Ep. 32: The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Four/Transcript

Episode 32 - Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Four [part of TAZscripts on Tumblr]

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...



Griffin: The Regulators’ boat -- the storm is, like, picking them up, and you watch them sort of disappear out of sight.

Griffin: A rift appears in the air directly in front of you. A small light pops out. All of these crystal shards are flying together and sort of self-forming to create a crystal golem.



Griffin: Uh.

Clint: The late Merle Highchurch rolled a five!

[Griffin laughing loudly]

Justin: In his final act!

Clint: Of defiance!



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

{1:31}

Griffin: Let’s resolve this killer robot thing.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Alright.

Griffin: Or maybe the three of you will all die. I don’t know.

Justin: If this is the last episode, let’s really make it count.

All: Yeah.



Justin: Can you remind, uhh --



Travis: This is after he, like, shut down all the communications out of the room and got real mad.

Griffin: Yeah, your, um, your stones of farspeech and, uh, the pendant that the director gave you, um, uh, are-are just not functioning anymore, um.

Travis: Okay, cool.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you have no more contact with anybody from the outside world. Um, and uh, uh yeah, the room is sort of, has this blue static-y glow all around it? That you assume is-is what is blocking all of this. Uh, and uh, Hodgepodge says:



Justin: Can I make, uh, Griffin, can I make an Investigation check on Hodgepodge to see if I can see any visible sort of, like, switches or any-anything that might give me a hint as to how to stop him?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: I got an 18 plus 4, 22!

Griffin: Uh, yeah, right on his tummy is uh, is a switch.

Travis: Can I just say, I just wanna jump out, Justin. How did it, like -- We did this for, like, 40 minutes last episode and none of us, none of us thought, “Look for a switch.” You’re a genius.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah, he’s got a, he’s got a switch and it’s right on his tummy. And it looks like a- and it looks like a light switch.

Justin: Okay. Uh, I flip it.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, yeah, you reach over to flip this, uh, light switch off. And just as you’re about to make contact with it, it sort of zips inside his body, and a metal panel closes over where the switch was.

Travis: Oh, that happens to me when I get scared too.

Clint: [laughs] Or when you been swimmin’, to be fair.

Justin: I did it dexterously so he didn’t notice.

Griffin: Uh, okay, uh, he did notice.

Justin: [snorts laughter] Oh. Okay.

Travis: Let me check the book.

Justin: I coulda sworn -- Does it say in your book that he noticed? ‘Cause I coulda sworn he didn’t notice.

Griffin: Yeah, I’m looking in the book that I have written for the Crystal Kingdom, the- the novelization of it, and it says he noticed. Which is the weird thing.

Justin: That’s weird. Okay, well great, um. It’s in the book!

Griffin: It’s in the novelization, so I don’t know what to tell you.

Justin: You don’t have to tell me anything. It’s in the book.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: It’s out of your hands!

Travis: [crosstalk] Available now [stuttering] from Penguin Publishers.

Justin: [crosstalk] Let me thank you! Let me thank you for trying! For taking the time to try! ‘Cause, like, ‘cause it’s out of your hands. Thank you for trying.



Griffin: Hodgepodge says.

Travis: Touch my bonus round!

[Laughter]

Justin: [in a funny voice] A little lower, please!



Justin: [At same time] Math!

Clint: [At same time] History!

Justin: Oh, that’s good.

Travis: No, we don’t know shit about history! What are you talking about? We can’t remember what we’re doing right now!



[Crosstalk]

Clint: Pythagoras! [Said Pythagoreas]

Justin: No, okay, we’re not just gonna shout here. I have a History skill [Clint laughs] that I’m going to roll against to see if I know this.

Griffin: So you’re doing history or math?

Justin: I’m doing history…

Griffin: …of math.

Justin: Of math.

Travis: We don’t have a math skillcheck!

Justin: Okay, is there a math check? What are you talking about?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s just your fucking brain. You use your brain to add numbers together.

Justin: Okay, 16.

Griffin: What are you even doing?

Justin: Okay, listen--

Griffin: Is that your solution to the problem?

Justin: You have to bear with me, okay? I would not know the-- I, Justin McElroy, would not know the history of this world. Therefore, I would not have an answer to this question. My character, Taako, has innate skills in investigation, and nature, history, religion, arcana, and religion. So! I am basing the-- Whether or not I have this answer or not, based on whether I, Justin McElroy, know the inventor of math. I, of course, do-- It’s irrelevant, uh, because I---

Travis: His name was Irrelevant? Was he a rapper?

Justin: Okay, uhh. I [Laughter] I am seeing if Taako knows this. And I have a 16 out of 20 shot of--

Griffin: 16 out of 20 shot of knowing the history, uh, the inventor of math in this fantasy world, is what you’re rolling to check.

