Ep. 28: Lunar Interlude 2 - Internal Affairs/Transcript

Episode 28 - Lunar Interlude II - Internal Affairs (part of TAZscripts on Tumblr)

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…


 * Magnus and Taako: Bureau of Imbalance?
 * Magnus and Taako: Bureau of Imbalance?
 * Magnus and Taako: Bureau of Imbalance?



Griffin: As he falls you see a figure standing behind him, but you can’t really make out its race definitively, because all you can see is a bright red robe.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

Griffin: I’m, we haven’t had this situation before where I’ve got, like, a bit of a sinus thing, going on, and so I guess like, interpreted in fiction, everybody at the Bureau of Balance is gonna be sick. Like everybody you talk to today is gonna have a little bit of a head cold or something.

Justin: Maybe they got a mold thing going on.

Travis: Oh that, oh, ya hate to see that. That’s gonna cost ya, that ain’t cheap.

Griffin: Yeah. Once you get that black mold, in these floating moon bases, what you gonna do, you gonna get a floating mold truck up here?

Travis: You just gotta move to a better moon base at that point.

Griffin: That sucks. Um, anyway, the three of you have just returned from your… successful? Mission. The Petals to the Metal story arc.

Travis: Y’know, I feel Griffin, that success is how you define it, we had a good time, we became better friends--

Griffin: That’s good. Did you...the latter thing?

Travis: M’well--

Griffin: OK. Uh anyway, you’re in one of your floating balls, and you’ve returned up one of the moon base’s chutes, and have just arrived in the hangar. And as the door to your ball opens and you emerge into the hangar of the Bureau of Balance’s moon base, you see a big crowd of Bureau employees there waiting, silently, and as you step foot into the hangar, they all just explode into uproarious applause. And they’re all cheering.

Justin: Yeah they do.

Travis: And is this the kind of thing that happens every time we come back from anywhere, like we’ve grown used to this or is this new?

Griffin: Yeah this is just the first time I told you about it… just assume that everywhere you go, whenever you walk in the room, people are just exploding with uproarious applause. No, this is the first time you’ve gotten this particular treatment. And uh, they all look kinda sick [coughs]. And they uh, Avi runs up to you with a bit of a runny nose, and he runs up to you and says:



Griffin: If we keep joking about that it’s gonna-- [Clint laughs]

Travis: It was streaming on Witch.

Griffin: What’s that… oh god, that’s good--

Travis: It’s like magical Twitch.

Justin: It’s like magic Twitch.

Griffin: That was very, very good.

Clint: Ohhhhh there you go.

Griffin: Dad, Twitch is a service that--

Clint: I know what it is.

Travis: Do you? Explain it.

Griffin: Are you up there all the time? Dad’s climbing that Hearthstone ladder today, on Twitch.

Clint: I do, I’m a Twitcher. I’m a big Twitcher.

Griffin: I don’t think that’s true at all.



[all laugh]

Clint: We’re having some fun now.

Griffin: Avi looks at you, and with a start, he says:



Griffin: He sneezes.



Travis: We go there.

Clint: Haha! We do that.

Travis: Do you need to play like, some walking music here? Bumb, bum bum bum bum bum, bumb bum bum bum…

Griffin: Nah, I don’t wanna over do it with the interstitial tunes-- {5:48}

Travis: I’ll take care of it.

Griffin: OK.

Travis: Bumb, bum bum bum bum bum--

Griffin: You make your way to the big, central dome on the far side of the big, grassy quad. And enter into the kind of throne room situation that the Director has set up here. And as she… as you walk in she doesn’t exactly greet you warmly. She says:



Griffin: She sighs. And sneezes a lil’ bit, has a bit of a sniffle. She says:



Griffin: And a familiar little gnome-man walks out, carrying a cart with a lead ball on it, with a glass window--

Clint: Crowd favourite Davenport, yeah.

Griffin: [light laugh] He pops the glass window on this heavy ball open and says:



Griffin: And points to the hole.

Justin: It was Merle.



Griffin: Sash is just a flowery way to say belt.

Clint: No.



Clint: I whip out the sash. And I walk over to the hole. I look at it, a little doubt in my mind, but I drop it in.

Justin: Man, I love this fucking, this like meticulous moment to moment-- [Griffin laughs] I love this. I’m way into it.

Clint: [crosstalk] The sash swirls down.

Travis: We never should’ve gotten dad those creative writing classes for Christmas.

[everyone: hard laughter]

Clint: Alright, I stroll over to the vociferous hole--

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: No, no.

Clint: No that’s actually a monster in Harry Potter.

Justin: Ok, the shit’s in the thing.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Ok, the shit’s in the thing. Davenport uh… winks. Why? And he shuts the glass window [Travis, Justin, Clint laughing] to this heavy ball and wheels the cart back through the door behind the uh, the throne that the Director is sitting on. And then shortly thereafter you see a guard wheel that cart into the large illuminated chamber, that uh, the Director pulls a string and the curtain parts and you can see into this large illuminated chamber.

The guard picks up this big heavy ball and places it on a pedestal in the middle of the chamber. He walks out of the chamber and the Director taps her staff, firmly on the ground. And suddenly, like you have seen what… 3 times already? Or is this the third?

Travis: This is the third.

Griffin: Like you’ve seen twice already, the ball is lifted into the air by these beams of light, as dozens of these beams of light just pierce through it, uh there’s a deafening roar, and then the lights shut off, the ball descends back to the pedestal. A guard comes in, picks it up, it’s a little hot, he’s doin’ a bit of hot potato with it, puts it back on the cart, wheels it back in the room, opens it up. And it is--

Travis: It’s full of sandwiches!

Griffin: --Full of sandwiches. You figured out the true nature of the Quizno’s chamber.

