Ep. 51: The Suffering Game - Chapter One/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone…



Griffin: You see yourself wearing a red robe, but there’s an--umm--um like, a next logical thought that would come from that observation, but when you try to think it your mind just turns to static. It’s just tearing you apart and keeping you up at night.

Griffin: And the Void Fish slams against the wall of its tank, and it’s kinda-it’s kinda scary.



Griffin: A quick, bright light flashes, and a small, quiet alarm bell rings.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson (full song on YouTube)]

{1:44}

Griffin: Let it begin...let the-



Griffin: Let it--let it start, it is started.

Travis: Wait, can I just, wait can I just, before we start-start-start, I wanna just say--

Griffin: mmmMMM it has started! [crosstalk]

Travis: But, just I went back and, can I just say, goin’ back and listening to old episodes, I was listenin’ to the last Lunar Interlude, before we did The Eleventh Hour, I had a lot of cool items I forgot to use during The Eleventh Hour! [laughing from him and Clint]

Griffin: Oh, everybody had lots of cool items that they forgot to use! I was really hopin’ for that Immovable Rod you have, Taako, to pop up during that purple worm chase, that would have been neat, but--

Travis: I had a magnetic, uh… [crosstalk] spear, I’m just saying, it’s a lot of stuff.

Justin: [crosstalk] Don’t fucking kibbitz, don’t like…

Clint: [crosstalk] *laughs* Back-backseat dungeoneer!

Justin: Especially like Taako, Taako uses more of his garbage than anybody.

Griffin: That’s a good point, I shouldn’t harp on Justin, alright let’s...

Clint: Uh, yeah, but you did unhaul a lot of stuff that you hadn’t mentioned for a long time, when you were talking to Kravitz.

Griffin: Everyone lived, we’re good. Uhhh, we’ll see if you fare as well in this next arc. Which-which has begun!

Travis: Oh, okay.

Justin: Ah, dammit.

Griffin: Um, so things have been quiet--

Clint: Now it’s begun?

Travis: Are you sure? Now is this it--

Griffin: It started when I said, ‘Things have been quiet’, that was the start of it.

Travis: Well actually Griffin’s an hour behind, he’s on Central time, so actually it hasn’t started -- or maybe it started for us an hour ago--

Griffin: It begun an hour ago and you didn’t even realise it.

Travis: [crosstalk] Ah, shit.

Justin: [crosstalk] I’ll catch you up

Griffin: Hey! Lemme start weaving the story?

[beat of silence]

Clint: Weave! Weave away, weavemaster!

Griffin: So. Things have been quiet at the Bureau of Balance since the conclusion of your last adventure, uhm, which was probably a couple of months ago, because it is midsummer and it’s actually a--a couple of days from the Midsummer Harvest Festival, which was, if you’ll remember, that sick carnival you went to in that--that uh, first, uh, lunar interlude--

Travis: Where we saw the eyes in the skies…?

Griffin: Yeah! It’s been almost a year since then. Uhm, and uh so--so the Midsummer Harvest Festival is two days away but there’s actually -- weirdly enough, there’s no trappings of that festival going up. Like, last year round this time there were bureau employees coming and going, and putting up tents, and erecting booths, and preparing decorations, and setting up little game tents, but today just two days out preparation efforts have been...meager at best.

Justin: Budget cutbacks?

Clint: Cutbacks!

Travis: Oh no, wait were we supposed to do it---?! Oh shit.

Griffin: Well the three of you haven’t been helping out that much because the director has had the three of you doing really intensive training. Like… 8 hours a day every day--

Clint: Boooo--

Travis: Wait, like physical training, or just like corporate training?

Clint: [laughter]

Griffin: Uh, physical training, a lot of it taking place in that dojo that the regulators have set up. You’ve been working with Carey and Killian and Noelle and some of the other regulators to just like, get better? And, uh, I think that’s the justification for you all jumping up to level 12 in your training. And she’s been preparing you rigorously for your next mission, the particulars of which she hasn't shared.

She’s just kinda leaned on you in your training and, at this point, I mean it’s been a year now, you have like a pretty deep… personal, like relationship, even like friendship, with the Director... but in the past month she’s been… kinda cold… to you… She’s been more--

Travis: Like, temperature-wise or--?

Griffin: Like, um, relationship-wise -- she’s been really reserved---

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh no!

Griffin: During training the friendship that you’ve--, the friendliness that you’ve seen from her, it just isn’t there. She’s extremely critical when you’re in training and uh, she also seems extremely worried. And this morning while you’re on your way to one of these intensive training sessions, you receive a message from The Director: it’s time for your next mission to begin and she wants to see you in her office.

Clint: Uh-ohhhhh.

Griffin: And as you enter, she is sitting there, with uh, one hand on her staff, her- her face in her other hand, and she looks up as you enter her office and she says, uh:



Travis: I want you to know, Griffin, I really misunderstood what you just said, and I thought she was holding her staff in one hand and her face in the other--

[laughter] [crosstalk]

Griffin: [sarcastically] Yes, she took her face- slash- off--

Clint: Oooh! Westworld!

Griffin: No, she was, uh, no, she was just, she looks tired, man. And as you come in she says,



Justin: Who is this?

Clint: Uh, I’ve been binging Orange Is The--

Justin: It’s right there, your character. Sounds like Dad!



[laughter, crosstalk]



[laughter]

Griffin: She reaches into a drawer in her desk, and she pulls out a blue envelope with a fairly ornate gold trim, and she says,



Griffin: And she holds up that envelope, and uh, uh, opens it up and inside, she pulls out a flyer. Uhm, and it’s really gaudy. It’s really colourful, and it is advertising in big, colourful block letters, a place called ‘Wonderland’.

Travis: Oooh!

Griffin: And, uh, behind that word ‘Wonderland’ is a colourful map showing a large circular clearing in a forest called the Felicity Wilds, and on the reverse side of this flyer is a picture of a small copper bell. And it is inlaid with a diamond pattern across its body and in a bunch of different fonts, actually, all equally gaudy and ugly, this side with the bell on it reads: ‘The Grand Relic you’ve been looking for! The Animus Bell!’ And she hands that flyer to you all to inspect. She says:


 * {{NPC|The Director: I mean, I of course researched Wonderland before I made my attempt on it. It is a place where for those lucky enough to be invited or to otherwise be lured into its walls, it promised the fulfilment of any material wish, the rewarding of any prize that its visitors sought out (hence my personalised flyer here). It is of course a death trap,
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Aww.
 * {{NPC|The Director: but it was not without its fair share of victors. I heard stories, mostly secondhand, of survivors who made their way out of Wonderland claiming to have found the prizes that they sought within. But their accounts of what is inside Wonderland never matched up, meaning that the contents are somehow different for each person who enters it. One person told of a maze full of undead killers, another told of a tomb of horrors. I was… I was overly ambitious.}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: I mean, I of course researched Wonderland before I made my attempt on it. It is a place where for those lucky enough to be invited or to otherwise be lured into its walls, it promised the fulfilment of any material wish, the rewarding of any prize that its visitors sought out (hence my personalised flyer here). It is of course a death trap,
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Aww.
 * {{NPC|The Director: but it was not without its fair share of victors. I heard stories, mostly secondhand, of survivors who made their way out of Wonderland claiming to have found the prizes that they sought within. But their accounts of what is inside Wonderland never matched up, meaning that the contents are somehow different for each person who enters it. One person told of a maze full of undead killers, another told of a tomb of horrors. I was… I was overly ambitious.}}

