The Adventure Zone: Live in San Diego!/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[Audience cheering wildly]

Justin: That’s like three minutes of show you don’t get. Oh wait! Magic potion. [noise like cup hitting table] Umm.

Griffin: Jesus, I’ve got a timer. We— are so fucking bad at timing out this show and we always have to like, spoiler alert: the last ten minutes are gonna be like “uhh and then the boss shows up and you kill him he’s dead!” I got a timer here and it’s actually I just realized the most stressful imaginable object. Hi everybody, welcome to The Adventure Zone! Thank you for coming!

Travis: Uh, I would like to go ahead and get it out of the way, can we get house lights for like just a minute [crosstalk] to see all the awesome cosplays?

Griffin: [crosstalk] I wanna see all the cosplays! If you’re cos— Jesus, god. Oh man, alright.

Travis: Keep cheering.

Griffin: Uh, yeah.

Clint: Wait a minute, I’m gonna sketch you all! Hold on.

Justin: It’s awesome. And you can just leave a check for a portion of the rights to those…unlicensed…

Griffin: Uh, let’s play Dungeons and Dragons. I wanna really spend some time playing this one and not [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, let’s actually play Dungeons and Dragons.

Griffin: Real quick introductions I’m Griffin McElroy and I’m gonna be the Dungeon Master. [cheering] Thank you thank you thank you.

Travis: Wait, hold on. Is there anyone here who doesn’t know the show, ‘cause it’s about to get real weird for you.

Justin: Uh, my name is Justin McElroy, I’m Taako Taaco, a wizard. [cheering]

Travis: I play Magnus Burnsides, the rustically hospitable fighter. [cheering]

Clint: And I play Merle Highchurch, the incredibly...uh...talented and gifted  Dungeons and Dragons player. [cheering]

Travis: Don’t get too close.

Clint: Was I too close?

Travis: My dad, who’s been a radio professional for the last 120 years, and—

Griffin: And he eats that microphone like it is a doughnut!

Clint: Whaat? There’re doughnuts?

Griffin: Let’s, get into it. Uh, I need everybody [chuckling] to make a Dexterity saving throw.

Clint: [very quietly] Shit.

Justin: These dice...

Clint: [Ecstatic laughter]

Justin: [crosstalk] Whoa, he did it! Nat 20, nat 20!

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: We were, we were audio testing and Dad was showing his fancy dice off ‘cause when you roll a 20 it flashes and makes noise and Dad said, “I’ve literally never seen that happen before”.

Clint: So I won!

Justin: Uh, 11.

Travis: Um, I rolled...fourteen plus two, sixteen.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, Taako, you fall twenty feet and splash into a gigantic pool of acid.

Justin: It happens!

Griffin: And as you hit the acid and take damage, you see what looks like two glowing, like holographic hearts float up and away from your body and disappear. And floating in this pool are the bones and nearly eroded-away armaments of long-lost adventurers who met with a similar fate to the one you’re about to succumb to.

Uh, “the smooth walls of this pit are lined with a spiral of two-inch-wide holes which you cannot see into. Far far above this pit in the ceiling of the room you just fell from is a circular trapdoor the exact circumference of this pit, uh and from behind that trapdoor you can hear rumbling”. Magnus and Merle, from atop this pit you see your friend fall inside and land in acid, what do you do?

Clint: Right—



Griffin: [laughing] As— as Taako says that, he dissolves completely and disappears.

Travis: Well, and that ends Taako. You were all here for it.

Justin: Should be a chill night, for the J-man.

Griffin: Uh, you do see all of his great stuff and some treasure floating down in the pool…

Travis: I use the grappling hook to save the treasure and stuff.

Griffin: Um, make a, I don’t know, a grappling hook roll. Uh, roll a D20.

Travis: Uh, 15.

Griffin: Okay. You bend over to fish out some of the, uh, some of the, uh, treasure...

Travis: That is not what I said!

Griffin: Merle what are you doing during this?

Clint: Uh, I’m…I’ll heal him. [Audience cheering and laughing]

Griffin: Alright. This is good.

Justin: Now, I did— now, okay.

Griffin: Uh, Merle, you lean over the pit to try to cast a spell to heal your… dissooolved?...friend…

Travis: It’s gonna have to be one hell of a roll!

Justin: It’s gonna be a good heal, man!

Griffin: As the two of you are leaning over this pit, the trapdoor above you opens, and drops a deluge of acid on the two of you as well, dissolving both of you also instantly. And as you’re killed, your body fractures into a million tiny multicolored squares which hover and gather where you died and then soar up into the air and out of the room you’re in, and through a twisting corridor, much fast— uh, much too fast for you to try and get your bearings.

And then, all three of you are back and standing in a long stone-wrought hallway. Behind you, the hallway extends thirty feet and at that end you see, like, a slope of dirt and sandstone bricks leading upward and out of sight and there’s some sunlight shining down from that, uh, that rough staircase.

And in the other direction away from that entrance, it— the hallway extends and it’s far too dark for you to see anything.

And after surveying this scene, the three of you notice an image in the upper-left corner of your periphery, and as you turn your head, the image moves with you. Like, it’s in a static position, and it depicts a small—

Clint: Can you do that again? Yeah.

Griffin: It depicts a small, armor-clad hero, and then a time symbol, and then the number eight. And as you’re reformed in this hallway that counter drops down to five. And you hear the disembodied voice of Lucas Miller, the scientist [audience applause] the scientist you saved one fateful Candlenights, say:



Justin: What’s the backstory of why we fuckin’ agreed to do this? Cause right now, [crosstalk] that stairway’s looking pretty good to Taako.

Griffin: Hey, wait— [crosstalk] Justin? Character voices. [raucous audience applause]

Justin: That wasn’t— no.

Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Justin: [crosstalk] No, no, no!

Clint: Character voices!!!

Travis: [crosstalk] That was OOC.

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay. No. Before you cheer for this dullard, I— when have you ever heard someone in your real life say ‘What’s the backstory’? I was talking to, fucking talking to Griffin.

Griffin: Ask, ask, ask Lucas Miller what’s up.

Justin: Um, what?

Griffin: I’m not gonna tell you what’s up, but Lucas Miller will. [crosstalk] Uh, character voices.

Justin: But we know where we— okay, do we— is this—

Griffin: [crosstalk] You don’t remember what’s up.

Justin: Is this in media res or in media non-res?

Griffin: We’re in media res, dude. [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay, media res—

Griffin: [crosstalk] We are in the media and it is res.



Clint: Theatre degree.



Griffin: Lucas says:

Justin: Fuck off with that, seriously. [audience laughter]



[audience applause]

Travis: [crosstalk] Y’all NERDS!

Clint: [crosstalk] You were waitin’ for it!

Justin: Aaawwh, geek check! Got you.



Griffin: And then in the bottom right corner of your vision some words start appearing, and then a chat message from a user named ‘BoyDetective15’— [audience screams]

Travis: Different guy.

Griffin: It’s a, yeah, it’s a different, it’s uh— no, it’s Angus McDonald. It says:



Griffin: And then another message from ‘killerkillian’ pops up— [audience screams]

Travis: Okay, we’ll be here all night!

Clint: Is that all the show’s gonna be, just droppin’ cameos like that?

Griffin: Yeah, I guess so. That’s fun, that’s a fun— hey: Kravitz! [audience cheers] [Griffin makes pschh mind blow noise]

Clint: Hey, good idea.

Griffin: All right. A message from killerkillian pops up that says:



Griffin: And then another message from a user just named ‘Leon’ just says:



Griffin: And you hear Lucas again, and he says:



Justin: Um, so what’s the exit? What do we have here?

Griffin: Well, I’ll tell you, using mostly descriptions from “The Tomb of Horrors”: “You reach the end of the hallway, away from the entrance, and are standing before three features of interest. The first is an archway. [with increasing drama] The stone archway before you is filled with a veil of thick vapours.”

Justin: Hell yeah.

Travis: Someone’s been vaping!

Justin: [crosstalk] Someone’s been vaping.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Someone’s been vaping thick cotton!

Justin: Gary Gygax invented vaping. Tweet it!

Griffin: “The stones on either side of the base and the keystone protrude slightly from the stones around them. As you move to within touching distance, the left-hand base stone begins to glow yellow, the right-hand base stone orange, and the keystone seven feet above blue.”

Travis: Wait, what?

Clint: Should we be writing this down?

Griffin: “The second feature worth noting is directly in front of you, at the far end of the hall. On the hall before you is a relief sculpture of a great green devil face, formed of mosaic tiles. The face has a h uge O of a mouth—”its o-face, if you will— “inside of which the space is dead black.

“The most outstanding feature in this location is actually outstanding”— wait, what? Oh, no, it’s like outstanding from the wall, okay. “Two jackal-headed human figures are painted so as to appear to be holding a real bronze chest that protrudes from the wall.”

Uh, that’s it. So you have the chest being held by two jackal-headed human figures, the great green devil face with the O-mouth that is filled with—

Travis: How big is his O-mouth?

Griffin: Um, it’s three feet in diameter.

Travis: I throw Chance Lance into it.

Griffin: Okay. Uh. It goes in.



Travis: And then I call it back.

Griffin: You do what?

Travis: I call it back?

Griffin: Oh. [laughing] No, you don’t.



Griffin: Yeah, your lance is... gone.

Travis: It’s not real. I mean—

Griffin: It’s real to me, damn it!

Justin: Okay, I take several steps back from the chest, and I cast Knock on it.

Griffin: What does that do?

Justin: It, uh, opens it. I could read you a fucking card if you want, but it opens it.

Travis: I also want to say, as he’s doing this, I am continually trying to call back Chance Lance.

Griffin: All right, so Merle, what are you doing while Taako casts Knock?

Clint: Um, I guess I will investigate the two—

Travis: [warningly] Donnn’t.

Clint: Uh—

Travis: You’ll die. Whatever you’re about to do, you’ll die. You’re gonna make a joke [Griffin laughing], and Griffin’s gonna smile in his shitty way that he does, and then he’s going to kill you. We gotta play this one straight, Clint.

Clint: All right. [writing it down] Don’t… examine… protruding… chest.

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: The chest opens.

Justin: Hell yeah! [Travis and Clint sing the Final Fantasy victory theme]

Justin: I, uh, I look— Mm—

Travis: Mm—

Justin: From where I am, a good distance away, I kinda… echolocate what might be in the chest. [Griffin cackles, Travis makes bat noises]

Griffin: What’s that sound like?

Justin: [high pitched boop mimicking submarine sonar]

Griffin: Using that method, it appears to be empty.

Travis: You’re not gonna make him roll for that?

Justin: [crosstalk] For echolocation?

Travis: [crosstalk] You’re just gonna let him echolocate?

Griffin: Yeah, Taako canonically has bat powers now. It— it— it appears? To be empty.

Travis: That’s the shitty way I was talking about.

Justin: Okay, well then there’s nothing, the chest is nothing. Everyone, the chest is empty and nothing, so let’s move on to something else.

Griffin: [high-pitched] Eeeemmhhhmmm…



Griffin: You hear Lucas go:



Clint: Merle casts Find Traps.

