Ep. 33: The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Five/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone…

Justin: Alright, I cast Charm Person on Klaarg.



Griffin: The dwarf opens up his helmet and a thick cloud of smoke comes out.



Justin: [laughing] Excuse me?

Griffin: This big crystal golem holds out one of its long, sharp claws, and points it at... Merle.



Griffin: A robot, about the size, and uh, shape, of a car engine--



Travis: It doesn’t it have an “L” in it?



Griffin: Uh, the central pillar in the room that is now completely crystallized, begins to groan.

Travis: [giggles] Sorry, did you say “Billy Crystal-ize”?

Griffin: [loudly] Alright, that’s the end of the episode.

Justin: We’re Billy Crystallized!

Clint: No!

Justin: [Billy Crystal impression] You look marvelous [pronounced mah-velous]!

[All laughing]



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

Travis: At what point, Griffin-- we haven’t um, solidified the structure of the episode, now, 33 in-- what point do we get to talk about, like our theories about what is going on, and like, fan theories-- is that in the after-show?

Griffin: Yeah, that’s uh, after the final... roll. No wait-

Justin: In “The Adventure Zone” Zone.

Travis: Uh huh.

[Clint laughing]

Travis: Hosted by Chris Hardwick [host of the Talking Dead].

Justin: The ‘The Adventure Zone’ Zone.

Griffin: Yeah, uh, we’ll talk about him there, we’ll get some like, famous guests that love the program, I’m talking about people like, David Duchovny, I’m talking about people like-

Justin: Flava Flav.

Griffin: Flavors...

Travis: Like Fla-vid Duchovny.

Griffin: Flavid Duchovny.

Justin: Flavid Duchov-a-ny!

Griffin: Yeah, when they both stepped into the teleporter experiment that was at that high school, but something went terribly awry, and they became one sort of slime man.

Travis: The whole gang.

Griffin: No, you know, the whole gang of people who like and listen to and enjoy our show.

Griffin: Um, so yes, uh, the-- the room has just been crystallized, this, uh, the central pillar is, uh, this white light has moved into it, and it has started to groan, and these large cracks are starting to form in it. Uh, and it’s starting to make some pretty... gnarly, uh, noises? Just to give you a reminder, this room that you’re in, uh, there’s the-- the door into the uh... shit, what was the last room you were in?

Travis: We went to-- okay, we were in Lucas’s bedroom.

Griffin: Uh, right, so there’s the door to Lucas’s bedroom, there’s the door to the room you came through from Hodgepodge, and then there’s the door leading inward. Um, into the--

Travis: [crosstalk] And isn’t there a mystery door?

Griffin: Oh, yes, and there is a fourth mystery door that you could not get through because it was inactive.

Travis: Even if I chop it real hard?

Griffin: Um... I mean, you can certainly try, you can do whatever you want. I was accused of railroading-- viciously in the Reddit.

Travis: [smugly] Was that on the train episode?

Justin: [“why would you do that to yourself” voice] Why are you reading the Reddit?

Travis: Well, I read the Reddit so I can figure out what’s going on.

Justin: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, if everybody could just--

Travis: That’s where I get all my theories from.

Justin: Yeah, stop giving us all your really smart fan theories.

Travis: I figured the whole thing out now.

Griffin: But folks, it makes nobody feel worse than me, because they’re so much better than my own shit. [Travis laughing]

Justin: Yeah. But then, people suggest-

Travis: [crosstalk] I think of Griffin going, “Oh yeah!,” and then writing that down.

Justin: But then people suggest things that they think I will do, and then I read them and I think I should do that, and it turns into this stranger-than-fiction, self-fulfilling-prophecy.

Griffin: Yeah, exactly.

Travis: [crosstalk] I love it-- Okay, I would like to, before we run out of the room, try and chop on the mystery room.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Just so I can feel like I’ve done something.

Griffin: Yeah, sure, uh, the, yeah, sure.

Travis: [crosstalk] What would it be?

Griffin: Well, the door is-- it would just be a melee attack-- the door hasn’t been crystallized, um, because it’s-- it’s protected by the airlock seal, um, so yeah. Uh, it’s just like not, it’s not active, it’s not-

Travis: Well, I rolled a 12 plus 7, so 19.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, that’s a-- that’s good enough to uh, to wedge your axe in there, make a lil’-- make a lil’ hole. Um, and through that hole, um, you can see through the airlock, um, the --it’s, it’s open, actually, on the other side, and through that hole you can peek into what looks like, another sort of private residence. Like another sort of private sleeping chambers, much like the room, um, that you were in just before, in Lucas’s room, only it’s not lit up at all, um... it’s uh, it’s a bit... it does look derelict, but it is definitely a, um, a dormitory of some sort.

