Ep. 20: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Three

"Goonies never say die... but dungeon masters do! Ooo... it's the Adventure Zone!"

Synopsis
Full transcript available here.

''In this installment, the question isn't 'Will our heroes survive,' it's, 'What's going to kill them first?' Our money's on either the elevator shaft full of sentient vines, or the godlike criminal waiting for them at the top of said shaft. Magnus has an embarrassing pants accident. Taako runs out of juice. Merle goes walking in Memphis.''

We rejoin our heroes dangling from a rope in an elevator shaft surrounded by murderous vines. It’s been 21 days since the McElroys recorded, and Travis, Clint, and Justin are no more prepared to save themselves than they were three weeks hence.

Justin attempts to solve the rope puzzle by switching to another DnD game entirely, involving giants and possibly steam beasts (see Quotes below).

Travis makes the first reference to the McElroy TAZ Fancast, and Griffin reminds everyone about the situation with the rope.

Magnus attempts to solve the rope puzzle by using The Secret, by putting together a vision board of being saved. Unfortunately, the living vines have also been creating a vision board of consuming the trio. Clint wants to sex-talk the vines again, but he’s already done it twice that day and he’s all out of plant talk mojo.

CLIMB MOUNT MAGNUS
Magnus eventually gets to the plan: Merle climbs Taako and then climbs Magnus, Taako climbs Magnus, and then they’ll all climb the rope. Taako points out that he’s not that good at climbing. Magnus asks Taako to make someone lighter so he can Andre the Giant this shit. Taako is all out of spell slots.

As Merle begins climbing, Taako has to make a tickle check, because Merle has got those little dwarven fingers (and he climbs saying “giddy-giddy-giddy!”). Everyone is successful, and Merle tickle climbs his way up Taako and Magnus “like some little tickle goat scaling a mountain.”

Taako begins to climb, but only rolls a five. He attempts to scale Magnus, but he accidentally grabs Magnus’s belt, which pulls Magnus’s pants right off. As the pants fall off, Taako loses his grip on Magnus’s pants and begins to fall into the vines. He blinks out of existence. Magnus yells to a suddenly empty space, “Why didn’t you do that before you pulled my pants off?” Justin answers back, “That wouldn’t have helped anybody.” Travis, quietly: “It would have helped my dick.”

The party decides to try the old wrecking ball trick: to swing into the door to floor 13. Merle wants to know if Emmanuel is coming up on the vines, but no, Emmanuel is dead, and Merle needs to be more careful with his belongings. Magnus and Merle are swinging back and forth, back and forth, and Magnus’s whole zone is out, giving them a bit more momentum.

Merle makes an attack on the door, which is not very successful (a 3). He comes in at the door hot, rears back with his hammer, brings it in full speed… and it turns out Clint rolled a D10. His next roll is a 9+2, which is just barely enough to crack open the door, which reveals a lot more vines.

Meanwhile, Taako is hanging in the ethereal plane. He left a daiquiri over here. A vine threatens Magnus, but Magnus crunches his legs up out of the way, and briefly takes on the persona of a mid-90s high school stoner.

Continuing the theme of unnecessary force against doors, Magnus desperately wants to Phantom Fist open the door to floor 14. It works, and they enter floor 14, which is very much a place of white collar business. “DILBERT,” yells Clint, and he’s not wrong.

Justin has rolled a fake perception check before Magnus pulls his pants up and declares Magnus to be smooth like ET down there.

Let’s go fight some weeds on Floor:20
The party decides to walk the stairs up to the 20th floor, which is shaped like a dome and has a large circular window that overlooks the city. There’s a hole in the wall, and next to it a giant iron door that used to secure the Trust’s vault. Money is strewn everywhere.

The party sees The Raven, resplendent in black leather, which sort of clashes with the Gaia sash tied around her waist. She tells the party they shouldn’t be here. The party doesn’t leave [TAAKO: Our DM won’t let us! THE RAVEN: That’s not my problem!] and the fight begins.

RAVEN FIGHT!
The Raven casts thunderwave, and each member of the party takes 28 damage. Yeowch.

Magnus uses Protection, but Merle still takes a hit from Thornwhip, taking 21 points of damage. Taako and Clint are in the negative hit points.

Magnus, as the only living member of the party, but also the only one who definitely can’t heal anyone, decides to charge her using Railsplitter. His double-handed attack manages to hit The Raven, but a gust of wind pushes the first strike away. Magnus manages to hit with his second strike, slashing her shoulder. The Raven seems surprised.

Magnus goes to attack again, raising his axe one-handed, and then goes to grab the Gaia Sash. He reaches out, but as soon as he touches the sash, he is zapped by 10,000 volts of electricity. It throws him back and he is down to 4 hit points.

Before The Raven can get off another Thunderwave, Hurley swoops into the room and saves the day. She reminds The Raven (whose real name might be Sloane) that she’s not a killer, which causes The Raven to turn into a gray cloud and fly away. Hurley begins to prepare to heal the party, but Merle wants just a few more minutes with Elvis (Elfis). Griffin gives in and ends the episode.

Money Zone
Sponsored by One Month.

Message from Big to Tristan, Lara, and Ainsley: Thanks so much for your hospitality this summer. I loved seeing you and look forward to doing it again soon, and, perhaps, actually meeting an awake Ainsley this time. You’re missed in Boston, and on the MUNT and flip teams, but it’s great to see you doing so well. Also, thanks for introducing me to The Adventure Zone. It’s pretty great. EXCELSIOR!

News and promo for the LA Podfest’s Live Adventure Zone episode and MBMBaM’s Pacific NW tour.

Featured NPCs

 * Sloane
 * Hurley

Featured Locations

 * Goldcliff Trust