Griffin: She turns her b-- she’s in like a rotating office chair--she sorta turns her back on you and she says:


 * {{NPC|The Director: My journey through Wonderland was hell, boys. I faced foes the likes of which I’ve never seen outside of those walls, and psychological terrors that to this day leave me shaken. I abandoned my delve into Wonderland, but only after losing a wager that cost me dearly.}}

Griffin: With her back to you, she is facing that portrait in the back of the room, the one that I guess-- I think it was Taako who thought it had some kind of arcane energy around it, and with a wave of her white oak staff, that image in the portrait changes, and the Lucretia that you see - she’s about a 50 year old woman - disappears, and there is a young woman, in the portrait, with the same light hair and dark skin that the Director has, but she looks a couple of decades younger than the Director that you know today. And the Director rotates her chair to face you and says:


 * {{NPC|The Director: That was me, not that long ago. I wagered 20 years of my life in a game of chess in Wonderland... and I lost. I’m not a vain woman. I don’t care about losing the beauty of my youth, but 20 years is lot of life to have pulled out from under you.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Why’d you wager that much? Seems like a lot.}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: Yeah.}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: It was what was necessary to progress through Wonderland. I’ve known about this place since before you joined the organisation, but to tell you the truth: I am terrified of it. ‘Cause if I lose you boys in Wonderland, we lose everything. But I think the time has come. I... I know that you’re ready.}}

Travis: I - okay, this is Travis OOC here. I’m having this moment that I have every time that I watch any kind of like... like, movie or TV show and like things have happened that some characters know about that others characters don’t, where I’m just like screaming at them like, ‘Just tell them! Just be open in communication and everybody tell everybody exactly what happened!’ and I’m sitting here, like, as Travis wanting to tell the Director everything that we know, but at the same time, just not knowing if I can trust her. I just wanted to share that moment with the audience and with you guys that I have no idea... what to do.

Griffin: Yeah so Magnus is remaining tight-lipped about what he saw on that piece of paper?

Travis: Yeah but it’s fuckin hard to do that! Cause like...

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: Magnus is pretty forthright and I don’t even know if I‘ve told Taako and Merle about it.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Yeah I think that’s an important point, I think we need to establish: Have we shared our stories with each other or not?

Griffin: Uh, well, I mean there was a difference between what you guys did on your most recent lunar interludes, you can talk about that whether or not you want. I actually don’t know if all of you listened to that Lunar Interlude, so this may not even be a dramatic irony situation, you may literally not know what happened in the other boys’ stories. So that’s up to you, and we can establish that before we go forward: what have you told each other?

Clint: Well, now that I think about it... I really impressed upon... dorkboy not to say anything to anybody, so I guess I still wanna to keep Moxie and Mavis a secret so.

Griffin: Okay. Not their names but--

Clint: Merle wouldn’t have shared that, then.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I would say that… [sigh] I don’t know! Has Magnus told them about the Voidfish conversation? I’m gonna say no, because I feel like him being a Red Robe because-- or in a picture not understanding it, he’s probably a little bit nervous to tell Taako and Merle about it because he doesn’t want to incriminate himself.

Griffin: Sure! Yeah. Uh, Taako, did you tell everybody about your hot date?

Justin: Uhh, no, probably not. Uh I think that--

[Clint laughs]

Justin: Not for any other reason than, like, Taako doesn’t seem somebody who shares a lot of that stuff necessarily anyway. Like I don’t think… Just because like Taako went on a date like [snorts with laughter] Taako went on a date with Death and that sounds like so cool--

Griffin: Yeah!

Justin: Actually, now that I say it out loud--

Griffin: Yeah!

Justin: He may not be able to resist! [cackling laughter] But I just don’t think--

Griffin: It is also worth keeping in mind: Kravitz tried to kill Merle for… a while there and it’s probably, is definitely responsible for what happened to his hand. I guess Magnus shares responsibility in that.

Justin: I just don’t want, I don’t want anybody to misconstrue it as Taako being like, cautious about talking about his sexuality. It’s literally just he doesn’t think it’s anybody’s fuckin’ business, especially not these three fuckin’ clowns--

[laughter]

Justin: --That have fixed onto him, barnacle-like, as he tries to save the earth.

Griffin: Well, okay, that’s good to know, let’s hop back into this scene, then. The Director is like, warning you, she says:


 * {{NPC|The Director: Wonderland will try to break you. You will face dangers the likes of which you’ve never seen. You will face mental and emotional torment. But if you stay together, and you trust each other, you can keep yourself from losing yourself in there.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Listen, I know that you went through some real hell in there, and it sounds like you had a really rough time. This. Sounds. Awesome.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: [quietly, slightly over Magnus] It does sound awesome!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I cannot wait to get in there and--}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: On the other hand! [nervous laugh] Sounds a little dangerous!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: No but like, there are challenges --}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: I bet Killian would -- Killian could knock the shit out of this job, I bet!}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: Killian - the, the Grand Relic, the Animus Bell, is still in Wonderland somewhere. I cannot trust Killian to go in and recover it without taking it for herself.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: [gasp] Gotcha gotcha gotcha! Is there some like buddy, some kind of person or thing that’s like, in charge of Wonderland that we’re gonna get to fight, like another big battle kinda thing?}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: I only--}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I just, it’s been a really long time and we didn’t really get to have like a biiiiig fight in the ‘Eleventh Hour’. }}
 * {{NPC|The Director: Oh, you will have good fights in there, I guarantee it. I - I only heard voices. There were… voices that would give me directions--}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Cool.}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: --but I never saw anybody in Wonderland. There were, I believe other participants in Wonderland while I was going through it, but I never saw them either.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Cool!}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: I’m less worried about the fights that you will have, and more worried about your emotional state being compromised while you’re in there.}}

Griffin: And then you hear a voice, from like immediately from like behind her chair, and I guess Angus has been hiding back there like the whole time and he says:


 * {{NPC|Angus: Don’t worry, sirs! I’ll be on the radio the whole time and I can help you monitor your emotional state and help keep you calm while you’re in there! So don’t worry about a thing! You’re gonna be cool as cucumbers when you go through Wonderland and the tortures inside!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: [feigning aloofness] And you are…?}}
 * {{NPC|Angus: I’m Angus McDonald, boy detective and your very good friend!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: [feigning uncertainty] Mm, it sounds familiar…}}

Clint: Shouldn’t there be some kind of little musical sting there, when he says that, y’know, like Leave it to Beaver theme or, something...?


