Ep. 69: Story and Song - Finale, Part Three/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Hey! So. I’m Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your—your very grateful and very relieved cohost of the Adventure Zone Podcast. This is it! This is the last episode of our first campaign. We are wrapping up the story that we’ve been telling together for the last three years uh, in this episode 69, which is great! ‘Cuz that is the sex number! I am popping in here at the top of the episode to do our usual stuff, play in a promo and read some ad stuff because, uh, frankly, when I was editing the episode, there just really isn’t a good place to like add in a break for this sort of stuff. So let me do it now, and then I’m gonna go, and let you listen to the rest of the episode.

[commercial break - email adventurezonecast@gmail.com to ask questions that may be answered on the next The Adventure Zone Zone]

Let’s join our heroes as they take one final, fateful flight aboard the Starblaster. I—I still can’t believe they called it that. Talk to you next week.

{8:00}

Griffin: We see a close-up of Davenport’s face, his teeth gritted, his knuckles tight across the spokes of the Starblaster’s wheel. Next to him in the helm is Lucretia, still channeling the last bits of light out of the orb holding the Animus Bell into her staff, preparing the spell that will, she hopes, contain the Hunger once and for all.

And through the viewport of the Starblaster’s helm, we see Taako, Merle, and Magnus on the deck of the ship, bracing themselves on a railing as their vessel picks up speed. And over the bow of the ship, we see the Hunger, and it’s never looked so imposing, so invincible. Its scale is so incredible that as you fly ever closer toward it, it looks like it’s wrapping around you, its edges growing concave, threatening to swallow the horizon whole.

And from that black opal mass, hundreds of points of multicolored lights flash and, from those points, ribbons of darkness shoot out of the plane with wild, chaotic trajectories, and then fly to intercept your ship. And we see Davenport again, and he slowly lowers one of his hands to the throttle and holds it there. And he lowers his stance like a cat ready to pounce, and he waits.

And this circus of tendrils comes closer, flying at supersonic speed, and he waits. And the three of you see these tendrils just seconds away now, roaring towards you, and Davenport waits. And Lucretia looks up from her work and she says,



Griffin: And Davenport says,



Griffin: And the tendrils are nearly on top of you, and Lucretia says,



Griffin: And Davenport smiles and he tightens his grip on the wheel and he says,



Griffin: And Davenport throws the wheel to the right and rears back on the throttle and the ship rolls once, twice, thrice around the tendrils which stream overhead as the Starblaster weaves between them. Several dozen ribbons convene over the ship and soar downward, trying to ensnare it, and Davenport slams the wheel and throttle forward and the Starblaster dives, narrowly avoiding the tendrils as they crash into each other just overhead. Davenport grabs a spoke and spins the wheel left, then right, then left again, slaloming through thick columns of Hunger that sprout from beneath you.

And through the thick glass of the helm, the three of you hear Davenport, the greatest starship pilot who ever lived, just laughing. And then a second salvo of ribbons launch from the plane, only, they’re not moving erratically this time. They band together in a thick sheet, then swoop down and upward, forming a tidal wave dozens of miles high. And it’s right on top of you and Davenport shouts,



Griffin: And he pushes the throttle to full speed, as Davenport flies your ship right through the heart of it, attempting to punch through. And you’re inside the wave, and for a moment, your faces are illuminated by splashes of red, blue, green, yellow light. And then you’re through, with all the tendrils well behind you. Only on the deck of the ship in front of you, several puddles of the Hunger’s black opal material have splashed down onto the ship, and they lay inert for a moment, then vibrate, and come together to form one larger puddle, and from that mass, a figure takes shape.

It’s a humanoid figure, one with far more definition than the other shadows you’ve faced. He’s wearing a sharp suit, with well manicured hair, and though his body’s entirely made up of this black opal plasma, you can see his face: Merle, it’s John. But at the same time, it’s not John; his usual composure is gone. This monster in front of you is panting with rage, but for the moment, he’s simply standing at the ready, pulsating with heat and power. He’s ready to fight.



Griffin: This figure in front of you roars.



Griffin: John throws one of his arms, kinda to the side, and that arm, the sorta shadowy material that made up that arm, turns into just, a long, sharp blade.

[“Tarot” by Mort Garson ]

Clint: I look at John and I say,



Griffin: The three of you, as one, share a moment that few people in their lives ever experience. A moment of complete understanding of your life’s design. A calculation of the days you’ve lived and the hardships you’ve conquered and the joys you’ve received, all of which have brought you to your destiny on the deck of this ship, all of which made you ready for this, your final battle.

[Music swells]

Griffin: Let’s roll initiative!

[Music plays, and then fades]

Justin: 3. [Laughs] Let’s get it on!

Travis: [Also laughs] Uh, 16!

Clint: 19!

Justin: Nice! Good, leading the charge, this is how I wanted it to go.

Clint: Wait! And I have advantage so I roll again!

[Dice rolling]

Justin: Wow, two 19s in a row.

Clint: Two 19s in a row. So a 38!

Griffin: [laughing] With a commanding 38, Merle goes first.

Clint: Alright, I am, I am casting Mass Heal.

Griffin: A good start, cuz all of you are almost dead.

Travis(?): Yup!

Clint: A flood of healing energy flows from you into injured creatures around you. You restore up to 700 hitpoints.

Griffin: [surprised] Bullshit! What?!

Justin: Let me see, hold on...

Clint: Divided evenly.

Justin: Ha cha cha, that’s, well, okay, hold on, I don’t- I don’t think you have any ninth level spell slots. [crosstalk] It’s a ninth level spell.

Griffin: [crosstalk] You SUPER don’t.

Clint: Well, how about this: I use Matthias the Living Grimoire to use one spell I don’t know!

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Eat it! Eat it!

Griffin: I’m gonna- Okay, you hold up your robot owl, and as-

Clint: Matthias, I hold him up, I say,



Clint: 700 points dispel evenly, so that’s like, how—how many of us are there?

Justin: I mean, we can only go up to our max.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re only gonna go up to your max HP.

Clint: So everybody maxes out.

Griffin: Uh, this, okay I will let, I, yeah, this totally, yeah, the owl shines with a beautiful, brilliant light as you hold it up and sings its beautiful owl song, and all of you are healed, and with that, Matthias the Living Grimoire, the, uh, mechanisms inside of it, uh, stop stirring.

Travis: Oh no! Not Matthias, we’re already losing them!

Justin: The first death, who knew this would be so painful.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Alright everybody, heal up—heal up to full.

Travis: That’s a shame, because there’s already so much fanart for Matthias and merch for Matthias.

Clint: There will be now!

Griffin: Next in the order is Magnus, uh, Trav, the only thing I will ask is if you think you’re going to do multiple attacks, just like, in the interest of time, uh, try to- try and roll ‘em together?

Travis: Okay well, I’m going to do that.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: Um, so, I’m going to first attack by hurling the Chance Lance.

Griffin: Okay. [dice rolling]

Travis: 13 plus 10, 23?

Griffin: Yep, absolutely. [dice rolling]

Travis: That is 5 plus 5, that is 10 damage!

Griffin: Alright, uhh, you throw the Chance Lance, and it sticks into this thing’s stomach as you, uh, as it moves towards you menacingly. Do you recall it?

Travis: Of course I recall it!

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: And as I catch it awesomely in my right hand, I attack with the Raging Flaming Poisoning Sword of Doom for 21?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, that’s a hit! Roll that beautiful bean footage.

Travis: Oh, that’s not as good. Uhh, ‘cause I only rolled a 1 on damage, so that’s only 25 points.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: Well, I can’t summon angels. [crosstalk] I can’t send out waves—

Griffin: [crosstalk] Nope, no, all you can do is cut things very good with a very big, cool sword. As, uh, as it reaches striking distance from you, you recall the Chance Lance and without missing a beat you slash it across the chest, uh, leaving a sort of burning mark, uh, across it.

Travis: And I’m going to use Goading, uh Goading Strike when that lands. Umm, so you need to make a wisdom saving throw.

Griffin: Okay. [dice rolling]

Griffin: That’s a 21.

Travis: Didn’t beat 30, sorry.

Griffin: Wait, wait, wait, there’s no way that 30 is the saving throw on that.

Travis: My damage, my damage with the Raging Flaming Poisoning Sword of Doom was 25, plus 5.

Griffin: [reluctantly] Oh my god, okay, yeah. Jesus, this thing’s broken in so many ways. Uh, alright, yeah.

Travis: So now it has disadvantage on attack rolls against targets that aren’t me until the end of my next turn.

Griffin: Alright, expend the superiority die.

Travis: Yes. Yes sir, I will.

Griffin: Alright, anything else?

Travis: Uh, I’m going to move backwards to be with my boys again. [crosstalk] And then I’m done.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay. Alright. John is up next. Shadow John, as I have him saved in my document. Uh, for the first attack, he takes his non-sword arm, and just kind of like, swipes it in all three of your direction. Everybody make a dexterity save. [dice rolling]

Justin: 19.

Travis: 16.

Clint: 3!

Griffin: Uhh, Magnus and Merle, you both take 22 points of fire damage, as a streak of fire tears across the ground, catching all of you in its line. Uh, Taako, you get out of the way, but the heat from this fire is so tremendous that you take half damage from this attack, you take 11 points of damage. Uh, for his second attack, John walks through the fire, untouched, and brings up that blade arm at you Magnus, and swipes it downward. [dice rolling]

Griffin: 25 versus AC.

Travis: Ooh, that does hit.

Griffin: 27 points of damage.

Travis: I am going to use Parry [crosstalk] to reduce that.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay. [dice rolling]

Travis: That’s uh, 9, so what was it?

Griffin: 27, so that means, yeah 18 points of damage.

Travis: [mumbling] God I’m glad—hey, Merle, I know I give you shit; thanks for healing!



Griffin: Alright, next in the order is Taako! John—John is like right up with the three of you now on the deck of the Starblaster, and as you all are fighting, most of these, like, tendrils that shot out from the Hunger have sort of turned on a dime and are flying and are chasing the lot of you right now, and Davenport is kinda like, speeding away from all of them, as Lucretia continues to channel her spell.

{20:40}

Justin: Uhhhh, you know what, I’m going to start out classic.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Justin: I’m going to cast Storm Sphere, centered on, uh, John.

Griffin: I literally don’t think you’ve ever cast this spell before, so I don’t know how classic it is.

Justin: Well, classic in the terms of, just, hurt-y.

Griffin: Hurt-y. Hurty damage [crosstalk], yeah, sure.

Justin: [crosstalk] Bad, hurty damage.

Travis: [crosstalk] Oh I see, okay, hurty boy.

Justin: Um, each creature in the sphere when it appears, or that ends its turn there must succeed on a strength saving throw or take 2d6 bludgeoning damage. The sphere’s space is, uh, difficult terrain.

Griffin: Uh so I do that now? Since it appears on him?

Justin: Uh, yes. [dice rolling]

Griffin: That’s a 2!

Justin: So that’s not—

Griffin: That’s not gonna do it this time.

Justin: Not this time. [dice rolling] Uh so that is 9 damage.

Griffin: Okay!

Justin: And if there’s any—it’s a 20-foot sphere, so if any of those tendrils are up in there I’m gonna need them to roll, too.

Griffin: Yeah, I think- I think one of the tendrils just started to catch up to you and uh, Davenport was just a little bit too slow getting out of the way and just as it’s about to slam down it hits that sphere and it is like cast off of, of the ship and it goes flying away.

Justin: Okay, I’m going to go ahead and use a bonus action now as part of storm sphere to uhhh, throw a bolt of lightning at John.

Griffin: Alright, Storm Sphere!

Justin: Yeah, Storm Sphere is dope. [dice rolling] So that’s 21.

Griffin: Uh yeah, that’s a hit. With this lightning bolt. So Storm Sphere puts them in this shitty sphere that hurts to be in, but also you can put lightning at them?

Justin: Well I can throw lightning from the sphere or inwards towards the sphere, like whatever.

Griffin: That’s hot shit.

Justin: So that’s [crosstalk]—I am a wizard—15 damage from that.

Travis: [crosstalk] Well, he’s a wizard.

Griffin: Wow, fuck. All right. Trucking right along. Uh, next in the order, back up to the top—Merle.

