Ep. 4: Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Four/Transcript

Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

Griffin: Last time on The Adventure Zone:

Justin: Gundren was sold or given to someone named “The Black Spider”.

Griffin: Gundren and his two brothers, the three of them have a claim to the-- the lost mine of Phandalin. The cave’s called Wave Echo Cave - and I know that’s a silly name. You manage to find your way to the entrance of Wave Echo Cave. You see the body of a dwarf: it is, uh, it’s Tharden, Tharden Rockseeker, one of the -

Clint: My other cousin.

Griffin: Yeah yeah yeah. He died!

Justin: I search Tharden’s body for valuables.

Griffin: You notice that his boots are Magic Boots of Striding and Springing. … Hanging from the ceiling a giant, uh, black blob-mass...

Clint: I’m gonna hit it with my warhammer.

Griffin: The jelly just sort of splatters and you send a dwarven figure just flying. You recognize it as Nundro Rockseeker.

Clint: I’ll drink from the spring.

Griffin: You can actually all take this opportunity to, uh… take a little spring break, if you want. Oh shit -

Clint: Spring break!

Griffin: I didn’t even think about that!

Clint:  Let’s all go see Kenny Chesney!

Griffin: That’s who you’d wanna see!?



[THEME MUSIC: "Déjà Vu" by Mort Garson]

[1:48]

Justin: Are there, uh, exits here on this level?

Griffin: Yep! Yeah yeah -

Justin: I mean, we came down the elevator, where are the exits?

Griffin: Um, there’s just one. Uh, around this sort of path leading around the spring. Uh, at the end of the path is actually a big iron door, the - the first door that you’ve, uh, seen in this cave. Um, uh, it is fortunately unlocked, you guys can go in fairly easily -

Travis: Does it say push or pull?

Griffin: It says something in Dwarven.

Clint: Which means “egress”.

Travis: Okay.

Justin:  I speak Dwarven, what’s it say?

Griffin: It says -

Clint: I speak Dwarven!

Griffin: Uhh, it says “pull”.

[ Justin, Travis and Clint laugh ]

Clint:  Should we check the room before we leave?

Griffin:  Uh, it’s not really a room to speak of, it’s really just the path leading around the spring. Um. There - there’s not -

Travis: I pee in the spring.

Griffin: Aww, you do?

[ Clint and Justin laugh ]

Clint:  Well, no more drinking outta that!

Justin: Okay.

Griffin:  Are you sure - you didn’t.

Travis: I didn’t.

Griffin: Okay, good.

[ Pause ]

Clint: I do.

[ Justin snorts, Travis laughs ]

Griffin: Oh gosh…

Justin: I leave.

Griffin: [to Clint] You do and it actually, it responds to your pee. It responds to Rockseeker piss.

[ Travis and Justin laugh ]

Clint:  Thank you. Oh well, that was kinda what I was assuming.

Griffin: Yeah. Every - Any body fluid that you’ve got in your body is sacred to this -

[ Travis and Justin start laughing again ]

Griffin: - this here mine.

Clint: I am going to spend the rest of my game here.

Griffin: Here--

[ Justin and Griffin talking over one another ]

Griffin: Just spittin’ and -

Justin: I wanna leave! I want - I go -

Griffin: Here. Just spittin’ and pissin’ -

Justin: I walk out the door, I walk out the door.

Griffin: Okay, you go through the door. What follows is actually sort of the longest stretch in this - this cave that you guys have been through, and you get the idea, just sort of from how this tunnel has been carved out, that this is like the heart of the - the mining operation in Wave Echo Cave. This is where they were excavating, uh, ore that they, y’know, were ostensibly turning into, uh, magical weaponry, um -

Griffin: Um, you actually - a - all three of you just sort of know this. So you’re just kinda being an ass.

Travis: I just sorta know it.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: And I’m like, I’m kinda nodding like, “Yeah. Yeah, we know.”

[ Clint and Travis talking over one another ]

Clint: Yeah, can we -

Travis: No I just. I feel it in my bones.

Clint: And we can’t hear you because of all the damn coins jingling in your bag!

[ Justin snickers ]

Griffin: Um. Uh. Y - you guys are making your way, uh, through this cave uh, and - or, through this tunnel. And you -

Clint: Can - can we - as we walk through, can we talk?

[ soft dice clattering ]

Griffin: All of you - yeah. Um…

Griffin: Yeah yeah!



Griffin: Oh this would be a perfect opportunity, I - I, it is a very - I don’t know if you guys have ever walked through a mine before: it’s a very long stretch.



[ Justin and Travis talking at the same time ]



Travis: Stop singing Kenny Chesney.



[ Travis and Clint laughing ]



Griffin: Are you saying the content of the adventure that you -



Griffin: Okay.



Clint: Today the part of Taako’s being played by Emo Philips!

[ Griffin and Clint laughing ]



Klaarg: I miss you guys too!

[ Clint laughing ]



Griffin: He’s right behind - no. Uhh, you -



[ Travis laughing ]



Clint: I’m going to throw an awkward throw?

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I rolled a twenty.

Griffin: Yeah, everybody critical’d on the awkward throw.

[ Justin giggles ]

Clint: Nineteen.

Griffin: Listen, this is just like… y’know how sometimes you go to a work party -

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin:  - and you try to talk to the people there. But it’s tough, y’know? You guys are co-workers right now, you’re not friends, you’re seasoned -

Travis: I show Merle and Taako inappropriate drawings that I got from a girl at another village and they get real - get real skeeved.

Griffin: Yeah, I - and so are - is me and so are the thousands of people listening to the show right now.



Griffin: Great.

Justin: Okay, are we at the end of - oh my god, this cave!

Griffin: Yep. You’re at the end of the tunnel. It took - it took you guys four days to get through it.

[ Travis laughs ]

Griffin: Four days of just nudies. Uh, and it sucked. It was the -

Clint: And eating mushrooms.

Griffin: It was the worst -

Clint: Eating mushrooms and nudies. This is like college again.

Griffin: It was just shrooms and nudes and it sucked and it was the worst four days. Um, you ac -

Travis: But we grew closer as friends.

Griffin: You didn’t - that’s -

Clint: But somehow we’re stronger.

Griffin: That’s the shitty part: you didn’t even do that.

[ Clint laughing ]

Griffin: Uh, you make it to the end of this tunnel and you reach, um, a - a very strange room. Um. It is - the- the floor of this room, it is a - uh fairly large circular room. The - the floor of it is just this massive grate. Um, that looks super, super solidly built; it looks like the kind of thing you can stand on, uh, without worrying about it collapsing under your weight and you know that because, uh, on - on one side of the room, uh, is a bunch of super, heavy-duty-looking mining equipment.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Um. There’s - there’s what looks to be some sort of like… medieval-fantasy jackhammer. Uh. There’s - there’s a lot of handheld equipment like pickaxes and stuff like that.

The centerpiece of this room though, is this giant like… uhh, grinding machine? It’s got - it’s got two rollers just sorta covered with spikes, uh, that you assume just like people put stone in and it grinds down to fall through the grate, um, that - that makes up the floor. It is this huge thing and you see that and think, “well, if the grate can hold up that thing, then we’re probably aces.”

