Ep. 16: Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Seven/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:

Griffin: He, he takes this rod, he points it at the door frame and it opens up to...a...greenhouse. It’s, it’s the most gorgeous collection of plants that any of you have ever seen.



Griffin: Jenkins is holding a shitty metallic compass in his hand and sort of poring over all of the items on the ground.



Travis: Magnus turns to Taako and says:



Griffin: The meat monster trudges over to Jenkins and throws him off the, out of the open caboose door.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[1:54]

Griffin: Jess and Angus and Graham all barge into the cargo car where you have just destroyed these meat monsters and one of the meat monsters just destroyed Jenkins and Jess yells:



Griffin: And her axe appears in her hand.

Justin: So she just appeared in the car?

Griffin: Yeah, they all came into the car.



[Clint laughter]



Griffin: Angus says.

[Taako groan of reluctance]



Clint: Well why don’t you tell us your plan and how it competes with his.



Griffin: Uh, Angus leans over to you Taako and says,



Justin: I bend down and pick up the compass that he was using.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Um, and I will cast an Arcane Knowledge check to see how much I know about the.. the thing.

Griffin: Okay.

[dice rolls]

Justin: Five. Fourteen.

Griffin: Okay. Using your uh, uh, Arcane Knowledge you uh, pick up that this is not telling you sort of which direction you’re facing. It’s not a, uh, it is not a traditional compass. Uh, as you sort of move around with it around the room though, the needle is moving. And it, it almost appears to be like a sort of uh, a dowsing rod. If you will.

Justin: Right. Is there any arc-- do I get anything from the Arcane Knowledge check that I couldn’t have put together with context clues?

[Travis Laughter]

Justin: By my own damn self?

Griffin: Uh, no, you- you- you- you don’t. And Angus says uh:



Travis: And on the back it’s carved in “Captain Jack Sparrow.”



Clint: [higher pitched voice] Why don’t we examine the stuff in the…[normal voice] I almost did Taako! Why don’t we examine the stuff in the crypt safe?

Travis and Justin: Yeah like, what do we see?

Griffin: Uh, you see everybody’s weapons that have been pulled out and placed on the floor. Uh, Merle you can collect your warhammer if you want.

Clint: Thanks.

Griffin: Uh, and your shield if you want it.

Travis: Yaaay!

Justin: Say that you’re doing it.

Griffin: Uh, I can just assume that you have re-equipped yourself with all of the objects, uh, in the room. [Travis: Okay.] Uh, and then there’s some, uh, other sort of uh, valuables laying around. There’s a set of silverware, uh uh, a fine silverware that has been splayed open and, some of the uh, forks and- and knives are sort of laying all around the room. Uh, there is a briefcase that is, uh, locked up, uh, laying on the floor. There’s just sort of a bunch of valuable debris laying all around. There’s a...it’s a pretty big pile. It is all the valuable cargo that everybody in the car was bringing, uh, bringing with them. And you have this compass that seems to be sort of reacting to something in the room.

Clint: Could we not walk around the room? And be able to use that to triangulate ‘cause if it keeps pointing to that most valuable item, and we walk around the room eventually won’t it lead us right to the item?



Justin: And I toss him the compass.

Griffin: Okay. You toss Merle the compass and uh-

Travis: Meanwhile I’m keeping an eye on Jess and Ang..and uh, Graham and just kinda doing like a “nothing to see here folks, nothing to see. Uh, move it on back, move it on back”.

Clint: Keep movin’.

Travis: Nothing to see here.

Griffin: Okay, uh, yeah, Merle, the uh, the compass seems to be pointing you at something, uh, on the left side of the uh, of the cargo car. Uh, there’s a few items scattered around there. And as you move around it seems to be pointing to a certain location, uh, and as you look down at basically where the compass zeroes out, uh, it’s sort of spinning, uh, you are standing directly over a small monocle with a uh, a silvery trim around it and a uh, uh, uh, long, silver chain.

Clint: ‘Cause we do not know exactly what it is we were sent to recover.

Travis: Correct.



Justin: I no- I notice him doing it.



Clint: We are rewarding faithful listeners!



Griffin: So yeah you- you- you firmly believe that this monocle is the, uh, at the very least the most valuable item in the room.

Travis: Is it powerful?



Travis: Yeah, sure. Sounds... solid.

Clint: Are our bracers of no use? In this instant?



Griffin: Ther-- I don’t know how to tell you guys this.

Travis: Did we bring any kind of like, centrifuge?

Griffin: These- these- these bracers are not fucking tricorders. You’re not gonna set these motherfuckers to stun. They have one thing that they do.

[laughter]

Travis: Remind me what that one thing is. Just-

Griffin: It summons the transport.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: If you do that now, you’re just gonna waste a glass ball. It’s gonna crash into a mountain. Because you’re in a mountain.

Travis: Okay. So when I- when I poked it earlier, I wasted a glass ball.

Griffin: No, you- you didn’t get any signal.

Travis: Okay. Well, you know you gotta check. You gotta check your carrier at that point.

[Clint laughter]

Clint: No bars.

Griffin: Yeah, no- no bars.

Justin: Okay, I uh, I ge-- start reaching my hand towards it, but not touching. But start reaching my hand towards it to see if I’m getting any vibes.

