The Adventure Zone: MaxFunCon East Live/Transcript

The Adventure Zone Dungeon Master & NPCs: Griffin McElroy Magnus Burnsides: Travis McElroy Merle Highchurch: Clint McElroy Taako Taaco: Justin McElroy Brad "The Motivator" Bradson: Stuart Wellington

TAZ Transcript MaxFunCon East Live (part of TAZscripts on Tumblr)

Griffin: Let’s hop right into it! Are you guys ready?

[The three respond simultaneously, a enthusiastic “hell yes!” from Justin, “yeah!” from Travis, a hesitant “yeah?” from Clint.]

Griffin: Um, so the three of you--Merle, Magnus, and Taako--have joined the Bureau of Balance for a weekend-long mandatory corporate team-building retreat [pause as audience laughs] at a woodland complex called Camp Good Friend, tucked away in an idyllic few acres of the Trollbark Forest. The event was organized by the Director of the Bureau of Balance, who began to notice a slight resentment between the different teams of the Bureau of Balance, uh, uh--

Travis: Jealousy.

Griffin: A little bit of jealousy in between the ranks. And in order to squash that, she has sort of brought the whole organization onto--wow you guys are really genuinely far away--uh, to, to Camp Good Friend! Uh, and it’s day three of your retreat, first two were filled with the types of activities you’d expect: Seminars on effective corporate communication, panels led by HR representatives on workplace etiquette, some--some bonfires with musical accompaniment led by Johann the Bard, and Camp Good Friend has been fine, the three of you have your own private bunk away from the--some of the bigger cabins--but you’re still kind of roughing it.

Travis: Tell us more about the bunk, Griffin.

Griffin: Well, why don’t you tell me about what you’ve been doing at Camp Good Friend, what sorts of activities you’ve been participating in.

Clint: Lanyards! We did a lot of lanyards.

Griffin [laughing]: OK.

Clint: Those’re--those’re hot right now.

Griffin: OK.

Travis: I did a lot of Fantasy Skeet Shooting. With arrows.

Griffin: Would that even work?

Travis: It was very hard.

Griffin: Yeah!

Travis: It did not go well! It went poorly!

Griffin: Taako?

Justin: I slept in a lot and blew off as many activities as I possibly could.

Griffin [laughing]: OK! ...A nugget of truth there!

[Clint laughs.]

Griffin: But it’s the final day of--of your stay at Camp Good Friend, during which everybody is supposed to participate in something called the Trial of Teamwork, which the event’s organizers and counselors have promised to be a completely transformative experience which will change your lives and allow you to relate to your fellow human--or elf or dwarf or whatever--in ways that you’ve never imagined.

And you’re summoned to the Enclave of Cooperation, a large clearing in the forest with a stone circle of benches, and just past that is a hilltop dungeon with an archway entrance with a big heavy gate over it.

Travis: Now, does this--does this seem like legit or does this seem like paper mâché, they built it, you know, out of something--

Griffin: It’s funny that you ask that--totally paper mâché. Like this is like a--this is very much a set.

Travis: Great! OK.

Griffin: There is a large bulletin board next to the entrance of the dungeon with some long scrolls attached to it. And gathered around this circle you see different Bureau of Balance employees--some you’ve met before, some you probably haven’t put in the effort to meet--and they’re all congregating in groups of four. And they seem like really touchy-feely, for lack of a better term.

Travis: Ewwww.

Griffin: Like they’ve just like. Like they’ve just had this wonderful experience. You see a quartet just sitting--oh god!--oh that had a lid on it thank God--um, you see a quartet on the ground in a circle with their arms wrapped around each other, you see a dwarven woman sitting on a bench with three other Bureau employees just kind of comforting her as she has this like emotional moment, you see--

Travis: Ew.

Griffin: --other characters from the show, like Avi, Johann, Leon, and the Director, and they’re very excitedly recapping the events of the trial, and they’re laughing and hugging like a lot, so all around you are these groups that are having these enthusiastic conversations and these emotional interactions. And as you approach the entrance to the trial, you see the head counselor for Camp Good Friend, whose name is Bartholomew Croft. And you’ve probably interacted with him a few times throughout the weekend, he’s a very over enthusiastic elven guy who wears sunscreen... which is probably the first time you’ve seen that--[laughing] he probably invented sunscreen in this fantasy world. [Clint laughs.]

Griffin: And he motions you toward the signup board, and he says:

Justin: Wait. Fucking stop. Try it again.



Justin: Thank you.

Travis: Boom!

Justin: Fucking--killing me.



[Audience, Travis, and Clint laugh.]

Griffin: You don’t--



[Audience laughs.]



Justin: Our greatest challenge yet!

Clint: Should we roll something?

Travis: Yeah, do we need to--

Clint: Is there a pen initiative?

Griffin: Jesus.

Travis: Do we need to roll [unintelligible] to see who signs up first?

Griffin: We’re allowed to go until 9:30 PM with this show, right?

Travis: I rolled a 2!

Justin: OK--OK we--

Clint: I rolled a 12 in cursive.

Justin: OK, we--we do that.

Griffin: OK, Dad, with that 12 in cursive you write Morple on the board. Good enough!

Justin [laughing]: Pobody’s nerfect!

Griffin: He says:



Griffin: And he holds up a medallion.



Justin: Whoa!

Griffin: There’s a golden medallion, a golden round medallion, and on it, emblazoned on it, are two big burly arms reaching in for a powerful handshake.

Clint: Arms?

Griffin: Yeah. Well no these are--these are decorative arms.

Travis: Magnus can’t sign up fast enough.

Griffin: OK. Magnus signs up.

Travis: He shoves Art out of the way to get to it.



Travis: Even though he’s not in the way.



Justin: I uh, I cast mage hand and make--



Justin: that hand sign for me.

Griffin: OK.

Justin: I’m not gonna--



[Griffin, Clint, and Justin laugh.]

Griffin: The three of you have signed up for the last spot for the Trial of Teamwork, and you notice there’s a fourth spot in this, in this, this signup sheet, and Art says:



[Silence]

Stage crew: Brad?

Justin: Brad?

Clint [calling]: Brad!

[Audience cheering as Stuart walks onstage.]

Justin: Hey, Brad.

Clint: [gruffly] Hello, Brad.

Travis: Hey Brad!

Stuart: Hey guys, how’re you doing?

Griffin: Uh, everyone, this is Brad Bradson, who is being played by Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse podcast! [Audience cheering.]

Stuart: Hey guys!

Griffin: It’s our first time having a guest on the show, so we’re all very scared right now. [Stuart and the audience laugh.]

Stuart: Mainly me!

Griffin: What’s uh--tell us about Brad Bradson a little bit, Stuart.

Stuart: OK, let me [getting situated/consulting character sheet--Griffin laughs]--let me see… Brad works for Human Resources, for the Bureau of Balance. Brad is from a tribe of hill people. His father was Brad the Bloodthirsty. His grandfather was Brad the Bonebreaker.

Griffin [laughing]: So he’s sort of gone away from his, uh--

Stuart: Yeah, well, kinda! He’s searching for his own truth.

Griffin: OK! [laughs] That’s so important.

Stuart: So his enemies know him as Brad the Motivator. And that’s what I’m here to do today, guys!

Griffin: And I wanna--I’m curious if you all have met Brad before, if you’ve had any interactions with Human Resources.



Clint: There was one office Christmas party but I think we both wanna forget it right now.

Griffin: OK! Taako?

Justin: No. [Griffin bursts into laughter.]

Griffin: Brad, have you heard of these three before?

Stuart: Oh, I’ve heard plenty about these three.

Griffin: OK! Uh, Brad Bradson, you walk over and sign up on the signup sheet, and finally you have a full team! And uh, Art Goodfriend leads you towards the, the cobblestone archway into the hilltop dungeon, and as you walk over there, the gate opens up, and you see a few familiar faces--you see Carey and Killian, and Noelle and Angus emerge from the archway, and Angus is riding on Noelle’s robot shoulders [audience coos] and they’re just--they’re all just having a great time! Their faces are, are, are streaked with tears of joy, and they’re just like excitedly retelling what happened in the dungeon below! And Carey says:



Griffin: And walks past the group.



[Griffin and the audience laugh.]

Travis: Wait, are you HR or are you a safety inspector?

Stuart: It’s a little bit of both, you know? [Travis laughs.]

Griffin: Angus says:



Justin: Eugh.



[Justin and the audience laugh.]



Travis: Weeell, I was about to do a thing, but now maybe not.

Clint: If we kill anybody is it canon?

Griffin: Jesus. [Audience laughs.]

Clint: Well I’m just saying!

Travis: Ango is still a child!

Griffin: So the gate--

Travis: You heard it here first! Clint McElroy will kill a child for humor!

Griffin: The gate opens again and Art motions you inside and says:



Travis [making fun of his voice]: I’m melting!

[Clint laughs.]

Justin: We could literally be walking into a dragon’s maw and it’d be better than spending another fucking second with Art. [Clint laughs.]

Travis: We do that! We walk into the dragon’s maw!

Griffin: OK.



Clint: It’s a two dollar cover.

Griffin: There uh, before you’re allowed to go in, there’s a deposit box where you have to drop off all of your magic items. Not your weapons, you still get to keep those, but you don’t get to keep any of your magic--

Justin: I printed out a whole list!

Clint [laughing]: I know, he’s got a whole sheet of stuff in his bag!

Travis: To be fair,

[Justin throws the sheet into the crowd.]

Clint: And now it’s gone.

Travis: Anything in Magnus’s hands is--

Justin: Collector’s item. [Griffin laughs.]

Clint: Did you sign it?

Justin: Wait! Did I put any in my butt? Hey! Can I put--are there any of those that could’ve fit in my butt? You just check and let me know later.

Travis: Is there anything he can hoop?

Clint: It didn’t come out of his butt, it’s OK to open it!

Justin: I sneak it into my butt.

Audience member: This list is huge!

Justin: Yeah, I’ve been keeping a lot of items. Not all in my butt. [Griffin laughs.]

Clint: Enough to make him walk funny.

Griffin: So you move through the archway and into a small round chamber,

Audience member: Pocket spa, maybe?

Griffin: Pocket spa, do you wanna shove a tent in your ass? [Audience laughs.]

Travis: Hey, don’t yuck his yum!

Justin: Let’s abandon this plan!