 * {{NPC|Angus: Nope!}}

Clint: Okay!

Travis: I tousle Ango’s hair and I go:


 * {{Travis|Magnus: Of course I remember Ango.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Lemme see what you got, kid! How’s it comin’? Let’s see it!}}
 * {{NPC|Angus: Oh yeah, of course, sir!}}

Griffin: He casts Prestidigitation. And a uh--

Justin: He casts a fucking level 0 cantrip?! How long has it been?

Griffin: Okay he casts--

Justin: This is the smartest kid on earth and he casts a cantrip?

Griffin: He casts a level 1 spell, he casts Disguise Self on himself and he looks like you as a little boy -- er well he doesn’t know what you look like as a little boy, he just looks like a smaller Taako, and he says,


 * {{NPC|Angus: [in a caricatured version of Taako’s voice] What do you think, sir??}}

Travis: Griffin! Griffin! A taquito?

[cackling laughter from all]

Griffin: He says,


 * {{NPC|Angus: [in a Taako impression] What do you think, sir? How am I doooooing?}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: [unimpressed, holding back giggles] You’re still Angus, I wasn’t fooled for a second.}}

Griffin: He transforms back into Angus.


 * {{NPC|Angus: Oh- oh -o-kay, I’ll keep it up...}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Very - uh very good though! You’re coming along nicely!}}

Griffin: The Director says uh,


 * {{NPC|The Director: Are you boys ready to go, or do you have any more business before you blast off?}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: Wait we’re just like, jumping right in???}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: Would you rather spend like 20 minutes buying shorts again or?}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: I really like those shorts…}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: So -- They were great shorts. You can’t tell us anything about the bell? You don’t know what it does, or… what its deal is?}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: Uhm, no, it was -- when these grand relics were sort of circulating throughout the general population there were no accounts of the Animus Bell being used for any dark purposes. Whoever had it squirreled it away nicely and it never really circulated so we don’t have much information on the Animus Bell.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I… I need to ask… I’ve been thinking about it, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to talk to you. I feel like if there are other participants in the maze we run the risk of running into more Red Robes.}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: I find that unlikely. The Red Robes obviously, to my surprise, are still in operation, but there cannot be that many of them.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: But if we do run into one, what, is there anything the Bureau knows about them? Anything you can tell us?}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: They are extremely dangerous. They cannot be trusted. If you see one, report it to me over your Stone of Far Speech immediately. And just run away, you are not ready. Don’t listen to a word they say, they will lie to you to get you to do whatever they want, but their purposes are evil, Magnus, they are beings of pure, concentrated evil.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: But how do you know?}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: I - I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with the Red Robes.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: And they’ve all been evil?}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: Invariably. Any other questions?}}

[snorting and giggles from Justin/Taako and Clint/Merle]


 * {{Justin|Taako: I’ve got a quick errand to run before I can leave.}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: Okay, let’s get those going, then.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Oh wait! I do have a question!}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: [sounding maybe a little annoyed] Okay pop it off, Magnus.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: What’s the, why isn’t there a festival in prep?}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: Yeah!}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: [exasperated sigh] It would be a smaller--}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I was looking forward to having some fried unicorn dick!}}
 * {{NPC|The Director: It will be a smaller -- yuck -- it’ll be a smaller affair this year, I’m sorry boys, but there are slightly more pressing matters at hand.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: [quietly, almost under his breath] Okay. I thought there’d be a better explanation…}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Balls.}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: Yeah. [laughter]}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: It was a little underwhelming. There just aren’t. Got it. }}

Justin: Okay. I jog back -- Taako jogs back to his room and he gets underneath his bed and he moves some laundry aside, annnnd he moves the half-eaten Reese’s Piec- Cup he left annnd--

Travis: Wait he couldn’t finish a whole Reese's Cup?!

Justin: No, he’s watching his figure, and underneath that, oh! There it is! He picks up the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

[Griffin laughing hysterically]

Justin: [half-laughing as he speaks] He-he gets and grabs a washcloth real quick and wipes off some of the dust, and he puts it on his back.

Griffin: Okay! Uh, are you guys ready to go?

Travis: Griffin, is there any chance that Magnus could find where Pringles has been locked up?

Griffin: Ooooh shit! Uhh.... I mean he’s in uh, I mean there is… a … a… not a prison, what’s the word for like a military…?

Travis: Brig?

Griffin: Yeah, he’s in the brig. And he’s been locked up there for a long time. And I think you’ve probably have tried to like go visit him once if only to like, maybe you wanted like a dank potion recipe or something like that? But the brig is like heavy lockdown, Director’s access only or with express permission, and you have not secured that, so you have not been able to visit Pringles. He is on full-blown lockdown.

Clint: I’d ask for permission.

Travis: Yeah, can we ask the Director for permission?

Clint: We’re being sent into hell! We probably won’t come back-- [gasp of realisation]


 * {{Travis|Magnus: I’d like to say goodbye to my Pringles, please.}}

Griffin: She says uh,


 * {{NPC|The Director: I’m sorry, no. Pringles is… Pringles is dangerous, he is affiliated with the Red Robes. He cannot be trusted. There is no time also, we really need to get this Wonderland mission going. So, I’m sorry but no.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: You got it. Okay I just need to go grab something from my room.}}

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I 100% wanna break into the brig.

[“Doing Some Crime” starts playing in the background]

Griffin: Fuck! Okay! [pause] Do you tell the other boys what you’re doing?

Travis: No.

Griffin: Okay! There are -- the brig is in a -- we’re gonna take a quick offshoot then! -- There’s a dome, probably opposite the dome that the Director’s office and like big kinda throne room-area is in. It is a fairly small dome and when you go inside there is an elevator shaft going down, it’s kinda reminiscent of the dome that the Voidfish is in, because there’s just a single small elevator shaft in the middle and it is guarded by two guards and they say,


 * {{NPC|Guards: Stop right there! What are you doing here?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Oh, I have permission from the Director to come, I just need to talk to the prisoner for one moment.}}
 * {{NPC|Guards: Uh, we don’t accept verbal permission or written permission, she needs to be here in person in order for you to get a trip down to visit our prisoner.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Oh yes of course, just one sec--}}

Travis: And I attack them.

[Justin snorts]

Griffin: Fuck! Okay!

Justin: [overlapping] What the hell.

Travis: I’m attempting to attack them non-fatally.

[quiet snickering from Justin]

Griffin: Okay how about instead of... doing a full fight here ‘cause I think it’ll take a while and it’ll be something the other 2 boys don’t get to be part of, let’s roll a strength contest--

Travis: [overlapping] Okay!

Griffin: Two different ones but I’m gonna warn ya, Trav, if this goes bad, it’s gonna go fuckin’ bad.

Travis: I gotcha!

Justin: Is this a solo mish? Am I… are we… seeing this?

