The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 2/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone…

Griffin: Duck you see, a vision. You see a stone archway.







Griffin: You touch your finger to the back of the card, it actually kind of, explodes.







Griffin: Uh, you tear it open, and it’s an eviction notice!



Griffin: Ned, you start planning your next grift. You are going to bring Bigfoot to Kepler!

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

{1:42}

Griffin: So, we have more scenes this week, and I promise you guys are gonna meet up and the mystery’s gonna start to… unravel itself? But before we get to that, just a couple more sorta setup scenes and our first one is with Duck, again. Hi, Duck! I’m now talking to a fictional character, so I’m not really sure how that works.

Justin: It’s actually pretty weird, I’ll just address you as Justin. Hello, Griffin.

Griffin: So, Duck, you’ve been following the trail of this… thing, whatever it is, for an hour and a half now. You’ve mostly been pursuing the sort of drops of black ooze that, as they reach deeper into the forest, they glint off of your flashlight’s light, making it surprisingly easy to follow. And it’s at this point in the forest where you’ve been walking about an hour and a half, you’re well away from the trails and the lights of the town, that you actually see another light, shining in your direction from deeper within. And it’s low to the ground, it’s beaming in your direction, cutting through the trees, and this light is not moving. What do you do?

Justin: I guess I approach it.

Griffin: Okay! You… approach the light, and as you do so, your eyes kind of adjust to it, and this scene reveals itself to you. The light you spotted earlier is actually a flashlight that is laying on the forest floor, it’s like half-submerged in a little muddy patch. And it was left on and dropped. But what’s more notable in this area is the forest floor itself. There’s large patches of the ground where the grass is just blackened in this strange pattern, almost like it was burnt. There’s big splotches here and there of burnt, you think, grass, and each of those splotches has a few smaller lengths of burnt grass extending off of them. And, there’s another sort of strange thing here, too, and that’s: there’s just, like… no sound. The sort of ambient sound of crickets and frogs and the occasional hoot from an owl, there’s none of that there. The night has become just completely still in this place. Which is why it freaks you out all the more when you hear a voice… that you haven’t heard in many, many years, say:



Griffin: And there, standing before you, is... a presence, and it’s a presence you first saw… some number of years ago, and that’s something we’re gonna have to figure out together. She, like you saw so many years ago, she has no real features that you can make out, she’s just sort of this outline of a person made of this faint blue light? She’s roughly about six feet tall, with a long neck ending in a large, seemingly bald head, and that’s all that you’re really able to make out, looking at her. And I guess it’s kind of time that we talk about Duck’s… visions that he gets as part of The Chosen, which you and I kinda briefly talked about, and you gave the okay on sort of being represented by this person that would visit Duck from time to time. Let’s take this moment actually to sort of talk about Duck’s destiny… which sounds a lot like Duck Dynasty.

Travis: Yeah! Eugh!

Griffin: Yikes! When did Duck sort of first become aware of his role as The Chosen? When was, like, the last time you saw this vision, ‘cause it’s been a while.

Justin: On his… 18th birthday.

Griffin: Okay. And when—

Justin: And it happened for a while after that, I mean, a few weeks. And then maybe occasionally after, y’know, once or twice a month, but, I think- I feel like they became… the way I’m seeing is, is they were very— it was, like, very clear at the beginning, and then the longer it sort of went on, more sort of ephemeral and maybe almost dreamlike—

Clint: Were they dreams? Were they comin’ to him in dreams, or actively just…

Justin: No, no, I think maybe that is what he has convinced himself? But I think it’s closer to what Griffin describes, it was a presence that visited him and said these things and then… y’know, I think that eventually over time, you can convince yourself of a lot of stuff. He convinced himself that it was just that, just dreams.

Griffin: I love that idea, of it being dreamlike, and that this happened so long ago— ‘cause we should also talk about- you talked about Duck being, like, not, like, a kid? Like, older than 20s?

Justin: Yeah, he’s mid-40s now.

Griffin: Mid-forties, and so it’s probably been long enough now that you’ve kind of convinced yourself it was just a dream, or something. But that probably makes it even all the more alarming that here she is again, and she says:





Justin: And I turn heel and start walking away.





Clint: [laughs] BAIT and CrossFit!







