works of Kepler. As you enter, there's Transportation, Sanitation, and Water. And you make your way into the latter, and there, in the center of the room, you see a reception desk sort of cutting off the public side room from the offices and stuff behind. And, slumped over that desk, you see Gary Sluper, your old third grade teacher now the, uh— I don't know, employee of the Kepler Public Works Water Department. He is slumped down over the reception desk. He appears to be unconscious.

Duck: Psssh, Mr… ‘ey Mr. Sluper?

Mr. Sluper: [groan] Eh?

Griffin: He, uh, he kinda looks like he's, like, talking to you in his sleep.

Duck: Mr. Sluper.

Griffin: He rouses and has a significant sort of drool tether connecting him to the desk, which he kinda swats away at with his hand. And he looks up you with bleary eyes and he says:

Mr. Sluper: Well that's, uh, that's Duck Newton. Am I dead?

Duck: Uh, no sir, you're just at work.

[Clint laughs]

Mr Sluper: That's worse in some ways.

Duck: Heh, I love that kinda humor. That office humor, I love that.

Travis: You don't have to be crazy to work here, y’know what I mean, [crosstalk] but it helps.

Duck: But it helps, yeah, [crosstalk] and all that stuff.

Mr. Sluper: Same— same— same— [Duck: Same shit, different day. I love it.] Same circus, different clowns.

Griffin: He wipes his mouth and he says:

Mr. Sluper: So you been working on your multiplication tables there, Duck? It's important stuff, y’know, I tried to warn ya.

Duck: Quiz me, man.

Mr. Sluper: A hundred times six.

Duck: Six hundred, right there!

[Clint laughs]

Mr. Sluper: Yeah, that wasn’t hard. So—

[Clint and Travis laugh]

Duck: And check this out, watch this: [clears throat] “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. [Mr. Sluper: Yep, you got it. Slow down.] Now we are engaged in a—”

Mr. Sluper: Ah Jesus, okay, yeah, that was real good, Duck. Very proud. Got a bit of a headache here, but what can I do you for?

Duck: Right, so, yes. I need a little favor from you. Uh, I need you to— at a certain point tonight, not right this second, but at a certain point tonight I'm gonna need you to shut off the water supply to H2-Woah, That Was Fun.

Mr. Sluper: The water park?

Duck: Yeah, that's the one. Now, it's gonna be after operating hours so we're not gonna have any issue but we have got— we're running some of the fire fighting drills and you remember last time we just couldn't get the pressure that we needed to really simulate the environment of fighting a real fire. The hoses didn't feel real, none of it felt real, and I wanna give the folks a real sense of what it's like to battle a fire with full pressure. So I'm hoping if we could shut down that— I can't think of anything that's more draining on the system than H2-Woah, That Was Fun. And maybe if we can shut that down then we give, like, that real, y’know, like, “you are there” kinda sense.

Mr. Sluper: That's a doozy there, Duck. I'm guessing you got all the permits you need, Duck. Duck, why do they call you Duck, anyhow?

Duck: It's my nickname. So, do you think you'll be able to help or no, or what?

Mr. Sluper: I tell you what, here's what I'm gonna do for you.

Duck: Yeah.

Mr. Sluper: I'm gonna go to my office over there and I'm gonna go to sleep, but, before I do that, I'm gonna get my best mind on this… whatever it was you just said, alright?

Griffin: And he pushes back from the reception desk and walks over to a door to his office, which he opens up and, right before he closes the door behind him, he yells:

Mr. Sluper: Hey, Pidge! Get on out here. Got an old student of mine that needs assistance.

Griffin: And he shuts the door to his office, and you can see through the frosted glass and he finds a new desk to take a nap on. And from a hallway that turns off behind the reception counter, you see Pigeon Wilson.

Justin: [crosstalk] He—heeeeyyyy!

Travis: [crosstalk] Awwwww…

Griffin: She is wearing a orange vest and her face lights up with delight as she sees you, and she yells:

Pigeon: Ranger Duck! Ranger Duck, it's me Pigeon! From a couple months back with the big bear?

Duck: Pigeon, how the heck are ya?