[music fades out]

Griffin: No! I mean, Travis, it sounds like you were going to get your sword and Merle was gonna do something else, it’s up to you, I mean you can tell me now, in fiction if you can justify it: would you have any reason to follow Magnus around as you guys do your last prep before you go on this mission?

Clint: Merle was just gonna go clear his browsing data. So, no.

Griffin: Okay. [snickering] Gross.

Travis: Gross.

[laughter]

Travis: So I rolled-- I rolled--

Griffin: And Taako, Taako, what about you?

Justin: Uhm.

Clint: I mean, I think it would help if he had magic-users with him, but oh! you go ahead and do what you think!

Justin: No! I’m not gonna make a run at the Bureau of Balance! You’re asking a character--

Clint: No! I’m just saying he’d be better off with us! He’s not gonna do this without us--

Justin: He didn’t ask for help!

Clint: I know!

Justin: He didn’t even consult us!

Clint: Fine--

Justin: This should be a group decision!

Clint: I know, well, we may be going on this mission by ourselves...

Justin: Enjoy! Taako’s good out here!

Clint: Yeah!

[sound of d20 rolling]

Travis: Um, so with my bonuses and everything I ended up with a 19 and a 20.

Griffin: Okay, I rolled a 15 on the first one [sound of dice rolling] and a 2 on the second one. All right! Uh yeah, let’s just say you subdue them using like the butt of the Chance Lance, so no stabbing was involved but you knock these two guys out cold--

Travis: I put ‘em in the pocket workshop.

Griffin: … Okay … Yeah alright we’re gonna have to come up with names for these boys earlier--later, because now you have... captives??

Travis: Two boys??

Griffin: Now you just have Pokemon’d these two boys [laughter from the others] so I guess later we’re gonna figure out who these boys are because now they live... in your pocket. I’m gonna say the pocket workshop can only sustain 2 boys at once though, [Travis giggles] because I don’t want you to have an infinite bag of boys--

Travis: --Fair enough!

Griffin: --That you can just put boys inside. But these 2 boys you do have inside, and you just have them now. Okay so now you’ve got these 2 boys, and the elevator’s unguarded. Uh, you go down the elevator’s basically identical to the Voidfish one and when you go down, there is just a small brig, there are 6 cells in here but only one of them is occupied by your old friend Robbie aka Pringles, who runs up to the cell when you walk in and he says -- oh fuck, what did he even sound like??? What - wh - I wasn’t expecting Pringleplay!

Clint: [in a slow, surfer dude laid-back drawl] Wasn’t he kinda like a laid back, almost like a Shaggy kinda guy?

Griffin: If not, then the months he spent in prison have turned him into that. He’s like,


 * {{NPC|Pringles: [in a surfer-dude drawl] Magnus, is that chu? Aw, shit I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, dude! Didju bring me mah stuff? My Pringies? You know how much I need those... To live!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Pringles, I can’t be here very long. Why are you in here?}}

Clint: [laughing] I have two boys in my workshop!


 * {{Travis|Magnus: I’ve got two boys in my workshop!}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: Why am I in the brig, they didn’t tell you?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: No!}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: It was like treason, I guess, dude. I’ll be honest, the Director didn’t believe me, nobody believes me, but like, somebody had me go all through the Bureau of Balance, y’know even the places I wasn’t authorised to be, and then I just kinda woke up and I was in a place I wasn’t supposed to be, and then the Director arrested me, uhm, summarily, and I’ve been down here ever since.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: What was the place that you woke up in?}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: It was a dark room and I was right by this big heavy vault door and uhm.. I just.. I know I was... in the Director’s personal space and there was some of her stuff back there, uhm, and yeah, that’s, that’s where they found me, man. Hey, can you, can you break me outta here?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: No, I can’t. I’m sorry.}}

[Clint laughs]


 * {{Travis|Magnus: I mean maybe I can physically, but the question of can I and may I; I may not--}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: Can you do me a bigger favour?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: What’s that?}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: Can you get me those sweet crisps I crave so much?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I, I will get you, I promise, I’ll stop at the fantasy Go-Mart and get you some on my way back.}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: My body has a deficiency that--}}

[laughter]


 * {{Travis|Magnus: You need vitamin Pringles, I got it. [Clint cackles] Can you tell me anything you remember from before your body was taken over and you moved without your control?}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: I was in our bunk, you remember?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Yes.}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: You remember the good times?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I do. Focus up, please!}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: We played Cornhole?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I kno– yes I remember the Cornhole. I’ve only got like 3 minutes.}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: I was just in our bunk, and you guys were out on a mission, n’ I was real lonely, and then, my vision just kinda went red, and then the next thing I know I woke up.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: And that’s it?}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: That’s it! I hadn’t had any Pringles that day so I thought I was in maybe some sorta fugue state.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Okay. Um, if anybody asks, I most definitely totally wasn’t here.}}

[“Doing Some Crime” resumes]


 * {{NPC|Pringles: Okay, what happened to those guards upstairs?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Oh they’re still up there, totally fine, don’t even worry about it. Gotta go!}}
 * {{NPC|Pringles: Oh! Okay! [awkward pause] I miss-- I miss us!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Uh, yup! }}

Travis: And I get in the elevator.

[musical interlude and commercial break] [30:31-36:07]

Griffin: There’s going to be consequences to what happened. Um, at some point, I think? Unless you can figure a way out of it, but if you guys are ready to go, then I guess it’s time to go. Magnus, are you freeing your two Pokémon that you’ve got?


 * {{Travis|Magnus: Taako or Merle, do either one of you have any -- just, uh, outta curiosity -- any kind of like... mind-erasing magic…?}}

Griffin: This conversation is happening at the hangar as you guys are about to, as you guys have sorta regrouped.


 * {{Clint|Merle: Why do you ask?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: I’m just… mmmmm… errmmmm… I’m, hmmm… I--}}

Justin: So we don’t know that he did this?

Griffin: He hasn’t - did you tell em?

Travis: Nope.

Griffin: And did you guys follow him?

Justin: No.

Griffin: Then no!


 * {{Travis|Magnus: I may need… a couple boys’ minds erased and reprogrammed if you’ve got that?}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: [groans and sighs] Ohh, shhh-- spell slots man…}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Yeah, spell slots.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Yeah it could-- uhh, mmmmm, errr, okay, mmmm-- hypoth--}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: [unintelligible crosstalk] I mean like, we don’t have -- neither one of us know how to do that, as far as I know.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Okay cool cool, never mind, not important [Travis laughs, holding back laughter as he talks]. It might come up later.}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: You could give him the same mind erasure tonic we gave uh, Jerry and some of those goblins workin’ on the car. Remember that? Remember that special brew? }}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Mm, no, what? }}
 * {{Justin|Taako: That special tonic we gave ‘em where we killed ‘em! The end.}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Uh, that’s true…}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: Can we kill these guys?}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Ooh kill ‘em!}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: No, noooo, probably not…}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: [gasps with an idea] Or maybe you hit ‘em so hard- if you hit them- they have amnesia!}}

Travis: Did I, Griffin?