Griffin: This vision sort of disappears and reappears like, right next to you, and now she’s like looking you over. And she says:





Griffin: She says:



Griffin: And you hear a sound in the woods, just like several dozen feet away. You hear the snapping of a big branch. And then you hear this deep, monstrous sigh. And then another, and another, like, steady breathing now and it’s moving closer to you. And this vision says:



Griffin: And then the vision disappears. What do you do?

Justin: I feel like there’s a lot of this stuff that is… I feel like whatever quote unquote abilities Duck had have become rather rusty. But I still feel like his, maybe, stuff is better than it would be for a regular person. So I feel like he has an ability to sort of like, sense danger.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Or sense enemies coming that’d go beyond what regular people could do. So I think he kind of is able to train in on whatever is coming after him and try to read the situation.

Griffin: You think this is a Read a Bad Situation then?

Justin: I do. It seems like a bad situation to me.

[crosstalk]

Griffin: [amused] Yeah, I would definitely say it’s a bad situation.

Justin: And one in dire need of being read.

Griffin: Yeah, go ahead and do it.

[Justin rolls]

Justin: Five, three, plus Sharp. It’s a nine.

Griffin: Okay, mixed result. Hold one. You get to ask me one question: What’s the best way in? What’s the best way out? Are there any dangers you haven’t noticed? What’s the biggest threat? What’s most vulnerable to me? And what’s the best way to protect the victims?

Justin: I would probably ask what’s the biggest threat?

Griffin: It is… I will give you two things with that. The first thing you notice as you kind of turn your light towards the sound, is you get a clear picture of this pattern of burnt grass on the ground, which you couldn’t really see until you’re, at your current position, shining your light over the whole of it. And it’s not just like random splotches of burnt grass, it almost looks like the shadows of animals. You can see kinda clearly like, they’re all kinda jumbled up but you can kinda see like a deer? Like a shape of a deer on the ground. A couple of them actually. And you see the shape of either a dog or a wolf kinda like sticking out of the mass of the pile. And the other thing you notice, that is sort of more relevant to you, is that you faintly see the shape that Pigeon described to you. You see a hulking, eight-foot shape that is moving towards you, and as you shine the light in its direction, you catch eyes with the light. I think actually you get two eyes, sort of where you expect eyes on this thing to be, and very very faintly you also catch a couple of other eyes in places that maybe eyes shouldn’t be. And as you flash it, you hear this shape roar, and now it’s moving towards you very quickly.

Justin: Alright, I raise the hunting rifle in my hands, and I chuck it at its head as hard as I can before I sprint away.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Um, yeah, so there is a Fight thing. This is absolutely not that. Not kicking some ass.

[crosstalk]

Justin: No, this is Act Under Pressure, I feel like.

Griffin: Yeah, go ahead and roll plus Cool.

[Justin rolls]

Justin: Five.

Griffin: Wuh-oh.

Travis: How cool is Duck?

Griffin: Mark experience.

[laughter]

Justin: You guys try fucking acting under pressure when a multi-eyed demon is coming at you. I don’t blame him.

Griffin: So I get to make a hard move, ‘cause you fucked up. Mark experience, which is good. Every time you fail, you mark experience.

Justin: Hey, experience.

Travis: That’s a hearty balm.

[crosstalk]

Justin: [to Clint] Papa, can you get that orange pencil out of that highlighter mug for me, thank you.

Clint: [in a Yoda impression] Learn from failure, we do.

Justin: One big experience.

[Travis and Griffin laugh]

Justin: Goes down smooth, boys, let me tell ya.

Griffin: Alright, here’s what I’m gonna do to you. You throw the hunting rifle, so that’s gone now, you just lose that. And you try to turn tail and run. And you are just not fast enough. This thing that is marching out of the woods collides with you with, I think, just a big ol’ paw, just swipes you and knocks you to the ground. And you roll about 10 feet away. As you roll a couple of your things also come off. This is a price you are paying for fucking up this bad. First off, take two harm, as you are swatted by this big big monster.

Justin: Okay, so no harm. I’m Invincible.

Griffin: What?

Justin: I’m Invincible. I always count as having two armor.

Griffin: Ohhhh. That’s a Chosen thing?

Justin: Yeah, it’s my big Chosen ability.

Griffin: I think, so like, in fiction—

[crosstalk]

Travis: Sick!

Griffin: What is that? Do you just have like a magic sort of warding presence? Is this just representative of Duck being like—

Justin: I’m just tough. I don’t get hurt.

