The Adventure Zone: Live in Dallas!/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

[THEME MUSIC: “Déjà Vu” by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]

Griffin: I’m wearing a sweater from J Crew. [audience cheers] Alright, alright.

Travis: And now I have to shed a bunch of pieces so I can operate as a human being.

Griffin: Let’s go behind the music a little bit, let’s say there’s some pieces of Travis’s sort of tunic-girdle situation that maybe, the armor—

Travis: He’s had some offtime.

Griffin: He’s had some offtime(!)

Travis: There was another piece that went about my waist, or attempted to. [audience laughter] Listen, hard-living, you know what I mean? I beat the Hunger and then I experienced the hunger.

Justin: “I saw seven birds” oh hell yeah, fried, roasted, what’s up? Fucking eat those for sure. Where are these seven birds? Why are you holding out on me? I’m starving!

Griffin: Hi everybody, welcome to The Adventure Zone live in Dallas! [audience cheers] Sorry about the “yee-haw” thing in the intro, I sat backstage for like thirty minutes and couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Clint: Hey, it’s us!

Justin: I was backstage, it was about three.

Griffin: I get nervous, I need to dial in. Speaking [elongating the f] of… Do we want to talk about what Dad did today, or save that for MBMBaM?

Justin: Save it for tomorrow. I’ve seen the numbers and I know some of y’all aren’t coming tomorrow so buy your tickets, you’re going to get a great vignette about our dad.

Clint: It’s bad.

Griffin: You’re right, we should get into it because we got a lot to do today and we always run out of time. Do we have a timer?

Justin: [repeatedly, in an odd accent] Paul?

Travis: [elongated] Pauuuuuuul?

Clint: Paul! Ladies and gentleman! [presumably Paul has brought/shown the McElroys a timer]

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Thank you, Paul!

Justin: Go to paulandstorm.gov to hear some of their tracks!

Griffin: That they make.

Justin: That they make. Paul and his imaginary friend Storm.

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: He swears he’s real.

Griffin: Uh—

Clint: [crosstalk] Wait wait wait, before we get started—

Justin: [noises of surprise and disbelief]

Clint: I’d like everybody to look at the back of the theatre, everybody look at the back of the theatre.

Justin: These are the emergency exits [inaudible]

Clint: Okay, you can look back up here now. [Griffin laughs]

Clint: That’s where Bobby sits. Hey Bobby!

Griffin: Hey Bobby.

Travis: Hey! {2:58}

Justin: [stuttering] Hi Bobby, Bobby’s running the sound board up there, Bobby came to us before the show and said, “So what are y’all gonna be discussing tonight?” and I was like, “Well Bobby, that’s a very hard question to answer my friend, hold on a second.”

Clint: And he said, “Well give me a shout-out, that way I can wake up.”

Griffin: Can we get house lights for a second so we can see the good good cosplay that’s happening?

Justin: Yeah, house lights, could we get house lights for a second?

Griffin: If you are— oh there’s Bobby with the strobe, thank you Bobby.

Justin: Bobby’s got a strobe.

Griffin: Can we get house lights? Is there a switch or, is there a dial that says maybe “HL” on it, short for house lights? No, okay, then we can’t get house lights, we’ll do that after intermission! Let’s get into the adventure, here we go.

Justin: Hell yeah!

Clint: Yeah!

Travis: But, but Paul, if I could grab a writing utensil…

Griffin: Travis needs a writing utensil.

Justin: Oh shit Paul, me too dog! I’m so sorry!

Travis: We’re children!

Clint: I need a stylus.

Griffin: Look at this— [audience cheering for Paul]

Clint: Paul, ladies and gentlemen! Paul of Paul and Storm.

{4:16}

Griffin: Paul always carries around two big cups full of pencils, in his hands. Okay. So. The three of you are standing in an empty office featuring fairly humble trappings with two desks positioned side-by-side in front of a window overlooking an opulent city skyline. It’s been about six months— (softly, meekly) hey, uh, everyone here’s finished Balance, right? Okay, good—

Clint: Spoilers?

Griffin: Uh, maybe a little bit.

Travis: [underneath] You’ve had time!

Griffin: It’ll be light, it’s the name of the— it’s been six months since the Day of Story and Song and your lives had only just regained some semblance of normalcy when you received a letter inviting you to this office on this day. The three of you are kind of hard to pin down, I imagine, now given the fame you’ve acquired—

Travis: With the book tours—

Justin: Separate lives.

Griffin: Yeah. Due to the fame you’ve acquired thanks to your heroism on that day. But the postscript on the letter was difficult to turn down, particularly for one of you. It read, “P.S: Merle. C’mon. You owe us.” And the door to the office swings open and through it, you see the garage of the Goldcliff Battlewagon Racing League. Which is filled with vehicles being serviced by a dozen or so skilled mechanics, and through that door walk the dryads Hurley and Sloane. [The audience absolutely loses their shit.]

Justin: [crosstalk] Hell yeah.

Clint: [crosstalk] You’ve heard of them?

Travis: [crosstalk] So you’re familiar?

Griffin: And, uh—

Justin: Crystal Kingdom, I love this one.

Griffin: No!

Justin: Hell yeah. And they’ve got like, 80 crystals, and they’re like “We’ve gotta go back.”

Griffin: And Hurley says:





Griffin: Was that Magnus or Travis?

Travis: No, that was Magnus. That’s why he showed up.

Justin: The importance of character voices, folks. If you don’t have a character voice before now—

Travis: I did it— That was— Listen— That was clearly loud and booming, which is not how I normally sound.

Griffin: And Sloane says:





Travis: Here, I’ll wave, I’ll put ‘em over there.

Justin: Didn’t want you to miss the best view in the house. If you put ‘em up there, they’re still—

Clint: That’s blocking your view.

Justin: There’s people right there. They need to—





Justin: Actually, I think these two— Dad, too— I’ve got some people here who can’t get a really good— Yeah, there you are. Hello. Scuttle Buddy, you’re so great.

Clint: Scuttle Buddy! I know, right?

Justin: Listen, you paid full price, you’re gonna get the whole show, baby.





Griffin: That’s always been my experience.

Travis: Now, was that Griffin?

Griffin: That was Griffin.

Clint: I got into HQ, I’ve been playing a lot of HQ.

Griffin: Okay, now this is Dad. Okay. Let’s take a minute.

Clint: Oh, I thought you were asking me!

Griffin: Now this is a podcast called The Adventure Zone in which we embody characters and we don’t necessarily answer questions as ourselves. And we’re all guilty of this.

Clint: Oh, character voice! Right? Okay.



Griffin: Okay.

Clint: No?

Justin: Okay, but HQ doesn’t exist in this world…

Griffin: No, it’s a fantasy world. Technology exists.



Clint: Historical Quotient.





Griffin: Uh, Hurley says:















Justin: Oh, my God. I literally, this moment that you are sharing with me… That’s a wig, right? [Griffin laughs] This moment, I realized, “Hold on a sec! My dad got a white wig.”

Clint: It is a hot-ass wig, too. As a matter of fact: hey, look in the back!

Justin: You’re stickin’ with it.

Griffin: Hurley says:



Griffin: And she motions toward some chairs positioned in front of these desks.

Justin: I do that.

Griffin: Okay, uh, Sloane takes a poster and unfurls it.

Travis: I rolled a 9 on taking the chair, what does that mean?

Griffin: I think you sit down, but the chair scoots backwards and makes a toot noise and you have to convince everybody...



Griffin: Sloane unfurls this poster and you see a design advertising the Goldcliff Battlewagon Racing League Turbo Platinum Cup. Which takes place later today at the circuit located just outside the city. And then she unfurls it a bit further and it reads “Featuring Guest Racers Merle Highchurch, Taako, and Magnus Burnsides: Three of the Saviors of Faerun.” [audience cheers]

Travis: Now, listen— you’re all great, and I love the way you reacted to that, but was it going to be like “Yeah, so, would you like to watch? I got you some comp tickets!”

Griffin: Hurley says:



Griffin: And, uh, Sloane says:





Travis: Okay, but do it in a character voice.





Travis: Available for sale in the lobby.

Griffin: And then you walk off into the sunset.

Justin: Thanks for comin’ out, everybody.

Clint: [crosstalk] Goodnight everybody!



Griffin: Hurley says:





Justin: And then imagine I referenced something that happened in it.

Clint: Yeah, because it was four arcs ago.

















Griffin: She says:



{12:25}







Griffin: Uh, Hurley smiles, she says—



[audience cheers]

Clint: [laughing] Oh that was cheap. That was so cheap.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yes it was!