Travis: We solved the Quizno’s puzzle!

Griffin: That was just like, gonna be the resolution of arc seven, but you’ve… I dunno how you’ve pierced the veil.

Travis: You know that this, this whole, whenever this happens, this is hotly discussed in the reddit. In The Adventure Zone reddit.

Griffin: Oh yeah.

Travis: Whenever an article-- one of these days I’ll remember to like, draw something on the ball before it’s taken away, like a magic trick where you write your initials on the bullet.

Griffin: Yeah, sure. But you didn’t this time.

Travis: But I didn’t this time!

Justin: Is anyone else like… DYING for Quizno’s now?

[everyone in response: hard laughter]

Justin: I couldn’t even listen to the shit you guys were shitting. Cause I need, Squizza-- and here’s, lemme give you guys a real kicker. All the Quizno’s here closed.

Griffin: No! What?

Travis: It’s a Quizno’s ghost town. It’s Quiz-no-where to be seen.

Griffin: How did that… how did that happen? Was there some kind of union strike?

Justin: Just… if you can’t keep a sandwich store open in Huntington, man, I dunno what to tell ya’.

Travis: It’s not really a food town.

Justin: [gravelly] I’m dying for Quizno’s! Please move- Diffy, give my mind, a fantasy so rich, it can banish the toasty, crunchy, savory taste--

Clint: Gooey cheese… mmm!

Justin: Gooey cheese! [crosstalk] All the flavour of Quizno’s!

Travis: [crosstalk] This episode sponsored by Quizno’s. [Clint laughs]

Justin: I wish.

Travis: [crosstalk] The freshmaker.

Griffin: [crosstalk] We don’t exist anymore!

Clint: And we don’t deliver.

Griffin: Not to cities where we don’t operate, no. I doubt they would do that. [Justin laughs] You have just seen another grand relic destroyed.

Travis: Supposedly.

Griffin: Supposably. And uh, the Director looks at you, and she seems… she seems kinda bummed out, a little bit? Like--

Travis: I give her a hug.

Griffin: No, she doesn’t really let you get that close to her. She sorta holds up a hand.

Travis: I look at her:



Griffin: She says, um:



[someone snorts]



Clint: We don’t trust you!



Griffin: She takes you through another door, to the left behind her throne, the door to the cerebro chamber is to the right… and you follow her into her private room. And she says, it’s her private office and she says:



Travis: We do that.

Justin: I cast “detect magic”. Just to make sure that we’re like, cool.

Griffin: Alright.

Justin: If I sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of me, I can see a faint aura around any visible creature or object in the area that bears magic, so it can permenate - permeate stone, metal, lead or dirt.

Travis: And I cover my mouth a lil’ bit while I tell her, just to help out.

Griffin: Wait, so wait what are you doing, Magnus?

Travis: I’m covering my mouth a little bit when I tell her what happened.

Griffin: [pauses] Why?

Travis: In case anyone’s listening!

Justin: For cameras. [Griffin laughs]

Travis: Haven’t you watched football?

Griffin: Yeah like a coach calling a play, ok sure. So you’re casting detect magic, um… you don’t detect any persons in the room other than yourselves, and the Director. I mean, at this point when you cast detect magic, your guys’ shit just goes up like a Christmas tree. Cause you’ve collected, and received from the gachapon and the Fantasy Costco a number of magic items at this point, that are all lit up. Uh, the Director has some stuff on her, too… behind her desk, there’s actually a really big portrait of herself, and it has some sorta magical property about it. It has uh, sorta illusion magic appended to it. But that’s as specific as you can get with it.

Justin: I’m gonna do an arcana check, Griffin. On the painting. And… lemme see what I get [rolls]. It’s a 20! Woah! Natural 20.

Clint: Nice! A legit 20.

Griffin: Um, you have knowledge of magic, and uh, you do know that there is some illusory magic on this, and just sorta piecing together your knowledge of illusory paintings-- what it could be, it could be-- ethereal, it could be you can pass through it, it could be the actual image depicted on the painting is not what you’re actually seeing, um--

Justin: Ok, well while Travis-- err sorry, ummm, what’s his dumb fantasy thing…

Griffin: Magnus.

Justin: Yeah, Magnus, while Magnus-- I feel sometimes, I feel kidnapped by my brothers who’re forcing me to call them cool shit. [Travis laughs] His name’s Travis, folks.

Travis: [exaggerated Magnus voice] No! Call me Magn- I’m deep in character now!

Justin: How dare you. While Magnus is explaining that, I think I’ll go over just to sorta like… like, if I could do this in a way that won’t be hugely distracting, sorta sidle up there and poke around in that portrait, see if I get anything else out of it. I’m not gonna distract us, I’m not gonna take us down a weird rabbit hole, just kinda curious.

Griffin: A’right. Two things first of all, if you’re having a conversation with somebody I’m not gonna let you just do that?

Travis: [crosstalk] Well I’m having the conversation.

Griffin: [crosstalk] That’s not just a “we do that” moment, that’s an actual conversation. If you wanna do that, Taako, you’re gonna have to make yourself a stealth check.

Clint: Let me do something first, let me distract her with a little magic trick. [Griffin snorts]



Travis: That’s not… that’s a different Bane.

Justin: From Batman. The one who visited us-



Justin: He looked like Orko, from He-Man.



Griffin: She looks flabbergasted. She looks completely blown away.



[crosstalk]



[Griffin cracks up a bit]



[Clint laughing]



[Clint laughing]



[Justin & Griffin sigh]



Travis: I’m just trying to remember if there’s any other important things, that like, we forgot from the last story arc that people will be like: “why didn’t they tell ‘em about blah blah blah--”

Justin: Why didn’t they tell ‘em about this!



