Ep. 41: The Eleventh Hour - Chapter One

"Can our heroes recover the final three Grand Relics before they're crushed by the weight of their incompetence? No, they can't! It's the Adventure Zone!"

Synopsis
''After a fairly morose start to the episode, our heroes are launched -- with great speed -- into a new adventure. What awaits them inside of the time-stuck anomaly? More important question: Who's ready for SUMMER FASHIONS? Merle exhibits classic Dwarven jealousy. Magnus loves a fish. Taako accidentally saves the day.''

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of Boyland…
The adventure bois are still hanging out in the Bureau of Balance on the Moon, and the time has come for Boyland’s Rites of Remembrance. Everyone (except Avi, and Pringles, who is still in jail) is on hand to mourn Boyland, and everyone is so sad. Boyland was a good guy, well-beloved by everyone at the BoB. Literally everyone in the BoB was a serious Boyland Boi, and everyone is crying and sharing their favorite stories of Boyland. Should the dudes have gotten to know Boyland better? Magnus says they were probably right in thinking he was a dick. All the same, Magnus raises his flagon of Super alcohol, and makes a toast to Boyland. Johann is playing a cello piece he wrote for Boyland, The Voidfish lights up with the blocked memories of everyone on earth trying to remember the fallen dwarf. It’s beautiful and tragic, and the mood is only a little bit ruined by Merle’s groans and Taako’s jokes about the Voidfish being Johann’s number one fan.

Magnus and the Voidfish share another moment, with his hand pressed up against the tank. The Voidfish sings Magnus their song once more.

Gametime
The Director signals to our heroes that it’s time to get briefed on their next mission. She’s really broken up about Boyland, but also worried about the extraordinary dangers involved in this mission. The fifth Grand Relic is the Temporal Chalice, which is a cup that gives the holder power over time itself. The Temporal Chalice will tempt the beholder with the power to fix their mistakes. The Director pulls out a sphere.ppt that shows a brown, dusty, series of dry canyons that are weaving into the ground, all made up of red clay. The largest of the canyons has a big opening that contains a perfect circle — a bubble/temporal anomaly/forcefield. The power creating the forcefield has begun to wane, which led to its discovery. The bubble is nearly 1.5 miles in diameter, impenetrable, and opaque, and the Director does not know what’s inside. It’s not just a dome, it’s perfectly spherical, extending into the ground, and it blocks time. The Temporal Chalice is projecting the field, and it’s very likely inside the bubble.

The name of this area… requires some workshopping, but is eventually revealed to be the Woven Gulch.

COOL LOOKS FOR HOT SUMMER DAYS
It’s gonna be hot down there, so it’s time for some shopping! The boys go to Fantasy Costco, and Garfield the Deals Warlock helps them pick things out. The clothing department of Fantasy Costco shoots out with shelves and racks of clothes like in the Matrix. Taako goes with a salmon or mauve flirty skirt. Magnus wants cargo shorts, but he’d also like them to be enchanted so he doesn’t have to worry about sand getting all up in there, if you know what he means. Merle gets jodhpurs cut right above the knee and secured with garters, in black, green, and red plaid. Jortpurs. Garfield the Deals Warlock "gives them one on the freeskis," and enchants the fantasy shorts (and skirt) to guard against dust.
 * TAAKO: I want a skirt like the one Jerad Leto wore to the 2015 I Heart Radio Music Awards.
 * GARFIELD: You’ve got it!
 * GARFIELD: What color? I think a salmon would look good on you, Taako.
 * TAAKO: Well, his was black, but I think something light for the clime would be great, so. Maybe kind of like a mooave? Like a mooav? [Ed. note: mauve]
 * GRIFFIN: Okay. He gets you the exact color you were thinking of. How low- or high-cut is this? What are we talking, like at the knee?
 * JUSTIN: I mean, flirty.

[38:16]

The Money Zone
Sponsored by Little Guardians webcomic. Perfect for the family of fantasy fans!

Sponsored by the new novel The Girl with the Red Hair, based on the author’s own D&D campaign. mjsauthor.com

For Abbot from Eric, Ian, and Jesse: It’ll be hard to find somebody willing to sacrifice his party members for a chance at the best loot, but it paid off for you in the form of an unusually roguish hat. Your character and friendship will be missed. Good luck on your new side quest.

