Ep. 56: The Suffering Game - Chapter Six/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone…

Griffin: You see in this sapphire mirror, another world. You see tens of thousands of these floating white lights sailing over a giant lake comprised of swirling rainbow-hued waters...

Griffin: Another rift opens in space and out of that rift, that white fire comes out of it. The Red Robe leans down and you can like see the Red Robe doing this now, and it extends a skeletal finger, and it’s a symbol that thieves use to let others know that it’s gonna pop off soon.

Travis: Cool.

Justin: That’s fun!

Griffin: Three words appear on the ceiling: Boss Rush. Begin.

Griffin: And all of a sudden Cam is now… levitating??

Justin: Hell yeah!

Travis: Yeah!

Griffin: And he holds the wand in his mouth--



Griffin: He looks over at you, Magnus, and he says,



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: And then he points his wand at Jenkins and the two meat monsters and he says,



[theme music plays]

Clint: May I ask a stupid question?

Griffin: No, please [do]!

Clint: Is there some significance to ‘boss rush room’?

Griffin: A boss rush is just like a video game thing, like in Mega Man, before you face the final boss, you have to fight all the bosses that you fought so far.

Clint: Right. Okay.

Justin: That’s good content though, because that’s good for our elderly listeners as well.

Griffin: That’s true!

Justin: All the senior citizens that listen --

Griffin: [clearly making fun of stereotypical ‘elite gamers’, sarcastically with irony] Who’ve never played a fuckin Mega Man game because they’re not ““true elite gamers””

Travis: [joining in sarcastically] Yeah, they’re newbs, they’re cas-ualls.

Clint: Uh, thank you. Thank you for the compliment.

Griffin: Dad, you’re such a caz-yullll.

Travis: You’re a caz-u-all.

Griffin: Uh so Cam, with his wand in mouth -- by the way, we need to ret-con: Taako, did you get your wand repaired at some point? ‘Cause I got a lot of tweets from folks last episode saying you did break your wand in the ogre trial, and the reason we didn’t remember that is because it was a hundred and fifty THOUSAND years ago.

[laughter]

Justin: Yeah, that was, that was in the, uh, novella that was given out as a pre-order bonus.

Griffin: Yeah, there was a novella in which you duct-taped your shit back together.

Travis: [sounding pleased with himself for the joke/Harry Potter reference] Spell-o-tape!

Justin: I fixed my shit with magic. Like it’s ludicrous to me that I wouldn’t have fixed it by now.

Clint: Sure.

Justin: C’mon.

Griffin: Cam casts Maximillian's Earthen Grasp. And because there’s not really any earth in here, a big ol’ hand, bigger than a mage hand, forms out of some of the bodies of the mannequins in the back of the room. And this hands reaches out and tries to grab---

[Sound of lots of dice clattering loudly on a table]

Griffin: Whoa, what the fuck was that?!

Justin: [laughing] That was just me dumpin’ a bunch of dice on the table.

Griffin: Oh, all right.

Justin: Gettin’ ready to play Dungeons and Dragons!

Griffin: It grabs the meat monster on the right, [sound of dice rolling] and it does grab it for… 12 points of damage! Which is actually enough to kill it. So I think this fist just comes in and it squeezes this meat monster into hamburger goo.

Clint: Eewwww [makes a gross squishing noise]

Griffin: And then... as a bonus action, Cam opens that hand up just flat-palm and sends it flying across the room, smashing into the other meat monster, and just kind of swatting it up against the wall.

Justin: I, I too am a Magic Boy™ and I’ve never had a bonus action in my fuckin’ life. Like, what’s the story with that?

Travis: Yeah, like he’s really coppin’ all of our swagger.

Griffin: Cam is-- Cam is uninhibited by a bunch of extra weight. He’s an efficient -- what do you cast spells with? Your brain? He is just a streamline spell casting machine.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: I, I can live with that.

Griffin: Uh, next up is… Mmm-- who was at the bottom of the action? Magnus!

Travis: Me! I’m gonna step up, and I’m gonna punch Jenkins with Phantom Fist.

Griffin: Okay, just for old time’s sake, or?

[sound of dice rolling]

[Justin giggles]

Travis: Well I’ll tell ya in a second, it’s a-- I rolled… it’s a… 20?

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: Uh, attack.

Griffin: Okay, that is– that is more than sufficient.

Travis: Okay, cool. D4 [rolls dice] 3. Plus 4, so that’s 7 damage! And then I’m gonna push him back into that sphere of tentacles and Della Reeses.

Griffin: Okay, uh, all right, you do so--

Travis: And while he’s flying back, second action, I’m gonna throw my Chance Lance at him.

Griffin: Wow, shit. That’s -- okay

Travis: So 12. Plus 8 -- or is it the same as Railsplitter?

Griffin: Uh, it’s the same as Railsplitter. 1d8.

Travis: Okay so, plus nine. So 21.

Griffin: Okay, yeah that’ll do it.

[Rolls dice]

Travis: 6... plus 5, so 11 damage.

Griffin: Okay. That, uh, that hurts him... a lot. Next up is Jerkins. Which is, I guess it autocorrected? [Clint guffaws] I have it saying, in my text document, “Jerkins goes after Magnus who is next” to try to remember the order. So even my text document is not a fan. Um, Taako, roll 2d6 cold damage, for Hunger of Hadar.

Justin: Yuppp. [rolls his dice] That’s a 2. [rolls again] And a 3.

Griffin: Kay. Jerkins is lookin’ pretty bad-off. [pauses dramatically] Merle! Sumthin’ bad happens.



Griffin: Della Reese… rears back her angelic arm to stab her magic sword into Jenkins, but ju--

Clint: This is gonna be great!

Griffin: But riiiight before she makes contact--



Griffin: She freezes, and she kinda flickers like a TV losing reception...

[Merle sighs dejectedly]

Griffin: And then disappears. And, Merle, you’ve cast this spell like countless times--

Clint: Countless.

