The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 20/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely folks at TAZscripts

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Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…

Griffin: And as you come to, you see a black Imperial Crown Coupe, wrapped around a tree.

Clint: I gotta run into the woods!

Griffin: It is a note, uh, written on the back of a Cryptonomica postcard?

Griffin: As you reach toward the crystal, the prevailing feeling that you have right now, in this moment, is one of absolute certainty that you are dying.

Griffin: Uh, as you fall, you are in a flower bed. Your right eye is now this...dark orange hue?

Griffin: You see the face of the person holding this blade.

Griffin: Leo Tarkesian, neighbour and friendly local grocer, clears his throat and says,

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

Griffin: Welcome back to The Adventure Zone: Amnesty, 2019 edition! It has been seven - years since we have recorded an episode...[Justin laughs] Is this the one where we talk about medical history?

[Crosstalk]

Travis: Yes.

Justin: No.

Clint: This is the etiquette one. Right?

Griffin: Yeah, you wouldn't know, because we're four rude mother- motherfudgers.

Travis: [disapprovingly] Griffin!

Justin: [Laughs] Love it. Yes sir!

Travis: Griffin, we've talked about your blue comedy before!

Griffin: Welcome to the blue-collar comedy tour of the podcast. We're four young yokels, Griffin Justin, Travis and...Bob the cable man, and we're so excited to bring to you the Adventure Zone, and...we're gonna play Monster of the Week.

Justin: In this arc. In this arc, four rough and rowdy comedians have been sucked through a portal and are charged with doing uh… battle with the forces of evil. I, of course, play Ron “Tater Salad” White [laughing] And uhm… I’m really excited about this role—

Griffin: [crosstalk] He’s a paladin. [Justin: Paladin.] It’s great.

Travis: I play Jeff Foxworthy, who is in this universe an actual fox. An anthropomorphic fox-man.

Griffin: And Ron White should be known in his paladin name is Ron the White.

Justin: Ron the White, [Griffin: Yeah.] Tater Salad.

Clint: So you’re leaving Larry the Cable Guy for me?

Travis: You could do the guy with the signs.

Clint: Bill Engvall! No, I’ll be Engvall. I’ll be Bill Engvall.

Travis: Yeah, Engvall with his signs would probably some kind of divination class.

Justin: Divination—

Clint: [crosstalk] Here’s your omen. [Griffin laughing] Here’s your omen.

Griffin: Larry the Cable Guy could be like a tinker class [Travis: Yeah, uh.] Or perhaps like a thief or something that can work with traps. Like a trapper of some sort.

Justin: Or, here’s what I— Here’s what I—

Travis: [crosstalk] What about a bard named Larry the Fable Guy.

Griffin: Ooh, that’s quite great.

Justin: That’s very good.

Griffin: Well, okay. So.

Justin: Since we’re jumping through time and portals and stuff, maybe it could be Cable the Cable Guy.

Travis: Uuuhh. [Griffin: Oooh.] I like that!

Justin: From Marvel.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, Ned—

Clint: [crosstalk] Why are we not recording this? This is good stuff.

Griffin: Yeah, real—

Justin: Real good.

Griffin: Real quick: Ned, Aubrey and Duck killed the last big monster and the world is safe. Thanks for listening to TAZ: Amnesty. Now it’s time to move on to this great season of podcasting that we have just devised of the last three minutes.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: I would kill for this—

Justin: Hey, let’s pick a name for it, so people can get on our nerves about it.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Yes, it’d be F— I mean, The Adventure Zone: Funny. Just to keep it sort of the convention. Uhm, no. We’re gonna do a Lunar Interlude for our current arc. Just to like— We haven’t done a The The Adventure Zone Zone about Amnesty since we’ve been in it, sort of, by my guess I think, we’re probably like halfway through it. I wanna say. This is gonna be a shorter one than TAZ: Balance. And uh… I also feel like it’s getting a lot more freeform than TAZ: Balance was towards the end. I think we all tried to make this beginning of Amnesty kind of more structured and uh… I don’t know, narrative heavy like the end of Balance was. And I think that the way the game has sort of moved, it’s been a lot more freeform. So when I say it’s like halfway through, I’ve no fucking idea. But it feels like we’re about there. And we’re gonna do like level up stuff and Heathcliff stuff.

Yeah, you wanted to do the Lunar Interlude this time like based on what kind of progression you wanted. Based on what thing you chose as your level up ability [Justin: Right.] Rather than me doing like “Hey, you’re going on a ski trip and then for no reason at all, you know, Duck eats some good soup and his sharp skill increases. Instead of doing that, like having some sort of narrative justification for it. So, that’s what we did this time—

Travis: It also— There are also have been scenes like that… I’ve wanted to— You know, a scene— Specifically one that we’re doing today. That I’ve wanted to do but it feels weird to stop in the middle of hunting a monster to be like “And now let’s do this!”

Griffin: Yeah, for sure.

Travis: This worked out well.

