Ep. 39: The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Eleven/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...



Travis: I tap it with the Glutton's Fork and I swallow it.

[assorted giggling]

Griffin: What the fuck.

[everyone bursts into laughter]

Clint: I look at Legion and I cast Banishment.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]

Griffin: The three of you, with your NPC associates, have solved my ghost robot riddle.

Travis: It’s time for orange slices and Hi-C.

Griffin: Everyone gets orange slices and Hi-C. Um, and those-- it’s not the battles that you’ve won and the puzzles that you’ve solved that are gonna allow you to level up later, it’s actually the orange slices and Hi-C.

[sound of someone opening a soda in the background]

Justin: Can I get Little Debbies and Hi-C?

Griffin: Yes.

Justin: I’d prefer Little Debbies, to--

Clint: You know that’s such, that’s such a misnomer because, Little Debbies- there’s hundreds of Little Debbies! Are you speaking specifically about the oatmeal cakes?

Justin: No, just like, any kind of--

Griffin: See you say that, but then you get a fuckin’ pecan roll, and you’re like [groans] aww!

Justin: --Little Debbie-ish--

Travis: I love that Dad just embodied Twitter in talking about Little Debbies.

[laughter]

Travis: “Uhh, excuse me. Hold on. Which Little Debbies?”

Justin: Quick round robin: Worst Little Debbie. Mine is Star Crunch.

Griffin: Umm, yeah. Star Crunch, you blink and you miss a Star Crunch.

Travis: That’s gonna be Cosmic Brownie!

Griffin: Oh.

Justin: Is the best?

Griffin: Is the best one.

Travis: No.

Griffin: So, the dust has settled from this big climactic battle, after Merle, with a little extra juice from Pan, banished Legion back to the astral plane. Um, by the way, the mirror that was in the middle of this room is still on top of you Magnus, which we need to resolve at some point...um, but we’re hopping back in, literally just after this battle is finished, and there’s--



[Clint wheezing]

Griffin: Uh–– Magnus has sex really quick I guess, um… [background laughter]

Travis: No, it’s on my lungs, the mirror’s on my lungs… [crosstalk]

Justin: Yucky.

Travis: It’s on my RPG lungs.

Griffin: That makes sense. Um, Noelle and Carey actually high five, um…

Travis: I’ve got Phantasthma!

Griffin: You’ve got what?

Travis: It’s like asthma, but it’s RPG asthma. Phantasthma.

Griffin: [laughing] Alri-i-ght. Uh. No, I really like that one, Trav.

Travis: [quietly] Thank you.

Clint: [crosstalk] ...I do too.

Griffin: And uh, you, uh, you all, almost simultaneously you hear, static, coming through your, uh, stones of farspeech! The static clears up, and you hear a voice through it say, like,



[heavy laughter from Clint]



Travis: Uh-kaboom.



Travis: I-I wink at the robot mom.

Griffin: Umm… she can’t wink back, because she doesn’t have a traditional face, but the light, uh, in her tummy kind of, flickers very quickly. And she says,



Griffin: You see, you actually see Maureen-bot, trying to tend to Lucas’s wounds. If you remember she did a critical first aid roll which actually, um, stabilized him, but he’s still, I mean he got lit up by these robo, by these robo lasers. Um, and her hands are kind of, kind of fucked up? Because she, smashed them to turn them into sort of makeshift, umm… shock-y paddles? Those have a name. Defibrillators. And she, she turns to all of you and says:



Justin: Don’t you dare, don’t you dare say another word until you have a character voice.



Justin: There we go.

Travis: Well, accomplished?

Justin: Hold on. I just gotta say, I just got fuckin’ swept up in a world of imagination and fantasy, [Griffin laughing] and I just wanna say how transformative that was, thank you. Just, thank you, fa-. Thank you, everyone. It’s been so good.



Justin: Can I sidebar with uh, uh, Merle while they’re doing their sidebar?

Griffin: Yeah. Merle is currently probably over, uh– uh, Lucas, helping him out.

Justin: So while he’s doing that, uh,



[laughter and crosstalk]

Justin: Oh wait, is this sidebar happening, I forgot about that!

Griffin: This sidebar’s like, “listen, listen here, if I ever see you again, I’ll kill you. Once I get out from this mirror.”

Clint: It kind of, you know, diminishes the threat, a little bit.

Travis: Yeah. I-I forgot about that.

