Ep. 23: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Six/Transcript

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:



Justin: Alright, I cast Charm Person on Klarg.



Griffin: They are pretty gigantic, covered in this burlap, crude cloth outfit, they are chained to a chair, and they are wearing this full metal helmet.

Justin: It’s the bugbear.

Travis: It’s my hugbear! It’s Klarg!



[theme music (Déjà Vu by Mort Garson) plays]

Travis: Griffin?

Griffin: Yeah?

Travis: Have we reached a point in the adventure yet where we’re allowed to fight people?

Griffin: You can—

Travis: Or?

Griffin: You can do whatever you want. In-in fact, the, uh, the boss who, I should’ve mentioned this last week, the boss’s name is Maarvey.

Travis: Maarvey.

Clint: Maarvey.

Griffin: Yeah, with two A’s, you gotta really hit it hard. Um.

Justin: MaAaAaArVeEeYy.

Griffin: Yeah—

Travis: So we’re facing a, we gotta rescue KlaAaarg from MaaAarrvy.

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Yes and in fact Maarvey, uh, notices Magnus trembling and is like:



Griffin: Um, in fact, you- you do kinda hear something coming from outside, it sounds like somebody banging on the exterior gate—

Travis: Oh, shit, it’s Li’l Jerry.

Griffin: —of this Hammerhead, uh, headquarters, uh, and Maarvey says, uh:



Travis: [imitating Maarvey] You’re a good time, Lil Jerry, you make me happy.



Griffin: Jerreeeeee says—



Griffin: —and walks out of the garage.

Travis: So right now, just to get a lay of the land… there’s four dudes?

Griffin: Four dudes. Klarg- two of which are watching over Klarg, two of which are sort of working under a suspended, uh, battlewagon.

Travis: And how is, how is- how is the vehicle suspended?

Griffin: They’re up on like lifts, like hydraulic lifts. Um, like you would see in a garage. Uhh.. so yeah, there’s two guys working under, uh, one of those battlewagons, there’s two guys sort of with big clubs watching over Klarg, uhm, and then there’s Maarvey sitting at his desk.

Clint: So there’s five guys.

Griffin: There’s five guys and a Klarg. And a pizza place.

Travis: If I wanted to drop that suspended car, can I see that mechanism?

Griffin: Uhhhhh, I’m sorry, there are four guys because Jerreeeeee just went outside.

Clint: Oh.

Griffin: Yeah, I mean, there’s- there’s levers, next to each of the, next to each of the lifts. Um.

Clint: Oh, I say we take the opportunity.

Travis: I think so too.

Justin: Well, I, I don’t know if any of us know how to work something like that.

Travis: Good news, I have vehicle proficiency.

Clint: Well, I bet you Travis—

Justin: I bet you if Travis doesn’t have the proficiency, he can roll a twenty to figure it out.

Travis: Lemme look, I’ve got lever proficiency.

Clint: [Laughs]

Travis: Says so right there in black and white.

Clint: I always told you you’d go blind.

Griffin: Are you gonna—gross!

Travis: [Laughs] I like that joke!

Clint: Thank you, thank you.

Justin: That was a good one.

Griffin: That one I appreciated because it wasn’t my dad saying something sexual about himself, it was my dad- [realizes midsentence and changes tone to dismay] actually saying something sexual about his son—

Clint: About your brother!

Griffin: —that’s actually bad. That’s bad too!

Justin: Yeah, you were into it though dir-tyy birrrrd.

All: [Laughs]

Griffin: Um, okay are you gonna, what are you doing?

Travis: I’m going to pull that lever.

Griffin: I guess we’re getting things started. Uh, Magnus, you gonna say any dope shit?

Travis: Uh—

Griffin: It’s unlike you to just like do something without saying—



Griffin: Okay! You say “Ehh you squished” and uh, and you yank on that lever. Uh, and the two guys underneath go:



Griffin: And then the uh, the wagon above them, uh, a sort of, bigger flatbed truck-looking wagon—

Justin: Wait, can I, can we stop for a second? Before you do this, has he done this? Is this done?

Griffin: The moment- the moment has frozen.

Clint: [laughs]

Justin: Okay, before we do this. We were specifically asked not to k—like we went through a whole rigamarole about hiding a body because we were—

Travis: Ahh, yeah.

Justin: —weren’t supposed to kill anybody!

Travis: Can I non- can I non-lethally squish them?

Justin: I wanna be granted this, like, reprieve because it’s been a couple of weeks since we were into this but, we were speci—we were in a situation that was specifically instructed by somebody we had to continue to work with not to hurt anybody ‘cause they’re a cop.

Griffin: Oh, you can hurt.

