The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 12/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…



Griffin: Standing just in front of the doorway is an imposing figure who is draped in a ratty, dirt-covered coat.







Griffin: And she falls to her knees and collapses on the ground in a heap. And all the Sylvans outside look up as Dani announces the good news:



[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays, 0:44 — 1:29]

Griffin: So it’s been two weeks since the Pine Guard defeated the abomination plaguing the waters of Kepler, West Virginia. With Duck’s blade, Aubrey’s magic, and Ned’s surprising aqua-dynamics, and a little help from contractor Pigeon, you all saved the town, except for H2-Woah, That Was Fun, which got pretty— pretty well and Phandalin-ed during the ensuing battle. But that’s ok, you can’t break a few eggs—

Clint: Without eating an omelette.

Griffin: To do— you— you’ll make an omelette if you do that.

Justin: They got a new tagline, it’s H2-Woah, That Was Fun: It’s a Big Pool Now! [Clint laughing] Because it’s just one big pool now.

Travis: I really liked how they had a big PR rebranding where they just capitalized “Was” to really hit, like, H2-Woah, That WAS Fun.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, it’s bolded.

Travis: That was— there was a time when this was fun!

Griffin: We will rebuild it. Aubrey, when you—

Travis: Better! Stronger! Funner!

Justin: [crosstalk] Wetter!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Wetter!

Clint: [crosstalk] Slurpier!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Aubrey— Aubrey, when you returned home, you witnessed the return of Mama, proprietor of Amnesty Lodge, who stumbled in looking pretty worse for wear, and then looking pretty unconscious. And she remained that way as you drove her to the St. Francis Medical Center, where she was stabilized and admitted with haste. Her condition was pretty serious— she had a few bruised ribs, a broken ankle, some internal bleeding, and a head wound that left her just down for the count.

It has been two weeks since Mama’s return. It is early November now, and snow has begun to fall in Kepler, West Virginia. Despite sort of the lovely snowy scenery, Mama’s condition has sort of cast a pall over Amnesty Lodge. And it is for this exact reason that Jake Coolice suggests a day trip to get everybody’s minds off the troublesome status of their leader. Y’all are going skiing.

[Travis gasps]

{Ski Trip fades in}

Travis: Goin’ to Pipestem?

Griffin: Pipestem?

Travis: Yeah! It’s a ski town in— in West Virginia.

Clint: It’s probably where a whole bunch of people go so they don’t go to Kepler.

Justin: Let me, uh, let me get in on this— [somewhat indignant] Fuckin’ Pipestem, dude!

Travis: Yeah, c’mon, dude!

Griffin: No, you are all actually— you three and your sort of entire Sylvan assembly are headed to the ski lodge at the base of Mount Kepler. It’s close, it’s convenient— I guess I said day trip, but it’s more like four minutes walk from Amnesty Lodge. [Travis: I see.] So you all have arrived at the ski lodge at Mount Kepler. Jake is in sort of rare form, very excited, he’s waxing his board, he’s sharing a few pointers with a few of his more concerned colleagues, Moira is attempting to strap on some skis without sort of phasing right through them with her ghost legs, Dani is like bundling up to a near sort of Randy-from-Christmas Story degree, Barclay is trying to find any kind of ski capable of housing his gargantuan feet, and— I don’t really have much prepared for this next part. I’m just curious what Duck, Aubrey and Ned are— hope to achieve from this day at Mount Kepler Ski Trails Park, is what it’s called, I guess.

Travis: Mount Kepler Ski Trails Park.

Griffin: And Reserve.

Travis: And Reserve. And Burger Place.

Griffin: Colon: That Was Also Fun.

[Travis laughing]

Travis: I’m going to say that Aubrey has never skied before in her life, so I’m going to say maybe, maybe she has swallowed her pride, and she has asked Jake Coolice for some, like, bunny slope lessons.

Griffin: For sure. Ned, Duck? What do you think your characters are up to at the ski lodge?

Clint: Two words—

Justin: Yup.

Clint: Hot toddy.

Griffin: Just bevvin’ out in the— the—

Clint: I believe Ned has had a really bad experience trying to ski, where he got to the top of the ski lift, came off, fell forward, and the swing hit him in the back of the head. [Travis: [sympathetically] Ugh!] And that kind of put him off the whole ski thing—

Griffin: Can we— can we play that out, just in foley— this is an audio medium, so maybe [Clint: Yeah.] we could do like a flashback of—

Ned: Uuhh, I’m not sure about this— heh, oh well! So what, do I just plant my feet? Okay. Wait, wait, whoa— BOOM. Shit!

Griffin: {sings Curb Your Enthusiasm theme} Bom bom bom bombombombom bom bom!

Clint: Just hang out at the lodge, drinking hot toddies, and, you know, making conversation with people, anything—

Griffin: Yeah, for sure.

Clint: Anything to keep from being killed on the slopes.

Griffin: Duck, what about yourself?

Justin: I’m going to come find Ned to come eat dinner with me. For a reason.

Griffin: Oh-kaay.

Justin: Yeah, we’re going over to Wolf Ember. It’s— the Wolf Ember Grill. It’s like the nicer restaurant, but it’s not, like— I feel like this probably isn’t one of the super upscale resorts, like I feel like local people could still go there, yeah?

