The Adventure Zone: Commitment - Episode 3/Transcript

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Commitment Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

Griffin: Let’s just get into it! Let’s just get on it– [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Roll your ball!

Griffin: –roll that fuckin’ ball!

Clint: Are we...are we good? Should we just charge right in?

Griffin: Let’s just do it! We’re about to fight a big fucking robot unicorn and I’m ready!

Travis: Yeah, if you want to know the “Previously on…” go back and relisten to the episode!

Clint: Good point.

Griffin: Things Remy has done since he got superpowers: Jumped into a wall, and then solved a-a riddle from a big St. Peter. Things he has not done: Jumped and fought. It’s time. It is now.

Justin: I would appreciate, uh, reminding us of what we’re doing.

Travis: No, we’re fighting a unicorn and a robot or whatever, let’s goooo!

Clint: I’ll make it very simple. You’re in a field of lilies of the valley, the-the golden road has kinda fallen into disrepair. Right ahead of you is this thick line of trees. A robot Salome has come in riding on a unicorn. She jumps off the unicorn, she drops John the Baptist’s head – ah, I forgot to put John the Baptist’s head on the–

Travis: [crosstalk] No, but let’s just say, Dad,–

Clint: [crosstalk] –the map.

Travis: –your map game is–

Griffin: [crosstalk] It’s improving! You’re gonna be-

Travis: [crosstalk] And I just want to say, I love how you see all the little flowers everywhere, Dad has added some more appropriate, like, fanart versions of us as the icons–

Griffin: There’s no inanimate– there’s no inanimate objects representing living human beings, which is very exciting.

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, but then right up there in the top right-hand corner, is–

Clint: No, no, no, no! Don’t give it away!

Travis: Wha-

Justin: What are you talking about, don’t give it away? You’re showing us!

Travis: [cross talk] It’s there on the– it’s the stuff of nightmares! We’ll get to it, guess.

Clint: We’ll get to it. As a matter of fact, it’s coming right now.

Justin: Ok.

Clint: Ok, so, I told you the unicorn, this giant robot unicorn, has charged forward after, uh, Ditto challenged me on the biblical authenticity of unicorns.

Travis: That was in character.

Griffin: No, that was–

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh, that’s right.

Griffin: No, that was me. I didn’t know.

Clint: Oh, ok. So this Salome robot starts to dance–

Travis: [crosstalk] Salome!

Clint: But it’s really kind of weird. Uh, it’s kind of like, herky-jerky, like somebody doing the robot, which [laughing] I guess is appropriate! Um, but as she dances, as she spins, a couple of the veils that are wrapped around her start to unwind from her body.

Travis: Gross.

Clint: Now these are very specific, they are called rumals, and they’re a weapon, they’re weighted at the end. And she spins faster and faster. So the unicorn is charging on you, and just then, you hear this high pitched buzzing sound coming from the trees, and John the Baptist’s head pops– pipes up, and says:



Griffin: Oh god, they just moved! They moved! [yelling and some laughter]

Clint: Do you need cherubim?

Griffin: Sorry, Dad has chosen the scariest possible sort of iconography for the cherubim on this map, and he–

Travis: It looks like if weeping angels had babies.

Griffin: And he moved them and it gave me a terrible fright.

Clint: Three incredibly adorable baby angels–

Travis: [crosstalk] No! No!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Wrong. Incorrect.

Clint: –come flying out of the trees, each with adorable little flaming swords, which I couldn’t find on the icons, so I–

Travis: Are they like, scale sized the size of like cocktail swords, or a little bit bigger?

Clint: Aw, that would be awful cute, wouldn’t it?

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Well these are, these are shaped in the size of real babies, so. And, uh, the unicorn starts making a bee-line for Kardala, the cherubim zoom towards Nadiya, and Salome launches her first rumal straight at Remy. So, I would like you–

Travis: Cherubims! Why did it have to be cherubims? [someone snorts with laughter]

Clint: Alright, I need you guys to roll to determine who’s going to go first. So what we’ll do is, roll your Fate die, and add your, uh, athletics bonus to it so I can decide who goes– so we can decide who goes first.

Griffin: Uh, I have, uh, plus 5.

Travis: I rolled a 2, plus 1, a 3.

Justin: Yeah, I’ll, uh, go ahead and add a 1, so I got a 1.

Clint: Remy’s going to go first.

