Ep. 34: The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Six/Transcript

Episode 34 - Crystal Kingdom - Chapter Six (part of TAZscripts on Tumblr)

Griffin: Previously, on the Adventure Zone...

Travis: If his lab touches the ground, whole planet: crystal.



Griffin: The shards, they were all targeting Merle when they flew in your direction.

Clint: That's just ridiculous, what?

Travis: These gemstones, they done hate Merle.

Griffin: The whole airlock tunnel is just a sheet of ice. You see Killian and you see Carey just mercin' some robots in there.

Clint: They're really better than we are at this stuff.

Travis: Super better at it. So let's check out the Fizzy Lifting Room.

Griffin: Things in this chamber are just floating. Just floating in space. You see three shapes start to move upward toward the three of you, very slowly.



Travis: They're pretty big!

[crosstalk]

Justin: Some water bears have been known to eat entire, an, entire live organisms, like rotifers, and other tardigrades.

Griffin: Or elves, human, and dwarves.



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson] {1:46}

Griffin: So you're in the zero gravity trash room.

Travis: Fighting angry manatees.

Griffin: Yes. And these guys have just shot out their probosci at the three of you, and unfortunately Merle and Taako, you missed your saving throws and you have been grabbed by these proboscises. Taako, er, Magnus, you push off of a box or something and manage to get out of the way of it.

Travis: It's real cool.

Griffin: Let's roll initiative real quick. [dice]

Travis: Oh, not great. That's a six.

Justin: Also six.

Clint: Also six!

Justin: Fuck me.

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh no!

Clint: 666 [“Six sixty-six”]!

Travis: We're going to die.

Clint: Yeah, but I roll twice, remember?

Justin: Oh thank god.

Clint: 19!

Justin: Nice.

Griffin: Damn.

Travis: I turn my special belt to Tardigrade.

Griffin: Yeah, okay. It has a setting for fire, ice, lightning, and microscopic waterbears. So, you're good. Who's got the higher Dex between Taako and Magnus?

Travis: My Dex is 2, 2 modifier, 14.

Justin: You're not in this.

Griffin: Yeah, you are.

Justin: No, I'm saying, he can't even compete with my Dex, 'cause it's like...

Griffin: What is it?

Justin: I mean, my Dexterity's 18, my modifier's 4.

Travis: Is it really?!

Justin: Yeah.

Travis: Shit! You're dextrous as a motherfucker!

Justin: My— I have really good acrobatics, I've just never used it for some reason.

Griffin: What the fuck?!

Justin: Yeah, I have a +7 to Acrobatics.

Griffin: You're a fuckin' flip wizard and you haven't done ANYTHING with that!

Travis: Cool... wait! Oh shit! Sweet flips.

Justin: Yeah. Well, that's what I was getting around to with this episode, but I didn't really get to unveil that part of my... [crosstalk]

Travis: Good news! You're in the antigravity now!

Clint: And you're an underachiever.

Griffin: Yeah. Okay, first in the order is Merle. You are... you have been grabbed, so if you wanna try and get out of this thing's slimy, slimy grasp, you're gonna have to make a Strength check. It's startin' to pull you towards it, though. It's retracting this proboscis. [pronounced “probiscus”] It's about 10 feet away from you and it's kind of like... eating its own, like, tongue, pulling you backwards into its—

Travis: Gross! Like—

Clint: Okay.

Travis: Like Bubble Tape?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: And I don't want you to feel like you're railroading me, but I'm gonna make a Strength check.

Travis: I don't think you know what railroading is.

Clint: 18 plus 2... That's 20.

Griffin: I got a 13. So you manage to wriggle free of this thing's grasp. You are still kind of slowly moving towards it, just because of, you know, inertia. But uh, you are no longer restrained by this thing.

Clint: Is it moving, are they moving towards us, as well? Still?

Griffin: Yeah, this one is also moving a little bit towards you.

Clint: All right. I am going to cast Spirit Guardians.

Griffin: Okay...?

Clint: Um...

Griffin: Is this the Della Reese spell?

Clint: No, no, that's, uh… that’s different guardians. [Griffin snorts] No, this is— no, no, wait a minute— this is— [crosstalk]

Griffin: I'm not laughing because I doubt you, I'm laughing because like, clerics just have like 20 different guardians, you're basically a Pokémon Master of angels.

Clint: Okay, so these are a bunch of little spirits that flit around, in a sphere of like 15 feet...

Griffin: Okay...

Clint: Around me. And any creature— for one thing, their speed is halved in the area, and when they enter the area for the first time, they have to make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the creature takes 3d8 Radiant Damage.

Travis: Woah!

Griffin: Okay. And that's your turn, right?

Clint: [cheerily] That's it.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, tardigrades are up next. [Justin: Pfff fuck.] So the two that managed to Yoshi-tongue you, Merle, and you, Mag— wait, who did get tongued?

Travis: I did not.

Clint: Taako's the only one still tongued.

Griffin: Yeah, the— those two tardigrades are definitely gonna be in that field, just because they were sort of pulling you towards them. So you four are kind of in the same area. So they're going to roll a Wisdom saving throw?

Clint: Mm-hm.

Griffin: I'll roll the one that tongued Taako. [dice] That's a 19 + 1, so 20. That beats it. And the one that had you, Merle, [dice] rolled a 4. That did not save it. So he takes, what?

Clint: I roll 3d8... [dice] 2, 8, 8!

Travis: Nice.