Justin: And then-- wait, let me try something. And then the three adventurers told her everything [Clint laughing] that would be relevant to what they had just done.



Clint: And it was good.



[Travis laughs]


 * Merle, Magnus, Taako: No, no--
 * Merle, Magnus, Taako: No, no--
 * Merle, Magnus, Taako: No, no--
 * Merle, Magnus, Taako: No, no--
 * Merle, Magnus, Taako: No, no--



Griffin: Uh [laughs] you fork over your three walkie-talkie-esque stones of far-speech and she withdraws a small wand from her robes and she points it at each one, and she twists her wand a little bit and hands them back to you. And she smiles, because the next thing you hear comes from your stones of far-speech, you hear a voice say:

Travis: [pinching nose] Uh, yeah, just drive up to the drive-thru window--

Griffin: Nope.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: You hear a voice say:



[Magnus, Taako, Merle all gasp.]



Griffin: And the door behind you opens and standing there, in the doorway, you see holding another stone of far-speech, Angus McDonald!



Clint: By popular demand!



Griffin: He is wearing a bracer of initiation, uh… and uh, he walks up to you guys and says:



Travis: I take his bracer away.

Griffin: [pauses] You pull on it, but it’s, like, firmly attached to him--

[Justin laughing]



[Travis laughs]



Griffin: The Director- the Director says, uh:



Griffin: And she tousles his hair a little bit, and he blushes.

Clint: Aww.



[Griffin laughs]



[Griffin tries to talk]



Griffin: The Director uh, reaches down to her desk and pulls out a roll of parchment, and jots some stuff down on it. And hands it to- hands it to you, Magnus and she says:



Travis: I look at the paper.



Travis: Ok, we take it down to Johann.

Griffin: Ok, yeah, you know the way.

Clint: So we can hurry and get some shit.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re getting close--

Travis: I give it to the voidfish-- have we ever spoken to the voidfish? Is it possible to speak with the voidfish?

Griffin: Uh.... you haven’t tried, um-- you make your way out down the long, long elevator, with its soothing music that you took a ride with with Johann that one time [Justin humming “The Girl from Ipanema” in the background], and you walk down the hallway that is lined with guards, and you pop open the door to the void fish’s chambers with your bracer. And um, inside you see… Johann. And he’s dressed in his silly bard gear, you see the void fish, and you see a human man that you have not seen before.



Griffin: [laughing] He’s uh- he doesn’t pay you any attention--



Griffin: [laughs] Human man is having a-- it sounds like a heated argument--

Travis: With the voidfish?

Griffin: --with Johann. With Johann actually.



Griffin: The uh, this guy is saying,



Travis: Are they talking about Taako?



Travis: I walk over there.



Griffin: Alright, you uh--


 * Guys: Oh yeah.
 * Guys: Oh yeah.
 * Guys: Oh yeah.



Griffin: Johann says:



[others laughing]

Travis: Eight-by-ten?



[Clint snorts]

Clint: Hu-min-min!



Griffin: You eye him over - he does not have a bracer.

Justin: Woah.

Travis: Hmm.

Griffin: He says:



[Three long, very deep synth notes interrupt him]

Griffin: He’s interrupted by the voidfish.

Travis: [quietly] Yeah!

Griffin: You hear the void fish almost like, scream or sing, but it blasts out this long, steady, note.

Travis: I wanna check in with Steven the fish, and see if this has affected him in any way.

Griffin: Ok. He’s been reduced to ash.

Travis: I was hoping he would like, I dunno, sign to me.



Griffin: [laughing] No, so--

Clint: [crosstalk] --makes him feel better.

Griffin: [laughing, crosstalk] You hear the voidfish blast out this long, extended note, and then following that, two more notes in succession. And it’s really loud, it points-- it puts an end to the argument that Johann and Lucas were having. And it almost knocks you back a little bit.

Travis: I look at Lucas and say:



Griffin: But you don’t know-

Travis: It’s a really cool line and everybody’s like “yeah, nice.” [Clint laughs]

Griffin: Johann does go:



Griffin: But Lucas says:



[three more notes are played from the void fish]

Griffin: It belts out another three note refrain. And uh, Lucas says:



Griffin: And he turns with a huff and walks out of the room.

Travis: I put my hand on the glass. In like a “hey man, it’s gonna be ok” kinda gesture.

Griffin: It actually puts a tentacle up, and puts it on your hand. [Travis gasps in awe] And Johann goes-



Griffin: Johann goes, uh:



Griffin: And the void fish [void fish repeats the notes] plays its three notes again, and Johann goes:



[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He pulls out a small harp, and he plays those three notes back to the void fish. [Griffin plays 3 synthesized harp notes] And the void fish answers back with four new notes.

[four new droning synth notes]

Travis: And is it lovely?

Griffin: It’s kind of lovely. The notes are kind of lovely. Johann plucks them out on his harp [four synth harp notes, repeating] again. And he seems just sort of… taken, like, in this moment he seems like he’s just kind of enraptured in this moment and he keeps playing those notes over and over again, and pretty soon him and the void fish are almost like-- doing a little--

Clint: Jammin’?

Griffin: Yeah they’re jammin’. They’re doin’ a little song together using the notes that the void fish belted out.

[The void fish and Johann’s harp play together]



Griffin: [laughs] You yell that as they’re noodling, but they seem like they’re both sorta hypnotized by each other, with this-- with this song. Eventually the void fish kinda goes dark and stops its singing and just screams.



Griffin: And it’s very scary, yeah. And it sort of breaks this spell that was sort of coming up between the two of them and it just repeats its notes again. Um-- and-

[Music abruptly stops]



[Travis laughs]



Griffin: He uh, he takes the scroll from you and loads it into the little chamber and pulls a lever, and you see it float up into the tank, and the void fish consumes it. And uh--

Travis: [gobbling noises, like cookie monster]

[Clint laughs]

Travis: [belch noise]



[Justin snorts]

Clint: Who we talking about again?