Griffin: Okay. [beat] Your fuckin’ brain explodes. You just hear a million voices scream like ‘YES!’ [pause] You hear a voice scream “IT’S THE TOMB OF HORRORS! THERE’S A MILLION OF THEM!”

Clint: Well, I can reuse this, can’t I?

Griffin: I guess so? The answer’s not going to change.

Travis: You know what, fuck it, I stick my hand in the chest.

Justin: That’s—

Travis: Wouldn’t Magnus do that? [audience assents] Thank you. I also agree.

Griffin: The lid of the chest slams down on your hand and you feel sharp poisonous needles jab into the top of your hand—

Travis: I immediately chop off my arm. [cheers]

Clint: No no no no no no! Huh-uh, huh-uh, huh-uh—

Travis: I’ve trained for this moment!

Clint: No, no, no, if anybody gets to do it, it’s me.

Travis: You’re too slow, old man!

Clint: No—

Justin: [crosstalk] Let Daddy—

Travis: I’ve done it already! Do I need to roll an attack against myself?

Griffin: Yeah, roll an attack against your own arm what are you doing?

Travis: Not great. Well, here’s the good news— well, bad news is, I rolled a five—

Justin: Hey. Wait, quick time-out. What’s worse: a good attack on yourself or a bad attack on yourself?

Griffin: A good, a good— listen, this is a surgery roll. You want high numbers right now.

Travis: Well— oh, okay, well, I rolled uh…five, plus a ten is a fifteen— but I don’t get out of the way of my own attack. I choose not to defend.

Justin: Wait, how on earth— how on earth do you add ten?

Travis: That’s my attack.

Griffin: He’s very good at attacking. [crosstalk] Okay—

Justin: [crosstalk] Wow.

Travis: You can— you can shoot flames from your hands and levitate! I just hit stuff good! Please!

Justin: Nah, it’s fine, it’s fine.

Griffin: Uh, Magnus, you take damage, and as you do you see something new appear in the upper right corner of your periphery. Three hearts pop into view, and as you cut off your own arm? Uh, two of them disappear, leaving heart-shaped outlines in their place.



Justin: Nope.

Griffin: Uh, actually, you seem to be fine. I mean [beat] fine-ish.

Travis: I’m all right.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re all right. [audience boos at the pun] Oh, all right, all right. Uh, after the chest—

Travis: Wait. Let it.

Justin: Yeah, it’s a real thinker.

Clint: They’re done, they’re done.

Griffin: After slamming down on your hand that way, the chest lid lifts open and the trap is disarmed. Oh! [pun-based laughter]

Travis: I spend the whole rest of this period just looking at Merle going ‘ehh? eh??’.

Clint: So now there’s an arm in it.

Griffin: Yes. And… maybe other stuff.

Travis: No, don’t reach in there!

Griffin: No, actually, the arm also turned into pixels and floated away. Yeah, it’s beautiful.

Travis: I’ll see you again at the crossroads! I stole that joke from Justin earlier.

Griffin: What do you do?

Justin: It’s just a Bone reference, it’s not really a joke.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s not really anything.

Travis: That’s fair. I go home.

Justin: Can you guys angle your mics? I’m just worried about plosives. That’s not a joke.

Griffin: That’s bad, that’s the opposite of doing it—

Justin: [crosstalk] No, not like that. Look how Daddy’s doing it, look how Daddy Justin’s doing it. Not Daddy Daddy— Papa Justin. No, look, [high-pitched] fucking look! There we go. Yeah. Mic at the mouth, not mouth at the mic, we gotta— how’s this been, this past thirty seconds, pretty good? [Griffin cackles, audience cheers]

Justin: Normally, this is the stuff we edit out, but you’re not gonna leave, so I just have to say it in front of you.

Travis: If everybody could just plug their ears for a second while Justin coaches me through good audio recording?

Justin: Hey Dad, if you want to get crazy and do the same thing I just made Travis do, go for it.

Clint: I have been in the radio business for forty-five years—

Griffin: Okay, the chest— the chest trap is disarmed. You have the devil’s mouth and the mist door.

Justin: Does the Chance Lance break, or is it just stuck in there?

{00:18:11}

Griffin: As it enters into that inky blackness, It’s not like throwing it down a hole where you can see it drop a little bit and then disappear, as soon as it goes— [crosstalk] like crosses,

Justin: [crosstalk] It’s just nothing?

Griffin: It’s just nothingness.

Justin: Ok.

Griffin: Uh, yeah. Chest trap’s disarmed. Mist door, devil mouth.



Justin: Is there any exit from this room?

Griffin: I mean the entrance where you came in.

Justin: Well that’s [inaudible]

Travis: And the mist door…

Justin: And the mist door.

Griffin: And the mist door, yeah.

Justin: So what’s the— tell me about the mist door.

Griffin: Well, I’ll tell you all about the mist door, Justin. “The stone archway before you is filled with a veil of thick vapors” [crosstalk] The stones—

Justin: [crosstalk] Hell yeah.

Griffin: Uh, the left stone of the door is glowing yellow. Uh, the right one is orange and the top one is blue.

Justin: Left yellow, top—

Griffin: Top blue. Right orange. [yelling] This is such a shitty puzzle! I don’t know why they put this in the game!

Justin: Ok, I don’t want to get technical, but you put it in the game this time.

Griffin: S’true. [Audience laughter]

Clint: And to get even more technical, you plagiarized it from something else.

Griffin: That is also true.

Justin: Ok, so… all- do the, do the tiles have any give if I push them? Are they buttons?

Griffin: Yes, they click in and they make a pleasant chime. What did you push in?

Justin: Uh… [Audience laughter]

Justin: Nothing, I just asked a question [crosstalk] if they do that.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ok well there’s no way you can discern that information without doing it. So I— forget what I just said. [crosstalk] Eternal Sunshine.

Travis: [crosstalk] You did, ten minutes ago, let him echolocate. So you’re drawing a fairly fine line now!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, that’s true.

Justin: Uh, I’m going to cast “True Seeing.”

Griffin: Ok.

Justin: This gives me the ability to see things as they actually are. Which in this case is the solution to the puzzle. [Audience laughter] I just wanna see what it actually is.

Griffin: Um. You can tell because you can see through the facade of this door the order that these buttons are supposed to be pressed are yellow, blue, and orange.

Justin: [taking notes] Yellow, Blue, Orange. Ok I do that.

Griffin: Ok, yeah. The mists disappear.

Justin: [sings Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare] Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-dun-duh-duh! Thank you magic powers!

Griffin: You hear— You hear Lucas say,



Travis: How were you supposed to figure that out? What was the— [crosstalk] Ok.



[Audience laughter]

Travis: So when— when, uh... [crosstalk]

Clint: [crosstalk] We were. [Griffin and audience laughs]

Justin: He says as he drinks his Diet Coke from a Tervis tumbler.

Clint: It’s a Doctor Who Tervis tumbler!

Travis: Ah, that’s way better.

Clint: Doctor Who on BBC America

Justin: [crosstalk] Fuckin- fuckin’ Moon Dog. Just keep rollin’!

Griffin: Uh, after you clear the archway of mist and start passing through it, another pe— message pops up in the chat from username Bluntlord420. Uh, who says:



Griffin: And then another message from Bluntlord420 who says:



Travis: Yeah. [Audience cheering]

Griffin: You movin’ on?

Justin: Yeah we’ll go through that door.

Griffin: Ok, yeah you uh all go through that door and the three of you work your way through a claustrophobic corridor and enter a small dark room. And as you do, you hear the entrance you just passed through shut behind you. And as you turn around, you notice that the entrance has disappeared completely.

Immediately, torches mounted on the wall spark to life revealing the contents of this chamber. Three large chests are affixed firmly to the floor. The western one is gold plate covering Iron. I don’t know why they included that, like you’re just gonna fuckin’ steal the chest and be like “Nice try!”. Uuuuh. I’ve got a chest of gold now. Uh, this center one is silver plate over iron and the eastern one is of, uh, is oak bound with uh bronze. It’s oak bound with thick bronze bands. Each is—

Travis: Is this your first time reading this?

Griffin: Yes. Each is about four feet long, two feet wide, and three feet high. And as you enter this room a username Dragonzord, who is Carey, chats and says uh— she chats and says:



Griffin: There’s no response.

Travis: Damnit!

Justin: Classic.

Travis: Wait! I know this one! I know this one.

Griffin: Gold, silver, and oak chests. What do you do?

Travis: The oak is the chest of a carpenter! [Audience applause]

Justin: Yeah. I, I crawl on my knees to that one, the penitent man shall pass. Penitent uh… man shall pass. Fuckin’ Last Crusade? Are we not doing Last Crusade?

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, no we’re doing Last Crusade.

Travis: [crosstalk] Is that not the joke that we’re doing?

Justin: What’s the fuckin’ sh—  cuz I’m better at Last Crusade than you all? I get punished by not laughing at me? Seems kinda shitty.

Travis: Wait, try it again. Take two. [crosstalk] We’ll edit that.

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah. yeah-yeah-yeah. Penitent man shall pass, right? [Travis, Justin, Clint, and audience give hearty fake laughter.]

Clint: Wait a minute. Do that Police Squad freeze frame.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Um….ok, well I did— cool.


 * Taako & Magnus: Merle?
 * Taako & Magnus: Merle?
 * Taako & Magnus: Merle?
 * Taako & Magnus: Merle?

[Audience laughter]

Clint: I’ve been saving this spell since we started playing this game three and a half years ago.

Travis: Translation, he didn’t know he had it.

Griffin: You literally just found it in your deck.

Clint: I cast Hero’s Feast! [Audience laughter]

Travis: [crosstalk] And we all sit down to a nice dinner before we go on!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Do you remember— no no no. Do you remember the conversation where we had, literally right backstage, we were like “Let’s just keep a nice pace movin’, just chew through the adventure.” and you’re like “a b— bountiful bouquet of meats and breads!”

Clint: You bring forth a great feast including magnificent food and drink. It takes an hour to consume. [Audience applause]

Justin: Why?

Travis: And we’re gonna do it in real time!

Justin: Why?

Travis: Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!

Justin: Why?

Clint: The creature that partakes of the feast gains several benefits!

Justin: Speed—

Travis: Health insurance! Dental!

Clint: It makes all wisdom saving throws with advantage and hit points of all creatures maximum increases by 2d-freakin’-10! [audience cheers]

Justin: Stop. Stop. Stop. You’re embarrassing yourselves. Stop it. One, we don’t have hit points, that was nothing. To start with, there’s no hit points, remember, just the hearts.

Clint: Oh. Shit.

Justin: So that’s nothing. That part was nothing. And I guess wisdom sa— I mean

Travis: This is a delicious sandwich— my arm’s back!

Justin: Can we translate that hitpoint game to hearts? For him?

Griffin: Yeah, all of you have on extra heart. You’re up to four. I’ll give you that. And you have advantage on wisdom saving throws. Maybe, uh, the chests would be cool to—

Travis: Wait, we’re not done eating.

Justin: Everyone sit in silence.

Clint: You know, the whole “keep the pace movin’” thing you asked us about.