Clint: So 18.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you burn him up real good, your little guardians... are they actually like, little, like, butterflies?

Clint: Um...

Travis: They're tiny Della Reeses.

[laughter]

Clint: They’re like- They're little tiny, no, who's the— Roma Downeys. These are little tiny Roma Downeys.

Griffin: Okay, a hundred little Roma Downeys speaking in a hundred unintelligible accents all just pierce this thing all at once, and it looks really, really, really bad off. So they're all going to take turns now. This thing, Merle is now— because of sort of the inertia's carried him forward— it's pretty close to you, so it's just gonna try and take a big bite outta ya.

Clint: Ha! Good luck.

Griffin: That is a 14 + 6, 20... 20.

Clint: So that's where I take my Armor Class, that's 18...? So I guess that's a hit.

Griffin: Yeah, that is 12 points of damage.

Travis: Oh, that's not bad, you'll be fine.

Justin: [distant] Yeaaaah! No worries.

Griffin: As this thing just kind of bites, bites onto your arm. It didn't get through your suit, but you, I guess you're taking crushing damage. And then...

Clint: Did you say under my arms? It bit my pit?

Griffin: Yeah, it bit your armpit, 'cuz it's a fuckin' nasty, nasty boy.

Clint: That's awful.

Justin: Nasty.

Griffin: Taako, the one that has you all tongued up is going to quickly retract its tongue, bringing you right into its mouth zone. He's gonna take a big bite of you too. [dice] Uh, gosh, that is... 21, it's gonna hit your AC.

Justin: Yep.

Griffin: For 15 points of damage.

Justin: Okay... all right...

Griffin: As this thing takes a big ol' bite outta you. And then... Magnus, the one that missed its tongue attack on you looks kind of sad. He's just gonna hock a big black tar-like loogie in your direction. So... make a Dexterity saving throw to get out of the way of his projectile black spit.

Travis: It's 13+2, 15.

Griffin: That's not gonna do it.

Travis: Damn it!

Griffin: Yeah. You are hit by this poison spit. [dice]

Travis: [anticipating] 2 points of damage. [pause] It actually heals me!

Griffin: Weird, it heals you. It was healing poison. Um, no, that is 19 points of damage.

Travis: What the fudge?!

Griffin: As this black goo sort of sinks into your suit and—

Travis: That's fudged up.

Griffin: —gives you bad feelings all over your skin. But it also kind of recoils, because of that spit, and it is now sort of floating backwards into the big pile of debris that it climbed out of. It's sort of floating backwards, there's some, there's a couple— let me explain some of the things that are in this room that if you want, you could take advantage of. Like I said, a refrigerator, a large pane of glass, three broken cages, some microscopes, two fire extinguishers, a set of weights, a giant industrial fan blade, wooden crates, and a red barrel.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: That's it for the tardigrades. Next up is fuckin' flip wizard McGee, Taako.

Travis: Flip Wilson.

Justin: Popular flip wizard—

Clint: [imitates Flip Wilson's Geraldine character] The devil made him do it!

Justin: Okay, that's a hip Flip Wilson impression for everybody... [smooth voice] for everyone to enjoy, the whole family can enjoy a Flip Wilson impression.

Travis: "I do flips."

Clint: I love it when you do your FM DJ voice.

Justin: [smooth] Comin' up next, more Flip Wilson impressions. Um... [tuts] I am going to cast one of my famous, as they say, spells, if you're ready. This spell is called Phantasmal Killer. It's the coolest spell I could find.

Griffin: You cast spells like Perd Hapley.

[crosstalk, Clint laughs]

Griffin: [dramatic voice] "I'm now gonna cast a spell, and the name of the-"

Justin: Okay, so, I just want to educate real quick everybody about tardigrades, okay? They can survive a few minutes at 304 degrees Fahrenheit. They can survive 30 years at negative 20 degrees Celsius. They can survive a few minutes at negative one thousand degrees Kelvin. They can survive a few days at negative 328 degrees Fahrenheit. They can go without water for 10 years! These are savage beasts, and I'm going to haunt them with the only thing that can stop them: their own fears. What does a tardigrade fear? I can't fathom it. Because it's unkillable.

[Griffin laughs]

Clint: How about a dentist? All those teeth.

Justin: It is unfathomable what I'm about to conjure, but it is a Phantasmal Killer. I want to tap into its nightmares, and create- of the one that fuckin' attacked me, natch[short for naturally]- and I will create an illusory manifestation of its deepest fears, visible only to that creature. It must make a Wisdom saving throw, which, if tardigrades are Wisdom-rich, you can go fuck yourself.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: On a failed save, the target becomes frightened for the duration. At the start of each of the target's turns before the spell ends, the target must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or take 4d10 Psychic Damage.

Griffin: Fuck me!

Justin: On a successful save, the spell ends.

Griffin: So the start of its next turn, it would take that damage.

Justin: Yes, correct.

Griffin: Okay. But I have to make a save right now to see if I can get away from it. Jesus. [dice roll] It's a critical failure.

Justin: Great.

Travis: He's super scared!

Griffin: This thing makes a noise, because like you said, they're unkillable, just like, emotionless monsters, this thing makes a noise that makes you think that the Satan that Satan's afraid of just appeared in front of it.

Justin: And who is it he's dreaming of?

[crosstalk]

Justin: Why, it's none other than Johann August Ephraim Goeze, his discoverer.