Justin: Like did…

Travis: Okay, great, let’s get out of here.

Justin: Did the nurse ‘bot see that?

Griffin: Uh yeah, she said, uh:



Griffin: Carey-- Carey Pietsch who does all of the wonderful art for our show, did this amazing, uh, drawing of her? And her sort of, uh, like, uh... I, um, I’m just going to say it, scrumbled-together nature--

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: And there is a great-- the best thing about it, there’s a little, a lil label on her that says, uh, N-O period, like number, one-thr- no, 3113. Like NO.3113 (Noelle).

Travis: Very good.

Griffin: It’s fucking perfect... like that’s fucking canon. Anyway, yeah. You’re in this room, this central pillar is starting to crack.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, let’s skedaddle.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Should we do a skedaddle check?

Griffin: Uh, if you want.

Travis: Ohh, critical mi-- no, I got a 17 skedaddle.

Griffin: Uh oh, you skedoople.

Travis: [laughing] Oh no!

Griffin: You fall over.

Travis: I skedoodled.

Griffin: Uh, where are you going-- what are you doing?

Travis: At the airlock, like, the one place we’re supposed to keep going, right?

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Like, my other option is back into Lucas’s room, take a nap, and hope that it doesn’t collapse? Is that an option?

Griffin: Yeah, so you-- you’re making your way in towards the middle of the lab.

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: Okay, so you make your way into that airlock leading into the centre of the lab, um, and as you sort of clear that airlock and get inside of it, the, uh, the central pillar in the middle of the room just kind of explodes, sending shards of crystal shrapnel, uh, all over the room, um, although they just kinda stop in mid-air, right in front of the airlock that you came through, um, and the curious thing about like, the shards as they’re stuck in mid-air, is they form almost a perfect, like, dwarf shape, um, as if they were all targeting, uh... Merle... when they-- when they flew in your direction.

Travis: Man!

Clint: That’s just ridiculous, what?

Travis: These-- these gemstones, they don’ hate Merle.

Griffin: Um, and as they-- as they sort of fall harmlessly to the ground, uh, you see that light pass through another rift, uh, and disappear.

Travis: Hey, Griffin, I don’t wanna derail it, but, is this the gems targeting Merle or you targeting Dad? Is there something you need to talk about? [Griffin laughing] Are you mad at Dad for some reason?

Griffin: Uh, I’d rather not get into it. I don’t wanna--

Travis: --[crosstalk] Okay. We’ll save that for The “Adventure Zone” Zone.

Griffin: [chuckling] Yeah. We’re gonna go into The Adventure Zone Untucked, we’re gonna get into it.

[Travis and Clint laughing]

Griffin: As that white light sort of disappears in through the rift, uh, you see Noelle has her little satellite dish that she has on top of her head that was pointing at her, and she says:



[all laughing]

Griffin: Um, Angus actually chimes in through your Stone of Far Speech, and he’s like:



Griffin: You hear him flipping through some books and he’s like:



[everyone talking over each other]



Travis: But not too not familiar because it seems like [Clint starts laughing] something I would know about.

Griffin: So, you’re in this airlock that’s in one of these branching pathways, and it’s leading towards two doors, uh, and they are labelled as follows. Um... the one going to the left is labelled the “Death Laser Calibration Chamber”, and the door on the right is labelled, “Large Humanoid Species Behaviour Modification Testing”. And then that sign is actually scratched out, and underneath it, uh, in sort of crude handwriting, is the word “hugbears”.

Travis: [gasps]

Griffin: Um, and uh, Lucas says,



Justin: Hugbears!



[muffled laughter]



Griffin: Mmkay. Um, as you pop open the room labelled “hugbears”, you, uh, enter into a pretty curious scene, and it’s unlike any room you’ve been on in Lucas’s lab so far. It’s actually a pretty cosy-looking living room. Uh, and there’s a lit fireplace, and some-- uh, a mantle, with some family photos on it... but this room has been turned over, it almost looks like.

There’s a couch that’s been overturned in the middle of the room, uh, with some scratches on it, there’s some smashed tea cups and spilled tea on the ground. There are a few potted plants that have been upended, that are weirdly like, writhing on the floor, um... and then right in the middle of the room, is basically just a giant hairy mass.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: And, uh, you can make out in this mass, four bugbears, uh, of various shapes and fur colorings, um, and they are all asleep. And one of ‘em actually has a really bad cut on his head, it looks like. But they are sleeping fairly soundly.

