Ep. 37: The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Nine/Transcript

Episode 37 - Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Nine (part of TAZscripts on Tumblr)

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...



[laughter]

Justin: And I cast Magic Missile at him.



Griffin: And you don't see Jenkins anymore, he is gone, he has been deposited out of the back of the train. You hear him go,



Griffin: And it is Maarvey, the only surviving member of the Hammerhead gang. You bring the ax down on him. He spins a full 360 degrees --

Travis: Is he dead?

Griffin: And then he falls to the ground dead.

Griffin: Through that window you can see what appears to be a pretty large, glass, cylindrical fuse which illuminates whenever this thing talks.



Travis: I might have just figured out what those fuses are for.

Griffin: You see three shapes appear. One is sort of massively built, kind of gorilla-like; another is much more slender, with what looks like a cannon for an arm; another one is very short and has what appears to be a bunch of wires sticking out of it.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

Griffin: I think we should kick things off with a little bit of initiative. I think we should take initiative in this new podcast episode we're recording.

Travis: I'm excited, this is my first time rolling my new dice.

Griffin: What are they, whalebone?

Travis: No, I got a beautiful translucent green emerald kind of thing. [rolls]

Justin: Aw, now they got stank on them!

Griffin: You got that elephant dick bone...carved--

Travis: And I rolled... a 15! Good start!

Griffin: Good work, dice!

Clint: I rolled a 15, but I roll another one.

Travis: That's 17 total for me.

Clint: Oh. Right. I rolled a 15, plus... nothing.

Justin: It's 12 for cha'boy.

Clint: Huh?

Justin: 12... for cha'boy.

Griffin: Cha'boy gets 12... I just wrote 12. That's not your name, your name's Taako.

Justin: Yeah. Who- All right, okay.

Griffin: How are you guys doing, while I roll four different initiatives?

Travis: Good, good.

Justin: I think you can just round up, in the rules, the official rules, you just round-- average them, right?

Griffin: Yeah, sure, why not. So first in the order... well, before we do anything, these robots are just kind of cackling maniacally at you?

Travis: Mmhm. I cackle right back! A backle! Hahahahahaha!

Griffin: Now you're having a cackle battle?

Travis: A cack-off.

Griffin: The one with a cannon for an arm says,



Clint: Break!



Griffin: He reaches, well, he can't reach into his pocket.



Clint: Oooh. Awkward.



[all snickering]



[music starts]

Griffin: Jenkins says, uh,



Griffin: Jenkins actually goes first.

Travis: He beat a 17?! Horse apples.

Griffin: Yeah, Jenkins kicked ass. Jenkins is this little robot, kind of spherical... he kind of looks like a Fry Guy a little bit, except that he has all these individually moving, waving wires. And then his fuse is sort of embedded in the middle of it, and you can see it behind a little circular window. His fuse starts to glow really brightly and some sparks start to shoot off of all those different wires that are poking out of his spherical body, and this weird wave and kind of like a, a supersonic sound comes out of him, and I'm gonna need all of you to roll a Wisdom saving throw.

Travis: Uh, Griffin, real quick before I do that. Would the Shield of Memories... (Griffin: Yeah.) does this count as robots, which I have told the shield about before?

Griffin: Yeah, this would count as robots.

Justin: 3 for me.

Griffin: Oh my Jesus, Justin!

Justin: Yeah, not good.

Clint: 23 for me.

Travis: 12 for me.

Griffin: Holy shit. Okay, uh... the good news--

Travis: 12 is good, it's in the top 50%!

Griffin: Yeah. The good news is that Merle and Carey cleared their saving rolls. The spell didn't seem to have any effect on Noelle at all. The bad news is that Taako and Magnus, you have been Confused.

Travis: Well, what else is new?

Griffin: This is a fun spell and we're gonna resolve it when we get to your turns. In fact, let's go ahead and get to the resolution right now, because Magnus, you're up next. Before you do anything, my friend, I need you to roll 1d10.

Travis: That's a 10.

Griffin: Oh shit, okay, you can act and move normally.

Travis: Yeah! What was the deal? What was that trying to do?

Griffin: Well, let's not ruin it. Let's not ruin the surprise.

Travis: I'm going to charge the gorilla one. (Griffin: Okay.) And I'm gonna try to axe into that panel in the front with the fuse in it. So yeah, I guess I'll just like two-handed Railsplitter that shit.

[dice]

Travis: That is not good. That was a critical miss.

Griffin: Yeah, you bring your axe down, you sort of do a horizontal hard chop, and that glass is made of way way way way sturdier stuff than you thought. It's basically like the shit that they put in those big tanks in aquariums. And you don't even leave a scuff mark on that shit.

Travis: Okay well, time to try again with my second attack... [dice] That's a lot better, that's a 19 plus 7, 26.