Justin: So we’re at that phase now, right? Where we’re just…

Griffin: Just stand up on stage: Play the hits! Uh Abra-ca-fuck you? I don’t know. [audience laughter]

Clint: Glad we got that out of the way.

Griffin: Sloane says:





[Clint laughs]



[mixed laughs and boos from the audience]

Clint: Aw come on.

Travis: Come on! [audience cheers] That was as Magnus. Travis would never make that joke.

Justin: Let him weave— Let him weave his tapestry.

Griffin: Sloane says:









{14:10}

Griffin: So Hurley and Sloane walk the three of you out into the garage and you see several battlewagons being serviced but the showpiece here, is on a rotating platform at the end of the room. It’s the Ram. And it's just how you remember it; sleek and black with silver armor plating, a harpoon gun mounted on the roof.

Clint: Can you do this in Denis Leary’s voice?

Griffin: I don’t think I could.

Clint: No, okay. {14:28}

Griffin: It’s got a long trunk that Magnus did so many stunts off of back in the day. And of course, a metallic Ram’s Head positioned at the front. It's a thing of beauty and Hurley says:







[audience laughs]









Griffin: She says:















Griffin: And Sloane walks over to a crate and pops it open, pulls out a few items.



Griffin: And what she withdraws from the crate are three masks [crowd cheers] that you wore during your first battlewagon race. In the shapes of a bear, an owl, and a mongoose!

Clint: Now you told him! You told him that, didn’t ya?

Travis: I was actually given this [the bear mask from the first battle wagon race] at C2E2, and it is my new favorite hat.

Clint: That’s not surprising.

Griffin: Why didn’t you have it when you came on before?

Travis: I was gonna wear it one way or the other.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I was waiting for just the right moment. My theatricality— No.

Griffin: Let’s fast-forward, ‘cause we’ve have spent a long time— Jesus. You’re outside now, whoa, and you’re walking the streets of Goldcliff toward the circuit at the edge of town. And sure enough: The town’s doing great. There are few signs of the attack that took place just earlier that year. There’s just sort of happy, well-dressed folks enjoying the pleasant weather. And one of these well-dressed folks, a male halfling dressed to the nines approaches the three of you and says:









Clint: He will.









Travis: Oh no, you’re becoming one voice! [audience laughs]

Griffin: Uh, he says:



Clint and Justin: [laughing]











Griffin: He uh...

Clint: Euros.

Justin: Well, I’m gonna need you to roll, a die, please, Clinton.

Clinton: [crosstalk] Okay—

Griffin: Yeah roll a bl— uh, uh, what’s it called? Deception check.

Clint: (quietly) ...That’s this one?

Travis: Yep.

[Audience laughing]

Travis: A six!

Justin: [crosstalk] That’s a...

Griffin: [crosstalk] I also—

Clint: [crosstalk] I can read!

Griffin: I also rolled a six. [audience laughs] I think he— I think he pulls out a pocketbook and he’s like:



Travis: [crosstalk] Wait wait, to be fair, he— [Merle: Down.] he gets a plus one to deception.

Griffin: Okay yeah,

Travis: So that’s a seven.

Griffin: That’s a success.





[audience laughs]



Justin: [laughs] You got points runnin’ on it [crosstalk]



{18:38}



Clint: [laughs]









Griffin: Alright, he shows you a contract!

Travis: Magnus signs and then walks towards the Ram.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: He hands you a bag with 10,000 gold pieces in it, down.

Justin: Wait, 10,000 apiece?

Griffin: Total, to split.

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, no, no. Wait, come on!

Justin: [crosstalk] Oh! Okay.

[audience laughs]

Justin: Do you have a plan for if we just take the money and run?



Clint: [laughs]

Justin: I’m talking to Griffin!

Griffin: No.

Justin: Okay, cause Taako says yes. I don’t understand why these other two did. Taako says yes I will take that offer.

Travis: Oh, I was just gonna take it and then still do the race anyway.

Justin: That seems— okay.

Griffin: Wait, did you just say that out loud?

Justin & Travis: No!

Clint: That was Travis’ voice.

Travis: Wait, let me run it back— [rewinding bloops]



Justin: Okay Merle, hurry up and talk us into doing this, 'cause I think—

Griffin: I think he’s good, no, I think he does it! You hand him a contract and he hands you 10,000 gold pieces. He says:







Griffin: And he does! And now you have 10,000 gold pieces.

Clint, Travis, and Justin: Yay!

Clint: Can we buy some shit?

Griffin: Uh, no.

Justin: I know that it probably seems like that was really scummy of us, but we’re gonna give some of it to a local Dallas charity.

Griffin: [laughs]

Justin: Now you feel bad! Now you’re the bad guy!

Clint: Who deserves 5,000 fantasy gold pieces?

Justin: [crosstalk] Whoah, whoah, whoah.

Travis: [crosstalk] 5,000? Come on, Dad. 2,000.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Hang on, Dad.

Griffin: Okay so it’s a short while later, I guess you’ve headed to the circuit and taken your places for the race. You’re sitting inside—

Travis: After buying a lot of candy.

Griffin: Yeah. You’re sitting inside of Hurley’s wagon within a large crate, just like last time, positioned at the starting line, and the engine is puttering. Fortunately, you’re—

Travis: Pumping in time? Does the green light flash, the flag go up?

Griffin: Oh, stop.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Fortunately, this wagon runs on an arcane core, so there’s no fumes to inhale, which I only just thought of while I was prepping this part.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Merle, you’re in the front passenger seat, Taako, you are standing in this cut-out space in the roof, where the harpoon gun is mounted, and Magnus, you are on the trunk, connected to the car with wires you have attached to loops on your harness. Basically the same arrangement as last time. And Hurley says from the driver’s seat:























Griffin: There’s no lawyers. But there’s necromancers. [eerily]

Clint: [crosstalk] Ohhh.

Travis: Alright.

Griffin: That’s nothing. [laughs] I’m not, no- And outside of the crate you hear two high pitched beeps, and then Hurley says:



Griffin: And then a third beep, and the door to the crate drops, and Hurley slams on the gas.

Justin: Hell yeah!

Travis: Woo!

Griffin: And you are temporarily blinded as you emerge from the crate and quickly your eyes acclimate to the sunlight, and you try to take in your sort of chaotic surroundings. The circuit is nothing like the last track that you raced on. If you remember it was just kind of out in the desert with these pylons that people watched through.

Clint: Yeah, I remember.

Griffin: It used to be illegal, but now it’s totally cool here. There are actual stands now, reaching upward a couple of stories surrounding the track, just, filled with people. There’s no need for the viewers of this sport to remain anonymous anymore, and there are fifteen other battle wagons on the course with you tonight, and their designs are just as diverse as you expected, but there’s far too much movement and dust being kicked up for you to sort of, take down a mental list of them, and for several moments, Hurley shifts her wagon through several gears as you weave through the crowd, until, several hundred feet from the starting line, the wagons fall into an order. You’re in fifth place, let’s roll initiative.

[audience cheers]

Justin: Ah, Hoops has thirteen plus three, sixteen.

Travis: I have a six plus two, eight.

Clint: I have an eighteen, [audience cheers], plus…

Justin: Base setter, that seems like a good sign.

Clint: Where? Yeah! Plus two, twenty!

Griffin: Good roll. Okay. Y’all, I live in Texas, I feel really guilty about the ‘yeehaw’ thing. [audience laughs] I know that ain’t you. Okay, anyway. Hurley drafts behind the vehicle in front of you, and then pulls alongside it, bringing you into combat range. This wagon, like those you’ve faced before, has a peculiar design. It resembles a metallic, fifteen foot long caterpillar, with five segmented, armoured compartments, each with a pair of sharp, iron legs that skitter quickly across the racetrack, pounding the dirt as it runs. The vehicle’s sole passenger, a clean-shaven dwarven man, is controlling the caterpillar from inside of a glass-domed cockpit on the front segment. He eyes your vehicle, and starts to steer the caterpillar into a collision course with your battle wagon. Merle! You’re up first. Uh oh.

Travis: Don’t fuck up.

Clint: I’m going to cast…

Justin: Okay.



Travis: No. No, you were right. Unless Merle is announcing, to the car, that—

Justin: [imitating Merle] Big news, everybody!

Clint: Merle casts Shield of Faith!

??: On—?

Clint: It’s a shimmering field, appearing and surrounding a creature of your choice within range, granting it a +2 bonus to ack [AC] for the duration. [audience laughs]

Griffin: Who are you casting this spell on?

Clint: Ahh… Oh! Ahh… [audience laughs] Ah, Taako! On Taako.