Uh, surrounding the room, uh about eight feet up is a sort of wooden ledge that circles the room that maybe somebody could overlook this grinding room from very safely. There - The only exit from this room is actually up there, on that ledge, on the opposite side of the room that you guys just entered from.

Travis: Can we see down through the grate?

Griffin: Uh. You can, it goes down a - a very, very long ways; you- you’re pretty sure you can’t see the bottom of it.

Justin: Is there a ladder, or anything, up to the - the ledge?

Griffin: Uh, there, uh, there is, yeah. Uh. On the other side of the room, where the exit is.

Clint: Is there any sign of Short Round and a bunch of kids in turbans running around?

Griffin: Uhhhh… oh I - sorry, for a second there I thought you were makin’ - doing a Goonies thing. Um…

[ Clint laughs, Justin groans ]

Justin: Uh, I climb the ladder.

Griffin: As you actually walk into the room, the door on that ledge opens, um, very quickly - it was kicked open - uh, and exiting from it is a young orc woman, uh, who is holding, uh, the biggest crossbow any of you have ever seen in your lives and -

Travis: I point at her and say,



Griffin: Uh. And she has - she has this crossbow levied on you. Uh. She is - she is totally, totally ready for you, um, and as you enter the room she points her crossbow at you and just sort of stands there looking at you quizzically.

[ pause ]



[ Clint laughs ]

Griffin: Uhm, she’s just sorta sitting there like… you hear her go like,



Justin: In Orc-ish, I’m assuming, or in Common, or - ?

Griffin: She’s uh, she’s speaking in Common, yeah.

Justin: Excellent. Uh -

Travis: I bow deeply to her.

Justin: I say,



[ Justin and Griffin talking at the same time ]



Justin: -and then I think about, ugh, kinda cliche.



Griffin: This is her speaking,



Justin: Well -

Clint: May I say something?

Griffin: You can do whatever you want.



[ Griffin and Clint talking at the same time ]



Clint: And offer a Watch Tower.

[ Justin snorts ]

Clint: Okay, um -

Griffin: [ close to laughing ] What d’you mean?

Justin: Dad’s witnessing.

[ Travis laughs ]

Griffin: You’re spreading the good news of Marthammor Duin?

[ Justin laughs ]

Clint: Yeah!

Justin: [ still laughing ] Great opportunity!



Griffin: [ small laugh ] Is this your character “development?”

Travis: Yeah.

[ Clint laughs ]

Justin: Griffin, when you said development just now, were there air quotes? Just want to make sure.

[ Travis laughs ]

Griffin: Yeah, sure.



[ Clint laughs ]

Griffin: Uh.



Griffin: She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small, sort of, uh, handheld… uh, I don’t know, it looks like a game show buzzer and she clicks it down with her thumb and a ball of light emits from it, uh, and shoots into the air and very quickly zaps the crusher in the middle of the room.

Travis: Mmhm.

Griffin: Um. The - The, um, the wheels of which begin to spin. The rollers, the crushers inside begin to, uh, activate, uh, and then the crusher itself seems to move. It seems to animate, as if it has just been brought to life beyond its normal, um, mechanical capabilities, uh, and it’s causing quite a clatter and quite a racket, uh, and when you look up from it the orc woman is gone um, and has, uh, taken the ladder with her, it looks like.

Travis: I know what to do. I contact C-3P0 and ask him to turn off all the compactors on this level.

[Laughter]

Griffin: Uhhhh... so we’re gonna actually go to initiative.

Travis: Against the crusher? [big, long sigh] I got a… twelve.

Justin: Cha boi got twenty.

Clint: I got one.

Griffin: [soft] Woof.

Travis: Damn.

Griffin: Um. So this thing is deafening. It’s very, very, very, very loud. Um. There are some chains sort of hanging on the wall that are just sort of shaking and rattling, um, there are chains on the ceiling that are sort of shaking and- and rattling, there’s, uh, a mine cart on the other side of the room that is shaking around like this thing is super, super, super loud, um, and it is alive and it looks hungry and angry and, uh… Taako, you’re first in the order.

Justin: Excellent.

Clint: Is it moving?

Griffin: Oh yeah.

Clint: In our direction?

Griffin: Mmhm.

Clint: Of course.

Travis:  Does it look to have some sort of, like, controlling area, like you would see on a - a - a - a like… like, construction equipment?

Griffin: Like a big, red, glowing weak point?

[Clint laughing]

Travis: No, no, no, I mean like you would have someplace to control it, if it’s a machine, is there like some sort of control panel or anything?

Griffin: No, this is a- it doesn’t- it’s just like a grinder. It’s not like an exosuit, it’s not supposed to be moving in this way. It is not supposed to be alive - this is abnormal, this is a very powerful magic that you guys have never - never witnessed before.

Travis: Cool cool.

Justin: I cast... Thunderwave.

Griffin: [intrigued] Thunderwave?

Justin: How close is it?

Griffin: Uh, It is - it’s very close to you guys, it’s about eight feet away.

Justin: Perfect, okay. I cast Thunderwave. You have to make a constitution saving throw.

Griffin: ‘Kay. What kind of damage does Thunderwave do?

Justin: That is going to be 2d8 thunder damage.

Griffin: Okay... uh, and what am I saving against?

Justin: Constitution.

Griffin: Uh, this thing has plus two constitution. I rolled an eight, that’s a ten? Maybe?

Justin: It’s a thirteen, so no.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, yeah, I’m - it is thundered.

Justin: Okay, sooo… we’re gonna take 2d8 thunder damage... [dice rolling] Woah, eight! Eight! Sixteen…

Griffin: Holy shit -

Justin: - thunder damage and it’s gonna get pushed back ten feet.

Griffin: Uhh… Really good news: this thing is actually weak against thunder damage.

Justin: What does that mean?

Griffin: It means you did double damage.

Travis: Woah -

Justin: That’s thirty two!

Griffin: Yeah that’s a -

Justin: Woah!

Griffin: - that’s a big goddamn hit.

[ Clint giggles, Justin makes an explosion noise ]

Griffin: Uhhh. Okay -

Travis: I hit it with my thunder axe.

Griffin: Haha -

Justin: How sweet does - Griffin, can you describe how sweet it looks when I do this?

[ Travis laughs ]

Griffin: This thing was charging you, about to grab you with its, uh, mighty, mighty jaws, uh, that would have probably turned you into ground beef, uh, if you knew what ground beef was, which you don’t, um, or else you would know one of the - the legendary secrets of tacos. Um.

[ Justin snorts ]

Griffin: Uh, and just as it was about to make contact, you give it the ‘ol Fus Ro Dah and, uh, send it flying across the room effortlessly like a - like you just punted - an empty two-liter of Diet Mountain Dew.

Travis: When he- when he does this, Magnus just turns to him, mouth agape.



Griffin: But it’s still alive, and it’s still threshing.

Clint: Gah.

Griffin: Um. And… next in the order is, uhh, Magnus.

