The Adventure Zone: Live in Atlanta!/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Hey this is Griffin, real quick, this is going to be the live show that we recorded in Atlanta earlier this month. We were not able to record a new episode— we had a pretty narrow window to do so because Travis was in London for the London Podcast Festival, and then between surgeries and sick babies and stuff, we just— we weren’t able to get together and record, and I’m sorry that we have to go a month between new Amnesty episodes, but we will be back two Thursdays from now with a new episode of Amnesty. So, until then, I hope you enjoy this live Balance episode from Atlanta, Georgia!

[intro music fades in, audience cheers]

Justin: Hey Paul, I meant to tell you I’m gonna be doing a new bit where I throw my umbrella up— way up in the rafters like Prince? And I need somebody to catch it and make it disappear like Prince.

Travis: Also, Paul? Thank you for setting up my area like the interesting person in the office.

Griffin: Yeah. Travis has a lot of flair right now. Could I get, like, 8 times more monitor than I’m currently getting right now?

Justin: That’s an exaggeration, of course. You do work in numbers, so I can see how you could be confused.

Griffin: No, ruin me! Ruin me with your monitor! Pierce me with these sound waves. Hello Atlanta, Georgia. Thank you— [audience cheers] Let’s see… Oh, that is nice, thank you Paul. Hi, Atlanta. Thanks for coming to The Adventure Zone. I know we’re out here, a little bit outside the city, outside of Dra— Everybody’s at DragonCon, right? [audience cheers] Okay.

Justin: That’s a looooot of dragons. Dang, I’m glad you all—

Travis: But it’s the one time a year they get together!

Griffin: Can we get the house lights turned on? And then… Okay, okay, if you are cosplaying, please stand up. Cosplayers? It’s everyone.

Justin: We’re gonna get to a point in—

Griffin: Please, god, turn the house lights off.

Justin: Yeah, it’s so many— so many people.

Travis: They’re too beautiful!

Justin: We’re gonna get to a point in The Adventure Zone where somebody’s going to be wearing like, a nice button-down and some khakis, and people are going to be like, “And who the fuck are you? I don’t get it, I’m sorry. My friends and I have been over there for like 20 minutes trying to figure it out. Who are you?”

And it’s like, “I’m… just Greg?”

“Oh, Tuff Greg?”

“No, not Tuff Greg. I’m just a regular Greg. I’m just Greg.”

Griffin: Do we introduce ourselves on this one? I forget.

Clint: We can.

Justin: My name is Justin McElroy and I portray the role of Taako, an elf. [audience cheers]

Travis: My name is Travis McElroy and I embody Magnus Burnsides. [audience cheers]

Clint: Tonight the role of Merle Highchurch will be played by me, Clint McElroy. [audience cheers]

Griffin: I’m Griffin, and I do everyone else! [audience cheers]

Justin: Okay, um. A quick confession: Travis said “I embody Magnus Burnsides.” I thought he said, “I am Bobby ‘Magnus’ Burnsides.” It’s like, whoa! We waited this long to—

Travis: Yeah. Big reveal!

Justin: Bobby Burnsides is your character?! And Magnus is a nickname! Okay, fine!

Griffin: I also love how Travis has done both shows here in Atlanta with his full arms exposed. [audience cheers]

Travis: Well. I don’t know if you know this, but it is quite hot here!

Griffin: It is a little hot. Speaking of hot things, are you all ready for… adventure? [audience cheers]

Travis: Huh.

Griffin: We are now in the adventure. The three of you are in a fitting room.

Justin: Mkay.

Griffin: You have absolutely no memory of how you got here, you have no memory of the three of you hanging out in a clothing retailer or finding a promising garment that you’d like to audition in a fitting room.

Travis: Wait, ever? We’ve never done this?

Griffin: Not… that would put you in one now. But you are in one now, you’re in a fitting room. It’s lined with several booths covered in floor-to-ceiling privacy curtains. There are benches in between them, a place for weary friends to wait and provide feedback during a fashion montage.

This is where the three of you find yourselves: in a nondescript fitting room with no exits, all alone. What do you do?

Travis: Smash the mirror! [audience laughs]

Griffin: Roll. A— d20.

Travis: 13! Plus 10! 23!

Griffin: Uh, you smash a mirror, and it— behind it, is what appears to be outer space. And it starts to suck you out into the vacuum of space to die, but then the mirror reforms very quickly, magically and mysteriously. And, attracted by the noise, a figure slides open one of the curtains and steps out of the booth. It is an unimposing, inconceivable figure who says,



Griffin: It is, indeed, Garfield the Deals Warlock.

Justin: Quick interlude. Today I went outside DragonCon for 10 minutes, and I saw a Garfield out there that greeted me warmly. He was offering deals to people that passed by in the line. As this Garfield and I were conversing, another Garfield came up and accused him of stealing his territory. The two of them made peace, and are lifelong friends now, I assume.

Griffin: Garfield says,



[audience ‘aww’s, Griffin laughs which causes the audience to laugh]

Justin: Don’t pity him! He may be the worst thing—

Travis: He built my body out of blood!

Justin: He’s the worst!



Travis: Don’t try to spin a yarn like that was Garfield’s plan all al— [Garfield impression] “I’m building a backup for Magnus, if he should need it!”

Griffin: [Garfield voice] “You got touched by an angel!” And he grows angel wings, and flies off. He says,



[everyone laughs]

Travis: [still laughing] In the front row, you were so shocked by that! I watched you go, [dramatic gasping noise]. I thought it was great. Thank you for going on this journey with us.









Griffin: He says,







Griffin: He strokes his— whatever he’s got inside of there.

Travis: He strokes his shadow.

Griffin: He says,




 * Taako, Magnus, and Merle: [uncertain noises]





Griffin: Magnus, Garfield takes out a slip of paper and writes a number on it, showing you what one share in the Fantasy Costco is worth and hands it to the three of you.

















[audience laughs]



[beat]



[audience cheers]

Griffin: He says,



Griffin: And he turns, and he walks over to one of the curtains in these changing booths. And he takes a deep breath and then throws it open, and suddenly, all the curtains in the room are blown about by a sharp, howling wind that blows in through the booth. Garfield struggles to keep his footing until the wind subsides, at which point he gestures into the booth, and beyond the curtain is the elemental plane of fire.

Travis: Magnus hurries forward. [audience cheers]

Justin: (Got the swords? ?) During the break?

Travis: Magnus makes a speedy exit!

Griffin: It’s pretty warm in there. All of you—

Travis: Magnus rips the sleeve off his shirt.

Griffin: Sure. [audience cheers] As you all step through the curtain, Garfield draws it closed behind you, and suddenly the curtain disappears. And now, you’re just standing on this large hill covered in pebbles of black volcanic rock. And before you is the entrance to a city, a massive, sprawling city with towering buildings, all with a uniform aesthetic. They’re all made out of this shiny polished brass.

There are no walls that surround this town, just a few streams of lava pouring out of this great fire sea behind the city. And this city of brass extends up a slope, almost like an amphitheater, ending at a huge outcropping of rock that hangs over this sea of molten lava below. And on that cliff is a castle, also made out of glistening brass.

Also worth noting: there’s no sky in the plane of fire. There’s just a ceiling of black rock that hangs above you, as far as the eye can see. At certain points, little rivers of lava are pouring down from fissures in the ceiling, and one particularly large crack is positioned right above this brass castle, which is pouring down this thick column of lava down onto the structure itself.

Travis: Did you intentionally design it to look like the Netherworld in Minecraft, or…? [audience cheers]

Griffin: Is that what the Minecraft world looks like? Okay. [chuckling] No, I didn’t. I’m so sorry.

Travis: I’m just savin’ you the tweets!

Griffin: And Garfield points to this castle and he’s like,









Griffin: He says,



Griffin: And he reaches into the bag, and he pulls out three frosty-cold bottles of Cheerwine, which he— [audience cheers] cracks open and he hands to each of you, and he says,



[audience laughs]

Travis: Magnus slams it and starts runnin’!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: We’ve only got two hours!

Griffin: You all make your way through the city of brass as you approach the castle at the edge of town—

Travis: Wait, hold on! Are there, like, denizens?

