The Adventure Zone: Commitment - Episode 2/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

[Theme music (The Adventure Zone: Commitment Theme by Griffin McElroy) plays]

Clint: Welcome back! I am Clint McElroy, your uhh, DM. Your GM. Which is it? GM?

Justin: GM.

Clint: I’m your M. And uh, this is–

Griffin: You’re my – You’re just my Master? That’s no good.

Travis: Nooooo.

Clint: [crosstalk] I am the master!

Justin: [crosstalk] Game master.

Clint: Are you ready to play? Are you ready to jump in on this?

Justin: Hellllll yeah I am, Dad. I’m clipping, though, so let me fix that.

Griffin: He’s not ready to play, ‘cause he’s clipping.

Justin: Okay, now I’m not clipping, and I’m ready to play.

Clint: Alright!

Travis: I was thinking about— and we’ve never done this before but I was thinking about— we should start this episode like this:



Travis: Right, so then it, like, picks up—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah, picks right up, people love that shit.

Justin: I’ve never done that.

Travis: I’m gonna work real hard, by the way to try to come up with a character voice. We’re gonna see how I do.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: I actually– this is like a really super weird coincidence, but I looked it up, and I did a lot of research on it, and it turns out that Remy sounds exactly like I do. [Justin: It’s just so…] It’s like really, very very strange.

Justin: It’s just so difficult to tell when it’s you and when it’s Remy. [Griffin: Well, if I–] It’s a challenge–

Griffin: Well, if I talk about jumping very high or being on Ninja Warrior, you can assume that that is me embodying Remy, in that moment.

Justin: That’s fine.

Griffin: Because I’ve never been on Ninja Warrior and my jumps are pathetic.

Justin: What– what–

Clint: And if you talk about spilling coffee on your computer, we’ll know it’s you, Griffin.

Griffin: Oh my god, it’s everywhere. It got in every hole. Every crack, every plug, every crevice.

Travis: But tell us about what got on the computer. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: Jesus.

Justin: Okay, um. Uh, so let’s do like a smash cut okay? I’ll just kick it off okay, smash cut.

{2:17}



[Travis laughs]



Justin: That’s not a very good end of a podcast episode though, to be honest. [various murmurs of agreement]

Griffin: Remy stands there kinda quietly and contemplatively for a while, and he says



Travis: [timeskip noise]

[laughter]

Griffin: Didn’t we just do this–

Clint: It’s tomorrow morning.

Griffin: Okay. [laughter]

Clint: You are in the medical wing of the Humanities division of the ‘Berg.

Travis: Well, are we? Because according to the Roll20 map I’m looking at we are trapped in some kind of demonic hellscape that is Dad’s imagination.

Griffin [crosstalk]: Holy god, Dad is— I’m looking at this map and, again, Justin’s gonna post hopefully all these to the twitter account.

Justin: I don’t even think I could get how good it is [Griffin: Yeah.] in a screenshot.

Griffin: I think Dad might be—

Justin: Can you zoom out so you can get, like, the full scope—

Griffin [crosstalk]: Yeah yeah, there’s a [Justin: Aww, there we go.] slider there—

Justin [crosstalk]: Okay, okay.

Griffin [crosstalk]: So capture the whole thing–

Griffin: Because it’s important, because these are clues ‘cause I think our dad’s the fucking Zodiac Killer.

Travis: Uh huh, uh huh. [Justin cracks up]

Justin: I need to make— okay, I can’t make the little icons smaller. I’ll try to get as much of the good stuff as I can, ‘cause it’s like…it’s all so buck–wild.

Griffin: There’s some, I think, objects from Half–Life in here, there’s a—

Travis: My favorite is, to really sell the ‘it’s a science room’; there’s just a periodic table of elements. Uh, just hanging around.

Justin: I like–

Clint: That’s a character!

Travis: Oh! Justin [crosstalk]: It’s a char– that’s a character.

Griffin: It’s– It’s–

Justin: It’s me, Perdy! [pronounced peer–dee]

Griffin: It’s Table–O. [laughter]

Clint: No! That’s Joe, your buddy Joe, remember?

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [as Joe] My name is Joe, I’m a periodic table of elements that came to life.

Clint: [crosstalk]: He’s a scientist!

Justin: I’m a scien– well, of course!

Travis: A witch kissed me and trapped me in this table of elements!

Justin: If the periodic table of elements did come to life, it would be a scientist. I think we can all agree on that.

Griffin: [as Joe] I wanna teach you kids all about the noble gases.

Griffin: Um, alright, so... sorry.

{5:35}

Clint: You step into the installation…installation. Um, this room is bisected into two halves with, uh— by a large thick transparent wall. On the left side is like a big pumping device, and Grace is standing there prepping that machine. On the right side are these large tanks. Joe, or the periodical table, is standing there prepping it. In the middle of the wall is a large, impressive–looking metallic door. But the room that you’re in when you first walk in is kind of dominated, there’s a circular table right in the middle of the room, on this half of the room.

Travis: And is that also a character? Are all tables characters, or just some of them?

Clint: No, no. But the computer bank…standing there is Potts.

Griffin: See? Your [laughter] your iconography, the rules of it are so– I don’t know what is object and what is person. But I love it.

Clint: Well, Potts is over IT—

Griffin: I gotcha, I gotcha.

Justin: So he’s a computer?

Griffin: I would know that keyboard anywhere.

Clint: So as you step in, Joe greets you



Clint: Now it’s totally up to you guys. Uh, you can either be naked under the robes or you can have on, like, little Speedo things.

Griffin: Uhhhhh okay.

Justin: O–kay.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Kind of a…weird energy.

Travis: [crosstalk] I’m gonna go with not naked. Not naked, thank you very much.