Griffin: This thing is scream-gurgling, and it's a horrible, horrible, horrible sound. And it actually unlatches its tongue from you and kind of like pushes you away from it, trying to like, get away from this, this double Satan.



Justin: That's what I say to it.

Clint: Is that your new— is that the new catchphrase—

Justin: Well, only for things that bite me in the dick.

Clint: Is that where it bit you?!

Justin: Yep, right in the dick.

Clint: [quietly in the background] Oh, my god.

Griffin: I edited it out, but yeah, it bit him right in the dick. Magnus, you're up.

Travis: How close are the fire extinguishers?

Griffin: One is right next to you.

Travis: I grab it.

Griffin: Kay.

Travis: And I'm going to use it to propel me at, like, Wall-E style, at... I don't know, let's say the one that just bit Merle's armpit— no, that one took some damage already. Um, the one who's sad about not getting to bite me. With my shield in front of me, so I'm basically like cannonballing into it.

Griffin: Okay, you— yeah, I like the Wall-E comparison best.

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: So yeah, you're gonna launch yourself at this thing. I'll give you Advantage on the attack. ‘Cause this is cool.

Travis: Great. What kind of attack do you think it would be? Um...

Griffin: It's up to you, if you wanna try and like hit it with your ax as you go flying by it, or if you wanna try and just bash it with your shield—

Travis: I wanna bash it with my shield in the face, real good.

Griffin: Okay. I don't really know how attacking with the shield— go ahead and make the, you're definitely proficient in shield, so...

Travis: [dice] That was not great... okay, that one's better. So that's 15+7, 22.

Griffin: Yeah, that's a hit. And we’ll say... let me think. What's your ax do?

Travis: Uh, one-handed is 1d8 + 6...

Griffin: Why don't you just do 1d6 + 6, we'll just take it one dice down.

Travis: Great. [dice] That is 5+6, 11.

Griffin: Okay. This thing takes 11 points of damage, and you send it, like, flying backwards towards the big sort of thing of flotsam and jetsam that the other guy ran off to. So yeah, they're all kind of towards the bottom of the room now. That's it for—

Travis: Well, I get a second attack! C'mon!

Griffin: Oh yeah.

Travis: We've got tiny Roma Downeys, we've got Phantasmal Fears— I get to attack twice, please don't take this away from me.

Clint: [cracks up]

Griffin: Okay. Do you have a throwing weapon or a bow or something?

Travis: I'm going to let the fire extinguisher keep shooting towards them [Griffin: Okay.] —let go of it, and then I'm going to shoot the fire extinguisher with my bow and arrow— with my crossbow.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: That is 16+7, 23. I use the fire extinguisher.

Griffin: You send the fire extinguisher flying at all of them, and you shoot it with your crossbow, and it does burst and send white… white foam all over the three of them, and the bottom of the room, and that white foam… uh... is going to blind them? But they're not gonna take much damage from it 'cause it's just a little fire extinguisher.

Travis: Yeah, but now they've got Disadvantage.

Griffin: Well, they're blinded. I think that's a different thing.

Travis: [wheedling] But that would probably give Disadvantage, wouldn't you say?

Griffin: Yeah, sure. Merle, you are next in the order. All three of them are actually pretty clustered up right now.

Clint: Okay, so they're more than 15 feet away.

Griffin: They're about 15 feet below you. But they're not in your sphere, no. They’ve moved out it. [crosstalk]

Clint: My zone of Romas? Not in my Roma zone?

Travis: If it helps, Dad, they have a single gonad located above the intestine.

Griffin: [cackles loudly]

Clint: Am I the only one that didn't go all Kratt Brothers on these… things?

[crosstalk, laughter]

Clint: I have a question—

Griffin: Travis has a point. They're like Puttys from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, you just hit 'em once in their single hidden gonad. [crosstalk] They can live for a billion years at 300,000 degrees Fahrenheit, but one good nard shot...

[laughter]

Clint: I have a question. Is Magnus still poisoned?

Griffin: No, no.

Clint: [dejected] Okay.

Griffin: [whispering] Largely because I don't know how to resolve that.

Clint: Well, I was going to protect him from poison because I have— but I won't waste a spell on it if that's—

Travis: No, no, that doesn't sound like a thing you'd do.

Clint: I was going to!

Travis: [laughing]

Clint: Okay. So they're all kind of clustered together, right?

Griffin: Yep.

Clint: Tell me again what's floating around?

Griffin: Once again, there's a refrigerator, a large pane of glass, three broken cages, some microscopes, uh, one fire extinguisher, a set of weights, a giant industrial fan blade, wooden crates, and a red barrel.

Travis: Griffin, does the refrigerator still have its door on it?

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Travis: Okay, well I chastise Lucas heavily, never throw away refrigerators with a door on. Learned that from Punky Brewster.



Clint: Okay, I have another question. Do these vagina dentrata things, do they actually have eyes?

Griffin: They, yes, but they're all – they’re covered in fire cream. What's inside of a fire extinguisher, does anybody actually know?

Travis: Anti-fire.

Clint: Whipped cream? Oh gosh. We've gone from Kratt Brothers to Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Justin: Well, no! I mean, it's... I mean I feel like this is something a lot of people... I mean it's a dry chemical, carbon dioxide, or water... I mean [crosstalk]

Travis: It depends on if it's an A B or C...

Griffin: Okay, so when I said fire cream, it was pretty, like— [crosstalk] —sort of like the colloquial term for it.

Clint: Okay, the one that was all chewed up from the Roma zone?

