The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 10/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...

















[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]

Griffin: It is finally the following morning. The longest day in literary history has been concluded. We almost lived that one out in fuckin’ real time. [Clint chuckles] But it’s the following morning and the three of you have regrouped at Amnesty Lodge. It is a nice day outside but the scene in here seems kind of, uh, a little bit bleaker than you’re used to seeing here at Amnesty Lodge. Usually this is a warm place of gathering and kindness, but right now there's just a few people in the lobby. You see Jake Coolice and Dani sitting at a table in the dining area, and they're both just kinda sittin’ there, head in hands, looking just kind of— just wiped out. You hear Barclay rustlin’ around in the kitchen but nobody seems to be here. It seems almost like there's a pall cast over the lobby as you enter in. Barclay comes out and hands some tea to Dani and to Jake Coolice, who kinda half heartedly accept it and just sorta set it down on the table without drinking it. So Barclay walks over to the three of you and says:





















Clint: [crosstalk] It— do— [chuckles]





Clint: Do we see Agent Double O Downer anywhere? Is he [crosstalk] out here?

Griffin: No, it's fairly early in the morning. You do not see him and assume he is in his quarters right now asleep.



Griffin: He sighs and looks back at Dani and Jake and he turns back to you and he says:

















Travis: I just wanna apologize to everybody listening, because I accidentally just did Magnus’ character voice there.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Oh yeah, I didn't even notice.

Travis: That probably was very confusing for everyone.

Justin: And for pedantry. Y’know, that’s what really hurts. [Clint chuckles] That’s [Travis: Yeah.] intervening for pedantry.

[Clint continues chuckling]

Griffin: Barclay says,



















Griffin: He sighs again and he says:







Griffin: And he motions towards Mama’s office.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: In we go!

Justin: In we go.

Griffin: And he comes in with tea and he knows your tea preference at this point. He knows you all enough to know how you like it. I can't— I'm not going to make pretend what that is, but just [crosstalk] imagine.

Clint: Arnold Palmer— Arnold Palmer iced tea, that's for me.

Griffin: Okay, he brings you a virgin Arnold?

Clint: Probably.

Justin: It's the only kind there is.

Clint: No, wait, no!

Travis: But an Arnold—

Griffin: It's like fuckin’ seven in the morning.

Travis: An Arnold Palmer is just tea and lemonade, you guys.

Griffin: Oh, I thought—

Clint: Aw, okay. I guess it is a virgin.

Travis: There's no booze in a Arnold Palmer.

Justin: I mean, sometimes there is. Arnold Palmer loves to party.

[Clint and Travis laugh]

Griffin: That's true, yeah.

Justin: [chuckles] Sometimes there is booze in an Arnold.

[Laughter]

Griffin: He walks over to the desk and you all now seated at this large table in the center of the room. He rolls out a big map of Kepler, which I still need to generate. Hey, listeners! If you know of any good software to make a nice lookin’ map of, like—

Travis: It's called a pad of paper, Griffin.

Griffin: Yeah, that's gonna end up lookin’ like reaaaal shit. Um, but he rolls out a map of Kepler and walks over to the desk. And he pops it open and he pulls out Thacker’s very, very old laptop, which he sets up on the desk. And he says:





Griffin: He types all that in and kinda gets frustrated, but then you hear a MacBook error noise and then he clicks it away and keeps typing. And he says:

































[Clint laughs]





[Griffin laughs]







































[Clint laughing]







[laughter]









Griffin: Barclay says,



Griffin: I am saying, as the Keeper of this game, one thing that I want to do more of is have you guys flesh out the world of Kepler. I think that that was sort of one of my original goals when we started playing this game that I have not been an especially great steward of. If this is where y’all want this fight to take place, I think it could be fucking killer, and I think it’s something we should do.





























Griffin: Barclay says,















































Griffin: [pained] The Slurp and Squirt? This is Griffin.

[Justin laughing]

































Clint: [clapping] That was it! H2-Woah! That’s the name of it!

Travis: That’s the one.









Griffin: Barclay says,



Griffin: And he types into the computer and says—

Justin: He has to type http, colon, forward slash, forward slash.