Justin: Yeah, not naked, kind of a weird vibe–

Griffin: Kind of a weird vibe, that you’ve just told us to dress to our comfort, Dad. [Clint: Yeah, that’s it.] Still your sons, I know you’re having fun in your fantasy world but—

Clint: It’s just like the spa. Dress down to your own comfort.

Travis: Except not. It’s like if you walked into work, and the boss was like “Okay, cool. Do you want to be naked or what?” [chuckle]

Griffin: Um, yeah, I’ll just wear my underwear, thank you.

Travis: Yeah.

Clint: Okay. So you, uh, they open the great big impressive metallic hatch and you step into the other half of the room.



Clint: It’s from Ikea.

Griffin: We love our big metallic hatches here on the Adventure Zone.

Clint: Uh, over on the left side there are machines on the corresponding sides of the big clear wall. There’s some intake fans and…what else, outgive fans? What’s the opposite of intake?

Griffin: Output?

Justin: Outtake?

Griffin: Output?

Clint: Okay, they got outtake fans in front of the pumping thing on the other side of the—

Travis: No, outtake fans are the people who watch America’s Funniest Home Videos. [laughter]

Justin: Woof. [Griffin: Yipes.] Woof.

Clint: And there are great big cylinders on the other side of the machine where Joe had been. But the room is dominated by three pads, three circular pads on the floor that look like they’re like covered with a kind of mesh, a very fine mesh. And over each one of those pads is an array of metallic arms with a nozzle at the end of each one. And that is directly over those pads. Um, Grace hands you a, uh, kind of skullcap thing to place over your heads, and there are earbuds in the skullcap. Also, a pair of goggles each and a respirator with a built in microphone.

Griffin: I ask Grace



Travis: Nadiya's already done, Nadiya’s already on there, skullcap, all of it.



Travis: [horrible strained grunting sound]



Clint: And then Grace steps through the metal portal, and closes it behind her.



Travis: Nadiya points to the headphones and the respirator and kinda shrugs like, mm, sorry.

[Clint laughing]



Travis: Mm, points at the headphones, mm, ahh.



Travis: Nadiya’s eyes narrow. [Clint wheezes]



Travis: Nadiya’s kinda shaking. [chuckles]



[Clint laughs]



Clint: Okay, your earbuds crackle and you hear the voice—

Travis and Griffin: Ahh! [Griffin laughs]



Clint: And then Joe’s voice cuts in and says,


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: It’s all about branding, you know what I mean. [
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Sure.] It’s like, they’re not gonna call it “skin cocoon”, call it [
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Alright.] Skinthetics, or whatever.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: This, this–}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: It’s all about branding, you know what I mean. [
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Sure.] It’s like, they’re not gonna call it “skin cocoon”, call it [
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Alright.] Skinthetics, or whatever.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: This, this–}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Alright.] Skinthetics, or whatever.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: This, this–}}

{13:54}

Clint: So the Skinthetics start to spray out of the nozzles.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: I'm a hungry lil’ caterpillar, let's do it!}}

Clint: And it's covering you all. And so Potts says,


 * {{NPC|Potts: Alright, everybody doin' okay? Tell me what's going through your heads while this is happenin'.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I'm just thinking of all the work I'm going to do as like, super smart… some kind of like, Mega Scientist, I guess?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: I– I– this is super yucky, and also my eyes don't feel hot at all, and I'm pretty bummed about that.}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Irene?}}
 * {{Justin|Irene: I'm really scared.}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Okay. Well, you're doin' fine, just keep breathin' in your respirator, just keep talkin' to me. Um, and uh, you'll probably notice some changes in the consistency. You've got your arms extended, you look just like, uh, Sam in Quantum Leap. Your arms are extended to give the Skinthetic total access.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: I– I gotta–}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Is the Skinthetic supposed to smell like cinnamon rolls, or…?}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: No, that's your own breath comin' through the respirator.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Oh!}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Yeah so—}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I did have cinnamon rolls.}}

{15:06}


 * {{Griffin|Remy: I have a–}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Breakfast mystery solved.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: I have an itch on my tummy! And I can’t do nothin’ about it, please! Please. Can someone get in here and help me out?}}

Clint: It– so the golems around you have hardened, and it’s just kind of a waiting game. Again, Potts chimes in


 * {{NPC|Potts: Alright, tell me how you’re feeling. Irene, are you still nervous?}}
 * {{Justin|Irene: …yeah? [snickers]}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Okay. Well, what’s gonna happen is–}}
 * {{Justin|Irene: What exactly in the past five minutes do you think would have dispelled my fears?}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Well, it’s about to get worse. At this point, we activate the pumps.}}

Clint: When they activate the pumps, the stimplants fill the chamber, in the air. And are immediately attracted to your golems and start working their way into the actual Skinthetics and– think of it as, like, a medium. The stimplants enter your [Travis: Could I have a large?] bodies.

Travis: [crosstalk] Sorry, it’s just– I have broad shoulders, you know?

Clint: [crosstalk] I’ll give you a grande.

Clint: So you really don’t feel anything. Maybe a, a little bit of a tingle, but that’s– that’s it.

Griffin: I mean, my tummy itch situation is very serious and very immediate.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I feel a little bit of a tingle? Is that– is that normal? Just a little bit of one?}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Just a little bit of a tingle is awesome.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Yeah, just a little– I’m getting some ASMR? Is that normal?}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Yes.}}

Clint: Alright, so it– there’s a different timeframe for everybody. As we watch, from the control room, we can see seams starting to appear in Remy’s golem, and, large chunks of it just start sloughing off and falling to the ground. And when that happens–

Travis: [gasp] Guh-ross… (???)

Clint: When that happens, the nozzle array over Remy withdraws and raises up into the ceiling.

