Ep. 54: The Suffering Game - Chapter Four/Transcript

Episode 54 - The Suffering Game - Chapter Four (part of TAZscripts on Tumblr)

Griffin: Previously on The Adventure Zone:

[Theme music playing in background.]

Griffin: Your decision; trust. Their decision, and in bright red letters the word 'forsake' appears.



Griffin: One of these giant pieces of like a washing machine sized piece of industrial machinery falls from the ring on the ceiling and lands on you.

Justin: You're gonna kill America's favourite wizard.

[Laughter & dice rolls]

Griffin: You see a severed human head, and then its eyes open and it goes-



Travis: Magnus does not react.



Travis: [laughs] That’s good.



[Intro music]



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson] {1:29}

[dice rolling in background]

Griffin: How do you dungeons? And dragons? I wish we could have somebody on the call who made the game that could be like, 'Oh it’s been like a month and a half lemme-’ Show me how to dungeons. And how to dragons.

Travis: Teach me how to dungeons.

Griffin: You can’t just do one of them.

Justin: I've got these dice in front of me, is that part of it?

Griffin: You think we just roll those and dragons come out of 'em?

[crosstalk] {01:53}

Clint: There’s that popper ball in the middle and we push down on it.

Griffin: It’s a Pop-o-matic situation.

Clint: Pop-o-matic!

Justin: That’s why they call it D&D. Dice and dragons.

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: [unconvinced] Hmmm. Let’s get back into it--

Justin: My daughter calls 'em dreidels.

Griffin: Aw, that’s--

Clint: Aw, she does!

Griffin: --that’s simply inaccurate.

Justin: Daddy's dreidels.

Griffin: That’s a thing already.

Griffin: So you boys are in a bit of a pickle after the last round in Wonderland didn’t go so great, I mean you won, you're alive. Whatever. You got a new head friend, that lives in Travis' backpack, I guess--

Justin: What was his name?

Travis: Remind me what was his name?

Clint: Cam.

Griffin: Dad gets the memory award, which is the first--

Clint: That’s the first time.

Griffin: First time! Pin that on his vest, so congrats. You are back in the wonder wheel room and the theme song to that is, of course, a fun parody of the song Wonderwall by Oasis, that I’ve written and I'll sing for you right now.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: So, let’s go ahead and get moving. You, you are back--

Justin: [sings, to the tune of Sesame Street] It is time, was gonna be a time, when you and I were gonna get it straight, we were gonna do our best together, but now we're not gonna get it together, Wonderwall! Jiga jiga ji- Th- This isn’t how parodies work.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: It’s also not how the song--

Travis: [crosstalk] No! The music and words were different and you didn’t even say wonder wheel!

Justin: It’s a thematic re-imagining.

Clint: I thought we were doing the Fred Savage thing.

Justin: It's a meditation on Wonderwall.

Travis: Wonderwall deconstructed.

Griffin: This is not your Daddy's Wonderwall.

Justin: You guys like Westworld, right? Just like Westworld.

Griffin: More or less. So you're back in the wheel room. If you will remember, the elves sensed a fourth presence in the room, and so there are four lights above the door across this big circular room– it's about the same shape and size as all of the other rooms that you've been in since you've been in Wonderland, and you have the wheel in the middle and it's time to roll your ball! .....There's no ball. Spin the wheel.

Travis: Just--a reminder, Ditto, because it has been six years since we played, what happens if we refuse to do whatever comes up on the wheel?

Griffin: A penalty.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: That’s all you know.

Clint: Could you be more vague?

Griffin: I don’t know, Chandler. [laughs] I love him, I love his humour, super South Park humour, very random.

Justin: I love that, very 90’s show.

Griffin: Who is going first? And, also, someone is gonna have to go two times.



Clint: I'll go twice.

Griffin: Oh, wow, big bold-

Clint: to spin the Wheel... of... Torture!



Justin: Just click the pad dad, just click the--



Griffin: While you're saying this he literally can’t figure out how to spin the wheel, he’s like, grabbing it by the spokes, moving it one direction, but then like, twisting it back the other direction and he’s just having some trouble clicking the image on the website.