Travis: And uh, Ditto, just so I can get a full picture-- is Noelle still with us? [crosstalk] Or is she like--

Griffin: Yeah. Noelle is with you.

Travis: Oh, okay... I’m going to whisper to Noelle:



[crosstalk]



Travis: Cool, cool, cool. Great, great, great.

[crosstalk]



Griffin: Hold on, I’ve got a truck passing.

Travis: Like a fart?

Griffin: No, like a truck.

Justin: “I’ve got a truck passing” is a pretty good podcast slang for “I have to fart”.

[all laughing]



Justin: Oh okay.

Travis: That sounds cool.



Travis: That sounds great.



Griffin: As you say that, Taako, this-- this hugbear pile starts to sort of rustle around, [crosstalk] and you hear some groans coming from it.

Travis: I am chuggin’ for some huggin’, let’s do this. I wanna get in there. I wanna hug these bears.

Justin: So you’re just hugging them then.

Travis: Well not yet, but I’m definitely gearing up for it.

Clint: You’re not saying Huggybear, like from Starsky and Hutch, right?

Travis: [crosstalk] Good question, Dad.

Griffin: You’re doing your pre-hug stretches.

Travis: That’s correct.

Griffin: You don’t want to tear something.

Travis: No.

Justin: I wanna do a…

Clint: Attack?

Justin: No, um, I wanna do a nature check, to see if I know anything about hugbears.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Or, or can assess anything about the situation, about these creatures here. Uh, we got a... [dice rolling] 18.

Griffin: Okay, uh-- [crosstalk]

Justin: 14 plus my 4 in nature.

Griffin: Yeah, I mean there’s no such thing as a hugbear, there is such thing as a bugbear, um, you’ve met one, um, Klaarg--

Justin: Klaarg.

Griffin: Um, uh, and the only thing you really know about bugbears is that they are giant, and super strong, and like, unswervingly violent. They are just little furry balls of-- of violence, and hate, and bloodshed.



[laughter]

Griffin: They’re irredeemable kill monsters.



Clint: [crosstalk] So not our friends...



Griffin: This hugbear pile is now rustlin’ and rufflin’ a little bit more.



[Magnus hisses air between his teeth]

Griffin: Okay.



Travis: [crosstalk] Great, good for you.

Clint: Y’know, it’s like the whole Androcles and the Lion--

Justin: I’m staying-- like literally, I’m not joking, I’m, I’m outside of the room. I’m not goin’ in.

Clint: [crosstalk] --pull the thorn.

Griffin: You’re in the airlock, like watching.

Justin: Yeah, I’m watching like, “what are they doing?”

Travis: I’m whispering to my shield about that time I fought a hugbear.

Clint: [crosstalk] I have a big--

Griffin: Okay, that’s a lie-- oh, no, you really did.

Travis: I rolled an 18 by the way.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I have a big fake smile on my face, you know like Ralphie-- [crosstalk] in A Christmas Story.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah sure.

Clint: And I’m walking up very slowly, and I find the adorable, sweet, open-minded...

Justin: [laughs] [crosstalk] super aggressive!

Clint: --sweet, demure hugbear with the cut on its head, and I cast Prayer of Healing to heal his cut.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Alright.

Travis: He devours you.

Griffin: You’re devoured.

Clint: Oh.

Griffin: You heal-- you heal him from inside.

Clint: Uh... I’m willing to do that, that’s how much I care.

Travis: Oh wow.

Griffin: [trying not to laugh] Okay.

[dice rolling]

Clint: Okay, so it’s 12-- [crosstalk] so that’s--

Griffin: Okay-- 18.

Clint: 18!

Griffin: So you heal him for 18 points of damage, and this-- this bugbear with the cut on its head, who looks like-- sort of like the most grizzled of the bunch, uh, that wound starts to fade a lil’ bit. And uh, he wakes up, and the whole pile kinda wakes up, and uh, very quickly sort of gets to their feet, um... and the smallest of this bunch, uh, runs up to you, Merle, and grabs you, and screams, terrifyingly, in your face.



Griffin: And uh, one of the bugbears, says, uh,



Griffin: And Christy’s like:



[Clint wheezing]



[Clint giggling]

Griffin: Uh, Christy sets you down, Merle, and says, um,



Justin: [crosstalk] Sorry… Quick check, uh, skerfuffle?