Pigeon: I'm doing great, man. Just, y’know, same circus, different clowns here down at the public works, so, uh—

[Travis laughs]

Duck: Keeping your nose clean?

Pigeon: Oh man, Ranger Duck, it's real good to see ya. I ain't never got the chance to thank you saving my buddy, Pete’s, bacon.

Duck: Sure, yeah. I'm— you do have a chance to thank me, though. I need a little bit of help with something. I’d love to catch up, but I’m in a little bit of a rush.

Pigeon: You got a nasty— nasty pothole you need filled or something?

Duck: Uh, no. I need you to shut off the water supply to H2-Whoa That Was Fun.

Griffin: She looks kind of surprised when you say that. She says:

Pigeon: Why do you need to take down a water park there, Ranger Duck?

Duck: Why did you need to hide out in the forest and start a bunch of fires there, Pidge?

Griffin: She smiles kind of devilishly as you say that and she walks to the reception desk and opens up a book that’s there, and then she thinks for a second and closes that book and she says:

Pigeon: You like coffee, Ranger Duck?

Duck: Yeah, uh— yeah, I do. I take it black, I bet.

Pigeon: Why don’t we head over to the break room? I got something important I need to talk to you about.

{Amnesty theme plays}

[Money Zone and Jumbotrons, end {59:45}]

{Amnesty theme plays}

Griffin: Let’s jump back to Ned. Ned, what’s your plan here? So we can set up the scene.

Clint: Well, we’re to kind of find the water monster and kind of run it ragged— just kind of drive along, using ourselves as bait, and— uh— I was thinking Route 160/155—

Griffin: Alongside the river?

Clint: Yeah, it has all those scenic overlooks, you know, where people stop to take pictures. So I figure we drive to one, get its attention, try to give everybody else all the time they need.

Griffin: Alright, I like that a lot. So you are on this county road, that runs alongside the Greenbrier River. There’s nobody out right now, the road seems clear as you reach a certain mile marker— no, it wouldn’t be a mile marker, ‘cause you wouldn’t be too far from town, it’s gotta be within the perimeter, but you find a nice stretch of road here in that circle that runs alongside the river. And what do you do to summon the thing? You got Calvin driving the car?

Clint: Yeah, well we’re gonna pull over at the first scenic overlook, and—

Ned: Calvin, come up here, if you— no, put it in park— God, you really don’t know how to drive.

Calvin: Yeah, which one’s the stopping one?

Ned: That’s, uh— yeah, where it’s the “P”. Put it in “P”. Good—

Calvin: No, I meant the pedal. Which one makes the car not go anymore?

Ned: That’s the one that’s across, I think.

Griffin: So you are parked on this scenic overlook. It’s not, I don’t think, up on a cliff. It’s just sort of like, a little— kind of like a picnic area at a rest stop overlooking the river. And Calvin is in the car, back on the road, and he has the engine running as you sort of approach this overlook. What do you do?

Clint: Ned stands right there at the edge overlooking— there’s kind of like a railing, and you can look down at the river— and Ned in his most projecting voice, you know, you gotta bring it from the diaphragm, you gotta project so the back of the house can hear you:

Ned: Ah, yes, look at it, Calvin Owens, swim team captain! Look at this view! This is the land that born ya, lad. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, you, Calvin Owens, the swimming guy, you will look back on these fertile hills, these lush green valleys, and think: this is my home. This is the place that made me, Calvin Owens, the swimmer, from the pool a couple of days ago—

Griffin: Yeah, the water monster gets it.

Travis: I love that, in Ned’s mind, the water monster knows Calvin’s name.

Griffin: No, I think the water monster at the very least hears Ned’s voice. What you see is: there’s some movement sort of naturally on the river, just some ripples as it follows its usual course. Some ripples that have been left, reverberating for a long time, as some barges passed some time ago. But as you start shouting, the water for a moment just stands completely still, completely placid. It is a strange sight to behold. You’ve never seen the Greenbriar stand at silent attention like this.