Clint: Yeah I did! I mean-



Griffin: Oh, shit... Let me do a judgement call with Justin and Travis, real quick sidebar, is it more interesting if we do other stuff or should I just really just keep blasting dad's eyes.

Travis: Uhh-

Justin: Let’s just go with the eye I guess.

Travis: Yeah, go with the eye, my man.



Griffin: Uh- you hear the male elf say,



Griffin: The arrangement that you made with Cam was that you would take his sacrifices because he doesn’t have anything else to sacrifice really.

Travis: I mean he's got eyes.

Griffin: That’s fair.

Justin: He's got eyes though.

Griffin: Uh- You can hear Cam from your bag say like,



Griffin: Alright!



[Someone gasps]



Griffin: And you hear the other elf, the female elf say, Is

Clint: Do I have a third eye?

[Justin & Griffin laugh]

Griffin: No, but you do have a third nipple.

[Justin laughs]

[crosstalk] {07:15}

Griffin: That ain’t on the table.

Clint: That’s off the table. Alright.

Griffin: You can’t see through it! And, you can say no.

Clint: Which arm is the tree arm?

Griffin: Your non-dominant arm. Or no, no, no, I’m sorry. Your dominant arm, remember? ‘Cause you reached out and grabbed it with your dominant arm and the bracer is on your non-dominant arm, and you still have your bracer, so I’m gonna guess your right arm? Right? ‘Cause you're right handed? Or are you a southpaw?

Clint: No, no- Right arm.



Travis: Woah.

[Justin says something unintelligible]

Griffin: Okay. At just- as soon as you say that Merle, your depth perception just like shifts and it’s a little- it’s like- it’s fucking weird and-

Justin: Is it like that, Griff? Or is it like he closed one eye?

Griffin: I mean it’s, yeah, it’s like that but also-

Justin: It’s like the world is spinning around? I mean he just closed an eye!

Clint: Everything is 2D!

Griffin: It’s not- But I mean it’s like- It’s gone. Like that eye is- your left eye is now gone. It’s just like- It’s just skin, kind of there now. But a white ball in front of you appears, and an eyepatch is sort of floating in the middle of that ball and you hear the female elf say-



Justin: And draw.

Clint: And what are the magic properties of this eyepatch?

Griffin: So you- There are no magic properties to the eyepatch for your- If you make any ranged attack rolls though, you are going to take a -2 penalty to those from now on.

Justin: Magic!

Griffin: But, if you make intimidation rolls, because you have this sort of more haggard appearance now, you get a +2 to those, so mark that down. And I’m also gonna leave- what does this eye patch look like? I don’t wanna decide this sort of character trait for you.

Clint: I want it to look like Scorpius on Far Reach.

Justin: What are you--

[crosstalk] {09:32}

Griffin: You fucking know I don’t know what you're talking about.

Travis: One; Farscape. And two; sick pull. Thats a great pull, dad, big fan. I’ve seen every episode.

Griffin: Okay he’s- This dude’s not wearing an eyepatch. He’s wearing like, a fucking jockstrap on his fucking face and that cannot be your steez. I refuse to let this be your steez, this man is not wearing an eyepatch! He's wearing a facial thong and it’s not pleasant to see.

Clint: Alright here’s the deal. It is like, in the shape of Superman's emblem on his chest, and the cord, instead of going straight around, goes from the corner above my nose it goes around and connects with the bottom. It’s not around the head.

Griffin: So sort of a diamond shaped crest, and what’s on it ‘cause I don’t think the Superman logo should be it cause now we're getting into trademarked territories.

Clint: Uh- An owl?

Griffin: Alright, sort of a badass owl emblem.

Travis: Sick!

Clint: Kind of a stylised looking owl.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, I fucking feel it; cool. That was your animal for the race right?

Clint: Right, and Wise potato chips have a winking owl so…

Griffin: Of course it’s the potato chips is why you made the decision. Taako and Merle, do you guys wanna go next?



Griffin: Okay; Magnus, you step up to the wheel-

Travis: I got clock.