Griffin: That's a mis-- no, just kidding, that's a hit. [Travis: Son of a bitch.] Yeah, go ahead and roll damage.

Travis: I'm also going to use Goading Attack: when attack lands, dice plus damage equals Wisdom saving throw. On fail, target has Disadvantage on attack not against you.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Well, yeah, I'll do the damage first so... 1d10 plus 6... That's another ten. So 16 damage, and then it would have to be a 22 Wisdom saving throw.

Griffin: Well that's-- that simply won't happen. He's-- I mean, Maarvey was not a smart man to begin with, and now he's inhabiting a giant gorilla robot body... [dice] Yeah, no. I, I do not save... [trails off indistinct] Travis: Okay, so 16 damage, and then Disadvantage on any attack not against me.

Griffin: Okay, I'm gonna actually demand that you say something to goad him while you hit him.



[laughter]

Justin: Travis, you're fighting Paul Blart, Mall Cop...right now.

Travis: Did I do any specific damage to the glass panel?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you left a big crack in it. You didn't get all the way into it, and there doesn't seem to be any kind of like-- soul juice leaking out of it, but you did crack it.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: Next in the order is Maarvey, who says,



Griffin: He rears back one of his giant fists, this fist is like the size of your torso-- his frame like I said is like heavily armored, very tank-like, he's got these two sort of small bent legs that-- is not really holding up his frame as much as his two arms with these two giant fists at the end of them, is. And he doesn't seem to have any kind of like, discernable head. His fuse is just right in the middle of his body, and it is now cracked. But anyway he rears back one of these gigant-- ginormo fists- [crosstalk]

Travis: I duck.

Travis: Weren't expecting that, were you?

Griffin: He hits you for... he rolls a 24?

Travis: That does hit.

[dice]

Griffin: He hits you for 18 points of damage [Travis: That’s alright.] and he sends you flying backwards, make a Dexterity saving throw for me.

[dice]

Travis: That's a critical miss. So far not great, new dice!

Griffin: You land on your back and you slide a ways, so you are prone.

Travis: Gotcha.

Griffin: Next in the order is Merle.

Clint: Alright, this is the new Merle. This is the new, competent--

Griffin: Oh boy, I'm very excited for this new Merle.

Clint: ––Well-read, confident, Merle. I will be throwing spells around like a dog shakin' off puddle water.

Griffin: Is this your press conference--? "Hello, everybody--"

Clint: This is the new-- Ladies and gentlemen, this is the new Merle… Highchurch. He casts Dispel Magic on his friend Taako to try to get rid of this Confusion that he has. And with Dispel Magic, you choose one creature, he is a creature, so he -- chooses him--

Griffin: I doubt that's how he prefers to be referred to, is as a creature-- unless that was his nickname in college.

Clint: It's him, it's Taako. Any spell of 3rd level or lower on the target ends.

Travis: Period!

Clint: So. That's been cast! Period!

Griffin: Um, I really am... I wanna tell you something, Dad. I'm so--

Clint: You're liking this?

Griffin: I like it, I'm so proud of you, you're learning how to play the game of Dungeons & Dragons, which is good because we've been doing it for a little over a year and a half now.

Clint: Yes, sir!

Griffin: Confusion is a fourth-level enchantment.

Clint: Well, I'm casting this in my sixth-level slot.

Griffin: You don't-- You definitely, definitely don't have that.

Justin: For sure, defo defo for sure.

Clint: Well then I-- I'm casting it as a fourth-level slot! BECAUSE! For each spell of fourth level or higher on the target, make an ability check using your spellcasting ability! …Ha ha ha ha!

Griffin: [laughing] What is wrong with you?!

Clint: I'm confident!

Travis: He's so overjoyed that he almost knows what he's talking about!

Clint: On a successful check, the spell ends. So! Consider the spell ended.

Travis: Did you roll?

Griffin: Did you roll, did you do any of the shit?

Clint: I'm getting ready to do... [crosstalk]

Justin: Yeah, that wasn't Dad misunderstanding, that was him being braggadocious. "Consider it ended!"

Clint: I'm preparing to do the shit.

Justin: Here comes the shit, everybody.

Clint: What am I rolling?

Justin: Exactly. [indistinct, snorts]

Griffin: A d20.

Clint: Shut up, Justin. A d20. And it's a 3.

Justin: 3 on that one.

Clint: And then I add my spell modifier... which I believe is a five.

Griffin: Six.

Clint: So it's a 9.

Griffin: You did not... you didn't end shit, you didn't dispel shit from shit.

Clint: I-- how about a little, can I take the edge off of it, maybe? Maybe he's a little less confused, maybe?

Griffin: No. He's still very-- he's still like, really super duper duper confused.