Griffin: Yeah, for sure. It is the—

Justin: There are some places in West Virginia where it’s not like that, where it’s like, oh, boy, this is just people coming in from out of town.

Griffin: Yeah, I don’t— I think this is a very accessible— this is like— that’s kind of why I pinned a park to it, is that, like, this is not a fancy, fancy, super expensive snowshoe, right, where you come and you stay in the nice, nice resorts and you pay like 80 bucks for a ski lift, and then, you know, [Justin: Yeah.] ski around with your—

Travis: This is more like Pipestem in that it’s for everyone.

Griffin: [crosstalk] I guess. You keep fucking saying that, but I don’t know—

Travis: Well, it’s a resort and state park, you know, it’s got fishing, geocaching, camping, boating, biking, golfing, hiking, horseback riding—

Griffin: All right, we can all Google. Ok, let’s start with Aubrey. Aubrey, you and most of the Sylphs that came here to ride the slopes go out and you get onto a ski lift to go to the top of Mount Kepler. You’re probably there with Dani, who looks at you from behind, you know, 18 layers of thick fabric, and says,











Griffin: And as you reach the top and sort of meet up with the rest of the Sylphs who reached the top of the ski lift, Jake Coolice skis over and says— boards over, I should say, he would not touch a fucking ski. He’s a boarder for life. But he comes over to you and says,













Griffin: He says,















Griffin: And he just like, does a flip, standing perfectly still—





Griffin: And he pushes off towards the Slip— Slip Dip. And we hop over to Ned! You are sitting in the lobby of the Mount Kepler Ski Trails Ski Lodge and just— it’s real nice, there’s a nice little hearth going, there’s— there’s not too many people in here, just a few folks sitting around at these various sort of benches, and nice big comfy chairs by the fire—

Clint: He’s wearing one of those big puffy vests, you know, for skiers—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh, for sure—

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Clint: You know, in like, red, yellow, and blue, anticipating the new Captain Marvel movie—

Griffin: With— with no plans to actually ski. It’s just a— it’s like a, what are the things they give dogs, a thunder— a thunder shirt—

Travis: Yeah, a thunder jacket.

Clint: [crosstalk] Yep! Yeah.

Griffin: [crosstalk] A thunder jacket, yeah. Just a nice warm vest on—

Clint: Well he’s wearing the vest just in case somebody comes crashing through the window off the hill and slams into him.

Griffin: A real danger at ski resorts, they don’t tell you that.

Clint: [crosstalk] That’s why he’s worried. He really worries.

Griffin: Sure. And there is an attendant here that comes to refresh your— comes to refresh your hot toddy. You’ve had a couple at this point, got that nice—

Travis: You’ve always been here, Mr. Chicane.

Griffin: And he tells you died here in the 60s.

[Justin and Travis laugh]

Clint: And there’s a picture on the wall behind me—

[Justin and Travis mock-screaming in horror]

Griffin: We have several in-fiction ghosts at this point, so I think I maybe should be careful what I make even remotely joke-canon.

Travis: Can I change my scene to happen in the hedge maze out back?

Griffin: Maybe you’ll crash into it.

Travis: Ok.

Griffin: So this attendant comes to refresh your hot toddy, and he looks at sort of your winter wear, and he says,





Griffin: [laughing incredulously] The World Cup of Skiing?









































Griffin: And he walks back to the bar of the ski lodge and we hop over—



































[Griffin and Travis laughing]



Justin: No, but— That’s my style. My comedy style is “No, but—”



Griffin: Alright, let’s hop back to Aubrey. Aubrey, you’re on the uh, Slippery Dippery um, and uh, why don’t you roll to Act Under Pressure? Let’s see how you’re doing.

Travis: Oh my god. Not great!

Griffin: What’s your Cool?

Clint: But consistent.

Travis: Act Under Pressure? My cool is zero.

Griffin: Uh-oh!

Travis: So that’s a six!

Griffin: You’re doing fucking bad. I guess mark experience?

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: That’s good. Okay, I— Here’s what I’ll say: You’re actually doing— you’re doing alright. It is a blue circle, it is a nice— God, please let me make sure, uh, no it’s green circle, blue square. Holy shit, I’m so glad I caught that. It’s a green circle nice, nice calm sort of trail. Nice and uh, a nice long trail with some cool uh twists, twists and turns through the nice snowy sort of uh, mountainside. It’s a nice, scenic run and you’re doing okay with it and you’re keeping up pace with everybody as they sort of go down, uh with you. You’re sort of side-by-side with Dani and Barclay and Jake as they are uh, going down the hill. Uh, but you kind of break, break away because you’re not so great at controlling your speed.



Travis: There’s a lot of that.

Griffin: You get to like the only kind of steep part of the hill and as you go over the edge of it and start to go downward, you realize that there’s some stuff on the hill? Uh, that maybe looks like it shouldn’t be there? There’s like a, like a plastic ramp that somebody has put there? There’s like a um, there’s like a sawhorse but like, really really long that has been laid out right in front of that ramp almost like a nice grinding rail, like they call them? And, uh, just like some obstacles that are set up that uh, you are just not prepared for. Your ‘pizza’ and ‘french fries’ prove sort of un— they make you incapable of navigating these. And I think you hit that ramp and just come crashing down and break through that sawhorse, for zero harm.