Justin: Bane.

Travis: Captain Captain Bane.

Clint: Captain Captain Bane. Right.



[Griffin laughing]



[Clint laughs]



[music fades in - Voidfish duet (1:47) ]



[music continues]

{37:27-42:50} [commercial break]

[transition music begins, break ends]

Griffin: Uh, the three of you roll up to the gachapon, Leon’s chambers, Leon the Artificer. I forgot to mention, Davenport did give you three tokens.

Travis: Of course he did.

Griffin: As a reward for your, uh… for your good, good work. And Leon, whose voice I forget how it goes, but it sounds a little bit different ‘cause he’s sick, if it sounds different from usual I’ve just written an in-fiction reason for that, he says--

Clint: Well played, Griffin.

Griffin: He says:



[pause]

Travis: Uh, ok. I go first.

Clint: I’m not going first this time. Yeah, you are.

Travis: I’ll go first.

Griffin: Do you have a superstition about “first person always gets the shittiest loot”?

Clint: Well I’ve gone first-- yeah! I’ve gone first before and got hosed.

Griffin: Ok. Alright [light chuckle].

Travis: Ok I hand Leon my coin.

Griffin: Ok, Leon hands it back.



[long pause, Clint laughs]

Griffin: Leon just-- Leon just stands up and leaves the room.

[all laughing]

Travis: I put the coin in the gachapon.

Justin: Alright everybody, that’s a series wrap on Leon! Let’s hear it for him.

Clint: [clapping, away from microphone] Leon, ladies and gentlemen!

Justin: A great character that no longer exists on the show! [laughs]

[Clint stops clapping]

Griffin: You uh-- [laughing] you put the coin into the-- the token into the gachapon.

Travis: And now I roll, right?

Griffin: Yup! You roll a d20.

Travis: [rolls] 20.

Griffin: Perfect! And predictable. You turn it [Clint laughs hard] you see a big ol’ bubble in there, big ol’ capsule, and it looks like it’s got this awesome, bladed throwing shield in it, [Travis gasps] and you see it like-- jostle as you turn the crank, but it doesn’t fall down the chamber.

Travis: I punch the machine a lot.

[Clint and Griffin laughing]

Griffin: Leon runs back into the room:



Griffin: Leon walks back out of the chamber.



Griffin: Uh, what does fall into the chamber is a kinda small-ish capsule, about the size of a cantaloupe. And you pick it up and as you crack it open, you see that this capsule has inside of it a belt. And the buckle of this belt is pretty peculiar… uh, it’s got a dial on it, a little knob, and around that knob you see a little, you see three symbols, and one of them looks like a flame, and one of them looks like a little ice cube, and one of them looks like a little lightning bolt.



Griffin: Um, and you I guess, taking over for Leon since you annoyed him out of existence, walk over to his big ol’ book, and flip through it. Under “belts”, you find what you think to be the right description of this item. It is “The Defender’s Dial”. And once per day, you can turn that dial and activate the belt, and for five minutes, it will give you resistance to fire, cold or lightning damage which means half damage, from any of those three sources.

Travis: And it’s Defender’s Belt?

Clint: Nice.

Griffin: Defender’s Dial. That’s what it’s called.

Clint: You sure it’s not a “sash”?

Griffin: No, it’s a belt.

Clint: Mhm!

Griffin: Who’s up?



Griffin: Kay.

Justin: I put my coin in perfectly, no problem.

Griffin: Just? Okay.

Clint: I thought there was something we had to turn, didn’t we?

Justin: First try.

Griffin: You’ve just made me angry. For Leon.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: It feels like you’re antagonizing-- but I’m-- I do Leon, I feel like you’re just antagonizing your real brother now.

Justin: I turn around, like I spin around, without even looking just ‘bump’ the like, the crank with my elbow, like the Fonz. [crosstalk, everyone laughing] And it lands on 8.

Griffin: Ok. Ooh, ok. Um, a pretty sizeable capsule pops out, it’s almost rectangular, and as you crack this open, you see a slick, black leather cloak inside of it.



Griffin: And as you hold it up this cloak has like a badass hood, and as you put it on and hold your arms out it almost looks like it kinda has wings a little bit--



Griffin: --outstretching from it. And you look up “cloaks” in Leon’s big ol’ book, and you deduce that this is the “Cloak of the Manta Ray”. And this is a black leather cloak that grants magic users plus one AC, and what’s cool about it is when submerged in water, it transforms, and it grants the wearer an additional plus two AC, water-breathing, and it allows you swim 60 feet uh, it gives you 60 foot movement speed underwater.

Clint: Wow.

Griffin: So kind of almost turns you into like a slick manta ray, and gives you additional powers when you’re underwater.



Griffin: But it gives you plus 1 AC when you’re on land as well.



Clint: You know this means our next mission will be on a desert, right?

Griffin: [laughs] Uh, next in the order I guess is Merle, you’re the only one left.

Clint: Yep. Alright. I hold my coin on my shoulder, and let it roll down my arm into the slot perfectly.

Griffin: Ok. Do a sleight of hand check for me? [Justin snorts]

Clint: Ok. Do I roll one of these dice things?

Griffin: Yeah the one with the number 20 on it.

Clint: [rolls] 2!

Griffin: Ok. It actually doesn’t go in the slot and it rolls down the room and down in a grate. And it falls down in a grate. And it’s gone.

Clint: [dejected] Ok. That’s just keeping in the way things usually work.

Griffin: [laughing] But it’s not a very deep grate--

Clint: And I reach in and get it!

Griffin: You fish it out, yeah. Ok.