Travis: Ok. Gold, silver—

Griffin: [exasperated yelling] OPEN A FUCKING CHEST! OPEN ONE!

Travis: You know what, I’m already injured, so I, I’ll do it. I open the oak chest.

Griffin: You just—

Travis: Nope!

Justin: Wait. [Laughter]

Griffin: When the lid of the oak chest is opened, a large humanoid creature with the head and wings of a bat. Or, if you will, a bat-man. Uh, will be instantly teleported into the room and it strikes with surprise. Magnus!

Travis: [with trepidation] Yes?

Griffin: Uh, does 22 hit your AC?

Travis: [pause] …Little bit.

Griffin: Yeah…

Travis: …Little bit it does.

Griffin: The bat-man swipes a jagged claw through Magnus and as he does, [crosstalk] Mag— uh.

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m gonna use Parry.

Justin: He chose [crosstalk]… poorly.

Travis: [crosstalk] They could use… [audience laughter]

Justin: That’s another ‘Last Crusade’ for you guys.

Travis: Um

Griffin: There is, there is— Parry just reduces damage. It’s not gonna [crosstalk]— You only—

Travis: [crosstalk] Yes. And I use… crying.

Griffin: Yeah. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: This bat-man rakes a claw through Magnus and as he does Magnus explodes into pixels.



Griffin: And you see that counter in the corner turn to the number four.

Travis: Shit.

Griffin: Uh, Magnus very quickly though, you appear back at— where the entrance to this room was.



Griffin: Uh, I’m not gonna make you all roll initiative because we’ll do that for a different thing, but uhhh what do you do about this bat-man who’s now in the room.



Griffin: After one of you does something, the bat-man will also do something.

Justin: Uh, I’ll cast fireball at the bat to kill it.

Griffin: Ok. Uh, does that—

Travis: Wait! Maybe he’s friendly— wait, no he did just kill me.

Justin: Yeah, he just killed you.

Griffin: Yeah, no you could talk to it [crosstalk] Maybe you just—

Clint: [crosstalk] The bat that eviscerated you might be our friend.

Travis: [crosstalk] Bat-man!

Griffin: The bat-man says [beast noises] [laughter]

Griffin: And then he points to buffet and he says:



Clint: [crosstalk] God, I hope nobody just walked in.

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m sorry, what?... Which chest?



Travis: This is the best thing I’ve ever done with my life.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Talk to my brother, as a bat-man, about bananas.

Griffin: By the way, I’m gonna be the new Batman after Ben Affleck leaves, and it’s gonna be this voice. [Audience cheers]



Clint: It was a little—

Justin: It would still be better than Christian Bale.

Griffin: Uh, what—

Justin: Is he here tonight? I’m sorry—

Griffin: Probably not. [Audience laughter]

Griffin: [crosstalk] uh, what—

Clint: [crosstalk] We’re fans, Chris.

Justin: I cast a Fireball at your dumb bat.

Griffin: Ok, I make a dexterity saving throw.

Justin: Sure.

Griffin: You have the card, right? I rolled a three, so there’s nothing I’m gonna add to that that’s gonna be sufficient.

Justin: Uh. Sorry what?

Griffin: I fucked uuup?

Justin: Ok. [Audience Laughter]

Griffin: [crosstalk] Hurt the bat with fire now.

Justin: [crosstalk] So, you’re gonna 8d6.

Griffin: Jesus Christ. Just roll one and times eight! We’re on rain pace.

Justin: Do what?

Griffin: Just roll 1d8, or whatever, d6 and we’ll multiply it by 8.

Travis: [softly] that’s a 6

Justin: That’s a 6, ok.

Griffin: Jesus Christ. [Audience cheers]



Justin: 48.

Griffin: No, I can fuckin multiply six times eight. Uh, the bat sees the fireball coming at it and just nervously reaches over and grabs an apple and [monster noises] and then explodes as the fireball hits it for 48 fucking points of damage.

Justin: Good.

Griffin: Uh, you killed bat-man.

Justin: I solved your bat puzzle.

Griffin: [laughs] yeah you killed bat-man. [Audience cheers]

Griffin: Inside the oak chest is nothing.

Travis: I get inside of the oak chest. I close it…[pause] No I don’t! That’s a joke.

Griffin: No, no. nothing happens. There’s nothing.

Travis: I get back out of the oak chest.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re embarrassed now.

Travis: I— but I do have fun like “Yeah!” when I come out.

Griffin: Silver chest and gold chest. What do you do?

Clint: Uuuuuhm.

Justin: Open one [crosstalk] coward.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Literally, It’s 50-50.



Justin: So, you’re saying that— wait, stop.

Clint: That was in a character voice!

Justin: Stop, stop.

Travis: So wait, hold on.

Justin: So wait, hold on. Hol— ok, so.

Travis: You, Merle, are looking at Taako and going, “I open—”

Justin: You say, out loud, to me, “I open the silver chest.”

Clint: Alright, I open the silver chest.

Justin: Alright, I look at you and say



Travis: And for a second, Magnus and Taako just look very concerned at Merle, like “Oh it’s happening.”

Justin: So concerned. Your twilight years have come. Sooner than we expected, it’s so sad. But hey, we had a good run. Ok, so—

Travis: We put him in an old dwarf’s home.

Griffin: Inside the silver chest is a clear crystal box worth 1000 gold pieces that holds a silver scepter.

Travis: There was a man-bat in mine!

Griffin: [Unsympathetic] Yeah.

Justin: Uh— I, I take the scepter—

Clint: Wait a minute. No no no no. uh uh

Justin: You did something, It’s my turn to do something.

Griffin: The scepter’s in the— the crystal box has the scepter in it and it’s inside the chest. You just get the whole thing out—

Travis: Y’all, this is Tomb of Horrors, it’s not just like, “Here’s an awesome scepter.”

Justin: Yeah, I pick it up and I smash it on the ground.

Griffin: Uh, when the box is lifted from the supposed bottom of the chest, eight darts will fire upward and the one or two characters leaning over the chest, so as to be exposed in the line of fire, will take, uh, hurts. Hurting damage. Uh, you take three hearts worth of damage. It’s good that Merle boosted you up like that, as a bevy, a salvo of darts are flung into your face and chest.

Justin: Happens.

Travis: I open…the other chest that’s still closed.

Griffin: Oh, great!

Travis: Wait, [crosstalk]

Clint: [crosstalk] Wait, did I get the scepter?

Griffin: Uh, did you— what did you do with the crystal chest after you lifted it out and got hit by a bunch of darts? Taako.

Justin: I, well… I smashed it on the ground is what I said.

Griffin: Ok, it’s no longer worth 1000 gold pieces, but you get the silver scepter from out of the chest and as you smash it and claim the scepter, a wooden, arched doorway suddenly appears in a puff of smoke at the end of the room.

Travis: I stop just before opening the other chest.



Griffin: Uh, you move through that doorway?

Travis: Yes!

Justin: Sure.

Clint: Yes!

Griffin: As you pass through that doorway the three of you are moving down another long hallway lined with torches.

Travis: [crosstalk] Is it nice?

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh good.

Griffin:Uh, I mean it’s the fucking Tomb of Horrors, [crosstalk] man. There’s nothing that’s super nice in here.

Travis: [Crosstalk] But like, but like is it nice?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s a nice horror tomb...

Travis: I’m saying, there can be traps and there can be danger, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be nice tapestries.

Griffin: Well, it’s weird that you say that, Travis. Uh, as you’re moving down this— [crosstalk] Torch-lined hallway,

Travis:[crosstalk] Is it?

Clint: [crosstalk] Apparently not!

Griffin: Uh, you start to see something odd. The flam on the torches freeze suddenly in place and the cobblestones that comprise the walls and the floor— they start to flicker almost like they’re glitching out.



Griffin: Uh, they do, yeah.



Griffin: And after—



Travis: Not me, Magnus did. [crosstalk] Magnus did.

Griffin:[crosstalk] Magnus did. Magnus is a certified party boy and that’s all there is to it.

Travis: Well, he’s been spending a lot of time at Joshua Tree, just really getting centered.

Griffin: With ecstasy?

Travis: Yeah, it’s fucked up!

Griffin: I feel really centered right now! [mimes waving glowsticks] [laughter]

Griffin: These were glow sticks— y’all saw the glow sticks in my— ok. Uh, this entire place is glitching out around you, and after a few seconds, the hallway disappears completely and you’re standing in just an empty black void and you hear Lucas’ voice only it’s super distorted and he’s saying



Clint: What happened to the distortion?

Griffin: Well I… wanted them to hear me. Get off my jock. Um, suddenly the three of you are standing on a small fishing boat.

Travis: Aw, nice.

Griffin: In the middle of a large lake. And you’re— you’re outside and it’s a beautiful sunny day.

Travis: Finally my dad’s taking me fishing!

Griffin: And as you get your bearings on this boat, some words appear in front of all of you in these bright block letters. And they read: Big Bass Challenge!

Travis: Yay! [Audience cheers]

Griffin: And as those words appear, some bright, poppy music starts playing. And uh, in the back of the boat there’s a bearded man in a big floppy hat on the boat with you and he’s drinking drinking something out of a big jug and he says:



[pause]



[Audience cheers]

Justin: I’m all about that bass. [Audience cheers]

Clint: I love fishin’. [Audience laughter]

Justin: Got ‘em.

Clint: I don’t— I didn’t get the other two references.

Griffin: He says:



Travis: I kill Rascal. [laughter]

Clint: Yeah…yeah pretty much.

Travis: I just wanna take away any joy Griffin has.

Justin: Travis punches him in the head and he’s full of piñata candy. Nobody saw this coming.

Griffin: [sounding dejected] Go ahead and roll…

Travis: He said we had to keep a fast pace!

Griffin: [pouting] ...go ahead and roll a d20...

Justin: Wait, why are you?— this is so outta—

Travis: It’s a 16 plus 9! Sorry, plus 10. 26.

Justin: [crosstalk] Wait, this is very out of character, I don’t believe that you would kill Rascal. That doesn’t make sense to me.

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: I feel like that’s the—

Travis: [sarcastically] Thanks, Reddit! [Griffin cackles, audience cheers]

Justin: [laughing] Oh, shit.

Griffin: You, uh— what do you attack him with? Railsplitter?

Travis: No, I just kinda, whooa—

Griffin: No, you fuckin’ attack Rascal—

Travis: I punch him. I punch him with Phantom Fist. [crosstalk] And I just push him out of the boat.

Griffin: [crosstalk] You punch him with Phantom Fist and—

Travis: I’m just pushing him out of the boat.

Griffin: He flies backwards off the boat, and he says:

Clint: ...What does he say, Griffin?

Justin: Yeah, what’s he say? Tell me what he says!

Griffin: H— he says— [more laughing]



Griffin: And a— a big— a big, big bass jumps out of the water and eats him in midair. [audience applause] And now, Rascal’s dead.

Justin: Cosplay that!

Griffin: As Rascal is killed, a fishing rod and tackle box appear where he was sitting; it’s the loot he dropped. And as those items appear, some words appear on your, like, interface, that read ‘Catch a Big Bass to Proceed!’