Clint: I am going to cast… Blade Barrier.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: It creates a vertical wall of whirling, razor-sharp blades made of magical energy. It appears within range and lasts for the duration. You can make a straight wall up to 100 feet long, 20 feet high, 5 feet thick, or a ringed wall up to 60 feet in diameter, 20 feet high, and 5 feet thick. Uh, when a creature enters the wall’s area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn in there, the creature must make a dexterity saving throw. And on a failed throw the creature takes 6d10—

Griffin: Fuck.

Clint: —slashing damage.

Griffin: So what do I need to do right now?

Clint: Uh, I’m gonna cast it in a circular cylinder around John, and you have to make a dexterity-saving throw. [dice rolling]

Griffin: Uh, that is a 12? Probably not gonna cut it.

Clint: Nope.

Griffin: Okay. Go ahead and roll 6d10 slashing damage, Jesus Christ.

Justin: Dad, I got an app up for that. Let me just do it for you real quick, make our lives easier. 44.

Griffin: Fuck, wow! John. Uh, let me do some quick math, okay. All right! Uh, these blades fly inward into the storm sphere and, uh, lightning crackles between the metal as, uh, some of these blades in this wall move in, uh, and jab into John. I will say you guys are maybe making things a little bit difficult for Magnus uh, because you now have two sort of—bad zones [laughing] stacked on top of each other so if Magnus does move into those zones to do a melee attack on John—

Clint: But my zone is open at—mine’s open at the top.

Travis: Cool.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, alright. Well, now, next in the order is... Magnus.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: Also, if John stays in those bubbles then he is bad at this game that we call Dungeons and Dragons, my man.

Travis: So, if I move into those what do I have to do, and what’s gonna hurt me, and how bad is it?

Justin: Um…

Griffin: You’ll have to make two dexterity saving throws.

Travis: Kay.

Clint: Why don’t you leap in from the top, then you’ll only have to make one?

Travis: Because I am not, uh, a magic flying fighter.

Clint: Well you stole the damn shoes, that oughta make you able to jump.

Travis: That’s true… how tall is the zone you have made, father?

Clint: Uh, let’s say—

Griffin: No, the fuckin’ rules say, a ringed wall 60 feet in diameter, 20 feet high, and 5 feet thick. 20 feet high!

Clint: Aw, he’s done that easy! You could do it!

Travis: I do not have a vertical leap of 21 feet, Dad! [crosstalk] But thank you!

Griffin: I’ll give you this, I’ll give you this: you’re on a fucking ship, there’s probably a mast or something you could swing down off of, to avoid some of this.

Travis: All right, then I will use my grappling hook to do that.

Griffin: All right. Um, I will make you make an athletics check on the swing to avoid the, the blade wall.

Travis: Well, you didn’t say that! Oh no, wait, I’m great at athletics, okay cool, I’ve got plus nine to athletics.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: It’s a nat 20.

Griffin: On the swing? Yeah, [crosstalk], okay, you grapple-hook up to the mast on the ship—I think we’re playing it a little bit of Calvinball of this Starblaster’s design—and you swing down off of a rope, and you easily avoid the blade wall that you—I think it’s cooler if you just fuckin’ swing through it but avoid all of the blades.

{26:26}

Travis: Yeah, I do that. I enter “leaf on the wind,” or whatever.

Griffin: Yeah, sure, sure. Give me a Dex save for the storm cloud or whatever it’s called.

Travis: Dex save… [dice rolling] That is a 16 plus 2—18!

Griffin: Taako, does that save?

Travis: 18?

Justin: Uh, 18? I...

Griffin: Innit 20 now?

Justin: Hold on, I have it—I have it written down. Yeah, sorry Trav, I’m so good at magic.

Travis: That’s fine. I’m gonna use Indomitable to roll that again. [dice rolling] 16—oh it’s an 18 again. Okay, what do I take?

Justin: Uh, 10.

Griffin: Okay. Magnus, the scene is you swing down off the mast, you make it through all the blades, but as soon as you enter the Storm Sphere, it’s kinda like one of those plasma balls that you might find at a Spencer’s Gifts? You are just kind of like—a couple of bolts connect onto you and sizzle. And it hurts but it probably looks very fucking cool.

Travis: Um, so I’ve done the math as I’ve sat here. I can… do an attack and a bonus attack with my sword and offhand sword—so my Chance Lance and my Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom.

Griffin: You do have that ability.

Travis: Uh, and then I have two other attacks from extra attack twice, and then a third time because I’ve reached level 11. And then I can Action Surge to do a regular action and bonus action. So I can attack six times.

Griffin: All right. [Justin and Clint laugh] Why don’t you just roll 6d20?

Travis: Well, I have four, so I’m gonna start with that.

Griffin: All right.

Travis: So four Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom attacks,

Griffin: Jesus Christ.

Travis: Okay, 11 plus 10—21! 19 plus 10—29… 14 plus 10—24. 6 plus 10— 16.

Griffin: Three of those hit.

Travis: Okay, and then two from the Chance Lance… 3 and 10, so a 20 and a 13.

Griffin: Uh, one of those hits.

Travis: Okay!

Griffin: So three Flaming Sword hits and one Chance Lance hit.

Travis: [dice rolling] 8… 14… 21… plus 71…

Griffin: You can only do one bonus action per fight, right? I’m just trying to work this all out in my heaaaad, trying to create daaaanger.

Travis: Um, you get bonus action on your Action Surge. So I get— [crosstalk]

Griffin: And you only get one Action Surge a day, right?

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: Oookay. That’s what I wanted to know.

Travis: So, where was I at? 92—

Griffin: [painedly] Fuck off.

Travis: And then… for the Chance Lance [dice rolling] 6. So 98 points of damage.

Griffin: Alright, here’s [laughs]—can I paint it like this? You swing down off the mast, avoid the blades, and are hit by electricity as you sort of come down onto the top of this bubble, and you just like, fuckin’ dragoon jump with the Chance Lance and jab that into him. And then you immediately pull that out and do three—uh, two quick slashes with the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of Doom, and then one final stab right into John’s chest.

And when you do that, he just screams reflexively, and there is a burst of energy that comes out of John. When that burst of energy hits—uh, Taako and Merle, make a dexterity save.

{30:00}

Justin: 2!

Clint: 13.

Griffin: Uh, both of you take 18 points of damage. As he shouts, the wall of blades just kinda explodes outwards, and the two of you are caught up, um, in the- in the wave of blades as they’re sent out. Uh, the Storm Sphere also uh, pops, like a bubble as he sends out this wave of energy. And Magnus, you are knocked backwards off of your feet next to your friends. And when you all stand up, you see John, and he’s got the Raging Flaming Poisoning Sword of Doom buried in his chest. And he loses his footing, and he scrambles backwards away from your party, and he looks panicked and hurt and desperate. And he’s on his knees.

And then John pops to his feet. And he cocks his head playfully. And then you see John smile.

[Music starts]

Griffin: And then another pulse of energy shoots out of him, knocking the three of you backward, and suddenly John is surrounded by these tendrils of darkness emerging from his body encircling him and the sword in his chest. And soon, he is simply a swirling column of darkness standing 15 feet tall. And inside that mass you hear a deep and monstrous laugh.

And the column explodes. And where it once stood, you now see a nightmarish creature looming over you on the bow of this ship. It’s emerging from a black opal pool where it’s buried up to its thick, jagged torso. Two long arms ending in razor-sharp, three-fingered claws connect to this mass, its shoulders housing skeletal wings made of multicolored light. And that same light makes up a crown sitting on top of a head, and its face is now featureless. You now just see pulses of light from behind its pitch black countenance. And it lowers that face down toward the three of you, and screams.

And this monster pulls away from you calmly now, and the colorful streams of light inside of its body start flashing erratically. And then, suddenly, they weave out of its body to form shapes in the air. And you see four orbs, one red, one blue, one yellow, and one green, hovering several feet off the ground, rotating around this monster in a slow orbit. And having finished its transformation, John springs to attack.

Travis: Well shit.

Justin: Yeah. I thought we were doing very well, honestly.

Clint: Yeah!

Travis: Mm, I hit ‘im really good.

Clint: We’re not really as good at this game as we thought, maybe.

Travis: [quietly] Yeah.

Griffin: John is actually up first.

Justin: Shit.

Clint: He’s still John? [crosstalk] There isn’t a cool name for him, like DemiJohn, or-

Travis: [crosstalk] Ultimate John. Final John!

Griffin: Seph—Sephi—Sephi-John. [Clint and Travis laugh]

Griffin: Kef—Kefka-John. Um—sorry, I just had to move a bunch of stuff over as we started the final form. You knew—you all, you all knew there was gonna be a fucking Final Fantasy final [crosstalk] format—

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah I’ve played Final Fantasy. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

Griffin: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. First up, this this giant shadow, um, is going to swipe at you, Magnus, with one of its long, uh, razor sharp claws. It’s 29 versus AC, that’s gonna do it.

Travis: Ye—yeah. Yeah! Ye-ye-ye-yeah.

Griffin: Uh, that is 21 points of damage.

Travis: Whoa mancy.

Griffin: And you are knocked prone, uh, as this claw swipes into you. Um, next up, is—

Travis: Did you say 21? Yes?

Griffin: Yeah. Merle, it points a finger at you, uh, and you see this black cloud sort of surround its claw, and all of the sudden that black cloud is surrounding you also. Make a Constitution saving throw.

Clint: Hm. [dice roll] 13, plus 3 is 16.

Griffin: Uh, that is not successful. You feel a—a horrible pain as a black fire burns inside of you, uh, as you are caught up in this cloud of corruption. Um, you take… 33 points of necrotic damage, [crosstalk] uh, from this corruption.

Clint: [crosstalk] I’m dead. I’m dead.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Are you really?

Travis: [crosstalk] You’re not dead.

Clint: Yep.

Travis: How many hit points did you have?

Clint: 31.

Travis: Okay, you’re not dead.

Griffin: Uh no, but you are unconscious, and we’re gonna have to make some death saves for that. Uh, okay, after taking those two actions, the yellow orb flashes, and then John goes a third time, um, and with this, uh, it looks to you, Taako. Uh, and it—it screams at you, uh, and I need you to make a Wisdom saving throw.

Justin: Not my strong suit. [dice rolling] That is a 4.

Griffin: Uh, okay! You take…

Travis: Oh, boys.

Griffin: You take 28 points of psychic damage.

Travis: Oh my boys.

Griffin: Uh, and you are Frightened.

Travis: Oh, wait, guys—guys, I’ve played, uh, I’ve played Final Fantasy before, this is one of those fights we’re supposed to lose.

Justin: -posed to lose, yeah, okay, alright.

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: No this is—this is one of those fights that you think you’re supposed to lose, and then you lose it, and you get a game over screen, and you’re like, “Oh.” [Everyone laughs]

Griffin: Uh, you are Frightened. A Frightened—a Frightened creature has disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while the source of its Fear is within line of sight. Uh, the creature can’t willingly move closer to the source of its Fear. This is a very cool condition that we have never dabbled in before.

Justin: Attack rolls are not spell attacks, right?

Griffin: Uh-

Justin: Spell—attack rolls are combat, correct?

Griffin: No, a spell—a spell attack is an attack. Uh, if you do things where they have to make a save, that will be unaffected. Um… finally, uh, the—

Travis: Just to clarify, Taako how’s your health looking?

Justin: Not good!

Travis: Cool. But you’re still on your feet? [crosstalk] Or, hypothetically.

Justin: [crosstalk] Yeah, yeah, I’m on my feet.

Griffin: Um, okay! Uh, two more things happen real quick. The green orb flashes, and a wave of green energy comes out of it, and spreads, uh, across John and the rest of the orbs, and nothing seems to happen there. And finally, the red orb flashes, and everybody, uh, except for Merle, make a dexterity saving throw. [dice roll]

Travis: That’s a nat 20.

Justin: That is a...20 for me.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, a cloud of red flares shoots out of the, uh, orb, and launches at the two of you, and it looks really fucking bad. Uh, but you two both dance around the flares as they uh, crash and sort of skid off the deck of the Starblaster and you are untouched.

Justin: Nice.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Taako, you’re up!

Travis: [crosstalk] Nice, nice, nice.

Griffin: You are Frightened. You’re very afraid.

Clint: [crosstalk] Oh I can hear that.

Travis: [crosstalk] Um, even though- I will say that even though, oh, uh, Magnus has not been technically struck by a similar condition, uh, I would say that there is some, uh, fear present [crosstalk] there as well.

Griffin: [crosstalk] A normal amount of fear, sure.

Travis: Mhm, mhm.