Griffin: But you’ve never seen anything like this. In fact, all these hiccups that your holy powers have been going through all day, you haven’t experienced anything quite like it in all your days of cleric-dom.

Um, Jenkins is going to take a step backwards towards the mannequin pile, out of the sphere of Hadar’s whatever, and he casts [Travis starts laughing] outta Bill Hader’s evil sphere, and he casts Dispel Magic. And the field of inky black tentacles disappears.

[Justin sighs with disappointment]

Griffin: All three of you notice, at the far edge of the room just behind the mannequin body pile, and sort of adjacent to the door - the exit door to this room - all three of you see - I won’t make you do a perception check because it’s pretty clear as day - you see a dresser just appear out of nowhere. and then it quickly disappears, and it’s replaced by a bookshelf. And then that bookshelf disappears, and then it’s a fireplace, and then it’s a lamp, and then it’s nothing.

And Magnus with your True Sight, you see the Red Robe channelling the black smoke to create those objects over there on the far end of the room. Taako, you’re up.

Justin: Uhm- [Justin clears his throat]

Griffin: You got a pretty bad-off Jerkins. All the area of effect spells have been spirited away at this point. And you got your, the -- well, you don’t know what’s happening but there’s magical objects appearing in the corner of the room.

Justin: Uhhhhmmm, okayyy. Uh, can I do an arcana check as a free action to see if I have any insight into that? What’s happening over there..?

Griffin: Yeah, sure!

Justin: [rolls] Uh that’s a 2! Haaa!

Griffin: That’s a cool - it’s a nice dresser, you notice that! Probably full of... wonderful clothes. But it’s weird that it turned into a bookshelf though. You’re like “What?! That’s craaazyyy!”

Justin: [in a monotone] That’s crazy… Uhmm [hums as he thinks] I’m going to um, hit, that fuckin---

Griffin: Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention this: the room around you, it kinda… it appears like you’re on the Rockport Limited again. Like, the room around you looks like you’re in a train car battling, and there’s like virtual windows looking out to like the passing countryside, like you’re on a train. Like, the room is recreating the scenes of these classic battles.

Travis: What a nice treat for the audience!

Justin: Uhh let’s see, I’m going to…hurt Jenkins! [Griffin starts giggling as Justin struggles] With a magical spell! Of my own choosing! ...Of my own…

Travis: Nice!

Griffin: Kay.

Clint: This would be a spell that is magical?

Justin: Yeah, I’m just gonna do - you know what? I’m not gonna get clever on him. I’m just gonna hit him with a juicy, juicy, Scorching Ray.

Griffin: Mmkay!

Justin: I gotta make a ranged spell attack for each ray--

Clint: [singing softly] Are you scorching raayyy…

Justin: --There are three rays of them.

Griffin: [impressed] Oh, that’s fun, Dad!

Travis: That was a good joke, Daddy!

Clint: I’m just bringing back an old one from the past!

Griffin: That’s a classic!

Travis: All right!

Clint: You’re bringing back all the bosses!

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: [going along with the joke] That’s a good point, Dad! Let’s do all our old jokes in this one!

[cackling laughter]

Justin: [overlapping and eventually drowned out by Travis] Especially if they are like--

Travis: Yeah, let’s make this, this is like our ‘trapped in a room’ episode, y’know, where we all--

Griffin: --Yeah, this is our “bottle” episode.

Justin: --Yeah, especially if they’re from other podcasts. That’s ideal.

Griffin: Janitor Morton’s gonna be back at 8AM! We got a lotta time to kill!

[sound of dice rolling three times]

Justin: 18. 15. 18!

Griffin: Remember when Dougie found that dead body? I think it went a little somethin’ like this!

Justin: 18. 15. 18. Those are the three attacks.

Griffin: All three of those are-- yes.

Justin: Lemme just roll some damage real quick.

[sound of dice rolling repeatedly]

Justin: Uh, 5 for the first ray. 4 for the second ray. 8 for the third ray.

Griffin: Yeah, for sure. Jenkins goes flying backwards as these rays hit him and he is vanquished. And as he goes down, something happens that hasn’t happened in a while! And that is--

Travis: We feel something! [Justin holds back laughter]

Griffin: He, he drops his wand, and Taako, your Umbra staff turns inside out, and sucks that wand in, and devours it. And it’s been awhile since you’ve taken down a magic-user like this but, [Justin: Mhm] you remember the Umbra staff is capable of consuming the magic essence of your defeated foes. So it has a little wand snack [Justin makes Cookie Monster omnomnom noises] And it turns right-side out again. And you feel… you feel… energised!

Justin: Oooh!

Griffin: You feel like you’ve recovered, which is weird, you haven’t felt that in Wonderland very much, and you have in fact recovered your spell slots.

Justin: [laughing with relief] Ohh hoho, delicious! Delicious!

Griffin: With that, Jenkins goes flying back, his mannequin sorta falls out of his form and goes flying into the pile in the back of the room. And that pile transforms, with the help of some of that black smoke, into a massive shape, the biggest shape you’ve seen so far. It’s about 10 feet tall, and it has sorta a conical shape, and then as it starts to take form, you realise it is the shark tank from your race in the Goldcliff Desert. And in fact, the screen walls and ceiling around you transform as if to look like the badlands surrounding Goldcliff flying past you. And you are up against the shark tank. And, next in the order is Merle!

Clint: Okay! I’m going to -- I can’t heal --

Griffin: Nope!

Clint: I suck at attacks--

Griffin: Can’t crow, can’t fly--

Clint: All right! Here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to cast Divination.

Griffin: Okay!

Clint: This puts me in touch with a god or god’s servant, so in this case: Pan. I get to ask a single question--

Griffin: [gleefully] Oho this is perfect, thank you. This is a gift.

Clint: --Concerning a goal, event, or activity...