Griffin: Clock? Oh man. Uh- You hear the voice of the female elf and she says,



[Clint makes a sound like he got punched in the gut]

Travis: Huh…

Griffin: If you choose this, and you go through with it, Magnus will instantly age ten years.

Travis: I mean, this doesn’t really bother me?

Griffin: How old is Magnus? And don’t try to say like, you're 12.

Travis: No, no, no, I was thinking like early thirties like-

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: Like 32, 33? I mean my age is how I've been picturing him.

Clint: Why don’t you give him your elementary school, middle school days? That would be about ten years.

Travis: That's not how that works.

Griffin: No, no, that ain’t how it works.

Clint: Oh.

Griffin: Like, ‘I was born 10!’

Travis: I mean, honestly, here’s the thing– are we assuming that I would have lived this ten years? Like this ten years is like, just you were pl-

Griffin: That is a fucking great point, Magnus do rush in, so the chances of him making it to 42? This might be a pleasant surprise for him.

Travis: Right!

[laughter] [crosstalk] {12:06}



Griffin: Alright.



Griffin: As he’s like saying this, as Magnus is talking about- As he’s rationalising this, Merle and Taako you see like his sideburns start getting these little grey hairs- What colour hair does Magnus have? Like brownish?

Travis: I don’t know- Yeah, brownish, auburn, whatever.

Griffin: Well, now it’s starting to grow pretty grey, pretty fast and it’s not like- You're not full blown silver fox right now, but there is a lot of silver poking through the auburn.

Travis: Tell me about my laugh lines, Griffin.

Griffin: I mean you're also-

Travis: What about my crows feet?

Griffin: Your eyes are the only things that are getting especially wrinkled cause you know, Magnus has been through some shit. How- do you have any other sort of suggestion for how this would sort of change Magnus?

Travis: Well, so this is my question, is it like- Are we replacing 32 year- like in the timeline with the 42- ‘Cause then I'd probably have a couple facial scars, a couple Harrison Ford-esque nicks.

Griffin: No it wouldn’t be like that. It’s just like your body just goes through- Just ages ten years in a second, very like ‘Last Crusade’ style.

Travis: I see, I would say the muscles probably become a little bit leaner and sinew-ier rather than bulky.

Griffin: Alright, okay. And you--

Travis: And my pubes go totally grey.

Griffin: Oh no, that’s no good.

Clint: No, trust me it’s not.

Travis: But my- but my butt-

Griffin: [disgusted sounds] Oh come on, I’m in hell!

Justin: I'm gonna die, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.

Griffin: I'm dead and in hell now.

Clint: You opened the door!

Justin: I’m in hell and I’m shutting [unintelligible overlapping] {14:06}

Griffin: You opened the door! You built the fucking door out of wood! Shit wood! Shame on you and shame on us.

Clint: Travis started it.

Travis: I appreciated it, good joke, dad.

Justin: I will take any penalty, just let me spin, Travis is old now. Moving on.

Griffin: Magnus there’s no like- there’s no mechanical penalty for this but you do feel like--I mean, dude, you feel like a fucking bus just hit you. You just aged ten years and like your body– it’s like- Your body [Justin: I hear that.] It’s like your body is different and you don’t know how to deal with it, I guess? Um- so, yeah. Magnus is now 42 years old, and Taako?

Justin: Yeah?

Griffin: You hear the male elf say-



Griffin: Because you have not emitted any of that bad stuff up into the air.



Griffin: Ah- Oh, fucking shit, okay. Um... Alright. You hear the male elf say-



Griffin: If you choose this, Taako, you are going to have fifteen subtracted from your max HP.

Travis: Oof.



Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: Just like that, while you--as soon as you say that you feel yourself kind of like dry up a little bit, like you get a dry mouth all of a sudden and your stomach feels kind of sour--

Travis: No, this is a good question--Griffin, how does it translate to like real life? Does he have 15% less blood or, like, what does that mean?

Justin: I mean it’s a very calculated thing on my part, because the very worst case scenario is, okay take all the hitpoints you want, worst case scenario is Taako dies and I get my Tuesday afternoons back.