Griffin: I turn to the other two and I say,



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: And I grab the rumal as they’re coming at me, and I want to try to trip the unicorn. Like, they’re long strips of fabric, right? With– with weighted–

Clint: Yeah. But they’re like, this really high-tech mesh–

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: –they’ll stretch, but they’re not gonna tear or break.

Griffin: Well I mean if they’re flying at me, I just wanna grab them out of the air and then try to like, uh, clothesline the unicorn as it’s coming, like, get it under the legs and knock it down. Try to interrupt its charge.

Clint: All right.

Griffin: What would that be?

Clint: All right. Well, you tell me, what do you want to use? Tell me, [crosstalk] are you gonna grab the rumal?

Griffin: [crosstalk] I think– yeah, I think because it’s like a ranged attack and I’m trying to interrupt it, I feel like athletics would be...cause I don’t see anything else, really– maybe physique, but that’s more like a feat of strength, this is more of a feat of, like, coordination. [crosstalk] Yeah. So...

Clint: [crosstalk] Ok. All right.

Griffin: Well, that’s not going to be good. So that is a 2.

Clint: Ok. [crosstalk] And so Salome–

Travis: [crosstalk] And you’re rolling– just to be clear, rolled a negative 2, plus 4...

Griffin: [crosstalk] Plus 4 is, yeah, and I don’t think I’m going to add anything to it, cause this is not, uh, “anything requiring leaping, balancing, or otherwise demonstrating your agility”.

Clint: I think because of the accuracy of her throw, I think, uh, I think the rumal actually impacts you. [Griffin groans] The weighted part of the rumal hits you–

Griffin: [crosstalk] I fucking– I see them coming and I, like, [clapping sound] clap my hands together and put up like a catcher’s stance, and they just fucking level me.

Clint: Oh, yeah! I like that! But you caught it, uh, and you went down. [crosstalk] All right?

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ok. I take a– I take a stress, I imagine.

Clint: Yeah, you take 1 stress.

Travis: Ok, so we haven’t dealt with this yet. In Fate, um, when you take hits, you have, like, um, so– say you take 1 point of dam– 1 point of stress, is what it’s called.

Griffin: Basically you have hit points in the form of stress, and if you take too many of those you get a consequence, and consequences are aspects that Dad can invoke and they can be something like broken rib, or a bloody nose, or concussion, or something like that. And...yeah. [crosstalk]

Clint: So you–



Clint: Who– who’s going next? I’m going to let you pick who goes next.

Griffin: Oh, that’s right! So this is the best thing, we learned about this in the demo session we did, [Clint: Right.] combat order is, you– you pick who goes next, but you, if I just pick, you know, Justin, and then Justin picks Travis, then the enemy gets to go, what, three times in a row, which could be bad.

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh, I feel like Salome would go next.

Clint: Ok. Well, I think that, uh, what she does is she, uh, lets go of that, uh, rumal, and, uh, spins again. She’s got another one unwinding. [Griffin: Aw, man.] She’s sending it back towards you again.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Shit, I’m already hurting.

Clint: [crosstalk] Um, this time the, uh, the weight at the end of the rumal has a small blade on it.

Griffin: Aw, that’s mean.

Clint: She throws that bladed rumal at you, and she got a negative 3.

Griffin: Oh.

Clint: So combined with that–

Travis: [crosstalk] So it accidentally gives you a really great haircut.

Clint: It goes [laughs] [Griffin: Well.] it goes sailing– it goes sailing right over your prone form and maybe snips off a little bit of your hair.

Travis: But in a good way! No, but in a good way! ([Griffin]: Oohh!) That’s even better than before.

Griffin: Ok, fantastic.

Clint: I’m going to have, uh, Nadiya go next.

Travis: Great. I’m going to uh, turn my right hand into a whip, and attempt to clip one of, uh, whichever one’s closest to me’s wings.

Clint: It would be...this one, right here.

Travis: Yeah, the– yeah, ok. You don’t have to– please don’t move it.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: It’s very, very upsetting.

Travis: Uh, so–

Griffin: Jesus, what’s with the negative 2’s? The negative 2 squad’s here!

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, well, so, the idea is like, [makes a whipping sound] rrrrpsh! You know, try to clip the, the end of one wing, try to like, shear off, so that it’s like flying all wonky. Um, that’s a will attack. Uh...doot doot doot doot doo…[dissatisfied] Hmm. Now, I want everyone to know, I could make a solid case here for why aerodynamics are science-based, but we don’t have time for that.