Travis: Oh. Whoops.

Griffin: Yeah, I don’t think it’s a serious enough thing that I would make you take damage for it. It’s a Lunar Interlude episode. We’re just having— trying to have some fun here. Um, but quickly like, the other Sylfs, they pull up beside you and come to a stop. And Dani says:





Griffin: Jake is sort of eyeing over this— these obstacles that somebody has put out on the hill, uh, and you see behind you as you’re kind of craning your neck around, a figure come over that slope and, and come down towards you. He’s a young guy in his early twenties, he’s got a short-cropped like, mohawk. He’s wearing a black windbreaker with an insignia on the breast featuring what looks like a hornet on it, and he’s holding a camcorder. And he kicks up snow in that really cool way that— like bullies do in the movies as he skids to a stop in front of you. And he uh, he says:













Clint: Rumble.

Griffin: He uh, hops off his board and starts to take a couple steps toward your party, and then he looks at Jake Coolice and he says:





Griffin: Uh, let’s hop over to Duck and Ned.

Travis: I might’ve peaked a little bit there.

Griffin: That’s alright. You gotta defend our boy.











Griffin: Hubert— Hubert eyes you from the kitchen through a small gap in like, a window between the kitchen and the dining room just like, giving you the stink-eye because he knows you know his dark secret.







Griffin: Hubert walks over to your table— I don’t think he even needs you all to order. I think he knows what you need. I think he knows what you crave.



Griffin: And he places the cup of soup down in front of Ned, and sure enough, this— Oh, Ned. Oh, Ned, the smell. Ned, the smell, Ned.



Griffin: It is unfathomable. There is a nice, nice sort of browning of this cheese there—



Griffin: —and it’s dripping over the side of this nice sort of terracota like, pot that this fucking soup’s in. It’s so good. And he holds the cup out, and he’s still holding yours, Duck, and he’s just kind of looking at you.



Griffin: He kind of grimaces and he leans down. He says:













[Travis laughs]







Griffin: He sets the cup of soup down in front of you now, Duck, and he stands up over the table and he looks at both of you sort of unsure if he can trust you. And he just says right before he walks away:



Griffin: And he walks away and leaves.







Clint: Well to start with, I’m going to reach down and pull up just a little bit of the cheese that has melted over the side and kind of lift that, and it kind of lifts the whole flap of cheese. Just— Just a, a taste. Just a little bit, to let the aroma come out. And it wafts out, I pop it in my mouth, and it practically melts. There’s like, no chewing—

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: —involved.

















Griffin: It’s actually pretty gross. Nah, I’m just kidding, it’s fucking great. Uh, in fact, as you two both duck in— tuck into this soup uh, you both get one experience point just from how tasty the soup is.

Justin: Good soup.

Clint: Alright!

Griffin: And I— Saying that, I realize you could just keep coming here and just fucking, farm. ‘What’s up, y’all, this uh—’

Justin: Fuckin’, it’s like the— A sort of [incoherent]

Griffin: It’s uh— These are the Crushbone Belts. This is an any percent run of The Adventure Zone: Amnesty.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: You wanna skip a lot of the leveling you just go to the… Ember Wolf, or whatever it was.

Clint: Wolf Ember.

Justin: Wolf Ember. Okay, so let’s finish our soup. Here’s twenty minutes of soup-eating noises.

Griffin: No, and I’ve cut it. It’s gone.

Justin: Heh, we did record it, just so you all know.



















[Griffin laughing]

Travis: Hi Nonny!

Clint: Wait a minute, here, wait a minute— So, tell the boys, what’s the best French Onion Soup you ever had… She’s thinking.

Nonny: French Tavern in Huntington, West Virginia.

Clint: What was so special about it, do you— do you— what made it so delicious? For some reason, French Onion soup is a hot topic on this episode.

Nonny: It just had more body, it was very flavourful, it was— and it had the croutons, it was wonderful.

Travis: There you go.

Clint: There you go!

Griffin: That sounds real good— and that was in Huntington! You can’t that—

Clint: [crosstalk] That was in Huntington!

Griffin: You can’t get that in Cincinnati, not in Lexington, not if you’re living in DC—

Justin: [crosstalk] Not even in Huntington anymore. That place is closed.

Griffin: Oh, ok.

Clint: Thank you, Nonny!

Justin: Thanks Nonny!

Griffin: Bye, Nonny!

Clint: All right, I just thought I’d bring in an expert there, since we’re talking about French Onion soup.

Griffin: Yeah, and now Nonny exists in the fiction of our universe, which is going to take some time to process.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Aubrey, we’ll hop back to you. Things have gotten kind of heated on the hill.

Travis: Like hot French Onion soup.

Justin: I love you all dearly, very much, as my family. I would bury a bowie knife in any of your chests to eat French Onion soup this exact second.

[laughing]

Clint: I know!

Justin: Bury it to the hilt!

Clint: Oh, man— I see a merch opportunity for us.

Griffin: We’re going to sell soup?? That doesn’t— that—

Travis: Yes, we’re gonna sell loose soup—

Clint: Have you ever seen soup sold— I mean, like, French Onion soup sold in a store? No!