[Clint laughing]



Griffin: And one of the other bugbears goes:



[MUSIC: “The Hugbear Family” by Griffin McElroy]



[Travis snorts]



Griffin: The older, grizzled one says, uh,



Clint: [laughs]

Justin: He’s the funny one I guess.

Griffin: And another one-- another one speaks up and goes, uh,



Griffin: And Merle, the one that attacked you says,



[MUSIC FADES]



[muffled wheezing]

Griffin: All four of them look at you, Taako, immediately. Um, and Christy runs over to the airlock door, uh, and shouts,



Griffin: And Aaron walks over and sort of pulls Christy back, and is like,



[crosstalk]



Griffin: No, he’s not dead.



Travis: No, Dad, this is us telling you. He’s not dead.

Clint: [defensively] Yeah, I know he’s not dead!

Justin: Wha-- okay, now listen--

Griffin: Why do you keep saying that he is?

Justin: Here are the two ways people say that someone’s not dead: [normally] “Oh, he’s not dead” [exaggerated] “He’s not deeaad!” You’re doing the second one.

Travis: You’re falling into that second category, hard. You’re leaning into that category.

Justin: He’s not dead, he’s very much alive.

Clint: He’s not [with strange inflection] dead?

Travis: You’re so bad at inflection.

Justin: I like that one ‘cause it betrays the actuality of the situation, which is: I don’t know. It was ten episodes ago, I don’t remember.

Clint: We did fight him though!

Travis: No! He fell off the back of the car!

Clint: No, the first time!

Travis: Do you even listen to our show? Like we check back--

Griffin: And then you met him again!

Travis: [crosstalk] and then we saw him again!

Griffin: Did you think you killed him and that was a fucking bugbear ghost? That helped you out in--

Travis: We record these! You can listen to these again.

Justin: He’s fine. Klaarg’s fine.

Travis: Klaarg’s fine.



[Justin and Travis laughing]

Griffin: Um-- [crosstalk]



[crosstalk]



[crosstalk]



[Several “yeah”s]



[laughter]



Griffin: [crosstalk] It seems like--



Griffin: Noelle says, um,



Travis: I think that’s Griffin’s DM way of not having to do six voices for the rest of the campaign.

[Justin and Clint laughing]

Griffin: Yuuup. Well actually, at this point it’s like 8 voices, cause you got also like, two different radios.

Travis: That’s true.

Griffin: This whole thing’s gotten wildly outta hand.

Justin: We’re gonna elect one of us to speak for the others.

Griffin: I’m gonna have like, the... I’m gonna write in a story element where they all like, merge into one,

Travis: Oh, like Sliders?

Griffin: Well, like David Slime-covny.

Travis: Okay.



[sounds of protest]



[Magnus laughing nervously]



Griffin: Okay, yeah. You guys say your goodbyes to the, uh, to the bugbears, to the hugbear family. And as you leave the hugbear room, uh, you pass through an airlock that is just like a straight tunnel. Um, and this one, uh, this-- this single door is labelled, “Hugbear supply room”. Um, and uh, it’s where all the hugbears’ cleaning supplies, cooking supplies, all of the supplies they need to do their work around the lab, uh, are.

And as you enter into it, you realize that this room has already been crystallized. And there’s some shelves, with supplies all over, it just looks like a big storeroom. Even through your suits you can feel, uh, this room is actually really cold. You realize it’s actually because there’s a small vent to the outside of the lab in this room, and there’s some snow blowing into the room, that’s actually instantly crystallizing and uh, falling to the ground, so there’s like a crunchy layer of crystallized snow--

Travis: And how cool would you say that looks?

Griffin: It looks pretty neat, actually. It’s like a little crystal confetti cannon, coming into the room. Unfortunately, right underneath that window, you see a crystallized figure. And it’s pretty small? And it’s wearing a null suit, only the helmet is open in that null suit, and you see a dwarven figure with a cigar in its mouth.



[sad music starts playing]

Griffin: And it’s Merle from the future.



Griffin: Uh, no, you actually recognize this crystallized figure as Boyland. The dwarf that came in with Carey and Killian.

Travis: No… Boyland is closed for good.

[Clint guffaws]



Travis: Why did he take off his helmet? He was always so stupid.

Justin: We probably just high-fived, by the way. In fiction. I don’t know if that matters.

Griffin: Yeah, okay.

{The Money Zone: 30:45-35:55}

[MUSIC: “Regulator Down” by Griffin McElroy]

Griffin: So here’s a crystallized Boyland, um, he has his helmet open, and he has a pretty grim look on his face

Clint: [laughing] yeah!