Griffin: Oh, no! Uh, you are -- Avi walks into the hangar and you realise maybe this conversation should wait. Uh and he says uh,


 * {{NPC|Avi: Oh hey guys I haven’t, I haven’t seen you in a while, how’ve you been?}}
 * {{Travis|Magnus: Good! }}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Good, yeah.}}
 * {{NPC|Avi: I’ve invited you guys to poker night a couple of times but you never responded, what’s the deal?}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: I don’t know how to play.}}

Griffin: He gets a ball ready for you all to hop into, and preps the direction of the cannon, and he says,


 * {{NPC|Avi: Oh! God! Okay, the Felicity Wilds actually aren’t that far away so… just get ready to hit the brakes pretty quickly, okay?}}
 * {{Justin|Taako: Okay!}}
 * {{NPC|Avi: Are you guys ready to go?}}
 * {{Clint|Merle: Yup!}}

Justin: Taako rests his hand on the brakes so he’s ready.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: Lot more confident than we used to be.

Griffin: Uh, yeah this is not your first blast-off. Okay you all load up into the ball, Avi seals it up, and it drops down into the cannon chamber and you hear him count down, and you rest your heads against the back of your seats and prepare for launch!


 * {{Clint|Merle: [relaxing] Ahhhh...}}

Griffin: And as you fly out of the cannon, you go on not a long trip, but along the way you see some familiar sights: you coast over the black glass circle that used to be Phandalin, and actually over the road from Neverwinter to Phandalin where your very first journey began -- the Bureau is almost right over that area. And just past that road, there is a vast expanse of pine trees, and as soon as you start sailing over them, your sphere begins to decline pretty quickly. You are dropping pretty fast into this ocean of trees.

Justin: [overlapping] I pull the brake.

Griffin: Okay, you pull the brakes and very soon your sphere uh starts to slow waaay down and it’s...it’s lowering very very slowly, almost like an airplane coming in for landing, and it’s being brushed by the high boughs of these pine trees. But you’re descending slowly enough that it doesn’t really present any danger. And then uh really suddenly you come to a stop, but you are not on the ground of this forest.

Your, your ball took a tumble and has gotten sort of stuck up in a thick bundle of branches in the boughs of these trees, and you are about 40 feet up, and the hatch is actually facing downwards when it opens up, although you’re strapped in so it’s not like you have fallen out. But you are kind of in a precarious position of being in this glass ball about 40 feet up, and the sphere that you came down in is sorta suspended in these boughs, and uh, yeah, what do you, what do you do to sort of extract yourself from this situation?

Travis: Griffin, what happens to these spheres when we exit them? Do they like, get sucked back up?

Griffin: Yeah automatically the balloon on top activates and they fly back up to the base.

Travis: Got it.

Clint: How high up are we?

Griffin: About 40 feet.

Justin: I just jump out.

Clint: Sounds like no problem for… The Vroom Broom!

Griffin: Oh yeah, okay! So like Merle, you retrieve the, is that what it’s called? I think it’s just called --

Clint: That’s what I called it!

Griffin: Okay, what’s the command word that you say to get it going?

Clint: Uh, ‘Hang ten!’

Griffin: [absolutely fuckin’ delighted] Fuck! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Clint: Cause I’m gonna surf on it, I’m not gonna ride it sidesaddle--

Griffin: SSSSSAAYY NO MOOOORE!

Clint: I’m gonna stand on it and surf on down to the ground.

Griffin: You are living Merle’s truth right now! Uh yeah, you hang ten on the broom--


 * {{Clint|Merle: Hang tennnn!}}

Griffin: And you effortlessly make your way down to the ground. Uh, make a perception check for me?

Clint: Okay!

Griffin: Since you’re the first person out.

Clint: [sound of d20 being rolled] There’s a big fat 2.

Griffin: Okay. Youuu… don’t perceive anything. [Clint laughs] Taako -- Do you shout ‘Hang ten’ when you go down?

Clint: Oh yeah, I gotta shout the word!

Griffin: Excellent, excellent, good.


 * {{Clint|Merle: Hang teeeeennnn!}}

Justin: I leap out of the bubble, and I throw the Umbra staff to Mmmagus-Magnus as I go.

Clint: [snorts with laughter at Justin forgetting Magnus’ name] We have gotten close, haven’t we?

Justin: Yeah. And I say,


 * {{Justin|Taako: It’s got feather-fall, homie!}}

Justin: And then as I fall, I take advantage of a power that, as a transmutation wizard I’ve had since level 10, and I have not taken advantage of it--

Griffin: Oh man--

Justin: And that’s free polymorph. So I just spread my wings--

Griffin: Holy shit!

Justin: And turn into just like, the most beautiful soaring dove, as strains of Nelly Furtado’s ‘I’m Like a Bird’ caress my wings as I fly.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Jesus.

[Justin begins to sing and snap his fingers in rhythm]


 * {{Justin|Taako: “I’m like a biiiiird, wanna fly awaayyy / I dunno where my home--” }}

Justin: And it’s just like, so graceful,

Griffin: Yeah--

Justin: And like, dew, I’m like flicking dew--

Clint: [moans with envy and awe] Ohhh, man!

Justin: --off the branches as I fly. And uh, I blithely float down. Imma do a perception check long as I’m out here. [sounds of rolled dice] Uh that’s a big 11.

Clint: It is a big 11.

Griffin: With an 11 you, uh, I imagine these events happen fairly simultaneously: when Merle shouts, ‘Hang ten!’, you hear what sounds like a few animals roar.

Justin: Uh-oh! Okay, cool.

Griffin: Magnus. So uh he threw the Umbra staff to you...

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin: As you catch it from him throwing it to you, it jerks out of your hand like it doesn’t want to be held by you, and it actually flies down and lands at Taako’s feet. It didn’t want you to use it, it wanted to stay with Taako. So now you are still up in this tree.

Travis: Huh. Cool. I’m going to use my grappling hook.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And I’m going to attempt to grapple a branch -- basically I wanna like anchor the pod so I can right it. So I’m not just gonna drop out if I unhook myself.

Griffin: Yeah, I don’t think this is gonna require anything because you’re using this grappling hook -- which you can only use once per day, you’re fine with that, right?

Travis: Yeah, I’ll forget to use it later on anyways.

Griffin: Yeah, okay I think you just kinda like, connect the grappling hook hook to like a branch and then you just lower down, slowly, like Inspector Gadget-style.

Travis: Well I do, before I go though--

Griffin: Yeah?

Travis: I do, since I’m anchored, I wanna strap my two boys into the sphere before I drop out.

Griffin: Interesting! Okay, so you’re taking - are you just leaving the pocket workshop in the sphere or are you just taking them out?

Travis: No, yeah, I’m taking them out, I wanna keep the workshop!