[Waves On The River starts playing]

Griffin: And then, from down the river back upstream a bit, you see a small wave move, in almost a straight line that spans the entire river, down towards you and past you. And then another wave, larger. And it keeps going like that, larger and larger and larger until there are—

Clint: Does it look like horses?! Does it look like horses made out of water?!

Griffin: No, we’re not doing a Lord of the Rings. It looks like waves on the ocean. Large waves on the ocean that are now starting to reach up above ground level as the water starts to move in waves. And as the larger waves start forming, they start crashing up kind of at your feet, where you are standing at this overlook. What do you do?

Ned: Mission accomplished!

Clint: And he jumps back in the car and says:

Ned: Get the hell out of here. Go, go, go!

Calvin: Which one? The right one? The right pedal?

Ned: The— the one that makes it go! Take it out of “P”! Take it out of— see? Look! See “D”? Put it down in— yeah, good, in “D”. And push the one that goes up and down. Step on the one that goes up and down!

Griffin: He slams on it. As you are sort of teaching him how to drive a car, you notice the waves stop moving sort of directly downstream and almost start turning, as if their angle of approach is moving now diagonally, crashing onto the ground, still out on that scenic overlook, but onto the ground where you were just standing. And the car rears into drive, and you are now peeling down this road as the waves continue turning until now it seems like they are almost coming from the opposite bank and coming in your direction, getting larger and larger as they go.

Ned: Okay, Calvin. I’m going to need you to drive and stay away from the water, so that I don’t get killed by this monster. And here’s the last thing we want to happen: the last thing we want to happen is for anything to happen to me, okay? I am a key cog in this monster-hunting team, and if they don’t have me for inspiration and leadership and guidance, they will fall apart. So don’t get me killed, okay?

Griffin: As you're giving him this monologue, the waves are now moving directly in your direction from the opposite bank. They are splashing further and further up the side of the road that you are driving on and starting to almost reach the road itself. And Calvin says:

Calvin: I just still don't understand why you're not the one driv—

Griffin: And a wave comes up, threatening to splash down onto the car, and he veers into the opposite lane before correcting himself and getting back into the right lane of traffic. What do you do?

Clint: I've got the— uh, I'm gonna use the NERF Blaster. I'm gonna shoot the— I'm gonna take the NERF Blaster [crosstalk] and fire it—

Griffin: NARF! It’s NARF, c’mon!

Clint: [crosstalk] NARF! NARF, sorry.

Griffin: [sarcastic] There are lawyers who are listening to every episode we put out.

Clint: I have a Connecticut accent. [Justin snorts] I'm gonna shoot a dart into the water monster. And I realize it's not gonna do any harm, but I just wanna get its attention and, maybe, [Griffin: Sure.] maybe, maybe, maybe slow it down a little bit. Maybe that'll give it something to think about while we get the hell outta here.

Griffin: Um, let's roll to Kick Some Ass. I think this thing is definitely now in- creating large enough waves that it can reach you to also threaten you, so this would be Kick Some Ass roll.

Clint: That is a seven plus zero.

Griffin: Okay, on a seven plus, you and whatever you're fighting inflict harm on eachother. So, describe what you do with your NARF Blaster.

Clint: Well, the tops down on the Lincoln and so I throw my coat back and I've got the NARF Blaster on a, uh, on a thong? No…

Travis: Yes. Yeah, no, that's right.

Clint: It's strapped on! Yeah, I'm strapped, I'm fully NARF-strapped.

Justin: I wanna stick with thong. [giggles]

Clint: Thong, okay, It's on a thong. [Griffin: Okay.] I mean, that kind of follows the whole swimming thing, right?

Justin: There ya go. Just like Michael Phelps, always wears the thong.

Clint: Michael Phelps, wears that— yeah! And, so—

Griffin: With a NERF gun in it, for aerodynamic sakes.

[Justin chuckles]

Clint: So, just— I mean, is the water in front of us, beside us, behind us?

Griffin: It's rolling off the river to your right and its splashing towards you. It's to your right.

Clint: Okay, I'm just gonna, from the hip, shoot from the hip because it'd be kinda hard to miss a giant wave. Just fire off a dart right into the water to see what happens.