Griffin: Yeah, I’m really enjoying the game. I agree that the constant kind of tension of “There’s a monster on the loose that could kill somebody” does kind of lend itself to railroading a bit. Like Travis said, it’s tough to be like “Okay and then you go take a pottery class while, you know, the Bandersnatch gets the— eats up the kids”. I didn’t watch that Black Mirror episode but I think that’s what it’s about. So, who wants to start? I’ll leave it up to you guys. Who is the most randy for RPG.

Justin: Let Ned go ‘cause there’s somebody at my door.

Griffin: Okay, [Clint: Okay, great!] we’re gonna let Ned go first. Uhm, Ned.

Clint: Yes!

Griffin: You’ve told me what you want your progression thing to be and what the scene is going to be, so. Let’s hop right into it. Ned, you— This, by the way, takes place in like the couple of months between the December hunt and I guess next one will be the February hunt. So this is sometime in that stretch of time. We don’t have to all take place at the same time. But it’s in there. Ned, you find yourself at Whistles’ auto shop and trusted used car dealership. It is the automotive hotspot for all of Pocahontas County and you are standing there as a tow truck sort of loudly deposits the still mangled wreckage of your Lincoln Continental in the lot, where the shop’s proprietor, Whistles, eyes it over with concern.

Griffin: Ooh! That’s quite good

Travis: Now Griffin, I’m sorry. Is he whistling as he eyes it over or is his name Whistles?

Griffin: His name is Whistles and this is a name that Justin said off-handedly during some Duck lie and now he breathed life into this great character Whistles, the auto dealer.

Travis: Okay, and one additional question: On this auto dealership, has anyone ever been frozen in a block of ice as a publicity stunt?

Griffin: Uh, yes. Clint McElroy, [Clint gasps] who is sort of a plane-walker [Clint wheezes] between our worlds.

Clint: We have esta— That is canon, right? We’ve established I am able to move from plane to plane.

Travis: That is true, yes. ‘Cause he does appear also in Adventure Zone: Balance.

Clint: And I was frozen in a giant block of ice in a used car dealership once.

Griffin: That is true.

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s the reference I was making!

Clint: I know! I know!

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: So Whistles looks at like the mangled corpse of your Lincoln Continental and says,

[Travis laughing]

[hysterical laughing]

Travis: Nailed it, got it in one.

[Travis and Justin laughing]

Clint: Okay, so. Just to kinda… This is how long after the last hunt?

Griffin: I don’t know, you tell me.

Clint: You said a couple of months, right?

Griffin: Somewhere in between like the late December hunt and the February, which will be the next arc.

Clint: Okay! Well, here’s the thing. Obviously, with the end of the last episode he’s kinda feels some guilt that he hasn’t been a more active team member.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: He has an idea of what he wants to get and he’s wandering around this lot, is Whistles doing that whole “used car salesman hanging all over, hovering—”

Griffin: [crosstalk] Oh yeah. I think, yeah you and Whistles hop in a few different cars, like there’s an Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera that’s kinda beat up, there’s an old manual Yugo, there’s a—

Travis: Maybe an old, kind of rusty yellow VW Bug but it has a spark of life in it.

Griffin: Oooh.

Travis: It’s Bumblebee.

Griffin: An AllSpark of life. Yeah, there’s probably Lincoln Town Car, just like trying some stuff out.

Justin: Griffin, you really put Transformers in this thing? What’s up?

Griffin: Uhm. I mean.

Justin: Hey, I hear you guys talking about Transformers like, are you going to put Transformers in this motherfucker?

Griffin: Don’t spoil the surprise ending.

Travis: Oh, is that our next? We gotta hunt a Transformer?

Griffin: Well, the next one is gonna be the blue collar comedy tour, boys. And Transformers—

Clint: [crosstalk] And then hunt the Transformer.

Justin: Transformers Generation—

Travis: [crosstalk] Thus Adventure Zone: Gasoline.

[Clint laughing]

Clint: Okay, so Ned. All right. Ned spots something, [Travis gasps] there on the lot. And he remembers what Victoria was telling him about fate and luck and destiny. And it’s this humongous food truck. A gigantic food— the biggest food truck Ned has ever seen. And painted at the side of it, it says “Crêpes by Monica” [pronounced like “craps”, close to the French pronunciation]. There was a lady called Monica in Kepler, who is— who tried to make a go of it with the food truck business. Selling crêpes. But this is, you know, this is—

Griffin: Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You call ‘em “craps”?

Justin: Did you just say “craps”, dad? How much—

Travis: Is it “craps”?

Clint: It’s crêpes [pronounced like “craps”].

Travis: Crêpes! [pronounced like “crayps”, the American pronunciation] It’s “crayps”!

Clint: [crosstalk] It’s not “crayps”—

Griffin: [crosstalk] It is for sure— It is for sure “crayps”!

Travis: [crosstalk] It is!

Clint: Do you say “crayp-paper”?

Travis: Yes!

Justin: You’re perfect, don’t—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Don’t change a thing.