Travis: If anything, he's more confused because he just saw you waggle your fingers at him a bunch, and nothing happened. [Justin and Clint laugh]

Griffin: And literally nothing happened.

Justin: Highly confusing.



Griffin: We do need to resolve the fact that Taako, when you were Confused, the spell you were channeling to summon Garyl ended, and he vanished underneath Magnus. Which would've been hilarious if we had thought of it at the time. But--

Clint: Give him an exit line! Let Garyl at least have an exit line.

Justin: Sure. Hold on, let me come up with something... okay, got it. Everybody ready?

All: Yeah.



Griffin: All right. Good, I like it, simple, straight to the point. Better luck next time, Merle.

Clint: Yeah, right.

Griffin: Next in the order--

Travis: Hey, I'm sorry that Griffin was so mean to you, Dad. I was proud of you, you came out. You had a plan ready to go-- [crosstalk]

Griffin: No, I was proud of you too! I really wanted that to work out for you.

Clint: We need to reward our initiatives. That's okay.

Griffin: Next in the order is Carey. Carey reaches into her pocket and pulls out what looks like a little white pebble that she throws upwards into the air, and it starts emitting this flashing light, and it kind of like hangs in the air emitting this strobe light. And your eyes are kind of like naturally drawn to it, and so are your robotic opponents.

And when your eyes kind of adjust as this thing stops blinking and these robots are still kind of looking up at it, you see Carey almost like hanging in midair with her arms outstretched with two daggers, one dagger in each hand, which she brings down in a cross-chop on Maarvey's back. And [dice] (Clint: Wow.) --very successfully performs a sneak attack on Maarvey for, [dice] Jesus, [more dice] for 28 points of damage.

Travis: What?!

Griffin: She buries her two blades in his back.

Travis: [sighs] Should've been a rogue.

Griffin: You see a shower of sparks shoot out of these two wounds, giving him almost-- spark wings, and she does a backflip off of his back and lands behind him.

Clint: By the way, if I may say, good move adding characters who are proficient at combat to our group.

[crosstalk]

Travis: Hey, suck a nut! [group laughter] I don't know if you remember, one time I kicked somebody out of a train!

Clint: Yeah. Doesn't feel good, does it, Griff-Travis?

Travis: No, but see, I'm actually good at this!

Griffin: Next in the order is Taako.

Justin: Do I need to start off rolling a d10?

Griffin: Yes, you do.

Justin: 8.

Griffin: Okay, with an 8, you are going to use your action to make a melee attack against a randomly determined creature within its reach. If there's no creature within its reach, the creature does nothing this turn.

Justin: Cool.

Griffin: So within your reach, let me think. Magnus just rushed up... I think it would only be Merle, is the only thing that would be nearby you. 'Cause Carey just flipped behind the thing and Magnus ran up there. So go ahead and make a melee attack on Merle.

Justin: [laughs] Yeah, I've been waiting for this! [dice] Uh, what we got there is a--

[riotous laughter]

Clint: Why am I laughing?

Justin: It's a 19, plus 4!

Clint: Jiminy...!

Griffin: That's a good-- hey, that's a solid hit. So were you--

Clint: No! It's... [grumbles]

Griffin: Were you just bashing him with the Umbra Staff? Do you have like a dagger? Or what were you doing?

Justin: I have a short sword. I was using my short sword.

Griffin: Oh, fuck yeah.

Justin: Although, if I was confused, would I pull that out?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. Yeah yeah.

Travis: Now, he's not within--

[crosstalk]

Travis: Merle's not within five feet of me, is he?

Griffin: No, no no.

Travis: Okay.



Clint: No, that would be too nice. All right!

Griffin: Go ahead and roll damage on that.

Justin: Well, here's the good news. His misfortune ends here. That's gonna be 5+2, so 7 points of damage.

Travis: Well yeah, melee, not– not Taako's strong suit.

All: Yeah.

Griffin: Merle, I imagine you'd be very confused and upset by this?

Clint: [glum] No, I'm used to it.

Travis: [big laugh] "I deserve this."

Griffin: You're saying, Taako just like freaking out in combat and attacking you elicits no response except for "Meh..." Just sort of a begrudging sort of acceptance?

Clint: Well, yeah, I knew he was--

Justin: It makes sense that-- he assumes it's my retribution for him not successfully removing my Confusion.

Clint: Yeah, I knew he was Confused.

Griffin: That's quite the heel turn there, Taako!

[crosstalk]

Justin: I mean he... It is fair to say he did know I was confused somehow, so I mean, he would just chalk it up to confusion and not me personally.

Griffin: That is fair. Next in the order is Magic Brian, who says:



Griffin: And he casts Fireball. Uh, a twenty-foot radius sphere. So he's gonna kinda point it at the ground in between all three of you. So all of you need to make a dexterity saving throw, and I'm gonna say Magnus, you're gonna have disadvantage on this since you are prone.

