Ep. 12: Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Three/Transcript

Episode 12 - Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Three (part of TAZscripts on Tumblr)

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone:



Clint: Is Tom Bodett anywhere in this town?

Justin: [crosstalk] Is Tom Bodett literally--

Travis: [crosstalk] Has anyone left a light on for us?

Griffin: You manage to make it to the ticket counter.



[laughter]



Griffin: M’kay.



Travis: No!



Justin: [laughing] Oh my god!



[Justin continues laughing]

Griffin: Uh, you hear from outside the train, “All aboard!” and Tom Bodett goes,

[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[1:39]

Griffin: So the three of you have just checked in with Tom Bodett--one of the Tom Bodetts, one of the many, many animatronic Tom Bodetts that occupy Rockport--uh, and, uh, have boarded the train. Um, you walk in through a door to the main passenger car compartment--

Travis: Griffy, is this, uh, is this train luxurious, or is it, like, utilitarian?

Griffin: It is fully luxuried out. It is the Lexus of fantasy trains. I’m talking--

Justin: [quietly] Thank goodness.

Griffin: I’m talking gilded. It’s gilded with gold; it’s, uh--

Travis: Gilded with gold, you say?

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: It’s uh--

Justin: Fine thing to gild with.

Griffin: It’s gilded with uh, silver and platinum--

Justin: [crosstalk] Just gold. No--

Griffin: No.

Clint: No.

Justin: Gold’s the only thing you can gild with.

Travis: Can’t gild with anything else!

Griffin: Watch me! [laughter] Watch me. It’s- it’s bedazzled with electrum-- It’s a- it’s a-- yeah, it’s a really nice train. Um--

Justin: Smell good?

Griffin: Smells great. Posh interior, soft seats, uh, um, shag carpeting, which is weird, but it’s like nice shag carpeting.

Justin: Right.

Griffin: Uh, so you walk in through the main passenger entrance, into the passenger car, and there waiting for you is a, uh, very tall, very finely-dressed, elven man, uh, who is wearing a Rockport Limited uniform. Uh, he has a mustache which is rare for elves, not typically known for their, uh, bodacious facial hair, but there you are. Uh, and uh, this man looks down at you as you are boarding the train, and says,



Griffin: He snatches them all up.

Justin: Griffin, do we have tickets? Oh, we did get tickets.

Griffin: Yeah.

[lots of crosstalk in agreement]

Travis: Whoo, that was close! I almost had to kill him!

[laughter]

Griffin: [chuckles] He snatches them up.



Travis: [laughs] Tom Bodett.

[laughter]



Travis: [crosstalk] My name is Lazy DM.

Justin: Did you know that there’s only one real Tom Bodett, and the rest are Tom Faux-detts? [laughter] It’s true.



Justin: Oh no.



Travis: No, he doesn’t!



Clint: Yes, he does!

Travis: Wait, let me check my notes here: he does not!

Clint: [still talking in the bad accent] No, it’s right here in my character sheet!



Justin: I keep turning down his volume, and it keep-- I swear to god, it keeps getting louder.

Griffin: I think Dad has hacked into your mainframe. [Clint chuckles]

Travis: He’s become self-aware!



Clint: And feelings.



[Clint wheezes with laughter]



Clint (?): [Crosstalk, quietly] -Big rump.}}



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: And he points to the uh, the engine car to, uh, to his right at the head of the train. Uh. The- the engine car--uh, the entrance to the car is a very high-security, uh, heavy metal door, uh, with a, like, window slot in it for him to look out. Uhhm. But it is-- it’s a very secure door, and he says,



Travis: Is this, possibly, foreshadowing?

[Clint and Justin start laughing]

Clint: Or rampant paranoia?

[Travis laughs]

Travis: [gruffly] I’m tellin’ you guys. Trust me. Oh, it could happen!



[laughter and giggles]



[laughter]

Clint: And then puncture their own ear drums.



Griffin: he says.



Clint: [crosstalk] Thank you, Barney Fife.



Travis: “I never believed it would happen to me.”



Clint: Hmm.



Griffin: He pulls off uh, the uh, leather glove that he has over his left hand, and--



Griffin: --it stinks. [Clint makes a disgusted sound] There’s a stink to it that, uh, it almo- almost seems supernatural, almost as if he’s been cursed, uh, on his hand.



Griffin: He says, and, uh, uh, takes up your weapons. Are you handing your weapons to him or not?

Travis: Yes!

Griffin: Okay. Uh.