Travis: Like Buffy. You know Buffy can take a lot of—

Justin: It’s nothing like Buffy, this is a new IP [laughter] and I’m not gonna write any fucking checks. He just is—

[crosstalk]

Griffin: Alright, you—

Justin: Why does it have to be Buffy? Lots of people are difficult to damage.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: He could just be buff.

Justin: No, he’s no… there’s no buff sounds. There’s not even a B. It’s just Duck Newton, guy who’s hard to kill.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, you’re hard to kill. You get swatted away and you don’t take any damage. But there is still a cost, and that is as you roll, you lose your flashlight and your radio.

Justin: Man, I already lost a gun, that seems excessive. But alright.

Griffin: It’s a hard move, I can base… you are at my whims at that point, and—

Justin: Alright. I’m a fan… who am I? [mocking/quoting Griffin] I’m a fan of your character.

Griffin: Yeah, alright.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: But this big monster is kind of a little unsteady as it charges into you and does this attack. It, like, keeps going for a little bit. And your, I’ll say this, your flashlight as it lands, kind of close to the other flashlight that was already on the ground, it is shining into this big, sort of, bramble patch. And inside you see a scared face of a young man wearing some coke-bottle glasses, and a blue sweater, and he’s hiding out in this bramble patch as the monster sort of charges. And the monsters has its back to you for just a brief moment. What do you do?

Justin: [laughs] I have nothing, right?

Griffin: You are essentially now unequipped.

Justin: [whispers] God.

Griffin: What I love about this game is that there are, it gives me so many more options of putting you guys in legitimate danger. And this is definitely one of those situations.

Justin: I’m gonna [laughs] I’m trying to think what he would do in this situation, and the answer is he would not kick some ass, but kick its ass. Kick its literal ass. Kick its ass.

Griffin: With—

Justin: I’m gonna kick- I’m gonna kick it in the ass.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, okay, you kick it in its ass.

Justin: Normally this is not what Duck would be doing, by the way, but there, this is somebody who is visiting the park, and they are in danger, and he’s not gonna just, like, leave ‘em. So he’s gonna kick this thing in the ass.

Griffin: You kick it in its ass, and it very, I mean, you just do it. I don’t think this is a Kick Some Ass roll, because it sort of has its back to you, and it like, doesn’t even register it, really, as hurting. But it turns around quickly and now is facing you, and now you have its attention with this sort of scared guest at the park hiding nearby. What do you do?

Justin: Are any of the items that I have misplaced, are any of them like within arms reach theoretic— like where I could get to them before this thing could get to me, theoretically.

Griffin: I think if you were about to, like, turn tail and run this thing away from this victim, I think you could take a beat to pick up one of them. Either the rifle or the radio or the flashlight. But I would need you to roll Cool. I would need you to roll to Act Under Pressure.

Justin: [makes exasperated sound] All right.

Griffin: You don’t have to. You don’t have to.

Justin: No, I’m just- no, I’m thinking. I’m just trying to think what would be—

Griffin: Let me also give you this. The monster doesn’t seem to see this other person as they are hidden right now. Right now. That could change, but this person’s hiding.

Justin: Okay, I’ll grab the radio.

Griffin: Okay, I need you to Act Under Pressure.

[Justin rolls]

Justin: Okay, there we go. Finally a decent one. I got an eight.

Griffin: I’m going to offer you a hard choice.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: On a mixed- which is something I can do on a mixed success. You can get it, this thing’s gonna hit you again.

Justin: Uh, yeah, I’ll do that. Sure.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: He’s tough!

Griffin: You sort of roll out of the way of one of this things swipes, and as you roll you grab the radio and then you feel something at your back as the monster hits you with another swipe, this time for two damage. And this time you go flying about 20 feet, so you are not damaged, but you are now in the woods as this thing knocks you away. And you scramble to your feet, and now this thing is starting to pursue you away from this scene. What do you do?

Justin: I turn up the volume on the receiver as loud as it’ll go.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: As I’m running away I start yelling.



Griffin: Are you saying this as you’re sprinting away from this—

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: Okay.



Griffin: [laughs] You are getting some static on the radio.

Justin: Alright, I adjust the squelch knob so I can try to limit that and get the signal clear.

Griffin: You’re doing a lot of this in… I’m trying to figure out a way to make this fair, cuz you’re doing a lot of this in the dark while running away from a big bear monster.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: So I think this is just another Act Under Pressure as you are trying to like tune on this thing as you are running through the woods.

Justin: Uh, seven.

Griffin: Seven, mixed success. Okay, you hear a voice say.





