The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 18/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…

Griffin: You melt the snow in front of Keith and he eats shit. And then he stands up, looks back at you, Aubrey, and is just kind of staring at you dumbfounded.











Justin: I take it out of his mouth and I slip it onto his wrist.

Griffin: He transforms. Do you wanna decide what he looks like?

Justin: Uhh, yeah, he looks exactly like Ryan Gosling.

Travis: Duck, duck, Gosling is what we’ll call this arc.

Griffin: Yowzers.

Justin: Baaa baaa land.

[laughing]

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

Travis: Hey, so everyone at home listening, so Griffin did a shit ton of work in Roll 20, [Griffin: I did.] and input like— it’s gonna change the literal game. But one of the things that he done did was compile all of the things that we should’ve known and written down that we didn’t, maybe Dad did, I don’t know, he’s a nerd, [Clint: I did.] and that’s how— all of these clues in there— and I’ve done figured this whole thing out! I can see it—

Griffin: Oh, did I make it…

Travis: No, I—

Griffin: Did I make it too easy?

Travis: I see it all now, wheels within wheels, I know exactly what’s going on. Also, another behind the scenes that really helped— went back and listened to the last episode.

Griffin: How novel.

Travis: I know! And uh, I’m ready— I’m ready to solve the puzzle, Alex.

Justin: Hey listener, can I— can I suggest that you do that too, if you haven’t been doing that? Go back and and listen to the last— especially when we take a— [Griffin: A calendar month?] a calendar month between releases… go back and make sure you download it separately and please up your donation to reflect that you’re listening multiple times. [Travis: Yeah.]

Griffin: Otherwise it’s thievery and theft.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah.

Justin: [crosstalk] It’s stealing, yeah.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Federal— federal crime.

Travis: I also wanna say, I just said, “I’m ready to solve the puzzle, Alex.” I should’ve said Pat, and I’m really mad at myself.

Justin: No one says that. [laughing]

Travis: They don’t say that?

Justin: No one says— I don’t think it’s a— I don’t think “I’m ready to solve the puzzle, Pat.” I don’t think you may address Pat Sajak by his name anymore, [Griffin: That’s true.] I think he would think that’s threatening.

Travis: Do they just say “Mr. Sajak?”

Clint: “Mr. Sajak,” yeah.

Griffin: No, they just go whole episodes without even acknowledging that he’s fuckin’ there. [Justin laughing] They’re just— they care about the board, they care about their letters and their precious fuckin’ wheel, but Pat Sajak doesn’t get the time of day.

Justin: They say pardon me, wheel lord… [crosstalk, Clint laughing] I’m ready to solve— to solve your riddle [Travis: Now if—] and save my family from the dungeon that you’ve imprisoned them in.

Travis: Is Pat Sajak the wheel lord or is he just like the mouthpiece for the wheel lord?

Justin: Pat Sajak is the lord of the wheel, he imprisons all the contestants’ families before every episode and makes them play to free them.

Travis: But only one person wins, Justin.

Justin: The one thing about it is that— the— the right— there’s two correct answers to every puzzle. It’s what the letters spell and also his true name. [Travis: Ohh.] So if you ever answer his true name—

Griffin: Buuut, you have to get him to say it.

Travis: Hmmmm.

Griffin: It’s tough. It’s a tough game, Wheel of Fortune.

Justin: People have only found so far three of the letters: [“kkkk” static sound], [“ssss” hissing sound], and [“chhk” sound].

[laughing]

Griffin: [laughing] They’re more runes than anything.

Justin: [laughing] They’re sort of— runes.

Travis: And that’s why he’s aged over the time— cause you know, he’s immortable— once you find those letters, it takes about, I don’t know, three years—

Griffin: Did you say “immortable?”

Travis: No—

Clint: He’s immortable, that’s a portable immortal. [Griffin: Ohhkay.] That’s someone who can— can go somewhere and live forever.

Griffin: Alright, we— that’s good, cause we actually got all of our sort of diversions and, like, drifting from the story out of the way like at the top of the show, which is super convenient. Now we can just like, plot plot plot plot plot, bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Travis: So here’s the thing I figured out that I wanna— because I know that this is something we were trying to figure out last episode— Griffin, tell me if I’m right, because you have to— the reason that the general store was attacked was to steal fertilizer.

Griffin: That’s correct.

Travis: Yeeeah.

Clint: Whoooooa, Nelly!

Griffin: I don’t know why I’m just like telling you that, but like, it seems like a— such a—

Travis: Well because we’ve been in this arc for like twenty seven episodes.

Griffin: Well, the bigger thing is that it would’ve been a big clue back— back then, when you, like, first saw it, if you had like investigated that? There’ve been lots of times where, like, you all investigated one thing instead of another thing, so there’s information you didn’t have— but at this point, like, I think that that is largely, uh, you know, what you could probably— I think you probably just figured that out through context clues. I didn’t write down he stole fertilizer, Travis just sort of sussed that out.

Justin: Who stole fertilizer?

Griffin: The— the goatman.

Justin: Why? [Griffin: Yeah—]

Travis: Cause they’re trying to grow something, Justin.

Griffin: So, let’s—

Justin: I know, and I solved that one.

Griffin: This is turning into a The The Adventure Zone Zone, so let’s play the game Monster of the Week. Let’s pick up right after the, uh, great events of the last episode. You have now a Ryan Gosling on your team in the form of Billy, and you are still in Indrid’s Winnebago.



Griffin: Indrid looks shocked, because you sort of just said this, like, out of nowhere? It was almost like you were having a conversation with nobody?

Travis: Well, you know, here’s the thing— at this point I think this will surprise no one, but Aubrey has, um, ADD, much like myself.

Griffin: Sure.

Travis: So oftentimes I will have whole conversations in my head that I don’t share with anybody and then just say the conclusion out loud?

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: So I’m gonna say that is what has happened here.

Griffin: Alright, for sure. Uhhh, Indrid says:









Griffin: He kind of smirks and says, uh,









Griffin: He says,



Griffin: And he slips off his spectacles, and instantly he transforms. And you all behold the Mothman. And he is terrifying to look at. I think there is a reason why local mythos around the Mothman sort of depicted him as something to be feared? It is because his— his form is— is sort of traditionally terrifying. He has these, uh, huge eyes, huge wings, a— just sort of an exposed thorax and mandibles?

Clint: Oh, god.

Griffin: And he is— he is pretty uh, upsetting to look at.









Griffin: He slips the glasses back on and he says,



Griffin: Uh, and— from outside—



Travis: Perfect.

Griffin: From outside, as he slips his spectacles back on, you all hear the sound of, just, clanging and clattering? It sounds like trash cans are being knocked down outside. And you hear something fall to the ground. And like, as he slips his glasses back on, Indrid like looks to the windows and towards the door. And Indrid, to this point, has been this sort of like, uh, ethereal, stone-cold sort of figure, like Stone Cold Steve Austin, just like not super emotional, but now, like, he looks kind of worried because he was just the Mothman and something was there outside.

