Ep. 5: Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Five/Transcript

Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone…

Griffin: The door opens, and exiting from it is a young orc woman, who is holding the biggest crossbow any of you have ever seen.



Griffin: Lying precariously towards- close to the edge of the pit, you see the one, the only Gundren Rockseeker.

Clint: Gundren…

Justin: Gundren!

Griffin: Um, and across from her is a Drow, a dark elf.



Justin: I shout



[laughter]

Justin: And I cast Magic Missile at him.

Griffin: OK.



[laughter]



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[1:35]

Justin: Is - so there’s a big door, is that the only exit the one that -

Griffin: Yeah well I’ll set up - I’ll set up the scene. I’ll start with some word magic. Umm -

Travis: [laughter]

Griffin: That’s just how I like to -

Travis: Word-o-mancy.

Griffin: Um. So the - the three of you have just finished a very intense, uh, battle with, uh -

Travis: We’re all eating a powerbar, drinking some gatorade.

Griffin: You’re all - you’re eating some Luna Bars to just like, get your - your vitamins, your minerals, uh, essential... oils, all - all from these wonderful Luna Bars. This week’s episode is sponsored by Luna Bars. They’re like Clif Bars, but... they won’t make you as constipated. Uhh, so - so you’ve just finished this battle. Killian comes out from - she was hiding behind the uh, the open, giant iron-wrought door because she had been disarmed - she walks out and sort of surveys the scene. And you can tell she is incredibly impressed. She says,



Griffin: She walks over to the edge of the pit and looks down and goes,



Griffin: She looks at all of you and Gundren.



Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: [Indistinct disagreement]



Griffin: She reaches into, uh, her sack and pulls out a feather duster, and she says,



Griffin: And taps herself with it, and -

Justin: Sorry, just to clarify, does she say “BRB”?

Griffin: Yeah, she says “BRB!”

Justin: Okay. Brrrrbp!

Griffin: “AFK!” She taps herself with the feather duster and is, uh, her - her silhouette is - is sort of surrounded by a faint grey light and she jumps into the pit. And you see her, uh, as long as you can see her before she is enveloped by the pit. Uh. She’s falling very slowly.

Travis: Okay, I - I turn to Taako and Merle,



Griffin: Gundren stands up, he’s bedraggled, and he says, uh,



Clint: What’s his health condition?



Travis: He also smokes two packs a day.



Travis: Oh no.



Travis: “I’ve been eating corning insulation for years.”

Griffin: Then he says uh,



Justin: Can I ask an out-of-character question? Why does no one besides Griffin and I have character voices? It would really make this a whole lot easier.

Travis: I - I am my character voice.

Griffin: [overlapping] And a whole lot less unlistenable. That’s just what - Travis sounds like Magnus!

Travis: Yep.

[Short pause]

Griffin: And Dad’s -

Travis: Well I would - I think you’d find that Magnus and Travis have a lot in common.

Griffin: Yeah, sure. Vis-a-vis battleaxes. Uh -

Travis: And love of dogs.

Griffin: Uh, so Gundren leads you through these giant, uh, uh, open iron-wrought doors which opens up into a large chamber where - where uh, uh - Renee the jackhammer-bot was being stored.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: And through another smaller, uh, more normal set of doors, and into a very short tunnel that opens up into, uh, another room, that is, uh, the defining feature I would say - of which is on the far wall a large, um, round metal door. Uh. And - And this one looks a little bit more complicated than the one that you, uh, that you just passed through. This one has, um, some gears, uh, peeking through sort of the - the - the metal casing of the door. Um. It looks like a pretty sophisticated contraption. Um. And I want all of you to make, uh, perception checks.

Travis: Wait... uh, 12.

Justin: Natural 18 plus... 3, 21.

Clint: 19.

Griffin: Mkay, Taako, uh, in the corner of this room, uh, you actually see a figure, uh, that is sort of huddled down and as you approach it, um, you can kind of get a better, uhh, appraisal of what this figure is. It is a skeleton -

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: - that is sort of sitting comfortably. Uh. It looks like it was positioned comfortably, uh, in the corner of this room just sitting with its back up against the wall. It is draped in a bright, crimson robe and holding, uh, what looks to be some sort of cane, with a, uh, you know, curled end, um, in one hand that is, uh, a bit obscured by its robe, it’s a bit tucked into its robe. Um. But it’s just sitting there, but whoever this was they have been dead for uh, a very long time. And Gundren kind of just looks at that figure, um, and walks over to the door and starts, uh, starts looking, looking at it, looking inside the machinery, seeing what he can do.

Travis: Griffy, do we need to roll to see how comfortably he’s sitting?

Griffin: He looks like he was chill. It looked like he maybe just sort of sat here, and was kicking it, and just sort of wasted away.

Justin: Is it - are there any clothes or anything besides just the bones there? Or is there any like distinguishing -

Griffin: That’s what’s - that’s what’s weird, it’s just the robe. Any clothes that this person had on is gone. Uh, it’s just the - the robe and the cane that it’s holding.

Justin: Okay I wanna check out the robe. Uh, I’ll search the robe for any clues or anything.

Griffin: Um. You look over the robe, it just seems to be a plain... a plain robe. You can’t really figure out how it survived when the rest of this person’s clothing sort of eroded away but there are - there’s nothing tucked away in the pockets or anything.