Clint: Alright, I’ll just put it in very meekly and mildly.

Griffin: No! Part of me wants you to keep doing this stunt until you pull it off.

[everyone laughing]

Clint: I try it on the other arm this time, the other shoulder. [rolls] And it’s a 19!

Justin: It is!

Griffin: A 19. Fuck yeah. Nothing but net.

Travis: And we’ve just determined that you are left-handed.

Griffin: Yeah, Uh you drop it in, and uh, roll that die.

Clint: Alright. [rolls] 6!

Griffin: 6, ok. You get the throwing shield--

Travis: Augh!

Griffin: --No. You get a really small capsule, pops out--

Clint: Of course.

Griffin: --that you can hold in your hand. And when you pop it open, there is a pendant, and the icon on this pendant is a little red cross. Almost like a first aid kit symbol. And as you look in the book, under “pendants”, you find a picture of this item with the description, it is the “Physician's Pendant”: after causing-- after casting a spell that causes a creature to restore hit points, roll a d20. On a roll of 16 plus, that spell did not cost you a spell slot.

Travis: Ooh!

Justin: Oh sweet.

Clint: Sweet! And what’s it called again?

Griffin: So any time you-- “The Physician’s Pendant”. So any time you cast a healing spell, roll a d20, and there’s basically a 25% chance that you get to keep the spell slot.

Travis: Now, Ditto, let me ask you a question. All of these seem pretty specific to us, do you have twenty different items for each of us that it could be?

Griffin: Um, I have a list of items for each of you what it could be. So, Magnus is not gonna get like a wizard shit.

Travis: Lemme just say, once again, DMing, knocking it out of the park. That’s genius.

Justin: Excellent work.

Travis: It’s a really cool mechanic.

Griffin: Thanks! Um, but honestly, you know what my greatest creation is…

Justin: What?

Griffin: It’s everybody’s favourite retail shopping franchise…

[Travis and Justin gasp]

[a musical jingle plays, with Griffin singing: Fantasy Costco! Where all your dreams come true. Got a deal for you!]

Griffin: You’re in the Fantasy Costco now, that’s that catchy jingle, that chart-topping tune, plays as the sliding doors open.

Justin: I gotta figure out how to sell ringtones…

Clint: I think Barry Manilow made that one.

Griffin: Uh… and a haunting, semi-spectral vision floats up to you, and goes:



Justin: How many monies do we have?

Griffin: Uh, you each got eighteen-hundred gold pieces. You got forty-five hundred as your winnings for the race, and you got nine-hundred for the uh… for the lockbox that Travis-- that Magnus beat in a poison drinking contest. And if that doesn’t sound familiar to you, it’s ‘cause it happened five fucking months ago. [Clint laughs] But that was episode one of “Petals to the Metal”.

Justin: Uh I also would… don’t we get money from the Bureau? For doing the mission?

Griffin: Not for this one actually, ‘cause the winnings were illegal, and so like-- they were just like, “why don’t you just take that instead and it’ll be kinda like a fundraising--” [cutoff]

Justin: It’s almost like they were trying to like, maintain balance.

Griffin: Yeah like, that’s sorta their whole thing right. [crosstalk] Like it’s sorta like there in the name. [crosstalk]

Clint: And doctor the books.

Justin: Ok so uh, I’m looking at a-- just a whole wide array of--

Travis: Yeah, this is an amazing list. [lots of crosstalk]

Justin: I wanna highlight a couple, just because like, I know we won’t be able to afford this one, but John Williams’ 8-year-old son Colin created the Flaming Poison-- “Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom”. A steal at sixty thousand gold pieces-- [cracking up]

Griffin: So that one’s sitting in like a, big ol’ safe with a glass display case, it is an important item here at the Fantasy Costco.

Clint: “Gigantic blade, wreathed in flames, with a crooked, oozing, scorpion stinger affixed to its point. Deals an extra 20 melee damage.”

Travis: I would like to steal that. What do I roll.

Clint: [Clint laughs] A 40.

Griffin: Something tells me that would not be successful.

Travis: M’kay.

Griffin: So just running down the list, I’m just gonna bust out some of the things cause I know-- I’ll probably post these on the tumblr, but I don’t think everybody’s gonna read that. Uh… you got a rusted can of Cheerwine, that is sitting on the store shelves, it looks like it’s been through hell, but it seems to be just radiating this vital energy. The one I really like was sent in by Chris Callison-Birch, it’s the “Shield of Heroic Memories”--

Travis: Yeah I’m getting that one.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Chris did such a good job crafting this item that I- [Griffin: Yeah] I can’t not buy it.

Griffin: Ok well if you’re gonna buy it, read the description ‘cause it’s fucking radical--

Travis: “This perfectly round, silver shield initially has a mirror finish. As a hero takes it into battle, it remembers the enemies encountered, gaining a plus 1 to AC on any subsequent battle with creatures of that type. The events of the battle are intricately engraved into the shield’s surface, which has a seemingly endless capacity for detail.”

Griffin: Like that’s bada-- that’s fucking radical. And then my boy Chris Callison-Birch took it up another level-- this next part--

Travis: “The bearer of the shield may also attempt to recount past battles real or imagined to the shield. Upon a DC 10 charisma check or DC 15 bluff check, the shield confers a plus 1 AC against the creatures described in the tall tales. Three failed attempts at recounting stories causes the shield to be cleared of all its memories, the engravings disappear, it reverts to its mirror finish, all bonuses are lost.”

Griffin: So this is a shield that remembers shit that you fight, and gives you a plus 1 AC whenever you fight them again. Or you can lie to the shield and say “oh yeah, kobolds, totally fought those dudes”. That’s fucking great.

Travis: It’s brilliant.

Justin: Now does that stack?

