Taako

"Abracafuck you!"

Taako is a player character in The Balance Arc campaign. He is controlled by Justin McElroy. He is a high-elf wizard with a chaotic good alignment. Taako often provides comic relief.

He is originally from New Elfington. Prior to joining up with Merle Highchurch and Magnus Burnsides he hosted a traveling cooking show, 'Sizzle It Up with Taako', but fled after forty people died in the show's final episode.

Personality
Taako is a disaffected and aloof trickster throughout the series. He is a bit of a kleptomaniac and often loots corpses. He is willing to steal from a corpse, but not from a bank. He rarely shows an emotional state beyond frustration.

While a smooth talker, Taako has little actual charm. He tends to do things because they are funny, regardless of how this may affect strangers. He can be considered both cruel and callous towards those he does not care for. However, Taako has shown the capacity for empathy and kindness towards those he appears to respect. For example, he gives Ren a certificate at the end of The Eleventh Hour.

Intelligence
Towards the beginning of the series, Taako was played off as stupid, as Justin believed this would be "funnier". However, it becomes clear throughout the series that Taako in reality is extremely competent. It can be assumed that Taako pretends to be a "simple idiot wizard" in order to keep people off-guard."I am but a simple idiot Wizard."

During the final Lunar Interlude, Taako figured out that they were trapped in a mind prison. This was due to him being clever enough to simply understand what was happening and pull out of the thrall of the experience.

Issues of Abandonment
It can be assumed that Taako's traumatic past has given him some issues of abandonment. During a date with Kravitz, Taako is asked why he would do something so dangerous. Taako replies that he is "worried no one else will have [him]".

Gender and Sexuality
Taako is a "gay dude". This is considered "100% canonical", according to Justin.

He may or may not be a man, but uses he/him pronouns. He has stated that he's "not a man" under Merle's Zone of Truth. It's unclear if Justin objected to Taako being called a man as that implied he was human or if Taako does not identify as a man, though it is likely he was referencing not being a human as he's mentioned before that man and woman refer to humans, "like isn't a woman and a man like those are humans, right?". Soon after this, he comments that he's not a person either, which would seem to indicate that he meant the former. In other instances, Justin has referred to Taako as a "male fellow".

History
Not much is known about Taako's life. This is mostly due to the Voidfish's interference with the memories of the Tres Horny Boys.

It is known Taako is over sixty-five years old. It can be assumed that Taako is over one hundred years old, since elves are not considered adults until that age. There is a possibility that Taako went by another name before he reached adulthood. Upon reaching adulthood, elves choose their own names.

Early Life
Taako is known to have lived with his grandfather on a farm before a war. He learned cooking from an aunt. Taako and his twin sister, Lup, were passed around between family members, never sticking with any for long, after the age of 12. They learned to trust only each other.

Taako and his sister had been on the road since the age of 12. They made their livings with troupes of performers and mercenaries, trying to find a place where they belonged. Taako served as a chef with these travelling crews in order to pay his way. During this time, Taako internalized an avoidance to physical conflict. He also picked up enough magical techniques from wizards in the party to be dangerous.

Taako and Lup graduated top of their class at the magic academy they attended.

Not much else is known about Taako's early life before The Stolen Century and he does not appear to be keen to share.

The Stolen Century
Taako joined the Institute of Planar Research with his twin sister, Lup, after reaching adulthood, presumably after the age of one hundred, to become part of his world's first group of explorers. They acted as both chefs and arcanists during the expedition, being sources of magical information.

Before leaving their home world, the crew goes to a biker bar to party and fight. Taako and Lup spend their time hustling people at pool. They take the losers' magical shoes since cash is worthless to them at this point.

On the day of the launch, Taako chose to wear both a red robe and a red jacket. As the storm starts to consume their world, the crew catches sight of The Hunger. They decide to evade and not return until after the danger has passed. When they touch back down, they realize they're not in the same plane they left.

Cycle One
Being good at languages, the twins spend their first year talking to the animals and learning history in The Animal Kingdom. The first animals they are able to speak to is a family of mongooses. It is possible this led to Taako's identification with the animals. The animal language is only learned by Taako, Lup, and Barry Bluejeans. The crew goes with Magnus to try to gain access to The Light of Creation. After causing a scene, Magnus and the rest of the crew enter the animal's High Court. While translating for the crew, Taako tells the animals that they are called "Taakos".

Taako and Lup were the first to flee when The Hunger caught up to them in The Animal Kingdom. While Lup took time to take potshots at The Hunger, Taako bolted without heeding the status of the other.

Sizzle It Up with Taako
Six years before the Eleventh Hour, Taako was a TV cook on the show 'Sizzle It Up with Taako'. As television does not exist in The Adventure Zone's Balance arc universe, this was a road show that traveled from town to town.