Justin: —change nothing. They’re now “craps”.

Clint: Okay, so. So, this is obviously—

Travis: “Monica’s Creeps”.

Clint: A fried—

Justin: [singing] Doomsday crêpers!

Clint: A fried baloney sandwich market. Creeps— Crêpes [“Crayps”] are not gonna be very popular. So Ned looks at this and has this epiphany that with just a little bit of paint he could change “Crêpes by Monica” into “Cryptonomica”.

Griffin: Ooh! That’s quite good.

Travis: Oh, I see!

Justin: Okay, yeah!

Travis: Oh, I see!

Justin: Okay, yeah!

Clint: And it could be a rolling headquarters for whatever the hell the three of them are called. And with surveillance equipment inside, some weapons and he can roll around [Justin: Damn, I can tell you’re a writer.] like a mobile headquarters. But at the same time, you’re hiding right under their noses because it’s gonna look like a rolling billboard for Cryptonomica, but it’s really their mobile base.

Griffin: And are you gonna get of the “Crêpes by Monica” sort of paint job and write “Cryptonomica” [Clint: Yeah!] Or is it—

Clint: Yeah, it won’t take very much at all. Just a little bit of paint to change [Griffin: Okay.] “Crêpes by Monica” into “Cryptonomica”.

Griffin: Uh, I mean. Let’s resolve this. You’re talking about borrowing a move from the Professional playbook. The mobility—

Clint: [crosstalk] Yes, the mobility. Yup.

Griffin: Yeah. So, for that you have a truck, van or car built for monster hunting or crêpery. Choose two good things and one bad thing about it, and then there’s some tags: Roomy; surveillance gear; fast; stealthy; intimidating; classic; medical kit; sleeping space; toolkit; concealed weapons; anonymous; armoured; tough; monster cage. So two of those.

Clint: I’m gonna go with surveillance gear and concealed weapons. Like night vision, stuff like that.

Travis: Flashlights.

Clint: Flashlights.

Griffin: I’m into that. Like radio scan— Like you guys don’t have a lot of ways to [Clint: A police scanner.] scan the town. Yeah. I think that’s a very logical choice. And then for concealed weapons is it like stuff inside like Men in Black style, you like press on a panel and some guns come out? Or is it on the outside?

Clint: I don’t know how we would justify that.

Griffin: The outside one, I think, would be much harder— Like if a chaingun comes out of the top. In the shape of a crêpe, like that is way harder to justify than you have secret, hidden weapons inside the panels of the truck.

Travis: But I think you could say in a food truck, there are probably lots of cabinets and stuff. [Griffin: Oh for sure!] Like where you could definitely store weapons. So that if we were ever like stopped by cops or whatever—

Griffin: [crosstalk] And had to fight them!?

Travis: No! [Griffin: Oh, yes.] But they wouldn’t be like [Justin: Woah, twist!] why are you travelling with like eight shotguns.

Griffin: All right. Is that what you want? [Clint sighs] If you want a different tag—

Clint: You know what, I’ll tell you what. It might make more sense for it to be something like a tool thing. You know, I don’t want Ned all of the sudden to become the Terminator and have all this firepower.

Travis: Well now, hold on. What if he does, though?

Griffin: [laughing] Yeah, toolkit is one of the things. So, that can be the tag if you want.

Clint: I don’t know.

Travis: No, that does fit! Because like that was pretty well established with Ned that the trunk was full of stuff that he needed.

Griffin: Oh yeah. Yeah, that’s it! This is your bag of holding [Clint: There you go.], right?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah, the toolkit— the toolkit is a way to finally sort of have a mechanical like justification for the fact that Ned can have whatever the fuck he wants whenever he wants it.

Clint: All right.

Griffin: Okay, so toolkit and surveillance gear and then bad things: loud; obvious; temperamental; beaten-up; gas-guzzler; uncomfortable; slow or old. You have to pick one of those.

Clint: I think “obvious” because it got “Cryptonomica” written at the side of it.

Griffin: Yeah, for sure. Okay, that’s great. Write that down somewhere if you do not mind.

Clint: I just did! [laughing] [smug] ‘Cause I know how to play this game.

Griffin: Okay, so you’re in the driver seat there with Whistles and— his name is plural, right? Yes, okay. And he says,

Griffin: And he hops out of the car and you are sort of poking around the front panel—

Travis: Enjoy your whip!

Griffin: “Crêpes by Monica”. And you know, looking around in the compartment up in the sunvisor, see if there’s any, you know, if anybody left any money in here, I guess. And the passenger door opens and someone hops quickly into the front seat.

Griffin: And uh, he says,

Griffin: I don’t— I don’t want to do a British accent anymore. This is the second time I’ve bailed from doing a British accent on this show. Hm. He says, because he was in prison and his voice changed while he was in prison.

Clint: Yeah, that happens.

Griffin: It happens.

Griffin: And it’s Boyd Mosche.