Griffin: And now that static is getting kind of louder now, and it’s not like this is another national quiet zone thing where you do have trouble sometimes picking up signals. This ain’t that. Like, something weird is almost jamming the signal and you hear someone saying:



Griffin: And the price to pay for your mixed success is after getting confirmation on this, you trip over a branch, and now the radio’s just gone. You have no idea where it went. And this thing is still pursuing you. And I think you’re just running now in the dark for a while. And running away from this monster in the dark and there’s— you can hear it close behind you and some branches are whipping up against your invincible face as you are running and running and eventually the sound of that monster gets quieter and quieter and now it’s just gone. And you are sort of safe, you feel safe, and you don’t have a flashlight anymore, but you’re in a clearing. And the moonlight overhead is brilliant and shining straight down like a spotlight on the center of this clearing, where you see that big stone gate.

{music 21:41-21:55}

Griffin: And we’re gonna move on to Aubrey.

Travis: Hell yeah!

Griffin: Aubrey, Mama is driving you down a scenic stretch of highway, on the road out of Snowshoe, and dusk is falling and the leaves in the woods sort of lining the road that you’re on have just begun to fall. It’s the end of summer and they’ve sort of begun their natural patterns. And you are relieved to hear that no police sirens are following you down this road. [Travis: Sweet.] And Mama notices you nervously looking behind you and she says:













Griffin: She says:





Griffin: She kinda smiles as you say that, and she actually reaches one of her huge hands into her duster’s breast pocket. And I think you get nervous just because of the context of the situation. But what she pulls out is actually a small ziploc bag that she sort of rips open with her teeth.

Travis: Weed!

Griffin: And she reaches inside and uncurls her fist towards you to reveal a baby carrot. And she says:









Griffin: And I think Dr. Bonkers like, I don’t know where he is, where you’ve got him, but he kinda springs forward and is kinda resting on your arm, and takes this baby carrot and starts nibbling on it. And she says:





[Clint laughs]

Griffin: She says:





Griffin: She laughs and she says:









Griffin: She says:



Griffin: And as she says that your truck passes through one last stretch of woods, and then the trees disappear, and there’s Kepler. And you’re on the riverside of town now, named for the lower part of the town’s proximity to the Greenbrier River that cuts across its southern border. And the highway you’re on turns into the town’s main road and suddenly you’re passing through this quaint little town’s center. You pass a building called The Cryptonomica, you pass a local grocer, an arcade, a winter sports supply store, a Pizza Hut, a much smaller neighboring independent pizza restaurant. A library, city hall and a bunch of other buildings that you can’t really identify. And then you—

Travis: Is it fair to assume that the smaller restaurant is a Giovanni’s? Or—

Griffin: Yeah, we can say it’s a Gino’s, or a Giovanni’s. And then you’re driving through a few residential— by the way, that’s some hyper-local Huntington, West Virginia callbacks but… [Clint laughs] then you’re driving through a few residential blocks before the road turns back into the highway at the town’s edge. But Mama takes a hairpin left turn and now you’re driving up this winding road that climbs the face of the mountain sort of to the town’s north. You drive under an overpass and you see the town’s funicular train with a couple of passengers riding from riverside up to topside, which the road that you’re on turns into as you reach sort of the end of the winding road’s end, and now you’re passing by some other buildings. There’s the Kepler ski trails landing, a few ritzy-looking chalets on the cliff’s edge and some alpine inspired resorts. And then Mama reaches the end of the road, and she turns one last time onto a small, dirt path, leading into a forest of pine trees. And you drive through this secluded stretch for a half-minute or so, and then—



Griffin: She says:







Griffin: And she rolls the truck to a stop and she turns off the engine and she says:



Griffin: And where “here” is, where this truck has parked, is in front of a large building at the end of this dirt road, with a wooden sign hanging over the entrance that reads Amnesty Lodge. [music starts playing] There’s a wooden plank path cutting through a charming, well-tended garden, and up to this geodesic wooden dome that serves as the lodge’s central lobby. And branching off either side of that central hub are the lodge’s two guest wings, which have sort of a natural log-cabin aesthetic, with these lamplit verandas peeking out of each room. And Mama leads you into that lobby, where a few guests are seated in handcrafted wooden chairs, one is reading a newspaper. A couple are laughing over a game of chess. One is dusting the surface of a piano.