When he noticed that audiences were flagging, he began learning magic in order to spice up his performances. He taught himself magic from books he picked up and from wizards he traveled around with. He toured with Sazed, who acted as his driver, roadie, stage manager, and right hand man. Sazed thought Taako "hung the moon" and learned how to cook during their travels together. As the show grew in popularity, Sazed asked to do more and more with the show, even asking to co-host the show and change the name to Sizzle It Up with Taako and Sazed. Taako said no, due to merchandising issues and maintaining his brand.

For the final episode, the show entered Glamorsprings. The town had enjoyed the show before and forty people attended the show that day. He prepared his famous 30 Garlic Clove Chicken for his audience that day. During the show he showboated his magical skills. Unbeknownst to Taako, the chicken he had prepared has been poisoned by Sazed. When the first person began to die, Taako and Sazed ran. He assumed that the garnish of elderberries he had used on the chicken had been unwittingly transmuted into deadly nightshade. The two of them drove for two days together, but Sazed abandoned him as soon as he had the opportunity.

The Balance Arc Campaign
Taako entered The Balance Arc campaign not long after the failure of his TV show, 'Sizzle It Up with Taako'.

The Taco Quest
Taako is on a noble quest to find a perfect alternative to a sandwich in all of its savory goodness. In Episode 68 his quest is completed as Joaquin Terrero, a young man in the Plane of Thought, guides him in making his first taco. Before this, Taako had also discovered several components of taco on his own.

Magnus Burnsides
Brother from another mother. Taako is homies enough with Magnus that Magnus steals his clothes during the Halloween Live Show for a Halloween costume.

Angus McDonald
Angus McDonald meets the boys on the Rockport Limited. During that time, they play tricks on him, but are endeared to his can-do detective attitude. Taako, in particular, takes a liking to the boy. He begins teaching Angus magic.

Taako reveals his backstory to Angus as a cautionary tale about transmutation. It's noted as a particularly vulnerable moment for the normally aloof elf. He shows considerable pride in Angus' developing magical abilities.

During the events of the "Reunion Tour" interludes, Taako states that Angus is the only person he truly trusts and considers him "precious", and in the Live Boston Stunt Spectacular, calls him "his boy".

Kravitz
Kravitz is currently considered Taako's romantic interest, if not significant other. Clint McElroy provided the shipping name "Taakitz".

Kravitz began hunting down the boys in the Crystal Kingdom arc, managing to steal away Merle's arm. However, when he appeared in his "handsome" material form, Taako began flirting with him. He is deemed "Bone Daddy".

Emergence as a Love Interest
After the Eleventh Hour, Kravitz confronted Taako about the numerous deaths that occurred in Refuge. Unable to complete their conversation due to a call from the Raven Queen, Kravitz gave Taako his far-speech frequency so they could complete the conversation about what should happen.

Taako takes Kravitz on a date to the Chug n' Squeeze to attend a couple's pottery class together. While Kravitz is late for the meeting, he's flustered by the seemingly romantic location. Taako states that he thought the public setting would be "less weird" and that he was afraid to put himself into private with someone so dangerous. Kravitz reassures Taako that he's not interested in hurting him.

At the end of the night, Kravitz asks if the date was for "business or pleasure," and Taako answers, "a little of both." When Kravitz transforms into his skeleton form while detecting an evil presence, Taako says, "Love this."

Love Interest Canonical Context
During the finale, the romantic relationship between Kravitz and Taako is confirmed, first by Lup, then through a thrilling scene of reunion.

Prior to the finale, Justin and Griffin had stated that the relationship is probably canonical. Justin noted he does not wish to detail any dates between the two, as he believes it's important that the fandom should be left to have the discretion. However, he has said "it seemed like they had a fun time, I guess, they seemed to really enjoy each other's company". Justin has also said that roleplaying future dates would be strange due to the fact that Griffin, who plays Kravitz, is his brother. "It is ... weird to go on fantasy dates with my brother". Justin also makes it clear that the discomfort is in no way related to Taako’s sexuality.

It is canon that they share a home with pet cats, who Susan cares for much to Taako's disliking. Taako hates Susan, Kravitz knows that. He doesn't need to like her for her to feed the cats.

Lup
Lup is Taako's twin sister who was, for much of the Balance Arc, caught inside the Umbra Staff.

The two spent their childhood together, trusting only each other. Upon reaching adulthood, they both joined up with the IPRE and remained close throughout the entirety of the Stolen Century. Eventually, through circumstances neither could control, Lup went missing and all memory of her was lost to the Voidfish.

During the finale, they are reunited. (He's not losing her again.)

Powers and Abilities
Taako is a high elf wizard specializing in transmutation. He has advantage on saving throws against being charmed, immunity to sleep spells, and can perform minor alchemy. He is also right-handed.

Racial Abilities
It can be assumed that Taako has racial abilities most resembling elves from The Forgotten Realms. This includes darkvision and only needing four hours of trance-like rest to restore health.