Clint: Not quite as badass as you thought it would be.

Justin: [crosstalk] God, if Dad has to remember our story things--

[interrupted by Clint laughing heartily]

Justin: --for us we’re in a bad way, huh?

Travis: [crosstalk] When Dad is our RPG compass, it’s a real problem!

[Clint laughing again]

Griffin: Um, uh, Lucas actually comes to, under your healing hands, um and uh, turns towards you and Maureen, Magnus, and says uh,



Justin: Character voices. I swear to god, c’mon…

Clint: [in his Christopher Lloyd Merle voice] I did! That was a character voice!

Travis: That was not a character voice! Not!

Justin: Debra, repeat the tape, Debra.



Justin: Fucking swept away right now.

Clint: That was the repeat.

[laughter]

Griffin: A… rift opens up. In the room. Um… no crystal kingdom crinkle-tinkles, but a rift opens up in the room, and a white light comes through, as you’ve seen it come through many times before. Um, and it lowers itself, into a… dormant robot that Carey and Noelle kinda trashed earlier. It’s missing an arm, already, it’s already been Magnus-ded--

[giggling]

Travis: Magnied.

Griffin: It’s been Magnied -

Clint: [crosstalk] Semi.

Griffin: It’s been Magnied, and this robot stands up, and it’s all beat to hell, and this robot says uh,



Griffin: What is this voice?

Justin: It was C- It used to be Cockney.

Travis: Oh yeah, it was Cockney.



[Travis/Magnus laughing]



[Clint laughing]

Griffin: He uh, he--

Travis: Dan Godinson.

Griffin: He pulls up, he waves his one, uh, remaining robotic hand in the air, and that floating, book appears once again. Um, and it’s floating out in front of him, and a quill appears in his hand. And he starts doing some, scratching around, in this book, and he says uh,

Travis: Dear diary! You’ll never believe what happened to--

Griffin: [in Kravitz’s voice] Dear Man in the Moon, uh--

Clint: Dear Penthouse Forum!

Griffin: He says,



[laughter]



Travis: What’s that?

Clint: That was a machine gun.



[Travis and Justin begin to talk at the same time]



[Travis, Justin, and Clint all begin to talk at once]



[Griffin laughs and Clint wheezes]



[Travis, Justin, and Clint make assorted lip-smacking noises]



Travis: See, I’m very excited ‘cause I have a set of cheating cards.



Travis: No, no, that was Travis saying that! I didn’t do it in character voice, Griffin.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [laughing] Heh- a line we’ve-we’ve uh, worked so hard to keep clear.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Uh, what do the cheating cards do?

Travis: No idea.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Travis: [chuckles] Prolly should’ve looked that up before I engaged in the card game.

Griffin: [quietly laughs]

Justin: Were they in Fantasy Costco, Scraps?

Travis:  No, I think I picked them up off a body in like, the first-

Griffin:  Yeah, in like episode two you did, you picked them up off of the, like, slave trader…

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: ...hillbillies. Okay, we can use those… How would we resolve… cheating--a cheating deck of cards? I’ve got this-

Travis: I would say that the best way to go is like-

Justin: Bluff? I would think bluff check, right?

Griffin: Um… I also have a deck of cards here. And I’d love to do some prop-some prop work. Um… so maybe we just, like, I’ll draw one and that’ll be Kravitz’s cards-

Clint: Find the lady, where’s the lady? Yes, everyone, keep your eye on the lady!

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Here’s what we’ll do; I’ll draw one for Kravitz, okay?

Clint: Right.

Griffin: And then, we’ll draw one for you, Magnus. And then, if it doesn’t-if it beats it, you win, if it doesn’t beat it, you make a deception check-

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: -Or a sleight of hand check, either one. Um… and you-if you’re successful you can go again ad-ad infinitum.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: [draws card] Uh, that’s a nine of clubs. [draws again] And that’s a five of clubs for you, so why don’t you make a-whichever one you want, and we’ll say you beat a DC...13.

Travis: [dice] Okay, that was a 14. Sleight of hand 12+2.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Thank you, Jesus.

Griffin: [draws card] There it is, jack of diamonds. Uh, okay, yeah.



Griffin: He starts to walk back towards the rift that he has opened up. And he says,



Griffin: Maureen-bot stands up from - y'know what, I'm gonna go ahead and say that Maureen-bot helped you get out from under the mirror 'cause this is getting fuckin' ridiculous.