Griffin: Okay

Clint: and I have to get a truthful reply...

Griffin: All right

Clint: ...from the god.

Griffin: Uh, okay.

Travis: Once again, I love doing this ‘cause I like contextualising what’s going on. So what’s just happened is this shark tank has appeared and then--

Griffin: --And then Merle prays.

Travis: --Merle’s just gone “Hold on, one second!” And then just like starts praying. And everybody just like… holds.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: [clearly tickled] And everyone’s just like, okay.

Clint: I’m of no use as long as my powers aren’t working!

Griffin: Yeeep.

Travis: [holding back laughter] And so to combat that, you use one of your powers!

Griffin: You - you pray---

Clint: Travis, I am -- Merle is a deeply spiritual character [Travis busts up laughing] and in times of need, he turns to his god for guidance.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Merle is a religious person when he needs something.

Griffin: Okay, what’s your question?



Clint: You want more?

Travis: [overlapping] Oh god, no!

Griffin: Well, I mean, just the question--

Clint: And I have to get a truthful answer? Correct?

Griffin: Uh. Yes.

Clint: Okay. What is going on with my holy powers?

Griffin: Here is the truthful response [holy music starts to play] - this is Griffin, not Pan speaking. Here is the truthful response to your question, Merle: Pan’s not answering. And it’s not… it’s, you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he’s just not... He’s just not there! And he’s not, he’s… he’s not there supporting you with a holy power, he’s not.. He’s just– he’s just gone! And this is fuckin’ terrifying. Like you, this spell that you’re casting is essentially like a telephone call of a prayer, and Pan has always answered… but not this time. He is not there.

Clint: So--

Griffin: And it’s not like, it’s not, you can tell, it’s not like you’re getting bad reception on your prayer. You feel it going through, he’s just not pickin’ up.

Clint: He’s not there, or he’s not answering?

Griffin: You don’t, you don’t know the answer to that. But he’s not… he just.. The reason that your spells aren’t working is because they are powered by Pan and right now, Pan is not there for you.

[music fades out]

Clint: So, so I, I get another turn then, right?

[Griffin and Travis laugh]

Griffin: Um, yeah, if you wanna-- yeah, sure. I think that’s only fair!

Clint: But now my spells are working, just not as well! Correct?

Griffin: Uhm, they are working less and less well, yes.

Clint: All right, well then while I’ve got a little bit, I’m gonna cast Bless on all three of us.

Griffin: Okay! What’s that do?

Clint: It is a-- I’m still buffering -- [adopting a radio announcer voice for quickly reading the fine print] “Still Buffering” is a copyrighted feature --

Travis: [reacting to the reference to Still Buffering] Aaa -- aa--

Griffin: That’s fine.

Clint: [reading from the D&D manual] Uh, “whenever a target makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the attack roll or the saving throw.”

Griffin: How long’s that last?

Clint: It lasts… wow. Up to a minute!

Griffin: Okay, I mean that’s 10 turns! So.

Clint: Yeah. So yeah, so all three of us now can add a d4.

Griffin: Cool.

Clint: Should I roll the d4 now or every time it happens?

Griffin: No I think it’s, I think they roll it every time they do something that the Blessing… works on.

Clint: All right and they get d4 to add to their attack or saving throw.

Griffin: Okay, cool! Shark tank is up. Um, and the shark tank’s not like moving at tank speed, obviously, otherwise it’d like burst through the wall or something. Instead, it opens up its mouth, and you see that nasty barbed spear that it used during the race and it points it at… Magnus.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: And fires off of a volley.

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: Uhh, no. 14? No.

Travis: Nope.

Griffin: It just shoots and misses you, and sorta skids across the ground, and then gets pulled back into its mouth.

Justin: What is attacking? Like…?

Griffin: It’s a tank in the shape of a shark.

Justin: Right, okay, great.

Griffin: Magnus, you’re up!

Travis: Cam not up?

Griffin: Oh, oh yeah! Good point, Cam is up! Cam is gonna caaast… the fuck is Cam gonna cast? Uhhh Cam’s gonna cast Lightning Bolt, cause Cam’s a good sorcerer boy. Uh, a stroke of lightnin--a line 100 feet long and 5 feet wide blasts out from a direction you choose. Uh, every creature in the line makes a dex saving throw.

[sound of the dice rolling and then bouncing onto the floor]

Griffin: Oh shit, oh God, oh God where’d it go? [Griffin is clearly diving under the table to rescue his dice, as his voice drifts faintly from the mic] no no no no! [laughs]

[someone snorts as he rolls again]

Uh the shark tanks saves, but it still takes half damage. Which...

[sound of dice rolling]

Is 15 damage. Normally it does 8d6, it’s a hell of a spell. So, a line of of lightning shoots and I think wherever this line hits up against the wall, some of the LED screen just stops working. And like some sparks shoot out of it. Um, you see something in the corner of the room again. You see, um, right where that same sort of collection of stuff appeared before, you see a potted plant appear, and then a guillotine, and then a marble column, and then a coat rack, and then nothing. Magnus, you’re up.

Travis: Well, okay, well first, I’m going to tell my shield the bold story of the time I fought the shark before.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s the truth.

Travis: That’s a plus 1 AC.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: Then, okay, so now-- uh, the construction of it, Griffin, the thing like shot out a spear from like, the mouth of the…?

Griffin: Yeah. And the mouth is filled with, I believe, if memory serves, these rows of circling teeth that are like, moving in opposing directions. And it does have its mouth open now because it just launched its spear attack.

Travis: Now, is there still, like a pile of mannequins?

Griffin: Yeah. It’s behind it, but yes.

Travis: Okay, cool.

Griffin: Um, you gonna take a turn off, just to go get some arms or?

Travis: Yeah! In fact, I am! Um, like listen, at this point, the magic people seem to have this shit down. All I’m gonna do is, what? Hit a tank with my axe? No no no. I’m gonna do what Magnus does best and go pull the arms off some things.