Travis: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Griffin. Good DMing. [dice] Okay, okay, well, that's another critical miss!

Griffin: Holy shit.

Justin: Man, stink dice!

Travis: New dice, you are shitting the bed!

Clint: Can you burn dice?

Travis: You can, Father. I'm about to switch over to the ol' greenie.

Clint: I rolled 11.

Justin: Yeah, I got a 22.

Griffin: Okay, fuckin' flip wizard Magoo over there-- [crosstalk]

Justin: I actually rolled a 19, which I felt pretty good about.

Griffin: -- expertly leaps into the air and avoids a fireball that consumes-- [mutters] oh, I need to roll for Carey--

Travis: All of our fears!

Griffin: [still muttering] Oh, well, Carey was behind them, so no, Carey wouldn’t... [indistinct]

Justin: All of our- It consumes our doubts and we're left feeling braver and more confident.

Travis: Everything's good now.

Justin: Things are gonna work out okay.

Griffin: There's a lot of dice on Fireball. I know I've heard you roll them before, Justin, but that's a lot of dice on Fireball.

Justin: Yeah, a lot of dice.

Griffin: Oh my god. Oh my god. 24 points of damage.

Travis: Oh, Snapple!

Justin: Makes my short sword seem like a stiff breeze, doesn't it?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you are--

Travis: 24, you said?

Clint: On each one of us?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Not me.

Travis: Well, I'm bloodied. But just barely.

Griffin: So Magic Brian literally like lifts up his cannon arm and grabs his wrist and fuckin' cocks it, and then fires this gigantic burst of flame at the three of you. Taako, you dodge out of the way, and Magic Brian seems very impressed by that, but yeah, Magnus, you particularly just catch this one real bad. You're lying on the ground like a starter log.

Travis: Griffin, I have to know-- did it singe my sideburns?

Griffin: No, it didn't, however, [relieved noises from Travis] --this'll be fun-- Merle, your hand is a little bit on fire.

Clint: Yeah, that's fun! That is fu-u-un!

Travis: Well, remember you got that wood hand? You got that wood hand.

Griffin: You got that wood hand, and that's just like, that makes sense to me. That feels right in my DM belly. [crosstalk]

Clint: Green wood doesn't burn, it's sappy.

Griffin: Um…

Clint: Alright, fine. [blows at flaming arm]

Griffin: You can blow on it on your turn. Or maybe Jenkins will blow on it, because it's Jenkins' turn. Jenkins looks at how bad off Maarvey is and casts Stoneskin. Let me tell you what Stoneskin does, because I know you're wondering. It's like a-- so let me explain.

In this game, clerics can cast buffs on the other members of their party, to like, make 'em more survivable, and keep 'em from getting hurt and taking damage or making them more-- it's like a really good thing that clerics can do. This is the first time you're learning this information.

Justin: He's not reacting at all.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: He's acting like you're not even talking about clerics.

Griffin: The spell turns the flesh of a willing creature you touch-- [crosstalk]

Justin: I don't think he's paying attention.

Griffin: --as hard as stone. Until the spell ends, the target has resistance to non-magical bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage. So, all physical attacks, Maarvey has resistance to. Next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Where am I in relation to Magic Brian?

Griffin: So you got knocked backwards quite a ways, you're about maybe... [tongue clicking noises] 20 feet away from the three robots. [pronounced ‘robits’]

Travis: Okay. So I'm going to stand up, then I'm gonna Action Surge, and I'm gonna charge Magic Brian so I'm right up on him.

Griffin: Ooooh okay, go for it.

Travis: And then with my attack, I'm going to pry his arm off.

Griffin: Oh, this old fuckin' chestnut!

Travis: Well, I just got blasted by his Mega Man arm, and I wanna take his arm... off.

Griffin: So... I'm not gonna let you do that with an attack. If you want, as an action, to try and pull his arm off, but for you to be able to deal damage and --

Travis: No, okay, that's fair. We'll make it, this is my standard action then, instead of an attack. I'm gonna use my crowbar (Griffin: Oh my god.) to pry his arm off.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, I'll give you, it's gonna be a pretty high check, but I'll give you advantage since you have the crowbar thing.

Travis: Well that's a 19 plus my strength is a 26.

Griffin: Uh... POP!



Travis: And then my second attack, (Magic Brian: Uh oh!) I'm gonna hit him with his own fucking arm.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Can you shoot him with his own fucking arm?

Travis: Ooh! Can I, Griffin?

Griffin: Uhhh, yeah...

Clint: Pleeeeeeease? Pleeeeeeease?