Griffin: [laughs]

Clint: I cast it on Taako.

Griffin: Okay! Alright! Taako, you have +2 AC.

Clint: [to Travis] You have a shield!

Travis: I’m the fucking tank!

Griffin: Doesn’t matter! Alright! You cast the shield on Taako.

Travis: It’s like you ran a marathon, and you made it to the last ten feet and then went, [crosstalk] ‘what’ and then made a hard right...

Griffin: [crosstalk] Don’t meta-game, this is beautiful. Merle had to make—

Clint: It’ll always work out!

Griffin: Merle had to make a panicked, command decision, and he just, did Taako. This is like that episode of Friends, where they were all the backseat— hold on, everybody— there’s a backseat in a taxi, and they hear what they thought was a gunshot, and then Joey jumped in front of Ross, and Chandler’s like, ‘what the fuck?’, but really Joey’s diving for his sandwich! [laughs] Fuck!

Travis: Fuck that’s good!

Griffin: Taako, you’re up.

Clint: And you’re welcome.

Justin: So what’s happening now?

Griffin: Caterpillar is getting closer, almost like it’s going to act next.

[audience laughs]

Justin: Ahm… I am going to cast a little evocation just to get things started. Ah, I am gonna cast— I’m not checking texts, by the way—

Travis: Yeah, seeing how the Max Fun Drive is going.

Justin: Yeah, still time to donate. [audience laughs] Ah, okay. I am going to cast Immolation!

Others: Oh!

Justin: Flames wreathe one creature you can see within range. I’m counting the—

Griffin: Yep.

Justin: It’s a creature.

Griffin: The caterpillar? The vehicle, or the driver?

Justin: Inside the driver, would be safer for us, so I’m going to say—

Griffin: Inside the cockpit?

Justin: Inside the cockpit.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay, sure.

Travis: [crosstalk] Inside the driver.

Griffin: This is horrible. These safety harnesses will save you from death. I don’t know how that works [crosstalk] if you fill his cockpit with fire.

Justin: [crosstalk] Burn him from the inside!

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: I did ask—

Griffin: His charred corpse steps out of the cockpit, yeeah...

Travis: I did ask for clarification between can’t and shouldn’t.

Justin: It’s like prison! I’m killing one early so they know not to fuck with me!

Griffin: Yeah, okay. Roll that beautiful bean footage.

Justin: So you have to make a dexterity saving throw.

Griffin: I got another six. Wait, plus two, eight.

Justin: [raspberry noise] That’s a big ‘N’ ‘O’ on that one good buddy, you’re gonna need to take 7d6 fire damage.

Clint: [singing] Burn, baby, burn!

Travis: Don’t worry, he has a safety harness on.

Griffin: Okay. Okay.

Justin: You’re also gonna be burning for a minute.

Griffin: Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hey, Juice? Do not worry about that part. [audience laughs] I think the 7d6 is just gonna get me. Go ahead and roll your d6. Actually, wait, I can do a—

Justin: Also, you know what, this is neither here nor there, but you are also shedding a bright light in a 30ft radius. [giggles] I don’t know if that’s-

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: And the crowd goes wild.

[the crowd does indeed, go wild]

Griffin: I got a 34.

Justin: Wait a second, hold on, hold on, hold on. It’s up, there you are.

Travis: Yeah. Not surprising: bear hat, very warm.

Griffin: 34 fire damage, as you just see this dwarven man like ‘Eyy?’ [immolation noise]

Travis: [laughs]



Griffin: And then there’s a 30ft radius of bright light, [audience laughs] and that’s cool.

Justin: And it makes a spotlight on Taako, and he goes:



[audience cheers]

Griffin: I think for added effect as well, the cockpit is soundproof, so you just see like [presumably does something amusing]

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: That’s gonna make good podcast listening, Griff!

Griffin: And they are not dead, but—

Travis: Sad.

Griffin: Beaten. Vanquished. However, he was going to act next. The caterpillar was on a trajectory to collide with the car, and I think it still, sort of, was moving in that direction, and tries to trample over the vehicle. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: Eighteen, plus two, twenty.

Justin: Eleven.

Clint: Five?

Griffin: Wowzers.

Clint: Plus one, six!

Griffin: Oh that’s good! No. No. Magnus is safe, Taako and Merle, you take 22 points of piercing damage.

Justin: Hachi-machi! {29:45}

Griffin: As the legs—

Clint: Wow. That sucks for you, pal.

Justin: You too, dog.

Griffin: And with that, the caterpillar just goes completely over you, and I think it just tilts over, and falls to the side, and crashes into the side barrier of the track.

Clint: Aww.

Travis: I was gonna do something so cool, too.

Griffin: Well, there’s more wagons. And I think as it falls, you see the cockpit tumble open, and you see this dwarf come out, and he just looks kinda like, singed, and he’s just like, ‘huh, oh well!’, but he’s totally fine.

[audience laughs]

Travis: And he kinda has a look, like, ‘ugh, what a day.’

Griffin: He kicks the dust, he’s like, ‘aww, shoot!’

Travis: Well, next time!

Griffin: Hurley takes a turn with expert precision, putting you just behind, bumper to bumper, the next wagon in the order. This vehicle has a long, cylindrical body. It has a narrow cannon in front, a single, huge exhaust pipe at its rear, and just behind the cannon, is a glass tank filled with a strange, yellowish fluid. It is a giant vape pen. Anyway. [audience laughs] It has four gerblin passengers, all saddled on top like a rowing team. The rear rider sees your wagon behind them and it shouts out and suddenly the exhaust pipe at the rear end of the vehicle emits a massive plume of fog, obscuring your vision, and hiding this vehicle and the entire racetrack from your sight. Magnus, you’re up. {31:18}

Travis: Of all the people [Indistinguishable audience shout] well [giggle] What is the..?

Justin: We don’t actually, but if we use your thing everybody will know the jig is up.

Travis: Is the vehicle metallic?

Griffin: It is.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Except for the vape juice container. The flavor by the way is…

Clint: Peas.

Justin: Mango.

Griffin: PEA-FLAVORED VAPE!? [audience laughter] Go to jail. [audience laughs louder] Mango. It’s mango mint, so you get those tropical notes and then you get like a “ooh” but “oooh!” [audience laughter]. Magnus, you’re taking heavy rips on the trunk, what do you do?

Travis: Right now I’m just enjoying it, frankly.

Griffin: I will say, sort of the mechanic here, 'cause this is kinda how it worked last time: if you want Hurley to reposition in any way or do any sort of maneuver to aid... specifically I think this applies mostly to you [meaning Travis/Magnus] since your shit's all sort of physical.

Travis: How close were we to it?

Griffin: Just behind ‘em like, bumper to bumper.

Travis: Okay great. So, can I get to the front of the car?

Griffin: Yeah sure, you have to unhook yourself. Oh, no, the rails run front to back.

Travis: Yes, so I get to the front of the car.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And I deploy my magnetic charge.

Griffin: Oh shit, what?

Travis: Yeah, my magnetic charge.

Griffin: I forgot I— you— Yes!

Travis: Fist-sized ball that produces magnetic field that repels metal objects.

Griffin: You remembered you had a magic item!

Travis: Yes I did. [Audience Cheers] And I kind of, as I activate it, chuck it towards the vape pen car.

Griffin: Uhh, okay, what we have to figure out. I’m totally into this... Hurley’s battle wagon is also metal.

Travis: That’s why I threw it forward.

Griffin: Okay, but where are you kinda aiming it on the vehicle.

Travis: Forward.

Griffin: To the front of the vape pen?

Travis: To the exhaust pipe. Mmmm...

Griffin: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Travis: [laughs]

Griffin: Okay. Here's what I’ll say, normally you could just— be able to do this. You can’t see because of the plume of fog instead of giving you disadvantage or anything, I think it’s just a straight up like, attack roll of you throwing this thing plus dex.

Travis: 14 plus dex is a 16.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Wait. Wait wait wait. I thought he had disadvantage. Doesn’t that mean he has to roll twice?

Griffin: No no, he doesn’t have disadvantage that’s what I said. Okay, you throw the magnetic charge…

Travis: I mean plus if it’s an attack roll I get like…

Griffin: Yeah you’re cool, you get like plus a hundred. You throw the magnetic charge forward, into the exhaust pipe, Luke?

Travis: Yeah, fuck it. [audience laughs] Listen, we got an hour and a half to get through this whole thing?

Griffin: Yeah sure.

Travis: I throw it in the fuckin’ exhaust pipe, ay.

Griffin: Okay here’s what happens. You throw it in the exhaust pipe and it disappears as it goes into the exhaust pipe and then the magnet expands. I don’t know how this would work.