Justin: Hey— speaking of Reddit, I think no one can really accuse Griffin of railroading us anymore, since we just killed his whole thing. We killed his guy. All right. Um, I’m going to—

Travis: I’m going to use Animal Handling.

Clint: To order fish to jump onto your hook?

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, I’m gonna do the Ernie[?]. No, let Justin do what he’s gonna do if that’s an actual thing that might help the story.

Justin: Do I see the big basses in there?

Griffin: You can see several, like, shadows under the water, and one of them is quite large. And it is the one who just killed…my favourite person.

Travis: I appreciate you for acknowledging I didn’t kill Rascal, the bass did.

Justin: Okay. Well, uh, I’m gonna center on the place where I see that fish, and all of his other fish friends, and I’m gonna cast Reverse Gravity. [audience laughter]

Griffin: I will need the description on that one if you’ve got it.

Justin: It reverses gravity in a 50-foot radius, 100-foot high cylinder, centred on a point within range. All creatures and objects that aren’t somehow anchored to the ground in the area fall upward and reach the top of the area when you cast this spell. A creature can make a dexterity saving throw to grab on to a fixed object it can reach. Good luck, it’s a lake. If some solid object such as a ceiling is encountered, bla bla bla, there’s no ceiling… um… it will remain oscillating there for the duration at the top.

Griffin: Okay. A cylinder of water levitates out of the lake, several feet in front of the… stern of the boat? Which side’s the front?

Clint: Uh, the left. [at least 5 separate audience members yell ‘Bow’]

Travis: Bow.

Griffin: The bow.

Clint: The bow. Yeah.

Griffin: I get them confused. Okay, the fucking front of the boat.

Travis: [crosstalk] Thank you.

Griffin: [crosstalk] I don’t know why I had to get nautical on it—

Clint: The sternum is the other side.

Griffin: A fifty-foot cylinder of water raises up out of the water, and inside that you can see several small shapes still floating around, but one of them is clearly the Big Bass. That killed my best friend, Rascal.

Travis: Wracked with guilt, uh—

Justin: All right, Taako lays back in the boat and says:



Travis: Wracked with guilt, I am going, um—

Griffin: Rascal was very evil. I’ll just say it now. He had a whole turn at the end where it turned out, like… this is also the finale of the Adventure Zone, and he was gonna be the big bad guy at the end of it…

Clint: [disappointed] Awww.

Travis: With my rapier,

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I am going to leap at the fish and swim over to it.

Griffin: Okay?

Travis: And I am going to cut it open and save Rascal. [audience cheers]

Griffin: [exasperated yelling] You can’t just say shit!

Travis: You let Justin echolocate! Let me save Rascal! This’ll be good for both of us.

Justin: You can see how that would give Travis an unclear view of his abilities. You did let me echolocate.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you jump into this fifty-foot column of water. Can Magnus—

Travis: And I also do want to point out, this is not OOC. Everything I just said to you Magnus did say out loud.



Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah. Roll— roll Athletics? To, like, represent your ability to jump into a column of water and swim to locate a fish. Like, if it’s low, I think you can’t even open your eyes super-good underwater.

Travis: It’s a 13 total.

Griffin: Uh, all right, yeah, I think you can kinda get a bead on where this fish is, but you’re gonna have disadvantage on an attack.

Travis: That’s fine.

Griffin: —‘cause you’re fucking underwater trying to cut it open with a rapier— none of that is intended, like none of that’s how any of that’s supposed to—

Travis: I’m gonna attack it.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: It’s a 16, plus 10, 26.

Griffin: And that disadvantage?

Travis: Oh, that’s a 3, plus 10. And then, uh, I am going to, uh…

Justin: Usually you say Action Surge.

Griffin: If the end of this sentence isn’t ‘be devoured by a large bass,’ then you’re lying to everybody here.

Travis: I’m gonna use Precision Strike.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: To add to an attack roll.

Griffin: All right.

Travis: Um, that’s a d8…

Griffin: A d8? Fuck.

Travis: Nope, sorry, d10. ‘Scuse me.

Griffin: Jesus, no, that’s worse.

Travis: That’s an 8.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Plus, uh, so 21 was the final roll.

Griffin: Okay, uh, yeah, roll damage. That’s a hit on a fish. [applause] That’s a fish hit. As Magnus stabs his rapier through this fish, all of you see the words “FISH ON!” appear on your screen. And the music changes, all of a sudden it’s like, really poppy and upbeat now.

Travis: I cut the fish open.

Griffin: You c— roll damage! You don’t just cut a fuckin’ fish open! [audience laughter] ‘I stabbed a dragon with a stick and it explodes!’

Travis: It’s... it’s 7. Aw man, I should’ve used the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Griffin: [laughing] Yeah, but you didn’t. All right, you—

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh wait, I don’t have that yet canonically.

Griffin: You hurt the fish, and as you stab the fish, you see one heart float up and away from it and disappear.

Travis: I stab it again, I get a second attack.

Griffin: Alright. Still disadvantage.

Travis: That’s a 17.

Griffin: He really does roll like this.

Travis: That’s— a 9. 9 plus 10, 19

Griffin: Yep. That’s a hit. Roll damage again.

Clint: Cut it open

Travis: 2 plus 4. 6.

Griffin: Ok another heart floats up and away from this fish. It looks pretty bad off.

Travis: Ok. I’m gonna use my third attack.

Griffin: Well, let’s— [Audience laughter]

Travis: It’s a 19. [rolls dice again] That’s a 1. [Audience laughter]

Clint: Travis McElroy has rolled a 1.

Justin: You were here. Can you imagine? You were in the room: the room where it happened. [Audience cheers]

Travis: Wait, wait, wait. I think I have something for this.

Griffin: Ok, is it.

Clint: Somebody take a picture of this.

Griffin: You don’t. [crosstalk] You are—

Clint: [crosstalk] Good.

Travis:I thought that— isn’t that what the Gambler’s Luck does?

Griffin: Not today friend.

Travis: Ok.

Griffin: The fish, you stab it and it goes like “euuuwhuh” and you stab it again and it’s like “hoohoowlhuh” And then you try to stab it a third time but your rapier kind of bends off its scales and the fish goes, [smugly] “b-h-hooolwlhuh”

Justin: Oh he likes that doesn’t he?

Griffin: Yeah, he likes that. He’s a dirty fuckin’ fish.

Justin: [crosstalk] Nasty. Nasty fish.

Griffin: Uh, It turns and swallows you whole. Make a constit— No it’s not one of those things! [Audience cheers at vore]

Griffin: Bunch’a... my fucking dad is here! He’s here and on stage! Don’t expose him to this! Make a constitution saving throw.

Clint: Only his fuckin’ dad can make jokes like that!

Travis: Uh, It’s an eleven total but I’m going to use— This I do have, Indomitable, [crosstalk] to roll that again.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ok. Yeah roll it again.

Clint: Can Justin and I play?

Travis: That’s a 4!

Griffin: Ok yeah, you take—

Travis: [interrupting Griffin with high pitched noise] 4 plus 8, it’s a 12.

Griffin: You take two hearts of damage, how are you doin’?

Travis: Doin’ ok!

Griffin: ok.

Travis: I just died, so—

Griffin: And inside, you fuckin’ like— You’re being eaten by a bass and it’s horrible and uh—

Travis: Do I see Rascal?

Griffin: You fuckin’ eventually just see, like, Rascal like poking out of its side and it’s been half sort of like added to the form of the fish, Akira-style. And it’s— and he says:



Griffin: As you are— Taako and Merle. What do you do? Fish in a floating cylinder of water, [crosstalk] somewhat hurt. You’re in a boat.

Justin: [crosstalk] I— I feel— honestly I feel pretty good right now. I’m kicking it. I made the column fly, that was great.

Griffin: Merle then.

Clint: I cast Banishment.

Travis: I’m in it! You asshole!

Griffin: Ok.

Justin: He’s in the fish.

Clint: Remember? Remember this? [waves wooden arm]

Travis: I saved your damn life.

Griffin: Ok, uh…

Clint: You have to— the fish has to make [crosstalk] A charisma saving throw, and—

Griffin: [crosstalk] A wisdom saving throw?... Charisma? I didn’t give the fish a fucking charisma stat, Clint!

Clint: A fish has fins, so it can’t make a throw.

Griffin: That’s a critical failure, that’s an actual 1. [Audience cheering]

Griffin: Uh— [laughs]



Clint: I sent it to another plane of existence.

Griffin: Yeah I know what you fuckin’ do to it. Magnus you feel yourself being whisked away to another dimension, I guess? And you see this fish, like also disappearing and you see fucking Rascal inside the fish-guts wall just like:



Griffin: Uh, and you are all disappeared, and as you disappear the lives counter drops down to three and then the Tool Tip pops up again [crosstalk] and it says, “Catch a big bass to proceed.”

Justin: [Crosstalk] Wait, not necess—

Griffin: And then that Tool Tip, because you fuckin’ like…

Justin: No wait, I got—

Griffin: —Bethesda-broken the fucking game, [Audience laughter] starts to glitch out.

Justin: Where does— Where does Banishment send them?

Clint: Um… I guess I get to choose the plane of existence.

Griffin: I think in this situation, because you’re in a virtual reality simulation, the game doesn’t know how to reconcile this and so the entire environment around you just kinda like glitches out because you fucked up the game and broke it so badly.

Clint: So I won?

Griffin: …You’re back in that sort of black space again and Magnus reforms next to you and then all of a sudden there’s—

Travis: Seems familiar.

Griffin: You all are back in that hallway that you were just walking through that froze up. [close to the mic, defeated] I didn’t expect it to go like that… [Audience laughter]

Travis: What did you expect to happen?

Griffin: You to catch a FUCKING FISH IN THE FISH MINIGAME! [Audience cheering] IS THAT SO— AM I OUT OF MY MIND? IS THAT AN UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION? To give them a fucking fishing minigame. Taako makes the f— the lake float, Travis jumps in with a rapier like “Let’s get it done!”, and then dad makes the fuckin’ shit teleport away!

Clint: Welcome… Welcome to the Adventure Zone, Griffin! [Audience cheering, Justin giggles with glee]

Griffin: As you come back, the chat, people are just spamming in it, and they’re just saying ‘fish boiiiiiiiiiiis!!!!!’, and, uh, Lucas says



Travis: Wait, hold on, are we streaming this on Twitch?

Griffin: He says



Griffin: And then there’s a pause, and then the three of you feel something... unpleasant. Not here, in the virtual world. You don’t take any damage or anything like that, but you feel your bodies experiencing pain; almost like you’re experiencing a powerful electric shot— uh, shock, rather.

[giggly] I’ve drank almost this whole bottle of wine tonight. And then, uh, as you experience this shock, the chat updates again, and this time it’s with a message from the demi-lich Acererak, who says



Travis: Does he say it in [high pitched] that voice?

Griffin: Uh, it’s chat, so it doesn’t say it in any voice. [clears throat] And then as, uh, this lich comments in the thread, the chat is flooded with messages from everyone, all saying in unison:



Travis: Lol!