Griffin: Yeah, you, uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna say, he just channeled Fireball through that arm, and I don't think you're gonna be able to cast another Fireball out of it, but there is definitely like, this arm is still hot to the touch, and there seems to be like-- you know how like when people use a flamethrower, and when they use it, there's still that little spout of flame that comes out after they're done? Done blasting off--?

Travis: Yeah, I shove that into the glass in his chest.

Griffin: I just went to-- Okay, that's very cool. I just went to Wrestlemania and the Rock had an entrance that lasted about twenty-five minutes and it involved him using a flamethrower to set his own name on fire. That's how I know so much about fireball physics.

Travis: Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna put that gout of flame into his chest.

Griffin: All right, you aim it right into his fuse.

Travis: That's another 19.

Griffin: That's good, because I think that was technically a spellcasting check. Um, you cast... what do you cast? What's Faerie Fire? That doesn't seem like a thing that you... yeah, that's like a beautiful light made of fairy magic. Yeah, go ahead and roll, uh, 3d10. We'll say this is a very powerful use of the spell Firebolt.

Travis: 6. 1. 10. 17 points of damage.

Griffin: Okay, yeah. You put this thing right up against the fuse in the middle of Magic Brian's chest, you fuckin' cock it and uh, release all of the leftover fire magic in his arm and you just blast the thing in the middle of his chest, and it does a ton of damage to him, and his-- that glass fuse kind of shatters, and the white sort of floating light that was inside of it pops out, and is now floating in between the two other robots. And you hear him go:



Griffin: And then he, this white ball flies into the same fuse that Maarvey is inside, in the little wiry ball. You hear Maarvey go--

Travis: No, wait. I thought Jenkins was in the wiry one.

Griffin: Oh, yes. Shit. You hear Jenkins say:



Travis: Are they doing kind of like that dance, like when in cartoons like a squirrel goes into somebody's clothes? That's what I want to picture.

Griffin: And then the squirrel says, "We're nuts to butts!" And it's like a funny joke because squirrels and nuts and all that.

Travis: "But no buts to nuts! I'm hungry!"

Griffin: Next in the order is Maarvey. Do I have to roll to save against your shit? Against your Goading Strike?

Travis: No, you’re just– it just is that, from now on.

Griffin: Forever?!

Travis: I mean, until the battle's over.

Griffin: That can't be right. Whatever. He's going to attack you anyway because you murdered him in real life. He is going to charge at you and do like kind of a Thunderclap with your body in the middle of it.

Travis: [checking the rules] Oh, sorry, until the end of your next turn.

Griffin: Okay, well, that's still this turn, right? (Travis: Yeah.) Okay. He rolled a 19 versus AC?

Travis: Well, that's a tie...

Griffin: Tie goes to the runner.

Travis: What was the attack? What kind of attack was it?

Griffin: Uh, hurting? Hurting gorilla slaps.

Travis: Well, okay, but it's just like... he's punching me.

Griffin: He's doing a Thunderclap, it would be bludgeoning damage. [dice roll] 15 points of damage.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: SHE-CLACK! [sound effect]



Griffin: Yeah, he hits you real real hard. You feel a little bit woozy after that one. And next in the order is...

Travis: Oh, wait wait wait! I'm gonna use my superiority dice to do Parry: when hit, use superiority dice to reduce damage by d8 plus my Dexterity.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [dice] 5... plus 2, so reduce it by 7, so I only take--

Griffin: 8 points of damage. Next in the order is Merle.

Clint: I'm going to cast Prayer of Healing. Up to six creatures of my choice that I can see within range each regain hit points equal to 2d8 plus my spellcasting modifier, and since I'm using my last number 4 spell slot, if you're using a spell slot of third level or higher, the healing increases by 1d8 for each slot level above 2nd.

Travis: Excellent.

Griffin: Okay, so an extra 2d8 on top of the normal base amount.

Clint: And the 6. So I'm rolling the d8, it is a 6, so 4 times 6 is--

Griffin: No, you gotta roll all 4.

Clint: Justin, will you keep count?

Justin: I will.

[Dice rolling and calling out numbers.]

Clint: ...That means, 23, and that means each one of my compatriots and myself get 23 points of healing.

Travis: I am no longer bloodied!

Griffin: I'm sure they appreciate that. Um, okay--

Clint: Well I was down to 3, so...

Griffin: Holy shit! Okay. Next in the order is Carey, who does a little--



Clint: I-I do that.

Griffin: Are you moving towards the robots or away from the robots?



Clint: I'm moving away from Taako and I'm moving towards Magnus and I'm kind of, I'm kinda hiding behind him a little bit. I'm cowering.



Griffin: Boy, I love this teamwork and this strategy. Okay. Carey does a little gymnastic roll to end up right behind the now-conjoined Jenkins-Brian bot, and she is going to grab a big fistful of those wires and just kind of drag a knife across 'em to give 'em a little-- give 'em a little rude haircut.