Griffin: He says,











Griffin: Jesus, is this whole episode going to be naming—















[Clint and Griffin laughing]























[Clint laughing]

Griffin: This show has gone wildly off the rails.

























Griffin: He says,











Griffin: Barclay says,















Griffin: Barclay shuts the laptop and he says,















{Amnesty Theme begins to play}

Griffin: I think we’ve definitively proven that’s not true in this episode.

[laughter]

{Amnesty Theme fades out}

Griffin: Ned, you pull up in front of the house of Calvin Owens. Uh, he left his contact information with you all when he came to visit Amnesty Lodge to report the attack at the pool a couple of nights ago. You arrive at his house, it's a nice looking place— it's one of the nicer looking houses down on Riverside. It's not quite as fancy as the austentatious ski chalets up on cliff side, but it's a nice little two story house painted blue. And you pull up in your— what's your car again?

Clint: It's a 1958 Lincoln Continental.

Griffin: Lincoln Continental, yes.

Clint: The Mark III. The— the ragtop.

Griffin: I assume you've gotten the headlight repaired from where you smashed it into the gate in the previous adventure at this point. I don't know if it would be street legal, otherwise.

Clint: Ned has to take care of his baby. So…

Griffin: Yeah, sure. You arrive in front of the house and, uh, what's your approach here?

Clint: Is it near the river?

Griffin: Uh, it is— I don't know, it's about a couple blocks away. You got riverview, but you don't got, like, an attached. There's no pier [Clint: Okay.] or anything.

Clint: Alright, what's my approach gonna be?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Dishonesty.

Travis: Well, yeah.

Clint: Yeah, the—

Travis: Yeah, Ned. I'm not surprised by that at all. You did say you had a plan, right? [crosstalk] Do you still have that plan?

Clint: I do have a plan. My plan is— I have one phase of the plan to convince his parents and one phase of the plan to convince Calvin to participate.

Griffin: Okay. Then you’re walkin’ up and just knocking?

Clint: That's it.

Griffin: Okay, you knock and a few seconds pass and the front door opens and Sheriff Zeke Owens opens the door. [Clint nervously chuckles] And he says:





























Travis: This episode sponsored by [chuckles] Ohio University.

[Justin chuckles]

Griffin: Alright, so, go ahead and roll Manipulate Someone. M’kay.

Clint: So it’s seven plus one for charm. That's eight.

Griffin: That is an eight. They'll do it, but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it. If you ask too much, they'll tell you what, if anything, it would take for them to do it.

Clint: Okay.





Griffin: Yeah, that was a heck of a word. Two things— one, is this a phone that Ned just kind of keeps on him for music and pics, because there’s definitely no service out here; second question, is this just a picture of you and some random dude?

Clint: Yeah. Oh, yeah! [laughing] Yeah. I don’t know Bill Watley, are you out of your mind?

Griffin: Sure. He says,

















Justin: I need to— this scene is going great. I need to take a moment just to talk amongst all of ourselves and the listeners, as a family. If Calvin Owens’ dad agrees to send his precious boy [Travis: Mmhmm] with this elderly man [Travis: Uh huh.] with a huge car—

Clint: [crosstalk] Not elderly!

Travis: [crosstalk] Uh huh.

Justin: —who says he’s gonna film a promotional swimming video of him, Calvin Owens’ dad will be taken to parent court and tried [crosstalk] for the highest crimes

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, I got a solution, I got a fix for this. Okay.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: You see him stand there and kind of think for a minute, like he’s actually trying to think of what the best thing for his kid would be. But he sighs, and he says,







Griffin: And he slams the door in your face. And as you sort of take a step back from the force of the door slamming, there is a tree to the side of the yard, and you hear some rustling in that tree, and you see Calvin Owens scurry off the roof of the house, out of his bedroom window, and down the tree, and he kind of crouch-runs over to your car, where he kind of hides behind it.

Clint: Ok. Ned walks over to him.

Griffin: You both get into the car. He’s kind of trying to duck down, and he’s like,



Clint: So we go, man, go! We pull out and I turn to him, and I say,



















Travis: [sarcastic] You know how easy to drive those 1950s cars made out of steel are.



Travis: It’s so intuitive! This 8-ton vehicle.