Justin: Like, the history of this fantasy world, yes! Like, Griffin, I love you, you’re my brother, but if my skill called HISTORY does not literally help me with HISTORY [Griffin laughs] trivia questions in a category called HISTORY, what are we even fucking doing here! This is Calvinball!

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, yeah, you know the answer to this one. You got this fucking question dead-to-rights.

Justin: And I open my mouth, and what do I say?

Griffin: You say-- You say, “Doug Math!”

[Laughter]

Justin: Dougie Math.

Griffin: Use your voice!



[Correct Answer Jingle!]



[Clint cracks up]

Travis: [feigning surprise] How did you--! Ahhhh!



Travis: We’re pretty bonus’d.

Clint: Yes!



Travis: Oh, I get it.

Clint: Okay, I’ve got a--



Justin: Wait, should we, can we-- can we, like, consult…?

Clint: No, I’m into some Captain Kirk shit here. I got this --

Justin: Oh, okay, good.

[Crosstalk]

Travis: Oh I didn’t realize! Sorry. Kirk away!

Justin: And let-- just-- Hey, Griffin? On my fantasy tombstone, can it say, “I trusted my dad”?

[Laughter]

Griffin: Yeah, when you guys die, when your characters die, I’ll let you do a full-blown, like, uh, Oregon Trail sort of tombstone customization.

Justin: Got it. Okay, I trust you, Dad.

Griffin: And then your next characters will find it when they get on the Crystal Kingdom ship.

Travis: I am going to take a step behind Merle. [Crosstalk] And pat him on the back, “Yeah, yeah, you got this!”

Clint: Alright, Hodgepodge?



Travis: You fucking idiot. The correct question would have been, “What does love feel like?” You stupid, stupid bastard.

Clint: You’re wrong, Hodgepodge. It’s a score of zero in tennis!



Travis: That was my question.

[Laughter]

Justin: Oh no! Wasted opportunity!

Clint: And he got it right!

Travis: Aw, dammit!



Justin: Okay, I have a-- Okay, Dad’s angling for another try. [Crosstalk] No, don’t you dare. I have my question.

Clint: Okay. Alright.



Griffin: Oh god...



Griffin: This is--



Travis: Wait, is Griffin stumped by this?

Justin: [Through laughter] Have you not heard this one?



Clint: Sounds like he’s stumped.



Clint: Yeah!

Justin: It has to be trivia.



Clint: Ask him how we solve this puzzle.

Travis: Ask him how to turn him off.

[Crosstalk]

Clint: How do we solve this puzzle?



Justin: Uh, here is my question--

Clint: No, I was asking Justin! Taako! [In Taako’s voice] Taako!



Clint: I said it as Taako.



[raucous laughter followed by a sniffle]



Travis: You remember!



Travis: Google, google, google, google, google…



Griffin: Oh my god.



Justin: Yeah, did they cancel it or what happened?



[Laughter.]



Travis: On the ceiling.



Travis: I disagree!

Clint: That’s information that exists in the world.

Travis: Hey wait a second, DM--



[pause]



Travis: Damnit.



[laughter]

Justin: Shit. Damn. God, that little robot’s good.

Clint: He is good.



Travis: Strength check.

Griffin: No. Yeah, his body is like, part of this… pedestal. He is like-

Travis: [crosstalking] Well, there’s gotta be-

Justin: [crosstalking] a way to get him off there?

Griffin: His torso’s sticking out of it like, Zoltan style.



Travis: Alright, I attack him.

Griffin: Okay.

[dice rolling]

Travis: That’s a 13 plus 7 - a 20?

Griffin: Mkay. Now, remember the last time you attacked him, he was resistant, to... just, melee damage.

Travis: No, no, no, no, I got it, I’m just sick of this whole question thing.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: And I’m trying to think like Magnus.

Clint: You’re like, roleplaying.

Travis: Yeah, it’s-- I’m chomping for some choppin’, let’s do this.

Griffin: Alright, roll damage.

Travis: ‘K. I can’t remember what that is. Oh yeah, um, [sighs] okay, two handed, one d10 plus 6, [rolls] that’s 9 plus 6 -- 15.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, that’s a-- that’s a good hit. That’s only 7 damage, though, that you did to him. Uhhh, and he still looks pretty sturdy, and he goes:



Travis: [Faintly] Fair.

Griffin: And the flame jets kick on again. Everyone roll a dexterity saving throw.

Clint: Can I use your 20? I’ve lost mine.

Travis: Dad? It’s like, the most import-ugh.