Griffin: [laughing with a little confusion] O-okayy!

Travis: So I’m going to Dash with my cunning action past the tank.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Uh, to get to the pile of mannequins.

Griffin: Um, unless you do some sort of fancy manoeuvre, it’s gonna have an attack of opportunity on you. Dash is just double-move, it doesn’t negate attack of opportunity.

Travis: Oh yeah, okay, yeah yeah yeah, so Disengage is what I want. So I can run past it.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Yeah, so I’m going to use Disengage, run past the tank, and get to the thing, and I’m gonna pull the arms off, maybe throw the bodies at the tank?

Griffin: [laughing] Okay! All right, make an attack roll!

[sound of dice rolling]

Travis: 11 plus… what? 8? That’s my standard attack bonus. For uh, arms. [Griffin laughs]

Griffin: Uh, it’d just be your strength plus your proficiency bonus. But uh yeah, let’s say you throw these mannequins, you throw a couple of mannequin bodies in, you pick one up with each arm, and chuck it into the shark tank’s open mouth, and it gets caught in the encircling rows of saw-blade teeth, and kinda gums up the works a lil bit and the shark tank’s mouth kinda slams shut. Um, yeah.

Next up in the order is Taako--

Travis: Hey hold up. One more question.

Griffin: Oh, sorry. Yeahh?

Travis: This pile of bodies, they’re all wood, right?

Griffin: Yeah.

[pause]

Travis: Okay. [holding back laughter] I’m gonna start a fire with my tinderbox.

[beat]

Griffin: [exasperated] This is… n… this is… think about a fire! You have 6 seconds--

Travis: I can’t do magic, Griffin!

Griffin: [in his high pitched hysterical voice] Okay but think about a fire, and you have 6 seconds-- have you watched Survivor when they do the fire-making challenge?? It takes wicked longer than six seconds!!

Travis: Well I’m not doing anything! Like I got, I got some turns to wait. They gotta go, I’m last in the order--

Griffin: [exasperated but trying not to laugh] Yeah, all right, it’s fine, it’s f-- yeah, you use your tinderbox and some of the mannequins start to catch fire.

Travis: Thaaank you--

Griffin: Well, we’ll have some fun with this! Magnus, as you catch this pile of mannequins on fire--

Travis: Very patiently.

Griffin: Very patiently, you see, pretty close to you now, you see the Red Robe create, using that black smog, create an oven, and then a pile of crates, and then a tall portrait of a woman, and then, nothing. Uh, Taako, you are up.

Travis: Do I recognise the woman?

Griffin: Nope! It’s just, it is just a big rectangular portrait of a woman.

Clint: What were those three things again?

Griffin: I promise it’s not important.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: You won’t be quizzed on that.

Travis: But what if that’s what he wants us to think?

[laughter]

Justin: Exactly.

Griffin: Taako.

Justin: I am going to… Shoot. This– dumb thing.

Griffin: You have a gun?

Justin: With a gun that I brought from home!

Griffin: I don’t remember giving you a gun!

[Travis laughs]

Travis: Oh I remember!

Justin: Yeah, I have a gun that I--

Travis: It was in the same novella where he fixed his wand!

Griffin: [sarcastically] Oh, right.

Clint: It’s the pistol of Patroneus!

Justin: Y’know what, actually, how is this thing lookin’, Griffin? Are we making much of a dent here?

Griffin: You haven’t… made… any… I mean, Travis made its mouth shut.

Travis: Well and Cam hit it with lightning.

Griffin: Cam hit it with lightning, yes, but it’s still lookin’ pretty fuckin’ good.

Clint: So is that, all of its innards, everything is inside of it?

Griffin: I - that is such a weird, sort of existential…

Travis: Are the innards inside of it? Yes, that’d be the outards.

Justin: Okay, I grow bored with this fight. [Travis laughs] I’m casting Polymorph on myself.

Griffin: Oh fuckin’ wowww.

Justin: Griffin, I’m textin’ you.

Griffin: Oh!

Justin: Because you’ll need this information. If you could just describe to everybody what they see.

Griffin: [frustrated] Oh my God, Justin.

Justin: [innocently and expectantly] Yes?

[dramatic, epic music begins to play]

Griffin: [reading Justin’s description] Taako’s arms sink into his chest so that he’s just got sort of little arms, and his head gets really big and really long and his teeth get very sharp and he grows a tail, and he turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

[Clint sounds like he’s collapsed from laughter]

A huge beast--

Travis: Meanwhile, Magnus setting a fire to--



Griffin: [struggling to maintain composure] Uhh, Dupree can... Multi-attack using its bite and its… okay, and also its tail - its T-Rex tail so, all right---



Griffin: --What are ya doin?

Clint: [delighted] Can it be givin’ the finger with its little tiny hands?

Justin: Imma bite its dumb shit off!

Griffin: All right.

Justin: Imma bite the motherfucker.

Griffin: Okay, that’s a plus 10 to hit.

Justin: Yeah.

[Rolls dice]

Justin: Uh, that’s a nat 20.

Griffin: Oh my God.

Clint: Ohoho!!

Griffin: That means you roll 8d12 plus 7 for that attack.

Justin: m’kay.

[Clint laughs himself into a coughing fit]

Travis: So should we all just like take a break? While Justin rolls his twelve dice?

[epic music fades out]

Justin: Which one’s d12?

Griffin: 8, it’s the one with the 12 on it, but no-- it doesn’t have 13. If it has 13, you’ve gone too far.

[sound of rolling dice]

Justin: 10!

Clint: 10!

[rolls again]

Justin: 2

[rolls again]

Justin: 5

[rolls again]

Justin: 11. 10, 2, 5, 11.

Travis: Okay, 28.

[rolls again]

Justin: Uh that’s a 9.

Travis: 37.

[rolls again]

Justin: 5.

