Ep. 26: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Nine/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone...

Justin: A large, quasi-real horse-like creature appears on the ground. I decide the creature's appearance, so it looks like a beautiful unicorn. His name is Garyl?-

Griffin: You see a gigantic, armored boar. A massive, massive battle wagon emerges from the dust cloud.

Justin: Son of a bitch...

Griffin: It is a tank in the shape of a shark.

Travis: Oh yeah, those guys. From like a month and a half ago.

Griffin: The walls of the crate and the roof of the crate sort of fall off the sides of the wagon, and it is basically just like a big flatbed, three, uh, humanoids of different races, and they're all wearing cricket masks. And two of them vault over onto, uh, your battle wagon. The third one, they have a glowing purple orb. Taako, you've been dominated. Unsnap your safety harness, and take a diving leap-

Travis: Garyl!

Griffin: -off of the back of the car. And you're snatched out of the air, like a foul ball, and placed down into the sidecar of a motorcycle. You see Klarg the bugbear-

Travis: [Gasp]



[Theme Plays]

[1:57]

Griffin: Just to catch you guys up on what's going on, where you're at, on the racetrack, because, uh, this whole thing has gotten way more convoluted than uh-

[sound of soda can popping]

Griffin: Ooh, is that a Pepsi?

Justin: [laughs] It's Diet Dr. Fantasy Pepper.

Griffin: Okay, ah, ah, It's gotten-it's gotten pretty complicated out on the battlefield, ah, you got the shark tank, ah, behind, in sort of the back of the pack, uh, and then in front of that is, uh, Klarg on his motorcycle, where he has just fetched Taako out of the air and put him into the sidecar; in front of that is Hurley's battle wagon, which has two of the cricket racers with these hand axes that just vaulted over from the crate, which is on the right, uh, which is now no longer a crate. It's sort of a flatbed truck with a driver on it, and uh, uh- the mind control cricket guy on that flatbed truck; in front of everybody is the Raven, who is still leading the pack, uh, you're getting kind of close to the finish line, um, it's almost in sight, and to the left, you got Merle on a fantasy spectral binicorn named Garyl, and then to the left of that is the chariot with uh, Magnus on it, and leading the chariot is an enraged boar- my god. My god-

Travis: What a- what a world in which we live.

Griffin: This is-

Clint: If we have one more episode, you're gonna hemorrhage.

Griffin: I know. This is-this is- this is Noah's Ark of fantasy.

Travis: Now, I feel something very important that I need clarified from Justin. For the good of the internet, how do you spell Garyl?

Justin: [Laugh] G A R [Intense space] Y L

Griffin: Oh man, we were all waiting on pins and needles to see if that double R came into play.

Justin: No, no.

Clint: That would be Garrrrrrrryl [rolls tongue].

Justin: G-A-R-Y-L. Garyl.

Griffin: Um, the last thing that happened in the-

Justin: -and by the way, people who started drawing Garyl-

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: -before he grew his second horn, I'm onto you.

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: I could tell, everybody knew.

Clint: Mmhmm.

Griffin: Uh, last thing that happened was that the mind control cricket racer grasped Taako by the brain, and made him jump off of the back of the, back of Hurley's wagon, you have been grabbed by, uh, the- the bugbear known as Klarg, and put in his side seat, and he said a witty one-liner to you. Uh, Klarg says to you, Taako,



Griffin: Um, Klarg’s eyes look- kind of glossed over? They look uh, a bit like, opaque? Kind of how he looked after you cast that uh, charm spell on him, the very first time that you met him in his secret hideout, um… So he is motoring right along. Um, next in the order is, I believe the boar, who is just, uh, going to- actually he’s gonna make, uh, an attack on you, Merle/Garyl. Um. And we established that you share- he shares stats with you, Taako, right?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: Now, Griffin is this something where I can contest against the boar cause I’m holding the reins?

Griffin: Uh... Yeah make a strength check? And if you- we’ll do a strength contest and if you beat me in a strength contest, then I’ll give him disadvantage on the attack.

Travis: Great. I rolled a 20.

Griffin: Okay, you beat me.

[laughter]

Griffin: Alright, so he’s got disadvantage on this attack. First roll, is a 19, which I believe is a hit on both of you, um, but the second attack that I roll, is a ten, which is not gonna do it on either of you. Okay yeah, this- this boar rears back its head and tries to slam its tusks into Garyl/Merle, but Magnus, you grab the reins and just sorta yank his neck back and uh- keep him from making contact. Next in the order is you, Magnus.

Travis: Um, I wanna steer the- the cart- or the chariot towards the flatbed truck with the crickets.

Griffin: Okay you got uh, Hurley’s battlewagon between the two of you-

Travis: Oh, okay I see.

Griffin: Uh, and that would be- that would be a pretty long trip cause you’re about 30 yards off? To the left? And the crate is about 30 yards off to the right with the- with the wagon in the middle.

Travis: Um, and when last I checked, the boar was pretty well injured, right? Cause Merle like set fire to him.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh yeah! It’s really, really bad off. Taako actually hit him with a fireball, Merle uh, uh cast a spell on the joint between- that sorta connects the boar to the chariot you’re on.

Clint: Wasting a spell.

Griffin: [laughing] Wasting a spell, yeah, a turn, an action, the listener’s time, my time.

Clint: Hey, I [inaudible]

Travis: And the shark tank is right behind us, right?

Griffin: Shark Tank is actually pretty far behind you still. It’s gaining some speed, it’s closing in. It’s got uh this big, pronged spear in its- in its open mouth, starting to sort of rotate and look like it’s about to...get busy.

Travis: Great! I wanna get over closer to the Ram, then, and- and jump onto it.

Griffin: Okay. uh-

Travis: So I can stop the crickets that are on there.

Griffin: Okay, yeah. You- you pull up to the, uh, the Ram battle wagon. Uh, yeah. You see these two cricket riders and they are taking these handaxes and they are just going to town on the hood of the car. And Hurley’s like sorta drifting left and right to try and get rid of them but not too much cause she doesn’t wanna - wanna lose too much speed, uh, and- and fall behind the Raven. So you’re- you’re pulling over to the right? To get close to-

Travis: Right yeah. I want to- I will tell you what I want to do and you tell me how I do it.