Griffin: I don’t think— Have you? You’ve described Boyd before, right? Like he’s big, he’s like built. He’s like a strong dude. Is like— Have you like… laid out any other sort of visual—

Travis: Looks badass, I believe is what was said.

Griffin: He looks badass is yeah, so I guess he is like a fucking— he's wearing a Punisher t-shirt. Although I don't know what that means.

Clint: I don’t— I think he’s uh… I think he’s a good looking guy. I mean, I think he’s, you know, can be very persuasive. Nice looking fella.

Griffin: Sure.

Clint: I think everything about Boyd Mosche is colored in Ned’s mind because he, you know, he sees Boyd as being the root of all of his problems.

Travis: I’ve always pictured him as kind of like Jason Statham.

Griffin: Huh, okay. Uh… Well then I have to make him British again.

Clint: Then you gotta go back to the British accent.

Travis: You can do it, Griffin.

Justin: Why does Travis get to pick what dad’s imaginary friend looks like?

[Clint laughing]

Travis: ‘Cause I’m dad’s imaginary friend.

Griffin: He says,

Griffin: He’s also kinda looking around the car like you were, uh, just moments ago before he hopped in. And he says—

Griffin: He looks at you, and he's kinda like agog for a second, and then he starts laughing and he's like,

Griffin: He sighs, and he just starts looking around the car and he says,

[Ned sighs]

Griffin: [chuckles] He laughs and he says,

Griffin: He’s got a little messenger bag he starts rooting around in as he talks. And he says,

Griffin: He says,

Griffin: And he hands you a small printout of this wooden sculpture. Looks like it’s about two feet tall and it’s intricately carved out of this bright, lustrous wood. It depicts this rhododendron tree, carved in breathtaking detail and beneath it is a figure sort of lying and looking upward into the trees branches. It is a lovely sculpture. Boyd says,

Justin: If you— If you listen closely you can hear dad’s buttcheeks flex as he attempts violently not to imitate Griffin’s accent. [Travis and Griffin laughing] He keeps wanting to veer wildly into it, but he’s gripping on for dear life.

Clint: It’s tough, it’s really tough.

Justin: [laughing] It’s difficult—

Clint: Blimey, it’s hard.

Justin: Pr— pr— Cor blimey, I’m very proud of you.

[Travis and Griffin laughing]

Griffin: He says—

Clint: Squire!

Griffin: He says,

[music begins]

Griffin: And he hands you a small stack of photographs taken surreptitiously from behind some branches of the woods. And they’re photographs of Amnesty Lodge.

[music fades out]

Griffin: So, Travis, you wanted to do a scene with Janelle, where you sort of are talking to her about the—

Travis: Yes, my magical guide, Janelle Monáe.

Griffin: Yeah, I’m okay with that headcanon. [Travis: Yep.] And you sort of talk about the nature of your magic stuff, which has, I think, developed over the last arc or so.

Travis: Yeah, I've really gotten good at this whole magic thing!

Griffin: Sometimes. Sometimes you drop a [crosstalk] Pizza Hut sign on all your friends.

Travis: [crosstalk] I can do it all!

Griffin: Uh, that is true. So, I think your training with Janelle— I like the idea of you all sparring. I think your training sessions have gotten a lot less, you know, you… levitating rocks on Dagobah, and more like, you know, full blown wizard duels as you sort of work on your magic together. And, so you're in this large banquet hall in the castle in Sylvain. It gives you a lot more space to spar. And Janelle pulls up a pant leg and stomps on the ground and this huge chunk of stone cracks out of the floor and starts flying at you. What do you do?

Travis: Uh, dive out of the way, and it's magically inspired, like a wind blows the stone one way as it blows me the other.

Griffin: Okay, I like that. How do you retaliate?

Travis: I would say… big fireball sent towards her head.

Griffin: Classic. Roll… I see you in roll20 here, why don't you roll plus weird. And if you really hard fail this one, this may be the end of Janelle, which would be a tragedy.

Travis: It was 8. Well, plus weird that 's a 10. '''

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, out of 10 you, uh, throw a fireball at her and she tries to do like, the same maneuver you just did. She tries to raise up this wall of water to actually just, like, sizzle out the fireball effortlessly but it actually, like, the force of your fireball knocks her backwards. And she falls to the ground, and she looks at you. And she looks very impressed, and your duel comes to an—

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, out of 10 you, uh, throw a fireball at her and she tries to do like, the same maneuver you just did. She tries to raise up this wall of water to actually just, like, sizzle out the fireball effortlessly but it actually, like, the force of your fireball knocks her backwards. And she falls to the ground, and she looks at you. And she looks very impressed, and your duel comes to an—

Griffin: She laughs and she says,

Griffin: She pulls up a chair. She casts a spell and, like, fixes the table and the banquet hall, which almost certainly got exploded during your duel, and pulls up one of the chairs as it sort of reforms beneath her, and she sits down and says,

Travis: And Aubrey takes off her sunglasses.