Griffin: There doesn’t seem to be denizens. At least not on the streets. Most of the buildings have had their windows and doors boarded up. A tumbleweed actually rolls down the street towards you, and then bursts into flames. [Clint and Travis laugh]

And as you reach the castle, you see a conflict brewing at its gates. You see two salamanders, these huge, hulking, red, humanoid lizard creatures that are native to the plane of fire. They’re holding spears, and they appear to be escorting what seems to be a large, living fireball away from the castle. One of the guards tries to kick the fireball’s butt as it saunters away, and then recoils ’cause their foot kinda catches fire a little bit.

And the two guards return to their posts and the fireball wanders in your direction, and as he approaches your party, he says,







[audience laughs]



Griffin: As he starts talking to you, he moans a little bit, and he appears to shrink slightly. And he says,



Clint: [laughing] So he got--





[audience cheers]

Travis: I feel like when Dad does one of those, cowbells should start ringing, and like fireworks should go off, like, “Ooh! Somebody just won a thousand dollars!” [audience laughs]

Griffin: He says,



Griffin: And as he says that, he shrinks a little bit more, as if the fire is fading a little bit.

Travis: I grab some of my scrap wood from the Pocket Workshop [Griffin: Okay.] and feed it to him.

Griffin: Oh, he grows big and strong,



Clint: [chuckling] Now you don’t have to do that voice!







[audience laughs]











Griffin: He shrinks a little bit.

Travis: Yeah, I was gonna say.

Justin: He looks exactly like my brother Griffin!











Clint: Uh-oh!

Travis: I toss ’im some wood chips.

Justin: Thank you.



Travis: Not that many.

















Travis: I throw some more wood chips.



Travis: More than that!



Travis: I throw some water on ’im!



Travis: Less than that.









Griffin: And he floats away towards town. And watching this whole exchange are these two salamander guards.

Travis: [impersonating the guards] “That’s fucked up!”

Griffin: And as they see you approach the gate, one of them, a bit larger and more imposing than his companion, speaks and says,









[beat]



[audience cheers]

Griffin: And the smaller guard— I did not think about the fact that you can play that card, [Travis: Yeah!] pretty much whenever the fuck! The smaller guard says,













Justin: What is this guard again? It’s a salamander?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s like a big red lizard-folk.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Why d’you ask? You got some—

Justin: No! Just, wanna create a mental picture for myself. Wanna take everybody on this journey with me who may not have been paying very close attention.

Griffin: The smaller guard says,







Griffin: And the two gua--



[laughter]

Justin: I di— Wait, you could’ve made him roll a die, at least, to see if that worked. Did you just decide in your head? That’s not Dungeons and Dragons! That’s Dungeons and Griffin!

Griffin: Why don’t you— Then one of them says,



Justin: There it is!

Clint: Here we go!

Griffin: Why don’t you roll a persuasion check?

Justin: Master of persuasion.

Griffin: It’s a d20.

Travis: That’s an eight.

Griffin: [skeptical] Is that the 20-sided dice?

Travis: [regretfully] Yeah. Plus a one. So nine.



Travis: Now, hold on! Hold on, hold on. That would’ve been intimidation. Right? ’Cause it’s like, you wanna fuck with us.

Griffin: Oh yeah, sure, sure.

Travis: Alright. So it’s actually a 14.

Griffin: Oh. Yeah, that does—



Clint: So can we— can we kill ’em anyway?

Travis: Dad! Yes!

Griffin: I mean they’re standing--

Travis: I attack them. [audience “Oh!”s]

Justin: No you don’t! No you don’t. No you don’t.

Travis: I don’t.

Justin: He doesn’t.

Clint: Damn!

Griffin: They’re standing on bridge over a—

Travis: I push ’em!

Griffin: — a moat of lava…!

Travis: I push ’em, but then I kinda catch ’em back, I’m like,



[audience laughs]



















Clint: And then you push ’em off.

Travis: No!

Griffin: They just— they’ve already walked away. They left a while ago.

Justin: [laughing] They just left us to do our Batman impressions.

Griffin: [amused] Yes.

Travis: [laughing] As Taako and Magnus do Batman impressions back and forth!

Justin: Listen to this one. [exaggerated Batman impression] “Where’s Falcone?”

[laughter]

Griffin: So, even with your Cheerwine protection from the sort of ambient heat of this place, you feel this oppressive wave of heat coming from in front of you, because across the bridge through the gate that you are currently in front of, is— the entrance to the castle. It is covered completely by a waterfall of lava. This column of lava that’s falling from the rock ceiling of the plane is splashing against the roof and just falling down, just forming this solid wall, this nonstop cascade of lava, that pours down through this black obsidian grate at the far end of the bridge, cutting off access into the castle. There doesn’t seem to be any way past it. What do you do?

Travis: Well, I should’ve done this before, but I switch the Defender’s Dial to fire.

Griffin: Yeah, I figured.

Travis: Click!

Justin: So there’s a grate?

Griffin: Uh, yep. And the lava is pouring down into it. Through it, and sort of down into this moat of lava below the bridge.

Justin: I dunno. There’s nothing really to do, it’s fire, it’s lava, it’s so hot? It’s crazy, how hot it is! [scattered laughter] Tr— touch it, just—

Travis: No! [then almost immediately] Okay.

Justin: Umm…

Clint: Wait! [makes tutting noises] Neh, neh, neh, neh...

Travis: Well, let Dad fuck up!

Justin: [apathetic] Yeah.

[audience cheers, someone rings a bell]

Travis: Who does have a bell that they’re ringing? I love it! I conjured it into existence!

Clint: Merle… Is… Casts…

Justin: Mhmmm?!

Travis: [muffled] I saw the card!

Clint: Control Weather!

[audience laughs, the bell rings again]

Travis: That’s not what it says.

Clint: And makes it snow—

Travis: That is not what it says.

Clint: — on the lava.

Travis: That is not what it says. Can you read the card again?

Clint: I can read the card again.

Travis: And it says…

Clint: It’s right there.

Griffin: Travis? [beat] Okay.

[scattered laughter]

Justin: Why did you think that was going to fly?

Clint: ’Cause I’ve done it before!

Travis: Lied?! [audience laughs] You’ve bullshat?!

Clint: I have! I have bullshat before!

Griffin: Alright. Who has— Wizards of the Coast worked really hard on this game. Creating all sorts of spells and stunts and abilities—

Travis: Magnus casts Ice.

Justin: [laughs] A spell! Uh, I will cast Ice Storm, a fourth-level invocation spell.

Griffin: Alright.

Clint: Wh— But—

Justin: A hail of rock-hard ice pounds— [everyone bursts into laughter] It fuckin’ says it! A hail of rock-hard ice pounds to the ground— [everyone laughs] Why is this spell description a fucking Chuck Tingle story?! A hail of rock— [Southern accent] a hail of rock-hard ice pounds into the ground, with all its buds, [Griffin starts singing ‘bow chicka wow-wow’] in a 20-foot radius, 40-foot-high cylinder centered on any point within range of the grate.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Each creature— And then it’s like, etc., etc., but, it takes 2d8 bludgeoning damage and 4d6 cold damage. It’s more of an attack, but, you get what I’m goin’ for.

Griffin: Sure, sure. I don’t necessarily know what you’re going f— I get, you’re using ice on the grate and the lava, but what’re you thinking this’ll do?

Travis: Obviously, Griffin, that the ice would form, and then it would harden into onyx, as the— or no, what’s the word, obsidia— no— What am I looking for?

[audience members yell out “obsidian”]

Clint: Rocks.

Travis: Obsidian.

Griffin: Okay. I was just tryin’a—

Travis: And create an archway that we can walk through!

Griffin: Uh, it doesn’t create an archway. It does create a solid sort of panel of obsidian now immediately in front of you—

Travis: That’s not how that would work.

Griffin: — But the lava is now kind of cascading off of—

Justin: Okay, then I, uh—

Travis: Then I smash through it!

Griffin: Okay. Roll an attack roll. It’s obsidian, which is— pretty hard, yes?

[audience yells out ‘yeah’]

Griffin: Yes. Quite hard.

Travis: Uh, it’s a 14?

Griffin: A 14? Uh, no! Take 16 points of damage, you’re just punching fucking obsidian! Merle?

Clint: I actually have something!