Clint: Yeah, I’ll give him Smasher and Little Choppy.

Justin: And I cast, just as he’s leaving, I cast, uh, Prestidigitation on Travis’ hands to give them a terrible odor.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: He says.



[laughter]



Griffin: Uh, and he walks into the engine compartment, and the door slams closed, and you hear uh, a heavy clunk! And, uh, yeah. That’s it for the engineer character. What did you guys think of him? [laughter] Scale of- scale of one to ten.

Clint: I liked-- I thought he had good motivation, I thought, uh, his character development was good.

Griffin: So, walking through the passenger car, you only see three other passengers, uh, on this ride. And they’re not sitting together, they don’t seem to know each other, they’re not conversing, they’re all just sort of doing their own little things. Uh, one of them is a, uh, a stout, dwarven woman, uh, with the largest muscles you’ve ever seen on a living person. Um, she looks kind of--

Travis: [crosstalk] Wait, hold on! Magnus is in the room.

Griffin: Well, yeah. Deal with it.

Travis: Oh. Oh no.

Griffin: Uh, she looks-- She’s kind of fidgeting, looking out the window. She just kind of looks a little bit uncomfortable. Um, sitting about two rows behind her and on the other side of the car is a young boy, who is wearing a fancy-boy suit--

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: --and a fa- a blue fancy boy cap. Uh, dressed up very fanci-fancily.

Travis: Can I roll, um, insight to see how fancy?

Griffin: Yeah, sure, if you want.

Travis: [die roll] Uh, that’s a 17. Oh, sorry, yes. Uhh--

Griffin: Oh my god, yeah. Make sure to really add this up--

Travis: Oh it’s a 16, it’s a -1.

Griffin: Oh, a -1. Then you die. [laughter] God, Travis, if only you-- in trying to discern his fanciness, your nose just starts bleeding, and you fall over and--

Clint: You’re fancied to death.

Griffin: Uh, yeah no, he’s fresh to death. He- he looks- he looks very fancy. Um, like a schoolboy, but fancy. And he’s reading a book like a schoolboy would do, and he’s a fancy young man. And then, sitting a couple rows behind him is a, uh, round young human man with a great big bushy beard.

Justin: [crosstalk] [gravelly] A great big bushy beard!

Griffin: And uh, he’s wearing some sort of trashy wizard’s robes. They’re not as, uh--

Justin: [crosstalk] You mean like bad, or you mean like trashy sexy? [laughs] Some mesh in the sleeves--

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s both, actually. It’s--

Travis: [crosstalk] You can see the electric tape over his nipples.

Griffin: [crosstalk] No, it’s-- I mean it’s-- [Clint laughs] it covers all his essential, uh, oils, but he-- It does say “juicy” on the back of the robe, [laughter] where his butt would be. Um--

Travis: Are we on a train to Jersey?

Griffin: Yes. Neverwinter is in New Jersey; not a lot of people, um, know that. This is, like, an alt-America sort of like Dark Tower, um, I should’ve pointed out, so, um. No, that’s not true. Please don’t buy into that at all. Uh, yeah, that is the passenger car as you, uh, continue walking back to, uh, you know, set down your personal effects in your sleeper car.

Griffin: As you- as you pass through the chamber connecting the two, uh, cars, uh, you open up the door to the sleeper car, and another elf is there. Another fairly tall elven man is there, wearing the garb, wearing the uniform for the Rockport Limited. Um, he is also wearing a sort of technicolor bowtie that’s prismatic and- and shifting in hues. Um, and he looks down at you, and he comes up with a voice for himself very quickly.

[Clint laughs]



Griffin: What is this?

Travis: [mimicking the voice] “I instantly regret this voice.”

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: [working on the voice] “Mm hello, welcome.” There it is.

[laughter]

Travis: [crosstalk] He sounds like Mike Myers.

Clint: [crosstalk] Sounds like Vincent Price.

Griffin: I found it.



Justin: “I’m Mike Myers as Lorne Michaels having a stroke.”

[Clint laughs]



Justin: [crosstalk] He’s melting!



Justin: Who dumped a bucket of water on this guy?

[laughter]



Travis: I reach out slowly to touch his bowtie.



Travis: I really g- I really get in there.



Griffin: My thr-- voice is, like, shot from this weekend, and it’s really--I, like--we have to record all of--

Travis: [crosstalk] No one made you do this voice, Griffin.