Travis: Yeah, it sets off a charge of—

Griffin: It sets off the charge. I think the way that this sort of works is the back half of the vehicle tears itself apart. I think it just rips itself apart and now it’s a kind of— maybe a little— a humble vape pen. They don’t all have to be real long folks. Uhhhhh, I’m not doing that joke. But the back half of it— two of the gerblins just go flying. And shrapnel is shredding their bodies, but then they're like, “Hey heyyy.”

Justin: It’s all in fun!

Griffin: It’s great! And you have essentially taken care of half of the vehicle.

Travis: Okay so that’s my first attack. [audience laughs]

Clint: [Laughs]

Justin: Wait, and after you threw that… [audience laughs]

Clint: For those of you listening at home, Justin is leaning over talking to Travis.

Travis: And when it lands and explodes, Magnus goes,



Griffin: Yeah yeah, sure. All right, and what do you do for your next attack? And look at that timer.

Travis: Are there more gerblins on the thing?

Griffin: There’s two more gerblins.

Clint: We are hell on gerblins.

Travis: So it’s a distance thing?

Griffin: Yes. Also because you blew up the back half, the smog is no longer coming out, it is a broken vape.

Travis: Okay, I am going to need my Chance Lance. [audience cheer] I’m trusting that it’s gonna be there.

Clint: Let’s pause for a moment.

Justin: Paulandstorm.gov [presumably because Paul came onstage briefly.]

Travis: These were made by @saltyspunny on Twitter, who brought them for us.

Griffin: It’s so fucking sick.

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Folks at home. Travis has a Chance Lance.

Travis: I have a beautiful Chance Lance.

Griffin: It’s real.

Travis: I hurl—

Justin: Throw it at the audience dude, come on.

Travis: Okay yeah.

Griffin: [Laughs] "Tragedy tonight as a—"

Travis: I hurl it at one of the gerblins. Is one of them driving?

Griffin: They’re both driving.

Travis: What?!

Griffin: It’s like a bobsled.

Travis: Okay but what is the—

Justin: Except one of them is a student driver.

Clint: [Laughs]

Griffin: I will say they’re in a row.

Travis: Okay, I throw it at one of them, I don’t fucking care. So that’s — now that appears to be a failure, but it is six plus ten so that’s 16.

Griffin: That’s a hit, my friend.

Travis: Being a warrior rules! And then it is—

Griffin: It’s called fighter.

Travis: Well actually, it’s I think bruiser or whatever— oh no, ruff boi.

Griffin: Ruff boi. [Audience cheers]

Travis: I didn’t do much damage, I only did six damage.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s not very much.

Travis: But then I call it back to me.

Griffin: Okay, here’s how it works.

Travis: How does the bubble handle piercing damage exactly?

Griffin: Here’s how it works, you throw it and you hit the back one and it also goes through the front one. They both take six damage, and as you call it back it does six more damage, for a total of twelve damage. And with that, both gerblins— they’re just gerblins— they—

Travis: [Laughs]

Griffin: —slump off the side of the wagon and I think it just kind of just slows down.

Travis: And I turn to Taako and I say,



Griffin: Okay. We can’t. Half the audience— half the time is spe—

Travis: I don’t care what you think.

Griffin: You’re losing them, Travis.

Travis: I do, I care very much.

Griffin: I think vape pen— kind of half vape pen just kind of slows down and Hurley has to steer the battle wagon around it to get in front of it. And then you see just two more wagons. I put cars here. This is the only time I missed it. You see two more wagons between you and first place and as Hurley brings your wagon into range of them it almost seems like they slow down, so as to put you right between them. And that’s when you recognize that these two nearly identical vehicles are working in tandem. They’re both imposing figures. These eight foot high rectangles of rusted brass, each one has four antennae positioned at their corners, and they’re all facing you. And from your position you can just barely see these small rectangular vents on the front sides of these rectangular wagons which you assume to be the view ports through which the racers inside are watching the track. The one on your left is outlined with a red trim around its edges and the one on your right is outlined in blue. Merle you’re up. Two wagons, one to the left, one to the right, big rectangles with antennae on them.

Clint: Rectangles with antennae. Oooh.

Justin: [Clears throat]

Clint: Okay Merle casts—

Travis: Here we go.

Clint: Gate!

Travis: What? A third spell?

Clint: He conjures a portal linking an unoccupied space you can see within range in a precise location on a different plane of existence. [audience laughs]

Justin: Okay... What?

Griffin: No no no. Good. Good good good.

Clint: Okay, and I’m gonna cast it in front of the blue one.

Griffin: Ah, you’ve disarmed the bomb— that’s not how this works. It’s fine. Okay, do I do anything? Or…

Clint: Uh… The victim cannot do anything, they just have to go into the gate.

Griffin: Travis, what’s the fuckin' card say? [audience laughs]

Clint: The portal is a circular opening, which, I need my glasses for the second half of this show.

Travis: You have a son.

Clint: Okay, thanks.

Travis: Let me just read it.

Clint: 'Cause I can’t see shit.

Griffin: How big is the opening Travis, like the size of like a...

Travis: It is five to twenty feet in diameter, the portal lasts the duration which is up to one minute.

Griffin: Five feet in diameter, okay. You conjure a gate in front of the blue one, and it’s five feet in diameter…

Travis: Five to twenty feet. Five to twenty.

Griffin: Five to twenty feet. What plane of existence are you sending them to? Don’t say the Hunger, 'cause that’s gone.

Clint: Oh... Uhhhhh.

Travis: Heads up, you’re welcome.

Clint: The astral plane. Y’know where—

Griffin: [Laughs] [Audience laughs and cheers]

Clint: Where astral shit hangs out.

Griffin: That’s the plane of the after-life, and that’s very good.

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: So, okay.

Clint: Yeah, they’re going there. To that—that plane. That’s the plane…

Justin: Tell me more about these harnesses. Yeah, very good harnesses today I hope.

Griffin: We see— okay— you see this gate appear in front of the blue one and all of you see the blue one just like at speed with you, and then you see like a flat line of like, blue fire, and then it passes through it and then it’s just not next to you anymore and then we cut to Barry, Lup and Kravitz. [audience cheers] And they’re talking to the Raven Queen and she’s giving them a dire mission and there’s windows, they’re in the prison where they do all their work. There’s huge windows outside and you see the endless sea of souls outside, and they’re talking and it’s a mission of much import. And then just this giant car just, vwoomp, falls past the window, and they all look to the side, and then they just look back, shrug, resume talking.

Travis: "Merle, probably Merle."

Griffin: And then from inside we see this halfling, and he’s inside the thing just like, looking through the window at this sea of souls he’s falling through but he’s just like,



Griffin: Taako— {42:00}

Justin: I know what the next live episode is gonna be. Go to rescue that poor son of a bitch.

Griffin: Taako, you are up. You just have the red rectangle wagon now.

Justin: Ummm. Is it posing any threat?

Griffin: Yes, so those antennae now have started to spark a little bit with electricity, almost as if they had you sandwiched between them that was gonna be a really cool big attack, but then.

Clint: Ooohhh. Aaahhh. Okay, that’s why you gave me that really shitty look.

Griffin: I gave you an excited look, that was very good.

Travis: Well, he didn’t expect you to be competent.

Clint: Yeah, that’s true. Fooled him. [Travis and Clint laugh]

Travis: It only took three years of hustling.

Griffin: What you got, Taako?

Justin: [Sigh] I’m gonna do another magic.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: What?

Justin: Here’s one of the magics— and you know I’m trying to make it—

Griffin: Do some fun.

Justin: Just trying to do something fun.

Clint: The people of Dallas deserve fun. [audience cheers] Give them some fun, dammit.

Justin: I don’t know what that means.

Clint: I know, I know.

Justin: I got you.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: So Taako extends his fingers, and you expect there to be like, fire and shit but instead you just get [Beatboxing] It’s a bass, there’s a bass line and then he wiggles his ring finger and a melody extends [Beatboxing]

Griffin: Is he playing Drop Mix on the—

Justin: No, he’s playing Otto's Irresistible Dance. It’s a sixth level enchantment. Don’t worry about rolling, it says "irresistible" right there in the title.

Griffin: [Laughs]

Justin: Choose one creature you can see within range. The target begins a comic dance in place, shuffling, tapping its feet, and capering for the duration of one minute. That is on the driver, obviously.

Griffin: Yeah sure. A hatch on the top of the vehicle pops open and you see another halfling pop up and is now sort of Teen Wolf surfing on top of this vehicle. And then he just starts doing the Cupid Shuffle, but so hard. Like hitting it so fucking hard. Just like slide to the left like URGH! And then he slides to the right and falls off the fucking battlewagon.