Griffin: Merle has the floor!

Clint: He has a spell called Shape Stone.

Griffin: Oh good!

[audience cheers, someone rings a bell]

Clint: It can make a 5-foot hole!

Griffin: Good!

Clint: In the panel!

Griffin: Yes!

Clint: Right?!

Griffin: Yes!

[audience cheers]

Clint: What do I roll?

Griffin: [amused] Nothing, I think you just do it.

Clint: [yells] Yeah! [Griffin laughs] I do it! Right through the rock-hard stuff!

Griffin: You form a door in the obsidian panel, and create a doorway for all of you to pass through into the castle. You have solved my lava puzzle.

[audience cheers]

Travis: And… ? What do we do now?

Griffin: Alright. You pass through the archway you created, and then through these large iron double doors that give way as you press against them, which opens up into a large, empty entrance hall.

Travis: I open the door for Taako and Merle.

Griffin: Aww!

Travis: I just wanted to establish that someone opened the door.

Griffin: Alright.

Clint: That I made.

Travis: No. A different door, that Griffin made, with his words.

Clint: [crestfallen] Oh.

Justin: A Griffin-door, if you will!

Griffin: Ha-ha-hey! [audience cheers]

Clint: Do we go Slytherin through the Griffin-door? [audience cheers, Travis laughs]

Travis: [amused] Y’all rock hard.

Griffin: This is a easy episode for me. [they laugh] You pass through some double doors into a large entrance hall—

Travis: Is it a family double door? [Clint laughs]

Griffin: There are massive pillars boasting decorate weapons and armor that are lining both sides of a dazzling red carpet that extends forward to a staircase, which, along with the walkway that it led up to, has collapsed in on itself. [audience cheers] Thank you, Paul.

Most of this room, actually, is in a state of disarray. There are unlit sconces everywhere. The only source of light is radiating from these trickles of lava dripping down the walls from cracks in the ceiling. The only exit from this room is on the far wall, to the left of this ruined staircase.

There’s a large stone door with a frame etched in eldritch runes, which are the most [chuckling] magical runes that there are. In the center of this door, built right into the rock, is a small metal padlock with a keyhole on its face. This is a puzzle, so please pay attention.

Travis: I punch it.

Griffin: Fuck, man, that was it. [Justin laughs] There were so many other things, but the only thing you had to do was punch it! And your fist went in the keyhole, you turned it a little bit…

Clint: I think that was sarcasm, Trav.

Justin: Alright, establish all the beats so far. I’m dialed in now.

Griffin: Okay. To the left of the door are a few eye-catching objects. The first is a pile of metal ingots, arranged in a pyramid right to the side of the door. Placed neatly on top of the pile is a single piece of white chalk. Also, a few feet from the pile of ingots is a relief built into the wall. It depicts a large, burly salamander. It looks like you guys are taking a fuckin’ SAT prep-- [audience laughs] class over there.

Justin: You have never asked us to do a puzzle. [Griffin laughs] In a live venue.

Griffin: One of this salamander’s arms is jutting out of the relief, curled upwards, its fist clenched around a large hammer. This figure is standing above a large anvil that stands immediately below the relief, right above the arm holding the hammer, as if it could come down to strike it. Also, this salamander’s mouth is open in a wide ‘O’ shape, as if caught in the middle jovial laughter…

[beat]

Travis: [amused] I take the chalk and draw a penis next to it.

Griffin: Okay, nothing happens.

Travis: Dammit!

Griffin: There is a metallic plaque in the shape of a banner that hangs over this relief, giving the subject depicted a name: Scald. What do you do?

Justin: Take the hammer. I take the hammer.

Griffin: The hammer is built into the relief. You cannot take it.

Travis: I put one of the ingots between the hammer and the anvil.

Griffin: Nothing happens.

Travis: I leave it there and say,



Justin: Now wait— now wait! You had your dumb one, now Dad, what’s your thing?

Clint: I pull Nitpicker out of my bag!

Griffin: Okay. [audience cheers]









[audience laughs]

Travis: [sheepishly] Can I try the lock first?

Griffin: Sure.

[pause]

Travis: It’s a 20. [audience cheers]

Griffin: [impressed] Whoa...

Clint: [discouraged] I put Nitpicker back in the bag.

Travis: It’s a nat 20.

Justin: [crosstalk] Can we not, maybe— can we just do the puzzle, though?

Griffin: With a nat 20, the eldritch runes light up as you stick your thieves’ tools into the padlock, and attempt to electrocute you extremely badly, but with a nat 20, you pull back real, real fast. [Justin chuckles] And they do not. The door remains locked.



Griffin: There are so many things you could do to solve a puzzle with all the beautiful skills that Gary Gygax gave to you, [Travis (?) laughs] my beautiful family.

Clint: Do the ingots move? Can we move them?

Griffin: You can pick ’em up, yeah.

Travis: I’m gonna roll an Investigation check.

Griffin: ’Kay.

Travis: Fifteen?

Griffin: With a 15, you find a few traces of chalk, just a few l’il grains of chalk on the surface of the anvil, just kinda off to the edge.

Travis: Put the chalk on the anvil?

Griffin: You place the chalk on the anvil. Nothin’ happens!

Justin: I’m gonna roll— this may be the same bit of flavor text, but I’m gonna roll a Perception check, uhm… that… is gonna be a 13. I’m basically looking for like, things that look like they’re used regularly to access this pathway.

Griffin: All of it. The ingots, the chalk, the anvil, all of it.

Justin: So it’s all part of it?

Griffin: It’s all kind of part of the puzzle.

Justin: The ingots and the chalk are… part of it.

Griffin: Yes. Merle? Wait, what are you rollin’, pal?

Clint: A Perception check, like everybody else!

Griffin: [loudly] Okay, there is nothing left to perceive! You have perceived everything in the puzzle!

[audience laughs]

Travis: Do Insight. Do Insight.

Clint: An Insight check, then!

Griffin: To see if—

Travis: To see if you, Griffin, are lying.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Okay, insight! I rolled a— an eight? Plus 12. Twenty!

Justin: No.

Travis: What’s up!

Justin: No. No, there is no fuckin’—

Travis: He is very insightful.

Clint: Here, look!

Travis: It says it, on his lying sheet right there!

Griffin: With a 12 Insight—

Travis & Clint: No, it’s 20.

Griffin: A 20 Insight, you insightfully—

Travis: — know that Griffin is hiding—

Griffin: — [slowly] see some scrape… marks on the corner— on the edges of the big, circular, open mouth, as if something has scraped against it.

Travis: [softly] I put an ingot... in the mouth.

Griffin: You put an ingot in the mouth and hear a clunking noise as it slides down into the belly of this thing, and its eyes light up red and some smoke pours out of its mouth as something inside of it activates.

Clint: And we all turn into Tom Hanks!

Travis: Exactly what happened in Big!

Griffin: That’s what happens in Big, some dude goes up to a fortune teller and is like— [crosstalk with Travis] “Oh, my life’s not goin’ so great,” and then he turns into a Tom Hanks.

Justin: [laughing] He puts an ingot in the mouth of a—

Griffin: The mouth of Zolta— Zolt— whatever.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: That’s it! That’s all that happens that time.

Justin: Is there clearly— Okay. Is there anything on the statue that looks like it, uh, it like, moves? Hinges… like—

Griffin: There is a hinge on the elbow. The arm sticking out holding the hammer.

Travis: I take the chalk and write “open” on the anvil.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And then I put another ingot in.

Griffin: Before you even have time to put another ingot in, you write “open” on the anvil, and you see some molten metal actually lift up from the surface of the anvil, from inside of it, and fill in the word that you have written. And then the hammer comes striking down on it, and then you have, just presented in front of you, O-P-E-N in metal, waiting for you on the anvil. Nothing else happens, though.

Justin: Okay, uh, I am going to take out… my Mockingbird Gum.

Griffin: [warily] Okay…

Justin: And I’m going to chew it up.

Griffin: Alright.

Justin: Then. I’m going to chew all of it up.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: And then I’m going to put it into the keyhole. And then I’m gonna… transmute it… Yeah, I can just transmute the substance. So I’m gonna use my Transmutation Stone to transmute it into…

Griffin: I’m just watching, it’s like the meme with like, all the math moving around the woman’s head.