Travis: Aubrey’s on the move!

Griffin: Okay, you bound outside. Ned and Duck, are you heading out there too?

Clint: Ned doesn’t really bound, but yeah, he’ll kind of trail along behind.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, as you all make it outside, you catch a figure, a person riding a dirt bike. They are wearing a sort of puffy winter jacket, and they have on a helmet that is covering their whole head, and they are on this dirt bike riding into the woods, sort of just— just beyond the Eastwood RV park that you all are at. You all can sort of just see them starting to take off.

Travis: Griffin, is there anything on the back of the jacket?

Griffin: There is, uh— you can just sort of make out a, uhh, sort of home-made— I think it’s a home-made patch— that sure enough looks like a hornet flying in mid-sting.

Travis: Mmmmm. My old nemesis. That person from a bunch of episodes ago.

[laughing]

Griffin: That would be Keith. The, uh—

Travis: Keith! Of course.

Griffin: Keith, the lieutenant of the, uh…

Travis: KEITH.





Travis: Is Keith where the action is?

Clint: [crosstalk] Keith is the action.

Travis: Keith: it’s where the action is. [Clint laughing]

Griffin: Yeah, I mean sure—

Travis: Hi, I’m Keith—

Griffin: Keith is the only action that appears to be present here, uhh, I mean, as you all are heading outside, you hear the Mothman just kind of grumbling. He immediately— he, like, instantly starts, just like, packing things up inside of his Winnebago.

Travis: Oh no…

Clint: Did we get the spare glasses?

Griffin: Uh, yes. He managed to hand you a pair of spare reading glasses. Congratulations, you got those, was it worth it?

Travis: Yes.

Clint: We don’t know yet.

Griffin: Fair enough. Okay, so you all are trying to pursue Keith. I think uh, Aubrey, you’re sort of the first one to—

Travis: And I’m running.

Griffin: —to call this. Go ahead and yeah, act under pressure as you are, I mean, you’re trying to catch up with a dirt bike? Which is probably gonna be a tough putt, but, let’s— let’s see how you do. Oh my god.

Travis: How did I do… oh, not great. Uhh, rolled a 3.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Aubrey got a 3… all told. That’s quite bad. Okay. Ummm…

Travis: But, you know, Griffin, I learned something from my mistakes, and I’m gonna pick up an experience point.

Griffin: You do pick up an experience point, congratulations. Okay, you all run—run into the woods. I’m gonna take a hard move here, I’m trying to figure out what that looks like… Okay, you all hear the sound of the dirt bike sort of like, cruising deeper into the woods as you run out of the Eastwood RV Park chasing Keith. And then, you hear the, sort of tell-tale sound of a crash in the distance. And you hear, like, a scream shortly after this crash, and it seems to be like a— it is a long, pained, howl. And then you hear another sound, you hear a clang, like the sound of metal hitting something, and the scream stops.

Clint: I say we oughta run in the direction of the screaming that stopped.

Justin: Yes, I love it.

Travis: I agree.

Griffin: Okay, you all—



Griffin: You all find the dirt bike, it is like sort of crumpled into a fallen tree? And it’s still sort of like, faintly sputtering and dying. And then you see a clearing just beyond that log and see Keith, and he is on the ground. His helmet is off, you can clearly see his face, you see this lieutenant of the Hornets, which if you remember during the Lunar Interlude was very antagonistic towards you, and then Aubrey used magic and he kind of, uh, noticed that? [laughs] Because of a bad roll. And he is, he is in a bad way. One of his legs is like very clearly pretty fucked up, and he is unconscious, and is just, like, bleeding from the head. And the reason for that, you realized very quickly, is the goatman, standing over him. The goatman that is wielding—

Travis: A goatman, Griffin.

Griffin: A goatman, that is holding a shovel. And you put together that this goatman just knocked Keith right the fuck out.

Travis: Problem solved!

Griffin: You thank the goatman, and head back into the city, where you complete your quest to receive 50 gold coins.

[laughter]

Clint: Is Billy with us?

Griffin: Umm—

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you guys have to like, tell me stuff like that.

Clint: Well, I assume wherever we go, he go.

Griffin: I mean— if you— if you bring him with you.

Clint: Yeah, I think we brought him with us.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [crosstalk] We’re— we’re in charge of him— we need to to keep an eye on him.

Griffin: Okay, then if you brought Billy with you, the goatman turns and looks towards you, holding this sort of grisly shovel as he stands over this human being that he just sort of destroyed, and looks at this, like, new person that is with you? And sort of cocks his head, sort of curious, and Billy starts to like, take slow steps toward the goatman kind of with his hands up trying to keep him calm.

Clint: I say Ned takes the watch off of Billy’s wrist.

Griffin: You just, like, pull it off?

Clint: Yeah, just stop him and, kind of pulls the watch off.

Griffin: Okay. As you do so, he transforms back into his goatman form. And now that you all have gotten to know Billy, you can kind of recognize some of the physiological differences between these two— like Billy is a smaller form than this goatman with the shovel is, and as you take off the watch and Billy turns back into a goatman, the other goatman looks confused at first and then he looks angry, and he starts charging at Billy with the shovel up.

Justin: Alright, well, I’m gonna have to tackle the angry goat. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: Okay, roll to Kick Some Ass.

Justin: [sighs] Wasn’t trying to kick this poor goat’s ass—

Clint: Isn’t angry goat an herbal thing?

Justin: No, Dad’s right, I’m gonna kick this poor goat’s ass.

Griffin: I just don’t know what else it could be—there is a thing in kick some ass about, like, put them where you want them, which I think for a tackle, it’d be like on the ground.

Justin: Yeah, but I guess I’m still risking the getting hurt. Anyway, umm, here it come.

Griffin: There it is.

Justin: That’s a, uhhh, 10.

Griffin: On a 10, you and the goatman deal harm to one another. Umm, I think with your tackle, you’re probably just dealing one harm right, cause you’re coming at him un— unequipped? And as you do so, I think he just headbutts you as you collide, and he’s got, you know, some horns, and that feels pretty awful. You take two harm, which I’m pretty sure is just negated by your natural armor? And you get to choose one: you gain the advantage— take plus one forward— you inflict terrible harm, you suffer less harm, or you force them where you want them.

Justin: I’m gonna force them where I want them, onto the ground.

Griffin: Okay. You do so.

Travis: Aubrey then takes that opportunity to move over to Keith.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And kind of holds her hands over him and says out loud,



Griffin: Can you do that?

Travis: Umm, there is healing in use magic.

Griffin: Heal one harm from an injury or cure a disease or neutralize a person— a poison?

Travis: Yes.

Justin: [laughing] Poi-son! (like “person” with a strong accent)

Griffin: [laughing] A poi-son!

Justin: [crosstalk] Look at this guy—

Travis: [crosstalk] I wanna heal a poi-son!

Justin: [imitating Curly] Look at this schmuck, I wanna neutralize him!