Griffin: Well, is there anything you can do? I mean, you got a bad roll–

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, I– I have–

Griffin: [crosstalk] You can, uh, use one of your Aspects.

Travis: Yeah, with human polymer it’s, uh, will plus 2 for the attack, so it’s a 3.

Clint: I would say that, that smacks into the cherubim’s left wing, and it starts fluttering in kind of a weird way, so the cherubim kinda– he hasn’t gone down yet, it’s still functioning, but he kind of flies off to the side and flies back a little bit out of the way.

Travis: ‘Kay. I’m gonna put down cherubim one, aspect: wonky wing.

Clint: Ok. Who goes next, Nadiya?

Travis: Um, I’m gonna let Kar– no, the u– no, oh god, choices. Unicorn.

Clint: Well, the unicorn’s just gonna charge right at Kardala.



Clint: Now, it is not using its horn. It’s just gonna use–

Travis: It’s using its butt!

Clint: It’s just going to use the impact of running into Kardala to drive Kardala back. [sound of dice being rolled]

Justin: So if you’re attacking, then I get to oppose you [Clint: Right.] with my fight skill. That is a 1, plus–

Griffin: [crosstalk] The first positives of the game.

Justin: 4, that’s a 5.

Clint: The unicorn also rolled a 5.

Griffin: So on a tie, the attack misses, but the attacker gets a boost that they can invoke next time, basically.

Clint: Ok, so the unicorn goes thundering over the turf, slams into Kardala, but she had had time to brace herself, and doesn’t move.

Justin: [crosstalk] All right.

Griffin: [crosstalk] What is the unicorn’s boost? It needs like an aspect that it can invoke next time for free if it wants to. Like very angry, or charging, or, I guess, I don’t know, it could be anything.

Clint:  I think that it would, it, maybe it, uh, it now knows a little bit more about Kardala and knows brute force isn’t going to work, how’s that for a boost?

Griffin: Yeah, that’s good.

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: [crosstalk] Understanding.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ok, inf– informed.

Clint: Alright, I say Kardala goes next.



Justin: And, uh, I’m gonna grab its horn and tear it off [Travis: Oh, snapple.] which, I guess would be...fight?

Griffin: I think that might be physique. [crosstalk] Cause you’re just doing a–

Travis: [crosstalk] I think that might be mean!

Griffin: It’s very– definitely mean, but it’s a feat of strength, and not really an attack, right?

Justin: Um, yeah we can call it physique, because it– I guess– I wouldn’t necessarily be fighting, technically.

Clint: So you got a plus 1?

Justin: Yes.

Clint: [chuckles] Okay. The unicorn has a minus 2 [Travis: Yaaaaay!] So describe it.

Justin: Uh, so Kardala grabs the horn and, uh… sort of like, spins while grabbing the horn, and just like, rips it off. It is, uh, just obvious, like raw strength. Um, and it is clear she is also enjoying herself very much. [Travis laughs]

Clint: All right. Um–

Travis: And everyone kind of stops and goes, damn, whoa. {12:36}

Justin: What happens r.e. the unicorn? Like, when the horn is removed?

Travis: It weeps.

Clint: Uh, it, sparks shoot out of its nose [Justin: Cool.] uh, and it shakes its head violently back and forth and it kinda stumbles a couple of steps away, but it hasn't stopped, it hasn't shut down completely. Um, okay, so, the cherubim are next. But before the cherubim move, John the Baptist's head says,



Travis: Huh?



Clint: And the two cherubim that are not, uh, not messed up go flying straight at Kardala. They're gonna attack–



Clint: They're gonna– I'm sorry, Nadiya, I apologize.



Clint: I'm sorry. They fly right at Nadiya and wield their flaming swords. A +3 overall.

Griffin: Ahh, Jesus!

Travis: Uuuhhhhhm? Sooo, that's a oone. I'm gonna invoke Rapid Analytical Mind, um, to give me the opportunity to jump out of the way. How about that? My reflexes are heightened because of my rapid analytical mind.

Clint: Okay, I like that.

Justin: Wait, can you just invoke–

Griffin: [crosstalk] You wouldn't just do it. [crosstalk]

Travis: So, well no, so that would be a plus 2, right? So then that would give me 3.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: And the cherubim I think– I said had a 2?

Justin: Mmhmm.

Clint: So, describe it.