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: I'm gonna take that crummy ax with all of the names of what's his name—

Griffin: The child ax.

Clint: The child ax, with all of the power. This is like a Stephen King novel, you know, where a kid at the end does something… [Griffin laughing] I'm gonna throw that hand ax and I'm gonna throw it right down the ugly gaping toothy maw of that one that's all beat up from the Roma zone.

Griffin: Okay. Cool.

Justin: [amused] The Roma zone...!

Travis: You probably have to roll something.

Griffin: Yeah, you're gonna—

Clint: Hey, Trav! Listen, do I give— [crosstalk] —when it's your turn?

Travis: No- no, you know what, you’re right. Go for it.

Griffin: No, that is going to be a ranged attack.

Clint: [mumbling in mock anger] God, Travis! Grrrrr!

Griffin: What?! It was gonna be, it's a ranged attack! What do you want—

Clint: No, you weren't, no you weren't, it's just 'cause Travis said so! [dice] Oh, great.

Justin: [mock upset] 20!

Clint: No, it's a 6.

Travis: Plus?

Clint: Oh, yeah! Plus 14.

Griffin: [laughs] No, it's a six. Yeah, you throw the ax of children, the child's ax of wounding, um, but you don't throw it very hard; [cracking up] it's just very slowly... it takes like ten minutes—

[laughter, crosstalk]

Griffin: —as it just kind of floats towards this waterbear, and it hits it and just like— bink!

Clint: Doesn't it go in his mouth?!

Griffin: Yeah, it opens its mouth and it fuckin' eats it.

Clint: Okay... it is a choking hazard, then...

Griffin: It's fine. It digests it and shits it out. And the shitty ax comes out and kills you.

[Justin laughs]

Clint: That's fine. Everybody else is allowed to think outside the box.

Griffin: No, you think outside the bun all you want, Taco Bell, you just have to do the shit good!

Clint: He's Taako Bell.

Justin: It still comes down to the rolls.

Clint: [disgusted scoff] Jeez...

Griffin: Next in the order are these tardigrades... I guess I'll roll a saving roll against fire cream. The one that got chewed up by the Roma zone is saved. The one that— well, the middle one that attacked Taako did not. And the one that attacked Magnus did not. So those two are gonna be blind.

Justin: They also, I'm gonna need the middle one to roll a Wisdom saving throw.

Griffin: Oh fuck, that's right!

Justin: 'Cause spooky Johann is stalking his dreams right now.

Travis: Get real spooky-ooky.

Justin: Real spooked.

Griffin: 13?

Justin: No. What? No.

Clint: Hell no.

Griffin: Okay. So he takes... oh, shit, okay—

Travis: 4d10...

Justin: Hold on one second, my lovelies, [Griffin laughs] lemme getcha 4d10 of damage. We got 3... 10... 16... and 24.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, that middle tardigrade tries to wipe the fire cream off his eyes, and fails to do that, and it looks really pitiful. And then its head just Scanners-style explodes. So that's one down.

Justin: Nice.



Griffin: So the other one that did save, Merle, he's going to push off the floor of this room away from the big ball of debris and come at you, and as he flies at you, he's going to try and take another bite. [dice] That is a 19 versus AC?

Travis: Now, to be fair— when he enters the zone, is his speed halved? [agreement from Clint]

Griffin: Well, it's the first time a creature—

Travis: No, but anytime it's in the zone, their speed is halved.

Griffin: Yeah, I haven't really been tracking speed because we're in a weightless zero-G-like inertia.

Travis: Well, that's what I'm saying, so he would've slowed down enough.

Griffin: Okay yeah no, that's fair. That's fair. Fair play. He's not gonna be able to get close enough to take a bite out of you. So instead he's just gonna try and Yoshi-tongue you to try and bring you in range. So make a Dexterity saving throw, Merle. [Clint rolls die] With Disadvantage, because you don't have anything to get your body off. [Travis chuckles in background]

Clint: So I roll it twice. [dice roll]

Griffin: Yep. Take the worst result.

Clint: 15!

Griffin: Yeah, that does it. You get out of the way of this thing's tongue. It actually licks back and misses you with its tongue, and its tongue keeps going, and it actually sticks onto the big refrigerator. And you hear him go like,



Griffin: And the one that is blinded is going to try and spit acid at Taako— with Disadvantage [crosstalk]



Griffin: That's a 17 + 6, so 23, with Disadvantage [dice] 10 plus, 16? Where's AC? Taako?

Justin: Uh, that will... let me grab my sheet real quick. I knew offhand—

Griffin: Oh, no, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I fucked up. This is a Dexterity saving throw, not a ranged attack.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: But I'll give you Advantage since he's blinded.

Justin: So I need to make a Dexterity saving throw?

Griffin: Yes. To try to get out of the way of this big black ball of spit.

[dice]

Justin: 13...

Griffin: That ain't gonna do it.

Travis: Plus your Dex!

Justin: He has Disadvantage though, right?

Griffin: Yeah, so you, I'm gonna give you Advantage, because I don't know how to do Disadvantage if you're the one making the roll, except just to—

Justin: I gotcha. [dice] And then we have 16.

Griffin: Nope, neither of those [crosstalk]

Travis: Plus your Dexterity, are you doing that?

Justin: Yeah, I added it.

Griffin: Okay, you are hit by this poison spit as well.

Justin: Blerch.

Griffin: 14 points of damage for Taako. And that's it for the tardigrades. Taako, you are up.

Justin: I am going to cast... are they still clumped, or what's the deal? How close are they?