Griffin, amused: Okay, yeah, uh-

Travis: I want to get over close enough to- to jump on and fight the cricket dudes.

Griffin: Okay, I’m gonna need you to make another Strength contest against this boar, uh, if you wanna like control him and tell him where to go. Uh, I rolled a 21.

Travis: Aw man, you did really good. Um, I rolled a 17 so not good enough- I rolled a 10 plus 7.

Clint: Don’t forget your Red Bull.

Travis: Oh yeah! [Rerolls the dice] Oh that’s way better, that’s a 20-

Griffin: That still didn’t beat him.

Travis: -plus 7. 20 plus 7, 27.

Griffin: Oh, that will do it. Okay. Yeah, you uh- you- the boar is like trying to do its own thing but you very, um, uh, dramatically yank on it and again, and start to pull it off over to the right. I guess I could have given you an animal handling check on that too but this thing is like super fucking angry and probably would not--

Travis: Well I’m proficient in that too.

Griffin: Yeah, okay. God, you’re so great.

Travis: It’s important to know the character you want to play and build that character around--”Hi, I’m Travis McElroy--”

Griffin: “Hi, I’m Travis McElroy. I’m like, uh, Cesar Millan, only unkillable.”

[laughter]

Justin: Did you know he did a follow-up series called, “The Unkillable Cesar Millan?”

Griffin: I didn’t actually--

Travis: It was good.

Griffin: Okay, you just whispered- you just whispered this boar and led it over to the right. Go ahead and make an athletics check if you want to jump up onto the uh, onto the wagon. Merle, I’m guessing you and Garyl just sort of slow down a little bit to let him pass?

Clint: Oh yeah!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I got 18.

Griffin: Okay, yeah,

Clint: Whew!

Griffin: You leap up, uh, on top of the hood, and the two cricket riders look up at you with disdain, [makes a sound of disgust]

Travis: And the leaping is my action, right? I can’t also attack?

Griffin: Right.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Next in the order is actually Hurley, and what Hurley’s gonna do is ghost ride the whip. She uh -- you see her put two hands on the top of the window of the battlewagon and do a skillful flip onto the roof, right next to you Magnus. And she looks at you and says,



Griffin: And then--



Griffin: She runs up to one of the cricket riders and uses his knee as like, a platform to jump up to the other one. And she plants, uh, her knee into the face of the other cricket rider, and the two of them start to go sailing off the side of the car, uh, but Hurley plants her feet into his chest mid-air and does like, an Ong-bak spring leap off his chest and--

Travis: [crosstalk] I had no idea we could just describe the stuff we wanted to do --

Griffin: [crosstalk] and brings her--

Travis: [crosstalk] I thought we had to like, roll.

Griffin: Brings her -- okay here, [sound of dice rolling] Oh yeah, she did great. [Clint, Travis, and Justin guffaw]

Griffin: And she brings her uh, her ram skull, uh, she brings her ram skull into the face of the other one, who goes sailing off, and she lands on the hood on one knee.



Griffin: She says. [Clint snorts] Um,



Griffin: She says, and she flips back down into the driver’s seat of the car, and begins to- to speed up again. Um. She says,



Griffin: Next in the order is the tank. The spear that has been spinning up in this- in the shark tank’s mouth, you hear a loud, loud boom come from this hole in the shark. And this gigantic spear, almost the size of - of the battlewagon you guys started out in, before you got scattered to the winds, uh, just comes firing out of its mouth. And Taako, it very narrowly actually misses yours and Klarg’s bike.



Griffin: And it gets stuck in the back of Hurley’s battle wagon, with a loud chunk, and it goes deep into the wagon. It’s secured with this thick metal cable, that is pulled a little bit taut. And Magnus, you feel the battlewagon underneath you sort of get yanked back a little bit, and the tires underneath the car are sort of squealing as they’re trying to go just a little bit faster than this cable is going to allow it to. And in fact, either the shark tank behind you is picking up speed or you’re losing speed, because the gap between Hurley’s wagon and the shark tank has begun to close a little bit.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: Next in the order is Taako, you are in uh, the uh, the sidecar of Klarg’s motorcycle. Before you start your turn, Klarg passes by one of those black pylons that the spectators have been watching this race from, and you hear a horn come from that pylon, but it’s not like the ones you’ve heard every time that one of the contestants in this race has gotten beaten out. It actually sounds like kind of an alarm, almost?

Justin: [crosstalk] Ssshit okay.

Griffin: And the top of this pylon glows bright red, and a fiery beam shoots out at the motorcycle that you and Klarg are in. Um. And Klarg very, very narrowly avoids this beam, it cuts off the radio antenna - no, it cuts off the flag that is sort of --

Justin: [crosstalk] It cuts off his- his Garfield that he had stuck to the windshield.

Griffin: Of his motorcycle, yes. [laughter] No one - it was just sort of floating in front of the car.

Justin: It cuts off his Taako On Board sign. [laughter]

Griffin: Yeah. The Taako On Board sign goes- goes flying behind, and he goes,



Justin: Can I take a free action to talk to Klarg right quick?

Griffin: Please.



Clint: [crosstalk] Klarg’s an anarchist!



Justin: Can I do uh, I guess arcane check?

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: To see if I can figure out what’s going on with Klarg.

Griffin: Yeah, sure! [sound of dice rolling]

Justin: That’s a 17.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, it-it’s, it would actually be Detect Magic? The spell Detect Magic? Well that was good enough, whatever--

Justin: [crosstalk] Well I don’t wanna burn a spell on it--

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, sure.

Justin: [crosstalk] So I’m just using my knowledge of the arcane arts. That’s--

Griffin: [crosstalk] He’s- He--

Justin: [crosstalk] That’s actually a 20, ‘cuz I gotta add 3.