Griffin: And he’s got his cigar in his mouth that he had when you guys first came in through here. When you guys first crash-landed into the laboratory. And he’s sitting right under the window where the snow is coming in.

Travis: I wave my hand and see if his eyes move.

Griffin: [chuckling] No...

Travis: Oh, okay.

Griffin: [chuckling] ...No...

Travis: I thought maybe I could get him out!

Clint: [crosstalk] His cigar- is the cigar covered with crystal?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. All of this man is covered in crystal.

Travis: How covered?

Griffin: Completely covered.

Travis: Like, what’s the thickness of the crystal?

Griffin: Pretty damn thick.

Travis: Okay. Well, I feel nothing about this.

Griffin: [laughs really hard]

Clint: And yet you have so much to say...

Travis: But is it weird? I feel no emotional connection to this crystallized man.

Griffin: That’s fuckin’ savage, Travvy.

Travis: Well. I barely knew him before, and I won’t even know him now.

Griffin: He volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club. The Boys and Dwarves Club- every single weekend. He, um... What else can I say- he had a gigantic family. Oh my god. He was the father of four hundred sons and thirteen daughters, which is weird.

Clint: That’s why he’s called Boyland.

Griffin: Yeah, ‘cause they spring from him. Fully formed. And boy, was he just a great dad. He had a big old camping trip for all 413 of his kids planned for actually next week.

Travis: Euuuugh.

Justin: Oh, shit.

Travis: And he was two days away from retirement.

Griffin: And, he was--

Justin: Are the tickets non-refundable or?

Griffin: Uh, for camping?

Travis & Griffin: The camping tickets?

Griffin: No, that’s a good point. You would have to rent out like a whole forest to get all those kids up in the mix. Um, anyway, he was the sweetest guy, sorry I did a bad job sort of storytelling, I guess, for him. In this, in his brief eulogy it’s a shame that only now--

Travis: Do I have a marker or something with me that I can draw like a smiley face on his face?

Griffin: Yeah sure.

Clint: Does he have anything worth stealing that we could take?

Griffin: Hey!

Justin: It’s all covered in crystals, right?

Griffin: No actually, he has a weapon. It’s kind of a small handaxe that he’s got.

Clint: I take it.

Travis: Why would you take that?

Griffin: It’s just a one-handed axe, it doesn’t look like anything special but it was coated in the null-suit juice when he got sprayed down. So, yeah, that would be protected, but him... he’s all froze.

Clint: That’s too bad. I take the axe.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: All right, so we move on.

Clint: I should say something, too, right? I’m a cleric.

Travis: Well, and a dwarf. Maybe is there like a dwarven rite?

Clint: Oh yeah...

Travis: Some kind of passage you wanna read from your dwarf bible?

Clint: [crosstalk] Yes. I have to say it in ‘dwarf-ese’. Is that alright with you guys?

Travis: No, please.

Clint: Okay. [clears his throat]

Justin: Hold on, lemme get comfortable.

Clint: Meka leka hi...

[crosstalk]

Travis: I fucking knew it!

[general noises of disbelief while Clint cackles]

Travis: I could have shot-- I could have written it down in an envelope, held it on my forehead, and said that’s what you’re gonna say. I fucking knew it!

[Clint laughing]

Clint: Long live Jambi.

Justin: Long Live Jambi, but short live Boyland.

Clint: Yeah, Boyland, he always had, uh, a big cigar in his mouth.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah. And a story to tell.

Clint:--and not even in a Freudian way. I mean--



[Laughter]

Travis: He always had a crystal to share with you.

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: [Snickers] A Pocket full of Crystals, he had, and he loved root beer barrels. Okay, so… let’s move on.

Clint: But wait! There’s gotta be some significance to the window. I mean, why would he be right under the window?

Travis: Because it’s-Because it’s a no-smoking lab, and he wanted to, like, he had to blow the smoke out the vent.

[Griffin laughing]

Clint: I think that makes a lot of sense!

Justin: That makes a lot of sense to me, I think that’s what happened.

Clint: He took his helmet off, so he could have him a smoke, and bingo bango bongo--

Justin: That’s it!

Travis: He don't wanna leave the Congo.

Clint: He got turned into a big decanter.

Griffin: Yeah, you could, you could roll an investigation check, but circle gets the square, that’s exactly what happened.

Travis: Booooooommm.

[Laughter and a snort]

Justin: I roll an investigation check, just to be sure.