Clint: [Laughs] And then pops up from the ground and goes—

Griffin: And he gives a big thumbs up. And he looks around and he’s like,



Griffin: As you conquer the two electrified wagons and leave them in your dust you see nothing ahead of you but empty track and the smoking rubble of a few of your competitors.

Travis: We’re gonna wrap this up early.

Griffin: This has been a particularly battle-filled battle wagon race it would seem, but there’s nobody ahead of you to challenge your final lap. Behind you though, is another story. You turn in unison to the sound of massive footsteps and see, quickly approaching, a massive battle wagon in the shape of a tyrannosaurus rex. It is impressively to scale, with razor sharp fangs, small cute arms, and two massive legs that are currently bounding towards you gaining speed. And it lowers its head to ram your wagon and behind its eyes, you see its driver, a human smiling with sinister intent. And then... the T-Rex explodes. As—

Travis: Ohh I was gonna say faster, must go faster, and you fucking stole it.

Griffin: Oh, say it.



Griffin: And then the T-Rex explodes.

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: As does the ground around and behind you. And when the smoke clears, the T-Rex is gone, and you see its racer flailing away from the scene but still pretty good. And then you hear whistling from above, and then more explosions which Hurley weaves through deftly. But the heat of the bombs is flashing against your face…

Travis: Oh shit, we’re in the Red Zone.

Griffin: And you f— Nerd Alert. And you follow the sound of the whistling upward and find in the sky, three flying vehicles above you. A wide winged metallic bomber that’s readying another salvo. A dragon-shaped vehicle with wings covered in bright red canvas, and a small wooden skimmer with an auto crossbow mounted wings—

Travis: Blaze Wings!

Griffin: And each of you— thanks, Travis, that’s great— and each of these planes is towing a colorful banner behind, and when read together they read, “Want a real race? Take to the sky with... the Blaze Wings.” [others laugh] We’re gonna take intermission, we will be right back. We’ve got posters and merch in the lobby. Go and we’ll be back soon. Bye.

[Interlude music]

Griffin: Hey everybody this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend and your big dog. Woof woof, where’s mah big dogs at? Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone, our live show from Dallas from earlier this year. Hope that you are enjoying it, we’re putting up a live show this episode because Travis was on an extended vacation so we needed some to cover for him, but we'll be back in two weeks on Thursday May 31st with a new episode in the Amnesty arc. We’re gonna be getting back to that soon, but for right now let me tell you about some of our sponsors. First off I want to tell you about Casper. Casper is fantastic, they’re a sleep brand that continues to revolutionise the line of products to create an exceptionally comfortable sleep experience, one night at a time. They offer affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to the consumer. We have a Casper mattress that we use in our guest room and we get so many compliments from folks who are like, best sleep I’ve ever had, soft, good for back, great for dreams had sweet dreams about Scott Bakula and his handsome body, and it was a great dream, and thank you to Casper. Casper brand mattresses contain multiple supported memory foams for a quality sleep surface with the right amount of sink, and the right amount of bounce. You can be sure your purchase with their 100 night, risk free, sleep on it trial. You can get 50 dollars towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com/adventure and using the promo code “adventure” at check out. Terms and conditions apply. I also want to tell you about Blue Apron, you know about Blue Apron. They’re the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. When it comes to dinner let Blue Apron take care of the planning and the chopping while you do the cooking and the eating. You’ll enjoy delicious meals like popcorn chicken with sweet chili cabbage slaw, and cumin spiced wonton noodles with vegetables and peanuts on the table in thirty minutes or less. With incredible ingredients and chef designed recipes, Blue Apron lets you see what the power of food can do. We love Blue Apron, I have made so many tasty meals with Blue Apron, and also learned how to cook things. I can cook the Blue Apron things, I can cook other things. I can cook a soup. I can cook a bread, and that’s all the food I can think of right now. So check out this week’s menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com/adventure. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Got a Chumbotron here, and for thi— Did I call it a “Chumbotron”? I’m gonna email Jesse and see if we can change the name of that. This Chumbotron is about the Once and Future Nerd, which you can find wherever you get your podcasts. Or you can say hey to them on Twitter, Tumblr, or Facebook. The Once and Future Nerd is a tale about three teenagers from Pennsylvania who are transported to a fantasy world on the brink of civil war. As they take their new reality into their own hands they meet a colorful cast of misfits, fulfill and break all those fantasy tropes you love, or hate, and discover power they never even imagined. This epic saga is brought to life with sound effects, score, and a full cast of award-winning actors doing their damndest to make you laugh and or feel things. Aww that sounds nice, I haven’t felt something in a while, and that sounds bleak but maybe I’ve been waiting on this podcast to get me there, it’s the Once and Future Nerd, again wherever you find your podcasts. Or on Twitto, Tumbo, or Facebo. I also want to tell you about Ghost Puncher. It’s a webcomic but it also has a companion piece, D&D storytelling podcast called Ghost Puncher Corps. You can find it at GhostPuncher.net. Here’s what they have to say, Ghost Puncher and Ghost Puncher Corps— Corps? C-O-R-P-S. I’ve never been entirely sure how to pronounce that word but I’m gonna say corps— are super natural adventurers, tasked by Lucifer herself to keep order between the living and the dead. A few things you may find in the Ghost Puncher universe. Violence, nudity, body horror, dirty jokes, swear words, demonic shape shifting truck nuts? Okay, wasn’t expecting that. Good but nevertheless suspicious pecan Sandies, Big Billy’s potato product, werewolf pro wrestlers, a society of mutant subterranean jack rabbits, crunchy riffs, sexy synths, and a whole bunch of hopelessly gay ladies. That is Ghost Puncher, and Ghost Puncher Corps, and you can find that at GhostPuncher.net. Thank you to everybody who’s been tweeting about the show using the "thezonecast" hashtag, I sure do appreciate you spreading the word about the podcast, and about Amnesty, and about all the stuff we do here on the show. If you have a friend who you think might be into the shit we sling, then go ahead and just send them our way, And that’s cool when and if you do that. Wanna tell you, we have a project we’ve been working on with the Mysterious Package Company, it is a direct mail adventure, that we will send you on in Taako’s Correspondence School of Magics and Cantrips and Other Stuffs. It’s pretty cool, I’ve used the Mysterious Package Company stuff before and they’re just neat little mysteries delivered to you in the mail, that you, y’know, solve puzzles, and do activities, and there’s a narrative component. You get some like, physical rewards for doing it. We’re really excited about this project and you can find out more at mysteriouspackage.com and look for the link for Taako’s Correspondence School of Wizardry, Cantrips, & other Magicks. Also we got a comic book, or rather a graphic novel. That’s what you call them I guess when you want them to sound like, cool, and big, and smart. It is a graphic novel, you can find out more about that. It is an adaptation of the first arc of balance, Here There be Gerblins, and it’s coming out this Summer and you can preorder it right now at theadventurezonecomic.com. I wanna thank Max Fun for having us on the network, you can go to maximumfun.org and check out all the great shows there, and if you want to hear more stuff that we do you can go to McElroyshows.com and I think that is gonna do it. Again, we will be back in two weeks with the Adventure Zone Amnesty on May 31st, so I’ll talk to you then, bye.

[Interlude music]

{53:03}

Griffin: Okay, so! Act two, begin! Hurley slams on the gas, narrowly avoiding another salvo from the enormous bomber overhead. You hear a loud clanking and whirring from the plane as it reloads for another assault. And, as if to run distraction for its companions, the smallest of the three vehicles— the wooden skimmer armed with a huge crossbow on its underside— flies down to hover just above your battlewagon. Its pilot flips some switches from its exposed cockpit and the crossbow readies a shot. It’s actually the skimmer’s turn in the order, and I think—

Justin: [softly] Damn!

Griffin: —it launches a HUGE bolt right at Magnus, who is positioned on the trunk of the vehicle, Death Proof-style.

Justin: Luckily, he’s got that magic shield that Dad made him.

[audience laughs]

Travis: You didn’t. The joke is you didn’t, you protected the magic-user—

Griffin: Twenty-four versus AC?

Clint: Oh, Taako’s the other one!

Travis: Hold on, hold on!

Griffin: There’s no way you have fucking airplane proficiency! Those don’t exist!

Travis: No, I know that. I’m looking to see what Fletcher’s Mitt does, cause I can’t remember.

Griffin: Oh, yeah…

Clint: It catches arrows!