Griffin: Yeah, I don’t wanna yuck any yums, do you wanna put a pop tent in your butt? Alright, let’s move on, let’s move on. You move on through the archway and into a small round chamber, the only thing of note in here is a small design carved onto the stone floor that reads “Enter Colleagues, Exit Best Friends”.

Clint: God. Almighty.

Griffin: And ahead of you is a long narrow--ahead of you is a long narrow stone staircase leading down a tunnel down into the hill and underground, and as you move down it, there’s a surprisingly warm breeze blowing up the stairs.

Travis: Magnus starts running towards the breeze. [Audience laughs]

Griffin: It’s literally a breeze!

Travis: He’s running!

Griffin: It’s wind! OK--

Travis: Can’t stop him!

Justin: Are you--are you like, an excitable man or a monarch butterfly?! [Griffin laughs.] Like literally!

Griffin: And as you, uh, finish your descent down these long, narrow stairs, you emerge into a large room lit by several huge sconces built into the wall, and it is kind of a shitty room! It’s uh, it’s about the size of a cellar, and it’s kind of decorated in like, paper mâché dungeon attire, like it looks like a theatre set designed to look like a--or like a spooky haunted house, like a lot of, a lot of hard--what’s that hard foam that you spray and it makes it look like--

Travis: Hard foam.

Griffin: Yeah, you got it. So yeah, you’re in basically a fake dungeon.

Travis: Magnus walks around for a while just poking his finger through stuff.

Griffin: Yeah, you can, like you walk to the paper mâché wall and it just goes boink! [Travis giggles.] straight through it. And uh, as you enter this large chamber--



[Clint and Griffin laugh.]

Griffin: This is gonna be great. As you enter the chamber, the portcullis drops behind you, preventing your exit from the Trial of Teamwork.

Travis: I wanna do a strength check to pick it back up.

Griffin [laughing]: OK?

Travis: There’s a six?

Griffin [laughing]: Nooo.

Travis: Plus! Eight. So, a fourteen!

Griffin: Jesus, plus eight? Yeah, you could get out if you wanted to. [He breaks into laughter; Clint laughs too.]

Travis: I do that a couple times just [miming picking the portcullis up] ehh? Ehh? OK.

Griffin: And let’s get into the first trial! So, you’re standing in front of the first trial, and about 6 inches off the ground is a series of five 6½ foot long planks of wood, the ends of which are resting on small, circular metal pegs built into the ground, they make a zigzag pattern over a span of 30 feet, and you notice that below this series of planks, or essentially this low ropes course, is red carpet. And above you, you hear a loudspeaker being activated and you hear Art’s voice through the loudspeaker. And he says, uh, oh I should: [He cups his hands over his mouth to simulate the sound of a loudspeaker]



Travis: What?

Justin: Unintelligible.

Clint: Huh?

Griffin: Oh, you really can’t hear that?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: No.

Griffin: Well, imagine a little loudspeaker effect. Can you do that in post? Do you have a knob over there that’s like, loudspeaker—?

Stage crew: Yeah.

Clint: As his voice comes through these loudspeakers,

Griffin: I got a thumbs up--I got a thumbs up, I don’t see any knobs twiddling over there! So, over the loudspeaker, you hear:



[Audience laughter.]

Travis: Magnus pokes the red carpet.



Griffin: And the loudspeaker clicks off.

Travis: Magnus goes running across the planks or whatever.

Griffin: OK, make an acrobatics roll. [Justin laughs as Travis rolls.]

Travis: Eight. Plus. Two.

Griffin: A ten is actually OK, you’re just running all the way across?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: OK, Magnus has crossed the bridge by himself!

[Scattered audience applause.]

Justin: How big are like the gaps in between--like how big of a--?

Griffin: They’re not--there’s not that big a gap, it’s just--

Justin [laughing]: So it’s just like a bridge?

Griffin: Well, the boards are pretty narrow, so you gotta be careful or else you’ll step in the [singsong] laaavaaa. [Audience laughs]

Travis: Is there room to walk around the sides?

Griffin: Uh, I mean the planks are, are wide enough to like, you could hang out there for a second if you wanted to.

Travis: But is there like, empty floor space on the sides?

Griffin: No, it’s lava baby, lava all over.

Clint: Is it really lava? [Stuart laughs.]

Stuart: Yeah, yeah, is it really lava?

Griffin [laughing]: Uh, no, it’s uh, red carpet on the floor!

Clint: Well, Merle walks across the red car--no, he doesn’t. Jumps across the red carpet!

Griffin: You’re gonna jump thirty horizontal feet?

Clint: I am gonna jump! Yes!

Griffin: Alright, make an--make--make an athletics roll!

Clint: OK!

Griffin: To jump--to jump--hey, Dad? To jump 30 horizontal feet. [Justin giggles in the background as the audience uproariously laughs.]

Travis: You can do it!

Griffin: Did you know they just set a new world record in the Olympics for the long jump? For like fucking 8?

Justin [laughing]: And the Olym--and the Olympics are--for humans!

Griffin: But go ahead and do it! [Justin bursts into laughter.] Because you said it! Go ahead and roll your 30--

Clint [yelling]: OK! Screw you! I will!

Travis: Nope.

Clint: What am I looking at?

Travis: Not any of this.

Justin: Just roll a d20, you always just roll a d20!

Clint: Yeah, but I gotta know what my amplifier is--

Travis: You have a plus 0.

Justin: Plus 0?!

Griffin: Plus 0! Perfect baby! Yeah! Let them bones roll!

Travis [chanting]: Crit! Crit! Crit! Crit!

Clint: Yeah!

Travis: It’s an 8!

Clint: It’s an--I can read! It’s an 8.

Griffin: You jump--

Justin: But on a sideways it’s infinity which is the roll he would need [breaking into laughter, audience cheers and claps] to get to actually make the jump!

Clint: Nailed it!

Justin [yelling]: To jump 30 horizontal feet, Clinton!

Griffin: You jump--you jump 5½ feet and you land right on the carpet, like one sixth of the way past this trial.

Clint: Oh! No, I was jumping over where the plank is! So I landed on the plank at some point.

Griffin: Bullshit you did! Make the best acrobatics roll of your life and I’ll see if you land on the plank! There it goes.

Travis: Do it.

Griffin: Here it goes!

Stuart: I think he’s gonna do it!

Griffin: Now we’re playing D&D, baby!

Travis: Roll!

Clint [rolling]: Yeah! Rolled a… hey!

Travis: It’s a 17.

Stuart: Just read it.

Clint: 17 and I add a 0.

Griffin: OK. OK, yeah, that’s enough--you land on your belly on the plank like, like this like, inches from the red carpet, but you didn’t, you didn’t--

Clint: So like right out of America’s Funniest Videos?

Griffin: But you cleared like one board!

Clint: OK!

Stuart: I start clapping.

Griffin: OK.



Griffin: Somebody else do something!

Stuart: I start tearing up pieces of paper in the shape of the logs and I put ‘em on the floor and start trying to arrange them in a puzzle.

Griffin: Fuck yeah! Whatever, whatever you roll to get across it, you have advantage on.

Stuart: Oh, advantage! Uh, I’m gonna say insight, and that is--

Griffin [laughing]: Wait, no! OK! No! I mean, you just have whatever you use to cross the bridge, you can’t use insight to cross the--I see you, bridge!

Stuart: Oh! I don’t know!

Griffin: I was thinking of advantage on whatever you do to get across the bridge.

Clint: He has two! He’s got two of ‘em!

Griffin: Yeah, he’s got advantage, that’s what it means, we’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons for two years!

Stuart: Then I will hold onto my clipboard and run across those boards--

Griffin: Are you fucking jumping over Merle?

Stuart: Uh, yeah! No, I mean, I’ll tap him on the shoulder and say “great job” and then keep running.

Griffin: OK.

Clint: And I’ll raise up at the worst possible moment--whack!

Justin: While this is all going on I cast fucking levitate on myself

Griffin: OK.

Justin: and I float across the lava like a grown man.

Griffin: OK! [Audience applause.]

Justin: Or in this case, elf.

Griffin: It is effortless.

Justin: I guess, as the case may be.

Griffin: It is effortless. Woop! Taako just goes across.

Stuart: I got a 17 for my athletics roll.

Griffin: OK! Yeah, and you’re--what’re you doing? What is the--interaction between Merle and you on the bridge?

Stuart: I say:



Clint: And with that encouragement, I clear the rest of the planks. [Stuart laughs.]

Griffin: Uh, no, you can make another acrobatics roll to finish crossing the rest of it.

Clint: How far--

Justin: He should get advantage on it because that was very motivational!

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Uh, you--the check will be lower than 10, I’ll say that.

Clint: OK!

Griffin: Between the--

Clint: Thank God! … But I have advantage, though, didn’t that--

Justin: Nooo.

Griffin: No dawg, what’d you roll?

Stuart: Can I enhance his ability with Enhance Ability?

Griffin: Yeah, sure!

Stuart: I enhance his ability.

Griffin: What does it mean?

Stuart: Uhh, I think he has--wait. Uh, he has… uh… [singsong] wait a second following effects some kind of thing that I don’t know!

Travis [laughing]: It doesn’t say anything great, Brad!

Stuart: You didn’t fill out my damn card! I guess it gives him advantage.

Griffin: Alright, your acrobatic--wait, and roll your--do you have an instrument? What is your instrument, Brad the Bard?

Stuart: It’s oratory. [Griffin breaks into laughter.]

Stuart: Clearly!

Travis: Brad did a lot of speech and debate in high school!

Griffin: So when you--when you--so this whole time when you’re like ‘hey keep it up!’ that’s literally you casting magic spells.

Stuart: Exactly!

Griffin: That’s fucking amazing. OK, so, roll it again, and you have a plus 2 on your roll. [Long pause as Clint rolls.]

Travis: It’s a 14.

Justin: Do you want different dice? I love you very much. Do you--

Griffin: Do you need different eyeballs?!

Clint: I don’t have my glasses! Fourteen!

Travis: Could you please pass my dad his glasses? Thank you.

Clint: Thank you, honey.

Griffin: There you go.

Travis: We’ll be here all day.

Griffin: It’s a family show. I already know it’s a 14 plus--

Justin: Hey look, it’s the Spectacles of You Should’ve Had Those In The First Place!

Griffin: Oh yeah, that’s part of the costume--

Justin: The legendary spectacles!

Clint: 14!

Griffin: Alright, yeah, you make it across the bridge. All of you have cleared the first Trial of Teamwork! [Audience cheers.]

Travis: Thank you.

Clint: Without manifesting a single shred of teamwork!