Travis: Where’s the skeleton looking?

Griffin: Uh. The skeleton is actually looking toward the entrance that you guys walked in through.

Clint: Can I check out the cane?

Griffin: You can, sure. What are you - what are you ch - what are you doing?

Justin: I haven’t told him about this guy yet.

Griffin: That’s a good point. Justin - Taako is the only one who’s sort of, uh, seen - seen this figure.



Clint: Is your father here?

Travis: [simultaneously] He’s your dad?

Justin: Okay.



[Griffin and Travis laugh, Clint makes a wacky noise]



[Griffin and Travis laugh]



Travis: Okay while Laverne and Shirley argue in the corner, I’m gonna -

Clint: I’m gonna check out the cane!

Justin: He’s gonna check out the cane, uh, I - can I - Griffin, this is a weird question so I will ask it, uh, to you. Is there - are, are there like - is there any way to know if there’s like, the robe’s worth taking with me like if there’s stats or something. Stats on it.

Griffin: Uh, yep, I mean, when you surveyed it, you sort of figured out that it’s just - just kind of a robe.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Is there any kind of like sense magic or something that wizards can do?

Clint: I have sense magic.

Griffin: [overlapping] There’s - there’s an arcana check -

Justin: There’s a spell, there’s a - I have a detect magic spell but I don’t really wanna do it, because I think I would have gotten a five -

Griffin: You up-up-up!-also have an arcana check that you can make.

Justin: [interested] Ohh, I’ll make an arcana check, why not.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: It just seems to me that there’s something about this staff and robe that, why is everything else...rotted away but it’s remained.

Justin: Uh, arcan - oh my.

Griffin: Probably pretty good.

[Short pause]

Justin: Uhh, I got a 1, so I don’t know if it’s - I try to eat it, but I can’t.

Griffin: [chuckles] Okay.

Clint: Since I’m lookin’ at it, can I do an arcana check?

Griffin: Yeah sure, screw it.

Clint: I got a 2. [laughter]

Travis: What’s your plusses?

Griffin: None of you can quite, uh, none of you can quite figure this out.

Travis: Wait, I’m gonna roll now. Hold on.

Griffin: You’re gonna make a fucking arcana check?

Travis: I got an 11.

Griffin: Okay, it’s magical, the cane.

[Pause]

Travis: [at the same time as Clint] Sweet.

Clint: [at the same time as Travis] I’m gonna take the cane.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Wait, hold on. Just cause it’s magic doesn’t mean it’s good magic.

Clint: Alright, wait a minute, I know what you're gonna say but I’m gonna do it anyway.

Justin: [small groan]

Clint: I’m gonna cast detect magic.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Would that not identify the magic? [Reading] “Use your action to” -

Griffin: I already told you it’s a magic cane.

Clint: “You learn its school of magic if any.”

Griffin: Um, you cast detect magic on the cane and your - your mind starts to sort of swirl. You get like, dizzy and - and faint because, uh, detect magic is a pretty - pretty basic spell, uh, that you’ve used uh, uh - quite a few times, but you’ve never really gotten a response from it like this, because the response you got was everything. It’s - it’s all - all schools of magic. It’s all of the magic that there is. Seems to be, uh, somehow embedded in this cane.

Travis: Cool.

Justin: Cool.



[laughter, all but Justin]



Travis: You were the one who wanted character voices!



Travis: [chuckles]



Clint: Alright, I wrap it in the robe.



Griffin: Even through the robe, as soon as you touch the cane, you feel a sort of jolt go through your body. Um. And I -

Travis: Like the soft drink?

Griffin: Uh. No. Uh. And I want you to actually enter into an intellect contest, with the cane.

Clint: Fine.

Griffin: So, you’re gonna roll a d20 and add your intellect modifier.

Clint: Alright, hold on one second…

Griffin: [Rolls] Oh Jesus, good luck.

Clint: 19.

Griffin: I also rolled a 19.

Justin: Wait, wait wait, he’s also got an intelligence modifier, right?

Travis: Yeah -

Clint: Zero.

Justin: Zero.

Griffin: Uh, the cane has a +2. So the cane actually beat you out. You are flung backwards by a wave of force and you just sort of thunk into the far wall of the room and you’re gonna take, uh, one - 1d4 damage from that.



Griffin: That’s 2 damage that you take. So it’s - it almost feels like the cane has rejected you.



Travis: Okay, I wanna paint a picture for what just happened. So Merle grabs it, gets flung across the room and takes damage, and Taako goes, [imitates voice] “my turn!” [laughs] and just reaches for it!

Clint: [laughter]



Travis: [laughter]



Griffin: [rolls] Uh, okay, you have a much better chance this time.

Travis: I would like - also like to picture that the whole time this is happening Magnus is just looking at the door as a dwarf flies across the room behind him.

Griffin: Um, what did you get?

Justin: 12.