Travis: 42

[rolls again]

Justin: 3.

Travis: 45.

Justin: Is that… all of ‘em?

[Griffin laughs in amazement]

Justin: It’s 4d12, right?

Griffin: Yeah

Justin: So it’s just the first 4 numbers, right?

[Clint is counting in the background]

Clint: I thought he said 8.

Griffin: It’s 8d12, bud.

Clint: Well, one more.

Justin: Wait, why’s it 8d12?

Griffin: ‘Cause you critted.

Justin: Oh, that’s right, okay, groovy.

[rolls again]

11.

Clint: 56.

Justin: 56 points of damage plus 7.

Clint: 63.

Justin: Or is it plus 14 since I critted?

Griffin: Uh, nah, I think it’s just plus 7-- it is enough to fuckin’--you bite the fuckin’ head off this shark tank--

[Travis cackling with glee]

And as you rip the top off this shark tank you also see the body of… I think it was Marvey? was the driver. You see the legs of Marvey sitting in the pilot’s seat that you chomped in half, as you pull back. And---

Travis: Like the lawyer?

Griffin: Huh?

Travis: Like the lawyer from Jurassic Park?

Griffin: Very much like the lawyer from Jurassic Park. That poor guy, I always felt bad for him, he’s just tryin ta poop!

[laughter]

Justin: Can we please...?

Griffin: Anyway, uh, you’ve destroyed the shark tank. Hey, how long do you get to stay a fuckin’ T-Rex, ‘cause I’m worried these balance issues might pop up!

Justin: Yeah that’s what, I was kinda thinkin’ about it, I mean I’m concentrating.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Fair.

Justin: I can’t cast other spells, but I can do it for an hour.

Griffin: Okay!



[Clint giggling]

Justin: Did I mention he has the hat? [half-laughing] It’s fuckin’ funny.

Clint: Like a fedora, kinda thing?

Justin: [firmly] No, no, not in any way, shape or form a fedora. Like, a sweet, fuckin’ cool wizard hat. Like Taako’s.

Clint: Oh wowww.

Travis: Is it T-Rex sized or is it still Taako-sized?

Justin: Still Taako-siiiiized.

[overlapping enthusiasm]

Griffin: That’s very good, that’s very good.

Justin: Jauntily… angled.

Clint: Get ready, cosplayers!

Justin: [overlapping] Hah, yeah, cosplay as a t-rex!

Griffin: The shark tank falls over, which is weird--

[laughter from all]

And turns into just a big sorta sub-pile of mannequins in black smog. And they all sort of congregate back all together into the now flaming pile, and some of the smog picks up all of the mannequins now. All -- the whole pile of mannequins has been sucked up into this new shape, and it forms sort of a big tubular shape -- I’m describing the shape of it, not how rad it is -- although it’s pretty fuckin’ rad because what it forms is not just a purple worm, but a purple worm that is on fire.

Justin: Cool.

Griffin: And it is occupying pretty much all of the space in this room. Not all of it, but most of it. It’s bigger than -- it’s bigger than t-rex Taako is--sorry, Dupree is.

Justin: Dupree. Thank you.

Griffin: It is gargantuan. Not as big as the purple worm that you faced in Refuge, because that thing was miles big, but pretty terrifying. And as this appears you hear Cam say,



Travis: Can Dupree only say Dupree? Is he a Pokemon??

Justin: Yeah, well, I have to---

Clint: He’s like Groot!

Justin: Taako is focusing to keep this up, but he adopts the stats of Dupree and Dupree’s intelligence is 2. So yes.

[Griffin laughs with delight]

Clint: Well and also you got a brain in your head and a brain in your ass, if you’re a T-Rex.

Justin: [overlapping] Yeah, that’s true. This seems like an opportuuuune time for the second half of my multi-attack.

Griffin: Yeeeeup.

Justin: Which I can only have against 2 separate targets, so it’s excellent that that one died and the other one came up!

[jealous scoff from Clint]

Griffin: Whaddya usin’, “Primal Rage”? Your fuckin’ face or your butt?

[laughter]

Justin: No, it’s, I get one with the bite and one with the tail.

Griffin: Oh, I see, I see, so it is butt.

[sound of rolling dice]

Justin: Yeah. So that’s a 19 plus 10.

Clint: [laugh-crying with envy] 19! Oh God!

Justin: Is that a hit? Is that one a hit? 29?

Griffin: Uh, here’s the thing: it’s barely a hit.

Justin:  That’s--I mean that, I’ll take it.

[sound of dice rolling]

Justin: 6.

[rolls again]

Justin: 4

[rolls again]

Justin: 7

Travis and Clint: 17

Justin: Plus 7

Travis: 24

Griffin: Uh 24, you actually only do 12 damage to it, ‘cause this purple worm is resistant to physical---

Justin: ---T-Rexes?!

[all laugh]

Griffin: Uh, no, just any, any physical damage, this purple worm is, uh, is gonna be resistant to.

Clint: Ohhh! So it’s a dinosaur, not the band, T-Rex!

Justin: [going along with the joke] No, n-no, no, an actual--

Clint: [overlapping] Okay, I gotcha, I gotcha.

Griffin: Although he can bang a gong.

Justin: Yes.

Clint: Hee hee hee.

Justin: Yes, and he does wonder about the metal guru, is it true.

[Clint giggling]

Griffin: The purple worm gets dropped in the order now. And you see its mouth fill up with flames and all of you, including the T-Rex and Cam need to make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: I’m behind it.

Griffin: Huh?

Travis: I’m behind it?

Griffin: Fair play! You’re good.

Clint: Awesome.

[sound of noisy, clunky dice rolling from multiple people]

Griffin: What the fuck, Cam?!? Cam got a 19. Cam fuckin like, nope! Cam’s head floats up to the ceiling really fast.

Travis: [laughs] I mean he’s very aerodynamic.

Griffin: I guess so!