Travis: Uh, just a side note for everyone out there, don't Google “thong weapon”. [Clint laughs] You won't be happy with it.

Griffin: Okay, you've never fired this thing before so you whip it around from this strap and hip fire it up into the air, into the pipeline of this wave as it threatens to crash down on you. And you describe what comes out of this weapon.

Clint: Well, it's a— it kind of has this coruscating blue light that kind of surrounds it. It's vaguely NERF dart-shaped and it leaves a little contrail of after-image, like burns in your eyes when you look at something bright. It just fires straight off that way and shoots straight ahead.

Griffin: Coruscating, by the way, means “flashing or sparkling”. So, uh, that's for our friends at home and for me, ‘cuz I just had to Google it. [Clint: Sorry, I—] I think it's like a—

Clint: Increase your word power kinda thing.

Griffin: Sure, I think it's like a phantom NERF dart. Like a— it's in the shape of one with this sparkling trail that follows behind it, and I think it's considerably sized. I think it's a little bit larger than the average NARF dart that you would expect. It shoots up into the side of the pipeline and splits the wave as it hits it, really hitting it with a lot of power. You do two harm to the wave as it [Clint: Woaaahh!] splashes down on you. [crosstalk] Uh, and—

Clint: That Was Fun!

Griffin: splits. I think the way it deals damage is, as it splits, it doesn't crash down immediately in front of your car, but an enormous amount of water deluge splashes down right in front of the car. And, as it does, it kind of floods the road right in front of you and you start to fishtail, and Calvin, not really knowing what to do, kinda jerks the wheel back and forth. And you, because you're kind of in this position to blast this wave, you were not exactly strapped in very, very safely and you bash your head into the [Clint groans] top of the windshield, as the top was down, and take one harm.

Clint: Yikes!

Griffin: The next wave that comes up, it kinda splashes down a little bit further away than the road and then another further even still. And these waves start to recede as you can tell that the water monster has sensed some sort of threat from you and decided to make its escape, as its custom. Calvin pulls over to the side of the road and is kinda panting, is clearly kinda freaked because of what just happened. And he turns the car off and gets out and is kind of just like pacing at the side of the car.

Ned: I hit my head! Owwww! I really thought the thong would protect me more than that.

Calvin: Yeah, Ned, I'm sorry you hit your head but we also almost just died in a car accident because I don't know what the fuck it is I'm doing. Ned, I need you to get me home. Ned, I gotta get back, I can't do this anymore. It's just me and my brother and my dad at home, anything happens to me like what just almost happened— I can't. I just gotta wait this thing out and hope that y'all can stop it before the meet. Ray Hall High’s team’s been talking a bunch of trash on my Facebook and I gotta put them in their place. I gotta focus on that, kids stuff, y’know?

Ned: So, you're okay now with getting back in the water? I mean, look kid! You've faced this, you faced a giant crashing wave of doom and you're alive, right?! And you saw [chuckle] I pretty much kicked the shit out of it. You saw that, right? So you know we can handle this. So you get back in that water, young man, and you swimmm!

Calvin: I can’t, Ned. I just can't.

Griffin: And he throws you the keys and he starts walking down the road back into town. Jump back to Aubrey: Aubrey, you are now inside H2-Whoa That Was Fun, and you are— you have ten minutes to scout the area out. The way I kind of have this envisioned, there are a few points of interest I can tell you about, and you tell me what you sort of want to check out with your limited time here. There are a few main water slides toward the back of the park. There’s like a long drop one, a twisting tubes one, there’s one of those funnel ones that kind of drops you out into a funnel that you spin around and drop out the bottom. There is a wave pool towards the center of the park, a fairly large wave pool. There is a splash pad towards the front of the park where kids can come and play in this water that shoots up from the ground. There is a small pool with a swim-up bar. There is towards the back corner of the park a gated-off reservoir that you can see with some sort of machinery back there with it. There is a lazy river that surrounds the perimeter of most of the attractions. There is a gift shop and cafeteria. There is a shallow kiddie pool with some mushroom fountains in it. And there is a main office off to the side of the park near the center.