Clint: It’s the only one I’ve lost!

Travis: 14 plus 2, 16.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you duck out of the way of the flames.

Clint: And this is-what kind of check?

Griffin: Uhh, dexterity?

Justin: [crosstalk] Dexterity.

Clint: 17.

Griffin: Yup. You duck out of the way as well.

Justin: 16.

Griffin: And you duck out of the way as well. All three of you duck out of the way of these flames. Uh, and he goes:



Clint: I’m gonna cast a spell, it’s called ‘Commune’.

Griffin: ‘K.

Clint: I get to ask my deity a question. Up to three questions that can be answered with a yes or no.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: And you, Griffin--

Travis: [Crosstalk] Up to three, no less than 1.

Clint: Griffin, you are the deity.

Griffin: Alright.

Clint: The DM is the deity. And you have to answer 3 questions yes or no.

[Background Music: Pan]



[someone chuckles [probably Clint]]



Clint: Oh wow.



Clint: It’s Dave, man!

Justin: Introduce yourself to your deity, I want to see this whoooole scene play out while I enjoy some orange slices.

Travis: [crosstalking] Play it like you would play it!

Clint: Alright.

Justin: Orange slices.



Travis: Highchurch?



Justin: Hightower’s from Police Academy.

Clint: Hightower’s my middle name. Highchurch is my last name.



Travis: And his middle name’s spelled like [singing] Hi-tower!



Travis: Nope!



Justin: Please-

Travis: [crosstalking with Justin] Please stop talking.



[Justin and Travis laughing]



Justin: C’mon, you got this.

Clint: Ooooh god.

Travis: Come on, come on! You’re not stupid.



[Laughter]



[laughing]



[Background Music Ends]



Travis: And boom goes the dynamite.



Griffin: And he’s just kind of sitting there, just dormant, and you hear the servos inside of him that’ve been, like, kind of audible this whole time just- they’re spinnin’ up real fast. And he says:

[music begins to play]



Griffin: And a little bit of smoke is now pouring out of, uh, of his body. And he’s kinda shakin’, shakin’ very fast. The flame jets around you, their pilot lights come on and you see them start to kick into danger mode? But before they can do anything, Hodgepodge just explodes.

[Music stops]

{18:56}

Travis: Yay! [victory tune from Final Fantasy:] Bum bumbum bum bum bumbumbum!

Griffin: That blue light that has been surrounding the room this whole time is now gone, and you just hear everybody just yelling at you, all at once. You - you hear the Director saying like:



Griffin: And you hear Lucas asking how you guys are doing too. You hear Ango and he’s cryin’. You hear Ango cryin’ and he’s like,



[everyone talking over each other]



[wheezy laughter]



[Louder laughter]



[laughter]

Clint: Oh, god.

Justin: He’s the worst!



Travis: [laughs] Okay.

Clint: [groans]



[muffled sniggering]



Griffin: [loud laughter]

Justin: Just wanna get that hot, that hot Jurassic Park quote in?!

Clint: [dramatic voice] Clever girl, try to fit that one in.

Justin: Hey. Can I just take a quick, super-quick moment if you’re listening to the show right now? And you just like, busted out your Twitter fingers to say, like, you figured it out long before we did? Just, fuck, go fuck yourself.

Travis: Yeah, we gotcha.

Justin: Yeah, we got it, okay. We got it. All right? We got a lot to consider.

Travis: You aren’t here! You aren’t in the moment, there’s a lot of pressure.

Justin: [crosstalk] You don’t have to worry about voices, you don’t have to worry about spells, like, just, just stuff it.

Clint: We got a sleeping baby...

Justin: A sleeping baby.

Clint: Right here.

Justin: Right here.

Clint: And that puts a damper on things.

Justin: Yep.

Griffin: Uh, yeah, no, I was sort of the conduit for that future panic that you instilled in all our listeners. I thought that puzzle wasn’t too hard, but… you did solve it, you’ve solved my puzzle of robot riddles. Um, congratulations.

Justin: And hey, let’s go down in the history books as Dad’s first useful spell!

Clint: [loud laughter]

Justin: So we got that goin’ too!

Griffin: Um...

Clint: Pan damn you! Pan damn you straight to Hades.

Justin: [crosstalk] Indirectly, sure, but still useful.

Griffin: The hatch to the airlock opposite the one that you entered this room from is now illuminated with white light.

Travis: I pull one of Hodgepodge’s arms off.

Griffin: Oh my god.

Clint: [laughter] It’s a theme.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: It’s a trope.

Travis: Well, I can’t finish if I don’t.

Griffin: You’re gonna look like some sort of crazy prospector by the next adventure! Just, like, walking around with robot arms and mandibles and-

Clint: Or a spider!