Griffin: Not really, not anymore. One of them is... they're probably about 10 feet away from each other. One of them has a tongue attached to a big refrigerator, and the other one is sort of still back towards the big pile of debris.

Justin: Okay, and how close are they to me?

Griffin: They're both about 10 feet away from you also.

Justin: Then I am going to cast this as a, I'm gonna cast 3rd-level Thunderwave, and hit both of them.

Griffin: Okay. Alright.

Justin: So you have to make a Constitution saving throw, [unison with Griffin] for both of them.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, 12, we'll say that one was for the one back near the debris, that's not gonna do it. [Justin: No.] And then the one at the Roma zone… [dice roll] wow, Jesus, rolled a 7.

Justin: Certainly not.

Griffin: No. Okay.

Justin: So now they're both gonna take—

Travis: A thousand points of damage.

Justin: 4d8 Thunder damage.

Griffin: Fuck me! Wow!

Travis: Man! Really makes my ax seem not so great. [sigh]

Griffin: This really isn't Magnus's area to really shine.

[dice rolling multiple times]

Justin: 17.

Griffin: 17 points of damage. Okay, the one that was in the Roma zone, you blast him backwards with your wave of Thunderwave, doesn't there, isn't there a push effect, too?

Justin: Uh, yes, 10 feet away.

Griffin: Yeah, the Roma zone one gets blasted backwards, he just collides with the wall, and you see some pink fluid come out of his snoot, and he, it stops moving. Dead. He's dead, he died. The other one that was back towards the pile looks pretty bad off.

Travis: Magnus yells,



Griffin: Well, no, I don't think you can choose which way to push him, I think you just push him away— [crosstalk]

Travis: Yeah, you can!

Griffin: Can you? Can Thunderwave pull it? [crosstalk]

Clint: It's not telekinesis.

Justin: [crosstalk] I think it would be in a trajectory away from me.

Travis: Any time I've done push with Phantom Fist, I got to choose where they went. Sorry.

Justin: You're the one in control of Phantom Fist, Thunderwave is more like an explosion.

Griffin: Yeah, imagine like a Fus Ro Dah. You can't be like [mouth noises similar to ‘Fus Ro Dah’]

Justin: Fus Ro Dere! Over dere! No! Fus Ro over dere!

Griffin: Also all of the debris in the back of the room has also broken up and now this room kind of has like a snowglobe thing going for it, where just like, there's just shit flying around all over this spot. Uh, yeah, so... next in the order is Magnus, you got one 'grade left.

Travis: I got what? [Griffin: One- theres- Tardigrade.] Oh, gotcha. I'm going to... is there anything I can push off towards it?

Griffin: Yeah, you're pretty close to the giant industrial fan blade.

Travis: Okay, I want to push off that toward the tardigrade.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And— I'll just say what I wanna do, and you tell me what I have to roll to do it.

Griffin: Okay. This is the tardigrade that— oh no no no, the tardigrade that just died was the one that was attached to the refrigerator.

Travis: Okay. I want to grab it and throw it at Merle.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [sighs] Ugh... hahaha haha.

Travis: Okay. So I bounce off and I grab it.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, so he's pretty much right up against the wall, so you push yourself off the fan blade and get to the wall, uh, right next to where he is; that would be a strength contest.

Travis: Good news!

Griffin: Yeah, you're real good at that.

Travis: Yeah, so that’s 16+7… 23.

Griffin: I got a 19, which would've been good against a mortal man...

Travis: Yeah. Except I work out every day.

Griffin: Yeah, you get those fucking sick gains for throwing microscopic science creatures.

Travis: Yeah. So I throw him at Merle.

Griffin: Okay. You chuck 'im real good. You chuck 'im real, real good. Now Merle, you got a fuckin' fastball special coming your way—

Travis: Well, so, it's going to enter the Roma zone for the first time.

Clint: Exactly.

Griffin: Oh, yeah, okay!

Clint: Yeaaaaah!

Griffin: Yeah, so that— we don't even need to get to that turn. What does he do? Wisdom saving throw?

Clint: He has to make a Wisdom saving throw, yes.

Griffin: 21.

Travis: Ohhh, snap! Sorry Merle!

[group cackling laughter]

Justin: Fuckin' smart tardigrade, huh? Smartigrade, if you will.

Griffin: He had a stroke of, he had a flash of genius.

Justin: Does he not still have Disadvantage?

Griffin: He does on attacks, not on Roma avoidance. [laughter] Not on angel-dodging.

Justin: Roma has a way of short-circuiting all of our defenses.

Travis: I get, I have a special called Commander Strike. So for my second attack, I'm actually going to Command Merle to attack, uh, make a weapon attack, and then I add my Advantage, uh my dice to his damage.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, this thing is going to be in melee range of Merle, definitely. So wait, I don't— what the fuck, you're like pulling— you're controlling his mind?!

Travis: No, I'm basically saying like, 'Attack that guy!' And then he's using my second attack to do it.

Griffin: Interesting! That's neat! Okay. So Merle, make a— [crosstalk]

Clint: That's great! It's working out as well as the first part, I hope!

Griffin: Merle, make a melee attack against this waterbear.

Justin: If only you still had your Romper Room ax.

Clint: I've got little Choppy, my real ax.

Justin: Li'l Choppy...

Griffin: I don't know how many times I have to tell you, you don't have an ax. You got that battle wrench— [crosstalk; Travis: You got a hammer!] you got the battle wrench, you got your war hammer.