Griffin: Sure, um. He’s absolutely under some sort of spell, um, and- and it’s definitely-- it is definitely a, um, it’s definitely like a mind control charm spell, and- and based on, sort of, your studies of that type of magic, you know that the- the caster of the spell is the one who sort of receives the affection of a charm spell. So you deduce that, is in fact a charm spell that you cast on him.

Justin: But - but how is that--

Clint: [crosstalk] Still lasting?

Justin: -- possible?

Griffin: I dunno, dude.

Travis: You’re very charming.

Justin: I guess it’s like, good at magic, I guess.

Travis: Is it just, um, is it Justin’s - or I should say Taako’s, just, natural people fall in love with him?

Griffin: [crosstalk] No, it’s definitely not that. Um, yeah it’s - with that same arcana check, you know that, like, that spell lasts an hour. There’s no reason why it should still be working on him.

Justin: Okay, alright. Um.

Clint: Uh, love, maybe?



[laughter]

Griffin: What is your cha-risma modifier?

Clint: A little thing called chorizo? [laughter]

Griffin: What’s your chorizo modifier?

Justin: [crosstalk] Maybe he loves my chorizo!

[laughter]

Justin impersonating Klarg: The spices! The zest! I don’t know how you do it!

Justin: Uh, yeah, I- I uh--

Travis: There are people listening right now going ‘Chorizo! Come on Taako!’

Justin: Nah, I said it - um, the- I just checked my cha-risma, and it is not that. [laughter] I can guarantee you, it is not my cha-risma.

Griffin: What are you gonna do with your turn, you got uh, a very weak angry boar, sort of right up against Hurley’s battlewagon, uh, you got the crate to your right, with the mind control guy that just tried to make you, uh seppuku yourself off the back of a car,

Clint: [crosstalk, throatily] Revenge…

Justin: Mhmm…

Griffin: You got the shark tank behind you with its open gnarly mouth, and a, uh, a cable connecting that to--

Justin: [crosstalk] How far is the cycle from Hurley’s car?

Griffin: Um, you’re about, pfffffmm, twenty feet? Behind?



Justin: I’m gonna, uh, uh, blast the boar with Magic Missile!

Griffin: Okay! Yeah, you pull up uh, behind the car, sort of getting off to the left a little bit, so you’re behind the boar and not directly underneath this cable, um and you fire a volley of Magic Miss-aisles at him.

Justin: Mhm.

Griffin: Go ahead and roll damage on that.

Justin: They use um, Magic Missile as like, the example a lot in the player's handbook, so it makes it hard to find if you’re looking at the index - okay, here we go! Magic Missile! [silence] I’m gonna fire three darts--

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yep, we’re all - we all love Magic Missile and know it and love it.

Justin: [sound of dice rolling] 5 [sound of dice rolling], 2 [sound of dice rolling], and 3.

Griffin: Okay yeah, this- this boar finally gives up the ghost--

Travis: [crosstalk] Aww….

Griffin: Uh, and you see him, uh, your- you- your shots sort of give a wide arc out to the left, and then just sort of blast it on its left side, and it almost like, uh, collides with Hurley’s battlewagon one last time and then sort of slumps off. Um, and Klarg actually has to do a pretty deft maneuver to get out of the way of the- the boar and the chariot, as they both sort of, uh, fall backwards. And the shark tank behind you runs over the chariot and just absolutely demolishes it, but the boar avoids that same fate. Uh, and then you hear another horn--

Travis: [crosstalk] I-I just wanna say, I’m really sad about the boar.

Griffin: Yeah. Why, do you wanna-



Griffin: -- did you wanna adopt it or, whats up? You got a foster program?

Travis: Well, no, it’s dead now! I can’t do shit now, except luau.

Griffin: Yeah it’s -- what? You hear a-- [laughter]



Clint: Make an apple in the mouth check!

Griffin: You hear a horn come from [horn sound] the pylon that took a blast at you earlier, uh, Taako. And, yeah! We are down to the tank, the crate truck, Hurley, and the Raven. Four combatants remaining. Ne-

Justin: The crate truck was what Klarg was in, I thought.

Griffin: Nonono. The crate tru-

Travis: [crosstalk] The crate truck is the crickets.

Griffin: The crickets. That took control of your brain. Next in the order is Merle. You are on Garyl, you’re to the left of the action, um, you’re pretty close to Hurley’s battlewagon now, there’s nothing really in between you guys anymore now that the boar’s down. And it is your turn!

Clint: Gosh, I don’t wanna leave Garyl!

Griffin: Don’t!

Travis: Stay with him, through the night. [laughter]



Clint: [singing] Hold me closer, tiny Garrrryll.



Clint: Alright! Let’s… I’m gonna attack the shark--

Justin: [crosstalk] You gotta - you gotta bring down…

Clint: [crosstalk] The tank shark! The shark tank! The shank tark!

Griffin: Okay!

Clint: With Garyl’s horn.

Griffin: I will say if you’re trying to attack the shark tank with Garyl’s horn, I’m pretty sure he is semi-physical? Right, Justin?

Justin: He has no damage. Like, he can’t like - it-- it-- it would be like attacking with a horse. It would not be very--

Griffin: [crosstalk] Which, I, that’s very on-brand, but um, yeah.

Clint: I mean, I have a battle - I have a hammer. I have the - but I don’t have a battle axe. Or--

Travis: [crosstalk] Do you still have the--

Clint: [crosstalk] Wait, wait! I have choppy! Don’t I still have choppy?

Griffin: Choppy is nothing, what are you saying?

Clint: Choppy that’s - Yeah, I do, I have an axe!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Is that like, an axe that tells you if you’re making grammatical errors on a piece of parchment? [laughter]

Travis: Oh, I see you’re trying to chop something!

Clint: Alright, I’ll tell ya what. I will attack the cable!

Griffin: Mmkay.

Clint: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that’s not going to make any sense. That will give--

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay, what if--

Clint: [crosstalk] Is there a crew on the shark tank?

Griffin: Uh, so you - looking at the shark tank, there doesn’t appear to be any sort of visible point of entry, there doesn’t to appear to be any kind of weak point, you can’t see the drivers of this tank, um, you can’t see inside of it, it is heavily armored to the - it’s literally a tank. It is, it is- imagine like a, what, a howitzer, is that a type of tank? It is a tank.