Travis: Can I - can I get behind it?

Griffin: Um. It’s actually up against the wall now, because you just - it was just tossed.

Travis: And how high is the ceiling?

Griffin: Uh, the ceiling is about… twenty feet high? The ledge, the wooden ledge above you that the ladder was, uh, stolen from is about eight feet up?

Travis: Great. Uh, and how low are the chains?

Griffin: Uh, the chains from the ceiling? They’re hanging down about, uh, hanging down about - we’ll say about ten feet.

Travis: Great.

Griffin: There’s also chains on the walls, um, that are on the level with you, that are just sort of hanging on - on hooks.

Travis: Great, great. My magic jumping boots, do they let me jump higher?

Griffin: No. You’re not Larry - You’re not Larry goddamn Bird.

[chuckling]

Travis: Do my Larry Bird boots let me jump higher?

Griffin: No, you haven’t found the Larry Bird boots yet. You’ve only found your, magic jumping loafers.

Travis: [laughs] I take the chains down, as many as I can carry.

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Travis: And - and I’m... just gonna heft ‘em into the grinder.

Griffin: … Okay! Uhh. You don’t even need to, actually, make a roll for that; I’m assuming that you can confidently, it’s a big - it’s a big target. Uh. You toss the chains into the grinder and -

Travis: And as I do it, I raise my - my shield, to protect my face. It’s my moneymaker.

Griffin: Okay. Yeah.

Clint: Always gotta take care of the face.

Griffin: That’s a good call, too. You throw these chains into the thing and it was not built. For that. Uh, you gum up the works. You gum up the gully works. Uh, and it’s - it’s almost like it just tears itself apart from the inside out. It is just in a - a heap of - of, shrapnel. Uh, the - the rollers are just torn asunder, uh everything is just flying all over the place. You hear- It sounds like a hailstorm on your, on your shield. Uh. And - and when you look up there’s just a heaping pile of debris that, horrifyingly, is still sort of. Sort of rumblin’ around. But it is - it is, uh, decidedly, uh, taken care of.

[Clint triumphantly laughs]

Travis: Kudos all around, gentlemen.

Griffin: Yeah that was a - that was a very quick uh, quick grinder battle.

Justin: But, uh, I wanna make a perception check -

Travis: The orc woman leans back in to go “I was like - Oh, shit.”



Justin: I wanna make a perception check to see if the idea of, like, what I was thinking about what would have happened to us if we had gotten caught in that; I wanna make a perception check to see if, the concept of ground meat would occur to me.

Griffin: Um… You…

Clint: That’s justified.

Griffin: I’ll give you half - half of the first clue that will lead you to the secret of ground beef. You understand that, if - if a thing were to be ground, it would be more easily digestible? And probably would be easier to season. But you haven’t unlocked the seasoning secrets yet.

Justin: [through laughs] Okay.

Clint: This is a quest to -

Travis: Taako’s just furiously writing down notes.

Griffin: This is the first step - You understand the concept of grinding.

Travis: He’s just circled “Ground? Question mark?” like eight times.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Aw, if we’d had a cow here…

Griffin: Well, that’s the thing, you wouldn’t even know that beef would be the thing to grind, right? You could be like -

Clint: Yeah, but it would have been a heck of a thing to throw in it.

Griffin: No, it would have been sweet! But you didn’t have that on hand, so you might be thinking about -

Justin: Alright, I wrote that down. I understand grinding.

Griffin: Ground rocks? Ground water? Can you grind water? You don’t know, you’re so goddamn stupid.

Justin: About tacos.

Griffin: About tacos specifically.

Clint: Who would have ever thought it was not chain proof?

Travis: I did.

Clint: … I know.

Travis: I would say that Magnus did.

[sound of a soda can being opened]

Griffin: Uhm…

Griffin: Good job, good work. Next, uh…

Travis: Let’s get up on that platform.

Clint: Yeah, can we climb the chains to get up on the platform?

Clint: Wait a minute, wait, wait, is the grinder still-- it’s not moving, right? But it’s still operating.

Griffin: It’s just sorta, just sorta like, little pieces of it are just kind of bumbling around. It’s kind of like -

Clint: There’s no way to climb up on top of it to get easier access to the chains on the wall?

Griffin: [talking over Clint] Oh, no, no.

Clint: Or the chains on the ceiling?

Griffin: No, it’s, everywhere. It’s, there are pieces of it in the wall, like embedded in the wall. It’s, its -

Travis: You guys, it’s only eight feet up. I could just stand underneath it and just kinda put my fingers, like, interlace my fingers and go like, “Who wants up?” and just kind of heft you guys up there.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: I like that.

Travis: How many gold did we get from the grinder?

Griffin: Uh, no gold.

Travis: [at the same time as Griffin] Oh, we got the feeling of accomplishment?

Griffin: [at the same time as Travis] You, you solved the, you took one step towards solving the taco mystery. How is that not enough for you?

Travis: I mean that is –

Justin: [over Travis] Enough for me!

[21:06]

Clint: How about rupees?

Travis: No.

Travis: Do we get a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment?

Griffin: You feel good, you got a shit ton of experience points.

Travis: That’s good.

Griffin: And you know what? Travis, I’ll give you an initiative point or uh… uh… inspiration point, because that was an inspired usage of chains.

Travis: And I will move the chains.

Griffin: You did move the chains.

Clint: He moved the chains!

Griffin: Into his… Into his grindage.

Justin: Come on let’s go.

Clint: So are we now up on that – ?

Travis: [over Clint] I’m gonna… I’m gonna take a chain with me.

Griffin: Yeah you –

Clint: Now we’re up o - Oh good idea.

Griffin: You gonna, just in case? Are you just gonna do this every time I introduce any sort of mechanic you’re like, “Ohhhhh I may need that mayonnaise later!” Like “No, that was the solution to the mayonnaise puzzle.”

Travis: No just… I want it to like wrap around, like, my shield and arm and shit as like –

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Makeshift armor.

Griffin: So you just wanna be more… cumbersome?

Travis: Yep!

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Maybe they’re tire chains and they’ll come in handy this coming winter.

Justin: [over Clint] Can we pleeeease move on?

Griffin: Uh, you make it through the, uh… you make it up to the wooden platform, you go through the door, that the orc woman came –

Clint: [soft] Kicked open.

Griffin: Yeah. The door is a little bit... busted, and you think like, ‘That woman’s irresponsible with doors.’ Like.

Justin: Mhm.

Griffin: ‘This prob - this is not her home. She shouldn’t just be’ -

[Multiple people talking over each other.]

Travis: I use my carpentry skills to fix the door.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, you do that.

Clint: Let me guess, you’re +25 in carpentry.

Griffin: No I uh - I nerfed Travis’s character while - before you guys got on. Um. You weren’t around for that but there w - there was was a little bit of numerical tweaking -

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: - that went on behind the scenes.

Travis: Apparently I was just too good at D&D.

Griffin: Yeah, you’re too good at, making- just- coming up with very high numbers for things.