Travis: [repeating] Have you ever seen French Onion soup sold in a store.

Griffin: That’s a heck of a question.

Justin: [laughing] Let’s go back to the other scene.

Griffin: Okay. Things are— things have started to get kind of heated, and right as it seems like a— perhaps even a brouhaha might break out—

Clint: Ooh!

Travis: Definitely a row of some sort.

Griffin: Yes. You see a dozen figures now come skiing and snowboarding down that hill this guy just came down. And they are all descending in this perfect flying V, and as they stop in perfect formation, the person in the front of this crew pops off of their board and approaches you. And their jacket stands out from the rest of their unit. It’s bright yellow, with black accents with a striped ring around the collar. They’re wearing these slick looking black sunglasses over this neoprene half-face mask, which they pull down off their face as they dismount. And they snap, and Keith stands to attention as do the rest of the Hornets behind them. And they say,



Griffin: And Jake looks kind of— in stunned silence as they continue speaking and they say,







Griffin: And Keith kind of grimaces and nods.







Griffin: They snap and everybody sort of hops back on their boards, and they turn to you and Hollis says,



Griffin: And just like that, all of the Hornets take off on their boards and skis once more and go flying down the mountain in this formation, except for Keith, who kind of sneers at you all for like another few seconds with disdain before following behind.

Travis: Aubrey uses magic to melt the snow right in front of Keith. Just a little bit.

Griffin: Yeah, roll to use magic, then.

Travis: Ooh.

Clint: Ohh!

Griffin: Oh, that’s the good shit!

Travis: Well—

Clint: A four!

Travis: A four, plus two. Six.

Justin: Dang, how’s your magic?

Travis: Oh no. I killed Keith!

Griffin: Mark experience again— no, here’s what happens—

Travis: Welp, I just levelled up.

Griffin: Yeah, congrats. You melt the snow in front of Keith, and he eats shit. Or rather, snow, I should say. And then he stands up and looks really confused, and really really startled, and then he looks back at you, Aubrey, and is just kind of staring at you, dumbfounded, for a while. And looks back down at the melted snow, and then back up at you, and then kind of looks a little scared.



Griffin: And then as you start talking, he like, freaks out, and hops back on his board, and snowboards away... That’s going to be a fun hard move to play with later. [Justin chuckles] And Jake clears his throat and he says,







Clint: And breakdancing—







Griffin: And then Barclay kind of like jumps, and then he reaches to his hip and he pulls out a pager. And he says,





Travis: I just take off running down the— does stunt number four, take off skis, go home.

Clint: And Ned orders two bowls of soup to go so he can get two more experience points and level up.

Travis: Oh yeah, there’s nothing like old room-temperature French Onion soup. Augh, love it.

Griffin: Let’s hop forward. The three of you and Barclay are the first ones to arrive back at the lodge, which looks sort of even more idyllic with this fresh dusting of snow, there’s some icicles hanging from the roof and off the branches of the surrounding trees, and the fallen sort of frozen needles crunch beneath your feet as you step out of the car and walk towards the entrance of the lodge, but as you approach, you notice something unusual. There is a cellar door off by the corner of the front of this building that you have never really noticed before, and it is currently propped open. There’s a chain and an unlocked padlock that are hanging off of its handle.

Justin: Let me ch— see what’s going on in here, with my instincts that I have honed in the— my many years of patrolling the parks.

Griffin: Are you gonna— so that would probably be Read a Bad Situation?

Justin: Yeah, it’s just— You get mad at me when I say that, so I’m trying to put it all fancy.

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: And then make you say it. ...that’s a 5. Looks fine to me, boys. Take it— take it from me. Uh, that— what do you add to that—

Travis: Sharp.

Justin: Sharp? Um, yeah, so a six, actually.

Griffin: Jesus Christ.

Justin: [crosstalk] Good rolls, huh?

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s a good thing you all didn’t fuckin— on the last episode, which was the— arguably a more high-stakes episode than this mostly soup-based affair that we’ve had this time, you all were rolling fucking, those double sixes, and I guess it’s a good thing that these episodes weren’t switched, and you weren’t, you know, crushing your soup rolls and getting killed by the big water monster, but— I get to take a hard move.

Justin: Nice.

Griffin: And...I think what that is, is, as you approach, you all sort of hesitate for a bit so Duck can try to sniff out the scene, and as you are hesitating, you see Mama, and she comes out of the cellar and sees the four of you, and then slams the cellar door shut. And she turns back from the cellar door and faces all of you, very quickly, and says,



Griffin: And she kind of, like, hobbles a little bit closer to you all. You can tell she’s definitely not favouring that— that busted up ankle that has a cast around it. She says,







Travis: Uh, she’s behaving weirdly. I’m going to do… read a bad situation, if I—

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That’s a 9, plus 1, so a 10?

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: First things first, when I Read a Bad Situation, I can use my magic eye, my third eye—

Griffin: Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to be relevant here. There’s no magic stuff happening—

Travis: So she doesn’t seem, like, enchanted, or possessed, or whatever.

Griffin: Oh, no, no, no, no. Nope! It’s just Mama, and she’s a little, you know, busted up, but she’s not, you know, a skinwalker.