Griffin: And I think right there we’re gonna take an intermission real quick so we can all run to the bathroom and so you all can run to the bathroom! We’ll be right back in 10 minutes to finish! The adventure! [audience cheering] [Theme song plays]

{48:18} [ad break]

[Theme song plays]

[audience cheering]

Griffin: No, no, no, no! [more cheering]

Griffin: No, we don’t, we don’t get to do that twice. Uh, this is our first time taki— no, oh Justin’s filming I guess...

Justin: In case my children and grandchildren are watching this in the future, this is intermission. [crosstalk] They cheered way more, they cheered way more in the intro. The first time we came out, they went bananas. I didn’t film that, sweetie.

Travis: [crosstalk] Is that 4K???

Griffin: We’ve never—

Travis: Could you all say— [audience cheering]

Travis: Here— I, [crosstalk] here’s what I want everyone to say—

Justin: [crosstalk] It was just like that. [more cheering]

Justin: Ok. And then they— and then they, then they stopped so we could finish the show—

Travis: I’m gonna count down 3-2-1, and after I say 1, I want everyone in unison to say ‘Hi Charlie!’

Griffin: [crosstalk] Awwww.

Travis: [crosstalk] Are you ready?

Justin: Who’s Charlie?

Travis: Ok, you ready? Three! [singing] ‘and the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon’...Three! Two! One! [audience: “Hi Charlie!”]

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: That was very good. We’ve never—

Travis: I would do it for my daughter, but she doesn’t care about y’all.

Griffin: We’ve never— [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Because she’s a jock!

Griffin: Oh please let me say this sentence. We’ve never taken an intermission before on this show, and, like, an hour before the show we were like, ‘what if we peed during an intermission?’ Instead of spending the last 30 minutes of the podcast like ‘go go go go go! Kill ‘em, kill ‘em, do it!’.

Clint: Then they killed a guy! Then they rolled some dice! The end! Thank you!

Travis: Ok bye!!

Griffin: Yeah yeah. During the Austin show all four of us had to pee so bad that Travis would miss on an attack and we’d be like “NOOO!” Okay, let’s get back into it. The three of you hear Lucas say,



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He says,



Travis: What I want right now is, to picture this, whatever the UI, whatever the HUD is, Magnus just slowly pointing at the life times 3, like,

Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He says,



And then—



Griffin: Uh, he says—



Griffin: And then the (laughing) the words— fuckin’— “Game Genie detected!” appears and then the UI statics out and he’s like



Travis: The Game Djinn!

Griffin: The what?

Travis: Game Djinn! It’s what— ‘Cause in D&D there’s djinns... [applause] No, it’s too late! You had your chance!

Justin: [to audience] You behaved appropriately.

Griffin: As he tries to use the Game Genie, killerkillian pops up in the chat and she’s like



Clint: What the hell are you people talking about?

Travis: (shouting) It’s called video games, old man!

Justin: Yeah, get with the times!

Clint: In my day—

Justin: They’re not just Pac-Man anymore.

Travis: Actually I would like to hear about back in dad’s day. Can we take a brief—?

Clint: We didn’t “lol”. (laughter)

Griffin: The three of you enter into a long chamber, about 10 feet wide, and you’re standing on a landing. Oh, that’s fun! You’re standing on a landing over a 10-foot-deep pit—

Travis: Oh, you really got dad with that one. [Clint’s laughter/coughing] He’s just never seen you have fun before.

Griffin: Um, this bottle of wine was just in our green room.

Travis: (laughing) Not anymore!

Griffin: It’s empty— Um, the three of you enter into a long chamber— I did that part. The 10-foot-deep pit with a cobblestone floor— This pit stretches about 50 feet before ending with another landing about 10 feet up, on the far end of the room, and atop that landing you can see an exit to this chamber with torches on either side. Basically, you are standing in front of a 10 foot deep, 50 foot long pit with a cobblestone floor, and across the 50 foot span you can see a landing on the other side with an exit to this chamber, [singsong] what do youuu dooo?

Travis: I hand Taako the end of my rope, and I say



Travis: And then I use my grappling hook to get to the landing.

Griffin: Ok. Ok, ok. Ok. You’re gonna throw your grappling hook 50 feet?

Travis: No, my grappling hook shoots [crosstalk], it doesn’t throw.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh that’s right, that’s right, I forgot you had some Darkwing Duck shit.

Travis: Yeahhh.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, fuck it, alright. Uh... make a ranged attack roll, roll a D20. Straight up, no bonuses.

Travis: [muted] I don’t think I have to, I think my grappling hook—

Griffin: [slightly exasperated] Yeah, but go ahead and roll a D20….

Travis: That’s a 8.

Griffin: [beat] Nooooooooo. [audience laughter]

Travis: Tha— wha— now hold on! That’s like having a sword that I have to roll to see if it stays a sword! The grappling hook just does it, what do you mean— [growls at Griffin]

Griffin: [slightly mocking] You— You tried it? And everyone heard you try it, and they’re very impressed with you trying it, but it didn’t wooork. [audience cheers]

Clint: Don’t patronize him.

Griffin: If it makes you feel any better, if you had succeeded I would’ve made, like, a fuckin’ lion appear and eat the rope or something.

Travis: [crosstalk] You’re a wiener!

Justin: [crosstalk] So, the pit is below us? Is that right?

Griffin: That’s how pits usually work, yeah. [Clint/audience laughter]

Justin: I thought we were in the pit alrea— Nevermind.

Griffin: No no no, it’s below you.

Travis: So, 50-foot wide.

Griffin: Yeah, 50-foot... long.

Travis: Landing on the other side.

Griffin: Yep.

Travis: Is there anything on the ceiling, anything hanging from the ceiling, any—

Griffin: No.

Clint: They’re just cobblestone?

Griffin: It’s not a fuckin’ Ninja Warrior, like—

Travis: So—

Griffin: Although, hold on— [chuckles] [taking notes] next… live… show… Ninja… Warrior… thoughts?

Travis: So… it’s just a big open—

Griffin: Yeah it’s just a 50-foot long pit. [slightly mocking] Boy, you boys are real spooked by the Tomb of Horrors, huh?!

Clint: [crosstalk] Ok, wait a minute, wait a minute—

Travis: [crosstalk] Wait wait wait. I know this one.

Clint: Oh?

Travis: It’s... Leap of Faith.

Griffin: [audibly smiling] Ok. [audience laughter]

Clint: Uh, we’ve already done one [crosstalk] Indiana Jones joke—

Travis: [crosstalk] Now—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Please! Please Christ please follow that— that thread!

Travis: No, we only have three lives left, I’m not doing that joke.

Griffin: [beat][softly] Please do the joke?

Travis: No!

Griffin: [slightly whiny] Traaaaviiiiissssss—

Clint: [crosstalk] Come on Travie, do the joke—

Travis: [crosstalk] Wha—

Griffin: [crosstalk][whinier] Traaaaviiiiiiiissssss—

Travis: [crosstalk] If I do it—

Clint: [chanting] Joke! Joke! Joke! Joke!

Travis: If I do it, will you give me the life back?

Griffin: Uh, I won’t kill you. [audience laughter, Travis giggles]

Travis: Alright, fuck it. I go running at the pit.

Griffin: Alright. You just jump right in?

Travis: [audibly shrugging] Yeah.

Griffin: Alright. Uh, rollllll… Acrobatics. Let’s see if you land on your feet.

Travis: I have a pretty good Acrobatics… [dice hits table] 18 plus... 8, 26, [crosstalk] no sorry— 18 plus 9, 27.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah you land— You land all cool at the bottom of the pit and it’s fine.



Justin: Ok I— I go down in the pit too.

Griffin: Alright, it’s cool.

Travis: Wait! Make him roll!

Griffin: Did you just climb down or what are you doing?

Travis: [crosstalk] No, I catch him, he’s fine.

Justin: [crosstalk] I— I, uh, expand the Umbrastaff and use Feather Fall.

Griffin: Yeah yeah yeah he Feather-Falls, that’s cool. [crosstalk] Merle?

Clint: [crosstalk] Ok— Merle jumps...so that Magnus will catch him.

Griffin: Uh...Magnus, roll...

Travis: A catching attack! [crosstalk] I choose you, Merle! [rolls dice] That’s a 16, I caught him!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah! Yeah, you caught him real good. Alright, uh, as, uh— [crosstalk]

Clint: [crosstalk] Will you rock me back and forth?

Travis: [crosstalk]  I used a Master Ball!

Griffin: Aw—

Clint: What?

Griffin: As you—

Clint: Wait, I have to know what he just said.

Travis: “I used a Master Ball” is a Pokémon [pronounced poké-MAN] reference.

Griffin: I’ve been trying to get you to fuckin’ play Pokémon my entire child, teen, and adult life.

Clint: That, and drink whiskey.

Griffin: Yeah. At the same time.

Travis: Those are two weird things to try to get your dad to do!

Griffin: Yeah. [crosstalk] Tell me about it.

Travis: [crosstalk] ‘I just wish my dad drank more!’

Griffin: As you step— As you catch Merle’s weight at the bottom of the pit, you hear a loud—

Travis: I don’t catch him.

Griffin: ‘Ka-chunk’— That’s not how this is— uh, you hear a loud ‘ka-chunk’ and you feel the floor of this pit drop down like, just a half-inch or so, but you all definitely feel the floor below you just, just [high-pitched] sooo slightly drop down. Nothing happens, but you feel it [very high-pitched] juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust [crosstalk] a little bit.

Travis: [crosstalk] I drop Merle.

Griffin: Ok, still fine.

Travis: [beat] I pick him up again. [audience laughter]

Travis: I drop him again!

Griffin: Still good, still great.

Travis: [to audience] This is science, people!

Griffin: Yeah. It’s super not how science and weight works, but ok. Uh, you are all on the cobblestone floor of this pit and you felt the floor drop below you. You have a 50-foot span forward. What do you do?

Justin: Uh, I cast… [various thinking noises, all laugh]

Clint: 50-foot [crosstalk] jump—

Travis: [crosstalk] Hero’s Feast!

Justin: How much did it— Yeah, right— Um, I’m just gonna start walking forward.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s fine.

Justin: Yeah I’m walking forward.

Griffin: Cool.

Travis: I’m going to start walking forward.

Griffin: You DIE! [audience laughter]

Travis: Noooo!

Griffin: [laughs] No, you’re fine. Yeah, you’re all fine, you all can walk to the end of this pit to where the landing is.

Travis: Hey Griffin, this is a real shitty trap. Um— [audience laughter because Griffin smiled]

Clint: [sarcastic] Oh, good. Thank you Travie.

Travis: I like to give ‘em a little somethin’, you know.

Clint: [sarcastic] Yeah.

Justin: Uh… I climb up to the landing.

Griffin: Ok, roll a, uh, Athletics check Taako.

Justin: That’s… [muttered] probably Dexterity.

Griffin: [beat] Probably Athletics, or Acrobatics if you wanna like, you know, acrobatically move [crosstalk] up, but use those two.

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, use Acrobatics, that’s good.