Clint: No! No don't, I was havin' too much fun envisioning Travis doin' all this stuff while under the mirror.

[Travis laughs.]

Griffin: You did that whole card trick thing using the mirror on top of you as a makeshift card table. Shuffle-up and deal!

Justin: Where's the lady? Find the lady!

Travis: She's on my tummy!

[“See You Later” starts playing during Maureen’s dialogue]

Griffin: Maureen walks towards them and says,



Griffin: And she walks over to you, Taako, and Merle, and says,



Griffin: She walks over to Lucas and sorta kneels down over him, and Lucas looks really upset but he's not really saying anything, he kinda seems like he's in shock a little bit. And she says, uh,



Griffin: And then she leans in close and whispers something to him, and then the light pops out of her conduit and floats over to the robot that Kravitz is in and the light pops out of his conduit, and-



Griffin: She says,



Griffin: -and disappears through the rift. And he goes through the portal as well and it closes up--



[crosstalk]

Griffin: A rift opens back up and he pops out and goes;



[Laughter]

Justin: Dad had a fish named Elvis.

Griffin: Did he? Didn't we have a fish that like got froze over in real life?

Travis: No, that was Bob Shubey.

Clint: Bob Shubey.

Justin: Bob Shubey got frozen in real life, and came back to life and grew so large we had to let him go in Fourpole Creek.

Griffin: Is that true?

Justin: Yes! It's true! --Oh, wait a minute, you flushed him didn't you, you son of a bitch.

Clint: You were too tender and gentle!

Justin: Son of a bitch, I thought until just now-

Clint: You were only a sophomore in college, you couldn't have handled that heartbreak-

Justin: Dad said he had to let him go to the creek 'cause he was so big.

[crosstalk]

Griffin: Well that’s also -

Travis: That was true!

Griffin: Well guys, let me just -

Justin: How could you!

Griffin: Let's just dial this in real quick 'cause that would also definitely still kill him.

Justin: That's fair.

Travis: It was not a very clean creek.

Justin: It was-- it's a bad- I mean it's still not a very good creek.

Clint: Elvis was a plecostomus, one of those scum-suckers, wasn’t he?

Griffin: Lucas stands up, still not really saying anything, and walks over to a console, punches in some buttons, and you feel the lab around you start to come back to life. And Noelle actually walks over to, uh- Magnus, are you out from under the mirror? Let's say this is the time where Noelle comes over and with her four robot arms-

Justin: We're cool on crystals, right? The crystalline menace, is like-

Griffin: Oh yeah, it's done, it's stopped - Maureen was the one in control of that, and she stopped using it.

Travis: Justin, is the crystalline menace like, a propaganda poster about some far-off country?

[Clint laughs]

Travis: We must stop the crystalline menace!

Griffin: The-- uh, so Noelle helps you out, Magnus, and says,



Clint: The ladies love you. [Taako attempts to interject]



Griffin: She lifts the mirror up off you and pulls you out.



[Laughter]



Griffin: Lucas says,



Griffin: And he presses a few more buttons on the console, and through the wall of this lab chamber, like the Kool-Aid man, a familiar face appears-

Clint [imitating the Kool-Aid Man]: Ohh yeah!

Griffin: One with a glowing red clown nose, and terrifying facial features, perched on some elevator doors-

Travis: Mr. Upsy!



Travis: Oh yeah, this was still happening at Candlenights, wasn't it?



[Laughter]

Griffin: And Carey goes,



Griffin: And his doors open up.

[Assorted groans of disgust/exasperation]

Travis: I reluctantly do so.

[someone makes a squelchy fart noise]

Griffin: As his elevator door-face opens up, there's actually like, some strings of goo that separate? As he opens up, it’s some sort of elevator slime that sorta falls to the ground.

Travis: Oh, god.

Upsy [muffled]: Come on! I don't got - I don't got all day! [fake gagging from Justin]

Travis: Magnus gets in.

Justin: Yeah, I get on.

[various grossed-out noises]

Griffin: All of you pop in. You three, Carey, and Noelle. Lucas starts to walk towards the elevator, turns and walks over to Maureen's disabled conduit, and takes a small screwdriver out of his coat, and pops out the central fuse that she had in her conduit. It kinda looks like a small lantern? Now that he's sorta just holding it free from the robot. Lucas takes this lantern and walks over, and holds it up in you guys' direction and says,



Griffin: Upsy's face closes-

Travis: And digestion begins.