Griffin: This needs to--I’m just saying, we need to do a series wrap on Jenkins in this episode, [laughter] ‘cause I don’t think I’m gonna be able to do him next week. Um--

Travis: [laughing] I kill Jenkins! [laughter]



Travis: I loosen it slightly.



Clint: Can we level up for that? That was great.



[Justin laughs]

Travis: Now it’s like an old pair of shoes.

[laughter]

Griffin: Um, he helps you all unload your luggage into your sleeper car. Uh, there’s uh, there’s a triple bunk bed. [laughs] It’s basically like a big ol’ neapolitan ice cream sandwich of dudes, [laughter] and you feel like the smell in there is gonna get pretty ripe pretty fast. It’s not a very big car, um, but he helps you load up, and uh, starts to show you around the train. Uh, so he says,



[Clint laughs]



[laughter]



Griffin: So we’re- we’re gonna do this now, huh? [Travis laughs] We’re gonna air this right now?

Travis: [crosstalk] I prescribe to the Griffin McElroy sleeping method.

Griffin: I need to build myself a fucking exosuit of pillows, [laughter] and I’m not, like, I’m not, like, proud of it. Like, yeah, I am embarrassed about it, and it makes trips with my family a living hell.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: [laughs] A pillowy hell!

Justin: You go into a room you’re sharing with Griffin, then you look for a pillow, there’s just none there. He’s absorbed them all.

Griffin: Yeah. I need them for strength and energy. Uh, uh, Jenkins says, uh,


 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!
 * Magnus & Merle: Come on!



[Clint chuckles]



[Clint laughs]



[laughter]

Travis: “You get a free round of shots in the bar car.”



Travis: “It’s not where I thought I’d end up in life, but you know, life’s a continuing, evolving adventure.”



[snorting]



[laughter]



Travis: [crosstalk] It’s called cheating!



[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He says, uh,



Travis: Magnus leaves.



Travis: Now, Griffin, I need you to describe both scenes simultaneously.

[laughter]

Griffin: Um. I won’t do that. I’m very, very tired.

Travis: I pop back into the sleeping car.



Griffin: Travis is taking control.

[laughter]

Clint: Magnus has turned into Kramer.



[Clint laughs]



[Travis laughs]



Travis: And then- and then he eats a carrot in his face.

[laughter]



Travis: That’s Taako’s-- that’s Taako’ mic drop.

[Justin laughs]



[Travis laughs]

Griffin: The only time that you’re allowed to eat food while recording this podcast is if it’s foley work for actual in-game eating. So I’m just assuming that Taako’s, like, having a party right now on some baby carrots.

Justin: [laughs] He’s eating some hardtack.

Griffin: What is hardtack?

Justin: You know, like Johnny cakes?

Travis: You know.

Clint: [laughing] No, that’s not hardtack!

Travis: It is! They’re seabiscuits.

Justin: [crosstalk] You know, hardtack. Like, really hard-- really hard bread that they had during the Civil War. I’m surprised you didn’t read up on this before we recorded.

Travis: [crosstalk] And then they used it to put stuff up on the wall.

Justin: [crosstalk] I told you I was gonna do a whole hard--

Griffin: [crosstalk] You were gonna have a-- Justin’s gonna go on another hardtack run.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: You gotta edit this one out too, Griffin.



Griffin: Wait, what am I doing? What’s this fucking voice?

Clint: You’ve gone into Mr. Belvedere.



Griffin: What- what was it?

[laughter]

Travis: It’s a moving target!

Clint: [crosstalk] It was Vincent Price!



Clint: [imitating the character Droopy] And a little Droopy Dog, too.

Travis: [also imitating Droopy] “I’m sad.”

[Justin laughs]

Travis: [still imitating Droopy] “I’m Jenkins.” That’s how you sound!



[laughter]

Travis: [Droopy voice] “Back there’s the cargo car.”

Justin: [crosstalk] [impersonating Jenkins] “I’m sort-- I’m sort of the Mel Blanc of the train. [laughter] Keep everybody in stitches. All these different characters. Which one’s the real me? You’ll never know.”



[laughter]

Travis: [Droopy voice] “I’m sad now.”

Clint: [Droopy voice] “You’re making me very, very unhappy.”

{26:37}



Justin: Smokin’!

[laughter, slow clapping, someone sounds almost in tears. they all lose it for a good ten seconds]

Griffin: This is not-- this is not out-of-- of-character laughing. [laughter] This whole time, everything you’ve done in the past two minutes has been to this man’s face. You’re just standing-- oh--

[laughter]



Travis: I hug him.