Griffin: Uhh, okay, so go ahead and rooooll… your ball…?

Travis: Uhh, a 7.

Griffin: Okay, uhh, that is just barely a mixed success. On a mixed success, your spell works imperfectly— choose your effect and a glitch, your effect is that you are healing one harm from an injury, uhh, the Keeper will decide what effect the glitch has. So, the glitches are: the effect is weakened, the effect is of short duration, you take one harm ignore armor, the magic draws immediate unwelcome attention, it has a problematic side effect.

Travis: Umm, I’m going to say…

Griffin: Some of these are, not, like applicable, right? Like why would you take one harm from this— [Travis: Yeah.] how could this be a short duration—

Travis: Let’s go with draw unwanted attention?

Griffin: I love you, Travis. You’re such a good— you’re such a kind and giving brother. Okay, you do this and the— I mean, the broken leg is like broken, and there’s— that magic is not just going to— this isn’t Harry Potter with, fuckin’, a potion that makes bones like, fix? But the head wound, it just kind of— it doesn’t like, seal up as much as it sort of instantly, like coagulates and stops bleeding. The side effect of this is, while you’re in the middle of doing this, Keith opens his eyes and just like— sees you point blank doing magic on him. And I think he’s too sort of like, stupefied, to like, do anything about it, but he— he— he sees you doing magic.



Griffin: He just closes his eyes and he goes back out. You’ve— you’ve stabilized Keith, you have a goatman pinned to the ground. Let me do something, actually, because we sort of have something established about these creatures in an earlier episode that it wouldn’t make sense for them to not do here— the goatman that you have pinned to the ground does that, like, loud, shrieking bleat.

Umm, and you heard that once before, Duck, when you sort of fought the one goatman in the woods that made the other two appear. And as he does this, Billy for a second like turns towards you all like he is losing whatever sort of peaceful part of himself he— he realized when you showed him kindness, Duck, but he like shakes his head and turns back towards the goatman and he looks very worried as this thing sort of screams, and sure enough the third goatman, the one holding the shears, comes charging out of the woods towards your party. Uhh, now, Ned, I believe it’s your turn in the action, what do you want to do?

Travis: Did we— or how far— and I know I’m not Ned, I recognize that, I know that about myself— how far are from Barclay’s truck which we used to get to the trailer park?

Griffin: I mean, you’re uh, you know, maybe a couple hundred feet or so, I mean you ran out of— you ran away from the trailer park and chased a dirt bike down, so you got pretty far from the trailer park. Uh, Ned.

Clint: [chuckles] I think Ned is going to try to scare off the goatman with the scythe? Did you say it was scythe?

Griffin: …Scythe?

Travis: Shears.

Clint: Shears!

Griffin: Oh, shears. Yeah. I thought you were saying that Ned now had a— [laughing] Ned now had a scythe.

Travis: He reaches into his pocket, it’s a collapsible scythe.

Griffin: I stole this from the Grim Reaper! Okay, how are you doing that?

Clint: Just kind of running at him, and just waving my arms, and trying to—

Travis: [crosstalk] You make yourself big to scare an animal.

Clint: It’s a goat! I’m making myself big, he’s a goat, for god’s sake, he’s not gonna be that sophisticated a combatant, and—

[laughter from Justin and Travis]

Clint: He’s gonna be confused because he sees one buddy down on the ground, he sees another buddy who seems to be with these other people— [Griffin: Okay…] he’s gonna be in a vulnerable spot!

Griffin: Sure, yeah. You can tell there’s definitely a sort of vulnerability there in this charging monster goat’s eyes.

Clint: Would that be act under pressure or manipulate someone?

Griffin: I think it’s definitely manipulate someone, right? You’re giving them a reason, which is like, hey, this is a [laughing] confusing time for you and I’m a big man who’s like waving his arms around.

[laughter]

Travis: You’re going through a lot of changes right now.

Griffin: Don’t you wanna run away?

Clint: Yeah, so Ned just, does just that, and he just happens to— he has a big coat on, and he just goes running in making this “WAAHHOOAAOOO” noise.

Griffin: Oookay, let’s roll plus charm…

Clint: It’s an 8.

Travis: [laughing] Mixed success…

Griffin: Okay, so this is great. On a mixed success they’ll do it, but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it. If you ask too much, they’ll tell you what, if anything, it would take for them to do it.

Travis: Hmmmm…

[laughter]

Justin: Alright, stop— [laughing] roleplay this conversation. I want— I think the problem with this breakdown is that we said someone, and it’s like a goat person. So I don’t know how they can sign or signal to Dad with body language—

Griffin: You know what, that’s fair— there’s actually a rule in the book that you explicitly can’t do this with monsters unless you have like a special monster skill that lets you talk with monsters. Justin is right, I fucked that up, because it says “for a normal person”— these are, these are, you know, these are monsters. I think it would be act under pressure. So we’ll keep that— we’ll keep that roll— on a seven to nine the keeper is going to give you a worse outcome, hard choice, or price to pay. Uhh, the price to pay is… uhh… he’s going to run into you, right? He’s charging at you at speed? You’re gonna take some harm, but the bigger thing that’s gonna happen is you’re standing right next to Duck, he is going to sort of get knocked over, and they will go away, but both of them will go away. You will sort of lose your captivity on the one goat. So you can either let both goats go away, or this isn’t going to work.

Clint: Hmm… alright, it doesn’t work.

Griffin: Oh? It’s going to be quite bad for you then.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: [laughs] Okay. He just charges you with the shears. Uhh, and—

Clint: And it really and truly doesn’t phase him at all? Okay…

Griffin: I mean, you didn’t really think that one— I mean—

Clint: [crosstalk] No, I didn’t really think that one through.

Griffin: You can admit that’s not your best plan [Clint: No.] that you’ve ever sort of done.

Clint: Well, no, no, it wasn’t… well, maybe—

Travis: [crosstalk] Can I— can I help out?

Clint: [crosstalk] Maybe the sight of blood will scare him off. Mine.

Travis: Can I help out, not like— I’m still, after all this time, not a hundred percent sure how help out works.

Griffin: Right, so basically if somebody’s on the cusp— right— if somebody rolls a 6 or a 9, and you want to get them up to the 7 mixed success range or the 10 full success range, then you can drive roll and give them a plus 1.

Travis: But that wouldn’t really help if he has an 8 or whatever he got.

Griffin: That is correct. Umm…

Travis: Well, then could I use magic to at least try to like, divert the shears?

Griffin: No, I’m— I— no. [Travis: Okay.] This is the way the game works, Dad [Travis: Okay.] you know, made the roll he made and I gave him a choice and he chose not to do it. Uhh, this thing just sort of— it doesn’t impale you with these shears. I think he just— actually— he doesn’t, he wants to get you the hell out of the way because you can tell this thing is charging at Billy.