Griffin: Okay, uh, as you begin to reach your hand towards it you, you get a vibe. The uh, the monocle starts to sort of shake and rattle, uh, on the floor and you hear a voice in your mind saying uh, “Heyyy...Heyyy buddy. Heyyyyy buddy.”

Travis: [sleazy voice] You wanna see some DVD movies?



Travis: I got all the latest releases.



Justin: Okay.



Justin: Okay, I pick up the monocle...



Justin: With- with the handle of my umbrella.

[Clint laughter]

Griffin: Okay. You scoop it up with the handle of your umbrella. Uh, you’re still gonna make a will saving throw but that’s such a good idea I’ll give you advantage on it. Um, so make a wisdom saving throw.

[dice rolls]

Griffin: And you’re gonna contest this thing’s, uh, wisdom.

Justin: Natural 2- natural 20.

Clint: Natural 20.

[dice rolls]

Griffin: That’s a 3… Yeah you..

[Laughter]

Griffin: You beat the shit out of the thrall. Okay. You have resisted the thrall of this monocle and you hear him go:



Justin: Come on.



[laughter]

Clint: He has no imagination.



Griffin: Uh, okay. You- you have beaten the thrall of this thing. What are you gonna do with it?

Justin: Um, I’m gonna throw it into my backpack. My satchel.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [laughter] Maybe wrap it up in something first.

Griffin: No, toss it in loose into your...Toss this incredibly valuable, powerful item into your fucking Jansport.

[laughter]

Griffin: Put it in- put it in the headphones chamber!

Justin: No I can’t, I can’t, um...I don’t wanna touch it so like...

Griffin: Yeah that makes sense. Uh, okay so you lower the uh, the uh, thing into, the- the monocle into your bag and sort of un-scoop it from your uh, umbrella handle and close it up. And you have contained, uh, another Relic.

Travis: Kudos all around.

Griffin: Um, something weird-- something weird happens. You’re-- As you were holding your umbrella. Uh, it also seems to, like, almost like a dowsing rod, point towards the back of the chamber, uh, right near the caboose door. And there you see uh, the uh, Jenkins’ wand. Not the uh, the port rod, but the-- his-- his wand he used for his magics. Uh, and the umbrella starts to almost like pull you--

Justin: Oh yeah.

Griffin: --pull you towards it…

Justin: I-I-I-I-I eat the wand with my uh, the Umbra Staff.

Griffin: Yeah, the Umbra Staff, uh, deploys, it opens up like uh, an umbrella and then it sort of turns inside out like uh, an umbrella in the rain, in the- in the wind. Uh, and uh, the wand, uh, flies into the mouth, basically- of your umbrella, which uh, rattles and and uh, then sort of opens and closes like it’s chewing it up and then uh, when it closes again, uh, the- the wand is gone uh, and uh, you look down and your umbrella actually has a uh, a marking on the handle- like a sigil, uh, that is actually in the shape of an umbrella, uh, on it. So your Umbra Staff just ate the wand of this wizard that you have bested.

Justin: Great.

Travis: And what happens to my Railsplitter, Griffin? Something magical like that?

Griffin: Your Railsplitter [pause] disintegrates.

Travis: [laughter] Oh no!



Griffin: Uh, Angus says:



Travis: We solved this one guys.

Clint: But we’re still hurtling towards our death.



Griffin: And Graham says, uh… Graham looks at his pocketwatch and he says:



Justin: No, he had more of, like, a hippie--

Griffin: Yeah, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right, hold on.



Clint: That’s better. And I think you have better motivation there too, that was good.

Justin: Yeah, I felt the energy from that.

Travis: Yeah, that was good. Let’s do one more, just in case, just to cover--

Griffin: I can’t, I have no voice, please, let’s just keep playing the game.

Clint: [laughter]

Justin: Um,



Clint: We gotta find the-- yeah.



Justin: I pick up the port wand.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I, let’s do, let’s do an arcane check on-- well. I feel like I’ve already done an arcane check on the wand. Like I know everything I’m gonna know about the wand, I’m not gonna learn anything else from an arcane check, right?

Griffin: Yeah! Certainly, certainly not in the next seven minutes.

Justin: Okay. I--

Travis: Is there a button on it?

Justin: I focus on...the, the engineer’s uh, room.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And point it--well hold on.



Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I, as- as people are leaving I kinda hang back and I’m like,



Griffin: Are you using everybody else’s...imagination?



Clint: And then clap if you believe in fairies.

Justin: Alright, has everybody, has everybody, has everybody done that?

Griffin: Yep! Everybody-- everybody moves in there. Are, so, you’ve moved everybody into the dining car. You’re still in the cargo car?



Travis: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

[focusing sounds, humming]

Justin: Now, while they’re doing that I scoop the remaining valuables into my bag.

[Griffin whooping laughter and Clint cackling]

Griffin: Okay, you pick up a, uh, golden tiara, you pick up the silverware set, you pick up the briefcase.

Justin: [crosstalk] Nice! Nice! Nice!

Griffin: Okay, and--



[Laughter]

Justin: I-I-I leave and I go into the adjacent car with them. I, uh, focus on the engineer’s room and I… cast the- the transportational magic on the- on the door to the uh the-the cargo caboose.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Back to the cargo car? Yeah. Okay. Uh, you [stammers] you’re gonna have to make a- some sort of check.

Justin: Yeah, right.

Clint: I didn’t think you’d be able to pull that one off.

Justin: Didn’t think so. Considering I don’t even know the word for what I’m doing-

Clint: [crosstalk] Expelliarmus!