In the rear of this lobby is a large open space with windows looking outward into the woods with dining tables scattered about, with chairs sort of stacked upside down on top of them as dinner service isn’t really running right now. There’s a cut-out window in this dining space into a small kitchen, there’s this kind of faint smell of sulfur in the air, and you notice that there’s a small sign hanging in the entrance to one of those guest wings directing guests to a hot spring behind the building. And there’s a large hearth in the middle of this room, and it’s unlit, but just being in this building, just being in the Amnesty Lodge, you feel warm. And a young blond man dressed in snowboarder’s gear comes running out of the wings towards the entrance. Mama intercepts him and says:



Travis: Jake Coolice? [pronounced “cool ice”] Or whatever his name is?

Griffin: Yeah, it is Jake Coolice.

Clint: Jaaake!

Griffin: And he flashes a hang-ten, and he says:



Griffin: And he retreats back into that guest wing.



[Clint laughs]





Griffin: [crosstalk] When you say that, everybody, all the guests like look to you with a start. “Did she just say she hates Jake Coolice?”



Clint: [laughs] Who can defuse any situation.

Travis: Yeah, Dr. Harris Bonkers is kind of Aubrey’s, like, go-to, “Did you see this rabbit?”

Griffin: Yeah. Mama says:





Griffin: She says:





Griffin: She says:



Griffin: She gestures over to a bathroom door with a toilet sign hanging on it. She says:



Travis: Aubrey goes to the bathroom and comes back. Just, no one ever goes to the bathroom and stuff, and so, I just—

[clapping]

Griffin: [amused] I thought you were setting up some sort of—

Travis: No. I just—

Griffin: Aubrey makes a bomb out of the bathroom supplies, just in case.

[Clint laughs]

Travis: No, Aubrey comes to the bathroom and comes back.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: It’s an actual human function.

Griffin: Mama says:





Griffin: She says:



Griffin: And the guest reading the newspaper puts it down and you see sort of a young, earthy looking woman, kinda crunchy-looking woman with long blonde hair, and she’s looking up from the newspaper and she’s staring at you, Aubrey. And Mama walks over to the hearth in the center of the room and she pulls away this grate surrounding it. She says:



Travis: This is very important, and I know you’re gonna try to dismiss it at first. Is Dani cute?

Griffin: Uh, yeah? Yeah, I think, I mean does Aubrey find her cute? I feel like that would be, I don’t know what—

Travis: Yes, she does, that’s why I asked. ‘Cause I want to know if Aubrey’s nervous or not performing in front of Dani.

Griffin: Okay, then yes, absolutely.

Travis: Okay, because I kind of think like, in a very traditional...so basing this off of… I’m very inspired by Harry Dresden for this, a lot of, like, the Dresden kind of magic, and magic in general is like inspired by emotion and channelling will and emotion, that kinda thing. And so one of the reasons I think it sparks for Aubrey while she’s performing is, you know, that rush of endorphins of like, in front of a crowd and the nervousness—

Griffin: [crosstalk] I think that’s really rad. I also think if we make that canon that your emotional state sort of affects your magic, you can use that in some cool ways, and I’m also gonna use that in some cool, maybe bad for you, ways. Okay.

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh, absolutely. That’s why I picked Fire and Blast and all of that, cuz I think Aubrey is very emotional, very reactive, and I want that to be part of it, you know what I mean? ‘Cuz I also think, as you said, it can be both beneficial and detrimental.

Griffin: The term “very emotional” feels kind of weighted. I—

Travis: Not “very emotional,” that’s not what I mean. She is heart-on-her-sleeve, open, you know what I mean?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Whereas, I think, like Nadiya that I played is like very introspective.

Griffin: Yeah, sure I got ya.

Travis: That ain’t Aubrey.

Griffin: So if you’re using just your basic fire magic I think this would just be your move, right? Your Spell-Slinger thing.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: We should make it clear, just for the future, that The Spell-Slinger has, essentially, instead of like a main attack, they have a magical attack, but that is different from Use Magic, which is a sort of contextual… there’s a bunch of different effects. But if you’re trying to set something on fire, I feel like it would be The Spell-Slinger’s fire attack, which is what you’ve got.

Travis: Mmhm. Am I doing my plus Weird roll, then?

Griffin: It’s definitely gonna be a plus Weird roll. I guess the question is, is this an attack on the fireplace, or is this a magical effect?

Travis: Well, okay, I think, first time out, Aubrey would cheat and use her, like, magician shit.

Griffin: Alright, well then you don’t roll plus Weird. You just do it.