Justin: Okay, not to kill anybody says— [stuttering] Step one being: let’s squish some dudes with a car. Let’s, let’s comfortingly suffocate them with the car’s wheels until they black out, then remove it instantly. Let’s- let’s hope this, this truck can put them in a sleeper hold.

Clint: I have, I actually have a way out of this.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Without reversing it.

Justin: Okay?

Clint: Alright, you want me to try it?

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah, the moment you’re in slow-mo, you’re in bullet time right now. This car is now, this wagon is falling on these two gentlemen.

Clint: Okay, hit the lever again to stop it from squishing them but just pinning them and I will say:



Justin: [Whispering] Oh that’s good, now they’re just pinned.

Clint: Yeah!

Travis: Okay, I do that.

Clint: Not only are they just pinned, but they didn’t know that we did it on purpose.

Justin: Oh that’s good.

Clint: So now we can kill the other guys. [pause] No! No! No!

Justin: Again with the killing? No killing!

Clint: Oh, right. Killing bad, okay.

Travis: Wait, I only pull it—I only pull it halfway.

Justin: He’s just trying to stop it with—

Clint: He just trying to pin them.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: He stopped it there, so they’re pinned under the car, the wagon.

Griffin: Alright so you’re pulling it halfway, pushing it halfway back.

Travis: Yes?

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: Okay, you push it halfway back, it does not—

Clint: And we’re acting like he’s a dumbass and it was an accident.

Justin: Yeah!

Travis: Oh, a real Lenny.

Griffin: Can you give me like a taste of what that dialogue might feel like?

Clint: Yeah. Um--

Justin: And I’m gonna insist on character voices, I’m gonna get really hardcore about this. If you don’t use a character voice, you lose a hit point.

Travis: [laughs]

Clint: Okay.

Travis: You die.

Clint: And what did, what are you going by Travis? What did—Have we given you a name?

Justin: I think—

Travis: Magnus is fine.

Clint: Okay.



Justin: Now why? Okay.

Griffin: None of it makes any sense. I’m going to stop this little line of logic in its tracks though. As you push the lever, halfway back into the nonlethal position it does not slow the descent of the car, which falls and crushes the two men.

Travis: But leaving them with one hit point and they’re unconscious.

Griffin: You are unable to discern their hit point number, but it does not seem good. Uh, and let’s r- let’s roll for initiative.

Travis: But Griffin, I don’t want to kill.

Griffin: I thi—It’s your default setting apparently.

Travis: I-I must not kill again. I rolled a 3 plus 2, a 5.

Clint: Okay, I rolled a 12 but I roll again don’t I, Ditto?

Griffin: Yep.

Clint: Uh, that was a 5 so 12 was my highest.

Justin: [in Taako voice] 2.

Griffin: Not great, guys.

Travis: Thanks Griffin. Comforting words from the DM. [comical voice] ‘Real shit job!’ Not killing is really hard, how does Batman do it?

Griffin: He’s got all those wonderful tools. Um, first in the order is one of the ruffians guarding over Klarg, who goes, uh—

Justin: Toys, Griffin, he has toys.

Griffin: Huh?

Justin: Wonderful toys. Wonderful toys.

Griffin: Uh, I’m not a, like, a nerd so I guess I don’t—

Travis: We’re doing a D&D podcast!

Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: Uh, the first ruffian goes:



Griffin: And uh, runs over to Magnus, and is going to swing at you with a—

Clint: Why, it was an accident!

Griffin: Well.

Clint: We didn’t mean to fight, we didn’t mean to crush those guys, and I might be able to heal ‘em!

Griffin: That’s a 19 versus AC.

Travis: Oh.

Clint: Hell, let’s fight.

Justin: Ah well. Let’s just beat ‘em up.

Travis: That just barely hits but hold on.

Griffin: Can you do a thing?

Travis: I can do a thing! Okay, great. I can parry and I can disar—yeah, parry.

Griffin: M’kay. This guy brings a big ol’ hammer down on you and you Matthew Perry?

Travis: I Matthew Perry, uh. When one other creature damages you with a melee attack you can use your reaction and expend one superiority die to reduce the damage by the number you roll on your superiority dice plus your dexterity modifier.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: So go ahead and roll damage.

Justin: Why do people think D&D is so complicated.

Griffin: Uh, 11, 11 points of damage.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: And you gotta be real cynical doing it too if you're Matthew Perry.

Travis: I rolled a 5 plus 2. So I reduce it by 7.

Griffin: Okay so 4 points of damage and you go, “Could you be more— [gets interrupted by the sound of a phone going off] —weak?”

Clint: Do you even lift bro?

Travis: Finish it...