Travis: “And I do it.”

Justin: Do a magic. I just did a magic there.

Travis: And let me check my sheet here. Yeah, it says I have a plus five “just doing it”.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, let’s- let’s just do a spellcasting, uh, modifier check, uh, you’re- you’re not- you’re not casting a spell, you are sort of channeling the spell that is imbued in this rod, which explains how you’re like capable of doing it, uhm, but- but yeah, why don’t you go ahead and uh, uh, roll just a basic intellect check.

Justin: Oh an intellect, okay. Two. Okay, my first try fizzles.

Griffin: Yeah. No, it- it doesn’t fizzle, actually. You see a uh, a figure start to take shape, uh, through the cargo car door. And you can see into the engineer’s car, but it kind of looks like a cartoon. Like, everything is like really squiggly, and uh--

Clint: Oh, like the Ah-Ha video!

Justin: Yeah like the Ah-Ha video.

Griffin: Yeah, you have basically created the Ah-Ha video but it’s in the engineer’s car.

Clint: [Singing] Take….on….me!

[15:54]

Justin: Okay, I try- I try again.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: Okay, uh, but af-- before you cast your second spell, through the windows of the dining car light starts to pour in, uh, as you have moved out of another mountain and uh, Graham says, uh:



Justin: Okay, I got a 19.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, this time you do it and the rod, uh, uh, uh, uh-- a silvery, uh, web of light shoots out and fills the door and you can see with perfect clarity the engineers’ car. Uh, it’s- it’s kind of disorienting because you’re facing backwards but through the front windshield of the train you see the train moving forwards, uh, and yeah, you can see into the engineer's car.

Travis: Okay, let’s go in there. We go in there.

Justin: We all go in there.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: We’re in there.



Griffin: Graham says uh--



Griffin: Graham-- Graham says, uh:



[Laughter]

Clint: Still don’t want to acknowledge video games exist, okay.



Clint: Should we-

Travis: Ha, Video James.

Clint: You know Video James!

Justin: Cool dude. Ladies love cool Video James.

Griffin: Uh, he says, uh, he says, uh



Griffin: And he grabs uh, uh, the brake lever of the train.

Travis: I pop the pill - I pop the bean in my mouth.

Griffin: You pop the bean in your mouth. Uh, i-- that thing’s gonna run out of magic pretty soon. You don’t have an infinite heavy bean.

Travis: Infinite bean!

Griffin: Infinite heavy bean!

Clint: Griffin, he ain’t heavy, he’s your brother.

Travis: Boom.

Griffin: And he rears back full strength on the brake lever, and it doesn’t move. And Graham says:



Griffin: And he tries it again.

Travis: Now Griffin, just - just to clarify before we move forward: Graham’s been training his whole life to pull a lever? There’s not like an intricate button pushing process, he doesn’t need to know how to work the computer?

Griffin: Uh, well--

Travis: He’s been training his whole life to pull a lever?

Griffin: As the brake refuses to move, Graham actually starts furiously punching buttons in the console and, uh, twisting knobs and- and moving other levers. And uh, he looks over at a panel on the left side of the console and says, uh:



Travis: ...No.

Clint: We burned ‘em up, pretty much.

Justin: Yeah I thought they were disintegrated, is what you said.

Clint: Is it possible we can disconnect the locomotive from the rest of the train?



[Crosstalk]

Clint: Have you met us?

Justin: That’s some other D&D tr-- game’s problem.

Clint: Yeah, let-let ‘em fix-

Griffin: Wait a minute, wait a minute:



[Laughter]

Clint: But we’d be safe.

Justin: I just, I- I’m just living out my lifelong dream of reenacting the end of Silver Streak. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Griffin: Uh, Graham is- is punching in other buttons and Angus is li-:



Justin: I dunno.

Griffin: Graham say- Graham says:



Travis: Uhhhh.

Justin: Just give me a second- just give me a second to think.

Clint: I say we disconnect the - we blow up the locomotive and disconnect it. And we stay in the back part.

Justin: We have no, we have no like, I don’t- I don’t know that we have anything with that much power.

Travis: We need to access an area that has that much power-

Justin: Nothing can come through the door though.

Travis: -to port the locomotive to somewhere else?

Justin: Do- do- Ok.



Travis: Magnus rushes in.



Justin: I- I take the port wand and I go into the engineer’s car, okay?

Griffin: Uh, okay.

Justin: Okay, and I- is there access to the roof or to the front of it, somewhere I can go stand?

Griffin: Well you wouldn’t be able to because you are in the illusory, you are in the- the port version of the engine car. So you can’t leave it except through any way that you went out. Yeah. There are other ways out the train though. There’s a door, uh, that you came through when you first boarded the train, right in front of the passenger car which is right behind the engine car.

Justin: Okay, I’ll go do that.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: And I just need to get outside.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You are - okay, so you have popped open the door, uh, that you boarded the train through, in front, uh,- between sort of the engine car and the passenger car, uh, befor-- between the first and second cars on the train, and you have opened it and, uh, are hanging out.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Where is everybody else? I- I’m assuming they’ve left the engine car? Because they’ll be destroyed, if not.

Justin: It’s kind- It’s kind of up to them.

Clint: Well, uh, we’re not sure what he’s thinking about. Are you thinking about creating a port and having the train go through it but in the opposite direction?