{35:02}

Griffin: Aubrey—

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: You are driving in Mama’s old pickup truck with Barclay at the wheel, as you head out to H2-Whoa. You all have left town—

Travis: I’m sorry, H2-Whoa, That Was Fun.

Griffin: H2-Whoa, That Was Fun. You’re on this pine tree-lined road out of the East side of town, winding around Mount Kepler, heading towards the park. You’ve been living at Amnesty Lodge for a couple months now, what’s your relationship like with Barclay, would you say?

Travis: I would say we get along very well! I— not quite to, like, BFFs or anything, but, you know, like a co-worker that you have a lot of fun with, and often would grab a drink after work? That’s it. So if I’m gonna define it, after-work, grab-a-drink friends, not necessarily “call up on your free day to see what they’re doing” friends.

Griffin: Sure. Got it. That makes a lot of sense. Then, I think you’re fairly comfortable in this ride with him. He— you’re getting close, and he kind of breaks the silence of the car, and he says,













Griffin: He says,

























Griffin: He doesn’t really say anything when you ask him that, he kind of like— is just kind of staring straight ahead, he doesn’t even seem to acknowledge you, and he says,



Griffin: And you pull up in front of H2-Woah.

Justin: That Was Fun.

Griffin: Uh, this park is actually a lot nicer than I think you may have assumed it was. Uh, a lot of the other water parks fell prey to the natural forces of decay a lot worse than H2-Woah does. It's actually a fairly nice looking place. This entrance into the park leads through what looks like a big beached pirate ship which stands in front of a six-foot tall blue chain link fence that surrounds the perimeter of the park, keeping the surrounding pines at bay. Through that fence, you can tell that the park is mostly deserted as you would expect from a water park on a weekday in October. Hanging in front of the ship at the entrance is a large red sign announcing that their last weekend in operation is coming up before park closes down for the Winter. It's been a unseasonably warm Fall and the park’s been open much later than normal, but it seems like they're done pushing their luck. You can see a man in a ticket taking booth just inside this ship reading a magazine and you also, through that chain link fence, you notice a handful of other employees wearing blue shirts walking around the park just kind of halfheartedly cleaning up, getting the park ready for its final weekend. And Barclay, still sitting in the truck with you, says:



















Griffin: And he pulls the truck back out onto the access road leading up to the park and just kinda parks it in the grass off the road. And he gets out and the two of you walk up to the entrance to the park and up to the ticket taking booth inside that ship at the entrance. And, from here, you can get a much better look at the park.

[tinny pirate music starts playing]

Griffin: You also hear this really tinny sounding pirate music playing over the loudspeakers positioned throughout the area. And inside that booth there is a man, you'd estimate about twenty five, a bit older than rest of, basically, the teens who are working in the park that you can see through the fence just cleaning up. He's got sort of a ratty mustache goin’ and he seems to take just a lot of pride in his water park work here. And he says— he's wearing a name tag also that says “Todd” on it. And Todd says:







[Justin and Clint chuckle]

Justin: No it's not.

[Clint chuckles]





[Laughter]







[Clint loses it]









Griffin: Why don't you roll Manipulate Someone.

Travis: Oop, that's a seven. A six plus one.

Griffin: Uh, you have one charm?

Travis: Yes.

Griffin: Okay, that is a— barely a mixed success. Uh, as was the case last time, they will do it but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it. If you ask too much, they'll tell you what, if anything, it would take for them to do it, and I think that's gonna be the case here. He says:





Griffin: He takes you to the side and he says:



Griffin: He pulls out his wallet. Um, it's a— like a Velcro— old beaten up Velcro wallet, and he's like:







Travis: And Griffin can't prove otherwise.

[Laughter]

Griffin: You hand Todd the twenty dollars and he says:









Griffin: Uh, let's jump to Duck. Duck, you arrive at the Kepler Public Works, a municipal building just adjacent to city hall. Kepler is a fairly small town, so a lot of the departments that you would expect to see in, sort of, a bigger city's public works are handled remotely by different contractors and local engineers around here. There's really three main offices inside the public works of Kepler. As you enter, there's Transportation, Sanitation, and Water. And you make your way into the latter, and there, in the center of the room, you see a reception desk sort of cutting off the public side room from the offices and stuff behind. And, slumped over that desk, you see Gary Sluper, your old third grade teacher now the, uh— I don't know, employee of the Kepler Public Works Water Department. He is slumped down over the reception desk. He appears to be unconscious.