Griffin: “Can you be more weak?” That’s my Matthew Perry from Friends impression—

Clint: That’s good, oh good.

Griffin: —and his classic character, Chandler.

Clint: Yo! ...I don’t know who that was.

Griffin: I don’t know who that was either, dad! Did you just birth a ‘90s sitcom character? In your brain womb? Uh, next in the order is Maarvey who uh, stands up, opens up his desk and uh, pulls out a—

Travis: Flower!

Griffin: What looks like a, like a stun baton. Like a stun, like a taser rod, that they might use at a zoo, a ba—a shitty zoo. A shitty zoo where they’re really bad to the animals and uh--

Travis: A Goldcliff zoo!

Griffin: -Yeah and uh, he is going to poke that right into Taako’s chest who’s sitting in front of him.

Justin: Aw man.

[sound of dice rolling]

Justin: Now wait, now okay, hold on. I’m gonna call bullshit on that.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: There’s no reason that he would attack me.

Griffin: Oh that’s a good call. Okay, yeah, he’ll do it to Merle.

Clint: There’s no reason he’d attack me!

Griffin: Well, no, ‘cause Justin’s disguised as-

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: But aren’t we all disguised? Didn’t we put on their robes, their lil’ jumpsuits?

Griffin: He only rolled a 9.

Travis: But we’re the new ones.

Griffin: Yep. He knows somethin’ stinks here. A nine’s not gonna beat your AC though.

Clint: No.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Yay! Uh, Magnus is gonna attack the guy who just attacked him, two handed battle-ax with ol’ Railsplitter, the ol’ tail spinner.

Griffin: And you’re gonna go for non-lethal damage?

Travis: Non-lethal damage, yes, thank you Griffin. It was 14 plus seven, 21.

Griffin: Yeah that’s a hit.

Travis: And—oh my god, my desk is a fucking mess, um.

Griffin: What have I told you guys about your game stations?

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: My game station’s atrocious. Alright, uh, d10 plus six that's a five, 11 points of damage.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s— yeah.

Travis: Nonlethal damage.

Griffin: Well, it’s not enough to kill him anyway but okay.

Travis: I don’t-- Can I say like, non-lasting damage? Like it hurts him real bad but he’s probably going to be fine in a couple days.

Griffin: Uh, the, uh, second ruffian, uh-

Travis: Give them names.

Griffin: Craigery.

All: [Laughs]

Griffin: Craigery, uh, is next in the order, he, uh, he starts to walk forward to you, but he is stopped by the strong, grasping hand of Klarg.

Travis: Yay!

Griffin: Who raises his head up and just kind of grabs onto the, uh, the back of his shirt and even though he’s chained up and still locked into this chair, uh, just sorta pulls him down onto the ground and just kind of pins him down. And next in the order is Merle.

Clint: Okay! I am going to use my, uh, my warhammer and hit Klarg’s chains to try and free him.

Travis: Now, a little O-O-C talk here, I hope Klarg’s not mad at us.

Clint: Well, he won’t be mad if we free him and save him from this…

Travis: Excellent point.

Clint: … awfulness.

Travis: Excellent point.

Griffin: Uh, alright just, roll a uh-- roll an attack against these chains.

Clint: Okay, that’s an 8, right?

Justin: I’m gonna, this is awesome enough that I’m going to turn a blind eye to your dice rolls, dad, whatever you just.

Clint: Well, I’m just trying to—

Justin: Just roll and whatever.

Griffin: Just do roll the one with 20 sides on it.

Travis: You can say whatever, they can’t see it at home.

Clint: Okay, I’m sorry. Alright. Ah, good.

Justin: It’s a 12.

Clint: It’s a 12.

Griffin: Plus?

Travis: Plus your strength modifier.

Griffin: Plus, yeah. Plus your warhammer.

Clint: Plus my strength modifier, plus two, that’s four, plus the warhammer is another four.

Griffin: Nah, I think you have +5 altogether. We need to get your character sheet in order. Um, but that’s enough, a 17, you bring it down on a weak, uh, link. The ruffian that Klarg pulled down to the ground actually, like, rears back in fear thinking you're about to uh, uh, murder him too. But you bring this down on, uh, a weak link in the chain and almost instantly, the chains just sorta rip off Klarg as he stands up, and uh, roars defiantly. Um.



Griffin: And he gets an initiative roll. Uh, okay next in the order is Taako.

Justin: Great. I’m still next to Maarvey?

Griffin: Uh, yeah.

Justin: Who's focused on somebody.. Uh, I’m going to grab Maarvey’s arm that has the stun baton and jam it into his face.

Travis: Yeah!

Clint: Oooh, I like it!