Aubrey: So it seems to me, Barclay, like we want to keep it away from kind of the splash pad, right? Because there’s too many— if we can’t see the water, and if it can come from any different location, we’re kind of putting ourselves at a bit of a disadvantage.

Barclay: Yeah, that’s a good call. I think you might want to figure out which spot in the park is going to be the most advantageous for us to take it on, and then it might be a good idea for us to figure out some other way to control it, some way that we can ensure that we’re going to be here in private, some way to access everything we need to access in the park whenever we want to do this thing.

Aubrey: Oh, shit. I have an idea, Barclay.

Barclay: Okay, let’s hear it.

Aubrey: At first I was going to say the kiddie pool, right? Because it’s nice and shallow. But if we can get it in the wave pool, and turn it on, that’s probably going to like, fuck with it, right?

Barclay: Might throw it off balance. That’s not a bad idea.

Aubrey: It’s gonna be all slippery and hard for it to control.

Barclay: Uh, yeah. You wanna check it out?

Aubrey: You go check it out. I’m gonna see if I can get into the main office. ‘Cause checking it out doesn’t do us any good if we can’t, like, turn everything on, you know?

Barclay: Yeah, okay. I’ll go check out that, you head to the main office, we’ll meet up in ten minutes back at the entrance?

Aubrey: Yeah, and keep an eye open for any like back gates or something we can leave unlocked, to get in later.

Barclay: Okay. I’ll do just that.

Griffin: So you head over to the main office. You walk by a few confused-looking teens working here as you go. Uh, and—

Aubrey: Oh, Todd said it was okay!

Griffin: Oh, they nod. And then one of them says:

Teen 1: He’s kind of a dick, in’t he?

Aubrey: How dare you.

Griffin: A young guy yells:

Teen 2: We hate Todd!

Justin: Whoa. A lot of deep-seated resentment towards Todd here.

Aubrey: We’re gonna have to unpack this later, but I’m on— yeah! Okay!

Teen 3: I like Todd.

Griffin: And the other one goes:

Teen 1: Shut the fuck up! Nobody likes Todd!

Justin: How many of them’s are there?

Griffin: There’s only the three that you just heard.

Justin: Okay, got it.

Griffin: And you approach the main office and find it unlocked and enter. The main office is really just one large, empty room. There is a timeclock and a desk with a bunch of paperwork on it to the side of the room as you enter. In the corner, there is a first aid station set up with various supplies to treat burns and bee stings and other water park injuries. On the back wall of the room there is a row of lockers, a dozen or so, including the locker of Todd, which you recognize in the center.

Justin: [grandly] The Locker of Todd!

Griffin: The Toddlocker!

Justin: Fabled Locker of Todd!

Travis: We found it!

Griffin: Now you can also tell, just being in here, there is no what appears to be, like- security camera setup. So you glean that there are no cameras for you to worry about to whenever you do your Hunt here tonight.

Travis: Excellent. Now is this a control room as well? Or is this just for them to come in and then drop off their stuff and then get to work?

Griffin: Yeah, this seems to be a— “drop stuff off and change into your outfits before you start working”. That’s not to say there isn’t stuff to investigate here, though.

Travis: I want to look in Todd’s locker.

Griffin: It’s locked! Todd’s locker is locked. It’s a locker. It’s locked. Like lockers do. You approach it, you try to open it, but the thing doesn’t work because of the lock.

Justin: It’s defined by its ability to lock.

Travis: Oh, no I— Listen, I'm getting it, I'm all over that. Let me see, is the lock in the locker or is it like a padlock that is—

Griffin: Yeah, it's in the locker, it's like one of the little plastic dials like you would have at a locker at school.

Travis: You know what, I'm so sorry Todd, I'm gonna melt the lock.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: There we go.

Griffin: Uh, roll to— I think this would just be Use Magic.

Travis: Yeah, so that's nine… eleven. Nine plus two.

Griffin: Uh, okay, no glitches. What does this look like? I assume you're using some sort of [crosstalk] heat or fire?

Travis: I'm gonna say, yeah, like, as finesse as possible, just, like, one finger to the lock and maybe, if I can help it, just be pulling on it and heat it just enough to pull it open, y'know what I mean?