Griffin: And it gives you plus one AC to projectiles, and if you block it, you catch the missile.

Travis: And then I also have the Giant’s Ring, and I assume — cause you said it was a giant crossbow.

Griffin: [nervously] Okay…

Travis: I— have I fought against crossbows before? I have, 'cause of Killian.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: So yes, actually—

Griffin: That makes 24— okay… [audience cheers] This fucking crossbow-wielding anti-infantry vehicle shoots a giant crossbow bolt at you, and you just— WHONK! [audience laughs and cheers] You whonk it, and—

Travis: [laughing] And I throw it back!

Griffin: It is your turn…

Travis: And I throw it back! [audience laughs] No, I— well, I’m gonna hold onto it and I’m gonna grappling-hook-swing up into it.

Griffin: Your grappling hook?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: You have one of those...

Travis: Yes I do.

Griffin: Okay…

Travis: I can use it once per day, I’m remembering all my items!

Griffin: Uh— [audience cheers] any hot deets in there, or…

Travis: Yeah, I’m sure there are [laughs] things… yes, grappling hook, good for one use per day to climb something like Batman.

Griffin: [incredulously] That’s the end of it, what the fuck!

Travis: That’s what it says in the wiki!

[Audience laughs]

Clint: Good ol’ wiki!

Griffin: [mockingly] “I just feel like the world of Balance was so much more fleshed out…” [laughs]

Clint: Well it went for 12 years!

Griffin: Okay, uh, alright! You do that! You — Peew! Zip! Zing! Whoa! Aw man!

Travis: Now I would like to use my vehicle proficiency to try to take over the vehicle.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, it’s an open cockpit, right. I'm thinking like a biplane, right? Like sort of an old-timey biplane with a crossbow mounted underneath, however, there is somebody in there, so it’s not— you’re not rolling against the airplane, like, “I’m doing the Airplane Takeover Roll!” You’re gonna have to do something about the person in the pilot seat.

Travis: Okay, okay—

Justin: Why does— I’ve always wondered— why does Travis get to do so many things every time?

Travis: Why do you get to summon horses and dinosaurs and shit?

Griffin: The uh, the—

[audience member yells out “GARYL!”]

Travis: I know his name is Garyl, I’m on the show!

Clint: I thought it was Garyl.

Griffin: The grappling hook was a move action, this is your action-action.

Travis: And I get six of those!

Griffin: Okay, yes.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: Okay, I’m going to— I don’t know— stab him!

[Audience laughs]

Griffin: With the bolt…?

Travis: With what? I don’t know, I’ve got so much!

Griffin: Well then fucking pick something!

Travis: I’m going to— I don’t know— feels like a sneak attack, doesn’t it? I’m going to—

[Justin and Clint laugh]

Travis: Uh...

Justin: Very sneaky!

Travis: I’m gonna chop his head off with Railsplitter, fuck off!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Okay. Roll it. Roll that bean footage.

Clint: Yeah, good luck, harness.

Travis: That’s a 26.

Griffin: [sarcastically] Yeah, that just hits.

[Audience laughs]

Clint: And it does not cut his head off fatally.

Travis: No, that is an eight plus five— thirteen.

Griffin: Okay, with a thirteen, you get into that neck meat, but he kinda flexes like,



Griffin: And the head does not come off.

Travis: I come at it for a second time.

Griffin: He laughs after the first attack, like,



Travis: Uh, seventeen.

Griffin: Uh, yes.

Travis: That is ten points of damage.

Griffin: It’s just on there with sinew and thread, and he’s like,



Travis: I action— uh, action surge. [audience laughs] Nineteen.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: That’s, uh, thirteen again.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: [sing-song voice] I do one thing and I do it good!

Clint: And over and over again!

Griffin: His head... comes off. And, he’s like:



Griffin: And it starts to, like, slide off his neck, he’s like:



Griffin: But... still alive, he’s also wearing a harness, so he’s good to go.

Justin: These are good— can we keep these harnesses, they are very good!

Griffin: No, they only work… today. And, [audience laughs] uh, and I think his whole body, I think the — oh, here’s what happens — the plane starts to tilt, and his whole body just slumps out, and it also gets run over by Hurley’s battlewagon, but he’s still, like:



Griffin: Uh, the plane is starting to roll a little bit, there is still a tether, I think — well, no, I guess it was just a grappling hook, so it’s just you in the plane. Um…

Travis: [softly] It’s mine now.

Griffin: Is it— you’re in it? Okay, you’re in it, I’m not gonna do like a “you have to save the plane,” I think—

Travis: It’s my fucking plane now.

Griffin: Yeah, you have a plane now. Ha ha ha. Now I have a plane.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Okay, you did some cool stuff there. Merle, it is your turn. You got two more planes— and these planes are high above. They are pretty— pretty high up there, like… seventy feet? Does that feel good to everybody?

Clint: Wow. That’s really— okay.

Travis: Heh heh, does that seem high to you, or...?

Griffin: A hundred feet? How high is high? Let’s say a hundred and twenty feet.

Clint: Okay. So they’re up there. I cast Control Weather!

Griffin: What do you do with the weather? Hold on, wait—

Clint: You can— wait, I gotta revel in this!— you take control of the weather within five miles!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Fuck!

Travis: Wait, what the fuck? Hold on!

Clint: Read it and weep, loser!

Justin: It’s, watch, right now I’m calling it—

Travis: This is a Level 8 spell, are you—

Clint: Yes, I know it’s a Level 8— Oh my god, where were they?

[audience cheers]

Clint: Where were they?

Griffin: Oh— Dad has his glasses back.

Justin: Dad has his glasses.

Griffin: It’s Level 8, but because—

Clint: Holy shit, look at all of you!

[Audience cheers]

Clint: Wo-o-o-ow! I just thought it was, like, 8 people making a lot of noise.

Justin: [sarcastically] Play some D&D with your dad. Have some laughs.

Griffin: All right—

Clint: You change the current weather conditions, you can change precipitation, temperature, and wind, so I’m gonna attack the— what’s the most rickety—

Griffin: Okay, this would not be an attack. You can do something and I’ll help you resolve it into something cool, but you’re not rolling, like, an attack.

Clint: Okay. I want there to be… baseball-sized hailstones—

Griffin: Okay, that’s a little TOO real, cuz Dallas is…

Clint: Softball-sized.

Griffin: Let’s, how ‘bout this, some people come here as an escape from the baseball-sized hailstones, so why don’t we—

Clint: How about this, how about if they’re coated with ice, all of them, which means they can’t fly as high-

Travis: Stop, okay—

Clint: And get ‘em within range of us.

Griffin: Uh, it is a sleet storm, and because of this, uh, they are gonna have disadvantage on their, sort of, plane-based actions while they are in the sleet storm. You have de-buffed them permanently. You didn’t crash both fucking planes in the sky, with the one spell you shouldn’t be able to cast—

Clint: [crosstalk] That’s all right! Still, sounds pretty damn competent to me.

Griffin: Sure does.

Clint: [to audience] What do you think?

[Audience cheers]

Clint: Thank you.

Griffin: Taako, you’re up.

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: I also think they come down now, now they’re… 60 feet above you.

Clint: Eh—

Travis: Does that still feel high?

Griffin: Still kinda high— how high is 60 feet? I’m trying to think of a 60-foot-tall dude, and that’s like, pretty tall, yeah? Yeah!

Justin: Wait, they’re 60 feet now?

Griffin: Yeah, they came down.

Travis: Or like twelve 5-foot-tall people.

Justin: Now they’re 60 feet. [tongue pop] I’m gonna cast Mordekainen’s Sword.

Clint: Yea-a-a-a-h!

Justin: Uh, you see Taako extend his hand, and a big sword comes out of it. [Clint laughs] It is a sword-shaped plane of force that hovers within range. It lasts for the duration. Um, and I’m gonna make a melee spell attack against a target of my choice.

Griffin: You got the dragon, and then you got the big bomber, the big metallic bomber, or sort of the more canvas-y—

Justin: They’ve got disadvantage, yeah?

Griffin: Uh… yeah. On their saves and stuff.

Justin: Perfect.

Clint: Thanks to Merle.

Justin: Thanks to Merle, and his great— oh my god that’s a natural 20!

Griffin: Ohhhh!

[audience cheers]

Clint: Now, for those of you who are listening, his— his thing lit up.

Griffin: That’s true. Yo, we’ve got 20 minutes left we’re supposed to do, you can’t keep insta-killing these planes!

Justin: It’s— this is not gonna insta-kill it, Griffin. It’s just 3d10 force.

[Clint and audience laughs]

Griffin: Well, is it x2 on a crit spell? Yeah, so that’s gonna be 6d10. We gonna do this manually?