Travis: I like to collect mementos of my kills.

Justin: My kills b-

Griffin: Other than the airlock, this room’s gone pretty dark, and you hear Lucas say,



[laughter]



Clint: [laughter] [imitating Lucas] Uh, yes, we are!



[Clint laughing]



[laughter]

Griffin: The line is dead.

Clint: [laughs]

Travis: Aw, I liked him.

Clint: I thought he was a douche.

Griffin: So yeah, there’s-

Travis: We move through the portal! Or whatever.

Griffin: Okay! Yup, there’s another airlock. This one only has one exit out of it.

Travis: We take the left one.

Griffin: So you are deloused? [laughs] Okay, you take the left one of one.

Clint: The one that’s left.

Griffin: And you find yourself in a slightly larger circular room than the Hodgepodge R&D chamber. There are a few points of interest in this room. There’s a big pillar in the middle of the room. There is some hanging ventilation system overhead, and there’s a grate that has been busted out of the bottom of one of these - this vent system. And the grate is now laying on the floor, so somebody clearly busted that out. And there’s a note on the pillar, that looks like it was pretty quickly scrawled out, that says,



Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Sorry, that “K” is how they signed it. They weren’t just like, “We’ll meetcha at the elevators, ‘kay?”

Travis: [crosstalk] ‘Kay!

Clint: ‘Kay!

Travis: Wait-

Clint: Was that that Cruella chick?

Travis: That’s Killian…

Clint: Killian?

Travis: But we just- we passed the elevators.

Griffin: No you didn’t.

Travis: We were in a place called the “Museum of Elevators,” or whatever!

Griffin: Oh. Uh, no. You’re heading toward the center of the compound, which is where the elevators are. Sorry.

Travis: Those were just decorative elevators.

Griffin: [laughs] Those were decorative elevators.

Clint: Faux elevators.

Travis: Really pulled the room together. You got those at IKEA.

Griffin: This room, by the way, is not crystallized. It has not been crystallized.

Clint: I thought everything was crystallized.

Griffin: [sighs] No. The crystallization hasn’t really spread all the way throughout the lab?

Travis: That’s why we’ve been shutting the archaic airlocks or whatever behind us.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Riiiiiight.

Griffin: As you approach this center pillar, you see some movement come from behind it. And you hear a voice say,



Griffin: And a robot about the size and shape of a car engine floats out from behind the pillar. And instead of immediately setting you on fire, or asking you riddles-

Justin: [interrupting] You keep using that exact reference point for this call. We are super plugged in to how big a car engine is.

[wheezing laughter]

Travis: Real gearheads, we are.

Griffin: Okay, well, how else would you describe something car-engine sized?

Travis: I don’t know, I don’t know how big a car engine is!

Justin: I don’t know how big a car engine is! Microwave size? Refrigerator size? Bread box?

Griffin: Make as big a hug shape with your arms as you can? That’s the size of this thing.

Travis: Gotcha. So he’s a hug-shaped robot.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Like twelve sandwiches.

Griffin: It’s a very huggable robot, [laughing] approximately twelve sandwiches-

Travis: Like a medium-sized Great Dane.

Justin: [crosstalk] How many sandwiches tall?

Griffin: Twelve sandwiches worth.

Clint: I hug the robot!

Griffin: Uhhhhh, well, let me finish describing it first.

Clint: Oh, okay.

Travis: It has a sign saying “Please Don’t Hug.”

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: It’s covered in poisonous barbs. No, it-it looks like it was just “scrumbled” together with leftover parts from other robots, uh-

Travis: I hastily hide the arm in my pocket.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, that’s…

Clint: I quickly look up the word “scrumbled.”

Griffin: Justin said that in a Monster Factory, and I can’t - I, I’ve started using it as though it were an actual word.

Justin: I’m the Lewis Carroll of my generation.

Griffin: Absolutely. This robot, its core actually does look like a floating car engine, which I have written down here, now knowing that you have no fuckin’ clue what I’m talking about. It’s just a big, heavy block of metal. Imagine - if you’re - to give you a more robot-centric point of reference, more Conky-shaped than an Alan Tudyk-bot from “I, Robot.”

Travis: Does it have arms, legs?

Griffin: It does! And again, it looks like it was made out of parts from other robots. So it has this big, hulkin’ central core with these vents and ports that don’t actually look like they’re in use.

One of its arms looks vaguely...humanoid-shaped, like it’s got five fingers and a hand, but the metal doesn’t actually match the rest of the metal of its frame? It looks like it’s cast from bronze. The other arm is like a foot longer than the humanoid-esque arm, but it doesn’t have a hand at the end of it, it just kinda has a hole at the end of it.