Justin: Just a regular, non-magical amount of fear. [Justin bursts into giggles]

Travis: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Griffin: Uh, you can save for this for the end of your turn, you can roll to save, uh, but for this- for this turn, if you try to do an attack roll you will be at disadvantage.

Justin: But not- but not if I cast a spell that does not require- that requires him to save, [crosstalk] that is not affected.

Griffin: [crosstalk] Yeah. That’ll be fine, yeah.



Justin: I cast Sunburst. Right on his fuckin’ head.

Griffin: Okay. What’s that mean?

Justin: He’s gotta do a—a Constitution saving throw.

Griffin: Okay. [dice roll] That is a 15.

Justin: That’s not gonna do it.

Griffin: No, I didn’t think it would do it.

Justin: So I’m gonna need him to take, uh, 12d6 radiant damage.

Griffin: Woah, damn.

Justin: Lemme cook that up—lemme cook that up for you real quick, hold on. That is...46.

Griffin: Wow, okay.

Travis: Hot damn!

Griffin: He’s good still. Um…

Justin: He’s also blinded for the next minute.

Griffin: Um, okay. Does he get to save against [crosstalk] that—I guess not.

Justin: [crosstalk] Let’s do it. Nope, he already had his chance to save; it done passed.

Griffin: Okay, attack rolls against a creature have advantage and the creature’s attack rolls have disadvantage. Got it. Help me remember that please, I already forgot to do your scared disadvantage against the flare save, but that’s fine it’s in the past. Uh, and the—the attack hits the orbs also, right? Within everything within 60 feet?

Justin: Right. Right.

Griffin: Okay, and I roll a—what was it again, Dex save?

Justin: Uh, Constitution.

Griffin: Constitution. [dice roll] I’ll just roll one for all of them. Uh, as—as you cast the spell, the blue orb flashes, and the other three orbs are surrounded by this, uh, you see this magical barrier sort of strengthening them a little bit, and it’s not enough to protect them from this Sunburst. And it was a hit—46 damage, you said?

Justin: Yep. And they’re all blinded.

Griffin: Well, okay.

[Laughing]

Travis: Take that, orbs!

Griffin: They are magic orbs. Uh, okay, next in the order is Merle, roll a d20 for a death save!

Clint: And what’ve I gotta do?

Griffin: Roll a d20 straight up and down. If it is a—a—a 1 to, uh, 10, then it is a failure and you get one strike, if it’s an 11 to 19 you get one success, three successes and you’re stable, three strikes and you’re out. If you roll 20 you are awake.

Clint: It’s a 2.

Griffin: Strrrrriiiike one! Go ahead and mark that down.

Clint: Yeah, sure.

Griffin: Next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Okay, so all the bubbles are still there?

Griffin: Yes, they took some damage but they are all still there.

Travis: And we saw—like, uh, the blue one did something right, so that’s cont—like, I thin—

Griffin: The blue one flashed and the others and John were surrounded by this barrier, but it was not enough to protect them.

Travis: Cool. I am going to hurl m’ Chance Lance.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: At- at the blue boy.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [dice roll] That’s a 21.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s a hit.

Travis: And roll this guy. [dice roll] That’s- uh, 8 damage.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And I pop it.

Griffin: No.

Travis: Okay. [crosstalk] Uh, I rec-

Griffin: [crosstalk] It does- it looks pretty bad off. The blue orb looks pretty bad off. But it is still up.

Travis: I recall the Chance Lance, I done hurl it again.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: [dice roll] That’s a 19 plus 10, 29.

Griffin: [sarcastically] That one misses, it’s weird.

Travis: [sarcastically] Weird! Alright.

Griffin: No, it hits.

Travis: And that’s 8 plus 5, 18 damage- oh, I’m sorry, 13 damage.

Griffin: The orb is like- it was- it did look- it did like, look like a smooth orb before, and now it’s like, uh, it’s like rippling a lot. There’s like things like sort of peeling off of it and it looks like it is losing its structure a little bit.

Travis: ‘Kay, cool. I’m gonna hurl that- that done Chance Lance one more time at that blue boy.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: [dice roll] 15 plus 10, 25.

Griffin: That’s a hit!

Travis: [dice roll] That’s 7 plus 5, 12 damage.

Griffin: As you throw the Chance Lance this time, it sticks deep, uh, into this, like, plasmic substance that makes up the blue orb, and the distortion inside of it just goes wild, and, uh, jagged edges shoot out of it and then retract back in, and the blue orb implodes, and is gone.

Travis: Um, and so with my dual-wielding bonus action I am going to attack with- attack John,

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: With Railsplitter.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: [dice roll] 16 plus 10, 26.

Griffin: Mhm.

Travis: Okay. And then...that’s d8. [dice roll] Okay, so 7- I haven’t used Railsplitter- 7 plus 5, 12, then I’ll use Goading Attack,

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: With my superiority dice.

Griffin: What do I have to beat? What was your damage?

Travis: I’ll tell you in a second- oh, that’s a 10, plus 12- was that what it was?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: 22.

Griffin: And it’s wisdom?

Travis: Uh, yyyyyes.

Griffin: That was a 19 plus 5. 24.

Travis: Oh! You- you did it. You solved my Goading puzzle.

Griffin: Alright, you done?

Travis: [pauses] I think so.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: I can’t think of anything else to do.

Griffin: Uh, John is up next. Uh, and, first thing that John does is, from that sort of faintly glowing light inside of its face, a, uh, prismatic beam shoots out at you, Magnus. [dice roll] Uh, that’s a crit.

Travis: Ooh.

Griffin: Yeah this is gonna be really shitty.

Travis: Cool, cool. Cool cool cool.

Griffin: Uh, that is 48 damage as this beam of light strikes you. Uh...next he is going to swipe at Taako. [dice roll]

Justin: Eee-alrighty.

Griffin: Uh, that was only a 5, so.

Justin: Hey, my armor finally works.

Griffin: Uh, a 14? Does that hit?

Justin: What- yes, it does.

Griffin: Oh, really?

Travis: Wait, Griffin, isn’t he still blinded?

Griffin: Uh, oh yeah he is blinded! Thank you. Let me roll disadvantage against your crit, Magnus, thank you for reminding me. [dice roll]

Travis: Thank you.

Griffin: Okay, that was just a- a 25. But not a crit.

Travis: I mean that does hit.

Griffin: Yeah yeah yeah. But it’ll be less.

Travis: Oh yeah yeah yeah.

Griffin: Uh, undo that damage, and instead take...27 points of damage.

Travis: Okay. Woo, now- now we’re talkin’.

Griffin: Uh, Taako, let me roll disadvantage against- uh, oh okay, that is a 12.

Justin: Uh, that doesn’t do it.

Griffin: Okay. He takes a swipe at you, but you are able to avoid it. With that, the yellow orb flashes, and then John goes a third time. Um, both of you make a dexterity saving throw. [dice roll]

Travis: Nope. 4 plus 2, 6.

Justin: 19 for me.

Griffin: Alright, Taako gets out of the way, uh, but Magnus you are hit, uh, by this, uh, much much larger streak of fire that uh, stretches across the deck of the ship as he sort of waves a hand in- in your direction. Uh, Taako you get out of the way but you are, uh, hit, uh, a little bit by the sort of- splash damage of these flames. That is...uh, Taako- or, Magnus you take 24, Taako you take 12.

Travis: [quietly] Jesus Christ.

Justin: Oh nooo, I’m unconscious.

Griffin: Jesus. Alright, Magnus you see Taako go down. Let’s see-

Justin: Welcome to Justin and Dad’s side podcast, where we- {46:35}

Griffin: [crosstalk] Fucking, go join-

Clint: [crosstalk] Being unconscious is not as much fun as you might think.

Griffin: Go join Dave Foley at the losers’ table. [Justin laughs]

Clint: Oh man.

Justin: Cruel.

Griffin: No, it was like the [crosstalk] poker tour.

Travis: [crosstalk] No because he hosts it! Not because Dave Foley’s a loser! [all crosstalk]

Griffin: Yeah come on!

Travis: Griffin would never say that.

Justin: I meant cruel to- I meant cruel to us! [all crosstalk again]

Justin: I don’t care about Dave Foley-

Travis: Oh no, that’s fine.

Clint: I do care about Dave Foley.

Justin: I care very much [crosstalk] about Dave Foley.

Clint: [crosstalk] He’s a good friend.

Griffin: Next up, the green orb flashes, and...a wave of energy shoots out of the green orb, surrounding the remaining orbs and John, and they are all healed for 30 points of damage.

Travis: Okay.

Clint: Each?

Griffin: And finally- each. And finally, the red orb flashes, Magnus make a dexterity saving throw.

Travis: [quietly] Jesus Christ. [dice roll] Nope! 3 plus 2, 5! Goodbye everybody!

Griffin: Uhh Magnus? You take- not 51d10, that would be overkill. Uh, 35 points of damage.

Travis: Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! And I’m unconscious!

Justin: How many-

Clint: Hi Trav!

Justin: How many did you say, 35?

Griffin: Yeah. [Music starts playing]

Travis: Alright. Nap time!

Griffin: Uh, Magnus. You go down. And the three of you are unconscious. And as you fall, you hear, uh- you hear Lucretia from the helm. And she shouts, “Snake!” No. [Clint laughs]

Griffin: You just- you just- you just hear her scream, as- as Magnus, you lose consciousness. And as the three of you sort of drift away, the- the cacophony of this battle and the- the steady roar of the Starblaster’s flight, and the screaming energy that is just coming off of John’s body and his constant amused laughter, um, it grows quieter, and quieter still until the three of you hear no sound at all. [Music stops]

Griffin: And then in this place, in this- this dark place where you all are, you feel a warm and loving presence. Which one of you ended The Stolen Century with the most bond?

Travis: I think that would be...um, father.

Clint: I believe I did, I had 8.

Griffin: Uh roll a... d10.

Clint: Okay. [die roll] 4.

Griffin: Okay. Merle, you...you don’t know if you’re awake or not, you don’t know if you’re dreaming or not, but you hear a sound break the silence. And you hear the Bond Engine, in the back of the Starblaster, that ring that propels the ship- you hear it spin slightly faster, and it’s giving off a faint, almost musical hum. And threads of light weave around that spinning ring, until its interior is just bathed in this joyous light, and you feel someone calling to you from within that portal, offering you help. [“Bonds” starts playing]

Griffin: Who is it? [Clint laughs]

Clint: Anybody?

Griffin: Anybody.

Clint: Um,



Griffin: Um, you see him spring from—from the—the bond engine in the back of the ship, and—and time seems to slow down, and the scene around you, like, the—the unconscious bodies of your friends, and John’s, like, monstrous form and the orbs and the helm—everything is just gone, as Pan leaps toward you with his faun legs, and he slides to a halt next to you, and he reaches down and lifts your face up off the ground and he says,



Griffin: Um-



Griffin: He nods, and I think- I think the like, I think the effect here- and we’re gonna have to like work here to figure these out- but I think the effect here is based on your request, uh, group- group healing, uh, I want you to roll bond d10. So 8d10.

Justin: I got it Dad. I’ll do it.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Uh...looks like it is 56.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, Magnus, Taako, and Merle, this scene- Merle, this scene dissipates for you as Pan smiles and drifts back toward the portal, um, and then the light dissipates and you realize you’re feeling alright, you’re feeling pretty good. Uh, and Magnus, Taako, and Merle, you’re all healed for 56 points of damage.

Justin: Hell yeah.

Griffin: Merle’s-

Travis: Does that go from 0?

Griffin: Yeah from 0.

Travis: Or from- okay.

Griffin: Merle, you now have 7 bond.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: Next in the order is Magnus. Magnus, like, you kind of felt it too, in that unconscious place, but there is a presence inside of the Bond Engine that is calling out to you, almost as if, like, the world and everyone you’ve ever met is lending aid.

Travis: Um, I- yeah, I’m- I’m gonna summon.

Griffin: Um, roll d10. [dice roll] You wanna roll under your bond.

Travis: I rolled a 5.

Griffin: Alright. That’s under 7.

Travis: I’m going to summon the fighter who inspired Magnus to protect his friends, to protect the ones he cared about no matter what. Troth.

Griffin: [shocked] Oh, shit!

[Clint chuckles]

Griffin: You see the spirit of Troth leap forward, and you see this tiefling monk, this badass tiefling monk leap forward and you’ve- I guess you never saw her in this form, but there she is, and she looks badass, Magnus. She looks uh- she’s a little bit beefier than you are, even, and she helps you stand up from your place on the ground, um, and she points at John and she says- well what does she say, Justin?