Griffin: I fall to my knees, ‘cause I imagine that was pretty exhausting and disorienting. And I just kinda stay there on my knees for a little bit. And then I look up. And with both hands, I touch my temples, and open my eyes wide and just yell and


 * {{Griffin|Remy: [imitating laser noises] Byew! Byew! Byew!}}

Clint: Nothing. You start making that sound?

Griffin: Yes. [laughing]

Clint: Yeah, no powers have manifested for Remy.

Griffin: Aww.

Clint: Which is not that unusual because, you know–

Travis: Didn’t work!

Clint: It is a three–part system.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: All of a sudden, places start appearing on Irene’s golem. They look like sparks. But they’re moving around on the surface of the golem. And when that happens, Irene’s nozzle array starts to withdraw, like Remy’s did. But when they move, the sparks move to the top of the golem’s head and points at the nozzle array. And there’s a pulse and this surge of electricity, an arc of electricity shoots up and hits the nozzle array.

Griffin: Oh, shit.

Clint: And when that happens, all the lights flicker, but come back on. And Potts says,


 * {{NPC|Potts: Irene? Talk to me, what’s going on in there?}}
 * {{Justin|Irene: I– I don’t know, I feel strange.}}

Clint: The sparks are moving around. This time, they are facing Remy. They all come together into that one spot. And when that happens, at the same time, Remy, you feel that tingling sensation give like a huge surge. All through your body.

Griffin: Yeah, I’m gonna fuckin somersault right out of the way.

Clint: And just then, the sparks on the body pulse right in front of you. Roll Athletics.

Griffin: Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, that is a zero, but I have a plus five athletics and I also– do I have superpowers now?

Clint: You have superpowers now.

Griffin: Well then I also have Uncanny Dodge: if you see a projectile coming you can get out of the way with clever gymnastics, you gain plus two to defense rolls when dodging ranged attacks. So that’s seven.

Travis: [crosstalk] That’s seven.

Clint: Alright, describe the leap.

Griffin: I think it’s almost like he doesn’t realize what he’s… doing? ‘Cause I mean he doesn’t know that he has superpowers, so I think he just, like, his body, he moves it in a way where he thinks he’s just kinda moving to the right a little bit, but he actually plants a hand on the ground and jumps ten feet into the air off the handspring and lands, like, flawlessly. And looks at his hands, and his feet, and looks up at Potts on the other side of the glass like,


 * {{Griffin|Remy: [panicked nervous laughter] Uh huh… uh huh… uhhh??}}

Clint: Alright, and the arc of electricity hits the pad where you had been standing. The lights flicker again, but come back on.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Irene, I don’t know if you can hear, but you need to chill in there, maybe!}}

Clint: Grace speaks in your earbuds and says


 * {{NPC|Grace: Nadiya’s vitals are all over the place.}}

Clint: And Nadiya’s golem has started to shift, and move, without any seams. And Joe says


 * {{NPC|Joe: Ah… That’s new.}}

Clint: But when Nadiya’s golem starts to move, the sparks shift towards the side where Nadiya is.

Griffin: Jesus…

Clint: And Joe says in the earbuds,


 * {{NPC|Joe: Nadiya! Your golem’s movin’! It’s very important that it not! Move!}}

Clint: And Potts says,


 * {{NPC|Potts: Remy, we can’t open the hatch to help you until the filaments are pumped out of the room.}}

Clint: What do you do?

Griffin: Does it look like electricity is about to shoot at… ‘cause you said it was forming on Irene, about to hit Nadiya?

Clint: It was aiming– yeah. When Nadiya’s golem started to move, the sparks moved in that direction.

Griffin: I mean, I can either go look at those fans, or I can try to help Nadiya or Irene out, right?

Clint: Your call. It’s an RPG.

Griffin: Yeah. [Justin laughs]

Griffin: So they’re both still in their golems, right? They’re both…

Clint: They are still in their golems.

Griffin: I ask


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Can I– can I move Irene? Can I try to get this lightning from, stop blasting around the room?}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: I don’t know if I would move her. It’s still in the process. Until she comes out of the golem, it would be extremely dangerous.}}

Griffin: Okay, I want to try to talk to Irene, to get her to calm down, or like gain some control over this thing? I don’t know if that would be Empathy or Rapport, but if I can’t move her, it feels like this is the thing I can do to stop this situation from escalating right now.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Is Nadiya still responsive and hearing and everything?

Clint: No, Nadiya, you guys are in communication.

Griffin: Alright, I say,


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Nadiya, you’ve gotta help me calm Irene down or else she’s gonna fry both of us.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I’m a little, uh… distracted}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Okay.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: if I’m going to be honest. There’s uh… a lot going on… right now. But, uh, I will do what I can. In the meantime, you could maybe draw her fire?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Uh– Oh yeah! Seems like it’s attracted to movement. I can do that.}}

Griffin: I run over just towards Irene and start, I dunno. I do a flip right in front of Irene trying to move around more than Nadiya is, to try to attract the fire.

Clint: The sparks shift to the other side [Griffin: Okay.] and there’s a pulse, and another arc of electricity starts to head your way.

Griffin: I roll out of the way of it. [Clint: Alright.] That’s a fucking ten.

Clint: Excellent. Yeah, you–

Travis: You rolled so good, you become Sonic the Hedgehog.

Griffin: Yeah, I literally go supersonic with that one.

Clint: The lightning arc, instead, hits the wall, and this time the lights flicker and go out.

Griffin: Oh my god.

Clint: And Potts says,
 * {{NPC|Potts: Irene? Irene…}}

Clint: In the darkness, you hear that sloughing sound again, and the lights come back up. Justin, what do we see?