Justin: Okay. And then I’m gonna transmute it into wood.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: ’Cause I have the Transmutation Stone. I’m gonna transmute it into wood. And then I’ll pull it back out.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: What’s it look like?

Griffin: [flatly] A key.

Justin: No I mean— I’m gonna trace that exact key with the chalk.

Griffin: Okay! [audience cheers]

Travis: [sings most of a victory theme, but Griffin interrupts the last few notes]

Griffin: You trace that key with the chalk, and it’s sitting there, but the thing is not acting on it.

Travis: I put another ingot in it.

Griffin: [amused] Okay, yeah, metal rises up from the anvil and fills in the tracing of the key. The hammer comes down and strikes it, and now you’ve got yourselves a key goin’. [audience cheers]

Justin: And then I throw that key! Away!

Travis: No! Wait! Taako— ! [Griffin laughs]

Justin: And I say,



Justin: Uh, I just fuckin’ bury the key. Into the hole. [Clint laughs]

Travis: Rock hard!

Justin: Rock-hard key!

Griffin: As you do that, you don’t even need to turn it. The padlock falls away and a split opens in the middle of the door, and it slides open. That was a good— [audience cheers] As you go to leave through this room, you notice a few things among the debris in this sort of ruined entryway. They look like discarded weapons and pieces of armor lying amidst the rubble.

And as you sort of turn to leave, it looks like they kind of move with a mind of their own. They scoot a little bit closer and closer to your party, slowly, and then they stop right at Magnus’s feet. And then they kinda like, hang there for a second? And then they fall back down to the ground motionless.



Griffin: Garfield says,





Griffin: Uh, I mean, you can, if you want. But they appear to just be... kinda shitty pieces of armor. Not any better than the pieces of armor you’ve got now.

Travis: Yeah, but they moved…

Griffin: They’re not moving anymore.

Travis: And you made a point to mention it.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you can put ’em on.



Justin: Okay. I’ll do an Arcana check. That is a… six plus one.





Travis: Magnus said that in-character.

Clint: I do an Arcana check.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Ten. Plus… what?

Travis: Nothing. You have, somehow, no Arcana.

Clint: [crosstalk] No! No— oh, no.

Griffin: Uh, I’m gonna say, both of you, and Taako, I think you get a little bump, just because it’s kinda home turf, there’s transmutation magic— hella transmutation magic comin’ off these things. They have been transmutated. And… yes. You know that much.

Travis: I put them on.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I take his old armor!

Travis: No, I transfer it to the Pocket Workshop, I’m not leaving it behind.

Griffin: You’re wearing, now, platemail armor. It’s not necessarily your aesthetic—

Travis: [stage whisper] Why did it— Hey. Ignore them.

Griffin: [stage whisper] Okay.

Travis: [stage whisper] Why did it move? [Griffin and audience laugh]

Griffin: [pointedly] The door from the entrance hall—

Travis: No, no, no, no, Griffin. We’re brothers.

Griffin: — opens up—

Travis: We’re kin.

Griffin: — to the throne room.

Travis: My flesh, my blood!

Griffin: You are standing in a large rectangular room.

Travis: I thought I knew you.

Griffin: [amused] Yes. [audience laughs] Look at the clock… Oh, no!

You have reached the throne room of the castle. It’s a large, rectangular room. About halfway in from your position are these two large, thick columns of lava falling in through cut holes in the ceiling down into grate-covered holes in the floor. There is no far wall to this room. There is just simply a half-dozen or so pillars that— I don’t know why I said “or so.” It’s six. Like, I—

Travis: [amused] Six-ish. Give or take.

Justin: Seven, five… [chuckling] Who knows.

Griffin: There are exactly six—

Justin: You’re not gonna sit there and count ’em like an asshole.

Griffin: There are six pillars—

Travis: Who has the time?!

Griffin: There are six pillars that run from the floor to the ceiling, beyond which you can just see, open, the Great Fire Sea, which boils just below the precipice that this castle stands on. It’s just a sheer drop-off, if you went through these pillars. The room is filled with suits of armor, that are flanking you on both sides—

Travis: Do they move?

Griffin: They are not. They are carrying various weapons. They’re arranged in rows to your left and right, just this army of armor that fills a majority of the room, silently watching the royal proceedings. And, at the end of this room is a dais, and a stone throne, upon which sits the only other person in this room: a big, burly salamander who, you recognize from the relief outside, is King Scald.

Travis: Is he laughing?

Griffin: [amused] Yeah, sure.

Travis: That’s how we— First we’re looking at ’im, “Mmm...”, and then he laughed and we’re like, “Ohh!”

Clint: [impression of Scald laughing]

Griffin: He says,



Travis: [Bowser impression] “I’m gonna marry Princess Peach!” [audience laughs and cheers]

Griffin: He says,







[audience cheers]

























Griffin: Garfield kind of waves nervously as you say that, and Scald says,



[audience makes noises of anticipation]

Griffin: Says,



[audience cheers]

Griffin: King Scald looks at Magnus and says,



[audience cheers]



[audience cheers]

Griffin: Scald says,













[audience laughs]





[audience laughs]



Griffin: And then he gestures upwards, and there are swords and spears and axes hanging all around the room, each of which features a name plate. There’s “Queen Ashspine”, “Duke Incindius”, and so on. And he says,



Griffin: And he motions to a plaque hanging—



Griffin: He motions to a plaque on the wall, hanging above the throne. It’s a long plaque with two hooks turned upward which held, once, a great, wicked sword. And underneath, there’s a name plate that reads, “King Wrathfang.” And Scald says,



Griffin: And he taps his hammer against the armrest of the throne, and the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom is pulled from your hands into his free hand. [audience cheers] And he looks at the sword, and says,



Griffin: We’re gonna take an intermission right now! [audience cheers] We’ll be right back with Act Two!

[commercial break: 46:10-50:38]

Griffin: How was the initiative roll for everybody?

Travis: I got a 21.

Griffin: Jesus.

Justin: Sixteen.

Clint: Twenty.

Justin: The Hangback Kid.

Griffin: Wow, Jesus.

Clint: Oh, wait! I roll twice.

Griffin: This is true!

Justin: You remember that.

Clint: We’ll stay with the 20. [audience laughs]

Griffin: Okay. First in the order is Magnus, with a 21. You, uh— [audience “ooh”s]

Travis: It’s hot in here!

Griffin: What the fuck just ha— ? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess there’s columns of lava in this room and an open wall looking out into the Great Fire Sea— it would be, kinda red in there. Uh, you see Scald tap his hammer on the throne one more time. He’s already holding the— your sword, well, technically Taako’s sword, in his other hand, and his hammer—

Travis: Well, when you give a gift to a friend, Griffin!

Griffin: Sure. As he taps it a second time, though, a few of the suits of armor flanking you on either side of the room come to life and start marching toward you. Magnus, it’s your turn with a 21!

Travis: Let me finish this text.

Griffin: [miffed] Really, dawg.

Travis: No. [amused] I’m looking up what Disarming Strike does. [audience cheers] “D… and… D”. [audience laughs] Mhm… I’ll roll for the attack first.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis and Justin: [gravely, in unison] Mm. [audience laughs]

Travis: I’m gonna call that interference on the bag.

Griffin and Clint: [in unison] No!

Travis: Okay. It’s a 12, so I miss with that, but then I attack five more times. [audience laughs] So that’s a 19?

Griffin: A 19 is a hit.

Travis: Okay. And then I’m gonna roll… Okay, who here knows how Disarming Strike works?

Griffin: Okay, hold on, this is not going to be good audio. [sing-song] Let’s open up the Player’s Handbook, didn’t think I would have to open it during the show. But that’s okay! Sometimes you gotta read a book on stage.

Justin: [laughs] This is what y’all crave, right, Reddit? [audience cheers] So cool of Reddit to be here tonight. [laughter]

Griffin: “You add your Superiority Dice to the attack’s damage roll, and the target must make a Strength saving throw”— What are you attacking with, by the way?

Travis: [with pep] Chance Lance!

Griffin: Chance Lance, okay. So that’s a d10, for damage.

Travis: Uh, eight?

Griffin: Okay. 22, is what I have to beat. Great. [pause] No. I didn’t do it. What do you— which— he’s got two things, what are you tryin’a make him drop?