Griffin: The digestive process begins--hold on, I'm really gonna take my time with this part--and you can actually see through Mr. Upsy's eyes. He's not, like, on a wire? He's basically straight-up Wonka-ing on some shit as he flies backwards out of the hole that he made in the wall and out of the lab, which you see sort of getting smaller and smaller, as your party, inside of Mr Upsy, sails through a snowy sky, led by Upsy's bright red nose, and back up into the hole in the moon.

[“A Candlenights Miracle” plays]

{31:21}

[Personal messages/Jumbotron]

{37:47}[music]

Griffin: So you've returned to the Bureau of Balance Headquarters, and as the doors of Upsy open, you see it's actually not as thoroughly staffed as the Bureau HQ usually is, because it's very late at night at this point - we'll say it's probably around, like, 4 in the morning? Still Candlenights. You began this adventure like early evening on Candlenights, and just made it through - though I'm pretty sure the timing on that doesn't work out based on the arbitrary time limits I kept setting - well, whatever.

And you are met with applause - it's not as fervent as it usually is because, again, people are pretty drowsy, but people are- you are welcomed warmly by adoring fans as you step out of this weird living elevator and start to walk towards the main hall. And as you approach the main hall and you walk across the quad, which is protected by some sort of barrier from the blizzard around you, you see a large shape wearing a null suit, charging at all of you, from the main hall. And as this shape gets closer you realise it's actually Killian! Who, uh - who rushes in and swoops up Carey in a big ol' spinning hug. And she says, uh,



Griffin: Killian looks at the rest of you guys and says,



Griffin: Um. All of you: Noelle, Carey, Killian, and the three of you are, uh, you’ve made it to the main hall, and you are standing in front of the Director. This is the room where one of the walls sort of opens up into a massive window into the chamber where the Relics have been destroyed.

It is really late, some groggy looking staff have assembled to help, sort of, conduct in the destruction of the Philosopher’s Stone. Uh, Davenport is in the room, by the Director’s chair. Angus is off in a corner, somewhere, basically half asleep, but gives you guys a big thumbs up and a big cheesy grin.

Justin: Angus - I give Angus a thumbs down.

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: And I go, “Pbbttt.” (raspberry sound)

Travis: I do the thing where you put your hands together and then you put two fingers through and twist it around and then you wiggle the two fingers.

Griffin: He looks amazed.



Griffin: He runs up to you, Mag-



Travis: I take his nose.



Justin: I cast Prestidigitation to make it look like his nose isn’t there.

Clint: Oh, good.

Travis: Even Magnus is surprised!

Griffin: His childlike wonderment turns to absolute terror, as he goes:



Travis: [crosstalk] I eat it. Mmm! Mmm! (like he’s eating it)

Clint: God, you and your eating!


 * Taako/Merle: Terrible!
 * Taako/Merle: Terrible!
 * Taako/Merle: Terrible!

Justin: How could you.

Clint: I was chiming! I was just chiming!

Griffin: He reaches up and touches that -he feels that his nose is still there and he goes:



(Laughter.)

Travis: (imitating Angus) Kinda messed up.

Griffin: And he says:



Griffin: --and walks back to the corner he was standing in.



Griffin: The Director, who also looks pretty tired, um, uh, let’s just assume you kinda debrief her on what happened there, because I don’t think anyone wants to hear a thorough rehashing of the last 11 episodes of the Adventure Zone -

Travis: [crosstalk] We passed all of our appropriate bluff checks and deception checks.

Clint: Yeah, are we telling her the truth?

Griffin: Okay, I guess we can play this out, um, if you do want to bluff about - let’s just skip ahead to that part, uh, to the final encounter. She says, uh:



Travis: I rolled a 16, by the way. Plus 1.

Griffin: On your bluff check?

Travis: Yeah, deception check.

Griffin: On what?

Travis: On deception check. There’s no bluff in 5th edition.

Griffin: Oh, weird. Okay, yeah, that’ll be sufficient. I was going to make one of you guys roll it, so that’s fine.

Justin: And I didn’t lie, so.