Griffin: Okay you then really quickly as the boys can’t really, Merle and Taako can’t really see you anymore, you make quick work as you pull these 2 still unconscious men out of the pocket workshop and tie them up inside of the sphere. Is that-

Travis: I wanna leave a note inside one of the knocked-out boys’ pockets that says: “Lucretia, if I make it out of this, we have a lot of discussing to do. Magnus.”

Griffin: Okay. Let’s say that you maybe had that note pre-prepared because that’s a lot of business for you to be doing up in this tree.

Travis: Yes...

Griffin: Uh okay yeah, so yeah, you get rid of your two boys and tie them up inside the bubble, and as you drop down, you hear the balloon deploy and you look up, and you can sorta see through the boughs of the trees as the sphere floats away, back up into the sky.

Travis: Should I roll a perception check? Everybody else did.

Griffin: Uh yeah roll a perception check.

Travis: It’s a 1!

[giggling]

Griffin: You don’t even hear the roaring.

Travis: I don’t see the ground! Where are we, who am I?

Griffin: Uh, you realise the roars are actually coming from above you, and there’s a clearing in the boughs, and you can see up, and you see that bubble, you see this sphere floating away in the balloon and you look up, and you see in the sky a HUGE beast. And it kinda flies between the sun and you, just sorta casting a shadow, and it makes it kinda hard to see, but it’s gigantic, and it’s got these two gigantic wings. And it roars as it flies directly into the balloon--

Travis: [inhales sharply]-- oh no!

Griffin: And attacks it. And the balloon pops and that sphere just falls outta the sky--

Travis: My boys!

Griffin: --from about 80 feet up, and it falls somewhere else into the forest and uh, you hear a pretty gnarly crash, and then this huge beast kinda does a lap up in the sky, and then it comes diving down directly at the three of you.

Travis: Oh no - I feel - can I just say? I feel just terrible about this.

Clint: [sounding far away from his microphone and then getting closer] I feel pretty good about it.

Griffin: This thing comes to a sudden halt directly in front of the three of you, and you see it is in fact a gigantic beast and it has two large scaly wings, and it has a large scaly head, and it has some fire sort of spouting from the corners of its draconic mouth. But it also has two other heads. One of them is a lion, who is also roaring, and he’s got razor sharp teeth in his mouth, and the other is a goat with two large horns on its head and it’s uh bleeding - bleating at you violently. It is a chimera, and let’s roll some initiative.

[sound of rolling dice from all]

Travis: Land o’ Goshen. I rolled a 16.

Justin: 2.

Clint: 12. Oh wait! I get a second roll.

Travis: Oh sorry, 16 plus 2. 18!

Griffin: Okay!

[sound of dice rolling]

Clint: Oh, I’d say give it to Travis, that’s a 6.

Griffin: Uh, the chimera’s up first!

Travis: Oh, and can I just as a free action, switch my dial to fire on my Defender’s Belt?

Griffin: Yeah, I like the concept of you doing that as like a, ‘Oh shit!’ uh, so yeah.

Travis: I feel bad about accidentally killing my boys.

Griffin: I mean, the chimera killed them.

Travis: If I had kept them in my pocket spa-- or my pocket workshop they wouldn’t be dead.

Griffin: They may be okay.

Clint: Listen, with a chimera hovering in front of us, I’d be glad to go check on them if you want. I mean, just to make sure they’re okay.

Travis: Nooo, no, I just feel bad...

Griffin: Okay the chimera goes first. And uh, it has again a dragon head, a lion head, and a goat head. Uh first thing you need to do is make a dexterity saving throw. All 3 of you.

[sound of rolling dice from all]

Travis: That wasn’t good. But--

Justin: 14 for the kid.

Clint: 9.

Travis: Mine was a 7 but I’m gonna go ahead and use Indomitable to roll it again. Yeah okay that’s a… tennnnn, plus two, twelve.

Griffin: Okay, uh all three of you get caught up in this plume of flame.

Travis: Dang.

Justin: Dag.

Griffin: Uh you try to dodge out of the way but it is a huge 15 foot cone, so you have a hard time sort of diving. And as you are consumed with flame you take, each, you take 28 points of fire damage.

Justin: Son of a…

[Clint whistles in an impressed slide whistle tone]

Travis: But I get half damage!

Griffin: Yeah, you’re good. Then it uh, runs up to Taako, and with its goat head it is gonna try to ram you. And you know what, it’s probably a ram’s head then, innit? I mean, if it has ram’s horns…

Justin: I mean, by definition, right?

Griffin: Yeah--

Justin: If it’s ramming things, it’s a ram.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s a ram, then. 16 versus AC?

Justin: [takes a deep breath] Uh, that’s gonna do it.

Griffin: It rams you for 11 points of bludgeoning damage.

Travis: Tee hee hee.

Griffin: And then, Merle, the lion head is kinda facing you, it’s gonna reach down and try to take a bite outta ya.

Clint: Mkay.

[sounds of rolling dice]

Griffin: Uh, that is a crit.

Clint: Great.

Griffin: Uh it hits you, it bites into you for 22 points of piercing damage.

Clint: [sarcasm] Great, all riiiiiight!

Justin: [in a low sarcastic voice] Excellent.

Clint: [sarcastic] Feeeels great!

Griffin: [sarcastic enthusiasm] That was a lot of damage! Good work, Chimera!

Clint: [sarcastic] Yeah! Sure was!

Travis: Do these count as individual monsters or as one monster?

Griffin: Uhhh, yes. Magnus, you’re up next.

Travis: Wait, what?

Clint: Huh?

Griffin: It’s one monster made up of different parts.

Travis: Cool. I’m going to attack it.

Griffin: Kay. Where are you attacking it?

Travis: Imma attack it at the base of the dragon neck.

Griffin: Okay so you’re gonna--with what?

Travis: With my two-handed Railsplitter.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Nope that’s not gonna do it.

Griffin: Well lemme know.

Travis: Well that was a 4.

Griffin: No...

Travis: Yeah...

Justin: No…

Travis: I’m gonna try my second attack now, try it again.

Griffin: Kay.

Travis: [sound of dice rolling] Okay yeah that’s probably gonna do it. So 17 plus 7-- 24--

Griffin: Yes, yes yes yes.

Travis: And then I’m gonna use Goading Strike.

Clint: Goating Strike!

Griffin: On the goat?

Travis: Nooooo, you guyyyys…

Griffin: Well if you use it on the goat it dies instantly, ‘cause that’s its weakness--

Clint: --So it has a goat and a ram. It has 4 heads!

Griffin: It has a secret fourth head. On its butt.

Travis: Uhm so 11 damage,

Griffin: Plus superiority?

Travis: And then 11 plus 5, so it needs to do a wisdom saving throw to beat 16.

Griffin: It has a minus 4 to wisdom, so.

[sound of rolling dice]

Griffin: It’s a negative two.

Justin: Whaaaat?

Travis: So- so yeah, now it has disadvantage on attacks not against me and it takes 11 points of damage.

Griffin: Kay!

Travis: And now I’m going to use Action Surge to attack again.

Griffin: Kay.