[beat]

Travis: My sword!

Griffin: Okay. The Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom drops to the ground. [audience cheers]

Travis: I catch it, before it hits the ground.

Griffin: Technically, it says it lands at its feet, in the Disarming Strike.

Travis: Then I get it, like “hah!”, at the feet.

Griffin: Okay. You get your sword back.

Travis: And I stab ’em… into the ribs!

Justin: That seems like two actions to me.

Travis: Okay!

Griffin: Next in the order is… Merle.

Clint: First, I’d just like to point out, that, Merle does have Control Weather.

Griffin: Okay, but you didn’t fuckin’ have the card out! Thank you, Clint. What is your action?

Clint: Uhm. I’m gonna do somethin’ real cleric-y.

Griffin: Cool.

Clint: And cast, uh… Guardian of Faith! [audience cheers]

Griffin: Excellent. Where does Della Reese appear? I would say sort of the two zones in this fight right now are sort of where the armor is sort of approaching you from the sides of the room, or where King Scald is, sort close to the back of the room.

Clint: Towards the suits of armor.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Yeah. So, I cast that, and the amazing… angelic… Della Reese appears. [audience cheers]

Griffin: Yes. What uh- Can you read me some of that flavor? ’Cause I know they have to make saving throws.

Clint: Oh yeah. Yeah. Um, [mumbles as if fast-forwarding] “any creature hostile to you that moves to a space within 10 feet of the guardian for the first time on a turn must succeed on a Dexterity saving throw.”

Griffin: Okay. These armor things act as a swarm, so I’m going to roll one Dex save for all of them. That is a 15, which I believe your spell save is a 20— I looked at all your numbers backstage, [chuckling] so that we didn’t waste any time— uh, they do not save. So what happens?

Clint: The creature takes 20 Radiant damage!

Griffin: Wow. [audience cheers]

Travis: And?

Clint: What else do you want? No, that’s it! Yeah. It was a failed save, correct?

Griffin: Okay, yeah. They take 20 Radiant damage.

Clint: [crosstalk] 20 Radiant damage! Have you guys never played this game before?!

Griffin: Uh there were s— [crosstalk] Oh, Jesus Christ. Uh, there were six suits of armor approaching you, three from the left, three from sort of the right flank, and as they enter into Della Reese’s attack zone, she takes down three of them. Three remain, marching towards you. [audience cheers] Next in the order is… the living armor! The three remaining, moving, living armor pieces, the ones that have not sort of clattered to the ground, approach Merle and seek vengeance. They attack you as a swarm… That is, a 21 versus AC.

Travis: It’s a disadvantage ’cause I’m standing right there and I’m a Defender.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [enunciating] I’m a protection fighter!

Griffin: Uh, 19 versus AC.

Travis: It does tie.

Clint: Nineteen.

Griffin: Tie goes to the attacker, unfortunately.

Travis: [tsks] Hey, sorry ’bout that.

Griffin: Uh, they cut’cha up good with their axes and swords… for… Yowza! Twenty-two points of Slashing damage. [audience “ooh”s]

Travis: He’s fine!



Travis: Yep. [audience laughs]



Griffin: [over Merle] And with that, more— with that more suits of living armor come alive. Five more suits of living armor from the sides of the room start marching towards you. Next in the order is Taako!

Justin: [glumly] That’s so many living suits of armor, though…

Griffin: Yeah. There’s so many in this room.

Justin: How big are they?

Griffin: They’re… suit-of-armor-sized…

Travis: Somewhere between four and a half and six and a half feet. [audience members cheers]

Griffin: Yeah. In that range. There are six, there’s—

[audience laughs]

Travis: [amused] Somebody really liked that joke and I did too! Thank you for coming with me on that!

Justin: Um…

Griffin: Waitin’ on that new Taako EP to drop. [Justin laughs] He dropped some tracks on SoundCloud, it was… [affirming] it was fire.

Travis: Did it slap?

Griffin: It was, the slap. [Justin and audience laugh]

Travis: It was just Justin, line for line, recounting the TV show The Slap.

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: Uhh…

Travis: Still need more time?

Griffin: He likes to keep us in anticipation for his new albums? But then he does like a surprise drop, like you weren’t even expecting him to take a turn?

Justin: Well, they’re not really attacking with fire, are they?

Griffin: No.

Justin: ’Cause that was kinda my thing, that I was thinking about.

Griffin: Cool.

Justin: That was… um… I was thinking about how, it would be cool, to do like a fire— [laughs] A fire thing. And now it’s less— I don’t— um…

Travis: This is everyone’s favorite part of a DnD podcast, um—

Griffin: “The wizard looks at his thousand spells.”

Justin: It’s not a thousand spells! I was looking at one spell, and it doesn’t make any sense to Investiture of Flame myself if they’re not attacking with flame! Just— I had that one kinda ready, like excited, but it doesn’t seem like it makes any sense here!

Griffin: Sure.

Justin: I am going to cast… boring old, stupid… [snorts, then a pause] Eugh… [audience laughs] Just a dumbass—

Travis: He doesn’t have it picked yet.

Justin: [annoyed] Just a dumb spell! Just a stupid-ass, like—

Griffin: Do you wanna delay your turn?

Justin: I’m gonna delay my turn, because I have a plan.

Griffin: Alright. [audience cheers] Keep lookin’! Next in the order is Garfield the Deals Warlock. [audience cheers]

Griffin: Garfield kneels down and reaches into his gigantic Bag of Holding, and he roots around in there for a while, and he says,



Griffin: And he pulls out a Super Soaker. [audience cheers] And he turns and faces Scald, and shoots him with what appears to be some sort of black ooze that sizzles as it hits Scald, and some of Scald's, sort of... thick leather armor falls away, reducing his AC permanently [scattered cheers] with the black ooze shot at Scald. Uhh... Taako, are you—

Justin: [confident] Yes, I'm ready. How close are all the... uh, bad folks... to Scald? Give me, like, a quick layout.

Griffin: Sure, I would say you're all within, like, 20 feet of each other, in sort of the far end of the room now.

Justin: But we're all in like a 20-foot—

Griffin: Yeuup.

Justin: Uhhh... What would a 20-foot radius from Scald encompass?

Griffin: Um... You guys and the armor. That is, the armor that is currently approaching you to attack. Eight suits of armor, you three, and Scald. [Justin: Mmm—] You four, including Garfield. You know it's gonna be worth it. Unless you need to delay again.

Justin: No, I think we can handle it. [audience laughs] I'm gonna cast Vitriolic Sphere at Scald. [amused] It— I'm pointing at a place within range, and a glowing one-foot ball of emerald acid streaks there and explodes in a 20-foot radius [audience laughs and cheers]. Each creature has to make a dexterity saving throw. Mine's dope, so I'm fine. [audience laughs]

Travis: A what saving throw?

Justin: That's a dexterity saving throoooow.

Griffin: Scald got a four.

Travis: Twenty!

Griffin: Whoa! [audience cheers]

Travis: Eighteen plus two. Not a nat.

Griffin: The eight suits of living armor got a 13.

Justin: Uhhh... how're you doing, Dad? What's up?

Clint: Mmhmm. Uh.. Se--seven. [audience laughs]

Justin: So, okay.

Griffin: Taako, did you roll it?

Justin: What?

Griffin: Your dexterity saving throw.

Justin: Oh, [chuckling] I'm good. I had a 19. I'm fine against myself.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I saved against myself. Umm... So, good news, good news, good news on the armor. They're dead. Bad news for you, but that feels like, I dunno, you would kind of think... it's a fair price to pay. [audience laughing]

Travis: [sarcastic] What a great deal!

Justin: I can tell--

Griffin: Two out of three ain't bad!

Travis: Two out of three ain't bad!

Griffin: How much damage are you doing?

Justin: Three out of four! [crosstalk] If you think about it.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Three out of four! Oh yeah, how's Garfield doing? ...Garfield's great! [soft cheers from the audience]

Justin: Garfield's fine. And really, I got all the bad guys.

Travis: So we didn't really lose anybody important.

Griffin: [crosstalk] How much damage— how much damage does the Vitr— [audience oohs] Aw, man.