Travis: Just to make Griffin feel useful.

Clint: Alllright. I make an investigation check.

Justin: Oh my god, he’s really doing it.

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: No, I’m literally telling you.

Clint: Yeah. Go ahead and tell me, but I rolled a 14.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah no you- [Crosstalk]

Justin: Hold on, that’s- that’s 14 with a 0 modifier, Griffin.

Griffin: Ok.

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: Is that enough for you to tell him what you just told him?

Griffin: Yeah, he was standing next to the window, and tried to vent his smoke from out of his suit, like you saw him do earlier, and some of that crystallized snow got on him. A single flake.

Justin: In-in our team, in our time with Boyland, did he seem like a total ding dong?

[Laughs]

Travis: Four hundred sons and 0 brain cells.

Griffin: Ain’t that how it go?

Travis: Yeah.. Don’t it always seem to go...

[Crosstalk]

Justin: Well that’s very sad, but I think we should-oh! The Bugbear supplies! Is there anything that would be salvageable? That might be useful to us, or is it all just pretty common material?

Griffin: There’s a can of Crystal Beans.

Travis: I’ll take it.

Griffin: M’kay.

Justin: What?!

Clint: Is there any Wonder Glue? ‘Cause I’ve been looking for that stuff all over the place.

Justin: In Fallout 4, you mean, That’s not--

Clint: In Fallout 4. But I mean, I’ve been-- found myself walking through the grocery store and I see duct tape and I go, “Oh I should buy that because I need it in Fallout 4!” [laughing]

Travis: Dad, you can feed that into the port in the back of your XBOX.

[Chorus of “Yeah, that’s how it works.”]

Griffin: Um, no, there’s nothing really salvageable in this room, it’s been-it’s been crystalled--

Travis: Is the axe dad took any good? Should I fight him for it? Do we need to roll need?

Griffin: No, it’s not especially great.

Travis: Ok, you can keep your shitty axe.

Griffin: It’s just that it has, ah- every single one of his children's names is carved into it.

Travis: Oh yeah. Please, I don’t want that.

Clint: God, it's probably falling apart now.

Griffin: All right, you moving on?

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Yeah, let's go.

Griffin: So, you’re in another white chamber, another airlock. This one is a little bit different from the ones you’ve been through, um, because the two doors on either end of it are kind of in a state of disrepair, um. One of them is labelled “The Gravity Augmentation Chamber.” And… this actually looks like an older version of the airlocks that you’ve seen so far. The door just kinda looks not as futuristic, I mean it’s still--

Travis: [Interrupting] It’s, like, made of planks of wood?

Griffin: [Laughing] Yeah, basically, it is a… wooden airlock. It looks… no, not quite that old, but it- you know, it looks pretty… agéd. The other airlock is labelled “The Temperature Augmentation Chamber,” and this door actually has, weirdly enough, like a layer of ice around it. Like it’s been completely iced over.

Travis: Do we need to go find a Plasmid to get through it?

Griffin: Oh shit that is kind of like what that is.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Well, no.

Travis: Okay. Dad, which way do you wanna go?

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: Um, well, let’s see. We have a door we can’t go through --

Travis: Uh huh.

Clint: -- and we have a door we can go through?

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Seems pretty obvious to me. We wanna try the door we can’t go through.

[At the same time] Justin: Yeah. Uh huh.

[At the same time] Travis: Yeah, I’m there too.

Clint: We gotta do the frozen one.

Travis: You know what? I say we just let it go.

Justin: That’s actually not a big deal. Yeah.

Clint: Let it go?

Justin: Um, I would actually like to, cast, uh, uh.



Justin: Um, I’m gonna cast, uh, Clairvoyance.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: So I can see on the other side of the, uh, on the other side of the door there to try to get some sort of inkling of where we’re going here. Or whether or not this is, like, worth the certain-to-be fifteen minutes of audio --

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: -- that it will require for us to get through this fuckin’ thing.

Griffin: Okay. Which, eh, which door are you checkin’?

Justin: The one…

Clint: The frozen one --

[crosstalk]

Justin: The one that would necessitate magic to see what’s on the other side of it.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Uh, it is, uh, I create an invisible sensor within a range in a location that is familiar to me--

Griffin: Oh, no, I know what’s up with Clairvoyance.

Justin: Okay, cool.

Griffin: You don’t have to -- you just don’t have to make any rolls or anything?

Justin: Uh, no. Just concentrate.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, yeah, you conce--

Justin: I’m choosing seeing, by the way.