And it’s got these four small turbines that are giving off a faint blue light that are somehow keeping this thing levitating a few feet off the ground. It does not have legs, it’s just kinda floating through the air. And there’s a window in the center of its central frame, and inside - through that window, you can see what appears to be a pretty large glass cylindrical fuse, which illuminates whenever this thing talks! And it says,



[Clint wheezing]



[pause]



Griffin: She looks at you, Merle, and she goes,



Griffin: Noelle, uh, uh, uh--

Justin: He goes to - Noelle goes to give Magnus a high-five, Magnus has a tape measure out, getting the spot on his wall ready-

[laughter]

Clint: Ohhhhh.

Justin: “Ohhhhhhhh, very nice!”

[music starts to play: A Far Friendlier Robot]

Clint: Yeeesss.

Justin: “Is that a three-sixty cam-turner in the middle?”

Clint: That’ll go in the rumpus room, right there!

Travis: It’s gonna look real good on some red oak!

[music fades in]

[commercials]

{Break: 29:58-35:45}

Griffin: Noelle floats towards you, Merle, and a cavity opens up, a little hatch opens on her central frame and a syringe pops out of it, and the syringe is full of a green fluid. And she starts to float in your direction with this syringe.



Clint: Is it laundry detergent?



Travis: It’s superpower juice.

Clint: Well, being a cleric, I recognize a healing touch when I see it. Stick it in me!

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, this needle, first of all, passes through your suit-

Travis: And you die!

Griffin: And you feel a li’l poke in your arm, but you’re basically getting a booster shot, and you get healed for… 3d10 plus 6 damage. If you wanna roll that.

Clint: Great! Here we go… [sound of dice rolling] 6! 2! 9! 6-2-9, this is a cover-all bingo…

Griffin: Seventeen plus six, uh, you get healed for 23 points of damage. And you feel, like, energized after this thing shoots you up. And it was heroin.

Clint: Aaaaahhh.

Travis: You’re addicted.

Griffin: And now you’re addicted to heroin. No-

Clint: Again, heroin.



Griffin: There’s another airlock hatch directly across from the one you came into this room from. You figure it just goes in deeper toward the center of the compound. However, on the right side of this room as you came in, there are two other hatches. And one of them has a plaque hanging over it that says “Lucas’ Private Quarters.”

The scanner, the hand scanner that you’ve been using to open up all these airlocks - the hand scanner on this one is actually red, which you haven’t seen before. The other ones have been green and have opened pretty easily whenever you touch them. The other hatch isn’t illuminated at all. It looks like it’s completely powered down. Yeah. Those are the other two doors in this chamber.



Griffin: And you hear Lucas come in through that pendant and say,



Travis: I cover up the pendant.



[laughter]



Travis: Should I roll a ventriloquism check, or?

Griffin: You could do a Performance check, or a Bluff check, whichever one you…

Travis: Bluff check. Sure, sure, sure.

Clint: By the way, this episode of The Adventure Zone, the part of Noelle is being played by Delta Burke.

Travis: [laughs] Let’s see. Performance, I got a plus 1 to that, so that’s a 6.

Griffin: Okay. You literally just go like [silly voice] “Hi, it’s me, Lucas! And I think you should let ‘em go in the room.” And you did it with your - you did it with a fuckin’ wide open mouth.

Clint: Shouldn’t we just ask Lucas which door to go through?

Travis: No- Wait, this is OOC, to dad. I don't trust him at all.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Like, I don't like him at all and nobody does, so I don't wanna ask him shit about shit.

Clint: Okay, I- then let me ask you this - what does ‘OOC’ mean?

[Justin laughs]

Travis: Out of character.

Griffin: You know the OC- the teen drama OC? This is like the-

Clint: That’s what I thought it was.

Griffin: -this is the prequel.

Clint: Oh, okay.

[More snickering]

Clint: Okay, cool.

Travis: Ordinary Orange County.

Clint: And now, back to--



Justin: [crosstalk] While they're chatting, I wander behind Noelle.

Griffin: M’kay.



Justin: I'm gonna cast disguise self on myself to make me appear like Lucas.

Griffin: Alright! Yeah.



Griffin: I'm gonna give you advantage, but I'm still going to need you to make a bluff check if you're- does your voice change magically automatically using-?

Clint: I thought that was breathtakingly accurate.

Justin: Yeah. Yes.

Griffin: Are you sure about that?

Justin: Otherwise- You can't change your body type, so you must adopt a form that has the same number of limbs. Otherwise-

Griffin: I'm less worried about that, I'm more worried about your voice.

Justin: Let me finish. Otherwise the extent of the illusion is up to you.