Griffin: He, uh, he kinda looks like he's, like, talking to you in his sleep.



Griffin: He rouses and has a significant sort of drool tether connecting him to the desk, which he kinda swats away at with his hand. And he looks up you with bleary eyes and he says:





[Clint laughs]





Travis: You don't have to be crazy to work here, y’know what I mean, [crosstalk] but it helps.





Griffin: He wipes his mouth and he says:









[Clint laughs]



[Clint and Travis laugh]





















Griffin: And he pushes back from the reception desk and walks over to a door to his office, which he opens up and, right before he closes the door behind him, he yells:



Griffin: And he shuts the door to his office, and you can see through the frosted glass and he finds a new desk to take a nap on. And from a hallway that turns off behind the reception counter, you see Pigeon Wilson.

Justin: [crosstalk] He—heeeeyyyy!

Travis: [crosstalk] Awwwww…

Griffin: She is wearing a orange vest and her face lights up with delight as she sees you, and she yells:







[Travis laughs]











Griffin: She looks kind of surprised when you say that. She says:





Griffin: She smiles kind of devilishly as you say that and she walks to the reception desk and opens up a book that’s there, and then she thinks for a second and closes that book and she says:







{Amnesty theme plays}

[Money Zone and Jumbotrons, end {59:45}]

{Amnesty theme plays}

Griffin: Let’s jump back to Ned. Ned, what’s your plan here? So we can set up the scene.

Clint: Well, we’re to kind of find the water monster and kind of run it ragged— just kind of drive along, using ourselves as bait, and— uh— I was thinking Route 160/155—

Griffin: Alongside the river?

Clint: Yeah, it has all those scenic overlooks, you know, where people stop to take pictures. So I figure we drive to one, get its attention, try to give everybody else all the time they need.

Griffin: Alright, I like that a lot. So you are on this county road, that runs alongside the Greenbrier River. There’s nobody out right now, the road seems clear as you reach a certain mile marker— no, it wouldn’t be a mile marker, ‘cause you wouldn’t be too far from town, it’s gotta be within the perimeter, but you find a nice stretch of road here in that circle that runs alongside the river. And what do you do to summon the thing? You got Calvin driving the car?

Clint: Yeah, well we’re gonna pull over at the first scenic overlook, and—











Griffin: So you are parked on this scenic overlook. It’s not, I don’t think, up on a cliff. It’s just sort of like, a little— kind of like a picnic area at a rest stop overlooking the river. And Calvin is in the car, back on the road, and he has the engine running as you sort of approach this overlook. What do you do?

Clint: Ned stands right there at the edge overlooking— there’s kind of like a railing, and you can look down at the river— and Ned in his most projecting voice, you know, you gotta bring it from the diaphragm, you gotta project so the back of the house can hear you:



Griffin: Yeah, the water monster gets it.

Travis: I love that, in Ned’s mind, the water monster knows Calvin’s name.

Griffin: No, I think the water monster at the very least hears Ned’s voice. What you see is: there’s some movement sort of naturally on the river, just some ripples as it follows its usual course. Some ripples that have been left, reverberating for a long time, as some barges passed some time ago. But as you start shouting, the water for a moment just stands completely still, completely placid. It is a strange sight to behold. You’ve never seen the Greenbriar stand at silent attention like this.

[Waves On The River starts playing]

Griffin: And then, from down the river back upstream a bit, you see a small wave move, in almost a straight line that spans the entire river, down towards you and past you. And then another wave, larger. And it keeps going like that, larger and larger and larger until there are—

Clint: Does it look like horses?! Does it look like horses made out of water?!

Griffin: No, we’re not doing a Lord of the Rings. It looks like waves on the ocean. Large waves on the ocean that are now starting to reach up above ground level as the water starts to move in waves. And as the larger waves start forming, they start crashing up kind of at your feet, where you are standing at this overlook. What do you do?