[Travis & Griffin laugh]

Justin: Do I have to--I mean I have to listen to dad recording with you chucklefucks like next to me while I’m doing cool shit that’s way better than this, but I think it’s a fucking good trade off.

Griffin: Okay, so subtract fifteen from your max HP.

Justin: I did it already, like you can’t affect--you can’t hurt me, it’s done! It’s already done, what’s next? I’ll take the other one. Give me stupids.

Clint: No!

Griffin: You hear the two elves talking now and they’re like,



Clint: And they haven’t had as good a job prospect as Taako in a long time, maybe they’ll back off of him?

Griffin: So, Taako, are you really taking the next roll?

Clint: No!

Justin: Okay, we're gonna fight over who gets--

Travis: I'm Spartacus!

Clint: I still have the most hit points!

Justin: That’s fine, okay, yea--

Clint: Give me the wheel!

Griffin: Alright, Merle, you go in for a roll. Before we get to that--

Justin: Stop it! Stop playing with the mouse!

Griffin: What is going on?

Justin: Dad was moving the mouse while I was using the trackpad, it was all very confusing.

[Travis giggles]

Griffin: While Taako is taking his turn, and while Merle is taking his turn, Magnus, you feel something, and it almost feels like something--

Justin: It's incontinence.

[laughter]

Justin: Surprise!

Griffin: No, you feel something poke the palm of your hand, and as you reflexively pull your hand away, you feel it again, only some sort of force is like pressing down into your hand and moving in sort of deliberate strokes. What do you do?

Clint: Get a boner. [Justin snorts]

Travis: Like-- It’s making shapes on my hand?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s like it’s tracing something in your hand.

Travis: Is it letters?

Griffin: Um- So if you don’t, like, uh- Yeah, you sit there and you try to like figure out what this thing is doing, are you like panicking, are you saying anything?

Travis: No, now in my old age I’ve grown a lot calmer, and I just sit there and calmly experience this sensation. I’m practicing mindfulness now in my 40’s.

[‘The Wheel’ begins to play in the background.]

Griffin: Okay, you sit here and you just try to like--you focus on the shapes without like panicking, or making a big scene about it, and you feel this same pattern over, and over again, more, and more forcefully being pushed into your hand. And after like a dozen or so repetitions, you realise something is familiar about the pattern, because it's something that you'd been studying very recently back at the headquarters with Carey.

Griffin: This force is making the shape of Thieves’ Cant into your hand, which is the secret written language of symbols that thieves use to sort of communicate with each other, and right now it's making two shapes in your hand, and the first one is a shape that means silence, which sort of like warns potential burglars of nearby listening marks, and then the next shape is confirm, which thieves use to sort of ensure that other thieves have seen their message. So it's saying silence, and then asking you to confirm.

Travis: Okay, with my left hand--

Griffin: Yeah?

Travis: I start just– kind of without looking at my hand or drawing attention to it, just moving my finger in the shape of confirm.

Griffin: Okay. It makes another set of symbols and it says secret, which thieves use to sort of like-- Well, I mean it’s a very thief-like symbol that they are trying to remain, you know, incognito.

Justin: We know what secrets are, Griffin, thank you so much for this.

[Griffin laughs]

Griffin: And then it marks confirm a second time, so it’s saying, ‘Secret. Confirm?'

Travis: I make the shape.

Griffin: Okay and you’re having this secret Thieves’ Cant conversation with this unseen force, and it goes through a few symbols. It does one, the number one, that’s not really a Thieves’ Cant symbol, it’s just one, and then the shape for room. So it says one room, and then a symbol that lets you know that magic forces are afoot, and then the symbol for room again, and then the symbol for transformation.

So it’s telling you ‘magic room transformation,’ and then it sends one last message to you. And the first one is a symbol that thieves use to sort of let each other know that they should wait for some sort of signal before they proceed with whatever job they're about to do, and then confirm. So, wait for signal, confirm.

Travis: I confirm.

[background music fades out]

Griffin: Okay. Merle, let's spin that wheel!