Clint: Sweet Flips. [audience cheers]

Justin: No, I’m— No, that’s— You’re just— That’s pandering. A 3, 8, no I got nothing. That’s three rolls in a row that would’ve failed. [audience laughter]

Justin: I was gonna go with the first one, but I’m just saying it would’ve—

Griffin: Uh, all three of you—

Travis: Do you wanna try my loaded dice?

Griffin: All three of you make a Dexterity saving throw.

Justin: Son of a bitch.

Travis: Wait, what?

Griffin: Yeahhhh…

Justin: Now that’s a 16 for Hoops.

Travis: Ooooooh… mine is— Dex saving throw? 15.

Clint: [quietly] F— fourteen. Plus… [whispered] shit…

Travis: [away from mic] There, you’re there. Plus 1, plus 1. [back to mic] Plus 1.

Clint: Oh, plus one?

Griffin: For fif—

Travis: Fifteen.

Griffin: Ok, uh, Taako, as you kind of lift your weight up off the floor as you try to climb it, the floor pops back up into place, and as it does, uh, like a million spikes, uh, eject out of the left and right walls, and all three of you just happen to be in all the right places as the spikes just shoot out around you, and then retract back into the walls as you fall off the wall and put your pressure back down on the floor.

Travis: I do— I, I just wanna— I want everyone to picture this scene. We see Taako start to climb, and Merle and Magnus just step backwards, like [mimes being badass-chill]

Griffin: Oh no no, it’s the entire 50-foot span of the pit. You all are all—

Travis: But we don’t get hit!

Griffin: Yeah you don’t get hit by these spikes, it’s fuckin’ weird! Yeah!

Travis: Um… ok. [audience laughter] So… we live in the pit now. [Griffin & Clint laugh]

Griffin: What do you boys do? [beat] About the pit? [beat] It’s a bad pit!

Travis: Is— Can we see any kind of, uh—

Griffin: The back wall of the pit starts moving in forward towards you. [beat] Fuck you guys. [audience laughter] This is for— This is for Rascal! [Clint laughs]

Travis: [crosstalk] Um, I— What—

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s forty— It’s 40 feet away.

Travis: [crosstalk] What are the walls made out of?

Griffin: Uh, cobblestone. It’s 40 feet away.

Travis: Got it. I’m going to, uh, aim my axe at the [mumbled] breaks in the cobblestone [Griffin cackles][back to normal voice] and wedge it— I’m gonna wedge it in, in where the floor and the wall meet.

Griffin: Okay yeah yeah yeah, you can do that. If you do that, you’ll lose the axe.

Travis: That’s fine, I have the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword Of Doom.

Griffin: [beat] Ok.

Travis: I have that now, I didn’t before.

Griffin: Uh, rollllll—

Travis: Twenty!

Griffin: Oh oh ok, yeah that’s good. That’s the best number that there is. You use your, uh, you use the head of your axe to sort of wedge in—

Travis: It’s not real.

Griffin: Wedge in below the, uh— the, the wall and the floor, there’s a little gap there when you drop the floor down and you can get it in there and hold the floor down.

Travis: Ok, let’s climb out.

Griffin: Uh, the f— the back wall is now 30 feet away.

Travis: We’re climbing out.

Griffin: DO THE FUCKIN’ THINGS, THEN, WITH THE DICE!

Travis: Uh, what is that, Athletics?

Griffin: Yes, or Acrobatics—

Travis: 17.

Griffin:: Ok, Taako—

Justin: It is… 17 for me as well.

Griffin: Taako and Magnus get up. It’s 30 feet away.

Travis: ONE for Clint!

Justin: [crosstalk] It is a one for Clinton.

Travis: [crosstalk] A one-uh for Clint! A one! Numero uno!

Griffin: Oh shit! Dad, you get like halfway up and you fall out so bad that the axe becomes unwedged and the floor pops up. Make a Dexterity saving throw WITH DISADVANTAGE CUZ YOU’RE ON YOUR BACK!

Travis: [beat] Can I use my grappling hook and— [audience laughs]

Griffin: I don’t know what people were cheering for, I think somebody said something very funny in the audience. [Man in the audience: “That’s your dad!”]

Griffin: That’s my dad, yeah. And I’ll fucking KILL HIM IN A SECOND! [audience laughter]

Travis: To be fair, if Griffin kills him, he becomes head of the family—

Justin: AND GETS ALL OF OUR RICHES!

Clint: So…

Travis: Roll again, you have disadvantage.

Clint: DIS-advantage…

Griffin: Yeah that means you do… poorly.

Travis: That’s a ONE!

Justin: That’s a one.

Travis: That’s a ONE!

Justin: [crosstalk] That’s another one on that one.

Travis: [crosstalk] UNA!

Griffin: Uh… Jesus Christ… uh—

Travis: He’s fine!

Griffin: You get lit the fuck up by these spikes this time, you are not in the right place, and they just getchya all over. You take three hearts of damage— are you still alive?

Travis: Yeah, actually. He has four hearts.

Griffin: He has one heart left, but you are prone and on the floor and in a bad sh— sh— shape and the back wall is now ten feet away.

Travis: Can I grappling-hook Merle’s arm?

Griffin: [beat] His wooden arm? With a very good roll, you can. This is the last action—

Clint: Wait! Wait, wait! It’s not your turn, is it?

Griffin: Oh, it’s—

Travis: Do you just wanna die? Is that it? ’Cuz you’re rollin’ ones left and right.

Clint: You—

Travis: Do you want someone with a hot hand to fix it?

Clint: You and Merle’s arm are not a good combination.

Justin: That’s true. I mean it’s—

Griffin: [crosstalk] I’m gonna s— Lemme say—

Travis: [crosstalk] Alright, fine! You know what? You can die.

Griffin: Let me set the stakes! You got one more action and then you’re gonna be crushed by the wall. What do you do to save yourself in this situation?

Travis: I mean I have a magic grappling hook, but… [shrugs]

Clint: [beat] Who are you talking to?

Griffin: YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Clint: Well— I—

Griffin: Unless somebody else wants to get you out of there—

Clint: I climb out of the pit—

Griffin: Alright. Do it again. S—

Clint: Leaking blood like a sieve… [rolls die] shit…

Travis: No, tha— It’s a 14.

Griffin: Total?

Travis: [beat] Yeah…

Justin: Add your Dexterity.

Clint: Oh, yeah, I have to add my Dexterity— FOURTEEN.

Travis: Can I help him?

Griffin: Uh, yes. Roll plus Strength to try to grab him.

Travis: Oh, plus Strength? Then that is a 17.

Griffin: Ok, yeah. You reach down and pull him up just as the spikes shoot out—

Travis: And I just stare at him.

Griffin: Uh, just barely missing your feet as the back wall comes in and crushes up against the wall and you are savvveedddddd. [audience applause]

Travis: Yeah!

Clint: [bratty voice] ‘Thank you, Travis.’



Griffin: Uh, as you move through the door, uh, on the landing that’s sort of flanked by these torches, you see that same odd phenomenon happen again. The flames freeze and quickly the hallway that you’re entering starts to flicker and glitch out and suddenly the simulation’s just gone. And you are standing in darkness.

And then a large square of light appears on the floor in front of you and some lights overhead kick on, illuminating a stage that the three of you are standing on. Um, and in front of you is an audience of thousands of screaming fans— which I wrote here, and I realize now— [audience cheers]

I promise I didn’t think about the reality of saying that sentence out loud on this stage, um, and in front of them is a small riser where you can see a judge sitting behind a desk. And the lights are in your eyes— you can’t quite see their, their face, but you can see the title of this game as it appears in a stylish font in front of you. And the title is: Move Move Celebration! [audience laughter]

And the judge says [in an accent somewhere between Australian & British]



Clint: Which will make for some great podcasting!

Travis: But you do have to act it out for real. [audience & Clint laugh]

Griffin: Are you all— Are you all nominating Merle for this task?

Clint: [beat] Bring it!

Travis: I think that’s the funniest choice.

Justin: Yeah, it’s a funny choice.

Griffin: Ok! Uh, Merle, you step forward, the— You see this silhouette of this judge motion you towards the glowing square on the floor.

Travis: Don’t blow it. [beat] What if you only had one shot…

Clint: Ok… Merle does that.

Griffin: Ok! As you—

Travis: Man, wouldn’t it be great if ‘8 Mile’ was a dance movie? That would’ve made that joke way funnier.

Griffin: [laughing] Yeah!

Clint: Well, every little bit helps.

Griffin: If only anybody had ever made a dance movie you could reference.

Travis: Hey, get out there and stomp the yard!

Griffin: Yeah… uh, as you—

Travis: You can do it, honey!

Griffin: As you ste— Oh, Jesus. Travis just made a ‘Honey’ reference during our two-thousand-and-seventeen Adventure Zone live show. Uh, as you step onto that glowing square, some blistering-fast techno music starts pounding through some massive speakers hanging overhead, and then all of a sudden there—

Travis: THE ECSTASY! [Griffin & audience laugh]

Griffin: All of a sudden there are glowing arrows all over you, illuminated on the floor, showing you the steps of an incredibly demanding dance. Roll— we’ve literally never used this skill before— Performance. [audience cheers]

Clint: Pleeeaassseeee…

Travis: He is neutral on this.

Clint: Please! [rolls dice]

Travis: It’s a 13.

Justin: Thirteen.

Travis: I don’t know why I’m reading off Dad’s numbers.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: He can read.

Justin: Are there just— are there just [crosstalk] too many—

Travis: [crosstalk] Numbers.

Clint: I have a plus one in Performance!

Griffin: Ok—

Travis: That’s a 14.

Justin: Are there just—

Clint: FOUR-teen!

Justin: Are there just more— There are just too many— There’s like a lot of buttons—

Griffin: There’s a lot of arrows on the floor for him to—

Justin: And we can’t help him, right?

Griffin: You absolutely can and should help your dad.

Justin: Well, wait. Seems like if he had more legs to help him… [pause, audience laughs] If only I knew someone with four legs! [audience cheers]

Travis: Yeeeeesss!

Justin: This is good.

Clint: ARE YOU WITH US?

Justin: This is good. I cast Phantom Steed. [audience cheers]



Griffin: [forcefully] It’s time. To dance. Let’s. Do it.

Justin: Garyl is a— if you’ve never listened— is a beautiful bi-nicorn, he’s rainbow-colored and he’s, um… I created him from my heart.

Griffin: All of a sudden, the title of the game pop up again, only this time it says: ‘Dressage Dressage Celebration’. [Clint laughs] Uh Merle, roll again with advantage this time, because technically, you have double the legs as you mount—

Travis: Triple.

Justin: Triple.

Griffin: [beat] Noooo.

Travis: Not making contact with the ground, but if someone with two legs get on someone with four—

Griffin: [exasperated] Alright, roll the dice three times, you have double advantage.

Travis: He’s gonna need it! [Clint rolls] Twelve.

Griffin: Bad!

Travis: [Clint rolls] Two?

Griffin: POOR!

Travis: Come on! Wait, use my regular dice.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh, this better be a good one now!