Justin: It’s— it’s, um… it’s not even that much… Just 10d4 acid. [audience clamoring]

Griffin: [crosstalk with Travis] You want me to roll that one for ya?

Travis: [loudly] At most— !

Justin: [crosstalk with Travis] Yes, please.

Travis: — You have 49, at most it’s 40 damage, you’ll have nine points left. [scattered laughter] At most!

Griffin: Uh Tr— ‘Ey. Twenty-two.

Clint: Oh.

Justin: Twenty-two, not bad at aaall, [crosstalk] Everybody agreed that was worth it.

Clint: [crosstalk] [sarcastic] Yay, hey.

Griffin: [crosstalk] The eight--the eight--

Clint: [sarcastic, over Griffin] Hooray, we succeed again! [audience laughs]

Griffin: Uhh, the eight suits of armor, the joints sort of connecting them corrode, and they also collapse to the ground: you have taken out all of them. And Scald... [audience cheers] Scald looks pretty bad also. Uh, Scald is up now. Scald takes his hammer, which starts to glow, and he points it at Garfield the Deals Warlock. [soft “oh”s from the audience]

And a rainbow-colored beam shoots out of the tip of the hammer and hits Garfield the Deals Warlock, who is encased in this— this rainbow light as he floats up off the ground, and then there is a flash of light, and then... Garfield is gone, and there’s just a chakram that collapses and falls to the ground, as Garfield has been transformed into a weapon!

[audience screams and protests]

Griffin: [amused] Next in the order is: Magnus Burnsides. [Pause] Also, hey— he wasn’t at [chuckling] the death reunion so... [audience laughs] anything goes! That’s right! It’s not just them I can endanger! [audience settles down] Magnus.

Travis: I’m going to attack with the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom that I still have.

Griffin: Okay.

[audience cheers]

Justin: Booooo.

Travis: That’s an 18 plus 10. Twenty-eight.

Griffin: Yup, that does hit.

Travis: Um, [softly] okay. So. [breathes out, then at normal volume] Seven plus 24, that is 31 points of damage.

Griffin: [quietly, impressed] Shit.

[audience cheers]

Travis: And then I attack again. Five plus 10, 15?

Griffin: [beat] He’s hurt real bad. [audience laughs]

Travis: No, no, no, that was my attack. Fifteen.

Griffin: Oh, 15? Fifteen hits with the reduced AC.

Travis: Okay. And so that’s only 26. So that’s… 57. I attack again! [audience laughs] That is a 28!

Griffin: Yeup.

Travis: That’s— mmm— that’s 34 points of damage. [audience cheers] How’s he lookin’?

Griffin: Scald— [pause] steps back. Uhh… [audience laughs]

Justin: He— [laughs] He takes stock of the situation.

Griffin: He takes a deep breath. He says,



[audience laughs]

Griffin: He says, uh,



Griffin: And he, uh… he takes a step back, and he sort of is now resting against one of the pillars at the edge of this room overlooking the Great Fire Sea below, and he says,



Griffin: And he [Travis: No.] falls backwards over the edge.

[pause]

Travis: Oh!

Griffin: [happily] You won!

Travis: Wait, no, this a second form Sephiroth kinda thing, right? [audience laughs]

Griffin: [a beat, then proudly] Then you hear a rumbling from below. [audience cheers]

Travis: Fucking Dark Souls, I knew it.

Griffin: The ground beneath you quakes. Most of the living suits of armor in this room lose their footing and crash to the floor, and then begin reforming themselves amidst the chaos. And then… a massive metal gauntlet rises into view below the cliff’s edge, finding a handhold amongst the pillars at the edge of the room, [a fan yells “Thanos!”] and then it pulls another [crosstalk] into view--

Travis: “Thanos!” [crosstalk] [laughing] Somebody yelled “Thanos”!

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s not fucking Thanos! [audience laughs]

Travis: [loudly and sarcastically] Yup! It’s a Marvel crossover, this is--

Griffin: Yeah. This— we’ve been waiting [crosstalk] to do this--

Travis: This is a sponsored content [dissolving into laughter] episode…

Griffin: And then— and then it pulls another gauntlet into view and you see a gigantic, metal-plate helmet lift up behind the pillars. Its visor is open, and inside controlling this gigantic suit of armor from within... is King Scald. And Scald says,



Griffin: And he stands up--

Travis: Oh, “hand”, gauntlet… hand.

Griffin: [in amused acceptance] Okay.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: And with that this massive suit of armor stands up to full height. It’s easily ten stories tall. It towers over this castle— you actually see it tuck its fingers in between those pillars at the edge of the room and just rip the ceiling of the throne room and castle off and chuck it into the Great Fire Sea below.

And as it does so, all the smaller suits of armor in this throne room begin floating upward. They’re now following Scald’s massive armor vessel, flocking behind it as this— this gigantic suit of armor stands astride the castle. And these two metal gauntlets, they clap together, and Scald’s voice is amplified as he shouts,



Griffin: And then you see Scald’s arm with the hammer extend through the visor, and this rainbow-colored beam shoots forward and tears a rift in the fabric of reality itself, and through that tear you see... Neverwinter.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: It is a busy day. Right in the middle of the Merchant’s Quarter there are crowds of people all assembled around a stage, and on that stage you see flowers and balloons, and a marching band performing, and banners hanging from poles reading: “Neverwinter Rises Again!” [audience laughs]

And… and while every face in the crowd looks in shock at your direction through this open rift, you see a familiar face that is, at the moment, oblivious to this threat: behind a podium on stage is Lucretia, who— [audience cheers] who is donning her Bureau of Benevolence regalia and reading a prepared speech from a scroll. She says,



[audience laughs and cheers]

Griffin: And with that, Scald’s massive suit of armor takes one enormous step forward towards the open rift to Neverwinter with a flock of smaller suits of armor flying behind him with weapons drawn. [amused and in a goofy voice] Who’s next in the fucking order? [audience laughs] [normally] It is Merle Highchurch. Merle… What do you do?

Clint: Merle casts Conjure Celestial.

Griffin: O-kay. [audience cheers] What’s that do?

Clint: “You summon a celestial of challenge rating of four or lower which appears in an unoccupied space that you can see within range.”

Griffin: Okay. How is this different from the Della Reese spell?

Clint: Well for one thing, she disappeared after doing 60 damage. [scattered audience laughter]

Griffin: [chuckling] Okay.

Clint: And this is a celestial.

Griffin: So what’s that mean, Mac?

Clint: [laughing in embarrassment] I don’t know [Griffin: Jesus.] what a celestial is! [audience laughs]

Travis: Dad?

Clint: I was hoping one of you did! “The DM has the celestial statistics”, pal! [audience laughs]

Travis: So I guess it’s your fault you don’t know. [more laughter]

Griffin: Does it really fucking say that? Why would you put me on blast like that, Player’s Handbook? [even more laughter]

Clint: Right there. You have those statistics, Griffin.

Griffin: [groaning] Alright.

Travis: [over Griffin, also groaning] I’ll google it.

Griffin: The top result is actually, like 90 Reddit threads like, people like [in a mocking voice] “Where are the fucking statistics?” [audience laughs] Okay. Up to uh… okay. Okay, yeah this is— this is off the website, you get to choose one of the three: a pegasus, a c... “co-dull”? A C-O-U-A-T-L, what is thaaaaa… ? Ah do-do-do it’s like a f— it ju— it’s like a snake with wings, it’s tight.

Clint: M‘kay.

Griffin: A— or a unicorn.

[the audience yells, and several people yelling “unicorn” can be heard over the noise]

Justin: [soft, almost inaudible over the screaming] Nope. [louder as the noise continues] Bi-nicorn.

Justin: Nope, Garyl’s a bi-nicorn. Nope, Garyl’s a bi-nicorn.

Clint: Pleeeease?

Travis: Garyl is a--

Justin: Garyl’s a bi-nicorn, sorry bud.

Travis: But if you wanna summon a unicorn and give 'im a friend.

Justin: No. Nope. That’s my IP, I will take you to court.

[audience laughs]

Travis: Do the pegasus.

Justin: Do a beautiful pegasus.

Travis: [softer, pleading] Do the pegasus—

Clint: I’ll do the pegasus!