{53:09}



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: Um, Magnus, roll 7d10.

[dice clatters]

Travis: Nine… ten… thirteen…

Griffin: Ah- d’you know what? Can I just roll it for you?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Fuck me.

Travis: What’d you get?

Griffin: Uh… [laughing under his breath] shit. And you got seven? That’s gonna be… okay. Uh, Troth leaps up and she- I think her spirit, it has like this staff, like a bo staff, but she fuckin’, like, drops it? As she springs through the air towards the, uh, red orb? And she, uh, unleashes a flurry of blows against it. And, um, suddenly the, uh, the- the red orb, uh, it- it looks the blue one did, like, right before it went... Like these jagged, sort of edges are coming out of it? As it’s starting to kind of lose its composure, and- and then she, and this scene, dissipate.

Um, Taako? I’m going to put you up next, uh, in front of John, uh, as you, sort of, get this round of- of surprise. I think John is kind of shocked as the- th- th- the circle comes to life and things start springing out of the bond engine, and beating the shit out of him. Um, and so, uh, you are going to go before he does.

Justin: Uh, okay. I’m going to re- yeah, I’ll do a bond attack. I don’t have a lotta bond.

Griffin: You have four bond so… roll good. [tiny dice clatter]

Justin: Two!

Griffin: All right!

Justin: Ayyyyy. Alright!

Griffin: M-M-M-Magnus, by the way, you’re down to six bond now.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Okay! Taako, who comes out of the portal?

Justin: Hey! I-



Griffin: Oh shit, yes!

Clint: Hi, Joaquin!

Griffin: Yes! Yes! Yes! Uh, you see-



Griffin: -Joaquin, like, comes through the portal, and he’s, uh, he’s floating on this, like, electricity that he’s shooting out of his palms downwards? As he floats down to you. He looks, if you’ll forgive me, fucking, like, super saiyan at this point? Uh, and he’s- he runs up to you, and he hugs you, Taako. And he’s, like



[Clint chuckles]

Griffin: Uh, whaddya want him ta do?



Griffin: Oh, f-fuck yeah. And… he…

Travis: Have him do the finger gun.

Griffin: Yeah, I had him do an Overwatch super in... the last episode, and I’m trying to think what another- ah, okay. I know what it is. I know what it is. I know what it is. I know what it is. He… launches himself upward, into the sky, on those beams of electricity, and he spr- he throws his arms out, and from his fingers, uh, ten bolts of electricity, uh, shoot down, and catch the three remaining orbs, uh, and John in their attack. Um, Taako, roll, uh, 2d10 plus- plus four.

Justin: [in Taako’s voice] Oookay. [normally] 21.

Griffin: Wow, fuckin’... good rolls. Uh, okay! Uh, John takes that damage and kind of, reels backwards, as these bolts slam into him. The green and yellow orbs are looking, not so great, but not completely, like, distorted, like, they’re just about to burst? Um, aaaand the red orb, a-a-again, just like you saw the blue orb do earlier. It flashes and those jagged edges shoot out of it and almost looks like- it looks like it’s about to like, jab into you, but then they quickly retract and the red orb implodes, and, uh, Joaquin, uh, waves from his- his- his place up in the sky and he says-



Griffin: And he drifts backward into the portal. Now it is John’s turn. Uh, first attack, he is going to, um, point at you, Magnus, and make a constitution saving throw as you feel that black cloud surrounding you.

Travis: Oh, I’m okay at that! [rolls dice] Hell yeah, that’s a twenty?

Griffin: Uh, that just saves!

Travis: Hell yeah.

Griffin: And you just sort of like- you feel this black cloud surround you and you just kinda like fuckin’ wave your arm like you’re fighting off a mosquito, and the cloud dissipates and you are not burned. Uh, for the second attack, uhhh Merle, he is going to use his monstrous scream on you. You feel this piercing, shrill scream come down from his featureless face, uh, make a wisdom saving throw. [rolling dice]

Clint: Uh, ten, plus...uh, plus three, so thirteen.

Griffin: Uh, that is not going to do it. You take twenty points of psychic damage and you are- you are Frightened. Uh, which means you have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while this thing is in your line of sight, and, uh, it cannot- you cannot move closer to it. Finally, the yellow orb flashes, and, uh, the- John takes a third action. I think with this one it’s going to shoot a beam out of it’s face at you, Taako-- [rolls dice] Uh, twenty-two? Versus AC?



Griffin: Uh, that is nineteen points of, uh, damage, as you are hit by this beam of light. Uh, with that, the green orb flashes, uh, and all three of them are healed for twenty-two points of damage.

Justin: We gotta get the green orb.

Clint: Yeah.

Travis: Mmhmm.

Griffin: We are back to the top of the order, now, uh, actually- now that that round is over I’m gonna leave it how it was, uhm, so, this round will be Merle, Magnus, John, Taako again. Now that the, like, surprise round is over. Um, so-

Travis: Uh, Griffin, if we wanna do...and you can cut this out - but when we wanna do Bond attacks, does that just count as an attack?

Griffin: No, that’s like your action for the turn.

Travis: Okay. Cool, cool cool cool.

Griffin: Um, Merle, you are up. Uh, Taako, by the way, you are down to three bond.

Justin: Right, yeah.

Clint: Uh, what am I down to?

Griffin: You are at seven. [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] You're now seven.

Griffin: Yeah, so you still have a very good chance to do this.

Clint: I...First of all, this is my turn, right?

Griffin: Yeah!

Clint: Okay, and if I use something, I can sti- that’s not necessarily an action, is it?

Griffin: Uh, tell me what you’re thinking.

Clint: I wanna use the Phone-A-Friend Scrying Bones.

Griffin: [chuckling] Okay?

Clint: I reach into my bag, pull out the Phone-A-Friend Scrying Bones, and, looking over them mystically, I pass the Extreme Teenage Bible over them, and they begin to glow-

Griffin: [chuckling] Okay?

Clint: And I’m allowed to- I’m allowed to ask the DM one question which he has to answer honestly.

Griffin: Alright, go!

Clint: So, have you had fun doing the adventure?

Griffin: [snorting] Yes, of course!

Clint: Great! Okay, now: I use my bond to summon-

Travis: You gotta roll first.

Clint: Oh, sorry-

Travis: d10, yup.

Clint: d10. ...Three.

Griffin: Uh, yeah! That’s good, that’s under your...your count.

Clint: Okay. Garfield the Deals Warlock.

Griffin: Whoof! I thought you were gonna summon me for a second, and I thought [crosstalk] I was gonna get pulled in, like, fuckin’, Pagemaster--

Travis: [crosstalk] I thought so, too!

Clint: Aw, let me do that!

Griffin: Uh no, no fucking way, that’s way outs-

Justin: Yeah, you could ha- [talking over each other, Griffin stops] You could have in canon summoned Clint McElroy. That is, actually, canonical.

Griffin: No, uh-

Justin: He was at the Tesseralia Losers peptalk, if you’ll remember correctly he was a janitor there, I believe.

Clint: That’s right!

Griffin: But that’s- this is, this is great. [music starts] You see the incomprehensible shape, the indescribable sort of indecipherable shape of [Clint laughs] Garfield the Deals Warlock, uh, spring forward from the portal, um, and, he- Garfield looks how Garfield looks as, uh, Garfield approaches you? And, uh-

Clint: Let’s describe him! It’s Garfield the Deals Warlock!

Griffin: Uh, Garfield says-



Griffin: What do you want Garfield the Deals Warlock to do?

Clint: …wow!

Travis: Ha! You didn’t think that far ahead?

Clint: I hadn’t thought that part out! [Travis laughing] Everybody else summoned something and they did it themselves!

Travis: That is not true!

Clint: I’ll tell you what: you got anything that might take out that green orb?



Griffin: He says-



Griffin: And he reaches down into a, uh, a bag of holding that he has on his back? And you see him, like, disappear up to his, like, thighs, as he dives down into this bag and you hear him rummaging around a bunch of stuff, um, and, uh, he leans out and he’s holding what looks like a grenade as he steps out of the bag, and he looks at you, as if he’s doing like a quick- like, cost benefit analysis? And he looks down at the grenade, and then he looks over at the- the three remaining enemies, and he says-



Griffin: And he pulls the pin out of this grenade, and he says-



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: And he flings it. Uh, and it hits John. Roll... uh, what are you at, seven? Uh, so we’ll say roll, uh- roll 3d10 damage.

Justin: I got you, Dad.

Clint: Okay.

Justin: Twenty-one.

Griffin: Uh, okay! Uh, all of them take twenty-one points of damage, those orbs are looking really bad now, uh, and- also, when the grenade hits the orbs, uh- it doesn’t seem to do anything extra when it hits John, but when it hits the orbs, they look like they turn grey, uh, for a moment, like some of their power has temporarily left them. And, uh, he drifts backwards through the portal and says, um-



[Justin and Clint laugh]

Griffin: And disappears. Uh, for this round, the orbs will not function. Uh, who is next? After Merle is Magnus.

Travis: Um, you know, I could attack, but I’m having a lot of fun with this Bond thing, so I’m gonna do that.

Griffin: Alright. [Travis rolls dice]

Travis: Three!

Griffin: That is a success! Who comes out of the portal? [music starts]

Travis: Well, Griffin, that would be our old elemental friend, Roswell.

Griffin: Fuck yeah.

[Clint cackles, Griffin chuckles]

Travis: Um, and- I, I, I make eye contact-

Griffin: What is- what are- what are they, are they in bird form? Or is there...

Travis: Oh, no. No no no, this is elemental clay person, and bird, together, as- as t’was meant to be-

Griffin: Oh, uh, okay, then I think the scene is that, um, Roswell comes surfing in through the portal on this mudslide, uh, that stops, like, just behind you, it like crashes over the helm and, and comes down into the deck, and, uh, uh, Roswell, like, flits up into the air as a, a, a earthen golem forms beneath them. Um, and Roswell says-



Griffin: Roll 6d10.

Travis: How many? What?

Griffin: 6d10. [music fades out]

Justin: Here, let me- let me do it, Trav.

Travis: Thank you.

Justin: That is a...forty-six!

Griffin: Plus six, fifty-two? Ah, Jesus, okay! Uh, I think, um, I think that Roswell’s, like- clay form sinks back down into that mudslide? And Roswell, the bird, just kinda flits over to your shoulder, Magnus, and then a huge fucking fist shoots out of the, um, mudslide, and moves towards, uh, John, and slams right into him, and, um, I think even though you- it’s just like lights, inside of John’s face? Like you can’t see a face? You get the sense that John’s afraid, for the first time, as this fist slams into them for a pretty enormous amount of damage. Um, and then the clay sort of recedes, uh, and John is still standing, uh, and Roswell says-



Griffin: And the mud recedes back through the portal, and Roswell flies back through the portal, and is gone. Um, next up is John, uh, first attack: Taako, they’re gonna- he’s gonna swipe at you. [rolls dice] It’s a twenty-six versus AC, but...disadvantage...[rolls again] Uh, nineteen versus AC.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Uh, eighteen points of damage?

Justin: Alright.

Griffin: Uh, and you are knocked prone. Um, second attack, uh, he is going to... Magnus, he is going to shoot his beam of light out of his face at you now, with disadvantage. [rolls dice] Uh, that’s a twelve, I don’t- it doesn’t matter what else I roll, uh, that is a miss, as the beam of light-

Travis: It bounces off the shield of heroic memories, [crosstalk] motherfucker!

Griffin: [crosstalk] Okay, and it- it blasts upwards away from the, uh, the deck. Uh, and then that’s it! The yellow orb- you actually see it flash faintly, but nothing happens. And the same with the green orb, it tries to flash, but- but nothing happens. And we are on to Taako!

Justin: Prone means I have to use my movement to stand up, right?

Griffin: Right.

Justin: So I can’t move after that.

Griffin: Correct.

Justin: Okay. Uh, what’s the layout, give me the layout of John and the orbs right now.

Griffin: Uh, the two orbs are sort of floating around him in like a lazy orbit, um, but they are- they are very, uh, they’re very close.

Justin: [chuckling] Alright.



Justin: And I wait until the orbs and John are in perfect alignment, and I cast Sunbeam.

Griffin: Okay. Give me that descriptione, my friend.

Justin: Uh, I raise my hand and a beam of brilliant light flashes from my hand in a five-foot wide, sixty-foot long line-

Griffin: [muffled] God!

Justin: Everybody’s going to make a constitution saving throw.