Griffin: Sorry?

Justin: I’m choo-- I can choose seeing or hearing. I’m choosing seeing.

Griffin: What, you can fuckin’ taste the room?

Travis: [laughs]

Justin: No. I just. It’s just the two there. I can see or hear…

Travis: You can smell it. Smells like cold.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah. You, um, you…

Clint: Well, he’s gotta concentrate first. He’s gotta concentrate.

Justin: Hold on. I’m concentrating.



Griffin: All right.



Griffin: Are we sure we’re not Dad’s dad?

Travis: [laughs]

Justin: [snorts]

Griffin: Uh, who’s the dad?

Clint: Wait wait wait. Let me describe this: Justin’s eyes are tightly cinched together. He has like a grimace --

Travis: He put a belt on them?

Clint: -- on his face. He has one finger extended. I can’t tell from this distance what he -- Oh! Okay.

Griffin: Okay, Taako, you pass through this icy door. Um, and you’re actually -- once you get through, the whole airlock tunnel is just a giant, solid sheet of ice. Um, and as you make it into the door, even that ice is sort of extending into the room. Probably a good, uhhhh, eight feet or so of just solid. Just solid ice. Um. Inside of that room, though, you see, um, two figures in null suits, battling what appear to be sort of, like, ice-covered robots? Almost?

Travis: [excited gasp] We have to get in there!

Griffin: This room looks like a, like a winter wonderland. And these two figures are just taking these ice robots to fuckin’ fool school. Um, one of them is, uh, running up a wall and, like, hanging off the ceiling and just, like, throwing down daggers. Um, that are just, like, cutting these things apart. Um, the other one is using a crossbow to just, like, blast, blast ‘em to little pieces. Uhm, uh, but yeah, in this winter wonderland scene, uh, you see Killian and you see Carey just merc’ing some robots in there.

Travis: So they’re, like, holding their own.

Clint: They’re really better than we are at this stuff.

Travis: Super better at it.



Travis and Clint: [laugh]



Griffin: [laughing]



Griffin: You’re just like, your mother would swaddle you, young Taako, baby Taako, and just sing to you, [singing] “Oh, shit, sweet flip--”

Travis: When you were just a taquito.

Clint and Griffin: [laugh]



Travis and Griffin: [laugh]

Griffin: [singing] Hot stunts, cool knights… [talking to self] Hot stunts, cool knights?



Griffin: No, that’s just part of the song.



[Laughter]



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: Okay, as you- as you open up, uh, the door to the gravity augmentation chamber, umm, you see a large spherical chamber, uh, that is pretty dark and pretty dirty. It looks like nobody’s been really in here in awhile. Umh, and things in this chamber are just... Floatin’. Just floatin’ in space. Um, there’s a lot of just sort of flotsam and jetsam.

And it almost looks like Lucas has just kind of been throwing his trash into this room. Um. Because there’s like a refrigerator floating around and, like, some just panes of glass flying around and some, some cages flying around. And some microscopes and, and, uh, some, some just industrial equipment and crates and barrels just kinda floatin’ around in this, in this chamber. Um. Without the effects of gravity on it.



[Laughter]



Travis: I jump.

Griffin: You jump into the anti-grav room?

Travis: Yes!

[“Zero Gravity Trash Ball” plays faintly in the background]

Griffin: Okay. You’re in there. And sure enough, you’re just floating now. Through the room. Uh.



[Laughter]



Griffin: You’re experiencing the magic of flight.

Travis: Uh huh!

Griffin: Uhm, and it’s pretty -- well, you’re actually havin’ to like, scoot some trash out of the way as you fly through the, through the garbage room.

Travis: Still pretty good.

Griffin: Yeah, if it weren’t for all the garbage this would be, like, the most miraculous experience basically ever.

Clint: Okay. Now. Taako takes my hand, and we leap out together. And I look at him and I say:



[silence]

Travis: Is that a reference?

Clint: We’ll see who gets that joke later.

Griffin: Okay. ‘Cause it’s not us. The people on the show you’re doin’ it with.

Justin: It was Superman, right?

Clint: It was a Superman reference! Thank you, son.

[crosstalk, self-congratulatory Justin, disbelieving others]

Justin: At least I paid attention when we sat, sat at your lap. Your fatherly lap.

Griffin: [laughs]

Travis: Last year.

Clint: [laughing]

Justin: Your fatherly hearth.

Griffin: Your thr-- your weird three laps that you have.