Justin: Ours - our rate of progress is just - it’s staggeringly… Staggeringly...

Griffin: This is the show!

Justin: The - this isn’t the show!

Griffin: It can be!

Justin: I want some high adventure!

Griffin: Okay. High adventure.

Travis [speaking over Griffin]: That’s beyond compare.

Clint: High adventure!

Griffin: Uhh. You g - you go through the door and you realize that it’s actually a dragon’s mouth, and now you’re inside a dragon.

[Clint laughing]

Justin [?]: Woah!

Clint: High adventure!

[promotions]

[partition music]

{26:37}

Griffin: You - you go through that door, uh, you are- uh, you’re going down a- a stonewrought hallway, um. This- this was obviously not carved out by a mine - this - this is a, um, this was obviously not carved out by mining equipment, I should say. This is like a hallway that you would find in a, uh, in a building... made of stone, I guess. Uh. And - and you hear, uh, reverberating down the walls, the sound of, uh, of clanging, of metal, the telltale sounds of combat. Uhhm. And then you hear the woman - uh, the woman, the uh, orc woman, uh, that you encountered earlier - yell:



Travis: Oh, sure. Yep, you got it.

Justin: I shout out,



Travis: [laughs] God helps those who help themselves!



Travis: Okay, I run down there.

Griffin: Okay. Foolhardily?

Travis: Yeah.

[laughter]

Griffin: Guess that’s what you do.

Travis: Magnus prefers action.

Griffin: Uh, okay. You all run into -

Justin: I don’t.

Clint: I waddle. Like a four-year-old baby.

Justin: I sit down on the ground, I’m not helping her.

Griffin: [laughs] Okay. Uhh.

Travis: I get down there and say,



Travis: And they’re not there.

Griffin: “I’ve got my road dogs - oh, shit.”

Justin: I’m studying my book.

Travis: “We can do anything togethe - aww.”

Griffin: Um. Magnus -

Justin: My legs are sore from all these coins I’m carrying!

Griffin: Okay Magnus, you run, uh, down the tunnel and exit out into, uh, a huge room. Uh. A massive room that almost seems like uh, a quarry, almost seems like a… [mouth clicking noise] ... like a pit, like a mining pit where they would dump the - dump the product down. That’s on the far side of the room that - that the, uh, the quarry is on. God, it’s huge. It’s a... forty-by-forty foot hole in the ground on the far side of the room. Uh. It is actually bigger than the floor of the room itself. The only other exit in this room is a, uh, a giant, uh, iron-wrought door. Uh. A - a huge production, you wonder how they got it in here. It is - it is very, very big.

Travis: How hard am I wondering this?

Griffin: You’re like -

Travis: Do I need to roll?

Griffin: You’re like, [very deep and intense grunt] hmmmmm.

Travis: I rolled a four.

Griffin: Uh. You - oh, so you’re not wondering very hard. You’re like, ah, f - the door, fuck it. Whatever. Also in this room is the orc woman that you saw before, who has just been plastered to the wall with, uh, webbing. She is - she is thoroughly webbed to the wall - she’s almost entirely covered, except for her head. Um. And, uh, across from her, about twenty feet from her, is a Drow. A - a dark elf. Holding a staff that he has pointed at her. Um. He’s dressed in black robes, um; on the black robe he’s wearing a tabard with a white spider on it - do you guys get it yet?

Travis: Yeah. He’s like a spider.

Clint: HE’S THE B- [exasperated/disbelief] oh my gosh.

Justin: G- Griffin, can I roll to see if orc women completely covered in ooey gooey webbing is a fetish o’ mine?

[laughter]

Griffin: Yeah... Yeah, I guess.

Justin: I need to know if I’m gonna be distracted.

Griffin: Alright. I guess. This sucks.

Justin: [giggling] Okay, it’s a six.

Griffin: No, you -

Justin [talking over Griffin]: So I’m cool.

Griffin: -it’s not your cup of tea.

Travis: I run in and hit him with the shield and try to knock him in the hole.

Griffin: Well, no.

Travis: That’s what I do.

Griffin: That’s not really how Dungeons and Dragons works.

{30:28}

Travis: Wait, let me roll - [die clatters] Success!

Griffin: M’kay. Um -

Travis: So he’s dead now.

Griffin: Uh, he - Did everybody else run in, or is this just a Magnus situation?

Clint: Yeah, we’re all in there.

Justin: I’m not in! I’m not helping her!

Clint: All right. I’m in there.

Justin: I’m ambling.

Griffin: Okay. Uhh. The Black Spider - the person you’re assuming is the Black Spider - has his staff, uh, pointed at the - the woman who is webbed to the wall, uh, but jerks his head to you and says,



[ Clint laughs ]

Justin: All right, that - that ’s weird enough that I’m gonna come in the room.

[ Travis laughs ]

Travis: “What was that?”



[ Someone snorts ]



Griffin: Oh man, I can’t - I just took my headphones off to hear what I sounded like doing this voice -

Clint: Yeah.

Justin: It’s excellent.

Griffin: - and it sucks.



[ Clint laughs ]

Clint: [in a similar voice] “I want to be a Charlie in the Box!”



[ Laughter ]

Justin: [in Taako’s voice] Am I? [in his normal voice] … Am I?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, sure you can be from New Elfington.

Clint: Write that down.

Griffin: Uh,

Clint: Write that down.

Griffin: is that built on the ruins of Old Elfington?

[ Clint laughs ]

Justin: We burnt it down ‘cause no one could figure out why it was called “Old Elfington.”

[ Giggles ]

Griffin: Oh, shit, I need to retcon. There’s something else in this room. [pause] Uh, lying precariously towards, uh, close to the edge of the pit, you see, uh, an unconscious dwarven figure that, uh, uh, Merle you recognize as -

Clint [quietly]: Gundren.

Griffin: - the one, the only Gundren Rockseeker.

Clint [gravelly]: Gundren.

Justin [also gravelly]: Gundren!

Griffin: Um -

Justin: How did you forget the one fucking thing in this room -

[ Laughter ]

Travis: “Oh, and also the whole point of your quest is here.”

Griffin: I was, I was too busy thinking about this great, great voice that I came up with for the Black Spider.



[ Laughter ]

Justin: [holding back laughter]



Clint: Do we need to roll initiative?

Justin: Not yet!



Justin: [laughing] Let’s not.



[ Laughter ]

Justin: I use Mage Hand to caress his cheek.

[ Laughter ]



[ Justin laughs ]



[ Clint laughs ]



Clint: Okay. While Taako is talking to him, I steal all the gold back out of Taako’s bag...

Justin: He doesn’t know I have it! [pause] Ummm, okay. So, okay, does the - Griffin, sidebar -



Justin: [quietly] Oh, God, this guy.: Travis: Okay, I attack Black Spider. Fuck this shit.

[Clint laughs]

Justin: No. No, wait.

Clint: Wait! Maybe there’s a peaceful way to solve this!

Justin: Maybe there’s a peaceful way to figure it out.

Travis: It’s not peaceful, I’m gonna kill him.

