Ep. 38: The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Ten

"Aw, damn. Ghosts? I didn't sign up for ghosts!  Guess that's the cost of doing business in The Adventure Zone!"

Synopsis
''It's time for the final confrontation. Who's been hunting our heroes all throughout this campaign? What's Lucas really after? Why is Merle getting just completely boned in every fight? Answers to these questions and more linger just behind the play button. Taako has a plan. Magnus has a snack. Merle says his prayers.''

The Tres Horny Boys, along with NO-3113 and Carey Fangbattle, have just finished kicking the robot asses of their past enemies, and are now ready to move onto the next room. NO-3113 kicks open the hatch to the main experiment chamber, and Griffin describes what seems to be a room fit for a climactic standoff.

Griffin notes that, unlike the other rooms so far, this room is only partially crystallized. In fact, it almost looks like it's been perfectly shaped to encompass the ceiling, where it has sort of crept in some vents in the ceiling and through some very narrow exterior windows, some exterior vents, leading outside. On the floor is a bunch of deactivated robots, and, on the opposite side of the boys, is a gigantic locked door.

Hanging from the crystalline ceiling is a stalactite containing a robot. She has the shape of human woman, and, like most of the other robots in Lucas's lab, has a lit-up fuse in its torso. She is also holding an object in each hand. In her right hand, which she has extended out in front of her,  she's holding a large, silver disk, that's comprised of a series of interlocking rings, etched with a really intricate pattern that kind of resembles circuitry, all leading to a bright, small, pulsing light in the center of the disk. And in her left hand, which is to her side, is the Philosophers Stone. About ten feet away from where her disc is pointed is a large, circular pedestal with a mirror made of sapphire floating right above it, much like the ones floating around in the Cosmoscope chamber.

Inside the mirror is another world, also like the Cosmoscope mirrors, and, in that world, are tens of thousands of floating white lights sailing over a giant lake comprised of swirling rainbow-hued waters. These lights float, occasionally interacting with each other, and dive under the water, causing a ripple of light to move across the surface of the lake. On this strange lake is an island containing a large, intimidating fortress made of stone and steel. Outside the mirror, a head-bandaged Lucas, who is holding an improvised hammer in his hands, stands under the stalactite containing the robot. Lucas futilely attempts to break open the stalactite, before giving up and collapsing onto his hammer. Lucas notices the boys as NO-3113 kicks open the hatch, and, exhausted, says:

After a quick look around the room, Magnus, along with Carey and NO-3113, jumps down to where Lucas is located, and, without breaking stride, picks him up by the neck for a Batman-style interrogation. Lucas, who doesn't have strongest of wills, starts telling the boys his story. Lucas explains that he had lied when he told the Director that he found the Philosophers Stone a couple weeks ago, when, in reality, he actually had it for four months. He tells them that he found it for his mother, who had spent her whole life studying the planes and the realities that lie beyond our own. He explains that the Cosmoscope was her life's work, and that, when the mirrors are arranged in a certain way, you can see into alternate realities with it. However, she wasn't able to complete it until Lucas used the Stone to create more mirrors.

Lucas explains that his mother insisted on testing the Cosmoscope, and once she used it the way it was intended, her mind was instantly destroyed. After that, Lucas became obsessed with saving her, so he created the conduit, a device capable of storing a living spirit and giving it agency over a robotic body, so she would have a new body to live in. He also created the siphon, which he could use to find her in the astral plane and fish her out. He explains to NO-3113 that she was the first person he used these two inventions on, and apologizes to her for dragging her into this. He tells them that it wasn't until this morning that he finally found his mother in the astral plane mirror, and that, once he extracted her, he put her soul into a custom conduit specially made for her. However, Lucas explains, her mind was too far gone, and she started to attack him, forcing him to hide out in the medbay. Eventually, his mother would use the Stone to crystallize herself, the siphon, and the rest of the lab, leading to the situation they're currently in. Magnus isn't moved by Lucas's story, however, and he chastises him for keeping all this information away from them, instead of just telling them truth. Lucas starts sobbing, and Magnus drops him back onto the ground.

Suddenly, Kravitz's voice comes out from the mirror.

From inside the mirror, the boys see Kravitz in his true form, which looks like a strikingly handsome dark-haired wearing a fancy suit that is covered by a long black flowing cowled robe. He explains that Lucas is guilty of Necromancy, a crime which the people he works for aren't fond of. Magnus, recognizing the similarities, realizes that Kravitz might be Death.

Kravitz tells them that he is a bounty hunter working for The Raven Queen, and whose job is to hunt down wayward souls who have escaped from the astral plane or the Eternal Stockade, the fortress on the lake, and also where souls who have conspired to escape the astral plane are locked up. Kravitz conjures up the book that he consulted with earlier, and decrees Lucas to be guilty of aiding his deceased mother, Maureen, in breaking her out of the Eternal Stockade and bringing her back into the mortal realm.