Travis: That you had installed.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Your dorsal--

Clint: Ah, that’s gonna get some fanart.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Your dorsal lap. Uh. Uh. Yeah. Noelle follows you into the chamber, too.



[dice roll]

Travis: Oh, that’s a eighteen on stunts.

Griffin: Uh, yeah. You-- You don’t really have anything to push yourself off on. So you just kinda, like, twist around. But it, she’s ju--



Travis: All right.



Clint: [laughs]



[Laughter]

Griffin: Y’all hear somethin’. Coming from a, a pretty big ball of, uh, of rubble. Um. Below you, towards the center of the room. And uh, emerging from that ball of rubble, you see three shapes… um, sorta push themselves off the bottom of this, spherical room. And start to move upward toward the three of you very slowly. And it, you can’t really get a beat on what these three figures are?

They’re, they’re, they’re, they got these, like, pink, weirdly shiny, like, bubblegum skin, almost? And they have these eight, like, padded feet. And these circular snouts, with this row of sharp teeth all around them. Uhm, and they got these eight legs that are ending in these, like, gross, wispy, tendril-fingers. And they start--

Travis: And they seem friendly?

Griffin: Uhm, they’re just. They’re not making any noise and they’re not really animating very much. They’re just kinda floatin’, floatin’ up in your general direction.

Travis: Okay.



Griffin: Yeah, they’re about the size of a car engine. Uh, he says, uh,



Travis: I hold the necklace up.



[Laughter]



Griffin: Um, uh.

Travis: I push off some garbage towards the door.



Griffin: Uh, okay. As you push off some garbage to start floating away from the door. Um. The three, uh, tardigrades-- which is a real animal. I was doin’ some googlin’ around, guys. This a neat animal!

Justin: They’re one of Syd--

Griffin: They do zero gravity environments on ‘em! Do a quick google search!

Justin: They’re one of Sydnee’s favorite animals, actually. She thinks they’re adorable.

Griffin: They’re adorable, but these three--

Travis: What-- how do you spell it?

Griffin: Tardi-- like ‘TARDIS’ and then ‘grade’.

Travis: Uh huh. Oh. Okay. Uh huh. I don’t like that.

Griffin: Yeah. When they’re you -- when they’re you size, they’re definitely less adorable.

Travis: It does look like a super fat, angry manatee, though.

Griffin: Yeah, these three super fat, angry manatees, uh…

Travis: [exaggerated, puffed up voice] Like it prob’ly sounds like this.

[Laughter]

Travis: [cont.] I’m a tardigwade! I’m gon’ eat you ‘cause I’m angry! Yom yom yom.



Griffin: Uh, just as you--



[Murmurs of assent]

Griffin: Or elves, human, and dwarves. Because all three of these, um, stick out these -- shoot out these long, fleshy, pink probiscuses. Well boy, that’s a fun, pleasant mental image. Uhm, at all three of you. Um, and I need, all three of you guys to make dexterity saving throws, with disadvantage because you don’t really have anything to move off of.

Travis: Even though I said I pushed off some garbage?

Griffin: Alright, you don’t have disadvantage.

Travis: Yeah. [dice roll] Nineteen!

Clint: Eighteen!

Justin: [dramatically] Twoooo!

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, Taako, you don’t really need to roll again, uh, Merle, you do, ‘cause you have disadvantage.

Justin: Well, let’s see if I can get a one.

Clint: Wait a minute-

Justin: [interrupting] Disadvantage means you do- you roll twice, and-

Griffin: [at the same time] -you take the worse-

Justin: -you take the lower of the two.

Clint: Aah. [dice roll] [dramatically] Eeiiiight.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Travis: Did you guys know that tardigrades were first discovered by a German pastor named Johann August Ephraim [struggles with pronunciation] Goeze?

[laughter]

Griffin: Thanks, Siri!

Travis: You’re welcome! Just a little thing I learned from the tardigrade wiki. Knowledge is power! [pause] I’m just looking for something that’ll help me beat them.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, uh, yeah, that’s definitely- I definitely wanted to send you on a fuckin’ science- science hunt, that’s the key to winning this battle.

Justin: [talking over Griffin] You literally told him to google them. You literally said that.

Griffin: Yeah, I guess that’s- I guess that’s true. Um, yeah, now that you’ve spoken the name of their discoverer [Travis laughs], all three just disintegrate. [players laugh] Well done. You’ve- [deep, sarcastic tardigrade voice, with hints of Droopy] You’ve figured out our secret. [disintegration noise]

[OUTRO MUSIC]

[END EPISODE]