Justin: 8. 7.

Griffin: 15...

Travis: 19.

Justin: 19 times 2?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin and Travis: 38.

Griffin: Okay. Yes, okay, okay. And this was on the dragon?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, and what’s it look like? Describe it with your words.

Justin: It’s, uh…

Griffin: You did TAZ Elementary, I know you know how to paint a picture.

[Audience cheers]

Justin: So it’s, uh, it’s— you just wanted to drink some water— [Griffin: Yup.] it’s a sword... if you’ve ever seen…

Clint: A sword.

Justin: If you’ve ever seen—

Griffin: A Game of Throne, they have, like, everyone’s got em.

Justin: You know how on Thundercats?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Ooh.

Justin: It looks like the Sword of Omens. ‘Cuz… they just got Thundercats in this world. And everyone’s really into it.

Griffin: Shit, they—

Travis: They just got there.

Justin: They just got it, and everybody’s super into it.

Griffin: So slash or stab?

Justin: It’s a wall of force, so it, it sort of slashes… through, I guess?

Griffin: Okay, I like that. Uh, all right, I think you—

Justin: It’s force damage, so it’s like—

Travis: You know, if someone hit you with, like, the flat of the blade, just like [impact noise] ow!

Justin: Yeah, it’s basically a spank, a spanking spell.

[Audience laughs]

Justin: A spanking sword, if you will.

Griffin: All right, you hurt this dragon real bad, and with that, it flies down towards you, and it swoops in to sort of intercept you and protect the bomber. And as you eyeball it, you realize that this vehicle has no pilot. It is being controlled remotely somewhere by somebody very skilled.

Travis: Asshole.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: With a flap of what remains of its wings, it pulls ahead and turns to face you, and it has streaks of flame beginning to grow in its mouth. Taako, uh, [to himself] Jesus Christ. And it has disadvantage. Okay, first time I rolled a three. The second time, I swear to Christ, I rolled a one.

[audience laughs]

Justin: [sarcastically] Let me check my sheet, hold on.

Clint: Ohh.

Griffin: Okay, so. It tries to bite at you, and right as it does—

Justin: And its fucking butt falls off?

Griffin: Its jaw, its jaw is like— [creaking squawks], and its jaw just falls completely off, because of the cool slash that you did earlier. Then, with its second attack, uh, that fire—

Travis: Wait, it gets more than one attack?

Griffin: Yeah, imagine that. Its fire, now unimpeded by a second lower jaw shoots out—

Justin: [laughs] Its true form has been realized!

Griffin: —at your vehicle. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: But I’m not on the…

Griffin: Oh, you’re right. Magnus is good. Actually, no, it’s shooting at all of them. You are saving for the plane.

Justin: Nineteen plus three, 22?

Griffin: Good.

Travis: I got a twelve. [about Clint] That is a nat 20.

Griffin: Okay, but it is, that is just a save.

[Audience cheers]

Griffin: You very save, you extremely save. Uh, Magnus, the fire just gets—

[Audience oohs]

Griffin: Okay, now Dad just knocked a bottle of water off the table and grabbed it. Tonight—

Clint: I’m on FIRE!

Griffin: You are killing it. Okay.

Clint: I am ON FIRE.

Griffin: Magnus, take—

Justin: I’m gonna miss him so much.

Griffin: Magnus, take 32 points of fire damage.

Travis: All right.

Griffin: And also, the left wing of your airplane is on fire.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Still flying, on fire, going to be a situation.

Travis: All right.

Clint: You have a harness, Trav.

Griffin: You are next.

Travis: And now I’m down to only 99 hitpoints.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: You are next, Magnus. Don’t fucking lower the stakes for them, they don’t know how many fucking hitpoints you have!

Travis: I do! It’s on my sheet!

Griffin: No, they don’t! I say 36, they’re like “What if he has thirty seven?”

Travis: [laughs] Okay, so my plane is a little on fire, do I— can I control the giant crossbow?

Griffin: Uh, hm. That’s a good question. Actually, because you’re in the middle of a hailstorm, you can but you’ll have disadvantage. Hoo-o-o-o!

Justin: Good job, Dad.

Travis: How close am I to the bomber?

Griffin: Uh, it’s still way up in the sky, it’s a hundred and twenty feet. [recording skip, missing info, probably something along the lines of Travis saying that he wants to fly the skimmer into the dragon] Uh, you could, but you’re going to have to roll really good to fly through this sleet storm—

Travis: Well, I pull out my Stone of Farspeech [makes clicking noise]—



[Griffin laughs]



Griffin: [mockingly, with the same “radio” effect] Come on back here, buddy.



[Audience laughs. All continue talking with the "radio" effect.]

???: [radio effect] 10-4, back door.



Justin: What?

Griffin [possibly voicing an NPC?]: Hey, sorry, this is [Ger? Jerr?]—



Griffin [same possibly npc voice]: Can you say that again? You sound wild—

Justin: You fucking, like, microphones work by putting your voice in them, like—

Travis: [radio effect] Uhhhhhhhhhhh…

Justin: —that’s how I hear you.

Clint: [radio effect] Did you, did you want a large fries with that?

[audience laughs]

Justin: This is hell!

Clint: [still doing the radio effect] —an orange drink. Do you want an orange drink?

Griffin: Are you trying to get the person controlling the dragon to—

Travis: No, I was trying ask Taako what the deal was with the dragon but I’m just going to crash my plane into the dragon.

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: [a bit incredulous] Okay.

Travis: Don’t worry, I’m gonna leap to safety.

[audience laughs]

Clint: In your harness.

Travis: In— no, to the battlewagon.

Justin: And that’s a natural 20.

Clint: Nat 20! Man!

[audience cheers]

Clint: Juice, can you get a picture of that?

Griffin: I think the first thing you see, everybody else in the car, battlewagon, shit. I think all you see— should I wait until after you’re taking a picture in the middle of the podcast that we’re doing or…

Justin: Just a momento, we’re sharing time as a family together.

Griffin: You’re on that table, I don’t get the family time! I have my own family over here on my solo table with my fucking wizard sheet.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: I think, Taako and Merle, you see, through the windshield of the car, you see Magnus just land on the windshield, on the, uh, trunk, just like “Hey, ‘sup?” and then you see his plane, like, a second later just crash into the dragon and explode. And now, uh, both are downed, and—

Travis: And Creed starts to play in the background. Don’t ask why, it just does.

Griffin: Uh, and with that, uh, the—

Travis: And also he lowers his aviators. Or puts them on? What’s cooler? [pause] Puts them on. Puts them on.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: The bomber overhead readies another salvo of bombs, this time it’s like smaller cluster bombs that you have to dodge out of the way of on the car, and I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense if you think about it, but everyone make a dexterity saving throw.

[Indistinguishable audience shout, supposedly about Griffin saying car]

Travis: Uh, eighteen.

Griffin: Battlewagon, not car, sorry, thank you.

Justin: Uh…

Griffin: But please don’t yell things at the stage.

Justin: Uh, two.

Griffin: Two is bad.

Clint: Seventeen, plus one, eighteen.

Griffin: Uh, okay.

Justin: You’re a dextrous motherfucker tonight, man!

??: [snorts]

Griffin: Uh, yeah, Taako, you get hit by these very small bombs that [breaks into laughter] don’t hit anybody else.

[audience laughs]

Justin: Eyy.

Clint: They’re smart bombs.

Travis: But you do have that extra AC, does that help?

Justin: That does help!

[Clint cackles triumphantly]

Griffin: It doesn’t, it was a saving throw, it doesn’t help, it doesn’t help.

Justin: [crosstalk] But I rolled a two, so it doesn’t help at all.

Clint: Aw.

Griffin: It’s just 11 points of damage.

Justin: How many?

Griffin: Eleven.

Justin: Alright.

Griffin: Okay, here’s what happens. Taako, did I tell you how much damage you would take? Yes, did that. Uh, I think the bomber overhead starts to ready another salvo, and you hear Hurley, she’s got her own Stone of Farspeech— Carspeech? If it was a car, that would be good.

Travis: There’s something there.

Clint: That’s the show with the two brothers, right?

Justin: It’s her Stone of Battlewagon-speech.

Griffin: It’s her Stone of Battlewagon-speech, and she pulls it out and says, um.



Griffin: And then we see Sloane, in the press box, kinda sigh. And then the wood that composes her body, she, like, claps her hands together and it starts to glow, and then from the ground immediately in front of your battlewagon, roots start to grow up to form a sick ramp.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: And right when your car is about to hit it, Hurley flips up a latch on the stick shift and presses a button, and the horns on the ram on the front of the car turn backwards and ignite, sweet NOS. And your wagon goes flying upward into the air in the direction of the bomber.