Griffin: Well, that’s not true!

Clint: Except for Brent.

Griffin: Over the--over the loudspeaker-- [break for audience laughter]

Stuart: Almost right on the first try, it’s Brad, you’ll get it next time.

Clint: Brad. [Griffin laughs.]

Travis: Onward! Magnus runs ahead!

Clint: Woo!

Griffin: Over the loudspeaker you hear:



Griffin: Um, I could use a pen if anybody has one? It’s not important, but uh, I just need a pen--well, you’ll need that pen for--yeah, that’s great, can I borrow that? Thank you! I’ll return it.

Clint: No he won’t.

Griffin: I need to keep track of your Teamwork Penalties. TPs: 1. Uh, OK! He says:



[Audience laughter.]



Justin: Uh, I was about to say using character voices, but he kinda cut my legs out from underneath me on that one.



[Audience coos.]

Travis: Bleh. [Audience laughs.]



Griffin: [laughs] OK! You are on the second trial, and you’re standing in front of a smooth wooden wall. It’s about 15 feet tall and 10 feet wide. It’s several feet deep as well, and those are the dimensions of the wall, everybody! And um, it’s built--it’s built into the floor and it’s pretty sturdy and the loudspeaker clicks on and you hear Art say:



Clint: Your dies?

Travis: Can I jump up it?

Griffin (incredulous): What the fuck is wrong with you guys not understanding jumping abilities?!

Travis: 15 feet isn’t that much!

Griffin: 15 feet is one and a half stories!

Clint: I almost did 30!

Travis: Here’s what I’m gonna do! I’m gonna jump and then plant Railsplitter in and pull myself the rest of the way up.

Griffin: OK, yeah, that works. Then actually this would be--make an attack roll on the wall. This should be better for you!

Travis: That’s a 5 plus 9. 14.

Griffin: I mean it’s a wall, so yeah, you get a--

Travis: It’s not gonna dodge!

Griffin: You jump and get it in there and then uh, make a, make an athletics roll to finish climbing the rest of the way up. [Justin gentle beatboxing as rolling and math happens]

Travis: 13?

Griffin: Yeah, you’re good. Uh, you, uh--

Travis: Plus 8! 21!

Griffin: You manage to go up. Quick question though, do you take the axe with you?

Travis: Yeah! I’m not fucking leaving Railsplitter down there!

Griffin (delighted): Fucking wonderful. You take this handle that you installed in the wall for yourself and you reach the top of the wall by yourself!

Travis: I’m. I might drop a rope?

Griffin: You don’t have any items with you other than your weapons.

Travis: Not even a- you said magic items! I don’t have a rope?

Griffin: Ropes are pretty magical if you think about it! You can tie two things together, you can--there’s all kinds of stuff you can do with a rope!

Travis: [crosstalk] OK, I lay down--I lay down on my stomach and kinda, y’know, lower an arm down.

Griffin: Oh, that’s really sweet of you. Uh, OK, uh, what’s everybody else doing?

Clint: What’s the--what’s the wall made out of?

Griffin: Wood.

Stuart: And we’ve gotta go--what now--13 feet up?

Travis: I’ve got about 3--

Griffin: How long are your arms?!



Justin: I cast Reduce. Which is second-level transmutation, on the wall!

Griffin: OK! [Griffin and the audience laugh.]

Griffin: OK! You--you are reducing--what does that do?

Justin: I mean, I can cause an object within range to grow smaller or larger for the duration.

Griffin: Does it say how small--how small are you making this wall?

Justin: Uh--

Clint: Better make it about 2 feet.

Justin: It literally doesn’t say.

Griffin: Alright, then you tell me, dawg! How big’s the wall now?

Justin: It’s, uh. It’s two feet tall. Just enough to be adorable.

Clint: Like a Malibu Barbie Dream House.

Justin: Now everybody gets over the wall.

Griffin: OK, uh… OK, you shrink the--

Travis: Well, fuck me, I guess!

Griffin: Yeah, you shrink--yeah, here’s a, fuck you double, the wall shrinks very fast and Magnus, you like, you were on your chest when it shrinks, and so when the wall just is suddenly 8 feet shorter, you fall 8 feet and land on your ribs on the corner of the wooden wall and you take 7 damage! [Audience laughs, claps.]

Travis: Can I see your pen, Brad?

Justin: I was trying to do good!

Griffin: Uh, OK! The wall is now 2 feet tall, you can. Now, just because you guys have some trouble with spatial stuff, that’s tall enough to climb over easily.

{~28:53}

[Audience laughs]

Stuart: As I climb over I rub Magnus’s shoulder and whisper,



Stuart: And cast Healing Word.

Griffin: Oh nice! [Audience awws]

Justin: [incredulously, talking over Stuart] Is this what it’s like to play Dungeon and Dragons with a competent person!?



Griffin: Uh, okay.



[All laughing and exclaiming]

Griffin: [Laughing] Wait! Holy shit!

Travis: Hold on!

Griffin: Brad, that’s how deep it goes? That’s how deep your well of motivation goes?



[All laughing]

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you, uh, you, you clear this wall, and--

Clint: I haven’t cleared it yet.

Griffin: Oh, okay. It’s two feet tall. What are you doing?

Justin: Let’s make a fuckin’ three act play out of it.

Clint: I wanna jump over it!

Griffin: All right, you’re jumpin’ over it, here we go!

Travis: Three.

Clint: [echoes] Three.

Griffin: You fuckin’ hit your feet on the wall and you fall over it and land on your face for four damage. [Audience hooting, laughing]

Travis: [muffled] So bad!

Griffin: Taako.

Clint: Try to have a little panache...

Justin: [weary from the depths of his soul] What. What?

Griffin: What do you do? Do you just…

Justin: [exasperated] I walk over the wall that I shrunk. With magic.

Griffin: Alright. Uh, you, uh. You make it over the wall.

Justin: And I can’t-- I literally, not a joke, kick Merle in his fuckin’ ribs, ‘cause I’m so, so angry at him. But I have a soft shoe. It’s not damage inducing, just-- I’m so mad.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I can live with it.

Travis: I trip-- I trip Taako as he goes over for hurting my ribs. [Griffin, audience laughing]

Griffin: [laughing] Oh god. Alright. Alright. Taako, Taako, [laughing] make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: It’s a seven.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, you fall over!

Justin: Plus!

Clint: Plus!

Justin: Plus! Three.

Griffin: Uh, okay, I’d say that does it. Ten, ten’ll clear it.

Justin: [sucks teeth] A little stumble, but I regain my balance.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re fine. Uh.

Stuart: I’m taking a lot of notes at this point.

{~30:56}

Griffin: Yeah… Art actually chimes in, he’s like:



[Audience laughs]



Griffin: You’re onto the third trial.



[Audience Laughs]



Griffin: So you’re onto the third trial, and immediately in front of you is this, a fifteen foot high wall, another one. A separate fifteen foot high wall that I definitely planned for. No, fuck it, we gotta do, [Clint laughing] I gotta respect the fiction.

It’s the same wall that you were just standing on that you shrank down, this now two foot high wall. Off the back of this wall, is a set of now very small stairs leading back down to the ground, but the majority of the backside of this wall is now just a ledge with a two foot drop. And the loud speaker chirps on, and he goes,



[Griffin, audience laughs]

[Justin laughs loudly]



Travis: Magnus falls off it.

Griffin: [laughing] Ok, just,



Griffin: Ok, the falling style here is like backwards, not looking.

Travis: Full on.

Griffin: [exasperated] So you just fall backwards off the back off the wall.

Travis: I trust everyone.

Griffin: Ok…

Travis: Wait, hold on, give them a chance.

{33:09}

[Silence]

Griffin: Who!?

Travis: My friends.

Griffin: They’re not-- [sputters] there waiting to catch you! Everybody’s by the wa--

Travis: It’s two feet. They could do it.

Griffin: Uh. You fall, but it’s just two feet so you don’t take any damage. But now you’re in catching position for everybody else. [pause] Who’s-- who’s going?

Justin: [sounding extremely done] Me. I fall. [Laughter]

Justin: He catches me. We all move on with our lives. [Laughter]

Griffin: Make a strength check.

Travis: Fifteen plus eight.

Griffin: You super catch Taako.



Travis: I throw him over my shoulder!



Stuart: I kinda push Merle out of the way, ‘cause I want to do it.

Griffin: Okay! [Audience laughing]



Griffin: [under his breath] Oh, dea-- [louder] The ol’ Brad’s got a dark side!



Stuart: And I arms-wide-open back into Magnus’s arms.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I move. [Audience gives loud, surprised “Oooh!”s]

Griffin: Do you really?

Travis: [to audience] It’s two feet! He’s gonna be fine! [back into mic] I’ve already got Taako over one shoulder.

Stuart: No, no. It’s cool. It’s cool. It’s fine.

Griffin: Uh. Yeah, Brad, yeah. You fall on your back, Brad. And you don’t take any damage, but it’s embarrassing.

Justin: [pained] Oh no! [Clint cackles]

Stuart: I’ve been embarrassed before.

Griffin: Yeah.



[Clint continues laughing]



Travis: Suddenly Magnus feels very bad. [Laughter]

Griffin: You, uh, you--

Travis: As does Travis. [Laughter]

Griffin: You actually fall. When you fall you land on some gum on the floor and it gets in your ponytail.

Stuart: Noo-oh! [Audience “no”ing with him]

Stuart: Uh. I quickly pull some peanut butter out of my pocket that I keep--

Griffin: You don’t have any items!

Stuart: Oh no! My magic peanut butter?

Travis: No, it’s just -- it’s just loose peanut butter.



Griffin: [laughs] Yeah, you’ve got a corrupted body part!



Stuart: So I hold my arm over my eyes, so I don’t have to see my beautiful ponytail --

Griffin: [horrified] Oh my god.

Stuart: --shorn from my head. And I say,



Travis: I just… I just pull his hair out of the gum. It’s not. It’s not, like, a thing. I don’t have to cut it off.

Griffin: It’s super in there.

Clint: And I want you to look at this. [Audience crows, a yell of “Oh my god!” rings over the sound, appreciative clapping, presumably Clint is gesturing to his arm?] Alright? Look at this. Alright. Make sure you know what’s comin’.

Griffin: Make an attack roll? On Brad’s hair.

Travis: I want you to know. I’m aiming for the very end, where the gum is, so I don’t have to cut off the whole thing.

Griffin: Yeah. It takes a long-- How long did it take you--

Clint: [crosstalk] So lay it on his chest!