Griffin: Whaddya mean?

Justin: If you fight kobolds twice, do you get plus 2 AC--

Griffin: No no no, it’s just always plus 1.

Justin: Okay. Got it.

Griffin: Or else that would get crazy. Um, we got Asher Volmer sent in the anti-gravity sphere, which is like a little bomb that you throw, that disables gravity around you.

Drew Davenport sent this one and I really like it: the “Gluttons Fork”. “Once a day this fork will allow the user to eat any non-magical item they can fit into their mouth and gain two d6 points of health.” Just tap on the fork, tap the fork on the item and it will turn edible.

Uh… you have the “Champion's Belt” from Ben C. which lets you once per day, instead of making a wisdom or charisma check, when you would make those checks you can substitute your strength modifier.

“Phone-a-Friend Scrying Bones” from Matthew Wallace, those allow you to cast these bones that allow you to ask me a question, and get like a yes or no answer…

I really like the “Nitpicker”, that was sent in by Tom H., [Clint: that’s what I want.] You wanna buy that? [crosstalk]

Travis: Ok good, cause I couldn’t decide if I wanted that or not. I’m glad you--

Griffin: Can you read the description for me uh, Merle?



Griffin: That’s fucking brilliant! [Clint: Yeah!] That’s fucking good! Uh okay, so you’re gonna buy that.

Uh, Samantha Parimba sent in the plastic sheriff badge, it “adds plus 3 to bluff checks when impersonating a person of authority;” I like that, got kinda a psychic paper feel to it.

Got the “Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom”, from Colin, we talked about that.

Bianca Rodriguez sent in the “No Sodium Salt-Shaker”, which is a salt-shaker, but if sprinkled over food or drink that contains poison, the salt turns a bright shade of pink.

There’s “The Immovable Rod”, this one was sent in by a bunch of people, the first one I saw was Timothy Rena-Feri, the Immovable Rod is actually in The Player’s Handbook, “it’s a flat-iron bar with a button on one end, when the button’s pushed, the rod does not move from where it is, even if staying in place defies gravity. Thus the owner can lift or place the rod wherever he wishes, push the button and let go. Several Immovable Rods can even make a ladder when used together, can support up to eight thousand pounds before falling to the ground.” Um, so you just freeze this thing in space.

And then the last one, Eric Atkinson sent in: “The Diadem of Fabulous Truthiness”, which once per long rest you can cast a free ‘Zone of Truth’, but target a single target rather than a radius.

There’s a bunch of other stuff on there also that I came up with, but we’ll get to that if you wanna buy it. If not, that’s the stuff that people sent in. Thank you so much for sending in your suggestions! If I didn’t include yours it’s probably because it was a little bit too complicated for us to use in regular play, we try to keep things fast n’ breezy here or it was um… a joke, and I enjoyed that joke, but it didn’t make the cut.

Travis: I would like… the Shield of Heroic Memories.

Griffin: It’s twelve-hundred GP, you got six-hundred left.

Travis: And the Glutton’s Fork. Now admittedly, that puts me at nineteen-fifty, but I would like to sell back my old shield for a-hundred-and-fifty.



Clint: I hand him my Sharpie of Truth.

Travis: And I sign it.



Travis: I do that.



Travis: That was Travis asking, I’m terrified of Garfield the Deals Warlock. [laughing]



[Clint and Justin laughing]

Griffin: Ok so um, Merle you’re buying the Nitpicker, that’s nine-hundred GP, which leaves you with another 900 [crosstalk]

Clint: What are you gonna get?

Justin: I dunno, there’s not a lot that’s like… blowin’ my skirt up.

Clint: Well, I really like the Nitpicker. I really like the Phone-a-Friend Scrying Bones.

Griffin: Ok, yeah, those are cool. That’s five-hundred, so that’s fourteen-hundred-- [interrupted]

Clint: Did you want those?

Justin: No, you go nuts. I will appreciate having some options ruled out for me.

Clint: Yeah… can I hang onto the rest, or…?

Justin: You won’t remember.

Griffin: Yeah!

Clint: No, you’re right, I won’t remember… I got four-hundred left? Gimme that can of Cheerwine. I looove some Cheerwine.

Griffin: Alright. Yeah. You take this can of Cheerwine, and like, you don’t know what it is, but you like… it looks delicious despite the fact that it looks like it literally has been through hell. Like there’s burn marks, and rust all over it. You can only kind of make out the logo; you only know that it’s Cheerwine because the uh, the back of the can lists that it was brewed in beautiful Atlanta, Georgia. Probably, I dunno I’m making that up. [lots of crosstalk]

Clint: We have one right here!

Justin: It’s bottled under the uh- it’s bottled in Salisbury, North Carolina.

Griffin: Oh is it?

Justin: --manufactured by the independent bottlers… under the authority of Carolina Beverage Corp.

Griffin: Yeah. So like, you don’t understand those words, but you deduce that this drink that you’re about to slam is called Cheerwine.

Justin: I’m enjoying a Cheerwine as we speak, it’s fucking great--

Clint: Excellent.

Griffin: I’m fucking super jealous--

Justin: You know what it’s not as good as?

Griffin: Quizno’s?

Justin: [drawn out] Kah-wheezzz-noooos…

Griffin: Alright as you take a slug of the Cheerwine, and you down that whole can, uh your max HP goes up by 5.

Clint: Yeah-ah-ha! And that cleans me out!

Justin: Oh so it’s like good for your digestion too, huh. [everyone laughing] Thank you.

Clint: Haha! Badaboom!

Griffin: You’ve got those scrying bones, and the what? Oh, and the Nitpicker. Okay. And then Taako, you haven’t spent anything yet.

Justin: Nah, I don’t, um… I want the anti-gravity sphere, and the plastic sheriff’s badge.