Clint: I have an ax! I've had an ax from the beginning!

Travis: No, I have an ax! That's my steeze!

Justin: Ahhh, I think Dad has an ax.

Clint: All right, I'll hit him with my war hammer, but we will discuss this in the off-season.

Travis: [crosstalk] We'll talk about this in the ‘Adventure Zone’ zone.

Griffin: You had an ax— we'll talk about how, how, just, like, loosey-goosey you are with your belongings. [laughter] C'mere, Scuttle Buddy! Bye! Get on that train to hell! See you later! Ax! Oh, ax, I found you, I love you— bye, I threw you into a monster's mouth and he turned it into shit.

Clint: And I'm gonna get an apology in the next episode from you, because—

Griffin: [crosstalk] That seems very unlikely—

Clint: —I am right, and you are wrong. [Griffin: that seems super unlikely.] All right, I'll hit him with my warhammer. Do I get to name that?

Griffin: Yeah, if you want!

Clint: Smusher. [dice roll]

Griffin: Okay. I feel like you've already busted that out, but...

Clint: Okay. What did I just roll for?

Griffin: [exasperated] Oh my gosh.

Justin: Hurting.

Clint: 17, and none of my modifiers...

Travis: That's what the plus 3 is.

Clint: Okay. 17, then.

Griffin: Yeah, that's a hit.

Travis: Excellent. All right, my superior dice— [dice roll] so whatever your damage is, plus 4.

Clint: Okay. 5 plus 4.

Griffin: 9 points damage? [Clint: Okay.] Okay, yeah, you guys basically just did a, like a quick little baseball game.

Clint: We need to name it something, Trav.

Griffin: In this zero— yeah, you guys have just invented a new hot zero gravity waterbear sport.

Justin: That only works on smart ones.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah. [crosstalk]

Travis: —Smart Waterbear.

Griffin: You, yeah, you club this thing with your bat and you hear it grunt and cry sadly and some pink juice comes out of it, and it hits the wall and is dead.

Clint: We just Joey Votto'd that thing.

Justin: I'm not gonna have a bunch of people tell me I missed another great Travis joke, so Travis, Smart Waterbear is a very funny joke.

Clint: Yes it is. That is good. [crosstalk]

Travis: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Griffin: What, just because Smart Water is an extant product?

Travis: Yeah.

Justin: But Smart Waterbear, and it was a smart waterbear.

Clint: [Commercial voice] This portion of Adventure Zone brought to you by: Smart Water.

Justin: So: Smart Waterbear.

Clint: And Gummi Bears.

Griffin: [PSA voice] Also the National Bear Council. Hey guys, can we chill out a bit on bears?

Travis: [PSA voice] Hey, let's be cool on bears for two seconds.

Griffin: If you see a bear, it's time to fuckin' go, man.

Travis: Get out of there! That's the bear's house! Unless the bear's in your house, then call somebody. Don't try to take care of it on your own.

Clint: Wait a minute. Let's not gloss over the fact that we just won a battle.

[BACKGROUND MUSIC: “Competent Battle Fanfare” by Griffin McElroy]

Travis: Yeah! We legit won!

Clint: Cuz that doesn't happen all the time!

Justin: Normally a much better equipped woman has to come in and save us. [Clint laughs] That's typically the way we do it.

Griffin: All three tardigrades burst open, and a million baby tardigrades swarm out—

[laughter, as the song “Competent Battle Fanfare” continues]

Travis: Now, they are eggs, and it takes 14 days for the eggs to hatch [Griffin loses it, clapping] —do your fuckin' research!

{32:35-38:29} [commercial break]

[Transition music, “Competent Battle Fanfare” plays]

Griffin: You've exited the zero-gravity room and made it through the airlock into what looks to be the main lobby of the lab. Which isn't crystallized. It is still in its normal, labby form. And there's a bunch of different airlocks leading to a bunch of different chambers from this like central hub. You can see an airlock leading to the main entrance of the lab— [Clint laughs] — what's wrong?

Clint: I'm just thinking this is like our bottle episode, where we just re-use the airlock set over and over again.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Just a little, just hang a different sign on it.

Griffin: Yeah, this is basically like old school Doctor Who, like, I've only got the one airlock. Uh... one of them is labeled to head to the main entrance, and that airlock is actually shut down, it's powered down. There's another airlock on the opposite end of the room that you can't really make out, that's also powered down. There is the airlock you just came from.

There are three airlocks leading to the med bay, one leading to-- one labeled to go to the main elevator, and one heading to a room called Cosmoscope. And then right next to you, right next to the door that you just exited from, is the airlock leading into the Thermal Regulation Chamber, which also has a layer of ice around it. But as you enter into the room, you hear coming from that door, you hear some banging and shouting and chopping coming from that iced-over door.

Travis: I start chopping too!

Griffin: And you— Okay. Yeah, you get your ax out and start chopping on the other end of it. You guys hear Killian and Carey going,



Clint: I get my ax ready so I can help him.

Griffin: [exasperated laughing] You don't have an ax. You hear,



[Griffin laughs]



Clint: I got fire! I got fire, you want me to use... [so much crosstalk]

Travis: You guys have fun!

Justin: Yeah, go for it, my firearm is a little—

Clint: Well, so you don't, you know, burn a spell...

Justin: Sure!

Clint: And since I don't use mine right. Okay, I cast Sacred Flame on it.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, Sacred Flame is sort of fire of a divine origin. I, the, you—

Clint: I'm a divine guy.