Justin: What I’m thinking about, is I’m going to use this wand to change the gate into Neverwinter into a gate to Phandalin, because it’s the only place I know of that’s completely empty and made of glass.

Travis: Perfect.

Griffin: Well it would have to be - it would have to be in to a room with one entrance, but I like where your head’s at a lot.

Travis: Open it to Jenkins’ garden! Fuck that dude!

Justin: How big is Jenkins’s garden?

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, big enough for a train to crash into probably.

Justin: Excellent!

Clint: How about Tom Bodett’s house?

Justin: Tom Bodett we’re coming for you!

Travis: Can we get both of them?

Justin: We’re gonna come for you-- No, that’s good. I’ve seen Jenkins’ garden, I’ve watched him open the door, I know how to do it. I can - I can change the gate at the last second into a door into Jenkins’ garden.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Cast levitate on all of us.

Justin: No no listen, I - we’ve got this. You just have to trust me.

Clint: [Laughing] No wait a minute!

Travis: Well…

Clint: He’s got a backpack full of stolen shit!

Griffin: You don’t know that.

Justin: Okay, listen-

Travis: Okay. Done, fuck it. You know what? I trust you Taako. I lay my hand on his shoulder.



Clint: I lay my- I lay my hand on his hip and say:



Griffin: And then you dip. He dip. We dip, we dip.



Clint: What’s the range of the port wand.

Griffin: You - you have no way of knowing that.

Travis: Make us all lighter, anchor so we’re floating out the back.

Clint: Yeah!

Justin: Wait, what?

Travis: So tie it off to the crypt safe, we go out the back door so we’re, like, separate from the train.

Justin: But we don’t - I don’t - I don’t have enough levitates to do that. I can’t levitate all of us.

Travis: Then levitate an object.



Griffin: Yep. Yeah I mean, this is not a suspended bridge -

Justin: Yeah it’s a stupid garden, I’ll fall in some daffodils or something.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Y-- so wait, you’re gonna wait until you’re inside the garden to jump out?

Travis: No.

Justin: No. No.

Clint: Cast the portal, jump out.

Justin: Cast the portal, jump off.

Griffin: This, uh, as you - as you lean out you are, uh, overlooking just sort of a plain, uh, type area, uh, with some other tracks running through it, sort of like a railyard.

Justin: Uhh.

Clint: I’m not saying it wouldn’t hurt.

Griffin: I’m not - Yeah, I’m saying if you jumped out you wouldn’t fall 150 feet to your death.

Justin: Okay, great. Let - how close are we to the gate though?

Griffin: Uh, I mean you’re - you’re 50 yards.

Justin: Perfect. Okay. Can- I mean - am I close enough that I could cast the spell or do I need to wait longer?

Griffin: Uh, I mean you can give it the old college try.

Justin: Oh great, okay. I’ll wait until…



Griffin: Okay.

Justin: ‘Cause I don’t wanna risk it.

Griffin: Uh, Angus says:



Clint: God, hit him.

Justin: I push Angus off the train.



Clint: He falls under the wheels!

Justin: No!

Clint: Tom Bodett style! You got Bodett’ed!

Griffin: No he - you- you throw this canary in the mineshaft off the train. Uh, you see him roll….a good distance. Uh, and, uh, he’s - he sits up and gives you a thumbs up, but he’s missing two teeth.

Justin: Great, okay. Is everybody else - uh, can everybody else hop off?

Travis: I jump, but I tuck and roll so as to incur no damage.

Griffin: Acrobatics check!

Travis: I rolled a 45!

Griffin: Nope, that’s not a number.

Travis: Uh, uh oh, what - no, that’s not good, I’m gonna die.

Griffin: You won’t di- you won’t die die.

Travis: Won’t I? I only have one hit point Griffin.

Griffin: I mean that’s not death.

Travis: Uh, I rolled a 12.

Griffin: Okay, yeah that’s gonna hurt. [Rolls] It’s two hit points, which in- in any other circumstances I think would be a really good number to get.

Travis: Ugh.

Griffin: Uh, you see Magnus go off the train. He does not sit up and give a thumbs up.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, next. Who’s jumping off?

Clint: I’m not jumping off yet. Let Josh--J-- let Jess and, uh, Juicy jump off.

Griffin: Okay, Jess and uh, Jess, uh, leaps off effortlessly. She actually, like, jumps off and then manages to, like, land on her feet running and just sort of stops moving. Perfect, like a cat.

Travis: Why didn’t I do that?

Griffin: ‘Cause you-- she’s way cooler than you are. Like way way way cooler. And just sort of way better at... everything?

Travis: Fine.



Travis: [Laughing] Okay, get - get!



Justin: I p- I push him off the train too.



Griffin: And, uh, he is - he is now off the train. Uh, I think that’s everyone.

Justin: Well, uh, Merle and I are still on.

Griffin: Okay, you and Merle are still on the train.



Griffin: Okay.

Justin: ‘Kay.

Clint: It’ll be real easy to concentrate when you’re rolling across those railroad ties.

Justin: No I mean I’ll hop up at the last second, it’s gonna be sweet.

Clint: That will be really cool.

Justin: Well let me get an acrobatic - what is it? What kind - do I need to do an acrobatics check? Or am I -

[Crosstalk]

Griffin: Yes, both of - both of- both of you are making acrobatics checks.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Okay. Uh, sixteen plus two. Eighteen.