Griffin: Sure, yeah, no, you stick your finger into the lock beneath the dial and, as you do so, your finger heats up and, slowly but surely, your finger starts to pierce through the lock until you have poked clean through the locker. And you hear a click and the locker door starts to swing open. Inside, you find some—

Travis: Gold! [does the Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare]

Griffin: Two hundred and fifty gold pieces and a magic sword. You find probably some, y’know, raunchy mags. You find—

Travis: Heh, Todd!

Griffin: You find a Pokémon card collection. You find a ring of keys. Uh, that—

Travis: I take that ring of keys, Griffin.

Griffin: Each key seems to be labeled for each of the different attractions around the park, and then you also find towards the back a notepad. And on that notepad is scribbled out the schedule for each of the employees here. You find the current day and on it you find the four employees who are currently at the park, and you find out that the last to punch out is Todd, who leaves at six, at which point the park will be vacated.

Travis: Okay, I'm going to— is this where I can Investigate a Mystery to ask you, the DM, something?

Griffin: Sure, yeah.

Travis: Okay… meh, that's not good.

Griffin: Whenever you fail a roll, I get to take a hard move.

Travis: Oh no.

Griffin: Yeah, so go ahead and mark experience.

Travis: Yes, but Griffin don't you see? I don't want to have failed. [crosstalk] Did you think about it that way?

Justin: [crosstalk] Mmm, interesting.

Griffin: An interesting concept. Uh, you mark exp. You also hear the door to the main office here open up, and you see Todd with one of his nudie magazines rolled up and he's got it kinda in his armpit as he walks in trying to hide it. And he walks into the room and sees you and the raunchy mag falls to the ground dramatically in slow-motion. And he says:

Todd: What the fuck are you doing!? What happened to my lock— what are you doing to my locker!?

Aubrey: Well, Todd, I have to be honest with you. I'm not really from the FPI. I'm working for Heironymus Horatio Aurelius, the owner of H2-Woah, That Was Fun, [Justin giggles] and he is expecting—

[Justin and Clint laugh]

Griffin: Because this is a hard move, I get to [Travis: Uh huh.] go kind of hard. I think he shakes his head and he says:

Todd: No, you get the fuck out of my park right now.

Griffin: And he walks over to the desk at the corner of the room and picks up a phone and dials 911.

Travis: Okay, is his back to me?

Griffin: [nervously] Uh, it is. I say, terrified.

Travis: I'm going to—

Griffin: Kill Todd with fire!?

Travis: No! No, just send a little fireball to melt the cord on the phone.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I'm just trying to sever the— I just don't want the cops showing up. That would be bad.

Griffin: Alright, cool.

Travis: So, I rolled an eight plus two, so it's a ten.

Griffin: Are you doing this discreetly, I'm assuming?

Travis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Griffin: Okay, I will say on—

Travis: And I'm trying to aim for the actual panel on the wall, right, so it melts, yeah.

Griffin: Then you just see the cable— I think just a small, very narrow red beam comes out and severes, very quickly, the cable in the blink of an eye and it falls to the ground. And Todd looks kind of confused and walks over to the phone.

Aubrey: You're right, you're right, I'm gonna go. Yep, I'm on my way right out the door.

Travis: And she leaves still carrying the keys.

Griffin: Okay. You meet up with Barclay back outside of the park, and he says:

Barclay: I got a look at the wave pool. There's a booth back behind it above the little alcove where they actually make the waves. It seems like there's some sort of control mechanism in there. I couldn't get inside but the door was locked but—

Aubrey: Good neeeeews!

Barclay: What's that?

Aubrey: I have the keys and it went super smoothly. No problems at all.

Barclay: Alright, well, I guess we’ll come back here tonight at some point. I wish I knew what time they were leaving.

Aubrey: After six!

Barclay: Well damn, this is one of the smoother plans we've ever come up with, it seems like.

Aubrey: Yeah, everything went great!