For Mickey from Michael. Thanks for covering me that weekend when I forgot my wallet. You’re extremely generous and a great friend. You’re also a big jerk who refused to let me pay you back, but you know who won’t refuse my money? The McElroys. So here’s our favorite Dungeon Master, telling the world that you’re a terrific, selfless guy. Now we’re even, you stubborn asshole.

Featured NPCs

 * The Director
 * Voidfish
 * Johann
 * Avi

Featured Locations

 * Bureau of Balance


 * Woven Gulch

#1
10:50 TAAKO: Like I’ve always said in every situation, I’m the one hurt most by this.

PTO is no joke

 * 16:55 THE DIRECTOR: Have you all collected yourselves? Are you emotionally prepared to- If you need to take a day, I think we can probably give you some leave.
 * 17:03 MERLE: Is it paid? Paid leave? I mean the whole thing with Boyland… I’m, I’m pretty shattered. But I don’t want to lose a day of pay!
 * 17:07 THE DIRECTOR: If that’s what you desire, if that’s what you need, then I completely understand.

Regionalisms

 * 18:30 THE DIRECTOR: It’s the fifth Grand Relic, which is the Temporal Shalice. Or Chalice. Depending sort of what region you’re from. Let’s go with Chalice.
 * 18:38 MERLE: So it’s a giant… like an onion?
 * 18:39 THE DIRECTOR: It is… a relic, a cup, that-
 * 18:42 TRAVIS: Dad, I want you to know I got that.
 * 18:44 GRIFFIN: I got it, it’s just, like… no.

Once you pop

 * 25:45 MAGNUS: So the goal is: Get the Chalice, do not use it.
 * 25:47 THE DIRECTOR: Do not use it, and get out.
 * 25:51 MERLE: Is there a palace where they keep the Chalice?
 * 25:53 MAGNUS: Good question. What if we have to use it to stop it?
 * 25:57 THE DIRECTOR: That’s goofy talk.
 * 25:58 MAGNUS: Well. You’re not gonna be there, you don’t know.
 * 26:03 THE DIRECTOR: To quote your imprisoned friend Pringles, once you pop, the time control don’t stop.

COOL LOOKS FOR SUMMER

 * 26:17 MERLE: Is it hot down there?
 * 26:19 THE DIRECTOR: It’s probably sticky… if you want to wear shorts-
 * 26:21 TAAKO/JUSTIN: Oh wait a minute! We gotta get new looks! We gotta get summer looks!
 * 26:26 IN UNISON: YAYYYYYY! Shorts shorts shorts shorts! Fantasy shorts! Fantasy shorts!
 * 26:35 TRAVIS: Magnus definitely has cargo shorts, don’t even tell me I don’t.
 * 26:40 THE DIRECTOR: O…okay. I will set this up for you, if you will get on the… This will be your signing bonus, is I will secure for you some cool shorts. Is that…
 * 26:51 MAGNUS: Okay, but on one condition. I want a changing room with three stalls, and I want Killian and Carrie and N0-3113 to be there all kind of like shaking their head yes or no when we come out and display it. Does that sound good to you guys?
 * 27:00 MERLE: Say Yes to the Shorts
 * 27:06 TAAKO: Um, don’t… please don’t trip, I’m wearing a skirt. Don’t even bug on that, like of course I’m wearing a skirt.
 * 27:12 MERLE: A kilt!
 * 27:12 TAAKO: Not a kilt, like a skirt, but like a magic skirt.
 * 27:26 MAGNUS: Merle would wear a utilikilt. Or maybe jodhpurs, we’re going to the desert.
 * 27:26 MERLE: Do they make jodhpurs…
 * 27:26 THE DIRECTOR [urging them out of the room]: And awayyyyyyy you gooooooooo! Off we go on another adventure.

DM gets impatient

 * 30:15 GRIFFIN: I cannot believe how much time we’re spending on this.
 * 30:23 TRAVIS: I’ve put a lot of thought into my magical cargo shorts.