Kravitz flips through the book in front of him, and tells Taako that he has died 8 times and not once has he checked into the astral plane. The boys are instantly confused as they don't remember Taako ever dying eight times, and Griffin assures them that they've been knocked unconscious but nobody has died. Kravitz flips through the book again, and tells Magnus that he has died 19 times and has made zero trips to the astral plane. Last, but not least, is Merle Highchurch.

Kravitz's robe starts to grow longer, and his face becomes a red-eyed skull as he angrily tallies up the boys' death count. A scythe suddenly materializes in Kravitz's hand, and the start to see something happening in the Eternal Stockade behind Kravitz. While Kravitz continues his spiel, they see a swarm of those shimmering grey lights start to pour out of its few narrow barred windows and doors. The lights start to gell and morph together to form a massive spectral hand which begins to slowly sneak up on Kravitz. Kravitz tries to convince the boys and Lucas to come along quietly, when, suddenly, the spectral hand grabs Kravitz, slams him onto the ground multiple times, and drags him into the Eternal Stockade. After Kravitz is dispatched, the group starts to hear the crinkle-tinkles again, and the fourth verse of the Crystal Kingdom song plays out. However, this time it seems to be coming from the robot in the stalactite, but, unlike the last few times, it's a chorus of voices instead of just one: "Kept from our children, lovers, friends""Subject to laws we did not make""This is where separation ends""And souls of the lost will come awake""Enter this crystal kingdom"A brilliant white beam of light shoots out of the disc that Maureen's robot form inside the stalactite is holding and pierces the mirror. A swarm of escaped souls bashes out of the mirror at a fast speed, and they begin to, again, organically meld together into a silvery goo that encases the floating mirror entirely. And, from that goo, a humongous skeletal form appears. It has two massive bony arms, a rib cage, torso, that's sort of sticking out of the mirror, and a large shrouded skull. Inside of the silvery substance making up its form are these faint faces, most of which seem to be locked in a grimace. From this gigantic skeletal being speaks a cacophony of voices that all speak simultaneously, and it says:

Legion turns to the group, and pleads for them to help them in their cause of destroying the barriers between life and death. Merle calls for a group huddle first, which Legion obliges to.

Taako does an investigation check to make sure that nobody that they know is part of Legion. He sees Magic Brian, Jenkins, and Maarvey, who apparently weren't obliterated by Merle after all, in the mass of faces. Legion once again asks the group if they will help them in their cause, and all three boys answer with a collective "no". Merle tells Legion that he appreciates that they bothered to ask them first, as it's just good etiquette, but it's still gonna have to be a no. Meanwhile, as Merle distracts Legion, Magnus starts to stealthily creep towards the mirror that Legion is in, in order to smash it. Legion rolls a 19 on its perception check, however, and it smashes two of its fists near the ground where Magnus is standing. Suddenly, sixteen gray balls of light come out from the mirror, and possess the deactivated robots.

[Money Zone]

First up in the order is Carey, who, along with NO-3113, decides to take on the robots while the boys handle Legion. She does a badass roll over NO-3113's shoulders, stabs two of the robots in their core, deactivating them, and throws her dagger into a third robot, taking it out of commission. NO-3113 cocks her gun arm and blasts away three more robots. Legion rears back its massive skeletal right arm, and grabs Magnus. It brings him up to its face, and roars at him. Magnus roars back, but Legion isn't fazed. Legion then pitches Magnus at a wall, doing eleven damage to him, but, luckily, Magnus is able to land on his feet and continue fighting. For its second move, Legion points a finger at Taako, and a small silver flame appears above his head. Merle decides to cast Guardian of Faith, summoning Della Reese six feet above the group. Up next are the ten robots, who all turn towards Taako and, like a firing line, shoot fiery beams at him with their blasters, doing nineteen damage. After they finish roasting Taako, the silver flame above his head disappears. Magnus prepares to charge back up to Legion, but asks Lucas if destroying the mirror will get rid of it first. Having made up his mind, Magnus charges at the mirror while double handling his axe, and attacks it, with the damage done going towards Legion instead of the mirror. Magnus does a goading attack on Legion, which succeeds, and uses his second attack to swing again, doing eight damage. Not quite finished, Magnus uses his Action Surge, and does another thirteen damage to Legion.

Taako scopes out where the robots are situated, and delays his turn. Carey and NO-3113 do a joint attack where NO-3113 throws Carey, who spins with her knives, and takes out seven of the remaining robots. Legion conjures some spirits from the Stockade, and they meld with it, healing it for nineteen damage. It then summons fourteen spirits, who possess more of the robots, bringing the robot count up to seventeen. Merle starts to Channel Divinity, and, holding his Extreme Teen Bible in the air, casts Turn Undead on Legion and the robots. The robots manage to save, but Legion does not. Despite this, instead of being destroyed, Legion kind of "splats", and its body begins to scatter around the room. As Legion's body is splattered, it is sent flying into the Danger Zone, where Della Reese resides.