Travis: Um, so the cherubim start heading in and Nadiya begins to form her left hand into a shield, and then realizes it's not going to finish in time, and processes the information quickly enough to instead kind of just throw herself to the right.

Clint: And the flaming swords go whistling through the air and miss Nadiya completely.

Griffin: So spend a Fate point, Trav.

Travis: Yes.

Clint: We're back to Remy.

Griffin: Alright. I feel like– so the cherubim are still flying up in the air?

Clint: Yep.

Griffin: Okay, I turn to Nadiya and I say,



Travis: Wait, that's not her voice at all. [laughter]

???: (In a high pitched voice) You got it! [crosstalk]

Travis: (In a high pitched voice) You got it, mister!

Griffin: (In a messed up British accent) YEah, absolutely! (In a normal voice) Uh, alright. [a lot of crosstalk] (not really sure what they're saying)



Griffin: I start running towards the, uh, the babies, and– We haven't established what my hands can do yet, right?

Clint: That's right.

Griffin: I think I just wanna–

Travis: [crosstalk] Well, they can grab things, they can wave…

Griffin: No, I've watched Sesame Street, I know what's up. I wanna jump up and just try to, uh, just like, I guess punch one of the robot babies in midair. And just kind of [Clint: Awwww!] see what happens. They have flaming swords, I dunno– Is there something else I could do? Hm.

Clint: No!

Travis: No, punch the babies.

Clint: [crosstalk] You haven't done this–

Travis: By all means, punch a baby.

Clint: Let's see it.

Griffin: Alright, yeah, I'm just gonna do it. And then I imagine there's some sort of energy around my hand when I go in for this attack, right?

Clint: Okay, yeah, like Ironfist.

Griffin: Uh, I don’t know that I need to roll for the jump because my basic super agility lets me jump like two stories high.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: And, so, let’s just roll for fight.

Travis: Let’s hear it for a positive number!

Griffin: Ay a zero! That ain’t nothing, but I have a three in fight and a power called basic natural weapon. You have some sort of built-in weaponry which gives you +2 to fight when brawling unarmed in close quarters. So that's a five.

Clint: And you wanna be punching the one that was already kinda beat up?

Griffin: Nah, I think I'd punch a fresh one, right?

Clint: Okay. Punch a fresh one, where do you punch 'im?

Griffin: In the baby? It's not a lot. And it's– I'm really uncomfortable with how much we're talking about punching a robot baby.

Clint: It's gotta be– what, head? Body? What're you doing?

Griffin: I mean body I guess.

Clint: Okay, right in the gut. [Justin giggling] And when you do, there's this gigantic explosion of sparks.

Griffin: Can I establish something else? ‘Cause we've kind of talked about what this power is. I feel like my fists just have the same sort of kinetic power that powers my jumps? And so I feel like the baby would just go blasting off into the sun, almost. Like it would, it's like I made it jump very very far away when I punched it.

Clint: Alright, bash it then. Boom!

Griffin: Yeah, I think it's fun to make things explode, but I think it's very fun to make things go like flying away. Yeah, okay.

Clint: It goes flying away, into the woods.

Griffin: Alright.

Clint: (singing) Into the woods, into– okay. Alright, so, Salome takes advantage of this situation. She has another rumal that's been spinning, she has another one that's spinning



Clint: and when Remy goes sailing past, she throws the rumal in his direction. Salome's not trying to hit you with the rumal this time. She throws it to make it wrap around your arms and legs.

Griffin: Alright, I get to evade this though, right?

Clint: Right.

Griffin: I'm really good at this, so. [rolls] Jesus. PLEASUS. Alright, that's a minus 2 but I have plus 4 and an additional plus 2 to avoid dodging– to avoid ranged attacks, so, uh, I guess that's a 4 total.

Clint: Well, she has a 6 total.

Griffin: Beans.

Clint: The rumal wraps around Remy, pinning his arms to his sides, and pinning his legs so they can't move. As soon as he comes to the ground, he hits the ground really hard, which kinda stuns him. Salome jumps on the unicorn and, dragging Remy behind her, goes plowing back up into the trees.

Clint: And almost as soon as she's out of sight, the two remaining cherubim collapse to the ground, Nadiya's powers fade [Griffin: Oh, shit.] and Kardala turns back into Irene.