Travis: And I’m gonna throw the Chance Lance at the lion’s head.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: So that’s 13 plus 7 is a 20.

Griffin: Yep.

Travis: Oh sorry, 21! Because of my giant slayer’s ring!

Griffin: Oh yeah, this thing is definitely bigger than you.

Travis: Definitely bigger than me, so that’s uhhh, 9 points of damage.

Griffin: All right! Next in the order is Merle.

Clint: I’m gonna cast Mass Cure Wounds.

Griffin: Oh, okay!

Clint: On us three buddies.

Justin: Nice. Nice.

Clint: And it is, uhh 3d8 plus my spellcasting modifier.

[rolling dice]

Clint: So that’s a 6. And my spellcasting modifier, I believe is a 3, so that makes it 9, correct?

Griffin: Yes!

Justin: No, well 3d8 is three of those.

Clint: Okay so 18 for each of us.

Griffin: Roll it three times.

Justin: You gotta roll it three times.

Clint: Ohhhh. Silly Merle…

[snorts from Justin and he mutters something, probably about how his dad still doesn’t know how to play Dungeons and Dragons...]

[sound of dice rolling]

Clint: Another 6! [sound of dice rolling] And another 6!

Justin: I’ll be damned! Yeez! He knew!

Clint: Well, no shit! Six, six, six!

Justin: It was accurate!

Clint: 18 plus 3 so we each get 21 points back.

Griffin: One second, wait! You said 21?

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: You actually only heal for 19. For some reason like… just feels a bit off, Merle.

Clint: Well, shit.

Griffin: Your divine like… connection that sorta fuels all your power… It feels a bit, [high pitched] uhmmm, just feels a little bit off. Just a little bit weird. [normal voice] So that’s 19 points, still a lot, but [high pitched voice] jus’ a little bit off!

Clint: [very high pitched] Well okay!

Justin: That’s weird.

[Clint laughs]

Clint: Right! So 19 points up, correct?

Griffin: Yep!

Justin: Thank you very much. I needed that very much.

Clint: Me too.

Griffin: Taako, you’re up next.

Justin: Okay, good. Shall I kill it?

Griffin: Sure!

Travis: Sure!

Justin: Uh, great.

Clint: Awesome.

Justin: Great, well, uh, I dunno if I’ll be able to kill it or not but y’know we’ll give it the ol’ college try. ‘Cause uh bad news for this uh, sonofabitch is I can cast level 6 spells now. So uh, what’s it doing right now?

Griffin: I do wanna point out. You can cast level 6 spell. Cause you’ve only got the one spell slot and I told dad this while you were in the bathroom, but I am gonna be tracking that stuff unlike the… last arc--

Justin: Well then, Jesus, Griffin!

[laughter from Clint]

Griffin: It’s episode one, dawg, we got a lotta arc left to go!

Justin: Yeah but I like, you know that, our show has to this point has functioned on the ‘assumed rest’. By which I mean, it is assumed that we have rested any time that the numbers don’t add up… sort of.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Clint: I mean, we go two weeks.

Justin: Okay, here! Fine!

Griffin: Well shit’s gonna get real down in Wonderland, so I dunno about that.

Justin: Uh, okay, here, I got this. I’ll try this one: how about… aaan ice storm?

Griffin: Oh shit.

[Clint gasps]

Justin: [reading from the D&D manual] “A hail of rock hard--

[He starts laughing, Travis and Clint laugh at the innuendo]

Griffin: [playfully exasperated] Ohhhh, come on, really?

Travis: Nooice!

Justin: “40 foot high cylinders centered on a point within range” -- so it’s basically just like a big-ass ice storm and you gotta succeed on a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: I probably also have to succeed at that saving throw, don’t I?

Justin: Uhh, are you a creature? [starts laughing]

Clint: No!

Griffin: Yeah he’s a creature, I mean he, and we got to like--

Justin: Yeah, but I got spellshaping--

Griffin: You don’t got spellshaping anymore. I cannot stress this enough. You gave that up when you switched to transmutation.

Justin: I never sw-, I wouldn’t say ‘switched’. Okay. Alright well, I don’t spellshape anymore.

Clint: He’s turned into a hardass!

Justin: Yeah, I love it, though.

Griffin: [loudly, nearly over Justin’s comment] Uh 13… doesn’t do it.

Justin: Noooo.

Griffin: Magnus, how’d you do?

Justin: Trav?

Travis: Is it dexterity?

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: Uh so it’s 14 plus 2, 16.

Justin: Uh, yes, that does succeed.

Travis: Perfect.

Justin: 15 is what we were looking for.

Griffin: All right. Uh so, what do I do?

Justin: You’re going to take 2d8 bludgeoning damage, and 4d6 cold damage.

Clint: Man!

Griffin: All right.

Justin: So lemme do the cold damage first--

Travis: Really glad I dodged!

Justin: Me tooooo. [sound of rolling dice] 4. [clattering dice] 6. [clattering dice] 6. [clattering dice] 4. Wow. Devastating.

Griffin: 20!

Justin: 20 cold damage. And then lemme grab that d8 right quick.

Clint: [in a golf commentator’s hushed voice] Justin is reaching for the metallic bag within which he keeps his die. Let’s see what happens!

Justin: [muttering] I’ll do a good job, that’s what happens. Every time. [rolls dice] 6.

Griffin: Jesus!

Justin: [rolls dice] And 4. So 10--

Clint: 30!

Justin: Yeah, 30 altogether.

Griffin: That was a big hit. With that hit, the dragon head looks pretty bad off--

Justin: Now Magnus, my dude, you do have to take that half that damage, and I am very, very sorry about that.

Griffin: Oh no!

Travis: That’s fine. That’s fine, you know what? I get it.

Justin: I think it’s what you would’ve wanted.

Griffin: So that’s 15 damage to you, Magnus.

Travis: Yeah, down to 96...

Clint: The Merle giveth and the Taako taketh away.

[Justin giggles]

Travis: I mean, listen, I’m still at 96 hitpoints, so I’m doing o-kay.

Clint: Geez!

Travis: Yeah, I’m a tank!

Griffin: The dragon head looks pretty bad off after that hit, the other two heads look uh… pretty hurt, but not as bad off as the dragon head, cause the dragon head - the chimera’s up next - the dragon head tries to barf up a spout of flame but nothing really comes out, uh so instead it is going to snap at you, Magnus, since you goaded it.

Travis: Good luck!

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, 19 versus AC?

Travis: What if I’m at 19?

Griffin: Uh, no, on attack rolls the attacker hits.

Travis: Oh, okay. Well then, I got hit.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, he bites into you for 13 points of damage.

Travis: That’s fine.

Griffin: The ram’s head is going to charge at you, Magnus. Well it’s not a ram--charging, it’s standing still tryin’ta butt ya.

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, that’s just 15 though, so that’s a miss.

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: And then the lion head is gonna take disadvantage and try to attack Merle.

Clint: Okay.