{23:33}


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Finally. I demand meat!}}

[Griffin laughs]


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Who the– who is this? Who are you?}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: My name is Kardala, little man, and I have been freed from the Irene prison, and I demand meat.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Does anybody– can you– Two things: I don’t have any meat. I’m basically nude right now, but also, please stop shooting lightning at all of us.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Oh. Of course.}}

Clint: Potts’s voice kicks in.


 * {{NPC|Potts: Remy, the filaments are almost cleared, and security is on the way [Kardala grunts], but if anything happens to Nadiya while she’s still in golem form–}}

Justin: [crosstalk] Irene rips out her earpieces. Er, sorry, Kardala rips out her earpieces. No way.


 * {{NPC|Potts: Remy, we can’t let her harm Nadiya in any way, shape, or form until she comes out of the golem. It would be fatal.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Little man, you will redirect me to meat or you will be meat, or you will– is this your prison? Have you created this prison for me?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Uh, no? We were doing a… ritual… to… summon you to our wor– I don’t know, that’s a bad lie. I don’t know what’s going on, but this isn’t a prison. We’re going to get out of here in a second, we just need to be patient for like, a minute.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I understand you are afraid of the demon. I, too, have been shook to my core– ah, just kidding, little man, I am not afraid. Shall I destroy it for you?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [panicked] No?}}

Justin: And Irene starts– Kardala starts to walk over to smash Nadiya.

Griffin: [laughs] I run between them.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: No! Nononono, not a demon. Everything’s good, that’s my–}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Look at it.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Yeah… No, it’s– it’s skin all over, and it’s moving around and stretching around all weird and that’s– but that’s I think normal and we are super good here and I– I have jerky? You know jerky, like, it’s like old meat. It’s good as hell, though. I have a lot of that back in my dorm, so I’ll swing by and get you some of that here in like, five minutes, tops.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I am famished for… I cannot count the days. I have watched the world through the prison of Irene Baker, and now I am finally free and I wish nothing more than to dine on flesh.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Flesh?!}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: But, I can be patient.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Good.}}

Clint: On the other side of the wall, back in the control room, Martine and Sylvain enter the monitor chamber with weapons drawn.
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Mmm! Okay.}}

Clint: Martine says,


 * {{NPC|Martine: Open the hatch, Pottsy.}}

Clint: And Potts refuses.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Pottsy, I would listen to them. Open the hatch. This hatch.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Uh. Don’t do that, not ‘til Nadiya’s awake. Nadiya, can you hear me– can you, like, finish molting or whatever?}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Who is Nadiya? Where is she?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: She’s the demon one, you thought she was.}}

Clint: You hear Joe in your earbuds,


 * {{NPC|Joe: Nadiya, listen to me. For some reason the Skinthetics seem to be reacting with your body. You are not going to be able to reject the Skinthetic. It will not slough off. You– It seemed to be reacting to your arm for some reason.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Oh, yeah. I have the– the skin graft, um. This is unexpected. Give me a second.}}

Travis: I would like to roll Will.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Oh wait, I have a program that does that. Not great. But uh, a two? So, fair. [Clint: Okay.] I’m going to– because– okay, so here’s why I’m doing this. What Nadiya knows about her creation, the BioSkin – the Skinthetic, as you were calling it – is that it reacts to your body. It becomes part of your body, so if this is doing a skin – if it’s attracted to the skin graft that she already has, she’s trying to somehow, you know, make it become part– work with her body instead of against it.

Clint: Okay, I like that. Your body starts to actually absorb the Skinthetic. Over on the other side of the wall, Martine said– instructs Sylvaine, and Sylvaine goes over and restrains Potts–


 * {{Griffin|Remy: [crosstalk] Hey hey hey hey! C’mon!}}

Clint: [crosstalk] pulls Potts away, pulls Potts away from the controller. Martine starts punching buttons to open the hatch.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Give me… just one more minute. I think I’ve almost got it.}}

Clint: Joe says,


 * {{NPC|Joe: You and your fella do not run things here, Martine. Three department heads here say give ‘em time.}}

Clint: And Martine says,


 * {{NPC|Martine: I’ll give you one minute. I’m the one department head with a gun.}}

Griffin: You gonna shoot everybody? Ya ding dong?

Clint: Nadiya, you need to roll– I say roll Will again to see if you can stabilize.

Travis: I’m gonna roll Science!

Clint: [bemused] Okay…

Griffin: Eat that skin!

Travis: [dice rolling noise] Oh wait, I have a program–

Griffin: Why– you just forgot it within the span of, like, ninety seconds.

Travis: Okay but I did– I rolled a three. Three pluses and a blank.

Griffin: Ohh, it’s not in the program– [Travis: I know] that’s why we’re using the program–  specifically for Travis.

Travis: But I rolled three pluses, and a blank, plus four, so seven.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Do these guys have guns drawn on Kardala?

Clint: On the other side of the hatch, yeah.

Griffin: Uh oh.

Justin: Through the glass, right?

Clint: Yeah, but that’s why she wants to open the hatch– they couldn’t shoot through the glass.

Justin: Can I see that– is it like a transparent situation or I can, I can see.

Clint: It is transparent, yeah.

Justin: Okay, Kardala walks up and smashes the– punches the glass as hard as she can with her fists.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Sorry it’s just like, untenable, that they would have guns drawn on her.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Okay it’s a negative one, and I guess this would be…

Griffin: Uh, Physique. Or– yeah.

Justin: Physique?

Griffin: Or Fight?

Justin: Or Fight… fighting–

Griffin: [crosstalk] Physique is like feats of strength. I don’t think it’s fi– I think it would be Physique.

Justin: Physique, okay. So three minus one, so a two. Which according to the Fate ladder is…

Travis: Fair!

Justin: Fair.