[Clint chuckles]

Griffin: And Duck, let's jump back to you. You are in the break room of the Public Works building with Pigeon and she's produced a nice- well, you know, as nice as a local government building cup of coffee is gonna be, for you and makes one for herself and sits you down at the table with her. There's nobody else in the room, you have some privacy to talk in here. She says:

Pigeon: So, uh, why is it you want to shut down the water down at H2-Woah, That Was Fun? I love that park, so I'm not eager to do anything damaging to its business.

Duck: It's just temporary, Pigeon, it's not gonna be a whole thing.

Pigeon: Yeah, I—

Duck: That's why the parks closed, so it's not gonna impact you or anything.

Pigeon: Well, I know how to do it, I just wanna know why.

Duck: Perfect. Perfect. Why? It's for firefighter training? Yeah, it's for firefighter training. [Clint chuckles] It's been a little while since I last told someone that, so I had some time to forget it. But it's for firefighting training, cuz we can't get enough water pressure to fight the fires, forest fires.

Pigeon: Out in Monongahela?

Duck: Yeeeeeeep.

Pigeon: Duck, that's on the opposite side of town. I can find other places that I can get you some more water pressure instead of pumping it out of the water park almost a mile away.

Duck: Yeah, but the water park is definitely gonna be closed. If you can tell me somewhere where you can guarantee that they're not gonna need that amount of water that's using that amount, I'd love to hear about it. Cus, off the top of my head, I can't improvise anything.

Pigeon: There's a reservoir right next to Monongahela.

Duck: The reservoir is a source of water but it's not gonna give other— fuck, listen Pigeon, here's the thing. I... love... to… [Clint wheezes in laughter] practice fishing. But... the running water... frightens me, it's called hydrophobia. And I would love to practice my cast in a real water environment where I can get in a large body where I can guarantee that running water won't be a factor. And I would just love to practice my cast in a guaranteed still body. But here's the other thing, sometimes if you do it in a lake, that's what you're thinking, a fish will bite it and normally that's ideal, but I'm just trying to practice casting. It's like, when you don't want to catch, that's when they're biting, y’know what I mean? So I need a still body of water that I can guarantee won't move to practice my fishing casting.

Griffin: I want you to roll Manipulate Someone. I'm tempted to—

Justin: With what, Griffin! With [Griffin: Yeah.] hot butter dice? Like, what would be a dumb enough [Griffin: Yeah, I think—] dice to roll?

Griffin: Well, there is mechanic. I'm gonna make you take a minus one forward on this one, because me, as the Keeper, have decided this is the wor— in the almost four years we've been doing “The Adventure Zone”, [Justin laughs] the worst lie I've ever, ever heard.

Travis: [Laughs] But not only worst, but worst, most elaborate lie.

Justin: I used to do a character who was very good at lying. I wanna do one that's very bad.

Griffin: Sure, yeah. Uh, that's—

Justin: Yeah— aaaaahh, damn it. [Laughs] I rolled a five. Maybe my worst roll in the longest—

Griffin: Plus charm, plus charm.

Justin: Plus charm minus one, so that's a five.

Griffin: Alright. [Justin: Full stop.] Mark experience.

Justin: It's an experience. I'm learning something.

Griffin: I get to take a hard move to complicate your life, and I have just the thing in mind. Pigeon says:

Pigeon: Y’know Duck, I've been thinking a lot about what happened that night, what I saw chasing me through the woods. Pete told me he got a real close look at it, he swears up and down that it weren't no bear and I am inclined to agree. Now Pete says he also seen you fight that thing off, gave him a chance to scurry away. Now, I'm also an avid reader of the local paper and I ain't seen nothing in there about a big beast terrorizing campers out in the woods. That's enough to make me assume that maybe it's not out there anymore. Maybe somebody took it down. So I'll make you a deal there, Ranger Duck. I'll shut down the supply to the water park, Duck, I gotta be on site for it to happen but I can do it, but you gotta satisfy my curiosity a bit.

[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]

Pigeon: Because I think you got more going on than just protecting some trees out in the woods, not that that's not noble work or anything, but I think you got something on the side. I think you are doing a bit of monster hunting. And, if that's the case, I gotta a follow-up question for you, I guess... Y’all hiring?
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