Griffin: I know this. I know this very much about you.

Clint: Would radiant damage not help?

Griffin: Uh, no, but you did teach the ice a quick parable about Pan and his divine guidance.

Justin: Okay, fine, I'll use Fireball. Fuck.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you blast the door with Fireball and Magnus, you're chopping away with your ax... Merle, you hear a voice in your head. You hear a whisper come from behind you.

[Ominous music; if you know the track name please add! {41:27} ]

Travis: [sinister voice] Kill again.

Clint: [snickers]

Griffin: No, it’s, uh… the voice sounds like,



Clint: Uh-uh, nope.



Clint: All right all right, I turn around and look behind me.

Griffin: You look behind you while everybody's busy getting to this door, heeding this voice that apparently only you can hear, and you see a small rift open in space, and you see the crystal with the white fire starting to come through it. And that voice says,



Clint: [skeptical] Hmmmmm...

Griffin: And the thing's starting to pop out of this rift-womb, and make its way out.

Clint: Well! That certainly is a conundrum. [pause] All right! I grab it.

[Justin gasps]

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you catch the crystal before it drops to the ground. Yeah, the rift closes up, and nothing gets crystallized, as you grab this white fiery crystal. And as soon as you grab it you hear that voice again, and it goes,



Griffin: And you hear a sound like a light bulb shattering as the crystal in your hand just kind of, kind of shatters and fractures into splinters, and you feel a sharp pain in your hand. And that sharp pain is kinda replaced by this strange numbness. And as you open up your hand, you realize that you have a few little needles of this crystal sticking out of your hand.

Clint: Okay...

Travis: [singing] Choppin' away at the door...

Griffin: And your hand is starting to get— starting to change. Hand is actually starting to turn— turn— the suit, I should say, around your hand and your arm, you can feel it, like it hurts a whole bunch. I can't even describe how bad it feels. But yeah, your hand is starting to turn into pink tourmaline.

Travis: [overlapping] I turn around and chop it off.

Clint: Hey wait!

Griffin: Okay... yeah, it's grown up to his forearm... how do you, I guess my question is, how would you know...?

Travis: Well, he's probably screaming by this point. Unless he's just like super cas’ [short for ‘casual’] about the whole arm turning into crystal thing. "Huh, that's weird!"

Clint: What's turning into crystal, the suit, or my arm?

Griffin: All of it. The whole kit and caboodle. It's growing up, it's up your wrist now, it's about halfway up your forearm.

Clint: Would it help if I took the suit off?

Griffin: It's like, already in your body, it seems like?

Clint: Okay!

Griffin: It's going up ya. [Clint: Okay—] It's about to your elbow now.

Clint: I turn and say with a calm but manly voice,



Travis: I turn around and chop it off!



Travis: I chop it off!

Clint: Quit chopping me off!

Travis: I'm gonna chop it off!

Clint: No!



Justin: Travis, that seems like a very personal character choice you're making for Dad right now. I don't think you should decide whether or not he wanders this earth as a one-armed dwarf.

Travis: No, I'm— but I want you to know that Magnus, in character, is screaming, "Let me chop it off!"

Justin: That's fine, but you can't say you chop it off!

Travis: I'm saying that in character, I have a history of arm removal.

Griffin: [cracking up] I will give Travis Advantage on this roll. He is an arm removal specialist.

Clint: Wow, that's a really good point.



Travis: I rolled 15 plus 7, 22.

Griffin: Okay.

[laughter]

Clint: You're chopping off my damn arm! Seriously!

Griffin: Noelle floats over to you, Merle, and opens up your helmet and puts a little wooden spoon in your mouth.



[someone in the background is laughing so hard they're snorting]



Griffin: And that is your last thought as a two-armed man, as Magnus brings Railsp— Magnus brings Merlesplitter down just above the elbow, and you hear a grisly cra- cra-snump.

[Justin is completely losing it in the background]

Clint: Wait wait wait, at least below the elbow, come on. Not above.

Griffin: He actually very artfully carves it just about where the crystal was—

Travis: I'm really good at this!

Griffin: Yeah. And uh, go ahead and roll damage, Magnus.

Travis: Okay. Let's see... two-handed... [dice] That is 7 + 6, so 13.

Justin: I feel like damage should be reduced, though. Because it's, he's not aiming to cause damage to Merle.

Clint: I don't want him to half cut off my arm!

Justin: I guess, but like— okay, well, I guess that's true, yeah. All right.

Clint: Matter of fact, when he brings the ax down, I'm throwing the arm up in its direction. I'm leaning into the chop.

Griffin: [laughing] Okay. "Whoosh! Clink clink clink!" Your arm falls to the ground, and Merle, make a constitution saving throw just to see if you can like, stay conscious during all this. 'Cause this is like— [crosstalk] This is fucking—

Clint: No! I don't wanna be conscious! I don't wanna look down and see my arm! [crosstalk] No, I'll do it. Constitution. [dice rolling]

Justin: This'll be a sick roll. You watch this. Nat- Natty 20, I can smell it.

Clint: No. Look at it, Juice. Look. What is it?

Justin: That's a critical miss.

[Travis laughs, lots of crosstalk]

Clint: It's a one.

Justin: Passed the fuck out.

Griffin: You're down for the count. Merle is unconscious now. He just falls backward, sees what's just happened and faints. And Killian and Carey have just, like, gotten through the ice and look over like,



Travis: Step two, somebody heal him.