Clint: Okay. The uh, the transparent wall… splinters, spiderwebs. At that point, the hatch pops open and Martine says,


 * {{NPC|Martine: Okay! Looks like everything’s okay. Everybody’s fine, everybody’s stabilized. Great.}}

Clint: She holsters her weapon, instructs Sylvaine, he holsters his weapon. She says,


 * {{NPC|Martine: Terrific! Alright you guys. Patch ‘em up, feed ‘em, get ‘em outfitted.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Wait– you can’t just come in here and point guns at everybody and then be cool about it!}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I demand battle!}}
 * {{NPC|Martine: It’s comin’. Trust me. But not now! We need to get you skimmin’ and in the air in one hour!}}

Travis: Um, I am going to, like a cinder block, punch Martine with my new giant polymer fist. And that would be a five.

Clint: Alright, that hits her. [Griffin laughing] Hits her–


 * {{Justin|Kardala: [excited] Yes! }}

Clint: Doesn’t hurt her.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: This demon craves battle! I like this demon!}}

Clint: Uh, and she sprawls out on the floor, Sylvain draws down on you.
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: [sarcastically] Sorry– Sorry about that. Um. I was just….really angry, and… huh. I see. Interesting. Wasn’t expecting that at all, huh.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: You can turn your body into a rock like the Kirby power?}}

[quiet laughter]


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Apparently…?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Do another rock! Do a different– can you be a big–}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Uh… yeah lemme see, hold on. Uh… name a weapon.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Uh… two swords.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Spear.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I– I’ll do the two swords first.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Well, do spear first, because she gets angry real fast.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay. Spear. Let’s see…}}

Travis: Will plus two… so six? Form a spear with one hand. Mmm… shield maybe? So that’s an eight to form a shield with the other hand.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Huh. Interesting. Oh! Uh, yes.}}

Travis: I help [chuckles] Martine up.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Sorry!}}

Clint: And she smiles at ‘ya, she wipes away a little blood that came out of her nose, and Martine says–


 * {{NPC|Martine: I like it. Nice job, everybody! }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Yeah.}}
 * {{NPC|Martine: Now get ‘em ready, they’re in the air in one hour.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Who shall I punch?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: No– let’s– can somebody meat her? Get her some meat? This is– she has sort of a one track mind about- hey, by the way, is Irene just gone? What happened?}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Irene is a prison [
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Mhm, yeah.] that was constructed to keep me, Kardala-}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [disheartened] She was actually pretty cool.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: It- can we, can we talk to Irene- is Irene in there?}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Sure, go ahead. Ask Irene something.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Irene, what’s your favorite movie?}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: [pretending to be Irene] I love to watch movies}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Okay, so it’s–}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: and I eat popcorn also!}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: I think Irene’s gone.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: That was a trick!}}

Clint: [Laughs]


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Hey, Kardala, I just also like wanna know what are you, is this like a Jekyll and Hyde situation? Is- is th- ar- what’s goin on?}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: My name is the thunder goddess Kardala, you may call me Kardala.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Cool.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I watch over people of the North, and protect them and serve bounty, but mainly I have been imprisoned for years inside a prison called-}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [crosstalking] Yeah, inside a prison called Irene, yeah.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: -Irene Baker. You know of her, yes. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Yeah.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Now I have been freed. And all I desire, at the moment, is meat. I will... figure out next steps after that.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Big picture, okay. You know what, actually? I’m pretty hungry too. If we could grab a sandwich or something,}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Yes!}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I am now apparently human Silly Putty. Um, and it’s a lot to process, so.}}

Griffin: Remy says,


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Uh, yeah, I can eat.}}

Griffin: And I try to take a step towards the door, but I leap, like, 20 feet forward and crash into the wall, and I’m like,


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Okay, I gotta recalibrate, I guess, my movement a little bit. I think I can jump super good, by the way, which, to be a little honest, is a little disappointing, ‘cause I did already know how to jump pretty good. And also like, I was an Olympic athlete, and I trained for that my whole life, and didn’t get weekends or a childhood, really, so if I knew that they could just sort of matrix super-jumping into you, I probably would have just, like. Wasted all of my time playing Yugioh cards– well, wasting more of my time playing Yugioh cards.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: To be fair, I thought I would become some kind of like. Well, I was going to say Reed Richards, and I guess that that is more–}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Yeah, the circle gets the square.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Yeah. I meant in the super smart scientist way. But I think the stretchy way, I guess. Let me see.}}

Travis: And she tries to stretch, and she cannot do that.

Griffin: Okay.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay, so n– I– Hmm. Mhmm, mhmm. Not… stretchy…}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Um, Potts, is there any way I can go again? And maybe see if I get heat vision this time? Or flight, or…?}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Well, no, but I’ll tell ya one thing, Remy. Our indicators show there’s still some powers being processed in your hands. So, maybe they’ll manifest themselves later on but–}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Heat beams! Pyow!}}

Griffin: I stick my hands out [laser noises]


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: All of us, or just– just him.}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: No no, just Remy.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Aw.}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Just Remy. Something, it’s– it’s just like some kind of energy flow, but it’s- it’s tough to tell. It may show up later, so we’ll just keep an eye on the situation.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: But it’s– it’s in my hands.}}
 * {{NPC|Potts: Mhmm.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: In my haaands! Y’all know that one?}}

[Travis laughing]

[TAZ: Commitment theme fades in 35:32]

[The Money Zone 35:46-41:51]

Clint: It’s an hour later. And you’re on a skimmer.

Travis: Have we eaten?