[Travis rolls]

Travis: Uh, it’s a six. Oh, okay.

Griffin: No, I’m saying you don’t have to… if you’re not using your actual magic, if you are using flash p- and this is also something we should set in stone, if you’re just using your, if you’re doing a trick, I don’t think it’s a magic roll.

Travis: Oh, okay.

Griffin: I think it’s just you do it.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: So you produce a bit of flash paper with your spark gloves, which is, like, the way that you are accustomed to doing this. And just a little flash of a flame appears and hits the logs in the center of the hearth and it doesn’t really ignite. And Mama kinda sighs and she says:

















Travis: So I guess Aubrey, like, stares at the fire and, like, starts, you know, doing the deep breathing stuff..

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Um… [rolls] oh, okay, that’s fairly good. That’s a nine plus two. Eleven.

Griffin: Okay, then I think, I love this picture of Aubrey, just like with her hands extended, this is not, she’s not doing sleight of hand right now, so she doesn’t know how to cast actual magic spells, so she doesn’t really know how to produce it. It’s like that scene in Spiderman, where he’s like “Go web, go!” It’s like that, where you don’t really exactly know what to do.

Travis: [crosstalk] But I will say, following her moves, just from habit she’s still moving her hands the same way she would conjure fake—

Griffin: Okay. What I think—

Travis: Because she has to use gestures, foci, consumables, to use spells.

Griffin: What I think the great resolution to this is: you catch Dani out of the corner of your eye, and you get a little nervous for a second, and then a big blast of fire appears in your hands.

Travis: Yes. Very much so.

Griffin: And with that, I think the fire is perfectly contained, almost like it’s a blast of fire that sort of occupies just the space of this hearth. And suddenly the hearth is ablaze, and Dani kinda sits up in her chair when she sees this, and Mama says:







Griffin: She says:









Griffin: So she says:



Griffin: And Dani says:





[laughter]



Griffin: Dani says:



Griffin: And Mama nods, and she swiftly walks to the front door of the Amnesty Lodge and she bolts it. And she turns back toward you. And now everybody in the lobby has sort of stopped doing what they’re doing and they’re looking at you, and Mama says:



{music 36:47-37:04}

{commercial break 37:04-40:05}

{music 40:05-40:12}

Griffin: Ned. It is nearing dusk, and you’re out in the Monongahela National Forest, and you brought your big boat of a car. What is it, a Lincoln Continental Mark III? Is that what it is?

Clint: It is a Lincoln Continental Mark III, 1958 biggest trunk space of any American-made car.

Griffin: Yeah, you bring that big car to a halt in these woods and you kinda survey the scene, there’s nobody around, you’ve probably driven off the trail a little bit, to get somewhere where you will not be really interrupted while you do your work. And speaking of that big trunk, what’s in it? Cuz I wanna know, what are you doing to stage this Bigfoot thing?

Travis: What kinda junk do you have in your trunk?

Griffin: Well I wanna know specifically, like, what are you doing to create this Bigfoot exhibit? Cuz I don’t wanna paint you into a corner if you wanna, like, cast some big footprints, or you wanna take a fake picture. I love the Wookiee costume idea and we did set that up in episode one, but I know you’ve had a little bit more time to think about it what are you doin’ to get this Bigfoot exhibit?

Clint: Um, well obviously I’m going to try to fake a little bit of footage, I’ve got these very very heavy boots and it’s an old, they were originally just great big snowshoes.

Justin: Yeah.

Clint: But he has attached to them this kinda mold, so it’ll look like a great big paw print, but it’s gonna be huge.

Griffin: So you’re wearing magic shoes.

Justin: Sorry, and the Wookiee costume?

Clint: I’ve got those on, I’ve got the Wookiee costume on, I’m sorry purists, but I did not bring the bandolier, I thought that might throw some people off.

Justin: I love this.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, that’s too much.

Clint: I strap these great big boots, like snowshoes with the handles cut off, and these big latex things to look like giant footprints, but I mean they’re like y’know… [pauses] 20 inches, so I’m not gonna be able to move real fast. And I’ve got a camera.

Griffin: Yeah, I think it’s probably Kirby’s camera that he uses for the paper that he loaned out to you.

Clint: Right, and I’ve got it on a tripod, and I’ve also brought along, I had, don’t ask me how, but I had this big vat that I went and got right directly out of the cesspool in the backyard, and it’s just filled with this nasty sewage schmeggy stuff and it’s—

Travis: Why?