Griffin: Hold on! Wait, before you roll -- some backstory. How long you been workin’ on this ponytail, dog?

Stuart: Twenty-five years.

Griffin: Jesus!

Travis: I am aiming for the very last inch that’s stuck in the gum.

Griffin: Okay. Go ahead and roll. [dice]

Griffin: [into silence] Oh, god.

Travis: It’s a twenty. It’s a crit twenty. [cheers, clapping, Justin shouts “Yeah!”]

Griffin: Holy shit! Like a fucking samurai with Hattori Hanzo steel you-- in slow motion you watch each hair be severed and it flows away in the wind. And it leaves you with a lot of ponytail.



Griffin: Uh, Taako, did you trust fall already?

Justin: Uh, yeah. Remember...?

Travis: I got ‘em.

Griffin: Oh, that’s right. Alright. We’re all, we’re all, oh. Merle.

Clint: I’m gonna jump over it... [Stuart laughs]

Clint: Backwards. [Audience laughing, someone breathing loud.]

Clint: So, jump. Jump backwards.

Griffin: So like a trust jump.

Clint: A trust jump. What do I roll?

Justin: On the ground. You roll on the ground.

Griffin: The rule of thumb is, are you flipping? ‘Cause if you’re flipping it’s acrobatics.

Clint: Yeah, I flipped.

Griffin: Okay, what’d you get?

Clint: Uh, fourteen.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, you just jump over Magnus and you land on the floor and you didn’t really trust fall, but it was cool.



Travis: I--! That was good, though.

Griffin: It was good stuff. [Justin breaks in, singing a melody to transition into the commercial break.]

{Commercial Break: 37:34- 42:58}

Griffin: Alright, you’re onto the fourth trial. A few feet past the trust fall platform you see a small metal statue on a wooden pedestal and the statue depicts four adventurers: an armored dwarven fighter, a devout elven cleric, a bookish human wizard, and a guitar-wielding orc, all laughing and high-fiving each other, obviously a symbol of successful teamwork. From the loudspeaker you hear Art say:



[Audience Laughter]

Clint: So we have to say something nice?

Travis: Nope, constructive.

Griffin: [Exasperated] No, it’s the Totem of Constructive Criticism! [Audience Laughs]

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Who’s going first? [Silence]

[Audience Laughter]

Justin: You know I saw we had some cosplay in the audience today-

Griffin: Who’s going- Okay, we’re actually at about forty five, fifty minutes right now, so-

Travis: Okay, okay, I put my hand on it and I say



Griffin: Okay, wait, as you touch it. As you touch the statue, one of the four heroes lights up. And the hero that lights up for you, Magnus, is the human wizard. So you have to give a piece of constructive criticism for Taako.



Travis: Oh dick!



[Audience Laughs]



[Audience Laughs]

Griffin: Okay, that-



Griffin: That part of the statue turns gold, and he actually turns to give you a thumbs-up.

Travis: Nailed it!

Griffin: Who’s next?

Justin: Me.

Griffin: Taako, you touch the statue, and the cleric lights up [Justin: Fuck] You need to give a piece of constructive criticism for Merle. [Silence, followed by audience laughter]

[Justin laughs]

Travis: I just want to remind you that this is our Daddy.

Griffin: It’s our Da- Hey Justin, it’s our Daddy though.

Justin: Yeah, [audience laughs] no no no no no.



[Griffin and Audience laugh]



[Audience laughs]

Griffin: And with that the elven cleric turns gold and gives you a big thumbs-up. Who’s next?

Clint: I’ll go.

Griffin: Merle, you



Griffin: You touch the statue and the dwarven fighter lights up, and you need to give a constructive criticism for Magnus.

Travis: For your middlest boy. [Griffin: For your-]

Justin: [laughing] Wait is Brad gonna have to compliment himself? [Audience laughter]

Griffin: [Also laughing] We’ll see. Constructive criticism for Magnus.



[Audience laughter]



Griffin: Alright, like that the dwarven fighter turns gold, gives you a big thumbs-up, and all that’s left is Brad.

Stuart: I go up-



Stuart: I go up and touch the statue.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, the orc bard lights up and you need to just sort of give yourself, just sort of do a quick sort of--

Stuart: Some self inventory.

Griffin: Yeah debrief yourself on how it’s been going so far and what you could do better.



Clint: I think of Stuart on Saturday Night Live looking in the mirror.



Griffin: Jesus.



[Silence]

Griffin: Okay yeah, the orc turns gold and gives you a big thumbs-up. [Travis laughs] And Art chimes in and says:



Griffin: Uh, alright the fifth and final trial. You're standing in front of a large cobblestone wall and again this wall is mostly styrofoam, like a, like a theatrical set. There's uh, a door, a semi-circular door, and a crudely painted sign hanging over the door that marks it as the entrance into The Arena. And you hear Art say,



[Audience & Travis laughs]

Travis: Magnus rushes in.

Griffin: You open the door-

Travis: To be fair, I didn't say that, I wanna run right through the door.

Griffin: You can, yeah, it's- it's essentially, uh, foam.

Travis: I wanna leave a Magnus shaped hole in the door.

Griffin: You just knock the door completely down, uhm, and uh, Art, Arts like,



Griffin: And this arena is absolutely clown town. There are some large foam geometric shapes scattered around the arena almost like it's like a laser tag arena. Um, and the whole thing is encircled in this styrofoam wall, and in the middle of this McDonaldLand play place is a large person wearing a costume designed to make them look like a skeletal dragon, but it's really just like a child's skeleton costume from the neck down, like a black sort of suit with bones on it and like a spooky skeleton dragon mask on top, and he goes:



Travis: Magnus sees red. [Audience laughs]

Griffin: [laughs] U-uh, he's got a, he's got a bucket, and he starts reaching in and getting these little foam balls out and throwing them at all of you.

Travis: Magnus tackles him.

Griffin: Heh, Actually everyone make a dex save to avoid these, fireballs he's throwing.

Justin: [snort-laughs? snickers?] Three.

Clint: What, uh, what am I rolling?

Justin: [unison] A d20-

Griffin: [unison] A d20,

Clint: -a 20.

Travis: [Referring to Clint’s roll] One!

Clint: Oh my god!

Travis: I rolled a 19, er a 17 plus [unintelligible]

Griffin: The joke here was supposed to be that you're just getting hit by little foam balls thrown at you by a man in a skeleton costume, but with a one, I think you actually are gonna take some damage. [Audience laughter] You take nine points of damage from a-

Clint: [yells] WHAT? WAIT-

Griffin: It hits you in the- it hits you in the throat.

Clint: Did it have railroad spikes stickin' out of it?

Griffin: It hits you in the throat and you get the wind knocked out of you and you take nine points of damage.

Travis: Wow

Clint: Shiiiit.

Travis: You know that wind [Clint: Shoot, shoot.] doesn't live in your throat, right?

Griffin: Huh? [Audience laughter]

Travis: You get hit in the throat and the wind- doesn't matter.

Griffin: Do you [Clint] need me to keep track of your health or you need help with your iPad?

Clint: Let him have his fun… No, I got it.

Griffin: Okay, and uh, so you have this skeleton man throwing- Did you- Everybody, oh- Taako, you got hit by styrofoam balls, but it's fine. [crosstalk]

Stuart: I- I rolled a 19.

Griffin: Oh, you fuckin', [makes whooshing noises] It's awesome.

Stuart: Are you Matrix-ing over there?

Griffin: Yeah- yeah that was supposed to be Matrix-ing. Uh, what do you do?



Griffin: This conversations happening-



[Audience laughter]

Justin: I pick up a ball and throw it at the... skel-skelly.

Griffin: Uh, alright, do a ranged attack throw and add-

Justin: [yikes-laughter] First one of those bad boys. Let's see how this goes: Not great. Uh, ten?

Griffin: Uh, no you don't hit him with a ten.

Travis: Okay, I try it.

Griffin: Alright, you pick up a ball.

Travis: It's a... two?

Griffin: Jesus, guys! The wheels are falling off this-

Travis: It's hard to throw foam balls!

Clint: What'd you roll, Ben?

Stuart: I rolled a two... [Audience laughter]

Griffin: Jesus.

Clint: Eighteen! [Audience cheering, clapping] YES!

Griffin: Alright you throw a- you throw a foam ball at him and you hit him in the throat. And you hear him go



Griffin: and he falls down to the floor. And you have-



Griffin: And you have conquered Skelly the Skeletal Dragon.



Stuart: I cast Healing Word on the skeleton.

Griffin: Awww.



Griffin: Alright, he stands up and says:



Griffin: And he starts throwing foam balls at all of you again.

[Audience laughter]



Clint: I cast Enhance Ability on Skelly the Skeleton.

Griffin: Okay? [Audience laughter][Travis: I punch Merle in the-] He starts throwing the balls at you much harder.



[Audience laughter throughout]

Clint: He's not throwing at me!

Griffin: [Makes rapid throwing noises]



[Audience laughs]

Travis: I still have my shield, right?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. Alright, you block with the shield.

Stuart: I'm getting hit by balls.

Griffin: You're just getting hit by balls. Anybody wanna take initiative here?

Travis: I swing... Railsplitter at the guy in a costume? [Audience ooh-ing]

Stuart: What?

Griffin: Okay-

Justin: Let's- [Crosstalk]

Stuart: [Crosstalk] Oh my god.

Griffin: [Crosstalk] Yeah, no, roll a d20!

Travis: Non- Non-lethal damage.

Clint: Can you specify that?

Travis: That's a 19.

Justin: Oh no!

Travis: Plus 9, that's a 28.

Clint: So he non-lethally hits him for 28-

Travis: No, n- no that's not the damage.

Griffin: Yeah roll [laughing] damage.

Stuart: Yeah roll damage. Roll damage on this guy in a costume. [Audience & Justin laughing]

Clint: Who's a co worker.

Justin: [Laughing] Wait, okay wait, I need you to justify this from a character perspective. Why are you hitting a man with an axe? [Griffin laughing] They have a word for that and it's murderer.

Travis: To be fair, he's throwing shit at us. I'm hitting him with the blunt side.

Griffin: Okay, okay that works.

Clint: Oh yeah, that won't hurt him.

Travis: It's 11 damage.

Griffin: Okay, uh, where do you hit him?

Clint: In the nards.

Travis: [Strained] On the noggin.

Griffin: On the noggin? Okay-

Stuart: Woah, yeah, the- the soft spot.