Clint: You’re zipping over the waves of the Gulf of Mexico, and there are hoagie crumbs and wrappers and strombolis and hot brown remnants– you’ve just eaten the hell out of a bunch of meat sandwiches.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Little man, remind me. This one, strom- stromb-}}
 * {{NPC|Joe: Stromboli.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Stromboli. Yes.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: It’s Italian for ‘the good sandwich’.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I very much enjoy the stromboli.}}

Clint: So. You’re zipping along. And um, of course, remember these are drones that are piloted back by a pilot on the ‘Berg. So it’s just you three. But there is a monitor with a speaker. As you fly along, Parsons, who is the head of Risk Understanding, and basically makes the assignments, says uh


 * {{NPC|Parsons: Hi everybody. I’m sorry that we, uh, had to put you in this situation–}}

Griffin: God, that’s good.

Justin: So good.


 * {{NPC|Parson: – where, uh –}}

Travis: Man of a thousand voices.


 * {{NPC|Parsons: –you find yourselves in this– I apologize, but this is of immediate need. And you are the only intact superpowered trio we have at this time. We’re still doing the–}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [strained noise]}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Did they die?}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Yeah, intact is a horrible–}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: I’m sorry, uh, alive. You are the only three successful ones so far.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: THERE WAS A CHANCE OF UNSUCCESS?!}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Yeah, wait–}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: Well, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: WE DID NOT! We explicitly DID NOT know the job was dangerous when we took it!}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: You are on a rescue mission. And it’s of vital importance. You are going to recover– her name’s Mary. But we called her Space Cadet. Um, she was in the Diplomatic department. She was one of the first recipients of the stimplant technology. And basically– uh, Mary is like a human wifi network. Um, within the hundred yard space, she can basically connect to practically any kind of electronics and exert control over them. But, like I said, this was one of the first ones. And, um. There were some aftereffects that we did not anticipate–}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Is she evil now? Is that what’s going on?}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: No, no. }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: [disbelievingly] Okay.}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: But the technology was not as refined, and her psyche was damaged.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Mhmm.}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: And she fled. She fled the ‘Berg without us knowing it. If she does not get proper treatment, her condition’s gonna deteriorate, and we’re afraid the paranoia will turn inward, and she may harm herself. We really don’t want that to happen. Now, as you know, we cannot remove the stimplants, but we do have some treatments that will help her lead a normal life. Um–}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Does she have two folks with her, also? Giving her– isn’t this like a trio, a triumvirate situation?}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: Um. You’re right, Remy, but as far as we know, no. Nobody else from the program has left. Like I said, she was one of the first ones. And just when the powers activated with the other two, it just, it went bad for Mary.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Um, quick clarifying question. Um, did you try marijuana once, and did you inhale? [Travis laughs]}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: Um, I did not inhale.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Okay, fantastic. }}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: But I also have a peanut allergy, so I’m not who you think I am.}}

Justin: Oh, twist.


 * {{NPC|Parsons: Now, Jamie, who works in my department too, I believe you met her at the mixer, um, as a matter of fact I believe that is who you had kind of a butting of heads with —}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Ah. Yes. [crosstalk] Bad with names, is Nadiya. }}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: [crosstalk] Jamie and I suspect that Space Cadet has taken refuge in an abandoned theme park on the gulf of Louisiana — on the gulf coast of Louisiana. The park was built by her parents. Do you — you remember the televangelists Stan and Sally Sage? They were very big — they were, had their own TV network, and they were very, very successful, but they were indicted six years ago. Now, they opened this theme park and it shut down. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Is it a religious themed Noah’s Ark theme park? }}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: It is a Bible-related theme park. [crosstalk] Every—}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [crosstalk] Excellent.}}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: Every creature, every person that you see there, a lot of audio — a lot of animatronics, they are all from the Bible. }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Are we going to have to — I’m sorry. [heavy sigh] Are we going to have to deal with, like, robot Jesus and stuff? }}
 * {{NPC|Parsons: Our intelligence does not extend that far.}}

Griffin: [laughs] That’s a yes from Dad!


 * {{NPC|Parsons: So I do not know.}}

Griffin: That’s a hard Clint McElroy yes.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay. }}

Clint: Just then, the skimmer lands outside a very large sign, and right before the, right before the screen kicks off, you hear Parsons say,


 * {{NPC|Parsons: Bring her home to us, please. }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: No. }}

[someone laughs]


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Oh — okay —}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Little man, thank you for your story, if that was to be a story. I have no interest in…”Mary”. I will depart on my own way, fare thee well to all of you—}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: [crosstalk] Coward.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I have a conquest beyond. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: That’s a terrible idea. }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Ssssssorry, demon? }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Oh, I’m, I said “coward.” }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [crosstalk] Oh, Jesus.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: You’re running away, is what you said, right? So you’re quite the—}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: [laughs sinisterly]}}

Griffin: I’m walking backwards away from this.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: The demon thinks Kardala a coward.}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: No, it’s fine, I’ll just do it on my own. I don’t even need you, I mean, what could you possibly do to help? Um, Jump Boy and I will take care of it, and you—}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [crosstalk] Jump Boy is very good—}}

Justin: [crosstalk] Just as she gets — she gets as far as “what could you possibly do to help?” and Kardala reaches her hands out of her, like, sort of long white cloak, and slaps them together and creates a gust of wind in Nadiya’s direction, um, which, let’s see, that would be...I guess Will, since it’s magic, basically.

That is a zero, and that gets added to my Will which is a three...it says the opposition is generally fair with the, with creating a specific weather pattern, so, three would beat [Clint: Yep!] the opposition. So I create a gust of wind towards her. Not like, you know, damaging, but basically, you know, super fast.

Clint: Well Nadiya, what do you do?

Travis: Oh, I take it. I’m— I am goading Kardala.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s definitely a reverse psychology situation.