Travis: So… Read a Bad Situation…

Griffin: You have questions. What’s my best way in, what’s my best way out, are there any dangers we haven’t noticed, what’s the biggest threat, what’s most vulnerable—

Travis: I would say, are there any dangers we haven’t noticed? Like, I’m going to say, Aubrey notices she’s acting kind of weird and does, like, quick look around and really takes a hard look at Mama.

Griffin: Yeah. Um, okay, yeah, there’s a low, sort of constant sort of bestial growl coming from the cellar.









Griffin: And she opens up the cellar door, and she walks inside, and beckons the four of you to come follow.

Travis: Uh, I follow. And then I’m going to say ‘What’s the biggest threat?’



Griffin: Um, the rest of you following as well?

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: Ned tosses back the rest of the styrofoam cup of French Onion soup and follows—

Griffin: That he’s been drinking the whole time?

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh, the four of you descend down into the cellar. I will answer your question in just a moment.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: As you walk down into the cellar, the four of you are kind of, or I should just speak for the three of you, are sort of shocked at how spacious it is down here. It’s not just spacious, but it seems also kind of like, lived in? Um, this, this cellar is easily the size of the Lodge’s lobby and it appears to be sort of cut into the— into several different sections all in a considerable state of, of disrepair. Uh, there’s like a rec room-looking space with a big couch in front of like an old CRT TV, hooked up to an old Playstation One. There’s a little library like, reading corner with some bookshelves that are all just completely empty. There’s a section of it that looks like it used to be sort of a functioning gym with a weight bench with uh, no actual dumbell on it and sort of a busted up training dummy. There’s like a workshop with a dingy looking bench and like a barren wall-mounted tool rack.

And then finally there’s like, a little kitchenette in a little alcove of the cellar, and it’s cupboards— and it has like, a small refrigerator. They are all standing open and the contents of all of them are strewn across the ground. There’s cans and wrappers and empty boxes of food. It looks like this chamber was recently cordoned off from the rest of the cellar. There’s what appears to be a large net made of these thick ropes, and as you look at them, these ropes have like this, shimmering thread woven into them, almost like the Sylvan fabric that you all have seen in the past and kind of what your vest is made out of, Aubrey. Uh, and so this net is hanging over the entrance to the kitchenette, and through it you see the big danger, Aubrey. At the center of this kitchenette, there is a man. There is an older man with unkempt wild gray hair and this ratty-looking beard. Um, he’s wearing like a button-down shirt and some khakis, but they’re all just ruined. The are all just dingy and oily and torn. And as you all enter the room, he looks in your direction and he just looks absolutely feral. He sort of bares his filthy teeth at you and emits this, this low growl that you heard outside. That is what is the most dangerous thing in the room.

Clint: Ned has extensive experience with weird shit from the Cryptonomicon, so, uh, I’m assuming—

Griffin: Cryptonomi— Cryptonomica.

Clint: Cryptonomica, right, so I think he’s going to step close to the net and peer through it, and really analyze this guy, and try to figure out what sort of creature he is.

Griffin: Uh, okay, yeah, with a ten you hold two, so you get to ask two questions, and ‘What sort of creature is it?’ was your question, and the answer to that is: It’s a human. It is a human man that just looks like, uh, he has completely lost his senses, and turned into this, this sort of bestial figure that you see crouched on the ground in front of you behind this net.

Clint: Well then, second question is ‘What is being concealed here?’

Griffin: You, uh, take a quick glance around the room, and you notice there is actually one book that is sitting on a table in sort of the reading corner of the room. It’s the only book there. The rest have been cleared out, uh, leaving the room in sort of this state of disrepair. And that book is a journal, and inscribed on the front of the journal, you can see a name. And that name is…

Clint: Th... acker?

Griffin: Thacker. Good— Wow. Hey, good fuckin’—

Justin: Hey!

Travis: Whoa, dad!

Griffin: That’s fucking unbelievable!

Clint: I’m not a complete moron! I re—

Griffin: Really?!

Clint: I’ve been ar— Not complete. [laughs]

Griffin: It is the name of Thacker, who, if you remember, is the owner of the computer and the sort of former record-keeper of the Pine Guard, who I believe Barclay explained went missing a while ago. And as you notice that, Barclay also says:



Griffin: Mama kind of sighs and then she hobbles over to a load-bearing sort of pillar, in the center of the room there are a few of these sort of strewn about. She leans up against one to take some weight off her ankle, and she says:







Griffin: And she kind of chuckles and she says:





Griffin: She says:



Griffin: And when she says his name, he kind of like, lifts his head up and snarls, and then kind of like leans back down to his sort of focused on the floor position. She says:



Griffin: She, uh, holds up one of his journals and says:













Griffin: She uh, sets the books down and she turns toward you all and she looks, um, she doesn’t look as sprightly as she usually does. She looks pretty tired. She says,



{Ad Break 50:36 to 58:24}

Griffin: So we’re going to get to leveling up now, um— This is a Lunar Interlude, this is when we do this. This’ll also be sort of when we do the Heathcliff stuff in future episodes, but we already kind of did that this arc so, uh, gonna wait on that. But we’re gonna level up. Before we get to that, I have kind of, in fiction, given you all sort of a free bonus. Um, and it’s one, it’s like a level-up perk that belongs to The Expert that I think is really cool but none of you all are playing The Expert and I was worried that we wouldn’t get to that. And also like, I don’t think we— I think we were a little slow on the leveling in the pilot arc, so this is kind of a freebie, and that bonus is a haven. Uh, which is a mechanic in the game. It is a— exactly what it sounds like. It is a headquarters for you all to sort of use at your leisure and how it works is, you sort of design it by choosing the rooms that you want to have in it.