Clint: Chance?

Griffin: Oh, this is good, okay. I was hoping this might show up this round. You hear the female elf say-



Griffin: So you can sacrifice anything– physical, metaphysical, whatever, that you think is equivalent to the value of the things that have also been sacrificed this round, and if you pass the bar, then you get to move on, otherwise you still lose the things, and still have to go again until you have given up enough. Does that make sense?

Clint: Mhmm.

Griffin: It’s kind of a roll of the dice if you give something shitty, you'll lose the shitty thing and it won’t count and you’ll still have to do it.



Justin: You cannot retcon a story into an item to ma--

Clint: It's my warhammer!

Justin: "My dad's dad gave me this thing and it’s really great and I really love--did I tell you I had a name for it, this whole time I’ve really--"

Griffin: He does have a name for it, it's Lil Smusher.

Justin: [snort-laughs] Fair enough.

Clint: Alright.

Justin: I just don’t want you to lose your warhammer and something else, I’m trying to look out for you.

Travis: I would say putting down one of your main weapons is pretty scary.

{23:28}

Griffin: You also have the Arclight Spanner and--

Justin: And he hasn’t hit anything in roughly 30 hours. [laughs]

Travis: This is true, you also have spells that also make angels appear so you can probably sacrifice a couple of the old weapons.

Justin: I know what you should put in there. [sings] The B-I-B-L-E.

Griffin: Oh my god.

[Clint gasps]

Justin: ‘Cause that’s the book for me, I stand alone on the word of Pan, [Griffin laughs] the B-I-B-L-E. Bible!

Griffin: Now, I will say that is your holy symbol, if you get rid of that then you cannot use your holy magics, although they’ve been pretty faulty lately, so-

Travis: So maybe not that.

Griffin: Although I dig the symbolism there, I’m just warning you, if you do that you will not be able to cast spells.

Justin: Well that’s not good, it’s not like he’s been a real spell factory thus far, but you know what? I can’t keep penalizing dad for these actions.

Clint: I will lay down on this whatchamacallit-

Griffin: It’s a wheel.

Clint: The wheel. My Adamant Spanner.

Travis: What, the spanner?

Clint: Which has been the only thing that has worked for me for the last four, five arcs. I’ve had it since Petals to the Metal, I have posed for a lot of pictures with it. I'll give it my Adamant Spanner.

Griffin: Okay. And that’s it?

Clint: [long pause] And--

[laughter]

Griffin: So- You can think outside the box- I mean that might be enough I don’t know, but it’s not just physical items, it can be memories, it can be- You could sacrifice a language that you speak, like literally- You could sacrifice anything, to add to the value.

Clint: You know, I’ve had my wedding ring on a chain around my neck this whole time-

[Justin laughs]

Justin: [strained] It’s always been super important to him!

Clint: Well, if you really look at some of the art that- You know you can see a faint outline in my armour-

Justin: [unconvinced] Mhmm…

Clint: And you know it’s the symbol-

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: It’s the symbol! I’ll put my wedding ring.

Justin: That you've had the whole time, I just wanna clarify-

[laughter]

Travis: Isn’t Merle divorced?

Griffin: Yeah- And Merle, you ran out on your family! [Justin laughs] You are a deadbeat!

Clint: Well, yeah! This has be-

Travis: I’m confused about the symbolism you're giving up here, Merle!

Clint: I am giving up the sense of loss, of losing my family.

Justin: Wait no, wait-

Travis: You fucking ran out on them!

Griffin: You fucking ran off!

Justin: You can't give up bad emotions!

[laughter]

Travis: I’m giving up the guilt I feel at the shitty thing I did.

Justin: I’m giving up the guilt, no mo- It's yeah!

Clint: These liches feed on negative emotions!

Justin: You're turning this into a fucking Oprah special!

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: You can’t like- You can't like-

Griffin: But it's an Oprah special that’s like feel- I-

Justin: That’s like ‘I sacrifice beating myself up-

Griffin: Right.

Justin: -for bad choices.’

Griffin: ‘I’m a Shithead, Feel Bad For Me: The Oprah Special.’ You get a car.