Clint: And he jumps back in the car and says:







Griffin: He slams on it. As you are sort of teaching him how to drive a car, you notice the waves stop moving sort of directly downstream and almost start turning, as if their angle of approach is moving now diagonally, crashing onto the ground, still out on that scenic overlook, but onto the ground where you were just standing. And the car rears into drive, and you are now peeling down this road as the waves continue turning until now it seems like they are almost coming from the opposite bank and coming in your direction, getting larger and larger as they go.



Griffin: As you're giving him this monologue, the waves are now moving directly in your direction from the opposite bank. They are splashing further and further up the side of the road that you are driving on and starting to almost reach the road itself. And Calvin says:



Griffin: And a wave comes up, threatening to splash down onto the car, and he veers into the opposite lane before correcting himself and getting back into the right lane of traffic. What do you do?

Clint: I've got the— uh, I'm gonna use the NERF Blaster. I'm gonna shoot the— I'm gonna take the NERF Blaster [crosstalk] and fire it—

Griffin: NARF! It’s NARF, c’mon!

Clint: [crosstalk] NARF! NARF, sorry.

Griffin: [sarcastic] There are lawyers who are listening to every episode we put out.

Clint: I have a Connecticut accent. [Justin snorts] I'm gonna shoot a dart into the water monster. And I realize it's not gonna do any harm, but I just wanna get its attention and, maybe, [Griffin: Sure.] maybe, maybe, maybe slow it down a little bit. Maybe that'll give it something to think about while we get the hell outta here.

Griffin: Um, let's roll to Kick Some Ass. I think this thing is definitely now in- creating large enough waves that it can reach you to also threaten you, so this would be Kick Some Ass roll.

Clint: That is a seven plus zero.

Griffin: Okay, on a seven plus, you and whatever you're fighting inflict harm on eachother. So, describe what you do with your NARF Blaster.

Clint: Well, the tops down on the Lincoln and so I throw my coat back and I've got the NARF Blaster on a, uh, on a thong? No…

Travis: Yes. Yeah, no, that's right.

Clint: It's strapped on! Yeah, I'm strapped, I'm fully NARF-strapped.

Justin: I wanna stick with thong. [giggles]

Clint: Thong, okay, It's on a thong. [Griffin: Okay.] I mean, that kind of follows the whole swimming thing, right?

Justin: There ya go. Just like Michael Phelps, always wears the thong.

Clint: Michael Phelps, wears that— yeah! And, so—

Griffin: With a NERF gun in it, for aerodynamic sakes.

[Justin chuckles]

Clint: So, just— I mean, is the water in front of us, beside us, behind us?

Griffin: It's rolling off the river to your right and its splashing towards you. It's to your right.

Clint: Okay, I'm just gonna, from the hip, shoot from the hip because it'd be kinda hard to miss a giant wave. Just fire off a dart right into the water to see what happens.

Travis: Uh, just a side note for everyone out there, don't Google “thong weapon”. [Clint laughs] You won't be happy with it.

Griffin: Okay, you've never fired this thing before so you whip it around from this strap and hip fire it up into the air, into the pipeline of this wave as it threatens to crash down on you. And you describe what comes out of this weapon.

Clint: Well, it's a— it kind of has this coruscating blue light that kind of surrounds it. It's vaguely NERF dart-shaped and it leaves a little contrail of after-image, like burns in your eyes when you look at something bright. It just fires straight off that way and shoots straight ahead.

Griffin: Coruscating, by the way, means “flashing or sparkling”. So, uh, that's for our friends at home and for me, ‘cuz I just had to Google it. [Clint: Sorry, I—] I think it's like a—

Clint: Increase your word power kinda thing.

Griffin: Sure, I think it's like a phantom NERF dart. Like a— it's in the shape of one with this sparkling trail that follows behind it, and I think it's considerably sized. I think it's a little bit larger than the average NARF dart that you would expect. It shoots up into the side of the pipeline and splits the wave as it hits it, really hitting it with a lot of power. You do two harm to the wave as it [Clint: Woaaahh!] splashes down on you. [crosstalk] Uh, and—

Clint: That Was Fun!