Travis: [crosstalk] Don’t get your funk on it! [Clint rolls] ...Twelve.

Clint: Wait, that was Travis’s dice!

Travis: It doesn’t count.

Griffin: What the fuck?!

Clint & Travis: [crosstalk] TWO!! Two! Two, two!!

Justin: [crosstalk] Two!! Two!? Roll again!

Travis: I am trying my best. TWO.

Griffin: [crosstalk] The audience— The audience— no, Dad, you stand RIGHT THERE— the audience boos! [audience boos]

Griffin: And a wave of arrows—

Travis: But then the audience remembers that Dad took care of Griffin—

Justin: Look what you did. Our— our [crosstalk] our elderly dad.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Come on—

Travis: Are you gonna take off your pants!?

Clint: My belt fell off!

Griffin: As the audience boos, a wave of arrows comes shooting out of the audience?

Clint: So I don’t really have to dance.

Griffin: And hits you for two hearts of damage.

Travis: He is dead.

Griffin: Merle explodes in a shower of p— [cackles] no, come back! Merle explodes in a shower of pixels and the life counter drops down to 2.

Justin: I’m assuming the arrows shoot right through Garyl, who’s just like, ‘nice.’

Griffin: Oh yeah, he’s a phantom steed, he’s totally cool.

Travis: But Garyl says, “I’m fine.”

Justin: Can I do one for Garyl to see if he finishes the challenge?

Griffin: Yes, if your phantom steed wants to roll for themselves.

Justin: That’s aaaaaaaaaaaaaa 16.

Griffin: Uh, the audience goes wild for Garyl. [audience cheering]

Travis: MVP, Most Valuable Pony: Garyl. That’s a new movie with Matt LeBlanc coming out.

Griffin: The audience stands up and like— uh, the judge stands up and like, cuts the audience off from their cheering and turns, and there’s a floodlight, a spotlight above that comes up and you can see their face and they’re crying. And they say,



Griffin: And he holds up a ticket! A beautiful golden ticket.

Griffin: Uh, and as you say that, the audience starts just throwing oats onto the stage, showering Garyl in oats, and the oats are just hitting Merle in his fuckin’ face. Just like— [demonstrating] [Griffin and Travis laughing]

Clint: 19 years I raised you. [crosstalk] Paid your bills. Put food on your table!

Griffin: [laughing] [crosstalk] Yes I’m 19 years old!

Travis: You know Griffin’s 30, right? Did you just check out after 19? “See me again at the liveshow!”

Clint: He— he set out to find his purpose!

Griffin: As the stage is flooded in oats, the scene freezes, and some of the oats freeze in mid air and it looks so cool. [Clint and Justin laugh] And then the scene dissipates and suddenly you’re back in the hallway walking out of the spike trap room, and uh, uh, Acererak pops into the chat again and says,

Travis: Wait, is Garyl still there?

Griffin: Uh, no, Garyl’s not here ‘cause it was— Yeah, fuck it, yeah, sure, why not. [Justin: Nice.] Uh, and then BoyDetective15 pops into the chat and says,



Griffin: But nobody does, and you hear Lucas’s voice again and he says,



Travis: Magnus starts running.

Griffin: Okay. Y—

Justin: Taako’s obviously riding Garyl, this isn’t even a question.

Griffin: You approach a long set of stairs, and at the top see an opposing door, behind it, you’re sure, is Acererak’s chambers. The doors at the top of the stairs are [intensely] 14 feet wide, 28 feet tall, they are made of solid mithril, 3 feet thick, and impregnated— g-gross— and impregnated with great magicks in order to make them absolutely spell- and magic-proof. Fuck you, Taako. Where—

Justin: You slowly— you see Taako slowly put the hole-thrower back in his pocket, he had like, already gotten it out.

Griffin: Uh, where these doors meet at about waist-height is a cup-like depression, a hemisphero-cl-tJesus. A hemispherical concavity, uh, just stick with cup-like depression, Gary! [Clint’s laughter]

Travis: Fucking dork!

Griffin: A cup-like depression, a hemispherical concavity with a central hole. What do you do?

Travis: I knock on the door. Polite-ness.

Griffin: Nothing happens.

Travis: Dam-nit.

Justin: Did we have any cups that we didn’t know about?

Griffin: No!

Justin: It’s a cup-like—

Griffin: It’s a— It’s a depression in the door, there’s a little hole in the door.

Travis: How big?

Griffin: Hole-shaped.

Justin: I jam the scepter in it.

Griffin: FUCK YEAH! [audience cheers]

Travis: [unintelligible] Touch! Make ‘em touch! Touch it! [crosstalk]

Clint: I have the scepter!

Griffin: And that’s not how it is, it’s not like that. You know how it actually goes...

Justin: [giggling] Do I?

Griffin: Like the sex joke. [audience laughter]

Justin: Okay, this is a scepter, it’s not dirty! It’s a scepter into the hole!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Uh, okay,

Travis: [crosstalk] He did— he did, uh, if I may explain, ‘cause this is an audio medium— uh, Justin formed a— a circle, with the one hand, and then extended his index finger and inserted, said finger, into the circle, in a gesture, uhh uhh of insertion. [audience laughter]

Clint: Into a door that was already impregnated. [uproarious audience laughter]

Travis: Ok, BYE! That’s gonna do it for us—

Griffin: [crosstalk] The end!

Travis: Wait! [Clint giggling]

Griffin: I just wanna read how bad it could have gotten if Justin— I swear to god I didn’t think you would remember that you had gotten the sceptre, uh, an hour ago— uh, if the door is attacked by force it will not budge but if it’s scratched or nicked it will turn red in that spot, and begin to gush blood. The blood of all those who have died in the tomb, the red flow will cascade down the steps and begin to fill the— it fills the fucking room, and then there’s like, a page of like, if you try to solve it this way, you die, if you try to solve it this way, you die, if you try to burn the blood it turns to poison gas and you die instantly. The tomb of horrors is fucked up.

Clint: Did Jim Jones write this— [crosstalk] particular game?

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeahh, for sure. The massive doors swing open. And you enter the demilich’s chamber.

Travis: Hell yeah. I think this is the perfect time here, um, to tell everyone that um, we have a graphic novel coming out.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, yeah, fuck, we were supposed to do this right after we started, we’ve forgotten now twice— so, uh, before we do this next part, as you leave, uh, everybody here’s gonna be able to get a pack of the Adventure Zone gum? [audience cheers]

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Uh, and that is normally—

Justin: We made it just for you all, like literally just for you guys.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah it’s from— it’s from our friends at First Second who are publishing the graphic novel adaptation, which you can now get— you can now get at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, or at theadventurezonecomic.com, um, and each of the packs of gum has an exclusive little comic, like a Bazooka Joe comic, starring Angus MacDonald! [audience cheering]

So that is— that’s for the graphic novel, it’s the first arc, The Adventure Zone: Here There Be Gerblins, uhh which was illustrated by Carey Pietsch, who is so fucking talented [audience cheers], and that is out July 17th, 2018, and so, if you’re not here and you’re hearing this now you can preorder the graphic novel and you, uh, send your receipt, like a picture of your receipt online to theadventurezonecomic.com you can get all the Bazooka Joe comics in the gum—

Travis: But Dad wrote ‘em,

Justin: Dad wrote the comics, yeah.

Travis: Dad wrote the comics, there’s— there’s three different versions you can get, one featuring Merle, one featuring Magnus, one featuring Taako, all of them have Angus in it.

Justin: So, um, Morgan and Jeremy are gonna be out there, I think they’re in First Second shirts, uh, so everybody just please take one, pass—

Griffin: They have big bags full of gum, they’re gonna be the only ones with big gum bags.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: But make sure you check in with them if you’re leaving so you can go and grab that from them.

Griffin: The massive doors swing shut behind you as you enter the demilich’s chamber, a wide red carpet leads you down from the entrance into this room, and towards a staircase that climbs five feet and up to a dais. Flanking the carpet are six stone columns, three on each side. Atop the dais is a throne, made of large, twisted bones. And the arms of the throne are capped with gold-plated iron.

And sitting on that throne is a skull, and it’s completely motionless. You hear Lucas trying to communicate with you, but he’s breaking up so bad now that you can’t make out what he’s saying? Uh, and then in the lower right corner of your vision a message appears saying, “Users have been disconnected from chat.” What do you do?

Travis: Er, I guess— [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] Nah, it’s not real!!

Griffin: [crosstalk] No, that’s fuckin’ scary, don’t— hey, come on!

Clint: Hey, let t— let ‘em have their moment!

Justin: I guess I reboot, usually.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: And take the cartridge out and blow in it. [blows into mic]

Travis: Yeah. Don’t do that! Oh, no— you got your spit— you gotta put your t-shirt over it and then blow through.

Clint: Oh, is that right?

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: [strained] What do you do, aasshooles?

Justin: I— I cast “detect traps” now that we’ve been through the entire thing.

Griffin: There’s no traps.

Justin: Perfect.

Travis: I shoot [murmuring] an arrow at the skull.

Griffin: Rollll [murmuring] an attack roll with your bow and arrow.

Travis: [murmuring] mm, dance … [unintelligible]

Clint: Why is everybody talking like Thurston Howell The Third?

Justin: That’s from Gilligan’s Island.

Travis: Not great. Uh, sixteen.

Griffin: That’s enough, it’s a fucking skull. Um,

Travis: It doesn’t dodge?

Griffin: Uh, the skull explodes in a puff of ash.

Travis: Bahbahbahbah bahh bahh ba—! [video game achievement sound]

Griffin: But! But! Uh—

Travis: Bubububut butt butt but bubutt!

Griffin: No! No, it doesn’t do that actually—

Justin: No bababahs.

Griffin: A cloud of black smoke begins to pour out of the cracks between the th— I wrote the throne bones here, which is gross.

Travis: I step behind Taako.

Griffin: Uh, and it hovers menacingly above the dais, and suddenly it starts to take form, and it forms a long tattered black robe, and as it waves about you see a half-decomposed body within. This demilich form though, it doesn’t have a head. But something starts to pop out of the top of the robe, [stage-whispering behind his hand] get ready on that musical cue by the way, [Oh Hey, It’s Hodge Podge! by Griffin McElroy starts playing] uh, taking the place that should be where the head is, it’s a computer monitor! [audience starts to cheer] And after forming, the tubes inside click on and you see a simple pixelated face appear on the screen. And a voice inside the monitor says,



[a pause. Audience laughter]



Griffin: Let’s roll initiative. [audience cheers]

Clint: So we get to fight some shit?

Justin: Yeah. It’s time.

Travis: Fourteen.

Griffin: You can fade that music out whenever you want. [Oh Hey, It’s Hodge Podge! fades out quickly]

Justin: Uh, seven for the kid. For Hoops.

Clint: Oh, I have advantage!

Griffin: You sure do.

Clint: That was a four.

Griffin: Good. So you get to it again.

Clint: Haha, you all doubt my prowess. [rolls] And that’s a six. [audience laughter]

Travis: It’s nice that you’re so consistent... -ly bad. No, I love you so much. [Audience aaawwwws]

Griffin: Magnus what did you roll? [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Don’t awww! It’s my dad! I love him!