Griffin: Okay!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: You— I think you—

Justin: I will give you the name Gregasus. [audience cheers] That’s all I'll give you.

Clint: Gregasus the pegasus.

Griffin: You open the Extreme Teen Bible and I think just Pagemaster style, a Gregasus comes flying out [audience cheers] of the pages and lands beside you. Uh and...

Travis: I think he has the face of every Greg you’ve ever known. [audience laughs]

Griffin: Uhm...

Clint: Can I jump on it? Can… ?

Griffin: Yeah, what do you want Gregasus to do? On Gregasus's turn.

Clint: [stumbling] I’ll— uhm... sss— um, uh, start attacking the s-suits of armor.

Griffin: Okay, go ahead and roll a d20.

[pause]

Clint: [delighted giggling] Hehehehehe.

[audience laughs]

Clint: Nineteen! [audience cheers] Plus... two?

Griffin: Uh, we’re just Calvinballing it at this point, but next in the order was the flying suits of armor. Let’s say that a— a detachment of these suits of armor were flying down to intercept the three of you to keep you from... uh preventing this— this invasion, and Gregasus runs in and just uses tackle on all of them [audience laughs] knocking all effortlessly out of the sky.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is Taako!

Justin: [sighing] Okay, uhm… I am going to cast… [amused] I’m gonna cast Reduce.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Clint: [laughs]

[a pause, and the audience laughs again]

Griffin: My— [downtrodden] my one like, Pacific Rim-style encounter, and you’re going to reduce it. [audience laughs] How much?

Justin: Just like, one. Just one—

Griffin: [amused] What does the spell say?

Justin: One less. I mean it takes it from… “M” to “G”.

Clint: So still five stories.

Griffin: [bewildered] What?

Justin: Like I guess mass—

Travis: [crosstalk] Mega to giant?

Justin: — Mega to giant?

Griffin: Okay, yeah, now it’s... six stories tall.

Justin: Okay, perfect.

Travis: [crosstalk] So it’s doable.

Griffin: And Scald inside of it also got kind of cuter. [audience laughs]

Justin: Sweet. [satisfied] Okay, I’m good. That’s all I need. Hey baby? That’s step one.

Griffin: Uh, Garfield lays motionless on the floor. [audience laughs]

Justin: As a Chakram!

Griffin: As a Chakram. Next in the order is Scald. Scald, uh, first off, tries to pick up a very large tower made of brass — just tries to rip it out of the ground and can’t because he is, uh, his suit of armor is a little bit smaller than he expected it to be. So instead he picks up a brass outhouse which he launches at the three of yours directions, except — are you riding? You’re not riding Gregasus, you said —

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Oh! Okay. Then it’s just going after you Magnus and Taako. Make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: Twenty. Nat.

Justin: Eleven. Not. [pause] Good. Enough.

Griffin: Uh —

Justin: To dodge it.

Griffin: The outhouse comes flying toward Magnus first, and the door kind of like… waves open as it comes, and you just kind of perfectly pass —

Travis: Buster Keaton style?

Griffin: — perfectly pass through it Buster Keaton style, and then the door shuts right as it reaches Taako and it just flattens him. [scattered cheers] Uh, that is twenty-one points of damage from the outhouse.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: We’re big boys.

Justin: Good.

Griffin: Uh, and then for its second attack, the massive — or less… the giant armor, I guess — tries to throw a punch at Gregasus and Merle. [pause to roll] That is a nat failure. [audience cheers]

Clint: Wait a minute, wait a minute. [scattered laughter]

Griffin: Yeah, it’s sick.

Travis: And actually Merle healed!

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: He just avoided some— (?)

Griffin: Yeah, next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Uh, Magnus laughs.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Okay, now it’s my turn —

Travis: — for a free action. Um, and then grappling hooks to the open visor. [scattered cheers]

Griffin: Oof. Alright. I’m gonna make you do a…

Travis: Acrobatics?

Griffin: Acrobatics, probably, cuz this thing is pretty high up there and it just took a big step away from —

Travis: Or an athletics check.

Several Voices: Yeah.

Griffin: Sure, either one.

Travis: Okay. So that’s... a nineteen.

Griffin: Uh, okay. Uh, I’ll make you a deal. With a nineteen you can get up there, but it’s not gonna be like a clean entry —

Travis: — that’s fine —

Griffin: — into the visor, and, uh —

Travis: — I’ll take some damage.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, I think he gets an attack of opportunity against you as you come inside.

Travis: ‘kay.

Griffin: He swings over the like control panel with his hammer and… ooh, damn, that is a… twenty-seven versus AC.

Travis: Oh yeah, that’s hits…

Griffin: I’m gonna say because he’s one size smaller than he was before [scattered laughs] that is fifteen points of damage.

Travis: Oh, okay. So I’m just down to a hundred.

Griffin: Yeah, can you angle your mic? [audience laughs]

Travis: Hmm?

Griffin: You need to talk into the microphone. Uh… yes.

Travis: [louder] I’m down to a hundred.

Griffin: Yes. What do you do now —

Travis: Remember when I said Magnus laughs?

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: He triggers his magnetic charge…

Griffin: [soft surprise] Oh.

Travis: [reading] A fist-sized glass ball with a blue button on top. Once the button is pressed the ball will begin to glow and produce a magnetic field that lasts two rounds of combat. The field repels any metal object within ten feet from the ball. [audience cheers] [audience bell rings]

Griffin: Alright. [audience laughs] The entire flock of armor flying behind this thing just… whoosh. Like, like confetti through the air, just kinda get scattered around the town. Just pieces sort of flying down into the city of brass. There are some salamander citizens now who kinda came out of their houses to look at things — are like dodging the debris back and forth. Um. Nothing happens to the giant suit of armor, uh and Scald laughs and he says — and he points to the helmet behind him and all around him, and he says,



[audience laughs and cheers]

Justin (?): [laughs]

Travis (?): [laughs louder] [makes “MmmmMMmm” sound]

Griffin: Merle, you’re up.

Clint: Um… Merle swoops down—

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: —on Gregasus the Pegasus.

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: Grabs the chakras.

Griffin: Chakram.

Clint: Chakram.

Griffin: You know what that is, right? Like from Xena?

Clint: No, yeah! Yeah!

Griffin: [skeptically] You do know what it is?

[crosstalk]

Clint: Yeah, it’s the round thing!

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Yeah! And…

Griffin: [amused] It’s a round, bladed weapon. Okay. Xena threw it at, like, everyone, ever. [some audience members cheer] Do you all not fucking— you all came here for DragonCon, do you not fucking know who Xena, Warrior Princess is?! [audience cheers loudly] Like, I’m not like fishing for cheers, it just seemed like people were like, [timid voice] “Oh, yeah, Xena.” Like, ahh? (?) Alright.

Clint: And the Merle… uh, throws it.

Justin: Good start, good start.

Clint: Throws it…

Justin: At…

Clint: He gets as close he can on Gregasus the Pegasus and still have a turn left.

Griffin: Okay— [laughs]

Clint: And throws it… at…

Griffin: Scald.

Clint: Yeah, but Magnus is in the way…

Griffin: Yeah, roll a d20.

Travis: You can’t say “Magnus is in the way”! Like, you just put me—

Griffin: No, you’re wicked in the way.

Travis: [sighs unhappily]

Clint: 7… plus, what? What do I—

Travis: No.

Griffin: You know what, I’m gonna give you advantage, because Gregasus is here to cheer you on, he says—

Travis: Roll again, old man!



Clint: Three!

Griffin: Alright, I did my best. [audience cheers] With that throw, the— [chuckles]

Clint: Wait! And, yells,



Griffin: Yeah. He catches it, alright. [audience laughs]

Clint: And goes,



Griffin: Yeah. Luckily, the heavy metal armor that Magnus picked up in the castle protects him from most of the blow. You only take 7 points of damage, as Garfield tries to cut into your body meat.

Clint: Which he made.

Griffin: But doesn’t quite make it through. And Garfield then falls out of the open visor and plummets to the ground below. He’s made of metal, so it’s probably fine.

Travis: No, it would stick in!

Griffin: Okay, yeah, it’s stuck into your shoulder. That’s fun. Uh, Taako. You are now up.