Travis: That's my favorite Edgar Allen Poe story.

Clint: [low ominous tone] The Rude Haircut.

Griffin: That is a hit...

Travis: For those of you keeping score at home, Griffin's right now fighting himself.

Griffin: That is true.

Travis: And he's doing a great job.

Griffin: She hits them for 15 points of damage, and you hear both Magic Brian and Jenkins yell at the same time:



Griffin: And I'll, maybe I'll edit that to make it so that they both happened at the same time. Or I can use my, like, I've been studying Malaysian throat singing. It's this cool new technique. All the kids are talking about it.

Travis: I don't think it's Malaysian...

Griffin: They do it in Malaysia all the time. Coldplay learned it when they were over there. Studying.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Next in the order is... Taak-o. Oh, I'm sorry, Taak-o, Taak-o, Taak-o, Taak-o, we should've resolved this last time.

Clint: C'mon, do it buddy!

Griffin: You've gotta roll a Wisdom saving throw. You can save out of this. If you– if you do good!

Justin: [dice] That is a 16 plus...

Griffin: Yeah, you saved.

Justin: Oh, thank god!



Griffin: And you see a little toaster attachment pop out of that robot, and two pieces of bread pop out of him.

Justin: So the two robots that are left, how close are they to each other?

Griffin: They are very very close. These three were standing, like, shoulder to shoulder--

Travis: Like emotionally?

Griffin: Well, right now, Jenkins and Magic Brian are like, super uncomfortably close.

Justin: Yeah, I reach into my bag... I reach into my bag, and uh– I pull out a single glass sphere.

Griffin: Okay... Ooh. I’m gettin’... Ooh, I got goosebumps.

[Clint laughing]

Justin: I said, uh...

Travis: Inside is the memory of the goblin king.

Justin: You're not too far off! And I say,



Justin: Then I throw the glass sphere at them. It shatters, and they float into the air.

Griffin: Oh, shit!

Justin: There's no longer gravity around them. They don't have gravity.



Griffin: Okay, this is especially effective on the gorilla robot, because like I said, he was sort of, all of his center of gravity was based up on his fists, and now that he does not- no longer have that, he is like kicking and flailing like a little baby up there.

Travis: Oh, I am scrunchin' for some punchin'.

Griffin: The circular wire bot, you see those wires sort of extend and expand and retract, trying to find purchase on this conveyor belt, but it is not doing an especially great job of steadying itself.



Justin: Yeah. And I scurry back behind, I run away, and hide behind Merle, behind Magnus.

[Travis laughs]

[Incidental music, Robot Rematch]

Griffin: You guys-- can I just say something, you guys are adorable right now.

[Commercial break]

[Incidental music]

{37:01-43:25}

Griffin: All right, next in the order is Magic Brian.



Griffin: You hear Jenkins like-



Griffin: He casts Haste. The target's speed is doubled, it gains a +2 bonus to AC, it has Advantage on dexterity saving throws and it gains an additional action on each of its turns-- [crosstalk]

Travis: What the fuck! Can you do that, Merle?! Where have you been?!

Clint: ...No?

Griffin: The components for this--

Travis: I've been begging for extra AC!

Clint: I don't have the components!

Griffin: The components for this, this is fun, it's a shaving of licorice root. So I just imagine you like, pop in a lil’, a little Cracker Barrel candy into there.

Travis: The components have been in you all along.

Griffin: And then you cast the best buff ever. When the spell ends, the target can't move or take actions until after its next turn as a wave of lethargy sweeps over it.

Travis: Well, that's kind of a downer, I guess.

Griffin: But it lasts for a minute, which is ten rounds of combat. Next in the order is Magnus. Oh no, I'm sorry, it's Jenkins. Jenkins still has control.

Travis: Wait, hold on--

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: But it's one creature!

Griffin: [sings] Two minds, one body! One heart, two hearts, two souls, one body! One robot, two loves! One love! Jah! Jenkins says,



Griffin: And his 28 wires all point at you, Magnus, and they spark up, and he casts Dominate Person as he--

Travis: Yyyyeah, spark up!

Griffin: --as he rolls up a fuckin' fat 420 blunt.

[laughter]

Griffin: He's tryin' to dominate your person, let's go ahead and make that wisdom saving throw that you've been looking forward to this whole time.

Travis: That is a twenty.

Clint: Welcome back, Travis!

Griffin: You actually have advantage on that roll since you're actively in a fight with this thing, but you cleared the save, so-- Spoiler alert, they added that caveat because Dominate Person is bad, bad stuff. It's your turn now, Mag.

Travis: Remind me, what's the Stoneskin?

Griffin: Stoneskin is, they have resistance to melee damage. In addition to that he also has Haste, so he has +2 to AC, advantage on Dex saving throws and an extra action on his turn.