Griffin: Magnus what did you roll real quick! Tell me!

Travis: I rolled, uuuuuuah fourteen.

Griffin: Alright. Hodge Podge is up first. Um, Hodge Podge gets two actions, on its first action it aims at… Magnus, and shoots a necrotic beam in your direction.

Travis: I am standing behind Taako, I did just say that.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Taako! The beam hits you! 21? Versus AC?

Justin: Yeap, that hits.

Griffin: Uh, you take two hearts worth of damage.

Justin: Hachi machi.

Griffin: How’s Taako doin’? Still pretty good, right?

Justin: I mean, he’s got one heart.

Griffin: Alright. [crosstalk] two hearts.

Justin: No, wait wait wait, he [crosstalk] d-d-d-d-died.

Griffin: Oh.

Justin: He only had one heart left.

Griffin: Oh yeah, Taak—

Justin: Anyway, g—



Griffin: Taako explodes—

Clint: Wait, so the hearts don’t regenerate every—

Griffin: No. Taako explodes into a shower of pixels and the counter at the top of the screen now says, 1. Taako, you reappear at the center of the room—

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s one more, though, so.

Griffin: Uh, next up I need all of you to make a wisdom saving throw.

Travis: Which we’ll have advantage on, thank you Dad. [audience cheering] Thank god. I rolled an 18. Clinton rolled a Nat 20. [audience cheers wildly] He’s the smartest man!

Clinton: And I just injured my shoulder, stretchin’ out like that!

Griffin: Taako, how’d you do?

Justin: Seven, for the kid.

Griffin: Taako disappears.

Justin: Ah, well. Win— [crosstalk]

Travis:With advantage?

{90:32}

Justin: Win some, lose some.

Griffin: Magnus, you’re up next.

Justin: Wait, did I lose a life, or I just disappeared?

Griffin: No, you didn’t lose a life, just dis—

Justin: Okay. Cool.

Travis: I— let me look at all my spell cards, umm— I’m going to attack him. With the [mumbling] Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Griffin: Alright. [audience cheers] Do that shit. [dice rolling]

Travis: ‘S, uh, 21.

Griffin: Yeah, that’ll hit this one.

Travis: And then, uh,

Griffin: It does 20 bonus damage, I think?

Travis: Tw— well, yeah 24… total…

Justin: It’s a very good sword.

Travis: [crosstalk] Very good sword.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Really good sword.

Travis: [murmuring] That’s a 3, plus 24, 27?

Justin: [out the side of his mouth] Can we top side— stop side-talking?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Yes, TWENTY-SEVEN.

Griffin: Uh, you see three hearts float up and away from this lich form, uh, as you hit it with the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Travis: And you know what, I’mma check, I’m gonna— attack it again

Griffin: Do it again, yeah. Did we talk about how— did we— have we put any limitations on the Raging— Flaming Poisoning Sword of— no, fuck.

Justin: Try it.

Travis: Alright. That’s a Nat 20. [audience cheers] [makes clicking noises] So that’s gonna be… damage twice? That’s a four—

Griffin: It doesn’t do the fuckin’, 20 extra fire damage twice though.

Travis: I think it does. So that’s… um, 48… plus seven… ‘s 55? Damage?

Griffin: Fuck…

Justin: [laughing] It is a VERY, VERY good sword!

Griffin: You see five hearts float up and away from the lich form.

Travis: [crosstalk] And then I’ll use my third attack… [audience cheers] ‘S a 17, plus ten, 27?

Griffin: That one misses, it’s fucked up. [audience laughter]

Travis: Ah, that’s a o— ah, it’s only one damage, so 25 total. I want you to picture Magnus doing this very calmly and methodically.

Griffin: Uh, okay, two— two hearts float away, uh, from the lich, uh, Hodge Podge, and as they do, the form crumples into ash. [Justin cackling] And then, the throne of bone collapses, and the demilich Hodge Podge appears once again in front of you.

Travis: I’m going to action-surge,

Griffin: Jesus Christ. [audience cheers]

Travis: And I’m gonna attack again,

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Calmly, rationally, [rolls die] that’s a one! [laughs] [slow clapping from someone on the panel]

Clint: That means a hundred and one points’a damage!

Travis: [crosstalk] And Magnus just— “M’okay.”

Justin: “Alright!”

Griffin: Uh, Taako, you’re up next— Taako, you were teleported away.

Justin: Yep.

Griffin: And now you’re sitting on the back of a boat on a serene lake. And joining you this time on the boat, [clears throat] is a big bass, who is sitting at the back of the boat with a big floppy hat on, and a fin on the motor, in the same position Rascal was in before? And he looks at you and he goes, [flapping noises]. And as you look around, like, this scene actually looks really fucked up?

Like, the trees are upside down [Travis(?): No.] all around the coast, um, and there’s like, no sun in the sky, and the sky is red, and like, the water is moving in a weird like glitchy way, like there’s a wave, and then a little freeze, [Justin(?): Okay.] and then there’s another wave— um, and the fish goes [fish noises] and motions you towards a fish and tackle box at the front of the boat, and as you look in that direction you see something poking out of the water, it’s a biiiiiiiig floppy hat, and then it’s Rascal’s face? Only it’s huge. And kind of monstrous. And he screams,



Griffin: And splashes back down into the water, rocking your boat. Uh, and in front of you, big words appear that say, “Catch one big bass to proceed”, only the words ‘big bass’ glitch out and are replaced with the words “Rascal”. What do you do? [pause]

Travis: Yeah, that one I like!

Justin: Um— mm. Yeah, [chuckles] okay, I’m going to cast Maze on Rascal. [pause]

Griffin: I don’t know what that means but I know it’s not gonna be good!

Justin: So, the fir— you— okay, heheh, I—

Griffin: Just describe what happens to Rascal.

Justin: I banish Rascal to a labyrinthine demiplane.

Clint: Awwwww, not Rascal!

Justin: He is there until he can escape. He can use his action to attempt an escape, and, uh, if it succeeds— uh, makes a DC 20 Intelligence check— if it succeeds it escapes and the spell ends, uh, a minotaur automatically succeeds, but I assume Rascal is not a—

Griffin: That’s a Nat 20 for Rascal! Solving the infinity maze!

Justin: Well that’s very fine but it wasn’t his turn, it was my turn. So get in the maze.

Griffin: Okay. Rascal’s up next,

Justin: Okay,

Griffin: He rolled a Nat 20 on his—

Justin: Naahokaynahnahnahnah. [Griffin laughs] Nice try.

Griffin: Uh, that is a 19. Versus, whatever your shit is.

Justin: It’s a— a 20. Aw, close, [sings] yet so far away. [Griffin laughs]

Clint: 20-ish!

Justin: You used up that 20 magic when you— you didn’t— it wasn’t your turn. [Griffin laughs] He got to the end and was like, “I did it!” Then he was like, “Well, let’s hold on!”

Griffin: Uh, he’s having some trouble negotiating the maze— because his body is just a big fish-body. And so it’s taking him a long time to flop around, and so now you’re just on a boat with a big fish.



Griffin: And the fish puts a fin— [crosstalk]



Griffin: The fish puts a fin on your shoulder and goes— [fish noise]



Travis: Finish the lyric. [crosstalk] Finish the l—

Griffin: That’s— a Jimmy Buffett…?

Justin: Yep—



Griffin: Uh, I guess— Next in the order is Merle, back in the fight with the demilich.

Clint: Merle casts Guardian of Faith.

Griffin: Alright. [audience cheers]

Clint: But— but wait, there’s more. Just when the gigantic, spirit form of Della Reese—

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: Materializes, he uses the Strongmouse Amulet [crosstalk] which allows him— which allows him to make a brilliant jape—

Griffin: Oh jesus, this is gonna tank. You can’t call your shot like this, Babe Ruth.

Clint: [crosstalk] Why, WHY? HE TAKES LIKE 25 FREAKIN’ TURNS!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Alright, do it. Do it, do it. What’s your joke, and again, if it fails, you’ll die.

Clint: Well— I think we’ll leave it up to the audience to decide if it’s a great jape or not.

Travis: Okay, wait, wait wait wait wait, this is important… don’t patronize him. If you don’t like it, just stay silent.

Justin: It’s gotta be fair.

Griffin: Hey, can we start saying that before all, all our live show jokes? “Don’t fuckin’ patronize us, only— be legit, now.”

Clint: It’s all I got, it’s the only— [crosstalk]

Griffin: [crosstalk] Alright, whatcha got.

Clint: So this gigantic Della Reese forms in the sky—

Travis: [crosstalk] So hey, here’s the deal!

Griffin: [crosstalk] So uh, what’s the deal with all these gigantic Della Reese angels—

Clint: —And I say to the [chuckling] gigantic Della Reese, “TOUCH THEM, MY ANGEL!” [a pause, weak cheers, a mic hitting the table]

Griffin: [crosstalk] No, that was very loud,

Justin: [crosstalk] No, come on, pick the mic up!

Griffin: And also not— fix it—

Justin: No, that was nothing.

Clint: [crosstalk] THEY LOVED IT!

Griffin: Yeah, okay, you don’t die, so what happens now?

Clint: I don’t remember, I just came up with it!

Justin: Hachi machi.

Griffin: The lich Hodge Podge starts to lose its form after you hit it with this attack that it was weak to, uh, what is your joke now, Merle? What is your hot one-liner now as Hodge Podge lich starts to lose its composure in front of you, and I’m saying this because it’s almost, [intensely] 12:30 in the fucking morning.

Clint: I thou— I— I put my—

Griffin: You have one chance—

Clint: My touch wasn— my touch— my angel?

Griffin: No! Another one! I demand it! [audience laughter]

Clint: Uh— uhhm, m— [audience members shout suggestions] Liches get stitches. [audience uproar] [Clint giggling]

Griffin: Hodge— Hodge Podge’s spectral form rears up and his hands are thrown to his side and bolts of electricity starts coursing through his body, and it looks like he’s about to explode in a truly spectacular fashion, and then, your vision just turns blue and an error log pops up? And uh, through that you see Hodge Podge collapse to the floor anticlimactically. [Clint laughs]

And the chat reappears with a chorus of users all saying, “GG.” And— [audience cheers] and suddenly, the three of you are awake and lying down in Lucas’s lab and you feel a uniquely unpleasant sensation as whatever device was connecting you to this virtual world detaches itself from the back of your head. And there’s Lucas, and he’s grimacing, kind of awkwardly, and he says,

Travis: “Did I do that?” [Clint laughs]

Griffin: And that’s the end of the adventure! [audience screams] Today on Adventure Zone Live! Thank you all for joining us! Get your gum!

Travis: Grab your gum on the way out!

Griffin: We’ll see you next time!

Clint: Get your gum! Get your gum!

Travis: We’re doing our signing at booth 2800 tomorrow!

Justin: Yeah yeah! That’s good!

Griffin: Yeah, we’re doing a signing! Alright, bye!

Justin: And also, Cut/Sew made my outfit and I like it a lot.

Travis: Thank you we love you.

[Adventure Zone theme]

[Outro]

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