Griffin: And you did not lie. Yes, you were very careful. Um, okay, and she - now she walks over to Noelle, and addresses her,



Griffin: and Noelle says:



Justin: Uh, Ditto, point of order. Does, uh, is it - like when she was just talking to us about the Bureau of Balance and like, Lucas’ importance to it, uh, was Noelle hearing that? Is she just getting a lot of static, or like, is there a way to get her, like, will the Voidfish’s ichor still like work on her?

Griffin: Um, I mean, you could ask her.

Justin: Ask, I guess I could-



Griffin: And the Director says:



Griffin: And Noelle says:



Griffin: And the Director looks at the three of you.



Griffin: She says, kinda under her -

Travis: Cool. Cool. Cool, got it. Wink.



Griffin: Um, Carey says:



Griffin: And Killian says:



Griffin: And Noelle says:



Griffin: And Director says:



Griffin: She says;



Travis: I just start sticking my fingers down my throat.



Griffin: Um, that rock has - you ate that rock about 45 minutes ago.



Griffin: So it’s like down there, it’s not - Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be working.

Travis: Magnus starts punching himself in the stomach.

Griffin: That works, that’s fine. I don’t have a solution in mind for how you guys are going to do this? Um, I want you to really explore the space.



Griffin: Okay. Um.



Griffin: Jeez.



Griffin: If possible, I would love to avoid a shitting-based solution. A) Because I don’t want to know what exists beyond the “explicit” tag in iTunes.

[Laughter]

Griffin: I don’t, like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I don’t want--I don’t think I want to be a part of that. But also, I would also--

Justin: Hey!

Griffin: --not like this scene to drag on as long as a human being’s digestive cycle.



[Laughter]



Travis: Is this where we can do like a propeller cutaway and it comes back and it’s done and everything went great?



Griffin: Okay. Magnus, are you going to lie down for this, or?



Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I got spell slots to burn here. Uh, uh, I cast Sleep on Magnus, Magnus is out, and I’ll cast Stone Skin on Magnus, to make his skin into stone.

Griffin: Okay. Magnus, your skin is stone, but you are asleep.

Travis: I’m dreaming of large women. Go on.

Justin: Alright, so you-- now you have Stone--

Clint: I have Stone Shape - I just have to decide what shape.

Travis: Like a tube. C’mon, man!

Clint: Shh. You’re sleeping.

Griffin: [Giggling] You’re gonna turn him into a mantube!

[Laughing]

Griffin: You could just turn him into a bag, or a shelf, with the rock sitting on it!

Clint: It would pass a lot easier, if it were, like a spiral.

Justin: A fun spiral. I was thinking the same thing [Crosstalk]

Clint: Like a screw kinda coil kinda thing.

Justin: Like a fun spiral.

Travis: [high-pitched] Honk-shoo honk-shoo, please just do it, get it done. (Exaggerated snoring noise.)

[Loud Laughing]

Clint: Ok! That’s what I’ll go with. I’ll go with the spiral.

[Justin snorts]

Travis: Ooh-pu-pu-pu-pu! It falls out!

Griffin: Okay, hold on. I need to--’cause I-I imagine I’m not the only person having a hard time visualizing what literally just happened to Magnus’s human body.

Justin: I think Dad is saying that he changed the bottom half of his body from, uh, waist to toes, into a large, stone, fun, stone spiral!

Travis: Yeah! Like a waterslide.

Justin: Like a fun waterslide, the rock could just harmlessly slide down.

Clint: Y’know like those bubblegum machines? Y’know, when they go down the little paths and they [Makes whirring sounds]

Griffin: So you turned the bottom half-- just making sure I got this, ‘cause people are gonna draw fanart of this, and it’s gonna be fucked–-

Clint: I’ll turn it back.

Griffin: You turn the bottom of his body-you turn him into, like, springy, the spring sprite, and waited for the stone to just kinda tumble out of his butt tube that you’ve created.

All: Yup! [Assorted]

Travis: Sounds good!

[There’s a pause]

Griffin: Dungeons and Dragons is a great game.

[Laughs]

Travis: You don't get this shit in Chutes and Ladders, that’s for sure.

Griffin: You do actually-- you explicitly get this in Chutes and Ladders.

Clint: Actually true.

Justin: Yeah, yeah you do get that. Now, where we’re playing, I would say generously fast and loose with, uh, some of the 5e, we may have moved, we may have given everyone a sneak preview of the 6e.

Griffin: Sixth edition that’s mostly scat magic! Okay. Um, the Philosopher’s Stone comes tumbling out of Magnus’ supine form.