Travis: So your handprint could match as well.

Justin: Yyyeah. I’m hopin’ it won't come that, but I could try. That seems a little crazy, like, that doesn't make sense to me, I, like-

Griffin: I think it's only visual, I don't think it affects your voice, but I'll give you, cause you're now disguised, I will give you advantage on a bluff or performance check.

Justin: As we've established previously in fiction, Taako's a master of impersonating voices, as we saw with Little Jerry. - Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Clint: That's true. That has been already established.

Justin: It's in-fiction.

Clint: Yeah.

[Dice roll]

Justin: Bluff check is- wait what do I add to that?

Griffin: Bluff.

Travis: No, performance.

Griffin: Is there no bluff?

Travis: Nope, nope, nope!

Griffin: Fuck, man. I don't know these skills at all.

Justin: Uh, 18.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, that works, she buys it.



Travis: You’re wearing gloves, right? You’re wearing gloves.



[Laughs, very audible]



Griffin: She floats over to the-to the scanner, and, uh, she has a little satellite dish-looking thing? Attachment? On her central core frame? That she uh, sorta waves in the direction of the scanner, and it turns green.



Griffin: Mmkay,



Griffin: Um...

Travis: Are you just making up effects now, dad?

Clint: Shhhhh…

Travis: Oh! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Alright, I go down into the- wait, which character am I? Um, Magnus goes into the room.

Griffin: Okay, uh, yeah, you-you pass through a, another airlock, and on the other side of that airlock, you are in Lucas’ private quarters. Uhm, and it is…. Filthy. It’s a filthy room. Lucas is a dirty boy. There’s like dirty dishes, all over the room there’s papers strewn all over the place. If there’s a floor, in Lucas’ private quarters, you cannot see it.

The bed’s not made, there’s food on the bed, there’s towers of books all over the room, and, uh, other than this sort of, this huge mess, the only feature worth noting is a, uh, pretty long desk? In the back of the room? Uh, with a, uh, a lamp on it? Um, and that is also the only sort of light source that’s on. In this room.

Travis: Okay, I’m gonna check out the desk.

Griffin: Ok. Uh, just checkin’ it out, are you making a roll, or-

Travis: I’m making a roll, I guess, I’m investigating!

Griffin: Ok.

[dice]

Travis: Eighteen plus 0. 18.

Griffin: Ok. Um, yeah, uh, uh, with that roll, you can see-well, you can clearly see on top of the desk, is a-a little magnifying glass? Sitting on a, uh, tray, and this tray has a bunch of these small, uh, broken little pieces of various gemstones.

Uh, you see some amethyst, a few very small pieces of diamond, you see some little slivers of pearl, all of them look like they are sort of broken off of, uh, bigger chunks. There’s some sapphire, there’s some ruby in there, but they’re all pretty small, but you estimate all these gemstones to be worth about 1200 gold pieces.



Griffin: K.

Travis: I am going to take those, for safekeeping.

Griffin: Ok. Uh, and, uh, with that- with that investigation check you made, you also notice there- there are a couple drawers, to the side of the desk, that don't seem to have anything of value in it. But with that investigation check, you find a very, very small hidden compartment underneath, uh, the bottom of the desk, that is locked up tight.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: I got this!!!! I’ve got my Nitpicker!!!! We’ve got--

Travis: Then use it.

Clint: --Bud the Nitpicker!!! He can unlock it!!! Ahahha!!

Travis: Cool.

Clint: This is awesome!

Travis: Do that!

Griffin: You guys just-- [crosstalk]

Justin: This must be what it felt like, dad, every time we’ve been effective. If you gonna believe it. Imagine riding a high like this at least once per episode. Sometimes even twice.

[laughter]

Clint: I gave you life.

Justin: [laughing] That’s true.

Clint: I gave you- you have my genetic material that I gave!

Justin: You gave me life, apparently mom gave me D&D skills! Weirdly? Apparently? [Griffin laughs] Just like genetically speaking, it doesn’t make sense!

Travis: It is passed down through the mother.

Clint: I’m sorry, you’re not gonna harsh my vibe. Ain’t nothing gonna break up my stride.

Travis: Okay, then use your damn Nitpicker!

Griffin: Okay so, Merle, you’re moving into the room. Taako, are you coming in as well?



Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Wait, there may be stuff to steal!

Justin: My new- my new thing is like Taa- like Magnus rushes in, Taako’s good out here. My new thing is just, Taako’s good out here, ‘cause it’s a lot less work for me, I can just kinda like, chill.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah. Merle, do you have a motto? Vis a vis, bravery?

Clint: Uh, yes. It’s not for the faint-hearted.