Justin: I figured it out. I do think - okay. All right, Dad, we need -



Justin: We need to - We need to deal with these things one at a time, okay? I’m talking to him, Dad says he wants to go help Gundren.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Can we address that? He’s doing that.

Clint: And I think, and I think, um, Magnus oughta go rescue web woman.



Justin: No, Magnus has to decide what Magnus is gonna do.

Clint: I know.

Justin: Merle is helping -

Clint: Right.

Justin: - his cousin.



Justin: Now, mm...

Clint: How about if I - Can I do some kind of check on -

Griffin: Gundren?

Clint: - on Gundren?

Griffin: Yeah, sure. Uh, maybe a First Aid check just to sort of see, maybe scope him out?

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: You won’t see - You’re not - He won’t - The Black Spider probably won’t let you over there to heal him, but you can sort of check on his condish.

Justin: What is First Aid against, Griffin?

Clint: What do I roll?

Griffin: Is there not a First Aid skill?

Justin: No.

Griffin: Is there a Healing skill?

Justin: There’s Medicine - Medicine.

Griffin: Medicine.

Justin: Medicine.

Clint: Medicine. Okay, so I roll…

Griffin: A D20 and you add your Medicine.

Clint: Okay. [die roll] Fifteen.

Griffin: Uh, okay. He’s alive! That’s great news; he is - he’s alive, he’s living, you can see he’s breathing, um, but he is - he is unconscious. But he’s, he’s living, so you, you still got the one cousin.

Clint: Can I - so, okay, so he’s still alive. Okay.

Griffin: That means he - uh, the, the bad thing is, he’s got some great boots. And that means you’re out some boots.

Clint: [gasps]

Griffin: You’re out some, some more -

Travis: Well, he’s unconscious. I take the boots.

Griffin: Okay. No, I was joking about the boots.

Travis: Aww.

Justin: Um, I’m just still talking with, uh, with...

Clint: Well, find out what’s going on.

Justin: ...the Black Spider. Griffin, why is - why doesn’t the Black Spider have a name?

Griffin: Uhh, ‘cause he’s, he’s mysterious.

Justin: I told listeners that if they tweeted the link to our show that we might use their name for...

Griffin: Okay, fine, I’ve got one.



[Clint chuckles]

Griffin: Uh, ‘kay, do you have a, uh, check - a Persuasion check, a, uh, do a Persuasion check.

Justin: A Persuasion check?

Griffin: See if you can, um, see if you can squeeze his name out of him.

Justin: [die roll] Fourteen.

Griffin: Sure, that’ll do it.



Clint: Brian Darling.

Justin: Brian?



Clint: You related to Wendy Darling?



Justin: We, uh…

Clint: [imitating Taako] What happened to your voice?



Clint: [chuckling] God, I bet your mic looks like a giant booger right now.

Griffin: I wasn’t doing it with my nose.

[Travis chuckles]

Clint: [quietly] Oh.

Griffin: Um,



Travis: I, I charge him!



Griffin: Uh, he was, he was not surprised by your, uh, by your action. Let’s roll, uh, let’s roll initiative. Let’s get it on.

Travis: [die roll] I got, uh, uh, seven.

Justin: [die roll] Whoa, natural twenty here!

Griffin: Holy shit!

Clint: Uh…

Justin: So twenty-two for me.

Clint: Sixteen! … Oh, yeah, sixteen!

Griffin: Cool. Top of the order is, uh, Taako.

Justin: What is he - now, is he on the edge of something?

Griffin: No, he’s not, he’s nowhere near close to the edge of the pit.

Justin: Like, how, how far is nowhere close -

Griffin: This, this room is really big. I, I mean, he’s like, he’s like f - a good fifty feet away.

Justin: Okay. All right. Perfect. Uh, I am going to cast Burning Hands on the webbing.

Griffin: Okay. Um, you also have - you also have, you have that spell sculpting, right? So that you don’t immolate this woman?

Justin: Yes.

Clint: Right.

Justin: Yes, exactly.

Griffin: What is that - I mean, she has advantage on the saving throw, right?

Justin: When I cast an evocation spell that affects, uh, other creatures, I can see, I can choose a number of them equal to one plus the spell’s level, the chosen creatures automatically succeed on their saving throws against the spell and take no damage.

Griffin: Okay. Well, she’s the only bonus target there, so.

Justin: Yeah, right. So.

Griffin: Um, and, and you don’t really need to attack. The, the webbing can’t make a saving throw. It’s webbing. It’s not sentient.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Um... So yeah, if that’s, if that’s how you’re spending your action.

Justin: That is how I’m spending my action.

Griffin: Cool. You burn away the webs. Um. She, uh, collapses to the ground but gets back up to her knees. She is, uh, conscious, and she looks at you, uh, sort of, uh, quizzically again. She, she doesn’t know why you have, uh, done her this solid, but she says uh,



Justin: Does she still have any sort of weapon as far as I can see?

Clint: Like the thing with the big button on it?

Justin: Or her crossbow? Is her crossbow gone, or?

Griffin: Uh, her crossbow has been taken, uh, by the Black Spider. Uh, I just rolled initiative for her, though, so, maybe on her turn, we’ll find out.

Justin: Excellent. Okay.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, next in the order is the, uh, Black Spider, uh who, on his turn, uh, is going to reach into his sack that he has, and he pulls out this weird, little, uh, fist-sized, throbbing pod.

Travis: Okay.

Griffin: Um, that he smashes on the ground in front of him. Um, and then -

Travis: Have you guys noticed how much in D&D is very sexual and creepy?

[snickering]

Clint: “Throbbing”?

Justin: Griffin’s -

Griffin: There’s a lot of things that-

Travis: “He reaches into his sack and pulls out his throbbing pod”? Really, Griffin?

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, the - the pod explodes in a puff of green smoke, um, and from the ceiling, uh, uh, through cracks in the ceiling crawls a gigantic, uh, literal black spider.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Uh, that climbs down uh, a web and jumps in front of the figurative spider -



Griffin: Uh, and comes through this [??]

Justin: I just said that out loud.

Griffin: Okay, great.

Travis: Compare it size-wise.

Griffin: In, in the distance, you can hear the sounds of spores being shot into the air. Uhh, size-wise? It’s -

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: - It is twice as tall as you.

Travis: Oh.

Griffin: It is a very goddamn big spider.

Travis: Got it.

Griffin: That is his, uh, that is his move. Dad, you’re next in the order. Merle. [pause] Now you got two, two black spiders.

Clint: Hmm. I am going to -

Griffin: Spoiler alert: this i - this- you’re in final boss territory, so…

Clint: What?

Travis: So burn them spell slots.

Griffin: This is - this is the Sephiroth of this adventure, so.

Clint: All right, I am going to cast Sleep on the dark elf Black Spider.

Griffin: M’kay.

Justin: Can we just call him “Brian”?

Griffin: Yeah, Brian.

Clint: Brian.

Griffin: You know what sucks, though? Th - the actual literal spider is actually also named Bryan.

[Justin laughs]

Travis: But it’s spelt with a Y.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: So Brian with an I, I’m going to cast Sleep on Brian-with-an-I.