Griffin: ...it splits. I think the way it deals damage is, as it splits, it doesn't crash down immediately in front of your car, but an enormous amount of water deluge splashes down right in front of the car. And, as it does, it kind of floods the road right in front of you and you start to fishtail, and Calvin, not really knowing what to do, kinda jerks the wheel back and forth. And you, because you're kind of in this position to blast this wave, you were not exactly strapped in very, very safely and you bash your head into the [Clint groans] top of the windshield, as the top was down, and take one harm.

Clint: Yikes!

Griffin: The next wave that comes up, it kinda splashes down a little bit further away than the road and then another further even still. And these waves start to recede as you can tell that the water monster has sensed some sort of threat from you and decided to make its escape, as its custom. Calvin pulls over to the side of the road and is kinda panting, is clearly kinda freaked because of what just happened. And he turns the car off and gets out and is kind of just like pacing at the side of the car.









Griffin: And he throws you the keys and he starts walking down the road back into town. Jump back to Aubrey: Aubrey, you are now inside H2-Whoa That Was Fun, and you are— you have ten minutes to scout the area out. The way I kind of have this envisioned, there are a few points of interest I can tell you about, and you tell me what you sort of want to check out with your limited time here. There are a few main water slides toward the back of the park. There’s like a long drop one, a twisting tubes one, there’s one of those funnel ones that kind of drops you out into a funnel that you spin around and drop out the bottom. There is a wave pool towards the center of the park, a fairly large wave pool. There is a splash pad towards the front of the park where kids can come and play in this water that shoots up from the ground. There is a small pool with a swim-up bar. There is towards the back corner of the park a gated-off reservoir that you can see with some sort of machinery back there with it. There is a lazy river that surrounds the perimeter of most of the attractions. There is a gift shop and cafeteria. There is a shallow kiddie pool with some mushroom fountains in it. And there is a main office off to the side of the park near the center.

























Griffin: So you head over to the main office. You walk by a few confused-looking teens working here as you go. Uh, and—



Griffin: Oh, they nod. And then one of them says:





Griffin: A young guy yells:



Justin: Whoa. A lot of deep-seated resentment towards Todd here.





Griffin: And the other one goes:



Justin: How many of them’s are there?

Griffin: There’s only the three that you just heard.

Justin: Okay, got it.

Griffin: And you approach the main office and find it unlocked and enter. The main office is really just one large, empty room. There is a timeclock and a desk with a bunch of paperwork on it to the side of the room as you enter. In the corner, there is a first aid station set up with various supplies to treat burns and bee stings and other water park injuries. On the back wall of the room there is a row of lockers, a dozen or so, including the locker of Todd, which you recognize in the center.

Justin: [grandly] The Locker of Todd!

Griffin: The Toddlocker!

Justin: Fabled Locker of Todd!

Travis: We found it!

Griffin: Now you can also tell, just being in here, there is no what appears to be, like- security camera setup. So you glean that there are no cameras for you to worry about to whenever you do your Hunt here tonight.

Travis: Excellent. Now is this a control room as well? Or is this just for them to come in and then drop off their stuff and then get to work?

Griffin: Yeah, this seems to be a— “drop stuff off and change into your outfits before you start working”. That’s not to say there isn’t stuff to investigate here, though.

Travis: I want to look in Todd’s locker.

Griffin: It’s locked! Todd’s locker is locked. It’s a locker. It’s locked. Like lockers do. You approach it, you try to open it, but the thing doesn’t work because of the lock.

Justin: It’s defined by its ability to lock.

Travis: Oh, no I— Listen, I'm getting it, I'm all over that. Let me see, is the lock in the locker or is it like a padlock that is—

Griffin: Yeah, it's in the locker, it's like one of the little plastic dials like you would have at a locker at school.

Travis: You know what, I'm so sorry Todd, I'm gonna melt the lock.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: There we go.

Griffin: Uh, roll to— I think this would just be Use Magic.

Travis: Yeah, so that's nine… eleven. Nine plus two.

Griffin: Uh, okay, no glitches. What does this look like? I assume you're using some sort of [crosstalk] heat or fire?

Travis: I'm gonna say, yeah, like, as finesse as possible, just, like, one finger to the lock and maybe, if I can help it, just be pulling on it and heat it just enough to pull it open, y'know what I mean?