Clint: Uh, fourteen minus one. Thirteen. Oh no, no I leveled that up. It’s zero. It’s just fourteen.

Griffin: Fourteen and what did you get, Taako?

Justin: Eighteen.

Griffin: Eighteen. Uh, ok Merle takes a little bit of damage.

Clint: Ow.

Griffin: Uh, five damage. Uh, but Taako you do not! Uh, you are - you l- you land almost as gracefully as uh, as Jess did. Which is pretty impressive. Uh.

Justin: Great. And then I cast the - I focus on Jenkins’ garden and I cast - uh, uh, I use the transport wand on the gate into Neverwinter.

Griffin: Okay. Seconds before the train goes through the gate you point the port wand at the gate and make a spellcasting check.

Clint: [Laughing]

Justin: Nineteen plus five. Twenty-four.

Griffin: Twenty-four? Okay, you see in a flash, uh, the train platform of Neverwinter disappear, uh, and in its place, uh, you see a lush garden. Uh, the train goes into it. Uh, you hear a cacophonous smash as the, uh, the glass, uh, container of the greenhouse comes smashing down. Uh, you see, uh, greenery just sort of go flying, uh, colliding with the back of the gate and just sort of stopping in midair and falling to the ground. Uh, and the train goes through, and as the, uh, container of the greenhouse is destroyed, uh, the spell shuts off, and with a loud pop, uh, the spell is interrupted and the train has vanished.



Clint: [Laughing]



Travis: And--and-and Merle and Magnus just kind of glare at Taako…



Justin: [Laughter]



Travis: [Laughter]

Justin: Um, Griffin, can you say something about how we solved your train mystery?

Griffin: Oh, yeah-- I mean, you actually did solve my--my murder puzzle. You-you-you have literally, uh, for once, solved my Puzzle of. ..

Clint: --Murder! . ..

Griffin: Of- of-- You’ve solved my train puzzle.

Clint: Yeah!

Justin: Yaay.

[Commercial 30:25-36:01]

Griffin: Is somebody going to keep Magnus from dying?

Travis: That would be great!

Justin: I asked Graham to check on him.

Clint: Don’t we have healing potions?

Justin: ---that works.

Griffin: Graham-- Graham runs over to him and says:



Justin: Do--will--do potions work on him if he’s, like, past that--that point?

Griffin: Yeah, sure, okay.

Travis: Well, What's--What’s your stabilize patient thing do, Dad?

Justin: Oh, Yeah! Can’t you use that?

Griffin: Yeah, you’ve been tryin’ to use it all day.

Clint: Yeah, I can use it.

Justin: [Laughing]

Griffin: [Laughing]

Clint: Well, uh, I mean, what kept me from doing it before?

Travis: I wasn’t actually at zero.

Griffin: Nobody was dead.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: He hadn’t jumped out of a train bad yet.

Clint: [Laughing]

Griffin: Okay--

Travis: Two points of damage isn’t that bad! I would challenge anyone to jump out of a train, and that was like stubbing a toe, but that had just happened to be enough that I died of toe-stubbage.

Clint: Okay, Spare the Dying; You touch a living creature that has zero hit-points, the creature becomes stable.

Griffin: Okay, you- you run back towards, uh, towards Magnus and touch him, lovingly, upon the hip and uh--

Clint: Can I do the- the ‘brushing the lock of hair off his forehead’ thing? ‘Cause I--

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Yes you may.

Clint: That's so sweet.

Griffin: Yeah, you do that and uh, he is, uh, stable. Uh, which means he's basically at zero hit-points and he's not gonna die. Um, but he does need to be- he does need to get some- some HP’s back, um. So, he-- a healing potion would probably go down real smooth right now.

Justin: Well... isn't there probably an inn, or something in--, that we could just walk to?

[Snickering]

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: Let's just walk.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Wouldn't that be better?

Clint: We’ll c- we could carry him.

Justin: Yeah, let’s carry him.

Griffin: Okay. I like that, so--

Travis: I- I’m very light, I’ve got levitating boots.

Justin: Yeah, so, he's got levitating boots let's just carry him.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, so you, uh, put an arm around, uh, each of your guys’ shoulders, and you carry him back in, uh, to the train platform, uh, you’ve got, uh, Angus, and Jess, and Graham in tow, uh, little battered, little bruised-- not Jess, ‘cause she did- did a great job, uh--

Travis: Because she’s the best.

Griffin: She’s just, super, super good at fighting, and acrobatics and stuff. Uh, but yeah--you walk into the station, and standing on the platform are a bunch of very well-dressed, uh, people with luggage who are just looking at you, mouth agape, because they just watched a fucking train disappear. Uh, and uh, the authorities run up, the Neverwinter Militia run up, uh, and Angus produces a, uh, a small badge from inside his jacket, and goes,



Griffin: Uh, and goes and starts to talk to them, uh, and the uh, the chaos, uh, of this scene eventually subsides, uh, a little bit, and you are inside the platform. Jess turns to you and goes,



Clint: I thought that-- I thought that was gonna be the next question, yeah, okay.



Clint: Ohhh, that’s good!



Clint: [Laughing]



Travis: Wait…



Travis: Are we in, is Neverwinter in a world that exists, like, thousands of years before Indiana Jones? Like, are we-- are we in the past? Are there dinosaurs?

Griffin: It’s up to you.