[laughter]

Clint: Alright. Alright, funny guys-

Justin: Yeah?

Clint: I give up my wood arm.

Griffin: Oh whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Justin & Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Travis: That’s too much, Clinton.

Justin: No, you- We’ve got- You've got live appearances to think about!

Clint: [laughs] Oh yeah. Okay, I’ll give up the Adamant Spanner, the very importan-

Travis: This bundle of rope.

Griffin: This is like the end of The Jerk.

Clint: No, this wedding ring that was my only happy memories, from when my little family was still intact.

Justin: Mhmm.

Travis: Before someone ripped it apart.

Griffin: Before someone did a bad thing. [laughter]

Justin: I want like the guy from Amazing Discoveries, in his dumbass sweater, to be standing at a pedestal like, ‘That’s not enough, you know how we do it on Amazing Discoveries. We need more; throw in a shammy.’

Clint: And my battleaxe.

Justin: You could give up five years of your life ‘cause like you're already-- What’s the difference, you know what I mean?

Clint: I give up my Adamant Spanner-

Griffin: The wedding ring.

Clint: The wedding ring, and my battle axe.

Justin: Does that leave you with any weapons?

Griffin: Your handaxe? You have a handaxe. I’m almost certain you don’t have a battleaxe. I can’t believe how many times we've had this argument, but you can sacrifice the handaxe, sure.

Justin: Okay, it says battle axe, hand axe- no, no, no. Those are just proficiencies, those aren’t items that you have. You could give up your battle axe proficiency. [laughter] It solves you giving up the battle axe.

[clapping in background]

Clint: I will give up the battleaxe-

Justin: Hey, can I give up my– my proficiency with bows?

Clint: The battleaxe proficiency-

Justin: My bo staff proficiency? [laughter]

Travis: That's gotta be enough now, right?

Justin: My nunchuck--

Clint: And my wedding ring.

Justin: [strained] My nunchuck proficiency?

Clint: Which is worth, by the way, the wedding ring is worth about 5000 gold-

Justin: This whole time?!

Clint This whole time.

Travis: [laughs] This whole time, cannot stress enough, this has been so true the whole time.

Justin: Griffin also would like to apologise for editing out dad's frequent and blatant references to the wedding ring that has been on his neck this whole time.

Griffin: Yeah, sorry dad.

Clint: And I’ll agree to be colorblind.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: No, no, I’m holding onto color.

Griffin: Yeah you've got okay- Yeah, so, to summarise; the Adamant Spanner, the wedding ring, your battle axe proficiency and that- that’s what you're doing? Okay? Right, yes? Confirm?

Clint: And-

Griffin: Oh my god!

Justin: No, I think you've given enough, I think you've given enough!

Griffin: Or have you?

Clint: I don’t think I have-

Griffin: No, that sorry- That ‘and’ was in universe. That was the- One of the- The male elf says-



Clint: [whispers] See?

Griffin: And this- Like, clearly just fucking with you.

Justin: Oh, he's fucking with you, dad, don’t let him push you around.



Clint: Final answer.

Griffin: Alright, you lay down your axe and wedding ring on the wheel, and they both- Or no, sorry the Adamant Spanner [Clint: Shit!] and the wedding ring, you lay them down on the wheel and they both kind of sink in and then you sort of like, fade to white.

[“Battle Axe Proficiency” begins playing in the background]

Griffin: And you remember being in the wooded enclave that you and your Druidic, Pan-worshipping family lived in. This sort of commune, that you lived in as a child and you're maybe a teen or something like that, and one of the members of the enclave was attacked by a bear and just barely survived, and it sent a real scare through the community and sort of made you struggle with your own mortality.

Griffin: And so you went to a woodsman in the woods, who’s not a part of the enclave, and he taught you how to wield an axe to protect yourself and you trained with him for years and years, and he was sort of, one of the first sort of figures that sort of showed you what life was like outside of this sheltered enclave, and while you're thinking of this, you are having a hard time remembering what his face looked like, and then you can’t remember anything about him, and then you don’t remember any of that part of your life at all, and it’s just gone.