[Various 'ah shit' reactions.]

Griffin: You hear Lucas say,



Clint: [moans]

Travis: I pick him up and I run in the med bay.

Clint: [sobbing moans]

Griffin: You pick him up Rescue 911 style and run him over to the med bay. Maybe singing a sweet lullaby to him? 'Cause he's scared?

Travis: [sings] Oh shiiiiit, sweet fliiiiiiips...

Clint: Wait a minute, who's carrying me, the guy that just chopped my arm off?! Or the guy that just let it happen?

Griffin: You basically just begged him to.

Justin: It happened really fast.

[laughter]

Justin: In fiction it happened really fast. I don't know how— uhhh, I will, as we're running, I mention to Merle that if we need a new arm, the good news is, he's got lots. [Travis: Yeah.] So if we could figure out a way to make that work? That would be rad.

Clint: [snide] Yeah. I'm unconscious, thanks.

Justin: Now, I'm not—okay, that's not what unconscious people say, but let's keep moving.

[laughing]

Justin: [Rodney Dangerfield voice, maybe?] "Hey, if you were lookin' for input from me, you're not gettin' it, 'cause I'm out of it!"

Travis: "I'm totally unconscious over here! Nothing to add!"

Justin: "I'm unconscious as hell!"

Griffin: Your whole party, the three of you— Merle, you're unconscious— with Noelle and Carey and Killian, rush in through the airlock towards the med bay as just chunks of this room that has become crystallized start to break up and start to— it looks like this thing is self-forming again, but you don't really stick around long enough to watch it put itself together into some sort of grisly monster.

Travis: With Merle's arm floating in the middle.

Griffin: Yeah, Merle's arm is actually part of the mix. You see this thing using Merle's arm as part of its form, but you don't really see how it ends up in the production. And yeah, you hoof it through the med bay. As you go through the airlock, before you actually get into the med bay, you reach a sign that says, “Decontamination Chamber,” and as you open it up, it's actually a pretty small chamber that has some medical equipment in it, and what looks like an observation bay, but this whole room has also been completely crystallized.

Travis: Ah, bummer.

Griffin: And as you pass through that, and through another airlock, you do actually make it into the med bay, and there you see Lucas, for the first time since you met him in the voidfish's chambers.



[wheezy laughter]

Griffin: Lucas— Lucas has a big bandage on his head? He has a big, like, bloody bandage on his head? But he says, like,



[Travis, Clint, and Justin all do comedy "Ah!" reactions]



Griffin: Before he can finish that sentence, Killian actually grabs him and picks him up. And is like,



Griffin: Carey's like:



Clint: Meanwhile, bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed!

Griffin: Lucas grabs him like,



Travis: I do it.



Travis: I put him on the table.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah, he starts to rustle around in a drawer—

Travis: Full of spare dwarf arms...

Griffin: It's full of spare dwarf arms, and he just like, sticks one on, and you're just fine. Uh, no, he actually pulls out a syringe and jams it into Merle's arm, um, and you— it regrows. No. It’s, uh... The bleeding starts to slow a little bit, Merle, you actually wake up a little bit, you gain a little bit of consciousness as you feel this needle go into you—



Griffin: But.. the… I can't tell if that was real or not.

Travis: He’s a very good actor.

Clint: That's 'cause I'm an actor.

Griffin: It was really terrific. But this thing is actually numbing your grisly wound pretty significantly. It's bringing you some pain relief. Not so much HP relief. But you're not in a horrific amount of pain anymore. And Killian's in the corner, she's using, she is speaking to the Director through a stone, and just like checking in, letting the home base know the situation, and Lucas asks, like,



Travis: That's pretty good.



[Griffin loses it]



[Justin laughing]



Travis: I turn to Lucas.



Griffin: He rustles around and gets another syringe out and gives Merle another shot.



Griffin: As you shout 'give it to me in my butt!' you feel much more sedated.



Clint: Bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed.



Clint: Bleed bleed bleed bleed bleed.

Griffin: He gets out a notepad, writes something down—

Clint: I bleed all over it.

Griffin: —and hands the note to Carey, and says,



Griffin: And she says, uh,



Griffin: —and she grabs the note and just darts out of the room with blinding speed.



Griffin: She's gone. [Magnus: Aw…] And he's doing some work, the bleeding is stopped, he's wrapped a big bandage around it— Merle— so it doesn't seem like Merle's gonna die, and he goes over to a desk in his corner and he starts tinkering with some stuff. He takes off his belt—



Griffin: And he's working with it, he's got this petri dish that he's like mixing some sort of fluid in... and he's like,



Travis: Late one night...



Clint: Let me say one more thing.

Griffin: Kay?

Clint: Hello, beloved fans of Adventure Zone, it's me, Clint McElroy. Please write and drastically protest the treatment of your favorite dwarf cleric in this episode. Thank you.

[Travis giggling]

Griffin: Um. Nah, I think, I think—

Travis: Listen, we've had a lot of fun here today, but I really just wanna drive home the point: take the doors off your refrigerators before you throw them away.

Clint: Because somebody can get their arm chopped off.

Travis: That's what it always leads to.



Travis: [over] Fading back into the ether.

[End theme fades in]

Justin: Hi. This is Justin McElroy. I'm an actor who plays the role of Taako on The Adventure Zone. I just wanted to say... I don't feel like I really did anything that funny this time around, [background laughter] but hey, get 'em next time, I guess...

[End theme music!]