Griffin: [Laughs] He f-

Travis: Listen, you're not asking Travis, you're asking Magnus.

Griffin: He falls to the ground like a sack of bricks. Uh, and you hear him go like:



Stuart: I start prepping another healing word.



[Audience laughter]

Griffin: Uh, and with that you've beaten the fifth trial! And, uh, behind you, behind the dragon, I should say, another sort of fake, set, portcullis opens up, which opens up into a staircase leading up to the final chamber! Uh, and you come to a small room with a large wooden treasure chest with a bright light shining down from on top of it, but again you can kinda tell it's like a prop treasure chest, uh, that you might get at a Fantasy Target, or something, to decorate a dorm room, maybe? Uh, and yeah that's all that's in this room is this treasure chest.



Travis: That's Magnus.

Griffin: Okay.



Clint: Was that a character voice?

Travis: Yeah,



Travis: I open the chest.



Griffin: Okay,



Griffin: All four of you all at the same time- Are you on twitter over there Taako?



Griffin: You, uh, you open up the chest and a spring loaded scroll pops out and unfurls, and the word "friendship" is written on the scroll. [Audience laughter] And a spurt of confetti comes out of the chest.



Griffin: You hear, uh- [Audience laughter & applause]

Griffin: You hear Art's voice say, um:



Griffin: The ground beneath you-

Clint: Ooooooh god. [Audience laughter]

Griffin: -disappears. And all four of you somehow fall perfectly into a hole positioned, directly underneath you, and you're going down a long spiralling slide, a fully enclosed tube like a waterslide, and after, uh, a minute or so of sliding all four of you pop out of holes in the wall of a new room. It's roughly the size of the one that you were just in, but there's something different about it? The make of this room feels more authentic, like an actual dungeon, uh, you've been in dungeons before, this one feels more real and less like a set-

Griffin: Yeah, I actually- Y'know what, I say that? This may be our first dungeon and that was our first dragon. We've done it.

Clint: We've never been in a dungeon.

Griffin: Uh, it has the familiar sulfur-y, dungeon-y smell, uh, you're- you notice some other things.

Travis: Yeah you get some some bleach in there, you can take that right out.

Griffin: You notice some other weird things. Brad, you don't notice anything in, in peculiar. Taako, you're standing up, but you feel like your vantage point is lower to the ground than usual. And Merle, the inverse is true for you, you're taller than you've ever been. And Magnus, you see Merle, and you see Brad, and you see yourself. I'm gonna need you guys to trade character sheets. [Audience cheering]

Griffin: Taako, you realize you are now Merle Highchurch, the Dwarven Cleric. Uh, Merle, you are now Magnus Burnsides, Human Fighter. [Travis: It’s magic!] And, Magnus you are now Taako, the Elven Wizard.

Travis: ...Should we trade costumes, too? [Griffin laughs]

Clint: I'll use any excuse to strip.

Travis: I'm gonna- That's true, that's how I got through college. Can I get those cards, please? I'll tell you about it when you're older.

Clint: I'm not gonna get any older.

Travis: Are you gonna die today!?

Griffin: Does everybody have their new character sheets? This is why I said to have all of your character sheets good and ready because other people are going to be using them. Are we all good to go?

Travis: Yes...

Stuart: I'm doing great.

Griffin: Yeah, Brad, you're still just Brad, still Brad-din’ it up

Stuart: Yeah just Brad-din’ it out.

Justin: I'm not wearing the hand but you can- I'm not wearing the hand but you can take it off if you want.

Griffin: How, uh, how do you all respond to b- So uh- I wanna make it clear-

Travis: [unintelligible] I immediately fire off a spell.

Griffin: Okay, what d'you- What do you cast?

Travis: I don't know. [Crosstalk] Dominate Person.

Justin: [Crosstalk] Hey d'you wanna- Well I wanna ask-

Travis: It was the first spell on the top of the pile.

Griffin: Alright, who do you cast it on?

Travis: ...Brad. [Audience laughs]

Griffin: Alright, because you've never cast magic before in your brain, you do have a magical body and this magical staff, you manage to cast it. It doesn't last very long, but you do definitely control the mind of Brad for like 2 seconds, uhh, and Brad that's not a good feeling I don't think.

Clint: Make him cuss, make him say something really dirty.

Travis: He says "fart."



Griffin: Alright. [Audience laughs]

Griffin: I figured that this would be about 5 minutes of the show, does anyone else have anything they wanna do with anybody's bodies.

Justin: Hey- D'you wanna wear my hair?

Travis: Yeah. D'you wanna wear mine?

Griffin: Uh, Taako, uh, or I should say Merle, how do you respond to being out of the Taako body and into the Merle body, Justin.

Justin: Uhh, what am I?

Griffin:  You're Merle.

Justin: [Taako voice] "UUGH-" Wait, do I have a character voice?

Griffin: Yeah, I think so- [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Sometimes-

Clint: [crosstalk] Don't use it, though.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Same character voice, coming out of different bodies.



Griffin: Uh,

Clint: I am so changing my will.

Travis: That's not my voice.

Griffin: Yeah Magnus how do you, er- Dad, how do you, Merle, like being in Magnus' form? [Silence]

Griffin: Alright.

Clint: What is your voice?

Griffin: It’s gruff. It's like a gruff boy.

Travis: It's manly and gravely and gruff.

Clint: Um, uh, [laughs] oh no, I can't- yeah, uhm. [Magnus voice] I look down, and I guess I've been swimming.

Griffin: Aw man, he did a wiener joke on you! [Audience laughs]

Travis: That's not- Listen-

Clint: Did you hear all the shit he said about me!

Travis: Listen, I'm just gonna say, that's non-canonical.

Griffin: Magnus,

Justin: [Taako voice] Well, I will say one- [voice falters] one-

Travis: That's not your voice.

Griffin: Hey Justin, use your fucking character voice, dog.

Clint: Yeah! Get your character voice! Get your shit together! [Audience laughs and cheers]



Justin: Oh, that's better, that's more like-



Griffin: And, uh, Magnus, I imagine you enjoy your magical capabilities, it's all you, really.



Griffin: Okay, uh, let's move on to the first trial of this new trial chamber. You step in and it looks familiar, except again like, it looks real- it looks like a real dungeon. And it's um, it's kinda warm in here and it doesn't take you long to realize what the source of that heat is.

Immediately in front of you is the balance beam trial you navigated earlier, five six and a half foot long planks of wood resting on metal poles that form a thirty long-- foot long zig-zag path, but there's no red carpet behind this-- underneath this path. Instead, there's a shallow trench, filled with glowing, steaming, molten rock. The floor is actually, literally lava.

Clint: Magnus rushes in. [Audience cheering & clapping]

Justin: As- as he's rushing in I cast Enhance Ability-

Griffin: Oh, shit.

Justin: -on that Magnus. Uh, I'm giving him Cat's Grace.

Griffin: Okay. I think that's +2 to acrobatics, so go ahead and roll, roll your roll. Are you just running across the whole span of the bridge?

Clint: Yes!

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: ...which one?

Griffin: The twenty-- one with the number tonty on it.

Clint: Wow, it really-- Nineteen! [Audience cheering]

Griffin: Yeah, you-

Clint: Plus! Plus, some other stuff...

Griffin: A shit-ton, yeah. You soar across the bridge, you easily make it across to the other side, of the gap.

Justin: Yeah I think Dad is well prepared to navigate someone else's character sheet. [Stuart laughs]

Griffin: Yeah.



[Audience laughs]

Clint: [crosstalk] You have a-

Travis: [crosstalk] That is my classic catchphrase.

Clint: [crosstalk] -you have a catchphrase, yeah.



Griffin: Uh what's everybody else- what's everybody else doin'?

Travis: I'm gonna cast Levitate-

Griffin: Oh a- aw you- you're stealin'

Travis: -on Merle's body.

Griffin: Ohh, okay. So that's T-t-Justin. Okay, Justin, uh, you, Merle, are now floating in the air!

Travis: And, push him over the thing.

Griffin: Alright,



[Stuart & Audience laughing]

Griffin: Alright, that just leaves you, Taako, and Brad.

Travis: And I'm gonna cast Phantom Steed-

Griffin: Oh, shit! [Audience cheering & Clint laughing]

Griffin: No, wait! Don't clap yet! How is a horse gonna help you, phantom or not, how is a horse gonna help you do this?!



Griffin: Alright, suddenly right in front of you is this spectral stee-



[Audience laughter]



Griffin: You're jumping--



Griffin: So, you're gonna make Garyl jump 30 feet-?

Travis: I'm just so excited to have magic.

Griffin: O-kay. You mount up on Garyl's spectral back and- What are you doing? You jum- you jumping?

Justin: Should you mention- I mean I should clarify if you haven't listened before. Garyl is the world's most beautiful binicorn, he's a unicorn with two horns and they're both rainbows and he's fuckin’- the best character in the whole thing.



Griffin: Yeah, let's poop or get off the pot here, Trav.

Travis: Uh, I'm gonna cast Reduce on Garyl, and put him in my pocket. [Griffin & Audience laughing]

Griffin: Alright, tiny Garyl, what's that sound like?



Travis: And I run across the boards!

Griffin: [laughing] Okay, make a fucking acrobatics roll, you've just wasted so much time!

Travis: [rolls] ...that's a four! [Audience Ooh-ing]

Travis: Plus three,

Griffin: That is not- that is not adequate. Uh, you fall, make a-



Griffin: You make a dex save for me as you teeter off- you make it about halfway off the bridge and you lose your balance and go off the right side.

Clint: That's a twenty, he rolled.

Travis: That's a seventeen,

Griffin: Okay, you manage to catch yourself off the edge on the thing, you are now hanging off of the balance beam bridge, uh-



Clint: He's dangling over a pit of lava.

Griffin: [laughs] Yeah, he's really dangling over lava.

Stuart: I start walking over the bridge,

Griffin: Okay.



Stuart: I reach down to give him a hand.

Griffin: Make a-

Travis: I use the Umbra Staff to do Feather Fall on myself.

Stuart: Into the lava?

Clint: You're gonna fall into the lava!

Travis: No no no, it makes me really light so he can pick me up.

Griffin: Yeah, I think it makes him lighter. Alright, so roll a, uh, ac- what would be lift-? I guess a strength check with advantage, 'cause you're also kinda keeping your balance?

Stuart: [Breathes in] Not really good at that.

Griffin: Well, you have advantage so you can roll 2 'cause he's made himself very, very light. [Stuart rolls] Oh boy.