And the one that is on the ground, Duck, that you are holding down— like, you kind of did a similar thing to Billy, this thing is acting way different. It is like, screaming and wrestling against you, and like its eyes are rolling back, it is like— it is furious at sort of Billy’s, sort of, existence right now and the other one is doing the same thing. So as it’s charging you, it doesn’t impale you, it just sort of like holds the shears by one handle and slashes at you, and the force of the slash like knocks you out of the way and you are also hit for 2 harm as it sort of just slashes you across the chest. And I think there’s like a puff of down that comes out of your coat as this thing, uh, sort of cuts it open.

Clint: Okay. So do I add that to the other 2 harm I already had?

Griffin: Uh, you should’ve been back at 0 I think, right, it’s been—

Clint: [crosstalk] Good, okay. 2 harm.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, we had some time.

Griffin: Yeah. Okay. Aubrey, now I think it’s—



Griffin: Yeah, this thing just bushido blades Ned to the ground.



Travis: So the situation as I understand it is right now I’m over Keith, [Griffin: Yep.] Keith is at least— [Griffin: Unconscious.] a little stabilized, and unconscious.

Griffin: Yeah, Keith is fine. I’ll give you— like you used your action to get Keith to be fine, I’m not gonna like cheat you out of that. He’s injured and he’s in a bad place, but he’s not gonna die.

Travis: Okay, I am going to use magic. [Griffin: Okay.] Um and I’m going to use force or wind, um, to— at the goatman’s legs.

Griffin: So this is your— this is your magical attack, right?

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: Then you just roll to Kick Some Ass, um, so you roll plus weird and then we’ll resolve it from there. Wow, damn! Good rolls…

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah so that’s…

Griffin: [crosstalk] Aubrey got a 10 on that roll.

Travis: I got a 10!

Griffin: Okay! Uh, you blast this thing, uh, how much— how much harm do you do?

Travis: Um with the—

Griffin: Give me your tags, like you got blast… You have not used a magical attack in a while.

Travis: Yeah, plus 1 magical harm forceful to a base and my base is 2 harm.

Griffin: Okay. Alright, so this is 3 harm right?

Travis: Yup.

Griffin: Okay, you get an extra effect right? Because you rolled— uh, you got a 10. So you can gain the advantage, take plus one forward, give one to another hunter, you inflict terrible harm plus one harm, you suffer less harm, or you force them where you want them.

Travis: I’m gonna say I force them where I want them, ‘cause I wanna knock them down.

Griffin: Yeah I mean, you’re gonna do that. Um, you step in the way of this goatman and he tries to do the same thing to you that he did with Ned, but like, right as the shears sort of slash against you for 2 harm, which I think you block some of right? Because your magic— magic vest…

Travis: [crosstalk] Yes, correct, so I take one harm.

Griffin: You sort of hold out your hands and like just as he comes in contact with you— I actually like the image of you like holding out your hands and as he’s like charging you, he like finds himself slowed by the wind that is like coming out of your hands and just as you like lay hands on him, he goes— goes flying. Is that kind of what you’re wanting to do? Just like knock him away? [Travis: Yeah!] Uh, you knock him away and he just— he— he fucking goes dude. He goes— he goes flying into the distance and you actually— he is like flying horizontal he collides with a tree sort of backwards and bends kind of around the tree a bit, uh, and you hear sort of a crack as he does so and then he falls to the ground.

Travis: Oh goodness.

Griffin: Uh, and—

Travis: [crosstalk] For three harm?

Griffin: Yep.



Griffin: This thing is a— this thing is a minion so they are not going to be the hardiest of fighters.

Travis: … Okay.



Griffin: Billy looks kind of stunned, for a second? And starts to walk towards his felled— uh, former companion. And then he’s kind of like, shaken out of whatever primal instinct he seems to have, uh, and he starts to walk over to where Keith is lying on the ground. Duck, we gotta like, resolve this ‘cause you are still on top of this thing— and now that it just saw one of its companions go down, it is freaking out. It is starting to… it is starting to fight against you for real— for real.

Justin: Um. I’m gonna try to— punch it… in the— head, so it goes unconscious.

Griffin: [laughs] Okay.

Justin: No sword yet. I mean, I’m not— Beacon's staying sheathed. He would love to get up in this, I’m sure, but I am just gonna— I’m just trying to knock this thing out.

Griffin: Uh… I mean, this has to be a Kick Some Ass, right? And it— I think if you do enough unarmed harm to it, you can, y’know, elect to make it unconscious rather than… just kill it.

Justin: Uh, I… I feel like I should have some sort of advantage. I feel like if you’re laying on top of something…

Griffin: Yeah, I’ll give you— I’ll give you +1 for— [Justin: Kicking its ass—] I think you set that up with your— well, no, ‘cause you didn't really choose that with your former… right? If you had chosen “You gain the advantage and take +1 Forward”, I’d give it to you, but you didn't—

Justin: [crosstalk] That's fair… yeah, that’s—

Travis: [crosstalk] “So fuck off.”

Griffin: This thing's— this thing’s bigger and stronger than you, so it can— it is not unreasonable that it can just like, kick you off and… run away.

Justin: Okay… well.

Griffin: Holy shit, it's not gonna do that! So, these fuckin’ rolls, that’s a 12!

Justin: A 12 on that one.

Griffin: Alright. Uh.

Travis: I’d like that you say “these rolls”, but I'm looking at this line, Griffin. Yeah, there’s a 10 and a 10 and a 12, but there’s also a 7, an 8, and a 3.

Griffin: Yeah, 3 is… 3 was rough. Okay, um. Yeah. You do deal harm to each other, uh, I think—

Travis: [crosstalk] [laughs] I picture them headbutting each other.

Griffin: No, I think what it is, is— this thing does get the upper-hand for a second, and kind of rolls on top of you, and punches you. Uh, and you take some harm, that is just— negated by your armor, because you're awesome. And then you roll back on top of it, and— uh, clobber it. What's your extra effect here?

Justin: I’m gonna— um… “Take one forward.”

Griffin: … or “Give plus one forward to another hunter”?

Justin: Sure. That’s— that’s the one.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Alright. Uh, this thing is looking pretty— pretty beat-up, at this point. But, it is not, uh… quite unconscious yet.

Justin: I'm really strugglin’, because I feel like interactions with Billy— I’ve humanized these things a lot more, and I’m really struggling with this fight, because I feel like… if they were just monstrosities, I would have already gotten… y’know—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, for sure.

Justin: [crosstalk] Maybe get on a little bit of the snicker-snack. (This is a reference to The Jabberwocky)

Griffin: I mean, I— I don’t hate that, right? Like, these things have been uh, sort of vilified since the— the 80s when they first started showing up in Kepler, and they have been sort of dealt with with extreme prejudice, and for the first time, you all kind of like… turned one? So like, uh… This— this being doesn’t seem to be as amenable to peaceful talks— [Justin: Probably can’t hang.] as Billy was, uh—

Justin: Uh, this one can’t chill— probably has zero chill [Griffin: Yeah.] on this one.