Travis: [crosstalk] No, that’s a gun.

Griffin: Well. It’s a tank ass tank.

Travis: And how many people are still in the cricket truck?

Griffin: Uh, you got one driver, in a- a sort of, uh, pilot’s compartment on the front of it, and then you got the cricket holding his scrying orb, that he used to dominate Taako.

Clint: Alright, and I’m off to the left, right?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. You, I mean - you’re pretty much flush with Hurley’s battlewagon now.

Clint: Could Garyl reach the cricket--

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, sure!

Clint: -- crate.

Travis: Garyl can do anything!



Clint: I believe in Garyl, I believe in Garyl, come on kids, clap your hands if you believe in Garyl!

Griffin: Garyl sprouts wings - no, fuck that, um-

Clint: [crosstalk] Awww!

Justin: [crosstalk] That would be sweet.

Griffin: He does - he does do a uh, a dexterous leap over Hurley’s battlewagon to get you over, uh, right next to the flatbed truck, with the cricket, um, mind guy, mind control guy, and the cricket driver, um, in his little compartment.

Clint: Okay. So I’m close enough to the mind guy, I could attack?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. He was sort of right on the edge of this truck, um, so you could--



Clint: I’m gonna hit him with a big ass awesome wrench!

Justin: [crosstalk] That sounds good.

Clint: The B-A-A-W.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: That sounds good.

Clint: Okay! First I roll this - Right? Wait a minute.

Griffin: The one with 20 - if it has a 20 on it, you know that the dice goes to 20. It has a maximum number of 20. [Sound of Justin and Clint searching through dice.]

Justin: [crosstalk] No, not that one.

Clint: [crosstalk] That doesn’t, that doesn’t have a 20--

Justin: [crosstalk] That one.

Clint: [crosstalk] That has a 20 on it!

Justin: There we go.

Clint: Alright! [sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: I feel like--

Travis: [crosstalk] It’s exciting - it’s exciting to be a part of dad’s first roll on the show. [laughter]

Clint: Seven - it’s a seventeen!

Griffin: Alright, yeah, that’s uh, that’s gonna be a hit on this - you’re attacking the- the mind control guy?

Clint: How about if I specifically hit the orb?

Griffin: Yeah, you could do that.

Justin: Sweet!

Clint: I think I will, I think I’ll hit the orb.

Griffin: Okay. Uh--

Clint: [crosstalk] With the wrench.

Griffin: Okay, there’s no need--

Clint: [crosstalk] In the conservatory! [laughter] With Professor Plum!

Griffin: There is uh-- there is no need to roll damage then. You sort of, like a t-ball approach, just wail on this, uh, scrying orb--

Clint: [crosstalk] Hey batter batter! Hey, batter batter!

Griffin: Which, which direction are you aiming this orb?

Clint: Uh… you mean the- the wrench?

Griffin: Yeah yeah, like, which direction are you hitting it?



Clint: I think I would hit it up in the air, so it heads towards Taako--



Griffin: [crosstalk] Well no, that - that’s preposterous. [laughter] I’m willing to allow for a lot things but that, that’s insanity.

Clint: I’m just gonna knock it up in the air so it flies away!

Griffin: Okay. You uh, you sort of do an upward upper-cut, uh--

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh yeah.

Griffin: -- and you knock the scrying orb, uh, high high into the air, with a --

Clint: [crosstalk] And I call out,



Griffin: -- a satisfying clunk, kind of mixing our sports metaphors a little bit, and uh, it goes flying up into the air, uh, and. You don’t see it again after that. And you hear the cricket guy go,



Travis: That was my grandmother’s orb!

Griffin: So the orb is now gone. Next in the order is the cricket, um, who--

Travis: [crosstalk] Who spends his turn crying!

Clint: And rubbing his legs together, which is the same thing.

Griffin: It’s actually both crickets’ turns; the- the driver, uh, is actually going to try and side swipe Garyl.

Clint: [gasps]

Griffin: And he --

Clint: [crosstalk] You bastard!

Griffin: And he - god, I don’t even know how I would do that. Uh, Garyl, Taako? Since you are- you are sort of controlling Garyl,

Justin: [crosstalk] Yea.

Griffin: -- why don’t you make a dexterity saving throw.

Justin: Okay. [sound of dice rolling] Uhhhh… that’s a 1.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ohhh shit.

Justin: You see Garyl- Garyl talks a big game, but, [laughter]

Travis: [loud laughter]

Clint: [crosstalk] He is not dexterous.

Justin: He is not dexterous.

Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah.

Travis: He has never seen Dexter.

Justin: Now, I would, I- I guess I would modify that, right? So I’d, I would-

Griffin: Yeah, I mean, you rolled a critical miss, right?

Justin: It would be a four-

Griffin: Well, there’s no - there’s no-- uh, a one is always a failure. You can’t-

Justin: Okay, yeah.

Griffin: You can never salvage a one.

Justin: A critical miss.

Griffin: I gotta - man, critical miss, I gotta… [pause] I got...Garyl’s-

Clint: Griffin, do what you have to do.

Griffin: I have to, it’s a critical miss, people get on me for being too easy. [softly, sad] Garyl’s pulled under the tires of the car.

Travis: Well, hold on-

Clint: [laughter]

Justin: Hold on, hold on, hold on- [crosstalk]

Clint: That’s really critical!

Travis: He gets sideswiped and it just kills him in one?

Griffin: ...he rolled a critical miss. Uh, Merle, as you, uh, the flatbed truck was sort of at your height, the bed of it, so as- as Garyl vanishes underneath the wheels of this uh,

Clint: [softly] Oh.

Griffin: ...truck, you land on the bed, uh, on your back, right underneath the, uh, cricket who did the mind-control stuff, who pulls out a dagger. And is gonna try and bury it in your tummy.

Justin: As he- as he goes under, you hear him say,



Clint: [crosstalk] Can we take just a moment-



Travis: (imitating Garyl) I’m a spectral horse, it’s not like-



Griffin: 22, I think is gonna hit your AC.