So in fiction, this is the cellar of the Amnesty Lodge. It’s a secure location that each of you are going to get to pick one room or one sort of section of the cellar that will be able to provide you some sort of bonus or some sort of benefit or some sort of like, in-fiction capability. For instance, you could pick the oubliette, which is a prison that you could keep a monster in or some sort of spirit or magic thing that you don’t know anything about. You could pick a workshop, you could pick an armory. You could pick— there’s a whole bunch of options and each of you are gonna get to pick one thing, which you will then kind of rebuild inside of the cellar and then have access to. So I’m gonna drop a list of these into Roll20. But yeah, there is the, uh, lore library, you can hit the books to investigate. Now that means like if, there has to be a reasonable way for there to be a book about what you’re investigating, but if you do do that, and you’re in your lore library, you get a plus one to your Investigate the Mystery roll. There is the mystical library, where you can consult occult tomes, which will grant you plus one forward, uh, next time you use magic, so just the first time you use magic after that you’ll get a plus one on the roll. You can get a protection spell on your haven, which makes it safe from monsters. Monsters cannot enter. You can get an armory, where you have a stockpile of weapons. If you need a special weapon, you can roll plus Weird. On a ten plus you have it, on a seven to nine you have it but only the minimum. I don’t really know what that means. Or on a miss you have the wrong thing. We might use that for, you know, tools and not weapons since we do have kind of another way of getting you all gear in— in—

Justin: Right.

Griffin: There’s an infirmary where you can help heal people, a workshop where you can repair things. There is the oubliette like I mentioned. There is the panic room, which has supplies where you can hide out for a few days, safe from pretty much anything, and a magical laboratory where you can uh, find tools needed for casting spells including ‘big magic’ which is a thing that we haven’t really gone over but um, yeah. So those are your options. I want each of you to pick one room to sort of uh, repair and build in the cellar of Amnesty Lodge.

Travis: I think I’m going to go with magical library ‘cause— laboratory, because it specifically like mentions big magic, which is a thing that I would like to start exploring.

Griffin: Real quick, big magic is something that is bigger than the, um, it’s bigger than like the capabilities of what the magic-using moves are in the game. So think like, for instance, resurrecting a dead party member is a thing you can do with big magic. But the terms and conditions of big magic are entirely up to me. I can make it cost whatever the fuck I want it to cost, I can make it as arduous as I want to make it. I can also just say like, ‘No, you can’t resurrect anybody. You don’t know how, that is just not possible.’ But if you want to accomplish something that is sort of outside the rules of the game, and we sort of agree on the terms of it, then big magic is what you do. So I guess if you had the magical laboratory, you’d have a place to do it and I would probably make it a little easier for you to at least get the shit that you’d need to do it.

Travis: Well let me ask you this: magical laboratory seems like it would make it easier for me to do it—

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: —but mystical library seems like it would be a better excuse for Aubrey to know how to do things that up ‘til now she has not been able to do.

Griffin: Here’s what I’ll say, because I want this to sort of be our ethos in playing this game rather than how we play D&D: don’t min-max this. What’s going to be more interesting for you. For Aubrey to have—

Travis: I think, I think it’s gonna be the library, because that’s the thing, up ‘til now, she’s been really hungry to learn anything about magic, learn how to do other magic, and her mentor person over in Sylvain told her to like try to take some time to study and pay attention, so.

Griffin: So when you use the mystical library, you’ve got like a collection of tomes from Janelle, maybe like a small collection that she allows you to take with you and when you’re working on your magic stuff, you have a place to do it now and also have sort of this kind of small, but it could be useful, mechanical benefit as well. Now, I will say I don’t want you coming back to your magi— Like if you’re out in the middle of a battle, and you’re like, ‘I need to hit it with a really good fireball. I’m just gonna go back to the mystical laboratory real quick and get the buff’ like, I would not do that.

Travis: It’s like a prep thing. I got you.

Griffin: Yeah, uh, okay! Juice, dad?

Clint: In character I think Ned would— would go for a panic room, but I can’t see that being very…

Justin: I was just thinking about that, it’s like, narratively, like where would that—

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: —be interesting for us to hide out.

Griffin: Here’s what I’ll say. If you wanna do a panic room, I’ll find a way to give you a good panic room scenar— like— and I’ll— I’ll say this: if you don’t pick panic room— [crosstalk]

Justin: [crosstalk] —whole episode: I can remember all the good times we’ve had together. Let’s just think about a few of them again.

Griffin: I will also say if you don’t pick panic room, I am also going to think of a scenario that is gonna make you say ‘God I wish we’d picked a fucking panic room.’