Griffin: Okay, I only got a 6. Um. So you - you have bested this cane. Um. And suddenly - it’s almost like the goddamn quickening happens in this room. There are bolts of lightning shooting out of Taako as he pulls this cane from the grip of the skeleton. Uh. And as you remove it from where it’s sort of had it, um, enveloped in its robe, as you pull it out you realize that, uh, it wasn’t actually the end of a cane, it was the handle of an umbrella. And you pull this umbrella from, uh, the - the skeleton’s grasp. Um. The skeleton actually looks up at you, almost like it’s acknowledging your presence. And as you finally wrest it from its grasp, the skeleton and the bright crimson robe, uh, both disintegrate into ashes.



Travis: [Laughter]



Griffin: You realize that Gundren is sort of looking at Taako agape, like,



Justin: I look at - I look at Gundren and say,



[Clint and Travis chuckle]

Griffin: Okay so, Gundren says uh -, Gundren puts his hand on the door and very slowly the gears of the door start turning, um, and while those gears are turning, he looks at you and says,



Clint: Wait, hold one second. Uh. I have a thing called “zone of truth”...

Griffin: [amused] Okay.

Justin: [laughter]

Travis: Sure you do.

Clint: In the zone of truth, it’s a 15 foot radius - I gotta tell ya, this - I think it’s important we get the truth outta my cousin here.

Justin: [in Taako voice] No, I think that’s a great play, go for it.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Alright, I have to, um…

Griffin: You say, you say, “hold on one second, Gundren, excuse me for a second, AAACHOOzoneoftruth!”

[Justin and Travis laugh]

Griffin: You try to hide it under your breath.

Clint: Alright.

Travis: “What did you say, zone of truth?” “I did. Shit. I meant to lie, aawww.”

Clint: He’s gotta make a charisma saving throw.

Griffin: Okay. Um, he’s probably not especially charismatic, we’ll say he has a +0. What does he have to beat?

Clint: Um. Hold on.

Griffin: Probably a 13, right? Uh, he rolled a 4, plus 0 is 4, so he’s telling the truth now?

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Okay. Uh..



Griffin: Well you would have to tell the truth.

Travis: No, only he’s feeling it!

Griffin: Is it - is it targeted, or is it everybody in the zone, are we all telling the truth now?

Clint: Everybody in a 15-foot radius -

Travis: Aw, dammit.

Clint: - has to -



[Griffin and Clint laugh]



Travis: Wait, is this compulsive truth or is it just like when we speak?



Travis: [Laughter]



Griffin: Gundren, Gundren gives a -



Griffin: Gundren looks over Magnus, he’s like,



Travis: I lean over to Taako,



[Short pause]

Griffin: No answer to that? Just too - too dumb, too dumb to answer.



Clint: [Laughing]



Travis: [Laughing]



Griffin: The door makes a few definitive clunks and uh, Gundren says,



Clint: I just wanna point out to ‘im that a few minutes ago - pee works too, as we found out at the spring. He could pee on the door if he wanted to.



Clint: [Laughing]



Griffin: The door rolls open, um, revealing a very small passageway that [someone makes door-creak noise], unlike the rest of this cave, is actually kind of dark. You remember the - the rock walls of the rest of this cave are sort of illuminated.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Uh, they - they sort of have a natural, magical glow about them. But for some reason whatever’s at the end of this cave, uh, this passageway, is pitch-black. And he says uh,



Griffin: Uh, and starts to walk on through.



Clint: Is that your voice?

Travis: That’s my Magnus voice.

Griffin: I just -

Justin: Oh, my god.

Griffin: I think - I thin - I’m- I’m making a DM decision, trademark, DM Decision™ right now that Taako’s the only one that gets a voice.

Travis: [Disapproving noise] Okay, fine.

Clint: Wait a minute!

Griffin: Nope, it’s decided.

Clint: Alright, I’m gonna cast Light, it’s a cantrip -

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: - it gives a 20 foot radius around us -

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: uhh, brightly, and then another 20 feet dimly. And just because I can, uh, I make it a pale, uh, lavender.

Griffin: How nice!

Travis: That’s nice.

Clint: I can - I can choose the color.

Justin (possibly Taako): Calming!

Griffin: That’s really, really romantic. Um. Okay, so the four of you, uh, walk down this passageway, and as you step foot into the vault’s main chamber, um, you notice a lot of very strange things very quickly. The first of which is, uh, as you step foot into the chamber, the sound from the- the ground underneath is not the sort of soft crunch that you’ve, uh, sort of come to expect from the cave and mine floor. Uh. It’s like a - like a “plink!”. Like, hold on, I’ve got a glass here, so,

[glass plinks twice]

Griffin: Like that. Uh. And you look down and realize that you are in fact walking on black glass, almost like obsidian. And as you look around you realize that that is actually the composition of this entire chamber. It is a large, I would say about 60 feet, uh, in diameter, uh, almost dome-shaped room, uh, that is completely made out of, um, of - of obsidian, it looks like, black glass. And Gundren looks up and says,



Griffin: And starts to walk in towards the center of the chamber. Um. And as you move towards him you see uh, a single figure that, uh, is, uh, dwarven in shape but it’s so badly burned. Uh, burned all the way through almost like charcoal, with one hand, uh, sticking up in the air, uh, with on its hand, a silvery glove. A silvery gauntlet.



Travis: I high-five him.

[Short pause]

Griffin: [laughing] Okay. You - you reach over and high-five the [chuckling] silvery gauntlet -

Clint: Say bro in Dwarvish!