Clint: [Cross-talk] Or are we in the future?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, Jess-- Jess takes off, uh, and Graham uh, uh, walks up to you guys and says, uh,



Travis: I hug-- I hug Graham, and whisper in his ear,



[Laughter]



Griffin: [Laughing] Wha--“Tell it to the bees?”



Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: And he walks off, into the crowd. Uh, and Angus walks away from the, uh, the militia who have started to disperse, uh, uh, off the platform and he walks up to you and says, uh,



Griffin: Uh huh, uh--and then, f--fucking Reginald VelJohnson shoots him.

[Laughter]

Justin: And then Reginald VelJohnson’s like, "No ticket.” or like, “Let us--”

Clint: [laughing, crosstalk] That’s his!

Justin: [crosstalk] First off, first off, that’s a trademark...violation. Second, it doesn’t even make any sense.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: But it is nice to know that Reginald Veljohnson has learned to kill again.

Griffin: Right.

Justin: And it’s nice that he’s a fan of the show, apparently!

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh... Tr--Angus looks at you and goes, “I shot a kid.”

[Laughter]

Griffin: That’s...That’s the best, that’s the best line reading of anything in the world, but--I know we’re going completely off the rails right now, but, “I shot a kid.” is the best… any line has ever been delivered in the world. Uh, Angus says--

Travis: [laughing] His name was Urkel.

Griffin: Uh--

Travis: That dude.

Griffin: Angus says, uh, uh,



Griffin: And he, uh, pulls out, uh, the rusted compass, out of his pocket, and uh--

Clint: I take it!

Griffin: Okay, and he hands it to Merle, and Merle, you pop it open and it seems to be pointing...toward Taako’s bag, which is weird, but you don’t--

Clint: [crosstalk] Ooh, okay.

Justin: [crosstalk] I have--I have the monocle in there.

Griffin: Oh.

Travis: Oh, um, quick OOC moment...um, how good was the OC? Um, we’re walkin’ away from this with the monocle, the compass, AND the port wine, right? “Port wine”--the port wand.

Griffin: Yes.

Clint: Aha...

Travis: Oh, shit! We forgot to get Pringles for our roommate.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, no--well, well I mean, you did--

Clint: [crosstalk] Well, we haven’t left yet.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, there’s still--

Travis: Is there like a news stand on the train station or something where I could pick up, like they have something like Sour Patch Kids, or--

Griffin: J--Angus says, Angus says,



Griffin: And he retrieves... it’s a miniature, it’s like one of those snack size canisters, and it’s Sour Cream & Onion which is not the best kind of Pringle--

Clint: No.

Griffin: But he says,



Travis: [laughing]



Justin: And I hand him three forks.

Clint: [laughing]



Griffin: Uh, he s--he says--

Travis: Hey, I’m still dying!

Griffin: Uhuhuh, yeah, that’s true. Uh, he says,



Griffin: And... He hands you a card that just says “Angus McDonald” on it, uh, but there’s no phone number or anything ‘cause phones don’t exist, so it’s not the best business card, but he gives it to you anyway.

Clint: [laughing]

Travis: We’ll use the port wand to find him.

Justin: [crosstalk] Does it have his LinkedIn address? Then I can find him on LinkedIn, just do that.

Clint: [laughing]

Griffin: Yeah. ...Uh, okay.

Travis: Chainli--ChainlinkedIn.

Griffin: Oh, I get it.

Clint: That was good!

Griffin: Yeah!

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Uh, so yeah, you stop by the Neverwinter Clinic, I’m guessing, to uh keep your--

Travis: [laughing] To get the bumps on our genitals checked out!

[laughter]

Griffin: This guy’s almost dead and you guys all have syphilis; what happened?

[laughter]

Griffin: How can this be? And uh, yeah, you’ve, you’ve, you’ve--that’s all of the content I’ve created. So what do you wanna do now? Let’s just fuckin’ freestyle it.



Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I think it would be worth--we have fifteen minutes--I think it would be really a good use of our time to develop some character voices. Because I think that this nonsense of saying, “I’m saying this in character, I’m not saying in character,” and I think it’s getting confusing. For me, it’s very easy to tell ‘cause I have this distinguishing factor.

Travis: Do you think--Okay, what about this for Magnus--

Griffin: But a few, a few requests. Don’t be--Don’t make them so terrible.

Travis: Uh huh.

Griffin: And unlistenable. No Scottish acc-- no Spanish accents, no Scottish accents.

Justin: Right.

Travis: This is, this is my suggestion for Magnus.

Griffin: Just tweak it.

Travis: [crosstalk] If Magnus talked like this.

Justin: [crosstalk] All right, Dad and I’ll listen and just kinda like see what grabs us.

Clint: Okay.



Griffin: See, I like that.

Travis: Yeah?

Griffin: It’s simple, it’s gruff, it’s- it’s just a slightly modified--



Griffin: Well, you’re getting--

Clint: [crosstalk] Now you’re getting all Sean Connery.

Justin: [crosstalk] A little Sean Connery.



Griffin: Gruff, gruff. See, it’s fucking hard, isn’t it? Doing one voice. Try doing eight, and they’re all on the same train.

Clint: Yeah, done it for forty years. So go ahead.

Justin: Burn.

Griffin: Well this is, I-- Next time, you can DM, and all the NPC’s will be Ducky Crabtree or something.

[laughter]

Travis: Dad, I think-- yeah, Dad, I think Merle should sound like Ducky Crabtree. Could you do a little Ducky for us now.

