Ep. 25: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Eight

"This episode is a regular stunt spectacular! Don't try this at home kids, unless you happen to live in the Adventure Zone!"

Synopsis
''This episode is basically a self-contained Fast and the Furious movie, if that film franchise incorporated actual arcane magicks, rather than just "movie magic." Magnus does some risky jumping. Merle takes a tumble. Taako summons a new best friend.''

That's good eatin'!
When last we left our heroes, Magnus and Merle were hanging off the side of a broken fish bowl with a blue spotted octopus. Magnus and Merle climb up on top of the body of the tank and pulls the octopus up with him. Despite Taako's advice, he does not eat the creature. Travis throws the now baby octopus at the drivers, even though they are in an enclosed tank, because, as Griffin says, "It might spook 'em."

It does not. The octopus suction-cups onto the windshield, and then they turn on the windshield wipers. The octopus goes flying off the right side of the vehicle, its safety bubble deploying on the way down.

Taako checks in with the guys on the gumball mobile. Magnus encourages action (unsurprising), while Merle begs not to be hurt (again, unsurprising). Hurley says she has a plan, and encourages Taako to aim for the treads. Taako casts Magic Missile on the front wheel. The third Missile unbalances the thread on that wheel, and the wagon starts to shudder.

Hurley yells to Magnus and Merle to get ready to jump, then cuts the wheel hard to the right. The Ram is coming toward the Battle Wagon at jumping speed. Travis and Merle get ready to jump. Magnus almost grabs Merle to carry him, but after asking "Can you jump, dawg?" with his eyes, decides to let Merle jump on his own. They talk about the best way to do this for a while. Travis rolls a 19, and Clint...

Critical Miss!
That turns out to be a terrible decision, as Clint rolls a 1. Magnus effortlessly floats through the air, like a leaf, while drinking a cup of tea, and grabs on to the safety rail upside down, without spilling a drop. Merle, on the other hand...

Merle is upside down in bullet time, having jumped way too early and not far enough, and it looks like he's going to land in front of Hurley's Battle Wagon. Taako focuses all of his mental energy and focus and casts...

Phantom Steed!!!!!
Suddenly, our hero, Garyl, the spectral horse-like creature, appears with a perfectly tonal whinny. He's a beautiful unicorn with a rainbow horn, and he appears just under/over Merle, who sticks out an arm and does a ring-around-the-rosy around his neck. Merle clings to the magnificent beast's mullet as it bounds away from the wagon, just in time for Hurley to ram into the already-damaged wheel tread. The tank careens wildly out of sight into the dust cloud. Momentarily, a massive explosion erupts from the dust cloud. Three horns sound; five opponents remain. With a hiss, she says it was an accident, so... that'll be unpacked later. Taako offers her a cool spot to hide the bodies, much to her confusion. The Rams finally emerge from the dust cloud, speeding at Garyl-miles-per-hour. The Raven's winged longboat is not fair ahead, with the cliff a mile beyond. Travis takes a moment to thank Griffin for his gripping narrative, who says its the players who make the magic in him; Justin reminds everyone that Lost seemed pretty good, too.

Featured NPCs

 * Hurley
 * The Raven
 * Klarg

Featured Locations
Goldcliff Battle Wagon Race Track

A desert is not a standard habitat for an octopus

 * 4:06 GRIFFIN: You see them turn on their windshield wipers, and the octopus goes flying off to the right.
 * 4:06 TRAVIS: Aw, man! I feel bad. I feel like people are going to be upset that the octopus got hurt.
 * 4:11 CLINT: He was becoming a fan favorite!
 * 4:12 JUSTIN: Yeah. Beloved character.
 * 4:15 GRIFFIN: Well, you guys didn't kill him. And that's rare.
 * 4:18 JUSTIN: That's true.
 * 4:19 GRIFFIN: Actually, as you see him fly off into the distance, you see a bubble deploy from his tiny octopus harness that he was wearing.
 * 4:25 TRAVIS: Oh thank God.
 * 4:28 GRIFFIN: No he is in the desert somewhere, and that's not where octopi love to be.
 * 4:37 JUSTIN: And then we see PETA is there, and they go retrieve him. And they make him, woah, the Mayor of town! Great ending for him.
 * 4:44 TRAVIS: We'll deal with that twist later.
 * 4:48 GRIFFIN: That is not canonical.

Magnus needs his hearing checked, Part 4 (Hurley ships it)

 * 7:49 HURLEY: Get ready to jump!
 * 7:52 MAGNUS: WHAT? What did she say?
 * 7:59 MERLE: She said she wants us to hump.
 * 7:59 MAGNUS: Oh, she's a dirty bird.
 * 8:01 HURLEY: Yeah I do, but that's a later thing! Just kidding!
 * 8:06 CLINT: Attention fanfictioneers...
 * 8:08 GRIFFIN: No. Can't. Don't. Please don't. Burn your computer. Put your computer down the garbage disposal.

Classic word problem from Goldcliff Elementary School

 * 10:28 CLINT: She's ramming us.
 * 10:29 GRIFFIN: Yeah.
 * 10:31 CLINT: And I'm jumping towards a vehicle coming towards us.
 * 10:33 GRIFFIN: Yeah.
 * 10:34 JUSTIN: Dad's doing the math on it.
 * 10:36 CLINT: And I'm not tied to anything.
 * 10:37 GRIFFIN: If one Battle Wagon going 90 miles per hour departing from Chicago...
 * 10:41 TRAVIS (channeling Magnus): I'm rolling! Let's do this!

The Myth, The Legend, The Phantom Steed

 * 12:05 GRIFFIN: Merle is floating upside down, in the air in bullet time, and it looks like he's going to land directly in front of Hurley's Battle Wagon.
 * 12:10 JUSTIN: I focus all my energy and wait for the fucking spell that I've been wanting to cast, and have not had the opportunity to until just this moment. A bolt of light erupts from the umbra staff, and underneath of Merle appears... a Phantom Steed.
 * 12:34 CLINT: [whinnies]
 * 12:35 GRIFFIN: WHAT THE FUCK!
 * 12:35 TRAVIS: WOAH!!!
 * 12:35 GRIFFIN: WHAT?? WHAT???
 * 12:37 JUSTIN: That's right!
 * 12:40 GRIFFIN: WHAT?
 * 12:41 JUSTIN: A large, quasi-real, horselike creature appears on the ground.
 * 12:42 TRAVIS: I'm sorry, read that description one more time.
 * 12:44 JUSTIN: A large, quasi-real, horselike creature appears on the ground. I decide the appearance, so it looks like a beautiful unicorn. It's got a big unicorn horn in rainbow colors. His name is Garyl, it's like Gary and Darryl mixed together? I've done more character work on Garyl than I did on Taako.