Griffin: Okay. uh—

Justin: We should have a chill rating for these monsters.

Griffin: Okay, this one is— zero. Billy is chill as hell, um… chill AF, this one is— is not.

Justin: Now Griffin, are you sure you wanna use zero chill…

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: [laughing] …already? Seems like we're gonna be—

Travis: [crosstalk] Like this as low as the chill gets, Griffin?

Griffin: Yeah, okay, the—

Justin: [crosstalk] Seems like—

Griffin: The beast monster that absorbed forest animals and tried to murder you as like a— in the form of an 8-foot bear, that one had no fucking chill whatsoever.

Travis: [crosstalk] Okay— so this is like a 4?

Justin: It's like a 4!

Griffin: [crosstalk] It's like a 2 “chill”.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: This is like a 2— okay. Wow, it’s a big scale!

Griffin: Yeah. Um… Ned, I think it’s you, ‘cause all you’ve done so far is get stabbed.

Clint: So—

[laughter]

Justin: Drag him.

Clint: So, other than— other than bleeding in somebody’s face— Okay, so… Is Duck still… holding down… the goatman?

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: Okay, so then Ned— he’s going to use the… [drawn out] Chicane Cane… And— and whack the goatman in the head.

Griffin: Golf swing? Okay.

Clint: Yeah, it’s gonna be— it looks like it’s about a par three…

Griffin: [crosstalk] Sure. Okay,

Clint: So he’s just going to rear back and I mean— for one thing, Ned’s a little mad because he’s— he’s wounded. [crosstalk] Besides—

Travis: [crosstalk] And his good coat was ruined.

Clint: And it’s not like it’s— y’know, a really brave move ‘cause he’s— being held down. [Griffin: Yeah, okay—] He’s basically attacking a— y’know, a helpless creature.

Griffin: Roll to uh, Kick Some Ass— plus tough.

Clint: “Kick Some Ass”… plus tough, which is zero… And that would be… [pause] Shit.

Griffin: Oh, 7’s a mixed success. You’re fine.

Clint: [sarcastically] Oh, great! Oh, great, more mixed success!

Griffin: Uh… On a 7+, you all inflict harm on each other— um… I don’t— I don’t— this is not applicable; Duck is holding him down, you do a golf swing with your club before he can inflict any harm on you. [crosstalk] I mean—

Clint: [crosstalk] Well I mean, he could pull a hammy or somethin’!

Griffin: [crosstalk] He’s teetering on the edge. Uh, he—

Travis: Or, the cane could break.

Griffin: Uh, no— this isn’t like a...“I can do something bad”, this is just like— how this normally works is you guys deal harm to each other. Um… [stammering] You swing this club down, and— knock him out.

Clint: Okay? And what happens to Ned?

Travis: He slips as he’s doing it—

[laughter]

Griffin: Yeah, you—

Clint: [yelling] My back!

Griffin: You twist your shoulder good. Um— no, I don’t think— I’m not gonna deal any harm to you here. Uh— okay! That’s it, I mean— you have one goat-man unconscious, one… seemingly dead, and Aubrey and Billy are dragging Keith back to the truck— uh, I’m guessing to get him to St. Francis Medical Center?

Travis: Uh, no. We’re taking him to the infirmary in the— in… I almost said “Great Wolf Lodge”— but, Keith— he knows far too much.

Griffin: Okay. Uh…

Clint: Isn’t that more of a pet hospital, though?

Griffin: [strained] It is, so—

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: You’ll have to deal with that— um… Oh, what else— what are the other two of you doing? Just taking off? Going with?

Justin: Uh— yeah well, we should stick together, I think.

Griffin: Okay.



Clint: Bring him.

Justin: [sarcastic] Yeah, we’ll just keep building our menagerie—

Travis: Goodness gracious.

Justin: Um— seems unnecessary…

Clint: [goading] Yeah, c’mon!



Travis: [crosstalk] We’re gonna have to build a second basement.















[Griffin laughs]



Griffin: …What?

Travis: He’s in woods jail!

Justin: He was in woods jail! We— Let’s chain him up!

Travis: We’re not gonna leave him here. We’ll come back, but like— I don’t want him to wake up in the back of the truck.

Griffin: [crosstalk] … Alright.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Alright. Yeah you chain him up. Uhhh as you are—

Justin: I have a great idea. I have a great idea.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay. Okay.

Justin: I wanna put him in the truck and then I’m going to take him to Indrid. Let the two of them kick it.

Travis: [laughter]

Justin: See if he could get anything out of him.

Griffin: Indrid…

Travis: [crosstalk] So like chain him up, but be like, “Hey here’s the goat, he’s all chained up.”

Justin: [crosstalk] “You’re gonna stay at my friends Indrid’s house.” [laughs]

Griffin: You chain him up and— I’m assuming you and Ned— like this is a big thing probably need help, uh, dragging his weight back to the RV park. Uh, you drag him back and as you are all sort of like getting loaded up, when you look inside the Winnebago, it is actually— it has been all cleaned up. Uh, and, uh Indrid is like unplugging the RV from the utilities hook up at the at the RV park. And he says:











Travis: And I point to broken leg-unconscious guy.





Justin: Are you talking about Keith? Are you saying we’re gonna kill Keith?

Travis: I’m not saying we’re gonna kill Keith! But—

Griffin: [crosstalk] This is— This is the conversation right? Like, Indrid says:









Travis: [crosstalk] And maybe you all like have advanta— adventures out there on the road, maybe.



Griffin: Um…



Griffin: I think you would realize that that wouldn’t work just because these, uh, abominations can’t… be outside of the one mile perimeter of the— of the archway. So like if he did this, I don’t even know what would happen, as he passes through the archway, like [chuckles], would the goatman just like turn to ash in his car? That might be an upsetting experience for Indrid.

I— I— wanna actually wanna back up, because I th— it felt like Aubrey was trying to convince him to stay, which would probably be a manipulate someone roll. I don’t wanna just like, you know, force him out of the story if you can make a case for why he should stick around and it— [Travis: Yeah!] sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do so I wanna, like, give you the agency to do that.

Justin: I’m not gonna back Aubrey’s play though if her action— her “To-Be” verb is “will kill Keith to keep moth friend.” I cannot…

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m not saying I’ll kill Keith. Listen, I’m telling you right now, like, there’s a lot on the line here and frankly, we’ve already got like— we’ve got Billy that we’re covering for and gonna have to take care of, we’ve got what’s-his-face in the basement, like, we’re covering up a lot of shit here at this point. I don’t think ‘to murder’ [Griffin: Okay.] has to be the only solution we’ve got. [Griffin: Yeah.] And like…

Griffin: Ye— y— you’re— you’re good. I think roll to manipulate someone, the, sort of, stakes being like, “I will take care of this. I will—”

Travis: 11!