Griffin: I don't think she knows what that means. I get the gesture here, but I definitely— I don't think she's seen like the multicolored eyes. And she's just like talking and not paying attention. She's like,

Travis: [crosstalk] And Aubrey just kinda starts pointing to her orange eyeball.

Griffin: And she looks up at you and says,

Griffin: She doesn't look, like, angry or disappointed. She looks like she's— like instantly, like her instant reflexive reaction is like, it looks like she's trying to solve a math problem in her head, like she is trying to work something out, as you fess up.

Griffin: She stops her, like, calculation and looks up at you and just wordlessly nods.

Griffin: She has like long since gone back to her calculation, and then she like suddenly stands up with a start and she like looks around the room to make sure that it's just the two of you in there, and she says,

Griffin: She is already like walking away, towards the door.

Griffin: And she leads you out of the banquet hall, and down this long hallway, past a couple detachments of guards. And she takes you into this large chamber that, looking at the opposite wall from the one you entered from, you can tell is actually behind the royal hall from where you first met the ministers of this world during your first trip to this place. You see the three columns that they climb up on to hold court. And in the center of this room, there is, you know, there's marble floor. Right in the center of it is a crest depicting this large, orange crystal in front of the castle. And as you and Janelle step on it, she waves her hand and this circular crest lights up and then starts descending into the ground, and then you're just riding this platform downward. And very quickly, you enter into this massive, massive chamber. It honestly looks like where Heathcliff lives, like you cannot even perceive the true scope of this chamber, it is so massive.

[music fades in]

{Ad break: 38:35 - 43:09}

Griffin: Duck—

Travis: Uh, I should say. I took +1 weird.

Griffin: Uh, yeah—

Travis: I should mention, that’s my—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yes that is a good way of finishing that.

Travis: I got strong, I got better at magic through training. +1 weird.

Griffin: Yeah, for sure. All right, Duck.

Justin: Yep.

Griffin: You messaged me like 45 minutes ago, or 45 minutes before we started recording.

Justin: There’s no need to make this seem like a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Griffin: You said “I can’t wait to level up my wizard” and I had to be like “Aw, dog.”

Travis: Oh no!

Griffin: Oh no!

Justin: No.

Griffin: You wanted to do a scene with Leo, which of course is kind of the scene we have to do. ‘Cause it’ll be wild if he was like “By the way I’ve got powers, too” and then you’re like mini-golfing with your friend Jeff.

Justin: I do, though, it feels weird for it to be the same timelapse as like you talked about with dad.

Griffin: No, no, it can be that night. Like if—

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay, yeah.

Griffin: I’m saying anywhere in that two months.

Justin: [crosstalk] Okay, that’s the scene that you need to see.

Griffin: Yeah. Where is it happening?

Justin: [crosstalk] So that’s the scene I wanna do.

Griffin: Yeah, he’s standing at your doorstep when he had the sword and you realised that Minerva was apparently speaking to him. And uh… Where do you wanna do this scene? Are we picking up literally right then? Or are you in one of your places?

Justin: Uh, we cut to… inside the apartment.

Griffin: Yours or his? ‘Cause you’re neighbours.

Justin: My apartment.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I’m lying on the floor of the bathroom.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay.

Justin: Just like… yes. All right, and that is where the scene is happening.

Griffin: And he’s sitting on the toilet, I guess? On top of the lid?

Justin: No, he’s standing in the doorway.

Griffin: Okay [Justin: All right.], he’s standing in the doorway to the bathroom. Not sitting on the toilet. [Justin: No.] Thank you, Justin, that would have been a weird sort of feeling. [Travis laughing] For this scene.

Justin: Yeah, it woulda been a weird sort of feel.

Griffin: He says,

Griffin: And I think now he does go sit down on the toilet. Fuck you guys. And he’s buckling u— he’s sitting on the john.

Griffin: And he tries to rip the toilet up out of the ground. And he’s like,

Justin: I pick up a roll of toilet paper and I chuck it at his head.

Griffin: It hits him. Like it just absolutely hits him in the head.

Griffin: He stands you up and he’s like,

Griffin: Do you want me to roll for this? Or just— then I just gonna get ‘cha. I think if you want the punch he’s gonna punch ya.

Justin: Yeah, just punch me. You don’t need to roll for it.

Griffin: He is, you know, the humble, friendly, local grocer who’s… I forget what age range I put him in, but he’s up there. And you don’t expect a lot but he punches you with surprising force right in the gut.

Justin: I vomit into the tub.

[Travis laughing]

Clint: You see?

Griffin: Jumpcut to the kitchen.

Griffin: He says,

[Clint snorts][Griffin laughing] [Clint laughing]

Griffin: He says,

Griffin: And he really quickly reaches over and he grabs Beacon, who kinda responds to his touch and uncoils. And he throws Beacon over towards you. I think Act Under Pressure? With your new stats, which we’ll talk about here in a second.

Justin: Hm… Okay.