Griffin: Mkay. I’m not sure how that applies to anything.

Travis: Is that your motto, or are you just afraid to tell us, ‘cause your motto will shock us all.

Clint: Yeah, I don’t want, I need a little time- we’re talking t-shirts and posters. [Yeah] So let me come up with something down the road. Okay, I take Bud, the little Nitpicker--

Griffin: Is that you’ve named him?

Clint: It just, y’know, it just sounds so cute.

Griffin: Ok.

Clint: Bud, I mean--aww, it looks like a garden gnome.

Griffin: Yep.

Clint: -and, uh, except he’s got a backwards ball cap on. I take him, and I put him in front of the locked drawer, and I say,



Griffin: He starts to animate as soon as you get him in the vicinity of this, uh, locked lock.



Griffin: He pulls out a, a--

Clint: You sound like Sheldon Leonard!

Griffin: He pulls out a, uh, a, like a rolled-up cloth thing that he, uh, unfurls, and you see a number of lock picks and tools inside, and he takes a couple of them out, and he goes:



[Exhale Laugh]



Justin: This is-hey, I’m trying to imagine this- does he just like have his little hand crammed into the lock?

[Hahahah]

Justin: Grabbing all those pins and tumblers.



Griffin: Yeah, he-he’s gotten rid of his tools, and he’s just like, he’s in there, he’s elbow-deep in this lock,

[Laugh Laugh]



Justin: I feel like--



Justin: I feel like Ernest is reading ahead to the Subreddit comments on this episode, he’s just like reading what people said about him.



[Magnus Crosstalk.]



Griffin: You hear a click.



Griffin: He yells “Way to thank” as you jam him into your backpack.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uh, you pry out the secret drawer, and inside is a small velvet bag with a lil’ cinch on it. Lil’ small string cinch. And as you undo it -- Magnus, are you the one doing this?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Okay, uh, as you un-cinch it and open up the bag, you pull out from inside what looks like an old compact mirror. And the exterior of this mirror is, uh, is woven in this ornate silver pattern that is actually kinda tarnished? Um, and yeah, that is what was inside of the bag is this compact, like, uh, mirror.

Travis: Wait, I know this one. I polish it.

Griffin: Uh, you try to, but this tarnish is, like, is on there.

Travis: And then a genie comes out? [crosstalks] [more firmly] And a genie comes out?

Griffin: Two genies come out. No. No genies-

Travis: TWO genies? I open it.

Griffin: You open it. And inside isn’t actually a reflective mirror? Inside is actually just a circular disk of emerald. And it looks-- It looks flawless, this circular emerald disk. And it’s not reflecting your image, but as you look into it… [“The Cosmoscope” starts playing] You actually start to see some moving figures inside of it. And as they take form, you can see clear as day into this scene:

You see two men sitting on a pretty comfortable-looking sofa with a big pitbull splayed out on top of them, and they’re looking at this flashing, illuminated box on the other side of the room.

And then suddenly the image changes and you’re looking at sort of an older woman who’s sitting in the driver's seat of some sort of vehicle and she’s listening to the smoothest jazz in a line of other vehicles in front of a building with a sign with a big burger on top of it.

And then you see another image. You see a young woman who’s curled up in, like, a bay window nook in a dark house. She’s watching a heavy snowstorm outside. She’s drinking tea and she looks like she’s tinkering with some sort of handheld device with these two glowing panels on it.

And then you see another image of, like, a seedy bar where this three-piece rock band is playing to a pretty small crowd, but everyone in the crowd is singing along to every word of their songs.

And then you see another image of an old man who’s asleep. He’s wearing what appear to be, like earmuffs. He’s in a large, metal tubular room with these rows of mostly-full seats and there’s a loud whirring noise in this room.

You see a bundled-up woman hiking up a steep hill, and behind her, you see a brightly-lit city skyline that’s towering over this massive harbor full of boats, and the buildings in this skyline are taller than any you’ve ever seen before.

And, like, every ten seconds or so, your perspective looking into this mirror just shifts, and it’s showing you more and more scenes of this impossible world.

[Music stops]

Travis: Griffin, I’m sorry, I had to run out of the room real quick, can you say that again? [Clint laughing in background]

Griffin: [laughing uncomfortably] Oh man, that’s my least-favorite Adventure Zone players bit.

Travis: Okay, so, he’s stealing technological ideas from our world.

Griffin: Are you saying this in character, or…?

Travis: Well, this is me saying it to, like, Justin and Dad and Griffin.

Justin: Uhhh, okay, I don’t know any of this, but you can say it to Dad if you want.