Griffin: Sure, yeah, no, you stick your finger into the lock beneath the dial and, as you do so, your finger heats up and, slowly but surely, your finger starts to pierce through the lock until you have poked clean through the locker. And you hear a click and the locker door starts to swing open. Inside, you find some—

Travis: Gold! [does the Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare]

Griffin: Two hundred and fifty gold pieces and a magic sword. You find probably some, y’know, raunchy mags. You find—

Travis: Heh, Todd!

Griffin: You find a Pokémon card collection. You find a ring of keys. Uh, that—

Travis: I take that ring of keys, Griffin.

Griffin: Each key seems to be labeled for each of the different attractions around the park, and then you also find towards the back a notepad. And on that notepad is scribbled out the schedule for each of the employees here. You find the current day and on it you find the four employees who are currently at the park, and you find out that the last to punch out is Todd, who leaves at six, at which point the park will be vacated.

Travis: Okay, I'm going to— is this where I can Investigate a Mystery to ask you, the DM, something?

Griffin: Sure, yeah.

Travis: Okay… meh, that's not good.

Griffin: Whenever you fail a roll, I get to take a hard move.

Travis: Oh no.

Griffin: Yeah, so go ahead and mark experience.

Travis: Yes, but Griffin don't you see? I don't want to have failed. [crosstalk] Did you think about it that way?

Justin: [crosstalk] Mmm, interesting.

Griffin: An interesting concept. Uh, you mark exp. You also hear the door to the main office here open up, and you see Todd with one of his nudie magazines rolled up and he's got it kinda in his armpit as he walks in trying to hide it. And he walks into the room and sees you and the raunchy mag falls to the ground dramatically in slow-motion. And he says:





[Justin and Clint laugh]

Griffin: Because this is a hard move, I get to [Travis: Uh huh.] go kind of hard. I think he shakes his head and he says:



Griffin: And he walks over to the desk at the corner of the room and picks up a phone and dials 911.

Travis: Okay, is his back to me?

Griffin: [nervously] Uh, it is. I say, terrified.

Travis: I'm going to—

Griffin: Kill Todd with fire!?

Travis: No! No, just send a little fireball to melt the cord on the phone.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I'm just trying to sever the— I just don't want the cops showing up. That would be bad.

Griffin: Alright, cool.

Travis: So, I rolled an eight plus two, so it's a ten.

Griffin: Are you doing this discreetly, I'm assuming?

Travis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Griffin: Okay, I will say on—

Travis: And I'm trying to aim for the actual panel on the wall, right, so it melts, yeah.

Griffin: Then you just see the cable— I think just a small, very narrow red beam comes out and severes, very quickly, the cable in the blink of an eye and it falls to the ground. And Todd looks kind of confused and walks over to the phone.



Travis: And she leaves still carrying the keys.

Griffin: Okay. You meet up with Barclay back outside of the park, and he says:

















[Clint chuckles]

Griffin: And Duck, let's jump back to you. You are in the break room of the Public Works building with Pigeon and she's produced a nice- well, you know, as nice as a local government building cup of coffee is gonna be, for you and makes one for herself and sits you down at the table with her. There's nobody else in the room, you have some privacy to talk in here. She says:

























Griffin: I want you to roll Manipulate Someone. I'm tempted to—

Justin: With what, Griffin! With [Griffin: Yeah.] hot butter dice? Like, what would be a dumb enough [Griffin: Yeah, I think—] dice to roll?

Griffin: Well, there is mechanic. I'm gonna make you take a minus one forward on this one, because me, as the Keeper, have decided this is the wor— in the almost four years we've been doing “The Adventure Zone”, [Justin laughs] the worst lie I've ever, ever heard.

Travis: [Laughs] But not only worst, but worst, most elaborate lie.

Justin: I used to do a character who was very good at lying. I wanna do one that's very bad.

Griffin: Sure, yeah. Uh, that's—

Justin: Yeah— aaaaahh, damn it. [Laughs] I rolled a five. Maybe my worst roll in the longest—

Griffin: Plus charm, plus charm.

Justin: Plus charm minus one, so that's a five.

Griffin: Alright. [Justin: Full stop.] Mark experience.

Justin: It's an experience. I'm learning something.

Griffin: I get to take a hard move to complicate your life, and I have just the thing in mind. Pigeon says:



[The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Theme by Griffin McElroy plays]