Griffin: Wh - and how do you - and what is that?

Clint: Say bro in Dwarvish.

Griffin: Well I’m asking - I’m asking you to bust that out for me.

Clint: Okay. Bushka.

Griffin: I think that’s actually Russian.

Justin: Or Klingon.

Griffin: Or Klingon. For “big wolf”.

Clint: Orb. Say “Orb.”

Griffin: Okay. So you - you high-five this uh, silvery gauntlet, um, and a, uh, spout of flame actually comes out of the, uh, gauntlet and burns your hand.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Um, and you actually, uh, take 2 damage.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Fire damage.



Clint: [wheezing laugh]

Travis: Sounds about right!

Griffin: Uh, Gundren starts to look over this dwarven figure, and says uh,



Justin: S - Sorry, just to clarify, is this figure like, moving, alive…

Griffin: No, it’s - it’s dead as fuck.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Super dead. Super burned up.

Justin: Mkay.

Griffin: Um. He - he looks at it and goes,



Griffin: He’s getting very, very, very angry.

Clint: I noticed! And that was almost a voice.



Griffin: I’m allowed to do voices, just - just not you guys. Uh. Except for Taako. Because he’s found it, you know what I mean? Once you’ve found your voice you can bring it to the table but this is - this is not workshop time.

Justin: Do I see anything else in the room?

Griffin: No.

Clint: Well, you need a perception check.

Justin: Is there another exit? Is there just the one door?

Griffin: Just the one door, it’s a vault, so - so it would only have the one very secure door that you already passed through. Um. But no, this - this lone, um, crusty, crumbly figure wearing the gauntlet is - is - uh, in the very sort of epicenter of this room, is the only thing here.

Justin: Okay, um... I -

Travis: Don’t high-five it!

Justin: [sigh] Got it. Uh, I wanna get the uh, the umbrella near the glove and see if there’s any kind of reaction or if I get any sort of magical vibe of a connection between the two.

Griffin: Um. Okay. Yeah, you - you whip out the umbrella and you point it at the glove and there doesn’t seem to be any kind of response between the two.

Travis: Try flipping it open a couple of times.

Griffin: Uh. You hear from behind you, a voice go,

[Voice]: What did I tell you?

Travis: See?

Clint: [sing-song] I know who that is.

Griffin: You turn around and it’s Killian. And - and she is uh - she looks very disappointed in all four of you. Killian says,



[Clint and Travis laugh]



Griffin: She, um…

Clint: Goodbye fourth wall!

Griffin: [chuckles] She - she surveys the room and sees the gauntlet in the middle, and says - and - and pulls out her crossbow, and says,



Justin: Are we still in the circle of truth?

Clint: Oh yeah, are we still within 15 feet of where we were?

Griffin: No no no, that was in the other room. Um.

Clint: Boo…

Griffin: Uh. She says,



Griffin: Um. It didn’t seem to work out so great for Magnus.

Travis: Well maybe it’s supposed to be a low-five. Huh? I’ve solved it.

Griffin: Gundren is standing very close to the gauntlet. And he looks at Killian and says,



[various offended noises]



Clint: [laughing]



Griffin: Killian says, uh -



Griffin: Killian just says, uh,



[Pause]



Griffin: And Gundren says uh,



Griffin: And Killian says, uh,



Clint: Gosh, Griffin doesn’t even need us anymore.

Travis: Yeah, we’re just standing off the side, doing like the tennis match look back-and-forth like “how’s this gonna play out”.

Griffin: Um. Gundren says uh,



Griffin: And Killian says,



Griffin: Um. And Gundren says,



Griffin: And he reaches over very quickly, snatches it up and puts it on his right hand.



Griffin: Um. And the - his dad crumbles over, uh, and he says, uh,



Griffin: And he is engulfed in flame.

Travis: “I regret this immediately!”

Griffin: But very quickly the flames subside, and he’s not dead.



Griffin: He’s not all burned up. He’s - I wouldn’t say he’s fine. His hair is standing on end almost.

Travis: Like Yahoo Serious?

Griffin: A little bit Yahoo S - yeah, I mean that is his hair style.

Travis: Okay.



Griffin: And Killian says,



Griffin: And shoots her crossbow at Gundren. Uh. But he puts his hand out, the hand with the gauntlet, and the projectile burns up before it can reach him.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Um. And Killian says,



Clint: So we have to choose…

Travis: I charge the dwarf.

Griffin: Okay, Merle, you charge the dwarf, uh, and as he sees you coming -

Travis: You mean Magnus.

Griffin: Oh sorry.

Clint: Sounds like the choice has been made.

Griffin: Magnus, you charge the dwarf, um, but just as he sort of stopped that projectile, he puts his hand out and knocks you back with a fiery wave of force. Um. And y -

Travis: I take how much damage?

Griffin: You take uh - uh, 5 damage, actually.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: Holy crap.

Griffin: Uh. You go sliding across the glass floor and he says,



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: Um. And he, qui - quick as a cricket - what’s the thing? What’s a fun idiom for things that move quickly?

Clint: Bunny.