Griffin: I can roll it for you if you don’t have—

Justin: Yeah, if you don’t mind. I wasn’t logged into the…

Griffin: Oh, that’s a ten!

Justin: Hey, great.

Griffin: Plus uh… what’s your cool?

Justin: One. [Laughing]

Griffin: Okay, so it’s 11. Yeah, you catch it. Like you catch the sword. I— I like the idea of Leo just coming at you with his broadsword. Just to like kinda shock you into heroism. He starts running in your direction with the broadsword sort of plunging towards you. What do you do?

Justin: Uh… I [wheezing] I throw Beacon back at him, still coiled, and go into a fetal position.

Griffin: [Laughing] Okay, you grab Beacon and it immediately coils up in your hand and you drop to the floor and Leo stabs through the rear wall of your apartment. It just goes— his broadsword cuts through the like uh…

Travis: Plaster?

Justin: The— [laughing]

Griffin: He like, it like stops—

Travis: [crosstalk] Drywall?

Griffin: Yeah, it stabs through the drywall and you can actually see it through the kitchen window now, [music fades in] just like peeking out of the side of your house. And he looks down at you and he says,

Griffin: Why don’t we talk real quick, Justin, because yours is probably the most drastic thing we’ve ever done mechanics wise. In the game. [music fades out] ‘Cause you messaged me and had an idea for like a power you wanted to take and then I suggested something a little more dramatic.

Justin: Yeah, so I am no longer the Chosen. I am now Duck the Mundane.

Griffin: Yes, new playbook: the Mundane. And the powers here are so, so, so— Can you like read out some of the moves? That give it some of that good Mundane flavor? Good powerless—

Justin: [crosstalk] I’ll give— I’ll give you the ones that I have chosen. ‘Cause these are the ones that are—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay, yeah, you get to pick three.

Justin: And I’ve added one because I went ahead and took my upgrade levels. ‘Cause I didn’t feel like—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, go ahead and take like three levels up. Yeah.

Justin: Yeah. So I have “Always The Victim.” When another hunter uses protect someone to protect you, they mark experience. Whenever a monster captures me, I mark experience.

Griffin: It’s so good. It’s like a way of rewarding you for playing the powerless best friend archetype.

Justin: “Power Of Heart.” When fighting a monster, if I help someone, YOU don’t roll plus cool. You automatically help as though you rolled a 10.

Griffin: That is an incredibly powerful thing.

Justin: “Trust Me.” When you tell a normal person the truth in order to protect them from danger, roll plus charm. On a 10+ they'll do what you say they should, no questions asked. On a 7-9 they do it, but the Keeper chooses: They ask you a hard question first, stall and dither a while or have a “better” idea. Quote “better idea”. And on a—

Griffin: On a miss I get to screw you over, obviously.

Justin: Yeah. The last one I’ve chosen is “Don't Worry, I'll Check It Out.”  Whenever you go off by yourself to check out somewhere scary, mark experience.

[Griffin and Travis laughing]

Griffin: So this class is all about putting yourself in danger and having to be rescued. I also really like that Power Of Heart move, because you are now, you know, the most human one of the group. And so you’re able to talk to people. And, you know, commiserate.

Justin: [crosstalk] My stats are worse.

Griffin: Yes, of course.

Justin: [crosstalk] Obviously. I have readjusted Beacon’s stats. The Mundane can get a golf club, baseball bat, cricket bat, or hockey stick. So I readjusted Beacon’s stats to be in line with those.

Griffin: I don’t— I don’t hate you still having the same— Like I don’t think Beacon would get weaker with you. I don’t actually like that.

Justin: Well, Beacon is also been damaged. [Griffin: Oh, that’s right!] So I figured that the two of us are— are— you know. We’re both damaged goods at this point.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Shiiit. Yeah. Okay.

Justin: So, he’s 2-harm— 2-harm, innocuous and messy. Are the current tags on that. And also the one upgrade is that I have a means of transport.

Griffin: Yes, now how do we?

Justin: So I can no longer run everywhere without getting tired. [Griffin laughing] Upon realising this, Duck dug back into his closet and dug out his skateboard.

Travis: YES! Yes, please!

Griffin: Yes. So you’ve got a busted sword, you’ve got a skateboard and you still do have a jetpack. So that can be a fun—

Justin: I— I’m pretty sure it… bro—

Griffin: It came back to you! It came back to you at the end of the last arc.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Remember? It saved Ned.

Justin: Yeah, that’s true.

Griffin: It came back and— came back and saved Ned’s life. Okay, that’s fantastic. I’m very excited to—

Justin: So anyway, I’m just a regular person now. It’s not like a secret—

Travis: With a skateboard!

Justin: With a skateboard.

Clint: And a jetpack!

Justin: Yeah, I— yeah… Here’s a spoiler alert for you guys like: I no longer have the ability to shrug off all damage. If I’m gonna use a jetpack, I’m gonna be in the next state. I’m gonna have to like [Griffin laughing] activate that shit via wifi. No way!