Travis: [laughter]

Clint: Ow!

Griffin: He hits you for twelve points of damage, Merle.

Clint: Yikes. [pause] Alright.

Griffin: Uhhhhhh. Alright. Next in the order. Crate went, the boar’s dead, Magnus.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Uhh. You’re standing on the car, uh, you got the whole crate situation happening to your right, about 20 feet to your right, and you got the shark tank behind you, uh, you got-

Travis: I feel like I need to focus on that spear.

Griffin: You got Klarg, on the motorcycle right next to you. ‘Kay.

Travis: Okay. Uh, I’m- I’m gonna make my way back to where the spear is in the back of the car.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Is that something I can just do?

Griffin: Yeah, that’s your move.

Travis: Okay. Um, and then, uhhhh….. Okay. How- how thick is the spear?

Griffin: It’s fuckin’ huge, man. It’s like, um, it’s like a foot thick, like it is a solid iron spear covered in these gnarly barbs that sort of have um, uh, hooked its way into the battlewagon.

Travis: Cool. And how deep into the car is it?

Griffin: It’s real deep. It’s actually, you can see it poking into, uh, Taako’s gunner compartment, where he was spending most of his race, in fact you think if Taako had been in there, he would have, um, gotten, um, Washed. Which is um, a- a- a- verb I came up with based on what happens to Alan Tudyk’s character in the Firefly movie.

Travis: Spoilers.

Clint: (groans)

Travis: Um, so-

Griffin: Every- I fuckin’ guarant- this is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast, everybody who’s listening has seen that movie.

Travis: Um, do-- am I more likely to cut through the cable or through the spear?

Griffin: I mean, the- the cable is thinner than the spear, but it’s also a-

Travis: Metal.

Griffin: A really solid cable, yeah.

Travis: Uhhhhhhhhhhh. (sighs) I guess I’ll attack the spear, then.

Griffin: Mmkay. You’re- you’re gonna have to make an attack roll on it, it’s got a pretty- pretty dope AC.

Travis: Well yeah. [sound of dice rolling] A 13 plus 7, so 20?

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And then a d10… [singsong, mumbling] d10 plus...what. Okay. D10, that’s a 5, plus 6, so 11?

Griffin: Okay. Yeah. You don’t appear to have done any, like, noticeable physical damage to it. You didn’t, like, take a chip out of it or anything like that. Um, it is--

Travis: What?

Griffin: It is, I guess a little bit looser. But, um.

Travis: I hit it for 11 damage and did nothing?!

Griffin: It’s- it is a CAR-SIZED SOLID IRON SPEAR. Um.

Travis: I thought it was wood!

Griffin: Nah, I said it was iron, my dude.

Travis: Oh, well, you know who that’s on? [laughs] That’s on me.

Griffin: Yeah, uh.

Clint and Justin: [laughter]

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is the tank, which is going to-

Travis: Uh, wait, I get two attacks, broseph!

Griffin: Alright, broseph, go for it.

Travis: Um, how far away is the tank?

Griffin: Uhh, it’s about 25 feet, um, behind Hurley’s wagon.

Travis: Okay. Um. I’m-I-can I do, like, a strength attack and try to pull the spear out?

Griffin: It has these - uh, I don’t know if I’m describing it well enough. It has these, like, barbs on it? That, like, are hooked backwards? So that when they went in, it’s almost like it’s locked itself into - you know-

Travis: I mean, I feel ya. Uh, okay. Then my second attack, I’m gonna aim my bow at the cricket that’s stabbing at Merle.

Griffin: Mmkay.

[sound of dice rolling]

Travis: 12 pluuuuus 7, 19?

Griffin: That’s a hit.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] For 5 damage.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you see him, like, lifted both of his hands in the air with a knife in there maybe about to get another stab off on your buddy, but you hit him in the tummy and he takes, he takes a step back. He looks miffed.

Next in the order is the tank, who is going to retract the cable even further. You feel another sort of shudder from the car, another sort of squeal of protest from the tires underneath you, and you’re now about 15 feet away from this tank. And the mouth of this tank, you start to hear like a whine from it as its servos and motors sort of begin to hungrily activate.

Next in the order is Taako. Taako, you are still sort of with the battlewagon. Another pylon in front of you, you hear it heat up and another laser blast comes out of it. This time, the sort of warning alarm gave Klarg all the info he needed to get out of the way of it pretty easily, and it leaves a black singe mark in the dust underneath you as you steer out of the way.

Justin: I’m gonna do a Perception check on the tank to see if I can spy any points of vulnerability.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Justin: [sound of dice rolling] Got a 17.

Griffin: It looks absolutely invulnerable. You don’t even know how these guys got into this thing. You can’t find, like, a door. Or an entry hatch. It looks like just a giant, big ol’ chunk of metal.

Justin: [exaggerated gasp]

Travis: How do we solve his tank puzzle?

[laughter]

Justin: Wait a minute. [claps a rhythm]

Clint: [in time with rhythm] Go!



Griffin: Yeah? Sorry, sorry, I mean-



Justin: How far are we from the tank, Griffin?

Griffin: You’re- you’re next to the wagon, so you’re like 15 feet away from it.

Justin: Perfect.



Clint: [laughter]

Griffin: He slows the- the motorcycle down and pulls up next to the tank and Klarg says:



[laughter]

Travis: What does this tattoo say?



Clint: [laughter]



Clint: [wheezing laughter]



Griffin: ...he says.



Griffin: Alright, you clumsily switch positions with him. How’s your vehicle proficiency, by the way? I bet Travis is losing his mind.

Justin: Like, thirty.

Griffin: Okay. Great.

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: You- you sort of-

Clint: It’s higher than Travis’s.

Justin: Erase. That’s what it just says on the sheet, it’s higher than Travis’s.

Griffin: Uh, not possible.

Travis: [shouting] I doubt iiiiit!