Griffin: Ok. That’s a thousand.

Justin: Um, and then… tell you what, why don’t you throw in that immovable rod. Cause we’re all spendin’ a lot of money here. and



[Justin laughs]

Clint: What about all that silverware you stole from the kid.

Justin: Yeah, did I ever sell that?



Justin: Griffin doesn’t put in a lot of rests, so it’s like, not great.



Clint: Let the buyer beware!



Griffin: So that’s, you get the… immovable rod, the plastic sheriff badge, and the anti-gravity sphere. You understand the anti-gravity sphere’s a one-time use thingy, you throw it down, and then--

Justin: Got it.

Griffin: --it explodes, and then. Ok.

Clint: Same thing for the Cheerwine, right? Same thing for the Cheerwine?

Griffin: Yeah it’s gone. You don’t--

Clint: It’s gone.

Griffin: Ya it doesn't… you don’t get to keep getting 5 HP. [crosstalk]

Travis: But you have permanent-- plus 4 hit points?

Clint: Oh, I know. Plus 5.

Travis: Alright.

Griffin: And you’re about to get more, cause it’s level up time, let’s just burn through this shit.

Justin: Oh my God. Please. I have a life outside of this podcast.

Clint: [Softly] Not really.

Travis: I don’t; I love being here. It’s the only time I feel alive.

Justin: [crosstalk] Great, now I’m bummed.

Griffin: [crosstalk] So who wants to go first so I can go to your part of the book.

Travis: I will do it.

Griffin: Looks like at level 7, you get a martial archetype feature, and at level 8 you get an ability score improvement. So--

Travis: Sweet. Also at level 7, I get a thing called “Know Your Enemy”: “If you spend at least one minute observing or interacting with a creature outside combat, you can learn certain information about its capabilities compared to your own”.

Griffin: Interesting. So you can basically figure out if they could kick your ass in any particular department. When you hit 8th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1.

Clint: I thought this was level 7?

Justin: This is level 7, right?

Griffin: You’re doing 7 and 8.

Clint: Oh man!

Justin: Ok, great.

Griffin: Yeah, big jump. Um so, Trav? Two stats you’re gonna boost by 1, or one you’re gonna boost by 2? You can’t go above 20.

Travis: Umm… I’m gonna bump constitution from 15 to 16, so that that will… raise that… also a point into wisdom and take it from 10 to 11. See I’ve spent some time on the road--

Griffin: So, you get… you get “Know Your Enemy”, two new maneuvers, also--

Travis: [surprised] I do??

Griffin: Yeah. Go ahead and learn those off-book, I’ll trust you, cause that’ll take you awhile, I feel like. And you get an additional superiority die. God, you get a lot of shit at 7. Okay, well, in summary Magnus just became more awesome. Uh, go ahead and do your hit-die roll.

Travis: Ok. And how many do I roll?

Griffin: Uh, 1 d10. And then you add your constitution modifier, so it’s good you just bumped that up. [Travis: Yeah] I’ll give you plus 3 bonus both times, even though it should be plus 2 once.

Travis: [rolls] That’s a 7, plus 3, so 10… [rolls] and that’s a 2 plus 3 so 15 more. Yeah?

Griffin: Yes. Yeah. So you got 15 additional extra hit points. Ok and then figure out your other stuff, your maneuvers and all that jazz, and we’ll just, we’ll talk about those when you do ‘em.

Travis: I’m up to 72 hit points.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re a baller. And a shot-caller. You’re level 8 guys, it’s about to get tough out there. Who wants to go next?

Justin: Uh, I’ll go. I bumped, I have bumped my spell-slots, so I got that all set.

Griffin: Yeah so at, by level 8, now you can cast fourth-level spells. That’s crazy. You can cast two of em, you get two fourth level spell slots. Uh… you… it doesn’t look like you get anything at 7 except for the spell-slots and then at 8 you also get the ability score improvement so, plus 1 to two stats or plus 2 to one stat. Can’t go above 20.

Justin: I’m gonna up my… intelligence 1, and my dexterity 1.

Griffin: Ok. And then your hit dice. One d6 plus your constitution modifier.

Justin: M’kay. Just, er, twice? Do that twice? [Griffin: Yup] Ok. [rolls] 5, and [rolls] 8 so 13. Which brings me to 50 hit points altogether.

Griffin: That’s a beefy wizard.

Justin: It’s not bad.

Griffin: And then you learn some new spells but I trust you can do that off-book, too.

Justin: Yes, I will.

Griffin: And… yeah but you do learn new spells. And cleric, time… time for the cleric.

Clint: Yay!!!

Griffin: I didn’t even know bards were in here.

Travis: Oh! Is it too late to make Magnus a bard?

Griffin: Way too late. About 8 levels too late. About a year too late.

Travis: I’ll get ‘em next time, on the reboot.

Griffin: Um, so, at 7 doesn’t look like you get anything except for you can now do fourth level spells, and then at 8… wow, you get a lot of shit. Ok. So at 8, you get the ability score improvement, so go ahead and decide on that. You get either plus two to one stat, or plus one to two stats. Can’t go above 20.

Clint: I wanna put one in wisdom, which kicks me up to 17, [Griffin: ‘Kay.] and one in constitution, which gives me 16.

Griffin: Uh, and then let’s do your hit dice, too, cause it’s about to get complicated. So that’s one d8, plus your constitution modifier.

Clint: K, my constitution modifier is 3. Correct?

Griffin: Yes, you just bumped it up to 3. And I’ll let you use it both times too.

Clint: Ok so you said… a d8?

Griffin: D8, if Justin, you wanna help find that.

Clint: 7… I already did! C’mon! I’m not a rookie.

Justin: You got a… where’s your caddy? Dad’s got a die caddy.