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: Says I roll 5d8?

Griffin: Oh, shit. Okay?

Justin: What?

Travis: And - and then what?

Griffin: [laughing] And then you just have a number.

Clint: And the total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect.

Griffin: Oh, okay.

Clint: So I roll the D8 and multiply by five? Right?

Griffin: Uh, no.

Travis: Roll it five times.

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Okay. Roll it five times.

Griffin: Do it real quick.

Clint: [die roll] Three!

Griffin: ‘Kay.

Clint: [die roll] Four!

Griffin: Seven.

Clint: [die roll] One!

Griffin: Eight.

Clint: [die roll] Two!

Griffin: Ten.

Clint: [die roll] Seven.

Griffin: Seventeen. That is not gonna do it.

Travis: ‘Kay.

Griffin: So now - but now you know Brian-with-an-I has more than seventeen hit points.

Travis: [singing in a high-pitched voice] “The More You Know…!”

[Griffin snickers]

Clint: My plan is working!

[laughter]

Griffin: That was a reconnaissance bad spell!

[laughter]

Griffin: Uhhm, next in the order, um, is -

Clint: Wait wait wait wait wait! I just realized something. This works within a ninety-foot action on all of the creatures.

Griffin: Oh.

Clint: Within.

Griffin: Uh, the - the -

Clint: Ninety feet.

Griffin: Bryan-with-a-Y also has more than seventeen hit points.

Justin: Excellent.

Clint: [sighs]

Justin: Great, great afternoon so far.

Clint: [disgruntled] Man, yeah, I guess.

[chuckling]

Griffin: Next in the order is the orc woman, who, uh, reaches into her pocket, pulls out that buzzer, and says, uh:



And clicks it down. And another ball of - of energy pops out of it, uh, and actually flies through the giant iron door. And she says:



And then you hear, uh, an extremely loud pound at that door. Uh. It’s actually, like, a few rapid-fire poundings. Ah, sorry again for this very sexual language. [Clint laughs] Uh. It’s very rapid fire, like [short, staccato knocking on a wooden surface] uh, against the door.

Clint: Like Sheldon, on - on Big Bang.

Griffin: Come on, you can’t keep referencing Big Bang Theory during this podcast!

Clint: I spelled it with two Gs!

Griffin: It’s the Bigg [said like Big-guh] Bang! [laughs] Um, uh, the door stands fast, though. And that is the end of the orc woman’s turn.

Justin: Can I use a free action to ask her her name, so we don’t have to keep doing this?

Griffin: Keep calling her “the orc woman”?

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s fine.



[laughter]

Clint: Uh, does it take an action -



Clint: Can we open the door as a free action?

Griffin: Uh, you would have to figure out how. It’s very, very very big. It’s, uh, it’s like, it’s -

Clint: So it’s not the door we came through?

Griffin: No, no, no.

Travis: It’s the giant one that we can’t figure out how they got it down here.

Clint: Okay, so it’s not the grinder reanimated -

Travis: Wait, I got this, guys.



Magnus: Did that work?

Griffin: [laughing] It didn’t work, no.

Travis: Ah, fuck.

Clint: Because somebody didn’t remember his “please” and “thank you.”

{45:05}

Travis: Oh.



Uh, does it say push or pull?

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uhh… no, there’s no dwarven writing.

Travis: Is there a crash bar?

Clint: Alright, forget the door I guess.

Travis: Uh, so is the spider up now or am I up now?

Griffin: Uh, sorry… uh, yeah, it’s Magnus.

Travis: Great. I’m gonna jump on the, uh, spider’s back.

Griffin: Oh, shit! Okay. How - how’re you - I guess an acrobatics check?

Travis: Yeahhh.

Griffin: Um, it’s gonna make an opportunity attack against you, if you do this.

Travis: Oh. Okay. Well then instead…

Justin: [whispers] Do it!

Travis: Okay, so what I’m gonna do is attempt to run past [pause]  and, and get one of the legs of the spider with my chain and trip it.

[Justin snorts]

Griffin: Yeah, that’s interesting, why not. So you’re gonna - it’s a very big spider. So you’re gonna try and like, pull a, pull a, a - an Empire Strikes Back, like, AT-AT sweep maneuver.

Travis: Correct.

Griffin: Mmkay. Interesting. I don’t know how physically that’s gonna work -

Travis: I’m very strong.

Griffin: You’re gonna- just gonna try and like, whip it around one of its legs as you run by it and just sort of pull real hard?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Mmkay.

Travis: Listen, it’s not a great idea, but it’s a Magnus idea.

Griffin: Yeah, you know what, that idea is decidedly Magnus. Uh, I - I guess -

Travis: Can I use my point of Inspiration?

Griffin: Sure. Uh, I guess you’re gonna make an attack with the chain.

Travis: Okay. So unarmed, or…?

Griffin: Well, your - you won’t be proficient, so just roll and make a - a strength - strength check, I guess is what it’s gonna be.

[dice roll]

{46:31}

Travis: So that’s a nine… thirteen… Um, yeah so, thirteen.

Griffin: Uh, that’s not gonna do it. Do you wanna use your Inspiration to roll again?

Travis: Yes. [dice roll] Okay, so that’s an eighteen.

Griffin: Yeah. Uh, okay so you, uh, manage to whip this chain around one of the spider’s legs, uh, and you pull real hard. Uh, I guess make another Strength check, now that you’ve got the chain around it, to see if you have the strength to uh -

Travis: [dice roll] That is twenty.

Griffin: Twenty? Uh, okay. Yeah, fuck it, why not?

[Travis chuckles]

Griffin: Uh. You, you pull really hard on, uh, this spider - you don’t like flip it over or anything, but the, uh - this side, it’s - the four legs on this side sort of, uh, give out, and it sort of is, is prone now.

Travis: [at the same time as Griffin] Cool.

Griffin: [at the same time as Travis] So, good job. You knocked a spider over.

Travis: Um, and then I’m gonna use my action surge to attack it with my battle axe two-handed.

Griffin: M’kay, what’re you attackin’? There’s a lot to attack.

Travis: Um, I’m gonna attack his underbelly.

Griffin: It’s-- uh, underbelly is not exposed. You didn’t flip it over.

Travis: Oh. Um, what does being prone give me? Is there -

Griffin: Uh, you’ll have advantage on the attack.

Travis: Okay. Well, then I’m going to attack its eyes.

Griffin: Okay, so you’re gonna whip right back around and get - get to Eye Town.

Travis: Mhm.

Griffin: Okay. Go ahead and make a -

Travis: [dice roll] Uh, no, that’s not gonna do it. That’s uhhh an eleven, so.

Griffin: Nope.

Travis: Advantage… [dice roll] Eighteen?

Griffin: Yep. That beats his AC.

Travis: Great!

Griffin: Uh, go ahead and do damage.

Travis: One D10... [dice roll] uh so that’s ten.

Griffin: Ten.

Travis: On its eyeballs.