[sound of dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, that was a 19 versus AC, which I imagine hits but…?

[sound of dice rolling]

Clint: It hits.

Griffin: Uh 17 versus AC?

Clint: No! My AC is 18.

Griffin: Okay! Uh it gets like it’s mouth on you, but its teeth do not get through your armour. And it retracts. Next up is Magnus.

Travis: Because I want the extra AC I’m now gonna switch to one-handed Railsplitter and get my shield out.

Griffin: Okay!

Travis: That’ll give me a plus 2 to AC. Then I’m going toooooo… I’mma try to get on its back.

Griffin: Oh okay, we’re Dragon’s Dogma-ing this shit now, then?

Travis: Yeah yeah. What would that be? Is that acrobatics or athletics?

Griffin: Uhm it’s gonna try to buck you off, so I think it’s gonna be for you probably athletics versus my… dexterity? Uh yeah, probably dexterity.

[Sound of dice rolls]

Griffin: Well I rolled a 21.

Travis: I got 16 plus 7, so 23.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you’re on this thing’s back and you’re grabbed on.

Travis: I guess that’s probably one of my actions, right? Or is that the move?

Griffin: That is... We’ll say that is… I mean, that’s one of your actions, yes.

Travis: Okay, and then I will attack the base of the dragon neck.

Griffin: Okay, we’ll say you have advantage since you kinda have a good position on it now.

[sound of dice being rolled]

Travis: Kay, good because that was a 1. [laughs and rolls again] Okay so 15 plus 7, 22, 23.

Griffin: Yup, that is a hit.

Travis: 8 plus 6, 14 points of damage.

Griffin: Uh, okay the dragon head looks like, unconscious? now. The dragon head is just kinda hanging limp.

Travis: Cool!

Griffin: Uh, that’s it, right? ‘Cause you did 2 actions.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, uh Merle, you are up.

Clint: I am going to cast… a brand new one!

Justin: Mmm!

Clint: Insect Plague!

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Holy shit! Okay! Okay! Yes!

Clint: [reading aloud from the D&D manual] “Swarming biting locusts fill a 20 foot radius sphere centered on a point--”

Griffin: Excellent.

Clint: “--that you choose within range. A creature takes 4d10 piercing damage” but it has to make a constitution saving throw.

Griffin: Kay--

Travis: Ohh, you guys!

Griffin: You just gonna aim that right at Magnus? Or you just sorta gonna put that one--

Clint: No! I’m gonna aim the sphere at the feet of the chimera.

Griffin: I don’t think that dog’s gonna hunt. ‘Cause that would mean that you’re aiming it into the ground. The conceit for area-effect attacks is that they have collateral damage and the only way to abate that is to... plan around it.

Clint: Okay, I hit him with the sphere!

Griffin: Mmkay!

Clint: You got 96 points, right, Magnus?

[Justin snorts]

Justin: He’s fiiiine!

Travis: Sure! What do I--

Justin: We’re just here with all the points you had!

Travis: What is it--

Griffin: Constitution.

Travis: Constitution, you say?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Yeah, close to 20.

[sound of rolling dice]

Justin: Whaddup! What’s up now!

Clint: [cheering] Yeah!

Travis: It’s a crit twentyyyyy! The bugs! Swarm! Around meeeee!

Justin: You’re dodgin’ ‘em like fuckin Neo.

Clint: All right! So I need to roll 4-- 4d10.

Griffin: Well no, I rolled a 19. I think this thing saves, but it has to move, right? Or else…?

Clint: [reading from the manual] “Creature takes 4d10 piercing damage on a failed save,”

Griffin: Right.

Clint: “or half as much damage on a successful one.”

Griffin: Okay so there’s the half damage. So you still roll damage.

Travis: Oh, cool!

Clint: [sound of clattering dice] Wait, is that the 10? All right 7. [sound of clattering dice] 5. [sound of clattering dice] Zero - oh that’s 10!

Justin: 10, yeah.

Clint: So what’s that up to so far?

Travis: 22.

Clint: 7, 22. [sound of clattering dice] 19!

Travis: Wow!

Clint: A nine, 21!

Griffin: But half that, right?

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: No, half of 31.

Clint: 31. So fifteen and a half points.

Griffin: Uh, just 15.

Travis: [pleading playfully] Even though I crit-ed, Griffin?

Clint: [overlapping] Awww.

Griffin: Okay, you round up to 16.

Travis: [overlapping] No wait, now hold on--!

Griffin: Yeah, even though you crit-ed.

Travis: Ugh, okay.

Justin: [holding back laughter] That seems unlikely. [giggling]

Griffin: Uhm... as it takes that--

Justin: He was so constitute though.

Griffin: --it takes that damage and the lion head, now droops down, uh, and is unconscious. and with that, the goat head like bleats loudly and it rears back on its back legs and Magnus, you, you, uh, Magnus I guess make a dex save.

[sound of rolling dice]

Travis: Uh, I mean, meh. It’s an 8.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you get thrown off its back to the ground, but you don’t take any damage. And the uh goat head, the only sort of remaining head and the rest of its body extends those wings, and it starts to flap them to fly off. And it gets a few feet off the ground, and then an arrow comes in and hits that goat head right in the dome. And with that, uh, the chimera just instantly falls to the ground, dead. And when you look behind you--

Clint: Oh please be Hawkeye, please be Hawkeye!

Griffin: It’s the, it’s the Guy himself. The Hawk… Guy!

Clint: Hawkeye?! [sighs]

Griffin: You see a few people. You see a half-elf, uh, man, who is kinda gruff, and dressed mostly in pelts. And he’s holding this bigass longbow, in like attack position, so he was the one who shot that arrow. He’s got a short, shaggy beard and dark red hair. With him you see a wood elf who has dark purple hair and nearly identical leather armour to the half-elf with the bow. And she’s holding this knotted, natural wooden staff. And uh, these two are standing in like, combat poses.

And from out behind a tree, sort of cautiously poking his head outward, you see a kinda scrawny human man, who is no older than like 20 years old, probably, but he’s dressed in like this finery that is white and gold. He is the cleanest thing in a 10 mile radius. Is there a roll, is there a skill that would like, let you know who people are? Like in 4th edition, there was ‘streetwise’. Is there anything like that in this game? What would you roll to like, know who…?

Travis: History…?

Justin: History or insight?

Clint: I have Legend Lore. A spell...

Travis: Insight, I would say.

Clint: If I describe a person it-- if I describe a person--

Griffin: Uh no, insight is--- make a… how about just make a straight-up Intelligence roll?

Travis: [glumly] Oh. [sound of rolling dice] I got an 18!

Justin: 20.

Clint: I got a natural 4.

Griffin: Magnus and Taako, you recognise this guy. He is Lord Artemis Sterling. The Ruler of Neverwinter, and the most powerful man in the world.

[the outro music begins to play…]

Clint: But I get the credit on the kill, right?

Griffin: Oh, def.

Clint: Okay.

[Justin laughs, delighted]

[outro theme]