Travis: Well, and that’s the thing is panic rooms are not just good for you, but if we have another thing like Calvin or something where it’s like this person is in danger?

Clint: Well, yeah. Along the same lines, though, the infirmary— I mean, how many times have we had somebody have to go to the hospital so far?

Travis: Eh.

Clint: Just in, you know, in the arc.

Griffin: Yeah, I— again, do the thing that to you, you think is gonna be the most fictionally interesting.

Clint: Ah, okay, I’m gonna stick with my initial gut instinct and— and I want a panic room.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: But I want a really cool one. With like, dart boards, you know, and you know, air mattresses and not cots.

Griffin: Yeah, I like the idea of it just being like a big sort of cinder block room that is sort of carved out of the ground, like a very very sturdy room with a heavy metal door that you can lock from— lock from inside or outside if you so choose.

Clint: Cans and cans and cans of French Onion soup.

Griffin: Yeah, this is like your bug-out room where if shit gets very, very, very bad, you all have a place to hide, or you have, you know, a safe place to store somebody or a place to put somebody that you don’t want going anywhere for a little while. I really like that pick. I think that’s good. Uh, Juice.

Justin: I am going to do the infirmary, but the only thing that I have is the— we have, sort of like, a wildlife rescue center, you know, for like— especially for animals that are injured or what have you, so the only gear and equipment and meds that I was able to swipe, or, sorry, borrow, were ones designed for animals. So I have— we have an infirmary, all the tools and meds are designed for animals. So using the things there is going to be a bit— a bit more challenging.

Griffin: I like that very much! Okay, so we have a mystical library, a panic room, and an infirmary down here. I’ll give you the rec room for free, you have a nice place to chill out and play Crash Bandicoot—

Justin: Hell yeah!

Griffin: Cool! So you all have a haven, please remember that you have it whenever you need sort of an in-fiction place to do these things, whether it’s treating wounds or learning about magic or you need a place to bug out, that is sort of why this place exists. And now that we’ve done that, we need to answer the questions that we do here on The Adventure Zone. You remember, we’ve done them exactly once before: Did we conclude the current mystery?

Travis: Yes!

Justin: I think yes!

Griffin: The— talking about the French Onion Soup mystery, we concluded the fuck out of it.

Travis: Solved it!

Griffin: Did we save someone from certain death or worse?

Clint: [crosstalk] Gosh, more than once.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeeaahh…

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: Couple of times!

Travis: We did the old people in the pool, we did Calvin—

Griffin: Yes, ok, I’ll do that. Yeah, the old— I don’t know that you necessarily saved Calvin— well, I mean, yeah, sure, I think you saved Calvin—

Clint: We saved Jake! He was gon— he was gonna bite it.

Justin: Yeah, Jake was gonna beef it.

Travis: Yeeahh!

Griffin: Oh, that’s right. Okay, yes, you saved lots of people. Did we learn something about the— did we learn something new and important about the world?

Travis: Yeeaah…

Griffin: I think your visit to Sylvain alone, that episode, you learned quite a bit. [Travis: Yeah.] Did we learn something new and important about one of the hunters?

Travis: I can do different types of magic! Also, Duck fuckin’ loves French Onion Soup!

Griffin: Yeah, we learned a lot about that. Uh, ok, yeah. So if you get three or four questions as yes, you mark two experience points.

Justin: Hell yeah.

Griffin: So with that, we should have— I know all of you at least levelled up once during this arc, in this Lunar Interlude, maybe some of you twice— let’s get to it. Let’s start with— uh, let’s start with Ned. Ned, how are you doing on experience?

Clint: Ned has levelled up exactly once.

Griffin: Cool.

Clint: Yeah, because of his high success rate in rolls.

Griffin: Cool! So you have a— you see the improvements section. [Clint: Right.] You can increase sharp, tough, cool, or charm by 1, unless you’ve— what was your last one, you got an ally, right? You gained a— a crony in Kirby, which you didn’t really use this time. I would encourage you to remember that—

Clint: Well I tried, I tried to, we weren’t around him very much!

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a good point.

Clint: Can you come back to me?

Griffin: Yeah. Duck, let’s start with you. What— what’s— how many— what was your levelling up situation like? You did beef it a few times.

Justin: Mmhmm, yeah. I levelled up, and then I have one extra. [Griffin: Okay.] One extra experience. I think that I am going to… There’s a move here, uh, Devastating— when you inflict harm, you may inflict plus 1 harm. I was thinking about that, but that seems like similar to Tough, like, cause I increased my Ass-Kicking abilities last time. [Griffin: Sure.] And I think that I am gonna go with… take 1 Sharp. I feel like he’s learning, like— he’s never been in situations like this before, but he is learning about them, and he has been through some stuff at this point that has like heightened his senses a little bit. [Griffin: Mmkay.] That’s maybe part of his, like, power set, or whatever, so.

Griffin: Cool! So take plus— what’s that bring your Sharp up to?

Justin: 2.

Griffin: That’s very good. I mean, it can only go up to three, two is a very very good— good bonus.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay. Let’s— Trav, Dad, who’s ready?