Justin: Okay, yadda yadda yadda, we don't actually need to recap the events of the last–

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, and then the propeller spins–

Justin: Yeah, right, the red line crosses the Atlantic, and [Travis: Yeah.] the–



Griffin: You can probably follow the sound of my yelling. Cuz I'm definitely, definitely yelling.

Travis: I'm gonna do– investigate roll to like, follow the path and the yelling and stuff?

Clint: Alright.

Travis: NOPE. That's a negative 3!

Griffin: Ohh my god.

Clint: [crosstalk] Okay.

Travis: [crosstalk] My investigate is plus 3, so I'm like, "Who's Remy?"

Griffin: It's good that this is gonna be such a short arc, because we're all gonna die.

Clint: So what happens is, uh, Remy's shouts fade in the denseness of the trees, but you kinda already know the direction to go in.

Travis: Oh wait, I have an idea! I shall use... Science! And reprogram one of the cherubim to lead us there!

Justin: Okay...

Travis: Okay, well that's a negative 2, but my Science is 4 so I get a 2. To cherubim reprogramming.

Clint: The lil cherubim's eyes open up, and he says, Cherubim: I wuv woo!

Justin: Oh god.

Travis: [crosstalk] Alright.

Clint: And then he stops. Alright, change of scene real quick, before you guys move.

Griffin: Well– how– hey, can I ask how's Remy doin??

Clint: That's where we're going right now.

Griffin: Alright, good.

Clint: We now go to…

Travis: Oh, goodness gracious.

Clint: The next scene. Basically it's a giant recreation of an ancient tabernacle. It's overgrown with weeds, there's whole chunks of plaster that've fallen away, to kinda reveal the infrastructure. There's this big arena in the middle of it, with four entryways from the four points of the compass. And standing up on a raised area at the very northern part of this, stands Mary. She's got a head full of curly red hair, it's tangled and matted, just not very much hair maintenance there going at all. She's still wearing her Fellowship vest, but the rest of her clothes are torn, and dirty.

Travis: Aw man, that's right, our vests were supposed to give us plus to defense. Aww beans.

Griffin: Well, I think they're bulletproof, but anyway.

Clint: And Salome and the unicorn, once they got here. Remy lays in the middle of all that, on the ground in that arena thing, still bound by the rumal. But once they got to a certain point, the unicorn and Salome– I guess it's just a horse now, it's not a unicorn anymore [Justin: Yeah.] The horse and Salome–

Travis: [crosstalk] Well, I mean, it's still genetically a unicorn. You know what I mean? Like–

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Justin: The horn does not make the unicorn, Dad.

Travis: Right.

Clint: That's a good point. Mary looks down at you and says, um,

Griffin: Can I roll Empathy, to try to literally empathize with her right now?

Clint: Yeah. [crosstalk] Yeah.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay. Ah! Yes! [laughter] I rolled a 2 [Justin: Griffin rolled a 2], and I have a +2 in Empathy, and I’m like,



Griffin: I’m just trying to like, use empathy to like, get her to stop attacking us with robots all the time.



[Travis laughs]



Clint: Just then, Mary and Remy both feel that surge of warmth going through them. And Mary says,



Clint: And we cut back to Nadiya and Kardala.

{26:52}

Griffin: Did Irene— hold on did Irene just turn back into Kardala as soon as that warmth…?

Clint: Not yet. Cutting to that moment when the power is surging through them so she’s still Irene for now.



Griffin: [in background] Hah.



[Clint laughing]



Griffin: I’m gonna roll empathy against that just to make sure they’re not lying.

Clint: Yeah, do it.

Griffin: That’s a four.

Travis: You rolled a two, plus two-

Griffin: I rolled a two plus two, that’s four

Clint: One, two-

Travis: Buckle my shoe.

Clint: So that’s a five. (crosstalk)

Travis: You’ll never know.

Griffin: Okay.



Clint: So, you guys grumble about a little bit because you would probably like to have a little break. You go down the elevator to the fifth floor, and you walk into a large, dark room. And there’s like one light in this room, and it’s shining down on a man sitting in a large stone chair in the back of the- well, I say sitting. He’s kinda lounging on it. Very nonchalant. He’s got one leg draped over one of the arms, he’s leaning back on the other arm, and he’s kinda in silhouette, you can’t really make him out. But, he starts to slowclap. And he says, uh:



Travis: It’s probably Benjamin Franklin.

Griffin: Is it Benny Franks?



[End music fades in]



[End theme music]