Clint: I really hate this arc, I just wanted to pass along to you, Griffin.

[music continues and fades out]

{31:05}

[commercial break]

[“The Wheel” plays in the background briefly, and then fades]

{36:27}

Griffin: With that, the fourth green light above the door lights up, and the big, heavy stone door opens, and again it is just kind of pitch black through the door, you cannot see through it at all and the wheel lowers down into the ground.



Justin: That was probably obvious, but I wanted to say it out loud so I didn’t have people fucking tweeting at me like, “Hey do you think that-”

Travis: -that was this!

Justin: Yeah, I get it, I know, I know. We're all adults here, I got you.

Griffin: Cam comments from your bag- Well, you can't hear him, he’s in like, a secret pocket dimension, inside of a pocket of an actual bag, but he’s trying to- He’s yelling-



Justin: Ok I’m going to tie him to my shoulder like fucking Zaphod Beeblebrox just to get Griffin off of my nuts.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Okay, I like it. He says,



Griffin: He says. And he- Actually, he sees you Magnus, and he says,



Clint: Let me preemptively interrupt all the tweets that I will be sending– 42 is not old! Okay, go on.

Travis: Uh, Griffin?

Griffin: Yeah?

Travis: Before we move on, I wanna make the Thieves’ Cant sign for room, trap, confirm.

Griffin: Yeah, it confirms, this thing pushes into your hand and confirms.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Taako and Merle, make a perception check.

[sound of dice rolling, followed by Justin snorting]

Justin: Double--double 4s, we didn’t see shit.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, then nothing happens, okay. You moving on?

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Yup.

Justin: Yep.

Clint: On we go!

Griffin: You step forward, and as you’re walking towards the door you hear the elves, you hear the male elf say-



Griffin: And as you walk through that pitch black door you step into a new– another like huge, circular chamber, about the same dimensions as the one you just left, only this one you also know, because there is a single pedestal in the middle of it with two buttons on it, and a screen sort of wrapped around the outside of it, with sort of digitised, like, cartoon versions of your faces on it, and you hear that male elf say-



Justin: I cast Mage Hand-

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: -and smack forsake.

Griffin: [laughs] It doesn’t activate because the buttons aren’t lit up and going yet.

Justin: … Okay.

Griffin: And you hear the female elf say-



[Clint laughs]



Travis: Six.

[Clint sings “Blowin in the Wind” with a slight warble in the background]

Justin (& Travis): Six.



Griffin: You can roll insight if you wanna see.

Justin: I’m gonna roll an insight. [dice rolls] It’s a 19.

Clint: Nineteen!

Griffin: Yeah, th- That wasn’t entirely accurate.

[laughter]

Justin: Plus 4, by the way, so it’s 23.

Griffin: Yeah it’s a fuckin’- They are not telling the truth.



Clint: I cast Zone... of... Truth!

Justin: Hell yeah. Hell. Yeah.

Griffin: They are nowhere near you. You cannot see them, they are not in your vicinity.

Clint: I--I can’t see 'em anyway, I have no depth perception.

Justin: Cast it on me and then ask me what percentage of people have died.

[Travis laughs]

Justin: That way we’ll get the answers.

Griffin: Uh, the screen that like, wraps around the pedestal in front of you starts to spin and the person who is going to play this round of Trust or Forsake is... [dice rolls] It is Taako, uh, you step up to the plate, Taako, and as you do, Cam from your shoulder says-



[Clint laughs]



[Clint laughs]



Travis: Well, an air conditioner fell on him!

Griffin: Cam chimes and he’s like,



Griffin: Alright… You hit forsake and a--the far wall across from you shows you chose; forsake- [dice rolls] And they chose trust.



Griffin: Which means you and--a little bit of confetti falls from the ceiling when that happens.

Justin: Short episode this week, kids! [Clint laughs]

Travis: Uh, remind me Griffin, what would have happened if we both hit trust?