Stuart: Sixteen.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you get him back up onto the bridge and then the- all of you have crossed the bridge to the other side. You just got your life saved by Brad.

Stuart: I pat him on the butt.

Griffin: Okay. [Audience cheering & applause]

Justin: Brad files a report on himself.

Clint: Inappropriate touching.

Griffin: We're at trial two. Uh-



Griffin: You give Garyl to Brad?

Travis: I did.

Griffin: Alright.

Stuart: I take Garyl, I say:



Clint: Oh Garyl’s not gonna put up with that shit. [Silence]...I guess he is-



Griffin: Uh, you are standing in front of another fifteen foot high wall, uh, this one is metal, not wood, and, uh, it's- it's not totally smooth, though. It's got these small circular cutouts that are just shallow enough to get kind of a finger hold in.

Um, so it's gonna be tricky to climb up this thing, but it's doable, but in front of the wall are two small crates and sitting on top of each one is a strange apparatus that looks like two belts attached by a ten foot long cord, uh, and they look like a pair of belt handcuffs essentially and there's two of these, uh, and, uh, there's one pair of these tethered belts on each box, and you hear Art say:



Stuart: I jump forward, and look at you all expectantly.

Griffin: Oh my god.



[pause]

Justin: Wait-

Griffin: Wait, this is getting very confusing.

Justin: Wait this is getting so fucking confusing.

Griffin: So you are teaming up with Taako's body?

Stuart: I- wait- maybe? No, I was teaming up with Magnus' body.

Griffin: Okay, you're teaming up with Magnus' body, [crosstalk] that has Merle in it.

Justin: [crosstalk] No- I- Brad-

Griffin: Holy shit. Start over, who's teaming up with who in this?

Justin: Okay, Ma- Merle-body said Taako-body should go with Brad-Brad,

Stuart: Oooh.

Justin: 'Cause Brad- 'cause Merle-

Griffin: Two people raise your hands right now! That's one, that's two. We got it, there it is. [Audience cheering] Taako and Brad are Team #1. Uh, you all strap on these belts and you are tethered by a ten foot long cord. What are you- let's get up that wall.

Travis: Cool. I cast-



Griffin: To do what?

Travis: To carry us up!

Griffin: ...Oh god. [Audience laughter & Travis chuckling]

Clint: It's very Roger Rabbit.

Griffin: Okay, no, let's do this because we've gone so long. Uh, gross, metal hands like that one super creepy scene in The Labyrinth, [Travis: Yup] just kinda like- [Audience laughter]

Travis: [goofy voice] Do you guys wanna ride?

Griffin: Uh, you ride up and-



Griffin: The two of you have made it on top of the wall and as soon as you get to the top, your belts fall off and you are untethered and you have cleared the trial. Uh, Merle and Magnus- [Audience cheering]

Clint: I grab- [Loudly] I grab-!

Justin: [crosstalk] No, no, nope, no, no.

Travis: [crosstalk] He's not louder-

Griffin: [crosstalk] He doesn't just yell all the time.

Justin: No you wouldn't- if you wouldn't [crosstalk]

Clint: [crosstalk] Got it- to go a little raspy-?

Justin: Like, okay, let me show- lemme give you an example. 'I pat my Dad on the shoulder.' Like, I don't have to do that, I just patted you on the shoulder. So like you can just say that normally.

Clint: Okay so when I talk about what I'm doing I can just do it- I can just do it normal.

Justin: Right, you just do it normal.

Griffin: What are you guys gonna do to get over this wall, by the way?

Clint: [Merle voice] Okay, I, uh..

Justin: What the fuck.

Travis: Now you do that voice.

Justin: Die a thousand deaths.

Clint: I rush over and I grab Merle's short, but really well sculpted body. [Audience laughs]

Griffin: [laughs] Sure,

Clint: And I notice he's been workin' out-

Griffin: Excellent, excellent, excellent.

Clint: And I throw that lil' pecker right over the wall

Griffin: Are you putting on the belt?



Griffin: Are you putting on the be-

Clint: Yes!

Griffin: Okay, you have the belts on, and you throw him up, ten feet, and then the cord snaps and it pulls you forward and the you smash into the wall and then he falls ten feet. And both of you take, 7 points of damage. [Audience laughter]

Clint: ...But it was funny, right?

Griffin: It was super fucking funny,

Clint: It wa- It was pretty funny, if you admit it.



[Justin & Audience laughing]

Justin: Okay, uh, lemme try-

Clint: So I'm dead now, right?

Griffin: No, you're not dead.

Travis: You're in my body.

Clint: Oh Magnus-! Oh, okay.

Travis: I have a lot of hit points.

Clint: Okay, smartass, what're you gonna do?

Justin: Uhm, I'm gonna turn around to the wall,

Griffin: Yeah,

Justin: And I'm gonna cast Flame Strike on the wall.

Griffin: Shit, okay.

Justin: Yeah. "A vertical column of divine fire roars" [starts to laugh] "from the heavens in a location that's specified."

Griffin: Guys, they're standing on top of the fucking wall! [Audience laughs]

Justin: Wait, we are trying to get to the top, aren't we? Let me try again.

Griffin: No, I mean, you gotta do it now.

Justin: I don't have to do anyth- Okay I f- fire the ceiling, I'm like:



Justin: And I pro- I hope Art's office is directly above us, and just a column of divine flame just shot through his floor.

Griffin: Okay,

Clint: Do I really have a spell like that? [Audience laughing and cheering]

Justin: Alright, I'm gonna summon the one person that can help us.

Clint: Aw, good.

Justin: Della Reese.

Clint: Della Reese.

Griffin: Okay, [Audience cheering] I'm gonna- I'm gonna get through this quickly. You summon a guardian angel that looks like Della Reese and she gives you a comforting hug and then- I think, grabs you by the tethering cord?

Justin: That's a thing, and it picks us up.

Griffin: Yeah, like- well, like, she picks you up by the tethering cord so you two kind of slap together like nunchucks or something.

Clint: Like those knockers you get at Myrtle Beach.

Justin: Like truck nuts. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: Like truck nuts, yeah. She turns you into living truck nuts and deposits you and she says, uh,



Griffin: And disappears! [Audience laughter]

Clint: We've been touched by an angel.

Justin: We've been burned by an angel.

Griffin: Heh, yeah, uhh, and, uh, you're onto the fourth challenge, uh, right? Oh, no the third challenge-



Griffin: Yeah you’re doing a good job.

Justin: And, except, maybe we killed Art earlier, so there may not be anybody left. Travis hit 'im with an axe, but not in the way you think.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, okay, the third- the third trial is trust falls. Only this time it's not a shrunk down wall, it is a fifteen foot wall, uh, and, uh, Art says:



[Audience laughs]

Stuart: Um, can I do an investigate check to look for gum on the floor?

Griffin: Yeah, sure. [Audience & Clint laughs]

Stuart: [crosstalk] Oh, I totally see it.

Clint: [crosstalk] He's just got so much hair.

Griffin: He actually says, this'll be fun, he sa-

Stuart: Twenty-two.

Griffin: Uh, no gum. He says, uh,



Griffin: Alright, you go down those stairs and you are standing at the bottom of the wall, ready to catch a person.

Stuart: I have my arms out and say:



Travis: That's me.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I-



Griffin: Alright, so as Taako, uh, puts his back to the ledge and starts to fall backwards, right as he starts to fall backwards, you see a hatch open up in the back of the wall, and it reveals this pedestal with a beautiful, shining ruby on it. And it's right there, right in front of you, as Taako falls through the air.

Stuart: Wait a- a ruby for me?

Griffin: Just a beautiful ruby, directly in front of you that opens up like a little prize hatch.

Stuart: That's really tempting, I love rubies.

Clint: Yeah, get the ruby.

Stuart: I forgot to mention that about Brad, Brad is crazy for rubies.

Clint: Well he's a winter, and they look good with his complexion.

Stuart: Thank you!

Justin: I feel like Taako definitely cast Feather Fall with the Umbra Staff.

Griffin: Oh, no no no no no, we're not retconnin' that.

Justin: I definitely did, didn't you?

Griffin: Brad, what do you do, do you keep your positsh'?

Stuart: I keep my position, and I start humming Arms Wide Open under my breath. [Clint & Griffin laughing, Audience clapping]

Travis: And when I land in his arms I say:



Stuart: I res- I resist the urge to give him a little friendly kiss on the cheek.



[Audience laughs]



Griffin: I- I'm gonna say because you sang a bar of a Creed song, you used your bardly powers to empower yourself and catch him easily and not have to make a roll for that one. Uh, who's doing next?



Justin: Y'know, uh, not for nothin' but his spell cards are largely useless.

Griffin: [Laughing] Okay,

Clint: Thank you!

Justin: Like, I- I tried to look for one, they're not very good.

Clint: Yes, thank you very much!

Justin: No, unless you need to heal people. I mean, you could deffo- you could deffo do that, for sure, like a ton.

Griffin: Uh, okay-

Clint: Well, I haven't seen you heal anybody!

Justin: [whispering] Nobody's gotten hurt yet, Clinton.

Clint: We've been gettin' hurt all over the place!

Griffin: We've gotta- we've gotta pick up the pace just a little bit, we're almost done.

Justin: So I fell, so I fell: [fart noise]

Griffin: Okay, uh, you fall off the back of the platform, same thing happens, Merle- uh, um- Taako, only this time you see it, the hatch in the wall opens up and and uh, uh, there's a beautiful, shining gemstone inside of it.

Clint: He can always- he can always heal himself.

Travis: But the thing is-



Travis: This is interesting 'cause I feel like, the Taako body instinctively reaches for it? [Griffin laughs] But like the Magnus mind is like 'I don't care?' and, um, uh, so do I need to do like a battle with my own body?

Griffin: Uh, [crosstalk] I think, I think-

Stuart: [crosstalk] Yeah, what does he roll to battle his own body?

Griffin: I think you can just say whether or not you do it.

Travis: Nah.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you stand in place and you catch- you catch... Merle as he falls off the wall, and Magnus you're the only one still at the top, what d'you do?

Clint: I, uh, I fall,

Griffin: Okay,

Clint: But as I fall, in really cool, action movie style-

Griffin: You're just supposed to fall backwards, it's a fucking trust fall.

Clint: I- I flipped before. You let me flip before.

Griffin: Okay, you're right, you did it bad though, and you got a teamwork penalty.

Clint: Well, I was gonna stick a dagger in the wall and let it slow me down.