Travis: Yeah, yeah. I’m—

Clint: Okay, I’d say — I’d say it knocks you back a few feet, [Travis: Mmhmm.] maybe? Kinda staggers you. Does not knock you over, but it does definitely push you back, and when it pushes you back, it pushes you back against the hatch of the skimmer, and it pops open.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay! So, are we all going, then? }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Yeah, I mean, I’m down, let’s just not antagonize the thunder god for, just like a general rule. }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Do you, demon, admit now that you require the assistance of Kardala?}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: [sarcastically] Yes, you know, I’ve seen the error of my ways, Kardala. Now I don’t think we can do this without you, thank you, so much, for helping us.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Look now how the demon begs!}}

[Griffin laughs]


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Thus is the might of Kardala. Yes, you have convinced me. I take pity on you, lesser creature, and I will follow you to retrieve this…”Mary.”}}

Griffin: I get a stromboli out of the skimmer and I start, like, walking backwards with it, like, ‘this way !’


 * {{Justin|Kardala: The thunder god is not a dog to be teased.}}

Griffin: [crosstalk] Ok, I thought maybe it’d be like a—


 * {{Justin|Kardala: [crosstalk] I will, however, relieve you of this stromboli. }}

Griffin: I thought we might have a E.T. Reese’s Pieces situation on our hands, but I was mistaken.

Clint: All right, you step out of the Skimmer and there’s a very large sign that says “Welcome to Halleluland!”

Griffin: Oh, jeez. Literally.

Clint: And there is a street of—

Justin: Can I just say, I’m so glad you guys talked Kardala into that because there’s nothing I want to see more than the Bible theme park my Dad made!

Travis: Yaaaaay!

Clint: There is a gold road— it’s not real gold, or it would have been stripped by now— by the way, everything here is in slight disrepair.

Travis: Oh, so it’s like my recurring nightmare of being in an abandoned amusement park. Thanks, Dad. [Griffin laughs]

Travis: This is great.

Justin: Except there are apostles here!

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah!

Clint: [crosstalk] I may put spiders in there, too, Trav, I know you love spiders.

Travis: [crosstalk] Ah, cool! Can they be robot Jesus spiders?

Clint: [crosstalk] So you walk along— you walk along this street of gold, and you come up to a gigantic wall, 50 feet high, with a giant white gate, which at some point probably was supposed to look like it was carved out of a single pearl, but, it’s fallen kind of into disrepair. But in front of this gate is a half of a statue.

You see a large mechanical framework of a man, from like the waist up, arms outstretched, palms up, blocking you from getting to the gate. And as you approach, the eyes light up in this bizarre metal face. A lot of the— a lot of it has fallen apart, but you can still see the metallic, and you can still see the palms. The palms are like, you know, eight feet across, they’re huge. And a voice comes out of the head and says,


 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: Step up and tell me of your faith. In what do you believe? }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: I mean, this is a very personal question, giant robot, I just met you—}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: It’s Saint Peter. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: No, I get it. }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay, I just wanted to make sure that was clear. That’s what’s going on.}}

Travis: Nadiya steps up.


 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Uh, I believe in science, and learning—}}

Griffin: [crosstalk] I’m just trying—

Clint: [crosstalk] There’s no response, by the way.

Griffin: I feel like Remy’s just like, what are we doing here? This is just a big animatronic guy, we’re, we don’t need to be talking to this right now, I feel like.


 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: Step up and tell me of your faith. In what do you believe?}}

Clint: And you notice that these two hands are equidistant above the ground, about three feet off the ground each, like scales. [Griffin groans]

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay, yeah.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: I mean, hard work and perseverance and dedication and loyalty and...any of these the password, or…? }}
 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: Step up—}}

Griffin: [crosstalk] All right—


 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: and tell me of your faith. }}

Griffin: I jump up onto the left hand.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: I think we have to step up, literally. }}

Clint: Good. When you do, the eyes light up and the voice says,


 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: Now, tell me of your faith. In what do you believe? }}

Clint: And when you step up on that hand, it sinks to the ground.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Nadiya, can you hop up, or Kardala, can you hop up in the other hand of this very scary—}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: I won’t hop. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Can you climb up? }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Yes. [Griffin chuckles] I shall be judged.}}
 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: In what do you believe? Tell me of your faith. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Jesus. Jesus and the Bible? Is that it? }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Yes. Like the little man said. Jesus and the Bible. }}

Clint: When you say that, your hand — the hand that Kardala stands on— sinks all the way to the ground.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Ah. You enjoy Jesus!}}

[Griffin laughs]


 * {{Justin|Kardala: I...I love Jesus, and the Bible that he wields. So terrible. Very—}}

Clint: He’s like a coworker!


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Yes. We called him Dave! }}

Griffin: [laughing] Oh, jeez.

Clint: Okay, Nadiya, what do you do?

Travis: ...I don’t know. [laughs] Um, so right now the hands are on the ground, right?

Clint: No, no no, when Kardala got on the palm and activated it, the— it sank to the ground, and the hand that Remy was standing on raised up in the air.

Travis: I walk under that hand.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: And I head for the gate.

Clint: Still closed.

Travis: I hit it really hard with the big hammer fist.

Clint: [makes sound effect like something hitting a metal door] Wooonnngggg!


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Yes!}}

Clint: Nothing.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: I will join the Demon in this path! }}

Justin: Kardala hops off and goes to punch the gate.

Clint: Remy goes right down to the ground in his hand.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Ow!}}

Clint: Wooonnnngggg!


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Okay. We can make the hands move, and that’s great. I think we have to balance it out, maybe? Like scales? }}

Justin: Kardala goes back to the, her platform.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Let’s both say Jesus at the same time? One, two, three, Jesus? }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Yes, you count. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: One...two...three...Jesus!}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: [simultaneously] Jesus! }}

Clint: Kardala’s hand goes down to the ground, Remy’s goes up in the air.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Oh, my gosh. }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: We are both saying Jesus. Perhaps my faith is stronger than yours. I have spoken for many minutes about my love of Jesus and his terrible Bible. [others laughing] Perhaps your faith in Jesus is not as strong as Kardala’s.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: All right, Nadiya, get over here and talk about how great science is.}}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: You must both believe in Jesus to equal my faith in— my newfound faith in Jesus. }}

Travis: All right, Nadiya climbs up on the hand with Remy.