Griffin: Holy shit! Alright, uh, on a 10+, uh, they’ll do it for the reason you gave ‘em. He nervously, like, tosses his keys up in the air, like, and catches them over and over again and he says:







Griffin: And he heads back inside the Winnebago. Uh…



Griffin: [quickly] He pokes his head back out—











Griffin: He says,



Griffin: Uh and he—



[snickering in background]





Clint: [laughs] You’ve thought about that for a month haven’t ya?

Travis: No, [Clint laughs] it just occurred to me.

Justin: Oh! Jona— Jonathan Gru— Gruf— okay. Very goo—

Griffin: And then the scene suddenly ends. [laughter]

{Ad break from 42:28 - 48:15}

Griffin: Uh, you three? Four? Five? [Travis: Yeah five…] If Keith counts ‘cause he’s—

Travis: And I think Barclay is probably there too at this point. He’s been…

Griffin: Six? And, um…

Travis: Thacker’s there too, but I don’t know if you count him.

Griffin: Seven? Yeah, the— the— all of you are, uh, back in the Pine Guard headquarters under Amnesty Lodge. And you have brought Keith to the infirmary— I’m just gonna like… I want to support you, Travis, as a player and as my brother. I don’t know— [chuckles] stitching up, like uh, a stab wound I can— I think is within the realm of possibilities, setting a broken leg is maybe not? But, uh—

Travis: Well I assume we’ve got some painkillers or something right? Some kind of, [Griffin: Okay.] like I actually— I don’t think my goal right now is to fix him.

Griffin: Jesus Christ! Okay… This is going to—

Travis: You gotta let me play it out.

Griffin: —Yeah for sure, for sure. Ok I think that. I— I wanna give you all a sort of investigation time during this part so umm, if you wanna like set that up, then I think this is the time to do it. But you all are sort of here and uhh the situation is fairly calm, I mean Thacker is still in the panic room and you all are going to eventually need to feed him or whatever the fuck. But uhh I guess you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.

Travis: Uhh so Keith is still unconscious so we’re all just kinda standing around looking at him I guess like—

Griffin: You’re all sort of [Duck: Alright.] praying— you’re praying over Keith in this moment.







Clint: [laughing]









Justin: —this is my, this is my— [Clint: Pizza!] — gritty Scooby Doo reboot 2018, Ned is Shaggy, Billy is Scooby uhhh— [Griffin: This is— this is— ] [Travis: I— I call—]

Clint: [crosstalk] [imitating Shaggy] Goshh, c’mon Billy.

Justin: Let’s get that— let’s get that art— [laughs] Twitter get that art into my box, post haste. Julia!! I need fanart of my Dad as Shaggy, and this goat man as Scooby.

Clint: [laughing]

Justin: Uhh— [Griffin: Uhh] — and then we uhh— and then—

Griffin: Aubrey needs to murder this boy.







Clint: Or a great, big Audrey. "Feed me, Seymour!"

Justin: Wait, that doesn't make any sense what you just said. [Clint: I know it doesn't.] Audrey is—

Clint: Audrey was the plant.

Justin: Yeah, but—

Clint: [crosstalk] Audrey II was—

Justin: [crosstalk] We already—

Travis: [crosstalk] Audrey II—

Justin: We already have an Audrey. On our team.

Travis: I'm Aubrey.

Justin: Aub— drey.

Clint: Oh, that would be confusing.

Justin: No, but it's just what I'm saying. It'd be confusing.







Griffin: All right. I believe that's— And then the scene suddenly ends. [laughing] That's such a powerful card, why have I never played that one before? It could have gotten me out of so many scrapes these past few years. Uhm, no, I mean, I think what happens is Ned and Duck leave to go— and Billy leave to do their respective things. And why don't we just stick with the scene of Aubrey now, uh, over Keith, who is starting to sort of be— be— be— what's the verb I'm looking for? [incomprehensible] [Travis: Rousing.] Be— be rousing back to consciousness.

Travis: I'm going to say that in the meantime I have somehow strapped down Keith's legs so that in his like waking up he won't like thrash around and—

Justin: [crosstalk] You want it to be quick and painless.

Travis: I’m not gonna kill Keith!

Griffin: Okay, all right, Dexter. Uh. He wakes up—

Clint: [crosstalk] Put plastic down!

Justin: Yeah, don’t make a mess.

Griffin: He looks kinda groggy. [Travis: Hello, Keith.] He says,

















Griffin: He tries to get up and…



Griffin: I mean he immediately like winces and says,









Griffin: He— he—



Griffin: I think you need to do something here because he is like, he has started to… for sure yell for help. He realizes he’s been kidnapped and of course that’s like first thing—

Travis: I’m gonna do something I’ve always wanted to do in real life.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: Aubrey snaps her fingers and her right hand ignites in flame.

Griffin: Uh… Okay. [Travis giggles] You’re trying to like intimidate him. I don’t think this is a roll. This would be intimidating for anyone. [Travis: Yep!] Uh— He— he— he stops his shouting and looks at your hand and he says,





Griffin: He like smiles and like immediately winces again and like reaches for his leg, and he says,



Travis: Aubrey starts lowering her hand towards his face.





Griffin: He nods.



Griffin: This is a Manipulate Someone. And it’s a— it— I think this is like a pretty big one. [Clint: A damn good one.] Right? This is— this is— this is— uh… determining whether or not he’s gonna keep this secret or not. And the thing you’re giving him is not being burned alive. From the inside out.

Travis: Correct… No.

Griffin: Yeah, oh…

Travis: Uh… How much luck do I have left?

Griffin: I mean you still have… luck.

Travis: Yeah, I’m gonna use a luck, this is very important.

Griffin: I would say this is. If not now— [Travis: Right.] If not now, then when?

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m gonna burn my luck, yeah.

Griffin: [crosstalk] I could take a hard move that could be pretty fucking hard. [Travis: Yeah.] Okay, go ahead and mark it in the character sheet.

Travis: I did.

Griffin: All right. You’re over halfway through your luck. And again—

Travis: Does that also give me experience if you use luck? Or is that like “you use luck and it’s an automatic success”?

Griffin: It doesn’t, it doesn’t. You don’t get experience.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: It’s a success. Uhm… He… He takes a beat and he… and I think his— his p— pride is like more than his pain. Like, keeping him from making this decision. He does not like somebody sort of lording power over him. But he says,





Griffin: He… I think slumps back down to the table, and…

Travis: And when he slumps back down, like the fire immediately goes out of Aubrey’s hand and she just starts shaking. Like you know that like— brave face— ‘Cause like, I’d picture myself in this scenario of like. She was bluffing. I mean, I— I— I think that using her magic to hurt someone…

Griffin: Yeah, for sure.

Travis: And so I think that this adrenaline then of like “thank god it fucking worked”. You know? Like shaking and she slumps, too. You know [Griffin: Yeah.] and like, pretty exhausted.

Travis: [crosstalk] I just wanna establish like—

Griffin: [crosstalk] For sure, like— like and it definitely does work. Like you— you— I think the next things that happen and they don’t have to happen on-screen. You get him to the hospital and he does as you say and does not put everybody on blast.