Travis: I am ready. So, there is a spellslinger move called Practitioner. Choose two effects available to you under Use Magic and take plus 1 to Use Magic whenever you choose one of those effects. I’m going to say that she has had enough practice with “inflict harm” and “Do one thing that is beyond human limitations” that she is more capable at achieving those on a regular basis. [Griffin: Cool.] So anytime she does “inflict harm” with magic or “do one thing that is beyond human limitations” with magic, she gets plus 1 to that roll.

Griffin: Just to make clear, the “take harm” Use Magic roll is different from your Attack magic, which is the— every time you roll to Kick Some Ass, and you use the spell that you sort of built out of the— what is it, Blast, Fire, Force thing, that’s— that is not Use Magic, that is just your Attack. This would be like, if you, I don’t know, wanted to…

Travis: Well, so that’s the thing, is now she’s getting more access to more stuff, [Griffin: Right.] so like, fire, force, and wind are effects that she can do with her Attack, [Griffin: Right.] but if I wanted to just hurt someone, like a magical punch that wasn’t hurt by something, that would be like Inflict Harm. So Inflict Harm is just like a magical laceration kind of thing.

Griffin: Yes, cool. I just wanted to make— make it clear that you—

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, I know. Yeah, I know.

Griffin: [crosstalk] You don’t get plus 1 every time you Kick Some Ass. Okay, yeah, I like that a lot. I think that totally makes— makes sense. So go ahead and mark that down.

Dad. There’s no— there’s no other people on the podcast, so now you have to go.

Clint: Okay. Ned’s gonna go with a Crew. It’s a team of three or four people who will help you out with pretty much anything— not like Kirby, who’s, you know, an assistant he can call on a regular basis. And what I would— I think— it should have something to do with, you know, the Saturday Night Dead.

Griffin: Okay?

Clint: From the people who love the movie show, they love the TV show.

Travis: Like a fan club.

Clint: Like a fan club, yes.

Griffin: You’re an influencer to fans of Saturday Night Dead, who—

Justin: The Deadites.

Griffin: The Deadites, who we will consider—

Justin: The Dead Heads! [laughs]

Travis: I can’t believe that hasn’t been taken before!

Justin: Yeah, it’s right there!

Griffin: Okay, I like that— I like the idea of you, like, having a fan club who you can talk to by way of the show. Or, like, the fan club message boards, or whatever. Uh, so you have to pick sort of a type, their motivation, and we kind of did this when you picked Kirby to be your subordinate— your subordinate follows your exact instructions, they’re also— that might have to be what this is too, because the other ones are lieutenant, execute the spirit of your instructions; friend, to provide emotional support— probably not? That would be weird scenes to play out.

Clint: No, no.

Griffin: Bodyguard, to intercept danger— that’s also kind of strange—

Justin: [crosstalk] Yesss, so choice.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ned’s in danger, come—

Clint: How about backup? How about backup?

Griffin: That— to stand with you. Um… I mean, that means that you would say on your show, like, “hey, I’m fighting a mummy Friday night at the old tyre lot, be there or be square?” Like—

Clint: Well, but, you know, backup could come in other ways— “Hey, I need somebody who can crack this code,” or “I need somebody who can pick a lock,” or—

Justin: “Knows how to post to Twitter.”

Clint: Somebody who can do repair to— to, you know, my car. I mean, that’s also backup, isn’t it?

Griffin: Uh…

Clint: Service! The service industry!

Griffin: Okay—

Clint: Not— now, I don’t want anybody who’s going to catch a bullet for me or anything, but somebody who, you know, can be a resource.

Griffin: Can I make a suggestion that is in the spirit of this that I think is going to be a much much better fit for the thing you are actually describing? There is a move that you can take from the Flake playbook called Net Friends. You have a— you know a lot of people on the internet. When you contact a Net Friend to help you with a mystery, roll plus Charm. On a 10 plus, they’re available and helpful — they can fix something, break a code, hack a computer, get you special information; on a 7 to 9, they’re prepared to help, but it’s either going to take some time or you’re going to have to do part of it yourself; on a miss, you burn some bridges. I think that— the— and if you disagree and you want to do the Crew, that’s fine also, but like this feels more like the, like, fan club idea that you’re describing, right? And it uses Charm, which is kind of Ned’s thing.

Justin: That’s also like an area that we don’t have much expertise in that could be cool.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: No, I’m all in favour of it, I love it!

Griffin: So that’s Net Friends on the Flake playlist. You have Net Friends now.

Clint: Can we call it something else?

Travis: Nope!

Griffin: We could call it Web Buddies.

Clint: Net Friends it is!

Griffin: Chat— Chat Room Pals!

Travis: Now, to be fair, Dad, I think you heard “Ned Friends.” It was “Net Friends.”

Justin: [laughing] Is it on the Interned? He’s gonna— that’s the name of the website!

Clint: Oohh! The Interned!

Justin/Travis: [simultaneously] The Interned!

[laughing]

[Amnesty Theme begins to play]

Justin: All the denizens of the Interned!

Clint: We’ll get on the Interned!

Griffin: All right, all right. So that’s— that’s gonna do it for this episode of The Adventure Zone: Amnesty, you’ll be able to catch the next one in two weeks. We’re going to put this one out on the Interned. Um, you’ll be able to catch it on the 26th so just dial in to your favourite Interned browser and we’ll be right there waiting for you.

[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]