Griffin: OKAY, COOL.

Travis: It's a metal wall!

Clint: It's your body! You do shit like that all the time!

Travis: You're right.

Griffin: Okay make an- make an attack roll on the wall then.

Travis: It's a great body.

Justin: Oh, wait, am I catching him?

Griffin: Uh, not now. [Audience laughs]

Justin: Okay, I- I cast Zone of Truth on myself. [Clint laughs]



[Audience laughs]

Clint: But I do thank you for using Zone of Truth. Zone of Truth is a copyrighted feature.

Griffin: Of Dungeons and Dragons. Of Wizards of the Coast LLC.

Justin: A subsidiary of...

Clint: I rolled- I rolled a two...

Griffin: Okay. Ping! Like, your dagger just bounces off of it, and you fall, and you're way out of position to be caught, and-

Travis: I pop him with- with Feather Fall.

Griffin: Oh, okay, you hit him with Feather Fall, uh, and this gives you- uh, the three of you a longer than normal window, you see this hatch open up and there's a beautiful, shining red ruby inside.

Justin: You know I grab-



Justin: [laughs] You're gonna have to stop me. I reach in and grab the-

Travis: No, I'm gonna use Dominate Person.

Justin: Okay, [Audience laughing]

Griffin: Jesus.

Travis: He must succeed a wisdom saving throw.

Griffin: Alright, make a wisdom saving throw, uhh, Merle.

Justin: Nat 20, fuck you!

Travis: Fuck! [Audience cheering]

Justin: NOTHING STOPS ME FROM GETTING RUBIES THAT I DESIRE.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, Merle you reach in and grab this ruby and nothing happens, you just have this beautiful ruby, [crosstalk] and it's worth a thousand gold pieces.

Justin: [crosstalk] Hell yeah! It always pays!

Griffin: It's one thousand gold pieces and I guess, Merle has it?

Clint: That's right, stick it in Merle's bag!

Justin: I go over and put it in Taako's bag, [Clint: Why!?] and then- wait, is Zone of Truth still effective-?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Justin: Okay:



[Audience laughing]

Griffin: Uh, you fall to the floor, Magnus, but you had Feather Fall on so you- it was fairly harmless. Uh, fourth trial, we're almost done guys I promise.

Clint: I take my bag and I give it t- to... Merle...

Griffin: J-Jesus. Uh, okay,

Travis: I'm not gonna take it, 'cause you're trying to give it to me from my body. Wait-?

Justin: Moving on.

Griffin: Aw man, we can't get stuck in the weeds again. I don't wanna have to re- reboot you a third time.

Clint: I give it to Barney.

Griffin: Uh, You make it to the fourth trial, [Audience laughing] You guys make it to the fourth trial which is the Totem of Constructive Criticism, and in place of all four of these heroes, are four fucking skeletons, and here's why. Not a single one of you followed the constructive criticism that you offered the person whose body you currently inhabit, from the first round of trials. [Audience & Clint Ooohing]

Clint: Oh, it's like a twist.

Griffin: Taako you were casting spells like fucking crazy, Merle you didn't heal anybody, Magnus you literally rushed into the first trial, Brad you didn't tell us-

Justin: Okay, now wait now wait now hold on-on-on-on, I did Enhance his abilities, which is like pre-healing, to save myself from healing him later.

Griffin: That's a good point.

Justin: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, my dude.

Griffin: Alright, Audience- Audience poll, who thinks that M-Merle passed his own constructive criticism? [Audience cheering]

Griffin: And who thinks he failed?

Justin: Aw f- [Audience cheering louder & Clint laughing]

Justin: Suck my dick, seriously. [Griffin laughing] Fuckin' a-hole- [mockingly] 'I love The Adventure Zone!' [normally] Do you? I'm not so sure.

Griffin: Uhh, and Brad you didn't tell us anything more about yourself, really.

Travis: He loves rubies!

Stuart: No, other than- than I love fucking rubies, dude.

Clint: Yeah, we learned that!

Griffin: Uh, al- all four of you take 19 points of necrotic damage [Justin laughing] as black energy pours out of the statue and sort of encompasses your body.



[Audience laughing]

Griffin: Uh, we are on to the final trial, and you are standing in front of the entrance [Stuart: [quietly] I don't know where it went..] to a-- Do you not have a pen? Here, here.

Travis: It's okay, It's not my character sheet anyways.

Griffin: Uh, you're standing in front of the entrance to the arena again, only it's very real this time, it's not paper-mâché walls, it is a real, scary looking, cobblestone arena. There's blood splashes on the wall, there's some skeletons chained up by the entrance, uhh, it's- it's a pretty scary scene-

Stuart: Are they- are they dead skeletons or are they like, wiggling around? [Audience laughter]

Griffin: No, these are dead skeletons.

Travis: That's a fair question! [Audience laughing]

Griffin: No these are dead- these are the skeletons of the dead variety.

Travis: Thank you.

Stuart: I say:

Clint: What podcast are you listening to?

Travis: Y'know what, here's- wait, nope, that's not my voice...



Travis: Cool!

Stuart: So take one eight sided die and you get to roll it sometime when you need an extra eight sided die to add to something.



Clint: I'm gonna- I'm gonna switch to bard.



Stuart: It's called using the rules, guys.



Griffin: [Laughing] That's good.



Travis: Wait- who are you?

Justin: Wait- [combining the voices] I'm a hybrid. [Griffin & Audience laughing]

Griffin: He is the Daywalker!

Justin: I'm a terrible Island of Doctor Moreau style abomination. Uhm. I can't play, two characters at once. [Griffin laughing] I mean admittedly it would still be better than Dad, but- [Audience laughing]

Clint: I had nothing to do with this conversation!



Justin: And I cast Mass Cure Wounds.

Griffin: Oh, okay! Everybody-

Clint: I had that spell?

Justin: Fuck you. [Audience laughing]

Griffin: Let's just say everybody's healed back up to full so we don't waste time rolling.

Justin: Hell yeah.

Travis: Yeah, that's some good DM-ing.

Griffin: Yeah, it is when you have- four minutes. Um, now we have a little bit- We started late, we can go a little bit later than, what, six... six?

Travis: Just keep going.

Griffin: Dinner's at six-thirty, we're good, okay. Uh, you charge into the battle after that cool catchphrase that I completely stepped on by checking on time for a minute there, uh, and you are in the arena, only it is not clowntown this time.

It is, uh, pitch black, the door shuts behind you and this time you can't seem to get it open, and the sconces on the wall burst into bright, green flame, which illuminate the arena and you see you're standing on a big pile of bones, that make it kinda tricky to walk around. Twenty feet, or so, in front of you, a massive ribcage emerges from the bone pile, and then two big skeletal wings, and then two large claws forming the shape of a real skeletal dragon, only it doesn't have a head, there's no head on it. You hear Art chime in and say, uh:



Griffin: And then suddenly three skulls attached to three long, bony necks emerge, sort of flanking, uh, the body of this skeletal dragon. One for each teamwork penalty you're incurred so far.



Griffin: And, uh, all three heads, uh, roar, ready for battle and, with your permission, I think let's not do initiative, let's just- one of you guys take an action and then I'll take an action and we'll just go back and forth.

Travis: Freeform.

Griffin: Freeform, baby, jazz.

Justin: Uh, okay, as requested, Trav, here's the spell you should cast on Taako's body-

Griffin: Do this in character- No you gotta do this in character, you're yelling, as Merle, to Taako.

Travis: Got it.



[Audience laughing & cheering]

Griffin: Okay,



Griffin: Taako, poof!, vanishes.

Clint: I think you have Feign Death in there...

Griffin: Um, that means I have an attack, now. Uh, the, uh, body of the-

Travis: Wait hold on, that was just an action. And then I run underneath the dragon, invisible.

Griffin: Okay, you're inside of the dragon's ribcage.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, uh, the dragon does not see you do that, obviously, 'cause this body doesn't have a head, but with its claws it's going to swipe at Brad.

Stuart: Okay. [Silence]

[Scattered chuckles from the audience]

Clint: Brad, obviously a crowd favourite.

Griffin: Um, that's- that's a-

Stuart: Y'know, it's fine, it's cool.

Griffin: Seventeen versus AC, Brad.

Stuart: Uh, my AC is 11.

Griffin: Jesus, Brad! What is- Can I ask? What's Brad wearing? This?

Stuart: Basically this, yeah. I have a clipboard.

Travis: You're a protection fighter.

Griffin: Uh, he hits you, and sort of rakes you across the chest and you fall backwards, and you take 14 points of damage, [Stuart: Okay,] and your fucking clipboard? [makes whooshing noises] goes flying into the bone pile.

Stuart: I loosen my tie.



[Audience cheering]

Griffin: Alright, Brad. Whatchu got?

Stuart: I say:



Stuart: And I keep pointing at my eyes and I keep pointing at his ribcage and I cast Compel Duel. So it can only- It has to pass a wisdom saving throw, and if it fails, it can only attack me. 'Cause I'm standing up for my buds!

Griffin: Okay, [Audience cheering]

Griffin: Yeah, he rolled a 9, which is okay news I guess?



Griffin: Okay, uh, with that I need-



Griffin: Oh, you're talkin' a lil' bit of smack, now?



Griffin: [laughs] Okay, okay, okay. Uh, sss-Magnus. Dad. Make a dexterity saving throw.

Clint: I haven't done anything yet.

Griffin: Yup.

Clint: Oh, it's a five... and I add-

Griffin: Oh, Jesus. Doesn't matter. Uh, two of the dragon heads shoot a beam of green flame at you, hitting you for 21 points of damage.

Travis: I've got lots of health.

Clint: Not anymore.

Griffin: Who's doing somethin'? We're so close!

Travis: Uh, yeah you go.

Justin: Go ahead. I, uh, see this incredible sacrifice that, uh, what's-his-face did- [Griffin laughs]

Stuart: Brad.

Justin: Uh, Brad, that's right. Uh, and I cast Spiritual Weapon. I'm gonna create a flowing- I rush over to Brad and I create a- In front of him- and I create a floating spectral weapon within range that lasts for the duration, uh, let's see, uh, on a hit the target takes force damage equal to one d8 plus your spellcasting ability modifier.

Griffin: Can I make a requ- Do you- Do you know what the Spiritual Weapon’s gonna be?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay. What is it?

Justin: Uh, it's- it's like a... um... it's a, umm...

Griffin: Fuck. So you didn't have an idea of what you wanted it to be?