Clint: And P.U.! [Crosstalk]

Justin: Stinkaroony!

Griffin: --And like a child on a Marquee waterslide at Schlitterbahn. Uh, and tumbles and rolls across the floor. Uh, and-

Clint: And to make it even worse, we videoed the entire thing.

Griffin: Absolutely you did. Um, and uh, you kinda get a better chance to look at it now that you’re not also fighting a big ghost monster, and it just looks like a plain-looking rock, it’s light brown, it’s got smooth edges, it’s uh---

[Laughter]

Griffin: Gross, okay I just changed it, it is light grey, it’s got smooth edges--

Travis: It looks like a lil nugget of poop.

Griffin: No, it’s an-- it’s a pretty-- again, we’re teetering on the NC-17 rating. Uh, it is an innocuous-looking object, but you can’t help but feel a sense of unease. Just-- just being around the Philosopher’s Stone.

Clint: No kidding- no shit.

Travis: Am I still a sleeping slinky?

Griffin: Yeah, uh, can somebody please unslinky him, ‘cause it’s getting-- oh yeah, it’s goofy.

Clint: Oh yeah, um, Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho!

Griffin: Ok, he is back in human form, but still stoney I guess?

Justin: He still has stoneskin for the next hour, so it does limit his movement.

Griffin: Okay, um, so yeah, you get this sense of unease, being around the Philosopher's Stone. It’s giving off an energy, like y’know when you used to, like, lick a AA battery? And you’d feel like, uncomfortable? That’s what-that’s what it’s like. It’s giving off an uncomfortably energetic aura.



Griffin: Uh, Davenport’s actually just standing right there, and he says



Travis: Feel free to destroy my stone baby.

Griffin: Carey, actually, starts to walk towards the Philosopher’s Stone. And she seems like, out of it. Like, she just starts like, reaching out towards it, like with a hand outstretched, and starts walking towards it.

Justin: I use the handle of the Umbra Staff to knock it over to Davenport.

Griffin: Ok, you give it the old knuckle puck?

Justin: Yeah, the ol’ knuckle puck.

Griffin: Ok. As you knock it towards Davenport, he actually catches it, perfectly. And, Carey like, Carey, like, falls forward to her knees as she was about to jump on it, she falls forward and then shakes her head and then looks up at you guys, and is like:



Griffin: And everyone agrees that would’ve been super bad.

[Crosstalk]

Travis: Does everyone agree? Let’s go around the room.

Justin: A competent person with one of the artifacts? Yeah, that would’ve been bad.

Griffin: Davenport looks down at the Philosopher’s Stone, and his eyes seem to just sort of go, into a daze.



Griffin: He looks up at everyone, and goes:



Justin: Ah, beloved simpleton.

Griffin: And he uh, he tosses it into the uh, one of those big lead balls and shuts the hatch on it. And a couple of guards start to wheel it out of the room, back into the back room. And then a few seconds later you see it appear - the Director draws a curtain and you can see the window into the Cerebro chamber. And the guards lift the ball up into the central pillar of the chamber. And the Director taps her white oak staff on the ground and, uh, like you’ve seen three times now, these huge columns of light stab through the ball. As you do, you can faintly hear the encased screams of Joe Pesci, um, because that’s what--

Justin: Now what does that sound like, just from a sonic--

Griffin: Oh yeah, sure. Um.



Griffin: The pillars pierce the ball, the room goes dark. The guards come and fetch the lead ball, wheel it back into-- wheel it out of the cerebro chamber. A few seconds later they appear back into the main hall and they open up the ball and it has emptied out.

Travis: Cool.

Justin: So that’s four? So that’s the glove, the belt, the stone and what else, what’s the--

Griffin: The oculus. The lens from the train.

Clint: And the wardrobe.

Justin: Is that what-- the oculus is what--

Travis: Jenkins.

Justin: Jenkins had.

Griffin: That was the, uh-- that was the one you rescued from the train.



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: Davenport heads into the back room, and comes back out with six small burlap bags. Actually, they’re not pretty small. These bags are actually decent-- decent sized. They look like something that a burglar might bring out of a bank or something, ‘cause each one contains 2000 gold pieces and a token for the Fantasy Gachapon.



Travis: Freeze frame.



Justin: He said freeze frame, I mean he said it.

Travis: I said freeze frame, Griffin.

Clint: Freeze frame?