Clint: Autobots, transform!

Griffin: And it sails over the wing of the bomber, and Hurley says—





Travis: And Magnus does.

Justin: I get out, I guess…

Griffin: Okay—

Clint: Sure.

Griffin: —and you land on the wing of the bomber for the climactic boss fight! And her car keeps on going over the wing, and you see her inside like—



Griffin: —and she goes sailing back towards the ground. But she’s fine, ‘cause she has the magic harness.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: You actually see her jump out and her bubble deploys and she falls safely, but her car explodes as it hits the ground.

[audience groans]

Griffin: But she’s cool.

Travis: She’s fine.

Griffin: And now you are on the wing of the bomber, and you land, and see where I am in the notes.

Justin: Hmm.

Griffin: You’re on the wings of the bomber, which have a span of nearly twenty feet, equipped with four propellers that drag the vessel through the sky. On the front of the plane you see a cockpit hatch protruding, heavily reinforced by the look of it, and inside you see the dwarf you encountered earlier, Alfred D’Gaul, piloting the vessel. He doesn’t seem to have noticed that you’re there—

Travis: He’s a halfling.

Griffin: Was he?

Justin: He’s a halfling, yeah.

Griffin: [to audience] Was he?

[audience cheers in agreement]

Griffin: Oooh-kay!

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Oops! You see the halfling, and it’s Alfred D’Gaul, and he doesn’t notice you’re there, but his mobility behind him is limited and he’s trying to contact his companions, but to no avail. What do you do? [pause] We are out of initiative.

Justin: Uh, is he in the race?

Griffin: Uh, the race has kinda sorta become a little confusing at this point.

Justin: [dejected] I really did want to win the race. [pause] Do you feel like we won?

[audience laughs]

Clint: There is a lot of money at stake.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: You said a hundred thousand gold.

Griffin: [a bit sarcastically] Twenty million gold, yeah.

[audience laughs]

Griffin: I never thought the three of you, sneaking up on an unarmed unaware enemy, would lead to such fucking pause.

Clint: Merle casts Death Ward!

Justin: What?

Clint: Well, you’re just sitting there on your ass, not doing anything!

Griffin: Somebody, do something, what’s going on?!

Justin: Dad cast a weird spell, so tell us all about it, Mac.

Clint: Well, the first time [crosstalk] you—

Justin: Yeah? [crosstalk] Cast it? Is now.

Clint: —the target would drop to zero hitpoints as a result of taking damage, the target instead drops to one hitpoint and the spell ends.

Justin: Are you protecting him?

Clint: What I’m—

Travis: Here’s the thing, I was going to stab him, and then Dad was like “I’m gonna kill him with a spell!” but the spell saves his life.

Griffin: Dad cast a healing spell on him, so again, I’m going to ask. Everything okay over at that table? Y’all having family discussions over on that table so I don’t know if there’s some sort of drama going on, I don’t know if you all got stung with the same bee, and it’s making your brains not work anymore.

Travis: Maybe Merle’s going through his canon spell cards. And Magnus just goes “Hold on,” and just stabs the dude.

Griffin: Okay—

Clint: Do I have to do anything to make this spell happen? Don’t I have to roll?

Griffin: [laughs] We have not played Dungeons & Dragons in so fucking long!

Clint: Here!

Travis: Your spell—

Griffin: [sounding panicked and exasperated] What are you rolling to do?!

[audience & Justin laugh]

Griffin: [in the same frantic tone] The fucking cockpit opens up, he— [struggles for words] it’s been eight minutes! He fucking looks behind him. “How long have you been there?” “Eight minutes.” He gets out of the cockpit—

[Justin laughs]

Travis: A, a 24 versus AC for a sneak attack?

Griffin: He steps out— nope it’s too late— you reach back to attack but he’s been standing there for five minutes, ‘cause you’ve been standing there for eighteen minutes doing fucking nothing!

[Justin breaks down again]

Griffin: There’s a million people here! No, Alfred gets out, and he says, uh































Justin: And Taako jumps out of the plane.

[audience cheers]

Justin: And on the way down to the ground, he casts Phantom Steed!

[cheers grow louder]

Griffin: What’s, uh, what’s the suspension like on those binicorn legs?

Justin: Um, it’s pretty good, considering that I have an umbrella that always has Feather Fall that I can cast for free.

[audience cheers]

Griffin: Do you still have that?

Travis: They crafted another one in the last six months.

Griffin: Okay, fine.

Justin: Thank you.

Griffin: So let’s finish the plane business first as you are sailing towards the ground.

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: Magnus and Merle, what do you do?

Justin: Yes!

Griffin: Are you going to let Taako win the race?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay. That’s very big of you.



Griffin: Yeah, okay. Okay, I think, D’Gaul runs back towards the cockpit—

Travis: I throw the Chance Lance.

Griffin: Okay. No, it’s gone, he’s not going to bring it out now, Paul’s got other jobs to do other than run out here and brings us cups of pencils and spears and things.

Travis: It’s a 25.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Wait, you rolled a 25?

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: Man.

Clint: That sounds like one of my rolls.

[audience laughs]

Travis: Uh, six?

Griffin: Yeah, not great, However—

Justin: Chance Lance is a little rusty from disuse, it seems.

Griffin: It hits him, and he kind of steps backwards, and he’s like [chuckles], and then as you recall it out of him, he sort of overcompensates his step and he goes backwards into one of the propellers. Um. [audience cheers] But! [laughs] As his particles fly through the air, they sort of give a thumbs-up. [audience cheers] “I’m good.” And then that propeller explodes. And then he’s still pretty good. But now the plane you’re standing on is starting to go down.



Griffin: And this is how they die!

Travis: I’ve got a harness!

Griffin: Okay, you just fucking ride it, fucking ride it to the ground?

Travis: Yeah, fuck it.

Justin: Hell yeah!

Travis: I hug Merle one last time.

Griffin: So you’re just Thelma-and-Louise-ing it? Okay. Yeah. You both go down together. Here’s the scene. Taako, you hit the ground with Garyl, and you’re just cool.



Griffin: I think the audience is kinda confused about what’s happening, they're not really sure what they just watched, they thought—

Justin: This audience? Or—

Griffin: This audience.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: They’re not really sure what they watched, they thought it was going to be a race, and then some planes from some competing leagues started to show up, and then tried to blow everything up. But you hear some yelling from the sidelines, the other racers realize what’s going on, and they’re all pointing to the finish line, which is right in front of you.

Justin: I tell Garyl, “If you go fast tonight, I’ll give you some oats.” I whisper in his ear [crosstalk] and he’s like—

Clint: [crosstalk] Ghosty oats.

Justin: And he’s like—



Justin: And I’m like—



Justin: And then he goes faster, than the other… people? I don’t know if we’re racing, I can just say he’s faster than the other ones and he wins the race?

Griffin: I think, as you’re running down the track, there are no other battlewagons—

Justin: Oh, yeah!

Griffin: —which means the audience has been down on the racetrack level for a few minutes, the thirty minutes you spent up there not doing anything—

Justin: Then Taako stands up in the stirrups and raises his hands, like hey, this is the show.

Griffin: And now the audience is losing it.

Justin: Racing is still alive!

Griffin: The audience—

Justin: He casts Prismatic Spray, and like, colors shooting out of his hands, it’s an amazing spectacle! This is what racing is all about!

Griffin: And right as you cross the finish line, the bomber crashes to the ground behind you—

[Justin laughs triumphantly]

Griffin: —in a massive explosion.

Justin: Hell yeah!

[audience cheers]

Griffin: And confetti shoots up from the pylons, and Hurley and Sloane run towards you with the Turbo Platinum Cup, and all the other racers run out, cheering. You saved their league and put on an amazing show.

Travis: [crosstalk] And Merle— Merle and Magnus are totally fine.

Griffin: And Merle and Magnus, from the flaming wreckage— do you look back to see if your friends are okay?

Justin: I don’t.

Clint: No.

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: Noooo.

Griffin: Well, for whoever is looking, from the flaming wreckage, we see the hands of Merle and Magnus stick out two big, gross thumbs up.

Justin: But Taako didn’t see that, because he didn’t look—

Griffin: No, he’s totally good.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: And that’s the episode!

Justin: Hey folks!

Griffin: Thank you all so much for coming! Uh, we’ll see whoever’s gonna be here tomorrow for MBMBAM, and... Bye!

[Outro Music: “Déjà Vu” by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]