Griffin: So this is-

Justin: I have high dam— I’m not a strong man, but he’s not expecting it, so I feel like it should fall into dexterity.

Griffin: Ah, ah no.

Clint: Nonlethal.

Griffin: Here’s how we’ll do it, it’ll be a, uh, strength on strength check but because you have such a, like, huge element of surprise, I’m going to give you advantage and him disadvantage.

Justin: Okay, that’s fair.

Griffin: So, you roll twice and I roll twice. You take your better roll.

Clint: Strength on strength.

Griffin: My first one was a 17 so,

Justin: First one’s a 17, okay, mine is a-

Griffin: My second one is a 6.

Justin: Okay, so mine’s a 13 plus 3.

Griffin: Alright, you- you got ‘em.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You don’t even need to roll the second one. Uh, alright so here’s how it’s going to work. You are redirecting his own weapon against him, so you will make, uh, what is basically a melee attack? We’ll call this a staff or something because I think you’re probably good with those. So, uh, we’ll say, what’s your- what’s your, uh, what’s your dexterity modifier? It probably isn’t dex but…

Justin: Plus 3.

Griffin: Plus 3, okay, so we’ll say plus 6, uh, to attack his face.

Clint: And yell “eat baton, butthole.”

Justin: What’s the, um, initial, like what do I roll?

Griffin: A D20.

Justin: For initial damage? I’m sorry.

Griffin: Oh no, you have to roll to attack him now. First, you were just sort of testing to make sure you could use his own weapon against him. Now you’re actually making the attacking against.

Travis: It’s quite possible Taako’s never made a melee attack, so bear with him.

Justin: Yeah, I’ve clearly have not. Uh, 15, that’s what it was.

Griffin: Alright, 15 plus what did I say? 6? Something like that? Yeah, whatever. It’s- it’s enough to beat his AC. Uh, okay, and then uh,you roll uh, roll two D8 thunder damage, and we’ll give that also plus 6.

Justin: 2d8 thunder damage. Okay, um. Wait, which is— sorry, I don’t mean to be a dad here but—

Clint: Hey!

Justin: Which is d8?

Clint: Wait a minute, is that a thing?

Justin: Got it, here it is. Uh, 4, 3. So, 7.

Griffin: Plus 6, 13. Okay uh, he takes 13 thunder damage, uh, and then he pisses his pants, and he falls to the floor, prone.

Travis: And he takes +2, uh, piss damage.

Clint: Yeah, I was going to say that if he pisses his pants and he’s got a shocking thing in his hands, he’ll get shocked again.

Griffin: That’s not how any- that’s not how any science - that’s not how real science or fantasy science works.

Clint: Son, who went to police academy? I saw-

Justin: High Tower?

Clint: —all 6 of them.

Griffin: Uh, he falls to the ground and he is stunned. Uh, and just sort of convulsing, it’s really - actually, you know what, guys? It’s kind of graphic.

Clint: More graphic than pissed himself?

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, next in the order is the ruffian that Magnus hit, who turns around and sees Klarg free from his chains and he goes:



Griffin: And he hightails it for the door. And Magnus, you are going to get to make an opportunity attack against him.

Travis: That’s 17, is it just-

Griffin: Yeah, good.

Travis: Basic Melee?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Okay. Yeah, well it was a seventeen plus seven.

Griffin: That was a hit.

Travis: So 24. So battle-axe.

Griffin: I mean, yeah. Whatever you want to-

Justin: Can you use the flat part, please?

Travis: I mean, not, non-lethal battle-axe attack.

Justin: Is there a dull side, perhaps?

Travis: Uh, 6 plus 6 is 12.

Griffin: 12, jeeze. He is very bloody, but he survives, and he runs out of the garage and you cannot see him anymore.

Travis: Aww. Are you sure I can’t see him anymore?

Griffin: Yeah, real- real sure. Next in the order iiiis, uh, Klarg, who uh, is going to stand up, uh, and wrap his chain, uh, around the neck of... the other ruffian that was attacking him...

Justin: Yeah! We’re fine!

Clint: Klarg comes through!

Justin: We’re buds for life.

Griffin: He rolls a 16, which is enough, and the ruffian takes... 11 points of damage and he is restrained. Uh, next in the order is Magnus. This ruffian that is restrained is like,



Griffin: He’s the only one still up, since, uh, Maarvey is, uh, is on the ground. He’s like:



Clint: Ah, is he like crying and stuff?

Griffin: Yeah, he’s crying. He has also pissed his pants. It’s just like ankle deep in this room.

Clint: Snot bubbles...

Travis: Should I worry- should I worry about the dude who ran out the door who’s probably going to get a bunch more people?