Uhm… Let’s do Duck next. Duck, when you go looking for Juno you realize she’s on service in the Monongahela Forest, tonight. And when you get to the ranger station that you all sort of operate out of, one of the walkie-talkies has— is like— she— she’s not there. And one of the walkie-talkies has been pulled out of the charging cradle where all the walkie-talkies are. And so you call out to her in order to find her. Unless you all share some sort of telepathic link, I think this like the most narratively logical way for you to find her. And she tells you where she is.

She is… she is in like this grove of trees just off one of the main paths through the forest. It’s actually fairly close to the ranger station where you’re at. Uh… It’s sort of late evening as you get into the grove where she is. And… There is a, you know, bright moonlight overhead and you both are— She’s carrying a lantern, you’ve got a flashlight and you see her as you walk into this grove. She sounded kind of upset on the radio and as you arrive you see… you see why.

All around this grove are signs of just petty vandalism. There’s uh… you know graffiti that’s gone up on some of the trees surrounding you. There are chunks that have been crudely chopped out of a handful of pine trees all around this grove. And you find Juno bent over a stump and she’s laboring with something. She’s using a claw hammer to try and pry these long copper nails, almost like these long copper spikes, that someone has pounded into a stump. And she looks up at you as you enter the grove and she says,





Griffin: She wipes her nose like on her jacket sleeve. And gets to work trying to like pry these copper nails out of the stump again. She says,





Griffin: Okay!

Justin: And uh… I wanna try to pull one out, I guess. I’m not saying that like she can’t just— there’s probably other things. [crosstalk] For her to do so...

Griffin: Yeah, I mean there’s lots to do around here. So uh… Fine. Yeah, you— I mean you very uh… I mean it takes a bit, right? There’s like a dozen of these like long, thick, copper nails. Not like railroad spikes, more like sort of like crochet needles that have been pounded into this stump. And you are able to sort of pull them out with this claw hammer fairly easily. And she starts walking around picking up trash and throwing it into a bag. She says,









Griffin: [laughing]

Travis: WHAT!?



Travis: You know how kids always get high and [laughing] play roller hockey.

Justin: [crosstalk] There’s a fucking teenager, what do you want?

Griffin: She laughs and she says,







Griffin: Uh And she like, walks around and uh… uh… sort of surveys the damage to one tree that’s kinda had some, some bark stripped off of it. Umm, she says,





Griffin: She… this is— [laughs] [Travis: I— I— just want to say—] —this is one of Duck’s better lies, [Travis: Yeah.] I mean, I’m impressed. Um she says,





Travis: [laughing]



Griffin: She— she reaches into her jacket like, just like staring at you like, takes out like a piece of gum. Pops it into her mouth. And she says,





Griffin: She laughs and like finishes picking up the detritus all around. And she says,





Griffin: I almost think this is “Investigate a Mystery”, right? Like—

Justin: It is. In the clumsiest way possible.

Griffin: Yeah. Go ahead and roll Investigate a Mystery.

Justin: Uh sorry, what skill does that go up against?

Griffin: Sharp… Good god a 13. These— 13, 10, 10, 12, 11, 13.

Travis: [crosstalking] Well, here’s the deal, Duck.

Griffin: Yes, you’re [stuttering] you do the, like, universe mind meme and know everything. Well, you get to ask questions, right? So let’s see. You, on a 10+ hold two. So “What happened here?”, “What kind of creature is it?”, “What can it do?”, What can hurt it?”, “Where did it go?”, “What’s being concealed here?”, “What was it going to do?”

Justin: “What’s being concealed here?”, I think is the way I wanna go.

Griffin: Okay. Uhm… Hm. I can tell you, and this is, I think this is you acting on like what you know about sort of protecting the forest. The copper spikes that you’re holding and the hammer that you’re holding, it’s like— it’s almost apocryphal, it’s almost like a myth. But there is, you know, mythos about pounding a copper nail into a tree is enough to kill it. And so like, the thing—

Justin: Kill what?

Griffin: A tree.

Justin: Okay, oh. Right.

Griffin: So the thing that you’re holding in your hand, like you remember that. That just sort of jumps to mind from your memory as a ranger. I think the other thing that you know is not being concealed is anything about Juno. She’s not a secret crime fighter. She’s not a, you know, weapon of destiny. She’s just your friend and coworker at the ranger service.

Travis: Oh, so that’s like the weakness. Is the copper, ‘cause we’re fighting the big plant thing, probably.

Griffin: Just put it up on the table there.

Justin: So, why would they target Juno? To keep me from figuring this out? Okay. Okay.

Travis: It has future-seeing powers too, got it. Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You do still have one more question. But I also— I mean, I almost think one of these questions was also kind of just answered.

Justin: Uh… I’m gonna use one more question.

Griffin: Okay.









Justin: [crosstalk] Can I be honest? [Griffin: Yeah] I kinda thought the virtual camera would pan away after I said “can I have all these nails”.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay, yes it does.

Justin: I didn’t think we needed me to continue to talk about the context in which...

Griffin: Yeah, sure. Okay. Let’s jump to Ned to wrap things up. You are wandering through the woods at night with Billy, your trusty goat friend and companion. What’s this look like?

Clint: Uhm… I was thinking that maybe we were driving?

Griffin: In what?

Clint: In Ned’s Sno-Cat.

Griffin: Okay, I like that.

Clint: It’s the Sno-Cat Tucker-Terra 1643RE. 173 horsepower, got a 67” insulated 8 person cab.

Griffin: That seems like a lot.

Clint: Heated exterior rearview mirror.

Griffin: This is like the fucking truck from The Thing.

Clint: That’s right! But it exists, and it’s mine.

Griffin: Okay, but I’m saying, like, I don’t know that you could drive what it is [Clint: Sure!] through the woods. Okay.

Clint: Sure, you don’t have to follow roads with the sno-cat.

Griffin: All right, that’s fine. You’re driving—

Clint: So we’re driving in— an— you know, Billy periodically will point in some direction and say “Pizza”. And that’s how Ned knows where to go.

Griffin: “Pizza” means east, “Duck” means north. I feel you. All right. Yeah, I think that uh… you all already did the convincing. I’m not gonna make you keep doing that, you already kind of convinced Billy to reveal a little bit about what it is that they are growing.

Clint: And I gave him back his watch. So he looks like Ryan Gosling again.

Griffin: Okay, cool. Ryan Gosling grabs your arm as you are driving and says uh…

Travis: “I love you, Clint. And I’ve always loved you.”

Griffin: “I’ve always loved you.”

Travis: “Kiss me!”

Griffin: He says,



Griffin: And like holds up a hand like “stop”.

Clint: Okay, so I bring that big behemoth to a stop.

Griffin: Okay, and the lights are still like on and shining down on the ground. And Billy hops out of the cab. What is Billy like… What is Billy wearing? Did somebody give Billy clothes? We—

Clint: Yes, I’ve got him wearing the Chewbacca outfit.