Griffin: Goood eyeball hit. He has lots of eyeballs, so y - you may have carved out a couple of them, but he still has more than enough to, to look. Do - do all of his lookin’.

Travis: But still. Did damage, knocked him prone.

Griffin: Yeah, good job.



Griffin: Uh, okay. Um, that is the end of the round. You hear another uh clamoring at the giant iron door, um, which has already started to buckle a bit, in the little, uh, in the, in the middle - um. My throat gets so sore doing this goddamn podcast.

Clint: That’s ‘cause you’re sayin’ [static noise] every thirty seconds.

Travis: It’s so much adventure.

Griffin: Yeah, it’s all the adventure, it’s wearin’ on my cords.

[Justin giggles]

Griffin: Uh, yeah, so this door has started to bend and buckle in the middle a little bit.



Griffin: Uh, next, top of the order. Taako.

Justin: I’m gonna cast, uh, Magic Missile on, uh, the spider.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Not very creative, but that’s where Taako’s at today.

[laughter]

Clint: “This is what Taako is into now.”

Travis: [at the same time as Justin] He’s a real meat-and-potatoes wizard.

Justin: [at the same time as Travis]



Griffin: They can’t all be chain, AT-AT, sweep the legs, Johnny maneuvers.

{49:28}

Justin: [laughing] I’m just gonna - How about I shoot magic ouchies at him?

[laughter]

Justin: Until he dies from it?

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: This is how we do.

Griffin: Uh, so you make an attack? Or, no they just automatically hit.

Justin: Yes.

Griffin: M’kay. Go and roll your damage.

Justin: And they do…

Griffin: 1d4 plus one.

Justin: Yeah. Three 1d4, plus one. Okay [die roll] two, [die roll] four--

Griffin: No, we’ve already established that all three do the same damage.

Justin: Okay, so three times three - nine.

Griffin: Nine. Okay. Uh, yeah, he didn’t like it.

Justin: I wouldn’t think so.

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is team spiders. Team Brian. Uh, what does Brian even do, what’s his story? I bet he’s got spells.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: He does. Okay. Uh, Bryan-with-a-Y - wait, which one is Magic Brian? I’m just gonna call him Magic Brian.

[Travis and Justin talk over Griffin.]

Travis: Brian-with-an-I.

Justin: An I.

Clint: I.

Griffin: Magic Brian looks at Taako and goes,



And he, uh, points his staff at you, and uses Magic Missile.

Justin: Is he shooting all three at me? Because he can do whatever he wants.

Griffin: Oh yeah.

Travis: Maybe a couple he throws at the big spider just to like, show that he can.

Griffin: [nasally voice] You’re in a magical wizard duel. You’re in a wizard duel, Harry.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Uh, that’s a three. Uh, so three times three is nine, plus the extra three damage is twelve.

Justin: What’s - what’s the extra three damage?

Griffin: ‘Cause it’s plus one.

Justin: Uh, okay. That takes me to zero.

Griffin: Oh, shit!

Travis: Really?

Justin: Yep. Only had twelve hit points.

Griffin: Brian goes, uh:



Clint: I really thought they were gettin’ along, too.

Justin: Yeah, me too.

Griffin: Um. So you’re not dead, but this is the first time we get to learn about death saving throws. Isn’t that exciting?

Justin: That is thrilling. What do I do?

Griffin: Uh, well you - you have to do it on your turn. Um -

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: But that’s it for, uh, Magic Brian. Spider Bryan, uh, is going to stand, uh, up, and, um, attack the person right in front him, which is Magnus.

Travis: Hello.

Griffin: Hi. Um -

Travis: Hi, Spider.

Griffin: Uh, you have a weakness to spiders, right?

Travis: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m afraid of spiders.

Clint: Oh, this patch is not working out for you, bud.

Travis: Now, that was addressed in-game last time that I’m not a fan of spiders.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Um. So I’m gonna give the spider advantage on the attack.

Travis: [sarcastic] Sweet. That’s super cool.

Griffin: Um…

Travis: ‘Cause the giant spider needs all the help he can get.

Griffin: He is just gonna sort of rear back and come forward at you and snap his, snap his spider teeth right at you.

Travis: Mandibles.

Griffin: His mandibos.

[Travis laughs]

Griffin: Uh, that’s a nine plus five, fourteen.

Travis: No.

Griffin: ‘Kay. And that is a fourteen plus five, so nineteen.

Travis: Ah, that hits. His mandolins got me.

Griffin: You take [die rolls] Uh, you take, uh, five piercing damage and, uh, four poison damage.

Travis: Mhm. Mhm.

Griffin: Uh, oh, I’m sorry you make a constitution saving throw before you take that poison damage. Go ahead and do that.

Travis: [die roll] That is constitution… seven.

Griffin: No.

Travis: So I’m going to take nine damage.

Griffin: Uh. And, uh… [checking] ch-ch-ch-ch-chhh… Okay, you’re fine. There’s extra stuff it does if it kills you, but it didn’t. So you’re cool. Uh, that is it for the spider turn, next up is Merle.

Travis: Ditto, could you real quick explain how saving throws work before we get to Justin’s turn, so if Dad and I need to do something?

{53:08}

Griffin: Just real quick: Juice, whenever you start your turn with zero hit points, you must make a special saving throw called a Death Saving Throw to determine whether you creep closer to death or hang on to life. So you will have to make one on your turn. It’s basically the same as it was last time, uh, or in the last edition, you make three - uhh, y-you make a saving throw. If you get three successful ones, then you’re alive; if you make three failed ones you die forever. But people can help you out of it, um, before that. If you are healed you can be helped out of it, there’s a lot of different ways you can be saved. Okay?

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Um, okay.

Justin: What kind of a saving throw do I do, though?

Griffin: Uh, you just roll a d20. If it’s, uh, above ten, you’re good.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: I want - I think whatever’s on the other side of that door is gonna help us, and I think it would be worth opening the door. So, Thaumaturgy allows me to instantaneously cause an unlocked door to fly open.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, okay. Sweet-ass. You point your magic symbol, uh, at this, giant iron door - do you say any dope shit when you do it?

Clint: Yes. I, I do. I say...

Travis: “She thinks my tractor’s sexy!”



Griffin: Mmkay. I imagine that’s some like, old man, like, Conan shit. But, uh -

Clint: It’s Doctor Strange, man. If Cumberbatch doesn’t work out, I’m there for Marvel.

Griffin: Yeah, that’ll be perfect casting. Um, you point your - you point your holy symbol at the door, it is enervated with magical, or - or spiritual energies, uh, and it flies open. And behind it, a - a light sh - pours through, blinding all of you. And as your eyes adjust you realize that they are headlights, that are fastened to the front of a giant, uh, mechanoid, uh, bipedal, uh, robot [said “robit”], essentially. Uh, that has -

Travis: [gasps] Iron Giant!

Griffin: That is, that has four arms - it’s not exactly Iron Giant, it’s not that sort of human figure. It -

Clint: [deep voice, imitating Iron Giant] Suuuuperman.

Griffin: Almost looks like a tractor with legs.

Travis: Is it sexy?