Griffin: Uh, that’s great. Okay, so, the last thing we need to do is the Heathcliff stuff, where you all managed to get all three of the items on his list!

Travis: Which were, remind us again?

Griffin: A Seer’s Spectacles, a Lawkeeper Badge (or something like that), and the Victorious Seed which you got from defeating the big tree at the end of the last arc. So, you got all three! Well done! Y’all are— the three of you are now together in the chasm beneath Sylvain. You are in the Realm of the Enchanter. Uh, and that is still the most D&D ass- that’s more D&D ass shit than I did when we were playing D&D! You’re in the Enchanted Realm of the Enchanter, Heathcliff the big cat, and—

Clint: And there’s enchantment in the air!

Griffin: There is! You can feel it! And—

Travis: And everyone’s chanting!

Griffin: And there’s Heathcliff suddenly. Jumpcut! Heathcliff is there! We’re starting in media res. You’ve been there, and now there’s Heathcliff.

[Heathcliff’s theme song starts]

Griffin: And he says,

Heathcliff: I can sense the presence of a few valuables! A few precious items that I requested! Um… Yum yum gimme some!

Griffin: And he extends his huge paw down to the platform where you are standing in front of him.

Travis: I put the items on his very large toe beans—

Griffin: Awww!

Travis: Yeah…

Griffin: And he retrieves them and he says— he actually just like outstretches his toe beans and lets them fall down into the chasm below to land in… I don’t know, some sort of mysterious pot? Who knows what he’s got goin’ on in there!

Travis: Who could even say?

Clint: It’s a big Scrooge McDuck swimming pool full of artifacts.

Griffin: That’s probably what it is. And Heathcliff says,

Travis: Yeah! I definitely remember, but maybe the folks at home don’t, Griffin.

Justin: Yeah! Let’s recap for their benefit.

Clint: Because we know! We remember.

Justin: For sure…

Griffin: Absolutely. This is a mechanic that I sort of hacked into the game to keep some of that D&D-magic-item feel going, called Acquisition, where you roll 2d6 plus the number of items you recovered for Heathcliff and you can either enchant an item you have now and try to get another tag added to it or summon a new item altogether. So, for example, in the last time you guys did this Aubrey enchanted her vest to get 1-armor, the 1-armor tag added to it and rolled successfully, so that was successfully added to the armor. Duck summoned a jetpack. That’s how he used his roll, so really really really open-ended system. It is fully up to you guys. I will now drop— oh— I will drop the gear tags into Slack. There’s the list of tags; it is quite long. Some of them are good, some of them are bad. Okay, Aubrey you rolled a…?

Travis: 20! Well, no… Basically, nat-20.

Griffin: You rolled a— holy shit you did roll 6-6. You rolled a nat-12 plus 3 so a 15!

Travis: I got a 15! I want… I’m looking for what would justify this… I want a knife that I can control.

Griffin: You want a magic fuckin’ The Phantom Knife?

Travis: Yes. The Shadow. Sorry Griffin.

Griffin: Was it The Shadow? Damn it, you’re right. Hmm…

Travis: Or maybe a throwing knife? I want— I want some kind of weapon [Griffin: Yeah?] that I can use. ‘Cause right now I’ve got the magic, and that’s great. Magic, don’t get me wrong, super great.

Justin: We need to make sure dad hasn’t been kicked off the call because Travis mentioned The Shadow and Dad didn’t smash into the conversation Kool-Aid Man style.

Clint: Who knows what evil? Who lurks?

Travis: See there it is, alright it must have cut out.

Justin: [crosstalk] There was like a five-minute delay, apparently, on the call.

Griffin: Yeah, Trav, I think we can— I mean, we can do whatever the fuck. I’m just trying to figure out a way to make it work. Uh, you get a… Oh, that’s right, you’ll get a positive and a negative tag for it. So I think the idea of you having a knife that you are, like, bonded with… I don’t necessarily know that this is like your “magic” magic. I think the knife is magic, but all of your magic so far has been very elemental. So unless you’re using the wind to blow this knife around—

Travis: No, no, no. I want it to be like a magic Sylvain knife. You know? I do want it to be something that I have to, like, guide, that I am responsible for.

Griffin: Uh, Heathcliff says,

Griffin: He yawns.

Griffin: And he ducks down into the chasm and you hear a loud sound and a flash of light and a “woosh!” as he rises back up and extends his cat paw towards you and hands you the magic knife. What’s it look like? Before we figure out its tags.

Travis: I’m going to say it’s very much like a Scottish dirk, like a small one. So there’s not like— it doesn’t have like a big cross… Oh, I’m so mad at myself that I can’t remember what that is…

Griffin: A— a guard?

Travis: Yeah, it doesn’t have a big guard or anything. It’s just like straight blade-to-handle—

Griffin: Oh, I see, I see, I see. There’s basically no guard at all, it’s just like a— [Travis: Yes.] it’s just like a handle and then a blade coming out of it. Okay, I’m into that!