Griffin: [laughing] Travis - Magnus jumps from the battlewagon into the driver’s seat of the motorcycle. No. Uh. Okay. He uh, yeah, he jumps onto the the side of the tank, and he is now holding onto the side of it. [energetic background music begins] And he says,



[energetic background music continues]

{35:17-41:00}

[same energetic music plays]

Griffin: He, uh, you have convinced him to do this - technically, that was all talking, so it was a free action. Do you want to do something with your turn?

Justin: I guess I’m not really close enough. It would take an action to get close enough to one of the other vehicles, right?

Griffin: No, you haven’t moved, you haven’t done anything, you’re in charge of this vehicle, which we’ll say has Garyl distance, so you can - you can go wherever you want.

Travis: And there’s still a cable. I was not able to dislodge that.

Justin: Yeah, I’m gonna get it. [babbles] Is the mind control cricket within range?

Griffin: You can get within - you can definitely get within range.

Justin: Yeah, I wanna scoot up there and give him a quick- uh, quick dollop.

Griffin: Alright, fuck yeah. With a twist of the throttle, you uh, you jet up. This thing has a lot more, sort of, power than you maybe assumed? ‘Cause it sort of almost rips out from underneath you, and you pull up, sort of duck your way under the cable, and go within range of the flatbed truck, with Merle and the other cricket on it.

Justin: Alright, mind control cricket is gonna get a big heapin’ spoonful of Scorching Ray.

Griffin: [amused] Okay!

Clint: [singing] Are you Scorchin’ Raaaay?

Griffin and Justin: [loud laughter]

Clint: Sorry. That was Trav.

Travis: Don’t you ever apologize.

Griffin: Uh, what does that mean? You just makin’ a ranged attack roll?

Justin: Yup! [pops the ‘p’]

Travis: ...How’d it go?

Justin: Uh, pretty good. I’m gonna make, actually-

Griffin: Are you at- are you attacking the driver, or the-

Justin: I’m attacking the mind control guy.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, that makes sense.

Justin: With, uh, two of them.

Griffin: Fuck.

Justin: And then uh, the third will go at the driver.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: It’s a ranged spell attack for each ray. What do I add to that?

Griffin: Your spellcasting modifier.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Which is...sssssix.

Justin: [crosstalk] Which is five. Six.

Griffin: [crosstalk] ‘Cause of the umbrella.

Justin: Six, yeah. [sound of dice rolling] 21.

Griffin: That’s the first one on the mind control?

Justin: First one on mind control.

Griffin: ‘Kay, that’s a hit.

Justin: Next one is 24?

Griffin: That’s a hit.

Justin: [sound of dice rolling] On the driver, we’ve got a...18.

Griffin: Damn, son! Three hits.

Justin: Mmkay. So I’m gonna roll two d6...uh, 2d6 fire damage for each bolt. First bolt against mind control-

Travis: [crosstalk] Whoa!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Well, the damage is the same for all three. I think?

Justin: No, I had to make three ranged spell attacks, so it’s three different damage.

Griffin: Okay, whatever.

Justin: Because it’s different targets.

Griffin: Yeah, we’re just making shit up.

Travis: [laughs] It’s all fantasy.

Justin: [sound of dice rolling] First bolt does 11 against mind control.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Justin: Next bolt does 10 against mind control.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Third bolt does - against the driver - does 8.

Griffin: Mmkay. The mind control one - you lift him up out of the car and see him go a good distance. Also on fire, so, like, double bad. And his-

Justin: And then I yell after him,



Griffin: Ah, pretty good? And he, he-

Justin: [crosstalk] Thank you.

Griffin: You see his- his protection bubble from his safety harness deploy, but he’s very on fire? So, like.

Clint: Yeah! [crosstalk] That can’t help.

Justin: Ooh, yeah, it’s just like a li’l rotisserie.

Griffin: [laughter] Heha HA, you basically just hotboxed psycho mantis.

Clint: [crosstalk] That was for GARYL.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Shit, that is what that was, wasn’t it. And then the driver of the car - you blast through the back windshield of the pilot’s compartment and the blast continues out the front windshield, and then you hear just sort of a car horn coming from the flatbed truck, just like a solid sort of car horn coming from the flatbed truck.

Justin: [unrepentant] Oh, no.

Travis: No, like he fell forward? Like he’s asleep on the wheel?

Griffin: And uh, the-the-the flatbed truck begins to lose speed and sort of wobble, with Merle lying down in the bed of it. Merle, it is now your turn, if you, uh, wanna find a way out of this here pickle.

Clint: Alright. The windshield’s been busted out, right? The back windshield? The glass separating us?

Griffin: The glass separating you from - yes.

Clint: Okay. I am going to use my stubby little legs-

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: And vault through that open back windshield.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay.

Clint: I’m gonna- I’m gon- Feet first!

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Kick that cricket, I mean…

Griffin: Yeah, he’s-

Clint: Kick the cricket-

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Away from the steering wheel and out the door.

Griffin: Okay, uh, maybe an Acrobatics check if you’re trying to, like, do a leap through a small window?

Clint: ...okay? I’m very acrobatic.

Griffin: I believe it.

Justin: Is that, what- 11 plus, what’s your, uh, let’s say-

Clint: Three?

Justin: Three, yeah. Fourteen.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, okay. You- you leap through the back window, you see the driver, he does have a hole in him, and is not especially moving? And he’s leaning forward on the horn, but you give him an Indiana Jones-style kick outta the compartment uh, and out of the wagon. His bubble also deploys - in vain-

Travis: Oh, goodness. Thank goodness.

Griffin: Uh, and uh, he goes bouncing back into the distance.

Clint: Was he a Nazi cricket? Do we know that?

Griffin: He- Absolutely he was.

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: Just go ahead and assume if you killed somebody in this game, they were a Nazi and had it comin’.

Clint: Alright. Good.

Travis: [cackling]

Clint: And that was just my move, right?

Griffin: Yes?

Clint: That was not my action-

Griffin: Well, no, you did kick a guy. I think that’s not technically - I mean, your foot was involved, but we can’t just say if your foot’s involved it’s movement. “I moved my foot into him.”

Clint: Okay, but can I grab the steering wheel?