Travis: No no no, this is me saying it like we were sitting at a table and realize…

Justin: Yeah, but I can’t roleplay… I need you to come out and relate that information to me, otherwise I won’t be able to implement it in any meaningful way.

Travis: Okay, I will communicate it to Taako in a minute. Right now, I’m telling Justin…

Justin: Yeah, but you gotta think of a way to tell Lucas, [someone cackles] because I’m Lucas right now.

Travis: Okay, I got you.

Justin: Cool.

Travis: I think we’re dealing with, like, a BioShock Infinite, looking-through-the-portals-and-stealing. That’s how they came up with elevators.

Justin: I don’t know…

Travis: This might be Griffin’s incredibly complicated way to justify to listeners why there are elevators in this world.

Justin: Oh my god, it’s all been retconned for elevators!

Travis: It’s all been for this! For this moment!

Griffin: Well, ‘retcon’ implies that I didn’t have this planned from day one.

Justin: Oh yeah, oh yeah, I can remember when we were planning for this show, and Griffin said, “And wait ‘til you hear how I came up with how to get elevators in it!”

Clint: It’s a twist they’ll never see.

Justin: “You’ll never see it coming, but I’ll be dropping elevator hints throughout!”

Clint: It’s his Keyser Söze moment.

[Laughter]

Travis: Alright, I throw-- I close the compact. I put it in my bag.

Griffin: Okay. You hear a voice come through your pendant:



[Laughing in background]

Justin: Please use your character voice, Travis, I’m begging you!

Clint: Character voice!



[guffaw in the background]



Travis: Griffin, is there like a porthole or something on the, uh, door that I can look in? Of the shut-down room?

Griffin: Uh, so you’re going back down out to the--?

Travis: Yeah, we’re out of his shitty room.

Justin: But you better fucking hang up on him, cuz I’m up here!

Clint: Oh, yeah!

Travis: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I cover the--, the thing again.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, no. There’s no porthole. Um, there’s no little peep-hole looking into the room. Um, there is-- as you look over, uh, the shutdown door, you see some holes. Like some very, very small holes in the, uh, wall, above the door. Uh, and there’s, like, a little-- you can see like a faint sort of impression, and it’s right where the plaque is on, uh, Lucas’s side, that says, “Lucas’s sleeping quarters.” Where that looks like it would be over this door, it’s just gone. Um--

Travis: Whose sleeping quarters was this?

Griffin: And right as you say that, uh, you hear a sound that sounds like, “WOOM”, and uh, as you turn to investigate the source of this sound, you see a rift in space, uh, about 20 feet in front of you, close to the central pillar in the middle of this room. And from out of that rift, you see a little chunk of pink tourmaline, and that pink tourmaline is illuminated from inside with a white light.

Um, and as soon as it pops through that rift, it falls to the ground. And as soon as it touches the ground, the room begins to transform. Uh, it starts to spread out from where that crystal touched the ground, and climbs up the pillar and spreads all over the ceiling, uh, it’s spreading all over the walls, and it, uh, takes over the whole room, and then, almost as soon as the transformation is complete, you begin to hear them tinkle-crinkles again. Oh, here they come, those tinkle-crinkles.

Travis: Oh yeah, we’re in null suits, I was starting to get really worried for a second.

[“Crystal Kingdom - Verse 2” starts]

Griffin: Yeah, you are totally safe. Uh, and uh, Noelle, is kind of panicked? And she is becoming very cognizant of where she is floating, making sure not to touch anything. Um, you hear those tinkle-crinkles, and they’re building, and they’re building, and they seem to be playing another melody. As they build, and then you hear that voice that you heard back in the conservatory. And it sings another verse of its song.


 * I saw beyond the universe
 * Far past the places we should see
 * But for my vision I was cursed
 * Torn from my home and family
 * Lost to my Crystal Kingdom.
 * Lost to my Crystal Kingdom.

Travis: Cool, cool!

Clint: It’s fire, it’s fire!

Justin: Did you guys notice the voice said, “buttfor?” Guys, um, what’s a buttfor?

Clint: [Laughing]

Travis: For pooping, silly!

Griffin: Uh, the central pillar in the room that is now completely crystallized begins to groan,--

Justin: Sorry, did you say Billy Crystal-lize?

Griffin: [Laughs] Alright, that’s the end of the episode!

Clint: Cliffhanger!

Justin: We’re Billy Crystallize!

Griffin: [Laughing]

Clint: No!

Justin: [Billy Crystal impression] You look marvelous! (pronounced mah-velous)

[All Laughing]

Clint: Aw, yeah, I hate it when that happens.

Griffin: Oh, god, we have-- [inaudible]

Justin: Is that Mario from Mario?

[All Laughing]

[Outro Music]