Griffin: Um, I’ll roll once for the orbs-- [rolls dice] Fifteen?

Justin: No sir.

Griffin: [rolls dice] Seventeen for John?

Justin: Seventeen for John, that is also a miss, that’s not gonna get it.

Griffin: Alright, what do you do?

Justin: Uh, that’s gonna be... thirty-seven points of radiant damage, and much like the best science on earth--



[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Griffin: Uh, okay. The two orbs look really bad. The two orbs, uh-- the two orbs which came back to life, like the color returned to them after John’s last turn? Uh, they are starting to lose their composure in a major way. Uh, and John- John still looks pretty sturdy.

Travis: So the orbs are there, and they were grey, and now they’re losing their composure in a major way.

Griffin: Alright, next in the order is Merle!

Clint: I prepare the, uh, the spell Mass Cure wounds.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: And, as I raise the Extreme Teen Bible, all of a sudden out of nowhere, in front of me is this, this vision-

Griffin: [laughing] Well, roll- well roll-

Clint: Well wait a minute! Well I’m not casting a Bond roll.

Justin: Well what are you doing?

Clint: I was getting ready to cast the spell! And just as I’m getting ready to cast the spell, all of a sudden in front of me, I see this vision. And it sorta looks like me, and only I can hear the voice, and it’s me, and I say-



Clint: And it’s gone.

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: Uh, what?!

Clint: Obviously a vision of myself from nine seconds in the future.

[Justin laughs harder]

Clint: I used the Globe of Recall-- the nine second thing that I got to go back in time in my mind nine seconds-

[Justin claps his hands, hysterical]

Clint: And instead of casting Mass Cure Wounds, I cast-

Griffin: Well- well, hold on, you have to- you have to fucking Bill and Ted this out!

Clint: Okay!

Griffin: You have to use it, and do it, or else it’s a fuckin’ time paradox and you’re gonna destroy the universe! I can’t believe I’ve given you this! I can’t believe I’ve given you this, this thing!

[Justin is still laughing]

Clint: How else is it supposed to work?!

Griffin: No, do it!

Clint: If I don’t use it to go back nine seconds and correct myself-

Justin: Now listen, technically speaking, Dad is- we are living in the timeline that the listeners would hear, is the Corrected Timeline- [bursts into laughter]

Travis: Yeah, this is Timeline B, this is the fixed timeline! They’ll never hear Timeline A, because it ceases to exist now!

Griffin: Do you know how much-

Justin: Right, we should record both timelines, that’s the paradox.

Griffin: That’s fair. Do you know how much sleep I would have lost if you hadn’t used this fucking ball? Suddenly you look in your possessions and it’s gone, you don’t have the ball anymore, what the fuck’s up now? It’s been used! Okay, now we’re back in- what, Timestream C, and what do you do instead of this?

Clint: Now can I do- Can I do another Bond?

Griffin: Yeah!

Clint: Okay. [rolls dice] A one.

Travis: Perfect.

Griffin: That’s good, for the Bond- Man you guys are crushing the Bond rolls. Okay. Who comes out of the portal, now that you have warned yourself from the future to not cast that spell and instead take this action? [music starts]

Clint: I summon the Voidfish.

Travis: Fisher!

Griffin: Um, both of them come out. Fisher and Fisher Junior, and-

Travis: It’s just Junior. I just want to make that clear, canonically, it’s Fisher and Junior.

Griffin: They drift slowly through the portal, um, toward the two of you, and Junior- Junior is sort of swimming through the air around you, Merle, kind of playfully, and Fisher moves over to you, Magnus, and puts a tendril on your shoulder, and, and sings a little song, and Fisher looks- great, like. Fisher was pretty badly injured the last time you saw, uh, the- the Voidfish before it disappeared, and now it looks- it looks healthy again.



Griffin: And Fisher floats over to you, Merle, and its child, and it hums at you, also. What do these two Voidfish do?

Clint: Aw, man!

[Justin Laughs]



Griffin: Uh, you hear a different song than one you’ve heard come out of Fisher? Uh, it is- it’s a furious, like, battle hymn. Yeah, you hear some fuckin’, like, death metal, come out of, uh, Fisher’s bell, uh, as the, uh, two Voidfish, one to each orb, uh, float over, and just start- Their tendrils grow, like, sharp, and they just start stabbing these orbs over and over and over again. [Travis claps in glee] Roll, I think- uh, 6d10? Is where we’re at?

Travis: I’m so proud!

Justin: Forty-four.

Griffin: Jesus! Uh, plus six, that’s fifty! Uh, they- they- they’re just like, stabbing them over and over again with their tendrils, in unison to the music, um, and then- uh, both of them jab all their tendrils all at once into the two orbs, and there’s no, like- distortion this time? You just see them spread their tendrils out very quickly and just tear the two orbs apart, and they are gone. And they sing their song joyfully as they drift backwards through the portal. Um, Magnus.

Travis: I am going to summon... [rolls dice] There’s a two, and, I’m going to summon the Power Bear.

Griffin: Okay. Um, you see it- you see the gigantic form- it almost has trouble fitting through the, the portal as it launches forward out toward you. Um. It’s not the twisted form that you saw before, and he is uninjured, it is just this glowing spiritual form, um, and the Power Bear looks at you, and then-

Travis: I bow.

Griffin: Uh, he laughs, a sort of gruff laugh, and he says-



Griffin: And he looks at Taako and Merle, and then he looks back at you, and he says-



Griffin: Uh, he looks up at John, and he says- and he starts to walk towards him, and he turns back towards you and he says-



Griffin: And then he turns towards John and he says-



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: And he leaps forward and smashes his claws into John. Uh, roll 6d10.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: I got you.

Travis: I- thank you.

Griffin: I think it might be 5d10? What did you-

Travis: Yeah, I had five left-

Griffin: Okay, 5d10.

Travis: Uh, that is, uh, thirty-eight points of damage.

Griffin: Uh, alright. Uh, John is knocked back a little bit from this, like, pool that he is standing in, and he reels and rights himself but is looking really bad off now? As he regains his composure, and the Power Bear, uh, floats backwards and says-



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: He looks at it and he says-



Griffin: He laughs, and he says-



Griffin: And he floats backwards through the portal and is gone. Next is John’s turn. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw as a streak of black fire streams across the ground. [rolling dice]

Travis: Nope, I get hit.

Clint: Eighteen.

Travis: Uh, nine. Nope, sorry, seven.

Justin: Eighteen.

Griffin: Okay! You, um, Magnus, and- what did you roll, Merle?

Clint: Eighteen.

Griffin: Okay! Merle and Taako, you both leap out of the way of the fire as it, uh, crosses the ground, and Magnus you are caught up in the flames, um, and Magnus you are hit for... twenty-two points of damage. Merle and Taako you are both hit for eleven as sort of the splash damage catches you.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: For his second attack, John looks at the three of you, and then looks at Davenport and Lucretia in the helm. And you see his face start to glow again, and a prismatic beam shoots out of his face, and it smashes into the Bond Engine in the back of the ship. And you see one of the panels that are sort of- that make up the ring around the Bond Engine, like, pops open, and a, a thick plume of smoke comes out, and there’s a crash. And suddenly the ship- you, you feel Davenport, like, have to, like, jerk to keep it steady, and the light that was inside of it is gone. And you feel yourself cut off from that warm presence that was there before. Uh, that is it for John’s turn. Taako?

Justin: Yeah? [Clint giggles]

Justin: Alright, I step up to John, and I look him in the eye, and I say-



Justin: And I cast Whirlwind.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: That’s a ten-foot radius, thirty-foot high cylinder, he’s gotta make a dexterity saving throw on it, and he’s gonna take a little bit of damage if he fails.

Griffin: [rolls dice] Yeah, he has disadvantage too, ‘cause he is blinded, and I rolled an eight.

Justin: Okay, well. I’m gonna need him to go ahead and scoop up forty-five points of damage.

Griffin: Holy shit. Alright, here’s the scene. Merle and Magnus, you see Taako step up and say bye, and stick out the Krebstar in front of him, and from his glaive, a column of green wind launches outward and connects with John. And you see John screaming and you--it almost looks like he is being peeled out of that portal as this wind is just kind of tearing him apart. But you also see Taako and it looks like the power and fury of this attack is knocking him off of his feet.

[Arms Outstretched music plays]

Travis: I put my hand on Taako’s shoulder to help brace him.

Clint: I throw myself down to wrap my arms around his legs to hold him to the ground.

Justin: I reach into my fuckin’ bag and grab my Immovable Rod. I’m not going fuckin’ anywhere.

Griffin: This wind is blowing all three of you backwards but you hold onto each other tight as these green winds continue to just tear, and tear away. As you sort of hold each other there, you see a single white thread appear and connect you, Taako, and Magnus, and then another one appears connecting Magnus and Merle, and then another forms between you, and another, and dozens more, and suddenly thousands of bonds are threaded between the three of you, filling you with power, Taako, as this wind lifts this monstrous entity up off the deck.

And we see the three of you huddled together cloaked in the light of these bonds, and in that light we see flashes of the past, of your orientation at the Institute of Planar Research and Exploration, of the year on the beach, and of the train and the lab and the time-sick town, and of Merle and Taako’s desperate rescue of Magnus from the astral plane in Wonderland. And then the light pulses one last time and travels through Taako’s attack up and into this monster who screams as the light fills them. And this light is shooting from its mouth and chest and fingers as it’s lifted higher and higher off the deck.

And then the light swells and consumes everything you see.

Merle. The white light starts to dissipate, and as it does you find yourself standing on a beach at sunset, and there’s a cool, gentle breeze coming up the coast as the tide rolls out, and the last of the sun’s light retreats past the horizon. And, sitting on his suit jacket, with his shoes off and his pant legs rolled up, with his feet in the sand facing the ocean, is John. And he’s human again. And he pats the ground next to him, and he says-



Griffin: You go and you move over to him and he says-



Griffin: And you sit there for a minute, watching the tide pull further and further away as the water rolls gently onto the shore, and the sun drops further and further behind the sea, and then the final sliver of sunlight is gone. And so is John.

Merle, you return from that vision and you are back with everyone else aboard the Starblaster, only...the ship’s not moving. Because you’ve reached your destination. The bow of the Starblaster is half-buried in the ground below, uh, which the three of you discover is just this ocean of shifting obsidian-black sand, that looks lit from below by these faint colorful splashes of light. This is where Davenport expertly brought the ship down on the Hunger and now you see him outside the helm, working to repair the damage done to the Bond Engine on the back of the ship. The ring that makes up that engine is spinning again, slowly picking up speed as Davenport continues his work.

And in front of you, the three of you see Lucretia, standing over the heavy metal orb housing the Animus Bell, and from that orb you don’t see any traces of the Light of Creation. All of it is inside of her white oak staff, which she is holding out in front of her with both hands. Her eyes are closed and you see that soft white light pulsating from her staff as she finishes casting the spell that will surround the Hunger with her barrier. And she doesn’t have that protective bubble around her anymore, and you realize that’s because it’s surrounding the entirety of the ship. It stretches outward a few dozen feet away from the vessel, and through the bubble you can see shadows surrounding you on all sides, just pounding away at the barrier, they’re climbing one another, forming these small hills of enemies who are growling and panicked and desperate.

And it’s taking a lot out of Lucretia to maintain this bubble. You see- you see beads of sweat dripping down her face as she attempts to finish casting this spell once and for all. And from behind you, you hear the Bond Engine hum back to life, and Davenport slams that, that- that hatch on the ring shut, and he shouts-



Griffin: And when you turn to face him, you see that sure enough the Bond Engine is back online, and you also see white threads stretching out from it once again. And Davenport says-



Griffin: -as these threads encircle him and pull him into the ring, and then he’s gone. And the threads weave together to show you something peculiar: you see a quiet forest with tall pine trees peppering the landscape. Um, and overhead in this scene you can see the Hunger filling the sky, and you realize what this final gift is that the Starblaster has given you: It’s a portal home. And Lucretia shouts-



Griffin: And then you hear a crash. And the muted screams of the shadows outside the bubble suddenly become much, much louder, and there’s a flash of light and as you look to the source you realize that the bubble surrounding the ship has ruptured. And this wave of shadows is toppling toward the Starblaster, and they crash to the ground, and suddenly the forces of darkness are clambering as one toward the ship and Lucretia, still casting the spell, turns toward you and she reaches out a hand--

And then this entire scene, the- the shadows, Lucretia, and this world of darkness all around you, it instantly goes greyscale, and it freezes. And there’s Istus.