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: You walk back into her office through a door directly behind her chair in the main hall. You’ve - you’ve been in this office before, it’s the, uh - I can’t remember the last time you were in here. I don’t know if you guys do. You came in here once during one of the Lunar Interludes.

Travis: Oh yeah it’s when we wanted to tell her about Captain Captain Bane.

Griffin: Yes, that’s right. You are - so you’re back in this office, and there are three seats pulled up to her desk. She sits down at the seat behind her desk and invites you to sit with her. And she says:



Travis: When did we do that?



Travis: Now this is a legitimate Travis McElroy question - when did we do that?

Griffin: In the Cosmoscope, when the Red Robe thing appeared before you and you talked to it.

Travis: Oh cool. That seems like so long ago.

Griffin: If you’ll remember at the end of Petals to the Metal you talked with it and she said “next time you see that thing, just fucking run away, and don’t talk to it.”



Griffin: She uh, she reaches down under her desk and, uh, opens up a drawer -

Clint: Gun! Gun!

Griffin: [intense voice] And she pulls out a gun and just opens you fools up!

[Laughter]

Griffin: She pulls out a small glass orb and produces a small wand, and she touches the wand to the orb. And from the top of this orb these three-dimensional images, like these holograms sprout from the top of the ball. And they start to cycle through a series of shots of what look like destroyed towns of different sizes.

Clint: Uh oh…

Griffin: And she says:

[First half of “Madam Director” starts to play]



Griffin: And sure enough this - this - it looks vaguely Candyland-esque, this settlement. And she says:



Griffin: And then she taps on the orb again and a different village appears, and she says:



Griffin: And she taps it again and you just see an ocean. And she says:



Griffin: She taps it again, and you just see a sequence of black glass circles. And she says:



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: She, uh, she puts the orb and wand away, and kinda laughs to herself and says:



Griffin: She high fives you.

Travis: Yeah!



Griffin: She takes, uh, she takes her Stone of Farspeech out of her pocket and she’s like:



Justin: And I start twerking.

[Travis sings some twerk music]



Travis: Freeze frame!

Justin: But I’m still twerking.

Travis: Yeah. Everything’s frozen.

Justin: Like, yeah, like the end of Police Squad, I’m just twerking, except for everyone else freezes.

[Second half of "Madam Director" plays]

Griffin: I’m gonna do a little post credits epilogue. To the Crystal Kingdom.

Justin: Uh oh. Ok, should we listen? Or take our headsets-

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You’ve returned to your upgraded bedroom suite and started to unpack your adventure kits. You’re also cleaning up after the Candlenights party. Your bedroom is still kind of decorated with Candlenights regalia, there’s gift wrapping sort of strewn across the room, and some drinks and refreshments are left out.

People left this party in a hurry to kick off this mission. Through the glass window below you can see the dim lights of the Millers’ lab shine through a thick blanket of snow.

And as you’re unpacking and getting ready for bed, Taako, you hear a voice coming out of your bag. As you rustle around you find the source of it, and it’s the fuse that Lucas recovered from his mother’s conduit and handed to you all. And it’s unlit.

Travis: Are we all together, Griffin? Or is–

Griffin: Yeah, you’re all - you’re all together. And it’s -

Clint: We’re eating shawarma.

Griffin: And it’s - you’re having some Candlenights shawarma. It’s cold but it’s still good. And this lantern is unlit, there’s no spirit inside of it, it’s vacant, but you can feel some machinery inside of it faintly whirring. And you hear a voice inside of it, and the voice sounds kind of like Maureen’s voice? But like totally lifeless, and for lack of a better term, inanimate. And you hear this voice deliver what sounds like kind of a grim prophecy. And this lantern says:


 * I saw all of existence, all at once. I saw a dark storm, a living hunger, eating it from within. But I saw a brilliant light heralded by seven birds flying tirelessly from the storm. I saw seven birds:


 * The Twins


 * The Lover


 * The Protector


 * The Lonely Journal Keeper


 * The Peacemaker


 * And The Wordless One

Griffin: And then it repeats that list again:


 * The Twins


 * The Lover


 * The Protector


 * The Lonely Journal Keeper


 * The Peacemaker


 * And The Wordless One

Griffin: And it actually repeats it several more times before the machinery inside of it dies down, and it is silenced.

Travis: That’s the worst Candlenights carol I’ve ever heard.

[Outro Music]