Clint: Well, just bear with me, and I’ve got it in this great big, like gallon—

Travis: He’s making Bigfoot dookie.

Clint: Jug. I’m making Bigfoot scent. The spoor, the spoor is gonna be on the wind tonight.

Travis: Jesus Christ.

Justin: [crosstalk] This should be pretty good.

Clint: So let’s see the marketers create something outta that.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Anything else in the trunk?

Clint: Well, my walking stick, but I don’t think that’d be a very good idea for me to carry my walking stick.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Alright, sure. Well, let’s say you’re setting up the camera and you get it sort of angled toward a thick patch of these pine trees.

Clint: Right.

Griffin: That are just, they’re just everywhere, they’re just sort of the defining arboreal characteristic of Kepler are these tall pines. And you get a good sorta angle where you could be hidden, a little bit, ‘cause you still want that air of mystery. If the footage is, like, Bigfoot right up against you then it’s pretty easy to be like, “Oh, well that’s bullshit.” So you set up that camera and, I don’t even think we have to roll for it I do just wanna play it out, though. So what do you do?

Clint: So I set up the camera, and I can’t make the buttons work while I got the gloves on, so I take the gloves off. It’s really hard ‘cuz it’s a really complicated camera, so there’s a lot of [yells] “Damn it!” So finally I get the camera, I’ve got it on a video setting.

Griffin: Alright.

Clint: And I pull the gloves back on, and I walk, and I set it at a stationary point. I’ve already, you know, sprinkled probably half of the cesspool, the Bigfoot spoor, musk, whatever I’m gonna pretend it is, in various locations around there. And so I step out of frame, and I’m getting myself psyched up. I’m thinking back on my dramatic training, you know, and I’m kinda singing to myself, to get my, y’know—

Griffin: Yeah. Sure.

Clint: [sings Into the Woods] The way is clear, the light is good. I’m getting all pumped up, and then I roll my shoulders up and I kinda hunch up, and I start to lumber, you know, I lumber into the shot, and I walk around and I’m making an effort to keep my face kind of away from the—

Griffin: Are you wearing a mask?

Clint: Oh I got my Wookiee head, my Wookiee head’s on.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: I got the Wookiee head on. I used a little bit of makeup to, like, put weird markings on it. I’ve streaked the wookie fur. I mean, you know, it’s not gonna be so obvious to be like, Peter Mayhew.

Griffin: Sure.

Clint: And I’m lumbering, and I’m making a [growls].

Griffin: Do you get the… I feel like we got the scene. Do you get it in one take? Or, whats… do you get it in one? Are you one-take Ned?

Clint: Well, I take a one, but then I didn’t like my motivation, and I really didn’t like the voice, so I’m setting up and I blur it up a little bit. It was a little bit too in-focus, you know.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: So I take a little bit out of focus, and I’m lumbering, and here I got again, and I’m set, ready, and go. And I lumber a little bit more threatening, now I look a little bit more, you know, bestial.

Griffin: Got it.

Clint: And I’m making a different noise, I’m trying out [makes more high-pitched animal noise]

Griffin: Let’s say that’s the magic take, you get the—

Clint: [crosstalk] That’s good, that’s a ten.

Griffin: The light is, it’s the golden hour, the light is perfect.

Clint: I step out of the frame and I say:



Griffin: And that’s where we are, I think you pop your mask off, and you’re looking at the footage on the LCD display on the back of the camera, and you’re looking at the footage, and you’re feeling pretty good about it. It looks like you did a great job of sort of making it visible, but not like, too clear. And you got your mask off and you’re looking at this footage, and it is while you are looking at this footage that you see a figure emerge from the woods. You see a guy pop out from behind… not pop out to like surprise you, he’s just walking, but you see him.

Clint: Do I notice him, could I notice him in the playback first?

Griffin: No, I don’t think he was that close to you.

Clint: Oh, okay.