Travis: And it does have, not a scabbard but a sheath that one might keep perhaps on a belt or in a boot. It’s basically like a throwing knife, you know?

Griffin: Yeah, I feel it! That’s good! Yeah, that comes out of it and it— I think it flies towards you like it knows what’s up and sort of stops as it gets close to you and rotates itself to put its handle in your direction.

Travis: And I grab it!

Griffin: Nothing else happens.

Travis: And maybe squeal a little bit, ‘cause it’s super cool!

Griffin: Okay, so I think it’s gonna have the far tag. Fart! [Everyone laughs] And I’m trying to decide if that’s like the positive tag here or if that’s kind of like a freebie that determines— I think that’s a freebie that determines its range. So what’s the other— what’s the other gear tag that’s good here? And then I’ll decide—

Travis: I mean, magic…

Griffin: Yeah, sure, magic! So it can affect certain creatures and armors that are proof against normal weapons. Yep, that’s good. The negative here will be… I mean, it’s a knife that flies around through the air, that you do not really understand how it does that. So, because you don’t really understand that, I think there’s like not a 100% guarantee that it’s going to do what you want all the time. It is a magic flying knife. I think volatile, this weapon is dangerous and unstable, is a pretty good one.

Travis: Yep, concur!

Griffin: Alright, Ned, Duck, what are you feeling? What do you want? [Unintelligible chatter, including Travis saying “What do you want?” in a weird voice]

Justin: I’ll let Ned go first.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: What are you sellin’?

Clint: Six plus three!

Griffin: Six plus three is a nine. Okay, are you trying to summon something or enchant something?

Clint: I think Ned wants to enchant the Narf Blaster 3000? Or 5000?

Travis: Well, how much are you enchanting it?

Griffin: Yeah, we can add power to it.

Travis: It’s 5000! Is that right?

Clint: I like the idea of it being even more powerful, but I also like the idea of enchanting it with life drain which transfers life energy. The wielder is healed for as many points of harm as were inflicted.

Griffin: Uh, okay?

Clint: Which sounds, you know, egotistical enough to still qualify as being Ned. And yet, you know, kind of kicks up his attack power.

Griffin: Yeah, I like that! I think— I like that a lot. I want this to happen very badly. The rule I wrote in, like, when I was writing this is that each piece of gear can only be enchanted one time. So, I think the enchantment you got last time was magic so you could shoot a ghost with it, essentially. I think you can definitely do this but maybe it replaces magic. Which like… magic only lets you hit ghosts, basically; magic is the tag that lets you kill things. So, like, swapping out magic for life drain.

Clint: Okay, yeah! So, yeah, I wanna— I hold out— Ned holds out the Narf Blaster, let’s say 5000, the Narf Blaster 5000 and tells him,

Griffin: He takes a look at it and he says,

Griffin: And he dives down into the abyss, and this time he’s holding like this yellow orb as well as your Blaster, and now the yellow orb starts like floating in the air, and he waves his hand over the Narf Blaster, and you see this like purple light come out of it, which he then sort of forms into a ball and drops down into the abyss, and he grabs the yellow ball out of the air and pushes it into the Blaster, and then he hands it back down to you and he says,

Griffin: Uh, a— I think the way that it does the life drain— I think it’s a beam now. I think it’s a full-blown, like, Ghostbusters Proton Pack that like whips across the wall leaving a scorch mark as it goes.

Clint: And I feel awesome!

Griffin: Okay, and Duck!

Justin: Yes!

Griffin: Have you waited until last because you don’t know what you want and we’re going to get you another jetpack?

Justin: No!

Griffin: Okay, what d’you got?

Justin: Damn, fuck! Fuck me!

Clint: Good try.

Justin: I was getting convinced— confused. So I roll first and then I decide what I want to do with it? That seems wild.

Griffin: Yeah, that hasn’t been the rules but it’s what Travis and dad did, so I think if you-

Justin: Yeah, that’s like a weird thing to do. I’m not gonna do that.

[Everyone laughs]

Griffin: He looks kind of—

Griffin: He looks pissed off and he’s like

Griffin: He says, uh—

[everyone laughing]

Griffin: He dives down—

Travis: And Aubrey yells,

Griffin: He dives down and—

Griffin: He dives down into the abyss and, uh… takes a while down there and you see like a few flashes of light and he comes back up and I think he’s got like five or six different helmet designs and he’s like,

Griffin: There’s like a— you know like a motorcycle helmet. There’s a viking helmet for sure. There’s a knight’s full helm with like the guard in front of it. There’s like a— sort of a modern combat helmet with some, you know, like the netting wrapped around it. I think he offers you a few different helmet designs.

[Clint laughing]

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

Griffin: I don’t want to leave it ‘til the next adventure with that negative— with that poop—

Clint: Nah, it’s ok!

Griffin: With that poo-poo argument! No I don’t want this beef lingering in the air. [beat] Uhp, well maybe it’s going to! See you next time folks!

[Everyone laughing]