Spells
The following are the spells known by Taako.

Please note, that most low-level spells can be cast at an additionally higher level for a stronger effect.

Cantrips
Cantrips are spells which can be cast at any time. Taako knows 5 of these.

1st - 8th Level
Taako has # of 1st spell slots.

Items
Items both currently owned and lost by Taako throughout the show.

Current Items
These are items currently within Taako's possession as of the most recent episode. Most are probably stolen.

Former Items
These are items which were lost or given away.

Stolen Items
Taako has a propensity for stealing items. These are the items he has stolen so far.
 * Gold and Silver pieces (taken from a dead gerblin) - ended up splitting them with the rest of the party
 * Sack full of Golden Teeth (stolen from Yeemick's corpse, another gerblin)
 * Magic Boots of Striding and Springing (stolen from Thardin's corpse, later given to Magnus)
 * 320 Gold (stolen from a lock box)
 * Enchanted feather duster (stolen from Killian)
 * Bag of coins (stolen from Davenport)
 * Golden tiara (stolen from empty train car, later sold to Fantasy Costco)
 * Silver serving set (originally belonging to Angus, stolen from empty train car, gave 3 forks back to Angus, sold the rest to Fantasy Costco)
 * Briefcase (stolen from empty train car)
 * Stun baton (stolen from an unconscious and stunned Maarvey)
 * Kravitz's heart

Known Physical Traits
Disclaimer: The McElroys do not consider their versions of their characters any more "canon" than anyone else's - there is no obligation to stick to these in fanart, so please do not be rude to people for ignoring these traits.

Official Outfits
Usually, Taako is dressed as a typical elf wizard in fresh as hell threads.

Deaths and Major Injuries
Taako has died and been knocked unconscious a number of times throughout the show.

Unconscious Count
Taako has been knocked unconscious 5 times.
 * 1) Knocked unconscious by Magic Brian during a wizard duel in Wave Echo Cave.
 * 2) Knocked unconscious by Sloane in the Goldcliff bank.
 * 3) Knocked unconscious by Kravitz's crystal bomb in Lucas' Lab.
 * 4) Knocked unconscious by Lydia in Wonderland.
 * 5) Knocked unconscious by Final John in Ep. 69, before being revived by Pan.

Death Count
Taako has died a total of 19 times.
 * 1) While he was traveling through other planes as a Red Robe, Taako died 8 times without crossing over to the Astral Plane.
 * 2) Killed by the Justices in the 65th cycle.
 * 3) Taako died a total of 11 times during the events of The Eleventh Hour.

Quotes
"'How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone.'"

"'Be who you are and say how you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'" "'Don't look for society to give you permission to be yourself.'""'Where's your will to be weird?'""'Some people say you're going the wrong way when its simply a way of your own.'""'Nothing makes one feel so strong as a call for help.'""'The highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.'" - Taako, Taako Time 

"Hail and well met, my dudes."

"Abra-ka fuck you!"

"I'm Mike Myers as Lorne Michaels having a stroke!"

"Between the fan and the fancy umbrella, I'm one 17 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara."

"Taako's good out here!"

Trivia

 * Due to a magical accident with his first spell, everything he drinks tastes like key-lime Go-Gurt.
 * Taako has seen Magnus's ass sometime between the Craig's List Ad and the Here There Be Gerblins arc.
 * While living in the dorms, Taako took the top bunk (above Magnus). Although he wears footie pajamas, Taako also sleeps in a sleeping sack due to his night terrors.
 * Prior to their adventure in Goldcliff, Taako had never been in a garage before.
 * The animal that most characterizes his state of being is a mongoose.
 * Taako's favorite candy is Ferrero Rocher.
 * Taako avoids cooking for people he cares about because he is afraid of poisoning them, a fear coming from the poisoning that happened when his TV show, Sizzle It Up with Taako, was still live.
 * Taako enjoys fishing.
 * Despite referring to the sweets he made for everyone during Candlenights as "macaroons," Taako's description of the ingredients used suggests he actually made macarons, which are almond-based unlike macaroons (coconut-based.) It is unclear if Taako is calling macarons "macaroons" (a common error) or if Justin does not know the pronunciation difference.
 * All of Taako's spells are exquisite.
 * Although the fandom has largely accepted Taako’s last name as “Taaco”, this was never actually canonized, and is just a joke Travis once made. Taako doesn't have a canonical last name.
 * Taako may be a vegetarian. He tells Magic Brian he is one, it's unclear if he may have been messing with him since he alludes to eating meat or if Justin forgot.
 * Despite being supposedly allergic to peanuts, he eats Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups.
 * Taako invented surfing after getting the idea from seeing a gift Merle made for Magnus get thrown into the ocean, and watching it ride the waves.
 * The taco that Joaquin teaches Taako to make is a picadillo taco.
 * Taako was the one to figure out how to defeat The Hunger and save everyone.