Griffin: Uh, so there's four outcomes to this game, and I realised listening back when I was editing it, you guys didn't quite understand the rules. There's four outcomes, okay? If you choose forsake and they pick trust that's the best outcome for you, that means you don't have to do this killer challenge at all. If you both- The next outcome is both pick trust, that means you play it at its standard difficulty. If you both pick forsake that's the third- Uh, worst outcome I guess? That means you both face a slightly harder version, and if you pick forsake and they pick trust, they don't have to do the challenge and you have to do, like, the really, really difficult version, which is what happened to you last time-

Travis: Oh no, you mean if we pick trust and they pick forsake?

Griffin: Right! If you get forsaken, then you get fucked, but you did the forsaking this time, which is good… Kind of.

Travis: I mean not morally.

Griffin: And Cam is celebrating, he's like,



Griffin: And with that the display that showed the results disappears, and a large, black door appears in front of you that you just can't see through, another pitch black door.



Griffin: Alright, you step forward into the next chamber and as you enter the doorway you step foot onto a five foot square of white light and the word ‘start’ is on this square, and as soon as you step onto it, the door is just gone behind you, and you hear a loud click as a blue square the same size illuminates right in front of you, and then another, and then a green square, that has some sort of word written on it, and then this pattern continues with all these multicoloured squares just sort of appearing, forming a winding path around you-

[Travis gasps]

Travis: It's candyland!

Griffin: You're standing in a board game, and as you look down you realise this platform is slightly elevated in the air and the floor is covered in a bubbling green liquid. And from above you, you realise that the ceiling is just clouded with this swarm of bats that are all squealing, and some of the bats start to fly down in your direction, but then everything sort of freezes. And you hear one of the elves say-



Griffin: Suddenly, you see a cloud of the black smog that's sort of--you emit every time you have complained in this environment, and it quickly sort of lowers from the ceiling like a curtain, and the boardgame is gone.

Griffin: This room has sort of been re-outfitted and instead of standing on the start square of a board game, you're standing behind podiums and you have these bright lights in your face, and you can hear coming in the direction in these lights that are kind of blinding you a bit, you hear thunderous applause from a large studio audience. And as you look around, you realise you're standing on the sort of garishly decorated set of a game show.

[Cheesy game show music plays]

Griffin: And you hear one of the elves say,

Justin: I cast True Seeing on Magnus.

[“Wonderland: Round One” begins to play]

Griffin: What does that do?

Justin: He can see things as they actually are for the duration, he has truesight, he sees the secret doors hidden by magic, and can see into the Ethereal Plane all out to a range of a 120ft.

Griffin: Okay, Magnus, you- You don't warn him then, right Taako?

Justin: No, I can’t. I can’t take the risk.

Griffin: Alright- Fucking, Magnus, suddenly and without explanation, you--your vision changes, and you can see the audience now through the lights, and it is just a bunch of these fairly intricately put together wooden marionettes, they are faceless, but otherwise they are detailed complete with fingers and joints on those fingers, and they are the ones sort of moving around and reacting to all of these scenes, you see--

Justin: As he's looking around, I say,



Griffin: Okay then, shit- you see– Taako, you see a black cloud come out of your mouth as you say this.

Griffin: Magnus, back to you, one other thing that you see is these two elves in their fancy jumpsuits--pantsuits rather, they don’t look like elves actually, with your current sight, they are both wearing black robes and they- you cannot really see their faces inside of this robe, you just sort of see a faint red light coming from within their hoods, and they have like semi-skeletal arms and a body underneath. And you recognise that they are liches, and you also see... standing, just sort of slightly in front of you, Magnus, you see that Red Robe, and it's the one that you've seen so many times now.

The one that confronted you after the big race in Petals to the Metal, the one that confronted you in the Cosmoscope in Lucas' lab. And he is standing there, and you see him sort of siphoning off that black cloud as Taako is sort of projecting it into the atmosphere, and the other two liches don't seem to see him; it seems like you are the only one that can see him with your truesight, and he looks over and realises that he can see you, and that you can see each other, and you just see this Red Robe put a single, skeletal finger, to its non-existent lips.

[Outro theme]

[MaxFun end card]