Travis: Great great great. Great great great great great. I am-- I'm gonna grab those 28 wires.. and I'm gonna swing the Jenkins bot into the Maarvey bot.

Griffin: Okay, this is... you're just like going through, making sure you find the fuckin' Jenkins-wires--? And like you're threatening--?

Travis: Well you said they were pointed at me.

Griffin: Yeah, all right, that's fair. They're pointing at you from this floating wiry body.

Travis: I'm picturing like a Fry Kid, is that the right--?

Griffin: Yes, well, they're called Fry Guys, not Fry Kids, that would be crazy.

Travis: Well they have Fry Kids! Do you think they're just born fully formed Fry Guys?

Griffin: Well, how-- do they reproduce asexually? Do the men... carry the children...? [crosstalk]

Travis: I've never asked.

Griffin: --Like seahorses?

Travis: I don't know, Griffin. What do I need to roll? I rolled a 15 plus 7, 22.

Griffin: This should be a throwing attack, and you're just, I guess the point is, what are you trying to accomplish here? Are you just trying to make these two big robots hit each other?

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: Okay. This is very Power Rangers, I'm very much into it. Make a--

Travis: Yeah! I wanna smash 'em together!

Griffin: What did you roll?

Travis: The attack was a 15 + 7 because that's my combat- my attack bonus, so 22.

Griffin: Okay, that ties with the buff, with the big guys, so you'll do damage to both of them. Just roll one d10 plus your modifier.

Travis: I rolled an 8, let's say that my damage modifier is a +4.

Griffin: Okay, you throw the wiry bot that held Jenkins and Magic Brian into the big ol' gorilla bot that held Maarvey, and as they collide, the wire bot takes all that damage. The Maarvey-bot does not because it has the Stoneskin, it takes half that damage.

And you see the fuse inside of the little wiry bot shatter and explode, and two balls of light fly out of it, and fly into the big gorilla-bot. So now all thr-- you see these three fuses-- you see these three lights inside of the fuse of the big gorilla Maarvey bot and you can't really distinguish between them anymore, it's just like glowing very very very brightly, and you hear just sort of the three of them fighting amongst themselves.

Justin: Are we in sort of a confined area?

Griffin: Yeah. Why?

Justin: Okay. I would argue, wouldn't the gorilla bot take another hit, colliding with the wall?

Griffin: The Jenkins bot, robot is like… pretty li’l, it's about shoebox size, so I don't think it would have enough force. It was the tiniest of the three robots so I don't think it would have enough force to, like, do that kind of wrecking-ball damage to him. But sort of the force of it hitting it did enough, but not enough to move it backwards-- so now all--

Travis: But the good news is, I get a second attack, (Griffin: Yeah, and now all--) --and I'm gonna punch the shit out of that gorilla bot.

Griffin: M’kay. You're just gonna punch it?

Travis: I'm gonna Phantom Fist the fuck out of it.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay.

Travis: That is a... 14+7, 21, does that hit?

Griffin: It does not. No, it doesn't hit his Stoneskin AC.

Travis: Would you say it still pushed it, though, because it is floating.

Griffin: Yeah, you push it a little bit, but not enough to like kill it.

Travis: Well, bummer. All right.

Griffin: Maarvey is going to take a swipe at you, Magnus. He's floating--

Travis: I duck.

Griffin: Okay. Wow, that was easy. No, he is going to have disadvantage because he doesn’t– he can't like, put his feet on the ground and turn into it. [dice] That would be a hit... [dice] that probably isn't... 16?

Travis: Nope!

Griffin: Nope, all right, yeah, you block his blow with a shield.

Travis: Riposte! If attack missed, attack plus the superiority die.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That is a-- [mutters]16, plus 7- 23?

Griffin: Yes, that is a hit.

Travis: Excellent, and then, it's just a standard melee attack, so we'll say, one-handed Railsplitter... [dice] [mutters numbers, leading to:] so 10 points of damage.

Griffin: Okay, it does not do very much, again, because of his Stoneskin, but it is enough to make Maarvey-bot give up the ghost, quite literally, as the fuse in his chest explodes and the three ghosts come flying out of him. And Magic Brian says,



Griffin: And Jenkins says,



Travis: Oh yeah, they can do that.

Griffin: And Carey shouts at you, Merle, but like, whispered--



Griffin: Okay, they get to roll a Wisdom saving throw. Maarvey-- rolled a critical miss-- and evaporates. Jenkins rolled a 7 and evaporates. And Magic Brian-- holy shit-- Magic Brian also does not clear it, Jesus, the three of them just kind of turn into beautiful particles, the white light just sort of starts to fade away.

Clint: What? Wait a minute! [hyperventilating] What?