Griffin: Um, it’s up to you, I can’t tell you what to worry about.

Travis: That was more directed at my fellow party members.



Travis: Pisspants one!



Justin: I go over and, and while they’re doing whatever happens next-- I’m assuming it’ll be unpleasant- I’ll go ahead and uh, go grab uh, that key from, I’ll pat him down for the key. And I’ll help myself to his stun baton, a-thank-you-very-much.

Travis: I would like to walk over to Klarg and say,



Griffin: He looks like he’s about to pop the head off of this ruffian.



Griffin: He, uh, he starts to, uh, choke this ruffian a little bit tighter, and he is walking backwards toward, uh, one of the- the battlewagons that’s covered up by a tarp. He’s like-



Clint: I cast calm emotions.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Whoa!

Clint: You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people, each humanoid in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose within range, must make a charisma saving throw.

Griffin: This is the most soothing-

Travis: And play smooth jazz.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: The creature can choose to fail this saving throw, if it wishes.

Griffin: [laughing] Yeah, yeah, you know what, I’d like to just chill out a little bit. You know what? That sounds good.

Clint: [over Griffin’s laughing] If a creature feels- if-

Travis: Thank you, I am freaking out.

Clint: You don’t know Klarg!

Griffin: Okay, uh, Klarg is not going to want to do it. How- how big is the radius of this spell?

Clint: Twenty feet.

Griffin: Alright, so it’s just going to hit these two guys. Uh, I’ll roll, uh, Klarg first. And I think I’m rolling a, eight plus your spell casting modifier which I think is six, so 14 to beat?

Clint: Uh, yes!

Griffin: I did, I rolled a 19. The ruffian rolled a-

Justin: Are you sure you rolled a 19?

Griffin: The ruffian rolled a three though. And he’s like;



Travis: So, he’s super chill about dying?



Justin: [imitating Ruffian Two] Hey, Klarg, go ahead and crash into me, buddy, I don’t care.



Justin: [jazz noises]

Griffin: And in a, uh, a smooth motion Klarg sparta-kicks this ruffian toward the two of you and rips the tarp off of this battle wagon which, uh, is a uh two-wheeled, long, sleek, uh, uh- sort of uh, rusted bronze looking like motorcycle-type battlewagon. And he hops astride it and goes, uh--



Griffin: And he uh, revs-



Griffin: He revs the engine and zooms out of the garage.



Clint: Dip!



Griffin: You, uh, the three of you actually hear, uh another sound after the revving of this engine dies down. You hear what sounds like sirens coming.

Clint: Hmm…

Travis: Oh, dip.



Travis: I guess this is-

Clint: Does Travis have battlewagon proficiency?

Travis: Do I ever! Time to skedaddle.

Clint: Actually, you do. You have vehicle proficiency, don’tcha?

Travis: Oh, I know. I’ve been bonered for it this whole adventure.

Justin: I go over and open the, um, uh, open the chest and, and, well, let me open the chest and see if-

Griffin: Well, you gotta get the key off-

Justin: I did, I already said I did that.

Griffin: Okay, A- as you- as you reach down to get the key off Maarvey, he looks up at you and goes:



Clint: We should’ve killed him.

Travis: It’s not too late.

Clint: Ah, just flick the piss off the key and let’s get out of here.

Griffin: Uh, okay, you flick the piss off the key and you pop open the chest. Uh, you take the ring of keys. He’s got several keys on it and it takes you a few seconds to find the right one for this chest, but as you pop it open, you do, uh, see a--it’s actually a really nice chest, and inside there’s this sort of velvet padded lining and there are two sort of, there’s one cube-shaped divot, uh, in- in this lining with nothing in it, and then right next to it is another, uh, is another divot, but this one is actually filled by a shining blue cube that looks like you can see sort of a, uh, a swirling white cloud inside of it. It looks like there were two- there were two in here before but now there’s just one.

Justin: Okay, great. I’ll grab that one and throw it in my bag.

Griffin: Okay! You pick it up and toss it in your bag.

Clint: Well, that’s gone forever.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: Soo, skedaddle?



Griffin: The sirens are getting louder.

Travis: I do that.

Griffin: You lift up the lever. Uh, they are, they’re breathing.

Travis: They’re sleeping.



Travis: Time to go!

Justin: Wait, what about the battle wagon?

Clint: Well, let’s drive for it!

Travis: No th-- if we- if we drive for it, that’s way incriminating.

Justin: Yeah, I guess that is true.

[Déjà Vu by Mort Garson plays]

[Commercial Break 25:51-32:17]

[Déjà Vu by Mort Garson plays]

Griffin: Oh shit! I meant to text you guys earlier, a secret thing and I completely fucking forgot.