Clint: I forgot to bring my dice caddy!

Griffin: Oh my God… is it like a pill caddy that you-

Justin: It’s amazing, um.

Clint: I- well, I have it, I saved them-

Justin: What was the name? You don’t remember? I wrote it down, though.

Clint: Next time I will praise these people for giving me the dice caddy. It was wonderful.

Justin: It’s… it’s amazing. It’s literally a pill caddy--

Clint: A huge pill caddy--

Justin: A huge pill caddy that has each slot labeled. [crosstalk: Clint: “Yeah.” Travis: “Nice!” Griffin: “That’s incredible.” ] See if you can check the irony, of him forgetting to bring [Griffin laughing] the caddy that--

Clint: You know what I need, I need a dice caddy-- [Justin repeating] a dice caddy caddy. [crosstalk]

Griffin: Or just a man-- or-- I was thinking like a golf caddy, who just like walks around with you, and like hands you-- [crosstalk]

Travis: Oh! Looks like you should use the d8 today! Got a downhill slope and it’s been rainin’! [Clint laughing]

Clint: So I do that twice?

Griffin: Yeah, did you add your modifier to that?

Clint: I have a 7

Griffin: you rolled a 7 or you--

Clint: plus 3,

Griffin: okay, ten

Clint: okay, now I do it again?

Griffin: Yep

Clint: [rolls] A 5, plus 3, so that’s 8.

Griffin: So that’s 18.

Clint: So I… So I add 18 plus the 5 from my Cheerwine.

Griffin: Yeah. Yeah I’m gonna have to start hitting you dudes hard.

Clint: That’s a 70, that takes me up to 70.

Griffin: Nice. At level 8, you have a spell I don’t think you’ve used yet called “Turn Undead”. It’s actually not even a spell, it’s a thing you have called “Channel Divinity”. And it’s a thing you can do a certain number of times a day, and it is this area of eff--

Justin: I can “Turn Undead” but I can only do it once. [Travis laughs, Clint blows raspberry]

Griffin: You cast this spell and, uh, it casts in a 30 foot radius, and it forces undead things to move away from you as quickly as it possibly can. But at a certain point, it also turned into “Destroy Undead”, so if you use “Turn Undead”, any like, particularly weak undead creatures caught in the blast are just instantly killed. [Clint: Okay] But, it only effects like really… weak undead creatures. I’m trying to find a way to explain this in non-game terms, ‘cause there’s like numbers n’ shit in the book, but, at level 8, it becomes more capable of destroying stronger undead creatures. [Clint: Ok, cool] Does that make sense?

Clint: Yeah! It makes total sense.

Griffin: And then, for your nature domain--

Clint: Is he talking to me? [Justin snorts]

Justin: Yes.

Clint: Ok. Yeah! Makes perfect sense.

Griffin: Uh… so you learn the spells “Dominate Beast” and “Grasping Vine”; oh shit-- is this really you? Ok. At level 8, Merle, you gain “Divine Strike”. “You gain the ability to infuse your weapon strikes with divine energy. Once on each of your turns, when you hit a creature with a weapon attack, you can cause the attack to deal an extra 1d8 cold, fire or lightning damage of your choice to the target. When you reach 14th level, the extra damage increases to 2d8.” Holy shit. [Justin: Niiice.] So every time you attack, every time you attack you can choose to roll an extra one d8 of fire, ice or lightning damage.

Clint: Yeah. Sweet. [Justin: Wow.] That’s sweet.

Griffin: Remember that! Write Divine Strike down on your character sheet!

Clint: I just did that! I wrote it down! [crosstalk] I wrote it, I wrote it. I wrote it. So how… so how ‘bout my spell slots?

Griffin: Yup. You get more of those too. I’ll figure that out too, [crosstalk] but now you can cast 4th level spells; you and Taako just became better at casting spells, and there’s a way-- I think you don’t have to memorize your spells, you just, you have to prepare them from the pool, but Taako does. And I don’t know how that works, but we’ll figure it out. Guys, we’re just playing it by the seat of our butts!

Travis: I’ve chosen my attacks. My new maneuvers. [man-yoovers]

Griffin: And we’ll get to those. We’ll get to those definitely. [Clint starts laughing]

Justin: Do you have a button prepared, Griffin? Like some sort of like exciting thing at the end?

Griffin: Well, no, and I’m just now realizing that, and it’s made me pretty nervous.

Justin: Ok. Well let me come up with something. I’ll just make something up.

Griffin: Yeah, please.

Justin: And then… we-- The three of us have been sitting around. And I don’t know what that would look like from the exterior, but it-- I think it would look like parts of our bodies were just like… growing. [Griffin laughs] For no reason. [Travis laughs] If you were watching from the outside. And then just as like, that’s concluding, there’s a knock on the door. And the door slowly swings open, and there’s uh, behind the door there’s a shadowy figure. [Griffin: Oh boy.] And we turn and see the figure, and then we all go like “oh shit”. And then the figure, in a voice that is both masculine and feminine, old and young, says like, “you got that right”. And then credits. [Clint and Griffin laugh]

Travis: It’s Samuel L. Jackson.

Justin: Doesn’t-- it’s both masculine and feminine, old and young. So it sounds kinda like just all voices, and then it’s just like -- we’re like-- “oh boy” and then the voice is like “you got that right again”.

Griffin: And then, the beginning now, it’s a sneak preview of the next episode, and you look up and-- [Clint: “Next time on…”] [crosstalk All: the Adventure Zone] and it shows the figure and it’s an old man with a big bushy grey moustache, [outro music starts playing] and he goes uh, “[in hillbilly voice] Well looks like I’m in the wrong room, sorry gang.” And he turns and leaves.

[theme music plays out to Maximum Fun ad]