Griffin: You, uh, yeah--

Travis: You were successful. You did it.

Clint: What?

Griffin: You shout a command word from the divine Extreme Teen Bible of Pan, and that command word was...?



Griffin: All right. And Magic Brian says,



Griffin: And they start to disintegrate and Jenkins says,



[Travis laughs.]

Travis: Hey Griffin, when you say they evaporate, do they go back to like heaven or hell or the after-plane or whatever, or are they gone?

Griffin: Kind of seems like you just obliterated their soul. Kind of seems like you just kind of erased 'em.

Travis: Man, you know, at the end of the day, I punch people, but Dad unmakes their existence! Who's the real monster?!

[Clint wheeze-laughs.]

Justin: Well, I guess Griffin 'cause he told Dad to do it.

Travis: That's fair. Griffin's a monster-maker.

Clint: You've taught me a lesson, I've learned the lesson.

Travis: He taught you to kill!

Clint: No, to obliterate.

Justin: To obliterate, yeah.

Travis: Dad unmade an existence. Three! [crosstalk]

Justin: So what's up with [crosstalk] --They got any gold?

Travis: What's the loot? What's the fat loot? Do we need to roll Need?

Justin: Check the loot table.

Travis: I roll Need.

Justin: See if their very existence left behind any gold.

Travis: Maybe some kind of like, power from like, unmaking a human.

Griffin: You strip some copper wire out of the wiry robot, and you think you can sell that for some fuckin' meth money, baby. You do have Magic Brian's blaster arm, still. Which-- it seems dormant now, but you can still feel a bit of magical energy still coursing through it.

Travis: I hand it to Taako. I don't have any use for this magic shit.



Clint: I could use a spare arm.

Travis: You earn that spare arm and you'll get it!

Clint: Uh, I'm the guy that just obliterated three dudes?

Justin: You're not-- you're not Mr. Potatohead, you can't just swap your arms out interchangeably...

Travis: No, not till you reach level 8.

Griffin: He is level 8!

Travis: Oh!

Griffin: Let's have a fucking arm party!

Travis: I went to an arm party once, trust me, you don't... you don't wanna...

Griffin: You take your arm off, you throw it in a bowl… [trails off, muttering]

Clint: Can we celebrate my victory?

[victory music]

Travis: No!

Clint: Why??

Justin: Griffin, can you do the-- tell Dad he solved your whatever puzzle?

Griffin: Yeah, you solved your-- you solved my 'doing a thing that you learned to do at your class level 2' puzzle.

Clint: Yes!

Griffin: You solved my 'thing you've been able to do for literally over a year now' puzzle.

Clint: And I did it by completely obliterating three of the most beloved NPCs we've ever had on the show! [laughs]

Griffin: Hey, maybe they'll come back, there's always a possib-- no, they're done.

Clint: No. They're gone.

Travis: Let's move forward down the pipe where we were going on the conveyor belt.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you--

Justin: When we got stopped by these nerds.

Griffin: Yeah… [stammers]

Travis: Also, Carey's been really quiet, could Carey say something like, great job, guys!

[crosstalk]

Clint: Yeah, is she kind of stunned by my obliterations?

Griffin: Yeah, she's actually pretty blown away, she's like,



Griffin: Noelle, actually, is being extremely quiet. Noelle hasn't actually said anything this whole time since the three ghost robots showed up. And she is just kinda floating sullenly [Travis: Oh, wait a minute…] away from you down the tunnel with her flashlight on.



Griffin: She says, um... [trails off]



[crosstalk as the characters react]



Griffin: She actually starts laughing.

Travis: Oh good.

[Hogsbottom fades out]

Griffin: She's like, [laughs awkwardly]



[crosstalk as the characters react with relief, "Yeah, you're good," "They're okay then," etc.]



Griffin: The fuse pops out of her chest. Pops out of the bot. And it seems to be floating in midair, not like smoothly-- it's almost like the spirit inside it is pushing up on it, like, imagine a bird sort of like moving its birdcage just by flying really hard into the top of it. This is like an extreme amount of effort that this soul is using to push its fuse upward into the air. And you see it move its way over into the pile of parts that you left on the floor that were the robots whose asses you just kicked. And she floats into the big gorilla suit's body

Clint: Oh, yeah.

Griffin: and you see that mech, you see that robot stand up and pick up the wires and sort of tie it around its back and you see it pick up one of the arms left over from Magic Brian's robot, and strap that onto itself, and take some of the plating off that one, and take some of the plating off the old Noelle bot--

Justin: And I throw the Buster arm and say,



Griffin: You see a fucking port open on this robot's side that catches that Buster arm in mid-air. And these four robots combine fuckin' Voltron style with Noelle in the middle of it. And she says:



Griffin: --and cocks her gun arm.

[Outro music!]