Griffin: Oh, yeah, sure! Okay yeah, you have taken control of the flatbed truck. And another fucking vehicle enters the game. You hear a horn also, as he goes flying out.

Clint: [horn noise]

Griffin: Well, I edit those into the show, I don’t know if you’ve listened? So you don’t need to, like, do ‘em.

Clint: [disappointed] Oh.

Griffin: That was just very confusing for our listeners.

Justin: Yeah, two, they got two horns.

Clint: Again, listeners, I apologize.

Justin: That was not a canonical horn.

[laughter]

Griffin: Next in the order is Magnus! So it’s just - you’ve got Hurley’s battlewagon, with the spear coming out, cable connected to the tank. You got Taako driving this motorcycle. Taako, remember, you don’t have a safety harness anymore, ‘cause you threw it off the back of the car when you were mind controlled, so.

{47:40}

Justin: Yeah, I’m rad.

Griffin: Be careful about that. And you’ve got Merle, who is now driving a truck.

Clint: [dramatic voice] We got ourselves a convoy!

[laughter]

Clint: Ten-four, back door!

Travis: Okay. I delay. But I’m in the gunner compartment.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, next in the order is the tank, but before the tank can do anything-

[horn noise]

Griffin: You pass by another pylon, and you hear another alarm horn come out of it. And you see Klarg sort of ready himself for- for what’s about to happen next. Because what happens next is, uh, a bright red beam comes firing out of the top of it and cuts a path through the top of the shark tank.

Clint: [chuckling]

Griffin: And it basically decapitates the top of it. You see it - the top of the shark tank - just sort of start to slide backwards off of the back of the tank. It cuts the sort of top of the mouth off of the tank. The cable is still attached, but now you can see the harpoon gun that fired on you guys. You see a pair of legs just fall over-

[muffled laughter]

Griffin: And you can see, sitting in the captain’s chair of this, wearing a Hammerhead jacket, you see somebody sit up, who avoided the death beam, and it is Maarvey. The only surviving member of the Hammerhead Gang sits up. You also see the top of the car that’s- the- the top of the tank that slid off as you cut a hole clean through it - you see Klarg almost kinda like surfing off of the back of it, and as it hits the ground you actually see him sort of ping-pong off and go rolling backwards, um, hitting- hitting the ground.

Clint: No safety harness for him, huh?

Griffin: Nnnno.



Clint: Love ya!



Griffin: You hear Maarvey yell,



Griffin: -and pull back on a lever, and the uh, the cable pulls back even further, and the uh, the teeth are now in biting range of the car. And basically just buries all of its teeth into the trunk of the car, very narrowly missing Magnus, and it’s now sort of lifting the back tires up. Raven, in the distance far off in front of you, is starting to blow your guys’ doors. Unbothered by all these other racers, she is- uh, she looks like she is about to handily win this thing. [pause. Someone sighs.] Next in the order is Taako! Oh, no-

Travis: Wait, I didn’t-

Griffin: Well, I’m assuming you’re-

Travis: I would like to-

Griffin: Yes.

Travis: Yes. So can I jump into the car now?

Griffin: Uh, yeah! Well, you, it would be more of a- it would be more of a climb, but, yes..

Travis: I would like to get into the shark now.

Griffin: Okay. Make a- make an Athletics check and you can get up into this- this compartment.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] Mmkay, that’s a 13 plus 7, 20.

Griffin: M’kay. Yeah, you- you leap up, take a running leap and- and sort of mantle over the uh, the uh, front of this shark tank. You see a pretty grisly scene inside. That beam got actually a couple guys-

Clint: [laughter]

Griffin: And you are standing, sort of dominant, over Maarvey.

Travis: Alright, I wanna two-handed attack. [sound of dice rolling] That’s a 15 plus uhhh… 22.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a hit.

Travis: Um, and that does 10 points of damage...that’s a 7...plus 6, 13 points of damage?

Griffin: Okay, yeah. He takes all that, he, uh, you catch him square in the left arm and leave a big ol’ gash in there. Um, and uh, you hear a snap, you’re not sure where it came from, but that’s not good.

Travis: Is there some kind of, like, release or something I can hit?

Griffin: Like an ejector button? It’s not James Bond-ass--

Travis: No, no, no, for the- for the- for the spear.

Clint: [crosstalk] For the spear.

Griffin: There’s actually a lot of buttons on the dashboard? There’s not one that says, like, “Press here to Deus Ex Machina.”

Travis: I wanna attack- I wanna attack the dashboard.

[laughter]

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] That is 16 plus 7...23.

Griffin: Okay, uh, yeah. With a 23, uh, the, uh? Go ahead and deal damage.

Travis: 8 plus 6, 14.

Griffin: Mmkay. Uh, yeah. You bring your axe down on the dashboard of the shark tank, and an explosion of sparks actually shoots up at you and deals 7 lightning damage to you. But the bottom jaw sort of unhooks itself from the car and the cable comes free from the gun. You still have the spear in the back of the car and the cable loose from it, but you are now completely disconnected from the shark tank! And the car plops back down, the back tires of Hurley’s battlewagon plop back down on the ground with a ka-chunk.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Next in the order is Taako.

Justin: Taako grabs the handlebars and fucking guns it.

Griffin: ...for what?

Justin: Towards the Raven.

Griffin: [amused] Okay!

Justin: Top. Possible. Speed.

Griffin: Top possible speed. Okay, um-

Travis: Ludicrous speed?

Justin: Ludicrous speed.

Griffin: She’s about like a hundred feet in front of you?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: [sudden, loud laughter] ...Uh-huh.

Justin: Uh-huh, go on.

Griffin: You, uh-

Justin: But did you hear when I said I gunned it?

Griffin: Can you think of a - yes, you are gunning it. Can you think of any way to make this thing go any faster?

Clint: I can.

Justin: What d’you got, Dad?

Clint: What about the secret red button? On Hurley’s truck.

Griffin: Well, he’s not in Hurley’s car.

Justin: I’m not in Hurley’s truck, I’m on a motorcycle.

Travis: What about Blink?