Justin: I didn't have an idea.

Clint: Meat tenderizer!

Griffin: Can it be- can it be, uh, his clipboard, but beautiful and glowing and magical like a shield that you could use as a weapon.

Justin: Yes, I- yes, I see his clipboard, I'm so inspi-

Clint: That's what he has written, right here.

Justin: Yeah it says beautiful clipboard.

Griffin: O-okay, you have a new, magical, spiritual clipboard that you have, like Captain America's shield, that you can use as a weapon.

Justin: No, no, no, no, it's his mug.

Griffin: Oh it's his mug, that's even better.

Justin: It's hi- It's his giant mug, that he raises up and it's got like spikes and shit.

Griffin: And what does the mug- what does the mug say on it?

Stuart: It says "Soar," and then defines it: "To climb to new heights and achieve great things." [Audience laughing & cheering]

Griffin: Okay,

Justin: And then I shout- [crosstalk]

Stuart: [crosstalk] I just gotta remind myself of that sometimes.



Griffin: Uh, d'you wanna go ahead and use that- that weapon for an attack?

Stuart: I would love to use it as an attack.

Griffin: On one of the three heads, or the ribcage?

Stuart: On the ribcage.

Griffin: Okay.

Stuart: ...I roll a nine. [Griffin laughs]

Travis: ...teen?

Stuart: Nineteen.

Griffin: Uh, you have advantage on the roll because the weapon is so cool.

Stuart: Oh, uhhh, no, I got a fifteen.

Griffin: Okay, th- Yeah, that is enough, it's an unarmoured, just sort of bony ribcage. Uh, you bring this thing, this- this magical cup down and, uh, hit it, and uh, let's just say you break three of the eight ribs. That's how we'll track damage in this fight. [Audience clapping] Uh, and some of those bony shards rain down on you, Ma- er, Taako, invisible inside.

Travis: Uh, from within it, I point at two of the heads and cast Banishment.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Clint: I- I am still playing, right?

Griffin: Yeah, d'you wanna take a- take a- just jump in, baby, it's freeform, it's like jazz up here, it's all about the turns you don't take! [Audience laughing]

Travis: The dragon heads have to, uh, pass a charisma saving throw.

Griffin: Oh, that's not their jam, no. Uh, fourteen?

Travis: What's your spellcasting modifier?

Griffin: Dad's not gonna know the answer to that- oh.

Travis: Better than that!

Griffin: Alright, yeah, two of the dragon heads just- Poof! Disappear!



Griffin: Oh, it feels good! [Audience cheering]

Griffin: Alright, you got one dragon head and a damaged ribcage. Why don't you take a turn Magnus-

Clint: Magnus rushes in!

Griffin: Fuck yeah, what're you doin'?

Clint: He takes, uh, old Railsplitter-!

Griffin: Okay,

Clint: -Is it Railsplitter?

Griffin: Yup. [Audience laughing]

Clint: And he- and he does it two-handed, because that's even more badass, and he runs up to the third dragon and he hits him on the C7- [Griffin: Okay,] Is that right? C7! Inspired by a tattoo-

Griffin: Roll that shit.

Clint: -And it's a seventeen, by god! [Audience cheering]

Griffin: Yeah. You cut-

Clint: Plus, I add nine to that, so twenty-six!

Griffin: You hit it- You hit it in one of its vertebrae and the whole neck- [Clint: C7!] -the C7, a dragon's natural weak point, um, you don't need to roll damage, the neck just sort of teeters over and the- the bony sort of structure just kinda falls apart, you've destroyed the third head. Uh-



Clint: How's- is that good? [Audience laughter]

Griffin: It's- [crosstalk] It's good enough!

Travis: [crosstalk] That is my catchphrase!

Justin: Wait, Griffin, can you say it now? Can you say we- we solved it?

Griffin: Oh, no, there's still the ribcage, it's got claws, it's still attacking you-

Justin: Shiit.

Griffin: You haven't solved any fu- I'll let you know when the dragon puzzle's been solved, Justin.

Clint: You got something, don't you, you've got some in your hat.

Griffin: Uh, Brad, it looks like you've got somethin' you wanna do.

Stuart: Uh, I was waiting for it to attack me again because- I want-

Griffin: Okay, yeah, no, it's- this thing has not gone in a while, it definitely is gonna take another swing at Brad, um. Oh, shit, that's a critical hit.

Stuart: Okay. Guys, I think this is the end of Brad. [Griffin laughing & Audience ooh-ing]

Clint: Oh, well.

Travis: No, you have a thing!

Clint: I don't have a thing!

Travis: You're a protection dude! [crosstalk] You can force advantage!

Griffin: [crosstalk] The dice rolls weren't too bad-

Clint: [crosstalk] I- I cast Protection!

Griffin: No-! That's, no, that's done already!

Travis: Wha-

Griffin: You take nineteen points of damage, Brad.

Clint: [raspberry noise]

[Silence]

Stuart: Okay, I'm still alive.

Griffin: [laughing] O-Okay, I was- [Audience cheering] Uh, did you wanna ha-



Griffin: The ribcage kind of like- [nodding] Nods up and down like a-

Griffin: It sits there and it taps its claws- [makes a ‘tktk’ noise] it goes- no, shakes its body left to right.



[Justin & Audience laughing]

Griffin: [laughing] I- it sits there for a second. It goes up and down: yes.



Griffin: [laughing] You see- you it's claws just go: [gestures with his hands]

[Audience laughing]

Justin: Griffin is indicating to his head, for those of you listening at home.



Stuart: I cast Calm Emotions on the ribcage.

[Audience laughing]

Griffin: Okay, what does that- does that do anything?

Stuart: Eh, it chills him out. [Griffin & Audience laughing]

Justin: [laughing] Okay- and then- and then, uh, and then Merle casts Flame Strike on the ribcage. [Audience laughing]

Griffin: [laughing] A-alright. Uh, I have to roll a dexterity saving throw, I think to get out of the way-? [Justin: Indeed.] Okay. Uh, that's a two.

Stuart: He's just way too chill.

Justin: Alright so here is... Six, three, one- so, ten- and then four.

Travis: [Adding along] Nine, ten, fourteen.

Griffin: Okay, fourteen points of damage. You take that, definitely, Taako, since you're inside of the ribcage that he just set on fire. Oh no, make a dexterity saving throw, I'm so-

Justin: And then four d6 radiant damage.

Griffin: Oh, Jesus.

Justin: Two, one, two, six.

Travis: [Quietly] Uh that's a, twelve, plus three, fifteen.

Clint: What the hell are you guys doin'?

Griffin: Sorry, what did you roll Travis?

Justin: [Quietly] So that's three, five, eleven.

Travis: Fifteen, which I think is-

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you dodge through the gap in the broken ribs that, uh, Brad made for you, and get out of the way of this flame strike.

Justin: And then, eleven radiant damage.

Griffin: Okay, it's weak to both of those types of damage, so this ribcage just explodes. [Justin & Audience laughing]

Griffin: Uh, and you have solved my Skeletal Dragon puzzle! [Audience cheering & whistling]

Griffin: Let's- let's wrap this up real quick. You- a portcullis opens on the other end of the arena, leading to a long staircase leading upwards and you reach another small treasure chamber at the end of the room. This one, again, real- like a dungeon treasure chamber, not like a movie set, um- And there's a ch-

Travis: Bra- Oh wait-



Griffin: And there's a treasure chest sitting right there.



Griffin: All four of you put your hands on the treasure chest and open it up-

Clint: And it explodes!

Griffin: And a wave of force emits from it, uh, knocking all of you backwards, and onto your backs.



Griffin: And, you feel really weak, you actually all are incapacitated right now, I mean you can't take any actions,

Clint: [Quietly] Oh, you- oh,

Griffin: And Art's voice comes from the loudspeaker, and he says, uh:

Griffin: And the loudspeaker clicks off and spikes come out of the ceiling, and suddenly the ceiling is lowering down, to kill all four of you. Do you have any final words for each other?

[Silence]



Travis: [crosstalk] That is not- that is not how Magnus sounds at all.

Stuart: [crosstalk] Great character voice.

Clint: He does now.

Griffin: Do you have any- any last words?



[Audience laughing/aw-ing]

Griffin: Aw... Anybody else-?



[Audience laughing]

Justin: Taako just takes out the ruby he stole and cradles it like the old couple in Titanic. [Griffin & Audience laughs]

Clint: [Vocalizing] Neeaar, faar-

Griffin: Um, Magnus- Dad Magnus. Any last words- anything you wanna say to the crew before you're killed?

Clint: Um, I-



[Audience laughing]

Griffin: [laughs] O-okay, and Brad, final words?



[Audience laughing]

Griffin: Uh, as you all finish your final words, just as the spikes from above are about to impale you, the floor disappears again, and you're falling through another set of four slides! And you're going down this- these slides for like a minute, and, uh, you- you emerge from the end of the slide, and you can see daylight, and you've emerged in that very first chamber, uh, that you first went into the dungeon, the one with the- the etching on the floor that reads: "Enter colleagues, exit best friends." And standing in front of you is Art Goodfriend! And you're back in your original bodies, you can tell you're back in your original- Oh we don't have time for-



[Audience, Griffin, & Stuart laughing]

Travis: That is canonical!

Griffin: Uh, and Art Goodfriend says, uh:



Stuart: I look at you guys, expectantly, waiting for you to say that we're great friends.



[Audience laughing]

Griffin: [laughing] Um, anybody else have anything they wanna say?

Travis: I punch Art Goodfriend.

Griffin: Okay. [Audience laughing] Make an attack roll.

Clint: Wait, I cast Enhance Ability on him.

Griffin: Okay, yes, great! Uh, roll- gain- gain advantage on your roll!

Travis: Well, I- uh, fourteen, uh, yeah, so fourteen, with Phantom Fist, that's plus eight-?

Griffin: Yeah, you punch, you punch Art Goodfriend in the face, no need to roll damage. He sees you enhance his ability and he takes it and he, like, spits out blood-

Travis: And I say:



Griffin: And he spits out some blood and he goes-

Griffin: He sees you enhance his ability, you punch him in the face, he spits out blood, and he goes:



[Audience laughing]

Griffin: And that's the episode! Thank you all, for listening! Uh, this has been The Adventure Zone, I hope you liked it, and, uh, have a good rest of the Max Fun Con!

[Audience cheering & clapping]

[Music starts playing and plays until the end]

[Clint laughs]

Convention Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Adventure Zone!

[audience cheers]