Griffin: Quick a - quick as a child’s wish, he, uh -

Justin: [Laughter]

Griffin: Uh. Flies out of the chamber through the door you came in, in a - uh, just sort of surrounded, almost like he himself has turned into a, a hu - a dwarven fireball. He goes flying out of the room. And Killian says,



Travis: And Magnus sits up and says,



Griffin: She says



Clint: Oh, she’s invoking the power of sarcasm.

Justin: By the way, I haven’t told you guys this. I made a character choice.

Griffin: Oh, what’s that?

Justin: Ta - Taako’s an idiot.

Griffin: [Chuckle]

Justin: Like, he is a wizard, he is dumb as hell. So when he saw that glove, once he - once he flew out in a big fireball, that is when it clicked in his head that that might be magical. That might be a magical artifact.

Travis: So he’s very learn-ed, but a little - a little bit not quick on the uptake.

Griffin: Should he may - is it possible that -

Justin: Dumb as hell.

Griffin: - maybe he was destined, to be a different class?

Justin: Right.

Griffin: Like maybe he was more suited for like the barbarian lifestyle?

Justin: He was so - He was so stupid, that he went into the wrong area at Hogwarts and he was just like, “I guess magic.”

Griffin: The sorting hat was like, “You should be like a lumberjack or so - something”, and you’re like “no I wanna magic” and so that’s where you are.

Justin: Yeah, exactly. Where are we at?

Clint: Glad we have that backstory now.

Justin: Saving the world. Right.

[MID-EPISODE BREAK MUSIC]

[MID-EPISODE BREAK]

[MID-EPISODE BREAK MUSIC]

[38:35]

Griffin: The four of you, uh, Killian and - and you three, uh, backtrack through Wave Echo Cave pretty effortlessly. There are no extra bonus jellies for you to spar with. Um. [Clint sighs] You make your way out, um, and, uh, it’s pretty easy to track Gundren’s movements through the cave, um, because he has left a charred path behind.

Travis: He has gone super-saiyan.

Griffin: He’s basically gone super-saiyan. Um, only fiery-er, I guess? More burny. Um.

Travis: Like Weekend At Bernie’s?

[someone laughs]

Griffin: Kind of. Um. Y-You all make it out of Wave Echo Cave, and, um -

Travis: To find him congoing on the beach because music is playing!

Griffin: Uh-huh. Andrew - Andrew McCarthy is - Andrew McCarthy? What is that dog’s name?

Travis: Mhm.

Clint: Yep!

Justin: And the single-guy... John Silverman.

Clint: Silverman.

Griffin: And Steve Guttenberg. Um. You all manage to follow the path out of Wave Echo Cave and -

Justin: That was - that was not a Steve Guttenberg film. That was Gutten-free.

[All laugh]

Griffin: Aw man, my joints really lock up when I see a Steve Guttenberg movie. It’s really painful. Uh. So - so you make it out of the cave, um, and his fiery warpath, uh, extends beyond the cave. Um. You manage with Killian’s help because the three of you are dullards that can’t like, follow a path of blazing fire... uh... y-you manage to -

Travis: Now hold on! Hold on, I don’t want to make this character choice for everyone, that’s Taako’s character.

Griffin: Okay. That’s Taako’s character. Uh. Magnus you’re actually the smartest one of the bunch.

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: Which seems unlikely. All your class choices -

Clint: I don’t wanna make that character choice either!

Griffin: If only you guys could sort of rotate classes one to the right. I think you all would probably be a lot better off. But, uh, you follow the fiery path, um, uh, and after a few miles -

Clint: Would you call it - would you call it a swathe of destruction?

Griffin: A swathe of burnt - I mean all that he’s destroyed is like, some plains.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: ‘Kay.

Justin: So there are planes?

Griffin: There are plains yeah -

Justin: Like air planes?

Griffin: [Ignoring] - You’re trekking back and after a few miles you realize that, uh, this - this path that - this trail that he is literally blazing, um, is heading back towards Phandalin.

Travis: I knew it.

Clint: Uh oh.

Travis: He’s going for Barry Bluejeans you guys.

Griffin: You think he’s going to kill Barry - he’s, he has to assassinate Barry Bluejeans? That’s his life goal?

Travis: No I think he’s gonna go form up, like, Barry’s his buddy. He’s gonna go pick up his teammate.

Griffin: Killian says,



Griffin: The four of you are in the cart, by the way, that you borrowed from Barry Bluejeans, that you rode to Wave Echo Cave. So, you’re making pretty good time, you’re not exactly sure the speed comparison between… magic ffff -

Clint: Fireballs and wagons?

Griffin: Fireball dwarf and - and a - a wagon but you think you’re making pretty good time. Um.



Griffin: She says.

Um.



Griffin: - She’s, she’s just exasperated -



Clint: [Laughter]



Griffin: Okay.



Travis: It instantly works.

Justin: That’s 4...5...9...10...14.

Travis: Nope.

Clint: [Laughter]

Justin: How many hit points do you have?

Travis: 17.

Justin: [Unconvincingly] Oh there’s - wait I forgot there’s one more.

Griffin: [Chuckles]

Justin: 8! Okay, 25.

Travis: Okay yep, sleepy-time.

[laughter]

Justin: Magnus is asleep.

Griffin: Um. So yeah so you were successful in putting, um, putting Magnus to sleep.

Clint: Awww.