Justin: Okay. Can you text us now?

Griffin: Uh, here’s what I want, here’s what I want. I want the three of you all to text me, right now, the animal that most encompasses your character’s state of- of being.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: The animal that most characterizes your character. I meant to do this yesterday and I forgot and don’t show the other two.

Travis: I think, I think this is right. I really thought about it, I want you to know this.

Griffin: Aw, nice.

Travis: Tell me if you feel like that’s right Griffin.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that’s real good. [Laughs] What’s that eve- okay. Okay. I love it, you all crushed it. Okay, the three of you absconded from the Hammerhead headquarters. The sirens were getting pretty loud, pretty fast. You thought that maybe this was when- when the adventure would come to an end, with you guys in the slammer. Um, but I’m proud of you for not murdering any more--

Travis: More.

Griffin: More than you did, yeah, you definitely did murder, uh, but you have made it back to uh, uh, Hurley’s garage. She, uh, slams the door behind you and she’s like,



[Travis Laughing]

Griffin: Uh, she says,



Justin: Alright, I pop the cube out of my bag and hand it to her.

Griffin: Uh, okay, she is-she is, uh, bewildered by the beauty of this engine component, uh, and uh, and a big grin spreads across her face. She says:



Griffin: She looks- she looks- she looks kind of, horrified with you actually. Uh no, she says,



Griffin: And she, uh, pops the hood of her sleek black battlewagon, and you see her fidget around with something in there. She pulls out a, uh, a big ol’ spanner and twists some stuff in there and then the engine kicks on and it is deafening, it’s like a, it’s like a beefy muscle car. I don’t know anything about cars, I should mention, just for the remainder of this campaign, so like, if I say something and you go ‘Mnah, that’s not how a car works.’ Just know that it is a fantasy world and that is how battlewagons work and and, calm down a little bit maybe there, Vin Diesel.

Justin: Got it.

Griffin: Hurley, uh, Hurley takes the three of you around a big wooden table and she unfurls a large map showing, uh,what you assume to be the race track, the battlewagon race track. Uh, and it is about a, a six-mile course that starts way deep out in the wasteland outside of the city, uh, and ends right by the cliff to the west of- of Goldcliff. Uh, it looks like you- you actually need to hit those brakes pretty hard once you hit the finish line because it ends pretty much- pretty much right on the cliff’s edge.

Travis: That’s pretty sweet. Good job, Griffin.

Griffin: Thanks! Um, she says, uh,



[Clint and Travis laugh]



Travis: Good question.



Griffin: Um. She looks kind of bummed out now that you guys-



Travis: Cheer her up!



Griffin: She reaches down under the table and she pulls out a long flat box, uh, and she pops it open.

Clint: Pizza!

Griffin: It’s-a pizza! It’s a fresh cheese pizza.

Clint: Mmmm, that’s-a nice-a pizza!

Justin: Sorry Griffin, did you say a Cheese pizza.

Griffin: Uh?

Justin: Just for me.

Griffin: No you just blended Kevin McCallister's line with-

[laughter in background]

Justin: Buzz, your girlfriend, woof.

Griffin: She opens up the box and inside is-

Justin and Travis: I made my family disappear!

Travis: That’s where I went, too!

Justin: Aaaaaaaa that’s- that’s stupid there’s really no way to modulate it, yeah.

Griffin: [After spooky scream over Justin] That one’s- still the same. She opens up the box and inside is not a pizza. It is a really big, um, black…. metal... wrench.

Justin: [crosstalk] Dildo!

[laughing]

Griffin: Damn it!

Clint: Too many pauses.

Griffin: I know, it’s a- it’s a large black metal wrench. Um, it’s, uh, it’s almost as tall as you are, Merle. And it has four, uh, green gems sort of going around the- the head of the wrench, um, and she opens it and hands it to you. And it feels- it feels heavy, but in like a good way. It’s got a good heft to it.

Travis: Like a comforting weight.

Griffin: Right. Um, she says, uh:



Clint: So, not a pizza.

Griffin: It is not a pizza, it is a- a-- it is a +1 magic mace though.

Clint: Whoa!

Justin: Cool!

Clint: Is it for keepsies?

Griffin: Uh, maybe. Maybe if you’re good.

Justin: Everything’s for keepsies if you’re sneaky about it.

Griffin: That’s a good point, Justin!

Clint: Alright! I put it in Taako’s bag.

Justin: It says- it says that quote on the back of my trading card.

Griffin: She looks you guys over, uh, sort of thinks it over and goes:



Griffin: Uh, and she pulls out-

Travis: Nope!



Griffin: She pulls out some- some black uh, sort of,

Travis: Dildos.