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Speak of your love of Jesus, Nadiya! }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [muffled] Yeah, he’s great.}}
 * {{NPC|Saint Peter: Tell me of your faith. In what do you believe? }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I believe in science.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Je— Oh, I thought we were doing J— okay. }}

Clint: And the hand that you are standing on starts to lower, and the hand that Kardala’s on starts to raise…


 * {{Justin|Kardala: Now wait, who is science, and—}}

Justin: No, I’m just kidding, Kardala knows what science is.

Clint: [crosstalk] And the hand with Remy and Kardala— ah, I’m sorry, with Remy and Nadiya [Griffin: Nadiya], slowly sinks down to the ground, but very slowly.


 * {{Griffin|Remy: All right, I’ll get off, and I think we’re supposed to be balancing sort of faith in science, at this point. Right? I think that’s what this statue is trying to get us to, to do. }}

Clint: Someone could do an investigation check.

Travis: Oh yeah!

Justin: Yeah. Shit. Yeah. Not Kardala.

Travis: Ok. So, uh, my investigation is plus three, I rolled a zero, so that’s three.

Griffin: I also got a three.

Clint: Okay. You noticed that in the transition of the one arm coming down, when they were equidistant, when they were just about the same, the pearly gates started to hum and vibrate a little bit. But then when you sank the rest of the way down— now, this is with both of you on it—

Griffin: Yeah, I’m getting— I’m getting off. I think that’s what we needed to do. Some—


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Kardala, you’re on that hand. Nadiya, you’re on that hand. Nadiya, you do all your science jazz—}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: Okay.}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: —and, Kardala, you talk about how great your, your best friend Jesus is, with his awesome ‘Bible’. }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Does anyone know anything else about Jesus? I feel like I’m beginning to repeat myself. }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Uh, he did— he made one fish turn into like a bunch of fish. }}
 * {{Justin|Kardala: Aahh. This I can respect! Provider Jesus, the creator of fish! I love him very much, and I believe in him and his terrible, scythe-like Bible!}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: And, Nadiya, what’s the best elements? Just start, just talk science and give me that jazz. }}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: I’m— I’m not a chemist, you know that—}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: [crosstalk, strained] Just say some science stuff and how great it is!}}
 * {{Travis|Nadiya: [crosstalk] Okay, okay, all ri- okay. Uh, I like lasers, and making fake skin, and polymers, and plastics, and microchips. Beakers and bunsen burners and stuff. I love science. }}

Clint: As you speak, your hand sinks, sinks, sinks, and there’s a moment, again, where they’re the same distance off the ground—


 * {{Griffin|Remy: Get off, get off, get off!}}

Travis: Then we get off, then we get off.

Clint: And the pearly gates open.

Travis: Hey, we did it!

Griffin: Everything in moderation, folks.

Travis: That’s why I believe in science Jesus!

Clint: All right, so you follow this street of gold past the pearly gates, and you’re walking around. You eventually come up to a very large clearing, and this clearing is full of wild— I mean, it’s overgrown, but it’s kind of this wild version of lilies of the valley. So this field is sprung up, overgrown, weedy, but you can still see the lilies of the valley. And, uh, you walk into this clearing, and...what do you do?

Travis: Ok, I’m gonna do Notice.

Griffin: Yeah, I could also—

Travis: Not great.

Griffin: I got a one on Notice.

Travis: I got a zero! I roll negative one, plus my one, equals zero.

Clint: The only thing you really notice is that even though this is overgrown, you can still see the street of gold stretching on ahead to, uh, to a bunch of trees, and as you look, through the trees comes a woman riding on a unicorn.

Griffin: This is the weirdest Bible place ever! Cause they definitely, I don’t think were in that one.

Clint: And you hear a voice say,


 * {{NPC|Voice: Isaiah 34:7. And the unicorn shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls, and their land shall be soaked up with blood— }}

Griffin: I was— I stand corrected.


 * {{NPC|Voice: and their dust made fat with fatness. }}

Griffin: There’s unicorns in the Bible, y’all! Had no idea!

Clint: The unicorn trots up, and the woman gets off of the unicorn.

Griffin: Is it a robot woman?

Clint: It is a robot woman, yes. And as she walks up, you hear a voice speak, and the voice says,


 * {{NPC|Voice: Mark 6:22-25. When the daughter of Herodius came and danced, she pleased Herod and his dinner guests, and the king said, “Ask me for everything you want and I’ll give it to you.” And he promised her an oath: “Whatever you ask, I shall give you.” She went out and asked her mother, “What shall I ask for?” And her mother said—}}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: I know this one!}}
 * {{NPC|Voice: “The head of John the Baptist.” }}
 * {{Griffin|Remy: Aww.}}

Clint: And at that point, the robotic woman pulls her hand out from behind her back and sure enough, she has the severed head of a man, her fingers tangled in his hair,

Griffin: Happy Halloween, everybody!

Travis: Is it a robot head?

Clint: It’s a robot head.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Clint: And the robot woman screams,


 * {{NPC|Robot Woman: GET OUT!}}

[Commitment Theme music]

Clint: And when she says that, the eyes of the severed head opens and fix on you, and the head speaks:


 * {{NPC|Severed Head: I’d listen to her, fellas! She always gets what she wants, trust me! }}

Clint: And the unicorn charges toward you.

[End theme music]