Travis: He’s sending him out to a farm -

Griffin: [Shushing]

Travis: - and he runs and plays!

[All shushing]

Justin: You’re asleep, you’re asleep.

Griffin: Nope, you’re done. Sleepy -

Clint: You’re asleep.

Griffin: - s’sleepytime.

Travis: But Travis isn’t asleep!

Griffin: Justin, can -

Justin: I cast sleep - I cast sleep on Travis.

Clint: [Laughter]

Griffin: Oh my god, it’s getting real, it’s getting real! ...Um, the four of you, in the wagon, um, are getting fairly close to Phandalin and you, uh -

Travis: [Chuckling] Magnus wakes up, puts his shoes back on.



Griffin: Uh, no this is actually fairly soon after the sleep spell was cast. So... um...

Justin: Still asleep.

Griffin: Sleep lasts for how long?

Justin: Till I wake him up.

Griffin: I don’t think that’s exact - I think it only last - it works -

Justin: It says it puts him into a magical slumber. There - it doesn’t define -

Griffin: For one minute.

Justin: What, really?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Oh.

Justin: Oh, god.

Clint: [Quietly] Should’ve killed him.

Justin: [Quietly] What a waste.

Griffin: Killing him is like a sleep that lasts a long time! [laughter from others] Um, the four of you in this wagon crest a hill. Um. Y - You’re - You’re about four or five miles outside of Phandalin at this point. And as you do you actually, uh, see... one of the most harrowing signs of destruction that Gundren has wrought. Um. Everything else has been - you know, he’s burned down some trees while - while blazing a path towards Phandalin. But here, um, as you look down you actually see a convoy of wagons, um, that had been completely destroyed. Completely burned out. Um. Uh. They were like conestoga wagons so just sorta the - the framing of the wagons remains. There are a few cinders actually still burning in some of the wood of these wagons. They’re - they’re completely destroyed. And you see laid out next to them a few charred, uh, bodies that you make out to actually be orcish. Um. So you think that Gundren has sort of exacted some - some level of vengeance on, uh, orcs who he is just not a big fan of.

Clint: Yeah, he’s an orcist. He really is.

Griffin: He really is a big orcist, he um…

Travis: You realize that when someone is a racist you don’t, like, call them blank-ist for each person they hate right? He’s still just racist.

Clint: When did you wake up?

Travis: [immediately] Okay.

Justin: [laughter]

Griffin: The spell only lasts for a minute but like, Magnus actually got very comfortable. So now -

Clint: Can we see Thundren?

Griffin: Gundren?

Clint: Gundren.

Griffin: No, because the path has blazed past this - this, uh, wagon. He did his -

Clint: But he has not made it to town yet?

Griffin: He did - he did - you can’t tell. You can’t really see Phandalin yet. He did his business here and then he managed to keep moving on. Um. You, uh, actually see, um, that not everybody in this scene is dead. You see four, uh, human figures who are sort of picking over the remains. And they have their own, uh, wagon with them. They’re - They’re sort of scavenging, um, through this - this burned out convoy. Um. And actually it’s an open wagon that they have and you can see in the back of it a cage with a adolescent orc, uh, boy in it. Um. And he’s locked up and he’s just sitting there. Um. Yeah you’re too far away, you’re about, uh, 80 feet away from the scene, so you can’t really hear anything, but you - you get the impression that these are scavengers who are taking whatever valuables they can from this scene. And -

Clint: And apparently kidnappers.

Griffin: Uh. And - and Killian sees this, and says,



Clint: What’s our call?

Travis: Whether we stop and help or not.

Justin: Is there anything to fight?

Clint: Actually I think what he’s wondering is, is there anything for him to secretly steal when nobody’s looking.

Justin: Nooo, I - noo.

Travis: Okay, Magnus rushes over.

Griffin: We should change the name of the podcast to Magnus - “Magnus Rushes In”. Is - is now the name of the adventure.

Travis: Listen, I’m playing my character the way you’re supposed to. I value action over thought, I rush in to help the boy in the cage.

Griffin: Okay. You rush in, and uh…

Justin: Are there still fires burning anywhere?

Griffin: Uhh, no, they’re very minor fires, you don’t need to do any, um…

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You don’t need to, you know, get out the extinguisher or anything. Uhhm. You rush in and you see these four scavengers. Um. They are dressed in pretty raggedy clothes but they have, um, y’know, swords, daggers, um, some - some weapons on them. And uh, one of them turns away from the cart and sees Magnus rushing towards and says,
 * {{NPC|Scavenger: [In a hillbilly accent] Oh hey, some guys, yo, hey! Slow your roll! Slow your roll, pard’ner! Uh, we’re just - we’re just pickin’ the bones of this scene, we didn’t do any of this, we promise. We’re just tryin’ to - four honest, y’know, fools tryin’ to make a buck, tryin’ to turn a buck in this hard, cold world. Certainly y’all three can sympathize with that.

Clint: [overlaps with Magnus] Alright, how far away are we?