Griffin: Ducky Crabtree is our dad’s famous radio personality that he created.

Justin: One of many! Don’t forget, like, Spud Rimshot.

Griffin: Spud Rimshot, yeah. But for me, it’s a-- I’m a Ducky Crabtree man at heart.

Justin: Well okay, everyone’s got their own--

Clint: Gosh really, Ducky as the uh, huh, okay.

Travis: Do it. Do it, coward.

Clint: Um, all right. I will.

Griffin: How long’s it been since you’ve, uh, d- dusted off ol’ Ducky? Pulled him off the shelf?

Clint: [laughing] It’s been a long time! Been about two and a half years, I guess! [laughing]

Travis: All right, let’s hear him.

Clint: Okay, um.



Clint: I think that might be a little distracting.

Travis: [crosstalk] Pretty good.

Griffin: [crosstalk] That’s pretty good, because that’s also things that you would do, which is try to cast spells when you can’t.

Clint: Well, that was the-- that was my ironic joke there.

Griffin: It was good! Uh, I-- Let’s keep workshopping Merle.

Clint: All right.

Griffin: Because that’s gonna be, that’s gonna be rough to listen to a lot of.

Clint: Yeah. Um--

Griffin: Ducky Crabtree is good in short bursts.

Clint: Now, are we set on-- Are we set on, uh, Magnus? On that kind of deep and gruff?

[Crosstalk]

Travis: Is it ‘cause that’s what you wanted for Merle?

Clint: Well I was thinkin’ if Merle were short...

Justin: Well why don’t you lean in to sort of like your Pan roots, you know, like some of your more nature…

Griffin: Yeah, I gotta say you just destroyed a beautiful garden, and that seems like n-- a non-crunchy thing to do.

Justin: Non-crunchy, yeah.

Clint: Oh it hurt. It hurt. Uh…

Justin: Maybe something in that crunchy range. Is there something in that sort of like, granola hippy place that you could go?

Clint: Hmm, let’s see.

Travis: You know what I’m picturing? I’m picturing if Danny DeVito were, like, a devout, crunchy dude.

Justin: [quietly] What does that sound like?

Griffin: And he- and he might be.

Justin: He may be, I don’t know him that well, personally.

Clint: Devout crunchy, so...

Justin: Mmhmm.

Clint: [In a higher, raspy voice] So maybe if it was a little more natural? Maybe along the lines….

[Crosstalk]

Griffin: Well less-- less Gary - I want you to take the Gary Sinise knob, and I want you to turn it to fucking zero.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: Yeah, but that’s close. I like that direction.

Justin: Yeah I like the direction too.

Clint: Alright, so a little raspy. Maybe raspy?

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: [In Merle’s voice] That would hurt, I don’t know if I could - Okay, uh, yeah maybe that would work. That goes away from Magnus.

Griffin: There we go, there we go, there we go.-

Justin: Yeah!

Travis: I - I really think that’s it.

Clint: It’s almost a Clint Eastwood feel.

Justin: Yeah, like an effete Sam Elliott.

Clint: Yeah.

[Laughing]

Clint: Oh, okay, maybe even a little lower. Where you goin’ with that? Or do you want it up a little higher?

Travis: Well don’t get too gruff, or you’re getting in to Magnus territory.

Griffin: Yeah and you’re getting, you’re getting into a weirdly sexual character.

Clint: So let’s go with raspy, and high.

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: And kind of an earthy, uh, yeah alright.

Justin: Kind of a Bob Ross vibe.

Travis: I want you to say “Have you heard the good news about Pan today?”

Clint: Have you heard the good news about Pan today?

Justin: Yeah I like that.

Travis: Yeah, I think you got it.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re in it.

Clint: Let me open up this, uh, Teen Extreme Bible and read a few passages.

Travis: What I like is that you’ve got a good combination of like crunchy granola and also kinda creepy youth minister.

Justin: [In a Creepy Youth Minister Voice] You guys wanna see some really - u-- really realistic unicorn paintings?

Clint: Hey there you go. Hey that almost sounds like a late FM disc jockey too.

Justin: Check out the side of my van.

Clint: Alright we got Peter Cetera now, coming up.

Griffin: Definitely, definitely a core competency.

Justin: Do kids like Bit o’ Honey?

Griffin: Nobody likes Bit o’ Honey. Uh, are you - so anybody wanna go back to the moon?

Travis: Oh yeah! Let’s activate our bracers!

Clint: How-- What’s the response time on calling the crystal balls?

Griffin: Uh, it depends -

Travis: About 10 minutes.

Griffin: Depends on how far away you are from the - from the headquarters.

Clint: Alright, and it really doesn’t make any sense for us to go shopping in town, cause there’s nothing we’re not gonna be able to find-

Griffin: Oh baby, Fantasy Costco’s got everything!

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: And in bulk!

Clint: Mmmmm.



[Crosstalk]



Griffin: Unfortunately you owe the clinic 15,000 gold pieces.



[Laughter]



Griffin: Uh, okay. Uh, you’re gonna have to find a safe spot, I’m guessing maybe you want to head out of town, so that nobody sees your, uh-

Clint: Balls?

Griffin: Your balls.

Travis: Yeah, we do that.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That thing you just said.