Justin: [crosstalk] Wait wait wait. If this has all been in character, are you telling me that this person Jenkins, [squeaking with laughter] who is having this, like, incredible mental breakdown, where, where he couldn’t remember what his own voice sounded like?

[laughter]

Justin: We’re just--

Travis: [crosstalk] It was a very metaphysical moment for-- “Who am I??”

Clint: [crosstalk] It’s a psychotic incident!

Justin: This is kayfabe, I need to know that Jenkins was having this breakdown right in front of us! “What is-- No, that’s not it. It’s up here!”

Travis: “Who am I?? What am Jenkins??”

[laughter]

Travis: I-I hold Jenkins.

[laughter]



[laughter]



[Justin laughs]



Griffin: He opens the window.



Griffin: Uh, you feel the train--

Travis: [crosstalk] [whispering] Griffin, Griffin, out-of-character, this is a great time to come up with uh, a Jenkins catchphrase. I feel like he’s gonna be a fan-favorite. Maybe like as he leaves, have him say something like sassy.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Sure.

Justin: How about this? What do you think about this one? …“Dy-no-mite!”

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: I like that one.

Griffin: Okay, so that’s the one that I’m gonna use, definitely. Uh, the- the train lurches and starts to move forward, and Jenkins, uh, l-looks out the window he just opened, and says, um,


 * Merle & Magnus: Call him Tom.
 * Merle & Magnus: Call him Tom.
 * Merle & Magnus: Call him Tom.



[Clint laughs]



[Travis laughs]



Griffin: He says-- He turns to you and closes the door. Uh, but then he cracks it back open and pokes his face in, and he says,



[laughter]

Clint: And a T-shirt is born!

{30:16-36:16 commercial and jumbotron break}

Clint: Anybody tired?

Travis: I could take a short rest.

Justin: Let’s take a short rest.

Griffin: Okay, you take a 15 minute power nap-

Travis: Like, a Pzizz.

Griffin: You take a Pzizz right there, as the- the train uh, departs, from uh, Rockport Station. Uh… and- and as it departs, it has started to, uh, begin its journey through the Teeth, the, uh, mountain range that connects the two major landmasses.

Travis: Next it’ll be the tongue, and then the throat.

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh,

Clint: Here it comes!

Travis: And these are the enunciators!

Griffin: [crosstalk] And then through-- and then through the gully works.

Clint: Let’s head into the car, so we can talk to those guys.

Griffin: Okay, um, you go into the, uh, you go into the passenger car. Uh, nobody is actually there right now. Uh, you hear the sound of-- You hear somebody from the, uh, car behind you, from the dining car. Uh, you hear a voice going like,



Travis: Oh, we run in there! I wanna know what it is!

Clint: Let’s go into the dining car.

Griffin: [amused] You go into the dining car, where you hear, uh, these, uh, exclamations. The dining car is the fanciest car on the train. There are a couple of, uh, uh, crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, over, uh, eight or nine, uh, you know, five-seat tables, uh, that are all very, uh, intricately set with crimson tablecloths and gold cutlery, uh, on them. Uh, there are large windows overlooking the uh, the--well, the nothing. You’re going through a mountain. Uh, but there are actually some, uh, either magical or just sort of bioluminescent, uh, lights that you will pass by every few seconds or so. Just to let you know that you are making progress, so somehow they’ve- they’ve set up a, uh, some interior lighting inside of this train route.

Griffin: Uh, in this car, you don’t see Jess the Beheader. But you do see the fancy boy, he’s sitting at a table in the corner, uh, still reading his book, just sort of surveying the scene. Uhhm, and uh, you see on one of the walls, on the far side of the room is almost like a- a little booth, like a, almost like a confessional chamber that has its door open. Uhh. And, uh, you see Jenkins standing outside of it, seems to be channeling some sort of spell onto the- the- the chamber, and then emerging from the chamber is the Juicy Wizard, uh, who says, uh,



Griffin: And, uh, Jenkins says,



Justin: [crosstalk] It’s Seaman, Griffin. I just realized.

Griffin: That’s what it was. It was Seaman. He’s uh-- his eyes are still kind of red, and the guy, the Hedge Wizard asks,



Griffin: And Jenkins says,



[Someone snorts]

Clint: “I met these three jerks--”



Griffin: Uh, he says, uh,



Travis: I lay my hand-- I lay my hand on Jenkins' shoulder and say,



Travis: And I squeeze gently.



Clint: I'm still trying to do the Scottish thing!

Griffin: Kind of!