The pieces of Legion immediately creep towards the middle of the room, where they begin to form back together. Griffin rolls a dice to see who the robots target next, and they all point their guns at Lucas, blasting him to shit. As Lucas lies on the ground smoldering, Taako casts Shatter on the stalactite holding the robot body, and manages to break it open and free it. The stalactite falls onto the ground, crystallizing the room, and the robot stands up, still holding both the disc and the Philosopher's Stone. As it moves, it starts to walk in one direction but then jerks itself backwards towards another direction. One of its arms begins pointing towards the mirror and the other starts grabbing that arm and pulling it down, almost like it's fighting with itself. The robot bends over into the fetal position, and, from its conduit in the middle of its body, a dozen spirits fly out of it, "as if they've been thrown out of it, DJ Jazzy Jeff style." The robot stands back up, points its finger at Legion, and says: After shouting that kick-ass line, Maureen holds the Philosopher's Stone to her chest, and the growing crystallization happening in the room gets sucked into the fallen stalactite, stopping the spreading. Magnus demands Maureen to give him the Stone, but she is hesitant, seeing as he attacked her son earlier. Fortunately, he is able to convince her, and she tosses him the Stone. As soon as he grabs, Magnus hears the voice of the Philosophers Stone try to persuade him into using it. Ignoring this, Magnus rips the glove of the Null Suit, and folds it around the Stone. Magnus then takes out the Glutton's Fork, taps it on the Philosophers Stone, and swallows it. An exasperated Griffin reminds Travis that the Glutton's Fork only works on non-magical objects, and the Philosophers Stone is pretty magical, meaning it will still remain a stone.

Magnus regains two hit points from eating the pastry, but also loses two hit points for "swallowing a motherfucking rock", balancing things out. Having sort of handled the problem of the Philosophers Stone, Magnus attacks the mirror with his axe, doing eleven damage, and puts a small crack in it. The picture of the Eternal Stockade vanishes from the mirror, and it falls to the ground, pinning Magnus under it. As the mirror deactivates, Legion lets out a scream of rage. Meanwhile, NO-3113 and Carey do some "dope shit", and take out five robots. Travis takes this moment to express regret at eating the Philosophers Stone.

Legion, who has managed to fully reform, attacks a prone Magnus, doing thirty-one points of damage. Maureen runs up to Lucas, and repeatedly smashes her hands into the ground until the wires are fully exposed. Using these exposed wires, she is able to successfully defibrillate him back to life. As all of this is happening, Merle is having a crisis of faith due to being nearly killed, being lied to by "Pan", and having his arm chopped off, all in the span of one arc. Seeking Guidance, Merle does a quick prayer to Pan. Golden leaves very slowly start to bud and sprout from his soulwood arm, and the branches that form the arm start to mold his fingers into a finger-gun that points at Legion.

Merle looks at Legion and, with the help of Pan, casts Banishment.

The golden leaves that sprouted from Merle's hand force his thumb down as if the finger-gun has just fired, and the leaves blow with a breeze that is coming in through the windows, encircling Legion, who lets out a Big "NO", before imploding into a small, silvery hole that swallows up the remaining spirits.

[Theme Tune Plays]

Money Zone
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Personal message for Sarah Bay from Cody Singletary: Happy birthday to my wonderful wife. I hope hearing our favorite DM read this message is almost as good a present as finishing up your PhD. Thanks for getting me obsessed with podcasts by introducing me to TAZ. It got a little out of control after that, and still is. I love you and can't wait to finally live in the same place this summer.

Personal message for CJ, from Patrick: Wishing the best boyfriend ever good luck matching a residency program. Wherever you end up, you'll do great. I still love how when I played you Episode 1.5 to suck you into The Adventure Zone, you played dumb and pretended you weren't already secretly caught up. Thanks for being the Sloane to my Hurley. I love you so much, and I'm so lucky that I met you.

Personal message for Coleslaw, from Bjore's Bounty Incorporated: Happy birthday to the best DM we know. It's been just about a year since you had this crazy D&D idea, and every week since has been a magical adventure full of smashed doors, spider buddies, and arrows through the coccyx. We hope your constitution saving throw against birthday hangovers was a success. Love, Dinwin,  Melo, Venoran, and Nyla.

Featured NPCs

 * NO-3113
 * Carey Fangbattle
 * Lucas Miller
 * Maureen Miller
 * Kravitz
 * Legion

Featured Locations

 * Lucas's Lab

Music

 * Legion (Or: A Pile of Ghosts)
 * Crystal Kingdom - Verse 4