Griffin: I think you got good, clean, fake Bigfoot footage. But you see this man walk out of the woods, and he’s tall and kinda burly, he’s wearing a flannel shirt. He’s got a scruffy beard, he’s walking kinda slowly, with intent, and he’s got his arms stuck out. And you can see, dangling from his closed fist, there’s this chain with a faintly glowing orange crystal at the end of it. And he’s paying rapt attention to this pendant that he’s holding until he spots you. And he clumsily tries to, sorta, nonchalantly pull it back up into his hand to hide it, and this man says:





















Griffin: This man looks kind of nervous. Just as you kind of didn’t anticipate seeing anybody out in the woods tonight, you get the sense that he also did not anticipate seeing anybody else out in the woods tonight. And he says:





Griffin: He says:





Griffin: He flashes a smile and he’s like:











Griffin: And as he says that, from out in the woods, almost actually directly behind where you were filming your footage, you see a figure kind of skulking toward you. And as it does, you actually see that crystal that Barclay’s trying to hide in his fist, you see it kind of shining through the cracks in his fingers. And there’s something wrong with this figure that’s skulking out of the woods. It’s moving kind of unnaturally, it’s neck is, like, cocked to the side. It has this trail of black ooze kind of streaming out of its mouth, and though it’s moving, its face looks kind of lifeless. But all that aside, you recognize this figure because you’ve lived in the mountains of West Virginia long enough. It’s a bobcat.

{51:05}

Griffin: Duck, you have walked these woods more days than nearly every other living human being. You’ve been doing this long enough that you’ve traversed all over, but for reasons beyond your understanding, you’ve never stood at this spot and seen this stone archway. It’s a humble thing, it’s just two slabs of solid stone with a third perched on top between them— kind of like the gates of Stonehenge— and the moonlight is shining down on it as the moon reaches its zenith overhead, nearly full. And the air is still again, save for the sounds of that enormous being that just attacked you, in the distance, that’s still sort of rooting through the woods. But it’s pretty far off, that noise. And as you’re looking at this stone gateway shining in the moonlight, that vision appears to you once again, and she’s several feet away from you, and she’s investigating this archway kind of curiously. And she says:





Griffin: I think, when you say that, you hear that monster, and now it’s just a little bit louder. Just a little bit closer to you, and this vision in front of you says:





Clint: [amused] Bearin’ down!



Griffin: Uh, no. It wouldn’t. And you just know that, just because it’s not big enough.

Justin: All right. Well, that seems a good a [sic] option as any.



Griffin: I think she just disregards your question. She takes a moment, almost like, uh, like she’s trying to process what you’ve just asked, but doesn’t even understand how to begin answering that, and she says:



Griffin: And then she’s gone again, and it’s just you, and the gate, and the monster in the woods behind you.

Justin: All right. I mean, I guess I run through the gate.

Griffin: You hear the sound of the monster getting louder and louder, and you run towards this empty gate. As you do, the moon overhead reaches its absolute zenith, and where you could once see sort of the forest beyond the archway, now you just see this solid plane of dazzling white light. And it rattles you for just a moment, as do the sharp winds that are blowing away from the gate in every direction. But you continue your approach, with your hand nervously outstretched, and your fingers graze the light.

And then we see the woods from above, and we see this circle of light retreat inward almost as quickly as it appeared, until it is no more. And then we see that clearing again, and the air is still, and the evening is quiet, and the archway is empty.

{55:06}

Griffin: Aubrey: what kind of questions do you have for Mama?



Griffin: She says:



Griffin: And Mama looks at the guests in this lobby and she nods. And they look kinda nervous for a second, but then one by one they stand up, and they start undoing different accessories: some bracelets, necklaces, a couple of them slip off rings that they’re wearing, and one by one they transform. The two guests seated at the chessboard grow in stature, and grow these thick layers of fur surrounding them, and suddenly they’re just werewolves. The guest that was dusting the piano turns transparent and spectral. And Dani’s skin starts glowing slightly, and her eyes turn this dark orange, and her teeth become long and pointed, and you are suddenly standing in this lobby with a bunch of monsters.



Griffin: Mama says:





Griffin: She kinda laughs and says:





Griffin: She says:



{music}

Griffin: Barclay kinda has his arm at his side. And his hand, the one that wasn’t holding the crystal, his fingers are kind of stretched out, almost like he’s sorta giving you a “Stay back,” and he says out of the side of his mouth, he says:









Griffin: He says:



Griffin: And the two of you start walking backwards slowly, and Barclay steps on a twig that snaps. And as that happens, the bobcat starts charging toward you. And it’s coming at you fast, and Barclay looks at you, and he says:



[Amnesty theme starts playing]

Griffin: And he starts running towards the bobcat, and he pulls up his shirtsleeve, and you see him untie a hempen bracelet. And in the blink of an eye, this gentle, bearded man you were just talking to disappears, and in his place is Bigfoot.

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]