Griffin: Dildos. DAMNIT. [background laughing] Uh, she pulls out these black vests that are made out of these different straps and- and buckles.

Travis: Are they a little sequin-y because they remind me of like my- my show choir vests.

Griffin: No, they are not sequiny at all. They are very functional. Not- not uh-



Clint: What would Bob Fosse do?

Justin and Travis: Yeah.



Griffin: She hands you three the harnesses, Magnus and Taako, yours fit fine, uh, Merle, yours is a little bit tight in the mid section because, [some groaning in the background] uh, she’s giving you one of hers because she’s also of the small races and uh, but- but she’s not nearly as wide as you are. So it’s a little bit tight, um--

Clint: So, short and fat, these are the two things you’ve established about me today?

Griffin: So let me just go ahead and establish, it’s very tight around your tummy.

Clint: Alright, alright.

Griffin: And that’s fine!

Justin: Bet it cuts a nice silhouette though.

Griffin: It does, it looks real good.

Travis: Because it’s so tight, it’s very slimming.

Justin: Slimming, yeah.

Clint: Just like a bustier!

Travis: It’s more like Spanx.

Justin: It’s a girdle. Yeah, okay dwarf Spanx. Fantasy-

Griffin: Fantasy dude spanx. She says:



Griffin: She points out on the map.



Griffin: And she pulls out three boxes full of dildos and pizza and still those- [drowned out by laughter] She says, uh, she says:`



Griffin: Uh, she cracks the first one open and tosses it to you, uh, uh, Magnus.

Travis: Mmhm.

Griffin: And it is the head of a, uh, roaring brown grizzly bear.

Travis: Yeahh!

Griffin: It is- it looks really really intimidating, you guys can see his eyes sort of through the grizzly bear’s open mouth and. Uhh, and, uh, I’m sorry I just opened up the text that Travis sent me his animal request in and, uh, inexplicably there is a picture of Reginald VelJohnson, uh, Travis texted me a picture of Reginald VelJohnson about a week ago and I’m not a hundred percent sure why.

Clint: Well, he’s a large bear of a man.

Travis: Yeah, no reason.

Griffin: Yeah but this is completely unrelated. Uh, she says,



Griffin: And she slides the box across the table to you, uh, and as you open it, you see two adorable beady eyes looking back at you.

Justin and Clint: Awww.

Griffin: Uhh, and you see a long snout with a, uh, black nose and it’s kind of a cute furry face, uh, but in its mouth you can see a uh, a row of surprisingly sharp, kind of un-adorable teeth, and she says:



Griffin: This whole- this whole speech is coming from inside this mongoose mask which really intensifies how dramatic it is. Uh, and she-

Clint: Oh god.

Griffin: She says, uh;



Griffin: Uh, and slides the box across the table to you, and you open it up and you see two giant yellow eyes inside looking back at you, uh, surrounded by white feathers and a rugged-looking, uh, cracked yellow beak. Uh, and she says:



Griffin: Uh, yeah, so so, your mongoose mask, Taako, fits really well. Surprisingly you can see out of the little beady eyes, um, really nicely, same goes for you, uh, uh, Merle, with your owl mask.

Clint: You sure it’s not a little too small like my head’s too fat or anything like that?

Griffin: Ah, no, she- she- she tailored this real nice for you.

Clint: Okay, alright.

Griffin: Um, uh, she uh, she says:



Travis: [laughs] Star wipe!

[Justin and Clint laugh]

Griffin: The three of you- the three of you try on your different kit, she takes you over to the wagon, shows you your positions.

Travis: Griffin, are we montaging?

Griffin: Yeah, we’re montaging. Y- you-

Travis: Yes!

Griffin: You put on your masks, uh, this- this will be fun. I don’t know if we’ve ever done a montage before.

Clint: [begins humming “Rocky” theme “Gonna Fly Now”]

Griffin: Merle, you are gonna be riding shotgun, with your, uh, your big ol’-

Clint: Shotgun!

Griffin: -uh, big ol’ spanner. Imagine, I’m trying to give you an idea of the proportions of the car, imagine, like, the- the Death Proof muscle car, like a- like a long- like a long, uh, uh, Challenger, like, a flat hood pretty wide back end, big ol’ covered roof, um, so you’re going to be riding shotgun. Merle, there’s like a little, uh, component in the center of the car where like the backseat would be, where the harpoon cannon is mounted, so you’ll be sort of poking out, like, peeking out above the roof.

Travis: Wait, you mean Taako?