Griffin: Nope. And I'm not complaining! I'm just like, pick one!

Justin: If he- if he does-- If you do that voice, I'm gonna have him port you to the pleasure room in the inky blackness of space.



[Griffin laughs]



Griffin: And he points to the left--



Justin: And also you can’t do that-



[crosstalk agreement and giggling]

Travis: Where’s Flintlock Gongold or whatever the fuck his name is?

Griffin: It was Flintlock Glompgold, Trav, you got it. Uhhm.



Justin: Yeah, I don’t feel like we’re grounded enough yet to kind of know what we’re doing here.



Travis: I go sit next to the fancy lad.

Griffin: Ok, uhh, are- are the other two following suit?

Clint: Yes, I want to walk up to the fancy lad and I want to say to him,



Clint: and I pull out my Xtreme Teen Bible,



[Long Pause]



Griffin: He says.



Travis: [crosstalk] This’s been some solid Dungeons and Dragons-ing.



Travis: Really moving the story forward!

[laughter]



Travis: I nudge- I nudge Taako.



[Justin laughs]



[Clint laughs]



[Clint laughs]



[Justin laughing]



Travis: [laughs] It’s a word not spoken since the birth of dragons.

[Justin laughing continues, barely stifled]



Justin: [still laughing] Just let it ride.



Clint: Merle casts Zone of Truth.



[Travis laughs]



Griffin: Ok.

Travis: And- and Clinton, remind me, does this affect all of us in the zone?

Clint: No it’s just whoever I target it.

Travis: Oh thank Jesus.

Griffin: I don’t think that’s true.

Justin: I don’t actually think that’s accurate either.

Griffin: I think the Zone of Truth is a zone. Otherwise it would just be called Truth Beam- and you would hit it-

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, he rolled a 24.

Clint and Justin: What?

Griffin: And he-

Travis: No that’s too low, we were looking for a 25.



Justin: Can I- can I have a little side chat? If this fool just rolled a 24, he is uhh a really fucking bad guy. That’s like some mysterious shit.

Travis: [crosstalk whispering] He’s the bad guy!

Griffin: That’s racist!

Travis: You can’t hear this, we’re whispering!

Griffin: Right.

Clint: [crosstalk] Nah, he-he heard us!

Justin: This is clearly out of character!

Griffin: Yeah, and this is out of character too. I’m telling you you’re being racist right now. Just because someone rolls good, that makes them evil? It’s- it’s a luck-based-

Travis: Rolling good is a race, Griffin?

Griffin: It’s a luck-based mechanism-

Travis: I’ve seen the dice!

Clint: How can y- how can you roll a 20-sided dice and get a 24?

Griffin: He had a lotta charisma. He’s a charismatic young man.

Travis: [laughing] He’s- he’s in the Boy Scouts of America, he volunteers at his local soup kitchen, he’s a great kid. [whispering] He’s definitely the bad guy!

Clint: Magnus, kill him.

Travis: Well-

Clint: Kill him.

Travis: Hold on, he’s still a kid.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Well don’t- he’s a little boy.

Justin: We’re not going to kill a little boy.



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: As you turn to walk away from him, you swear that you see the color of his eyes just turn blood red, [laughter] and- No, I’m fucking with you. That’s not true. Umm, you’re going to talk to Juicy Wizard?

Travis: Mhmm.

Justin: [quietly] No-

Griffin: Ok, Juicy- Juicy Wizard is uh, sort of, uh, running his hands over the pleasure room chamber, like, just sort of eyeballing it. Like, studying it almost? And he’s like-



[loud overlapping laughing and agreeing]



Travis: [crosstalk] [laughs] Totally!



[Someone makes a shushing sound]



Griffin: I’m trying to--



Travis: He’s aging before our very eyes!

[laughter]



[Clint laughs]



[Clint chuckles]



Clint: Hm.

Travis: He is thirty-six.



Griffin: he says, is, uh,



[Clint laughs]



Travis: I lean over to Taako.



[Clint laughs]

Justin: I said that loud enough so that Jenkins could hear.

[laughter]



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Um, he says--



Griffin: Uh, and he, uh, walks [amused] just not very far away from you. Uh, he- he walks, uh, like eight feet away from you and sits down at a table by himself. It was very clear he didn’t have any pressing, like, engagement that he needed to get to. He just-- I think he preferred not your company at that point.

Clint: We are really making friends on this train.

Justin: Influencing people.

[the music plays, a final message from Griffin about their sponsors, and the episode ends]