Justin: Okay, so that’s 11 for Dupree.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Merle rolled a perfect… 1.

Justin: [ominously] Ohhhh.

Travis: Ouchie.

Griffin: All right.

[Griffin rolls a die]

Griffin: Does Dupree have different health than Taako does?

Justin: Dupree’s got 136 hit points.

[someone snorts from the absurdity]

Griffin: Mmkay.

Justin: Lemme get a slice.

[Clint laughs loudly]

Griffin: Uh, 16 points of fire damage.

Clint: [whispers] Wow.

Griffin: The purple worm, this flaming purple worm, you also see where you whipped it with its tail, you left like a little scratch, you see it start to close over as it recovers some health and it roars horrifyingly. And! You see, in the corner: a tall rectangular crate appear, and then you see a window, and then finally, you see a door.

And as it forms this door in the wall, you see: it’s an open, wooden-framed door, and it flickers and all of a sudden it’s a cobblestone-lined door, and then it flickers and it’s a big great heavy metal door, and then it’s a big glass door - but it’s always a door. And as soon as it forms, the Red Robe looks over at you, Magnus, and with its free hand, the one it’s not conjuring this with, it waves enthusiastically.



Travis: And I take off running for the door.

Griffin: Okay! We can bounce outta combat. The door, the door is open, you do have the purple worm there. Magnus is fine, Magnus was clear of it. Merle and Taako, if you wanna get to it, you’re gonna have to do something. And Cam.

Justin: I scoop both of ‘em up in my jaws.

Clint: OW!

Griffin: Holy shit. Ginger--?

Justin: In a safe, in a safe, ginger way.

Griffin: Okay--

Justin: It’s Dupree, he’s a man of class and distinction, with 2 intelligence!

Griffin: Okay, huge problem. You do get ‘em over there and the purple worm takes a bite at your torso [rolls a die] and does hit Dupree.

Justin: Mmhmm.

[Griffin rolls dice]

Griffin: For 21 damage. Takes a big bite out of the side of Dupree.

Justin: --Ooph.

Griffin: And you get them to the door. Dupree, big problem - and we’ll see how your 2 intelligence deals with this - you’re much much too big to fit through this door.

Justin: Mhmm. Okay, so so uh… Taako - did I get them to the door yet?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Okay, good. Taako drops the spell - because he’s not a monster - he’s just a wizard pretending to be a dinosaur, and he turns it off, and walks through the door.

Travis: I hope you got them out of your mouth first!

Griffin: You definitely didn’t! So like, you did have a little like --

Justin: [indignantly] I said, I said, I got them to the door! You told me I got them to the door!

Griffin: Yeah but--

Justin: That would not imply they are still in my maw!

Griffin: All I’m saying is you got them to the door but they were still in your mouth, so when you transformed back, a little bit of Merle’s hand is in your mouth and you taste ‘em and it’s bad!

Justin: I didn’t bite it off though! Fool can’t afford to lose another one, right?

Griffin: No, no, no.

Clint: Maybe it’s my wood hand!

Justin: Yeah, could be. All right.

Griffin: [‘Saute’ by Griffin McElroy begins to play - funky, electronic disco adventure music] You all clear the door and as you do the purple worm kinda rears its body up to come smashing down and you just barely clear the door as it comes down behind you. And then the door… disappears. And Magnus, you saw the Red Robe move through too, so everybody has moved out of the room!

[Saute fades out]

[Commercial break 33:24-39:33]

[‘Saute’ resumes, transitioning back into play]

Griffin: You can tell that this chamber that you’ve stepped out into is not like the other ones you’ve been in since you’ve been here in Wonderland. It’s pretty dark in here, but you can tell that this chamber is still circular, but it’s way way bigger than all the rooms you’ve been in so far. It’s cavernous. And behind you, you see this massive cylinder. And it’s what you just stepped out of, but it’s completely featureless, except for a small label on its exterior wall that has your guys’ names on it.

And as you look around, you see there’s a bunch of these different cylinders - 38 of them to be exact - all wrapping around a huge central staircase. This big round central staircase which climbs 20 feet up to a circular platform at the centre of the chamber. And as you start to approach that staircase, Cam kinda hangs back and he says,



Clint: How’s he hanging back?

Griffin: Um, I mean he’s still levitating

Clint: [only kinda buying it] Oh! Okay.

Griffin: He says,

[Clint and Justin making high pitched skeptical noises]



Clint: Chad.



[Travis cackling]



Travis: [sarcastically] What’s the downside!



Griffin: He starts floating backwards, away from you guys,



Clint: We are never picking up another hitchhiker, it’s just not gonna happen.



Griffin: Uh, he says,



Griffin: And he was wearing uh-- he kind had it tucked up, tucked up behind his ear, and he just kinda does a little maneuver to put it in his mouth and he flings it at you.

Travis: And it’s super cool!

Griffin: It’s uh, okay. He goes and sorta skulks around and behind the massive cylinder that you all came out of.

Travis: He just floats around eating floating white ghosts and dots and cherries and stuff.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: So the one we came out of is the one with our names on it, is that right?

Griffin: Uh-huh!

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Can we just cursory look around and see if… y’know, if all the others are labelled…?

Griffin: Yeah, roll an investigation check.

[sound of d20 rolling]

Travis: I rolled a nat 20.

Justin: 15. Wow. That’s a good investigation check.

Clint: 5. [sighs]

Griffin: Magnus, you-- yeah, I mean, with a nat 20 you recognise that every chamber has labels with names on it. You see one that has Lucretia, Sterling, and Rowan’s name on it.

Clint: Wait, one chamber that has all three names?

Griffin: Uh huh! And there’s a bunch of chambers with a bunch of different names - you don’t recognise any of the other ones--

Travis: You said Lucretia, did you mean Lucretia?