Justin: Eh, no, Blink’d get me like thirty feet. Yeah, I guess I could - okay. [laughs] Okay. I’m gonna try this and see how this goes. I’m gonna cast Enlarge on the motorcycle.

Griffin: O-kaaay?

Travis: Oooooh!

Justin: If I double the speed - if I double the size, then I would by extension double its speed. ‘Cause it’s covering more terrain in half the time.

Griffin: Is that what Enlarge does? It doubles the size of a thing?

Justin: It raises the size one category. So I don’t know what that…oh, it doubles! Yeah, it doubles. It doubles in all dimensions.

Griffin: ...Okay?

Justin: So yeah. It’s gonna be a GIANT motorcycle!

[muffled laughter]

Griffin: ...okay. Yeah. You, you, okay.

Justin: That’s all I can come up with. I th- I think it will work.

Griffin: Okay, I’m into it. Uh. Okay, yeah, you double the size of this motorcycle. And it is in fact going faster now, I think. Scientists, if you’re a science-minded person, I’m not interested in it.

Clint: [laughter]

Travis: He just cast a spell on the thing, don’t tell me about physics!

Justin: Yeah!

Griffin: You channel this spell as you’re totally rippin’ that motor, and as the motorcycle enlarges, you’re actually kind of hanging off of the handlebars a little bit, like it’s not really Taako-sized anymore?

Justin: Yeah. I don’t need the whole handlebar, I just need the gas.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, but I’m saying you’re almost literally - you got a little bit of your butt still on the seat, but it’s almost like you’re hanging off of these handlebars.

Justin: Perfect. Excellent.

Griffin: Because you just made it very, very big.

Justin: This is thrilling.

Griffin: But it is going very fast now, and you get up behind Sloane about thirty feet or so.

Justin: Perfect.

Griffin: Alright! Next in the order is Merle.

Clint: … Oh, Lord. Okay! [pause] I just- I just have this feeling that red button is important. Uh, I’m gonna steer the truck as close as I can to Hurley’s vehicle. And even though I’m a stumpy li’l dude I’m gonna try to leap back onto Hurley’s vehicle.

Griffin: Okay!

Clint: Alright.

Griffin: You kick open the driver’s side door of the flatbed truck as you pull alongside, and it’s your turn! What are you doin’, rolling a...I guess you could make a - this isn’t necessarily acrobatic, you could do Athletics if you’re better at that. And - you are.

Clint: [sound of dice rolling] 19?

Griffin: Yep! You leap over and land on top of the car. Actually, do you wanna, a 19’s good enough to get you actually in the shotgun.

Clint: So I could hit the big red button now?

Griffin: Uh, yes. It’s got one of those hatches over it, like that you have to use to-

Clint: Like the NORAD guys?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: So that’s two actions, he’s gotta lift the hatch and then [laughs] press the button.

Travis: It’s a really- It’s a really heavy hatch.

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, it’s a really heavy hatch.

Clint: Is that true?

Griffin: No, actually, as you lift up that hatch, Hurley looks over at you and goes,



Justin: [laughter]

Clint: Buckaroo? Okay, yeah, ‘cause I wanna wait ‘til Magnus gets back on board. ‘Cause Merle’s gone. [crosstalk] He’s up there-

Griffin: Taako’s gone. You’re Merle.

Clint: Taako, yeah.

Travis: Appreciated.

Clint: Alright, I will delay my action, and... prepare to push a button.

Griffin: You can just prepare to hit the button when everybody’s… or when- whenever.

Clint: Okay. That’s what I do.

Griffin: Crate is next, crate already went, boar went, uh, Maarvey goes next, and he reaches down under the dashboard that you’ve just annihilated, and he pulls out a big ol’ hammer. And he’s gonna swing that at your knees to try and sort of get you off balance.

Travis: Mm-hmm.

Griffin: [sound of dice rolling] And he rolls a 21.

Travis: Okay, that does hit my AC, and I am going to use, uh, Parry.

Griffin: [crosstalk] That’s only if you miss, isn’t it?

Travis: “When hit, use-” No, Riposte is if miss. Parry is “When hit, use reaction dice to reduce damage.”

Griffin: That is a d8, by the way.

Travis: Yeah. D8 plus Dex.

Griffin: Well, let me roll the damage first. Uh, 14.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] 3 plus 2, so I take 9. You said 14?

Griffin: Yeah, you take 9 points of damage. And he doesn’t exactly sweep you off your feet, but your knee hurts! And it’s your turn.

Travis: Okay, now I want to jump onto the thing.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: ...Well, hold on. First I want to attack him-

Griffin: [crosstalk, laughing] I was about to say!

Travis: Let me attack him, and then I’ll move. [sound of dice rolling] That is a 12, plus 7, 19?

Griffin: Yup, that’s a hit.

Travis: 4 plus 6, 10?

Griffin: 10, yeah. You bring the axe down on him, he spins a full 360 degrees as gore splurts from him. And he gives you a middle finger.

Travis: Is he dead?

Griffin: And then he falls to the ground dead.

[horn noise]

Clint: We really backed off the “no killing” thing, haven’t we?

Griffin: And then his bubble deploys, and he just very slowly, he’s just-

[laughter]

Griffin: You hear like a “errrr-” [imitates drawn-out squeak noise] as he just slides off the back of the car. Really- really really slowly.

Travis: Now I jump on. Now I’m gonna jump onto the Ram.

Griffin: She’s, like, directly underneath you, so you don’t have to roll for that, you basically just step down, back onto the car. And you are on the car.

Travis: And I brace.

Griffin: Okay. For what?

Travis: I don’t know!

Griffin: Okay. You gonna snap yourself back into the uh, safety rails?

Travis: Yes.



Griffin: Uh, Hurley says, she actually yells up,



Griffin: She leans over to you, Merle, and says,



Clint: Alright, I’m gonna hit that red big red-ass button because I think it’s gonna give us nitro-injected funny fuel!

Travis: You hit it, and a tiny console pops out and gives you a cappuccino.

[end theme begins playing]

[laughter]

Griffin: Somewhere in the distance, Ludacris smiles.

[louder laughter]

[Outro]