Justin: I am going to… cast… on myself… Polymorph. [audience cheers] I am going to transform into the canonical Dungeons & Dragons creature, a Tyrannosaurus rex, named Dupree. [audience cheers]

Griffin: [loud and excited] This is that Pacific Rim shit!

Justin: Yeah. But like—

Travis: I just wanna say, canonically, Magnus just got so excited to see Dupree again.

Justin: Yeah. But like, if you think about— You said 60 stories, and I thought—

Griffin: No no, 10—

Justin: You said six stories at first, or 10 stories at first, and I was like, okay. I don’t know how big Tyrannosauruses rexes is? But it’s not 10 stories big, for sure. So I had to knock you down a peg. And then I could Dupree.

Griffin: Let’s make it fun!

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Why don’t you roll a d20 and we’ll see how big Dupree turns up. [audience cheers]

Justin: That is a 17. [audience cheers]

Griffin: Dupree’s about seven stories tall.

Travis: Nice. [audience cheers] And I want you to picture every little kid from every good Godzilla movie? Like, “Dupree!” That’s Magnus right now.

Griffin: Yeah, sure. I think all this time, Scald and his massive suit of armor has been taking one step closer and one step closer to the rift, but as he feels you transform, he turns to face you. What do you do?

Justin: Um… That’s actually my entire action, I have nothing I can do. I mean, I can look at ’im and go [T-rex growling noise], but I’m gonna— Not a lot of sassy lines with a T-rex. The think-meat, you see, is very small.

Griffin: That was Taako’s action. This is Dupree’s action.

Travis: Ha-ha! [audience cheers]

Justin: Dupree is going to bite the face of the thing! [audience cheers] Not smart. Don’t know if that’s smart or not. Not a smart creature.

Griffin: It’s Dupree! Dupree acts on instinct!

Justin: Dupree is aaall instinct, my man. Uh, here’s the other thing: [laughing] don’t know how to do melee attacks at all! One hundred percent.

Travis: Roll!

Justin: Here, I’ll roll this. It’s plus 10 to hit? Is that good or bad?

Travis and Justin: 16!

Justin: 16 plus 10 to hit. Is that 26? Is that right?

Griffin: That is a 26, yes.

Justin: Okay!

Griffin: You know, just— Magnus is up ins— the helmet—

Travis: That’s okay! Magnus is a beefy boy.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: There’s plenty of bitin’ to go around!

Justin: The hit is… So that’s a hit, it’s 4d12 plus 7? [audience cheers]

Travis: I’m still fine! Even at most, I’m doin’ okay.

Griffin: [with some dread] Do you have the d12 dice? I got one. You want me to roll it for you?

Justin: You don’t have a machine over there that’ll do it?

Griffin: Okay. [makes ‘boop’ing sounds] 33. 33!

Travis: Wow. That’s wild.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah. You bite the visor clean off this thing. Magnus, you’re gonna get some of the teeth.



Griffin: Let’s say half that, so whatever half of 33 is. Uh… and… uh… [audience members yell something] I know, it was a joke. And Scald is gonna take some bad, bad hit stuff too. Okay.

Justin: Now it’s time for Dupree’s attack against the armor. The huge metal armor. That one was against Scald. This is a different target, this is with his tail, he’s gonna hit its legs as hard as he fuckin’ can.

Griffin: [delighted] Okay!

Justin: That’s a 19, plus 10, 29, Du-preee! [audience cheers] That’s 3d8 plus 7.

Griffin: Jesus, Dupree.

Justin: It’s— yeah. It’s good. I can actually do that one. 5… 4… 8… So 5, 9— 17. Plus… 7. 24.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Bludgeoning damage, I don’t know if that matters.

Griffin: Sure, no, it matters.

Justin: I’m not used to doing damage.

Griffin: Yes. Okay, with that, the two legs go flying. The two legs just come off below the knee, the foot part of the… uh… the… what are the leg parts of armor called?

Justin: Haunches.

Griffin: The haunches of the armor go flying off.

Clint: What are greaves?

Justin: The paul— pauldrons?

[crosstalk about pauldrons and greaves]

Travis: Greaves? I think they’re greaves.

Griffin: Yes. Maybe. And so, anyway, the leg parts of the armor go flying away, and—

Travis: [amused] The drumsticks.

Griffin: I think everything— What happens next is kind of in slow motion. Magnus, you are six stories off the ground in this helmet with King Scald, a little bit closer to the exit of the helmet, but now you feel yourself in freefall inside of this helmet. What do you do to not die?

Travis: Oh, here’s the thing! We started this fight at 11:58, and now it’s 12:01 AM, and I use the grappling hook again! [audience cheers] Time is different! In the planar realm!

Griffin: No, I love it! That’s good, yeah! Sure! You hear, actually, a clock tower in the distance and you know—

Travis: Bong! And I’m like,



Travis: And I use the grappling hook again to grapple back. And I grab the chak— oh, chakram’s in my shoulder.

Griffin: Right.

Travis: Chakram.

Griffin: Yeah. And you fly right on out of there— what are you attaching it to? Just, some shit?

Travis: [amused] To Taako. [audience laughs]

Griffin: Oh, to Dupree?

Travis: Yeah, well he’s Dupree!

Griffin: Yeah, I love it!

Justin: I’m Dupree, it’s fine.

Griffin: He can take it. Alright.

Justin: Don’t even feel it.

Griffin: Yeah, it latches into Dupree’s meat, he doesn’t even fuckin’ care.



Travis: Dupree catches it, and is like, “Come on in, my buddy.”

Griffin: Yeah. Reels ’im on in. You just sort of effortlessly just kind of zoom out of the visor as Scald falls down six stories with the helmet, and the armor goes crashing to the ground and as he goes falling, his concentration is interrupted and the rift closes. And right as it does, you see Lucretia like,



[audience laughs and cheers]

Griffin: And the armor crashes to the ground and the pieces go flying everywhere and the helmet rolls to a stop. And King Scald just kind of oozes out of the visor, uh, and he has been destroyed. [audience cheers]

Travis: Does that break his spell on everything?

Griffin: What’s that?

Travis: Does that break his spell on everything, or?

Griffin: And with that!

Travis: [quietly] Okay.

Griffin: The weapons and the armor that had been flung to the ground by the magnetic charge, they start to levitate. And they are encased in that same sort of shimmering rainbow light. Garfield is just sitting on your shoulder like,



Griffin: And all of these pieces of armor and all these weapons transform back into their original salamander forms. And the salamander who is wearing a circlet and is wearing this golden white chainmail tunic approaches you and she says,















Griffin: And she looks at the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom on your back and she says,







Griffin: And the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom begins to shimmer in this multi-colored light!

Travis: No, Griffin, it doesn’t! [nervous laughter, audience cheers]

Griffin: And it lifts out of your hand and it floats in the air and it’s giving off this blinding light. And when it fades, you see, laying at your feet, the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom. [audience cheers]

Clint: [sighs in relief]

Griffin: And—

Justin: It was a sword!

Griffin: And Queen Ash— Queen Ashspine—

Justin: The king was a sword the whole time! [audience laughs]

Griffin: And Queen Ashspine says,



[audience cheers]

Travis: [relieved] Fuck, yes! [noise of relief]

Griffin: That is—

Justin: And then— okay, and then, Dupree changes back into Taako, and he’s like,







Justin: I’m just shou— he’s just shouting to the air.

Griffin: Yeah.



[audience laughs]









Griffin: Queen Ashspine says,







Griffin: With that, a curtain is shut in front of all three of you, and you’re back in the dressing room. And Garfield says,



[audience cheers]

Griffin: And he floats to another booth several feet away, and slides another curtain open, and through it, you see Neverwinter. You see Lucretia directing the city guard to aid a few civilians who were sort of injured in the panicked evacuation of the town square. You see a lot of Neverwintians— Neverwinterians— sort of looking generally pretty confused. And Garfield comes up to you and he says,







Griffin: And he shuts a curtain behind you and all three of you are in Neverwinter. And then we see Garfield, still in the fitting room, and he reaches into his Bag of Holding, and pulls out Scald’s magic hammer. [audience ‘ooh’s] That is the end of our adventure! Thank you all so much for coming! [audience cheers] This has been The Adventure Zone! Thank you all, enjoy DragonCon, goodbye!

[theme music fades out]