Griffin: Oh sorry sorry sorry! No, no, no no, Antonia, not Lucretia. Um, yeah, it has their names on it, you don’t recognise any of the other name on the labels. With a 20, Magnus, you also realise, this cylinder that you stepped out of it is… you can kinda tell, especially if you walk up that staircase a little bit to get a better angle on it, it’s more or less the exact same shape of all of the rooms that you have been in, in Wonderland.

Travis: So it was just the same cylinder over and over again made to look different through the magic smoke stuff, right?

Griffin: Yup.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Um. A spotlight comes on the from the ceiling shining down on top of the central circular platform, which you can get a better angle on if you go up that staircase.

Travis: Yeah! I do that!

Griffin: Atop that central platform that spans about 30 feet in diameter, you see a few dozen seated figures all positioned around a raised catwalk that vivisects the circle. But all these figures are stationary because they are all mannequins. And these mannequins, they are the same ones that you saw during Heart Attack. They are all dressed up in high fashions, kinda like the stuff you’ve seen Lydia and Edward in, and simultaneously they all point up to the catwalk where a spotlight is illuminating the catwalk.

Travis: Is there anything on the catwalk?

Griffin: Nope.

Travis: Is it time for us to do our sexy turn on the catwalk?

Griffin: Uh, I think this would be a pretty good time for that.

Travis: I look at Taako.



Griffin: All of the mannequins simultaneously sorta pull their arms back and point, sorta more forcefully at the stage. All of them are looking at one of you. Their gaze is sorta split between all of you. And they are all pointing up to the catwalk.

Justin: I cast Prestidigitation, shoot sparks out of my fingers, cast Minor Illusion and put myself in a dope outfit, and start walkin’ down the catwalk with all the style and panache I can muster, which is, I should note, a fuckin’ lot.

Griffin: Yeah, roll a charisma roll. Roll a performance roll! We’ve never--

[rolls]

Justin: Oh, that’s weird. I got 30. Cause it’s fuckin’ so fly. [Griffin laughs] That’s very strange and interesting.

Griffin: Roll Performance. You’ve got advantage on this Performance roll.

[rolls]

Justin: Okay, 16 or 4, so it’s definitely 16.

Griffin: Uh yeah--

Justin: I don’t know if there’s any modifiers--

Griffin: The crowd is going wild. You stop in this, in the spotlight in this catwalk and the crowd is just fuckin’ losin’ their minds. And then all of a sudden all of them are looking at you, Magnus and Merle, and pointing up to the catwalk.

[simultaneously]



Clint: Yeah, I’m next.

Griffin and Travis: Okay!

Clint: I saunter up and what I do is I cunningly take my hand and pull my shirt down off one shoulder [Griffin: Oh fuck!] and I gyrate it [Justin: Nice.] and I look seductive, and then waddle across the catwalk [Justin laughing mockingly] to stand next to my… stunning cosmetically enhanced friend.

Griffin: Roll a Performance check.

[sound of dice rolling and then a hand smacking the table in frustration]

Clint: Another freakin’ 5.

Griffin: Ummmm, there’s a few-- you hear like 3 of the mannequins be like [slow claps]

[Clint laughs]

You do not get as warm a reception. And now all of them are looking at you, Magnus, and pointing up to the catwalk.

Travis: Awesome, I get up, and I, using like my Chance Lance do like a super sick kinda baton slash like y’know gun twirling exercise like you might see in like a military show.

Griffin: Okay, roll performance.

[sound of dice rolling]

Travis: That’s a 13?

Griffin: Uh, you get a pretty, you get an okay reception. You get a pretty good reception for that. All of you are up on the catwalk now, and, uh, you hear Edward say -- you don’t see either of the liches but you hear their voices, and you hear Edward say:



Griffin: And Lydia says:



Griffin: And every mannequin just stands up and is, like, giving you a big standing ovation. And Edwards says, uh:



Travis: Eugh!

Griffin: You hear Lydia say:



Griffin: And Edward says:



Griffin: And Lydia says:



Griffin: Uh, and Edward says:

Griffin: And, uh, Lydia says:



Griffin: And, uh, every mannequin kinda walks up to the catwalk and they’re kind of, like, they’re kind of reaching for you? Like they’re desperate fans just trying to get ahold of your -- the hem of your garment. And Edward says:



[All at once]: Word of mouth?



Griffin: And you hear the Animus Bell ring. And just like all the other grand relics you’ve seen used during your journey, the effects are immediate and horrible. Taako and Merle, make a perception check for me?

Clint: Yeah, I’ll roll another 5. [rolls] Oh, 19.

Justin: Yeah, 9 for me.

Griffin: You see Magnus reel backwards, threatening to just fall straight back, and, um, you both see a light cast out of the back of his body for just the briefest moment as he falls. And then you see him spasm, and come to, and he throws a leg back to catch himself before he fully loses his balance. And he steadies himself on Rail-Splitter. And he stands up to face you, and he says:



Griffin: Nobody hears you say that, Magnus, because you’ve just had the singular sensation of having your soul knocked out of your still-living body. It was as soon as you heard the Animus Bell ring, and it felt like getting kicked by a horse, followed by this absolute numbness that, if you had any breath, would take it away. And you see the back of yourself for a moment? Which is fucking weird. And then your vision goes gray and, in fact, the world goes gray. And you are floating backwards into the ethereal plane. And the scene around you is still there as it was moments ago.

You see yourself kind of catch yourself from falling. You see Taako and Merle sort of looking at you. Um, and you also see some other stuff too. You see other figures in the room. You see small, white, humanoid figures that are hiding behind the mannequins and clinging to the ceiling. And as you start to look around at them, they scurry away and out of sight. But you also see a tear in the fabric of space, and it looks familiar. Because you saw something similar to that during your time in Lucas’ lab. It is a rift open to the astral plane where the souls of the deceased go after their death in the material plane. And you are drifting into it, Magnus. Because you’re dying.

Travis: [frantically] I’m -- I’m gonna push as hard as I can back towards my body!