 * {{Travis|Magnus: I respect your motivations and we don’t have a lot of time for this. Give me the boy and we’ll be on our way.}}
 * {{NPC|Scavenger: Aw, what’re you gonna do with a orc boy, huh? You gonna - you gonna train him up to be your ward? He’s not some pet dog that you can adopt, I know how bad you want one of them. What’re you -}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Then why do you have him in a cage?}}
 * {{NPC|Scavenger: For sellin’!}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: What do you think happens to him after you sell him?}}
 * {{NPC|Scavenger: That’s not my problem, I get the money for sellin’ the boy!}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Listen, I’m gonna give you to three, we really got a lot to do -}}

Griffin: He says,


 * {{NPC|Scavenger: [Interrupting] I’m ah - ah - I - eh - I’m gonna say some cool shit now.}}

Clint: [laughter]

Griffin: He says,


 * {{NPC|Scavenger: Me n’ my posse gonna give you ta two!}}

Griffin: And, all -


 * {{Travis|Magnus: We’ll give you to one!}}
 * {{NPC|Scavenger: Well how ‘bout this? Zero, motherfuckers!}}

Griffin: And they all draw their weapons.

Travis: Cool.

Clint: I cast Thaumaturgy!

Justin: Wait no, you gotta -

Griffin: No, it’s -

Justin: You gotta roll for initiative.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Oh.

Justin: Yeah it’s gotten to this point.

Griffin: [overlapping] Battle time. You just - the screen just sort of uh, got like all pixelated and you heard the [mimics encounter noise] and that’s how you know that like uh, you’ve just entered into a random encounter.

Justin: [mimics RPG battle music]

Travis: Um, are - do we think that for Magnus taking his nap, that was his short rest to regain hitpoints?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you guys were all on a pretty long ride, so we’ll say that counted as a short rest. It was a very restful ride. So you guys can roll hit die to -

Justin: Except for the fact that we were following the trail of flaming dwarf, it was all really chill.

Griffin: Um -

Clint: I rolled a 17 initiative.

Travis: I did as well.

Griffin: Who has the higher - what are your modifiers?

Travis: Mine is +2

Clint: Mine’s -1.

Griffin: Okay, so Travis goes first.

Clint: What did Travis have?

Griffin: You guys have the same score, but in the case of a tie whoever has the highest modifier goes first. Uh, Juice, what’d you get?


 * {{Justin|Taako: 15!}}

Griffin: Kay.

[pause]

Justin: That was in character, he just said “15” and no one knew why.

[Others chuckle]

Justin: Roll to see if they’re unnerved.

Travis: [laughs] “They’re shouting numbers, get outta here!”

Justin: Grif, when you have four opponents like this, do they each get their own initiative roll or do they just sort of act collaboratively.

Griffin: Uh, I roll an initiative roll for each discrete type of enemy you’re fighting.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: So if you were fighting some - some bandits, and a bear, and a bugbear... but there were like 14 bugbears, I would only roll one bugbear roll.

Clint: But right now we’re fighting the equivalent of dumpster divers, right?

Griffin: Uhh, these are actually ruffians, bandits.

Clint: Ohh.

Griffin: Yeah. These -

Clint: [rolls R] Rrrruffians.

Griffin: These people aren’t too worried about their [sarcastic] “carbon footprint” uh, as much as they are, you know, plundering. Pillaging. Uh. First in the order is actually Killian. Um. Killian says uh,


 * {{NPC|Killian: Let’s keep thi -}}

Travis: Wait, what’d Taako roll? Griffin: Taako rolled a 15.

Justin: 15 and I shouted it out loud.

Griffin: Killian got a natural 20. Um. Uh. She goes, uh,


 * {{NPC|Killian: Hey guys, let’s try and make this quick.}}

Griffin: And then she whips out her crossbow and fires a projectile. This is the first time that you’ve uh, really seen, uh, her - her giant mega-crossbow in action where it hasn’t been sort of stymied by a flaming magic dwarf. Uh. And it fires a bolt a size of uh, a short spear at the lead ruffian that was uh, trying to intimidate you with his countdown. Uh. She rolls a 12 plus 6 which is 18 which, uh, beats their armour class. Uh. And it does... oh god, uh, 14 points of damage. He - the bolt hits him and it actually sends him flying back, uh, about 10 feet. It is a very powerful blow and he lands prone, uh, but still alive. Uh, next in the order is Travis. Oh wait - hold on wait, I wrote a T - yeah that stands for... that’s Magnus.

Travis: Okay, I’m gonna two-handed battleaxe at whichever one’s closest to me.

Griffin: Uh, there are, uh, two sort of close to the wagon where the thing is locked up, uh, which is also -

Travis: The thing?

Griffin: The - uh, where the orc boy -

Travis: Griffin!

Griffin: - is locked up, um, that’s about 20 feet away, uh, where the now injured ruffian just landed. There’s another one, uh, that sorta had that guy’s back who’s probably the closest. He’s about, uh, 10 feet out from you.

Travis: Great. I step up to him. Two-handed battleaxe. Oh wait, gotta roll the right dice... uh... 24.

Griffin: Oh yeah, god.

Travis: And it does 1d10 plus 4... uhh, 13 points of damage.

Griffin: Holy shit.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: As you approach him he’s like,


 * {{NPC|Ruffian: Bring it on, tough-guy!}}

Griffin: And then you hit him and he’s like,


 * {{NPC|Ruffian: Don’t.}}

Travis: [laughter]

Clint: [Mimics slow banjo music]


 * {{NPC|Ruffian: Hold up... ohh, hold up. Oh dang. Ohhh dang. Oh dang…}}

Travis: [wheezy laughter]

Clint: Is this Jesco White?