[The Temple of Istus plays]

And she’s drained of color, too, now, she’s frozen in place in between the three of you, and she’s looking in your direction- her, her arms are down at her sides, her palms are turned up toward the heavens, and you realize she’s delivering on a promise she made you months ago. She is giving you time to decide what to do.

[“The Temple of Istus” fades out]

Travis: Um, well, eeyahhh [unintelligible sounds], if- if I may, there’s not even a decision for Magnus.



Justin: And I, I leap through the portal.

Griffin: As Taako passes through the portal, for the rest of you the scene in the portal, it changes, and you see Barry and Lup, just like, back to back, and they’re just fuckin’ the Hunger up. And the, the like- camera pans upward and we see scenes of just- everyone, fighting this fight. And you see Angus like, launch a beam of fire that, like, shoots through four shadows and burns them up, and you see- um, you see Hurley and Sloane’s battle wagon driving around, just like- brake-sliding into Hunger that explode into ash as they crash through them, and you see Klaarg and his family, like, run up a, a, a massive shadow and just start, like, picking it apart as they’re hanging off of it, and you see scenes of the world winning the fight.

Justin: Alright, I jump back through the portal.



Travis: And I give Istus, like, a double low-five, you know, like both hands, smack, yeah, let’s do this.

Griffin: As you do that, Istus fades and you see her disappear through this rift as she returns to the place and time where you first met her in her temple in Refuge months ago,

[“Lucretia (Reprise)” ]

Griffin: And, as time starts to catch back up to you, and the world regains its color, and you start to move toward Lucretia, you hear a voice through this rift say:



Griffin: And we see the shadows crest the bow of the ship, tearing toward Lucretia as she reaches towards you. And then we see her gasp as the three of you suddenly charge past her, crashing fearlessly into the horde. We see Magnus barreling behind his shield, throwing himself into the melee as he disappears inside the wave of shadows. We see Taako, charging past Lucretia, riding on Garyl’s back, calling down a pillar of fire as, he too, is surrounded by darkness. And we see Merle’s hand in the air as he reads a passage from the Extreme Teen Bible, and his words become rays of light that pierce the shadows as he is also overrun.

And we see Lucretia scream in protest, and then we see her transform — her head cranes backwards, her eyes turn toward the sky above, and this sharp wind sweeps around her, and a slender beam of light shoots from the end of her staff, and we follow it there, watching it sail up, and up above your final stand. Into the quiet sky. And then, light.

[“Lucretia (Reprise)” ends] { 1:31:41 }

Griffin: Merle, you feel something crawling on your back. Moving up to your shoulder, and you feel a small claw scratching gently at the hair on the side of your face. And- and that’s what you feel as you are the first to wake up and you- you’re lying on your stomach on soft, red carpet. And you- you reach up and you feel cold metal. And as you peel it away, you see something... Surprising. It’s Scuttlebuddy.

Clint: Scuttlebuddy!

Griffin: This- this little robotic bug is pinched between your fingers and it’s humming happily as you inspect it. It’s not just a Scuttlebuddy, it’s yours. It recognizes you.

Clint: Awww.

Griffin: It- it missed you. And it doesn’t take long to... Solve the mystery of why you were reunited, because as you look around you now, you realize you are sitting in the dining car of the Rockport Limited.

Griffin: And… I just realized as I’m reading this that it’s gonna make it sound like you guys like dozed off in the Rockport Limited and this was all a dream, but- [Clint laughs]

Griffin: No. Uh, Taako and Magnus you’re- you’re up now too and you see the same scene. You’re on the Rockport Limited passenger car, uh, all together. Uh, Lucretia is there too and she’s rubbing her temples as she, uh, rises to her feet. And this- this train car is just like you left it. There’s some luggage around that the other riders stowed during your- your trip aboard this train a, a year ago, um, and the- the window curtains are open and outside you just see white. Not- not like white light, there’s nothing- there’s nothing shining through these windows, it’s just an endless, empty, white space.

But it’s not completely empty. As- As you look outside, you see what looks like thousands of circles floating in this space at varying distances. And as you’re trying to survey what they are, one of these circles soars by the train, close enough for- for you to see what it is. They’re all planes of existence.

And... there’s a presence here, uh, in this train car with you. There’s- there’s no better word for it. You can tell that someone is here, and… That they’re not invisible, they’re just, like, in a place you can’t see. Like, they’re not up, or down, or left, or right, or in front of you, or behind you, it’s like they’re in a direction that you don’t know about, yet. But, they’re here, and you hear them say,


 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.
 * Taako and Merle: Mmmhmm.



[Clint laughs]

Griffin: He says,



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: Uh, Lucretia kinda waves, like, all around, like, ‘Hi? That was me?’ And this voice says,



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He says,



Clint: Ohh, that was so good.

Griffin: He says,



[Clint laughs]



Griffin: He-



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He… Laughs, and he says,



[??? Song ]



Griffin: And then the train that you’re standing on fades, and- and- uh, fades, and- and you all feel this- this world that you’re in, you feel yourselves leaving it, and that presence says,



Griffin: And… We see one of the shadows attacking Neverwinter stop in its tracks, and we see its form start to glow with a bright, white light. And then this shadow, along with all the others still standing, they all turn into light and drift slowly up and into the sky. And through that shadow’s form, we see Lup and Barry, back to back, and they drop their combat stances, and they witness their foes’ disappearance.

And the rest of the army reacts too as the Hunger is spirited away, and the- the massive tendrils above, they glow white also as they begin to peel backwards, away from the sky, splitting apart at the top into long branches that- that arc downward turning them into the shape of these great, light-filled, weeping willow trees. And then they explode in a shower of brilliant, slowly cascading balls of light. And, your friends are all bewildered by this scene, we see the lights reflected in Angus’s glasses, uh, across the windshield of Hurley and Sloane’s wagon, uh, on the polished sheen of Lucas’s Upsy mech, in the faces of everyone who put their lives on the line to defend this world.

And then we see them back on Barry and Lup’s faces, and then they look down, and standing right in front of them are Davenport, Lucretia and the three of you. Returned.

Griffin: And… and they move to-



[Merle, Taako and Magnus repeat ‘Jeffandrew!’ like members of a doomsday cult]

Griffin: And Barry and Lup step closer to the five of you... Um... And... their faces are just cast with disbelief. And… Lucretia and- and Davenport step closer to them and nobody’s saying anything but Lucretia- just a big smile spreads across her face. And she just… nods.

[“Let Them Know” ]

And, immediately Barry and Lup turn toward each other… And they embrace, as much as Lup’s spectral form will allow. And then Lup floats over to Lucretia and… She hugs her too, and Davenport walks up to Barry and gives him a- a big, firm handshake. And… They’re all… Celebrating the end of this thing that they’ve worked for for over a century. And they turn to you, and they- they quickly, quietly celebrate, too, and you see Angus walk out of the crowd towards you, and he comes to you and he says,



Travis: And I hoist him up on my shoulder, and I say,



Griffin: It takes time, as all difficult and important things do, for the world to recover from what was done to it that day. But it does recover, and not just that, it thrives. The City of Goldcliff was left in ruins after the attack but its citizens worked tirelessly to recreate its gorgeous skyline that stands over the wastes. The greedy principles that once defined this city were abandoned on that day when its people banded together and refused to die.

The bank’s coffers were emptied without hesitation in the rebuilding efforts and Goldcliff was reborn anew, its towers and people standing taller and prouder than they did before. It remains a destination for those who seek life's harmless pleasures. Folks come from around the world to rest their worries at its lofty resorts, but mostly, people come for the races.

The battle wagon teams banded together under Hurley and Sloane's leadership and their sport goes legitimate, and its participants become beloved by hordes of adoring fans. People have fun at these races now, and fun is a thing that people in this world are still getting used to.

Refuge was largely untouched by the catastrophe. Save for a rift that opened in the ground on the outskirts of town, and inside that chasm, explorers found a rich vein of diamonds that were undiscovered by Refuge’s former mining operation. Under Mayor Cassidy, the town citizens worked to safely excavate those precious gemstones. Refuge and its people find enormous success thanks to their newfound wealth; and are happy. Not because of their riches, but because of their compassion for one another. And that story is not an especially uncommon one in this world.

Neverwinter’s salvation took a tremendous amount of time and effort, but with the help of its citizens, the city was saved. Lord Artemis Sterling dissolves the council that managed the city for centuries- the former rulerships’ focus on wealth and power... just isn't suitable for this world anymore. Not after what they survived, not after the story they all heard. This, the largest city in the land became a beacon of equality and justice for the rest of the world to witness. They set an example that the rest of the world followed . And in that city, Lucas Miller founded the Academy of Arcane Sciences. A grand institution that works to democratize the vast amounts of knowledge that his family had assembled for generations. That school's star pupil was none other than Angus MacDonald, who enrolled on the day of the Academy's opening, and he worked tirelessly to better himself and, of course, to impress his teachers. He makes so many friends, he joins the soccer team! He's so grateful to all of you for everything you did, but this is maybe the most important gift that Angus MacDonald received. The gift of a normal life.

Davenport, still unsure of his place in this new world, finds his home at sea. He sails across the face of this world immersing himself in the cultures and customs of every port town he comes across. He lives a traveling life and is filled with such contentment. More than anyone else you’ve traveled with, he celebrates the very existence of this world that you saved. You receive postcards from him, quite frequently. He ends each one the same way: joyfully yours, Davenport.

Lup and Barry are visited by Kravitz soon after your victory, The Raven Queen cannot abide a pair of liches to walk the world in violation of the laws of life and death. But Kravitz, as he’s wont to do, strikes a deal between his new friends and his goddess. Lup and Barry join Kravitz’s ranks and work to hunt down those souls who escape the Astral Plane, seeking to do harm to the world of the living. It is a duty that Barry and Lup find themselves perfectly suited for and it gives them a purpose that fills them both with satisfaction. But in the Kingdom of the Raven Queen we see Barry and Lup and Kravitz hashing out the details of this job. And Barry smiles and says,



Griffin: And he reaches into his bag and he pulls out a piece of paper and he walks over to Lup and displays its contents, just two words ‘back soon’ and a mark at the bottom - the note was sealed with a kiss. And Lup looks up, kinda confused. And then we see that note floating and a tank of brackish green fluid, and then months later we see that tank explode as Lup in her body, once again, steps out and she drapes herself in a flowing red robe. And she looks up at Barry and says.



Griffin: And then she says



Griffin: And she does.

Travis: [laughs]

Griffin: Lucretia, against all odds finds happiness too. With the war won, she transforms the Bureau of Balance into a humanitarian organization that works to help the destroyed cities of this world get back on their feet. They provide aid to those displaced by The Hunger’s attack, and work to rebuild the villages that fell on that day. Carey and Killian are appointed as her head overseers in this task. Avi manages relocation efforts, Leon helps dispense funds from the organization’s treasury. Robbie- sorry, Pringles provides the snacks to the construction crews.

Clint: [Giggles]

Griffin: They’ve renamed the organization, The Bureau of Benevolence. They didn’t even need to change the logo! And Lucretia, who finally has a chance to do some good in a world that she knows will never be taken from her, ever again, delights in the good deeds that they perform. The world doesn’t just recover from the Hunger’s onslaught, it thrives, and in large part thanks to the unification they experienced on that day.

The world banded together to turn back the tide of this hateful consuming darkness, forming bonds with one another that could never be broken. They all heard the same song! They all heard the same story of heroism and selflessness, and they all took it to heart. And conflict still stirred from time to time in this world, but they never raged as long or as painfully as they could.

The world was saved from annihilation, but this, this betterment was the true legacy of The Day of Story and Song. [Song ends]

Griffin: It is one year later. We see a large temple made of intricately woven wood perched on a bluff overlooking the stillwater sea, which now houses several small wildflower covered islands that grew out of the body of The Judge who fell here a year ago. There are people outside of this Temple standing at small tables sipping cocktails and overlooking that sea, there are people dancing to a troupe’s music and children weaving through that dance floor laughing and holding hands in a chain.