Griffin: Uhh, we’ll get to that in just a second. I wanna get back to Merle and Taako.

Justin: One thing you can say: That is bad luck. [crosstalk] Truth in advertising.

Griffin: Merle and Taako, you see Magnus catch himself, and you see Lydia now, step out from behind Magnus. And she has this -- she’s wearing this black-and-white elegant Victorian-era dress, and she smiles and you see the smile creep onto Magnus’ face. And for a second, you see the faint figure of Edward surrounding Magnus, um, and his image fades and you hear Magnus say:



Clint: Uh, so we know that this -- that Edward is possessing Magnus, right?

Griffin: Right. And ‘possessing’ is not the right word. ‘Cause Magnus isn’t in there anymore. Edward is– Edward is Magnus right now.

Clint: Alright. I’ll talk to him.



Justin: And as soon as I say that, Taako’s eyes go blank.

Griffin: Oh shit.

Justin: He is just catatonic. He falls out of it. His soul is gone. [Griffin: What?] It’s in a magic jar. The spell is called Magic Jar. The only action I can take is to project my soul up to a hundred feet out of the container and return to my living body, or attempting to possess a humanoid’s body. And I’m gonna take Magnus back.

Griffin: Okay. Alright. Alright. Alright. You cast your soul out of Taako’s body, and as you do, it steps into the ethereal plane. Um, which you’ve been in before, right? It’s where you blink into. And as you start to approach Magnus’ body, you see behind you, you see Magnus and he is being sucked into a rift into the astral plane. And you recognise it, too.

You recognise the astral plane from Lucas’ lab. You recognise it as Kravitz’, like, home? It is the plane where dead souls go to, uh, go to the afterlife and, um, you see Magnus getting sucked into this portal. You also see his body in front of you and you see Edward’s faint outline over the body. Which direction do you go?

Justin: I fly towards Magnus.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Wait, which one?

Justin: Uh, spell Magnus.

Griffin: What?

Justin: I mean the soul-Magnus!

Griffin: Soul-Magnus. You fly towards Magnus being sucked into the portal.

Clint: Trust this- This is so gonna work.

Justin: Yes. Yes. Soul-Magnus.

Griffin: Okay, um, Magnus, you don’t quite see Taako flying towards you yet. You just see the astral plane rift opening up and sucking you into it. And you see, again, you’ve seen the astral plane before, um, in the cosmoscope you saw it, in the mirror. And when you saw it then it was just this, like tranquil sea filled with swirling lights and souls retired to rest in collective consciousness.

Through this rift, you see the same sea, but it is choppy and it’s violent and there are– there’s no lights below the surface. In fact you kinda see what looks like an oil slick on the surface and the sky is stormy and pitch-black and nobody’s there. Kravitz isn’t there. Um, and behind you, you see Taako flying at you. Taako, what are you doing?

Justin: I’m just gonna– I mean, I’m disembodied so all I can do is kinda fly over and try to grab him.

Griffin: Okay. Alright, you fly over and you grab Magnus’ hand. And make a strength save.

Justin: [rolls and laughs] Natural 20.

Griffin: Alright, here’s what we’ll do. Taako, you grab Magnus’ hand. Just as his feet were being pulled into the astral plane. And you can see into it now, too. You can see into the plane, also. Do you say anything dope when you grab him?

Justin: No, I mean, I can’t say anything, I’m a ghost.

Griffin: Okay, fine. But you see each other? You guys see each other, right?

Travis: And we definitely think some super cool action-y quips.

Justin: Yeah, we think something but it’s very private so it’s not aloud.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay. You both see into this astral plane and you can tell that something is seriously wrong. And just as you pull Magnus back, Taako, you see a hand splash up from the choppy waters. [Arms Outstretched by Griffin McElroy begins to play] You see Kravitz, and he’s struggling to sort of pull himself up to the surface of the water. The oil -- this black oil on the surface of the water just twists around him and pulls him back under. And you feel that oil calling for both of you as well.

And you’re both getting pulled into the rift now, but with a 20, Taako, you fight against the pull and both of you are flying backwards towards the center of the room, back towards the catwalk. And Merle, you’re standing in front of the two liches, one in the form of Magnus and one not. Lydia just is there in her spectral form. And you’re standing next to a Taako who’s gone completely catatonic. What do you do?

Clint: I use Planar Ally where I can summon an entity from another plane. [Justin: [gasps and whispers] Whaaaaat?] I’m gonna go into that plane and pull, let’s see, pull Taako who’s got a hold of Magnus, right?

[at same time] Griffin: Yes.

[at same time] Justin: Yes.

Clint: And I pull him back into this plane. I summon him -- I summon both of them back into this plane.

Griffin: [stammering] Okay, then, M-magnus and Taako, you two are flying back towards the center of the room. The pull of this rift is still trying to suck you in. And out of nowhere, just Merle turns around -- turns his back to the two liches -- and just outstretches his arms and as he does, you see spectral versions of his soul-wood arm sort of reach out and grab you and he’s also pulling you back in too, now.

And he rips both of you towards himself. Taako, you are back in your body, and you’re back and you are conscious again. And Magnus, you’re conscious, too. You still feel numb but you’re back. But you’re on the ground. And you’re surrounded by the mannequin audience and you see your friends just above you on the catwalk. What do you do?

Travis: Am I in my body or am I just a spirit?

[‘Arms Outstretched’ fades out]

Griffin: [insistently] What do you do? You’re awake. You’re not in the astral -- you’re not in the ethereal plane anymore.

Travis: I rush in to my friends! I wanna get back in the -- Rush in! I rush in, Griffin!

Griffin: Alright. You jump back up onto the catwalk, and as you do, you hear fake Magnus go:



Griffin: And Merle and Taako, you see, standing beside you, wearing a plate of very very very fashionable elven scale-mail, you see one of the mannequins standing right next to you.



[ending theme song plays]