Griffin: We maybe haven’t answered this yet, and Ned doesn’t necessarily have to be the answerer of it. This is more a group question. But where does...where’s Billy gonna live? You know what, no. I like that scene too much. We’re not gonna just do that out of character. We’ll answer that eventually. I want the “Who gets to put up Billy” scene.

He hops out. And he’s wearing, I guess, the Wookie costume which is nice and warm [Clint: Yeah!] and also probably a little bit wet. And he is just kind of trudging through the snow that’s still on the ground. And every few feet or so you see him stop and brush snow away, looking for the forest floor. And he like beckons you to hop out and look with him.

Clint: So Ned hops out, a little gingerly because he’s still recovering from the horrible stab wound that he suffered—

Griffin: It was more of a slash wound, and go ahead and heal one harm from that because time has passed and I think— it was not a very serious wound—

Clint: Well maybe not to you!

Griffin: —you probably got fixed up in the infirmary also, so go ahead and get rid of one of those harms.

Clint: Okay. And, you know, is kind of following along in the snow behind Billy, kind of looking around— is this— I know Ned would be investigating a mystery, [Griffin: For sure.] I know that’s gotta be what he’s here to do—

Griffin: And because you have, like, a guide, I would definitely give you plus one forward on that roll.

Clint: Okay. But does he want to use it now, or just continue to follow Billy—?

Griffin: Yeah, we can use it to inform this entire scene. Like, that’s how this game works is like, you do this roll and it sort of figures out what the scene’s gonna look like. So I definitely think that rolling it now is the way to go.

Clint: Okay. So we’re gonna Investigate a Mystery—

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: — And… Oh, please, let me have a decent roll.

Travis: You can do it, Dad.

Clint: Thirteen!

Griffin: Good lord, okay.

Clint: Now, that is with— that is with my sharp and with the one point advantage you gave me.

Griffin: Uh, yes.

Travis: So Dad sees everything.

Griffin: I don’t know if we’ve talked about this— I fixed Roll 20 and now it’s working for us in amazing, incredible ways. So that’s a dope roll, so now you get to ask two questions: “What happened here,” “What sort of creature is it,” “What can it do,” “What can hurt it,” “Where did it go,” “What was it gonna do,” “What is being concealed here.” I will tell you that pretty much all of these are on the table because you’re— you are in an important investigation right now.

Clint: I think, um… We have to have something to investigate, right?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, I mean you— you will— the investigation is you going around the woods with Billy and him showing you around. [crosstalk]

Clint: Then I think that the first question would be, “What is being concealed here?”

Griffin: Uh, okay. Yeah, I have an answer to that. You and Billy sort of go around this clearing that you’ve stopped in and you’re just sort of trying to follow his lead, and just brushing dirt out of— or, brushing snow out of the way and looking for something and after a few minutes you do find something. You— your hand hits something solid as you are brushing and it is— it is thick and as you sort of excavate it from the snow— what you see is a root that is just kind of— just barely sort of sticking out of the ground. It almost, like it sort of reached up from underground and then poked back down below. It is— I mean it’s super thick, like you cannot wrap your hand around it. It just looks like sort of a tree root at the base of a tree but it’s like in the middle of nowhere. This tree, like the bark on it, is like bright white. Not like a, uh, not like a white— what is it, like a cedar tree? What— there’s types of trees, that like—

Travis: Birch?

Griffin: A birch? Yes. I don’t know shit about trees, I don’t know why I did this fucking arc, but—

Travis: No, no way!

Griffin: But, yeah, it’s not like that, it is, like, bright white. And you find one of those and Billy like— Billy bleats and calls you over and he found another one. And then you all look around more and you find another one still and what is peculiar is all three of them seem to be pointing in the same direction, almost like you can triangulate if you, like, follow where they are pointing, you can kind of follow the trail of roots that these things have. That is what is being literally concealed here by the snow.

Clint: Can Ned save his next question? Can he follow— can they follow the roots and then ask the question when they arrive wherever they’re gonna arrive?

Griffin: Yes, for sure. Billy starts walking on foot— I think the thicket here is getting a lot thicker, so much so that your Sno-Cat could not necessarily roar over it. Not only that, like it would be tough to follow this path of roots—

Travis: Well Griffin, a thicket’s no trick. The trick is to pick it apart with a stick.

[Clint snorts, giggles]

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: See? I knew that somebody would do Into the Woods.

Griffin: Yes, for sure.

Travis: Yeah, you’re welcome, you’re welcome everyone.

Clint: So Ned activates the security system on the Sno-Cat.



[Laughter]





Clint: So Ned’s whacking through the thicket with his sticket and following Billy, who I guess isn’t having quite as much trouble getting through the brush, right?

Griffin: Uh, no. Billy knows the way now. He is taking you through the thicket and you two are just kind of, with some effort, working your way through it and pushing past bushes and brush and squeezing between pine trees and it’s becoming, like, so thick that you can’t— you can barely see the sky through the canopy above. And after a few minutes of working your way through like this, Billy holds out an arm and stops you, and puts a finger up to his mouth and then points just forward, just past the thicket. You are sort of hidden from it but you can see through the brush into the other side. And what you see is another clearing.

[music]

Griffin: Right away you see one of the goatmen holding the shears, the one that you originally had assumed to be dead. He is— he looks awful, he is sort of slumped over this massive tree in the center of this clearing. And sure enough you see, like, all of these white roots leading up to the tree, and they are sort of twisted and gnarled and form this dome at its base, reaching up. And this thing is, like, redwood huge. And it’s not a pine tree, which is bizarre. You can tell this is a cottonwood tree. It is bright white all over. Its bark is bright white. Its leaves are dark black.

Another thing that is sort of strange about this tree is its sort of, like, composition of its branches. There is something sort of symmetrical about the way that they split off. It looks more like a— like a map of a nervous system more than it looks like a cottonwood tree. And this injured goatman is there and is pouring some bags of fertilizer on its roots and trying to tend to it as much as it can, but it looks like it is sort of having a rough time. That is what you see. You still have one question.

Clint: What can it do?

Griffin: Yep. The tree shudders. And as it does so, the goatman and Billy both kind of, like, snap to attention and you start to hear this sickening cracking sound. And as you look up towards the boughs of the tree you see one— still like particularly large bough that hasn’t like split off into this very, very intricate pattern of symmetrical branches. This bough starts to split in half long-wise. It is like it is tearing itself in half. Uh, and as it does so, it releases these spores— what appear to be spores, and as they start falling down on you, you actually realize that they are cottonwood seeds. And you also realize that this entire time, whenever these things have happened, it hasn’t been snow that’s been falling on you, it has been the seeds of this massive tree.

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

Griffin: And as this bough splits and forms another sort of intricate pattern of these symmetrical branches, you hear a cracking sound immediately over your head. You see that an old, dead pine tree has snapped— [beat] and is falling right towards you.