And now we’re inside that temple in a large kitchen and Lup is sitting at a counter and she's holding a wooden spoon and she lifts it to her mouth and she tastes a bright red sauce and she grimaces overdramatically and she looks at you from where you're standing over the stove, Taako, and she says

Clint: [Snorts]



Griffin: She spits that sauce out and, I want this- I think it's a freeze frame as she like spits out this sauce as the two of you kind of rag on each other. And in this moment Taako, I want to jump back and I want to ask you what did Taako do in the year following The Day of Story and Song. I want to mention here like, I want you all to like, come up with this. I wanna know what happens to your characters from your perspectives, I also have what I'm calling ‘offers’ for each of you of like the world responding to what you did and I think together that that will probably maybe influence it or you can say ‘no, fuck your offer.’ I want to hear from you first, Taako, what-what have you done this past year?

Justin: Well, Taako realized that Sizzlin’ It Up with Taako is just too small, Taako is a name that’s on everybody’s lips thanks to the fact that everyone on every reality knows who he is so it's become more of a trans-media brand; it's a website, it's a Snapchat feed, [Clint giggles] and Taako-

Griffin: You’re joking but because like your fucking story reached the real world, there’s definitely a Taako Snapchat feed, there’s definitely a website for Taako-

Justin: What part of that sounded like I was joking?

[Griffin and Clint laugh]

Justin: So at this sort of spearhead of this sort of New Media Empire is Taako’s Amazing School of Magic. I say that I run it and Ren is my number two but really she does pretty much everything at the school, um, she's- she's she's really the one in charge but Taako visits when he can to the Amazing School of Magic and does demonstrations for the students there, but is honestly bit busy on the media circuit and promoting the lifestyle brand of Taako. It’s cookware, it’s fashion-you know it's pretty much everywhere and he has fully embraced Taako, Taako is a person for sure. But Taako’s also a license,

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Taako’s a label. You know Taako means so much to so many people he didn’t feel like it was right to keep that within himself, so he’s doing whatever the 100% exact opposite of that is.

Griffin: Is this in direct competition with Lucas’ school of the Arcane Sciences? I guess his more like a is more like a fucking like Tech Institute I’m envisioning and yours is more like Hogwarts it sounds like, but like, where every- there are no four Houses, just everybody’s in House Taako and they wear Taako t-shirts all the time.

Justin: Yeah, and the students at my school have to duel constantly. Like you have to duel to stay in the school. Like if you have a dispute, you know, want to hang with the real magic you have to beat someone in the school. It’s a very savage environment that is honestly widely despised by the students that attend it. But they know that they’re getting a quality education and that’s all that matters.

Griffin: Sure. You’re absolutely right, like Taako’s- Taako’s brand, like, is so attractive, like I said, not just in this world but in all worlds? And I sound like I’m doing a winky like self referential like ‘oh isn’t the Adventure Zone great’ but I like the idea that Joaquin probably is a public figure now in the world and helps sort of spread the word. Like yeah, Taako, he fucking gave me magic powers for a bit and it was radical and he saved the world and isn’t he so great. There are heroes now in that world, and they know you as one of them. Um. I’m gonna revise my offer a little bit, and let’s just work through it together because I think that I can make this work.

So, about a month after the Hunger attacked, you got a letter from the sheriff of Glamour Springs. Because after hearing your story from the lights in the sky, Sazed surrendered himself to the village court. And the letter details these events and grants you a full pardon for the incident that happened at Glamour Springs so many years ago. Um, and as Istus’ design would have it, later that day there’s a knock at your door, and when you answer it you see Ren. And she looks nervous as you answer the door, and she reaches out her arms, and she hands you a plate with a single profiterole on it. And you can tell that there’s some sort of magical enchantment on it. And I think that she just doesn’t even say anything, she just hands it out to you.



Justin: I take a bite.

Griffin: It’s- it’s magically delicious. I can’t believe we’ve never said that!

Clint: [Unclear audio in Lucky Charms leprechaun voice]

Griffin: Um. It’s extremely good. And you feel yourself magically warmed from within as you eat this incredibly delicious little puff pastry. And she- she sets the plate down on the bannister and she says



Griffin: And she reaches into her bag and she pulls out a roll of parchment, and she spreads it out on the floor of the porch that she’s still standing on. And you look down at it, and it is a proposal. It is, like- there’s blueprints on it and a business plan on it and all kinds of- all kinds of designs, uh. Logo work, graphic design, for Taako’s Amazing School of Magic. And she says, um.



Griffin: And she- yeah, I think she pulls out like a big diamond from her bag, too, and like sets it down on this roll of parchment. And she says,



Griffin: She stands up and, over this parchment, she reaches out her hand for a handshake.

Justin: I do it.

Griffin: And we’re back in the present, and we see Ren, now, come out of a back chamber of the kitchen and she’s holding a big pot of a stew that smells really amazing. And she comes in right as Lup spits this sauce out and she kind of freezes in place and then walks over to the stove and puts it down and she says,



Griffin: She says



Griffin: And she walks back into the kitchen. And Lup says,



Griffin: She tastes that sauce again and she smiles and she puts the spoon down and she says,



Griffin: And through the door out to the hallway you see Kravitz and Barry walking by, and they pop into the doorframe and Barry says,



Griffin: And Lup steals one more bite of food and says,



Griffin: And her and Barry disappear through the, the- down the hallway and out of sight. And Kravitz walks into the kitchen and he says,



Griffin: And he tastes the sauce and he smiles and he says,



Griffin: And he says, um,



Griffin: And he steals a kiss and he says



Griffin: And he walks out the hallway and you hear him bump into someone and apologize. And then, into the kitchen walks Angus McDonald, and he’s taller than the last time you saw him a few months ago; he’s been really dedicated to his studies at Lucas’s school. And you’ve, you know, been at your own magical academy and the timing just hasn’t really worked out. But, he beams when he sees you and he says



Griffin: He chuckles and he says:



Griffin: He says, uh..



Justin: And I just stand there in front of him with my hands open.



Travis: [laughs]



Griffin: He walks towards you and he says,



Griffin: And he moves in for a hug and-

Justin: And I whisper in his ear,



Clint: [laughs]

Griffin: He laughs as the two of you are embracing and he says



Griffin: And he moves away from you a bit and he looks you in the face; he says



Griffin: He starts to walk away and he turns back to you one last time and he says



Griffin: Merle.

Clint: Mm?

Griffin: You’re in a small vestibule of this temple and, you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, and you’re wearing some formal vestments and, just looking at yourself, and- and the figure that you see is so different from the dwarf who started this adventure years ago.

You reach down to your belongings which are laid out on the vanity in front of this mirror, and you snap in some cufflinks and you drape a stole over your shoulders. And, you look down at your Extreme Teen Bible, which you’ve had rebound in the year that’s passed, and you have a sheet of paper with your prepared remarks.

And in the mirror, you notice the door into this chamber creak open, and through the crack in the door you see Mavis, kind of like, sighing, and then you see Mookie slip in through the crack and sneak up toward you trying to surprise you. What do you do?

Clint: [sarcastically] I cast Z- no.

Griffin: [laughs]

Clint: What? Turn and throw my arms open!

Griffin: He jumps towards you to like, tackle you, like just as a- a surprise tackle but you turn and intercept him in the air and you grab him in an embrace and again, time freezes. And, I wanna know what Merle did in the year following the day of Story and Song.

Clint: Okay. Well, Merle looking back on the- all of the epic times he had as one of the Tres Horny Boys, realized that there was nobody- there were people teachin’ magic obviously and- but there was nobody who was preparing the next generation... of adventurers.

Oh yeah, the world’s a lot better, but it’s not perfect, and it’s still gonna need people to go out and right wrongs, and defeat evil, and make a lot of money doin’ it. So, he started a company, and it was a great way for him to travel with Mavis ‘cause she’s almost of age. And they took Mookie along, sorta like, as a sidekick. And he called ‘em- he was going around and taking young people on adventures.

Travis: [laughing] Taking them from their homes.

Clint: Well, I mean, with their parents’ permissions, sorta like summer camp. But he called ‘em “Extreme Teen Adventures,” and with this he would go from village to village, town to town, get a group of these young adventurers, and share his vast knowledge of clerical [crosstalk] behavior and battle.

Griffin: [crosstalk] [chuckling] Okay.

Clint: And uhm, teachin’ them how to be a great warrior.

Justin: It’s just a- the logo is just a picture of Merle with like a Ghostbusters’ circle line through it. Just like, do the exact opposite of what I did [crosstalk] every intersection.

Clint: [crosstalk] Teaching by example.

Travis: Each class takes about five minutes and “...that’s all I’ve got, goodbye!”

Griffin: That’s- that’s great, so-

Clint: Mookie and Mavis and I travel from town to town taking young people on adventures.

Griffin: That’s awesome, okay so I- I’m gonna revise my offer for you also, ‘cause that’s really good. And, change it to sort of offer a different sort of base of operations for this. What is the- what’s it, Merle’s Extreme Teen Adventures?

Clint: Ya, Extreme Teen Adventures.

Griffin: Okay, so, I’m gonna say like recently, like, um, a month ago, or so. Like eleven months after the Hunger attacked, you’re spending a quiet morning at home back from one of these trips and, you’re sort of planning out your next Extreme Teen Adventure and I- I think it’s a wildly successful operation, right? Like, first of all, everybody in this world knows who you are, and knows that you are a hero. You cannot get a better marketing campaign than [crosstalk] that.

Clint:[crosstalk] Right, yeah.

Griffin: But also like, everybody wants their kids to learn from you; everybody wants their kids to like, become better. And so, this operation’s like really successful and I think it’s like growing a little bit faster than you can manage out of your house. So it’s eleven months after the Hunger attacked and you’re spending a quiet morning at home, and there is a knock on the door. And, when you go to answer it, two big burly guards fill the doorframe. And they glower down at you, and they don’t say anything.



Griffin: Uh, they- the two of them part, and you see Lord Artemis Sterling, the leader of Neverwinter, standing behind them. And he waves when he sees you, a little nervously, and he says,



{2:10:53}



Griffin: He comes in and he immediately walks into the kitchen and he starts boiling some water and preparing what smells like a spicy cinnamon tea and he says,



Griffin: He laughs and--

Travis: I just want to say, canon, I would imagine that Taako and Magnus actually try to call Merle all the time, but like he forgot to turn his Stone of Farspeech off of silence. And so like--

Griffin: That is so fucking true to life and I love it. Um, he walks into your living room, and he hands you a cup of tea and sits down with you and he says,



Griffin: He, uh, one of the guards hands him a big briefcase, and he puts it down on the table, and he pops it open, and he pulls a few things out of it. He retrieves a small, sealed roll of parchment and a quill and an inkwell and then a map that he unfurls on the table, and then a big bag that, as he plunks it down, you can hear that it’s full of coins. And he says,



Griffin: And he motions down to the map and you see a long stretch of coastal region on the western edge of the continent, and as you inspect it closer, you realize the area depicted is Bottlenose Cove, the beach resort town that you and the boys visited months ago, in our first live show episode. [Clint giggles] And Artemis says,



Griffin: He says,



Griffin: He says,



[Justin laughs]



Griffin: He sighs and he reaches down to that, um, that scroll of parchment and he pops it open and he takes the inkwell and dips a quill in it and scratches a few things out, fills in a couple of other things, and he says:



Griffin: And he reaches a hand out over the table.

Clint: I shake his hand!

Griffin: And I think the next thing we see is Bottlenose Cove, and it is in pretty rough shape, and I think down the beach, we do see, uh, we do see Lord Artemis Sterling, like, with his sleeves rolled up, like, trying to figure out how to build a bar, uh, on-on the beach, and we also see your estate, and it’s all ready for you, and it’s right next to the guild hall that a large team of people are building, like right next door, and you can see the sign hanging over it that says “Merle’s Extreme Teen Adventures.”

Um, and in the estate, it’s this huge manor built into the cliff wall that runs along Bottlenose Cove, and we see you plunk down a big stack of boxes on the veranda of that estate as you start moving into your new house, and on the beach you see Mavis and Mookie both running up, um, each carrying their own box, and Mookie trips up the stairs and he throws his box down onto the veranda and he runs into the house, and you hear him yelling from inside, like:



[laughter]

Travis: Mookie’s the best!