 * {{NPC|Ruffian: Ohhh daaang.}}

Griffin: He’s alive, but, um... but dang. Next in the order is Merle. You got two severely wounded ruffians and the two by the cart that are still full health.

Clint: Okay. I am going to cast Thaumaturgy, it’s a cantrip, which allows my voice to boom up to three times as loud as normal for a minute. And I’m going to yell;


 * {{Clint|Merle: There’s only four of ‘em! Platoon… One, attack from the east! Platoon Two, attack from the west!}}

Clint: Which echoes, down the hill.

Griffin: The - the two full-health ruff - I’m gonna say you’re making an intimidation check. Why don’t you actually uh - why don’t you actually roll that, and I’ll give you advantage since you made your voice very loud and uh, uh - believable.

Clint: Okay, lemme check.

Griffin: And these guys are gonna make a, we’ll say an intelligence check against, they have -1 intelligence so that should go fairly poorly. [Rolls] Yup!

Clint: You said an intelligence check?

Griffin: They’re making an intelligence check to combat your intimidation.

Justin: Yeah your intimidation.

Clint: Oh, okay.

Griffin: Cause you’re lying to them essentially.

Clint: Uhh, 9.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: What would be his modifier on an intimidation check, Griffin?

Travis: Intimidation is one of the skills.

Griffin: There’s an - there’s an intimidation skill.

Justin: Oh.

[pause]

Clint: Uh, plus 3. So 12.

Griffin: They only got a 4, so that is sufficient. Um. The two - the two ruffians by their cart look at each other, they look at the boss who’s lying on  the ground with a spear-sized bolt in his stomach, and say,


 * {{NPC|Ruffians: Whadda we do?}}

Griffin: He’s like,


 * {{NPC|Scavenger: [Exhausted, clinging to life] I don’t - I don’t know man, I gue - I guess, I guess go check it out?}}

Griffin: And so the two ruffians split off to the east and west and - and start [chuckles] running in either direction looking for, uh, these reinforcements to come.


 * {{Justin|Taako: Guys, did you hear that? Did you hear from the hills? There’s an army supporting us! I think we’re gonna win this thing!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Yeah, Taako, definitely. [sighs]}}

[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Clint: Dear, sweet Taako.

Griffin: Uh. Next in the order is Taako himself, the man the myth the legend.


 * {{Justin|Taako: The fuck, I don’t even have to do anything! [Pause] Roll to chill!}}

Clint: [laughter]


 * {{Justin|Taako: Chill check!}}

Justin: No, I- I’ll go ahead and um... I’ll give ‘em a little magic missile.

Griffin: To which one, you’ve got two injured ones and the other two have - have run off’d.

Justin: They’re splitsville. I’ll do two bolts for one of the injured and one bolt for the uh, the other one.

Clint: Really badly injured one.

Justin: And that’s a d…

Griffin: It’s a d4 plus 1. You only roll it once and that’s the result that you use for - for all of them.

Justin: 4.

Griffin: 4 damage? Yeah you don't even - you don’t even- you don’t even need two bolts on either of those two dudes. They were - they had 3 and 2 health respectively, so they are - they are both nixed. Stevie Nixed, these two are. Um. Congratulations you solved my bandit puzzle.

Travis: [laughter] Alright we pop open the cage, say “hop in the cart”, check their cart real quick, any good shit?

Griffin: Um...

Justin: This is good, now we own a boy.

[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Travis: No man can own another man, Justin! We’ve freed a boy who’s chosen to join us rather than stay out in the woods by himself.

Clint: He’s an orcling.

Griffin: Are you - are you - so you’re freeing the boy? You’re freeing the orc boy?

Travis: Yes?

Justin: Yes?

Griffin: Okay, uh, you - you find some keys on one of those two dead bandits and you pop open the cage, and the orcish boy doesn’t... seem especially grateful? He sort of barely even acknowledges your - your presence, and he -

Clint: So he’s a teenager?

Griffin: Yeah, uh -

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: He’s moody, he’s listening to his Nirvana tapes... and he just sort of starts to walk away. He just walks away.

Clint: So he’s an emorc?


 * {{Travis|Magnus: Okay bye!}}

Griffin: That was pretty good.

Justin: [laughs]

Griffin: Killian is like uh,


 * {{NPC|Killian: [wrong voice] You ungrateful little whelp!}}

Griffin: Woah wait, that’s my Gundren voice. I’m getting groggy already! Um. She says, uh,


 * {{NPC|Killian: Wow what a... what an ungra - what an ingrate. What a jerk. Gah, kids these days. Orc kids these days, I tell ya.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Did you know him?}}
 * {{NPC|Killian: Are you kidding - now who’s the orcist? [Mocking voice] “Yeah, d’you, oh, do you, uh, do you know Steven? He’s an orc too.”}}

Clint: “He’s orc too!”


 * {{NPC|Killian: “Hey I know an orc named Steven, do you know him?” That’s what you sound like right now, Taako!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: We don’t have time for this.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: I... I don’t know a Steven.}}

[CREDITS MUSIC]