Griffin: Uh, alright, yeah, you are able to summon a ball from the southeast. Uh, over the mountains you see uh, uh, one of these crystal spheres shoot down, and uh is rocketing towards you in the uh, the plains, uh, just outside of the Neverwinter city limits. Uh, it slows down very slightly before it hits the ground, it’s still -

Travis: Oh I forgot to ask, what band is on this episode of Neverwinter City Limits?

[laughter]

Griffin: That’s pretty good.

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: It’s, uh…it’s the….it’s uh….what’s a funny band?

[laughter]

Clint: Bananarama?

Griffin: It’s Morris Day and The Time. So you may not - you may not wanna leave. You may wanna catch The Time. Uh, yeah this - this sphere collides with the ground, leaves a little skid mark on entry. And, uh, the door, uh, pops open.

Travis: We get in.



Griffin: Okay, you are floating back toward the moon, back over the mountains, uh, you can see the- the Teeth below you, you see the Letterman’s Basin, uh, below you, uh, it’s another beautiful scene. Uh,you’re floating up, it’s midday as you’re moving up. Uh, up, up, up, over the clouds and as you penetrate the cloud layer, uh -

Clint: The credits start to roll.

Griffin: The credits start to roll, soft accordion music is playing, uh, and uh, you -

Clint: [Singing] Que sera, sera….

Griffin: And you see the moon above you getting closer, much closer and then uh, a small hole opens up in it and you fly up into the moon. And uh, are received in the, uh, the launch room by - oh fuck, what’s his name - Avi!



Griffin: You are received by Avi, who says, uh:



Travis: Well, hold on. Avi’s great and all, but we did just collect another article. I thought maybe we’d get some kind of hero’s welcome. Like end of, like, uh, what is it. End of New Hope.

Griffin: Uh, nope. Nothing like that!

Travis: [Laughing] Okay!

Griffin: I-- This is, uh--

Clint: Griffin, I wanna know something? Do you have a wall, like the homicide detectives, you know that’s just covered with pictures of all these people like Avi and -

Justin: You know Avi -

Griffin: And Johann…

Clint: How do you keep it straight?

Griffin: Uh, all in my domepiece, brother.

Justin: That’s amazing.

Griffin: I got a w-- I got a-- I got a murder wall in my brain.

Travis: [Laughing]

Justin: That’s - that’s weird.



Clint: Whoaaaaa!

Griffin: I get it!

Justin: And I jump - and then we all three jump into the air and fuckin’ freezeframe. And it says -

Travis: For six minutes.

Justin: It says “Miller Boyett Productions” at the end of the episode.

Clint: Sit Ubu, sit.

Travis: [Sort of sings Deja Vu]

Justin: Good dog.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, the entire Quantum Leap theme plays, and you unfreeze and uh, Avi leads you back to the Director’s chamber. Uh, and she says, uh:



Griffin: Uh, and, uh, wheels out another one of those heavy lead balls, uh, led by a, uh, heavily armed guard who wheels it up to you on a tray and pops the, uh, pops a hole open in the, uh, the lead ball. Points towards it and says uh:



Clint: Where’s Davenport?!

Justin: I-I have a question. If I, um - if I’ve already resisted the thrall of it, am I cool to -

Griffin: Yeah you’re cool.

Justin: Okay. I take out the monocle and I put it in the ball.

Griffin: Okay. As he shuts the, uh, the window pane door of the, uh, of this lead ball you hear uh, a voice from inside go:



Clint: [Laughter]

Griffin: And, uh, the guard wheels the lead ball out of the room-

Travis: Man, we didn’t even get to play with the monocle.

[Crosstalk]

Clint: We don’t even know what it does!

Griffin: Uh, and, uh, wheels it into the cerebro chamber, uh, and the Director pulls the curtain so you can see into the chamber. Same thing happens - the lead ball floats up, uh, columns of light, uh, shoot through it, uh, and then the ball descends. Uh, the, uh, guard comes into the chamber, wheels the ball out, back into the room and opens it up, and it is empty.



Griffin: Uh, and the Director says, uh:



[Crosstalk]

Travis: Uh Griffin, in case you’re wondering, this is the scene at which, uh, we start to plant the seed of like oh, twenty episodes from now when Magnus like splinters off and is like “We can use these for good”. This is the beginning of it.

Griffin: Oh, I see I see I see.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: Yeah, this is the endgame, we’re setting the scene for the endgame.

Justin: Right.

Travis: Yeah, this all begins now.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: The Director says, uh:



Clint: Led by Dark Magnus.



Clint: [Laughing] Oh ho! Jump in the air and high five again!

[Crosstalk about high fives and freeze frames]



[Giggling]



Travis: We made some - we made some good friends and we grew closer as a group along the way. I would say it was very satisfying as far as storytelling goes.



Griffin: D-- And Davenport comes out.



Griffin: And, uh, walks up to you with a silver tray with three more Fantasy Gashapon tokens on it and a sack containing 2100 gold pieces.



[Travis and Clint absolutely lose it]



Clint: And here’s the bad thing, only one of us actually uses a CPAP machine! Why am I laughing?



Griffin: It’s pretty funny.

Clint: Alright, then in that case no perception check, let him keep it.

Justin: I don’t mean to pick on you Dad. Once I get started it’s hard to stop. It’s like a runaway train!

Clint: Ha! High five!

Justin: High five! Freeze frame! How much longer? Are we done?

Clint: [Laughing] We’re done.

[CREDITS MUSIC]