Justin: What’s the -

Clint: Kenny Chesney!

Justin: What’s the robot’s name?

Griffin: The robot’s name - oh, should I do another twitter, uh…

Justin: Yeah.

{55:13}

Griffin: [chuckling] The, the robot’s name is, uh, the - the robot’s name is Renee.

Justin: [laughing] Renee?

Griffin: Yeah, it’s Renee. Renee, the Jackhammer Robot. And I call it Renee the Jackhammer Robot because you can also see, uh, in - in lieu of arms, it has two giant jackhammers. And as soon as these doors fly open, it sort of, uh, flexes its jackhammer arms and sprints full speed towards the giant spider, and just rams right through it. Just - just stabs right through it. Both arms.

Clint: Yes! Ha ha!

Griffin: Keeps running, and dives right into the pit with the spider impaled on its arms.

Clint: Sweet!

Travis: [chuckling] And Brian-with-an-I just goes, “Well, shit.”

[Clint laughs]

Justin: Hachi machi, I wish we -

Griffin: Goes;



Clint: And he jumps in after him!



Justin: In retrospect, I wish we’d been attacking Magic Brian this whole time.

[laughter]

Griffin: Yeah. Magic Brian’s feeling right as rain. Uh. Magic Brian is so, so desperately sad. Uh, by the way, when this, uh -

Travis: [laughing] He takes ten points of sad damage.

Griffin: When this robot did it's, uh, epic uh, uh - spider tackle maneuver, it just barely avoided stomping on Gundren. Uhhm.

Travis: That’s good.

Griffin: But he’s fine. Yeah! I just wanted you guys not to worry about Gundren. ‘Cause it doesn’t -

Travis: Oh, we weren’t. I forgot he was over there.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, good. ‘Cause I also thought that might also be the case.

Justin: All right, let’s keep moving.

Griffin: Next in the order is… Uh, next in the order is Killian, uh, who doesn’t really have a whole lot of options at her disposal. She pulls out the Animator again, uh, and clicks down on the trigger, um, but nothing happens. Um, so she just says, uh - she just sort of, uh, walks over to one of the giant iron doors and sort of, uh, tucks behind it. Uh, she says, uh,



Clint: Typical orc.



And that is the end of her turn. Next in the order is Magnus.

Travis: Okay, I’m going to rush to the side of my beloved Taako.

{57:19}

Griffin: Oh!

Travis: Um, and - and I say,

[Justin laughs]

Griffin: I’m gonna need you to describe that a little bit slower.

Clint: Yeah. [laughs]

Travis: And he wakes up, and - and the word “cheesy” is what’s stuck in his head.

Clint: It’s another clue!

[Griffin bursts out laughing]

Justin: [laughs] Griffin, grant me cheese!

Griffin: All right.

[Travis giggles]

Griffin: You know - okay, I’ll grant you the word cheese; you can’t possibly understand the idea of cultured milk. Uhm.

Justin: [laughs] Okay, I’ve written cheese question mark -

[Travis and Clint laugh]

Justin: - on my sheet, so we know I’m - I - that’s just in my head. “What does that word mean, ‘cheese’?”

Griffin: Um, how does a healing potion work? Trav, do you know?

Travis: Um, no. [dice clattering] I just have it written down.

Clint: Where did you get it?

Travis: We got it from the Klaarg! We got three potions.

Griffin: [pages fluttering] You gots to write that shit down. Uh, when you drink this potion, you regain 2d4 plus two hit points. So, Juice, if you wanna go ahead and resolve that.

Justin: Is that my roll?

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Okay. [dice shaking]

Clint: Wait a minute, while he’s unconscious, can I check his stuff?

[Griffin laughs]

Justin: That’s a four!

Travis: Now, Ditto, is the potion -

Justin: That’s an eight, ten! Ten points!

Griffin: That was a good roll.

Justin: Back in the fucking game.

Travis: Is the potion of healing um, a minor action, or is that my, uh, my action.

Griffin: Well, the fact that - if you had given it to him, probably not, but the fact that you actually used it on him.

Travis: Administered it.

Griffin: Yeah, that’s - that’s gonna be your turn.

Travis: Great. Terrif’.

Clint: That’s brotherly love right there.

Griffin: Um. Okay.

Travis: And Magnus looks at the cleric and says,



Justin: [snickers] Whose turn is it, Griffin?



Clint: The guy that’s been stealing shit for the entire adventure.

Griffin: I think actually Renee the - the wrecker bot is the one that uh -

Clint: Uh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, on we go.

Justin: Let’s keep - come on.

Griffin: Uh, next in the order is, uh, actually you, Taako. You can, uh -



Griffin: So you are prone, but you can stand up for half of your movement. So you can stand up and still -

Justin: Well, I’m not going anywhere.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I stand up to my full, wizard - wizarding height.

Clint: Which is two-foot higher with the hat.

Justin: Yup. Excellent. And then I shout,



[Everyone bursts into laughter]

Justin: I cast Magic Missile at him!

[Clint laughs]

Justin: [dice rolling] Four! Oof, oof, how does 15 points of damage taste?

Griffin: Uh, you blast him back a ways, the force of his spell, uh, hurts him a lot, uh, he goes flying backwards, uh and he, he lands fairly close to the edge of the pit, near Gundren and he stands up and he is, man, all jacked up. He is bleeding from both nose nostrils. His shit is wrecked, but he is still alive. He says uhh—



[Chuckling]



[Laughter]



Clint: You know when they make a movie about this, Mike Myers is gonna play both of ‘em.

Justin: Mike Myers will play all the roles. He’ll play all of us.

{1:00:43}



Griffin: I keep - I keep sorta oscillating between like, Taako and German. I want to really land in the German wheelhouse. Let me try again.



Griffin: And he grabs Gundren by the scruff of the neck -

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin: - and rolls off into the pit with him.

Travis: Oh, shit.

Griffin: Uhh, but then you see, at the same time, uh, two small, dwarven hands, uh, reach up and grab the pit. Uh, reach up and grab the edge of the pit. And then you see two more small dwarven hands reach up and grab the side of the pit. And uh, almost simultaneously, two Gundren Rockseekers pull themselves back up, uh, onto stable ground.

Clint: [mockingly] Who would’ve seen that comin’?

Justin: I didn’t.

Griffin: And, uh, one Gundren Rockseeker - we’ll call him the Gundren Seeker - the, uhm, Rockseeker on the right - looks at the other one and says:



Griffin: And the Gundren Rockseeker on the left says:



Travis: [still laughing] How do we tell them apart??



Travis: But which one’s the real Gundren Rockseeker?



Travis: I walk over and kick that one into the pit.

[laughter]

Griffin: Which one?

Travis: The one who just talked.



Clint: Geez, how deep is that pit?!

[laughter]

Justin: How loud is his voice?



[Travis, Justin & Clint are absolutely losing it]



Justin: I cast magic missile at him again!



[laughter]

[music begins to play]

Clint: And the Academy Award goes to… Brian!

Griffin: That was great shit.

Justin: That was good acting.

Griffin: That was primo.

[ending music]