Griffin: Taako, yeah, sorry. Merle, you’re- you’re riding shotgun. Uh, and Magnus, uh, there are, uh, two rails running along the back, top and front of the car just like, two rails, you’re going to be strapped into those, in your harness.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Uh, able to sort of move throughout the length of the car. There’s also a handle, on the back of the car, the roof of the car and the hood of the car for you to hold onto, if things gets hairy.

Travis: Yeess!

Griffin: And she is going to-

Travis: YEESSSSSSS!!

Griffin: She’s going to be driving the car. Uh, does that all make sense?

Travis: Yes.

Justin: Where am I?

Clint: Yeeesss.

Griffin: You’re-

Justin: Where’s Taako?

Griffin: You’re in the, uh the gunner compartment, sort of in the center of the car, poking out of the back seat through the roof.

Justin: That’s cool.

Griffin: Do you not like that?

Justin: No, it’s fine.

Clint: It’s kind of a whack-a-mole kind of-

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: I’m into it.

Griffin: Alright, uh, so- so, you spend the evening- well, it’s your montage, what do you- how do you spend your evening?

Justin: I mean, is there anything that will increase our proficiency? Like, because this is a montage right? It’s not just stuff that we ourselves could learn so is there, like-

Travis: Is this? --

Justin: Are we, you know what I’m saying? Are we learning anything?

Travis: Yeah, is there stuff I can put on my boots to help me get traction on top of the car and stuff like that?

Griffin: No, do you still have your infinite heavy bean? I don’t think you do.

Travis: My infinite heavy bean? I can’t remember what happened in past episodes, I’m not a machine.

Griffin: Uh, no, you do not. It’s- it’s- it’s- I mean, it’s more like, a summer vacation montage? and less like a Rocky training montage. It’s- it’s more like, a uh, Camp Nowhere thing.

Justin: Now could I take this opportunity to unlearn spells and-

Griffin: Oh yeah, this is- this is going to be a long ass- this is a long-ass break. You guys are starting from zero, uh, cause you’re, wait a minute I don’t wanna give out any spoilers but you’re going to need all the health and magic you can get.

Travis: Griffin, is there anything I can do in this montage to increase my AC from 17 to, like, a more robust number?

Griffin: Uh, no.

Travis: [Sigh]

Griffin: Again, Camp Nowhere.

Clint: So is this- are we training?

Griffin: For god’s sake no, you’re jumping on the blob on the lake and sending each other flying and you’re having an ice cream party!

Clint: Okay, all right. [Singing] We had joy, we had fun, we ha-

Griffin: Montage, the montage is over.

Clint: Oh, shoot.

Griffin: Uh, it’s the next morning and the three o-

Travis: Morning montage!

Griffin: No-

Travis: Breakfast!

Clint: [singing] Morning has broken!-

Justin: There is an egg sizzling in a pan.

Travis: Oh, we- we got a Rube Goldberg Machine to make breakfast, we switch it on and-

Clint: Do do dodo do.

Griffin: Uh, okay, uh, the four of you wake up bright and early in the morning.

Clint: Good morning, Conky!

Griffin: In fact you you didn’t get any sleep last night, um, actually no wait, you did because you had a long rest.

Justin: Why did we montage so hard.

Griffin: You montaged so hard, in lieu of a long rest, you montaged. You all drove your- your battlewagon, uh, out into the desert to a predetermined spot before the sun even rises, uh, and uh, you see a large crate in the distance on wheels and there’s uh, a pit crew of goblins sort of watching over the crate, sort of motioning, uh, uh, Hurley inside and she drives into the crate and the door behind you, uh, lifts up and closes, so you are inside this crate. Um, she says, uh:



Griffin: So- so you spend about an half hour in there, moving hither- hither and yon.

Travis: Sweating our balls off.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s sweltering, it is- it is extremely, extremely hot. Surprisingly, your masks are nice and cool. You’re not sure what material they’re made out of, uh, they- they seem to be keeping you dry, perspiration free.

Clint: So nothing like the Cowabunga costume?

Griffin: No, nothing like the costume that we all at some point in our lives wore, uh, to celebrate the good country music coming from WTCR.

Clint: That’s it! Yeah, giant cow costume.

Griffin: There are some holes cut in the- cut in the uh- the- uh, crate that you guys are inside of, letting in beams of sunlight in, uh, and there’s also a significant amount of dust coming in. You get the idea that there is wind whipping up kind of, uh, a light dust storm outside. And as the beams of light start shining in you, you know that the sun has rose, uh, and then your crate stops moving and you hear a flurry of activity outside. You hear engines revving, you hear war cries, you hear singing, you hear, uh, some- some deep-voiced laughter, uhh, and then you hear a loud horn. [Horn SFX] And uh, and Hurley says:



[Second horn sounds]

[Laughter]

[Ending theme plays - Deja Vu]