Griffin: And he runs out, and he tugs at your sleeve. He says:



Griffin: And then he sprints back inside. Um, and Mavis finishes climbing the stairs and she carefully sets down her box, and she says:



Griffin: And you both hear a crash from inside and you hear Mookie in the distance just yell,



Griffin: And Mavis smiles and she says:



Griffin: She… smiles and she says,



Griffin: And she comes in for a hug, and she says,



{2:18:58}

Griffin: And back in the present, you catch Mookie in your arms, and Mavis moves into the room, and you set Mookie down, and Mavis wipes some dirt off of his face. And looking at you, she says:



Griffin: She says, uh:



Griffin: And she grabs Mookie’s hand and the two of them walk outside. And you look outside, and you see the last few attendees shuffle through the large double doors into the main hall of the temple, and from behind you you hear a door open and shut. And when you turn, you see Killian. And she’s wearing a beautiful floral tunic and a silk sash, and her hair is up in a tall bun with an emerald hairpin. And she’s wearing the rosewood ring that Magnus gave to Carey over a year ago. And she smiles, and she says:



Griffin: I think she just ignores that, and she comes and stands next to you in front of the vanity. And you’re both looking at yourselves in the mirror, and she says:



Griffin: She smiles, and she kneels down, and she puts a hand on your shoulder and says:



Griffin: And she stands up, and walks out into the empty hall, and Merle, you make your way out too, and you go through these large double doors, and walk down the aisle of this congregation hall to the lectern at the front of the crowd, and as you do, you pass by familiar smiling faces in the audience.

You see Angus, who puts down a large book as you walk by, and he looks like he’s about to tear up already, and he’s sitting with Mavis and Mookie, and Mookie tries to stand up on the bench that they’re all sitting on and bounce up and down, but Mavis grabs his hand and pulls him back down the bench and she gives you a thumbs up.

And you see Lucretia sitting in the front row with the rest of the Bureau employees in attendance, and she just smiles softly and makes eye contact with you, Merle, and she lifts her hand up to her heart for a few seconds, and she puts it down. And you see Lup, and she’s got her arm around Barry, and she makes this big gesture and flashes an ‘Okay’ symbol at you and she winks, and Barry kinda chuckles.

Sitting next to them are Taako and Kravitz, and Taako, just as things are about to start, Kravitz reaches down and takes your hand in his, and it’s warm. And the two of you lock eyes for a while as Kravitz smiles, and he turns his eyes back toward the lectern. And Merle, you also walk by Magnus.

Magnus, you feel something small hit you in the back of the head, and you see a small pebble fall to the ground at your feet, and when you look behind you to discern the source of this rock, you see a side-door into this grand hall cracked open, and you see Carey inside. And she’s looking at you with a stern face, and she motions you towards her and she slips away behind the door.



[Laughter]

Griffin: You see Lucretia turn to look behind and, like, look at you, she just kinda shakes her head and smiles and turns back forward as you creep your way toward that door, and you walk through it into another vestibule, and you close it behind you, and when you look up, you see Carey. She’s wearing this silver dress with an ornately patterned dark blue vest over it, and she’s wearing a circlet of the same flowers that match the pattern on Killian’s tunic, and she’s wearing one half of the BFF necklace that you gave her, and she smiles as you enter, and she says,



Griffin: And, I think, as the two of you are standing there, looking at each other, the scene freezes, and we find out what Magnus has done in the year following the Day of Story and Song.

Travis: So here is what Magnus has been doing. Similar to Taako and Merle, he has also opened a business-slash-school, on the remains of Raven’s Roost, he has built a school where he trains in protection, so that the students can go out and protect the people that need them, and he has become a dog trainer, specializing in working with Scottish Deerhounds.

And he trains service dogs to protect and serve those that need them. And with him is his constant companion, the largest, the smartest, the bravest of any dog he has ever trained, who he has named Johann. And Johann is his constant companion, never leaves his side, and together, they make the world a better place through training animal companions.

Griffin: Alright.

Travis: And the name of this school, by the way, is “Hammer and Tails.” [Laughter.]

Travis: “Hammer and Tails [A Dog’s School].”

Griffin: A school for dogs.

Travis: No, a dog’s school. With an apostrophe in there, somewhere.

Griffin: Um, I don’t really have the same offer for Magnus that I did for Taako and Merle, I just have a question, which is, how does Magnus die?

[long pause]

Travis: You know… I kinda envisioned him from the beginning as like, a guy who was looking for a cause worth dying for, and I’ve always kinda envisioned this kinda big Blaze Of Glory moment, and then, somewhere along the lines, he became… I realised that he had found something worth living for, and the relationship between Taako and Merle and all of his friends and stuff and what he was doing, started to trump that, became more important. I wanted him to live, I wanted him to survive. And so, if you had have asked me three years ago when we started, I would’ve said he died epically in battle.

Griffin: He got eaten by a dragon that he tried to fight by himself. [crosstalk]

Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, something like that. But now, I actually think he dies peacefully of old age. Um. Calmly, and holding in his hand, his wife’s wedding ring. That’s how Magnus dies.

Griffin: And other folks are there too, this is just, like, - Taako and Merle are there too, that’s just how dwarf and elf age work, you got old before they did, and they’re there too, and they’re with you, and Lucretia is there with you, and she is much, much older, I think she is sitting in a chair at your side. Carey and Killian are there, and Carey is holding your hand in hers and she’s smiling, and she’s just saying,



Griffin: And Davenport is there, and he’s at the foot of your bed, just smiling warmly, and he places a hand gently on your leg. And Angus is there, and he’s all grown up! He’s so upset, but he’s trying to force a smile for you, Magnus. Barry and Lup are both there, and they look so happy for you, they are this force of reassurance, all of your friends that you have known for over a century, who’ve been with you, and have loved you for so long are all with you. They’re all ready to say goodbye. You are surrounded by friends as things gets hazier and hazier in a way you’re kind of familiar with. And then, in a flash, the world is clear, and there’s Kravitz. And looks like Kravitz, he’s not in his reaper form, but nobody else seems to see him in this moment, and he reaches out his hand and takes yours, and he helps you to your feet, and he says,



Griffin: And the two of you drift away for a while, and then we see the two of you in the astral plane, and you’re standing on these still waters, and below the surface, you see millions of these swirling lights stretching downward into infinity, and in front of you, there’s a small island.

And on that island is a wooden cottage that has clearly been crafted with expert hands. There are windows of cut glass that are half-open, letting in the gentle breeze that’s blowing over these waters, and there’s a workbench out in the yard, and the walls of the home extend upward into a loft, and on top of the house is an earthen roof covered in lush, green moss, and Kravitz turns to you as you’re standing on the water and he says,



Griffin: And he walks away, and the door to the cottage opens, and two dogs come bounding out, and one is a large, old bloodhound who’s moving kinda slow as he plops down in the yard, and the other is a Scottish Deerhound, and it takes you a second, but you realise that it’s Johann. And he’s moving much faster than he did when he got older, and he’s running around the yard all excitedly and he jumps over the sort of slower bloodhound as it lays in the grass.



Griffin: And then there’s Julia.

[Music swells.]

Griffin: She’s carrying a ladder and a hammer, and she’s got some nails that she’s holding in her mouth, sets her tools down on the workbench, and she goes to set up the ladder on the side of the cottage, and then she stops, and she turns, and she sees you, Magnus. What do you do?

Travis: I-I just stare at her. Not in a dumbfounded way, not in a I-can’t-believe-it way, but just. I can’t not look at her.

Griffin: She sets her tools down, and she smiles, and she says,



Griffin: I think she starts running towards you, and you start running towards her, and you embrace in front of this house, and the two dogs are just kind of weaving around your feet as you stand there for what feels like hours, and-

Travis: I whisper in her ear,



Griffin: She laughs, and she says,



Griffin: And she pulls away from you, and you’re both still pretty tearful, and she motions towards the cottage, and she says,



[Laughter]



Griffin: She says,



Griffin: And she smiles and says,



Griffin: And she walks back towards the house and opens the door and she whistles, and the two dogs go bounding back inside, and she turns and smiles at you, and she steps into the cottage.



Griffin: I think you’re telling this story to her as you walk into the house, and the camera just kind of zooms out as we watch you walk through the yard towards the door, reciting this story, and we see you one last time as Magnus rushes in.

[Music fades.]

Griffin: And we’re back in the present, and you see Carey, and she’s just pacing nervously in this vestibule and she starts to speak kinda frantically, she’s like-



Griffin: She stops pacing, and she catches her breath and she looks over at you, and she’s got some tears forming in her eyes, and she grabs a cloth and blots them, and she’s like,



[Magnus chuckles]



Griffin: And she gives you a hug. She says,



Griffin: And she pulls away from you, and she blots her eyes one more time, and she says,



Travis: And Magnus says in Thieves Cant, “Are you ready?”



[Music starts]

Griffin: And that door opens, and Magnus slinks back to his seat as that troupe of musicians take their place beside the lectern and start playing. And we see, at opposite ends of the room, two doors open up, and Carey and Killian step out of them.

And everyone rises to their feet, and we see Carey and Killian lock eyes and smile, and both start tearing up, and they begin walking slowly toward the front of the hall, and then we see the smiling faces of their friends and family in the audience, and then Carey chuckles, and starts walking faster, and Killian sees her and starts moving faster, and soon they are both running at full speed, turning the corner as they reach the ends of the aisles and they crash together in front of the lectern, and Killian lifts Carey off the ground in an embrace, and she lowers her down, and they kiss. And they turn toward the audience and smile sheepishly, and everyone kind of laughs through their own joyous tears, and then Carey and Killian turn toward you, Merle, and they nod.

And we see them all now in this temple overlooking the sea, celebrating this moment of peace, and love, and joy, as the camera pans up to show the scope of the audience in attendance at this wedding, and we see the faces of the people who fought for this day, and we feel their longing remembrance of the ones who died for it, and they’re in attendance too, in a way.

The day of Carey and Killian’s wedding was full of laughing, and dancing, and feasting, and loving. It was one of the happiest days of all of your lives, and even happier days were to come, because that was the world that you made. That was the ending you earned.

[Music fades] [Different music starts]

Griffin: And then the camera pans up, and up, above the temple, above the world, past the sky, and into the space beyond your plane, and there, drifting between the planes that once again dance around one another in a harmonious orbit, we see Fisher, slowly swimming away from your home.

The lights inside of it are swirling and shining brightly, as it sings itself a song as it drifts through this place, its tendrils spinning slowly around its body, and then it stops and turns backward, and sees its child swimming behind, and Fisher waits for them to catch up, and it does, and Fisher wraps its tendrils around Junior, and Junior nuzzles into the form of Fisher, and they both glow in unison.

And then they separate, and Fisher nods its bell, and takes one of Junior’s tendrils in its own, and they start drifting away together now, slowly, out of sight, looking for new worlds to explore. Looking for new stories to tell.

[Music fades.]

Justin: Thus ends the Adventure Zone: Balance, the story of four idiots that played D&D so hard, that they made themselves cry.

Travis: Yep. [No Dogs on the Moon plays.]

Travis: Did you guys cry?

Clint: Shut up!

Justin: I cried at how hard we played Dungeons and Dragons.

Travis: That’s fair.

Clint: Can we play again? Can we play again?

Travis: Yeah, we’re going to keep playing -[crosstalk]

Justin: Let’s play again, different, let’s do it different this time.

Griffin: This time, I’ll be a… sorcerer.

Justin: No, different game. We just played Dungeons and Dragons for, it feels like weeks.

Travis: EUGH.

Griffin: It was three years. World of Warcraft? Should we all get really into WoW?

Travis: Yeaaaaaahhhhhh.

Justin: We could do WoW, that’s fine.

Travis: Or we could do Magic the Gathering, I think that’ll be unpleasant to listen to because I think it’ll just be a bunch of, like, shuffling sounds.

Justin: Yeah, and the pizza we ordered should’ve been here around January 20- [Laughter]

Justin: I’m fucking starving.

Clint: And, you know what, thank God for Coke Zero, and because it’s the- What? So much has changed.

Justin: So much has changed, Coke Zero is gone.

Griffin: How long have I been asleep!

Travis: Time to cut off this giant beard I’ve grown.

Justin: This giant beard - if anyone is listening here enjoying this, please send mops for the just unfathomable amount of urine that I have coated this - the playroom in.

Travis: Wait, is it weird that I haven’t peed this whole time?

Griffin: In three years? Travis, go to the emergency room now.

Travis: Well, I think I’ve just started sweating it out. I also haven’t consumed any liquids though, so like.

Griffin: Oh, then you’re good then. Just kidding, you’re not good, go to the emergency room right now.

Justin: Yeah, this is serious.

Clint: And my whole beard is coated with Cheeto dust.

Travis: That’s normal.

Justin: That’s normal.

Clint: Everyday is like that.

Griffin: That’s his everyday state of being.

Griffin: Bye, everybody!

[NO DOGS ON THE MOON PLAYS OUT]

THE END