Ep. 9: Moonlighting - Chapter Three

"What if the game is real life, and everything else is just a game? Think about it... the Adventure Zone!"

Synopsis
''Having passed the Bureau of Balance's punishing test of initiation, our heroes stock up on supplies and learn abilities that will help them immeasurably in the future. Merle finds a new god. Taako has a difficult encounter with a coin slot. Magnus advocates for moon-dogs.''

It's a little like the end of Star Wars Episode 4
The gang walks into the chamber to great applause. Everyone is very impressed about the initiation test. The three of them approach the dais, where the Director is giving them a golf clap. The three of them are fully forged members of the order.

Bracers of Balance
Davenport, the gnome butler, walks out with three bracers of various sizes. They discuss arm stink. The pure silver bracers with the BoB rune get clasped on, and the clasps disappear, leaving just a flawless piece of silver.

The Director gives them their job descriptions as Reclaimers, and discusses compensation. She mentions that some are more excited about acquiring power than valuables, which Merle scoffs at. Taako is into power, calling money a fool's game, and Magnus just wants a dog. The Director explains that there's a No Dogs on the Moon policy, because dogs just run right off the goddamn thing. Magnus insists he wouldn't let the dog commit suicide, but the Director is firm.

In addition to monetary rewards, the Director explains, the BoB has a system in place for awarding people a measure of power. The strictures of the BoB prohibits them from granting each other magic items, but they have a method of using luck to grant magical items -- like a signing bonus.

Davenport presents the three with three large, copper, intricately printed tokens. Before they head off to the Fantasy Gashapon, however, the Director answers some final questions:
 * The bracer summons the big glass cannonball and allows the BoB to know where the wearers are at all time.
 * The BoB's health plan is: Don't Die.
 * The Director assures them that they'll be made aware of any other members of the BoB when out in the world.
 * They'll navigate around the world by being shot out of a cannon (it's actually quite pleasant).
 * Taako asks if there's a "bad BoB." The Director introduces the concept of Red Robes, the rogue wizards who created the Grand Relics. The Director asks the gang to detain any Red Robes they come across so the BoB can gain any knowledge of them.

Antagonizing Leon
The gang heads into the Artificer's chamber, where they find the Fantasy Gashapon and Leon the Artificer. He explains that nobody can give them any magical items, but they can use chance to gain them for themselves.

Leon tells Taako about his umbrella. It's actually an Umbra Staff, created by the Umbra Wizards, that is capable of consuming the wands of lesser wizards that it has bested in combat.

Merle successfully completes the Gashapon puzzle. He gets the True Heart Clasp, an earring, that helps in insight checks.

Taako eventually completes the Gashapon puzzle, but not without some real trouble first. He eventually gets the Ring of Frost, which can chill any beverage, and halves any frost damage.

Magnus goes, and gets Railsplitter, a lumberjack's axe that can cut down a tree (note: a tree, a living tree, not just wood, Magnus) in a single blow.

Fantasy Costco, Where All Your Dreams Come True (Got A Deal For You)
The gang heads to Fantasy Costco to comparison shop on some fruit leather and level up.
 * Magnus buys the Phantom Fist and the Stones of Farspeech.
 * Taako buys the Ring of Pointing, the Fantasy Olive Garden Unlimited Pasta Pass, and the Wand of Switcheroo.
 * Merle gets the Scuttle Buddy and the Extreme Teen Bible. There's some haggling involved.

And then the gang levels up
The end!
 * GRIFFIN: So that’s where you guys are at, and now you’re ready for the next stage of the adventure. Uh… join us next time on The Adventure Zone, where we don’t do precise stat calculations for a half hour, I promise.

The Money Zone
Sponsored by Illustratian: Visit http://illustratian.com/commish and follow Illustratian on twitter and instagram for a chance to win a full-body portrait giveaway.

Featured NPCs

 * The Director
 * Davenport
 * Leon the Artificer

Featured Locations

 * Bureau of Balance
 * Fantasy Costco

See Ep. 49

 * TRAVIS: And I’m high-fiving him with the robot’s arms, and everyone’s kind of laughing at it, but also a little horrified.
 * GRIFFIN: Yeah, they allowed you to keep that as a little, uh, a little trophy for your, uh, accomplishment.
 * TRAVIS: If you don’t think I’m writing that down and using it in a battle with a giant spider later, you are wrong.
 * GRIFFIN: Yeah, you’ll- yeah, you’ll do any dumb shit.

Maybe the real Grand Relic was the friends we made along the way

 * TAAKO: Excuse me, I have a question.
 * DIRECTOR: Yes, yes.
 * TAAKO: Was the seventh object love the whole time? Because I’d like to know that upfront. I can’t- I can’t run around for forty episodes and at the end find out that the seventh object was love. So I’m gonna ask upfront if the seventh object is love.
 * DIRECTOR: We don’t have enough--it would be, um, irresponsible for me to confirm or deny that right now. Uh, we don’t have enough intel to confirm--
 * TAAKO: I knew it. Heads up, guys! The seventh object is love!
 * DIRECTOR: We can’t confirm or deny if the magic was inside you all along.
 * TAAKO: It was inside us the whole time, guys. That’s the thing.
 * MAGNUS: Okay, just blink twice if the seventh object is love.
 * TAAKO: What I’m saying is once we get six, let’s head back here and just chill.

Idiot wizard or Leon's antagonist?

 * LEON: Pop that bad boy in there.
 * TAAKO: I have a coin.
 * LEON: Yes, just go ahead and put it right--put it right in the machine, and let’s see! I can’t wait.
 * JUSTIN: I hand him my coin.
 * LEON: Okay, but you have to--you have to put it in the machine yourself.
 * MERLE: You have to crank yourself.
 * LEON: Because there’s a whole like, fate and chance and, like, divine intervention thing that I set up for you, so--
 * TAAKO: Where’s the coin go?
 * LEON: Into the... coin-shaped hole...
 * TAAKO: Excellent.
 * LEON: On the front of the machine.
 * TAAKO: Good news, I’ve solved your puzzle.